10 Ways to Get Inside His Head
“Never frown, because you never know when someone is falling in love with your smile.”
Anonymous
Many women make the mistake of thinking that if a guy finds them attractive, they are on the path to a relationship. Even though they understand that the path may be full of twists and turns, still they believe that attracting the male is the first step. It is not the first step. Attracting the male is the first step to hooking up. When a man finds you attractive, he wants to touch what he sees. That’s it. If the attraction is mutual, you may go for the hookup. Afterwards, what you’ve got is a notch on your bedpost, a hookup with a cute guy. You do not have the beginnings of a relationship.
So what is the first step to a relationship? The first step is getting inside his head. He needs to think about you. He needs to wonder about you. He needs to be intrigued, and he needs to feel an impulse or urge to connect with you. That can happen with or without a hookup, before or after.
An interesting thing I have found in my research is that while most girls experience difficulty in getting guys to commit, there are some young women who complain that every guy they hook up with wants more from them. They are looking for casual hookups and don’t want a relationship. Naturally, that makes them irresistible bait. Of course it’s human nature to want what we can’t have easily. To paraphrase Woody Allen, we don’t want to belong to any club that will have us as a member.
If not wanting a relationship is the best way of being offered one, then what should you do if you want one? What can you do to be successful?
1. Be complete.
One of the worst movie lines ever is in Jerry Maguire, when Tom Cruise tells Renee Zellweger, “You complete me.” Ew. I remember cringing at that. You do not need a guy to be complete. In fact, a guy cannot complete you. You must live your life right now, today, without a relationship. Live it the best you can. Be thankful for what you have. It’s OK to want a special relationship, but you don’t need it to be happy. You really don’t. If you think you need it, you won’t find it.
2. Display enormous self-confidence.
Your mantra: “I am the desired object.” This is so important that if you don’t believe it, you need to fake it ’till you make it. No one can think you are fabulous unless you do. It always starts with you. When you know your own worth, it shows. And it sells. You know that you would be an awesome girlfriend. You know that you could make a guy really happy. Don’t ever forget that you are a catch! You are not right for every guy. Some guys won’t be interested. Your job is to be your best, most confident self to attract the guy who might be. If you don’t believe that you are pure fabulousness, you need to address that. Take action. What do you hate about yourself? Improve it. Talk to someone. Do something. Just getting moving will make you feel stronger and better.
3. Be classy.
A 2008 Cosmopolitan survey showed that 67% of guys are most turned on by “the girl next door” look. The “sex bomb” look only appealed to 12%. Understand that you are beautiful in your natural state. Stop trying so hard to get the guys all hot and bothered. The only thing you’ll get out of that is a booty call. If you are lucky enough to have a great body, resist the temptation to display all of it at the same time. Focus on one asset at a time. Use makeup to enhance your looks, not give you the appearance of a heroin addict. I’m not telling you to go ahead and wear sweats; just be more subtle in your presentation. Guys like wholesome.
4. Have the right kind of expectations.
Expecting a guy to become your boyfriend is not strategic. Expecting a guy to like you a certain amount, or display a certain kind of affection, is not effective. On the other hand, expecting a guy to do what he says he is going to do is good strategy. Expecting him to show you some respect; that’s good too. Guys don’t want you demanding love from them. But they will totally get it if you demand respect for your feelings, your body and your time.
5. If he hasn’t committed, you’re a free agent.
Guys are amazed when I tell them that back in the day, when we dated in the traditional sense, it was totally legit to go out with one guy on a Friday night and make out (or more), and then do the same thing with someone else on Saturday. We were dating; dating was shopping. And the guy might be shopping around too. Nowadays, guys want to hook up without commitment, but they think it’s really shady if a girl is hooking up with someone else the same weekend. You have every right to be choosy. So shop around, and don’t take yourself off the market until a boy that you really like asks you to be his girlfriend.
6. Create a little mystery.
I always advise women to hold back 10%. Never give a guy 100% of yourself (even when you’re married!). In every relationship, there is a pursuer and a distancer. Don’t be the pursuer. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Guys worry about the emotional neediness of women (with good reason, let’s face it). Fight that. Keep your feelings to yourself, or share them with your girls for now. Eagerness is repellent. Whininess is repulsive. He doesn’t want you to cling. He wants to pursue you. He wants to wonder what you think. So let him.
7. Slow down.
The best relationships happen between soulmates. You cannot become soulmates through sex. Through pillow talk, maybe, but not through sex. You stand a much better chance of becoming really close to a guy if you allow plenty of time and space for friendship. That means not having sex too soon. Sex can make friendship complicated. It’s much harder to go from sex to friendship, than from friendship to sex. Take time to get to know him. Make him spend time getting to know you. Guys appreciate a slow win.
8. Don’t overreact.
Don’t go all gloom and doom the minute he takes a step back. In Mars and Venus On a Date, John Gray talks about how guys are like rubber bands. They withdraw for a bit, and then they return. If he needs some distance, give it to him. When he comes back, welcome him. Chill out. If he doesn’t text you for three days, just live your life. If he thinks you’re going to give him a really hard time when he does get back in touch, then guess what? He won’t get back in touch. Guys hate drama. There are only so many long talks a guy is willing to have. So save your allotment of heart-to-hearts for the really important stuff.
9. Don’t waste time.
Cultivate a reputation for being a woman who doesn’t waste precious time on fools. You are too good to get hung up on a boy who doesn’t like you. Every tear you cry for a jerk takes up valuable psychic energy and sets you back. If you are feeling crappy about some guy, you are not open to a new guy. You may think you are, but your emotional funk will be telegraphed to those around you in subtle ways. If things don’t go your way, go ahead and feel sorry for yourself for a day or two. Eat junk food, get wasted with the girls, whatever. Then pick yourself up and live your life.
10. Cultivate a positive attitude in the meantime.
Here’s where I get all The Secret on you. You can be strong and independent, you can take no prisoners, you can even be a hardass without sending out negative vibes. You are open and friendly, you just aren’t cheap. You expect good things to happen to you. A bad attitude is self-fulfilling; if you believe that no one will want you, then no one will want you. I guarantee it. If you believe that you deserve to be loved and are willing to wait for that special guy, then you will find him. You won’t find him sitting in your room, though. The more interactions you have in your day, the greater your chances of encountering someone new. Go out. Psych yourself up as often as you need to, but keep on getting out there. Don’t give up. You can have what you want if you will believe in it.
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Very wonderful tips. I'll apply them, Many thanks to you.
I’m so glad you are finding Hooking Up Smart useful! Come back often, or you might consider subscribing via email or RSS.
I absolutely loved reading this. This is just what I have been looking to find for a year: good advice. Plain and simple. Thank you so much for sharing this!
Hey, letters2soulmate, happy to meet you! Love your blog too, btw. And it's always nice to meet up with a fellow Bostonian. Thanks for commenting, please come back soon!
I absolutely loved reading this. This is just what I have been looking to find for a year: good advice. Plain and simple. Thank you so much for sharing this!
Hey, letters2soulmate, happy to meet you! Love your blog too, btw. And it's always nice to meet up with a fellow Bostonian. Thanks for commenting, please come back soon!
I have been doing a lot of research lately because I want to overcome some of the cycles of my past relationships. I'm with a great guy now and I'm afraid of screwing it up by repeating the needy and clingy mistakes I've made before.
But I also want to be honest with him.
If I'm always to be confident, doesn't that mean I can't show him any of my vulnerabilities or insecurities?
Hi Foxy Science, welcome, and thanks for your question. You've touched on a really important point – how to balance confidence and vulnerability. I believe that the most confident people are not afraid to show vulnerability. Essentially, you are saying, “You have the power to hurt me, but I hope you won't. If you do, that will suck, but I will be OK and get past it.” It's hard, maybe impossible, to make a real emotional connection without vulnerability. If you know you have no power to hurt another person, it means they don't care. When we care for someone else, it means we want to be careful with their feelings. That degree of involvement and responsibility can be emotionally powerful!
Hmmm, re #2, I hear that, it makes sense. But do you want to see the vulnerability up front, or after a bit? Like she's tough to start, but then you get in there and work your magic and suddenly there's a glimmer of vulnerability? That's powerful.
VI, haha I just spent time on your blog where you proudly describe hearing a girl say she wants sex in a monogamous relationship, then you bang her without making a commitment. Fair enough, that's on her. But come on, that girl is crazy to be doing that, especially since you have a couple of booty calls going on the side at all times. That girl should say NO. And she should be prepared to walk. Because, as it stands right now, you are a terrible risk for a LTR.
2 & 5 are the only ones I don't agree with.
2 – Men are attracted to a certain level of vulnerability in a girl. It shouldn't be immediately obvious, but she needs to show me her weak side for me to even consider her for a LTR.
5 – Girls who date around are a huge turn off. Girls can date around as much as guys can, but it hits a primitive trigger in a man's mind that tells him that girl isn't LTR material. We can argue all day about double standards, but at the end of the day, men will still judge women by this.
My recent post Puja – Dana Pt. 2
Fair enough, but don't be too hard on her for game playing. Women understand sexual attraction, including their own, NOT AT ALL most of the time. We're striking out in all directions, trying to find a way to stay afloat. And you can bet she is getting absolutely terrible advice from her friends. If you give her some indication of your real feelings, my guess is that she will chill.
A girl definitely shouldn't be tough during our first meeting. That's a huge red flag that she's either too manly, or has been hurt too many times. She should be confident without being tough. Julia Roberts is a good example.
As for her vulnerability, you're right, it should come a bit later. But if it hasn't been revealed either before or immediately after I have sex with a girl, I assume she's not LTR material.
I actually like that girl a lot and would consider making her #1, but the fact that she plays games is a huge strike against her. In her case, she should have shown me her vulnerability earlier and let me know that she was enthusiastic about us.
My recent post Puja – Dana Pt. 2
I would suggest that 99% of modern women will have great trouble points 2, 5 and 7. I am not saying that this is bad advice, just a little context from a male perspective is required.
) signals of sexual interest. Otherwise I will assume that she has no sexual interest and is just stringing him along.
2. Most modern women are completely incapable of distinguishing confidence and b*tchiness. Nothing will make a worthwhile man turn off faster.
5. This point is completely wrong. If a woman I am dating goes out with another man I will assume she is not interested and its over. This isn’t the 50′s anymore and women who want worthwhile men must signal that they are loyal and that they value him more than the next guy BEFORE the man commits. I believe over 90% of men will feel this way. I also believe that this percentage will be heavily skewed towards the men you think are worth marrying.
7. Nearly every worthwhile man has been wasted months of his life chasing a woman who used his sexual interest to extract money and favours. Slow down is excellent advice however it must be accompanied with UNAMBIGUOUS (i.e. not female
dhurka: thankfully if all women decide to not play loyal to a man who is essentially playing the field until he decides when to settle or with who, a man will have no choice but to start considering women who still play the field while men do too…..your advice is why so many women become bitter and angry…forever waiting for a guy to come around until HE decides to cut the strings and repeating the cycle until she is worn down and accepts any permanent male interest or becomes so bitter that she prefers the company of cats. To you and men who seriously believe this is exactly how it SHOULD be and advice women to do so….. (explicative you!)
dhurka, thanks for leaving a comment. It sounds like you are not into playing any games whatsoever, and I give you a lot of credit for that. Re #5, this is a tough one, because men and women have different goals. Women want men to commit before sex, and men want sex before committing. I guess I feel that if a guy does not want to be exclusive, the woman should take him at his word and keep her options open. However, when a couple has just started dating and things are going well, I wouldn’t suggest rocking the boat by playing the field. I agree that the last thing a woman should do is make a man feel insecure when she is hoping for a relationship.
Re #7, I agree. Telegraph sexual attraction, but don’t have sex until you feel ready. I’ve come to learn through writing this blog, and reading many comments from guys, that sexual loyalty is CRUCIAL. So I hear you – a woman should be sexual for one man.
Hi whoah, welcome! I don’t think dhurka is a player who is looking to score, but your point is valid. This is the balance that is so tricky to find. A woman should not even consider being sexually loyal to a man who shows signs (red flags) of playing the field.