Why Doesn’t He Call?
“Mr. Right’s coming, but he’s in Africa, and he’s walking.”
Oprah Winfrey
Aunt Sue,
Ugggghhhhh, I don’t get it! I am so frustrated. I thought for sure this boy was different. I mean, I’ve been through this a million times. I figured out a long time ago that guys will hardly ever call after a random hookup, and if they do you know it’s a booty call. Fine. But is there one single guy who is not 100% immune to me? I’ve been trying to follow your advice this semester, and it’s been good in the sense that guys seem to have figured out that I’m not gonna hook up at closing time.
Lately I’ve been hanging out with this guy, taking it really slow. I told him I didn’t want to rush the sex, and he said that was cool. For about three weeks we were talking, texting, hanging out, etc. We’ve even met for lunch and studied together. I was really starting to like him a lot. Last weekend we finally hooked up and it was really good between us. We didn’t have sex, but it was pretty intense emotionally. I could tell he was really into it. I figured I would talk to him really soon after that, ’cause we usually talk every day. When he didn’t call for a couple of days I called him, and he was nice but things felt really weird and off. Now it’s been over a week, and he’s clearly done. He won’t even make eye contact. Why? Why? Why?
Annabel
Annabel, I understand why you are frustrated; you feel like you have done everything right, and things still didn’t work out. “Why doesn’t he call?” are probably the four words women dread uttering most (followed closely by “We need to talk.”) I would say this is probably the most common complaint of young women. Things seem to be going really well, and then the guy disappears. Self-help books have been written about this one question. There are lots of reasons a boy may stop calling, but it’s tricky to generalize.
Here are the most common interpretations girls make when a boy is MIA:
He’s Just Not That Into You
Yeah, I guess it’s true that if he were obsessed he’d call. But I don’t think not calling means that he doesn’t like you or feel attracted to you. Often the best lasting relationships evolve slowly, not necessarily moving forward in a straight path. Maybe he will be in touch again after a little while, maybe not. If a boy has second thoughts about committing and then goes for it, that’s a happy ending.
By the way, I have trouble with this explanation (and book) in general. I find it really depressing. It’s in the FIDO genre of self-help (F**k It Drive On). Sometimes it pays to hang in there for a while. Every young woman I know who’s read this book feels very discouraged afterwards. Who needs to read a self-hurt book?
You’re Not Relationship Material
So often girls blame themselves when the guy loses interest. They feel like they’ve been told they’re not good enough, not hot enough, whatever, for the guy to become exclusive. But in the hookup culture, it is often precisely those girls who are relationship material who get screwed over. Guys want to hook up. When a guy is monogamous, he is giving up something he wants. When a guy is single and hooking up with a variety of girls, he usually doesn’t get to know any of them particularly well. The intimacy is strictly physical.
In your case, you delayed the physical intimacy, and established a friendship first. The two of you got to know each other, resulting in an emotional connection. You enjoyed spending time together. When you did get physically intimate, you saw it as a natural progression from the feelings you were having for this boy, and by your own account it went really well for both of you. But as you were feeling great about being on the path to a relationship, he was freaking out – “Like, whoa, man, this is way too intense!” Scary stuff. So he balked.
What is especially disappointing in this case is that even though you had become friends and spent a lot of time together, he was unable to tell you what was really going on with him. Unfortunately, that is also common. Even nice guys just don’t know how to talk to girls about emotional stuff. Most of them will get there eventually, but he just isn’t on your emotional wavelength yet.
He’s a Total Player Douche Bag
You feel like you’ve been messed with. He hung out with you till he got what he wanted, then he took off. You feel used. He wasn’t even honest about it. He made you look like a fool. He is probably getting props from his friends right now for dumping you. When you see him around, he ignores you, he acts like you’ve got the plague.
All of this might be true. Or none of it might be. He might be a nice guy who handled this really poorly. He might be confused. He might be taking crap from his friends about being whipped.
Guys are good at pretending to be invested in the short-term to get sex, but if you spent a fair amount of time with this boy, and you were emotionally and sexually compatible, then I don’t think you should assume you used poor judgment, or were wrong about him. The fact that he was cool with taking it slowly from the beginning weighs in his favor. He might just not be ready. Or maybe he realized he wasn’t going to fall in love with you. It happens.
So what should you do now?
- Be fabulous. Fake it if you have to, but you will feel better about yourself if you exude confidence whenever you are around him.
- Don’t engage in drama. Let it go. Creating a scene makes you look like a psycho and convinces him he made the right call.
- Don’t write him off. Chill out, and keep an open mind. I’ve seen boys in this sitch come around, though you shouldn’t wait for or expect that. He’s probably too much of an idiot. Of course, the chances are good that if he does see the light you will have moved on. But at the very least, in time he may be able to apologize and approach you as a friend again.
- Don’t go back to behaviors that made you unhappy. This is not the time to start having sex with his frat brothers. Stay true to yourself and what you want.
- Get back out there so that you are ready and open for the right guy when he shows up. Soon there will be a boy who is really glad you aren’t taken. Continue to take it slow, maintain your independence and learn.
This is all part of living – it will shape your own future expectations and experiences, and will help you learn what you want (and don’t want) from a relationship. In the meantime, remember two things that are always true in life:
- Everything changes.
- You will be surprised.
MWAH,
Aunt Sue
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This just helped me SOOO much! I am currently going through he same exact situation. maybe a little different. My only question that went unanswered is Do i not contact him? Play hard to get? Just let it be?
Casey,
It’s hard to say without knowing your specifics, but in general, I do believe in letting the guy do the pursuing. He will be in touch when he wants to be. I wouldn’t play hard to get, exactly. Just be confident, strong and independent in your life, and let him see that. When you run into him or interact with him you can be open and friendly. Make it clear that you won’t call him out if he wants to get in touch. If he is gone for good, you will feel thankful that you didn’t chase him down.
Good luck, fingers crossed.
I'm going through the same thing as well, I thought he was great guy who I could see myself being with – things started fast and moved fast from the beginning. I had a crush on him years ago but never persued it because I found out he was two years younger than me. (I was 19 at the time and he was 17, I'm almost 24 now and he's 22)
On a random Saturday night we reunited after four years through a mutual friend, he brought up what happened long ago, and we instantly had this spark and ended up seeing each other for the next month. That was the problem, we only “saw each other” for a month, we hung out all the time, he would call and text me all the time. He held my hand, called me “baby” and actually liked cuddling. I felt like I was really falling for him, it seems like it happened so fast. But he never wanted to make it official. I brought up what we were with him a few times but he could never give me a straight answer, I wanted to know because I was going to be moving at the end of the month.
Three weeks into it, we had sex. I wanted to hold off as long as possible because I wanted to see what his real intentions were, it was great, but I couldn't help but half regret that I did it. Things just got weird afterwards. A week after that, he started grad school and his texts/calls went from everyday to every other day and his replies weren't so quick. That was two weeks ago, I've moved to a city about two hours away and I haven't talked to him in over a week. Last time I called him I told him I was going to be coming home to visit and told him I wanted to meet up and hang out. He told me he was out of town for the entire weekend and basically told me to call him when I was going to be coming back again, but to give him notice ahead of time.
This whole thing has been so hard for me to deal with, I put my feelings out there and I feel so used by him, the worst part of it all is that I could never see him doing that. Things were so good until we had sex and now I'm still hurting over it. I want to call him but I know at the same time he doesn't want to continue it. What do I do??
Hi LeslieL, nice to meet you. Thanks for trusting me with your question. OK, I have a few thoughts.
1. It is MAJOR that when you and he started something you both knew that you were moving away in a month. I've actually discussed this with guys — they view that as an expiration date. They figure, why should I make a commitment to someone who is leaving very soon? This happens a lot over the summer, when kids are home from college. A summer romance starts, the girl is all about it, figures, let's be together as much as possible, and the guy is wary because of the expiration date.
2. It is also very significant that he started grad school. Aside from the enormous stress, wanting to get off to a good start, make a good impression, etc., it is possible that he is looking forward to meeting new people. He may be hedging his bets.
3. Although it is clear he has pulled away, I'm not so sure that things got weird because of the sex. 1. and 2. may have a lot to do with it. By asking you to make plans ahead of time, he is signaling that you and he are not in a relationship, and that you cannot make any assumptions.
I am so sorry you got hurt. It is possible that he used you, but it is also very possible that his feelings were/are real, and that your relationship was sabotaged by bad timing. Most guys will not happily conduct a long-distance relationship. It's all the work without the frequent company/sex.
Since in the past you have felt comfortable enough to bring up your relationship with him, you could certainly call him and ask for an honest and friendly talk. You could also express your willingness to be “just friends” for now (if you're willing) or to just play it by ear for a while.
Once you've had that talk, I would definitely lay off contacting him in any way. It sounds like you are pursuing him, and it's not working. He knows how to reach you if he is thinking about you or missing you. You can not make things better at this point by being the one to initiate contact.
I hope this helps – women find themselves in this situation often, and it sucks. Please let me know how things go.
Hi LeslieL, nice to meet you. Thanks for trusting me with your question. OK, I have a few thoughts.
1. It is MAJOR that when you and he started something you both knew that you were moving away in a month. I've actually discussed this with guys — they view that as an expiration date. They figure, why should I make a commitment to someone who is leaving very soon? This happens a lot over the summer, when kids are home from college. A summer romance starts, the girl is all about it, figures, let's be together as much as possible, and the guy is wary because of the expiration date.
2. It is also very significant that he started grad school. Aside from the enormous stress, wanting to get off to a good start, make a good impression, etc., it is possible that he is looking forward to meeting new people. He may be hedging his bets.
3. Although it is clear he has pulled away, I'm not so sure that things got weird because of the sex. 1. and 2. may have a lot to do with it. By asking you to make plans ahead of time, he is signaling that you and he are not in a relationship, and that you cannot make any assumptions.
I am so sorry you got hurt. It is possible that he used you, but it is also very possible that his feelings were/are real, and that your relationship was sabotaged by bad timing. Most guys will not happily conduct a long-distance relationship. It's all the work without the frequent company/sex.
Since in the past you have felt comfortable enough to bring up your relationship with him, you could certainly call him and ask for an honest and friendly talk. You could also express your willingness to be “just friends” for now (if you're willing) or to just play it by ear for a while.
Once you've had that talk, I would definitely lay off contacting him in any way. It sounds like you are pursuing him, and it's not working. He knows how to reach you if he is thinking about you or missing you. You can not make things better at this point by being the one to initiate contact.
I hope this helps – women find themselves in this situation often, and it sucks. Please let me know how things go.
Hey, all your articles are so helpful…and SOSO true! This semester, I hooked up with a guy a couple of weekends and then he just ended it. Basically, I knew all along he wanted sex, but I kept rejecting him, and he kept pursuing me, so I thought that he was fine with waiting. The last night we hooked up, though, was the last weekend of the semester, and he really thought he was gonna get sex, but we weren't in a relationship and I wasn't ready. Since I met him, he made me feel special and would compliment me and it seemed like he really liked me. I learned that it was all a lie and he was playing me to get one thing out of me, because when he didn't get sex he practically kicked me out the next morning and the next day when I saw him he ignored me and pretended he didn't see me. I got mad, saw him, and then turned around and called him out. It made me feel better because it validated that he was only lying to me all along for sex, but in the end, he probably thought I was psychotic or something, when in reality, I feel like I was being honest and staying strong because I had the courage to go up to him. I had how I was probably viewed as the crazy girl, and he had the power all along. I ended up getting hurt because I got emotionally attached and he obviously was only physically attached. It sucks.
Collegegirl1, nice to meet you, I'm really glad you took the time to comment. About that guy: WHAT A DOUCHEBAG! The absolute worst is when a guy pretends to be nice, respectful and caring, only to get the touchdown. Then it's Game Over. Ugh. However, I've gotta say, you did everything right here. You didn't have sex before you were ready. He didn't get what he wanted. So you can feel good about respecting yourself. Also, I love, love, love it that you called him out. Brave girl!
Re the psycho label, guys use it all the time when girls tell the truth. They behave very badly, then say a girl is crazy because she refuses to put up with it. It's understandable that you were angry, and there was nothing crazy about your behavior.
I am really sorry you got hurt. When you're in college, one thing you can do is be aware of someone's reputation before you get close to them. So no matter how sweet a guy is acting, if he has left a trail of broken hearts, steer clear. Look for some signs of vulnerability – a guy who acts 100% confident all the time? That's a red flag.
Re power, that is a tough one. I would say that ultimately, you had the last word. There is power in that. He didn't get to add you to his number.
I would have to say I agree with the confidence thing. He did act confident all the time..and had an attitude that he could get whatever he wanted. There were signs there but I ignored him because when he would act all nice, I believed it, because I am a good person and want to believe the best in people. A lot of the times I am too trustworthy. He kept texting me and iming me so I was flattered that he was interested. He said he really liked me and wanted to get to know me and wasn't like “all those other guys who use girls for sex.” He said this TWO days before doing this..so yeah you can imagine how upset I was. Problem was, he is in a fraternity and all his brothers were saying how he was such a good guy and really liked me so they were basically setting us up. They probably just wanted him to get laid. He didn't hang out with friends who were girls whenever I was with him..whenever we were together he only focused on me and didn't even check out other girls. This guy was a really great learning experience, and I had fun at the time, but in the end…yes total and complete douchebag.
Hmmm, why am I not surprised to hear he's in a frat? They're not all bad (my son was in one and he's a good guy), but a lot of guys join frats just to get access to girls/sex. And all his bros chiming in about how great the two of you were together – I've seen it happen many times.
It sounds like you learned a lot here – I don't think you'll be having this experience again. I'm glad you found out before you'd gotten even more invested, e.g. after sex.