Partying on the 4th is an inalienable right passed down from our Founding Fathers. That used to mean parades, fireworks, strawberry shortcake, and beer. The celebrations have gotten more potent, though, featuring vast numbers of 30-racks and large tubs of punch made with Everclear. They’re also starting earlier in the day, with the drinking underway by noon for many young people.
Now, you know I want you to have a really good time. I just don’t want you to get stupid. And drinking to blackout is really, really stupid. You’ll probably make totally unnecessary drama. You may well have sex with someone you don’t even think is cute. Your mascara will be all over your face, and you’ll throw up in the bushes.
Attractive!
OK, I know I’m not persuading you, so how about this:
A new study shows that guys think you’re gross when you’re drunk.
When it comes to drinking, college men not looking for a “girl gone wild”
College women may be drinking to excess to impress their male counterparts on campuses across the country, but a new study suggests most college men are not looking for a woman to match them drink for drink.
A survey of 3,616 college students at two American universities found an overwhelming majority of women overestimated the amount of alcohol a typical guy would like his female friends, dates or girlfriends to drink. The results can be found in the March issue of Psychology of Addictive Behaviors, published by the American Psychological Association.
“Although traditionally, men drink more than women, research has shown that women have steadily been drinking more and more over the last several decades,” said the study’s lead author, Joseph LaBrie, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Loyola Marymount University. “Our research suggests women believe men find excessive drinking sexually attractive and appealing, but it appears this is a giant misperception.”
For this article, the researchers invited the participating students, ages 18 to 25, to complete an online survey during the 2007 fall semester. The students were at Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles or the University of Washington. The women answered several questions to determine, on average, how many drinks they thought a typical college man would like his female friends to drink at a typical event, as well as the maximum number of drinks they thought the men would like their female friends to drink. They then had to say, on average, how many drinks they thought a woman would have to consume for a guy to consider being friends with her, consider dating her or consider her sexually attractive. The men were asked their actual preferences.
The researchers also asked the women to estimate how much they drank in any given week or month, and how much alcohol they thought the average woman at their university drank in any given week.
The results showed 71 percent of women overestimated the men’s actual preference of drinks at any given event.
The women overestimated by an average of one-and-a-half drinks.
When the researchers looked at the different subgroups, 26 percent of women said that men would most likely want to be friends with a woman who drinks five or more drinks and 16 percent said that men would be most sexually attracted to a woman who drank that much alcohol. Both estimates were nearly double what the men actually preferred.
They also found the women who overestimated the men’s preferences were more likely to engage in excessive drinking.
. Some other interesting research findings:
Women college students have seen their rates of binge drinking increase dramatically — nearly 40 percent — since the introduction of the national drinking age of 21 in the U.S. 25 years ago. At the same time, the ‘gender gap’ between male and female drinkers has been closing. Women are drinking more, and their rates of binge drinking have risen over the last 30 years.
More than 696,000 people between the ages of 18-24 are assaulted by another student who has been drinking.
More than 9,700 are victims of alcohol-related sexual assault or date rape.
400,000 have unprotected sex and more than 100,000 report having been too intoxicated to know if they consented to having sex.
Pace yourself. Watch out for your friends. Don’t make the mistake of not eating (and I’m not talking about watermelon injected with vodka). Have fun, but not too much fun.
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The entire list is well worth reading, but I’ve taken out the 17 truths most relevant to relationships and listed them below, along with my commentary.
1. You can’t change other people, and it’s rude to try.
I accept that you can’t change other people, so make sure you really like a person the way they are before you start spending your youth and beauty on them. I never thought about the second part of this, though. Is it rude to try and change someone? Perhaps–it is certainly presumptuous. Liking an idealized version of someone is unfair to ourselves, but it’s also unfair to them. Hold out for someone who doesn’t need reshaping.
10. Whenever you’re worried about what others will think of you, you’re really just worried about what you’ll think of you.
So true! If you feel good about the choices you are making, if you are being true to yourself by following your heart and your instincts, then any criticism from others will roll right off your back. When you are worried about how you are perceived by others, it’s because you know deep down that something’s off, and you are afraid others will discover it and call you out.
11. Every problem you have is your responsibility, regardless of who caused it.
Life is hard. Shitty stuff is going to happen to you. You can’t control external events, you can only control your response to them. Don’t play the victim. Implement the best strategy you can for coping with a problem and make peace with your inability to make everything perfect.
14. Managing one’s wants is the most powerful skill a person can learn.
And having a few shots will disappear that skill faster than you can say tequila. Most of the regrets I hear about are born of drunken stupidity. If you know you’ll be drinking, plan accordingly. Alert your friends to watch over you and prevent you from making ridiculous moves. Take any potentially harmful numbers out of your phone. Better yet, put your phone on silent and give it to a friend for safekeeping. Any phone communication after 1 a.m. is usually headed nowhere good.
25. Putting something off makes it instantly harder and scarier.
Asking someone about their intentions is super awkward the first time you are together. It’s also a whole lot more awkward and painful after you’ve been hooking up for a while. State clearly from the beginning what you expect from another person. If you’re looking at a dead end, you’re better off realizing that before you turn down that street.
30. The most common addiction in the world is the draw of comfort. It wrecks dreams and breaks people.
Are you killing time in a so-so relationship? Having a significant other is comfortable. You’ve got built-in plans, friends, a date for any function you need to attend. Being single can be inconvenient and discouraging. Here’s the thing, though–being single leaves you open to discovering and developing a potentially awesome relationship. Killing time staying comfortable with Mr. OK is lame and pathetic (harsh, I know).
31. If what you’re doing feels perfectly safe, there is probably a better course of action.
I’m a big believer in big changes. My life has been made better and more interesting every time I have risked a major change. Move. Get a new job. Go back to school. Dump whatever baggage is slowing you down, especially if that’s a person! The best highs always follow taking a risk.
39. Self-examination is the only path out of misery.
Did someone break your heart? What an asshole. But guess what? You participated. You did. You need to reflect on your role in any situation that is making you miserable. That’s your insurance that you will only have to go through this once.
47. If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship.
True story. It’s also true that if someone else is unhappy, it’s impossible for them to make you happy. Unhappiness is contagious. It drags us down and makes life hard. If you love someone, and they become unhappy, you need to support them in every way you know how. But if you meet someone who’s already crying the blues, you need to run 60 mph in the other direction. Don’t get sucked into thinking you can be the cure. Unhappy people are selfish. They have to be to get through it.
51. “Gut feeling” is not just a euphemism. Tension in the abdomen speaks volumes about how you truly feel about something, beyond all arguments and rationales.
I have made major life decisions that were counterintuitive and surprised the people that knew me best. Because I had a “gut feeling”, a hunch. Every one of those choices turned out to be right. We know so much more than we think we do. Trust your own judgment. If you screw up, you can come crying to me and I’ll sympathize and support you.
52. Posture and dress change profoundly how you feel about yourself and others feel about you, like it or not.
Self-confidence is one of the main components of charisma. The other is empathy. Stand tall and look your best. That will go a long way toward helping you fake it ’till you make it.
64. Words are immensely powerful. One cruel remark can wound someone for life.
Speaking in the heat of the moment is always risky. Add alcohol to that, and you’re in deep trouble. You are 100% responsible for everything you say and do while drunk. Beer emotions count, and so do drunken rants. Yeah, you were drunk. But it was still YOU who said those things. Take care with your words.
65. It’s easy to make someone’s day just by being uncommonly pleasant to them.
Or flirting with them! I try to do this all the time, because I’ve learned that when I go out of my way to communicate with someone, and they respond, I feel good. They probably do too, but I’m always surprised how giving something away, however small, gives me a boost.
70. Nothing — ever — happens exactly like you pictured it.
Two things true in life: Everything changes. You will be surprised.
Don’t prepare too much in advance, because all your strategies will require adaptation. We all know how this works with conversations–we rehearse the whole script ahead of time, and then the other person says all the wrong lines!
76. Sometimes you have to remove certain people from your life, even if they’re family.
I believe that a clean break is ALWAYS best. Trying to be friends after a breakup is damned near impossible, in my experience. If you feel you HAVE to try it, wait a few months first. But really, it’s best to move on. You can be civil without being friends.
81. Life is a solo trip, but you’ll have lots of visitors. Some of them are long-term, most aren’t.
I have one very close friend from my childhood. I’m not even in touch with a couple of my bridesmaids. That’s just the way life goes. You are in love today, but trust me, in 25 years you’ll Google that guy, and he will be overweight and wearing a headband with devil’s horns (this happened to me recently, I’m devastated)!
86. Wishing things were different is a great way to torture yourself.
If you can realistically take action to make something better, you must do so. But most of the time we need to just let go. We stew in our own stubborn refusal to give up on someone, even when we know that the other person just doesn’t care that much. You don’t have the power to make them miserable, but you have unlimited power to make yourself miserable. So unfair! Use that emotional intensity to stand up and fight another day.
Do any of these resonate for you? What’s your favorite wisdom about relationships?
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Have a bitchen summer!
Mostly guys wrote that, cool shirtless guys with boxer waistbands peeking above their baby blue Levi cords. Cute guys with hair bleached white from lots of Sun In and more surfing. California guys. Sigh.
I hope you’re having a bitchen summer. Here are some cool Other People’s Blogs I think you’ll enjoy:
Naked With Socks On
This is one of the few blogs about relationships and sex that is written by a dude. A mature, intelligent man, actually. I enjoy reading his take on things. Here’s a post about how it feels when you really, really want someone you know you cannot or should not be with. Confession: I kinda hoped he’d give in at the end.
Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Wince. Yeah, I do that. Here’s some advice about how to stop the insanity:
First, the next time you find yourself telling the same unsatisfying story of your lovesick love life, ask yourself the simple question a dear friend once asked me: “how’s that working for ya?” The answer might just be: it’s not. Use it as your social barometer to measure the success of your dating life. If he’s a cold fish, throw him back.
Second, make it your goal to try something new and unexpected if you truly want new and unexpected results. You might just be pleasantly surprised.
Third, listen closely to your intuition. A man tells you who he is up front, right from the beginning. It’s whether or not you chose to listen that makes all the difference. If your inner alarm starts going off, make him history and move on.
A collection of funny, strange, poignant and just plain bizarre personal ads from the nineteenth century.
Thanks to VJ, a regular commenter on HUS, for providing this very entertaining link. Advertising for Love is a blog written by Pam Epstein, a PhD student in history at Rutgers University. She is close to completing her dissertation on the transformation of love and marriage in the mid-nineteenth to early-twentieth century in America.
Honestly, I was surprised at these personals – some are innocent, but there was plenty of Craigslist-style sex advertising going on back then! Bet you never thought of your great-grandmother getting it on with a sailor. Here’s a sampling of some funny bits:
His object is “mutual improvement!” I love that. I hope his good habits include satisfying her first.
While away our few remaining days? Too sad! And too bad they didn’t have Viagra back then, sounds like he lacks vigor.
Translation: booty call! I envision this happening down at the docks at low tide, the air reeking of rotten fish.
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This is NOT a post about those three little words. This is a post about what women need to hear waaaayyy before that. This is a post for men, about women. If you’re one of my women readers, please use the comments below to add anything you’d like to say. And email this to any guy you know who could use a clue or two in this area!
Sigmund Freud never did figure out what women want. Maybe he should have asked some. While no two women are exactly alike, it’s generally accepted that women differ from men physically, emotionally, and hormonally. We tend to say that all men want is sex, and they tend to generalize that all women want is for them to act like emasculated slaves to our emotional demands.
Of course, we do like our romantic moments, but we also love for our men to be strong and sexy. It can be very difficult for men to strike the right balance, but it’s not really that complicated. Starting from the mushy and working up to the sexy, here are the things that women want to hear:
1. What really gets to you about her physically, (other than legs, tits and ass).
Show her that you are crushing on something physical about her that has nothing overtly to do with sex. Her freckles, her tapered fingers, the backs of her knees. It could be the way she smells, or her smile. I once had a guy tell me he loved my crooked bottom teeth (he was a dental student :-/).
2. What effect she has on you mentally.
Women love to know that you thought of them when you were apart.
Did you find it difficult to concentrate on work because you kept thinking about her?
Is there a particular moment when you were together that you keep remembering?
Tell her, or text her. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, just a quick mention will make her incredibly happy.
3. What you respect or admire about her.
Do you like it that she’s smart? Tell her! Often women feel objectified physically, and are thrilled to learn that a guy thinks they’re smart, or funny, or interesting to talk with. They want you to be attracted to them on an intellectual level (at least the smart ones do)!
Do you share her values? Let her know that you appreciate her character, and what she stands for.
4. How you enjoy spending time with her.
Tell her if you enjoy her company, and find her fun to be around.
So often girls hear about how awesome and crazy your time with the guys was. Let her know that you really crave time just hanging out with her alone sometimes.
Tease her. Give her an affectionate nickname, and spend time developing inside jokes that only the two of you share.
5. How lucky you feel.
Let her know that you think she’s a catch, and that you are a lucky guy to be with her.
When a guy tells a girl that he feels lucky (and surprised!) that she likes him too, it makes a girl feel special.
6. How sexy she is.
She knows you want to HAVE SEX with her. You should make a point of letting her know that you want to have sexWITH HER.
Have you wanted her for a while? Tell her when you first felt that way.
Tell her specifically the effect she has on your body and your brain. Was the sex amazing? Tell her. In particular, women worry about whether they’re any good at oral (even though most guys feel that the worst blow job they ever had was awesome).
Tell her what you like (noises are good), then tell her when she gets it right.
Oh, and speaking of women feeling self-conscious, if you like the way she tastes, make sure you let her know that.
7. What you like about afterwards.
It’s a cliché that women are all about the post-coital cuddling, and guys are all about the sleep.
What do you like to do after sex? Entwine your legs with hers, spoon, play with her hair? Do you like it when the back of her neck is sweaty? Let her know.
We know you want to sleep after sex (that was awesome sperm production!), but if you can give us a few minutes after sex, and make us feel that you are still into us even after you’ve come, we’ll be grateful.
So guys, what do ya think? Was this helpful? Tell me!
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“I have no power. Why should she have the upper hand? Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand. No hand at all. She has the hand. I have no hand.”
George
“We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get.”
Jerry
Willard Waller was a sociologist who coined the phrase “The Principle of Least Interest.” It simply states that the person who has the least interest in continuing a relationship has the greatest power. Waller developed the theory after observing many dating couples at Penn State, where he noticed that romantic partners usually had unequal degrees of emotional involvement. He claimed that if the inequity became too large, one partner would be in a position to exploit the other emotionally. It’s a variation on supply and demand theory. In fact, although the concept was articulated specifically to relate to relationships, it has over time become an economic principle as well, applied frequently to negotiation and marketing strategy.
In her recent book Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus, Kathleen Bogle cites Waller’s research and applies it to the hookup culture. She states that in the college hookup scene, men are the least interested in participating in exclusive relationships. They perceive that they have many women to choose from, and therefore have “no need to hold onto” one particular woman. In contrast, women in her study were focused on trying to turn hookups into boyfriends. Bogle sees this as an extension of the idea that women’s “clocks are ticking” while men “have all the time in the world.” For that reason, the imbalance continues past the college years. Women well into their 20s express frustration at guys’ general unwillingness to be in a committed relationship.
While there are exceptions, this means that most women enter new romantic encounters in a one-down position. I am consistently amazed at how even guys who are not sweet believe that they hold all the cards. They act like sex gods, assuming that women are trying to trap them into relationships. Perhaps they’re right. Overhearing a conversation on New Year’s Eve, I was struck by the general agreement among a group of girls that “boyfriends are ugly.” Again, there are exceptions, but there was definitely consensus that many girls “date down” in order to secure a commitment, even if temporary. To add insult to injury, many women tolerate boyfriends who treat them badly and are crap in the sack.
What are the options available to women who want to be in control of their personal relationships?
Hard to Get, i.e. The Rules
The most common approach is for women to play hard to get, casting themselves in the role of Least Interested Party to gain the upper hand. The theory goes that by seeming difficult to attain, men will put forth more effort. The problem with this approach is that once the woman allows herself to be “caught,” she either becomes easy to hold onto (and is right back where she started), or must constantly play a game of one upsmanship to keep the guy interested.
HJNTIY
Another popular strategy is for women to stop wasting time on the guys who don’t want something real. He’s Just Not That Into You, so don’t waste the pretty. This approach has several advantages. You don’t waste as much time. You become known as a girl who can’t be dicked around. You are not constantly getting crushed by jerks. On the other hand, this approach can lead straight to the dating desert. You don’t waste time with jerks, but where are the great guys who want to date? Guys know you won’t hook up randomly, so you find yourself ignored at a party. You may not be getting dumped, but life sure gets boring when there is no guy intrigue or boy drama.
Practice Self-Control
If you control your own behavior, you have more control overall. No one can exploit you without your cooperation.
Make sure that your level of interest is no greater than his. You will have more power if you are truly less interested, not just pretending indifference. Keep your level of emotional investment “appropriate” to the circumstances. The kiss of death: being needy, eager, too serious early on. Don’t go there. Take it slow.
Develop a “walk-away” position. You know what you are willing to do, and what you will not tolerate. You are prepared to respect your own limits. When the other person crosses that line, you walk. For this strategy to be effective, it is very important that you clearly articulate your expectations in advance. If he doesn’t know what your dealbreakers are, he will be unable to honor them. On the other hand, if he understands the limits and doesn’t observe them, he is telling you clearly that he is not prepared to give you what you want. Once you have made your dealbreakers clear, you MUST see it through. If you cave, you will be in a weaker position than ever.
Be independent. Act like a free agent when you are one. Don’t be exclusive with someone who has not agreed to be exclusive with you. Make a point of spending time with other guys, whether you want to or not. This is NOT about trying to make someone jealous. Do not flirt with his good friends. Go out and meet guys that he doesn’t know. Develop friendships and relationships with new people when you have the opportunity. Think of yourself as “single,” because that is what you are. You are entitled to hang out or hook up with anyone you want to, and owe no explanations.
Keep your priorities straight. A hookup does not come before girlfriends, work, studying, family, Gossip Girl, etc. EVER. He is one person in your life, with a limited role to play, at least for now. Do not get caught up in analyzing every word he says, how often he is in touch, etc. Try not to discuss him constantly with your girlfriends–that just fuels the fire.
Start strong and stay strong. You can express your interest and still be strong, because you are making it clear that your interest is conditional. You are not faking nonchalance. Think of it as making a decision not to get addicted to a potentially unhealthy substance. Too often women enter relationships in binge mode, and have purge mode thrust upon them. Keep your interest steady and your head on straight.
Don’t allow any guy to make you feel small or inadequate. Man up to get hand.
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I speak with many women who would like to be in a relationship, but are missing one important ingredient: that elusive Y chromosome in the form of a guy. They bemoan the current state of affairs, and in a “misery loves company” sort of way, talk about it for hours on end with sympathetic friends in the same boat. I recently tried to bolster some women up by saying, “Hang in there, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.” Yes, it’s a cliche and a platitude, but I’ve always believed it, more or less. Then I read a piece by John DeVore at The Frisky, entitled Enough With the Princess Crapola Already!
He starts out by saying that never again does he want to hear a woman say those words. Here is an excerpt that I thought was particularly thought provoking:
“When I hear perfectly intelligent and willful women console each other with fairy tale mantras that promise, with a lot of persistence, they will find a well-heeled prince to care for them, I become conspiratorial. Like most fairy tales, “The Frog Prince” is a mordant little morality tale that cautiously suggests a lady needn’t be so choosy when picking a suitor. Even the more sanitized, and Americanized, versions of “The Frog Prince” offer this moral: personality counts! Allow yourself to be charmed by a talking frog and you’ll be rewarded. But first, you should be happy with only a talking frog. In fact, you should be so lucky to kiss him.”
You know what? I had never thought about it that way, at least not since I was a child. I had forgotten the moral of the story, lazily interpreting it to mean that you’ll date a lot of losers (frogs) before you find a keeper (prince). John DeVore is right, though. The frog turned into a prince only after the princess fell for him in his ugly state. It was a Beauty and the Beast sort of deal.
I’m always preaching to you about looking past the externals to find someone who gets you, someone smart who has something real to give. Of course, a guy’s being ugly is no guarantee of good behavior. I know one stunning girl who dated a pretty ugly guy after tiring of hot douchey guys. I think she believed he’d be grateful to be dating so far upstream, but he turned out to be the biggest dick of all. So the looks thing cuts both ways. The point is, you need to really get to know someone pretty well before you can fall in love with them, so don’t expect fireworks right off the bat. Even Romeo and Juliet needed the Capulet/Montague feud to kickstart their romance.
Marrying for love is a recent development in the history of mankind, relatively speaking. For many thousands of years, marriages were arranged (and still are in many countries, obvs). Sometimes those relationships grew into profound mutual love. But I’d bet it was the rare young woman who got betrothed to a Robert Pattinson look-alike. It really is important to go deeper when you are sizing up a guy. That’s why I’m always telling you that friendship is the best foundation for a romantic relationship. It’s not a prerequisite, but it can be a great way to get started. And that’s why hooking up, with physical intimacy preceding emotional intimacy, so rarely leads to a full-blown love relationship.
JDV goes on to say:
“Love is an opportunity, not a prize. It should be pursued greedily, recklessly, with an adamant heart. Kiss men, and move on. Maybe one day you’ll kiss a guy and he’ll turn into a guy who’ll march through tornadoes to get you tampons, admit when he’s wrong, and eat ice cream naked in bed with you. The point is: give regular people you date the chance to be extraordinary without the maudlin fairy tale expectation. The favor will be returned.
Lastly, ladies: if you’re heartbroken, grow a pair of ladyballs. Buck up, listen to some Patsy Cline, and toss back nice stiff shot of bourbon.”
Ah, I believe there is great wisdom there! I agree that love should be pursued recklessly, with an adamant heart. And if you get burned, that’s life. FIDO. I guess that wasn’t your special frog after all.
Back to those women complaining that they can’t find a good guy: a young man walked in while we were commiserating. He picked up the gist of the conversation and said, “You girls need to go watch Sex and the City and suck it up.” I asked him, “Why SATC?” He said, “Well that was the premise of the whole show. That show was years of women sitting around bitching about the lack of a good guy. What a waste. Get over it and get back out there. That’s what guys do.”
I think that’s good advice. It is important to grow a pair of ladyballs. And by the way, don’t minimize the potential enjoyment of tragedy when it happens to you. There’s always a part of us that enjoys crying, listening to music that makes us cry harder, belting back a few shots bought by sympathetic friends. Think of it as emotional detox. We all need a Bridget Jones weekend now and then. It’s part of the cleansing ritual.
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“Instead of fulfilling the promise of infinite orgasmic bliss, sex in the America of the feminine mystique is becoming a strangely joyless national compulsion, if not a contemptuous mockery.”
Betty Friedan
US feminist (1921 – 2006)
Many young women feel guilty and unsuccessful when they are unable to embrace a steady diet of casual sex. Perceiving hooking up as the norm, as well as the only viable path to a relationship, they try repeatedly to enjoy themselves in a sexual encounter with someone they barely know. Instead they are often left feeling emotionally (not to mention sexually) frustrated and rejected. Unfortunately, they tend to blame themselves when hookups fizzle. They feel that they have fallen short in some way, that a different girl would have achieved a better result. As parents and friends, we encourage young women to hang in there—“You are beautiful, smart, special. You will meet someone who is right for you.” Understandably, though, most women don’t want to go on an extended hiatus. They don’t want to suspend their sexuality. They are caught in a vicious cycle of attraction, sex, and disappointment.
So I was quite surprised when Carmel de Amicis, the sex columnist at UC Berkeley’s Daily Californian, wrote a piece called Atheists and Abstinence defending her decision to abstain from sex. Some excerpts:
“In America, much of our debate about sexuality stems from two poles: the ethical, conservative side that condemns premarital exploration, and the liberal, rational side that considers premarital sex to be a God-given right! …As a result, the decision to abstain or pursue sex becomes less about the sex and more about an individual’s identity….I’ve found myself thinking about this lately because I’ve been grappling with a relevant conflict: I haven’t wanted to have sex. Disconcerting, especially considering the fact that I’m supposed to be the campus symbol for free love and sex all around. After the abrupt ending of a serious relationship, I was thrust into the hook-up culture on campus, where casual sexual encounters are frequent and exalted. For the first time since I started having sex, I was forced to make the decision on a regular basis: yes or no? Overwhelmingly, my emotions were against it and they would annoyingly shout at me as I eyed the boy at the bar (Stop! No! Don’t do it!).
But my rational thoughts begged to differ, whispering in my other ear, “As a woman, you SHOULD be allowed to have sex whenever/wherever/with whomever!” This led to a few dry, hollow encounters that made me realize something key: even if I should feel comfortable having sex, that doesn’t mean I necessarily want to.
I know. Shocking. It’s total blasphemy to admit this in a column that’s only supposed to titillate you. But it’s true, I am not so sex-crazed that casual sex appeals to me. It took me a while to realize this because I was caught in the implications that accompany the choice to abstain. I was confused by my general sense that people only abstain because they think sex is wrong or dirty, God will judge them, or they’re prudish. Otherwise, the general thinking goes that sex is so fucking awesome, of COURSE you will want to have it as much as possible. It’s a vicious feedback loop with little way out for the rational mind.
Which brings me to my big point. Why is it that we need a reason to justify our sexual choices? We have built up a whole army of ideology and belief systems to solidify and support either end of our yes/no sex decision. Instead of listening to our intuitions, we rely on outside affiliations and ethical/logical explanations to make our decisions.
Especially in the college hook-up culture, ‘yes’ has become the default setting for us and any other decision would require a justification. It’s supported by such ingrained beliefs about freedom, progress and rights that people fall into bed together left and right without actively making the choice. Sex is expected and when you consider not having it you are fighting a whole host of other factors. Somehow, we have swung the pendulum back the other way, such that sex is a bit like the new abstinence: it feels like a betrayal to our values and ideals to say no.”
Ms. de Amicis is a brave young woman. The progress, values and ideals that she speaks of relate to feminism, of course. She may not realize it, but she’s just taken on a potent army of sex-positive feminists. Sex-positive feminism, which dominates the feminist agenda today, arose as a response against the previous generation of feminists who campaigned against pornography and the sexual objectification of women. The new population of feminists has little tolerance for abstinence as a choice. If you’re not into a whole extensive menu of sexual practices, you’ve been oppressed by the patriarchy. You’re not legit.
Feminists are dismissive of hookup culture, frequently claiming that it doesn’t exist, that it’s just the overreactive imagining of old fogies and right wing nuts who don’t want young people having sex before marriage. Jessica Valenti of Feministing.com writes:
“I actually don’t believe that hook [sic] culture exists. What I do think is cause for worry is the way that conservative and anti-women organizations, writers, and media makers are using this myth of a hook up culture to promote regressive values surrounding gender and to roll back women’s rights.”
Abstinence is vilified, the dirtiest word in the English language. Referring to recently published books exploring and documenting the hookup culture, Tracy Clark-Flory writes in Salon.com:
“These books are just the latest result of the mounting abstinence movement, which, despite its religious roots, has recast its attack on “hookup” culture as secular, even feminist. Perhaps young women are putting feminist ideals of equality into sex by refusing shame and claiming the traditionally male side of the stud/slut double standard.”
It’s ironic, then, that young women today feel shame for NOT having casual sex. They’ve tried on the male side of sex, and have found it a poor fit. Feminists seem incapable of considering the choice to abstain from sex separately from abstinence-only sex education. They are infuriated by women who identify themselves as abstinent, and often cast suspicion on their sanity by portraying them as crazy evangelicals. I believe that a woman’s choice about whether to have sex is no one’s business but her own. And if she chooses to associate with other women making the same choice at a particular point in their lives, that is not subversive. That is community. Why should groups of abstinence-minded students at universities be ridiculed for fraternizing, while publicly funded week-long Sex Worker Shows are celebrated?
Tracy Clark-Flory voices strenuous objections to the student abstinence group at Harvard called True Love Revolution. Janie Fredell, who was co-President of the group, asserts that by refusing to have sex, she is asserting control of her own body. She argues that her stand is a feminist one: “It takes a strong woman to be abstinent, and that is the sort of woman I want to be.”
“But Fredell doesn’t care about women making their own decisions about whether or not to have sex before marriage, she simply wants them to make the same decision she has made. She defines female empowerment along her own very personal and religious terms. Fredell can call herself a feminist all she wants, but the only woman she’s truly defending is herself.”
Who are sex-positive feminists standing up for? Who do they represent and defend other than themselves?
Here are a few of the choices wholeheartedly embraced by sex-positive feminists:
In other words, the liberated modern woman is sexually omnivorous. While these practices are portrayed as “normal”, abstinence is considered a freak show. If you define normal as lying within the bell curve, I would argue that none of these acts qualify.
Penny Red is a self-described blogger of the young feminist left. Here are some of her rules for “Fucking Like a Feminist”:
In bondage/kink/role-play situations, respect my desires and I’ll respect yours. Get me off and I’ll get you off.
The mainstream model of heteronormative sex is limited and outdated. Challenging received gender roles in the bedroom means more experimentation, more emotional risk-taking, and more fun for everyone.
Feminists sleep with men, women, or both. Feminists have sex both within and outside of long-term relationships. Some feminists are kinky, or polyamorous, or have rare fetishes. Some don’t, and that’s OK too.
Any sexual proclivity is feminist if it is approached with equal respect for both partners’ needs and desires.
Feminists are gay, straight, bisexual, transsexual, genderqueer, kinky, vanilla, radically romantic, in myriad changing combinations. Feminists are fun, in and out of bed, period.
Rachel Kramer Bussel, a sex writer and leader in the sex-positive movement, believes that casual sex is “under attack”:
“There’s a world of difference between being branded a sex object and choosing to be one…I may like to get spanked until I scream, but I still deserve to be treated as an intelligent human being… Feminists are just like any other women, and it’d be a shame for us to hold back in a misguided attempt to live up to the legacies of Susan B. Anthony and Gloria Steinem.”
Ms. Bussel goes on to say:
“We can choose to be celibate, or to have someone come on our face. Having a full range of sexual options should be a high-priority feminist goal…Thankfully, many of us are exploring our kinks in all their flavors.”
How does what you do in the privacy of your own sex life have anything to do with the goals of feminism? If you do choose to be celibate, then how do you qualify as a sex-positive feminist? In reality, I believe we are talking about a miniscule but extremely vocal part of the adult female population when we consider women who are seeking group sex, not to mention sex that flirts with violence, domination and subjugation. These women are several standard deviations from the mean. They are so far outside the mainstream as to render their views interesting perhaps, but largely irrelevant to most of us.
No one has the right to make you feel guilty for having and enjoying sex. And no one has the right to make you feel guilty if you discover that you’re not cut out for casual sex. You are not alone. In fact, the overwhelming majority of women feel exactly the way that you do.
In 1969, at the height of the Sexual Revolution, the mantra at Woodstock was: “If it feels good, do it.” Amen. And if it starts feeling like crap, you have every right to stop without feeling like a pariah. That is equality for women.
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One of the reasons that young people prefer to hook up casually is that they are hesitant to get emotionally invested in a relationship with an expiration date on it. The school year ends, people study abroad, job offers come from different cities, as do acceptances to graduate school. Most people can expect to be fairly mobile until their mid-20s. Not surprisingly, that’s when dating is most likely to occur, as the idea of finding “the one” begins to take hold.
(Photo by joelogon via Flickr Creative Commons)
In the meantime, though, what if you fall for someone? It might not be practical, but sometimes romance does happen in spite of everyone’s best efforts not to catch feelings. Or maybe you desire a level of emotional intimacy that casual hooking up just doesn’t offer. That’s a good thing. You need practice at relationships. The person you are into this summer may not have babies with you, but there’s still a lot you can learn and enjoy from each other. You’re both into it, you go for it, D-day arrives. What next?
Sometimes couples decide to try and keep it going, knowing the pitfalls. Relationships are hard work, and long-distance relationships take a special kind of effort. If you get lazy and stop working on them, they die. Occasionally, they just fade away and no one gets crushed. More often, though, they die a hideous death as one or both partners mourn the end of something that could have been great if only they lived nearer one another.
How can you succeed in a long-distance relationship? It helps a lot if the separation is finite – you know you will (or could) live in the same place at some future date. If you do decide to try and make it work, there are key strategies that are fairly obvious:
open and frequent communication
honesty
trust
sharing information about your separate lives
visiting whenever possible
The secret to a great long-distance relationship is great sex. That means tech sex.
I once heard a guy complain that he didn’t think it would work because he had “needs.” Who doesn’t? What do you think your right hand is for? Hand + phone = good sex, at least theoretically. When I was growing up, all we had were phones (not even cordless) with heavy handsets. Nowadays you younguns have all kinds of incredible technology available to you, and you can have a pretty decent sex life with someone even if you live halfway around the world. A relationship can’t thrive forever on long-distance sex, but it can go a long way in between real visits. The hardest part sometimes is beginning. It can feel a little intimidating getting started, but it is very rewarding, so stick with it. Sometimes long-distance sex is even more awesome because you take risks and let yourself go in a way that you might not when you are together face-to-face.
Instant Messaging
Good way to dip your toe in the pool, but lacks the immediacy of verbal/audio communication.
Send photos. You can send a progression of pics in real time as you get aroused, and of course they can be viewed again later when you’re not in touch.
Dirty texting. Always fun, especially at times when it’s not safe! This is a great way to build anticipation for later.
Vibrator. There’s a new iphone app from pleasure.com that turns the iphone into a vibrator. The vibrations are not very strong, but the developers’ intent is that you’ll use it slyly while on the subway, in line at Starbucks, etc. (Seriously, this might require an ample supply of Purell, ew.)
Skype Sex
This is the biggie, as far as I’m concerned. Talk dirty face to face. Use the webcam and your imagination to turn your partner (and yourself) on.
You can find porn that is relationship-oriented, appealing to both men and women. Watch it on your laptops at the same time while on your cell phones.
Internet Sex Toys
Sounds like the technology has a way to go here, but there are devices that communicate through software online.
The most popular combination is the Interactive Fleshlight for him and the Sinulator (rabbit vibrator) for her. When he manipulates the Fleshlight, she feels it in her vibrator. It currently requires interacting with a goofy dashboard on your computer, but the whole field of teledildonics (ridiculous word, I know) is growing rapidly.
Obviously, none of these approaches are limited to long-distance couples. If it intrigues you, try it out.
I would be remiss if I didn’t offer a word of warning here. Remember, Google is forever. It’s very common for women to be filmed with their consent for private use, and then for the film to be uploaded to the internet without their knowledge. Even someone you know extremely well may be capable of betraying your privacy at some future date. Personally, I would recommend keeping your face out of any really sexy videos or photos. Even if it’s anonymous online, all it takes it for one person to recognize you and tag it. Search engines will then find it whenever your name is Googled. Just ask Leighton Meester, whose tape of her giving her ex a “foot job” has been leaked and sold for online display. And check out this New York Times story about someone discovering a clueless friend on an amateur porn site.
This is What Love Looks Like [caption id="attachment_1716" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Crusita Martinez"][/caption] Ahhhh, I am such a cynic about Valentine's Day. But leave it to Bella English at the Boston Globe to get me all sentimental. Reading this story reduced me to weeping and sobbing this morning. Men like Cesar Muniz are bound to be......
Brilliant Dating Advice From a Dead Virgin [caption id="attachment_3148" align="aligncenter" width="619" caption="Lizzy and Mr. Darcy"][/caption] Jane Austen understood everything about the human heart. That's an astonishing accomplishment for a woman who died a virgin at 41. Lauren Henderson, a novelist who attended Cambridge University in England and wrote her dissertation on the courtship rituals in Jane Austen,......
7 Surprising Lessons Gardening Taught Me About Relationships [caption id="attachment_2951" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="My Garden"][/caption] "In gardens, beauty is a by-product. The main business is sex and death." Sam Llewelyn I spent my holiday weekend digging holes. I am a gardener, and every year on Memorial Day I plant, and weed, and water, and generally launch......
Dating Rules That Make Sense, Finally Robot Heart is one of my favorite blogs. Katie, the blogger, posts numerous (many!) things on there every day. In fact, Katie is an amazing woman, with five blogs: Robot Heart Twenty Something Sex, Religion and Politics Daily Beagle Things I *Heart* About Oregon She's really into photography and design,......
What's Dumb About Hooking Up? (Part I) “You’re promiscuous if you do anything, but you’re a prude if you do nothing.” Naomi Wolf Let me say right off that I don't have a problem with hooking up in a moral sense. As a former wild child I understand the appeal of the one-night stand. It's......
Extra Income Ideas For College Students And Recent Graduates It's never too early to start thinking about earning extra income. A good job is hard to find in this economy, so it's not a bad idea to embrace the concept of building multiple income streams as a career. Photo by Peter Gene via Flickr Here are 7 extra income......
Three Ways Falling in Love is Good For Your Budget I always thought that when M and I moved in together it would be harder to keep a joint budget then when I was on my own. And while it may be a little more complicated than having just one account and worrying about your own expenses, it turns......
Best Of 2008 And Wishing You A Happy 2009 It's hard to believe how fast time flies, but here we are already in 2009. Before we look forward, let's reflect back on 2008. In term of the economy, it wasn't so great; but I hope each of you can find one good thing that happened to you last year......
How to Putt Like a Pro No matter how well you can drive or chip, the key to your score often lies right on the green. The exercise of putting a little ball in a little hole is one of the most frustrating known to men and it can be the deal breaker when it comes......
Get 500 Caresses Sent to Your Cell Phone Caresses in this instance being words. Cell phone novels have arrived in America! Lunch time erotica snippets are available for purchase at Ravenous Romance for a mere 99 cents or 66 pence. These short story Ravenous Rendezvous are posted every day at noon. You can buy your ebook in one......
I’ve become a sort-of regular on Curtis Sliwa’s WABC Talk Radio show. Curtis’ producer Frank Morano found me in January after I wrote Is Porn Changing the Way We Kiss? and invited me on. I figured what the hell, and wound up having a blast. Curtis Sliwa is hilarious. He is a man’s man through and through, so discussing relationships with him is always interesting.
You may recognize the name. Curtis Sliwa is famous for founding the Guardian Angels in NYC in the late 70s. Their mission was combating violence and crime in the city’s subways. I was living in Brooklyn a few years after that. I’d just finished business school, and was too broke to take cabs around. Mostly we walked or took the subway everywhere. Rush hour was always fine, but taking the subway late, or on a weekend anytime, could be a pretty scary experience. There were often gangs just cruising around, looking very menacing. At those moments, the sight of a couple of red berets boarding the train felt like winning the lottery. They weren’t armed, but they were very courageous, and their presence served as a huge deterrent to crime. Thirty years later, Curtis Sliwa is a prominent public figure with his own talk show. He is a true populist, an independent without a party affiliation. He’s got a huge personality, strong opinions, and a great sense of humor.
I’ve been trying to figure out for ages how to bring some of those interviews here for you to listen to, but as a card-carrying member of the TFWA (Technological Fuckwit Association), I’ve managed to complicate something most kindergarteners could probably do. It’s still not perfect, but here’s a link to a recent appearance, where I discussed 25 Totally Awesome Things I Love About Men.
And just because I can’t resist, here’s a photo of Curtis in the early days. Check out that bod!
College Guy Diagnosed with Chronic Hookup Fatigue Syndrome This just in! Scientists have confirmed a diagnosis of the first official case of Chronic Hookup Fatigue Syndrome in a college male. Though CHFS has been epidemic among young women in recent years, the scientific community has been baffled by men's seeming resistance to the illness. Research has focused on......
Is Marie Claire's Rich Santos an Ignorant Beast? Marie Claire has a dating blogger named Rich Santos, and I find his bits kind of sweet and charming. And he's very honest. Too honest, sometimes, as in TMI, and he's not always, er, PC on the feminism front. Well, over at Jezebel, they've been none too pleased with Mr.......
How to End a Relationship Like a Man OK, so it's more like How to End a Relationship the Way You Wish He Would End It. There's a pretty interesting blog called the Art of Manliness that's coming up on its first anniversary. From their About page: The Art of Manliness- a blog dedicated to uncovering the lost......
You Are Who You Sleep With I have one final thought I want to share with you from the story of how I got together with my husband all those years ago. It's tricky, but I think it's important, so here goes. You say a lot about who you are and what you want when......
25 Totally Awesome Things I Love About Men My son is back from college, and it's great to have him around. Most of the rebellion and conflict is behind us at this point, so we can hang out together and enjoy each other's company. He's a faithful reader of Hooking Up Smart, supportive and encouraging. He thinks I......
Universal Mobile Telecommunication Systems MOBILE COMMUNICATIONS Mobile communication is the application of wireless technology in the access network. It offers many useful features, • Easy installation for rapid roll out • Proven platform with scalability • Future proof • Reliable and secure • Mobility It is a very rapidly growing and popular service which......
Was It Rude To Say Hello To Him? My husband and I attended a wedding yesterday at the local public golf course at Gold Mountain. As we were walking up to the building , we passed three Japanese gentlemen walking towards their cars with their clubs and carts. Maybe it is because I used to work as......
Link roundup: Music competition edition Today I attended my Lions Club's student music competition. It's always fun to listen to these. Always a lot of hard work going into these competitions. I hope that these kids continue with the music and keep their hands in it; music is one thing that can bring joy to......
Weekly Highlights: April 12, 2009 I know a lot of you have been following Larry Swedroe's work and I want to let you know that Larry has launched his own blog at CBS Money Watch called Wise Investing -- please check it out. Congratulation Larry, and thank you for all your help over the years!......
Welcome to the Money Hackers Network Welcome to the Money Hackers Network. If you have a personal finance related blog, and would like to increase your traffic and exposure, please join us. In a nutshell, this is a traffic exchange network and group search engine portal for personal finance blogs. Why should you join? Targeted traffic......
How to Stimulate Demand in a Relationship Recession The worldwide luxury goods market, once thought immune to the ebbs and flows of economic fluctuations, is likely to enter a recession in 2009, according to Bain & Company's Luxury Goods Worldwide Market Study. Francesco Trapani, CEO of Bulgari, insists that he will not risk the company's image for opulence...... 
Do Guys Need Porn? I've touched on the issue of guys and porn before in Sex: Men Desire It, and Women Control the Supply. Over at College Candy, they've got a good piece that tackles the question of WHY guys like porn so much. Girls who find out their boyfriends are looking at a...... 
Why Do Feminists Find Abstinence Intolerable? "Instead of fulfilling the promise of infinite orgasmic bliss, sex in the America of the feminine mystique is becoming a strangely joyless national compulsion, if not a contemptuous mockery." Betty Friedan US feminist (1921 - 2006) Many young women feel guilty and unsuccessful when they are unable to embrace...... 
Kissing and Dishing There's a new website called Kiss and Dish that looks like fun. It's a place to share stories, commiserate and get advice if you need it. I learned about it in an article at the Ohio State student online newspaper. Kristen Ricordati and her business partner Daniel Kiepfer started the...... 
Tipsy Texter, Drunk Dialing's Little Sister There was a lot of interest in my post about texting this week, which just goes to show how pervasive (and annoying) those pesky little texts can be. At The Frisky, Amelia got her guys on AIM to discuss how they feel about texting and calling, and why they don't...... 
Sarah Palin - Female Teddy Roosevelt?? ... 
justice and equality we discussed great topics in JP-meeting, or lemme rephrase, They discussed and I was a listener, they were talking about the equality of men and women, or Shall I say women and men? noway MEN FIRST. and naseem commented and said "actually they want justic but they think they want...... 
Expected Family Contribution - The Key Target When Saving For College When saving money for college education, you should be aware of your Expected Family Contribution (EFC). EFC is how much money your family is expected to contribute to your college education -- the lower your EFC, the more financial aid you will receive. A Brief Note From Plonkee One of...... 
