7 Loser Guys to Waste Your Youth and Beauty On

April 1, 2009


Peter Pan, A Case of Arrested Development

Peter Pan, A Case of Arrested Development

It’s easy to understand why women get really discouraged as they look around, especially on college campuses. Even the cutest guys become repulsive by virtue of their behavior, which often ranges from idiotic to crass to just plain rude. Most of these guys will probably turn out great. They’ll mature and settle down to be the nice men their mothers raised. But when? Their late 20s? 30s? How long do women really have to wait for mature, meaningful communication with the opposite sex?

Michael Kimmel, author of the book Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men, explains that guys are taking a lot longer to grow up these days. The most important thing to most guys is the opinion of their buddies. Hooking up is not about sex or even intimacy. “If sex were the goal, a guy would have a much better chance of having more (and better) sex if he had a steady girlfriend.  Instead, guys hook up to prove something to other guys.  The actual experience of sex pales in comparison to the experience of talking about sex.” 

So what should you do if you are looking for a real connection with a guy under the age of 28? You settle in, you live your life with integrity, and you refuse to compromise. You maintain your standards and demand respect, honesty and kindness from men. Because if you do compromise, and you take up with a guy who isn’t ready, you are wasting enormous emotional energy, not to mention time.  

Oh, you don’t like that plan? What’s that you say? Oh, OK, you figure you might as well just go ahead and kill time and have some fun while you’re at it. Well, then, here is my list of 7 Loser Guys to Waste Your Youth and Beauty On:

  • The Player

You all know this guy. He jumps from crush to crush. He pursues girls until he gets his ego boost and then he moves on. What’s tempting about the Player is the idea of taming him.  You’ll be the one to make him crazy for one girl. Hahahahaha. And when you do, you’ll be dating a guy who has callously used girls for years. But he probably knows his way around a vagina; he’s been in dozens, maybe hundreds! Whoo, hoo! Break out the penicillin!

Favorite line: “I really like you a lot.”

  • The Selfish Prick

This guy is all about the booty call.  He’s vague about his plans until late, so that he can explore all his options.  He hides you by night-splitting:  first he sees his friends and then he wants to hook up with you alone afterwards. He is usually wasted by the time he texts you to hoof it on over to his place at 3 a.m.  He believes he is entitled to an orgasm, and assumes that you will happily provide that service. If you’re lucky and he’s really on his game, he’ll let you sleep over and may even pee on you in the middle of the night. You suspect he might be a vampire because he never tries to see you when it’s light outside. The coolest thing about this is that you can pretend you are dating Edward Cullen.

Favorite line: “You can blow me if you want.”

  • The Ten

This is the hottest guy on campus. Lots of girls can’t resist going for the boy that everyone else wants. And hey, if he’s got his beer goggles on, you might get lucky! Just think about the bragging rights! You will get to have shitty sex with a really hot guy, tell all your friends about it the next day (they will be sooooo envious), and spend days on end wondering if your phone has been accidentally set to vibrate. But the story will end happily; nothing is wrong with your phone, he actually never tried to call!

Favorite line: “Hey, I’ll call you! What’s your name?”

  • The Ambivalent 

The Ambivalent does like you, he really does. But…well, he’s just not sure he wants a relationship right now. He loves the time you spend together, especially when his bros are busy. It’s the best of both worlds! He is a free spirit. When you’re together, he can be incredibly demonstrative and affectionate, but the truth is, you are just not a priority. This is a blessing, because all girls hate it when a guy calls all the time and is eager. The Ambivalent is never eager.

Favorite line: “I had more fun with you this weekend than I had with you last weekend!”

  • The Peter Pan

He is the greatest kid. Boy. Goofball. At this point in his life, what he wants most with you: sex! What he wants most with his friends: video games, porn, beer, sports, to burp and fart, more beer, adventures, antics and the subsequent stories to reminisce over. Oh yeah, and to talk about the sex he has with you.

Favorite line: “Dude! Watch me do another keg stand!”

  • The Bonehead

He means well. He does. He just tends to forget stuff. Like saying he would call. He really did intend to call before 2 a.m., but then the plans didn’t really get made, and, well, “Why don’t we just do something tomorrow instead?” He is literally unable to say where he will be in an hour’s time, but don’t you just love a guy with a little mystery? He’s all over the place, and he is guaranteed to keep you guessing and keep things interesting.

Favorite line: “I’ll make it up to you tomorrow, I promise. Seriously? I thought you were going back to school next week.”

  • The Emotionally Unavailable Bastard

The EUB may have been tortured as a child in some way. This makes him an interesting project. You will have a lot of fun trying to be everything for him. All the love, all the attention he seems to crave and need. You will be so busy filling his emptiness that you won’t even notice that he has never actually given you anything. No worries! You will learn to appreciate gems like, “I do care, it’s just that I’m not very open about my feelings.” And his jealous rants! How flattering it will be when he goes insane any time you act friendly with another guy. How gratifying that he cares enough to punch someone’s lights out over you!

Favorite line: Silence. (His response when  you tell him you love him.)

Who have I left out? I don’t wanna hurt the feelings of any unworthy dudes!

  • Guyman

    I’m like a combo of the Emotionally Unavailable Bastard and the Selfish Prick, minus the rudeness and inability to express feelings. I’ll tell you I love you, but I’ll hate pretending I want to be at your stupid grad ceremony.

    • susanawalsh

      Well that doesn’t sound so bad. Without the rudeness and inability to express feelings, you could be an OK kinda guy….IDK – would you say you are relationship material? And here’s the critical question: will you come to the stupid grad ceremony even tho I know you don’t want to? If so, you get bonus points for honesty AND affection.

      Thanks for commenting!

  • Decoybetty

    It’s possible I am smitten with The Bonehead. How awkward for everyone.

    • susanawalsh

      Haha, well for what it’s worth, The Bonehead is often charming and has a good heart. Which is a huge plus. If you’re going to waste time with one of these guys, you’re best off with The Bonehead, with Peter Pan coming in second.

      P.S. The Bonehead can often benefit from going back on the Ritalin that he thought he had outgrown 🙂

  • Kate

    i’m with ambivalent.

    • susanawalsh

      Kate! Thanks so much for coming to HUS and commenting! Is Ambivalent the guy who turned you down to hang out with the lads? Ugh. The Ambivalent is a tough one because he is about 80% of the way to being a great boyfriend. It’s often a case of timing: either he still has some growing up to do, or he just doesn’t want a relationship for whatever reason. He’s not truly available.

  • angharad

    My ex was a boneheaded, emotionally unavailable, ambivalent, selfish prick. Some weekends he was charming and affectionate; some weekends he would carelessly neglect to return my calls; some weekends he would flake out on plans with me; some weekends he’d booty text at 2 am. The “I do care, it’s just that I’m not very open about my feelings”, “Why don’t we just do something tomorrow instead?”, and silence in the face of an “I love you” could have been lifted verbatim from conversations we had. I tried really hard. I gave him plenty of space, and I was lucky to talk to him once a week. I even offered unsolicited oral sex from time to time when I did see him, which of course he never reciprocated. He didn’t love — or possibly even like — me anymore, but didn’t want to admit it and hurt my feelings.

    I don’t still love him, and I know he was a shitty boyfriend, but I still find myself apologizing for him and chalking up things that may well have been bastardly or prickish to mere boneheadedness. But I’m resolving not to put up with that bullshit anymore.

    • susanawalsh

      clandestine, thanks for weighing in. He does sound like a horror. Actually, I know a guy exactly like this. I’m sorry to learn there are two in the world. I am really sorry you endured that. It sounds like he hurt you deeply.

      It’s not surprising you find yourself still making excuses for him – I’m sure you got very good at that while dating him. Also, it’s hard to acknowledge to ourselves that we allowed someone to disrespect us so completely. The worse he is, the worse you feel about putting up with him. That will diminish in time. In the meantime, I am soooo glad you won’t put up with that again.

      I hope you will come by HUS often and be part of the conversation, you have a lot to add!

  • Greenfieldnews

    This was an awesome post! (great site btw. I’ve been looking for advice like this for ages)
    what im wondering is
    Could it be possible to know a ambivalent bonehead, who has a peter pan complex , and has become a bit of a player due to ‘emotional’ problems (aka an emotionally unavailable bastard?)
    Because I think I do. And I think I spend too much time around him.
    and do you think he’ll ever change?

    • susanawalsh

      Of course he will never change! I know for sure that people can’t change each other, only life experience can change a person. And it sounds like he is downright toxic, so he must have had some pretty traumatic life experiences to make him that way. It’s hard to believe there are guys out there who are all of the above, but I’ve known a few. I would say: GET OUT NOW.

      Thanks for commenting, Greenfieldnews! Hope to see you again.

  • Fiore

    OMG!! This was like reading about all my relationships! This could have been called “7 loser guys U HAVE WASTED ur youth and beauty on” actually my last boyfriend was a combination of The Emotionally Unavailable Bastard, The Selfish Prick, and The Bonehead lol

    • susanawalsh

      Hey Fiore, thanks so much for commenting! I’m glad you can laugh about it all – waiting for guys to grow up is just part of the human condition, I’m afraid. Hopefully, you’ve learned to avoid the most toxic of these types. In time, the more benign knuckleheads are bound to mature, and some of them will probably make excellent catches then!

  • cch_1985

    Sorry to dredge up a several month old thread, but from the perspective of a 24 year old male I thought I should point some things out with regard to college aged guys possessing one or several of the above listed traits based on some observations about my peers:
    You state “I don’t understand why they can’t be NORMAL…” Well, I hate to break it to you, but it appears to me that for whatever reason, these states of being in a great many cases IS “NORMAL” for guys in that phase of life. Sucks for you ladies, I know, but sadly it seems to be a part of the developmental process for many guys that they go through a period of acting on negative character traits they may possess in order to “get it out of their system” before extracting their heads from their sphincters, suppressing those traits, and moving on with their lives.
    I too am baffled by all of this (actually, as you’d come to find, there are a lot of things “most” “normal” people do and/or purport to “need” that I am baffled by) because I fail to see the value in ever acting in any of these ways when approaching a relationship. Not only are the behavior patterns extremely unhealthy for all involved, they also manage to all but destroy a person’s reputation on a number of levels — especially when many are non-discriminate about when and where they engage in whatever foolishness they’re into at any given moment.
    Personally, my view is that developing a strong sense of self-sufficiency and a healthy level of contentment with being alone when either between relationships, or when not ready for a relationship is a great virtue. There is nothing at all wrong with embracing your time alone while focusing on greater goals which will ultimately enrich your future relationships in far more profound ways, and skipping over that phase of living in poor taste altogether.
    I think it would be much healthier for guys to approach their relationships in a mature and dignified manner once they’re beyond any urges they may have to act like emotionally unavailable, ambivalent, boneheaded selfish pricks with perfect ten looks and the nickname Peter Pan — in large part earned because of their virtuosic abilities as players.

  • Roxanne

    I keep returning to this post… So this time I’ll leave a reply.

    I’m stuck with an ambivalent bonehead who claims to love me. He isn’t so bad like your descriptions say, he just has some characteristics of those two kinds. And it looks like you left out the kind of guy who relays every single thing you tell him, to his best girl friend. So I can’t relax and speak freely.

    A weird kind of guy that I’ve had experience with, is tough on the outside, plays badass and even goes as far as betraying his closest friends, but he actually wants romance. And blames you when he doesn’t get it. Blames you for having expected him to actually be tough, like he pretended to be. (Bad guys suck, I know, but I managed to fall for one.)

  • You forgot the Nice Guy! Classic nice guy is too in love with the girl. He will change who he is just because he thinks its what will make her happy. He will hide his negative feelings and always show his love. Unfortunately he will build up frustration as he never brings it up since it could hurt her feelings. All in all he ends up being quite selfish while thinking he is above all those other jerks she dated before. He thinks he is different and the kind of guy she deserves. In the end he does not give her everything she wants and often runs off with a bad boy.

  • @Adam
    Ha! Perhaps you are right, but I find it hard to be mean to the nice guys…they’re already struggling in this SMP.

  • Anechka

    I’m just curious to know what other-type is left? :p The more I date, the more emotionally unavailable I’m becoming to men…to save myself I guess!

  • Loserdater

    Thanks for the encouragement about not compromising. (youd like the book “Why Men Love Bitches. It’s THE BEST). Been doing a mediocre job of that and the result has been an unintentional re-virginization. I currently have a Peter pan/ Bonehead makeout buddy who is an utter moron but wildly affectionate. The last guy was an emotionally unavailable, ambivalent (gay?) prick with a mature personality and good job (sigh).

    I’m 25 & dating is about as productive as banging my head against a wall.

    I’m navigating Loserville until I find someone over 30, partly because EVERYONE has started to assume I’m a lesbian. I usually end up feeling a bit bad about myself when each loser stops calling though. Any advice for how to date each of these losers? Or whether it can be done without losing your self respect or gaining a loser boyfriend? Because I think I might die from celibacy.

    • @Loserdater
      The good news is I have written extensively about all of your questions. I urge you to check out the Best Posts page or just wander through the archives. Also, I post regularly a few times each week, so tune in to the current discussions if you like. There are very active debates with lots of good tips from both men and women.

  • Jennifer

    “Who have I left out? I don’t wanna hurt the feelings of any unworthy dudes!”

    LOL Gold, Susan.

  • Esn

    Heh… I think I’m “The Ambivalent”, to be honest. I have a ton of projects and plans and things to do, and feel like I need to get to a more stable place in my life before I’ll have the proper time and energy to devote to a relationship. And yet I still try to meet women sometimes, because I’m afraid that if I entirely close myself off to romance, I could miss the woman of my dreams. The result is probably disappointing for everyone.

  • Anne

    I am all sorts of giggly happy for ‘the ambivalent’. I couldn’t believe my eyes when i saw him on this list. He is such a great guy, and so much fun to be around. but i am not his first priority, i’ve been trying to pinpoint what was missing for a while.

    it’s going to suck when i stop calling him, he’ll confirm this by never calling me.

    • @Anne

      it’s going to suck when i stop calling him, he’ll confirm this by never calling me.

      Smart girl. The fact that you recognize yourself here and are willing to take appropriate action is unusual and admirable. Respect.

  • Aly

    My ex-boyfriend is the perfect specimen of “The Ambivalent”. He broke up with me a couple of months ago because he decided he wanted to be free and “live it up” while he’s still young (early 20s). — I’d already thought about breaking up with him a million times before, but never got around to it because I loved his family so much (best potential in-laws EVER). But even so, I was heartbroken… completely devastated…
    The thing is, we were together for over 2 years. I got used to him, came to appreciate physical closeness on a regular basis (I mean touch, not sex, even though the sex was pretty good too).
    I know I’m better off without him. It was horrible dating someone with no initiative, who doesn’t care about you enough to make an effort. The relationship never fully fulfilled me. But I have very low self-esteem and thought I didn’t deserve better, that if I lost this guy I’d be alone forever…

    • @Aly

      Best of luck finding someone who values you and shows it. Don’t settle for halfwaying it again.

  • Kyle

    As a guy, this is a great post. I try to be a gentleman, much more than my friends I think, but even I occasionally fall into this Loser behavior. Here’s my honest insight into why I believe this happens.

    I am a romantic. My favorite guilty pleasure film is You’ve Got Mail. I like babies and giving flowers and writing love songs. I like cuddling and pillow talk just as much as I like crazy sex. But as a 20 year old living in the Hookup Culture, not all girls are deserving of this, and most of the girls I meet are at parties where everybody is drunk.

    So when I go out to a party, I’m not finding out much, if anything, about the girls I’m meeting. I don’t know if they are worthy or not of my courtship. So, after much trial and error, I’ve found that the best way to maximize my success is to go for quantity, at least at the beginning. At a party, if I’ve talked to any girl for more than 5 minutes, I will make sure I get her number before I leave. I will then follow up and have 4-5 simultaneous conversations over the next few days with the new girls, aiming to make dates with the girls I click with. Here is how I sometimes fall into each of the Loser behaviors.

    The Player – I am not usually the guy who leads girls on, has sex with them, and leaves. If I’ve had a one night stand with a girl, and she doesn’t seem optimistic to see me again, I’m actually afraid to contact her for another meet up. I’ve had one night stands before where I wouldn’t mind continuing a relationship, but I’m not sure how she feels, so I don’t pursue it.

    The Selfish Prick – This happens if the girl and I have had some sort of physical intimacy already, mixed with me being drunk. If I made out with a girl at a party, I’ll assume she just wants to hook up… then if I get drunk I might send an incoherent text that sounds something like, “we should hang out.” And yeah, it’ll be past 11pm. This almost never materializes and I feel embarrassed in the morning. When a girl responds positively, I’m completely uninterested in her as a girlfriend in the morning. Sad but true.

    The Ten – This isn’t me. When I’m one of the best looking guys at a party, chances are the girls aren’t super cute either, so I’m just interested in being friends with the girls. I usually have the best time with smart funny girls. This is dangerous because I’m so used to trying to pick girls up. I need to have the “let’s just be friends” conversation earlier.

    The Ambivalent – This is awful. This is what I do most. A girl will really take to me, but I’m not sure I like her all that much. And sometimes I keep it going. I’ve gone as far as having gone on multiple dates with a girl (oldschool dinner dates where I pay, etc.) as if I’m courting her, but then I stop talking to her for a few weeks. Then I think, “Hmmm… maybe she was pretty good,” and strike things up again. It’s terrible, needs to stop asap. Please girls, stop talking to me when I do this. If I really like you, and you are being obvious about your interest in me, I will NOT stop communication at all. (However, if you aren’t acting interested in me either, my legitimate crush on you might look like ambivalence, so I can avoid rejection)

    Peter Pan – Not me.

    The Bonehead – I think this is actually just The Ambivalent who is good at making excuses.

    The Emotionally Unavailable Bastard – This is not me. I do have friends who legitimately have no guilt for being these character types. Not sure how to assess this.

    Anyway, I hope this helps. My behavior is questionable but deep down I’m also looking for commitment. My best advice is for you girls to call me out on my bullshit. If I don’t fess up and correct my behavior, I’m not into you. If I think my behavior is ok, I’m not a quality guy.

    • @Kyle

      That is an awesome comment! It’s so good because it’s a real peek at the inside of a guy’s mind. I think I’ll make this a post of its own this week. Thanks so much. If you’re interested, check back and participate in the comment threads – I can guaranteed this will have people talking.

  • Kyle

    Great! I’m glad it helps.

    I will definitely participate in the comments. It’s beneficial for everybody to have these conversations.

  • Ellen Like

    I’m kinda having to deal with a combination of the Ambivalent and EUB. It all started with alcohol as we had a party at our flat. Well he’s my flatmate. He kissed me first and tried to have me. When I began to fall for him, he just threw me away. He said he still loved his ex. Not long ago when we hooked up again, I asked him if he still loved his ex, he said no. I was like what the hell?! And now he’s all nice and caring but things are never clear between us. I don’t have the right to show love to him and he just doesn’t make any move. It’s like if I come to him he will hold me. If not, it’s alright. He’s such a jerk. I’m wasting time and energy but I don’t know how to get out of this shit. The hardest part for me is I have to see him everyday.

  • alexis

    Oh man.

    A few months ago I broke up with Peter Pan. In fact, he often called himself Peter Pan, and meant it in a positive way. He is 28, still in school, was in and out of jobs most of our relationship, was willing to cash in on me having a real job and pretty much relied on me almost like a mother. He was really good to me, just didn’t know when to step up and hold his own.

    I have recently been seeing a guy from Argentina (lived there half his life). He is attractive, outgoing and a little wild, the last two things are much like me. Also like me, he had it pretty tough growing up. We both made mistakes. He is 2 years younger than me, has a child, and a business that seems to do fairly well for the most part. He is not very educated, which starkly contrasts with me bc I am a teacher with a bachelors and a masters. I see myself not minding his lack of “formal education” because he appreciates the knowledge I bring to the table, and I have plenty of friends to fulfill that need, as I don’t believe ANY ONE PERSON can fulfill all of them.
    So my issue is this. I think he may be a bonehead. At least partially.Every once in a while, he will say he is going to do something but doesn’t. He is stressed out with money and his car is messed up and his “baby’s mama” makes his life very difficult. We had our first little bump in the road a few days ago and the conversation was less than sober. We talked the next day and made up, said our sorries, but its been tense the last 2 days. I haven’t heard from him at all today and that isn’t normal. He told me last night he would call today. Its been only a month, and it has gone faster than it probably should, and I believe we really care about each other. I am not sure if he just needs space or he is a lost cause and I am fooling myself. :-/

  • Aakanksha

    Susan Walsh, I <3 you!!! 🙂 Haha this was awesome!! I've been going through your blogs and seriously, this stuff is exactly what I was looking for 🙂
    Btw, I'm with half of an ambivalent and the EUB :/ Hope that ain't bad!

  • rudiger

    I’m just wondering if a girl can have these characteristics. I was dating (?) someone who is a Player and Ambivalent. We slept together on the first date, and never had a “Talk.” We did whatever we did for several months and then I did ask about exclusivity, she talked around it and then said she was kinda like a bachelor.

    I think I was trying to change her like, Ambivalent, but really knew it was doomed. She found another guy and just stopped calling me. Sounds like reversed roles doesn’t it?

  • Abbot

    she talked around it and then said she was kinda like a bachelor.
    Sounds like reversed roles doesn’t it?

    No. Even the best bechelor could not come close to the easy time a woman has if all she wants is sex. Therefore the roles are not equal and cannot be reversed. But at least she, unlike most promiscuous women, probably would not remake herself to dupe a good man into marriage.

  • rudiger

    so are you saying I ignored the signs of a prom woman? its true that I got more emotionally involved than I should and got burnt by an old pro. Feels terrible

  • Drea

    @adam: I’m dating the “nice guy” right now! And I’m about to break up with him, because as you so eloquently described, he’s really just being perpetually passive-aggressive and judgmental. I wish I could point to something mean he’s done, but I’m afraid he just makes me uncomfortable and feel like I’M always sub-par. Although I may be the female equivalent of the Ambivalent, so maybe he’s right…

  • Maria

    Omg, I am with Peter Pan this is crazy jajajajaja lol

  • Celestia

    This makes me so horny for my most recent ex. He was a combo of all of these things. I finally broke it off after the jerk factor became SO intolerable…and I still miss the crap out of him. Will I ever get over this FREAK?????

  • Cool site. I should say though that this is not for men looking for relationship advice.