Demanding More From Your Hookups

December 29, 2008




“Self-respect is the fruit of discipline; the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.”

Abraham J. Heschel



Before you hook up with a guy, do you think about what things will feel like afterwards?

If you’re going for the random one-night stand, obviously your expectations are very low. A minimum of awkwardness in the morning would be great. Or maybe you’re just hoping he’s sober enough that the plumbing works. This random dude could be anyone, it doesn’t matter much how decent he is if you don’t intend to ever see him again. 

If you’re hooking up with a friend, you’re probably hoping for a fun, drama-free experience that you’ll both be cool with afterwards. Both of these examples require little emotional investment on your part, and therefore little risk of your being disappointed or hurt. You may feel some regret the next day, or briefly indulge in wishing that he’d call, but we’re not in heartbreak territory here.

But what about when you’re hoping for a relationship? Either with a particular guy or just in general? Then you can’t afford to just hook up all over the place and hope for the best. Very few hookups develop into relationships (just 12%), so if a relationship is what you’re after, you need to be selective in whom you hook up with.

Unfortunately, it’s very common for girls to feel so eager for a relationship, and so discouraged about the prospects of finding a good one, that they wind up dating someone who is unworthy of them. The boy may have agreed to date them exclusively, but he treats them poorly. He’s willing to succumb to declaring himself in a relationship for some reason (usually sex), but he’s not very invested and doesn’t go out of his way much to make his girlfriend happy. The girl winds up feeling torn: she may have achieved relationship status, but now she’s stuck with a boy who is anything but in love.

What should we expect in return for sex? As women, there are things we want, need and deserve from men. The guy who provides these things for us will reap the benefits of our love, loyalty, respect and some really hot sex. 

Here are the things I believe girls want and deserve from boys:

• Honesty: Don’t lie to me.

o DO NOT say I’ll call you if you don’t mean it.
o DO NOT say you really like me if you don’t.
o DO NOT say you like me if you plan to hook up with someone else soon.

• Sincerity: Don’t play me.

o Do what you say you are going to do. Prove to me that you are trustworthy.
o Don’t act attracted to me if you’re not. I don’t want to be appreciated through your beer goggles.
o If you’re not looking for a girlfriend, fine. Make it clear, and don’t pretend you are.
o Don’t act all sweet and romantic if you don’t mean it, because I am tired of figuring out next week that you’re really a jerk.
o Don’t text “watcha doin?” in the middle of the night and expect me to hike over for sex.

• Friendship: Get to know me.

o Let’s find out if we share interests, opinions, or the same sense of humor.
o Let me get to know you. I can’t enjoy sex with you if I don’t know you.
o Spend some time with me that doesn’t include sex.
o Make an effort to get to know the people I care about.

• Romance: Make me feel special.

o I do not feel special if I am a random hookup.
o Notice me. See me, not just my body. Appreciate my brain.
o Spend some alone with me before midnight sometimes.
o Take it slow. Don’t jump all over me. Sometimes kissing is enough. You are not “entitled” to an orgasm.
o Don’t get wasted when you’re with me.

These should be your requirements for being willing to hook up with a guy you hope to date.

The boy who fulfills these requirements is a Quality Boy.

Remember, a Quality Boy does the following:

  • He respects your feelings, your body and your time.
  • He is earnest and trustworthy. That means he does what he says he is going to do.
  • He is mature, meaning he is emotionally available and demonstrative.


He may or may not be right for you. You will determine over a period of time whether you are compatible. But this is the minimum you should expect. The boy who doesn’t offer these gestures of respect views you as a commodity that can be used up and discarded. Do not allow yourself to be treated in this manner. That might sound harsh. You may be saying that you know very few girls who are getting this much from guys they hook up with, or even date. But this is where you have to start.

If you respect yourself and insist on being treated with respect, boys will respect you. That may mean that your hookup supply dries up for a while. Boys looking for nothing but sex may ignore you. That’s a good thing. The Player has no interest in treating you with respect. He is unworthy. He is a waste of time. Hold out for a Quality Boy who has relationship potential. In the meantime, you will enjoy that greater sense of dignity that comes from treating yourself with the respect you deserve.