10 Signs That Your Hookup is Falling For You
In a culture that prioritizes sexual intimacy before emotional intimacy, forming real romantic attachments is a challenge for both men and women. And yet, many relationships begin with casual sex.
I’ve created a flowchart describing the anatomy of relationships today:
As you can see, there are lots of hurdles one needs to jump before landing in a loving romantic relationship, known as dating. And there are many perils and risks along the journey. So before you reach DATE, how can you tell whether the other person is getting invested? You can ask, of course, and I always encourage you to do that. It can be awkward, though, and it’s better if you are not left wondering every step of the way, in need of verbal clarification to understand what is going on.
Here are some signs that indicate a guy is falling for you:
1. He seeks information about your life.
He is curious about your schedule, your friendships, your favorite things, what you find funny, etc. He wants to acquaint himself with your background and your routines.
2. He seeks your approval.
Whether it’s about his new haircut, an interest of his, or his friendships, he seeks reassurance that you find him appealing.
3. He jokes about his potential competition in a way that is clearly designed to elicit information.
He may be curious about who is calling or texting. Or he may ask you how you know a certain guy that you seem friendly with. Again, he is seeking reassurance. He hopes that you will tell him indirectly that there is no one else you are interested in besides him.
4. He does not keep you guessing.
Of course you’ll wonder just what he is feeling for you. But once he decides he likes you, he’ll want you to know it, so that you’ll stick around and like him back. He will show interest clearly by keeping in touch so that you don’t hook up with someone else. You should never feel that he is secretive, especially about what he’s doing when he’s not with you. If his friends don’t seem to know much about you or your role in his life, that is never a good sign.
5. He cares how you feel.
If he’s into it, he will not roll his eyes when you need to talk. If anything, he will act more communicative than he normally is, in an effort to show you he is capable of talking about emotions (even though he hates it).
6. He shows you off.
He wants his friends to see you with him, and to introduce you to them. He acts pleased to know you in a group setting with other girls around. He is staking a claim to signal to other guys that you are otherwise occupied. He is happy to admit that he is attracted to you.
7. He wants to have a lot of affectionate contact that is not sexual.
He will enjoy holding hands, giving hugs, and touching you during conversation. He wants to be close to you in a way that includes friendship and affection other than sex.
8. You’ve developed your own private “language.”
He’ll create private jokes, nicknames, and other endearments that create intimacy between the two of you. He’ll tease you. This is especially telling, because guys feel more comfortable being affectionate early in a relationship when it is cloaked in humor. If he teases with an edge, though, in a way that embarrasses or humiliates you, you need to bounce.
9. He does not demonstrate interest in anyone else.
If he’s doing a lot of flirting, or worse, hooking up with someone else, give it up.
10. During sex, he focuses on you.
He tries hard to please you by paying attention to your signals, or asking point blank. Lots of eye contact, using your name, and letting you know how turned on he is are all very good signs that you are not just a warm and soft receptacle for his orgasm. You should feel that the sex is definitely about the two of you together, rather than individuals each getting off.
Not all of these signs need to occur early or simultaneously for a guy to be developing real feelings for you. But they serve as an indication of his level of investment. The bottom line is that if you have to wonder whether or not he likes you, then you should assume that he doesn’t. If he is not reliably and consistently attentive, remember that you are a free agent, and keep your options open. If he doesn’t want to risk losing you to someone else, he’ll make his interest clear.
What have I left out? Is there something else a guy does that lets you know he is really interested?
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Way too complicated. I have had guys do all the the above but they were total crazy muffin cheaters. Or they lived in another city or weren't really interested in commitment, etc.
If a guy really wants to be IN A RELATIONSHIP with you, he'll do these things, yes. But a guy who just enjoys being intimate with you will do them too. He might secretly be longing to be intimate with everyone else.
The ONLY way to know is to ask directly and pointedly. As your flow chart points out, this will most likely end in a “date” or “dumped” conclusion. But isn't it best to know sooner and not waste any more of your precious youth on false intimacy lovers.
You know that I agree with you, because I've written about Intimacy Lite and Say What You Need to Say. However, I'm aware that it's not realistic to expect women to have “the talk” in the first few weeks. Also, there's a period early on where both parties are getting to know each other, and shouldn't necessarily be held accountable for their intentions regarding a relationship. These signs refer to that early period, where you don't want to be calling him out, but you want a sense of how it's going. Do some guys do all of the above simultaneously with several women? Yes, and they are cheating liars. But I don't think that is the norm. I think that if you are experiencing all of the above with a guy early on, that's an excellent prospect.
My “boyfriend” would like to know what you mean by “Fake BF”…BTW he loved the chart!
I think the best one is;
“if you have to wonder whether or not he likes you, then you should assume that he doesn’t.” I think you pretty much know where you stand, whether or not you want to. You can attempt to dream up how you want it to be, but in reality, you know. At least I do.
Gigi, thanks for your comment! Fake BF is when you are hooking up regularly with a guy, you think it is going great, it feels just like dating except that you have never actually had the Define the Relationship talk. You find out it wasn't dating when he hooks up with someone else, which is his right if there was no official commitment. Girls need to make their wishes and expectations clear if they don't want to fall into the Fake BF trap. By the way, what does your boyfriend think of the 10 signs? Are they legit?
Searchingwithin, I agree. I think that is the key point. If you're wondering, either he's not into it, or he's playing mind games. Both of those scenarios are unacceptable. I urge women to wait for someone who will make his interest and intent clear. If you don't wait, then by definition you settle.
So I've been “hooking” up with this guy for a month and it's weird cause he shows those signs, I told him I wanted to end things last night and he seemed disappointed almost like he didn't want to stop, when I got off the phone with him I just hung up in his face, and he txt me about 2hrs later asking me if i were awake. I'm forgetting to mention that I'm married. I know horrible, but that's a total different story. To me he seems like the type of guy I wouldn't typically like or date more of a man whore, but he shows a lot of interest in me. I need some advice please!!
Listen, I'm not judging you but I think I have to draw the line at giving adultery advice. I just can't do it. I don't know your story, but I do know one thing. What's needed here is a lot more open communication among all three members of this triangle.
Also, just wondering: why would you need advice on how to deal with a man whore? Dump!
Listen, I'm not judging you but I think I have to draw the line at giving adultery advice. I just can't do it. I don't know your story, but I do know one thing. What's needed here is a lot more open communication among all three members of this triangle.
Also, just wondering: why would you need advice on how to deal with a man whore? Dump!
I have an important serious question. I recently ended my almost 3 year relationship being a college student in my senior year. I have known two really great gorgeous girls and was starting to get to know one to which i started to focus some of my “attention” towards. I had an event to which I bring a date coming up so I asked the one to the weekend event and right before I left, the other girl came onto me and we “hooked up” – made out and such. Then the weekend happened and I had sexual relations with the one girl because it clicked. Then we get back and they kinda found out about each other. The one from the weekend I continued to hook up with twice and we watched a few movies and such. The only problem is I have fallen for the other girl after being with the other one a few times. She found out I had stayed over and such and she was mad and blah but she still shows interest. Bad News: they live across the hall from each other on the same floor of an apartment structure. Look i'm not some player and i'm completely new to this being single thing as its only been less than 2 months since my breakup, I have no idea what to do. I like both … only legitimately hooked up with one…please give some advice thanks so much!
Hi Stromscr3, thanks for your question. Before I answer it, I just want to make sure I've got the details straight.
1. You asked Girl A to a weekend away.
2. You made out with Girl B just before the weekend.
3. You and Girl A have now had sex three times, and are hanging out.
4. Girl B is pissed that you have hooking up with Girl A, but she's still acting interested in you.
5. You say you like both, but you have really fallen for Girl B. You are losing interest in Girl A.
For what it's worth, based on what you've said, I don't think you've done anything wrong, but it is really important that you are honest with these girls. Let me know if I understand correctly, and we'll take it from there.
I'm glad you found HUS!
Yeah i'm really glad I found this website too and yes you have everything correct. I really like both girls for different things they offer and being newly single I dunno how to handle this attention. I don't want to play the girls but I also want to be single. I feel like I am gonna get myself caught up in a relationship I don't want to be in right away. Thanks again for your response!
Storm, I've decided to write a post about this. I'll put it up tomorrow morning! Let me know what you think in the Comments of that one.
Thank you so much Susan -
It's up!
Hi,
I have known this guy for a little more than 2 months now. There was a good chemistry from the beginning, and we became very good friends, like we would spend hours till early morning talking about each other. He wanted to know everything about me. I eventually fell for him, and we ended up having sex. After that night, though, he called me saying that he felt a bit 'weird' because he still felt guilty for his ex girlfriend (they broke a year and a half ago, but they were together for 10 years) even though he agreed that was rather absurd. I told him I liked him, but he said he didn't want to have romantic relationships for the moment, and that we could keep 'doing stuff' and be friends. After that, though, he showed more affection than a normal friend would do. He would tell me that he missed me, and he showed photos of me to his family. Now things haven't changed much, we still see each other everyday and spend time together, except we haven't had sex since after Xmas holidays. He's a very complex guy, he tends to be depressed often and is very insecure.I am very much in love with him, but I feel like he's giving me very mixed signs and can't figure out what he feel for me.
Thanks!
Hi italiangirl, thanks for leaving a comment! Wow, that sounds like a very complicated situation. I can understand why you can't figure it out! My thoughts:
1. For whatever reason, he hasn't moved on emotionally from his ex-gf. It does seem odd if it's been a year and a half. But he is clearly telling you that he is not looking for a relationship, and I always say when a guy tells you that, believe him.
2. “Doing stuff and being friends” is all well and good for him, but it kind of sucks for you. You're in love with him, so that is going to make you feel terrible pretty quickly. Again, this is a man telling you he is not available. It's a bad deal for you.
3. You mention that you've known him a bit more than 2 months, but you haven't had sex for a few weeks. That strikes me as odd – since those weeks make up about half the time you've known him.
4. If he is depressed and insecure on top of everything else, he is not good relationship material.
I know you've fallen for this guy, but if I were you I would stop having sex altogether. Perhaps you can go back to being platonic friends, but if you are really in love with him, it would probably be useful for you to take a break. As things stand, I don't see anything ahead for you but heartbreak. If that has to happen, better now than in a few months or more.
The bottom line is not what he feels for you. This is where girls often make their biggest mistake. The real question is what he is willing to OWN. If he's fighting his feelings and pushing you away you have nothing. He has to deliver on his feelings, or it does you no good at all.
I'm sorry to be harsh here – but I don't have a good feeling about where this guy's head is at.
This post is great! My situation is thus; I met a guy almost a year ago, and he was more attracted to me than I was to him. I was also with someone else at that time so I completely stopped talking to the man I'd met. He left a few “why aren't you talking to me?” voicemails and texts before giving up and going his own way. We go to the same university, and this year we live in the same apartment building. It was awkward seeing him at first, but we went along not really talking up until about three weeks ago I saw him at a bar and he asked if we could “be friends”. Since that night, I've talked to him mostly every day. We had sex a few nights after, but he frequently comes over to my apartment to watch movies and talk. We kiss and cuddle and lot, and he is displaying all of the signs you have listed here as being interested in more than a sex-based relationship. He is very curious about my life, definitely tries to see if I'm interested in anyone else and is generally a very sweet guy.
Now, that is all well and great, but the first night we had sex he asked what I was looking for, and I said I wasn't looking for anything in particular, just going with the flow. He said he wasn't looking for anything too serious, which makes me think it's just a friends with benefits deal we've started. The other thing that sort of worries me is that before he and I started, for the last few months he had been hooking up with a different girl. To my knowledge they haven't hooked up since he and I started talking again, but it still seems like they are friendly.
I don't know whether he just likes being intimate without a relationship, or he actually likes me as more than a hookup and this could grow into something more. I know the probable best thing to do is just give it a little time and see what happens, but if you have any input that would be wonderful!
Thanks so much Susan, your articles are great!
Hey, Stargirl, thanks for stopping by and commenting!
It's pretty obvious to me that both of you are caught up in pretending to be the least interested party. You're both playing it so cool, it's freezing!
What you should do next depends on how you feel about him. If you are down for FWB, no-strings, you don't have to do anything, it sounds like that's pretty much what you've got now, even if you both feel more.
If you are cool keeping it casual, but want to be exclusive sexually, you've got to raise that issue. How would you feel if you found out he was having sex with you AND the other girl? If you are not willing to double dip, you're going to have to say so. From an STD standpoint, this is important, and I recommend that you at least know whether the guy you are having sex with is with anyone else too.
However, I do get the impression you like this guy, and would welcome the chance to see if this could develop into something more serious. You could just give it more time, but as I said above, I think you at least need to know whether he is having sex with anyone else, and if you're going to have that convo, you might as well go all out and ask him where he sees this going.
I know it's awkward to ask, but I'd hate to see you waste time, like weeks or even months, only to find out you two aren't on the same page. On the other hand, he might say right now that he wants to make it work, and you'll feel great about it. Either way, in this situation more info is better than less info.
Hey! I love your advice column and that you actually check it and give great, attentive advice! I'm having a little confusion in my love life and was wondering if you can help me see the light.
Here it goes:
I was introduced to a great guy, few years older, out of college (I'm about to grad college) through a mutual friend. Weve been seeing each other for a few mos now. We went out on a few dates and really hit it off. We've become very close. Met his family, went away together for a weekend, hang out with him very regularly, and have met all his friends! His job requires him to travel about 20 hours away from time to time but he also has time periods when he is home. About a month ago, we had the “where is this going talk” (that i initiated). He seemed uncomfortable during the talk and said he didn't think it was fair to put a title on this right now, when his work is so unpredictable at the moment. That i understood. but he then proceeded to explain that he doesn't want us to see anyone else, which really confuses me. I'm not sure if he really does have intentions to commit to a serious relationship in the future, or if this is just a casual relationship thing or as you call it “the fake b/f”. I can tell he really cares about me. Hes very affectionate, sweet, caring and is genuinely a nice guy. He loves introducing me to all his friends, isn't secretive at all we never fight. What do you think is going on here? Should i initiate the talk again?
Thanks for your advice, i look forward to it!
Hi prettyconfused, thanks for leaving a question. I'll do my best to answer it. My sense is that this relationship is going extremely well, and I wouldn't worry too much about making it official right now. He expressed that he doesn't feel ready. His work plays a role, but also, it might just be too soon for him to want to be serious.
On the other hand, he has requested that the two of you be exclusive, so he's not just playing you or keeping his options open (fake BF). It sounds to me from your description of his behavior that his feelings are genuine and he doesn't really want to keep himself on the market.
I would chill for a bit. Enjoy each other's company. He now knows that you would like to at least consider a commitment, and believe me, he won't forget. Don't mention it again, as long as you continue to feel that he is attentive and interested. If you ever start getting mixed signals, that's a different story, but for now I would just let things take their natural course. He sounds like a great guy.
Thank you, it's good to hear from an outsiders POV.
Keep me posted!
So, I had two birthday parties this year and this guy Sean went to both of them.. one was in the town he lives in and the other one was in Orlando where I live currently its about a 45 minute drive.. Sean and I are friends with other mutual friends.. we have known each other for about 5 months.. I never had interest in him.. I just thought he was a really nice guy and a good friend.. when I saw him on Tuesday at the bar he was looking soo good and I was defenitly flirting with him and giving him compliments… we didn't hook up that night but we did hook up thursday after we got back from the club..before the club he complimented me on my dress.. we also danced all night at the club and I have never seen him dance before at the bar or anywhere.. it was shocking. Sean and I did hook up once in December but I wasn't interested in him so I never called him or anything. I don't know what has changed but I'm so into him now so I'm wondering.. do you think that he could potential like him as something more then a hookup or do you think I blew it and he just wants to get to the business. We were texting back and forth and I asked him if he likes me or just likes to hookup and he didn't even write back I really think that's a bad sign.. his homeboys always said he is really shy.. but I'm a straight forward person if I want to know something I ask and if someone asks me something I tell them the truth. I really don't want him to not tell me just to protect my feelings.. its not like I'm going to die.. what shuld I do next aabout this situation!Any and all advice would be great. Thank You!
Welcome, shellz0508, thanks for your question. I think it's great that you came right out and asked him what's up. It would have been better for you if that had been in person, so that you could have gotten a straight answer. His not answering that question was rude, and that does tell you something.
I have no idea what's going on in his head. As a rule, I don't listen to what anyone's friends say about them – his say he is shy, but that really doesn't explain his not answering you. I'm not buying it.
I know it's hard to wait and be patient, but you're going to have to see how this plays out. When you see him next, his attitude towards you should give you a strong sense of how he feels. If he's all about the hook up, then ask him again what he's thinking. You have a right to know what he feels before hooking up with him.
If he is into it just for the sex, my advice is to steer clear of him. You've already caught feelings, and more hooking up is not going to help.
If he likes you, he should be eager to let you know that, because he will care about your feelings and will not want you to feel insecure.
hiiii, i'm only fourteen & i think this guy likes me but idk. we hooked up today, (not sex) just making out and a HJ. i know i seem young but it just kida happened. after, we went back to his house and we just kinda cuddled & hung out. i met his parents and they LOVE me, but idk if he likes me as much as they do. he isn't all nice and stuff. i mean, he's a young kid, he kinda makes fun of me just to have fun & i go along with it. we've known each other for awhile but idk if he thinks i'm just a friend or what. i don't wanna tell him i like him, cause i'm scared he won't like me back or that it'll be awkward. how do i let him know i wanna keep seeing him & stuff without seeming clingy ?
Kaybaby1, my advice to you is not to be hooking up with someone who doesn't like you. You like him, and you have now hooked up with him, including getting into his pants. That is a very bad place for you to be if he is just going for sex. Indeed, at 14, that's not a good idea in any case. Of COURSE he wants to hang out again! For another HJ! He figures if he's lucky he'll get a BJ soon!
If you want to know if he likes you, it's easy to find out. Hang out with zero sex. If he sticks around and enjoys your company without getting physical, he likes you. If he disappears, you have your answer.
If you keep hooking up without knowing what he thinks, you are bound to get your feelings hurt.
thank you so much for that adivice. after i already posted that, we texted on the phone more. i asked him whether we're just hook ups or what. he told me “well, you're fun to hang out with, but whatever happens happens.” i don't know what he means by that. & i asked who he likes later on. he told me he kind of likes someone. he hasn't told me who yet, but i'm hoping it's me. how do i get him to like me ?
You can't get someone to like you, you can only be yourself. If he doesn't like you, it's best for you to just move on, because there will be another boy and you deserve someone who truly cares for you.
“Whatever happens, happens” is what a boy says when he does not want to take responsibility. I would be careful here. Whatever you do, don't chase him. That NEVER works.
thank you for that. i have found out that he kinda still likes his ex. a few minutes ago he asked to hang out on saturday or friday. i told him i wouldn't do anything with him because he likes that girl. he hasn't replied yet, but are there any tips i can take as to how to make him chase me? also, what do you mean by he doesn't want to take responsibility ?
Well I happened to stumble across this site and noticed it's relativelly recent so I guess there's no harm in owning up to my walk of shame.
This guy in my English class has been friendly with me since the beginning of the semester about 2 months ago. I friended him on Facebook when we had mutual friends and he IMs me whenever I'm online. A few days ago I asked him if he was going to a speaker in our lecture hall because I thought it was something he'd be into, and he said he hadn't planned on it, but offered to go with me. We had a great time, ended up talking in my room until like 5 am and he was really reluctant to leave, but nothing happened. Midnight the next night I came back from a night out with the girls and we were chatting online and he asked to borrow a movie I didn't have. I suggested he go rent one, he said he'd drank, I offered to drive…etc we spend the night driving, cuddling in his room, and eventually making out.
Nothing too serious; no sex, and no clothes came off, but we both…enjoyed…ourselves?
I woke up early because he was snoring and walked back to my room. He IMed me that night asking when I left, and I told him and asked if I should have woken him. He said “guess not” and we chatted like we used to.
I'm so unsure what to do next. I'm new to this whole college thing; hook-ups are really common, right? Except he didn't try to have sex with me, even though he had been drinking (not much).
I just got out of a year and a half relationship and am so out of my forte. It's been long enough though, that even if he never calls, I can confidently say I'm over my ex, which is good news. But, Susan, what do I do?
In our awesome conversations, I've discovered he's been with more girls than I have guys, but never been serious with any, and has in his words never started things and let the girls do the work, but I'm not too keen on chasing boys. Are we in a stand-off of who asks first?
(Great advice, btw, as a psych major and loving friend, I would have said many of the same things. I just gets complicated when you can't be objective, you know?)
kaybaby1, you don't want a boy to chase you unless he really likes you. And this guy has already said that he still likes his ex. It really doesn't sound like he's ready for anything real with a new girl.
When I say he doesn't want to take responsibility, I'm referring to his saying, “whatever happens, happens.” Instead of saying, “This is what I want, so I will make it happen.” He wants to go with the flow, which is fine if you want the same thing. But you obviously like him, so that really is not such a sweet deal for you.
Hi Alyson, thanks for your question, I'll try to answer it as best I can.
First of all, I love how slowly you guys have taken things. Obviously, this guy likes you and is willing to stick around and get to know you, he isn't all about sex. That's a great start, and it's much better than the opposite!
It sounds like he was a little confused or hurt when he woke up and you had gone. He probably needed to know that you didn't just suddenly wake up and say EW! and run off. So chatting in your usual way was a good thing.
I would say just let this happen organically. Just b/c he likes for girls to do the work (less risk, obvs) it doesn't mean you have to. Meeting him halfway should be fine — you asked about the lecture, he initiated the movie. I wouldn't do anything differently – just be sure and give him friendly attention to signal your continued interest and he will most likely do the same. He's bound to make another move soon.
If he flakes for whatever reason, try not to take it personally. College guys are just as confused as girls are, and no one really knows exactly how to behave around hooking up or relationships.
Keep me posted, but I would say just keep being your friendly and charming self!
Thanks for the kind words, but I got the most ironic speech. While I valued him for the joyous feeling of being over my ex, apparently he's not over his. I got the “I don't want to use you” spiel tonight. After the “Oh man, that night was so great” conversation.
Kind of expected it was too good to be true. My ex has had 3 girlfriends since we broke up and I haven't even had a real date.
Regardless, thank you very much for taking time to respond. It's greatly appreciated.
UGH THAT SUCKS! I'm sorry you had that experience, and I'm glad he was at least honest before sex. So often guys (including your ex, sounds like) head into as many hookups as possible after a breakup, and don't worry too much about how the women are feeling. I've actually heard guys refer to that as “collateral damage.” So FIDO (f**k it drive on). As for waiting for a real date – those are about as frequently cited as the wooly mastodon these days. Still, hang in there, you've got a lot of company, and I'm always here!
Only because I already started this thread, I have an update:
So we talked Friday as he wanted to give me some stuff I loaned him, and it was awkward and got more comfortable as he told me about his ex (briefly) and we joked like we used to. We decided to watch a cheesy scary TV show together and began to wrestle and goof around and eventually he kissed me. Again. And I stop things and ask,
“I thought you didn't like me…”
“You don't like me, you were so angry…”
“Well you blew me off! So what are we doing?”
“I'm attracted to you…”
“What about me?”
“I'm still hung up on her.”
“Me?”
“You're alright; I don't really know you.”
Ouch.
So on the bright side, at least it wasn't a drunken haze. He was actually serious when he said it was about the ex-gf. I never would have guessed since that seems like such a cliche break-up line.
I tried being friend outside his room a few days later so we could “get to know each other.” Didn't talk the whole drive, he texted the whole show but at least he laughed, and had about 30 seconds of normal conversation before he dropped me off outside our dorm without so much as a hug.
So my series of silly hookups continues. Just thought maybe you'd laugh with me. And congratulate the fact I haven't lost my cuteness. I was concerned I was pretty sober.
=]
Alyson, thanks for the update! Gaaaahhhh, boys are dumb. But yes, he was honest, and that is worth a lot. I always respect the guys who will pull the plug b/c they know they're not emotionally ready. Many guys would go for sex in order to get over the ex, and you'd just be collateral damage.
So just take it as it comes. Be his friend, he sounds like he could be an OK friend. Draw boundaries where you think it's appropriate, and give him a little time. He's attracted to you, but still getting over a breakup, and that's fair.
I agree with the ten list of things. But I'm reli confused and need advice… I met this guy and the following night we got drunk and had sex. then the following he came to my apartment just to hangout and we hooked up but sober. Now we hang out almost every day and he makes corny reasons to kiss me. He says he doesnt want a relationship. But he'll take me out to dinner and pay. And he talks to me all the time. I dont know whats going on.
Hi Kathryn, thanks for your question! It's hard to know exactly what this guy is thinking but here are the two possibilities as I see them:
1. He's really just in it for the sex, but is willing to spend time together, hang out, etc. instead of straight FWB. In other words, he wants something casual and friendly, but is giving you notice up front that he will not become your bf.
2. He doesn't like the idea of a relationship, but finds himself extremely attracted to you and enjoys your company. He likes you, so he keeps seeking you out, waiting to see how things will play out.
The problem is that in both scenarios he doesn't want a relationship, and he doesn't want to want a relationship. I know girls hate to initiate the talk, but you have got to ask him straight out what the deal is. If you're falling for him, you need to know now if this has potential or is a dead end. Women can never really understand how a guy could do all of these things and feel NO emotional investment, but it happens all the time. You deserve to know this from a guy you're having sex with, but he'll never bring it up. At least, guys rarely do.
Im hooking up with this guy( kissing only), I knew he liked me but i never gave him a chance because i tried to keep the friend boundaries. He has always been so sweet to me, and one time it just happened we hooked up. I find myself wanting to spend time with him, and i guess I would call him a ” fake bf” since we always spend time together and recently always hook up. I know he wants to be with me as he has told me before, he wants a real relationship. I do enjoy spending time with him, I am not using him or anything and I am not hooking up with anyone else either. Its just I am still in High school and i have other priorities right now. He is a sweet guy, and I have told him before that I do not want to be his girl becz i am still in h.s and have other responsibilities. I feel horrible because I know he really likes me, I think I cant see us taking it to another level because he is a different nationality/religion than i am. I know that shouldnt matter, but I am very into my culture and religious so i feel there is a gap between us. We will never connect on that level because we have different interests and values. I want to be with someone who is the same nationality as me. But i dont think I could ever tell him that to his face because I know it would hurt him.
I dont know if i should end it? Afterall I have told him since the begining that I do not want a relationship, and I dont want him to get hurt. I dont see this ending on good terms, that may be whats holding me back from ending this.. knowing we wont be the same.
advice? And I just want to say This site is so great, I want to be a psych major so I can help and get inside other peoples heads, its just impossible to get inside my own! hehe, but I am usually great at making the right decisions, its the first time i just dont know what to do!
Thanks
Kiki
My question is under the same vein as Alyson's.
I recently hooked with an old friend of mine; we met 5 years ago and have never lived in the same city, but hang out whenever opportunity arose (eg, once a year). Emailed in spurts, occasionally, and at Christmas '09 went to a movie and drove around for a few hours, he later subtly implied he regretted not trying something. We've never been romantic up until this point.
We're now going to the same college a few years apart and have texted a few times; he came when I asked him last minute to a concert of mine, and we were going to watch movies at his place when I got an emergency. Then two days ago I Facebooked him about hanging out during spring break, and he told me to text him. We made plans, stuck to them; hung out with his roommates and played video games but when we watched a movie he pet my hair and held my had, etc, the cuteness. And we ended upstairs in his room and yes, alcohol was involved, although he assured it wasn't relevant. And I told him I couldn't be a one night stand, and he was fine with it and we fell asleep after fooling around, and he set an alarm for us so I could get to my class the next day.
Well I woke up early and bolted.
I guess I was just unsure how to behave in the morning, so I called and left a voicemail two days later saying thanks for having me and sorry for leaving without waking him, but didn't want to bother him.
Maybe it's just that I've crushed on this boy since I was thirteen, but is there a chance something is finally coming together for us or was I just opportune? I realized I invited him to all three of the most recent get togethers, but he was more than enthusiastic to comply and extend, and was the one who cuddled and kissed me. And I want to assume he's not into me because he's not calling but he's just not a techie guy. He takes hours to respond to text messages because he never checks his phone, he updates Facebook like twice a month, and I have never actually caught him on the phone, though he's been good about calling back. Just never calling first.
So should I be expecting his behavior to change now that our dynamic has or am I just getting my hopes up?
Thanks! hopefully you have some insightful advice for me as you do all these other lucky/unlucky ladies in love.
~~Mel
Of course there's a chance that something is finally happening for you two! Having said that, his behavior could reflect that he is really into you, or it could reflect that he's just having a little fun.
I don't accept the idea that he's not calling b/c he's not techie. If he wants to reach you, he will find a way, it really isn't that difficult. All you can do for now is stop being the one to initiate contact. It's confusing you, because you don't know if he's into it. The only way to learn that is let him do the pursuing. If he flakes, you will have at least gotten the message early and will not waste any more time.
I know your hopes are up, but you can't control this. Take a deep breath and be patient. I think you'll have a clearer idea soon.
Kiki, sorry! I'm so glad you reminded me! I do try and answer every single comment, and this one slipped through the cracks, I'm not sure how. It happens sometimes, and it's not personal! So let me get to your question.
It sounds like you like this guy and are attracted to him, but you're not ready for a serious relationship. In addition, his being from a totally different background has you concerned. I would say listen to your gut instinct here. Both girls and guys are often hesitant to date outside their religion, and it's not surprising. They prefer to share their culture with their partner, and there's also the worry of parents disapproving.
You don't sound confused about your feelings for him, only about the best way to handle it. You know that you don't want things to go further, so I think it is only fair that you tell him, even though you know it will hurt him. It is much kinder to tell him now and let him move on. I would definitely stop hooking up with him – that can only increase his emotional attachment and make it harder for him later. Don't even flirt!
If you handle this honestly and with compassion, there's a good chance the two of you can be friends in time. Although he may initially be hurt when you tell him that it's important for you to date within your own religion, he will come to see that this is not personal.
Hello! First off, I wanted to say that I loved your advice-it's really insightful. Excellent job. Now, I know that you have been answering about alot of different situations, so I suppose I will ask about mine too (as brief as possible ;] )
I met a guy in one of my college classes. He approached me, made small talk, asked for my number and proceeded to ask me out the same night. He had just gotten out of a long term relationship and so had I, but I decided to hang out with him a few days later anyways. We talked for awhile, and then over the course of the next few weeks starting hanging out more and more. He introduced me to his friends, and I'm always over his house. The thing is we made out and such, but he did not try to have sex with me. He never did the times we were alone. What is confusing me is the fact that his friends always tease him about his past girlfriends whenever I walk into the house, or tease him that he hooked up with another girl. When they accuse him of hooking up with another girl he explains to me that thats not what happened, that he didnt do that. Why does he care what I think?
I mean, I spend alot of time with this guy, but now he's not even kissing me anymore. He flirts with other girls in front of me but doesn't like it when I hang out with other guys? He told me in the beginning he just wanted to be friends, but he never introduces me as such, and now seems to be getting into arguments with me or getting annoyed with me. I don't understand, was he/is he using me? Thank you so much!
Hi moulinshadows, thanks for your question. It sounds like you are getting a lot of mixed signals from this guy.
1. A guy who asks for your number and asks you out the same night is displaying strong interest, unless he makes it clear it's "just friends."
2. You hung out for a few weeks, and made out but he didn't try for sex. This strikes me as a good thing. It sounds like the attraction is there but he was taking it slow on the sex. Since you both recently ended relationships, this seems sensible.
3. It's odd that his friends tease him about hooking up with girls and he denies it. It is interesting that he explains himself to you. I don't know what to make of that.
4. He has stopped kissing you, and flirts with other girls in front of you. This sounds like he has definitely put you in the friend box.
5. He told you in the beginning he just wanted to be friends? That wasn't the impression I got from your description! And not liking your hanging out with other guys? That's inconsistent.
He can't be using you if he isn't trying to get sex. It's very hard to know what is going on in his mind, and you also don't really say what you want. I would decide first if you like him and want more with him. If so, make a move or let him know. Or just ask him what the deal is. Like I said, this guy is giving a lot of mixed signals – it's impossible to say what he wants with the information here.
Thanks for you quick reply! yes, I don't really understand myself. I mean he invited me to meet his friends, have dinner, invite me to work on a project together (which we spent nearly the entire day together) (and did not introduce me as his friend when meeting his friends) and wanted to/met my friends so I dont quite understand. He did break up recently with an ex, and so did I (both of us were in long term ones) but I feel as though he doesnt want to get close to anyone in a sense. I don't understand either, I mean he took the time to explain to me that he didnt hook up with certain girls, but when he found out I got asked out by someone else, he didnt believe me and said its not like he cares. I've seen the way he looks at me, but I dont understand? Why would anyone do this? If he is into hook ups, and has done so in the past, why am I any different? Thank you again
and the girls he flirts with he tells me that they are just his friends or are his friends girlfriends. He said that before he even met me he wanted to be single for awhile. we started hanging out, then thats when he started making out with me. then he said he just wanted to be friends. but then he spends all this time with me and makes out with me but doesnt try to have sex? When I say I've seen how he looks at me I mean I see longing, like he wants to get closer but something is holding him back. But he can go out with other girls. I am really really confused. And to answer your question I do like this guy. We share alot of the same interests, but I don't quite understand his angle or what he wants. I'm not even sure he knows. All I know is he wants to spend alot of time with me one minute, then the next he takes alot of space. I go over his house around once a week and we see each other throughout the week, but I just dont understand his intentions with me.
I need advice! I am currently hooking up with my ex boss! I quit when we started hooking up! We have been hooking up for about a month now. But he knows and has known that I have way mmore feleings for him! He’s socially awkard with people he does not know! But he recently told me that he does not really like sex. He is 29 and I am 20. He won’t give me straight answers, which if he was a normal guy I would know what that meant but he is not normal! Please help me!
Well, he might think you are not a girl for a "one and done" hookup. Certainly, he hasn't tried to go for quick sex. But it also is clear that he's not ready for another relationship. He may find you attractive or even like you but feels the timing is not right.
I think that in the absence of clear signs of interest from him you have two choices:
1. You can go with platonic friendship for now, stop kissing and encouraging him in any way.
2. If you feel very strongly about him, it might be better to cool it for a while – not hang out so much, and pursue the friendship when you're really over him.
Your statement that you're not even sure he knows what he wants is a telling one – it sounds like he does have mixed feelings. But that doesn't work so well for you – maybe he'll come around later, but for now I would definitely let it go.
Brittney, there are a couple of things here that worry me. First, you quit your job to hook up with your boss? That is a HUGE sacrifice to make, a commitment really, when it doesn't sound like he was ready to reciprocate.
Second, there is something very strange about a guy who does not like sex. I'm sorry, but nothing good whatsoever can come of that.
Third, 9 years is a huge age difference at your age.
Fourth, this guy won't give you straight answers? That suggests you ask him directly what's going on and he is evasive. This is a terrible sign.
My advice: Stop hooking up with him right now. I see NOTHING good coming from him. Honestly, you deserve a man who will be honest and straightforward, commit to you, enjoy sex and be willing to express love. This guy is zero for four.
Am enjoying your comments/articles Susana – THANK YOU for sharing them!
it's my second visit within 6 months and now I actually feel compelled to ask a question / request advice since I find myself rather perplexed by this man's behavior.
About 8 months ago I started working (non-official capacity) in a law enforcement agency in a large metro area which I enjoyed immensely.
About 2.5 months ago I was told by a man who also works there and who has been friendly, kind and very helpful to me whenever I had asked for help, that he actually has been very attracted to me ever since he met me. Hm, big surprise for me, he surely kept this a federal secret, but then again, LEO's are trained to contain/conceal their feelings/emotions. And apparently he 'endured' lots of friendly male banter once the others realized he had a fancy for me…. of which I was rather oblivious, strangely to admit. Never believed I'd be such a clueless twit.
We started to go out together; I started to like/notice him around mid December due to some heart-quality he showed to me and I was deeply moved by that way of BEING.
We enjoyed our outings…. – when we finally got together for those outings.
Fun hugs and kisses and slowly getting a feel for each other. Great chemistry, me thinks.
We both are divorced, single. His teenage kid sometimes lives with him, sometimes w/ the ex.
I live on my own for many years.
We both seem to have similar hic-ups and can laugh about it. And share many similar views on how to be in a relationship (with lots of breathing space but w/ loyalty)
What irks me were instances of when we agreed on an outing, but he did not show nor canceled nor called.
That conduct is not okay, and I was stunned and it felt horrible. The reason he had was a good one (major crisis between the ex and the teenager and he negotiating or whatnot; so the teen is back living with him).
There seems to be quite some deranged behavior of others in his hinterland that perturbs me.
How much does he give power to those people and how much could the impact be of derailing what is growing between us?
I need to have a sense of a man being actually thrilled about being with me and SHOWS it.
Words are fine and well, but charm alone does not carry enough weight.
When we are together, he's very attentive, kind and we have a lovely time … and then there is the gap-land of: anybody there???
Luckily I don't have anymore my center of gravity wrapped around the action or non-action of a man, but still, can't get a clear sense of this one here.
I must add that I was not born nor raised here, English is my 4. language, and many so called 'dating rituals' here are to me most peculiar, to say it kindly. American men often confuse the heck out of me, but I can't see myself taking intercontinental flights just so I have a lovely relationship with a suitable man.
So, what's a girl to do?
I am perfectly happy to be slow, but that sense of standstill at times (or is it still stand?) leaves me puzzled.
But maybe I am missing some cultural nuances yet again.
Help!!!
He once shared with me that he feels I'm quite a good match for me (because just before he discovered that I like to do some outdoor excursion that he enjoys very much too but has never found a woman who shared that passion) … but also that it feels so intense for him being with me that he tries to slow it by not seeing me.
Which to me makes as much sense like saying: "Gee, I really like strawberries, so lets not eat them for another 6 months."
He's of course – so he seems – quite mortified about what has happened (him not showing up, nor calling). Feels embarrassed etc. But him feeling 'bad' per se does not do good to anyone.
I wonder what would it take for a man to NOT call in a situation like this?
To me it's inconceivable.
And where I grew up, that actually never happened. I have always known men to do what they say.
At least the men I have been with. When you say something, you do it. Period. Otherwise: it's not even said.
That somehow is not common place here.
See my predicament.
As you might have guessed, I am beyond early college years, (we both are in our mid-40's) – but as far as catching onto to american mannerism between men/women, I am a bloody virgin. No pun intended.
Am not asking you to glance into the crystal bowl, but perhaps some enlightening words on how to glean some sense from this behaviour???
I believe right now he's off cross-country somehow…. a parent very sick.
Really seems we met during one of his diciest times, & I am not inclined to berate or have a tantrum, I just like to be able to draw some conclusions/assessments and then see what feels right and how to proceed.
thank you!
Hi TerraSini, thanks for sharing your story, I'll do my best. First, let me say that you are thinking about this in exactly the right way. You are concerned about things that you should be concerned about, and that is good, because you are unlikely to spend much time with a man who cannot deliver what you want.
There are a few red flags I see:
1. His statement that he tries to slow down his feelings for you by not seeing you tells me that he does not want a committed relationship. He pulls away whenever things start feeling close. This is unfair to you if you would rather move forward! And it puts you on a roller coaster, under his control, which is no way to have a relationship.
2. His failure to call when he had an emergency is inexcusable. Period. Yes, American men can be inconsiderate, and your response should be to tell him that is not acceptable, and that he may never do it again. If he does, you will not see him anymore. He will treat you as well as you demand that he treats you. Don't let him get away with disrespectful behavior.
3. The deranged ex situation is always bad news. If there's continuing drama there, you do not want to play a role. If he is still involved there, it puts you in a position of having to compete with another woman for his attention, and that is unfair to you. He needs to make you a priority, and if he can't do that, he is not ready for a new relationship.
It may just be a case of bad timing, in which case you might choose to generally slow things down and keep things friendly but not sexual. You are definitely right to be concerned, though. I wish you all the best with this man!
BRILLIANT!
Thank you kindly for taking the time to reply – and spot on!
(i.e. nothing 'beats' a good dose of simple but valued common sense. it resonates deeply.)
But what even feels better than that is the sense finally being able to trust my choices with men.
Yes, I like him very much; but I like me more.
And that's not being haughty, but I finally have gotten to the point that I don't feel I need to compromise with crumbs because I feel that crumbs are better than the absolute 'nothing'.
Plus I have learned to sometimes just let things sort themselves out: i.e. having the strength of not needing to meddle, or pull on anyone's sleeves, trying to push the river.
I have learned to not-call, not-text, not-initiate.
Patience is not coming easy to me at all in this matter … I liked to charge ahead, to get on with it … but in that rush I have not paused enough to see them fed flags!
(there are always popping up and being waved … I just did not want to acknowledge them/ see them)
I am learning to trust that the actions of people, especially men here it seems, will speak louder than any fluff-chats and fluff guys will reveal themselves without fail based on their actions.
and your words have helped me to reinforce within me this path of healthy ways of being in a relationship. Evolution does indeed happen
I am so happy that you are sharing all this with many women / men who are stopping by this website. Thank you for your generosity.
What I've like about your comments – the ones I've read this far – that they are not 'formula responses'. (to which I would react somewhat allergic).
Cookie-cuter approaches have no place with intricate and tender venues of ones heart or even lust.
And I have also learned not needing to slam or berate the 'other' when things are not working out the way it feels right or healthy. It's up to me to walk away and let the other be the way they are.
Sometimes we both don't get what we want …. and that has to be alright as well.
Things don't always work out.
And even those this chap was the one pursuing and all that, is fabulously single, dashing, etc …
it does not mean that this is enough for me to simply close my eyes and say: do as you please!
I love to yield to a man, but I am now so much more discriminating to whom I would yield.
And that is not (as this Rxxxx poster on some other tread on this site) me refusing or denying something against a man, but it is FOR me…. something I do FOR me.
(btw … the Rxxx seems to suffer from a serious case of Testosterone poisoning. Frightfully so! hope he gets the proper help AND a sincere look withIN himself)
I am learning that there is some …. what I would call … feminine dignity.
And some things, behaviour or words are simply not okay to do or to say. (at least not when expecting me to remain in the same room/conversation/relationship).
but that, I suppose, everyone has to gauge or find themselves what that means to them.
I for one can't stomach porn. I might be called repressed, but I'd rather be repressed than degraded.
And what other women are willing to do, to condone or participate in can not be my guiding line in such a deeply personal and private matter.
anyway, I am getting off me soapbox now.
But still thanking you very much for the prompt reply.
And if I may, I perhaps even post an up-date in the future if there are further developments.
I do like him, but if there are not some other flavours coming through from him whenever he gets back to town, I will just keep liking him from a distance, and keeping it friendly, as you said!
he is caring and has demonstrated it, but I would need him actually to SHOW UP.
I don't need a man to be alone, I can do that on my own!
ah, I love this freedom of not having my center of gravity evolve around the action or non-action of a man.
this is a new sense of freedom in my life and I am truly thrilled!
Thanks for listening. And thank you for your good wishes too!!!
Sini
Sini, you show a lot of wisdom here! I know you are going to be fine. Please do check back in anytime and keep me updated! xoxo
This was hard for me to read considering the guy I've been pining over falls under the majority of those signs, but I still feel slightly played. I met this guy (we'll call him Boy A) 7 years ago at a summer camp.
One day I'm gushing to a coworker about Boy A, this guy that I've been in love with since I was 13 and as I'm telling her about it he chats me on Facebook. The stars aligned. I figure I have nothing to lose, I was newly single at this point, so I ask him if he wants to hang out and catch up. I guess I didn't know what I was signing up for, because it became very obvious that he came over to have sex, which we did. And it was fine. I didn't feel guilty about it, I actually felt kind of relieved. I finally felt like I had him out of my system.
Not long after that, I got another boyfriend. Boy A and I talked a few times, and my boyfriend and I even ran into him at a concert once. It was very friendly and sociable. My boyfriend and I weren't together for very long. Two days after we broke up, Boy A chats me up inquiring about my recent single status and makes plans to hang out with me the next day. I pushed it to later that week. He wanted to sleep with me, but it was the wrong time of the month, but he said he was okay with just kissing and cuddling. So we did, and we had a really nice conversation. I went over there the next week, and we ended up sleeping together. This turned into a biweekly thing for about two months. We'd even gone on a few dates/hung out with friends on a few occasions during that time, and he would put his arm around me, kiss my head, and treat me like I was his. He told me he liked me, and everything was fine. I told him I liked him, and it blew up in my face. He told me he just wanted to be single, he told me I deserved better. But we continued to sleep together, and I guess I can't blame him because I okayed it. New Year's Eve rolls around and we spend it together, he kisses me at midnight, then tells me his resolution is to be celibate for awhile, but he invites me to stay the night (which I declined due to work in the morning). His reason for being celibate was he felt like he was neglecting his friends among other things. I respected that; more power to him. I didn't know what this meant for our "relationship," though. I thought we'd still hang out. I was wrong. He basically dropped me from his life. In February, he got a girlfriend and I was pissed. He was always so adamant about being single. And I just felt like it's not that he didn't want a girlfriend, he just didn't want ME as his girlfriend and it's just so hard to wrap your head around something like that. Their relationship didn't last long at all, just a few weeks really. I talked to him two or three times and he was still keeping up with his celibacy.
Then, last week, he chats me on Facebook. He tells me about how his ex girlfriend took advantage of him on St. Patrick's Day while he was under the influence of several different intoxicants. He said he might give up his celibacy because he felt like she tainted it and he wanted to feel like he was in control of his own body. This conversation went late into the night, until he finally asked if it would be absurd to come over. I said no. He came over. We all know where that went. We've talked almost every day since then. I went out of town on Sunday, otherwise I think he probably would have tried to see me again.
I know how awful this appears. And I know how much it seems like he just came to me because he knew I'd say yes, and I feel like shit about that. It's kind of hard for me to accept, though, because of the way he treats me when we're together. He's always genuinely interested in what I have to say, what my plans are for the day, week, whatever, who I'm talking to, if any boys are pursuing me, etc. I don't know if I should feel like shit because he turned to me as soon as he started having sex again, or flattered. Because it really could go either way. And his words and his actions don't match up (ie I want to be single, but I'm going to treat you like my girlfriend).
I'm okay with keeping things casual, a really serious relationship doesn't sound too appealing to me either at this point in my life, but I think I'm due at least the respect of exclusivity. What are your thoughts?
Hmmmm, madlyinaction, I don't think you are going to like my thoughts. The biggest warning sign here is that he had a sexual relationship with you, backed away from committing, and then got a girlfriend the next month. It doesn't matter that it didn't last with her – the point is that he would not make that commitment to you.
So what's changed? You already know he will commit to someone he is really into, so if he won't by your boyfriend, then…..It may seem like he is being attentive, but really, how hard is it to be attentive in conversation? Asking about your plans, who you're talking to, what boys like you, etc. might be just making sure he's going to keep getting no-strings sex.
If you really like this guy, I would stop having sex with him immediately. Tell him what you want from him. If he is not willing to give it, you walk. Right now he has all the control in the relationship, and you hit the nail on the head – he is not respecting you.
I figured as much, which is what I was afraid of. It's gotten to the point where it's just so hard to say no. But I realize I'm letting him do this to me, so it's up to me to stand up for myself. Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it. It's kind of what I've always known, but didn't want to accept. Now it's just getting up the guts to talk to him about it…
I know it's hard, but believe me – whichever way it goes you will feel a huge relief afterwards. Good luck.
i need advice ! so about a month and a half ago i met this kid at work who is honestly my perfect match.. he also happens to be my bosses son. at first he said that he wasnt looking for a relationship. we text constantly, talk on the phone sometimes. i've been to his house and he's been to mine. he takes me out with all of his friends and mine come too. the problem is idk if he wants a relationship. one night we were making out and i got scared that he might think this is just a hook up. when i asked him if we were on the same page he said he likes me alot and not to worry about anything. he said he hasnt fallen for anyone this fast and everything about me seems right. he also spent his birthday with me instead of going out w friends. but he keeps hinting around that he wants to do intimate stuff this weekend…. please help!!
Hi bruiseonherego, welcome! Thanks for leaving a comment. I'm not sure of your age here – I'm guessing still in high school. I'm not seeing any red flags here. Sounds like this guy likes you a lot. Guys always say they aren't looking for a relationship at that age, and it's hard to know what to think. I always say take them at their word. In other words, don't move forward without him signaling a change of heart. "Don't worry about anything" is not sufficient reassurance. My advice is to not do anything too intimate until you know where you stand. Ask him outright, and don't do anything that feels risky. Sex should never feel risky. I can tell that you're really into him – I hope it's mutual!
so i'm falling for my hookup and i'm sure if he's falling for me. we've been friends for about a year and just started hooking up a few months ago, it's not awkward at all and i'm incredibly comfortable with him which is a rare thing for me. one week we'll be at a party and he'll show interest in me, talk to me a lot, have his arm around me infront of everyone, ask me to stay over. then other weeks it'll seem like nothing's happened between us and i'm just another kid at the party. he asked me to go to a concert with him next week that's out of state, said that i should come and there's room in his car for me. i bought a ticket but i'm still so confused, my mind's been going crazy thinking about this whole situation. maybe he likes me but doesn't want a relationship right now or maybe he's hooking up with other girls, though i haven't seen him acting interested in other people. he's so genuine when we're together and i love it, idk what to do about it all.
i meant not sure if he's falling for me* haha i wish i was sure that he was
Nicole, it sounds like the two of you are close, and there's a lot of good stuff happening between you, but you're not sure where you stand. His behavior has been unpredictable – and maybe he feels that you are hard to read too. There is only one solution: you have to lay it on the line. You don't have to say, I'm crazy about you, head over heels, but you do need to say, "Hey, I want to know what you're thinking/feeling about this, because it's been on my mind." You definitely need to know if he's hooking up with others girls, especially if you are having sex. Guys will almost never initiate THE TALK. Women have to do it. I know you dread it, but believe me, it is the only way forward. You need to know NOW what is going on in this kid's mind. Good luck. xoxo
K, I have been hanging out with this guy for about a month now. We knew of eachother in school but never really talked then. I just rescently went through a divorce and I told him that I didn’t want any kind of relationship yet cause I’m not emotionally ready. He said that when he finds out if a sex buddy is falling for him that he cuts the sex off and concentrates on being friends. But alas I am falling for him, I am so confused about him though. He is always texting me, he tells me that he misses me through out the day, has a nickname for me, he comes over after he is done with work, picks me up from work sometimes, has introduced me to his daughter and close friends which he considers family. I have asked him before if he has done this with any of his other sex buddies and he says that he has, but yet when we went over to his friends house they said it was nice to see him with a girl for a change. I say I’m confused cause sometimes all he wants to do is talk about sex. Hmmm….any idea of what might be going through his head would be great!
Oh and I forget to say that he also designated Tuesdays as our movie night….see what I mean? Just so confusing…
Hi Jenna, thanks for commenting! Honestly, it’s impossible for to know what is going on in his mind, and it sounds like he doesn’t know how you’re feeling either. If he found out that you have developed feelings for him, and he cut off the sex, that would be a blessing, because it would prevent further heartbreak for you. If he didn’t want to cut off the sex because he also has feelings, that would be wonderful. You won’t know until you ask him.
I am concerned that you just went through a divorce, have said within the last month that you are not emotionally ready for a relationship, and now have fallen for him. Think carefully about what you really need here. Also think about whether you are capable of being anyone’s sex buddy without developing feelings – most women aren’t.
Talk to him, lay it on the line. It’s time.
Im a sophomore in highschool and I recently moved to a very small town during first semester. When I walked into one of my classes I glanced around and noticed several guys and a few of the girls that I would spend the rest of the year with. All of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I notice this guy. He looked over at me and smiled the cutest smile ever. Well it turns out that the guy is good friends with a member of my family and they were talking about me one day. When he was asked if he liked me he juss brushed it off and tried to change the subject. We have the same lunch and he will sit and stare at me and he goes out of his way to bump into me in the hallway. When we are in class he will do things to get my attention and I will catch him staring at me out of the corner of his eye. We dont talk much but when we do its just simple stuff. I met someone else and was in a realtionship for a few months and he didnt talk to me much during that time. He is an upper classmen and has been heartbroken by a girl that he was with for a few years so I dont know if he likes me or if he is trying to play me. All of my friends keep trying to get to be at the same place at the same time like at parties or on the vacation that we are all planning this summer and it makes me wonder if they know something I dont. When I talked to a guy that was a friend of both of ours he said he would talk to him about and see what he said. Later that I asked my friend what was said and he told me that he changed the subject just the way he did when he talked about me before. So now with the year almost at an end and him being a senior I dont know what to do. He has never said if he likes me or not and I cant figure it out. What do you think?
@Angie Collins: Hi Angie, thanks for commenting! First of all, it’s clear that this guy is attracted to you. He watches you all the time and goes out of his way to bump into you. On the other hand, he has never made a move or admitted this attraction, even to his friends. He’s definitely not playing you – he’s not doing anything! Given that he’s a senior, it seems unlikely that anything will happen now. If he does make a move, be careful that he isn’t just going for a one-time thing. He may be shy, he may be wary because he was hurt once, or he may not want to get involved with someone when he knows he is leaving. There’s no harm in flirting and having fun, but I’d be careful not to get attached to this guy.
Ok, I’ve got one for you. What about a guy who is continually after you, even though you’ve ignored him, given him the cold shoulder, and even acted very obviously negative towards his advances? I’ve been being chased by this guy I know, for a couple years now, and although, at first, I liked him, after a few months, decided that he was not for me, and short of telling him bluntly, “give it up, I’m not interested”, I’ve dropped every subtle– and obvious– hint that I can think of. I would’ve thought that the cold-shoulder and just plain ignoring him would be enough, but he does not give up his pursuit. Now, to be fair, over time, I have realized that I have sent him some unconscious signals that have apparently led him to believe that I am interested– that’s my fault, because even though I know he’s not right for me, I am still physically attracted to him; but like I said, I have been ignoring him for quite some time now, and he will not give up. I am too much of a chicken to tell him flat-out to stop chasing me, because he is rather sensitive to criticism. How can I let him down, gently, but clearly? HELP!!!
Jo, it sounds like you are sending mixed messages. You give hints that say no, but something about your manner or body language says YES! The only answer is for you to tell him clearly that you don’t think the two of you would be good together. You don’t have to say you are not attracted, just that you have decided it’s not a good idea to pursue it. That way you don’t hurt his feelings, but take responsibility for it not being a good match. Obviously, he hasn’t gotten the message so far, so you’re going to have to be direct.
Ouch. Ok, I understand what you’re saying, Susan, thank you for your help:) I usually am direct with people, but find it extremely difficult to be direct with him; partly because of my attraction to him, but also partly because he’s very sensitive and gets his feelings hurt easily. Otherwise, I’d have told him a long time ago. Thanks, again, for responding and for the tactful method that you suggested. I hope that it works. It might be awhile before I have a chance to do it, so keep your fingers crossed, lol. J/K, just send some XXX’s my way; those can stay up here a lot longer than your fingers, haha!
OK, XXX’s it is. Keep us posted! BTW, just a thought. Are you sure he is not relationship material?
Thanks Susan:) I am positive he’s not, but just out of curiosity– tsk, tsk, lol– why do you ask?
Then why did you hook up then? Whats your definition of being chased? And I think Susan is right and deep down you probably do want a relationship. Whats the worst that could happen? Sound’s like you live a planned out life perhaps that’s the reason you are writing to a post. Not everything has to be perfect.
Well, I don’t know anything about him, obviously, but he is persistent. I don’t hear often from women that guys have been pursuing for two years. At least he’s consistent.
Susan: There are several reasons why he is not relationship material, but the main one is, that he is married. Now, he was not married at the time he first began pursuing me- he broke up w/ his now wife, for a time, in order to do it, but then, a few months later, decided to marry her because he accidentally knocked her up.
To Ale: We never actually “hooked-up”, and thank God for that. God knows the regrets that I’d be living with if that had happened.
Yes, you are right, Susan. And I’ve even have a very close, well-trusted and well-seasoned guy friend tell me that a man will not pursue a woman for more than a few short months if he is not genuinely interested. And yes, I WAS very interested in having a relationship with him- until he got married, obviously. So, that’s why. But, I guess I just can’t seem to get a handle on the unconscious signals that I’m sending him. I really don’t mean to, because I am dead-set on not pursuing him or accepting his advances- and he is, despite his circumstances, dead-set on continuing to pursue me! It’s VERY frustrating…
OMG! I never even dreamed it was something like that. Seriously, Jo? Who cares if he is easily hurt? Tell him to get lost! I know you’ll miss the attention, it’s flattering, but as long as you are attracted to him and in touch, you’re making yourself emotionally unavailable to some guy who is single!
Unfortunately, I care- too much, apparently, haha. But yes, You are right, Susan, I should tell him to get lost. Like I had said before, I’m a big chicken. XXX- here’s hoping that I grow some balls, lol:)
Hey Susan, I know you’re not a psychic or anything but basically I really need an opinion, severely!
So I’ve been at my job for about a year and a half now… when I first started housekeeping at a hotel (which was March of 2009) there was a front desk gentleman who I found very, very attractive. The first day I met him there, he kept staring at me in an infatuated way, which was weird I thought. He asked if I was taking classes and said maybe he’ll see me around campus. Later on I found out he had a girlfriend, and had been with her for almost 6 years. So from the day I started to about the end of february of the following year, we didn’t really talk outside of work. But all that time he was more than obviously staring at me in a way that suggested he found me attractive. He never acted upon it though. Good boy! ‘Cause he stayed faithful. Anyway, come around March, his girlfriend had cheated on him with some douche. He forgave her and they tried it again but she wanted to keep seeing the other guy, so they broke up. I’m not sure who did the breaking up. He was an absolute wreck after that night they officially ended things. I got to see him crying at work, it made me so sad. So I told him if he ever needed to talk, to give me a call or text me and I’m an open ear. I meant it truly just to be a friend. About a week later he takes advantage of my offer. He took me to a movie, and ever since March we’ve been talking nearly every single day. Still, and it’s August. About two weeks into everything since we started hanging out, I was an idiot and slept with him after a party. We were sober. The next day he told me he didn’t want a relationship and wasn’t ready for one yet. It hurt, I felt used and thought he was going to avoid me. But no… the next night he bought me flowers. It was so sweet, and from then on we have hung out so very often. He has introduced me to every friend, and took me out to several dinners. When we’re alone (and only alone, not in public) he is so affectionate. He’ll kiss my forehead, carress my hair, hold my hand, kiss me, etc… and there’s the sexual parts too… but anyway, we’ve been real close since that very first day he called me.
He gets jealous whenever I text someone or someone texts me. Let alone call. He says comments like “Who’s that, your boyfriend?” When I say yes (jokingly) he looks so very disappointed. In a sad way, not “damn, there goes my piece of ass” kinda way. When I say just kidding, he smiles big and all is happy-dandy.
He lets comments slip, and it goes a little like this: Me: “Hey remember that movie Avatar we went to and loved?” Him: “No, that must have been with your OTHER boyfriend.” Then he automatically corrects himself with: “I mean, another guy.” Then he resumes to look embarrassed. Why would he think of himself as my boyfriend? is it wishful thinking or simple mistake?
He rarely goes long without having to text me. It’s like he always has to know where I am and what I’m doing. It’s like he misses me. Once he went away for a few days and told me he missed me.
He always wants me to hang out with him. We do a lot together. We cook together, take walks, go to parties together, etc.
Which reminds me… every time we’re at a party, the WHOLE night his eyes are on me, and they oddly appear as if they’re smiling. He has an expression I cannot dare pin. It’s a very positive look, though. Like there’s no one in the room but me, and after the party is over we usually, shamefully I’ll say it, end up sleeping together. I usually spend the night when it’s late like that. And he tells me he kinda likes sleeping together. Though I mean literally, not sexually. Like actually sleeping side by side.
He always has to touch me. It’s like he can’t keep his hands off of me, and it’s so confusing. He still says he doesn’t want anything serious. And it’s stirring up quite the frustration bug inside of me. Part of me feels he’s still very much in love with his ex. It has been five months. Over five. He could be over her and just want to have fun for now, and it’s fine seeing as I can’t blame him for not wanting to hop RIGHT into another relationship so soon. He needs a breathing period. But I’ve fallen for him. I haven’t told him this yet. Well… not fully. I told him I had feelings for him and might not be able to do this much longer or they’ll turn for the worst. HE didn’t say much, just that I should tell him if I don’t want to do this anymore and he’ll understand. But after that night I told him, he seemed even MORE into me. So affectionate, and we slept together that night too, and he was very touchy-feely.
I cannot peg this situation… the smarter part of me feels that I should end this now before future hurt, but the unwise part wants to continue, because this feeling I get with him is like a high I cannot control. What should I do and is he into me? Please help!
Wow shit I wrote a novel.
Hi I could really use an outsiders opinion here.
For a couple of months at the end of last year I hooked up with this guy a few times. I was under no illusions that it was anything more than just sex which suited me fine. He ended up with a girlfriend anyway and I was okay with that because I didn’t have feelings for him- I was just attracted to him.
He and his girlfriend broke up in May. I started seeing him out a lot more and we would often just chat and we got along really well. Naturally enough I started to really like him. He’s a great guy. At the start of July on a night out (we hang out at the same places so we always bump in to each other), I threw caution to the wind and tried to kiss him. He said no because he was just out of a relationship and was really sorry. Later that night another girl tried to kiss him and he just flat out denied her- didn’t give her a reason. He could have just done that so he didn’t seem like an ass in front of me. I really don’t know.
A week after that I bumped in to him again, briefly. We just had a talk and a cigarette. He hugged me goodbye and then he kissed me. We talked online after that and he made last minute plans to come hang out at mine but they fell through. He said he was disappointed. I was still pretty sure he would have just wanted sex.
About a month ago now I was at a friends house really late, it was 3am. We got chatting online and told him if he’s not too busy he could come to my friends and the three of us could just hang out. He came over and we cuddled and held hands. Eventually we went to bed and had sex. Maybe it’s wishful thinking on my part but it was different. He cared about whether I was having a good time or not (whereas before it just was so long as he was happy, hah) and for the first time he stayed all night and slept beside me all cuddly. When he woke up the next morning we lay cuddling for hours just talking about random stuff- music, family etc. I felt a connection but that could just be me.
On Friday again he came back to my friends place with me and once again we were all cuddly and holding hands, kissed me on my forehead. We had sex again and again there was more of a connection than the times last year. He wasn’t able to stay all night this time but he stayed for a while and we talked and he stroked my back. On Friday and the time before that we also looked into each others eyes whilst having sex which didn’t happen before. When he left on Friday he knew I would be away all this week and asked me if I was able to be online and talk to him when I’m gone. I can and have. The conversation is nice and casual and not at all sexual.
I think an important point to make is that when it comes to the sex it’s all down to me. He doesn’t put any pressure on or anything. I really like him and want to tell him but I’m scared. Although we haven’t talked much about it, I know his girlfriend was the one to end their relationship. Even though he hasn’t said it I get the feeling she hurt him. He could be perfectly happy with the way things are between us but I can’t help but want to know where this is gonna go. I think about him all the time and miss him like crazy. Any insight? Thanks.
Ok, I have been reading all of the above posts, and I really need advice.
I am a 28 year old singlr mom of 3 and for the past month and a half I have been hooking up with a 22 year old man. When things first started I told him I wanted a relationship, but he told me he was not looking for a girlfriend. I was and still am ok with that for now, but he acts like he is falling for me. He exihibits all the signs in the article, he seems interested in my life and even confides in me about his. He comes over every other night or so, and he even spends the night.
We do not meet during the day, due to our schedules not matching up. He is genuinly concerned about my feelings and makes sure I am comfortable. He has even put questions out there concerning jealousy EX: “If a year from now you saw me talikng to other females would you get mad?”.
We hang out and watch movies together, as well he cuddles with me and holds my hand, I do not want to read too much into it, so could you shed some light on this??
@Just Me
First, I think you need to ask him point blank if he still feels the same way he did at the beginning, or if his feelings about a relationship have changed. When he answers that question, you need to believe him, as long as his actions match what he says.
However, his being 22 is a huge red flag. I’m not worried about the age difference at all, but a guy that age is unlikely to want a serious commitment, especially if it involves the lives of three children. I regularly counsel women in their early 20s to go at least 5 years up to find a guy who is mature enough to be contemplating settling down. He’s awfully young for that. In any case, you won’t know until you ask him, so I think you should do that asap. Good luck!