Life is Good. For Boys.
“All I want is what’s coming to me. All I want is my fair share.”
Sally, A Charlie Brown Christmas
A few years ago, when my daughter was in middle school, I began to hear alarming tales of girls giving blow jobs on school buses and at bar mitzvahs. Once she got to high school, other scandals cropped up: girls and boys sending cell phone photos of themselves having sex, girls kissing each other for guys’ entertainment and girls hooking up with more than one guy at a time. Most of these reports were in the press, but a couple occurred in our own community as well. I understood that these behaviors were indulged in by a small minority of kids. But a sense began to take hold among girls (and savvy parents) that sexual mores and practices were changing rapidly, and that no one was applying the brakes.
I felt fortunate because my daughter was very open with me, and we were able to talk about most everything during her adolescent years. Much of what she observed around her made her uncomfortable, but at the same time she wanted to have an active social life and plenty of interaction with boys. As she navigated those sometimes treacherous waters, I aimed to be a sympathetic listener and sounding board. In trying to offer guidance, I frequently called on my own experiences growing up. I was pretty up front about sharing memories of my own disastrous missteps, and we would often wind up laughing together, which added perspective to her own immediate predicaments. In this way, I believe she came to understand that I expected her to make mistakes, and that I would not judge her. I kept the focus on how important it was that she maintain her self-respect by remaining true to herself.
Through the years, her girlfriends came to our kitchen table, where they too would share their stories and dilemmas. Those conversations often reflected how confused and unsure of themselves the girls were, but the tone remained irreverent and we always found ways to laugh. My contributions continued to be in the area of adding perspective, and in providing a strategic way of helping the girls to identify their challenges and their options. Together we would determine the best next step, and off they would go to give it a try. In this way, I learned a great deal about the hooking up culture and how vulnerable girls feel as they try to find their way to love and relationships.
My daughter is now a sophomore in college, where traditional dating is non-existent, and the hookup scene dominates. There is no other game on campus; one participates or has few opportunities for socializing with the opposite sex. Like most girls her age, she is looking for a good guy, and it’s not easy. They’re out there, but never before have boys had it so good. Boys can have just about everything they want (or think they want) with very little effort. They can hook up every weekend with a different girl. All they have to do is drink enough to get up the nerve to hit on someone. With their “beer goggles” on, almost anyone will do. And they’re not obligated in any way once a hookup is over. It’s usually just “one and done.” As rarely as hooking up leads to a monogamous relationship, girls know that without a system of structured courtship, it’s still their best hope.
I came of age in the 1970′s; it was the era of sexual liberation for women, and we experimented with our newfound freedom. We too had one-night stands that were free from expectations. But we still had the parallel traditional structure of dating to fall back on. To preserve our reputations, we generally did not have one-night stands with boys we hoped to date. We preferred anonymity for casual sex. (And then, as now, boys rarely dated the girls they had casual sex with.) Boys’ status among their peers was based in part on having a steady girlfriend, and they were charged with making most of the effort to attract and keep a girl. Girls had a lot of say in how their relationships developed and progressed; boys wanted sex and girls were in charge of granting access. Boys understood that a girl was unlikely to “go all the way” without going steady.
Today’s girls are dealing with a very different environment, one where they have very little say in how they relate to boys. Boys are not being unfair. They are being true to themselves and playing by the rules in today’s world. Why would a boy want to pursue a relationship with one girl when he can have a variety of casual sexual experiences and earn the respect of his buddies? Today, it is men who define the status of a relationship. They decide whether to call a girl after hooking up, are under no obligation to state their intentions, and usually refrain from initiating any conversations with the girl about what their interactions mean. Boys face very little risk of rejection under the status quo, and girls are more dependent on boys than ever to get what they want. Surely this is the opposite of freedom and equality for young women! I don’t believe that girls want to go back to the old traditions; there were many disadvantages to that system too. But it is time for girls to reclaim some of that power, that sense of having control over their relationships with boys.
As a business strategy consultant with 25 years of problem-solving experience, I propose that we take a hard look at where we are, how we got here and where we want to go from here. We need to carefully consider exactly what we’ve gained, and what it is we’ve lost. Then we’ll develop a strategic plan to help you get what you want in a way that you will feel good about.
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Seriously, this should be paired with “he’s just not that into you”…
I love it!
I just graduated from Purdue University and this culture is exactly as you describe it. The way I got around it was through making myself a very limited, and thus attractive, quantity – I didn't have sex with anyone at all. The demand rose, and soon enough, I had gained control of my relationships. They went how I wanted them to go. Anyone who wasn't interested in following my rules simply couldn't even get a taste – I wouldn't give them the time of day!
Erica, thank you so much for commenting! Your comment is AWESOME. What a great story. This was literally the first post I ever wrote, and your comment reminds me why I started Hooking Up Smart in the first place. It really is all about supply and demand. I'm gonna feature your comment on some new post – definitely worth sharing. Please come back often and put in your two cents!
Token boy here, operating under anonymity for (possibly) obvious reasons.
I hate, hate, *hate* hookup culture. I am not comfortable with it, much to my own chagrin. My first sexual experience was at 17, with a girl who just wanted a hookup. When we met, I couldn't even get an erection. We later sealed the deal, but only *after* I had told her (and convinced myself) that I loved her. I severed it after a month, and not a little distraught.
Such has been the norm for my life. I am now 24, and just getting out of a 14 month relationship. She is my eleventh woman, but only the fourth that I've ever had sex with. And part of what caused our relationship to end was my discomfort with her sexuality.
In the year she met me, she had slept with more people than I had been with in my entire life — and she had about five times the number of overall “notches” (I hate that word) that I do. We went to bed on our second date, with me tendering lame excuses for why I had to terminate the sex prematurely. “Oh, I'm losing my wood because I'm paranoid about using someone else's condom, sorry.” And seeing how efficiently she produced condoms and lubricant from their strategic location in the top drawer of her night stand made me feel crappy. For the first week of sex, I couldn't even cum.
And she assumed I was a player. (Evidently, such is the nature of men with gym memberships.) By our third or fourth date, she was showing me pictures of her ex's. “This one had a reaaaally big dick.” “I was banging this one for a while, although one time I had to kick him out of my bedroom to have sex with another guy, and the fucker stayed downstairs the whole time!” And what about me? What crazy anecdotes did this lothario have to share?
Nothing. I didn't keep pictures of my ex's, nor maintain bubbly contact with them. I hadn't had much sex, nor many partners. Next to her, I was feeling like a total wimp.
But I really, really liked this girl. I felt a warmth in her soul that drew me like a moth to flame. And I tried harder than I ever have before to hang in there. We wound up falling deeply in love. There was a lot of beauty there, for a while.
Then things went south. We are not perfect, I with my flaws and she with hers. But when the honeymoon period was over, and I was faced with the negative aspects of her personality, her sexuality started to bother me an order of magnitude more than ever before. Perhaps I am delusional, but I feel like, without this albatross on my shoulders, we could have worked things out. But there came a point where she threw me out in a fury, which she later regretted. And in that moment I lost all affection for her. After a month of trying, I couldn't bring it back. We are now separated. The pain is visceral and unrelenting.
I look at her, and something inside me says “slut – stay away.” And I hate myself for that. I hate feeling like that. I hate judging her. I was a good little feminist, growing up. I thought this would never happen to me, only to oppressive members of the patriarchy with their evil double standards. But no. I think she's a slut. I don't want to be with her.
The worst part? As our relationship developed and we discussed these things, it came out that her “sluttiness” (maybe I really do just have a warped perspective, therefore, quotes) happened in response to being hurt badly by infidelities in previous, committed relationships, and to peer pressure by her social circle of educated, childless, chain-smoking women in their late twenties and early thirties. She (claimed?) that she didn't look back on it fondly.
But the damage is still done.
And here I am, feeling that I need to play a role I don't want in order to have even a chance of getting a relationship with a woman, who most likely has prostrated herself before the altar of the hookup, and equally likely, is expending non-trivial effort trying to convince herself that such is well and good. I think it’s a right miserable state of affairs, but what do I know. Maybe I’m just gay.
My two cents. Or twenty bucks, if we scale for verbosity.
Maximus, let me first say that I am very glad you stopped by HUS and left a comment. I LOVE it when guys share their point of view. You are not alone, but it's not often that a guy will share so openly what he hates about the hookup culture.
I have to be honest here – this woman's behavior early in your relationship was outrageous, cruel and not classy. Showing pictures of ex's? Describing their genitals and her sexual experiences with them? Her story about having sex with two guys one right after the other while one waited downstairs? I'm sorry to say this, but she sounds like a paid sex worker. Based on your description of what you are looking for, I cannot imagine how you ever were happy with this woman. Also, you mention that her circle of friends was in their late 20s and early 30s – while you are 24. So she was not only very sexually experienced, but also older?
I know that there are plenty of women out there who feel the way that you do, and do not have a history of random hookups. My advice to you is to try to meet women in places other than those where sexually promicuous women hang out, and to take things slow. There is no reason you have to feel pressured to rush into sex.
You are a funny guy, and a good writer. I think you sound like a catch!
Thanks so much for the reply Susana. I don't like to air dirty laundry, so apart from my sister, I haven't talked to anybody else about this. I appreciate you taking the time to help out an e-stranger
I've read quite a bit of this blog over the past few days, and I have to say, it is a remarkably fresh breath of air. I love the utilitarian approach! It's not that hooking up makes baby jesus cry, but you have done a great job of measuring the short end of the stick. Major kudos.
Awww, thanks so much. It truly means a lot. I sit here blogging away day after day, wondering if anyone in the world gives a damn. So I can't tell you how much I appreciate the feedback!
I am so glad you confide in your sister. One of the main advantages of having a sibling of the opposite sex is to get some perspective and understanding of what it looks like on the other side. Of course, you are always welcome here too, and I will always answer your comment or email.
There is always the flipside to everything. The disadvantage about being a man is that our testosterone sometimes rules us in a way that is annoying. Not all men are robots who only want to f**k, most are a mix of romantic, elevated feelings with a dose of hormones. For these, the hookup scene is not satisfying. Most of the times the guys leave a girl after the first sex, is because they are bored to death by her persona.
So, you see, it is not always good to have an attraction to someone you don´t even like. Especially if you are not rich, handsome, extrovert and tall.
I agree that many girls turn into sluts in order to have some social acceptance, and it is hard for them. But many are jerkettes these days, especially those with strong personalities. They like to play and they don´t hurt much. This kind of girl, especially if she is pretty, can easily emotionally destroy a nice guy.
My advice for any good girl is just to be who you are, and to try to attract men with qualities other than sex: intelligence, niceness, good taste, good humor. Many men are looking for these tracts, and only settle for hook-ups because they can´t find them anywhere.
And Maximus, the girl was a slut indeed. Keep away.
Life is good, for boys, my ass.
Life is good for some boys, for a minority of boys, maybe 15-20%. Actually, i can see why you said this. You said in another post “handsome, faithful, high-earning; pick two” If you insist on two, that eliminates about 50-60% of men right at the puck drop.
Under the old sexual constitution, everybody pretty much found their same level, and the “one-ers” among the men could find the “one-ers” among the women (sexy, sane, smart, remember?) Under the hook-up manifesto, a handful of high-T types can burn their way into the hindbrains of several dozen women, rendering them almost useless as long-term partners for average, boring men who will never be in the limelight.
You were lucky, Susan. You grabbed one of the good ones when you were at your peak. There isn't an inexhaustible supply of guys like your husband.
Ah, Loser, thanks so much for leaving a comment. I hear your frustration – this is such an intractable problem. The truth is, there are lots of miserable guys and girls. What's stupid is that I think there could be a whole lot more real mating and relating going on, if everyone would just stop jockeying for position and control.
For starters, handsome, faithful, high-earner…none of those are absolutes. For me, loyalty is very important. I want the security of feeling sure that my husband is faithful. High earner? Well, enough to know we'll be able to pay the bills and fund college for any kids we have. Most women aren't asking for the world. And handsome? That is so relative and personal to the individual. I've been crazy about men who weren't that handsome, and become bored quickly by men who most women would rate a '10.' I don't believe in having a laundry list – falling in love can happen in surprising ways with unexpected partners.
I do agree with what you say about hooking up. The high testosterone males do run the scene, and I'm trying to do my bit to get women to see what a dead end that is 98% of the time. But I don't agree that the other 85% of men are average or boring. Some of the smartest, most interesting men are to be found outside the limelight. I especially think that those guys come into their own later, while the high-t guys peak early.
I met my husband when he was 27. He was smart and interesting and I found him attractive. But he was a totally awkward guy throughout high school and college. He's very tall and skinny, not athletic. Most definitely not high testosterone. He's beta by nature, but he's smart and successful. He's a great life partner. And while I don't think there's an inexhaustible supply of quality men, I think there are a whole lot of them.
I know that many of those men are discouraged and bitter, practicing Game techniques and blaming the women's movement. I don't think that's going to solve anything. It may get betas laid, but it's not going to get them love, companionship, family. That's what I believe we all really want.
Ah, Loser, thanks so much for leaving a comment. I hear your frustration – this is such an intractable problem. The truth is, there are lots of miserable guys and girls. What's stupid is that I think there could be a whole lot more real mating and relating going on, if everyone would just stop jockeying for position and control.
For starters, handsome, faithful, high-earner…none of those are absolutes. For me, loyalty is very important. I want the security of feeling sure that my husband is faithful. High earner? Well, enough to know we'll be able to pay the bills and fund college for any kids we have. Most women aren't asking for the world. And handsome? That is so relative and personal to the individual. I've been crazy about men who weren't that handsome, and become bored quickly by men who most women would rate a '10.' I don't believe in having a laundry list – falling in love can happen in surprising ways with unexpected partners.
I do agree with what you say about hooking up. The high testosterone males do run the scene, and I'm trying to do my bit to get women to see what a dead end that is 98% of the time. But I don't agree that the other 85% of men are average or boring. Some of the smartest, most interesting men are to be found outside the limelight. I especially think that those guys come into their own later, while the high-t guys peak early.
I met my husband when he was 27. He was smart and interesting and I found him attractive. But he was a totally awkward guy throughout high school and college. He's very tall and skinny, not athletic. Most definitely not high testosterone. He's beta by nature, but he's smart and successful. He's a great life partner. And while I don't think there's an inexhaustible supply of quality men, I think there are a whole lot of them.
I know that many of those men are discouraged and bitter, practicing Game techniques and blaming the women's movement. I don't think that's going to solve anything. It may get betas laid, but it's not going to get them love, companionship, family. That's what I believe we all really want.
Well, who tells you that women dont like casual sex and only want relationships? I personally know several women who slept with guys JUST because they found them to be hot and sexy/attractive and they wanted nothing out of them except sex and physical pleasure. who tells you that your daughter does not want a Hot guy for a casual and raunchy fling from time to time?
Hi hotornot, thanks for commenting. It's not true that women don't like casual sex. It's also not true that all women want relationships. But research clearly shows that men want more casual sex than women do. And women want relationships more than men do. In the current culture, casual sex is the norm, and the path to a committed relationship. So women enter into casual sex WHETHER THEY WANT IT OR NOT. Those who want nothing but casual are happy. Those who hope a relationship will grow out of hooking up are disappointed 88% of the time. The other thing is that women want different things at different points in their lives. Maybe this year you don't want a commitment. Maybe you'll meet someone in 9 months and change your mind. There are innumerable variations.
For the small number of women who only want casual sex all the time, it's all good!
This behavior really does damage women. There are many women out there who are so messed up emotionally that they think you don’t like them if you don’t try to get into their pants at the first possible moment. I generally assume that women like this are sluts who have been with many guys before me and that is a huge turn-off.
The author may think this hook-up behavior is good for men, but I think it is actually a bad thing. It is very difficult to find a suitable potential wife who likely hasn’t slutted around.
I agree with you. A lot of the women who get used by these players give it up so quickly because they are dating way out of their league. Those guys just want sex but the women foolishly believe that something more than sex is there. If the women are with enough of these players, they sometimes delude themselves into believing that they are more attractive than they really are and shun men who could be much more suitable partners. By the time these women wake up and decide to seriously pursue a suitable husband, it is often too late for them. I know some women like this who are in their mid-late 30s and they are so bitter because they aren’t married. However, they were probably very attractive enough in their 20s that they could have found a great guy, but they selfishly wasted their youth and beauty on players. There are many bitter women out there who tried to play this game only to get burned.
The funny thing is that guys who would have married them when they were in their 20s often no longer want those women when their are in their mid-late 30s either because they are already married or have found younger women who are much nicer and more interested in them.
Susan,
I enjoy your blog and I think your intent is admirable; the hookup culture is definitely causing a degradation in the social fabric, and yes, it’s a bonanza for the high-T types, as commenter Loser said.
In your response to him, last paragraph, you asserted that practicing game techniques, being bitter, and blaming the women’s movement wouldn’t solve anything. While I agree with two of the three, Game for men really levels the playing field, especially for us men who DO want a committed, loving, spiritual connection along with family & children.
Part of the issue is that the women’s movement, specifically 2nd wave feminism, really did take the genie out of the bottle, and in doing so, decoupled women’s sexual instincts from the social mechanisms in place for millenia. Those sexual instincts are both those of short-term mating with Alpha types, and an enhancement of the natural female hypergamous instinct. Women have built-in status detectors, and will often get together with a perceived high-status man as a way to test their own status, as well as to satisfy the ‘gina tingle, as it’s been called.
Game for men CAN be beneficial to both men and women, because it allows men who would normally be stolidly beta in their interactions with women to demonstrate behaviors that satisfy both women’s hypergamous and high-T (especially around ovulation) predilections. A former or recovered beta man can, due to game, attract a mate and keep her around despite her biological tendencies to get bored or to try to ‘trade up.’ I’ve seen this a lot, and understand clearly that it works. It would most properly be called ‘LTR game,’ by the likes of Athol Kay and other similar writers.
In your reply to Loser, you mentioned trying to get women to see the error of their ways in not going for Alpha men. I highly doubt that for most women, the logical forebrain is going to have much sway when it’s the ancient limbic system, the ‘gina tingle that really guides such behavior. I agree that it’s good to put responsibility where it belongs, with women’s choices, but I think you also mustn’t completely ignore the male’s role in this–by acting like an omega or beta schlub, he’s not doing himself any favors.
Here I think the work of David Deida is very valuable. I recommend “Way of the Superior Man” as an excellent synthesis of both alpha and beta behaviors, showing how men can be both heart-centered spiritual and sensitive men, while demonstrating the high-T alpha dominance that generates the wet spot.
Keep up the great work.
(r)Evolutionary, thanks so much for commenting. It’s interesting, I wrote the comment above last October, just after I’d written a negative post about players and wound up tussling with a lot of Game bloggers. Eventually, I read The Game and MM and jumped on board, for all the reasons you describe. By late January, I had done a 180 and wrote this post:
http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2010/01/27/hookinguprealities/hate-the-player-but-dont-blame-game/
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As for women exercising rational judgment when it comes to picking men, I’d have to agree that the current SMP has many women abandoning all reason. I do think that the hindbrain vs. cerebral cortex battle is influenced by more than the limbic system – personality traits, including a propensity for risk-seeking/dopamine-producing behavior play a significant role. Also, most women are aware of all the roadkill – lots of friends getting pumped and dumped. This is a disincentive for some women.
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Thanks for the book rec. I’ve heard of David Deida before, but have never read him, so I look forward to checking him out. And thanks too for your kind words of support.