7 Loser Guys to Waste Your Youth and Beauty On
Peter Pan, A Case of Arrested Development
It’s easy to understand why women get really discouraged as they look around, especially on college campuses. Even the cutest guys become repulsive by virtue of their behavior, which often ranges from idiotic to crass to just plain rude. Most of these guys will probably turn out great. They’ll mature and settle down to be the nice men their mothers raised. But when? Their late 20s? 30s? How long do women really have to wait for mature, meaningful communication with the opposite sex?
Michael Kimmel, author of the book Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men, explains that guys are taking a lot longer to grow up these days. The most important thing to most guys is the opinion of their buddies. Hooking up is not about sex or even intimacy. “If sex were the goal, a guy would have a much better chance of having more (and better) sex if he had a steady girlfriend. Instead, guys hook up to prove something to other guys. The actual experience of sex pales in comparison to the experience of talking about sex.”
So what should you do if you are looking for a real connection with a guy under the age of 28? You settle in, you live your life with integrity, and you refuse to compromise. You maintain your standards and demand respect, honesty and kindness from men. Because if you do compromise, and you take up with a guy who isn’t ready, you are wasting enormous emotional energy, not to mention time.
Oh, you don’t like that plan? What’s that you say? Oh, OK, you figure you might as well just go ahead and kill time and have some fun while you’re at it. Well, then, here is my list of 7 Loser Guys to Waste Your Youth and Beauty On:
- The Player
You all know this guy. He jumps from crush to crush. He pursues girls until he gets his ego boost and then he moves on. What’s tempting about the Player is the idea of taming him. You’ll be the one to make him crazy for one girl. Hahahahaha. And when you do, you’ll be dating a guy who has callously used girls for years. But he probably knows his way around a vagina; he’s been in dozens, maybe hundreds! Whoo, hoo! Break out the penicillin!
Favorite line: “I really like you a lot.”
- The Selfish Prick
This guy is all about the booty call. He’s vague about his plans until late, so that he can explore all his options. He hides you by night-splitting: first he sees his friends and then he wants to hook up with you alone afterwards. He is usually wasted by the time he texts you to hoof it on over to his place at 3 a.m. He believes he is entitled to an orgasm, and assumes that you will happily provide that service. If you’re lucky and he’s really on his game, he’ll let you sleep over and may even pee on you in the middle of the night. You suspect he might be a vampire because he never tries to see you when it’s light outside. The coolest thing about this is that you can pretend you are dating Edward Cullen.
Favorite line: “You can blow me if you want.”
- The Ten
This is the hottest guy on campus. Lots of girls can’t resist going for the boy that everyone else wants. And hey, if he’s got his beer goggles on, you might get lucky! Just think about the bragging rights! You will get to have shitty sex with a really hot guy, tell all your friends about it the next day (they will be sooooo envious), and spend days on end wondering if your phone has been accidentally set to vibrate. But the story will end happily; nothing is wrong with your phone, he actually never tried to call!
Favorite line: “Hey, I’ll call you! What’s your name?”
- The Ambivalent
The Ambivalent does like you, he really does. But…well, he’s just not sure he wants a relationship right now. He loves the time you spend together, especially when his bros are busy. It’s the best of both worlds! He is a free spirit. When you’re together, he can be incredibly demonstrative and affectionate, but the truth is, you are just not a priority. This is a blessing, because all girls hate it when a guy calls all the time and is eager. The Ambivalent is never eager.
Favorite line: “I had more fun with you this weekend than I had with you last weekend!”
- The Peter Pan
He is the greatest kid. Boy. Goofball. At this point in his life, what he wants most with you: sex! What he wants most with his friends: video games, porn, beer, sports, to burp and fart, more beer, adventures, antics and the subsequent stories to reminisce over. Oh yeah, and to talk about the sex he has with you.
Favorite line: “Dude! Watch me do another keg stand!”
- The Bonehead
He means well. He does. He just tends to forget stuff. Like saying he would call. He really did intend to call before 2 a.m., but then the plans didn’t really get made, and, well, “Why don’t we just do something tomorrow instead?” He is literally unable to say where he will be in an hour’s time, but don’t you just love a guy with a little mystery? He’s all over the place, and he is guaranteed to keep you guessing and keep things interesting.
Favorite line: “I’ll make it up to you tomorrow, I promise. Seriously? I thought you were going back to school next week.”
- The Emotionally Unavailable Bastard
The EUB may have been tortured as a child in some way. This makes him an interesting project. You will have a lot of fun trying to be everything for him. All the love, all the attention he seems to crave and need. You will be so busy filling his emptiness that you won’t even notice that he has never actually given you anything. No worries! You will learn to appreciate gems like, “I do care, it’s just that I’m not very open about my feelings.” And his jealous rants! How flattering it will be when he goes insane any time you act friendly with another guy. How gratifying that he cares enough to punch someone’s lights out over you!
Favorite line: Silence. (His response when you tell him you love him.)
Who have I left out? I don’t wanna hurt the feelings of any unworthy dudes!
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I'm like a combo of the Emotionally Unavailable Bastard and the Selfish Prick, minus the rudeness and inability to express feelings. I'll tell you I love you, but I'll hate pretending I want to be at your stupid grad ceremony.
Well that doesn't sound so bad. Without the rudeness and inability to express feelings, you could be an OK kinda guy….IDK – would you say you are relationship material? And here's the critical question: will you come to the stupid grad ceremony even tho I know you don't want to? If so, you get bonus points for honesty AND affection.
Thanks for commenting!
It's possible I am smitten with The Bonehead. How awkward for everyone.
Haha, well for what it's worth, The Bonehead is often charming and has a good heart. Which is a huge plus. If you're going to waste time with one of these guys, you're best off with The Bonehead, with Peter Pan coming in second.
P.S. The Bonehead can often benefit from going back on the Ritalin that he thought he had outgrown
i'm with ambivalent.
Kate! Thanks so much for coming to HUS and commenting! Is Ambivalent the guy who turned you down to hang out with the lads? Ugh. The Ambivalent is a tough one because he is about 80% of the way to being a great boyfriend. It's often a case of timing: either he still has some growing up to do, or he just doesn't want a relationship for whatever reason. He's not truly available.
My ex was a boneheaded, emotionally unavailable, ambivalent, selfish prick. Some weekends he was charming and affectionate; some weekends he would carelessly neglect to return my calls; some weekends he would flake out on plans with me; some weekends he'd booty text at 2 am. The “I do care, it's just that I'm not very open about my feelings”, “Why don't we just do something tomorrow instead?”, and silence in the face of an “I love you” could have been lifted verbatim from conversations we had. I tried really hard. I gave him plenty of space, and I was lucky to talk to him once a week. I even offered unsolicited oral sex from time to time when I did see him, which of course he never reciprocated. He didn't love — or possibly even like — me anymore, but didn't want to admit it and hurt my feelings.
I don't still love him, and I know he was a shitty boyfriend, but I still find myself apologizing for him and chalking up things that may well have been bastardly or prickish to mere boneheadedness. But I'm resolving not to put up with that bullshit anymore.
clandestine, thanks for weighing in. He does sound like a horror. Actually, I know a guy exactly like this. I'm sorry to learn there are two in the world. I am really sorry you endured that. It sounds like he hurt you deeply.
It's not surprising you find yourself still making excuses for him – I'm sure you got very good at that while dating him. Also, it's hard to acknowledge to ourselves that we allowed someone to disrespect us so completely. The worse he is, the worse you feel about putting up with him. That will diminish in time. In the meantime, I am soooo glad you won't put up with that again.
I hope you will come by HUS often and be part of the conversation, you have a lot to add!
This was an awesome post! (great site btw. I've been looking for advice like this for ages)
what im wondering is
Could it be possible to know a ambivalent bonehead, who has a peter pan complex , and has become a bit of a player due to ‘emotional’ problems (aka an emotionally unavailable bastard?)
Because I think I do. And I think I spend too much time around him.
and do you think he'll ever change?
Of course he will never change! I know for sure that people can't change each other, only life experience can change a person. And it sounds like he is downright toxic, so he must have had some pretty traumatic life experiences to make him that way. It's hard to believe there are guys out there who are all of the above, but I've known a few. I would say: GET OUT NOW.
Thanks for commenting, Greenfieldnews! Hope to see you again.
OMG!! This was like reading about all my relationships! This could have been called “7 loser guys U HAVE WASTED ur youth and beauty on” actually my last boyfriend was a combination of The Emotionally Unavailable Bastard, The Selfish Prick, and The Bonehead lol
Hey Fiore, thanks so much for commenting! I'm glad you can laugh about it all – waiting for guys to grow up is just part of the human condition, I'm afraid. Hopefully, you've learned to avoid the most toxic of these types. In time, the more benign knuckleheads are bound to mature, and some of them will probably make excellent catches then!
I tried and failed (correction, i AM trying and failing) to avoid all these shenanigans by dating someone 12 years older than me (the awkward part of that one was discovering we have the same zodiac symbol…you're a rabbit? wait no, I'M a rabbit). He is certainly ambivalent and selfish, and augments these charming qualities with obvious disdain for my naivete and non-worldliness. No, I don't know anything about sailboats or mechanics, but he might find that my brain isnt full of styrofoam if he asked me about anything I'm interested in or studied in school…Still dating him (even though i see him about 2x a week) because I hate the thought of being lonely while looking for someone new.
Aarrrrrggghhhh, Nancy! Well, first, nice to meet you, thanks for commenting. Lots of women wind up dating idiots because they don't want to be alone, but I think that's a really bad idea. Because 2 nights a week spent with a jerk means 2 nights you could be meeting someone new. Also, I think we telegraph emotions. If you're in a crappy dating situation, that affects you and there are probably lots of ways you communicate that subconsciously. Better to be open and available. Think about it….
I tried and failed (correction, i AM trying and failing) to avoid all these shenanigans by dating someone 12 years older than me (the awkward part of that one was discovering we have the same zodiac symbol…you're a rabbit? wait no, I'M a rabbit). He is certainly ambivalent and selfish, and augments these charming qualities with obvious disdain for my naivete and non-worldliness. No, I don't know anything about sailboats or mechanics, but he might find that my brain isnt full of styrofoam if he asked me about anything I'm interested in or studied in school…Still dating him (even though i see him about 2x a week) because I hate the thought of being lonely while looking for someone new.
Aarrrrrggghhhh, Nancy! Well, first, nice to meet you, thanks for commenting. Lots of women wind up dating idiots because they don't want to be alone, but I think that's a really bad idea. Because 2 nights a week spent with a jerk means 2 nights you could be meeting someone new. Also, I think we telegraph emotions. If you're in a crappy dating situation, that affects you and there are probably lots of ways you communicate that subconsciously. Better to be open and available. Think about it….
I am LOVING this blog because almost every article is relatable. Yeah…I've definitely been with and met guys who have had a combination of many of those things. I don't understand why they can't be NORMAL…why this is such a pattern in so many guys. I thought I was the unlucky one but didn't realize so many girls are with guys like this..and that so many guys can even be like this. We're 21…adults..but college guys act sooooo DUMB.
Hahaha, yay! You're my most prolific new commenter! Tell your gf's about my blog – I am always eager to find new readers!
Soooooooo dumb. The good news is, once you're out and in the real working world, guys do start to mature and stop acting like such knuckleheads. The change will be gradual, but it will get slowly better from here on out. Hang in there!
Sorry to dredge up a several month old thread, but from the perspective of a 24 year old male I thought I should point some things out with regard to college aged guys possessing one or several of the above listed traits based on some observations about my peers:
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You state “I don’t understand why they can’t be NORMAL…” Well, I hate to break it to you, but it appears to me that for whatever reason, these states of being in a great many cases IS “NORMAL” for guys in that phase of life. Sucks for you ladies, I know, but sadly it seems to be a part of the developmental process for many guys that they go through a period of acting on negative character traits they may possess in order to “get it out of their system” before extracting their heads from their sphincters, suppressing those traits, and moving on with their lives.
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I too am baffled by all of this (actually, as you’d come to find, there are a lot of things “most” “normal” people do and/or purport to “need” that I am baffled by) because I fail to see the value in ever acting in any of these ways when approaching a relationship. Not only are the behavior patterns extremely unhealthy for all involved, they also manage to all but destroy a person’s reputation on a number of levels — especially when many are non-discriminate about when and where they engage in whatever foolishness they’re into at any given moment.
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Personally, my view is that developing a strong sense of self-sufficiency and a healthy level of contentment with being alone when either between relationships, or when not ready for a relationship is a great virtue. There is nothing at all wrong with embracing your time alone while focusing on greater goals which will ultimately enrich your future relationships in far more profound ways, and skipping over that phase of living in poor taste altogether.
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I think it would be much healthier for guys to approach their relationships in a mature and dignified manner once they’re beyond any urges they may have to act like emotionally unavailable, ambivalent, boneheaded selfish pricks with perfect ten looks and the nickname Peter Pan — in large part earned because of their virtuosic abilities as players.