“Your bones have been my bedframe and your flesh has been my pillow. And I`m waiting for sleep.”
Ani DiFranco
Em & Lo recently answered a letter from a reader where they coined the term Intimacy Lite. You know what Intimacy Lite is. It’s what you’re getting from your Pretend Boyfriend. Girls find it very confusing when guys remain technically uncommitted, but act all mushy and romantic during a hookup. Of course, they could just ask him and find out what they need to know, but girls are reluctant to initiate the Define the Relationship talk in the beginning stages of hooking up. Which is understandable. It’s awkward, and guys often roll their eyes about girls and their “need to talk.”
In the absence of a frank conversation, how do you figure out if he is getting attached emotionally? You can’t, not if he doesn’t verbalize his interest in being committed. Here are behaviors that women commonly interpret as demonstrating real feeling for them:
- Spooning
- Affectionate caressing and petting after sex
- Non-sexual kisses: eyelids, forehead, tip of nose, fingers, etc.
- Snuggling during sleep
Many guys engage in these intimate behaviors in the moment, but pull back in the light of day.
Here are some excerpts from the original article by Em & Lo: Dear Em & Lo: He Says He Just Wants to Hook Up But Doesn’t Act That Way
“If you’ve ever spooned your booty call or held hands with your one-night stand, you’re familiar with intimacy lite. If both parties are fully onboard with the lite nature of the intimacy, it’s perfectly natural – everyone needs a cuddle sometimes, and even the most ardent commitment-phobe among us misses snuggling and nuzzling.”
“Commitment-phobes (i.e. 99.9% of male college students) are especially prone to indulging in intimacy lite, and this often sends a mixed message, because if his mouth is saying one thing and his body is saying another, then you’re probably going to listen to whichever message you like best. To make a sweeping generalization (Who, us? Never!), men are most often the culprits in cases of misinterpreted intimacy lite, perhaps because they dominate the ranks of the commitment-phobic.”
Kelly, a writer at College Candy describes her experience with Intimacy Lite:
Boy explains, “I will be moving soon, and I am afraid to get serious because I could easily see myself falling for you and don’t want that to happen.” I think about it, and decide that this little obstacle isn’t worth losing him completely, so why not continue to hang out while he’s here. Over the next few months, I see boy multiple times a week, he calls me on the phone every day, and we start becoming more and more relationship-y, but all the while he is insisting he doesn’t want anything too serious. His words were saying one thing, his actions the other. Or were they?
As easy as it was for me to tell myself, “sure, he says he doesn’t want anything serious, but he acts serious, and actions speak louder than words, right?” I am starting to rethink that. It seems that what I have here is a case of Intimacy Lite. He doesn’t want anything really serious – none of the real obligations or expectations that come with actual relationships – he just wants a lighter form of intimacy, some one to commiserate with about bad days or lay in bed with and cuddle on a lazy day.
Here’s her bottom line:
Pros: I get good sex, a fun dinner companion, and someone to listen to me bitch about a bad day. I have all the perks of a relationship without the overwhelming anxiety about him being “the one.” I don’t have to stress about how good of a husband and father he’ll be when he’s hugging the toilet after a long night, because I know we’ll never make it that far.
Cons: We’re not in love and never will be. We’re not going to get married. Am I wasting my time dating someone with no future? What if I miss out on someone I truly fall in love with because I’m half-waying it with this guy? What if he meets someone he thinks he could fall in love with and drops me? Basically, what if I get hurt?
Here’s my bottom line:
1. I don’t really see the upside. Sex is easy to come by, why save yourself for a guy who’s just not that into you? Your gf’s will listen to you bitch while assuming the role of fun dinner companion every night of the week.
2. And the downside’s a killer. The way I see it, there are two major risks with Intimacy Lite:
- A broken heart
- Missing out on someone really great because you are “half-waying it” with someone.
Obviously, the worst case scenario is being hit by these outcomes simultaneously. Intimacy Lite is high risk, girls. And it’s probably low reward.
Are you experiencing Intimacy Lite with your Pretend Boyfriend? Thoughts on how to cope?
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Well, crap! Maybe I am
Oh no, I'm not trying to mess anyone up! There's a difference between intimacy in the early stages of a relationship, and intimacy lite that doesn't have anything real behind it. Does that make sense?
It does make sense – but it does make it difficult to discern the two. I mean does he (ahem, no one in particular) feel like we're in the early stages of a relationship or is he just enjoying his dose of intimacy lite? The only way to know is to ask – and oy vey!
You said it. The only way to know is to ask. Makes me wish for the days when fathers asked young men what their intentions were, shotgun at the ready. But seriously, I think a guy who is open to commitment will show signs of that from the beginning, whereas a guy who is looking for “lite” will keep it at a superficial level as time progresses, and will seem less predictable and reliable overall. I think with those guys, you feel less secure and do a lot more wondering about what they are thinking.
Why do I feel like the only BOY who is experiencing Intimacy Lite with a girl? The tables are always turned in my relationships. *sigh*
Whenever I come across a guy who is relationship material, dating a girl who is not, I want to cry for the terrible waste of it. While it's true that most commitment-phobes are men, I do hear from women who are fiercely independent and have no interest in having a relationship, at least for now. I guess I would ask you: are you drawn to feisty, assertive, independent women? Or even women who are emotionally reticent? I think you need to say what you want and see if she's down for it. If not, what's the point of halfway-ing it? I can assure you there will be a lot of women thrilled to find a guy who is interested in more than a hookup.
Hmmmm. I might be an intimacy light-er. Because I want intimacy but not a serious relationship. But I would be really honest and upfront about it. And as long as you're honest and you both want/need the same thing, I don't see a problem with sharing intimacy with a friend.
But at the same time, I know what its like to pine away for an intimacy-lite guy.
I guess there is a difference between experiencing intimacy-lite when you're clear that you're not really looking for anyone and using intimacy-lite to fill the gaps until you find the person you're looking for. One could be a really sincere friendship and the other is more like using or being used. Hmmmm.
I agree with you, Singlutionary. It's all about being on the same page. No shortcut, I'm afraid. Communication is the only way to determine this. That's the hardest part sometimes.
I guess it only goes to show that the only thing to believe is when BOTH their words, AND their actions are congruent, all the rest is just a fallacy. However,as stated, we have the tendency to listen to whichever message we like best.
Communication is the key in every relationship no matter what level, however, in order to have totally honest communication, you have to be willing to show your vulnerability, and in order to show your vulnerability , you have to have trust. Therein lies one of the biggest problems with these types of relationships, in my opinion. They are center around dis-trust, in one form or another, rather than trust. Therefore, we end up lying to both ourselves, and the other player, in the game of “fill-in”, in order to keep from being dis-qualified.
Searchingwithin, your game metaphor is perfect. Women tell me all the time they don't want to be in a “one down” position, which is understandable. I think they hate it that they must resort to jockeying for position, reclaiming the upper hand, etc. And you're right, it's pretty hard to establish trust if you have no idea whether someone likes you, who you really are, or just wants to have sex with you.
oh god, I think I'm a victim of intimacy liteHe just wanted to spoon all night on our first night together and hasn't called in 2 days…although he responded to an sms I sent the morning after. erk.
Hey confused, thanks for coming by and leaving a comment! First, take a deep breath. Sounds like this is a new guy, so don't jump to any conclusions. Here are my immediate thoughts:
1. Wanting to spoon all night could be a good thing. He may be trying to take it slow, not rushing into sex before both of you are ready.
2. Spooning is awesome, and if you've found a guy that is into it, you're fortunate!
3. Not calling for 2 days is not significant. Not calling for 2 weeks is.
I think you really need to relax, because being anxious about the relationship so early will turn him away from you. Just give it some time to see what develops. Don't expect the worst — know your own worth. He would be lucky to have you, so make sure he figures that out for himself!
I'm thinking perhaps that you don't see any upsides because you have close gf's that will fulfill the dinner date and whinge at role . What about we lonely creatures who have lots of “friends” but not any who have the time for us most weeks?
Even we who have close friends that still don't have the time because they are running businesses and relationships and social commitments for their lives as well?
Sometimes I get to the point where I think anything is better than nothing if I enjoy their company . And if I know it's not going anywhere I'll just have to deal with it when it ends because a distraction and affection is what I need to keep going .
It's funny though .
Without being conceded , I know I'm a very attractive woman because I'm reminded of it all the time . Old ladies at the grocer . Casting agents and stylists.
And I know I'm a very kind hearted person. I'm friendly and I'm intelligent .
But it seems never to be enough .
Why is that?
I don't sleep around but I'm not a prude and most people I've dated aren't even close to being in the same friendship groups or communities so it's not because I've been labeled “easy”.
The fact is , most attractive men largely ignore me .
I get a great deal of attention but rarely from anyone not trashed or sleazy or just unsanitary ….
Do you have any suggestions as to why this may be?
Hey, taylor, welcome to Hooking Up Smart. Of course I can totally relate to the idea of anything being better than nothing. Hell, even an unrequited crush is better than nothing. It gives one something to think about.
If you know that you are a very attractive woman, and you are being ignored by guys, that makes no sense. And yet, I hear this alot. Especially in the hookup era, many men will view you as a sexual conquest, nothing more. They're more interested in hooking up with you and reporting that to their buddies than in actually getting to know you. It sucks. Very attractive women are objectified more than anyone else.
Hey, taylor, welcome to Hooking Up Smart. Of course I can totally relate to the idea of anything being better than nothing. Hell, even an unrequited crush is better than nothing. It gives one something to think about.
If you know that you are a very attractive woman, and you are being ignored by guys, that makes no sense. And yet, I hear this alot. Especially in the hookup era, many men will view you as a sexual conquest, nothing more. They're more interested in hooking up with you and reporting that to their buddies than in actually getting to know you. It sucks. Very attractive women are objectified more than anyone else.
Oh wow. I think I'm experiencing this. He's always kissing my forehead, stroking my face or even holding my hand when we kiss, and he loves cuddling. But at the same time, he never says anything about a relationship, and sometimes he'll inexplicably disappear for a week or more. When we're together, we have a lot of fun and I think we get along well. We have inside jokes and really great communication, but he really keeps me guessing, despite all of that. He seems to believe that I shouldn't be doing anything with any other guys, but I once told him that if we weren't in an exclusive relationship, he should know I'm probably not being 100% exclusive. He seemed irritated by the idea, but didn't say anything about taking things to another level. I keep telling myself it's a waste of time and I need to get out of there before my heart gets broken, but I really like this guy and I can't seem to stop.
Ashley, I'm glad you said something – I hope you become a regular reader, because there are sooooo many girls in the same boat. There are also a lot of guys who come here and comment and they are always in agreement: guys will say exactly what they want when pressed, and they'll go for exclusivity if they like the girl a lot. Also, they say that to a guy, all of the cuddling, etc. is fun but means little. It's fun in the same way playing Frisbee with your dog is fun.
I do think it's awesome that you let him know you're not exclusive, but my guess is that you pretty much are, just because you like him so much. I'm assuming you're having sex, which definitely increases the risk for heartbreak. As I see it you have three choices:
1. Start making a point of seeing other guys in a way that he will observe. In other words, make a point of not being exclusive. This shows him that he doesn't own you, but it also helps you maintain some distance to avoid heartbreak. This is not to say you should be having sex with multiple guys at once – never a good idea, in my opinion.
2. Initiate THE TALK. Ask him exactly what he wants, and decide if it's enough for you. If it's not, you have to be willing to walk.
3. End it. It sounds like this is what you think you should do. If you have a clear sense that he is not going to commit, you can move on without stating that you wish it could be more.
It sounds like he is getting everything he wants, and you're not. I really don't like the disappearing act, either. Don't halfway it with this guy. You deserve better. Either he's all in or you should get out.
Thanks for your response! I think you pretty much reaffirmed everything I was thinking. I definitely know what I should do; it's just hard for me.
I basically have tried option #1 already. He's the only guy I've had sex with for the past six months, but I've gone on a couple of dates and kissed a few other guys. The problem with this is that I'm so into this guy (FAR more into him than I ever intended to be) that hooking up with other guys just feels completely empty by comparison. One of the guys I went on a few dates with is someone that I've basically wanted since my freshman year in high school, and I couldn't even get into it.
It really sucks, but you're right; I deserve better. I would try having the talk with him, but I'm probably 90% sure he wouldn't go for a relationship, so it'd probably be better for me to just walk, with my pride intact. I hate giving up, but lately he's definitely been causing me more stress and sadness than joy, and that's never a good thing.
You're clearly ready to make the break, but you know it will be really hard, and I'm sure you're right. I'm sorry this guy isn't giving you what you want – I think you're right, though -walking away, going cold turkey, will be the least painful exit, and exit you must! Good luck, xoxo
Hey! Found your blog a few months ago and I really enjoy it. I’ve been reading older posts, which is why I’m here at this one, which is over a year old!
” * Spooning
* Affectionate caressing and petting after sex
* Non-sexual kisses: eyelids, forehead, tip of nose, fingers, etc.
* Snuggling during sleep
Many guys engage in these intimate behaviors in the moment, but pull back in the light of day.”
So, is it safe to assume he’s getting emotionally attached if he continues to do these types of things in the light of day? More specifically, while we sleep in in the morning or while hanging out with other people the morning after we hook up? When other people are around it’s mostly just snuggling and affectionate caressing/petting (I’m taking this to be non-sexual action, like caressing an arm)?
Or is he just prolonging intimacy light until I go home?
He’s very affectionate, which is why
Whoops! Sorry about that, it got cut off.
He is very affectionate, which is why I am confused, because his behavior is not the norm from what I’ve experienced with hookups and even an ex-boyfriend.
We do go out on dates, and I’m not sure if that does or should matter since we’re hooking up with no commitment and haven’t exactly talked about it. He does, however, know I’m commitment-phobic (however much I think I want a committed relationship, I get scared once I have that and start to push away.. I know, this is no good) and the dates we go on are spaced few and far between. I can’t convince myself one way or the other: is he trying to go slow so as to not scare me away since he likes me (all the affection??)? Or is he just giving me the intimacy lite experience and stringing me along until he finds what/who it is he wants for real?
And I know. I should be asking some of these questions to him… cue butterflies in the stomach….
@lemonlime
Welcome, and I think you know you’ve already answered your own question. I couldn’t possibly know what he is thinking, and would be doing you a great disservice to take a guess. You must ask him. It doesn’t have to be any big heavy conversation. You could just ask him how he sees you. Right now you are confused, and that’s torture. Asking him would clear it up, and you can take it from there.
Hi Susan, I know this post is very old but I recently found your blog and have been looking through old posts. This entry really struck a chord with me, especially Ashley’s comment above, because I am currently in an itimacy light situation and its killing me. I got involved with this guy 8 months ago and he was way more into it than I. He made a huge effort, was constantly in touch, etc so I really started to fall for him and then of course the tables turned. After the first three months of hooking up I tried to have the DTR and he basically said “i really have strong feelings for you but I always mess these things up and I don’t want to lose you and blah blah lets take things slow.” I should have walked away then because I did want a relationship and he did not. We stayed “together” (i.e acted like we were dating with no label). It got so confusing because he would introduce me as his girlfriend, tell me he loved me (drunk), introduce me to his family, etc. but was never really committed. He kept me separate from his friends, constantly used the gym and work as excuses for his life being too busy to sustain a relationship and he treated me pretty poorly over the summer. As a result of not knowing where we stood and his mixed messages I wasn’t my best self. I acted crazy and desperate and made things super difficult for him. When things started falling apart and my actions derailed he obviously pulled away more. I know actions speak louder than words and I know that when you read this you will probably think I’m being stupid and should walk away and look for someone who will actually make me a priority in his life but my question is this, is there a chance I just made things so difficult by being dramatic (which is something I’m really working on) that he stopped investing in me but still has feelings for me? He tells me we aren’t done and that he wants us to “take our time.” Is this a situation where I need to be patient with him as a result of how I messed things up or am I just being lead on? I feel like he’s so sick of talking about feelings that I can’t ask him, do I just give him space? I want to show him that I can change but that’s hard if I’m not seeing or communicating with him. Sorry for all the questions–I just can’t tell if this is a lost cause or not and if its not I don’t know how to get things back on track in terms of demanding respect from him without scaring him off and having another DTR. Its very hard for me to let go and consider it his loss if he’s just too immature and we are in different places. If he really had feelings for me wouldn’t he make it work? But he has also put up with a lot of my BS. I can’t figure it out. This happens to me a lot and its getting scary because I’m a little bit older than your target audience, I’m 27. Any insight you have would be much appreciated. Thank you.
@JN
If you told me that the relationship was once everything you wanted, and that you had really messed things up recently, that would be one thing. I’d say, yes, prove yourself to him – that you can return to a place of not indulging in any drama. However, based on what you’ve told me, you’re longing to get back to a place where you didn’t even have what you wanted. If you’re 27, I’m assuming he’s around the same age, which is seriously way too old to be saying he’s too busy for a relationship if that’s what he would like. That’s an age where a lot of men become open to meeting a life partner, and if he’s still trying to keep it “unofficial” I don’t see any good future prospects there.
There’s something else – a relationship is not really much of commitment. It’s just a way of saying, “I like you, I like spending time with you and having sex with you. I’m not doing this with anyone else and right now I don’t want to do this with anyone else. If something changes, I’ll let you know.” In other words, a relationship commitment before engagement isn’t really pledging very much. People can and do break up all the time, and often they don’t even honor the last part of that pledge. If he isn’t even willing to say those things to you, then I think you’ve got nothing. Under his “terms” he could never call you again without any of the hassle of breaking up, because you’re not official. Or he could hook up with someone else and it wouldn’t be cheating, because you’re not official.
You deserve better than that. If you want a life partner then you should not waste any more time with this guy. My advice is stop initiating and when you hear from him state clearly and without any drama that you want to stop seeing him for a while. Tell him that what the two of you have is not making you happy. Cut off all contact for a period of time, long enough to really sort things out, like a month. At the end of that time you will know one way or another whether he wants you in his life, and you can dictate the terms you are willing to return to.
At this point, that’s really the only power and control you have – the decision to remove yourself from an unhappy situation and see whether he cares for you or not.
Thank you so much for getting back to me. I’ve never commented on a blog before and I really respect the advice you give out here so I really appreciate the response. I know you are right, I have tried to excise him from my life before but never stick to my word so it doesn’t mean anything to him anymore and just comes off as more histrionics . I think one reason I’m so scared to actually walk away is because I know he won’t come after me and that in and of itself answers most of my questions. I just hate that he is not on the same page as I am and its hard not to see that as I wasn’t good enough to make him want something more. And then of course I regret my behavior because I was definitely not honoring myself. There is just a lot of regret and no closure so its hard for me to quit, especially when I know I contributed to things falling apart and every time I try to “fix” it I just create more drama. I know what I need to do but its hard to ignore the voice in my head that says he’s just immature and does like me and would come around if I acted “cool.” We are both 27 and living in NYC. I just didn’t want to have to walk away from another one, you know? Thank you again.