Boycott Man Whores!
Man whore:
A sexually active, promiscuous, younger man who is well known at most health clinics and may have an STD named after him in his honor.
Would you date a man whore? Me neither.
What if he was willing, even eager, to be exclusive with you? Me neither.
Recently I’ve noticed a real and dramatic shift in the way girls talk about guys who are “players.” One recent conversation surprised me. Becka, a college junior, was talking about making plans with her good friend James now that they’re home for the summer. They’ve known each other since they were little, and for the past eight years he has made it clear that he is attracted to Becka. He is spellbound whenever she’s around. She has never encouraged him, though, and he hasn’t forced the issue. James is extraordinarily good looking, and a good guy, so I’ve wondered why Becka has never been interested in him. Recently I asked her straight out.
“His number’s too high,” she responded.
I said, “Wait a minute. He’s really hot, and girls throw themselves at him. What is he supposed to do? He’s a guy!”
“Oh, I know. I’m not judging him. You can’t blame him, I guess. I just don’t want to be with a guy who’s slept with, like, fifty girls.”
Are women are increasingly rejecting the advances of guys who are notorious for wanting NSA sex? How ironic! While fourth-wave feminists have spent their energy and political capital championing sexual empowerment and getting raunchy like the bad boys (see here and here), many other young women are saying, “You can have it.”
Instead of playing the victim’s “slut shaming” card, women are now shaming men who are sexually omnivorous. Is it possible that women can reverse the old double standard and level the playing field by rejecting men who have too much sex? Do girls think of some guys as hookup material and others as relationship material? Increasingly, the answer seems to be yes.
Here’s another recent example:
The other day I was speaking with a group of college seniors. They were talking about a scheduled parade for the hockey team, which had just won a championship. I asked if any of those guys was cute. The girls responded with exclamations of disgust.
“They might be hot, but they are all total man whores.”
“They’re rude. One of them called me a bitch when I wouldn’t make out with him at a party. I’d never even met him!”
“I hooked up with a hockey player, and then he obviously put my number into rotation for booty calls. For weeks I’d get these random texts to hook up, even though I never responded. I’m sure he was sending out mass texts. And I’m sure he got laid.”
The bottom line is that these women are increasingly speaking derisively of guys who are only out for sex, and approvingly of guys who are more selective. What’s up?
STD rates are skyrocketing.
- College students go for tests, praying they have something “curable” as opposed to herpes or HPV, two extremely common STIs among young people. Chlamydia and gonorrhea are very desirable outcomes.
- A survey released in February, 2004 by the University of North Carolina states that one of two sexually active college-age students will contract a sexually transmitted disease by age 25.
- A CDC study presented in March, 2008 revealed that around 26% of young American women aged 14-19 are infected with at least one of the four most common sexually transmitted infections. This amounts to around 3.2 million female teenagers. The most widespread infection is HPV (human papilloma virus, which can cause genital warts and cervical cancer), found in 18% of young women.
- Syphilis cases rose 88% from 2001-2007.
- Chlamydia cases rose 41% in the same time period. There are an estimated 3 million people in the U.S. who have the disease, and as many as one in 10 sexually active women would test positive for it, according to the American Social Health Association.
- According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, more than one in five American adolescents and adults are now infected with genital herpes.
Other Factors
- Women want the full array of options. They may choose to engage in casual sex at some points in their lives, and at other times they prefer relationship sex. They’re tired of finding only casual sex on the menu.
- Women have experienced first-hand the consequences of earning a reputation for promiscuity. It remains true that most men prefer to commit to a woman who has limited sexual experience. The more sex that women have casually, the smaller the pool of men available to them for relationships.
- Despite modern feminism’s embrace of female raunch culture, the vast majority of young women have no interest in defending their right to bare their breasts for Girls Gone Wild.
What do you say? Am I onto something here? Are you encouraged?
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Sounds like a nice theory to hope for but I don't feel it's completely true in this day and age where many high school/college-aged females are hooking up with anything that walks.
Hey, thanks for commenting. You may be right – at some point the casual sex pendulum is going to swing back the other way, but it may be early days yet. I do think the prevalence of STDs is a buzzkill for many girls and guys. It will be interesting to see what the tipping point is in the end.
I think you've made a great observation. The pendulum does swing back sometimes, but girls like the chase too, and “easy guys” don't cut it. It's not about leveling the playing field or cutting the double standard, it's about self respect. Guys need to recognize that girls talk just as much as guys do about “who's been around the block”.
Interesting point – that an “easy” guy presents no challenge. One thing I hear girls say is that guys who have a ton of casual sex are “dirty.” Purity is a concept that has always been applied to women in my experience. It's fair that guys be held accountable for their choices too.
“too used goods”
Its not my words. A friend of mine came up with this concept. She'll lovingly tell the man whores she knows to their face: “You know I love you, but you're too used goods!”
Haha, that's brilliant! I love it how she speaks the truth with affection…
I agree, I find a slutty man just as unattractive as a slutty woman, and you can bet that if he has had 20-30 prior relationships you will be the next one hung out to dry.
It really shows the importance of understanding a guy's history before you get too involved. Easy within a college or work setting, but much harder to ascertain if you meet as strangers.
Ok, this is where my college education helps me little. I went to an all women's college and have obviously heard about Muts (male sluts? maybe it'll catch on?) but have actually never experienced one myself! And I'd kind of like to keep it that way.
Muts – I haven't heard that before, that's pretty good. As searchingwithin pointed out above, one needs to also beware serial monogamists!
I so enjoy reading your articles. This one was interesting to me now being in a monogamous relationship for 5 years and part of his appeal was that he hadn't been a whoredog.
The Peach Tart
http://www.thepeachtart.blogspot.com
Hey, Peach Tart, thanks for commenting. I'm so happy that you like my blog, since you are a very smart and funny blogger in your own right! I do like to see the nice guys who know how to keep it zipped up get rewarded with the most discerning women.
This was an interesting article but, like you said, the STDs facts doesn't serve as a buzzkill for most. There will always be “male whores” as longs as there are “loose women”. For me personally, the number of girls a guy has slept with is a deal breaker. I cringed and bail if their number is over 20.
When you're young numbers seem like a big deal, but once you get closer to 40 and have been single for a while things just add up. I don't care how many women a man has been with in the past, or whether he was promiscuous in his younger days. Does he want the same thing I want now? I also have my own past which I do not regret. Someone who had been a serial monogamist attached to unhealthy codependent relationships is less appealing to me than a guy who had sowed his wild oats.
Fair enough, I'd say. It depends on age obviously…20 is a big number at 20, not so much at 35, perhaps. That dealbreaker number is going to be different for everyone, the most important thing is that you know where yours is.
Thanks for commenting, I totally agree with you on this (see my reply to johanenjc). And I do think some really good men do rack up the notches on the bedpost before they settle down. The boy James I wrote about above, for example. I know him, he's a great kid. When he is ready to settle down with one woman, he could be an awesome bf. I guess time will tell. He might even be better for having sowed all those wild oats when he was young. But I do understand why younger women are reluctant or wary of becoming one of those many notches.
I think that a lot of this comes down to the fact that it seems no one talks about the consequences of sex or the fact that saying no is an option that is ok. I have tried to have this discussion with my friend and she just doesn't seem to get that STDs are a bit of a big deal. I think it is true though that girls are starting to realize that jumping into bed with the man whore isn't the best thing.
I find it very troubling that women feel that it's not OK to say no, but I know that it happens frequently. They are with a guy who they know gets a lot of sex, and they don't want to be the one to say no to him when, in fact, that's exactly what they should do!
If they don't stay with you because you said no then they are not worth it. Guys have it way to easy some times.
Amen to that!
“The boy James I wrote about above, for example. I know him, he's a great kid. When he is ready to settle down with one woman, he could be an awesome bf. I guess time will tell. He might even be better for having sowed all those wild oats when he was young. But I do understand why younger women are reluctant or wary of becoming one of those many notches”.
Here's the thing. You can see the attraction here, and still know that this kid's a decent 'good kid' with plenty of potential. All 'Beck' knows is what some wag told her about him. Probably 2nd or 3rd hand. He may or may not have ever 'confirmed it'. But let's say it's wholly true. Unfortunate for the gals, due to the obvious risks & 'increased competition'. And yet Knowing him, you think he'd probably be a better then decent BF & possibly with the potential for being more. He's obviously still smitten with her, but she won't give him the time of day. He gets labeled, which is a prejudice, but it is what it is. He'll have no problems finding women. She'll likely never have anyone so immediately smitten with her for a very long time. It'll make life more difficult trying to find that 'special someone' for Both, due to her 'natural' prejudices.
Does this advance the cause of 'womankind'? Who knows? But it probably puts 2 people further away from a possible real connection and the love that they might share. And all she might have had to do is simply ask or explain. 'James, I'm afraid to go out with you because you've been with so many women'. And then see if he actually comes up with a decent answer. But no, we've all got to play out these silly childish games, and possibly leave love dying on the ground because of our foolish pride or some misconceptions about what love is or might be. It's much more than numbers. It cannot be contained by them, and should not be constrained by them, hopefully. And that applies equally for men & women alike. It's all just prejudice. We might 'boycott' whores, but to what end & for what reason? Whom are we protecting? It's just easier not to 'frequent them'. Once you learn of the pattern, then you can make up your mind! Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'
VJ, in the case of James and Becka, she has witnessed his “conquests” first hand many times. He has always made it clear he is attracted to her, but has never offered an exclusive relationship of any kind. Becka understands that in this “marketplace”, a guy as good-looking as James is going to get a lot of no-strings sex. That means he has had little practice at relationships. It also means he could be an STD playground. I've no doubt that James will be a good partner for someone one day. But I don't think it will be someone who has witnessed his promiscuous sexual behavior. That's a lot of baggage, both emotionally and physically.
That's fine & understandable. But let's say that she did just that and asked him 'Why should I'? If he came up with something intelligible, that may be 'worthwhile'. But at the moment, they're at an impasse that's not unfamiliar to many. Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'
What I find most interesting is that there's a shift in the historical double standard. For most of history, a woman was expected to remain “pure” until married, and to this day most guys prefer to be in a relationship with someone less sexually experienced than they are. For men, however, being a “playboy” has been a high-status role, hardly diminishing their options once they wish to settle down. Increasingly, women are wary of men with a history of promiscuity. As I stated above, I believe this is partly to do with the prevalence of STDs, and also it serves as an indicator that a man does not have experiences making real relationships work.
So basically, what you're saying, is that just because a guy is young and good looking, it's okay for him to be promiscuous? In a world with Aids and Std's, would you really be ok if it was your son sleeping around? I mean, you say that guy James is a great guy, but would you really want your daughter to be hooking up with a guy who has been with that many women? And obviously this guy, has a pretty laid back personality and has a pretty casual attitude about sex, definitely isn't shy, otherwise he would not be sleeping around, no matter how good looking he is. Every person is different, and grows up with different values about sex, and therefore I think it really has nothing to do with a person looks, but really more about personality. I mean, there are guys who are unattractive who are promiscuous, too. And I would bet that this James guy, has parents who are not uptight about sex and are probably not conservative.
Hey, heath1482, thanks for weighing in. You make a valid point. I do tend to assume that most guys can't resist the offer of no strings sex, and maybe we can't expect them to. However, the whole point of the post is, no I don't want to be involved with a guy like that, nor do I want my daughter to date a man whore. As you point out, STDs are a very real threat, and the CDC estimates that 50% of college student already have genital herpes.
I would describe myself as a liberal on most issues, yet my son knows very well how I believe he should treat women (respectfully), and that includes not using them for sex. If a woman initiates sex with a guy, or is 100% willing to engage in sex without a relationship, I don't think the guy does anything wrong per se to go for it. What I do think is reprehensible is any guy using any form of deception whatsoever to get a woman into bed.
Ever heard of the dark triad traits?
1. Self-obsession of narcissism
2. Impulsive, thrill-seeking and callous behavior of psychopaths
3. Deceitful and exploitative nature of Machiavellianism
These men have the most sex with women.
And the fewest relationships. Ultimately, they are alone in the world, unable to make real connections with other human beings. If that's your psychological profile, you probably don't have much choice, so enjoy the sex.
Actually, if you do a regression, it is just the psychopaths that have more sex….and that is because they'll sleep with anyone.
Actually, regression statistics reveal that it is just the psychopaths that have more sex….and it is probably because they have no standards, not because they are more attractive.
Hey, Dan, thanks for leaving a comment. Do you know of any analysis of this that you could link to – it would be very interesting to see the research? I do agree that having a lot of sex does not always correlate with being physically attractive. Often, the men having the most sex are ones who have perfected an attitude or way of behaving that gets them laid. But it doesn't get them anything else. As I said above, psychopaths can't relate to others, they will always be lone wolves.
Actually, regression statistics reveal that it is just the psychopaths that have more sex….and it is probably because they have no standards, not because they are more attractive.
Hey, Dan, thanks for leaving a comment. Do you know of any analysis of this that you could link to – it would be very interesting to see the research? I do agree that having a lot of sex does not always correlate with being physically attractive. Often, the men having the most sex are ones who have perfected an attitude or way of behaving that gets them laid. But it doesn't get them anything else. As I said above, psychopaths can't relate to others, they will always be lone wolves.
I heard that HPV and herpes can be spread even if there is no contact with semen or vaginal fluids.
Is genital herpes worse than oral herpes?
No question! Oral herpes is getting a cold sore or fever blister on your lip. Genital herpes is a set of painful sores on your penis, highly contagious. Which would you prefer?
Hi, I commented on another of your articles but am now back to this one. As a domestically born person I am an American but raised in a household with European native parents so I tend to be known as having European values/morals etc. I find Americans’ sexual habit very strange. Such a big fuss is made about something we all enjoy a great deal. Except in cases of rape I fail to understand how a woman can feel “used”, ummm, sorry, but weren’t you there for the hours we were talking/enjoying each-others’ company?? Girls make themselves seem available and any straight guy is going to “go for gold” per se and yeah….both parties enjoy it but one feels used b/c there was nothing afterwords. That’s just how is it sometimes, there was no talk about “later” before sex so take it as that…. “you” could have said no and it still would have been a good evening…..??? I love your blogs so far and I don’t know how to get to where I have a pic and such, any help??? Now having said that what guy actually tells his correct number to someone he recently met? To me that is none of anyone’s business and always use the response “That’s information that I don’t think is anyone’s business other than my own” and if they press further it’s generally “what happens between us is your business, former g/f business isn’t, no good comes of it”. You’re probably guessing that I’m rather promiscuous, that’s not far from true however I fail to see any problem with it if you’re being very open about your relationship status/goals. I think Americans try to “settle down” with someone way too soon. Enjoy life and the hotties around if you like or find someone liked minded to settle down with, either way we should do what makes us happy and stop judging/labeling others who are doing the same….
Hi Jay, the truth is that if a man is not promising anything, it’s the woman’s responsibility to refuse sex if she wants more than that. I agree that no one can claim to feel used if they went into it with their eyes open and hoped for the best. That’s on them, they took a risk and it didn’t pan out.
Personally, I don’t think there’s any point in discussing numbers early on. When I was growing up we didn’t even keep track! I was never asked for that information. Besides, who is to prevent either party from lying?
As I said, if you’re up front with girls and make it clear that a hookup is just for one night, I don’t have any problem with it. If you know that a girl is crushing on you, and you do anything to give her hope, that is wrong. In fact, I would go so far as to say that if a guy knows a girl likes him, and he knows she isn’t the promiscuous type, he should avoid having sex with her if he knows he doesn’t want a relationship. There are plenty of girls who will go for the hookup, leave the “good girls” alone.
You should be aware that increasingly women are rejecting men with a ton of sexual experience. This happens in communities where people get to know your reputation, like on a college campus. I’ve written a couple of other posts on this, for example:
http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2010/04/28/hookinguprealities/its-about-time-the-new-reverse-double-standard/
I liked your article, and gone trough the comments below… Interesting topic, altought I myself don’t see the trends changing – I mean ‘some’ girls really like man-whores…
One of my best friends, Steve, is around 45 and he’s been a man-whore all his life… He keeps telling me his stories about women, and I saw he has no problem with getting women to bed with him. I would say he sleeps with 3-5 women a week. And while he’s not fully honest about the subject to his partners, they all know what they get, and they still go to bed with him.
The funny situation is, that this 45 year old guy started a relationship with a 22 year old girl… A girl that I’m very fond of, I like her very much. But, my friend, altought started a relationship with her, meanwhile keeps his man-whore thing active, and lies to her all the time… Of course the girl is suspecting, she even knows one or two adventures of her boyfriend, but she’s still staying with him.
I’m kind of torn on the subject. I really like this girl, and it hurts to see how my friend cheats on her again, again and again. On the other hand with Steve we have been friends for almost 10 years now, and in the old days I really not used to judge him for anything. And of course there is some loyalty involved here, you just cannot betray your friend to his girlfriend… Funny part is, when your friend asks you to pose as an alibi for him for last night – so you get into a situation of not only participating in his lies, but participating in lying to this girl you like. Of course the girl is not a hundred percent victim: as I said, she knows about a few of my friend’s missteps, but she still stays with him.
Anyway, for my part, I think the best would be to keep myself away from both of them…
Hi frank, thanks for leaving a comment. That is some serious bad news there. Some women are drawn to manwhores like moths to a flame, and will endure heartbreak and disappointment over and over again. I think you’re wise to not participate in any deception.
Definitely Frank, check your motives…..if she were ugly or dumb or else you wouldn’t think twice about it….there are too many other women out there to pursue instead of losing your friend over one…..