Sex is Strategic. So Should You Be.

November 14, 2008

“Here’s what he wants:  to have sex with you. 

Here’s what you want:  to be courted, adored, wooed, admired, listened to, understood, wooed some more, forgiven for your foibles, your little peccadilloes, chased, called, pleaded with, cared for, kissed, loved and to have great sex. 

You see the problem here?  We want more stuff than they want.” 

Jamie Callan   

Hooking Up or Holding Out:  The Smart Girl’s Guide to Driving Men Crazy and/or Finding True Love


Today’s hookup culture is the product of a variety of “market forces” that have created a relationship between the supply and demand for sex that provides few benefits for women.  There is a power imbalance because men want a ton of casual sex, and women are supplying a ton of casual sex.  But women aren’t getting what they want in return.  Women want relationships, and men are withholding relationships.  So why are women acting against their own interests?

Mating, romance, love and sex are all inherently strategic.  Humans have always developed strategies to achieve success in mating.  Men and women prefer different sexual strategies by nature, but both will employ the full range of strategies when market conditions demand it.  Today women are helping to execute the strategy that is preferred by men.  They don’t like it much, but, in effect, market conditions demand it.

In thinking about how girls can approach the dilemma to shift things a bit, I found myself thinking as a professional strategy consultant.  Could the strategic planning process used to solve business problems be applied here to the hooking up scene?   As a tool, it enables us to systematically evaluate the dating marketplace and craft strategies to help you succeed.  When we’re through you will understand what you’re up against and how to maximize your chances of success.

Working with large organizations to formulate a strategic plan includes several important steps:

I.  Understanding the Environment

  • What does the environment look like?

Perform a marketplace assessment.

  • Where are the challenges and opportunities? 

Describe the problems and/or opportunities confronting the organization.

  • What do you want?

Identify the strategic objective.

II.  Formulating a Strategy to Solve the Problem

  • What is your product?

Design the product offering.

  • Who’s the end user of your product?

Specify your target market.

  • Who are your competitors?

Understand the strengths and weaknesses of the competition.

III.  Executing Your Strategy to Achieve Your Objective

  • Create demand.

Educate the consumer.

  • Sell the product.

Establish targets and craft the approach.

  • Advertise and demonstrate product advantages.

Communicate unique benefits and package the product for maximum sales appeal.

  • Distribute your product.

Make the product available.

IV.  Sustaining Success

  • Ensure client satisfaction.

Provide follow-up customer service.

  • Respond to changes in market conditions.

Incorporate market feedback.


We’re going to journey through the strategic planning cycle together.  Piece by piece, we will systematically figure out the challenges you face in the hookup culture.  Then we’ll create a winning strategy to overcome those obstacles so that you can get the relationship you want. Most importantly, I’ll show you how to execute that strategy.  You will feel inspired and empowered once you have been furnished with the tools to change your life!  So stay tuned; the next post in this series will take a closer look at how we got into this mess.  You’ll learn some interesting things about DNA, the 1960s, the media, demographics, and technology as they apply to relationships.