You Are Who You Sleep With
I have one final thought I want to share with you from the story of how I got together with my husband all those years ago. It’s tricky, but I think it’s important, so here goes.
You say a lot about who you are and what you want when you decide to have sex with someone.
I was promiscuous in grad school. You already know that because I told you how I binged on foreign students for the first six months of my MBA studies. I have no regrets, and I learned some interesting things, like:
- It is virtually impossible to have good sex with a stranger, (at least for me).
- An uncircumcised penis looks like a pig ‘n blanket.
- Hearing another language during sex is hot.
- I don’t find tighty whities attractive on boys over the age of 10. (By the way, allow me an ADD moment here. I’ll be taking down the Boxers vs. Briefs poll soon, but I’ve been leaving it up because people keep voting. Have you noticed that Boxers have been catching up lately?)
Throughout that year, I had sex when I felt like it, with whomever I chose, and I never felt the need to answer to anyone for it. I still don’t. I had no concerns whatsoever about tarnishing my reputation. I couldn’t have cared less what anyone else thought of my personal choices.
Here’s the rub:
The choices I made were observed by others, including the guy I had a huge crush on. Once we finally got together, I had to live with the fact that he had not wanted me initially, and had sort of broken my heart. I wanted to understand it so that I could let go of the feelings of rejection I still harbored. We only talked about it once. I asked him to explain what was going through his mind at that time.
Here is what he said:
“Well, to be honest, I hadn’t ever thought of you that way before that night we first hooked up. I was attracted to you that night, but it was more of an impulse than anything. I figured I’d give it a shot, I was pretty sure you’d go for it. I really viewed it as a one-time thing. Then when you told me you wanted to hang out again, I felt really weird about it. I mean, you were having sex with a lot of different guys. It was obvious you were playing the field, and that you weren’t looking for any kind of relationship. So I really wasn’t sure what that would look like if we got involved. I didn’t want to get mixed up in it.”
I was stunned. He wasn’t judging my morals, he was making an informed judgment about my intentions. He was wrong, of course–I was totally prepared to be exclusive with the right guy, i.e. him. But my behavior was sending clear signals that I felt differently.
Naturally, I was aware that some guys would not want to be with someone who was sexually experienced. That old double standard was alive and well fifteen years after the Sexual Revolution. I figured I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would judge me in that way, so it didn’t matter. What I failed to realize was that I was broadcasting information far and wide about my sexual availability and preferences. My behavior precluded being approached by someone who was interested in a relationship, because I was making it clear that was a non-starter.
Virtually all of the choices we make in life teach others who we are, and what we want. Our political affiliations, our careers, our friends, our relationships with family. And yes, whom we choose to have sex with.
Have sex with whomever you want, by all means. Just remember that the choices you make tell the world who you are, and become part of your identity.
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that's only if people KNOW whom you're having sex with – or that you're playing the field like that.
same thing goes with political affiliations, friends, etc.: people can only judge a person based on what they know about that person or what that person chooses to let them know..
in your case it didn't/doesn't matter since you admit you weren't trying to be discreet
V, that is a very good point. I was in a school setting, so word got around
It wouldn't necessarily work that way in another setting. I guess I've always been the type to live my life in a very open way. Being discreet is one thing, living with secrets is another. In either case, it seems unlikely that one would fall in love with someone who kept themselves mostly hidden…
First time blog comment ever. I have been following this one for a while because lots of it rings true for me. Today, I am not so sure. Maybe I'm just angry that your now-husband said, “It was obvious you were playing the field, and that you weren’t looking for any kind of relationship.” I'm sure he's a wonderful fellow and I mean nothing against him. But – Obvious?? Isn't this kind of the core of the problem? i.e. That men can “play the field” and still stumble upon a relationship they decide to stick with, but women who “play the field” get marked/branded/labeled as, well, whatever. Not someone you'd bring home to Mom. “Obviously.” Wasn't he “playing the field” too? Does that mean he wasn't looking for any kind of relationship, but if it happened he wouldn't necessarily walk away from it? For me it seems that sexual equality, if there will ever be such a thing, would require that members of both sexes were free to engage in whatever sort of encounter seemed right at the time without being judged/labeled/pigeonholed/written off. I do get your point about still needing to consider the social ramifications of one's actions in the current (not ideal) climate, but I would object to the surface labeling in this realm as much as in any other realm. Just because I vote blue doesn't mean I think the Dems got it right about everything, you know? And if I had decided to take that cute fella home from the bar with me last night, which I seriously considered for a while, just because he was hot and it seemed like it would be fun, why must that automatically align me in all ways with the “not serious about relationships” camp? It seems to me what's missing is the part where we take people – and relationships – as they come, and we make decisions about how to react and treat people one at a time- whether it be a casual friendship, a brief/medium/extended sexual encounter, or an exclusive dating-in-anticipation-of-marriage sort of thing. AND WE TALK ABOUT IT! And we don't assume anything about other people's intentions or beliefs or desires, because who can know those things without actually asking? Down with stereotypes and judging, I say! Boo hiss. All right, time to climb down off my soapbox. Thanks for listening and writing.
C, I'm honored that you left your first comment on this blog! Seriously, only about 8% of blog readers comment, so you are now part of an elite group!
Yeah, I hear what you are saying. But I can honestly say that he wasn't applying a double standard. He was trying to figure out what I wanted. I hear girls say all the time, “He's a player.” They might find a guy attractive, but they consider him high risk, because his behavior indicates that he values a variety of sexual partners, none for very long. Is it possible that you will be the woman to make him think about settling into a relationship? Of course. But I it's not very likely. If he wants you to know he wants something more with you, he has to tell you outright. And that's what I did. That's why I said it was the game changer.
Yes, he was playing the field. I don't know why I thought he MIGHT be open to a relationship. I think telling him was more about me and what I felt for him than any real hope that he would be enthusiastic.
When I went to b-school I was 25, considered marriage a dim and distant possibility, and figured I would probably not have children. I was very focused on my career. My behavior reflected that. What changed was that I fell for him while we were friends. I thought he was just great. But I could see he wasn't interested in me, so I figured I would continue to do my own thing. I still say that was a smart choice. It would have been weird and pathetic had I become celibate in hopes that he would notice I existed, no?
I'm just saying that we create an identity with the choices we make. That's not to say there can't be exceptions, that one becomes predictable based on one's membership in a certain group, etc. But hey, I think it's totally fair that people form an impression of me based on my behavior. And at that point in my life, my behavior reflected a very casual attitude toward sex. My husband didn't judge me for that (if he had we would never have gotten together), but he did read it as a high-risk situation for himself. He didn't want to get entangled sexually with someone who had nothing else to give. I don't think that's stereotyping, I think it's just reading cues.
After we were together a second time, he felt more of a connection, but I was away for the summer. He took a chance at that point, coming up for a weekend. And you know what's interesting? We never did have a talk to Define the Relationship. At that point, it was understood that we were together and exclusive.
Today, though there are so many more levels in relationships. Hooking up, being exclusive, being together, dating. There is more negotiation required today, so that both parties can ensure that they are on the same page. And it usually falls to women to initiate those conversations.
Hell, I am a very flawed woman, with a very flawed past. And my husband is a pain in the ass sometimes. Really flawed! But he is not a misogynist. Although I will say this: as a father, he feels very protective of our daughter (19), and is quick to judge the motives of guys. He knows first-hand that guys in college are completely controlled by their penises!
Susan I have enjoyed the unfolding of this story so much as well as the comments and reactions from readers. When Mr. Peach Tart and I met, I was the more promiscuous one, going through my second wild childhood. My daughter had just gone away to college and I felt a sudden freedom and exercised it sexually like making up for lost time. He knew I was sleeping with other people, would tell me he loved me without me responding back, and then one day he gave me the ultimatum…him or everybody else. When I accessed the situation, I realized that he was a wonderful man and so worth giving up the one night stands that really in retrospect were about me trying to feel better about myself. Years of low self esteem were masked by feeling desirable by lots of men. Five years later, I won't say it's all been roses but so worth it and so much richer.
What a great story, thanks for sharing that, Peach Tart! What strikes me most is Mr. Peach Tart's self-knowledge and self-confidence. How generous of him to wait for you, and then how smart of him to give you that ultimatum. Sounds like he knew you better than you knew yourself at that point.
Sadly, I don't believe the double standard is going to end any time soon. I also believe it is very hard to be discreet, no matter how hard you may try. There are other people involved that may not have the same idea in mind. Also, one or more of your dear friends more than likely know about you 'discreet' behavior, and rumors do have a way of slipping out, one way or the other.
However, that aside, you are very on target Susan with the message that you are portraying to others through your choices and those that you choose to associate with, whether or not that is the message you intend portray or not, and none of us are fully aware of what that message is.
Excellent article, as always.
Thanks, searchingwithin, I appreciate the feedback, and the wisdom~
Susan I have enjoyed the unfolding of this story so much as well as the comments and reactions from readers. When Mr. Peach Tart and I met, I was the more promiscuous one, going through my second wild childhood. My daughter had just gone away to college and I felt a sudden freedom and exercised it sexually like making up for lost time. He knew I was sleeping with other people, would tell me he loved me without me responding back, and then one day he gave me the ultimatum…him or everybody else. When I accessed the situation, I realized that he was a wonderful man and so worth giving up the one night stands that really in retrospect were about me trying to feel better about myself. Years of low self esteem were masked by feeling desirable by lots of men. Five years later, I won't say it's all been roses but so worth it and so much richer.
What a great story, thanks for sharing that, Peach Tart! What strikes me most is Mr. Peach Tart's self-knowledge and self-confidence. How generous of him to wait for you, and then how smart of him to give you that ultimatum. Sounds like he knew you better than you knew yourself at that point.
Sadly, I don't believe the double standard is going to end any time soon. I also believe it is very hard to be discreet, no matter how hard you may try. There are other people involved that may not have the same idea in mind. Also, one or more of your dear friends more than likely know about you 'discreet' behavior, and rumors do have a way of slipping out, one way or the other.
However, that aside, you are very on target Susan with the message that you are portraying to others through your choices and those that you choose to associate with, whether or not that is the message you intend portray or not, and none of us are fully aware of what that message is.
Excellent article, as always.
Thanks, searchingwithin, I appreciate the feedback, and the wisdom~