The Art of the Ultimatum
The Ultimatum: We Need to Talk
Dear Aunt Sue,
I’ve been with this guy Tyler for a while and I really like him a lot. At first we were just hooking up, and we never talked about the relationship or anything. But it became a regular thing, and I developed feelings for him. Then I found out he hooked up with someone else. I got really upset, and at that point we decided to be exclusive. Even though he’d hurt my feelings by hooking up with some random girl, I was really happy he was willing to commit to being exclusive at that point.
A few months went by, and everything seemed fine. We were basically dating without calling it that. I just felt like something was missing, though. If we were going to be a couple, I wanted to make it official. I wanted to be able to say he was my boyfriend. I finally told him how I felt. His response was that he really liked me, but just didn’t want to be in a relationship. I couldn’t understand that – it was just a question of the label at that point. So there was all this drama, but eventually we kind of settled into what we had been doing before. It really bugged me, though, and a couple of weeks ago I finally told him I couldn’t do it anymore. Either we would be in a serious relationship, or I wanted to end things. At first he said no, so we stopped seeing each other. Then he came back after a week and said OK. So now we are dating.
I know I should be happy, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have everything I want -I have a boyfriend I am crazy about! He seems cool with it, but honestly he acts the same as before. It just feels crappy, it’s not the way I thought it would be. I got what I wanted, so why does it feel like something is missing?
Rachel
Dear Rachel,
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It feels like something is missing because it IS. You gave Tyler an ultimatum when you decided that what you wanted was for Tyler to be your boyfriend. But what you really wanted was for Tyler to love you, and to be as invested in the relationship as you are. You focused on the label because that is what he had been resisting. You are still unsure of Tyler’s love for you, and the real commitment that goes with it. You asked Tyler for one thing, and he agreed, but that wasn’t your real goal.
You forced Tyler to choose so that you could be reassured that you had something real with him. And he delivered. He made a decision to meet your demand for a relationship. Why would he do that? There are many possible reasons:
He may love you, but needed more time.
He likes the regular sex.
He enjoys hanging out with you, and doesn’t want to lose that.
There is no one else on the horizon right now.
All his friends are in relationships, and he doesn’t want to be the odd man out.
etc.
When you gave Tyler an ultimatum, he weighed the pros and cons. He chose to be with you, but you are not reassured. He is willing to call himself your boyfriend and have regular sex with you. That’s all you know. That’s all you have. Therefore, Tyler is not giving you what you want.
The word ultimatum comes from the Latin for “the last one.”
It is usually the final demand in a series of requests, and is only made once compromise is deemed impossible. It is a drastic step, because it clarifies where each party stands in a brutally honest way. When you are prepared to hear the truth and make choices accordingly, it is very useful and can save you a whole bunch of trouble and misery down the road.
Here’s how to make an ultimatum work:
1. Timing
- Give an ultimatum before you are at your wits’ end. You don’t ever want to act in desperation, and giving an ultimatum when you are feeling very upset will appear rash and poorly thought out.
- The best time to give an ultimatum is as soon as you realize what you want, and are encountering significant resistance from the other person. This usually indicates an imbalance in the degree of emotional investment, so it is very important for you to make things clear without further wasting time.
- An ultimatum should only be given once, so you need to choose your moment wisely. Don’t start a cycle of fights, ultimatums and reconciliations.
2. Execution
- Prepare for the conversation. Think it through. If the other person grants your request, will that make you happy?
- Be clear about exactly what you want. If you ask for something and then find yourself still dissatisfied once your ultimatum has been accepted, that is not really fair to the other person.
- Remain cool and calm throughout the conversation. You stand a much better chance of being heard, and of your request being interpreted as reasonable, if you behave like a sane person.
- Indicate that you have given the matter a lot of thought, and that you know what you want. If the other person is not in a position to grant that, you feel that it is best that the two of you separate. Don’t accept anything less than 100%. The other person has to comply with enthusiasm, or it is not going to work.
- If your ultimatum is rejected, you have no cause to be angry with the other person or cause a scene. You have asked for, and received, an honest answer.
- Be committed to follow through. You must be willing to walk if your ultimatum is rejected.
Issuing an ultimatum is a high-risk strategy with very high stakes. It takes enormous personal strength to pull it off and see it through, but it is a very efficient way of determining where you stand.
Rachel, if Tyler was enthusiastic about being in a relationship with you, I think you would be a very happy woman. Because you sense reluctance and a lack of commitment on his part, you really don’t feel any better off than you did before. I encourage you to sit down with Tyler and clarify exactly what each of you is feeling. And then you need to honestly assess if Tyler can give you what you want. If not, you deserve to find someone who will. There will be another guy. Don’t waste the pretty in a dead end relationship.
Xoxo
Aunt Sue
What do you all think? Have you been in Rachel’s shoes? Did your ultimatum succeed or fail? Why?
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Sue Said: “Be committed to follow through. You must be willing to walk if your ultimatum is rejected.
Issuing an ultimatum is a high-risk strategy with very high stakes. It takes enormous personal strength to pull it off and see it through, but it is a very efficient way of determining where you stand.”
I say: Yep. I totally agree. This is a great post. If I have learned ANYTHING from my lousy romantic experiences it is that it is better to walk to than to struggle in something where I am not satisfied (especially in the early stages of a relationship). In my experience the struggle only got worse and in the meantime it chipped away at who I was. But if I walked away, I still had myself and I of course met many more wonderful people than if I had been holed up with the struggler the whole time. But it takes a LOT of guts and this is just something I think each person has to come to within themselves.
Knowing what the limits are and making them clear to yourself and to the other person really helps. There are certain things that you just CAN'T do to me. If you do them, its over. I simply CAN NOT allow you to be a part of my life anymore, even if I want to. I've found that figuring out what these things are and communicating them clearly has gotten easier with time and experience. But its never easy!
Singlutionary, I really like your description of how struggling in a relationship chips away at who you are. I think that's true. Poor Rachel seems emotionally exhausted at this point, while I suspect that Tyler would say “It's all good!” My fear is that when she tells him why it's not working, he will have absolutely no idea what she is talking about. She has displayed enormous courage, and I believe she does realize that he is going to disappoint her – that's why she wrote. We live and learn, and Rachel is learning a tough lesson this time. Sometimes the source of the struggle just isn't worth it.
[...] Original post by Hooking Up Smart [...]
I'm torn here…Rachel does deserve to be in a relationship where the guy is as into her as she is into him – clearly! But how long has it been since the ultimatum was given? I guess it seems like Tyler is trying a little…? I dunno what to think. But I guess no, I don't think the ultimatum worked because I don't think she asked for what she really wanted – and if she had it kind of seems like the answer would be no.
I've only given one ultimatum – my best friend and I dated on and off for years but never seriously, and one day I asked him to just commit or I was never going to talk to him again. He said he “couldn't right now, i love you, i don't want to shut the door completely… blah blah blah” and we haven't talked since.
Wow! OMG I can't believe you did that! That is amazing, you are so strong. I totally respect and admire that. It can't have been easy to lose a best friend. Re Tyler, I agree that he has tried. I just don't think he is in love. Since that is what she feels for him, she's better off cutting ties, like you had the sense to do!
I think it is hard to figure out what is really going on because we don't know exactly what Rachel has said to Tyler. It seems clear that she cares about him more then he cares about her. However, I'm not sure if she has sat him down and said I think I'm really falling for you. It sounds like it is more the it hurts me that you are seeing other girls type situation. I think that they need to have the really serious talk if Rachel wants to know if he is in it for the right reasons. It is going to be hard, but I agree with everyone, she is better off cutting ties if she has stronger feeling for him then he does for her. She will only end up getting more hurt and as my guy friend told my over the weekend why waste time on someone when it just isn't right. It is going to hurt for a bit, but in the end she will free herself up for someone that does make her feel like everything is great and she is great. Maybe what she is also realizing is that this isn't the type of relationship she wants and as perfect as she thought Tyler was for her he isn't and she doesn't want to let go of the idea that they are right for each other. It sounds like she worked really hard to get to the point where Tyler said that they were exclusive and then that they were bf/gf that giving up on this relationship is going to be really hard even after she issues the ultimatum.
“Maybe what she is also realizing is that this isn't the type of relationship she wants and as perfect as she thought Tyler was for her he isn't”
Megan, I agree with everything you say, but this bit above is the crux of the matter. The truth is, once Megan gets past it she will see that it wasn't all that great, because it never made her feel all that great. She deserves someone who will make her feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. Tyler doesn't seem like a bad guy, he just doesn't seem right for Rachel. Who knows, maybe this will be his wakeup call and he'll come around to appreciating her. I've seen it happen.
I think everyone has very valid and solid points and they are all good. I have given two ultimatums in my life, both after I was married. I gave them, stuck to them, and one caused change, the other backfired in my face. I think it is also good to mention that, especially in todays dating society, giving a guy an ultimatum 3 months or even 6 months in is, I think, a recipe for disaster. At 3 months you are just getting into the rythmn of things, at 6 you are finally figuring out who that other person is. Giving an ultimatum too soon, in my opinion, would only cause the guy to balk.
Beki, your point about timing is really interesting. It's true that guys do freak out if girls get too “serious” too soon. On the other hand, if you wait you may be wasting precious time, i.e. your youth and beauty! I think women need to listen to their “guts”, or intuition. I think we really know deep down when a guy is into us. When we like a guy enough (or too much), we tend to make excuses, rationalize, etc. In that case, an ultimatum is a wakeup call. Maybe we should get better at reading the situations in the first place….
“There are certain things that you just CAN'T do to me. If you do them, its over. I simply CAN NOT allow you to be a part of my life anymore, even if I want to.”
Excellent. It says it all, and states that you love yourself more than you do a fantasy.
Strategically-speaking, the key of the ultimatum is the follow-through, in my opinion. But I have a huge “BUT” in this topic. I know the case of a 30-year-old woman who was in a relationship for 2 1/2 years and wanted to get married. The guy supposedly didn’t believe in marriage. She gave him an ultimatum and he agreed to marry her. He bought a gorgeous ring but couldn’t bring himself to officially propose to her. So when she found out she gave him another ultimatum. This time he said he would do it at his pace, so she ended it. Again, strategically-speaking, I think that this second time her mistake was that she kept answering his calls, getting together “to talk” and basically, not distancing enough and not giving him the opportunity to miss her. The guy met someone new and the calls to the ex turned fewer and fewer. Only eight months later, he married this new girl he met. Bottom line is, and I think Rachel’s case illustrates this perfectly too, you can get a guy to do things through ultimatums and other well-played strategies, but there’s absolutely nothing you can do to make someone love you when they don’t. And that is a good thing, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t really love me and I don’t want to be the obstacle in a good guy’s path to find his true love.
Wow, that's right out of a movie! It seems like I hear that story a lot – a guy isn't ready for marriage, but meets someone new, and bam, engaged. In He's Just Not That Into You, the author says whenever a guy says he isn't ready for something, you need to add the words “with you” onto the end of the sentence. I think that's right.
This woman had the same problem that Rachel had. The guy just wasn't into it enough. No woman wants to drag a man into a relationship reluctantly. If he “sees the light” after having a chance to miss her, as you say, fine. But I agree with you – “settling” in this way is a waste for everyone concerned.
Strategically-speaking, the key of the ultimatum is the follow-through, in my opinion. But I have a huge “BUT” in this topic. I know the case of a 30-year-old woman who was in a relationship for 2 1/2 years and wanted to get married. The guy supposedly didn’t believe in marriage. She gave him an ultimatum and he agreed to marry her. He bought a gorgeous ring but couldn’t bring himself to officially propose to her. So when she found out she gave him another ultimatum. This time he said he would do it at his pace, so she ended it. Again, strategically-speaking, I think that this second time her mistake was that she kept answering his calls, getting together “to talk” and basically, not distancing enough and not giving him the opportunity to miss her. The guy met someone new and the calls to the ex turned fewer and fewer. Only eight months later, he married this new girl he met. Bottom line is, and I think Rachel’s case illustrates this perfectly too, you can get a guy to do things through ultimatums and other well-played strategies, but there’s absolutely nothing you can do to make someone love you when they don’t. And that is a good thing, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t really love me and I don’t want to be the obstacle in a good guy’s path to find his true love.
Wow, that's right out of a movie! It seems like I hear that story a lot – a guy isn't ready for marriage, but meets someone new, and bam, engaged. In He's Just Not That Into You, the author says whenever a guy says he isn't ready for something, you need to add the words “with you” onto the end of the sentence. I think that's right.
This woman had the same problem that Rachel had. The guy just wasn't into it enough. No woman wants to drag a man into a relationship reluctantly. If he “sees the light” after having a chance to miss her, as you say, fine. But I agree with you – “settling” in this way is a waste for everyone concerned.