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7 Totally Lame Excuses For Why He Cheated

sexy-couple

 

If he did it without your knowledge, and stayed silent about it afterwards, it’s cheating.”

Aunt Sue

 

 

Frequently I hear from young women who are confused about whether they’ve been cheated on. They feel hurt and betrayed by a guy who hooked up with someone else, but the guy has coughed up some lame-ass excuse for his behavior, often falling back on the technicalities of the definition of cheating. Here’s a dictionary definition of the word cheat:

cheat (v): to deceive or mislead somebody, especially for personal advantage

If you are exclusive with a guy, and he gets with someone else, he is cheating. Period. And I don’t want to hear any excuses about your not officially being in a relationship:

re·la·tion·ship (n): the connection between two or more people or groups and their involvement with each other, especially as regards how they behave and feel toward each other and communicate or cooperate

Even if you claim that you are not officially in a RELATIONSHIP, you most certainly have a relationship. That means he has an obligation to be honest and respectful of your feelings.

Once he has cheated on you, there is only one thing he can say that makes him potentially worth staying with, and he must say it before you find out about his cheating.

He must tell you:

  • what he did
  • why he did it
  • what he hopes to have with you now
  •  

    He must then:

  • apologize for deceiving you and for hurting you
  • ask for your forgiveness
  • commit himself to never lying or cheating again
  •  

    Even if he says all of these things, you need to think about whether or not you can forgive him, and whether the relationship is worth saving and rebuilding. On the other hand, if he trots out any of the following explanations after getting caught, you should get rid of him immediately. Guys can be very persuasive, as you well know. Here are some real-life excuses guys have muttered in their attempts to get away with cheating:

     

    1. “You’re going abroad next semester, so in my mind we were already broken up.”

    In your mind? In your mind doesn’t count, unless that thought travels out through your mouth. If we have agreed not to hook up with other people, then the only thing that can alter that agreement is a conversation between us, where you communicate clearly that you no longer intend to be exclusive.

     

    2. “I was really, really drunk. I was blackout. I never would have done that sober.”

    Um, no. Here’s a case where actions tell the whole story. Drinking releases inhibitions, it’s true. So when you got drunk, you did exactly what you wanted to do. You made a choice. 

     

    3. “Well, technically I didn’t cheat because we were on a break last weekend.”

    Going on a break in our relationship does not mean a wild weekend for you followed by getting back with me on Monday. So you had sex with someone else and now you realize your mistake. I could have told you that, now it’s too late. You’ve broken something.

     

    4. “I never would have pursued her. When I got to my car, room, etc. she was waiting. It didn’t mean anything.”

    Don’t act like you couldn’t have said no. Of course it means something. It means you don’t care enough about me to resist the temptation. It means you were only concerned about yourself and getting off.

     

    5. “Look, I dated her for 3 years. It wasn’t a big deal, we just made out. It was just because of our history, and because we never really had closure.”

    So you think it is appropriate to hook up with someone for old times’ sake, even when you are dating someone else. How to you plan to handle your tenth high school reunion once you’re married?

     

    6. “You were sending me angry texts that night. I didn’t think you cared.”

    Just because we were in a fight and I was angry with you doesn’t give you the right to hook up with someone else behind my back. If I’m sending you angry texts, it’s because I care very much what is happening between us


    7. “We just slept in the same bed together. We didn’t do anything. We’re just friends.”

    Even if that is true, it is totally inappropriate for you to share that level of physical closeness with a friend. You should have known I would find that upsetting and threatening, and if you weren’t sure you should have asked.

     

    Have you heard other, equally lame excuses from a fast talker? Put it in the Comments section, along with how you dealt with it!

    • Paul

      That last thing is pretty lame. Sharing a bed with someone of the opposite gender is not cheating. Engaging in sexual activity with someone while in a relationship with someone else is cheating. If you share a bed and nothing sexual happens at all, then it isn't cheating. Is it still cheating if the person you share a bed with is the same gender as you? It seems to me the problem here is a lack of trust on the part of the partner of the person, not the person who shared a bed.

    • susanawalsh

      Hmmm, that's a fair point. Obviously, it's possible to share a bed with someone without cheating. In the case in point, the guy had a habit of being very “touchy” with friends, including lots of physical affection, though not sex. It was something that made his gf uncomfortable, which she told him. As a result, he hid it from here when he did this, which I believe was shady. If he could not accomodate her wish to not enjoy that level of closeness with other women, he should have said so. This was not a case of occasionally winding up sharing a sleeping space in tight quarters, but more a regular habit of sleeping and spooning with a friend.

    • http://singlutionary.com Singlutionary

      I would just like that add that just cause a guy in younger, less educated, less hot, had a crappier job, etc than you doesn't mean that he isn't going to cheat. I know that this statement is fairly obvious to most people but I used to pick guys who were really overweight and not so good with the ladies because I felt safe with them. Its kinda like the song that goes “if you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife”. I thought that these guys a) wouldn't be getting laid very often to begin with and b) would appreciate me more.

      Neither was true. One of them was using ME to cheat on his real girlfriend. The other was, well, doing the same thing except I was the “real” girlfriend.

    • susanawalsh

      I don't get it, but it often seems like the biggest losers also have the biggest egos. I have met a lot of guys who think they are God's gift to women, when in reality, they are, well, gross. I do think you have to be careful with the really hot guys; they have lots of options, after all, but I guess it doesn't work the other way around.

    • alexa

      “I didn't realize I had a fat fetish.”

      (I'm 110 pounds.. she was considerably larger.)

    • BOB

      Wow I have had girls use all of these on me more than once…especially sleeping in the same bed thing…their excuse was we are just friends and I didn't want to sleep on the floor…even though they did eventually start sleeping together. And by the way, with the black out drunk comment…ISN”T THAT RAPE?? Just saying, consent is consent, implied or not. Ive gotten that excuse too…I mean apparently if you get drunk you can “accidentally” have sex with someone…I call bs on it. But after having some ex's talk about it being their choice, vs an accident, vs calling it date rape…Im not sure what to think. I do however not think this is a guy vs girl thing…it has more to do with psychology and behavior..not gender.

    • susanawalsh

      Bob, you are awesome! I agree this is not about gender. I just tend to write from the woman's point of view…but yes, women are also guilty of these same behaviors. Which are totally lame, and should not be tolerated.

      Good for you for calling bs on the whole accidental sex while drunk thing. Regarding consent, that is a very complicated question, and one I have been thinking about for a while. When both parties are really drunk, consent is obviously not possible. Many states have laws on the books that hold a guy responsible for judging whether the girl is too impaired to give consent. I call bs on that. And date rape – can't a girl be just of guilty of doing that?

    • susanawalsh

      Bob, you are awesome! I agree this is not about gender. I just tend to write from the woman's point of view…but yes, women are also guilty of these same behaviors. Which are totally lame, and should not be tolerated.

      Good for you for calling bs on the whole accidental sex while drunk thing. Regarding consent, that is a very complicated question, and one I have been thinking about for a while. When both parties are really drunk, consent is obviously not possible. Many states have laws on the books that hold a guy responsible for judging whether the girl is too impaired to give consent. I call bs on that. And date rape – can't a girl be just as guilty of doing that?

    • Lily

      The lamest accuse i got was after this guy promised he would not cheat and that he will always love me.  A week later he screwed some fat slut then dumped me. He said it was because there was another girl… Obviously I wasnt giving him what he wants

      • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

        @Lily
        Good riddance! What a jerk! Of course, the other girl won’t last long either…

    • KATE

      How about “I liked you SO much, I was afraid to lose you, so I had her as a backup plan”. HMPH.

      • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

        @KATE
        Douchebag alert! Ugh, I soooo hope you are done with him.

    • Lovisa

      I stumbled in to this site and I really recognize myself in lots of these situations that are discussed. I recently was badly treated by a player (though I didn’t know until afterwards) and he had a lot of excuses for EVERYTHING. First of all he was already in a relationship when he started to date me. But I didn’t know until over a month later. Apparently he had broken up with her shortly after he met me. But if I knew back then, he woluld never had any shot at me. After some time he also came clean about having sex with her, when she had slept over (even though they were broken up and he was simultaneously dating me). I knew about the “sleep over”, even though I didn’t approve. But he then assured me nothing had happened… But obviously something did happen… twice… And now to his excuse… He told me that he only had sex with her to be sure that I was the one he wanted.. I don’t know why I swallowed that and continued seeing him (the power of players), but I certainly regret it. Because after that, everything just kept getting worse. And to summarize it, he is now together with his ex again and behaves like I’m the worst person in the world… Even though we both know that it’s more likely to be himself..

      • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

        @Lovisa
        What a jerk! It sounds like you know exactly where you went wrong – accepting his having a sleepover with an ex, and buying that BS excuse that he had sex with her to make sure about you. Ugh. Please, please don’t make the same mistakes next time. Watch out for those red flags, and run the minute you get signs that the guy is a player.

    • Judy

      My boyfriend accused me of cheating because after knowing him for 2 months, and accepting a ring, I still had pictures of recent old boyfriends in my cell phone, and saved text conversations. I still had them in my phone contacts. I never cheated physically or verbally or by email after we had our committment weekend, but I did not quickly delete their info either. Was I cheating? I saved the digital data in case things fell apart over the next several months. Our relationship was still new, but it was amazing and we had alot in common. AT WHAT POINT IN A RELATIONSHIP DO YOU CLEAN UP AND DELETE YOUR DIGITAL HISTORY? Is holding off for a couple of months cheating?? I am really confused. Is saving it for a couple more months too much of a back door out, or is it smart to cover your options for a few more weeks or months?

      • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

        @Judy
        That is not cheating! Cheating is doing something you wouldn’t want your BF to know about, not failing to do something in a timely manner. Two months is not long at all. If you had been emailing or texting, especially anything suggestive, I would say he’s got a point. But just having the digital details? That’s crazy! Are you supposed to defriend these people on Facebook too? The real issue here is that your bf doesn’t trust you – whether that’s because he’s insecure or because he senses you’re hedging your bets is hard to say.

    • Sasha

      Oh my gosh I wish I had had this when it actually happened. I’d have known what to say. He broke up with me then told me what happened a few hours later via text message. I was so upset. They got together the next day and it’s been awhile but I’m finally getting better and over the shock. It doesn’t help that we live in a small town and I see them together constantly. I always wonder if there was something I could have said to save us….