Translator Needed for 10 Hour Text Convo
Here’s what is absolutely great about texting between girls and guys:
It’s convenient.
You don’t have to talk on the phone, which almost everyone hates to do.
It is spontaneous.
In a matter of seconds, you can make a plan or make an absolute drunken fool of yourself.
It delivers immediate gratification.
Sarah Hepola, writing for Salon, said she texted a guy, and “He was there in under 30 minutes. Like a pizza!”
You can cause major drama without being present.
One guy I know, after hearing untrue rumors about his girlfriend texted: Wow. Just wow. F**k you. It took hours to straighten that out.
It’s mysterious.
Flirting or just friendly? Saying when he’ll get there, or saying he wants to get in there?
It makes you look cool, even when it’s fake.
When you are standing around waiting for someone, you don’t have to look lonely and awkward.
It can be a great way to send a little love note.
It’s a precious way of saying “Goodnight.” or “I had a nice time.”
Here’s what sucks about texting between girls and guys:
Just about everything else.
Texting is extremely difficult to interpret. There is no subtlety, and none of the usual cues we depend on for communication. Like eye contact, emotional tone, body language, pausing. Texting lacks immediacy. It’s a minefield!
Here’s the transcript of a real recent text convo I received. It’s fairly typical, I’m sorry to say. Be sure to note the times as you read it:
GUY 6:30 p.m. Hey, haven’t seen you in a while.
GIRL 6:50 p.m. Seriously! It would be good to hang soon.
GUY 9:20 p.m. Whatcha up to tonight?
GIRL 9:22 p.m. Not sure yet. You?
GUY 10:10 p.m. Yoooooooo
GIRL 10:11 p.m. Hey! What’s up?
GUY 12:30 a.m. Are you out?
GIRL 1:00 a.m. Yeah, getting ready to go back to James’. You should come.
GUY 1:30 a.m. Cool. I’m out with my friends. I’ll text you when we’re ready to leave.
GUY 3:10 a.m. Still here. What are you doing later?
GIRL 3:15 a.m. Probably heading home soon.
GUY 3:30 a.m. OK, well, I’ll text you later.
GUY 4:10 a.m. U still up? Wanna come over?
Note: This final text was not read until the following morning by Girl, who was sound asleep when it came.
Here’s where I need your skills as an interpreter:
Does Guy like Girl?
Does Girl like Guy?
Why did Guy text Girl?
What does the timing of Guy’s texts mean?
Should Girl have done anything differently?
Should Girl text Guy the next day?
WHAT IS THIS GUY THINKING????? WHAT DOES HE WANT? WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM?
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Sounds like a typical texting convo to me! It seems like the girl really likes him, but makes herself too available. He only texts back when its convenient for him. He seems like he wants to keep his options open and wants this girl to stay around, so he texts her to make sure she still answers. I've been in this situation and it sounds like this guy just wants some ass! She should not text him at all! Let him do the work and she should not give up the goods!
This girl deserves better!
Word!
Seriously, I have very similar texting convos all the time. however, this girl doesn't take initiative. if she wants to see him, which is sounds like she does, she has to get the point across better and make sure he knows what she wants. it either scares them off or gets him to her place asap.
but all in all, with my experience as a 'texter for sexer'… these people don't “like” each other. like they KNOW they aren't going to go to dinner and talk philosophy and maybe meet each other's parents in a few months. texting like that = booty call. on both ends. we are all using each other for quick and easy sex without the hassle of dating. we save the hard stuff for people we really “like”.
Hey Mary! That's interesting – I had assumed the girl liked him but that he was just after sex, but maybe you're right. Although, I did get this report from her, and I don't think she was too pleased. I got the sense she felt she was really being played. I LOVE your suggestion that she should be totally straightforward and either scare the hell out of him or get him right over (like that pizza!). I think women should not cede control so readily. If he doesn't want her, “Next!”
So if you are saving the hard stuff for people you really like, how do those texts look different? More about making plans in advance, or what? Maybe it's obvious when someone is into you, and if you have to question it, then they are obviously not.
This is an easy one (and I've been the girl in this instance). She likes him, but as the famous saying goes, he's just not that into her. He wants ass, plain and simple. He's also a jerk for waiting two hours to respond to a text.
I agree about his waiting to text back! In general, he is kind of a dick in that respect. What I wonder is, why did he even start texting early in the evening? Why not just booty call at 3 am? He made her think he wanted to meet up earlier, kind of kept her hanging on all night. It seems dishonest, why not just say from the start you are DTF, period?
Poor guy. This is what happened to him: He was sitting around the house bored. He even considered ordering a pizza. But then he didn't want to feel like a loser eating pizza on a Friday night plus he was a little horny, as usual. So finally he texts a friend who comes and picks him up and they go to some party. At first the party is kinda lame cause he isn't drunk and he doesn't know anyone but then he spots this hot chick he recognizes from last semester at school. So he starts drinking and keeps encouraging her to drink hoping that he'll get the balls to talk to her and that he'll get lucky. Suddenly he is drunk and the hot girl is leaving with her hot drunk friends. He is still horny and now kinda drunk too so he texts the other girl back to see if she is still available as backup. He finally gets home and STILL hasn't gotten laid and is desperate/tired/wasted enough to try and booty text the girl.
So yeah. She does deserve better and I so glad that she was sleeping and not waiting around for him to text while changing her makeup over and over again.
I love the “You can cause major drama without even being present. Did I spell present right? Darn, it's late!
I was thinking about that question when I clicked send the last time. My answer to that is that, I call the person I like… even more straightforward (although in a different sense, not so much overtly sexual, but overtly… brave… because texting is so prevalent and easy).
This also scares the guys away if they aren't into it. And that works for me, because if they aren't into the type of relationship where plans are made before 8 p.m. then I don't want to actually date him anyways.
And, this is all coming from my personal opinions, not my position as a sex educator. I don't know much about dating, except what I've experienced (so that's my disclaimer).
My advice to this girl, is that, if she likes him and if she thinks hooking up with him casually will hurt her emotionally, she should stop answering his texts. Because he is obviously texting her for sex. If he wanted to know her in any way beyond sex he would want to see her before 3 a.m. But if she is comfortable with the idea of sleeping with him, with no strings attached– then she should be more aggressive.
And from reading the other comments about the question about why he started texting her so early… I will attempt to explain what I think is going on according to my past experience with this sort of texting exchange (and I have a fair amount of experience… usually I am this guy actually). We text early to plant the idea that we might want to meet up later by getting our name onto the screen. Then we wait a while, pop up again, then again to actually meet up. We don't want to get dinner with you. We don't want to talk about current events, we want to bang.
With all of this being said, this guy isn't a total dick. He is trying to get what he wants and that is totally fair. In another context, maybe with a girl he really likes, he might be totally nice.
But on the other hand, maybe this is the way he acts all the time and he really is a douchebag… and in that case, I don't know much.
I don't know if any of that helped, but I sure hope so!
And therein lies the reason this is tricky.
You are so right about her not waiting around! I know girls do that a lot, thinking they sort of have a plan with a guy. Then they wind up taking off their mascara many hours later, and it is just so depressing. Another thing girls do a lot is try to make sure they'll be able to meet up with the guy when they hear from him later. So they don't want someone else to drive, etc. They have to have their own transportation, and not drink at all. On a night when they could probably use a couple of drinks, haha.
Mary, I love it that you are so strategic! That is what I am all about, and you've really got that down. You have figured out what approach makes you the most successful in getting what you want, whether it be a relationship or NSA sex. Everything you say makes total sense to me.
Also, it sounds like you are willing to be honest and realistic. Intentionally, or not, this girl is playing along. She doesn't have to text back eagerly all night and then feel wronged – she was kidding herself.
That gets back to self-respect. So I say: Girls, if you think a guy is acting like a douche, stop giving him the power to do so. Peace out, and let him try to score with someone else.
Haha, yes the ability to cause drama is always a plus!
I have to agree with every one. The guy was just after some ass, and man have I had a lot of text convos like that, but if a girl is smart she comes to a point where it just gets old and is like “see ya dickhead!” I think the timestamp is important to notice. This girl wanted to meet up, that is why the quick response, him waiting hours should have been a big indicator to her as to what he was really after.
Exactly! In fact, I think she did come to terms with it. I think she wanted to share that convo because it sucks for girls when that happens. It makes them feel stupid for going along with the texting all night in hopes of meeting up. “See ya dickhead!” is an excellent response! I wish she had texted that
maybe I am just a naive innocent? Or I really like to give people the benefit of the doubt – or maybe I am just in denial because I am having my own texting problems with boys at the moment (sobs, why doesn't he like me! – *ahem, hold yourself together woman*) ANYWAY, I am sure the guy just wanted to get laid (don't they all), but I agree I think Girl should have been more aggressive. I know when a guy texts me to ask what I am doing over the weekend, if I want to see him i give him a time when I am free (hanging with friends friday night, Nothing going on on saturday, you?), if I don't want to see him I tell him what I am doing and then ask him to be nice (writing an essay all weekend, you?)…I guess I always just hope that people say what they mean because I am too lazy to keep trying to read between the lines. (i say that, but come visit my blog in a few days and i'll have a whole post about reasons for unrequited crushes)
I like the idea of her asking for what she wants more assertively. In fact, I think I'll write about that next. I also love your diplomacy – you are kind, but you still make it clear you would rather stay in and wash your hair than go out with a guy you aren't interested in. I look forward to your next post at Decoy Betty!
Maybe I am 'old school' being 31 years old male, but I never got into the whole texting phenomenon. I see it as a waste of time and clarity. What could people possibly text me about that could not go into an e-mail letter or a phone call? Texting seems lazy and offers a very low value-to-time-invested ratio. I have a facebook account, and see similar conversations there. I don't see the value in it, except perhaps as an ego massager for both men and women. I don't text. In fact, I would have the service disabled on my cell phone, except that I have a hearing loss and sometimes it is helpful to get text messages with details of where to meet and when if I have a hard time understanding someone on the phone.
Sorry if I am butting into a girls-only conversation, but I followed a link to this site from the ArtOfManliness.com site.
I'd also like to mention that I'm a little bewildered at how the 'rules' have changed between men and women today – or should I say boys and girls… because it is hard for me to understand why real men and women would behave like they do today.
I read the “hook-up stats” information on the About page on this site and what caught my eye was that only 12% of hookups turn into real relationships. Wow. Why do people rave about hook-ups so much? Sounds like a great way to go off-track in a major way. (Obviously, I don't do hook-ups.)
Some of the ladies here have commented on the nesscessy of “creating value”. This is the same conversation I hear on male dating web sites. It is remarkable how much the conversation is identical. Here, as there, you have commenters painting an entire gender with a broad brush, forgetting that when it comes to relationships, you're not dealing with a broad, stereotypical gender, male or female, but with an individual. Frankly, I think both sexes need to grow up and start treating each other with respect.
Stay true to yourself.
Stuart, welcome! You are not butting in at all, in fact, we are definitely looking for a male perspective. It's interesting that at 31 you don't relate to the hookup culture–it is a scene that can be really difficult to read and navigate.
I agree that it is important to remember that all relationships are between individuals, and that it's hard to say “what guys want” without overgeneralizing. But there are also norms that we operate within, and most people find it helps to try and get a handle on the best way to approach the opposite sex.
In any case, I agree that if we all were respectful of one another, MANY of the issues that cause so much anxiety and unhappiness would be moot.
It seems that many of the men my age relate the hookup scene in mixed fashion. Some talk about it and seem to like it, while others are repulsed by how loose it is. It seems to me that most of the men my age who are into it are not men I would trust. I was also raised in the Midwest, so that may have something to do with it too. I am not religious, I just have enough respect not to treat myself or other people that way.
Sometimes women will come on to me wanting a fling, but it just seems out of place. I'd rather know the lady first before jumping into sex. The current hook-up concept of sex first then a deeper relationship seems out of place, and according to the stats on your websites, has a high failure rate anyway… so why do people do it?
What is really interesting to me is how quickly it seems to have changed. It seems like this shift has occured in an approximately 10-year period. What has changed in that time period? I can think of two major things: Internet technologies (which I would not give back for the world), and the declining influence of the WWII generation (they are going in to nursing homes and passing away). Many younger people's grandparents are not the WWII generation anymore, they are the Baby Boomers. There's a different set of values and mores and I think it is making itself felt.
I think this is shown in pornography as well. It too, has changed a lot. People in their teens and twenties are clearly getting some of their cues from porn. The internet has tons of pictures with both men and women aping porn poses, in public, no less. Sure, when I was in high school (in the Midwest), this occured to some degree, but there was a sense of shame associated with these sorts of poses and behavior in public. Now, there really doesn't seem to be any.
How is it that such a dramatic shift in public attitude and behavior has occured in a mere 10-12 years? I'm sure shows like Sex in the City may have been responsible for part of that. These days, 2 and Half Men may fill that role.
Now I'm not trying to be a prude. In private, in enjoy sex and enjoy giving and recieving pleasure. What I'm trying to highlight is the line between the public and private. Perhaps public decorum is a good phrase. There's none. And that lack of care seems to carry into all areas of life.
It's pretty disgusting.
Perhaps I am a dying breed.
But with so many people tired of the hookup fall out, why aren't people “getting it” and returning to a better dating model?
Thanks for listening.
Stuart – seriously, why aren't people actually dating anymore – as a 23 year old, I am equally repulsed by even the idea of the hook up scene.
I think a lot of it was in our parents generation there were rules. Boys called girls at their home and asked them out on dates followed by parking followed by if the guy had fun him asking her out again rinse wash repeat until they went steady (ok so that's a simplificaiton). while I am sure that there was a lot of “he looked at me with that look you know? do you think that means he likes me?” the question what does that mean SEEMS more complex now. Which is why we stoop to sweeping generalisations about gender. People probably hook up because they've got a 12% better chance of ending up in a meaningful relationship than if they sit at home and wonder what text messages mean.
Don't be a dying breed – go out and mentor some young men! Teach 'em some manners…The Ladies will thank you.
I'm kind of coming on on this pretty late, but I just saw these posts and I feel that as a 20 year old woman who is a member of this awful hook-culture, I just had to speak up.
Stuart, you have excellent points and I think a lot of people are feeling the same frustrations, even people my age. But those of us who are enjoying the hook-up culture are really enjoying it. And you have asked “why?” a few times and I would like to clarify.
First, you are judging hooking-up according to the standards of a person who prefers relationships. Or at least that is the way it looks from here. If someone is the type of person that prefers relationships and needs the comfort of a relationship to enjoy sex, then hooking up is not for them. But for those who can enjoy a person's individuality and personality and sexuality in a non-committal way, then hooking up is a great phenomena. Maybe we do it differently here in Austin, but from my experiences hooking up doesn't always follow this sick sad scenario that they play up in the media. Especially when both parties are on the same page (which I see more often then not, and by “same page” I mean neither one has a real crush on the other).
I could go on about that all day, but I am going to move on to my second point about respect. And I can't answer this in any way except to use my own personal experience (I keep repeating that, but I don't want to sound like I think I am an authority… I just want to say a little bit from the other side, just as a participant, not necessarily and authority.. ok?). So with the guys I have most recently been in this kind of non-committal casual sex situations with, there IS RESPECT. People seem to think that just because casual sex is CASUAL, that it is inherently dirty and fast and non-intimate. My experiences with casual sex have been really fun. Especially because I don't have to worry about having to talk to the guy all the time and making dates and spending time with him all the time. I appreciate every second I have with these guys because they are each unique personalities, and they are respectful toward me and my body and we respectfully have sex, great sex. Not boring… because it is rarely with the same person.
WIth all of that being said, I can also see the amazing qualities of being in a long term relationship with someone you really get to know. Maybe someday I'll be into that too.
I don't want to sound too square, but when a guy texts me instead of calling me, i generally assume that he's just not that into me. In my book, texting is perfect for confirmation of plans, for a little 'i had a great time tonite' or 'good luck on your interview' but NOT for making plans. There's a thin, thin line btwn texting and 'sexting' LOL
I think if you're asking a girl on a date, you should at least call her once to suggest your plan and then, confirm the time or the address by text if you want.
Boy, do I agree with this! I hear soooo many stories of misunderstandings and miscommunication, all because of texting. There's no tone of voice for context, and people play all sorts of games about waiting to respond.
Young people, however, have entire relationships without ever speaking on the phone. In college especially, it's the norm. Most college kids I know hate speaking on the phone for any reason. They're just not used to it as a means to communicate anymore.
I don't want to sound too square, but when a guy texts me instead of calling me, i generally assume that he's just not that into me. In my book, texting is perfect for confirmation of plans, for a little 'i had a great time tonite' or 'good luck on your interview' but NOT for making plans. There's a thin, thin line btwn texting and 'sexting' LOL
I think if you're asking a girl on a date, you should at least call her once to suggest your plan and then, confirm the time or the address by text if you want.
Boy, do I agree with this! I hear soooo many stories of misunderstandings and miscommunication, all because of texting. There's no tone of voice for context, and people play all sorts of games about waiting to respond.
Young people, however, have entire relationships without ever speaking on the phone. In college especially, it's the norm. Most college kids I know hate speaking on the phone for any reason. They're just not used to it as a means to communicate anymore.
Ugh this is so sad. I've had this EXACT conversation. Almost exact. It is scary…and I've had it with different guys..because basically I've come to the conclusion that all guys are the same. The guy texts “hey long time no see” early in the night and I'm excited because if it's at 5pm it isn't a booty call. Then he texts to find out where I actually am and then says we'll meet up later…and texts later.
i agree with the statement that guys want to plant the idea in a girl's head that they like them and want to genuinely hang out with them early in the night. i feel like if they keep texting they like me, when obviously it's just to keep tabs on me. that night, i feel like i dont want to hook up with someone else bc im waiting for them when honestly they could have easily been trying to score with other girls and when they strike out, go back to me to text and see if i'm still available. and i like making out haha so i fall for it..but they want way more than just making out. and i always say i wont get emotionally attached but when the guy is cute and shows interest..of course i do :-/
i hate how these stories are too common and happen to everyone! why can't guys change and respect girls..instead of being such players? and the players always say they're not a player.
So true! Also, I didn't even get into the group text thing here. I know of one guy who sends out group booty call texts, then manages the fallout if he gets more than one yes. Ugh. The worst!
The only way you will get a guy to respect you is to demand it. Don't play. If a guy has this kind of text convo with you, cut him loose. Take his # out of your phone. He is a lost cause.