How to Figure Out if He Has Relationship Potential

January 3, 2009


“I love romance. I’m a sucker for it. I love it so much. It’s pathetic.”

Drew Barrymore

If you have had enough of hooking up with either randoms or friends, and you feel ready for a relationship, it’s important that you not waste your time and energy on boys who don’t have any relationship potential. You need to learn to figure out which boys are promising, and which ones are hopeless. It can be difficult to identify a Quality Boy, especially if you are just getting to know him.

Lots of guys act nice at first, so how are you supposed to figure out which boys are true relationship material and which ones are just trying to get some ass? Often girls aren’t able to discern between the two until they’ve been treated poorly – then it becomes obvious he was in it for the sex. Because that happens so frequently to in the hookup culture, girls need to develop better tools for judging a boy’s readiness up front.

For our purposes, the target market for relationships consists of guys aged 18-26 or so:

  • This boy is immersed in the practices of the hookup culture, and thinks about sex pretty much constantly.
  • Scoring with a woman confirms both his desirability and his virility. He may worry that he must have sex with multiple girls to prove his masculinity.
  • He is under considerable peer pressure to be very casual about sex, and may be afraid that wanting a girlfriend will make him seem weak or even effeminate with his friends. Being “whipped” labels him a total loser.
  • The worst fate he can imagine is not being able to “get any,” and he imagines that everyone else is more successful than he is. In a recent study, college guys were asked what percentage of guys on their campus had had sex over the weekend. The average answer was 80%, but the actual percentage was 5-10%.

Obviously, guys are paranoid about being the only one not getting enough sex. This may imply that guys are entirely to blame for the lack of relationships available to girls. They are not. There are some boys who would prefer a different scenario, but are trapped within the expectations of the hookup culture.

Boys have always struggled to understand the emotional lives of girls, and now that relationships are out of fashion they’re not getting any practice. Most boys know very little about what girls want and need. And as long as we try to act just like them, they will remain clueless. They will keep trying to give us what they want: great sex with no messy emotions.

Girls are not wholly without responsibility, often sending mixed signals:

  • wanting the freedom to have sex without commitment
  • wanting sex to lead to commitment

It’s no wonder that boys are often confused about what girls want from them. The silver lining for girls in all this miscommunication is that some boys grow dissatisfied and begin to suffer from hookup fatigue. They crave some kind of emotional connection, even if they are not looking for a serious relationship. They are tired of getting really wasted to numb the risk of being rejected by a girl or, conversely, feeling close to her. This represents a key opportunity for you!

Traditionally, men have enjoyed the role of pursuer. They prove their masculinity by demonstrating their ability to take a girl off the market at the expense of other men. Most men can get a more desirable mate if they are willing to commit. That’s because women want a commitment, and the most desirable women are in the strongest position to get what they want. If women raise their standards, and insist on a commitment as a prerequisite for sex, then men will comply. They really don’t want it to be this easy! They know deep down that great sex can only come from a slow win.

You may be tempted initially to consider all of the boys you find attractive. Wrong! Many of the guys you find attractive are unworthy. You deserve a Quality Boy. A Quality Boy is determined by his actions or behavior, not by his intentions. Many boys are “good kids.” They have good hearts. They don’t mean to be cruel. They’re just idiots about girls. You must learn to judge boys at face value, because you don’t want to waste precious time and energy on the hopeless cases.

What you need to do, then, is identify boys with potential. And you need to formulate a strategy for cultivating them so that you can finally have what you want. You may be lucky enough to meet a boy who is ready. But it’s very likely that you’re going to need to provide training wheels. As you look at the boys around you, keep an open mind. You may be missing some of the best boys. Boys who don’t “spit game” are not as successful at hooking up, which means they are more likely to be willing to consider a relationship. Lots of Quality Boys are reserved, shy or are not practiced flirts. Resist the temptation to think of every potential hookup as relationship material. Shop around.

Remember the identifying characteristics of a Quality Boy’s behavior:

Honesty: Don’t lie to me.

• Sincerity: Don’t play me.

• Friendship: Get to know me.

• Romance: Make me feel special.

Do not compromise! A boy must be worthy to deserve your interest. Maintaining high standards serves to weed out the unworthy boys. If his behavior is unworthy, he is not the boy for you right now. Do not sell yourself short.

  • bitter beta!

    much of what you said is close enough to be helpful but what you indicate below as an important measure for men, is an important measure for women.
    Remember the identifying characteristics of a Quality Boy’s behavior:

    Honesty: Don’t lie to me.
    • Sincerity: Don’t play me.
    • Friendship: Get to know me.
    • Romance: Make me feel special.

    I believe that women are so busy getting the upper hand, and restricting access to sex… or not restricting sex, they forget that they also need to be honest, sincere, friendly, and willing to make him feel special.  When women act like the man needs to pass an arbitrary test, that is a universally accepted sign of bitchiness.  Despite what you are suggesting almost all men are born craving real relationships with women.  It’s through game playing that women embitter men, which leads to game.

    • @bitter beta
      Yes, you are right. In truth, I wrote these very early posts two years ago, before I even knew there was such a thing as Game or alphas, betas, etc. Please check out my more recent posts for a more evenhanded take on the SMP.

  • bitter beta!

    I’ve been reading your posts pretty consistently over the last several months this is just the first i’ve decided to post anything.  I have been reading reading everything in the manosphere, and I would say that i’ve transitioned from Alpha, which was unsatisfying, back to beta MGTOW. I generally find your attempts to reign in the wantonness admirable.
    It seems like most of what you suggest seems to go back to uniform sexual access reduction.  But I honestly don’t think that “access,” is the real problem.  For Nearly all of the men I know and have met.  For all of there adolescence and through young adulthood, college age.  Almost every one of these men wants a real genuine relationship.  This is what makes them Beta to begin with.
    Beta’s get to know women, respect women, try to please women, genuinely want these good normal women in their lives.  But they all get rejected because they’re not Alpha for all manner of reasons.  What’s worse is they are frequently humiliated, led on, and teased.  Most guys have to go through years of this before they get bitter.  Unfortunately, by the time they get through college, it’s too late.
    I have known many amazing, sweet, caring, generous, smart, funny, charming, sexy, and feminine women.  Unfortunately, Today, finding any of these qualities in women is nearly impossible, it is so rare in-fact, it sticks out like a sore thumb.  Women are no longer interested in cultivating any of these qualities.
    The attempt by women to assert greater control and influence in the dating realms has led to their cultivation of haughtiness, deceit, and general bitchiness.  Generally instead of offering good qualities that any man would naturally want, they are too busy acting too good for you, or bored, that they overlook the simple truth that they need genuinely good qualities to have a real relationship.
    Placing the value on sex as opposed to real positive qualities and traits is the problem.  The problem isn’t that the sex is not costly enough, it’s that it’s on sale at all.  No human can have a relationship in a market sense.
    As long as women view sex as a commodity men will behave like it’s for sale.  If women act like sex is a commodity, she is saying to herself and to men that the only thing about her of any value or worth, is sex.  As long as women think sex is a commodity, they will never be able see themselves as whole and complete human beings that men would want to be in relationship with.
    The worst thing we can do is commoditize sex.  That’s dehumanizing.  for men and for women. i don’t even know any men who would prefer meaningless sex, but you’ve ruined it all with your caustic attitude and haughty sense of entitlement.
    If you tell woman, you deserve it, and she clearly doesn’t, she will use her sex as a weapon. but a woman, like a man, with a little honesty and humility, will be able to cultivate real, genuine, character.

  • lasta

    I’ve been wondering about your fourth qualification:
    “Romance: Make me feel special.”

    It seems a bit needy and lacks confidence… like you need him to make you feel special. Perhaps I’m being too picky, but wouldn’t “Romance: Remind me you know I’m special” be a little more appropriate?

  • Shterenberg

    these 4 qualities seem soo generalistic- the first 2 only work if you know how to catch a liar and if he is not well-versed in pick-up tactics, romance lands into pick up tactics to get sex i.e. not always sincere and friendship can also be insincere, is there any specific signs of a quality guy to watch out for?