Mismatched Lust Between the Sexes

OKCupid founder Christian Rudder has a new book out: Dataclysm: Who We Are (When We Think No One’s Looking). Rudder is the guy responsible for the always fascinating OKTrends blog, which he started in 2009. From Nate Silver’s blog Five Thirty Eight, we learn that Dataclysm is based on Rudder’s OKTrends posts, for which he spent countless hours crunching data in Excel.

Rudder’s first chapter covers the basics of sexual attraction, and highlights how the sexes differ in this regard.

“Women who are, say, 28 find guys who are also 28 about the most attractive, and so forth. Up until about 40, when that’s getting too old.”


Actually, you can see that before age 29 women prefer men 1-3 years older. After 30, they prefer men younger than themselves. Rudder is careful to point out that this is not about choosing a long-term partner, it’s simply a measurement of who women find hot.

“This is attractiveness votes, so think of this as our proxy for lust.”

Rudder then showed the male version: [Read more...]


What Does a Person’s Sexual Number Really Tell Us?

numberOne thing that’s changed dramatically during the last generation is the fixation of young people on their sexual “number.” That is, the number of people they’ve had sex with. (Note: We’re talking P in V here.)

I have never been asked the question, nor have I ever asked a man to share his number. Well, that’s not technically true. I asked my college boyfriend (my first) if he lost his virginity with me, and he refused to answer. I took that as a yes.

Though young people today have fewer partners than they did 20 years ago, they’re much more preoccupied with keeping track.

The sexual double standard is stronger than ever, as evidenced by fudged accounting; men tend to exaggerate their numbers and women often minimize theirs. Just how useful is this information? Consider the following examples of half a dozen different 25 year-old guys: [Read more...]


Hookup Culture and the Golden Rule

A viable strategy for the 21st century?

A viable strategy for the 21st century?

Conor Friedersdorf’s article When ‘Do Unto Others’ Meets Hookup Culture in today’s Atlantic poses a refreshing and overdue question: Why are traditional conservatives hellbent on fighting contemporary sexual mores with doomsday predictions of the end of Western civilization as we know it? Smug predictions of eternal damnation for sexual sinners are the cherry on top of this Judgment sundae. Quoting Damon Linker on the tradcon perspective:

“From the fourth century, down to roughly my grandparents’ generation, the vast majority of people in the Western world believed without question that masturbation, pre-marital sex, and promiscuity were wrong, that out-of-wedlock pregnancy was shameful, that adultery was a serious sin, that divorce should either be banned or allowed only in the rarest of situations, and that homosexual desires were gravely disordered and worthy of severe punishment.

…Some of our fellow citizens (religious traditionalists and other social conservatives) are terrified by the new dispensation.”

This terror is expressed daily in the Christo-manosphere. But how effective is this strategy in changing minds and shifting the culture? [Read more...]


Escaping The Narcissist Monster

NarcissistThe Narcissist monster belongs under your bed, not in it.

Tomorrow marks the publication of a new book by Jeffrey Kluger, senior editor and science writer at Time magazine: The Narcissist Next Door: Understanding the Monster in Your Family, in Your Office, in Your Bed-in Your World

Kluger points out that we’re all sociopaths in the beginning:

“Small children, by their very nature, are moral monsters. They’re greedy, demanding, violent, selfish, impulsive and utterly remorseless.

…They expect to be adored but not disciplined, rewarded but never penalized, cared for and served by parents and family without caring or serving reciprocally.”

This is narcissistic psychopathology only when we fail to outgrow it. [Read more...]


Dating On Tinder: A Case Study

TinderLongtime reader Jenna recently approached me for coaching based on a post I wrote characterizing Tinder as an app that is bringing back traditional dating, at least for some of its users. Jenna, who’s in her mid-20s, wants to meet new people but isn’t interested in traditional online dating.

Among her friends, there’s considerable buzz around Tinder, Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel. Each of these sites pulls data in from your Facebook account and shows any connections within your social circle. As a result, the demographics skew quite young. And it’s less intimidating for women to meet strangers who have friends or acquaintances in common.

Jenna signed up for all three apps but liked the volume of potential choices on Tinder. She found the app really fun and somewhat addictive. Because there’s no rejection, Tinder eliminates approach anxiety for guys and girls don’t feel any obligation to communicate with anyone they’re not interested in. [Read more...]