Brilliant Dating Advice From a Dead Virgin

Jane Austen understood everything about the human heart. That’s an astonishing accomplishment for a woman who died a virgin at 41. Lauren Henderson, a novelist who attended Cambridge University in England and wrote her dissertation on the courtship rituals in Jane Austen, has gathered JA’s wisdom, and added some of her own, into Jane Austen’s Guide to Dating. 

She felt compelled to write it after she moved to the States and fell victim to The Rules and other bad dating advice. After nearly driving away the love of her life with her crazy manipulations, she decided that a dose of JA’s common sense was in order. Isn’t that always the case? It hasn’t lost its validity in nearly 200 years! Jane Austen’s Guide to Dating is a great read, with lots of practical and sensible advice, and some pretty interesting case studies too, from both the novels and from modern day America. I encourage you to pick it up.

In the meantime, here are my Cliff Notes:

If you like someone, make it clear that you do.

It’s smart to show a man that you are interested in him, provided that your enthusiasm is in equal proportion to his.

• Be open and easygoing.

If you like a man, show him. Accept his invitations with pleasure.

• Enjoy the moment.

Let the attraction grow naturally. Don’t lose yourself in someone new. Maintain your own interests and friendships. Delay sex until you feel sure that he is interested in all aspects of your personality.

• Don’t chase a man.

He wants to come after you. Don’t make excuses if he lacks enthusiasm. If he seemed very interested but then pulled back, let him go.

    

Marianne and Willoughby

 

Don’t put your feelings on public display, unless they’re fully reciprocated.

Showing someone you like him is a good thing, as long as you’re getting from him at least as much as you’re giving.

 

 

• Keep your self-control.

Don’t throw yourself into a relationship until you’ve had time to discover who he really is, and whether he can be trusted with your love. You don’t want to let someone take you for a ride.

• Be discriminating.

An attractive flirt is not necessarily the best relationship material. Take the time to see how compatible you are.

• If a guy makes you feel that you need to compete with other girls for his attention, it’s a red flag. 

He should make you feel that you are the only woman he is interested in. If he doesn’t, move on or he will always make you feel insecure.

• Refrain from overindulging your feelings.

If your love is hopeless, don’t allow yourself to dwell on it day and night. Distract yourself and try to put it from your mind. It will make it much easier to get over him.

Don’t play games or lead people on.

If you play with men’s feelings, you will sabotage the possibility of forming a good relationship.

• Meet new people and flirt like crazy, but do so with tact and discretion. 

Flirt as a way of getting to know people, not with the sole purpose of making them want you.

• Be wary of people who are trying to play you.

Don’t give away too much of yourself too soon.

• Don’t play games to win a man’s heart.

Don’t try to keep him insecure, off balance or interested by being mean or indifferent to him. 

Have faith in your own instincts.

You can analyze everything a guy does and says for hours on end, but it really boils down to this:

Is he making you feel secure and cared for, or is he keeping you off balance?

Is he really worthy of you? Is he meeting your needs and making you feel that you are meeting his?

• Listen to your inner voice. 

If there’s something about him that doesn’t seem right, he is not right for you.

• Learn to trust yourself. 

Don’t blind yourself to his faults because you are caught up in the attention he is showing you. Don’t be so desperate for a relationship that you will stop protecting yourself.

• Don’t be taken in by a player. 

He’ll be good at flattery because he’s had a lot of practice. You don’t want to be someone’s latest conquest.

Don’t fall for superficial qualities.

Fall for someone who has the same values and goals as you do.

• Watch how he treats other people. 

Is he kind and generous with someone he is not trying to flatter?

• Is he interested in you as a person, or is he treating you like arm candy?

• Falling for a guy who appears to have qualities you lack will only make you feel more insecure over time.

When we fall for a guy who is gorgeous, athletic or wanted by lots of other girls, we are often expressing our own lack of self-esteem. 

Look for someone who can bring out your best qualities.

• Hold onto your own values. Don’t compromise who you are or what you believe.
• Choose someone who brings out the best in you.
• If you’re always criticizing, the relationship isn’t working.

Don’t try to change him. It never works, and just turns you into a nag. 

 

Don’t settle.

 

• Don’t enter into a relationship out of convenience or loneliness.

You’ll need to have feelings strong enough to carry you through the inevitable hard times.

• Have faith that you will meet the right person. 

Don’t compromise for less than love.

• Be positive about being single. 

Sure you want a relationship, but you want the right one, and it’s only sensible to be choosy. You’re far better off single than in an unhappy relationship.

Be witty if you can, but not cynical or cruel.

Don’t use humor to hide from your true feelings.

• Be spontaneous; that’s where the best humor comes from.
• Choose someone who can make you laugh, and laugh at yourself often.
• Don’t be cynical. 

Don’t use humor as a defense, which places boundaries between you and another person. You have to open up and be loving to be loved.

Emma and Mr. Knightley

 

Be prepared to wait for the right person to come along.

Don’t give in to desperation. Be brave enough to hold out for someone you can really love.

• Learn to discriminate between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now. 

If you throw yourself at someone, and he steps aside, you’ll crash into the wall instead.

• Pace yourself and earn his respect by letting him know that you can’t be rushed.
• Don’t waste time with someone who isn’t right for you. 

It’s unfair to him, and prevents you from meeting someone who is a better match.

If your lover needs a reprimand, let him have it.

Deal with problems openly, and work together to find a solution.

• Stand up for yourself. 

If someone is doing something you don’t like, tell him, and be prepared to end the relationship if it doesn’t change.

• Be fair. 

Don’t store up grudges. Speak carefully and stay focused on the problem at hand. Think through your criticisms to be sure they are reasonable.

• Be honest. 

Guys are not so great at interpreting our subtle hints, and they’re terrible at reading our minds. Whatever you do, don’t claim that nothing is wrong when you are upset.

Are you a Jane Austen fan? Do you think she had it right?

Related posts:

1. Are You Dating a Narcissist?
2. The Girls’ Kickass Guide to Getting Over a Breakup
3. A Man’s Take on Advice in Women’s Magazines
4. Why Doesn’t He Call?
5. 5 Ways to Get More Control of Your Relationships

Tags: advice, attraction, chase, dating, desperation, Elizabeth Bennett, Emma, flirt, friendship, guy, guys, heart, honest, humor, Jane Austen, love, Mr. Darcy, Mr. Right, open, Persuasion, player, Pride and Prejudice, relationship material, respect, self-esteem, Sense and Sensibility, sex, spontaneous, trust, virgin, wit