Say What You Need to Say
Love Actually
“Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say”
John Mayer, Say
Yesterday I began a new series with I Married a One-Night Stand. It’s an unusual story. Not surprisingly, some people feel that it’s a freak occurrence, meaning that there’s nothing to learn from it, I suppose. It can’t be duplicated. One reader insightfully pointed out I was the “exception” rather than the “rule” for my husband (see He’s Just Not That Into You). That is true. But when we fall in love, doesn’t that automatically mean we are the exception? Isn’t love always the exception? My husband was an exception for me. And it took awhile, but ultimately I was the exception for him too. I don’t think it is a question of luck. I didn’t get lucky or win the lottery. It wasn’t a Cinderella story.
I participated. He and I related to one another, awkwardly and inexpertly, but we were two individuals who communicated. We both said and did things that influenced the outcome. We were not passive bystanders.
The Moral of the Story:
Say what you need to say.
In my relationship with my husband that was the game changer, the defining moment. Right at the point where I had no power, no control, no hand, I said what I felt without regard for the consequences. I laid it on the line, even though it was pretty clear to me that he wasn’t interested.
Why did I do that? Why did I tell him I wanted to spend more time with him when he had locked me back in the friend zone? I didn’t say, “Let’s hook up again.” I didn’t get drunk and make a move. I just laid my heart bare on a Wednesday afternoon, after a week of getting ignored by him. And I got rejected by him.
Here are the reasons I spoke from the heart that day:
- It was the truth. I felt something special for him and I couldn’t bear the thought of artifice. I wanted him to know, even if he didn’t reciprocate my feelings.
- I didn’t care about being humiliated or embarrassed. I knew somehow that what I felt for him was good and right, and that it didn’t make me pathetic.
- I needed to say that the sex had meant something to me. He was more than a one-night stand, and I wanted him to know that I had treasured the pillow talk time, laughing and getting to know him.
- I sensed that we had no future. I spoke up so that I could have closure, and move on from the ridiculous crush I had on him.
He looked sad when he said no. I could tell he felt sorry for disappointing me. I did go have a good cry after that, and had my sad and lonely weekend at the B&B. Afterwards, I returned to school ready to live my life and leave all hopes and expectations behind. And that’s what I did.
It was months before he expressed any real interest in me. Why do I say that particular moment was a game changer?
Here are the reasons that awkward moment in front of the library changed everything:
- He was very surprised by what I said. He would not have been surprised if I had said I wanted to hook up again. He was taken aback that I expressed a desire to connect emotionally.
- He respected the fact that I had the balls to put it out there.
- After I told him, I felt cleansed in some way. I was relieved. I let go of all the feelings of attraction and sexual tension. After that, I didn’t feel awkward with him, even though we both knew it wasn’t going to happen. He sensed that, and after a few weeks, we were fine as friends. We were more than fine, because we knew each other better than we had before we hooked up.
- Once I had spoken my mind, it was easy to be myself without regard to whether he noticed me or what he thought of me. He did notice me, and what he saw was a strong and independent person. He saw that I was confident, smart and funny. I wasn’t slim, dark or exotic. I wasn’t his type. But I was something. I was interesting.
Would I choose this experience for any of you? No. It was painful and difficult. I felt heartbroken inside for months. And when we did come together, it was hard for me to live with the fact that he had known me for a long time without being attracted to me. But that’s the way it was, and in time I appreciated that he was here now. He loved me now. We all want a great falling in love story, complete with fireworks. Romeo and Juliet without the tragedy. I didn’t have that. But I think it’s a great love story, just the same.
Is speaking your mind a guarantee that you will get what you want? Of course not. I did not share my story to give you hope that the man of your dreams will ask you to take off your glasses and let your hair down so than he can exclaim, “Why, Miss Prescott! I had no idea you were so beautiful!”
Speaking your mind is not about realizing any one goal. It is about being authentic. It’s letting go of ego and embracing naked honesty. It’s about loving yourself, and loving another person enough to give them the gift of your unadulterated emotion. Straight from the heart. Consequences be damned.
Say what you need to say. Open it up. Look it squarely in the eye. Take the risk. Yes, my story is unusual, but not because I got the guy and we lived happily ever after. It’s unusual because I laid it on the line when I knew I didn’t really have a shot. It made me feel brave and strong. It was empowering. It was a gift I gave to myself, even though I didn’t get what I wanted then.
If I had made a different choice that day, and done a superficial stop-and-chat, I know that we would never have had a real relationship. That brief and painful exchange turned everything upside down. To this day, I don’t know what changed him. I only know that telling him how I was feeling changed me. By expressing my feelings for him, and letting go of all expectations at the same time, I opened up a place where he and I could eventually meet.
Do you understand? Does this make some sort of sense?
Tomorrow I’ll write about another lesson I learned during this time, about my own behavior.
Note: I want to just give a little shout out to my lovely daughter. She has been such a source of encouragement and support for Hooking Up Smart. As you can imagine, she sometimes cringes with TOO MUCH INFORMATION overload, and as she reads this series she is undoubtedly squeezing her eyes shut and yelling “EW!” Sorry about that, sweetie. Love you.
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You were very brave, Susan. I am not sure I have it in me to be that honest, to lay it all out there. I definitely admire you for it.
i too would love to let it all out…
but courage left me nowadays.
but i will definitely find it, and when i do. maybe then i too will have a story to tell.
whatever the outcome may be. ;D
Decoybetty, oh yeah, you have it in you. It's not something to do all the time, obvs. If you are ever in the position where it matters enough, you'll know. Your fears (ego) will lift and you will go for it. And it will feel good!
Marvinia, thank you for sharing a comment! There is such a lovely group of readers here, and they are supportive, so if you need encouragement you can always find it. And you can always email me directly, too.
You do have a story to tell, and the best part is that you are writing it as you live it.
I agree, facing fear head on is a great feeling. For me, it's very energizing, then cathartic. I understand why it rarely happens, though. Laying your soul bare knowing that it may get stepped on feels like jumping off a cliff.
Excellent article.
A whole lot of heartache and wasted time could be avoided, if people would just learn to speak their truth.
I once thought that vulnerability made you weak, but I have since learned that the opposite it true. It takes great strength to reveal vulnerability. Once I learned that, there was a powerful transformation in my life, and relationships. It's scary still, and sometimes I still struggle with it, but I am learning to stop running from that fear, and turn around to face it…head on.
I agree with everyone. I wish I had done this with the last guy I dated. I think the point you make about how you needed to do it to have closure is so key. I feel like I have no closure and it is making it harder for me to get over this guy. I have let it go to long, but I wish that when I had the chance I said what I needed to say. I find it so easy to talk and share, but I rarely open up to people and truly tell them how I feel. This goes for both romantic and non romantic relationships. I'm just so fearful of rejection for so many reasons that I rarely say what I really need to say.
Megan, I think we're all in the same boat with regard to protecting ourselves. Yeah, I did it that one time, but there have been countless times since that I've failed to say what I needed to say. I spent about 10 years in a friendship with a woman who made me feel diminished every time I was in her presence. I finally escaped, but to this day I have never told her why. We all do that. It's just so hard to marshall the determination to lay it all on the line.
I do think it's worthy aiming for when what you are feeling is very positive, though. If you really like someone I think it's always worth taking the risk. And I agree that there is a lot to be said for closure. It's easier to let go when all hope is gone.
I was searching for the lyrics to the song and found this post. I am glad I did. You expressed so eloquently the pain we all fear and the power of our vulnerability to create the possibility for connection. You are correct. Love *is* the exception. Thank you.
Thanks, Kayar, for stopping by and commenting! I'm really glad you related to this post, it was a hard one for me to write. Laying my soul bare, and all that. Please come visit again!
So very true. And I say that as someone who's still slogging through a shitload of negative consequences, 3 years after finally starting to say what needed to be said. Being true to myself couldn't wait any longer…
Hey, Rox1SMF, nice to meet you, thanks so much for leaving a comment! It's very sobering to think that we can fight these struggles for years. By saying what we need to say, we change everything. And if we are true to ourselves, and remain committed to a course of action that we know is right for us, we may get pushback and ugliness for a very long time. I'm glad you took that step. It sounds like despite it all, you know with certainty that what you said what absolutely necessary for your own happiness.
Thanks Susan for being such an inspiration. I chanced upon your blog and have been enjoying your posts!! I've often thought how simple things would be if we all said our minds (in this aspect at least!). I'm kinda 'weaning' myself off this guy at work that I have an unexplainable attraction to. It's crazy but sometimes I feel like he feels the same way about me. My ever rational mind told me not to kid myself…he was in this long distance relationship with his girlfriend but she's now back. We didn't hook up but emailed a lot, make fun of each other, laughed a lot and basically pushed each other's buttons. He can almost always say what's on my mind…I feel so lame talking about it now. He's made his choice and I just have to get on with it. I'm literally lying low…until my feelings for him go away. I think I had a chance to say how I really felt about him but I didn't. I guess my pride stopped me. Who knows, things might have been different then?
Brionycc, I am really happy to meet you, thank you so much for leaving a comment. Getting to know readers is my favorite thing about blogging, so I appreciate your making a connection! First off, I would just like to say that all attractions are unexplainable! Or maybe just the special ones. It sounds like you and he have GREAT chemistry, a great vibe. He's with someone, the timing is way off, and you work together. The best thing you can do is be an awesome friend. You can't control his choice, but if you like him and you think you have a special connection, he would probably make a good friend. Who knows what will happen with them? You say he made his choice, but if you never spoke your mind, it wasn't like he was choosing between the two of you. I do think that speaking your mind when someone is in a relationship can be very tricky. It could seem like you don't respect his relationship. If you can tolerate intimacy without romance, hang in there. Be fabulous. At least, that's what I would do!
P.S. I hate his girlfriend.
Hi Susan, thanks so much for your reply! Wow you know what – I was half thinking all my silly ranting might not make any sense to you but what you've said shows that you totally get the whole situation. Yes we do have enormous chemistry – so much so that I think we both kinda try to curb it, there's an invisible line that both of us won't cross, for obvious reasons. We indulge in those intimate conversations and then we retract. We do this less and less, not because we don't want to but there seems to be un-spoken agreement that we should just try not to do that. We don't talk about his girlfriend but I know he wants to be committed. Strangely, I respect him for that and I'm doing my part to keep a distance. Thanks for your advice, it affirms my thoughts exactly….I will endeavour to be his friend. I like him too much not to be one.
P.S. I will be FABULOUS
Yay! That sounds perfect! And you really, really never know. Let him just stew on this awhile, and see what happens. A;alkdjf;alkdfj;asdkfj;ald, Keep me posted!
Today he waved and I gave him a big smile
. Thanks Susan, definitely will keep you posted! cheers
Awesome!
Today he waved and I gave him a big smile
. Thanks Susan, definitely will keep you posted! cheers
Awesome!