You Are Not a Fool, Even If You Fell For a Dickhead

“I feel the capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest significance.”

 
Pablo Casals

 

Dear Aunt Sue,

I recently found out that the guy I was totally in love with was totally playing me. I feel like the biggest fool. I just want to crawl under a rock and never come out. How could I have been such an idiot? I really believed he loved me! I’m ashamed to even show my face around his friends.

Sasha

Dear Sasha,

Loving someone does not make you a fool, even if it turns out that they are not worthy of your love. It is never shameful to care for another human being. In the end, that’s the most important thing we really have. Our relationships with the people we love, and the differences we have made in each other’s lives.

When someone treats us badly, and breaks our heart in the process, we often feel foolish for having believed in something that wasn’t real. We cared deeply for someone, and it turns out they couldn’t care less about us. We envision them sitting around with their friends having a good laugh at our expense, and we are filled with shame.

How could we not have realized? Why didn’t we see through their deceit? After the fact, it all seems painfully obvious. We look back and identify moments that felt so right, so genuine. But it turns out they couldn’t have been; they were dishonest. We may recall some times when we thought a remark or incident seemed strange, but we repressed those nagging thoughts, not wanting to spoil the great chemistry.

Losing someone is painful. Just because we see now that that person is unworthy of us, it doesn’t diminish the loss. We have lost a relationship that made us happy, even if it was under false pretenses. Our happiness was real, it was just built on a shaky foundation. Our feelings don’t evaporate the moment we learn we were deceived. You are not a fool if you believed in someone, and it turns out they were lying to you.

However, there are times when we do behave foolishly. We all do it, but it is important to realize when we have done it, so that we can learn from our mistakes.

There are two key ways that you can be a fool, and they both involve dishonesty.

1. Pretend to be something you’re not:

•       Act like a party girl who just wants a good time.
•       Use liquid courage to get rid of your feelings of self-consciousness about hooking up.
•       Have sex before you feel ready, claiming it is no big deal.
•       Say you are not looking for a relationship when you are.
•       Act like you are not emotionally engaged when you are.
•       Keep expectations low.
•       Don’t communicate when you are upset.
•       Disregard the advice of your friends.
•       Tolerate disrespectful treatment, e.g. booty call, last minute plans.
•       Reel him in by trying to make him jealous.

 

Unfortunately, many women do all of the above in hopes of finding the guy first, and the relationship later. However, if you get a guy under false pretenses, you have, in effect, deceived him. If you intend to keep it casual, but wind up catching feelings for him, you need to communicate that or you risk getting hurt. If you take your chances, and you get burned, well then…you are a fool.

2. Allow him to pretend to be something he’s not:

•       Does he express real emotion, or is he really just flirting?
•       Does he back up his talk with actions?
•       Does he express his interest in you consistently, or does his attention ebb and flow?
•       Does he make spending time with you a priority?
•       Does he keep in touch when you are apart?
•       Does he do things to hurt you, then apologize and expertly talk his way out of it?
•       Does he respect your body, your feelings and your time?

 

I think women know in their hearts, or in their guts, when guys are genuinely invested. If you have to wonder, then assume he’s not, or have a real conversation about the relationship. If you go along hoping for the best, and it turns out he was never really that into you, well then…you are a fool.

 

If neither of these is the case, and you find yourself deceived and taken advantage of, then you are not a fool. You are a victim. You will move forward with your life, and there will be other relationships. Next time around you will be sensitive to the signs of insincerity. You have every reason to be proud of your capacity for love. That is what life is all about.

Xoxo

Aunt Sue

Related posts:

1. The Girls’ Kickass Guide to Getting Over a Breakup
2. Are You Dating a Narcissist?
3. Thinking Outside the Friend Box
4. The Sweetness of Surrender (His)
5. Sexual Attraction + Compatibility = Nothing?

Tags: breakup, college, dating, dumped, fool, hooking up, love, player, relationships