Sex and the City Has a Lot to Answer For
Samantha Jones, Sex and the City
“He did something to me that was so perverse! Okay, I’m just going to say it. He tried to hold my hand.”
Samantha Jones
Samantha Jones is a fraud with an attachment disorder. Here’s a woman who thinks the perfect Saturday afternoon involves a three hour session alone in bed with her vibrator. She claims to have “hundreds of soulmates” and demands that her sexual partners leave “an hour after I climax.” She spends the entire series trying to decide whether a stable relationship is her thing, and in the movie we see her decide that it isn’t. She dumps Smith Jerrod, a gorgeous, sweet, adoring partner so that she can have a relationship “with herself.” Okaaaaayyyy. Whatever floats your boat, honey.
However, Samantha’s pretending to be a liberated female who can have sex like a man is a lie. She’s a damaged female who is sexually omnivorous, and should probably be seeking treatment for sexual addiction. She proudly describes herself as trisexual, i.e. willing to try anything once. The problem arises when we romanticize Samantha. We call her an empowered woman who is not beholden to any man. She is smart, successful, and pulling lots of gorgeous male ass in her forties.
How many girls in middle and high school watched Sex and the City from 1998-2004? Many, many girls. My daughter watched it religiously, and I watched it with her. It was well-written, fun, entertaining. It contained priceless moments that have entered the popular culture. Who can forget Berger’s dumping Carrie on a Post-it note? Or Miranda’s, er, sloppy kisses with the guy from Weight Watchers? We both enjoyed Sex and the City, and I was glad my daughter was willing to watch it with me. It was mother-daughter time. It was definitely a stretch for her age, and I plead guilty to poor judgment on that front.
Now, though, I can see how warped it was. Sex and the City was a great show about friendship, but it was a crappy show about sex. Research shows conclusively that women and men experience sex differently. Very differently. They imagine it differently, crave it differently, experience it differently and value it differently. They have different hormones surging before, during and after sex. And why should that surprise us? It’s as plain as the nose on Carrie Bradshaw’s face.
Many young women bought into the myth of Samantha. Now that they’re sexually active, they believe they should be able to have sex like a man, and they feel guilty when they can’t maintain emotional distance. Samantha was viewed as a role model for the sexually liberated woman, but I wouldn’t wish her life on anyone. Women should not be judged for having sex with whomever they please, but let’s not pretend women have sex like men. Because they don’t, and that’s a good thing. We should celebrate the way we have sex, because we’re happiest when we are true to our natures.
Study after study illustrates that men’s sex drives are not only stronger than women’s, but much more straightforward. The sources of women’s libidos, by contrast, are much more difficult to pin down. It’s common wisdom that women place more value on emotional connection as a spark of sexual desire. But women also appear to be heavily influenced by social and cultural factors as well.
You can read the full article at WebMD: Sex Drive: How Do Men and Women Compare? (See end of article for Sources.)
Here are seven patterns of men’s and women’s sex drives that researchers have found:
1. Men think more about sex.
- The majority of adult men under 60 think about sex at least once a day.
- Only about one-quarter of women report this level of frequency.
- As men and women age, each fantasize less, but men still fantasize about twice as often.
- Men reported more spontaneous sexual arousal and have more frequent and varied fantasies.
2. Men seek sex more avidly.
- Men want sex more often than women at the start of a relationship, in the middle of it, and after many years of it.
- This isn’t just true of heterosexuals; gay men also have higher frequency of sex than lesbians at all stages of the relationship.
- Men say they want more sex partners in their lifetime.
- Men are more interested in casual sex.
- Men are more likely to seek sex even when it is frowned upon or even outlawed: Prostitution is still mostly a phenomenon of men seeking sex with women, rather than the other way around.
- More men masturbate, and they do so more frequently.
3. Women’s sexual inclinations are more complicated than men’s.
What turns women on? Not even women always seem to know. Northwestern University researcher Meredith Chivers and colleagues showed erotic films to gay and straight men and women. They asked them about their level of sexual arousal, and also measured their actual level of arousal through devices attached to their genitals.
- For men, the results were predictable.
- Straight men said they were more turned on by depictions of male-female sex and female-female sex, and the measuring devices backed up their claims.
- Gay men said they were turned on by male-male sex, and again the devices backed them up.
- For women, the results were more surprising.
- Straight women said they were more turned on by male-female sex. But genitally they showed about the same reaction to male-female, male-male, and female-female sex.
- Men are very rigid and specific about who they become aroused by, who they want to have sex with, who they fall in love with.
- By contrast, women may be more open to same-sex relationships thanks to their less-directed sex drives. They won’t necessarily do it, but they have the capacity.
- Studies showing that homosexuality is a more fluid state among women than men. Women are more likely than men to call themselves bisexual, and to report their sexual orientation as a matter of choice.
4. Women’s sex drives are more influenced by social and cultural factors.
- Women’s attitudes towards (and willingness to perform) various sexual practices are more likely than men’s to change over time.
- Women are more influenced by the attitudes of their peer group in their decisions about sex.
- Women with higher education levels were more likely to have performed a wider variety of sexual practices (such as oral sex); education made less of a difference with men.
- Women were more likely than men to show inconsistency between their expressed values about sexual activities such as premarital sex and their actual behavior.
5. Women take a less direct route to sexual satisfaction.
- For women, desire originates much more between the ears than between the legs. There is a need for a plot — hence the romance novel. It is more about the anticipation, how you get there; it is the longing that is the fuel for desire.
- Women’s desire is more contextual, more subjective, more layered on a lattice of emotions. Sex is simpler and more straightforward for men. Men seek intimacy, love, and connection in a relationship, just as women do, but view the role of sex differently.
- Women want to talk first, connect first, then have sex.
- For men, sex is the connection. Sex is the language men use to express their tender loving vulnerable side. It is their language of intimacy.
6. Women experience orgasms differently than men.
- Men, on average, take four minutes from the point of entry until ejaculation, according to Laumann.
- Women usually take around 10 to 11 minutes to reach orgasm — if they do.
- Among men who are part of a couple, 75% report that they always have an orgasm, as opposed to 26% of the women.
7. Women’s libidos seem to be less amenable to drugs.
- Men have embraced drugs as a cure not only for erectile dysfunction but also for a shrinking libido.
- With women, however, the search for a drug to boost sex drive has proved more elusive.
- Testosterone works much faster in men with low libidos than women
- The treatments are not as effective in women as in men.
- In a large survey published in the journal Obstetrics & Gynecology last year, 40% of women reported some sort of sexual problem — most commonly low sexual desire — but only 12% report feeling distressed about it.
Embrace the differences. They keep life interesting. Do you agree?
SOURCES:
Edward O. Laumann, PhD, professor of sociology, University of Chicago.
J. Michael Bailey, PhD, professor of psychology, Northwestern University.
Glenn Braunstein, chair, department of medicine, Cedars Sinai Medical Center, Los Angeles.
Esther Perel, couples and family therapist, New York City; author, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic.
Baumeister, R. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 2001; vol 5: pp 242-273.
Baumeister, Psychological Bulletin, 2000, vol. 126, pp. 347-374.
Shifren, J. Obstetrics and Gynecology, November 2008; vol 112: pp 970-978
Laumann, E. The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States, 1994, University of Chicago Press.
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How would it be possible for Samantha to have an emotional connection with many of her lovers when she spent time with them for maybe 8 hours or less? I don't think it's possible to have an emotional connection that quickly to someone you hardly know. When Samantha found that emotional connection she usually wound up dating the guy, i.e. Richard. While your sources are truthful it doesn't account for all women, just a majority of women. It is possible for some women to engage in large amounts of nsa sex. They may be engaging in this kind of sex, because they are choosing to not be emotionally attached, but that is an entirely different issue in itself. Basically, not everyone are genetically predisposed in the same way.
I disagree. Re Samantha, you said it: she never spent more than 8 hours with anyone. She kicked everyone out before she could possibly form an attachment. The only emotional attachments I am aware she formed were with Richard and Smith. Richard was a playboy who never tried to really know Samantha, and vice versa.
I agree that not every woman is identical. The need for emotional connection is on a continuum, I think, and can vary between women, and also at different points in one's life. In my own life, there were times when I engaged in NSA sex, and times when I chose to be in a relationship. But Samantha is presented as a woman who is 100% disinterested in and incapable of a relationship. She throws away Smith because she prefers to be alone. She ONLY chooses NSA sex, which she demands constantly.
I just don't think it's believable. As I said, I think she's a fraud developed by the male creator of SATC. If she does exist, it's in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
I'm not ready to write Samantha off. I totally totally totally get what you are saying about the influence she has had on young women. But I am not sure she is a fraud. Well, she is a fraud in that she is a TV character and TV characters are all types. If TV characters were as complicated as real people we would never get an entire story resolved in on hour. And I think that there are some women who are Samantha's TYPE. Some women have sex like men and want sex like men and it works for them. They are bachelors essentially: They love being on their own, have the means to live their lifestyle on their own and have sex on their own (hey, I have no problems with spending a saturday afternoon in bed with my vibrator, it sure beats hooking up with honey guys from craigslist) or casually.
Because Samantha represents a TYPE, she has been simplified, as have the other characters.
In regards to Sex in the City, I'd like to say to young women: none of these women exist. You most likely identify a little bit with each of them and that is totally normal because you are not a fictitious character but a real woman. You are going to be more complex and more interesting than any of these women. So go with what makes you feel good and worthy and whole.
I find Samantha's behavior just as damning as Carrie taking Big back (again) at the end of the movie. Carrie is a type too and just as neurotic. So is Miranda. So is Charlotte.
I love your message to young women! It is important to remember these are fictional characters, and as such are two-dimensional. I definitely agree that all four of them are incredibly neurotic, though charming too. As I said in the post, the friendship dynamic works for me. I love them as a foursome.
As I think and write about the hookup culture, though, I attempt to identify its influences. I honestly believe that Sex and the City has had a profound cultural impact on the women who are now 18-28 or so. For better or worse.
Oh, and Singlutionary, I know I'm a stupid romantic, but I loved Big going to Paris to win Carrie back. That was a very satisfying ending.
I'm loving this blog! I saw the comment on themagdalenesisters.blogspot.com. Sex and the City is INDEED a huge influence on women — 18-28. I think you all make some great remarks, and I wonder if Singlutionary ever checked out the oxytocin argument. Check out this blog: http://hugthemonkey.com/. Loving it! Glad to have found you! Looking forward to more!
Thanks, Edith, and welcome! The oxytocin argument is 100% real and proven by legit scientific research. Might be the biggest hormonal difference between the sexes. Yet, I am amazed that some writers trash it as some kind of conservative claptrap! I say let's have an intelligent debate that respects the facts.
Did Big go to Paris at the end of the TV show? I think I was OK with that. It was the MOVIE ending that offended me. When she went back to get her shoes and he proposed in the closet. But I might be getting it all mixed up cause I am not a huge watcher of the show.
Anyways, I agree that the recent portrayal of all romantic and sexual relationships in our entertainment has been kinda out of whack. There isn't much soul left in the programs we watch and the examples of sex and romance are very misleading.
But I agree Sex and the City did show an awesome friendship (not particularly realistic for friendships to last that long or for friends to all stay in the same city, etc but good to see the women having each other's backs like that) and powerful, independent women who aren't going to “settle”.
How does the Oxytocin argument relate to this? I looked at Edith's link and googled it but I don't “get” the connection. Maybe I am daft! Please educate me. Is Samantha low on oxytocin? If she is, I might be too. Although I think the bulldog licking the chimp was adorable.
I think Edith is just pointing out that there is indeed a physiological reason why women engage emotionally during sex. In fact, because oxytocin floods our systems after sex, we wind up feeling connected to the guy even if we don't like him! That stinks. I've never heard that oxytocin levels vary among women, unless there's a hormone imbalance or something. I don't think Samantha is low on oxytocin, I just don't think her behavior is realistic or even possible over the long-term. That's why I called the character fraudulent. She's not true to life, IMO.
Ohhhhhhh. OK. Thanks! I can say that after having sex with some idiot, I sometimes feel like he is that little chimp and I am the bulldog. But then again, sometimes I feel that way about an idiot without having sex with him and that is why I end up doing it with him.
I get your point that Samantha isn't a realistic character, but I also don't think she's a “bad” one, either. As but one person in a show that's centered around four female character, each possessing vastly different personalities, Samantha shows that now matter how out of the mainstream your life is, you can go ahead and live it. She has an openness to new experiences, in fact, that I wish many girls would embrace. She tried having a relationship with a woman once, found that she wasn't into threesomes while in a semi-committed relationship, and found that a long-term monogamous relationship just wasn't for her. What struck me about her character wasn't that she “has sex like a man,” but that she's just a woman who doesn't fit into the stereotypical female roles.
While Samantha's lifestyle may not be one that every woman in real life can follow, I think the whole point of her character was to show women like her (those who don't want to have children or to marry) that it is okay to be who they are. And when she said she wanted a relationship with herself, I understood completely. I don't plan on having children or getting married (of course, who knows what the future holds!), but something that really matters in my life is defining who I am–stripping away the influences of society to find what matters to me at heart. I think what Samantha realized is that she feels she can't be in a monogamous, long-term relationship until she understand who she is herself. When she entered into a relationship with that model guy, she ended up losing who she was and dedicating herself to him. It seems logical to me that she'd want a “relationship with herself” after she lost so much of who she was, fun-loving and spontaneous.
Also, I read the statistics you posted about male and female sexual responses. What concerns me about them is that nothing about societal influences is examined. WHY do women masturbate less than men? WHY do so few women in relationships report regular orgasms vs. the men? WHY do men say they want more sex partners in their lifetime? You write yourself that “Women’s sex drives are more influenced by social and cultural factors,” so I don't understand what the listed statistics are supposed to prove. Is it that men are somehow more sexual than women? If that's the case, then I would wholeheartedly disagree. I think many of the reasons for differences in male/female sexual practices can be traced to societal influences, such as the idea that women are “sluts” or “impure” if they initiate sex, masturbate, etc.
While I do think society has a lot to do with why women aren't as sexually assertive as men, I'm not disagreeing that perhaps biology has something to do with it. But I really want to caution against chalking it all up to genetics… I don't have any information on me, but I think it would be interesting to compare sexual practices across cultures, because I know in the past (for example, Japan during the Heian Period), long-term monogamous relationships were a rare wish for both men and women.
Steph, thanks so much for commenting. I really struck a nerve when I wrote this post, which is understandable. So many women grew up on SATC, and loved it. I disagree with your description of Samantha. I would say that for the most part, the only new experiences she's open to are sexual. She is not open to connecting emotionally, really, with anyone but her girls. She is fun-loving and spontaneous, but seems incapable of relating to men in ways that don't include sex. Her spontaneity is entirely sexual. I do think SATC did a good job of portraying and validating different kinds of women, not just Samantha.
You raise an interesting point about the study I cited in my article. It's true that research answers a lot more of the WHATs than the WHYs. Studies are designed to measure the effect, but the causal relationships are a lot more complicated to discern. I don't believe I said that men are more sexual than women as a blanket statement; I'm no expert. What the research shows conclusively is that men think about sex more than women, require less emotional connection to enjoy sex than women, and orgasm more than women.
Personally, I think men are more sexually motivated than women. Just look at prostitution. Men are the only sex that will break the law and spend resources in order to get sex. And that has probably been true since penises and vaginas crawled out of the primordial soup.
I do agree that women are far more subject to social and cultural factors. The double standard around sex for women thrives, despite the Sexual Revolution. Women are still subjected to a standard of “purity.” I would indeed be interesting to compare sexual practices across cultures. For example, the cultural practice of genital mutilation robs women entirely of their natural ability to orgasm.
Steph, there's been an interesting conversation going on re a new series I wrote called “I Married a One-Night Stand.” Check it out, I'd love to hear your thoughts.
As far as I know oxytocin effects men in a similar manner, and the oxytocin mechanism occurs in the male brian. I know that goes against your whole dogma and narrative, but there you go.
Um, I guess you don't know very much. Google it and learn. Oxytocin is indeed released in the male, but its effects are dampened significantly by testosterone.
I also watched Sex and the City on a regular basis. It's fun because, sexually, i started off as a Charlotte (I was a 15-year-old virgin when the series began, and because of my upbringing, I was very conservative, close-minded and also, a hopeless romantic), throughout the series, i was more like Carrie, being passionate and sexy, but still quite the romantic, and now at 25, i think i've turned into a Samantha, cynical, direct and overly sexual. I think this series definitely influenced me and my girlfriends. It allowed/encouraged us to actually start an open, honest conversation about sex when we before would blush and giggle. It has also changed the way i think about sex, how i now feel entitled to have sex like a man, and TO ENJOY sex like a man. Whenever i hook up, it's absolutely because i really want to, i actively pursue my sexual pleasure and i always climax (I've never had a one night stand though).
I do agree with many of your points regarding Samantha, but i can't say she's a fraud. Even though, I'm not one of them, I do know women who do not want to ever get married, who do not want to have children and who feel absolutely free of attachments when it comes to sexual relations. Honestly, I think I'm more of a fraud than Samantha is, because I know I want a committed relationship, but keep settling for hook ups. Mainly, because I am a very sexual person, I need sex in my life and I can't find any decent guy who i like enough to have a relationship with. I also think that, partially, my current Samantha behaviour is probably part of the process of exploring my sexuality and trying to know my self better. I know it just a TV Show, I know those characters and situations are exaggerated versions of reality, but for what it is, to me, that series changed my world.
Melissa, I think it's fascinating that you have been three of the four characters at different times in your life! I've never thought about it, but it's possible that it's quite common. It's also good to hear that SATC opened up a dialogue among your friends and essentially gave you permission to really enjoy sex. Living in Boston, which is very liberal, I really didn't consider what young women are dealing with in much more conservative places. So that's good.
You're right, it's important to remember that these characters are fictitious, but they wouldn't have struck a chord with millions of young women if they couldn't relate in some way. I haven't ever met a Samantha, though. You may be highly sexualized like Samantha, but you yourself say that you want a relationship, which makes you a very different creature than she is. I'd like to think you wouldn't dump Smith, for example. To be honest, the whole Smith/Samantha story line is not plausible. There are many women his own age just as sexual and attractive as she is. I don't think he'd ever go for a woman her age. Ashton Kutcher would argue otherwise, though.
Hi Susana. I want to add that I really enjoy your blog. I commented on other post before and I think it's so kind of you that you always reply and care about the people that follows HUS. I'm from a Latin American country, where everything is way more conservative than in the States. However, I lived in NYC for a year and I know live in Madrid, to me it's very interesting to experience the cultural differences when it comes to relationships but i also recognize some issues that are pretty universal (at least in the western world) and i think that's one of the reasons why Sex and the City is so popular worldwide.
I also want to comment more on my current situation and perhaps i could have your opinion on it. I've been hooking up with a guy that initially, i didn't like much – physically, he wasn't my type, but i was really impressed by the way he treated his family and friends. He is very positive, affectionate and smart. Even though, he seemed attracted to me at first sight, I dismissed him almost automatically as boyfriend material – because my friend (who Is his BFF) warned me that despite him being the sweetest guy in the world, he's also a player and a womanizer. She said he usually hooks up and then dissapears and the only way to keep him around is by not having sex with him. However, one night we went out clubbing, we got drunk and hooked up. Despite the randomness of it all, it was amazing sex. He didn't dissappear though, and we've been hooking up for almost two months now. The first month we hanged out a lot as friends and hooked up only 2 or 3 times. Yet, the last month we've been having sex every time we get together. We even made a road trip together (it was his gift for my birthday) and had a lot of fun. He has introduced me to his friends, calls me every single day and is always making plans for the two of us. The interesting part is that we actually had THE TALK, before we had sex, and I was the one who stated that I wasn't looking for a relationship, i said i could never be in a relationship with someone i can't trust, i'm not the jealous type and i really rely on trust because i expect fidelity in a serious relationship. The thing is that his attitude is increasingly 'boyfriendly' towards me, in our last “date” last friday, we went for dinner & a movie, and he'd be holding my hand, giving me pet kisses, watching me (not the movie) the whole time, and when we went back to my place to have sex, the sex was completely different than before. He'd be looking me at the eye the entire time, telling me sweetnothings and kissing me and cuddling me. I'm not sure I want a relationship with him for the same reasons i didn't want before. Do you think ´pick up artists´ (and he's definitely one i might add) ever change? I think I'm starting to feel emotionally attached to him.. Do you think I should leave now before it's too late? Or should I give it a try?
*Sorry about this long, long post!
Melissa, I really appreciate your sharing such personal information with me, and I will try to live up to your expectations. But let me say first that I am really interested to hear how attitudes toward relationships are different where you're from~ I suspect/fear that American hookup culture is being exported to countries all over the world, and I would like to hear whether you think that's true.
As for your particular situation…I am going to be very direct here. You have played this well. Basically, you have all the power in this relationship right now. I'm going to take your word for it that he is a player. Usually, when women tell players they are not interested in a relationship, they are not credible, and the player waits patiently as the woman gets needy and demanding. You haven't done that. You may be that rare woman who can tame/break a player. Natural players rarely change – their power over women is just too intoxicating. But a pickup artist is different – he's employing tactics to get laid, but he may be open to a relationship. In fact, that may be what he wants most of all, because he is not truly an Alpha male. He is a beta in alpha clothing. I'm not sure where your guy fits in.
Either way, he is clearly very into you. The question is: is it all about the hunt, or will he be as attentive if you reciprocate his feelings? You retain the power as long as you remain a puzzle. It's not surprising that you would feel emotionally attached after all that sex – you've been flooded with oxytocin, the “bonding” hormone every time you orgasm, which makes you bond to him whether you like him or not. The question is: Is this a man you can enjoy, respect and admire? Can you love him for who he is?
If the answer is yes, then your best strategy is to maintain the upper hand as long as possible. Wait for him to initiate another TALK – my guess is it won't be far away. When he does, you should be open about your misgivings, and he should understand that he needs to prove himself, or convince you.
I've gotta say, though. Sex with all that eye contact sounds INTENSE. Enjoy it! Bottom line is go for it, unless the tide turns. If he starts withdrawing, jump ship immediately. He's got a rep, and there's a reason. Don't let yourself be his next casualty.
And I really, really appreciate you giving me such honest opinion and wise advice
In Latin America, or at least in my country, there's still a lot of that endangered chivalry going on. Guys are the pursuers, the ones doing ALL the work. But it's a double edge sword, because there's also a very remarkable double standard when it comes to sexuality. Guys are very much entitled (and are often encouraged, even by their mothers and sisters) to have as many sexual partners as possible while girls are supposed to be virginal and pure until they get married. Funny thing is, most girls aren't. Most girls start having sex on their teen years (earlier or later, depending on education and social class). We still have the traditional dating system, but it's now intermixed with the Hookup thing. Yes, it was imported from the States but I think it will never have the same impact in some Latin american countries simply because they're smaller, everybody knows everybody and guys are more territorial. If they really like you, they will not let anyone else to think they have the slightest chance with you. However, culturally, guys are very prone to cheating. They're very good at it, you can rarely tell when they're cheating on you, unless you catch them in fraganti.
In Spain, it's completely different. The first noticeable thing regarding relationships is the equality of genres. If anything, is the girl here who has the upper hand. There's a lot of feminism going on, and many girls would even get mad if a guy tries to pay for a date. Guys respect a lot the Spaniard girls, but still, people here start having sex first and then, if they like each other enough (after about 8 months or so) they start a serious relationship. It's funny because my Spaniard friends call me a teaser, because when i really like a guy i try not to sleep with him right away. They don't understand the whole point behind it and trust me, I've had this discussion with them numerous times.LOL.
Back to 'my guy' as you call him
he IS a player. Not only had my friend told me all about it (and they used to be flatmates) but also, before we hooked up, we used to go out in a group of friends and he would always leave with random (and not-so-random) girls, that would never hear from him again. Also he once confessed to me that he had cheated on most of his ex-girlfriends.
I am very enthusiastic when he calls me and when he asks me out I always say yes. But I have never called him, not even once, and I have never proposed any plans for the two of us. This makes me wonder the same thing you wonder, is he up for the hunt or because he really likes me? I've had sex with him without much difficulty, but emotionally, I’ve been clearly more inaccessible. Meanwhile, I have no idea if he's seeing someone else. He certainly spends most of his free time with me, but truth is we only see each other on the weekends, because he lives an hour away from me, so I really don't know if he's seeing someone else on week days at his town.
- Is this a man I can enjoy, respect and admire? Can I love him for who he is?
I don’t know. I was reading your post regarding why women end up in a house full of cats (I really liked it, I’ll comment on it later) and I am aware I can be quite picky myself. He could be a lot taller; he could be more interesting, he could be more artistic, whatever. I also like many things about him, he’s very smart, funny, he has a hot body, he treats me very well and he is unbelievably good in bed. Seriously, this is about the best sex I’ve ever had. And the more time I spend with him, the less time I want to spend with other potential mates. I didn’t go out with him last Saturday, and other guy I used to like a lot finally asked me out on a real date and I said no! I simply had no desire to go out; I just stayed home daydreaming and remembering the night before – it was so HOT. That’s why I think I’m entering dangerous territory, I’m getting too attached.
But I think I’m just gonna do as you say. I’m gonna keep playing it cool and see what happens. I mean, he is being very nice to me. I’ll just keep my eyes open, just in case.
Thanks a lot Susana. You definitely surpassed my expectations
All I can say is: the best sex you have ever had? That's worth A LOT. Please keep me posted, I'm dying to hear how this turns out!
Susana, you're so smart. My hookup invited me to a Halloween party with his buddies. I was the only girl in a group of 8 boys. It was a lot of fun. His friends knew everything about me and one of them, even introduced me as his friend's girlfriend to someone else (I was like, whoa!) And yes, 'my guy' did try to initiate 'The Talk'. Except I didn't let him. Basically, i was trying to hook up one of his friends to cute girls i saw (bc this particular fellow, although extremely hot, is curiously very timid) and i said to my guy: -damn, all the pretty girls here have boyfriends! and he answered: – yeah, I've noticed, and you are the prettiest girl here, do you have a boyfriend? I wanna know if I'm your boyfriend, you know? DAYUM, i immediately thought of you, LOL. Well, i just laugh it off, and said something about the decoration of the place…On a side note, it was very convenient that he's a GUY, imagine a lil role reversal, if he was a “she”, i would have never gotten away with changing topics, LOL. it also helped me that it was a crowded party as opposed to a more intimate setting. But we're gonna have dinner on Tuesday and i KNOW he'll try again!!
YES! Way to go! You are one very cool girl. You are the player, haha! Well, you didn't ask my advice, but as I said before, you should make him prove himself. If he scores the goal too soon, it'll be game over. Tell him you know his rep. I can't wait to hear how he jumped through hoops. Sorry, I know I'm being cynical here, but I just love it when one of my girls gets the upper hand!
Hi Susana. I was traveling a lot for work so I didn't see 'my guy' until today, and apparently those were just beer emotions, since we went to have dinner and had a long walk and he didn't say a word about 'us'. I didn't either, but i got a little frustrated -because i thought he would! – and i mentioned that i may go back to my home country – which is true. I didn't like his answer, he said with a smirk, 'now i've got another reason to go there'. He didn't say anything like 'i don't want you to leave' or 'i want you to stay here'. He just gave me practical advise, for me to make a decision. He said, 'if i were you, i would stay here' but he didn't say anything about feelings or missing me, etc. However, he is consistent regarding everything you noted on the integrity post – i just read it. We didn't see each other in a few days and he was oh so eager to see me today. He called me as soon as i got off the plane. And, Susana, the sex is just so good. I can't believe how good it is. Nevertheless I'm starting to feel weird about the whole situation. I don't feel used or anything like that and I don't really want it to be exclusive – in fact, i kinda don't want to. But i feel like this is not my thing. I don't wanna keep having meaningless sex with someone i don't love. I love sex, and I want to have sex but i want it to be important and emotional and a real expression of something, not just some pleasurable physical activity. It's funny because initially i was looking for a good hookup, with someone with integrity. I missed sex so much when i wasn't having it and now that i do, and it's great i want to quit! Am i crazy? Something really embarrassing and unexpected happened to me today. The sex was amazing, i had an orgasm so long and so intense it shook something inside of me. Suddenly, i had so many sad emotions and it was so overwhelming that i had to run to the bathroom and cried and cried and cried. I was crying because i felt this was supposed to happen with my true love. I might be a drama queen but i felt so lonely and sad. I still do.
Oh, sweet Melissa, I am so sorry for all your emotional upheaval! It is clear to me that despite your love of sex, like most women you are not able to have sex with zero emotional attachment. That is nothing to be ashamed of, it is part of being a woman, so embrace it. It sounds like this guy is employing some strategy – not wanting to be pussy-whipped, even tho I think that is exactly what he is!
If you could be emotionally intimate with him, fall in love even, would that make you happy? Given what you are feeling, I want to tell you to lay all your cards on the table. (I wrote a post about this, Say What You Need to Say). He knows you are strong, he knows you are not needy and desperate. So how about telling him exactly what is on your mind? It sounds to me like you cannot pretend any longer. So tell the truth, be your strong and forthright self, and let the chips fall where they may.
That's what I would do, if I were you. Which of course, doesn't guarantee success. But it will clarify things, one way or the other.
xoxo, I'm thinking of you.
I read that post -Say what you need to say- and i loved it. And it's definitely my style to say what i need to say, for better or for worst. But i don't think it's the same situation. In your case, you were certain you had feelings for him, you knew what you wanted. You even liked him as a person before you guys had sex. If I had real feelings for him, if i were sure, i would tell him. I'm not playing it cool; I'm not pretending. I am simply not in love. I wasn't sad because I need some sort of labeling between us (as in boyfriend & girlfriend) i was crying because i want to have true feelings, i want love. Do you think it would be a mistake if i just call it quits? I don't want to play with nobody's heart (not even a player's who, I agree, is employing strategies). Maybe I should just wait for the real deal, maybe I should develop an emotional connection first, despite the odds of that to happen in the hook up era we're living in. Of course, I could become a modern times Elizabeth Bennet, attempting to find love and happiness despite the constraints and proprieties of society -at the risk of becoming a spinster, LOL-, except that the constraints and proprieties of society are now sex-related, as oppose to money and status. On the other side, I wonder if this is just a result of my great romantic expectations –as in ‘the Cinderella syndrome’. Should I stop the self-created drama and hang on and see what happens?
If you do not have real feelings for him, and you are sure about that, I say end it. The sex may be good, but there are several disadvantages to “halfwaying” it with someone. The main one is that it uses a lot of physical and emotional energy (see sadness after sex) that you could be saving for yourself and someone new.
It is hard to develop an emotional connection with a man before sex in our time. One way it can happen is through friendship. However, women are programmed to connect. Hell, we fall for men we don't even like much if we're having sex with them. If you're having sex and NOT falling, I'd say it's just not in the cards. You are so much better off moving on.
I know it sounds corny to hope for a Mr. Darcy or a Prince Charming, but I wouldn't give up on the dream of a real and powerful love. Don't settle for a man you aren't crazy about. That's where the drama is coming from – drama is about conflict, which is what you feel.
I say get back out there, meet new people, try new things, and see what happens.
Thank you Susana! You're the best! i'll keep you posted
If you do not have real feelings for him, and you are sure about that, I say end it. The sex may be good, but there are several disadvantages to “halfwaying” it with someone. The main one is that it uses a lot of physical and emotional energy (see sadness after sex) that you could be saving for yourself and someone new.
It is hard to develop an emotional connection with a man before sex in our time. One way it can happen is through friendship. However, women are programmed to connect. Hell, we fall for men we don't even like much if we're having sex with them. If you're having sex and NOT falling, I'd say it's just not in the cards. You are so much better off moving on.
I know it sounds corny to hope for a Mr. Darcy or a Prince Charming, but I wouldn't give up on the dream of a real and powerful love. Don't settle for a man you aren't crazy about. That's where the drama is coming from – drama is about conflict, which is what you feel.
I say get back out there, meet new people, try new things, and see what happens.
Thank you Susana! You're the best! i'll keep you posted