Why Nice Guys Ignore the Girls They Like
I found this bit of humor at Buzzfeed, but I suspect know that many guys would call it 100% accurate. We call them jerks and douchebags, but we go for them anyway, don’t we? If we didn’t they’d be forced to stop acting so nasty to get laid. Do we force nice guys into last place?
I hear from a fair number of young men who are just as frustrated as many of you are in the search to find meaningful relationships. One reader here commented that when he got to college and acted like the nice guy he really is, he got nowhere. Not until he assumed the identity of Selfish Prick did he start scoring with the ladies. So this post is dedicated to Douche Baguettes everywhere. You’re guilty because you keep sending the message to men that they need to be cruel and uncaring in order to get anywhere with you. You know who you are, and I want you to tell me why you do it. Let me say up front that many lovely women get blindsided by a bad boy once. Maybe twice. After that, you have a lot to answer for.
The British have a saying: ”Be mean, keep ‘em keen.” Why are we shooting ourselves in the foot time and again?
Here are the most common explanations for why women fall for guys who treat them poorly:
Jerks have many qualities that are attractive to women.
- There’s the mystery surrounding a troubled soul or an enigmatic rebel.
- They exude confidence, though upon closer inspection it is really arrogance.
- They are extraverts.
- They have a lot of charm, i.e. player skills.
- They appear passionate. Usually, they are most passionate about fulfilling their own needs.
- Their intense pursuit is flattering and makes women feel special and desirable.
It’s a challenge.
- Women feel that any love worth having should be earned first.
- They enjoy outplaying a guy (or trying to) at his own game.
- Jerks keep us guessing; we can’t decipher them.
- On the flip side, nice guys are boring and predictable.
Women have a “fixer-upper” complex.
- They look into a guy’s soul and see more than he is showing of himself, and they become hooked on the idea of getting him to open up.
- A flawed man gives this type of woman someone to work on and mold. They wind up viewing the jerk as someone who is misunderstood and unloved, a lurking lonely soul.
It’s emotional.
- Women feel excited, disappointed, and confused. The rush of emotions is exciting and addictive.
- The process inevitably follows this pattern:
1. Jerk shows interest.
2. When woman returns interest, jerk draws back and appears nonchalant.
3. Jerk waits until woman is confused, then provides attention.
4. Repeat.
Weak women attract jerks.
- A jerk will not waste his time on a woman he knows respects herself. He preys on the vulnerable.
- It requires two parties with low self-esteem. The jerk uses a bad boy demeanor as his cover. His snide remarks and sarcasm are defense mechanisms.
Selfish women choose jerks.
- They are just as shallow, prioritizing pursuit and excitement over a real connection.
Women subconsciously replicate their childhoods.
- If a key male figure in your life was a jerk, you’ll seek out jerks for relationships as an adult.
Dating a jerk is the best way to avoid getting into a long-term relationship.
- Until you are ready to settle down with a sweet guy to have babies with, why not have fun with a jerk? Maybe even be a jerk?
It’s a vicious cycle.
- Women are attracted to jerks, form relationships with them, and then try to justify their choice by seeing things in them that no one else can.
Do these reasons ring true, or is there something else going on? Carole Lieberman, MD, coauthor of Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How to Live with Them, and When to Leave Them says:
“They can be unpredictable, dishonest, or downright mean, but scoundrels have always had an undeniable appeal to us–an erotic edge of danger that’s hard to resist.”
As long as women choose jerks, there will be nice guys converting to jerkdom, especially if they’ve been dumped for a jerk. Nice guys who admit to employing this strategy don’t like it much; they say it’s exhausting to act like a jerk all the time. Let’s give the nice guys a break. Look deeper. Don’t settle. Respect yourself. All of womankind will thank you for it.
Have you ever dated a jerk? How’d that go? Are you cured?
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Amen to that. You are 100% right. The thing is, women may be attracted to players, but we are not ruled by our libidos. We can also be disgusted by the behavior of a player once we see through it. Women need to make decisions with experience and reason rather than just sexual attraction. It helps a lot if the nice guys are developing themselves so that they can behave with confidence. It doesn't really take much more than that.
I really agree with this entire post!
# They exude confidence, though upon closer inspection it is really arrogance.
Yeah…confidence is a good thing. Tons of guys think they are “hot shit” though, which is arrogance. They think they are better than you.
# They appear passionate. Usually, they are most passionate about fulfilling their own needs.
Yes! Their own need is sex. Bad boys will do anything for sex.
# Their intense pursuit is flattering and makes women feel special and desirable.
Yes, I love when I'm getting attention from a cute guy. I feel special, especially when I'm bored going homework and I get a nice/funny/cute/witty text from a cute guy.
* They enjoy outplaying a guy (or trying to) at his own game.
Ugh I try to do this so often. I once called a guy out and told him he was a player and I could play better. We proceeded to ask everyone who had more “game” and it came 50/50. ugh I was drunk at the time, but honestly, I want to feel like I can outplay them, and “win” their dumb game.
* Jerks keep us guessing; we can’t decipher them.
Yes, we never know if they're gonna text us today, or later in the week. I like trying to “figure them out”…a statement I realized I use a lot.
* On the flip side, nice guys are boring and predictable.
Yes, nice guys sometimes don't know how to carry on a conversation with a girl. Sometime they'll ask too many questions about ourselves and not flirt well, or tease us. It's just a straightforward conversation you can have with like, a teacher, and that can be boring.
1. Jerk shows interest.
2. When woman returns interest, jerk draws back and appears nonchalant.
3. Jerk waits until woman is confused, then provides attention.
4. Repeat.
OMG this is amazingly true to me and my friends. Yes, they want your number and show interest. But then when they text you and they realize you like them back, they draw back and you don't hear from them for a little. Then they'll come back, show attention again, and then ultimately drop you if they believe you want a relationship and want things to get more serious.
Yes, and guys probably can see I'm insecure and if I do believe the things they say that are lies, they get away with it, and try to see how far they can get with me. But that was the old me…I've learned so much from my experiences this year and next time a bad boy shows interest, he'll have to PROVE himself. I am attracted to looks first, so if a good looking guy shows interest, and I believe he's nice, I'll want to talk to him and get to know him. I just have to keep meeting new people…eventually one will be normal and will want to get to know me for me…I hope
Just a quick update from me. I've been busy dating and found a girlfriend – an intelligent and funloving 33-year old (I'm 32). We were together for two months before she broke up with me. The reason: I was “too nice” and she “needed someone who could put her in her place”.
I'm so tired of that line and have decided that I never want to hear it again, so I'm changing my approach to dating. I've got a date later today and I'll start by not calling her for 3 or 4 days if I want to see her again. This time I'm going to be a challenge and employ a lot of push/pull.
Well AFC, I can't argue with your reasoning. I suspect that you will find more success if you become more of a hardass. Push/pull sounds like a good idea. You know, I've been learning a lot about Game, and I don't object to it in theory. It's based on some pretty sound trial and error analysis of female psychology. I strongly object to Asshole Game, as it's known, which emphasizes the put down as a way to erode a woman's self-esteem. But not showing your hand? Making a woman earn your affection? Maybe that would constitute putting a woman in her place. Don't give yourself away for free. Best of luck, check in again when you have time…
Thanks – as for purposefully putting women down, that's just not in my nature and would feel wrong, so I'm not going that route. I'm thinking more in line of shifting between displaying interest and not, not letting her take me for granted, willingness to walk away at any time etc. etc.
There's a danish online community of gamers. Now that I'm single again, I think I might hook up with members from my town and learn the skills “in the field” in clubs and bars. If nothing else, it will be an interesting trip out of my comfort zone
I'm glad to hear you haven't learned to hate women after some of the experiences you've had. I wholeheartedly agree that no one should be permitted to take you for granted, and that you should have a walk away point in any relationship. This is good advice for both men and women – every one values that which must be earned, including the good opinion and affection of a member of the opposite sex.
Good luck with the sargeing
Hey intresting topic ill add some fresh views on the nice guy persona
what ive come to notice from people who are being nice is that they want something from you look at friends, family or even children by being nice you are trying to manipulate the person into giving you something in a nice guys or anyother group of guys case it all comes down to sex. Im sure women can see through this, woman dont like bad boys cause there assholes and tend to mistreat them its because they are confident and for the most part showing there true nature. You can be a gentleman and swoon the ladies by showing attractive traits like confidence, humour (especially humour) and being independent and not such a boring nice guy that agrees with everything im sure there are exceptions to this nice guy rule but i highly doubt that nice guys are trully nice, remember humans are naturally selfish by nature. Nice guy is just another tactic to bed someone and a pretty bad one at that oh and i recommend reading David DeAngelos book attraction isint a choice really delves into the nice guy being manipulative stuff wow i said nice a lot of times
Hi daftguy, thanks for commenting. I believe what you say about women being drawn to confidence, independence and humor is very true. I think there are lots of guys out there who have selfish desires, of course, but who are also willing to be generous in a relationship if they're getting what they want. All relationships are a two-way street. The problem is, those guys make the mistake of being too nice when trying to get the girl, and it comes across as needy or desperate. Before they know it, they're getting told Let's Just Be Friends. Guys who want to get with girls for real need to figure out this question of balance and timing. Not too much interest up front, and not too soon.
Yes very true i guess what im trying to get at is that woman dont just go for jerks a confident easy going person will actually be seen as a better mate because he wont come with abusive qualities.