Getting Off By Doing Good
Today I’m sharing a couple of important Public Service Announcements. First, a heartwarming story about two Boy Scout Volunteers who generously assist women in the community:
12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Volunteer To Give Women Breast Exams
Second, while you were feeling angsty about swine flu last week, you probably missed the real epidemic threat as identified by the nation’s Plastic Surgeon General: small breasts.
Here are excerpts from the story at The Onion:
“The undersized breasts problem in the United States has reached crisis level,” Saddler said during a press conference held at the National Centers for Rhinoplasty and Microdermabrasion. “Unless they receive immediate cosmetic treatment, millions of women in this country will lose the attention of their male acquaintances completely, and some may never be able to land husbands or, if they are somehow already married, keep their husbands’ interest.”
Added Saddler, “I urge all Americans to educate themselves about the differences between silicone and saline, and contact my secretary Linda to set something up.”
“A woman who suspects that she may have this condition can verify it with an extremely quick, normally painless test,” said Saddler, later adding that symptoms such as a fluid, natural movement of the bosom or any breast shape other than a perfectly round, rock-hard grapefruit should also serve as definitive warning signs. “It’s as simple as consulting a trained professional such as a strip-club bouncer or licensed drywaller to assess your personal risk.”
Citing statistics showing that small breasts strike women of every age, ethnicity, and socioeconomic status, and that every region of the United States is uniformly affected with the exception of Southern California, the plastic surgeon general stressed that a nation of under-breasted women is “everyone’s problem.”
“The younger a woman is when she realizes that she has this problem, the better off we’ll all be,” said Sen. Wayne Allard (R-CO), head of the recently formed Itty-Bitty Titty Senate Subcommittee.
Aren’t you relieved to know that there are concerned males all around us who have our best interests at heart?
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