Posted by Susan Walsh on Nov 18, 2008 in
Ask Susan,
Girl Talk,
Hooking Up Realities |
Girl 1: “I know it smells kind of cheap, but I like it because it’s the perfume I was wearing when I lost my virginity.”
Girl 2: “I thought you were wearing ‘Ralph’ when you lost it?”
Girl 1: “No, that was my other virginity.”
Today I’m introducing a new Q&A thread to the blog called Aunt Sue. That’s my nickname among the girls I chat with about this stuff, so it seems appropriate, (even though it’s kind of goofy). In Aunt Sue I’ll post real questions from readers and respond with honest, strategic advice, which you may ignore at your own peril, haha! I hope that you will also weigh in with comments and help each other out. Names will be changed, obvi. Shoot me a question from the About page or at susan@hookingupsmart.com.
Tracey: OK, Aunt Sue, you might disapprove but I hate it that I am a virgin. I’m in my sophomore year of college. I know most people who know me couldn’t care less, but when I go out and hang out with guys I feel totally self-conscious about it. I’m afraid that if I wait for a real relationship, I’ll graduate from college never having had sex! I’ve decided I want to lose it soon, I just have to figure out who to do it with. I mentioned it to one hot guy but he freaked out. I thought he would be thrilled to have an offer of sex, but he says it’s not worth it, I’ll just wind up creating all kinds of drama. If I have to do it with a random I will, but I’m afraid that would feel horrible after.
Tracey, I hear what you’re saying, I really do. It would be great if every girl could lose her virginity with a boy she is in love with, and who loves her back. He would be cute and sweet, and pretty innocent too (though not so innocent that he doesn’t know where her clit is). But in the hooking up culture those guys are in short supply, as you know.
My own first time wasn’t so hot, by the way. I was a sophomore in college and dating a frat meathead. I wasn’t in love with him, but he was a good guy, so…why not. Well, he didn’t have the first clue and the first two tries were no go. I was dry as the Sahara and his response was to jab and poke more and more forcefully. Ow. No way he was getting in there. The next time we went out I decided to be prepared, so I slathered myself before I left with Vaseline, the only lube I had quick access to at the time. Ew. Well, that did the trick, but I’ve always wondered if he associates his first time with the smell of petroleum. Like, is he wistful about filling the car with gas? But I digress.
As far as I can tell you have four options.
Your choices are:
Wait for Mr. Right.
Find a random hookup and do it.
Ask someone you are crushing on to do the honors.
Ask a good guy friend to whom you are not attracted.
Wait for Mr. Right
Of course, this is what I wish for you. But I think we can rule it out right away, because this is what you’ve been doing so far and you’re going crazy. It sounds like you have firmly decided to take action. The benefit of waiting is that it will be very meaningful. The downside is that your vagina might shrivel up and get dusty in the meantime.
Find a Random Hookup and Do It
This approach has the benefit of requiring little preparation. I’m sure you could be a sexually experienced woman before Thanksgiving break. You’re also bound to learn a thing or two, though there are no guarantees that he’ll be any good in the sack. In fact, if you are both drunk, the sex is likely to totally suck. This approach also carries some definite risks. The awkwardness factor afterward will be huge if you’ve gone all the way. Also, the insidious double standard still reigns. Expect him to regale anyone who will listen with tales of his conquest; he’s bound to claim that you writhed in ecstasy and begged for more. He’ll say he made you go totally crazy. This can affect your reputation, and you might experience a sudden surge in interest from boys who would love to be next in line.
Ask Someone You are Crushing On to Do the Honors
Sounds like you’ve already tried this approach, so you already know the problem with it. If you have sex with a boy you like, and he goes for the sex, but does not like you back, you will be hurt. If you think having sex with you will make him like you back, think again. That NEVER works. He’ll disappear, and then you’ll feel insulted that he won’t even booty call you for a second round.
Ask a Good Guy Friend to Whom You Are Not Attracted
All things considered, this is my preferred option. Essentially, you are approaching a friend for a favor with no strings attached. One and you’re done. Most guy friends would be flattered and delighted with such a request, so the risk of rejection is low. Because he cares for you as a friend, he’s unlikely to act like a jerk afterwards. And the act itself might be ok, even pleasant. Of course, if you look at a guy friend and cannot even stand the thought of his penis, he is not the guy. And you should NEVER go for this option with a guy friend who you know or suspect has feelings for you. That is so not fair, to use him like that when he might be invested. And you know that, cus that’s what girls get all the time and they hate it!
One final word: safety. Use a condom, and don’t go with some sketchball you don’t know.
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Related posts:
- Why Doesn’t He Call?
- The Man Code Sucks!
- Should I Have Sex With My Ex?
- The Girls’ Kickass Guide to Getting Over a Breakup
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Your blog is great! We’ve been reading through your posts and they’re really insightful. We’ll definitely be keeping up with it, and a shout out to our blog would be great! We’ve been thinking a lot about technology lately. How do you think things like text messaging or Facebook have changed dating/hook up culture? They’ve become so pervasive and such a huge part of our lives that some type of impact seems unavoidable. Anyway, we’ll be reading!
I have to disagree with your advice here. There’s nothing wrong with waiting. It’s laughable that you say, if you wait, “The downside is that your vagina might shrivel up and get dusty in the meantime.” I’ve NEVER EVER heard of anyone dying from staying a virgin OR practicing abstinence. BUT, I have heard of women committing suicide, going crazy, coming down in pieces, and dying from giving their body away so freely. Love your bodies, your body is a temple. I am convinced that every time a woman sleeps with someone in an unmeaningful way, she is tearing and giving away pieces of her heart. It’s stupid to give your body to a friend just because you want to get rid of “it.” Virginity is nothing to be ashamed of, it’s actually something to be proud of. Proof of your strong mind, that you’ve overcome pressure from peers and a sex-crazed culture. And by the way, this is a blog. Please don’t take the blogger’s articles as gospel, take it for what you can: with a grain of salt.
Susan–great blog! Thought I’d shoot you in the direction of the site we talked about the other night over xmas cosmos called “Can I Kiss You?” The guy’s name is Mike Domitrz and his site’s easy enough to remember (www.canikissyou.com) Good luck with the book!!
Clare
Thanks, Clare, glad you could visit! I’ll check out Can I Kiss You? right away, sounds like an interesting concept. Happy New Year!
I just happened upon your site after reading a news article that mentioned one of your articles. It’s interesting to read the woman’s perspective on these topics. I feel like this must be like reading Redbook or Vogue?
Anyhow, from the man’s perspective, I think you’ve given some great advice. I don’t know about having a good friend take your virginity…that might end up awkward. I remember my first time, and the second and third. Uncomfortable, awkward, and short. It would be a shame to wait until you find the “right” guy, because I think by then you’d probably like to at least feel like you know what you’re doing. It would also be a shame to hook up with a bunch of randoms and wind up catching something from all of the dirtballs out there. I would still go the random route though. Pick some innocent looking guy (not too innocent) at the bar and take him to your place. Do it, and don’t expect to hear from him again. That’s the way you’ll want it. Trust me.
I have done all of those examples. i didnt lose my virginity all of those times but still… I wish i could say my first time was magical, that it was with someone i truelly loves, or maybe even liked. but no. a boy got me drunk and stuck it in. romantic right? i was wanting to lose it so i didnt care at the time but looking back i gave him something that i can never get back ( my viginity ) and i didnt even know his last name. Random hook up's are deffinatly NOT the way to go.
I would suggest hooking up with a friend just to hook up either. you WILL develope feelings. females have emotions. sex causes your emotions to go crazzzzy. He could have been your best friend for years, but after sex (oral or whatever) one of you, but prob you will develope feelings. and it will SUCK because you will always wonder what his intentions are when he conforts you cuz of a fight with another boy or just another friend. when he huggs you you're gonna wonder what he;s thinking. and then when he doesnt wanna do it again, you will be dissapointed.
I am 19 and have to count the number of sexual partners i have had on two hands.
i have just plain hookup buddies to “dating” to being black out drunk and hooking up with a random from the bar. I just recently looked back and realized “wow, i'm a slut” i would give anything to go back and not have given my virginity away on a drunken whim. No body should feel ashamed of their virginity.
I love all of your post and wish i would have discovered you two years ago.
Hi siidnee, thank so much! I appreciate your leaving a comment. I am so glad you're reading posts here. There are lots of regular readers who comment, so keep up with new posts and feel free to chime in anytime.
You are 19, and you worry that you've had too much sexual experience, because you haven't been with someone you truly love. The good news is that you have figured out already how badly this can feel. Many women do not stop making choices that hurt until they are beyond their 30s.
I agree that virginity is nothing to be ashamed of, but there is a lot of pressure in modern culture to lose it. Girls start freaking out if they get to be a certain age (usually around your age) if they haven't given it up yet. It's quite a burden, but in truth it is no one's business but your own.
You have learned some important lessons. I hope that in future you'll have the strength to refuse sex when you believe it's not good for you. I'll be here, so keep checking back and I'll try to support you!
Susan, doing it with a trusted male friend is THE WORST choice of all!!!
It WILL ruin a perfectly good friendship.
Just, NO!
And… no young woman’s vagina becomes dusty and shrivels up. She’s only 19 or 20 for goodness sake!
Personally, I don’t see what all the craze is for sex. For most women, masterbation feels better than what guys can deliver anyway…………………….
The only reason she feels anxious is because she thinks “everybody else is doing it”.