The Stamina of Michael Phelps. Ouch!
This week Michael Phelps was awarded a gold medal for stamina by a stripper who participated in a three-way with him and a lap dancer. She claimed he was able to perform for three hours straight:
“The sex lasted for about three hours. Michael should get another Olympic gold for marathon love-making!”
Whoo hoo, you can’t be serious. There’s not enough lube in the world to make that pleasurable. Even if he divided his time between the stripper and the lap dancer, that’s still a solid 90 minutes of thrusting per vagina. At about 90 tpm’s, that’s over 8,000 thrusts per girl. Um, no. No, thank you. That right there is a myth that needs to be debunked immediately.
Guys are getting so much bad information, first from porn, then from each other, and apparently from strippers on occasion. It’s a deadly vicious cycle.
It will be your job to lead them to the land of milk and honey where women smile contentedly and all the sex is above average!
Here’s my recommended script for stopping the insanity. Sit your partner down asap and tell the truth. Completion of this task will earn you undying gratitude from your sisters in mediocre sex:
Myth #1: Women want you to last a long time.
“Don’t get all excited, you still have to try. If you last thirty seconds, we’re gonna tweet and text that news all over the place. Basically, a few minutes is fine for most women. Since many women don’t have orgasms during intercourse, it works best for them to go first. Penetration is nice afterwards, but let’s face it; at that point it’s more about what you need. So you needn’t be drawing things out unnecessarily, causing us to miss the Lost finale and such.”
Every woman I know has been known to glance over at the digital clock and marvel that only 9 minutes have passed since he started. After twenty minutes, our minds wander to the Nordstrom’s Half Yearly sale, which starts Wednesday!
Myth #2: If it’s wet and slippery, it will feel amazing when you touch it.
“I know that you have figured out that there is such a thing as the clitoris. (Engineering majors get a pass on this.) But you waste a lot of time fumbling around the whole damned area. If the entry point were so delightful, we’d be inserting tampons even when we weren’t on our periods, now, wouldn’t we? Do you have any idea how frustrating it is when all we want is for you to ZERO IN, and you’re preoccupied with trying to stick three fingers in at once? Finding the spot where the magic happens is really extremely straightforward. You just need to follow True North, so bring a compass if you can’t figure it out.”
One guy likened looking for the clit to going spelunking, but he must be with women who have had, like, 13 kids if it’s a cave he’s entering. Once he strikes gold, you can direct him to slip off slightly to whatever side you prefer. I was once with a guy who seemed to think he was calling for the elevator. Poor little rosebud!
Myth #3: Oral sex is optional.
I was horrified the other day when a young woman told me that her ex was not a fan of going downtown. What? She was with this guy for a while! I demanded to know if he had ever done that for her. “Yeah,” she said, “but infrequently, and of very short duration. He was not an enthusiast.” Not an enthusiast? Buddy, you wanna ride on this bus, you are going to have to go downtown, that’s all there is to it. So I asked her to estimate what percentage of guys love giving oral sex, based on her experience, plus what her guy friends say. She put it at 10%.
10%!!!!!
This is the age of female sexual empowerment! Why are girls not demanding this of their sex partners?
“You don’t like the taste or smell? False. Not possible. That has to be cultural conditioning. Evolution or creation, either way the nectar of the vajayjay has to be ambrosia to men. Has to be. If it wasn’t, we would smell and taste different, or there wouldn’t be any sex. Oh, and by the way, they don’t call it diving for nothing. Get in there and plan to get fully submerged. Man up and go down!”
Myth #4: We don’t want you to give up trying until we come.
“This may sound contradictory to the recommendations above. It is not. There are some times when a woman is not going to feel the earth move. For whatever reason, sometimes the sensations morph from excruciatingly pleasurable to just excruciating. We want you to stop, but we know your feelings will be hurt if we tell you to just give it up. It is not personal, and if you have tried, and you are happy, then we can be happy too. We appreciate the effort, and would like a rain check, please. The woman’s hierarchy of sexual needs looks something like this for most women:
First Place Finish: Significant orgasm
Second Place Finish: Blip orgasm
Third Place Finish: Intimate sex with no orgasm
Honorable Mention: A for effort, but no deal
You’re Fired: You didn’t notice either way
We’ll be happy if you place anywhere in the top three.”
Myth #5: We care how big your penis is.
“Well, we do care a little, but honestly, we care very little. And we only care at all because this is where we fall victim to cultural conditioning. If you were to blindfold a woman and ask her to guess the size of various penises entering her one after the other”
(entering reverie) Oh, sorry, where was I? Oh, right
“she would be unable to tell apart all but the penises two standard deviations from the mean. Seven inches hurts our cervix, for your information. Getting pounded from behind with a big one gets old fast. Three inches will get the job done, providing the same friction and covering the g-spot for those women lucky enough to have them, sigh. So stop strutting around acting like a douche bag if you’ve got a big wing wang. We’d rather have the pint-sized delight.”
Note: I know I’m not speaking for every woman here. We’re all different. What have I left out? Oh, and if you are a woman who has six lovely orgasms on average during a three hour intercourse sesh, please feel free to not comment. If you’re a guy, please go back and commit the above material to memory.
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Susan! I am afraid to comment!
Well, actually, I agree with you that 3 hours is way too long and 6 orgasms is way too many. Unless of course that three hours is broken up with some naps in between. I hump like a man. I do it once and then I like to have a little nap before the next round. And I don't like to cuddle.
So. The oral myth. I know lots of ladies love it. I don't. I hate having a guy lick my whoohoo. No matter how good he is it just reminds me of my dog drinking water or licking herself down there. Slightly gross and very boring. So I guess my advice to men is: try and go down on her and if she kinda resists you can ask her if she likes it and if the answer is “no” then send god a thank you note cause you're off the hook.
And I totally 100% agree with #4. Sometimes I am done even when I don't orgasm. I am just done. Its just as good. Maybe I had a sleeper orgasm and didn't notice. I don't know. But I am satisfied and we can quit now and take a nap. Just don't try and snuggle.
Haha, didn't mean to frighten you, I'm glad you commented. No cuddling? I love to cuddle, but I'm right there with you on the snuggling question during sleep. Get OFF me while I try to sleep!
Another girl was telling me this a.m. that she just hates oral. There should be a matchmaking service that pairs those who love it separate from those who don't. We don't want to lose any guys from that team to a girl who doesn't even like it! I guess I just feel strongly that the guy should be 100% willing to do it. Cheerfully.
Not sure if I want to comment myself, but I have to say this is one of my favorites of your posts. You hit it right on the head. Pun intended.
#4…oh so true!
And also, some of us don't like too much clitoral stimulation. I have my best orgasms from deep penetration (sorry for the TMI), and I think the best thing you can do to figure out what your lady likes is to stop reading advice on the internet and just ask her!
Thanks Michelle! I'm always glad when my readers think I make at least some sense…;)
That's not TMI! I appreciate your being willing to comment. I'm learning that lots of women feel the way that you do about clitoral stimulation – it can be too direct and painful. You are lucky that you can orgasm thru penetration, I believe you're in the minority. In any case, I agree that giving straightforward feedback in bed is the shortest route to good orgasms for everyone concerned.
Love your blog and generally good advice.
So pardon, if you will, my absolute dismay that you would print skanky gossip about a real person. Were you there when Mr. Phelps did the deed? Is it true? Is it necessary to tell? Is it kind? Would you like it if I had a blog and wrote about how ole susanawalsh took it up the @*tt like a real champ for a couple of hours?
Surprised, that is a fair criticism. You're right, I didn't question the source, this story was justt all over the news for a day or so. I was questioned about it during a radio interview, and felt the need to say then that the stripper in no way represents the priorities of most women.
However, please note that I did say the stripper “claimed” he had lasted three hours. Also, the point of the post was not about him per se. I don't care how long he lasts! The story about him in the news was just a jumping off point to discuss myths generally surrounding sex and women.
In any case, thanks for commenting, and for reading HUS.
“Evolution or creation, either way the nectar of the vajayjay has to be ambrosia to men. Has to be. If it wasn’t, we would smell and taste different, or there wouldn’t be any sex.” I enjoyed the rest of your post, but the reasoning here just doesn't make any sense. You can do better.
How does it not make sense? What I was getting at is that our bodies are incredibly complex organisms fine-tuned to perform all necessary functions, the most important of which is mating. It doesn't make sense that the smell and taste of women's genitals would be unpleasant to men, for that would discourage procreation. What does make sense is that the way women smell and taste send out powerful pheromone messages to men in a way that makes sex more likely.
“Evolution or creation, either way the nectar of the vajayjay has to be ambrosia to men. Has to be. If it wasn’t, we would smell and taste different, or there wouldn’t be any sex.” I enjoyed the rest of your post, but the reasoning here just doesn't make any sense. You can do better.
How does it not make sense? What I was getting at is that our bodies are incredibly complex organisms fine-tuned to perform all necessary functions, the most important of which is mating. It doesn't make sense that the smell and taste of women's genitals would be unpleasant to men, for that would discourage procreation. What does make sense is that the way women smell and taste send out powerful pheromone messages to men in a way that makes sex more likely.
“Don’t get all excited, you still have to try. If you last thirty seconds, we’re gonna tweet and text that news all over the place. “
so funny, The girl I'm seeing dumped one of her exes because he used to came so fast… of course, she told that to all of her female friends! poor guy…
Premature ejaculation is terrible for everyone. I dated one guy that experienced it for months, and it was very frustrating for both of us. Unfortunately, he insisted it was just because I was so hot, which was true, haha, but had never been a problem before.
It definitely made me dread sex with him, which was obviously not good for our relationship. I know men are horrified by it too – it can be caused by stress and other things, from what I understand. There is actually a way of working through it, involving masturbation, so I would encourage any guy dealing with PE to get help for it.
“It definitely made me dread sex with him, which was obviously not good for our relationship.” poor fella, so his situation did not improve with time?
I'm sorry to say we did break up about six months in. I'm sure it got resolved in the end for him, and that was not our only problem, by any means. In fact, it may well be that the issues we were having caused or contributed to his difficulty.
“we did break up about six months in” that's just PC for you broke up with him
Busted! True, I dumped him, and it really was the PE that did us in. It wasn't only that the sex got terrible, but as I mentioned above, it was something he didn't want to confront. I was at fault for being “too sexy.” To be honest, when he couldn't control his orgasm, it made him seem weak and pathetic. Not manly, not in control. I pitied him, and pity is the fastest way to kill attraction, even in an established relationship (he was my college bf for 3 years at that point).
“he was my college bf for 3 years at that point” so you stayed with him for 3 years? I thought it was six months.
Anyways, I had something similar to me happen 2 years ago. I went out with a cute girl who was tall, as I am myself, however she had small breasts for her physique that she was self-conscious about….I broke up with her after 4-5 months in because I found myself ogling girls who were “voluptuous” and I know that if I didn't break up with her, I would end up cheating on her. was I selfish? yes but hey, we all want to find the best mate for us.
As for Premature Ejaculation, it is a more complicated manner, especially if we are talking “chronic PE” (like in your case). because it relates to the sensitivity of the glans and the prepuce. It also depends if he was circumcised or not. several circumcised men do have chronic premature ejaculation because some of the sensitive skin is more exposed due to the type of circumcision while some other men have the opposite effect (difficulty to achieve orgasm) due to dryness and lack of sensitivity…so it is quite hard to control.
Another thing is to consider is , what is the optimum duration which is a very subjective matter? perhaps it's the women who is late to achieve her orgasm?
but that also makes a man think…if one day something happens to him sexually and he wont be able to perform as well as he used to, will she leave him? that's not an incentive to commit!
“To be honest, when he couldn't control his orgasm, it made him seem weak and pathetic. Not manly, not in control. I pitied him, and pity is the fastest way to kill attraction, even in an established relationship”.
That might go against some feminist thinking that being manly and in control while women should be gentle and feminine is a social construct which is why now I identify myself as a Heterosexual Male with dominant and slight sadistic tendencies!
Though I agree, The lamest way to get laid with a women is to try and inspire pity and sympathy from her (the way nice guys try to do!)…unless she is mother theresa!
I saw an article once on the swedish way of life and casual sex. There was a swedish women who was asked what is your perfect man? she answered without hesitation:
“I want him to be handsome and good in bed, a good father, and that he doesn't get bitter when we divorce!”
“To be honest, when he couldn't control his orgasm, it made him seem weak and pathetic. Not manly, not in control”
I thought you wanted a man to be your equal, to share the Power/control and not be so emotionally stronger than you but at the same level emotionally as you and not be afraid to share his emotions…
I've never said that I don't want a man to be very strong. I don't think it matters whether he is stronger than me emotionally, and I don't know how you would even determine that. But we all know that women find weakness in a man unattractive. A man who shares his emotions with confidence – the sense that he believes he deserves his feelings to be reciprocated or understood, is what women want. We will respect him, no matter how intimate his sharing is. On the other hand, a man who whines, etc. repulses women. In this case, he turned me off by trying to sell the situation as one where he was fine, I was trouble. In fairness, he was only 21 at the time, and I'm sure he was freaked out.
Also, power and control are never exactly equal in a relationship. There is always a pursuer and a distancer. And that can change and fluctuate over time. The most successful relationships are not defined rigidly, but allow for this ebb and flow.
” man who shares his emotions with confidence – the sense that he believes he deserves his feelings to be reciprocated or understood, is what women want. We will respect him, no matter how intimate his sharing is. “
that's interesting…though can a man “whine confidently” then or is it an oxymoron?
ex: if he feels that he is always the pursuer in the relationship and the more invested party and therefore wishes she would invest in the relationship equally on an emotional and material level. how to convey that without sounding off as weak or whining ?
“In this case, he turned me off by trying to sell the situation as one where he was fine, I was trouble.”
I'm interested to know how is him letting you know that you are “too sexy and hot” and turn him on so much that he can't contain his orgasm is similar of accusing you of trouble ? or is it that him letting you know that you are too hot for him turned you off, and that in a way you felt you could do better for you were too good for him?
Best!
“I don't think it matters whether he is stronger than me emotionally, and I don't know how you would even determine that.”
oh by stronger emotionally, I meant having a stronger control on his emotions than you. i.e. being more able to manage his emotions and detach from them and not let them control his own actions or influence his decisions too much.
Hey, Mike, sorry for the delay, I'm back after the holiday. Whining confidently is absolutely an oxymoron. Whining is begging, which is weakness itself. It conveys that you believe you can only get what you want through the charity of others. A man who feels this way about himself will repel women. A man who says:
“I'm committed to this relationship, but I don't feel as though you are on the same page. If not, that's fine, but I'd like to know that now so that I don't waste my time.”
..shows that he cares but refuses to be taken advantage of, or waste his time and resources on an unworthy person.
A man needs to be determine his “walk away” point, and communicate that. If she doesn't, or can't, give him what he wants, he needs to have the self-respect to walk.
Re the PE problem, I know that's a really hard thing for guys to deal with. To be clear, this was my college BF for three years, and the sexual difficulty occurred during the final six months of our relationship. I knew I was not “too hot” because it came out of nowhere, and that had never been a problem before. My objection was that as time passed, I wished he would seek help to deal with the problem. He just kept saying, basically, that it was my fault. After six months of that, I was worn out. Also, our relationship was not going to survive graduation and relocation, so that also played a big part in things ending.
Yes, I do think that women prefer a man who has control over his emotions. I'm being honest – when I have made men cry in the past, it has been very difficult to watch, and made me pity them. A man can convey deep emotions, and can even tear up, etc., and still remain strong. It's when men resort to begging, whining, or other indications of weakness that they are doomed. Women abhor weak men. We are programmed to reject them through 10,000 years of evolution.
“when I have made men cry in the past, it has been very difficult to watch, and made me pity them.”
So you agree with the following statement that all things equal, women want men who are emotionally and egotistically stronger (i.e. not less fragile) than them.
From my observation, I learned the hard way that women want overall men who are stronger than them (physically and mentally), so all this talk about wanting someone their equal is somewhat quack!
the real question is how can one be Strong and Sensitive? isn't being equally strong and equally sensitive an oxymoron then?
best
OK, I don't think strength is the right concept here. A woman can cry her eyes out and be very strong and determined. A man can never shed a tear and be weak. Women want men to be strong, yes, but we are not concerned with “equal” here. Some women want to be with a dominant man, some prefer a more laid-back guy, but it is certainly possible to be strong and sensitive. A strong man doesn't put up with a lot of crap or let himself get jerked around. That doesn't have to mean he doesn't have strong feelings, it just means he has self-respect.
Hm, interesting response however for me having strong feelings is not necessarily synonymous with sensitivity.
The way I see it, being sensitive to someone's feelings is about being understanding, isn't that what some women want? someone who is understands their feelings? …however there is a limit to how much a person can be understanding/accommodating for another's feelings.
The whole concept of political correctness was created to assuage people and be more “sensitive” whence “sensitivity training” for employees. Now some people even claim that describing a black person as “black” is tantamount to violence and use the “of african descent” instead!
I can't see how someone can be very sensitive and understanding yet strong…because there is a threshhold where it is not “being understanding ” anymore, it's “being taken advantage of” and people can exploit this sensitivity/understanding of their spouse.
what's your take on it?
ex: a man's wife starts to get complacent and starts packing the pounds and takes him for granted, thinking that the man should be sensitive and understanding towards her craving for sugary things! well how about being sensitive towards my need of exchanging orgasms with young vigorous 20 y old women lol
I have to add in here as one of those women who have never liked getting oral sex. It has never done anything for me–I have trouble not letting my mind wander. It's possible I've just never been with any man good at it, I don't know. I also don't get anything out of giving oral, it doesn't turn me on, but I will if he likes it. As long as he doesn't expect a “finish” (I had one guy come in my mouth without warning once, and that turned me off so much I am very gun shy now), and don't be constantly begging for it.
I also can have vaginal orgasms–but only with larger than normal guys. After lots of foreplay. So, size does matter, in a way. Otherwise, I agree with the rest of your advice.
Hey, janipurr, nice to meet you, thanks for commenting! I think there are as many sexual preferences as there are people — I envy your ability to have a vaginal orgasm! And if size matters for you, fair enough. I can't speak for everyone, or indeed, anyone but myself. I think the important thing is to find someone who is willing and eager to find out what satisfies you.
As for giving oral to guys, I have actually never heard a woman say it totally turns her on in the sense of physical sensation. For me, it's a mental rush knowing I can make someone writhe in ecstasy, but is it my favorite thing to put in my mouth? No way!