Recently I was talking to a girl in her early twenties and listening to her dating woes. She has her heart set on this one little college boy who will make out with her and then never call. She’s sure he’s “the one” even though the only time he’s coming around is if she’s putting out and she can’t quite figure that out yet.
She mentioned another guy who had recently shown interest in her but she said he was 25. When I asked what the problem was, she said (with a disgusted look on her face) “Ew, he’sold!”
Now, as a man who has just recently strolled past his mid-30’s, I don’t think I’m old. I know for certain that 25 isn’t old. And yet here was this little 21 year old telling me how turned off she was by this “old man” who had hit on her. Well, for all you “little girls” out there who can’t move beyond the little boys and into the real men, here’s what you’re missing out on:
1. No “little boy” games. If you get your kicks off the “we’re dating/no we’re not” daily roller coaster ride, then you don’t want an older guy. Men in their 30’s usually have enough experience to know ahead of time what they like and don’t. If it’s going to be purely physical, most of the time we’re beyond the point of stringing you along forever to get you in bed. The clock’s ticking and we know it, so if they just want sex and you aren’t easy prey, they’ll move on.
On the other hand, if they continue to show interest in you, you can judge their sincerity. Most thirty-somethings and above are beyond the crap and can show genuine interest in a woman because we’re looking for something more.
2. The future is mapped out.When you’re dating a 22 year old boy who says he wants to be a rock star, that’s cute. You might date him and tell your friends he’s going to be the next Justin Timberlake or whatever. You have no way of knowing if he’s serious or not. Unfortunately, it may take you 8 years to figure out he’s not going to actually ever get famous, and by that time you’ve invested so much time into the relationship you can’t move on.
On the other hand, a man in his mid-30’s knows where he’s going and how he wants to get there. If he says he’s going to own his own business, then if he’s not well on his way you can count him out. He has either gone to college and done something with his degree, or might possibly be in college getting a degree to better himself. Most of our dreams are dead by 35 as cold, hard reality has set in. We know that the only way to actually accomplish anything in life is to apply ourselves and make that happen. You can look at this man and know ahead of time what your future together will probably be.
3. We take our time. Understand something, a man in his mid-30’s no longer notches the bed post (for the most part). He’s looking for a
relationship, and when the intimacy begins he’s in no hurry to finish it. Sports are great, and the stock market is interesting, but when cloth leaves skin the focus change s. There’s a reason why James Bond is always played by a man in his late 30’s, you know.
We know where the “hot spots” are. We actually know about foreplay. We are looking for an earth-shattering hour. We are not some college frat boy who is going to slam it home and then go grab a brew. You never know…you might actually get something out of the experience rather than hoping you can catch up before your boyfriend ends the show.
4. We respect you. This one is interesting. You can take it or leave it and we don’t care. We’ve been with enough losers to understand a psychochick when we see her, and we can usually see those warning signs long before they arrive. If we show interest in you, and you reciprocate, we’re going to try and make this work. We will actually listen when you talk, and can possibly even remember things you like. We aren’t sitting there while you’re speaking thinking, “Chick, shut up and get naked!” (well, I mean, we might be–we aren’t dead after all–but we’re still going to listen). We’re not going to talk about your exploits to our buddies, or post private pictures of you on the Internet, or forget your phone number after we make out. We’re beyond the games, and ready for something serious.
And finally…
5. We’re mature (for the most part). 
Look, women are more mature than men most of the time, and I can readily accept and acknowledge this. So when you find an older man, you are finding someone who just might be your equal in maturity. You both might have similar goals in the relationship, and by that time in a man’s life he’s probably got similar goals as far as a family goes too. Your pretty boy college boyfriend might not want kids because he’s afraid it’ll cut into his fun with his buddies, while an older man is ready for kids and could actually end up being a father who actually participates in raising the kids.
I have a friend who is 43 and just married a girl who is 25. She’s head-over-heels in love with him, and vice versa. Their age difference has caused quite a few people to raise their eyebrows, but when I see them together I don’t notice anything besides the fact that they are obviously made for each other.
So hey, next time you’re considering a guy to date, don’t automatically take him out of the running because he’s a few years older than you. You might not appreciate the difference now, but it just might make all the difference for a successful relationship in the long run.
As a 20 year old female who dates mostly men hovering right under the 30 mark I can attest to the fact that this post is not entirely true. Many single males that are older and cool with the idea of dating a really young girl are not all that grown up. Not that I still don't like them better than some 20 year old. But the difference I see is almost opposite to this post. It is the younger guys who get really attached and want to be with you all the time. The older guys seem to be able to live their lives and respect that i have my own life. Also, they can hold their liquor better and they know what they want and they are more up to deal with straight forward women (like me). Perhaps the difference is I date older men that aren't looking for a relationship? I don't know.. all I know is that I think you are giving Older Men more credit that they are due. It's hard to make generalizations on topics like this. But I do appreciate that you are letting young women know that it is okay to date up, way, way up.
-Mary
I have recently started dating a man who is 31 and I am 24. It has been so different than any guy I have ever dated. He doesn't play any games. Most of the stuff I read is true to the behaviors I have seen him actually do. He is confident and knows what he is looking for. It has been a refreshing experience that I am loving.
Stina, that's awesome! It sure beats waiting for younger guys to grow up. All the best with that worthy guy!
Hmmm, sounds like it's hard to find a good man, period! I'm gonna see if I can get The Truthful Man to weigh in here.
I've always had crushes on guys who are like 26/27, but have only started dating one now (I am 23…); I think I mostly like them because they seem comfortable in who they are – genuinely – and they have their shit together.
I would feel awkward dating anyone who is 32 or older because my brothers are 32 and 35; how awkward would it be if Mr. Boyfriend had more in common with my brothers than me? They'd be reminiscing about seeing star wars and the jerk in theatres I'd all be all “Totally…before I was born…”
Mary, I agree. When my best friend was 19 she met her future husband, the 36. I thought it was screwed up but not just because of the age difference. It was screwed up because he didn't have a car and wasn't a grown up himself. Their marriage ended after 7 years when she got tired of supporting him while he dropped out of school every semester (school that her parents paid for).
I prefer grown up men but age doesn't necessarily equate grown-up-ness.
This is an interesting post. I am 26 years old and have recently realized that I need to start dating guys who are older then me. I have dated a 33 year old in the past that was a loser. He did know what he wanted but he dragged me around a little bit. I think he just wasn't mature yet. I recently dated a 26 year old who also knew what he wanted and didn't drag me around at all, but wasn't very up front about it. I think he may have been a little confused, but I also think that is me trying to make myself feel better.
I think that Truthful Man is mostly right here. Guys in their 30's if they are ready for a relationship will be much better to date. Even guys in their 30's who aren't are better to date. However, I there are some exceptions to the rules (there always are). For instance I think it depends greatly on what City or area you live in. I know in NYC guys don't really seem ready for a relationship until they are in like their mid 30s. Even the decent 20 year olds seem to think they should be going around dating a bunch of girls and sleeping with all of them. I think maybe an age difference is a good thing, but really it is more finding a person who is ready for the same thing as you regardless of age. My mom has a friend who meet her husband when he was a freshmen in college and she was a masters studen (he is younger by 5 years)t. They are madly in love and have been since they first meet. So to me age really is just a number and if we limit ourselves one way or the other we might be preventing ourselves from meeting the man of our dreams.
I find the idea of geographical differences very interesting! Maybe we all need to move to Iowa and find a nice corn-fed boy.
Also, a lot of the comments reflect that age is no guarantee of maturity or relationship readiness. As always, we need to be selective about who we spend time with, regardless of age. There are plenty of aging Peter Pans around, and also some really good and grounded guys who are not yet 21.
To be honest, every man is different. Some age gracefully and become James Bond. Some…not so much and seem to have more in common with Jim Carrey. I think for the most part though, we end up truly discovering ourselves at that mid-30's point and it's all downhill from there. If you've been finding the older guys around you turning out to be nothing more than kids, maybe you need to step it up a couple of years and try someone a little above the 30 mark instead of just below it. Hopefully you'll find that perfect someone. It's what we all search for from time to time.
This makes a lot of sense to me. Of course there will always be guys who never mature. Obviously, age is not a guarantee of anything. However, there are many guys who are still kids at 18-21, who will mature into wonderful men. They just need time, and women need to understand that. For that reason, I agree with The Truthful Man. If you can, date up a few years. Personally, I always have felt that 28 was the perfect age for guys – they're peaking physically (sexy) and generally have gotten their act together.
This post seems like a cunning plan to help 35-year-old men get laid by college chicks.
OMG I never thought of that! I know college women get frustrated with the general lack of maturity on campus, and I think dating older guys is a great idea if you are in a position to know any. But that doesn't mean you want to be hanging out with shady guys in their 30s who are commitment phobic. I'd say date up about 5 years and see if that age group is more relationship-ready.
This is the flipside of #2 — if a guy in his mid 30s hasn't settled into a career yet, his lifepath *is* set: you have to assume he's a loser for life. Run far, far away. Someone who has had a perfectly respectable career but is now changing careers in some goal-oriented way may be workable, but you need to be careful that he's not just another loser who's giving you excuses.
P.S. If you're reading this and are afraid this describes you, well, you have a job of work ahead of you. Worry about establishing the career first, and convincing people you've turned over a new leaf second.
This is the flipside of #2 — if a guy in his mid 30s hasn't settled into a career yet, his lifepath *is* set: you have to assume he's a loser for life. Run far, far away. Someone who has had a perfectly respectable career but is now changing careers in some goal-oriented way may be workable, but you need to be careful that he's not just another loser who's giving you excuses.
P.S. If you're reading this and are afraid this describes you, well, you have a job of work ahead of you. Worry about establishing the career first, and convincing people you've turned over a new leaf second.