Bros and Hos: Relationship Foes?
When we want something, we employ strategy to help us get it (hopefully). It might not be a sound, well thought-out strategy, but we choose one path or another. Obviously, our chances for success are greatest if we have considered all the angles. One of the most important factors to consider in any strategy is competition. Your ability to get what you want will be affected by:
who else wants it, and
who doesn’t want you to have it.
In business, when we talk about competitors we identify the specific players in a given market and their niche within the industry. We examine their individual strengths and weaknesses. Understanding the competition helps us determine our own strengths and weaknesses by comparison. Ideally, we figure out how to exploit our strengths and minimize our weaknesses so that we can attain our objective.
It’s the same with relationships. I’ve written before about the market forces that promote the hookup culture. Today, those market forces combined create some pretty significant obstacles to relationships. One of those obstacles is competition. There are lots of women who are competing with you for relationships with a limited number of men, and there are lots of guys who don’t want you to have a relationship with their friend.
In the realm of social transactions, defining the competition is tricky. Your competition may be your best friend. Or all the girls you hang out with. Your competition for one boy may be one girl. Your competition as you try to relate differently to guys in general may be all the girls who are down to hook up randomly. It may be guys who are pressuring their friends to stay single.
You will need to be flexible and prepared to respond to different types of competitive pressures. Who will you be going up against? What are girls offering, and what are they getting in return? What are the norms? Once you understand the rules of the game, you can begin to set about changing them.
Bros: Male Competition
Have you noticed that even the biggest jerks get lots of girls if they’re good looking? Some girls just can’t resist the bad boys. Also, girls tend to feel special if they’re “chosen” by a hot guy. As long as jerks are successful at hooking up all the time, then the nicer guys mimic their behavior in an attempt to mimic their success. This is a terrible waste of nice guys!
If you are going to hook up, be selective. There are good guys out there, with much more to offer than any player. Getting dumped or ignored by the hottest guy doesn’t feel any better than being dumped by a nice guy, so stop wasting the pretty.
As more and more girls catch on and get smart in their dealings with boys, expect a loud chorus of “What the f**k?” Guys totally have it made right now, and they’re unlikely to welcome a change in the status quo. Your strategy is to win over individuals one at a time, not to take on the entire male population. Your goal is not to rid the world of hooking up. Your goal is to make a relationship an acceptable alternative to just hooking up.
As you succeed, you will experience some pushback from the peer group. It will take a while for guys to recognize what they’ve been missing. But as they discover that hooking up really does get old, and that being with one special girl feels great, the norms will begin to change. When you succeed in finding a Quality Boy to have a relationship with, his friends will see that he’s actually got it made, that he’s lucky to have you. Then it gets much easier. After one boy breaks ranks, others will follow and the peer pressure will decrease over time. Just remember you will need to be patient and tenacious. Boys band together and exert considerable peer pressure. You will have to take them down one at a time.
Hos: Fellow Female Competition
The biggest challenge you are going to face is that just like you, most of the girls you know are stuck in a vicious cycle of hooking up and getting too little in return. It’s important to remember that the competition is not the enemy. She probably wants the same things you want. Like you, she may be hooking up like crazy and acting against her own long-term interests. She probably doesn’t see how change is possible, and will continue to give boys the upper hand by granting unconditional access to sex. Changing the expectations of boys is a huge undertaking.
As long as lots of girls are willing to hook up at random, they will enjoy a competitive advantage:
- They provide a ready supply of instant sexual gratification with no expectations.
- They provide an ego boost to a guy and a steady stream of “You are the man!” from his friends.
- They require no advance planning. Boys love to “play it by ear.”
- They represent a very low risk of rejection. Guys don’t have to lay much on the line to score a hookup for one night.
Don’t forget, however, that you possess competitive strengths of your own:
- You are hard to get. Men want relationships with women who are discerning about sex. If he knows you are selective, he will feel special for winning you.
- Your sense of self-worth is communicated to others. By valuing yourself, you will be perceived as valuable.
- You are prepared to offer a real relationship with an emotional bond. With that intimacy comes the potential for great sex.
- You will eliminate awkwardness. You won’t be having sex if things feel awkward. You won’t be spending the night if things feel awkward. Just imagine how wonderful it will be to lose all that awkwardness!
- You understand how guys think, and you can put that knowledge to good use. You know that you will have the highest amount of leverage over a boy before you have sex. Remember that, and don’t squander it.
You can begin to change the way you behave right now. You can redefine your rules by holding out for what you really want. When you come along and insist on being treated with respect, it may be difficult at first for you to be heard. You may get less attention from boys. There may be fewer boys pursuing you. Many guys will just redirect their attention to a more compliant target. That’s OK. You will be weeding out the players, the jerks and the idiots. Remember, you are looking for a Quality Boy, not one who requires nothing more than a pulse.
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lady your blog. just wow. i was getting concerned for myself here, so tonight i looked up hookup culture cause i realized, it is a culture now, and i find your blog. what a score. ive been hooking up for a few months now, at first it was great, cos i just got out of a many year live in relationship with not much gratifying sex (im a very sexual person)….but now months later im getting sick of it to the point i meet guys i wanna be friends with but they just wanna hook up with me and i figure well ive hooked up with guys i wasnt even as into as i was with my new pal, so i hook up, even semi hook up i mean no penetrative sex (sorry too graphic) but then i still get all bummed when i dont really hear from them after, even though its how we were as friends anyway. it wasnt like this before, i totally used to dump these hook up guys.. and i do know what its like to love a guy and him love you back, so damn straight it took me a few months to get over the not having sex while in my relationship to damnit i wanna be in a cozy relationship. anyway, thanks for your blog. it really makes me wanna stick to my gut instinct and not make out with a guy i like right away. (doesnt matter how much i like him) . DUH my mother didnt tell me anything cept 'dont get pregnant'
ps. i never really hooked up 'that much' before and usually just had boyfriends for a few months or whatever.
hum I am so glad you found Hooking Up Smart! Check back often or subscribe – there always new material for you to check out, and lots of times we get great conversations going in the comments section. Just know that you are not alone; many, many women feel EXACTLY the same way you do. And lots of guys too, by the way.
Interesting site…but I wonder how accurate some of it is. Some of the studies you use are weak on the objective scientific side but most of what you say is pretty spot on. One thing that I think you are missing in your quality boy section is that guys who are deemed “nice guys”, whether they are or not, have expectation too. And thats where women shoot themselves in the foot with the hook up culture. Case in point from the post above, she was in a long term relationship and got out and wanted sex on a regular basis, so she went out and hooked up with every guy that came along. Quality guys, I mean “nice guys” don't put up with those girls. The reason is simply this, strategy. Like you talk about in some of your posts, strategy is very important in the hook up scene, and alot of women think they can date/ sleep with/ live with, all the “bad boys” they want and then fall in love with and marry the “nice guy” beta male. Beta men, nice guys, what ever way you want to pigeon hole them, they catch on to this strategy and adjust by making money and dating supermodels. Maybe not always, but they sure as hell don't date/marry the girl with two children by the previous bad boy boyfriends. Maybe im taking it to the extreme, but that seems to me to be when numbers/hooking up on the first date seems to matter the most. IDK, maybe im wrong its difficult to tell whos right when everyone talks with suck broad generalizations these days.
Bob, thanks so much for reading my posts and taking the time to comment. You make an EXCELLENT point here. Studies do show conclusively that guys usually think of girls as either sex material, or relationship material, early on. One of the biggest strategic blunders women make is assuming they can move between those two camps.
Re the studies I cite, I just want to say that this area of academic research is relatively new. There is very little empirical data available. However, there is enough to demonstrate that the majority of women are unhappy with the lack of relationships in the hookup culture.
The problem is in the generalities. Many women like to have sexual fun as much or more than males. The problem is being true to yourself in all things. There is nothing wrong with hooking up to get sexual pleasure. There is nothing wrong with one night stands, there is nothing wrong with enjoying a male. There is something wrong with expectations that a hookup will be more. I have had arrangements that lasted quite a while and were very enjoyable because we discussed it in advance.
First thing is to accept what it is as the reality. Hook-ups .etc. are by definition temporary from a few hours to months to years. As your needs change then change but be open honest and get really carefree birth control.
If I meet someone with whom I feel attraction, getting them to bed right now is a matter of sexual-emotional chemistry and opportunity (time,place) snooze and loose!
Being wisy-washy is another losing gambit. Remember a real long term relationship is a friendship with sex or sex with friendship it can be exclusive or open, poly or not, but the same actions occur.
Hey, xvra, nice to meet you! I wholeheartedly agree with you. Women who are interested in a casual arrangement can usually find one easily. As long as both people are on the same page, it's a win-win. The important thing, as you say, is communication; laying out the groundrules at the beginning.
Being wishy-washy is never a good way to get what you want; if you know what you want, then it always makes sense to ask for it!
I also like your definition of a real long-term relationship: a friendship with sex, or sex with friendship. While friends can have sex without being in a relationship (FWB), friendship is a crucial component of any real emotional intimacy, which of course makes the sex that much better.
Hey, xvra, nice to meet you! I wholeheartedly agree with you. Women who are interested in a casual arrangement can usually find one easily. As long as both people are on the same page, it's a win-win. The important thing, as you say, is communication; laying out the groundrules at the beginning.
Being wishy-washy is never a good way to get what you want; if you know what you want, then it always makes sense to ask for it!
I also like your definition of a real long-term relationship: a friendship with sex, or sex with friendship. While friends can have sex without being in a relationship (FWB), friendship is a crucial component of any real emotional intimacy, which of course makes the sex that much better.