Why Babies Get What They Want and You Don’t
Babies are the best communicators in the world. Everything they share is personal, honest and immediate. As they mature, they gain more control over their emotions, and their communication reflects that. They have life experiences, and for better or worse they develop shyness, caution, resentments and the whole range of human emotions.
By the time you’re old enough to read this blog, you’ve got all kinds of complicated ideas about what you should and should not say. You edit yourself, you stay silent, and you hope for the best. You are one person with your girls, but act entirely differently with a guy. You think about what he wants to hear before you say it. You are careful. And then you don’t get what you want.
Girls often feel very disappointed when a relationship doesn’t work out. That’s understandable; we all feel down or rejected when things don’t go our way. Frequently, though, it becomes clear that they had been going along with some unspoken “arrangement” without any idea of what the terms were. They knew they weren’t in a relationship, because they hadn’t had the Define the Relationship talk. They might have thought they were exclusive or “together” with someone. When they learn he has hooked up with someone else, or just decided to move on, they feel betrayed and deceived. But you can’t be betrayed or deceived if you were never honest about what you wanted and expected.
Here are some things that babies do better than adults do in their relationships:
1. Babies are good at making eye contact.
When I see babies out and about, I often try to catch their attention. One thing I always notice is that they are completely unreserved about eye contact. They will look at you for as long as they find you interesting. When you begin to bore them, or they decide something else is more worthy of their attention, they look away. They are very good at evaluating what you have to offer in the way of diversion.
Are you willing to look a guy straight in the eye and evaluate what he is offering? Is it enough to keep you interested? If he has nothing to give, will you ignore him and move on so that you can find a better man who is worthy of your attention?
2. Babies are persistent.
Babies ask for what they want, at precisely the moment they realize they want it. We may find it hard to figure out what they need at times. But they know, and they will not stop communicating until they have gotten what they need.
Are you willing to ask for what you want? Or do you hope the guy you are seeing will be able to figure it out for himself? If your needs are not being met, what will you do about it? Will you settle, or will you reach for something that makes you truly happy?
3. Babies are easily delighted.
When a baby’s needs have been met, you are rewarded with a delighted baby! Babies are not shy about showing their appreciation for us. This makes us want to please them even more.
Do you show your appreciation when you are delighted? Or do you worry about seeming too interested?
4. Babies don’t overthink.
Babies do not think about pros and cons before they make a request. They do not distinguish needs from wants. They know what will make them feel good, and they go for it.
Are you able to live in the moment or do you obsess about the status of your relationships? Do you endlessly analyze what he said and did? Do you repeatedly ask your friends to help you understand what only he can explain? Or do you actively go after what you know will make you feel good?
5. Babies are open and honest.
Babies are not defensive. They do not worry about looking foolish. They do not stop to consider their relative position of power in the relationship before communicating. You have the power to harm a baby, but the baby approaches you with trust and love. A baby won’t let you get too far away without trying to bring you back into contact.
Do you worry about looking foolish or eager? Do you downplay your interest by expecting him to initiate? Or do you own your interest by clearly communicating it?
6. Babies don’t hold grudges.
Babies are incapable of staying mad at you, even for a minute. They will always take you back, even when you have let them down. They don’t understand the concept of forgiveness yet, nor do they know about punishment. They do not keep score. They just love.
How quickly do you forgive? Do you hold on to bad feelings, and struggle for control? Do you keep trying to level the playing field? Or can you risk being the injured party sometimes?
Oh wow, I realize I have been very serious in this post! So I’ll close with a few things that you do better than babies, at least most of the time:
Note: Dean Rieck, an online copywriting expert, has a post at Copyblogger called The 3 Secret Persuasion Techniques Every Kid Knows. His piece is about sales, but it got me thinking about what brilliant communicators kids are, and how that might be applied to relationships.
You deserve every good thing. Can you ask for it?
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But I DO start crying when it takes 15 minutes for my food to arrive!
Haha, how has that affected your dating life?
Excellent post. Some of these (be open and honest, ask for what you want when you want it) I only learned after a string of painful relationships that ended badly. Looking back, it seems so obvious.
Thanks for commenting, heartbot! It is so true that the most painful lessons look obvious in hindsight. Another thing that happens, I think, is that we are able to see when our friends are in terrible relationships, or with someone who obviously doesn't care about them, but then we wind up in the same circumstances ourselves. And we just can't see it. We think we have information other people don't, that we understand him in a way no one else does, etc. Hopefully, after learning the hard way, we can avoid making the same mistakes over and over again.
Haha, how has that affected your dating life?
Excellent post. Some of these (be open and honest, ask for what you want when you want it) I only learned after a string of painful relationships that ended badly. Looking back, it seems so obvious.
Thanks for commenting, heartbot! It is so true that the most painful lessons look obvious in hindsight. Another thing that happens, I think, is that we are able to see when our friends are in terrible relationships, or with someone who obviously doesn't care about them, but then we wind up in the same circumstances ourselves. And we just can't see it. We think we have information other people don't, that we understand him in a way no one else does, etc. Hopefully, after learning the hard way, we can avoid making the same mistakes over and over again.
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