7 Totally Lame Excuses For Why He Cheated
“If he did it without your knowledge, and stayed silent about it afterwards, it’s cheating.”
Aunt Sue
Frequently I hear from young women who are confused about whether they’ve been cheated on. They feel hurt and betrayed by a guy who hooked up with someone else, but the guy has coughed up some lame-ass excuse for his behavior, often falling back on the technicalities of the definition of cheating. Here’s a dictionary definition of the word cheat:
cheat (v): to deceive or mislead somebody, especially for personal advantage
If you are exclusive with a guy, and he gets with someone else, he is cheating. Period. And I don’t want to hear any excuses about your not officially being in a relationship:
re·la·tion·ship (n): the connection between two or more people or groups and their involvement with each other, especially as regards how they behave and feel toward each other and communicate or cooperate
Even if you claim that you are not officially in a RELATIONSHIP, you most certainly have a relationship. That means he has an obligation to be honest and respectful of your feelings.
Once he has cheated on you, there is only one thing he can say that makes him potentially worth staying with, and he must say it before you find out about his cheating.
He must tell you:
He must then:
Even if he says all of these things, you need to think about whether or not you can forgive him, and whether the relationship is worth saving and rebuilding. On the other hand, if he trots out any of the following explanations after getting caught, you should get rid of him immediately. Guys can be very persuasive, as you well know. Here are some real-life excuses guys have muttered in their attempts to get away with cheating:
1. “You’re going abroad next semester, so in my mind we were already broken up.”
In your mind? In your mind doesn’t count, unless that thought travels out through your mouth. If we have agreed not to hook up with other people, then the only thing that can alter that agreement is a conversation between us, where you communicate clearly that you no longer intend to be exclusive.
2. “I was really, really drunk. I was blackout. I never would have done that sober.”
Um, no. Here’s a case where actions tell the whole story. Drinking releases inhibitions, it’s true. So when you got drunk, you did exactly what you wanted to do. You made a choice.
3. “Well, technically I didn’t cheat because we were on a break last weekend.”
Going on a break in our relationship does not mean a wild weekend for you followed by getting back with me on Monday. So you had sex with someone else and now you realize your mistake. I could have told you that, now it’s too late. You’ve broken something.
4. “I never would have pursued her. When I got to my car, room, etc. she was waiting. It didn’t mean anything.”
Don’t act like you couldn’t have said no. Of course it means something. It means you don’t care enough about me to resist the temptation. It means you were only concerned about yourself and getting off.
5. “Look, I dated her for 3 years. It wasn’t a big deal, we just made out. It was just because of our history, and because we never really had closure.”
So you think it is appropriate to hook up with someone for old times’ sake, even when you are dating someone else. How to you plan to handle your tenth high school reunion once you’re married?
6. “You were sending me angry texts that night. I didn’t think you cared.”
Just because we were in a fight and I was angry with you doesn’t give you the right to hook up with someone else behind my back. If I’m sending you angry texts, it’s because I care very much what is happening between us.
7. “We just slept in the same bed together. We didn’t do anything. We’re just friends.”
Even if that is true, it is totally inappropriate for you to share that level of physical closeness with a friend. You should have known I would find that upsetting and threatening, and if you weren’t sure you should have asked.
Have you heard other, equally lame excuses from a fast talker? Put it in the Comments section, along with how you dealt with it!
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That last thing is pretty lame. Sharing a bed with someone of the opposite gender is not cheating. Engaging in sexual activity with someone while in a relationship with someone else is cheating. If you share a bed and nothing sexual happens at all, then it isn't cheating. Is it still cheating if the person you share a bed with is the same gender as you? It seems to me the problem here is a lack of trust on the part of the partner of the person, not the person who shared a bed.
Hmmm, that's a fair point. Obviously, it's possible to share a bed with someone without cheating. In the case in point, the guy had a habit of being very “touchy” with friends, including lots of physical affection, though not sex. It was something that made his gf uncomfortable, which she told him. As a result, he hid it from here when he did this, which I believe was shady. If he could not accomodate her wish to not enjoy that level of closeness with other women, he should have said so. This was not a case of occasionally winding up sharing a sleeping space in tight quarters, but more a regular habit of sleeping and spooning with a friend.
I would just like that add that just cause a guy in younger, less educated, less hot, had a crappier job, etc than you doesn't mean that he isn't going to cheat. I know that this statement is fairly obvious to most people but I used to pick guys who were really overweight and not so good with the ladies because I felt safe with them. Its kinda like the song that goes “if you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife”. I thought that these guys a) wouldn't be getting laid very often to begin with and b) would appreciate me more.
Neither was true. One of them was using ME to cheat on his real girlfriend. The other was, well, doing the same thing except I was the “real” girlfriend.
I don't get it, but it often seems like the biggest losers also have the biggest egos. I have met a lot of guys who think they are God's gift to women, when in reality, they are, well, gross. I do think you have to be careful with the really hot guys; they have lots of options, after all, but I guess it doesn't work the other way around.
“I didn't realize I had a fat fetish.”
(I'm 110 pounds.. she was considerably larger.)
Wow I have had girls use all of these on me more than once…especially sleeping in the same bed thing…their excuse was we are just friends and I didn't want to sleep on the floor…even though they did eventually start sleeping together. And by the way, with the black out drunk comment…ISN”T THAT RAPE?? Just saying, consent is consent, implied or not. Ive gotten that excuse too…I mean apparently if you get drunk you can “accidentally” have sex with someone…I call bs on it. But after having some ex's talk about it being their choice, vs an accident, vs calling it date rape…Im not sure what to think. I do however not think this is a guy vs girl thing…it has more to do with psychology and behavior..not gender.
Bob, you are awesome! I agree this is not about gender. I just tend to write from the woman's point of view…but yes, women are also guilty of these same behaviors. Which are totally lame, and should not be tolerated.
Good for you for calling bs on the whole accidental sex while drunk thing. Regarding consent, that is a very complicated question, and one I have been thinking about for a while. When both parties are really drunk, consent is obviously not possible. Many states have laws on the books that hold a guy responsible for judging whether the girl is too impaired to give consent. I call bs on that. And date rape – can't a girl be just of guilty of doing that?
Bob, you are awesome! I agree this is not about gender. I just tend to write from the woman's point of view…but yes, women are also guilty of these same behaviors. Which are totally lame, and should not be tolerated.
Good for you for calling bs on the whole accidental sex while drunk thing. Regarding consent, that is a very complicated question, and one I have been thinking about for a while. When both parties are really drunk, consent is obviously not possible. Many states have laws on the books that hold a guy responsible for judging whether the girl is too impaired to give consent. I call bs on that. And date rape – can't a girl be just as guilty of doing that?