7 Loser Guys to Waste Your Youth and Beauty On

April 1, 2009


Peter Pan, A Case of Arrested Development

Peter Pan, A Case of Arrested Development

It’s easy to understand why women get really discouraged as they look around, especially on college campuses. Even the cutest guys become repulsive by virtue of their behavior, which often ranges from idiotic to crass to just plain rude. Most of these guys will probably turn out great. They’ll mature and settle down to be the nice men their mothers raised. But when? Their late 20s? 30s? How long do women really have to wait for mature, meaningful communication with the opposite sex?

Michael Kimmel, author of the book Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men, explains that guys are taking a lot longer to grow up these days. The most important thing to most guys is the opinion of their buddies. Hooking up is not about sex or even intimacy. “If sex were the goal, a guy would have a much better chance of having more (and better) sex if he had a steady girlfriend.  Instead, guys hook up to prove something to other guys.  The actual experience of sex pales in comparison to the experience of talking about sex.” 

So what should you do if you are looking for a real connection with a guy under the age of 28? You settle in, you live your life with integrity, and you refuse to compromise. You maintain your standards and demand respect, honesty and kindness from men. Because if you do compromise, and you take up with a guy who isn’t ready, you are wasting enormous emotional energy, not to mention time.  

Oh, you don’t like that plan? What’s that you say? Oh, OK, you figure you might as well just go ahead and kill time and have some fun while you’re at it. Well, then, here is my list of 7 Loser Guys to Waste Your Youth and Beauty On:

  • The Player

You all know this guy. He jumps from crush to crush. He pursues girls until he gets his ego boost and then he moves on. What’s tempting about the Player is the idea of taming him.  You’ll be the one to make him crazy for one girl. Hahahahaha. And when you do, you’ll be dating a guy who has callously used girls for years. But he probably knows his way around a vagina; he’s been in dozens, maybe hundreds! Whoo, hoo! Break out the penicillin!

Favorite line: “I really like you a lot.”

  • The Selfish Prick

This guy is all about the booty call.  He’s vague about his plans until late, so that he can explore all his options.  He hides you by night-splitting:  first he sees his friends and then he wants to hook up with you alone afterwards. He is usually wasted by the time he texts you to hoof it on over to his place at 3 a.m.  He believes he is entitled to an orgasm, and assumes that you will happily provide that service. If you’re lucky and he’s really on his game, he’ll let you sleep over and may even pee on you in the middle of the night. You suspect he might be a vampire because he never tries to see you when it’s light outside. The coolest thing about this is that you can pretend you are dating Edward Cullen.

Favorite line: “You can blow me if you want.”

  • The Ten

This is the hottest guy on campus. Lots of girls can’t resist going for the boy that everyone else wants. And hey, if he’s got his beer goggles on, you might get lucky! Just think about the bragging rights! You will get to have shitty sex with a really hot guy, tell all your friends about it the next day (they will be sooooo envious), and spend days on end wondering if your phone has been accidentally set to vibrate. But the story will end happily; nothing is wrong with your phone, he actually never tried to call!

Favorite line: “Hey, I’ll call you! What’s your name?”

  • The Ambivalent 

The Ambivalent does like you, he really does. But…well, he’s just not sure he wants a relationship right now. He loves the time you spend together, especially when his bros are busy. It’s the best of both worlds! He is a free spirit. When you’re together, he can be incredibly demonstrative and affectionate, but the truth is, you are just not a priority. This is a blessing, because all girls hate it when a guy calls all the time and is eager. The Ambivalent is never eager.

Favorite line: “I had more fun with you this weekend than I had with you last weekend!”

  • The Peter Pan

He is the greatest kid. Boy. Goofball. At this point in his life, what he wants most with you: sex! What he wants most with his friends: video games, porn, beer, sports, to burp and fart, more beer, adventures, antics and the subsequent stories to reminisce over. Oh yeah, and to talk about the sex he has with you.

Favorite line: “Dude! Watch me do another keg stand!”

  • The Bonehead

He means well. He does. He just tends to forget stuff. Like saying he would call. He really did intend to call before 2 a.m., but then the plans didn’t really get made, and, well, “Why don’t we just do something tomorrow instead?” He is literally unable to say where he will be in an hour’s time, but don’t you just love a guy with a little mystery? He’s all over the place, and he is guaranteed to keep you guessing and keep things interesting.

Favorite line: “I’ll make it up to you tomorrow, I promise. Seriously? I thought you were going back to school next week.”

  • The Emotionally Unavailable Bastard

The EUB may have been tortured as a child in some way. This makes him an interesting project. You will have a lot of fun trying to be everything for him. All the love, all the attention he seems to crave and need. You will be so busy filling his emptiness that you won’t even notice that he has never actually given you anything. No worries! You will learn to appreciate gems like, “I do care, it’s just that I’m not very open about my feelings.” And his jealous rants! How flattering it will be when he goes insane any time you act friendly with another guy. How gratifying that he cares enough to punch someone’s lights out over you!

Favorite line: Silence. (His response when  you tell him you love him.)

Who have I left out? I don’t wanna hurt the feelings of any unworthy dudes!