5 Indispensable Paranormal Tools for Managing Relationships
The other day I was asked, “If you could possess one superpower, what would you choose?” I always think of that as a guy sorta thing. I’m not interested in scaling walls or having X-ray vision. When I was a kid, more than anything I wanted to be like Samantha on Bewitched. I realize that’s thinking small – I was won over by her wiggling her nose to get her housework done. Imagine the vacuum cleaner zooming around the living room on its own! Fast forward through the Women’s Movement, and I couldn’t care less about vacuuming. Add technology, and we’ve got the Roomba to do it for us.
So I got to thinking. It’s not so much that I would like to have a particular superpower. But I sure would like it if there were supernatural phenomena I could rely on. A paranormal toolkit, if you will.
Here are my indispensable magical tools for managing relationships:
The Voodoo Doll
Is there any woman who has never longed for a voodoo doll that works? I’ve seen them around in gift shops recently; they come in a little kit, complete with a few straight pins. I would supplement the supply of pins, inserting 20 directly into the groin area. I can’t imagine anything more satisfying that hearing reports of a certain douche writhing in agony on the floor of his dorm room.
Horoscopes
I’m actually sort of a believer in astrology – all the descriptions of Libra fit me to a tee. And I absolutely love reading my horoscope. The great thing about published horoscopes is that they are never terrible. Sometimes they caution you about not being taken advantage of today, etc., but often they proclaim that Love is On the Rise! Or that people will find me irresistible today. Or that there’s nothing I can’t achieve when I put my mind to it. It’s probably just self-fulfilling, but it would comfort me to think that the alignment of the planets is a sort of pre-destiny, and that if I screw up it’s because Mercury is in retrograde.
Love Potion
I recently wrote about My Failed Pheromones Experiment, and I would never go there again. Wearing synthetic pheromones just brought a lot of creeps out of the woodwork, acting all sexy and inappropriate, ew. No, what we need is not something to make guys attracted, we need something to make guys fall in love. We need something that makes guys beg us for monogamy. Something that makes them immune to the charms of any other woman. We could call it the Exclusivitini, and dole it out at pregame.
Exorcism
Wouldn’t it be great if you really could wash that man right outta your hair? This would be especially useful for those guys we can’t quite get over, even though we know they are toxic for us. My version would skip the whole green projectile vomiting thing, though. Just a few well chosen words, maybe a little seizure as the demon exits, sounds about right.
The Secret
OK, full disclosure, I am sort of a believer in The Secret. Basically, the Law of Attraction says that the benevolent Universe will give you what you want if you believe. You need to believe that you deserve it, and that it will be yours. And then it will be! It’s really just the latest version of The Power of Positive Thinking. And who can’t get behind that? When we approach life with an attitude of optimism and possibility, surely we are bound to get better results than if we head out into the world with an attitude of despair and hopelessness. So I guess I don’t believe that the Universe is going to send me a book deal while I’m sleeping, but I’d like to think that the Universe wants to hold me gently while I try to get a book deal for myself.
What have I left out of the Toolkit? Please comment!
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susanawalsh
