The Girls’ Kickass Guide to Getting Over a Breakup

March 4, 2009

step-on-heart

 

Now that Zagat’s has announced new Dating (and Dumping) Guides for New York and LA, I’m bracing myself for some nasty stories. Zagat’s selected their dumping grounds based on the number of exits and proximity to transportation (so you can get the hell outta there), as well as the attractiveness of the clientele, so that you can immediately pick up someone else to hook up with. Nice. Is it my imagination, or does it sound like Zagat’s is catering to the Y chromosome crowd here? Sounds generally douchey to me. What kind of a guy would maximize the humiliation of being dumped? I never thought I’d say this, but I’d rather get the text: “sry ur not the 1 4 me.”

Every girl needs a kickass toolkit for getting over a breakup. Getting dumped pretty much happens to everyone sooner or later, and usually we just sort of stumble through it, taking each horrible day as it comes and doing our best to stay sane. Well, you know I am all about strategy, about taking control of your life to get what you want. You may not be able to control being dumped, but you can certainly control your response to it. And I want to help you go through the trauma with the least possible pain, in the shortest period of time. 

Here are the basic tenets of my Kickass recovery plan:

  • Self-pity is highly underrated.

  • Ditto for self-indulgence.

  • Maintaining your dignity will have a huge payoff.

  • Getting over a guy will suck, but can be freeing, energizing, and sometimes even fun.

  • Grieving is an aspect of love. If you love someone, and you lose them, grieving them is a loving act, even when they don’t deserve it. It’s also a way of loving yourself.

 

So. He broke up with you. You just got onto a great big roller coaster, and you’re going to need to hold on tight.

The First Stage: Shock and Awe

“Shock and awe is a military doctrine based on the use of overwhelming power, dominant battlefield awareness, dominant maneuvers, and spectacular displays of force to paralyze an adversary’s perception of the battlefield and destroy its will to fight.” (Wikipedia)

This is what he just did to you. He mowed you down like a Panzer tank. Maybe you saw it coming, maybe not. Either way it sucks, and it’s going to suck for a while. You can’t believe it. Literally. Your mind is not capable of absorbing this news immediately. “He is wrong about this! He will come to see his mistake!” Your loving friends will tell you that it makes no sense, something must be going on with him, you guys are perfect together, he’s not going to last the weekend without you, blah, blah, blah.

Don’t believe them. He may, in fact, come back around and ask that you take him back. It happens. But guess what? I have NEVER heard of a relationship that was as good the second time around. When he Humpty Dumptied you he broke something and it is never going to be put back together the same way again.

Still, you hope he will change his mind. In the meantime, you will be saying a variety of cheerful and helpful things to yourself:

  • “This is great! Now I can hook up with new guys!”
  • “Awesome! I’ve really missed hanging out with my girls!”
  • “It will be great not to have to think about anyone but myself.”

 

But you know the pain is coming. It is coming, and it is going to slam into you like a Kansas tornado.

The Second Stage: Tornado Alley

The tornado hits suddenly, and it blows you right off your foundation. Your life has literally been turned upside down.

There are several things you need to do in the second stage:

1. Respect his decision. It is his right to end the relationship. You hate it, but you can’t change it. 

2. Sever all contact. This is not an appropriate time to think about remaining friends. What is the point? You don’t want him calling to “check in” and see if you are surviving the devastating heartbreak that he inflicted.

3. Go headlong into the pain. This is where the very important self-pitying behavior begins. Here are some activities I recommend:

  • Cry as many tears as your body can produce. Cry until your eyes are puffy and red. Cry until snot is running down your chin. It also helps to wail, if that’s feasible in your living situation. Keening would not be overdoing it.
  • Eat whatever you want. This is not the time to think about your weight. Personally, my go-to breakup food has always been spaghetti with a ton of melted butter. Maybe your thing is Cherry Garcia. Or chocolate. Whatever. Get in some supplies and indulge.
  • Get your friends to rub your back and hug you constantly. You are literally craving physical comfort in this stage and your friends can provide it.
  • Listen to really sappy love songs. Wallow in the unfairness of it all. 
  • Watch sad movies about love relationships that don’t work out. I always liked Roman Holiday with Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck. Casablanca is a classic, of course. Titanic. You get the idea.

 

After a little while, you will get bored of all of the above. You will be crying your eyes out in your dark room, and you will catch a glimpse of the time. You will say to yourself, “Oh, look, Lost is about to come on.” You will wander over to the TV in the PJs you have been wearing for 72 hours, and you will turn it on. And at some point in the next hour, for just a moment or two, you will forget. And the healing has begun.

The Third Stage: Making Deals with the Devil

In the third stage, you concoct schemes to get him back. You’re feeling better than in Stage Two, and you feel empowered in some ways. Unfortunately, you are likely to take the ill-advised step of making a fool of yourself. This is fruitless and will cost you major dignity points. DO NOT, under any circumstances, indulge in the following activities:

  • Drunk dialing or texting
  • Engaging in drive-bys or any other spying activity
  • Making drama in a public place 
  • Trying to talk to him about getting back together, also known as begging
  • Promising to change in some way so that he will want you back
  • Trying to make him jealous by acting skanky with another guy
  • Cornering his friends for updates on what he is thinking
  • Succumbing to the “maybe someday” delusion

 

You may, indeed you must, do the following:

  • Get his number out of your phone. Yeah, of course you know it by heart, but the symbolism is important. And when he rings, I’ll kill you if you answer.
  • Defriend him on Facebook. I know, I know, exes usually don’t do that, it looks pathetic. Well guess what? More pathetic is your stalking him, reading his wall, trying to figure out which girls are now making a play for him, etc. Defriend him. Immediately.
  • Block him on your AIM. Block him. Don’t just take him off your buddy list. Because when he sees that you’re online and tries to IM you, 1) you don’t want to know about it and 2) he will feel the little rejection of being informed that his message is not wanted. 
  • Pack up everything you have that reminds you of him and the relationship. DO NOT have a bonfire, you’ll regret that someday. For now, just pack it all up into a box and store it away. Tape the box shut, so that you can’t go rifling around in there when you’re wasted.

 

If you ignored my advice and gave in to your self-destructive urges, there will come a time when you realize that all of your bargaining and desperate measures have only served to make you look like a complete psycho idiot. And then you will stop.

The Fourth Stage: Boiling the Bunny

Boiling the bunny is all about revenge fantasies. These are extremely helpful, and I would recommend spending some time developing a few. Lie down in a quiet place, and roll the tape in your head. Visualize it, hear it, feel it. Here are some I have found useful:

  • Penis in a blender; it’s important to imagine pushing the button, whirl!
  • Hitting him with your car on a dark road and speeding away
  • He impregnates the ugly, gross girl he’s hooking up with and she decides to have the baby
  • Putting something so horrendous online that for the rest of his life, potential employers who Google him will lose interest, and maybe even call the authorities
  • Attending his funeral and fighting the urge to do a cartwheel at the cemetery

 

I’m sure you can come up with some good ones of your own, or feel free to use mine. Just sub in your own dickhead. 

Here’s the only real revenge worth pursuing: “Don’t get even. Get even better.”

A word about rebounds: don’t do it. Not yet. It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to the guy. Wait until you are free and clear emotionally before you get involved with someone new. Right now you need to be on your own, to mend, to heal, and to generally get your shit together.

The Fifth Stage: Seasonal Affective Disorder

OK, this has been fun, but now it’s time to get back to the business of mending your broken heart. Grief is one of life’s seasons. Think of it as spending time in a climate where the sun never shines. It could last a little while. Here are some things you’ll probably be feeling at this point:

  • You realize he’s not coming back. It’s really over. 
  • You feel like shit.
  • You really, really miss him.
  • You focus on memories of the past.
  • You blame yourself and try to figure out what went wrong.

 

I wish you could skip this stage, because it feels awful. You probably feel like you should be over it, and you’re not, and oh God, you’ll never be happy again. You will be happy again, of course you will, but not yet. There is no way around it, you must go through this. For some women, this amounts to depression. I’m a big one for therapy, so go for some if you need to, keep a journal, keep your friends close. Now is not the time to wallow and be alone. You need some support during this stage, so get some.

There are some things you can do to shorten the duration of SAD:

  • Make a list of his faults. I’m not kidding. It’s important to remember that the relationship wasn’t perfect. It really wasn’t. There was the way he sort of checked out other girls sometimes. And he thought it was funny to tease you about your weight, but it wasn’t funny at all, not to you. When you put your tongue in his ear it tasted like wax. He flared his nostrils sometimes, and they got HUGE. Why did he have to make that screeching sound when he sneezed? You get the idea. Write it all down.
  • Remind yourself every day that you deserve a guy who will love you unconditionally. And he doesn’t. Therefore…..you deserve better than him.
  • Make some changes. Do something new, find a new source of hope. It could be a new interest, a new friendship, a new exercise activity. Open new avenues in your life.
  • Reflect on the relationship, and think about what you learned. Take responsibility for your own shortcomings. 
  • Spend time with the two chicks: Lit and Flick. Now is the time to remind yourself that happy endings do exist. And the chicks never, ever let you down.

The Sixth Stage: Turning the Corner

You’re gonna be OK. You laugh at stuff again. You even crack jokes occasionally. You’re feeling a bit better. You can envision a time when you will be happy with someone else. You might not be ready right now, but there is the hope of happiness with someone new. When you feel ready, here are some things you can and should do: 

  • Acknowledge that you are wary of getting involved again. New love means the risk of new loss, and that’s scary. Take it slow.
  • Flirt. Yeah, you know you want to. It doesn’t have to be a means to an end. Flirting is fun and an ego boost, so enjoy it for its own sake.
  • Go out at night. Put some rocking music on, get ready for a night on the town, and get out there.
  • Go out during the day. Try to maximize the number of encounters that you have with other people every single day. Ride the bus, go to the library, do your food shopping, take a walk in the park, work on your laptop at Starbucks. Will you meet Prince Charming on the street? Probably not. But you certainly will not meet him in your apartment. Just get out and move. Keep moving. Make eye contact with people, be friendly.

 

That’s it. That’s the plan. It is the sum of what I’ve learned through my own breakups, and the breakups of many young women who have been kind enough to share their stories. By the way, getting dumped is obviously no fun for guys either. It’s just that I don’t know what it’s like for them. I did find one interesting thing, however. You know I love He Said/She Said at collegecandy.com. Here’s the convo: “How Do Guys Move On So Quickly?” It’s worth a look.

Finally, I want to let you know that I plan to make a playlist for each of the Six Stages. I have some good ideas for music, but would love some more from you guys. Nominate a song, and be sure to say which stage it’s appropriate for. Then I’ll post them so you can have your own personal Kickass Breakup Survival Playlist!

 

 

 



4 Pingbacks/Trackbacks

  • allison

    wonderful article. not sure what this means… “Spend time with the two chicks: Lit and Flick. ” anyway i'm bookmarking this

  • susanawalsh

    Sorry, I guess that was a bit unclear. I meant read Chick Lit books and see Chick Flick movies! They always provide a satisfying happy ending, in my experience.

  • Maggie

    Great advice! Here's a few songs:

    -Pink, “So what?” Stages 3 and 4.
    -Kelis, “Caught out There” Stages 3 and 4.
    -Alanis Morrisette “You oughta know” Stage 4.
    -The Dixie Chicks “Goodbye Earl” Stage 4.
    -Sinead O'Connor “Nothing Compares 2 U” Stages 2, 3, and 5.
    -Jennifer Lopez “I'm gonna be alright” Stage 6.
    -Madonna “You'll See” Stage 4.
    -Anastacia “I'm outta love” stage 6.
    -Pink “There you go” stage 4 and 6.

  • susanawalsh

    Maggie, thank you, those are awesome suggestions! The only one I already had was “So What?” I really appreciate it. Stay tuned for the playlists~

  • Stina

    This song is appropriate for the 4th and 6th stage. Kelly Clarkson Since You've Been Gone. It makes you feel good about ending the relationship. All of the suggestions you made are completely accurate. The most important one is cutting off all ties. Talking to him that one time can sometimes set you back to the beginning, so if you can't get a hold of him and he can't get a hold of it won't ever happen.

  • Susan

    Stina, good call. I also think Kelly Clarkson's new song “My Life Would Suck Without You” would work for Stage 3. I am building great playlists, it's really fun! Makes me almost wish for a breakup ;-)

  • Alexa E.

    I loved this article!! suchh great advice, very poignant, haha. as for your breakup playlist.. these are a few from my own (very extensive) breakup playlist. I hope these help you, too!

    All By Myself – Celine Dione (as feautred in Bridget Jones's Diary, theeeee ultimate chick flick!)
    Love Ridden – Fiona Apple
    I Will Survive – Enrique Iglesias (you know you want to)
    Cool – Gwen Stefani
    Foundations – Kate Nash
    Only One – Yellowcard
    Hello and Goodbye – the Ataris
    Last Time We Spoke – Eels
    Now You're Gone – Basshunter
    Where Did You Sleep Last Night – Nirvana
    Goodbye My Lover – James Blunt
    With or Without You – U2
    I Wasn't Prepared – Eisley
    All Good Things (Come to an End) – Nelly Furtado
    Your Ex-Lover is Dead – the Stars
    A Minor Incident – Badly Drawn Boy
    How's It Gonna Be – Third Eye Blind
    The Way I Loved You – Taylor Swift
    Where Did Our Love Go – the Supremes
    It's a Shame – The Spinners

    … I have a lot more if you need any! Haha. I'm sorry they aren't very organized into your stages but if you listen to their tone or the lyrics, they explain themselves. I'm just getting over a breakup so these songs have been pretty much on repeat for me..!

  • susanawalsh

    Alexa, thank you, that is an awesome list! I'll check out each and every song. Stay tuned for the final playlists.

  • Alexa E.

    Awesome, will do! :)

  • Bill Dugan

    How about the Dylan song, Lay Lady Lay across my big brass bed? That is my favorite for this type of stuff. Nothing like a good banging to get over some other guy.

  • susanawalsh

    I agree, Lay Lady Lay is a great song!

  • johanenjc

    I would definitely add Taylor Swift's “White Horse” to this play list–maybe for stage 5 & 6. It's a great, empowering song.

    btw, I love your blog!

  • susanawalsh

    Thanks so much for the feedback, and for commenting on HUS! I don't know White Horse, I will definitely have to check it out. I LOVE Taylor Swift, tho. I especially love her songs where she's been wronged and now you'd better watch out!

  • susanawalsh

    Thanks so much for the feedback, and for commenting on HUS! I don't know White Horse, I will definitely have to check it out. I LOVE Taylor Swift, tho. I especially love her songs where she's been wronged and now you'd better watch out!

  • collegegirl1

    Ugh I wish I read this a couple months ago because I did make some mistakes here. The first continuous hookup of the semester, I made out with another guy right in front of the guy who broke up w/ me. The guy knew I was vulnerable and didn't care (guys are always in for a hookup) but looking back on it..it wasn't the best thing to do. I just wanted to show him I could get another guy..and I guess it did make me feel better at the time so it wasn't sooo bad but it may have made me look worse in his eyes instead of what I wanted him to feel (better in his eyes).

    Also, I wanted revenge on the second guy but I read a comment of yours in another article that said, “don't get even, get even better” and I love it. For my revenge plot, I wanted to do something that would hurt him but I didn't do it right away because I wanted to wait until how I felt a month later before I did something drastic. Now, I'm just laughing about these 2 guys and realizing they had SO many flaws, but they were cute and I wanted a guy, so I ignored them and only focused on the good things. They had their bad qualities, but I was good in the “relationship” and never said or did anything mean. The only bad thing I did (and what I learned) is that I'm too trusting and also feel like when a guy likes me, it's hard to back away when things go wrong because I feel like it is rare when a guy likes me, even though it's probably not. I'm scared of rejection and getting hurt, but if I was a stronger more confident person I would have broken up with both guys before they were able to break up with me.

    Drunk dialing or texting
    Engaging in drive-bys or any other spying activity
    Making drama in a public place
    Trying to talk to him about getting back together, also known as begging
    Promising to change in some way so that he will want you back
    Trying to make him jealous by acting skanky with another guy
    Cornering his friends for updates on what he is thinking
    Succumbing to the “maybe someday” delusion

  • susanawalsh

    First of all, you deserve a ton of credit for recognizing the mistakes you made. Also, I hope you can see from this post that this is what just about every girl does. So often girls settle because they've come to believe they can't get a guy who loves and respects them. Hooking up smart is about holding out for that – a big part of that is being able to identify which guys those are in the first place. And avoiding the guys who you know are going to be trouble down the road.

    We're all afraid of rejection, even the guys that act the douchiest. You sound pretty strong and confident to me – I think you know what you need to do. Just remember you deserve something real, and it makes no sense to waste your time on a “fake boyfriend.”

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  • Lisa

    what about girls who have broken up with the guy but still feel sad?? i don’t care how “ready” or “done” you were, you still miss him like hell! what’s the “penis in a blender” stage for us?

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  • WendyM

    Love the blog.Men can be such fools. Big stupid fools with Mickey Mouse ears. A good song for the playlist…Apoligize.

  • Carli

    Out tonight- RENT- stage 6

  • jj

    Two playlists. The first is for when you can’t stop crying. The second is for when you finally start feeling a bit empowered.

     

    Adele – Chasing Pavements, Melt my Heart to Stone, First Love, Someone Like You, Set Fire to the Rain, Turning Tables
    Amy Winehouse – You Know I’m No Good, Wake Up Alone
    Beck – Lost Cause
    Ben Harper – Walk Away
    Bill Withers – Ain’t No Sunshine
    The Black Keys – I Cry Alone
    Bon Iver – Skinny Love
    Catherine Feeny – Mr. Blue
    Coldplay – Fix You
    Colin James Hay – I Don’t Think I’ll Ever Get Over You
    Depeche Mode – Somebody
    Diane Birch – Nothing But A Miracle
    Dixie Chicks – You were Mine
    Feist – So Sorry
    A Fine Frenzy – Almost Lover
    Goo Goo Dolls – Iris, Here is Gone, Name
    James Blunt – Goodbye my Lover
    James Morrison – Broken Strings
    Jewel – Foolish Games, You Were Meant for Me
    John Legend – Heaven
    Johnathan Rice – End of the Affair
    Joss Stone – All the Kings Horses
    Kelly Clarkson – Walk Away
    Lauryn Hill – Ex-Factor
    Lily Allen – Littlest Things
    Mazzy Star – Fade Into You
    Ne-Yo – So Sick
    The Notwist – Polot
    Otis Redding – I’ve been Loving you TOo Long
    Pink Floyd – Wish you were here
    Postal Service – The District Sleeps Alone Tonight
    Sia – Soon We’ll be Found
    The Smiths – I Know it’s Over
    Snow Patrol – How to be dead
    Stars – Your ex-Love is Dead
    Tegan and Sara – Where does the good go
    The Weakerthans – Left and Leaving
    The xx – Stars
    Healing:
    Alanis Morissette – You Oughta Know
    Ashton Shepherd – Look it Up
    Ben Folds – Landed
    Ben Harper – Walk Away
    Beyonce – Me, Myself and I
    Billy Joel – My Life
    Bob Marley – Three Little Birds
    Cake – I will Sruvive, Never There
    Christina Aguilera – Fighter
    Christina Perri – Jar of Hearts
    Daniel Johnston – True Love will find you in the end
    Kristina Debarge – Goodbye
    India.Arie – Video, Heart of the Matter
    Joshua Radin – Brand New Day
    Keyshia Cole – Got to get my heart back, let it go, i just want it to be over
    Lykke Li – I’m good, I’m gone
    Mary J. Blige – Enough Crying, No More Drama, Not gon’ Cry
    Neko Case – I’m an Animal
    Nelly Furtado – Maneater
    OK Go – All is not lost, this too shall pass
    Rilo Kiley – Breakin’ Up
    Rose Royce – Love Don’t Live here anymore
    Sara Evans – A Little Bit Stronger
    The Script – Breakeven
    Shania Twain – Today is your day
    Sheryl Crow – Now that you’re gone
    Shirley Bassey – This is my life
    The Smiths – Please please please let me get when I want
    Stars – Your ex-lover is dead
    Tegan and sara – walking with a ghost
    whitney houston – i didn’t know my own strength, it’s not right but its ok
    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @jj
      Thank you, those are such awesome playlists! I think I will have to post them so everyone can see them.

  • Glasses

    Susan, you’ve got a great blog here! Congrats! My friends and I are fans, and we’re long out of college. I guess the hook-up culture is really everywhere, not just among the 20 year olds. It really is helping me move on after a guy just disappeared on me after an amazing series of dates and hook-ups. Anyways, I just wanted to make two comments on this post. 1) On eating everything you want. I get it, but how about actually working out and exercising more instead of eating as a defense mechanism. I’ve found that I’ve been even more motivated to work out because I really need to become better and feel good about myself when everything in my being wants to just cry my eyes out. It sends a really strong message to your own psyche that in spite of everything you’re still doing the right things. 2) Going through a list of everything that was wrong with him definitely wasn’t helpful for me. On the contrary, it sucked me back into the grieving and nostalgia and missing him. Because you used to find those sneezes and huge nostrils cute and endearing at some point, chances are you will want to see those things again. Plus, finding flaws with him now when you didn’t see any before would mess up with your head: you will start doubting your own judgement and assessments of all the situations you and the guy were in. You will start asking yourself: “Am I such an idiot that I wasn’t seeing all these red flags and weaknesses of his?” and not only will that not help you move on, it will also add a heavy burden to your sense of self-worth because you will doubt your own cognitive skills, which is hard to shake off once that happens. Also, that will dishonor your own feelings for the guy. Hey, if you fell for someone, that’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s very human, and you took the risk, and it didn’t work out. Fine. You enjoyed him and the relationship, and you weren’t wrong to feel that way. It’s just over now, so you need to acknowledge that, and learn to live with it. That’s all I wanted to say. Otherwise, sound advice, and it helps to know that everyone feels shitty once shit hits the fan.:) Thank you for your blog, again! We need to build our own community of counter-“Game” women. Also, I’d love to find more blogs like this: dedicated to building women’s strength in the trenches of love/hookup warfare. Would be great if you could make a post about this: What are some of the blogs and other online resources that are really good for that in your opinion? Thanks, Susan! MWAH!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Glasses
      Welcome, and thanks for the kind words.

      I am with you about exercise and good nutrition. I give a one weekend pass to indulgence, though. Heading to the gym is hard to do when you’re crying your eyes out :-(

      I think you’re right about cataloging a guy’s faults, unless they’re of the character kind. I do think it’s helpful to reflect on the ways in which a person might have been selfish, or rude, or dishonest. Sometimes it really is helpful to take a look without the rose-colored glasses.

      You might enjoy the new forum – there you can post any question and people will discuss. It’s only been up a few days and already there is a lot of action over there.

  • nikki

    I’m going through a break up now and cant seem to bring myself to delete his number or unfriend him. Looking back i can tell the relationship was very unhealthy but I’m still hoping he will change and realize the mistakes that were made and want to get back together. I don’t want to erase him from my life completely yet because i think there is still something there. He told me he didn’t want to be together anymore but then the next day he texted me and said “thinking of you”. I feel like we can work it out but at the same time i think he’s not ready for the type of commitment i am and I’m just playing with my own head thinking he will change. Ugh i need help. . . any advice

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @nikki

      I’m so sorry you’re suffering right now. But my advice is to move forward and let him go. If he changes his mind and wants to get back together, then what? Now you’ll be waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. The fact that he misses you means that he is ambivalent. You want someone who is not ambivalent, but sure they want to be with you. Good luck.

  • nikki

    Thank you so much!!! Its gonna be hard but i know its for the best.

  • Aly

    Excellent article and excellent advice. I went through all these things after my break up. It really helped. The only thing I regret is when I met him hours after the breakup and begged for a second chance… though it was probably only because it had been such a long relationship. I shouldn’t have done that, I could have walked away with my entire dignity. [But at least I cut off all contact afterwards]
    Plus, it hurt like a bitch when he coldly replied “No. No second chances” even though he broke up out of the blue… he’d been acting normal, he’d been affectionate the day before, we’d had a meal with his parents that same day… to say that this was the biggest shock of my life would be an understatement. I knew we’d break up someday, but I thought it would be gradual, I’d see signs or a difference in him, and that I’d be the one delivering the blow.

  • Kate

    Amazing Blog!!!
    Can I add?

    fefe dobson – ghost
    Shontelle – Say Hello to goodbye
    John Mayer – heart of life is good, slow dancing in a burning room
    Kelly clarkson – you don’t deserve me, sun will rise
    kate voegle – impatient girl, can’t break a broken heart
    colbie caillat – shadow
    florence and the machine – shake it out

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Kate
      Great suggestions! Thanks for commenting, check out new posts too.

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  • http://hookingupsmart Beth

    I really like this site. I only wish I could of read it earlier it helped alot. I just got out of a long term relationshit he wants to stay together. And or wait till im ready but if not he wants to remain friends but it will be so hard living on his. Couch isn’t. Fun I no were over I feel it but ? Why now is he buying me flowers if we agreed to stay friends. Why make it harder plus he flirts with me more expecially when his male friends come over? Y? Beth

  • Sunita

    “So often girls settle because they’ve come to believe they can’t get a guy who loves and respects them”….thank you for writing that, I thought I was the only foolish one! And it’s made me feel empowered to not ‘settle’ in the future, not worth it at all.
    I love your website, your posts and articles. Thank you.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Sunita
      You are welcome! Thanks for leaving a comment. Be sure to check out newer posts and/or subscribe. There are lots of great discussions in the comment threads on newer posts.

  • Sunita

    I actually found it very helpful to make a list of what I was getting out of the relationship and what all things I did not like….I realized that if we had stayed together I would have started to agitate about parts of his personality that actually quite troubled me like his sexually inappropriate remarks to my younger relatives perhaps (yes I’m older than most of you I think!), his thinking being quite focussed on who was sexy or not, and more where that came from… I used to be married to an alcoholic and was constantly focussed on trying to get him to change his behavior (grandiosity, lying, childishness and of course the drinking itself)…I realized I would have been doing the same thing with this guy except now focussing on trying to get him to be more ‘appropriate’. I’m now actually feeling quite grateful that he did something that forced me to break up with him (and so it was almost like he broke up with me if that makes sense to you!)

  • Robin

    I love all of your articles!!!
    I needed to especially read this one, because I am going through the exact same situation right now. :( He did the dumping on me.
    But I am getting on that upside, thanks for making me laugh, and sort this out through your own learning experiences!

  • Sophia

    Hand on your Heart- Jose Gonzales
    Land Locked Blues- Bright Eyes
    Start A War- The National
    Breaking Me- Jonny Lang
    You Could Be Happy- Snow Patrol
    Everything Trying- Damien Jurado
    Swans- Unkle Bob
    Fix You- Coldplay
    The Dreamer- The Tallest Man On Earth

    Perfect music post break up

  • Sazy

    Thanks for your blog… It really helped…. I thought I was about to die when he dumped me because he had made me feel like me. I was depressed and alone, crying every night and cutting myself to find happiness.. Then he came in my life… I was happy. My best frend used to thank him for bringing me back. Then he slowly started avoiding me and I thought there was another girl, or he just didn’t like me anymore. So I asked him… He denied for a long time and then I told him to tell me, no matter how much it hurts. After he told me not as much, I knew what was coming next. I was despo for a long time. Then I realized he wasn’t worth it… He dumped me over text which I felt was horrible on his part… He was perfect for me and everybody knew it… My best frend told me, he’s just not worth it… She told me that you fell in love with him without thinking…. You did this for him not for you… This article has definatly helped…
    Oh and a song!
    Teardrops on my guitar by Taylor Swift
    AND
    My heart will go on by Celine Dion.

  • Julia

    another great song is grenade by bruno mars but it’s better when Ariana grade sings it:)

  • Meg

    Also any songs from secondhand serenade are great while your crying.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Meg

      I totally agree! I love Secondhand Serenade. Thanks for commenting.

  • http://the-modern-society.blogspot.co.uk/ Antonia

    Part of Me by Katy Perry
    great blog btw :)

  • Henry

    Thank you so much. I’m young gay adult and I lost my lover of about a year recently. Its been five days and I’m being force fed. May main goal is to get a job and work. I loved him so much and still do. He loves me to but needed “to find himself” it was killing him apparently “but he needed time and space away from me” so he broke up. Its painful because before I moved away he would hug or kiss me. Or we would lie together. We would have wine and talk about it but he never wanted me back. I’m with my mom now still busy with a combination of stage two and three since I never made a point of memorizing his number so I always answer or read what he has to say since I’m waiting for a carreer opportunity to phone me. Its so hard. And so painful. Please email me more tips. Last time this happened I ended up almost killing myself with poison. . . I don’t wanna be there again. Please help Hcockcroft@gmail.com

  • Shaina

    Awesome article! Too bad it is always easier said than done:( I have been on again off again with my boy for the past 4 years and wish I could just move on. I always listen to any song by StrayLightRun when I am sad. Their songs are really depressing… anyway, thanks for the advice. Hope I can use it this time around.

  • Kai

    I found this blog while pecking around the internet on ‘Dating/dumping a Narcissist”. The idea of the only way to hurt one when breaking up is to ignore them (they HATE being the dumpee and no longer being the star in their own show). With that said, for the gal that posted she can’t bring herself to delete his number… think of it as a way to give him a dose of his own medicine. No one likes being the dumpee and replying back simply gives him a stroke to the ego after a blow while re-entering the dating scene. Don’t be his ego boost, let him rough it out on his own. Empower yourself to be loved by someone truly deserving. I’m not claiming by any stretch that it won’t hurt…but do you really want to be the ego stroke that boosts him to move on with another gal? I’m right there with you, desparately trying to wiggle and finally break free from his ‘hook’!
    Most cheerful sad song ever, every stage, definitely stage 6- ‘Gettin’ over you- David Guetta. Stage 1-2? Not ready to make nice – Dixie Chicks

  • Laurin

    This helped me so much and it’s true! Me and my boyfriend dated for almost 6 months, and the last month of dating we just kept fighting and fighting. We thought about taking “breaks” and we eventually did….thinking it would HELP us (well i thought so at least). And realizing it was a waste of time and just dragged out the hurt feelings and confusion. The break lasted a week or so, and i was a mess each day, crying myself to sleep 4 of those 7 days of the “break”. I wanted to end it with him. Soon enough, i heard from a close friend of his, “he didn’t want to be in a relationship, but he didn’t want you out of his life, that’s why he hasn’t ended the break, because he’s terrified to lose you”. Hah! Pathetic! He was too afraid to end the break with me because “he’s terrified of losing me as a friend”. WHAT?! How can you just be friends with someone you were falling in love with, and had so many memories with? What did he want? He wanted to keep me in his back pocket and be his “good conscious” since he knew i was the best girl he’s ever been with (truth, not just cockiness) He just wanted to string me along, and if he cared about our “friendship” at least, he would have ended in sooner, and talked to ME first like a man, and not pro-long it like a coward with a vagina.
    Breaks never work. And break-ups suck. Breaks can sometimes help you prepare your self FOR the break-up in my opinion. By the end of it, your emotions are all dealt with (to the best of your ability) and you can look at the big picture. Why did you break up? Were you TRULY happy? Was this guy making you a better person? What was the goal of your relationship? Could you see them in your future (marriage)? Could you trust him? Did you connect on a deeper level other than he’s cute and i just want a boyfriend? Do you have the same views on morals, religious beliefs, etc.
    I can answer everyone of those questions. And i realize, i was stupid to even fall for him. People even asked me, “what are you doing dating a guy like that? He’s so immature?” And one his friends even told me, “you honestly deserve better.” I heard that ALL the time while i was dating him, and i didn’t want to believe it because i wanted to hold on, and try to “fix him” He just wanted to drink, and hook-up and get some action and “live life”…….I was the opposite, i thought that stuff was a waste of time, and most people who do that every weekend are lost, insecure people who need to abuse alcohol, and hook-up just to feel “loved” because they never were loved growing up. I have never met a good, secure, confident, self-respecting, caring, intellectual person who does that. And that’s the truth.
    Girls always “settle” because of the feelings, despite knowing that the relationship isn’t “right” and doing either of you any good.
    That was me. I knew i wanted a serious relationship with someone with strong typical “christian” morals, who wanted to commit to me, and even possibly go the whole nine-yards. But the guy i dated, he wanted the exact opposite. But yet, he still continued on to date me, and i did that same. STUPID.
    I’ve learned my lesson the hard way. Never date someone who isn’t on the same page as you, morally, spiritually, and even “relationship” wise, and who is also politically different than you.
    You’d be wasting your time, and setting yourself up for heart ache, and i always knew in the back of my head i was holding onto something i tried to fix that was already too broken. And i never should be in a relationship to try and “fix” or “save” someone.
    You need to accept them for who they were and are. I never did that either.
    Man, this sucks learning the hard way. This was my first “heart break” and i’m glad it’s an easy one, because i was so wrong to even date the guy.
    And i realized, there is someone out there better for me, because i DO deserve better. And no girl should go through the pain of a heart break.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Laurin

      Thanks so much for leaving a comment and sharing your story. I hope you’ll return!

  • Hailey

    Excellent advice. Heartache is absolute hell to go through. I’ve went through it a couple times and always come out at the end stronger than I was before. But at the time the breakup happens I feel like its the end of the world, even though I know I’ll eventually get through it. I think the hardest part (for me) to get over is the loss of what I thought the relationship could of turned out to be. During my last relationship we discussed marriage and picked out our kids names. But in reality I already have a child and he wasn’t all that great with him, how in the world was I going to expect him to be great with our kids and be good with the child I already have? HUGE red flag. And another factor is his mother did not like me because she didn’t feel as if I babied him enough. Give me a break. The man can get his own food and drinks, I’m not his servant. I have gone through this breakup with him twice now, and have come to the realization that I shouldn’t have dated him the second time, we aren’t compatible. But my fantasy thoughts about getting married and not being alone forever allowed me to contact him again and give it another whirl. Unfortunately it had the same outcome, except his mother was even more demanding this time. Acting like his girlfriend! I couldn’t take it anymore and suggested he stop breastfeeding if he ever wants to have a big boy relationship. But the pain is still intense, I think it’s mainly because I don’t want him to be happy, at least not right now!! And I’m grieving over a loss of “what could have been”, instead of realizing the facts of a relationship that was never going to happen as I wanted it too. I am proud of myself that I have not contacted him since the breakup and have blocked his # and facebook (which is not what I did the first time we broke up, I may have stalked him a little), therefore no contact can be made. It hasn’t worked out for the second time; it is not ever going to work out.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Hailey

      And I’m grieving over a loss of “what could have been”, instead of realizing the facts of a relationship that was never going to happen as I wanted it too.

      This is a great point, so often we grieve not for what we have lost, but for what we have been seeking. This just means that you are still seeking rather than mourning. I think that attitude can help one move forward.

  • Sunita

    Hailey , I could so identify with you….grieving for ‘what might have been’.. somewhere I could see that ‘what is’ was not going to be OK, but my desire for the ‘might have been’ was so strong I stayed on….it wasn’t going to work. In my grieving I worked hard at loving myself again and giving myself loving and praises. Today I am able to see that yes I enjoyed myself while it was going on and that was good, I learnt things about myself, it got me back to loving myself so I’m in a good place now..you’ll get there too!

  • http://lindsayrappart.com Lindsay Rapp

    “We are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together” by taylor swift. :)
    just got out of a 6 year on and off relationship. It was hard because I thought we were on track to getting married. We had known each other for 10 years. I broke up with him before college, and he did everything he could to get us back together. When he was about to move on to another girl, I came back into the picture and we got back together to try out long distance and plan to never break up again unless it was for good. Well, it was rough because I constantly felt like i had to prove myself as a good, trustworthy girlfriend to his parents and to my boyfriend. I felt a wall with him when we were in person as well as far away. I tried so hard but something was off/aloof/different than the Ryan (that’s my bf’s at the time name haha) that I thought I was getting back together with. I didn’t feel good enough and disconnected, put my whole heart into it and felt it was all just hitting a wall. after almost a full year went by, I had my final straw after visiting him from PA all the way to CO. I was convinced I wasn’t important to him anymore and perhaps even a nuisance. After some personal mourning and crying, and not being contacted at all for over a week after arriving home from visiting him, I began on my own “checking out” of the relationship. I wanted to give it more time to be positive. After seeing him again, and still feeling the sense of him having “the upper hand” between us, and the power struggle there as well as lack of mutual trust in each other, so many things unshared between us, unknowns, lies, suspicions, whether perceived or real, how we are on different pages, emotionally spiritually and physically, and us both having walls up to “protect ourselves” —- it’s when you try to protect yourself and reserve yourself and not trust the other person that the relationship begins to deteriorate. Ryan told me that he strait from the beginning felt i was going to end things any week and didn’t trust me and wanted to protect himself. I felt it all along and it hurt me so bad, i wish he had never gotten back together with me if he truly felt that way about me. I spent so much time feeling like “the bad guy” or the “evil one” trying so hard to show myself as a loving gf. Love is blind. Love and fear combined…. Not only blind, but paralyzing. I was so scared to mess up again and be the “bad guy”. So many times I look back and I now think “why did I put up with how he made me feel like garbage?” I was so scared to lose him, to never find anyone who matches my “list of requirements in a husband” as him, and our 10 year long history was bonding. I just kept telling myself to stick it out cause when we are married and happy in the future it will be all worth this pain. As more and more problems arose I wondered more and more if he really is the type of husband I want, and if this is the type of relationship I want. I then was thinking how I had been more often miserable than happy in the relationship right now. My room mate advised me to think of what is best for me right now and stop having thoughts of the future paralyze me. Nothing I did to impress ryan ever felt like enough. I finally accepted I wasnt happy. This isn’t healthy. Although he’s a great guy and we were great together once, we aren’t great together right now. Something is wrong, and I was ready to take the risk of having an unsure future and throw in the towel. It wasn’t until he sensed I was thinking of breaking up that he all of the sudden became the most romantic boyfriend ever. He became the Ryan that I wanted right from the start. He became more attentive, romantic, caring, and everything. It almost made me mad, where was this when we got back together? where was this all year? Why now that all the sudden I’m about to leave he does this? I’m sick of the teeter tottering of power, never being on the same page, this game of cat and mouse, victim and bad guy, —- I didn’t want to lose him like he’s a part of me. and the thought of him with another girl drives me insane. but i felt us being together was wrong. and I was sick of ignoring it and giving it more chances. I gave 10 years of it. My room mate worded it pretty well for me. “I think you love him, but you are not IN love with him.” Here I am, 21 years old, half of my life spent with this one boy. We broke up not even a month ago, i was shaking nervous and spent months tormenting about whether we should stay together or part ways. After I noticed myself practically digging for ppl to advise me to break up, I knew that it was what I wanted. After a very calm talk with him, I felt he understood even though he felt I was giving up. I felt I was being fair. If you aren’t 100% sure about being in a relationship, you should not be in it. You are either all in or all out. My parents said they don’t always see eye to eye, they don’t always like each other, they don’t always want to be around each other, but they have never ever ever doubted their commitment and overall love that they have for each other and never for an instant consider not being with each other. So that is the difference. I didn’t know if I wanted to be with Ryan anymore. Honestly I felt a peace and sense of resolution after breaking it off. It is still very hard and sad, but I feel a lot better about myself, less confused, and a lot more free to be happy and myself. I’m trying currently to just keep a positive attitude, focus on myself, and try to not look at ryan’s Facebook or check up on him or anything. I’m sticking to my guns. When I catch myself fantasizing how he was so perfect and maybe i messed up, i remind myself of how sad I was and how I don’t want to go back into that same thing as before. Now is not our time, and it was definitely for the best. stay confident, be true to yourself, optimistic and keep pushing forward, don’t look back. and if you find yourself in nostalgia, just know it’s a fake fantasy making the past better than it really was. break ups happen for a reason. Never go into a relationship unless both parties start off on the right foot and on the same page. never let fear of the future compromise the happiness and logic of the present. If you always concentrate on making the present be the best it can be, the future will take care of itself. be true to yourself.

  • bella

    see my problem is/was that when I got dumped on skype after a 2 year long relationship, everyone and everything told me I should cut off contact and not see/talk to him, but that wasn’t an option. we had so many mutual friends, all my roommates were friends with him and one of my roommates was even dating his best friend, that if I tried to cut ties I would have been creating MAJOR drama and everyone would have hated me. so I had to suck it up and pretend like everything was okay all semester, which totally delayed my stages of getting over him.

    over the summer I didn’t see him at all, I was able to recoup and had lots of fun with my friends. I was looking forward to coming back to school especially b/c i was living with new people who he wasn’t friends. I thought maybe I was even ready to be friends with him (which is what he wanted).

    but the first week back from school I find out he had started hooking up with one of my roommates over the summer and had no intentions of stopping. so for the first month of school I had to deal with him sleeping with a girl I lived with….and still be wonderful and nice and friendly since otherwise I would be creating drama (I wasn’t really good friends with this girl, but my best friends were good friends with her)

    I was so hurt and upset…I didn’t and still don’t understand how someone who “loved” me for two years could consciously hurt me that much. Even now, 3 months afterwards, I’m still not over him because I feel like I never got any closure from the damn relationship (he never gave a reason for our breakup even after I asked him later, and then hurts me and when I confronted him he says he’s sorry and still cares about me but doesn’t change anything).

    I don’t know how to get over it at this point because its been almost a year and I feel like I’ve barely made any progress.

    The weird part is I don’t even want to get back together with him, and haven’t really wanted to for more than 6 months, because I actually want to date and explore. Despite that I still care about him and I wanted proof that he cared about me, and a reason why he broke up with me, for closure and understanding. But I’ve tried to get that out of him so many times and it just never works, so I’m at a loss.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @bella

      Here is where you are going wrong:

      everyone and everything told me I should cut off contact and not see/talk to him, but that wasn’t an option. we had so many mutual friends, all my roommates were friends with him and one of my roommates was even dating his best friend, that if I tried to cut ties I would have been creating MAJOR drama and everyone would have hated me.

      and still be wonderful and nice and friendly since otherwise I would be creating drama (I wasn’t really good friends with this girl, but my best friends were good friends with her)

      You need to do what is best for you, not worry about what everyone else thinks or wants.

      Remove yourself from any situation that makes you uncomfortable. Do not allow yourself to be in his presence at all until you are totally over it. That’s the reason you haven’t made any progress in a year. You were so worried about making others uncomfortable, you made life much harder for yourself.

  • Charmaine C. Cabanag

    The sign
    Since you’ve been gone by kelly clarkson
    So sick

  • bella

    @Susan

    The problem I keep coming to though is that I’m not so much worried about making others uncomfortable as I am about losing my friends. He is hooking up with a girl I live with and who is good friends with my best friends. Everytime I see this girl I think of him. By association if I want to stop seeing this girl and him I would have to stop seeing my friends and would have to avoid being in my own house. I don’t want to alienate myself from my friends so it seems like a lose/lose situation.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @bella

      That is a really tough situation. Could you talk to your friends about perhaps being more sensitive so that it’s not in your face all the time? Do they know you find it difficult? It seems to me that you need to get some distance, or way or another.

  • denise

    @Susan
    Will this also work for someone who was the one that left the other person. But is still terribly sad about it. Misses them and just wishes they could be together.. I didn’t wanna leave the relationship but I had too.. I thought that would be the hardest part, I was wrong. Its harder now, knowing that im the one who made it this way.
    And btw “breakeven- by the script” is an awesome song. Lol

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @denise

      Sure – both parties often grieve the end of a relationship.

  • kelly

    I’m having problems getting over my breakup because I was in an on and off relationship with my best friend. He broke up with me for another girl, and our first breakup was devastating for me because I had never experienced a breakup before. Their new relationship didn’t last long-only a couple of weeks, and a few months later we started hanging out again and I did certain things that I now regret hoping that it would make him come back to me. After that, we started officially dating again. We had been happily dating for about a month until he started acting weird and told me he didn’t know if he really liked me or if he wanted a relationship. It was out of the blue and I was very confused so I told him to think about what he wanted and the next day he apoligized to me and told me that he didn’t know what he would do without me. All while this was happening a girl was trying to get him for herself and constantly told him and her friends that she really liked him. I was very upset and told him that it would make me feel better if he cut off connections from her for awhile until she got the hint that he did not want to date her. He refused and started to hangout with her and this just left me confused until we started arguing almost everyday about this and it usually ended in me apoligizing for even bringing up the matter. Finally he told me that he could see how much him talking to her was bothering me and told me he would stop because he didn’t want to lose me. Things were good with us for another month until his grandpa passed away and he told me he needed a break. In this break he kept telling me how much he liked me and just made me so confused because we were still doing everything the same as we were while we were in the realtionship except we did not have the title. I found out later that week that he had started talking to that girl again and I confronted him and he told me that he had never stopped talking to her and that he wasn’t sure if he liked her or not. At the same time he kept telling me that he loved talking to me and he thought we could be together easily for the rest of our lives. I was done with all of this and I stayed up to talk to him and figure out his thoughts on everything. He told me that even though we could easily be together he would rather date, (and basically claimed that realtionships at his age should just be about doing stuff and getting experience and your “man card”) other people, meaning that girl. He also informed me of the things he did with the first girl that he brokeup with me for, which he had lied about earlier. The only reason I had taken him back was because I thought that they had not done anything and their realtionship was a joke. He asked me to be friends with him right after he told me that he was going to leave me for the other girl. I told him that i could not be friends with someone who treated me like this and just played me and only kept me around for when I was useful for him. Im so confused and hurt because I thought I knew him so well. I’m not sure what to do now, because he was such an important part of my life and we just connected and got each other, its like losing a best friend all over again. I know its better to cut off all contact but it is weird not talking to him because our whole breakup happened in the span of a week and we still talked normally throughout it the whole time. I want to keep contact with him because we are so close and it was so hard to be without him the first breakup because I could talk to him about anything. At the same time he has hurt me so badly multiple times and I honestly cannot see him the same as I did before he told me all these terrible things. I havent cried this whole time and I feel like Im over him, but not the ways that he made me feel. I just need some good advice!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Kelly

      He’s not a good guy. He has manipulated you time and again, selfishly doing what’s best for him without any regard for your feelings. My advice is to never speak to him again. I know you’re hurting, but you will heal. Put your energy into that, don’t waste one more second on this guy.

  • Monique

    I find it really interesting that in the first and second stages focus on a guy dumping a girl. When sometimes, it’s the girl dumping a guy? I suppose that it can seem more common for the guys to leave. I do think though that when you leave someone, it can be easier for you to recover because you already saw the reasons to leave? I’ve also found some things here really useful!

  • jenx

    First ever time of being dumped (first boyfriend of four years) stuck in stage five i cant begin to tell you how helpful it to read this you’ve struck the nail on the head with every single detail and although of course i know im not the only one to experience such a shit time its comforting to see its all girls together with the recovery thankyou

  • Preity

    Hi. . I was in a three years long relationship that I was extremely satisfied about When I met this other guy in my office and after casual flirting we started goin around. .I fell head over heals for his alluring nature and great sense of humour. .Although he made all the first moves. .I admired him and had a very strong sense of attraction towards him. .This new love in my life had made me grow distant from my previous relationship. .But Suddenly one day I find out that this new guy in my life already has a girl and is in a serious Relationship that even his family is aware of!!

    Shocked!! Surprised!! I somehow let the two old lovers be together and make a decision to step out. .Step out from their lives and step back in into my own relationship that I had wronged So much!!

    But lo. .As soon as all this happens. .this new guy cuts all contact from me. .and I suddenly start feeling pathetic. .I crave his presence back in my life and I cannot do justice to the relationship that I am in. .I sob . .I cry. .And I start living a sad life with no charm left in my existing relationship. .And I finally break up with my old bf for all I longed for was this new guy to come back in my life. .

    Months passed by. .And what seemed impossible slowly started turning possible . .This guy started making the first moves to initiate contact and I give in to his attempts. .We go out . .talk a lot. .but there is one question still unanswered. .Was he being just a friend? Or more than friends? Was he out of his previous relationship? Or Was this two timing again? I never had the courage to ask him this for fear of loosing him . I was just so happy at the thoughts of having him back in my life. .

    Intimacy increased and we slept together. .It seemed as if everything was Perfect! Just Perfect! This guy was always so caring. .so sweet. .AndI did not want anything else. .He was the world to me!

    I got a new job.Had to move to a new city. He quit his job too and came with me looking for a new job!We planned to live in together but that did not work out partly for inadequate funds and partly since his willingness to live in kept decreasing over time!

    We used to stay out every weeknd. .Make love. .It was like a perfect Love tale. .He was caring nice and evrything. .But one thing that always bothered me was that he was never too verbal of his feelings. . “I love you ” is what I would have heard just five-six times during the entire duration of 1.5 years. .And that too when I made the first move. .I always thought maybe the memories from his past are too fresh to say all this. .

    I enquired if he had broken up with the girl in this past and he always said he did. .Not Once but many a times. .directly . .Indirectly!!

    SO FAR SO GOOD!!

    Then Comes a shock. .It was his Birthday. .And I tested Positive for pregnancy. .My World came down. .

    He remained supportive and we got an abortion done. .It was a medical not surgerical process and repeatetive visits to the doctor were required. .
    In the meantime we had to visit our hometown. I came with him. .

    I stayed at my place.He stayed at his and after a stay of say ten days we returned. .

    And It was then that he started behaving strange. .Avoiding. .Ignorning. .and all that. .
    For the next two months. .we saw each other only for Doctor appointments. .Nothing more. .It was one hell of a time. .I wept and couldnt understand the reason for his growing indifference. .I tried to talk to him about this but he only said it was my rudeness and unjustified behaviour that had made him cold towards me. .But somewhere I knew it was not true! There was more to it. .

    Suddenly, One fine day he became all OK. He wanted to see me. .Go around. .we even stayed together. .But this was all ON and OFF. .We would be good one day. .And then the next he would act too cold and distant as if we wernt even friends. .

    I was hurt and a final setback came when I confronted him and he told me that When at our home town he had made out with the girl of his past and signalled as if there was no break up between them ever. .or even stated foolish stories like he did break up but the girl in question had thought he was just taking some time out and had finally patched up again. .

    It was like a blow to me. .I was still undergoing the side effects of a bad abortion. .And if things grew worse the doctors had pointed out at the inability to ever conceive again. I felt cheated. .Used. .Trashed. .

    I was with him here. .Helping him in his odd times. .financially and emotionally. .when he was going back to that girl. .accepting gifts from here. .and cheating on me. .

    We sat down to talk and he said he would give it a try to make things work within us. .But all of that was fake. .A false try just to show that he tried and Since it did not work he had reason enough to leave me n go. .

    I had grown sour and bitter. .And was trying hard to flush all my feelings for him and move on but the medical complications were making it all the more worse. .
    I was broken. .I even spoke ill to him many a times threatening him that he couldnt walk out leaving my life all in a mess. .But deep down I loved him. .I still do..I was afraid of loosing him. .

    Then came time to visit our home town again. .
    He did not even notify me about the time of his flight. .He went around with the other girl. .

    We finally had another showdown when I was revealed a fact that the other girl had also been pregnant with him but that was long before I even met him first. .

    He said he had intentions to do good to me nad rectify his deeds but his cations always showed as if he wanted to run away. .

    Finally its been a month now. .The guy stopped taking my calls texts. .not answering emails. .I talked to his mom. She says forget him and do not interfere in his life. .

    And I continue to live with everything alone. .I feel trashed. .I have feelings of revenge. .At times I feel I want him back. .Disappearing suddenly is the worst you can do to anybody. .What should I do?

  • amanda

    Thank you sooooo much for this article. I feel so happy that someone has shared the actual stages correctly. I am going through a divorce, but it feels more like a break up because we rushed into it, and seemed like after 6 months it was impossible to deal with eachothers issues, after the divorce was finalised.. I suddenly felt like I needed him back, thought we could work thorugh every thing the second time around.. but I know its not possible.

    The reason im so touched by your blog is because of how honestly you write, I seriously went through these stages exactly how you presented them here, made me feel normal :) especially after reading tonnes of other superficial articles after typing “getting over him” in google :p

    Please continue, lots of love and support, amanda

  • amanda

    @preity

    Im so sorry about the abortion, and the chance to never conceive again, hopfully u will.

    As for the guy, what a douche.. sorry about my language, but hes confused and playing with yours n this other girls feelings. Yes he was sweet n charming, treated you like a princess but when things got tough.. he ran away. Found sollice in another girls bed. U r kind hearted and will find someone worthy enough for u.

  • Wendy

    Glad I found this. After 4.5 yrs with my boyfriend he announced this weekend that he had found someone new – he met her only a month ago. I asked him if things were OK as he had been acting a bit weird for a couple of weeks – he told me that he was going to say at the end of the weekend, but he hadn’t wanted to “spoil it” for me.
    Shock is all I am feeling at the moment – think the anger etc might appear soon.

  • Preity

    @amanda

    Thanks Amanda!!

    I m trying to cope up . But I got really hurt today when i found out his pics with the name of the other girl tattooed on his arm.Made me feel sick and disgusting. Some lessons are learnt the hard way.
    Lord, Please help me let go! Amen. .

  • No good men left

    @preity
    I went through something similar. Hang in there, things get better after awhile. Follow steps on this page :)

    I started dating this guy from work. He said he left his wife (married for 8 months). We have worked together for a few years so we already knew each other. He was always my good friend/coworker and he admitted he was always attracted to me. He then moved in with me. After 2 months, I accidentally got pregnant and he urged me to get abortion. I found out he was still married! Fortunately there was no complication it was very very early. He then moved back to wife to ‘try’ to work things out for a week and got her to believe the marriage was beyond repair. She agreed to sign the no-contest divorce paper and moving out of their place. During that time, I felt betrayed and was devastated and came to this page to follow the steps to get over him. The only thing i didnt do was cutting contacts because it wasnt possible (we work together everyday).

    Then he came back to me and I was stupid enough to take him back. I really love him but today it hit me i’m no different. He will leave me just like how he did to his ex. He has become more and more less supportive and less caring. I broke up with him (pretending to be strong but dying inside) and he got very angry. The problem is we work together and its hard to get over someone you still see everyday. It’s not possible for me to change job. On top of that he just got promoted and will be my boss?!? I’m a little bit afraid of backlash at work.

  • Little A

    Great article!! My boyfriend of 4 years dumped me a week ago over skype. He has been emotionally abusive for the past a year but I was holding on because I love him. I accepted when he yelled at me when he asked me for help with his work, he hit the table and yelled often, he gave me countless silence treatment, but I loved him so I still took care of him in everything, even when it’s 4 a.m he was drunk and wasted. He dumped me out of the blue, saying that he couldn’t stand my 2 weeks of depression – which was caused by him actually, and that even was 3 months ago. I came to realized what made me hold on to our relationship was the illusion of his old self, and all the future dream he sold me. The hardest part is the beautiful memory and that we were so close to marriage.

    Your article makes me feel more positive that I can go through this, realizing that I should start taking care of myself and my own happiness. Friends n family helped with spiritual healing as well.

    Hilary Duff – So Yesterday
    Beyonce – Best thing you’ll never had
    Beyonce – Irreplacable

    Those songs help me feel stronger ;)

  • Chris

    Soundtrack suggestion:
    Wayne County & The Electric Chairs – F**k off

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