Wisdom from the Land of the Penii
UCSB, College Hookup Capital of the World
Last week I posted You’re Welcome, Guys! and invited any guys enjoying Hooking Up Smart to write a guest post offering a male point of view. Right away I heard from Mike Hendel, and I’m delighted to welcome him today as our first ever guy guest blogger! A little info about this dynamic guy:
Mike Hendel is a 22 year-old senior at the University of California, Santa Barbara. He is a Sociology major who emphasizes Speech and Conversation Analysis in order to understand the science behind communication. Living in the small and unique student enclave of Isla Vista, CA with 13,000 college students in a 0.6 square mile, he’s been able to witness first-hand the social interactions among the hormone-raging, occasionally inebriated, and very diverse student body.
By Mike Hendel
You may have asked yourself at one point in your life, “What is the best way to get a guy’s attention? Will he notice me if I play hard-to-get or is it better to take charge and approach him in a friendly, open manner?” The answer lies not in being one, or the other, but rather a mixture of both, to the point where we, as guys, can’t resist. We like when you play hard ball, the challenge and the chase is exhilarating, but we need encouragement that we are making progress. It’s much easier then you think to capture our attention, but I don’t want you to think we are too easy, because it’s harder to hold it.
Learning how to balance the two ideas is an individual discovery. You have to be comfortable with yourself and your game in order to keep us engaged. A girl who plays “hard-to-get” for too long can come off as a “never will get” or a “bitch.” She may not be. She may be the sweetest girl in the world but we tend to only chase for so long before we let up and let go. The most common reason that we lose interest in the “hard-to-get” girl is that no one in is worth the time, energy, and effort if there is no end in sight. Men are hunters, we love the chase, but if it lasts too long you may outrun us and we are bound to notice another girl that seems more promising.
On the other hand, the overly friendly girl can come off as a walk in the park. It is pleasant, easy to do, and always there, but from my personal experience, I don’t go to the park every damn day. The girl that throws herself at me makes me think less about her and more of what I must be doing right, and how many more girls I can get. It’s a major confidence booster for us, but that’s not what you’re after. You’ll end up calling us players or assholes because we have moved onto something a bit more challenging. It’s just not fun for us to have someone so, dare I say, easy. It leads guys to think that we must be that good, that someone we thought we had to chase actually chased us. It may be fun in the heat of the moment, but we respect the saying that “patience is a virtue.” We prefer to wait and chase you, hoping to eventually have a meeting of minds (and possibly tongues).
The girl I am seeing now is a good mix of the two. I love being in her company, but she’s no easy catch. I respect her for that. Both of us have independent lives, so in order to see each other we have to handle our own priorities first. She has work, her studies, and a social life of her own. Her being so independent adds spice. These are the things that make her worth the chase when I want her most, the things that add to her being “hard-to-get.” There are times I would like to see her but she reminds me she has work, I would love to kiss her but she has a paper due in two days, etc. Upholding these obligations gives her a perfect “hard-to-get” quality. When she is busy with her own life, I engage in my own activities, my work, and my friends.
I miss her, but because she is so friendly and open, I know she will approach me when she is free. Then it is extremely comforting and rewarding to get a text, or a call, asking if she can see me. I know at this point she has done everything she had to do, she feels comfortable giving me her time, and we share it together. It makes me as a guy feel accomplished that this “hard-to-get” girl has decided to spend her “open” time with me. It is being well-rounded that completes the way she handles relationships. To me, she has focused on her own individual self and has a life that is worth pursuing. She understands that I respect her and gives me a little more day by day.
Guys love a girl who treasures her individuality, who does things for herself, and who is confident. That is a girl worth pursuing. We will pursue, but we also need you to let us know that you notice and appreciate our efforts. We want you to have a complete and fulfilling life, but we also want to think we can add to it. Show us that and the perfect mix of ”hard-to-get” and “open and friendly” will come together. One warning, however: once you do find the balance, hold onto it. Stay independent, and live your own life. A relationship shouldn’t change you; remember what you were like when we realized you were worth pursuing. That is the person we want to be with.
So what do you think? Let’s have some comments for Mike! And if you have suggestions for a topic you’d like to see him address, note that too. You can also reach him through the About page here.
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i agree to some extent with this article.although i do think 'the chase' only applies to the very beginning of a relationship. there comes a point that the chase should end and the guy should feel special when his girl puts aside some of her other priorities to see her guy.this shows she cares and is interested in building a relationship that is less about playing a game and more about getting to know him.
Hey, Taylor, thanks for commenting. I agree with you about the chase. There is bound to be some pushing and pulling at the beginning, but it's so good to get to the point in a relationship when you know you don't have to worry about seeming too interested. And that the relationship really is about the two of you getting to know each other and spend time together without the game-playing.
Taylor, thanks for replying – my first. I am glad you brought up the 'chase' part of relationship building. There definitely is a time when I think it should cool down a bit and make a transformation but not stop completely. I do think that keeping some sort of excitement level in the relationship involves 'playing' but maybe not in the same sense that it did in the beginning. An example, from my perspective, would be giving clues throughout a day to where that person could find you, or drawing a map and giving a time (there really has to be no reason other that when they show up you just tell them it was because you wanted to catch lunch). At this point you are showing that you still want that person to have fun, that you are creative, and that you are now putting more thought, effort, and time into them in one way or another. All us guys like a challenge, even if it is after 4 months or 4 years of dating. Getting to know you involves not just talking but also how the both of us think outside the box.
Taylor, thanks for replying – my first. I am glad you brought up the 'chase' part of relationship building. There definitely is a time when I think it should cool down a bit and make a transformation but not stop completely. I do think that keeping some sort of excitement level in the relationship involves 'playing' but maybe not in the same sense that it did in the beginning. An example, from my perspective, would be giving clues throughout a day to where that person could find you, or drawing a map and giving a time (there really has to be no reason other that when they show up you just tell them it was because you wanted to catch lunch). At this point you are showing that you still want that person to have fun, that you are creative, and that you are now putting more thought, effort, and time into them in one way or another. All us guys like a challenge, even if it is after 4 months or 4 years of dating. Getting to know you involves not just talking but also how the both of us think outside the box.