10 Signs That Your Hookup is Falling For You

June 15, 2009

In a culture that prioritizes sexual intimacy before emotional intimacy, forming real romantic attachments is a challenge for both men and women. And yet, many relationships begin with casual sex.

I’ve created a flowchart describing the anatomy of relationships today:

Slide1

As you can see, there are lots of hurdles one needs to jump before landing in a loving romantic relationship, known as dating. And there are many perils and risks along the journey. So before you reach DATE, how can you tell whether the other person is getting invested? You can ask, of course, and I always encourage you to do that. It can be awkward, though, and it’s better if you are not left wondering every step of the way, in need of verbal clarification to understand what is going on.

Here are some signs that indicate a guy is falling for you:

1. He seeks information about your life.

He is curious about your schedule, your friendships, your favorite things, what you find funny, etc. He wants to acquaint himself with your background and your routines.

2. He seeks your approval.

Whether it’s about his new haircut, an interest of his, or his friendships, he seeks reassurance that you find him appealing.

3. He jokes about his potential competition in a way that is clearly designed to elicit information.

He may be curious about who is calling or texting. Or he may ask you how you know a certain guy that you seem friendly with. Again, he is seeking reassurance. He hopes that you will tell him indirectly that there is no one else you are interested in besides him.

4. He does not keep you guessing.

Of course you’ll wonder just what he is feeling for you. But once he decides he likes you, he’ll want you to know it, so that you’ll stick around and like him back. He will show interest clearly by keeping in touch so that you don’t hook up with someone else. You should never feel that he is secretive, especially about what he’s doing when he’s not with you. If his friends don’t seem to know much about you or your role in his life, that is never a good sign.

5. He cares how you feel.

If he’s into it, he will not roll his eyes when you need to talk. If anything, he will act more communicative than he normally is, in an effort to show you he is capable of talking about emotions (even though he hates it).

6. He shows you off.

He wants his friends to see you with him, and to introduce you to them. He acts pleased to know you in a group setting with other girls around. He is staking a claim to signal to other guys that you are otherwise occupied. He is happy to admit that he is attracted to you.

7. He wants to have a lot of affectionate contact that is not sexual.

He will enjoy holding hands, giving hugs, and touching you during conversation. He wants to be close to you in a way that includes friendship and affection other than sex.

8. You’ve developed  your own private “language.”

He’ll create private jokes, nicknames, and other endearments that create intimacy between the two of you. He’ll tease you. This is especially telling, because guys feel more comfortable being affectionate early in a relationship when it is cloaked in humor. If he teases with an edge, though, in a way that embarrasses or humiliates you, you need to bounce.

9. He does not demonstrate interest in anyone else.

If he’s doing a lot of flirting, or worse, hooking up with someone else, give it up.

10. During sex, he focuses on you.

He tries hard to please you by paying attention to your signals, or asking point blank. Lots of eye contact, using your name, and letting you know how turned on he is are all very good signs that you are not just a warm and soft receptacle for his orgasm. You should feel that the sex is definitely about the two of you together, rather than individuals each getting off.

Not all of these signs need to occur early or simultaneously for a guy to be developing real feelings for you. But they serve as an indication of his level of investment. The bottom line is that if you have to wonder whether or not he likes you, then you should assume that he doesn’t. If he is not reliably and consistently attentive, remember that you are a free agent, and keep your options open. If he doesn’t want to risk losing you to someone else, he’ll make his interest clear.

Update: Unfortunately, due to the growth of HUS,  it’s no longer possible to provide individual advice in the comment threads. If you would like feedback from me and other readers, please submit your question to the forum. You will find the tab at the top of the page or you can click here: http://www.hookingupsmart.com/forum/. 

2 Pingbacks/Trackbacks

  • http://singlutionary.com/ Singlutionary

    Way too complicated. I have had guys do all the the above but they were total crazy muffin cheaters. Or they lived in another city or weren't really interested in commitment, etc.

    If a guy really wants to be IN A RELATIONSHIP with you, he'll do these things, yes. But a guy who just enjoys being intimate with you will do them too. He might secretly be longing to be intimate with everyone else.

    The ONLY way to know is to ask directly and pointedly. As your flow chart points out, this will most likely end in a “date” or “dumped” conclusion. But isn't it best to know sooner and not waste any more of your precious youth on false intimacy lovers.

  • susanawalsh

    You know that I agree with you, because I've written about Intimacy Lite and Say What You Need to Say. However, I'm aware that it's not realistic to expect women to have “the talk” in the first few weeks. Also, there's a period early on where both parties are getting to know each other, and shouldn't necessarily be held accountable for their intentions regarding a relationship. These signs refer to that early period, where you don't want to be calling him out, but you want a sense of how it's going. Do some guys do all of the above simultaneously with several women? Yes, and they are cheating liars. But I don't think that is the norm. I think that if you are experiencing all of the above with a guy early on, that's an excellent prospect.

  • Gigi

    My “boyfriend” would like to know what you mean by “Fake BF”…BTW he loved the chart!

  • http://openyourhearttothelove.blogspot.com/ searchingwithin

    I think the best one is;

    “if you have to wonder whether or not he likes you, then you should assume that he doesn’t.” I think you pretty much know where you stand, whether or not you want to. You can attempt to dream up how you want it to be, but in reality, you know. At least I do.

  • susanawalsh

    Gigi, thanks for your comment! Fake BF is when you are hooking up regularly with a guy, you think it is going great, it feels just like dating except that you have never actually had the Define the Relationship talk. You find out it wasn't dating when he hooks up with someone else, which is his right if there was no official commitment. Girls need to make their wishes and expectations clear if they don't want to fall into the Fake BF trap. By the way, what does your boyfriend think of the 10 signs? Are they legit?

  • susanawalsh

    Searchingwithin, I agree. I think that is the key point. If you're wondering, either he's not into it, or he's playing mind games. Both of those scenarios are unacceptable. I urge women to wait for someone who will make his interest and intent clear. If you don't wait, then by definition you settle.

  • unknown

    So I've been “hooking” up with this guy for a month and it's weird cause he shows those signs, I told him I wanted to end things last night and he seemed disappointed almost like he didn't want to stop, when I got off the phone with him I just hung up in his face, and he txt me about 2hrs later asking me if i were awake. I'm forgetting to mention that I'm married. I know horrible, but that's a total different story. To me he seems like the type of guy I wouldn't typically like or date more of a man whore, but he shows a lot of interest in me. I need some advice please!!

  • susanawalsh

    Listen, I'm not judging you but I think I have to draw the line at giving adultery advice. I just can't do it. I don't know your story, but I do know one thing. What's needed here is a lot more open communication among all three members of this triangle.

    Also, just wondering: why would you need advice on how to deal with a man whore? Dump!

  • susanawalsh

    Listen, I'm not judging you but I think I have to draw the line at giving adultery advice. I just can't do it. I don't know your story, but I do know one thing. What's needed here is a lot more open communication among all three members of this triangle.

    Also, just wondering: why would you need advice on how to deal with a man whore? Dump!

  • stormscr3

    I have an important serious question. I recently ended my almost 3 year relationship being a college student in my senior year. I have known two really great gorgeous girls and was starting to get to know one to which i started to focus some of my “attention” towards. I had an event to which I bring a date coming up so I asked the one to the weekend event and right before I left, the other girl came onto me and we “hooked up” – made out and such. Then the weekend happened and I had sexual relations with the one girl because it clicked. Then we get back and they kinda found out about each other. The one from the weekend I continued to hook up with twice and we watched a few movies and such. The only problem is I have fallen for the other girl after being with the other one a few times. She found out I had stayed over and such and she was mad and blah but she still shows interest. Bad News: they live across the hall from each other on the same floor of an apartment structure. Look i'm not some player and i'm completely new to this being single thing as its only been less than 2 months since my breakup, I have no idea what to do. I like both … only legitimately hooked up with one…please give some advice thanks so much!

  • susanawalsh

    Hi Stromscr3, thanks for your question. Before I answer it, I just want to make sure I've got the details straight.

    1. You asked Girl A to a weekend away.
    2. You made out with Girl B just before the weekend.
    3. You and Girl A have now had sex three times, and are hanging out.
    4. Girl B is pissed that you have hooking up with Girl A, but she's still acting interested in you.
    5. You say you like both, but you have really fallen for Girl B. You are losing interest in Girl A.

    For what it's worth, based on what you've said, I don't think you've done anything wrong, but it is really important that you are honest with these girls. Let me know if I understand correctly, and we'll take it from there.

    I'm glad you found HUS!

  • stormscr3

    Yeah i'm really glad I found this website too and yes you have everything correct. I really like both girls for different things they offer and being newly single I dunno how to handle this attention. I don't want to play the girls but I also want to be single. I feel like I am gonna get myself caught up in a relationship I don't want to be in right away. Thanks again for your response!

  • susanawalsh

    Storm, I've decided to write a post about this. I'll put it up tomorrow morning! Let me know what you think in the Comments of that one.

  • stormscr3

    Thank you so much Susan -

  • susanawalsh

    It's up!

  • theitaliangirl

    Hi,

    I have known this guy for a little more than 2 months now. There was a good chemistry from the beginning, and we became very good friends, like we would spend hours till early morning talking about each other. He wanted to know everything about me. I eventually fell for him, and we ended up having sex. After that night, though, he called me saying that he felt a bit 'weird' because he still felt guilty for his ex girlfriend (they broke a year and a half ago, but they were together for 10 years) even though he agreed that was rather absurd. I told him I liked him, but he said he didn't want to have romantic relationships for the moment, and that we could keep 'doing stuff' and be friends. After that, though, he showed more affection than a normal friend would do. He would tell me that he missed me, and he showed photos of me to his family. Now things haven't changed much, we still see each other everyday and spend time together, except we haven't had sex since after Xmas holidays. He's a very complex guy, he tends to be depressed often and is very insecure.I am very much in love with him, but I feel like he's giving me very mixed signs and can't figure out what he feel for me.

    Thanks!

  • susanawalsh

    Hi italiangirl, thanks for leaving a comment! Wow, that sounds like a very complicated situation. I can understand why you can't figure it out! My thoughts:

    1. For whatever reason, he hasn't moved on emotionally from his ex-gf. It does seem odd if it's been a year and a half. But he is clearly telling you that he is not looking for a relationship, and I always say when a guy tells you that, believe him.

    2. “Doing stuff and being friends” is all well and good for him, but it kind of sucks for you. You're in love with him, so that is going to make you feel terrible pretty quickly. Again, this is a man telling you he is not available. It's a bad deal for you.

    3. You mention that you've known him a bit more than 2 months, but you haven't had sex for a few weeks. That strikes me as odd – since those weeks make up about half the time you've known him.

    4. If he is depressed and insecure on top of everything else, he is not good relationship material.

    I know you've fallen for this guy, but if I were you I would stop having sex altogether. Perhaps you can go back to being platonic friends, but if you are really in love with him, it would probably be useful for you to take a break. As things stand, I don't see anything ahead for you but heartbreak. If that has to happen, better now than in a few months or more.

    The bottom line is not what he feels for you. This is where girls often make their biggest mistake. The real question is what he is willing to OWN. If he's fighting his feelings and pushing you away you have nothing. He has to deliver on his feelings, or it does you no good at all.

    I'm sorry to be harsh here – but I don't have a good feeling about where this guy's head is at.

  • stargirl14

    This post is great! My situation is thus; I met a guy almost a year ago, and he was more attracted to me than I was to him. I was also with someone else at that time so I completely stopped talking to the man I'd met. He left a few “why aren't you talking to me?” voicemails and texts before giving up and going his own way. We go to the same university, and this year we live in the same apartment building. It was awkward seeing him at first, but we went along not really talking up until about three weeks ago I saw him at a bar and he asked if we could “be friends”. Since that night, I've talked to him mostly every day. We had sex a few nights after, but he frequently comes over to my apartment to watch movies and talk. We kiss and cuddle and lot, and he is displaying all of the signs you have listed here as being interested in more than a sex-based relationship. He is very curious about my life, definitely tries to see if I'm interested in anyone else and is generally a very sweet guy.

    Now, that is all well and great, but the first night we had sex he asked what I was looking for, and I said I wasn't looking for anything in particular, just going with the flow. He said he wasn't looking for anything too serious, which makes me think it's just a friends with benefits deal we've started. The other thing that sort of worries me is that before he and I started, for the last few months he had been hooking up with a different girl. To my knowledge they haven't hooked up since he and I started talking again, but it still seems like they are friendly.

    I don't know whether he just likes being intimate without a relationship, or he actually likes me as more than a hookup and this could grow into something more. I know the probable best thing to do is just give it a little time and see what happens, but if you have any input that would be wonderful!

    Thanks so much Susan, your articles are great!

  • susanawalsh

    Hey, Stargirl, thanks for stopping by and commenting!

    It's pretty obvious to me that both of you are caught up in pretending to be the least interested party. You're both playing it so cool, it's freezing!

    What you should do next depends on how you feel about him. If you are down for FWB, no-strings, you don't have to do anything, it sounds like that's pretty much what you've got now, even if you both feel more.

    If you are cool keeping it casual, but want to be exclusive sexually, you've got to raise that issue. How would you feel if you found out he was having sex with you AND the other girl? If you are not willing to double dip, you're going to have to say so. From an STD standpoint, this is important, and I recommend that you at least know whether the guy you are having sex with is with anyone else too.

    However, I do get the impression you like this guy, and would welcome the chance to see if this could develop into something more serious. You could just give it more time, but as I said above, I think you at least need to know whether he is having sex with anyone else, and if you're going to have that convo, you might as well go all out and ask him where he sees this going.

    I know it's awkward to ask, but I'd hate to see you waste time, like weeks or even months, only to find out you two aren't on the same page. On the other hand, he might say right now that he wants to make it work, and you'll feel great about it. Either way, in this situation more info is better than less info.

  • prettyconfused

    Hey! I love your advice column and that you actually check it and give great, attentive advice! I'm having a little confusion in my love life and was wondering if you can help me see the light.
    Here it goes:

    I was introduced to a great guy, few years older, out of college (I'm about to grad college) through a mutual friend. Weve been seeing each other for a few mos now. We went out on a few dates and really hit it off. We've become very close. Met his family, went away together for a weekend, hang out with him very regularly, and have met all his friends! His job requires him to travel about 20 hours away from time to time but he also has time periods when he is home. About a month ago, we had the “where is this going talk” (that i initiated). He seemed uncomfortable during the talk and said he didn't think it was fair to put a title on this right now, when his work is so unpredictable at the moment. That i understood. but he then proceeded to explain that he doesn't want us to see anyone else, which really confuses me. I'm not sure if he really does have intentions to commit to a serious relationship in the future, or if this is just a casual relationship thing or as you call it “the fake b/f”. I can tell he really cares about me. Hes very affectionate, sweet, caring and is genuinely a nice guy. He loves introducing me to all his friends, isn't secretive at all we never fight. What do you think is going on here? Should i initiate the talk again?

    Thanks for your advice, i look forward to it!

  • susanawalsh

    Hi prettyconfused, thanks for leaving a question. I'll do my best to answer it. My sense is that this relationship is going extremely well, and I wouldn't worry too much about making it official right now. He expressed that he doesn't feel ready. His work plays a role, but also, it might just be too soon for him to want to be serious.

    On the other hand, he has requested that the two of you be exclusive, so he's not just playing you or keeping his options open (fake BF). It sounds to me from your description of his behavior that his feelings are genuine and he doesn't really want to keep himself on the market.

    I would chill for a bit. Enjoy each other's company. He now knows that you would like to at least consider a commitment, and believe me, he won't forget. Don't mention it again, as long as you continue to feel that he is attentive and interested. If you ever start getting mixed signals, that's a different story, but for now I would just let things take their natural course. He sounds like a great guy.

  • prettyconfused

    Thank you, it's good to hear from an outsiders POV.

  • susanawalsh

    Keep me posted!

  • shellz0508

    So, I had two birthday parties this year and this guy Sean went to both of them.. one was in the town he lives in and the other one was in Orlando where I live currently its about a 45 minute drive.. Sean and I are friends with other mutual friends.. we have known each other for about 5 months.. I never had interest in him.. I just thought he was a really nice guy and a good friend.. when I saw him on Tuesday at the bar he was looking soo good and I was defenitly flirting with him and giving him compliments… we didn't hook up that night but we did hook up thursday after we got back from the club..before the club he complimented me on my dress.. we also danced all night at the club and I have never seen him dance before at the bar or anywhere.. it was shocking. Sean and I did hook up once in December but I wasn't interested in him so I never called him or anything. I don't know what has changed but I'm so into him now so I'm wondering.. do you think that he could potential like him as something more then a hookup or do you think I blew it and he just wants to get to the business. We were texting back and forth and I asked him if he likes me or just likes to hookup and he didn't even write back I really think that's a bad sign.. his homeboys always said he is really shy.. but I'm a straight forward person if I want to know something I ask and if someone asks me something I tell them the truth. I really don't want him to not tell me just to protect my feelings.. its not like I'm going to die.. what shuld I do next aabout this situation!Any and all advice would be great. Thank You!

  • susanawalsh

    Welcome, shellz0508, thanks for your question. I think it's great that you came right out and asked him what's up. It would have been better for you if that had been in person, so that you could have gotten a straight answer. His not answering that question was rude, and that does tell you something.

    I have no idea what's going on in his head. As a rule, I don't listen to what anyone's friends say about them – his say he is shy, but that really doesn't explain his not answering you. I'm not buying it.

    I know it's hard to wait and be patient, but you're going to have to see how this plays out. When you see him next, his attitude towards you should give you a strong sense of how he feels. If he's all about the hook up, then ask him again what he's thinking. You have a right to know what he feels before hooking up with him.

    If he is into it just for the sex, my advice is to steer clear of him. You've already caught feelings, and more hooking up is not going to help.

    If he likes you, he should be eager to let you know that, because he will care about your feelings and will not want you to feel insecure.

  • kaybaby1

    hiiii, i'm only fourteen & i think this guy likes me but idk. we hooked up today, (not sex) just making out and a HJ. i know i seem young but it just kida happened. after, we went back to his house and we just kinda cuddled & hung out. i met his parents and they LOVE me, but idk if he likes me as much as they do. he isn't all nice and stuff. i mean, he's a young kid, he kinda makes fun of me just to have fun & i go along with it. we've known each other for awhile but idk if he thinks i'm just a friend or what. i don't wanna tell him i like him, cause i'm scared he won't like me back or that it'll be awkward. how do i let him know i wanna keep seeing him & stuff without seeming clingy ?

  • susanawalsh

    Kaybaby1, my advice to you is not to be hooking up with someone who doesn't like you. You like him, and you have now hooked up with him, including getting into his pants. That is a very bad place for you to be if he is just going for sex. Indeed, at 14, that's not a good idea in any case. Of COURSE he wants to hang out again! For another HJ! He figures if he's lucky he'll get a BJ soon!

    If you want to know if he likes you, it's easy to find out. Hang out with zero sex. If he sticks around and enjoys your company without getting physical, he likes you. If he disappears, you have your answer.

    If you keep hooking up without knowing what he thinks, you are bound to get your feelings hurt.

  • kaybaby1

    thank you so much for that adivice. after i already posted that, we texted on the phone more. i asked him whether we're just hook ups or what. he told me “well, you're fun to hang out with, but whatever happens happens.” i don't know what he means by that. & i asked who he likes later on. he told me he kind of likes someone. he hasn't told me who yet, but i'm hoping it's me. how do i get him to like me ?

  • susanawalsh

    You can't get someone to like you, you can only be yourself. If he doesn't like you, it's best for you to just move on, because there will be another boy and you deserve someone who truly cares for you.

    “Whatever happens, happens” is what a boy says when he does not want to take responsibility. I would be careful here. Whatever you do, don't chase him. That NEVER works.

  • kaybaby1

    thank you for that. i have found out that he kinda still likes his ex. a few minutes ago he asked to hang out on saturday or friday. i told him i wouldn't do anything with him because he likes that girl. he hasn't replied yet, but are there any tips i can take as to how to make him chase me? also, what do you mean by he doesn't want to take responsibility ?

  • Alyson

    Well I happened to stumble across this site and noticed it's relativelly recent so I guess there's no harm in owning up to my walk of shame.

    This guy in my English class has been friendly with me since the beginning of the semester about 2 months ago. I friended him on Facebook when we had mutual friends and he IMs me whenever I'm online. A few days ago I asked him if he was going to a speaker in our lecture hall because I thought it was something he'd be into, and he said he hadn't planned on it, but offered to go with me. We had a great time, ended up talking in my room until like 5 am and he was really reluctant to leave, but nothing happened. Midnight the next night I came back from a night out with the girls and we were chatting online and he asked to borrow a movie I didn't have. I suggested he go rent one, he said he'd drank, I offered to drive…etc we spend the night driving, cuddling in his room, and eventually making out.

    Nothing too serious; no sex, and no clothes came off, but we both…enjoyed…ourselves?

    I woke up early because he was snoring and walked back to my room. He IMed me that night asking when I left, and I told him and asked if I should have woken him. He said “guess not” and we chatted like we used to.

    I'm so unsure what to do next. I'm new to this whole college thing; hook-ups are really common, right? Except he didn't try to have sex with me, even though he had been drinking (not much).

    I just got out of a year and a half relationship and am so out of my forte. It's been long enough though, that even if he never calls, I can confidently say I'm over my ex, which is good news. But, Susan, what do I do?

    In our awesome conversations, I've discovered he's been with more girls than I have guys, but never been serious with any, and has in his words never started things and let the girls do the work, but I'm not too keen on chasing boys. Are we in a stand-off of who asks first?

    (Great advice, btw, as a psych major and loving friend, I would have said many of the same things. I just gets complicated when you can't be objective, you know?)

  • susanawalsh

    kaybaby1, you don't want a boy to chase you unless he really likes you. And this guy has already said that he still likes his ex. It really doesn't sound like he's ready for anything real with a new girl.

    When I say he doesn't want to take responsibility, I'm referring to his saying, “whatever happens, happens.” Instead of saying, “This is what I want, so I will make it happen.” He wants to go with the flow, which is fine if you want the same thing. But you obviously like him, so that really is not such a sweet deal for you.

  • susanawalsh

    Hi Alyson, thanks for your question, I'll try to answer it as best I can.

    First of all, I love how slowly you guys have taken things. Obviously, this guy likes you and is willing to stick around and get to know you, he isn't all about sex. That's a great start, and it's much better than the opposite!

    It sounds like he was a little confused or hurt when he woke up and you had gone. He probably needed to know that you didn't just suddenly wake up and say EW! and run off. So chatting in your usual way was a good thing.

    I would say just let this happen organically. Just b/c he likes for girls to do the work (less risk, obvs) it doesn't mean you have to. Meeting him halfway should be fine — you asked about the lecture, he initiated the movie. I wouldn't do anything differently – just be sure and give him friendly attention to signal your continued interest and he will most likely do the same. He's bound to make another move soon.

    If he flakes for whatever reason, try not to take it personally. College guys are just as confused as girls are, and no one really knows exactly how to behave around hooking up or relationships.

    Keep me posted, but I would say just keep being your friendly and charming self!

  • Alyson

    Thanks for the kind words, but I got the most ironic speech. While I valued him for the joyous feeling of being over my ex, apparently he's not over his. I got the “I don't want to use you” spiel tonight. After the “Oh man, that night was so great” conversation.

    Kind of expected it was too good to be true. My ex has had 3 girlfriends since we broke up and I haven't even had a real date.

    Regardless, thank you very much for taking time to respond. It's greatly appreciated.

  • susanawalsh

    UGH THAT SUCKS! I'm sorry you had that experience, and I'm glad he was at least honest before sex. So often guys (including your ex, sounds like) head into as many hookups as possible after a breakup, and don't worry too much about how the women are feeling. I've actually heard guys refer to that as “collateral damage.” So FIDO (f**k it drive on). As for waiting for a real date – those are about as frequently cited as the wooly mastodon these days. Still, hang in there, you've got a lot of company, and I'm always here!

  • Alyson

    Only because I already started this thread, I have an update:

    So we talked Friday as he wanted to give me some stuff I loaned him, and it was awkward and got more comfortable as he told me about his ex (briefly) and we joked like we used to. We decided to watch a cheesy scary TV show together and began to wrestle and goof around and eventually he kissed me. Again. And I stop things and ask,
    “I thought you didn't like me…”
    “You don't like me, you were so angry…”
    “Well you blew me off! So what are we doing?”
    “I'm attracted to you…”
    “What about me?”
    “I'm still hung up on her.”
    “Me?”
    “You're alright; I don't really know you.”
    Ouch.

    So on the bright side, at least it wasn't a drunken haze. He was actually serious when he said it was about the ex-gf. I never would have guessed since that seems like such a cliche break-up line.

    I tried being friend outside his room a few days later so we could “get to know each other.” Didn't talk the whole drive, he texted the whole show but at least he laughed, and had about 30 seconds of normal conversation before he dropped me off outside our dorm without so much as a hug.

    So my series of silly hookups continues. Just thought maybe you'd laugh with me. And congratulate the fact I haven't lost my cuteness. I was concerned I was pretty sober.
    =]

  • susanawalsh

    Alyson, thanks for the update! Gaaaahhhh, boys are dumb. But yes, he was honest, and that is worth a lot. I always respect the guys who will pull the plug b/c they know they're not emotionally ready. Many guys would go for sex in order to get over the ex, and you'd just be collateral damage.

    So just take it as it comes. Be his friend, he sounds like he could be an OK friend. Draw boundaries where you think it's appropriate, and give him a little time. He's attracted to you, but still getting over a breakup, and that's fair.

  • kathryn101

    I agree with the ten list of things. But I'm reli confused and need advice… I met this guy and the following night we got drunk and had sex. then the following he came to my apartment just to hangout and we hooked up but sober. Now we hang out almost every day and he makes corny reasons to kiss me. He says he doesnt want a relationship. But he'll take me out to dinner and pay. And he talks to me all the time. I dont know whats going on.

  • susanawalsh

    Hi Kathryn, thanks for your question! It's hard to know exactly what this guy is thinking but here are the two possibilities as I see them:

    1. He's really just in it for the sex, but is willing to spend time together, hang out, etc. instead of straight FWB. In other words, he wants something casual and friendly, but is giving you notice up front that he will not become your bf.

    2. He doesn't like the idea of a relationship, but finds himself extremely attracted to you and enjoys your company. He likes you, so he keeps seeking you out, waiting to see how things will play out.

    The problem is that in both scenarios he doesn't want a relationship, and he doesn't want to want a relationship. I know girls hate to initiate the talk, but you have got to ask him straight out what the deal is. If you're falling for him, you need to know now if this has potential or is a dead end. Women can never really understand how a guy could do all of these things and feel NO emotional investment, but it happens all the time. You deserve to know this from a guy you're having sex with, but he'll never bring it up. At least, guys rarely do.

  • Kiki

    Im hooking up with this guy( kissing only), I knew he liked me but i never gave him a chance because i tried to keep the friend boundaries. He has always been so sweet to me, and one time it just happened we hooked up. I find myself wanting to spend time with him, and i guess I would call him a ” fake bf” since we always spend time together and recently always hook up. I know he wants to be with me as he has told me before, he wants a real relationship. I do enjoy spending time with him, I am not using him or anything and I am not hooking up with anyone else either. Its just I am still in High school and i have other priorities right now. He is a sweet guy, and I have told him before that I do not want to be his girl becz i am still in h.s and have other responsibilities. I feel horrible because I know he really likes me, I think I cant see us taking it to another level because he is a different nationality/religion than i am. I know that shouldnt matter, but I am very into my culture and religious so i feel there is a gap between us. We will never connect on that level because we have different interests and values. I want to be with someone who is the same nationality as me. But i dont think I could ever tell him that to his face because I know it would hurt him.

    I dont know if i should end it? Afterall I have told him since the begining that I do not want a relationship, and I dont want him to get hurt. I dont see this ending on good terms, that may be whats holding me back from ending this.. knowing we wont be the same.

    advice? And I just want to say This site is so great, I want to be a psych major so I can help and get inside other peoples heads, its just impossible to get inside my own! hehe, but I am usually great at making the right decisions, its the first time i just dont know what to do!

    Thanks
    Kiki

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/susanawalsh susanawalsh

      Kiki, sorry! I'm so glad you reminded me! I do try and answer every single comment, and this one slipped through the cracks, I'm not sure how. It happens sometimes, and it's not personal! So let me get to your question.

      It sounds like you like this guy and are attracted to him, but you're not ready for a serious relationship. In addition, his being from a totally different background has you concerned. I would say listen to your gut instinct here. Both girls and guys are often hesitant to date outside their religion, and it's not surprising. They prefer to share their culture with their partner, and there's also the worry of parents disapproving.

      You don't sound confused about your feelings for him, only about the best way to handle it. You know that you don't want things to go further, so I think it is only fair that you tell him, even though you know it will hurt him. It is much kinder to tell him now and let him move on. I would definitely stop hooking up with him – that can only increase his emotional attachment and make it harder for him later. Don't even flirt!

      If you handle this honestly and with compassion, there's a good chance the two of you can be friends in time. Although he may initially be hurt when you tell him that it's important for you to date within your own religion, he will come to see that this is not personal.

  • Melanie

    My question is under the same vein as Alyson's.

    I recently hooked with an old friend of mine; we met 5 years ago and have never lived in the same city, but hang out whenever opportunity arose (eg, once a year). Emailed in spurts, occasionally, and at Christmas '09 went to a movie and drove around for a few hours, he later subtly implied he regretted not trying something. We've never been romantic up until this point.

    We're now going to the same college a few years apart and have texted a few times; he came when I asked him last minute to a concert of mine, and we were going to watch movies at his place when I got an emergency. Then two days ago I Facebooked him about hanging out during spring break, and he told me to text him. We made plans, stuck to them; hung out with his roommates and played video games but when we watched a movie he pet my hair and held my had, etc, the cuteness. And we ended upstairs in his room and yes, alcohol was involved, although he assured it wasn't relevant. And I told him I couldn't be a one night stand, and he was fine with it and we fell asleep after fooling around, and he set an alarm for us so I could get to my class the next day.

    Well I woke up early and bolted.

    I guess I was just unsure how to behave in the morning, so I called and left a voicemail two days later saying thanks for having me and sorry for leaving without waking him, but didn't want to bother him.

    Maybe it's just that I've crushed on this boy since I was thirteen, but is there a chance something is finally coming together for us or was I just opportune? I realized I invited him to all three of the most recent get togethers, but he was more than enthusiastic to comply and extend, and was the one who cuddled and kissed me. And I want to assume he's not into me because he's not calling but he's just not a techie guy. He takes hours to respond to text messages because he never checks his phone, he updates Facebook like twice a month, and I have never actually caught him on the phone, though he's been good about calling back. Just never calling first.

    So should I be expecting his behavior to change now that our dynamic has or am I just getting my hopes up?

    Thanks! hopefully you have some insightful advice for me as you do all these other lucky/unlucky ladies in love.
    ~~Mel

  • susanawalsh

    Of course there's a chance that something is finally happening for you two! Having said that, his behavior could reflect that he is really into you, or it could reflect that he's just having a little fun.

    I don't accept the idea that he's not calling b/c he's not techie. If he wants to reach you, he will find a way, it really isn't that difficult. All you can do for now is stop being the one to initiate contact. It's confusing you, because you don't know if he's into it. The only way to learn that is let him do the pursuing. If he flakes, you will have at least gotten the message early and will not waste any more time.

    I know your hopes are up, but you can't control this. Take a deep breath and be patient. I think you'll have a clearer idea soon.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/moulinshadows moulinshadows

    Hello! First off, I wanted to say that I loved your advice-it's really insightful. Excellent job. Now, I know that you have been answering about alot of different situations, so I suppose I will ask about mine too (as brief as possible ;] )
    I met a guy in one of my college classes. He approached me, made small talk, asked for my number and proceeded to ask me out the same night. He had just gotten out of a long term relationship and so had I, but I decided to hang out with him a few days later anyways. We talked for awhile, and then over the course of the next few weeks starting hanging out more and more. He introduced me to his friends, and I'm always over his house. The thing is we made out and such, but he did not try to have sex with me. He never did the times we were alone. What is confusing me is the fact that his friends always tease him about his past girlfriends whenever I walk into the house, or tease him that he hooked up with another girl. When they accuse him of hooking up with another girl he explains to me that thats not what happened, that he didnt do that. Why does he care what I think?

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/moulinshadows moulinshadows

    I mean, I spend alot of time with this guy, but now he's not even kissing me anymore. He flirts with other girls in front of me but doesn't like it when I hang out with other guys? He told me in the beginning he just wanted to be friends, but he never introduces me as such, and now seems to be getting into arguments with me or getting annoyed with me. I don't understand, was he/is he using me? Thank you so much!

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/susanawalsh susanawalsh

      Hi moulinshadows, thanks for your question. It sounds like you are getting a lot of mixed signals from this guy.

      1. A guy who asks for your number and asks you out the same night is displaying strong interest, unless he makes it clear it's "just friends."
      2. You hung out for a few weeks, and made out but he didn't try for sex. This strikes me as a good thing. It sounds like the attraction is there but he was taking it slow on the sex. Since you both recently ended relationships, this seems sensible.
      3. It's odd that his friends tease him about hooking up with girls and he denies it. It is interesting that he explains himself to you. I don't know what to make of that.
      4. He has stopped kissing you, and flirts with other girls in front of you. This sounds like he has definitely put you in the friend box.
      5. He told you in the beginning he just wanted to be friends? That wasn't the impression I got from your description! And not liking your hanging out with other guys? That's inconsistent.

      He can't be using you if he isn't trying to get sex. It's very hard to know what is going on in his mind, and you also don't really say what you want. I would decide first if you like him and want more with him. If so, make a move or let him know. Or just ask him what the deal is. Like I said, this guy is giving a lot of mixed signals – it's impossible to say what he wants with the information here.

  • moulinshadows

    Thanks for you quick reply! yes, I don't really understand myself. I mean he invited me to meet his friends, have dinner, invite me to work on a project together (which we spent nearly the entire day together) (and did not introduce me as his friend when meeting his friends) and wanted to/met my friends so I dont quite understand. He did break up recently with an ex, and so did I (both of us were in long term ones) but I feel as though he doesnt want to get close to anyone in a sense. I don't understand either, I mean he took the time to explain to me that he didnt hook up with certain girls, but when he found out I got asked out by someone else, he didnt believe me and said its not like he cares. I've seen the way he looks at me, but I dont understand? Why would anyone do this? If he is into hook ups, and has done so in the past, why am I any different? Thank you again

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/susanawalsh susanawalsh

      Well, he might think you are not a girl for a "one and done" hookup. Certainly, he hasn't tried to go for quick sex. But it also is clear that he's not ready for another relationship. He may find you attractive or even like you but feels the timing is not right.

  • moulinshadows

    and the girls he flirts with he tells me that they are just his friends or are his friends girlfriends. He said that before he even met me he wanted to be single for awhile. we started hanging out, then thats when he started making out with me. then he said he just wanted to be friends. but then he spends all this time with me and makes out with me but doesnt try to have sex? When I say I've seen how he looks at me I mean I see longing, like he wants to get closer but something is holding him back. But he can go out with other girls. I am really really confused. And to answer your question I do like this guy. We share alot of the same interests, but I don't quite understand his angle or what he wants. I'm not even sure he knows. All I know is he wants to spend alot of time with me one minute, then the next he takes alot of space. I go over his house around once a week and we see each other throughout the week, but I just dont understand his intentions with me.

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/susanawalsh susanawalsh

      I think that in the absence of clear signs of interest from him you have two choices:

      1. You can go with platonic friendship for now, stop kissing and encouraging him in any way.

      2. If you feel very strongly about him, it might be better to cool it for a while – not hang out so much, and pursue the friendship when you're really over him.

      Your statement that you're not even sure he knows what he wants is a telling one – it sounds like he does have mixed feelings. But that doesn't work so well for you – maybe he'll come around later, but for now I would definitely let it go.

  • brittney

    I need advice! I am currently hooking up with my ex boss! I quit when we started hooking up! We have been hooking up for about a month now. But he knows and has known that I have way mmore feleings for him! He’s socially awkard with people he does not know! But he recently told me that he does not really like sex. He is 29 and I am 20. He won’t give me straight answers, which if he was a normal guy I would know what that meant but he is not normal! Please help me!

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/susanawalsh susanawalsh

      Brittney, there are a couple of things here that worry me. First, you quit your job to hook up with your boss? That is a HUGE sacrifice to make, a commitment really, when it doesn't sound like he was ready to reciprocate.

      Second, there is something very strange about a guy who does not like sex. I'm sorry, but nothing good whatsoever can come of that.

      Third, 9 years is a huge age difference at your age.

      Fourth, this guy won't give you straight answers? That suggests you ask him directly what's going on and he is evasive. This is a terrible sign.

      My advice: Stop hooking up with him right now. I see NOTHING good coming from him. Honestly, you deserve a man who will be honest and straightforward, commit to you, enjoy sex and be willing to express love. This guy is zero for four.

  • TerraSini

    Am enjoying your comments/articles Susana – THANK YOU for sharing them!
    it's my second visit within 6 months and now I actually feel compelled to ask a question / request advice since I find myself rather perplexed by this man's behavior.
    About 8 months ago I started working (non-official capacity) in a law enforcement agency in a large metro area which I enjoyed immensely.
    About 2.5 months ago I was told by a man who also works there and who has been friendly, kind and very helpful to me whenever I had asked for help, that he actually has been very attracted to me ever since he met me. Hm, big surprise for me, he surely kept this a federal secret, but then again, LEO's are trained to contain/conceal their feelings/emotions. And apparently he 'endured' lots of friendly male banter once the others realized he had a fancy for me…. of which I was rather oblivious, strangely to admit. Never believed I'd be such a clueless twit.
    We started to go out together; I started to like/notice him around mid December due to some heart-quality he showed to me and I was deeply moved by that way of BEING.
    We enjoyed our outings…. – when we finally got together for those outings.
    Fun hugs and kisses and slowly getting a feel for each other. Great chemistry, me thinks.
    We both are divorced, single. His teenage kid sometimes lives with him, sometimes w/ the ex.
    I live on my own for many years.
    We both seem to have similar hic-ups and can laugh about it. And share many similar views on how to be in a relationship (with lots of breathing space but w/ loyalty)
    What irks me were instances of when we agreed on an outing, but he did not show nor canceled nor called.
    That conduct is not okay, and I was stunned and it felt horrible. The reason he had was a good one (major crisis between the ex and the teenager and he negotiating or whatnot; so the teen is back living with him).
    There seems to be quite some deranged behavior of others in his hinterland that perturbs me.
    How much does he give power to those people and how much could the impact be of derailing what is growing between us?
    I need to have a sense of a man being actually thrilled about being with me and SHOWS it.
    Words are fine and well, but charm alone does not carry enough weight.
    When we are together, he's very attentive, kind and we have a lovely time … and then there is the gap-land of: anybody there???
    Luckily I don't have anymore my center of gravity wrapped around the action or non-action of a man, but still, can't get a clear sense of this one here.
    I must add that I was not born nor raised here, English is my 4. language, and many so called 'dating rituals' here are to me most peculiar, to say it kindly. American men often confuse the heck out of me, but I can't see myself taking intercontinental flights just so I have a lovely relationship with a suitable man.
    So, what's a girl to do?
    I am perfectly happy to be slow, but that sense of standstill at times (or is it still stand?) leaves me puzzled.
    But maybe I am missing some cultural nuances yet again.
    Help!!!
    He once shared with me that he feels I'm quite a good match for me (because just before he discovered that I like to do some outdoor excursion that he enjoys very much too but has never found a woman who shared that passion) … but also that it feels so intense for him being with me that he tries to slow it by not seeing me.
    Which to me makes as much sense like saying: "Gee, I really like strawberries, so lets not eat them for another 6 months."
    He's of course – so he seems – quite mortified about what has happened (him not showing up, nor calling). Feels embarrassed etc. But him feeling 'bad' per se does not do good to anyone.
    I wonder what would it take for a man to NOT call in a situation like this?
    To me it's inconceivable.
    And where I grew up, that actually never happened. I have always known men to do what they say.
    At least the men I have been with. When you say something, you do it. Period. Otherwise: it's not even said.
    That somehow is not common place here.
    See my predicament.
    As you might have guessed, I am beyond early college years, (we both are in our mid-40's) – but as far as catching onto to american mannerism between men/women, I am a bloody virgin. No pun intended.

    Am not asking you to glance into the crystal bowl, but perhaps some enlightening words on how to glean some sense from this behaviour???
    I believe right now he's off cross-country somehow…. a parent very sick.
    Really seems we met during one of his diciest times, & I am not inclined to berate or have a tantrum, I just like to be able to draw some conclusions/assessments and then see what feels right and how to proceed.
    thank you!

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/susanawalsh susanawalsh

      Hi TerraSini, thanks for sharing your story, I'll do my best. First, let me say that you are thinking about this in exactly the right way. You are concerned about things that you should be concerned about, and that is good, because you are unlikely to spend much time with a man who cannot deliver what you want.

      There are a few red flags I see:

      1. His statement that he tries to slow down his feelings for you by not seeing you tells me that he does not want a committed relationship. He pulls away whenever things start feeling close. This is unfair to you if you would rather move forward! And it puts you on a roller coaster, under his control, which is no way to have a relationship.

      2. His failure to call when he had an emergency is inexcusable. Period. Yes, American men can be inconsiderate, and your response should be to tell him that is not acceptable, and that he may never do it again. If he does, you will not see him anymore. He will treat you as well as you demand that he treats you. Don't let him get away with disrespectful behavior.

      3. The deranged ex situation is always bad news. If there's continuing drama there, you do not want to play a role. If he is still involved there, it puts you in a position of having to compete with another woman for his attention, and that is unfair to you. He needs to make you a priority, and if he can't do that, he is not ready for a new relationship.

      It may just be a case of bad timing, in which case you might choose to generally slow things down and keep things friendly but not sexual. You are definitely right to be concerned, though. I wish you all the best with this man!

      • Sini

        BRILLIANT!
        Thank you kindly for taking the time to reply – and spot on!
        (i.e. nothing 'beats' a good dose of simple but valued common sense. it resonates deeply.)

        But what even feels better than that is the sense finally being able to trust my choices with men.
        Yes, I like him very much; but I like me more.

        And that's not being haughty, but I finally have gotten to the point that I don't feel I need to compromise with crumbs because I feel that crumbs are better than the absolute 'nothing'.

        Plus I have learned to sometimes just let things sort themselves out: i.e. having the strength of not needing to meddle, or pull on anyone's sleeves, trying to push the river.
        I have learned to not-call, not-text, not-initiate.
        Patience is not coming easy to me at all in this matter … I liked to charge ahead, to get on with it … but in that rush I have not paused enough to see them fed flags!
        (there are always popping up and being waved … I just did not want to acknowledge them/ see them)

        I am learning to trust that the actions of people, especially men here it seems, will speak louder than any fluff-chats and fluff guys will reveal themselves without fail based on their actions.

        and your words have helped me to reinforce within me this path of healthy ways of being in a relationship. Evolution does indeed happen :-)

        I am so happy that you are sharing all this with many women / men who are stopping by this website. Thank you for your generosity.

        What I've like about your comments – the ones I've read this far – that they are not 'formula responses'. (to which I would react somewhat allergic).
        Cookie-cuter approaches have no place with intricate and tender venues of ones heart or even lust.

        And I have also learned not needing to slam or berate the 'other' when things are not working out the way it feels right or healthy. It's up to me to walk away and let the other be the way they are.
        Sometimes we both don't get what we want …. and that has to be alright as well.
        Things don't always work out.

        And even those this chap was the one pursuing and all that, is fabulously single, dashing, etc …
        it does not mean that this is enough for me to simply close my eyes and say: do as you please!
        I love to yield to a man, but I am now so much more discriminating to whom I would yield.
        And that is not (as this Rxxxx poster on some other tread on this site) me refusing or denying something against a man, but it is FOR me…. something I do FOR me.

        (btw … the Rxxx seems to suffer from a serious case of Testosterone poisoning. Frightfully so! hope he gets the proper help AND a sincere look withIN himself)

        I am learning that there is some …. what I would call … feminine dignity.
        And some things, behaviour or words are simply not okay to do or to say. (at least not when expecting me to remain in the same room/conversation/relationship).
        but that, I suppose, everyone has to gauge or find themselves what that means to them.
        I for one can't stomach porn. I might be called repressed, but I'd rather be repressed than degraded.
        And what other women are willing to do, to condone or participate in can not be my guiding line in such a deeply personal and private matter.

        anyway, I am getting off me soapbox now.

        But still thanking you very much for the prompt reply.
        And if I may, I perhaps even post an up-date in the future if there are further developments.
        I do like him, but if there are not some other flavours coming through from him whenever he gets back to town, I will just keep liking him from a distance, and keeping it friendly, as you said!
        he is caring and has demonstrated it, but I would need him actually to SHOW UP.
        I don't need a man to be alone, I can do that on my own!

        ah, I love this freedom of not having my center of gravity evolve around the action or non-action of a man.
        this is a new sense of freedom in my life and I am truly thrilled!

        Thanks for listening. And thank you for your good wishes too!!!

        Sini

        • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/susanawalsh susanawalsh

          Sini, you show a lot of wisdom here! I know you are going to be fine. Please do check back in anytime and keep me updated! xoxo

  • madlyinaction

    This was hard for me to read considering the guy I've been pining over falls under the majority of those signs, but I still feel slightly played. I met this guy (we'll call him Boy A) 7 years ago at a summer camp.
    One day I'm gushing to a coworker about Boy A, this guy that I've been in love with since I was 13 and as I'm telling her about it he chats me on Facebook. The stars aligned. I figure I have nothing to lose, I was newly single at this point, so I ask him if he wants to hang out and catch up. I guess I didn't know what I was signing up for, because it became very obvious that he came over to have sex, which we did. And it was fine. I didn't feel guilty about it, I actually felt kind of relieved. I finally felt like I had him out of my system.

    Not long after that, I got another boyfriend. Boy A and I talked a few times, and my boyfriend and I even ran into him at a concert once. It was very friendly and sociable. My boyfriend and I weren't together for very long. Two days after we broke up, Boy A chats me up inquiring about my recent single status and makes plans to hang out with me the next day. I pushed it to later that week. He wanted to sleep with me, but it was the wrong time of the month, but he said he was okay with just kissing and cuddling. So we did, and we had a really nice conversation. I went over there the next week, and we ended up sleeping together. This turned into a biweekly thing for about two months. We'd even gone on a few dates/hung out with friends on a few occasions during that time, and he would put his arm around me, kiss my head, and treat me like I was his. He told me he liked me, and everything was fine. I told him I liked him, and it blew up in my face. He told me he just wanted to be single, he told me I deserved better. But we continued to sleep together, and I guess I can't blame him because I okayed it. New Year's Eve rolls around and we spend it together, he kisses me at midnight, then tells me his resolution is to be celibate for awhile, but he invites me to stay the night (which I declined due to work in the morning). His reason for being celibate was he felt like he was neglecting his friends among other things. I respected that; more power to him. I didn't know what this meant for our "relationship," though. I thought we'd still hang out. I was wrong. He basically dropped me from his life. In February, he got a girlfriend and I was pissed. He was always so adamant about being single. And I just felt like it's not that he didn't want a girlfriend, he just didn't want ME as his girlfriend and it's just so hard to wrap your head around something like that. Their relationship didn't last long at all, just a few weeks really. I talked to him two or three times and he was still keeping up with his celibacy.

    Then, last week, he chats me on Facebook. He tells me about how his ex girlfriend took advantage of him on St. Patrick's Day while he was under the influence of several different intoxicants. He said he might give up his celibacy because he felt like she tainted it and he wanted to feel like he was in control of his own body. This conversation went late into the night, until he finally asked if it would be absurd to come over. I said no. He came over. We all know where that went. We've talked almost every day since then. I went out of town on Sunday, otherwise I think he probably would have tried to see me again.

    I know how awful this appears. And I know how much it seems like he just came to me because he knew I'd say yes, and I feel like shit about that. It's kind of hard for me to accept, though, because of the way he treats me when we're together. He's always genuinely interested in what I have to say, what my plans are for the day, week, whatever, who I'm talking to, if any boys are pursuing me, etc. I don't know if I should feel like shit because he turned to me as soon as he started having sex again, or flattered. Because it really could go either way. And his words and his actions don't match up (ie I want to be single, but I'm going to treat you like my girlfriend).

    I'm okay with keeping things casual, a really serious relationship doesn't sound too appealing to me either at this point in my life, but I think I'm due at least the respect of exclusivity. What are your thoughts?

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/susanawalsh susanawalsh

    Hmmmm, madlyinaction, I don't think you are going to like my thoughts. The biggest warning sign here is that he had a sexual relationship with you, backed away from committing, and then got a girlfriend the next month. It doesn't matter that it didn't last with her – the point is that he would not make that commitment to you.

    So what's changed? You already know he will commit to someone he is really into, so if he won't by your boyfriend, then…..It may seem like he is being attentive, but really, how hard is it to be attentive in conversation? Asking about your plans, who you're talking to, what boys like you, etc. might be just making sure he's going to keep getting no-strings sex.

    If you really like this guy, I would stop having sex with him immediately. Tell him what you want from him. If he is not willing to give it, you walk. Right now he has all the control in the relationship, and you hit the nail on the head – he is not respecting you.

  • madlyinaction

    I figured as much, which is what I was afraid of. It's gotten to the point where it's just so hard to say no. But I realize I'm letting him do this to me, so it's up to me to stand up for myself. Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it. It's kind of what I've always known, but didn't want to accept. Now it's just getting up the guts to talk to him about it…

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/susanawalsh susanawalsh

      I know it's hard, but believe me – whichever way it goes you will feel a huge relief afterwards. Good luck.

  • bruiseonherego

    i need advice ! so about a month and a half ago i met this kid at work who is honestly my perfect match.. he also happens to be my bosses son. at first he said that he wasnt looking for a relationship. we text constantly, talk on the phone sometimes. i've been to his house and he's been to mine. he takes me out with all of his friends and mine come too. the problem is idk if he wants a relationship. one night we were making out and i got scared that he might think this is just a hook up. when i asked him if we were on the same page he said he likes me alot and not to worry about anything. he said he hasnt fallen for anyone this fast and everything about me seems right. he also spent his birthday with me instead of going out w friends. but he keeps hinting around that he wants to do intimate stuff this weekend…. please help!!

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/susanawalsh susanawalsh

      Hi bruiseonherego, welcome! Thanks for leaving a comment. I'm not sure of your age here – I'm guessing still in high school. I'm not seeing any red flags here. Sounds like this guy likes you a lot. Guys always say they aren't looking for a relationship at that age, and it's hard to know what to think. I always say take them at their word. In other words, don't move forward without him signaling a change of heart. "Don't worry about anything" is not sufficient reassurance. My advice is to not do anything too intimate until you know where you stand. Ask him outright, and don't do anything that feels risky. Sex should never feel risky. I can tell that you're really into him – I hope it's mutual!

  • nicole

    so i'm falling for my hookup and i'm sure if he's falling for me. we've been friends for about a year and just started hooking up a few months ago, it's not awkward at all and i'm incredibly comfortable with him which is a rare thing for me. one week we'll be at a party and he'll show interest in me, talk to me a lot, have his arm around me infront of everyone, ask me to stay over. then other weeks it'll seem like nothing's happened between us and i'm just another kid at the party. he asked me to go to a concert with him next week that's out of state, said that i should come and there's room in his car for me. i bought a ticket but i'm still so confused, my mind's been going crazy thinking about this whole situation. maybe he likes me but doesn't want a relationship right now or maybe he's hooking up with other girls, though i haven't seen him acting interested in other people. he's so genuine when we're together and i love it, idk what to do about it all.

  • nicole

    i meant not sure if he's falling for me* haha i wish i was sure that he was

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/susanawalsh susanawalsh

      Nicole, it sounds like the two of you are close, and there's a lot of good stuff happening between you, but you're not sure where you stand. His behavior has been unpredictable – and maybe he feels that you are hard to read too. There is only one solution: you have to lay it on the line. You don't have to say, I'm crazy about you, head over heels, but you do need to say, "Hey, I want to know what you're thinking/feeling about this, because it's been on my mind." You definitely need to know if he's hooking up with others girls, especially if you are having sex. Guys will almost never initiate THE TALK. Women have to do it. I know you dread it, but believe me, it is the only way forward. You need to know NOW what is going on in this kid's mind. Good luck. xoxo

  • Jenna

    K, I have been hanging out with this guy for about a month now. We knew of eachother in school but never really talked then. I just rescently went through a divorce and I told him that I didn’t want any kind of relationship yet cause I’m not emotionally ready. He said that when he finds out if a sex buddy is falling for him that he cuts the sex off and concentrates on being friends. But alas I am falling for him, I am so confused about him though. He is always texting me, he tells me that he misses me through out the day, has a nickname for me, he comes over after he is done with work, picks me up from work sometimes, has introduced me to his daughter and close friends which he considers family. I have asked him before if he has done this with any of his other sex buddies and he says that he has, but yet when we went over to his friends house they said it was nice to see him with a girl for a change. I say I’m confused cause sometimes all he wants to do is talk about sex. Hmmm….any idea of what might be going through his head would be great! :)

  • Jenna

    Oh and I forget to say that he also designated Tuesdays as our movie night….see what I mean? Just so confusing…

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      Hi Jenna, thanks for commenting! Honestly, it’s impossible for to know what is going on in his mind, and it sounds like he doesn’t know how you’re feeling either. If he found out that you have developed feelings for him, and he cut off the sex, that would be a blessing, because it would prevent further heartbreak for you. If he didn’t want to cut off the sex because he also has feelings, that would be wonderful. You won’t know until you ask him.

      I am concerned that you just went through a divorce, have said within the last month that you are not emotionally ready for a relationship, and now have fallen for him. Think carefully about what you really need here. Also think about whether you are capable of being anyone’s sex buddy without developing feelings – most women aren’t.

      Talk to him, lay it on the line. It’s time.

  • Angie Collins

    Im a sophomore in highschool and I recently moved to a very small town during first semester. When I walked into one of my classes I glanced around and noticed several guys and a few of the girls that I would spend the rest of the year with. All of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I notice this guy. He looked over at me and smiled the cutest smile ever. Well it turns out that the guy is good friends with a member of my family and they were talking about me one day. When he was asked if he liked me he juss brushed it off and tried to change the subject. We have the same lunch and he will sit and stare at me and he goes out of his way to bump into me in the hallway. When we are in class he will do things to get my attention and I will catch him staring at me out of the corner of his eye. We dont talk much but when we do its just simple stuff. I met someone else and was in a realtionship for a few months and he didnt talk to me much during that time. He is an upper classmen and has been heartbroken by a girl that he was with for a few years so I dont know if he likes me or if he is trying to play me. All of my friends keep trying to get to be at the same place at the same time like at parties or on the vacation that we are all planning this summer and it makes me wonder if they know something I dont. When I talked to a guy that was a friend of both of ours he said he would talk to him about and see what he said. Later that I asked my friend what was said and he told me that he changed the subject just the way he did when he talked about me before. So now with the year almost at an end and him being a senior I dont know what to do. He has never said if he likes me or not and I cant figure it out. What do you think?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Angie Collins: Hi Angie, thanks for commenting! First of all, it’s clear that this guy is attracted to you. He watches you all the time and goes out of his way to bump into you. On the other hand, he has never made a move or admitted this attraction, even to his friends. He’s definitely not playing you – he’s not doing anything! Given that he’s a senior, it seems unlikely that anything will happen now. If he does make a move, be careful that he isn’t just going for a one-time thing. He may be shy, he may be wary because he was hurt once, or he may not want to get involved with someone when he knows he is leaving. There’s no harm in flirting and having fun, but I’d be careful not to get attached to this guy.

  • Jo

    Ok, I’ve got one for you. What about a guy who is continually after you, even though you’ve ignored him, given him the cold shoulder, and even acted very obviously negative towards his advances? I’ve been being chased by this guy I know, for a couple years now, and although, at first, I liked him, after a few months, decided that he was not for me, and short of telling him bluntly, “give it up, I’m not interested”, I’ve dropped every subtle– and obvious– hint that I can think of. I would’ve thought that the cold-shoulder and just plain ignoring him would be enough, but he does not give up his pursuit. Now, to be fair, over time, I have realized that I have sent him some unconscious signals that have apparently led him to believe that I am interested– that’s my fault, because even though I know he’s not right for me, I am still physically attracted to him; but like I said, I have been ignoring him for quite some time now, and he will not give up. I am too much of a chicken to tell him flat-out to stop chasing me, because he is rather sensitive to criticism. How can I let him down, gently, but clearly? HELP!!!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      Jo, it sounds like you are sending mixed messages. You give hints that say no, but something about your manner or body language says YES! The only answer is for you to tell him clearly that you don’t think the two of you would be good together. You don’t have to say you are not attracted, just that you have decided it’s not a good idea to pursue it. That way you don’t hurt his feelings, but take responsibility for it not being a good match. Obviously, he hasn’t gotten the message so far, so you’re going to have to be direct.

      • Jo

        Ouch. Ok, I understand what you’re saying, Susan, thank you for your help:) I usually am direct with people, but find it extremely difficult to be direct with him; partly because of my attraction to him, but also partly because he’s very sensitive and gets his feelings hurt easily. Otherwise, I’d have told him a long time ago. Thanks, again, for responding and for the tactful method that you suggested. I hope that it works. It might be awhile before I have a chance to do it, so keep your fingers crossed, lol. J/K, just send some XXX’s my way; those can stay up here a lot longer than your fingers, haha!

        • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

          OK, XXX’s it is. Keep us posted! BTW, just a thought. Are you sure he is not relationship material?

        • Jo

          Thanks Susan:) I am positive he’s not, but just out of curiosity– tsk, tsk, lol– why do you ask?

        • ale

          Then why did you hook up then? Whats your definition of being chased? And I think Susan is right and deep down you probably do want a relationship. Whats the worst that could happen? Sound’s like you live a planned out life perhaps that’s the reason you are writing to a post. Not everything has to be perfect.

        • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

          Well, I don’t know anything about him, obviously, but he is persistent. I don’t hear often from women that guys have been pursuing for two years. At least he’s consistent.

        • Jo

          Susan: There are several reasons why he is not relationship material, but the main one is, that he is married. Now, he was not married at the time he first began pursuing me- he broke up w/ his now wife, for a time, in order to do it, but then, a few months later, decided to marry her because he accidentally knocked her up.
          To Ale: We never actually “hooked-up”, and thank God for that. God knows the regrets that I’d be living with if that had happened.
          Yes, you are right, Susan. And I’ve even have a very close, well-trusted and well-seasoned guy friend tell me that a man will not pursue a woman for more than a few short months if he is not genuinely interested. And yes, I WAS very interested in having a relationship with him- until he got married, obviously. So, that’s why. But, I guess I just can’t seem to get a handle on the unconscious signals that I’m sending him. I really don’t mean to, because I am dead-set on not pursuing him or accepting his advances- and he is, despite his circumstances, dead-set on continuing to pursue me! It’s VERY frustrating…

        • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

          OMG! I never even dreamed it was something like that. Seriously, Jo? Who cares if he is easily hurt? Tell him to get lost! I know you’ll miss the attention, it’s flattering, but as long as you are attracted to him and in touch, you’re making yourself emotionally unavailable to some guy who is single!

  • Jo

    Unfortunately, I care- too much, apparently, haha. But yes, You are right, Susan, I should tell him to get lost. Like I had said before, I’m a big chicken. XXX- here’s hoping that I grow some balls, lol:)

  • Nicole

    Hey Susan, I know you’re not a psychic or anything but basically I really need an opinion, severely!

    So I’ve been at my job for about a year and a half now… when I first started housekeeping at a hotel (which was March of 2009) there was a front desk gentleman who I found very, very attractive. The first day I met him there, he kept staring at me in an infatuated way, which was weird I thought. He asked if I was taking classes and said maybe he’ll see me around campus. Later on I found out he had a girlfriend, and had been with her for almost 6 years. So from the day I started to about the end of february of the following year, we didn’t really talk outside of work. But all that time he was more than obviously staring at me in a way that suggested he found me attractive. He never acted upon it though. Good boy! ‘Cause he stayed faithful. Anyway, come around March, his girlfriend had cheated on him with some douche. He forgave her and they tried it again but she wanted to keep seeing the other guy, so they broke up. I’m not sure who did the breaking up. He was an absolute wreck after that night they officially ended things. I got to see him crying at work, it made me so sad. So I told him if he ever needed to talk, to give me a call or text me and I’m an open ear. I meant it truly just to be a friend. About a week later he takes advantage of my offer. He took me to a movie, and ever since March we’ve been talking nearly every single day. Still, and it’s August. About two weeks into everything since we started hanging out, I was an idiot and slept with him after a party. We were sober. The next day he told me he didn’t want a relationship and wasn’t ready for one yet. It hurt, I felt used and thought he was going to avoid me. But no… the next night he bought me flowers. It was so sweet, and from then on we have hung out so very often. He has introduced me to every friend, and took me out to several dinners. When we’re alone (and only alone, not in public) he is so affectionate. He’ll kiss my forehead, carress my hair, hold my hand, kiss me, etc… and there’s the sexual parts too… but anyway, we’ve been real close since that very first day he called me.

    He gets jealous whenever I text someone or someone texts me. Let alone call. He says comments like “Who’s that, your boyfriend?” When I say yes (jokingly) he looks so very disappointed. In a sad way, not “damn, there goes my piece of ass” kinda way. When I say just kidding, he smiles big and all is happy-dandy.

    He lets comments slip, and it goes a little like this: Me: “Hey remember that movie Avatar we went to and loved?” Him: “No, that must have been with your OTHER boyfriend.” Then he automatically corrects himself with: “I mean, another guy.” Then he resumes to look embarrassed. Why would he think of himself as my boyfriend? is it wishful thinking or simple mistake?

    He rarely goes long without having to text me. It’s like he always has to know where I am and what I’m doing. It’s like he misses me. Once he went away for a few days and told me he missed me.

    He always wants me to hang out with him. We do a lot together. We cook together, take walks, go to parties together, etc.

    Which reminds me… every time we’re at a party, the WHOLE night his eyes are on me, and they oddly appear as if they’re smiling. He has an expression I cannot dare pin. It’s a very positive look, though. Like there’s no one in the room but me, and after the party is over we usually, shamefully I’ll say it, end up sleeping together. I usually spend the night when it’s late like that. And he tells me he kinda likes sleeping together. Though I mean literally, not sexually. Like actually sleeping side by side.

    He always has to touch me. It’s like he can’t keep his hands off of me, and it’s so confusing. He still says he doesn’t want anything serious. And it’s stirring up quite the frustration bug inside of me. Part of me feels he’s still very much in love with his ex. It has been five months. Over five. He could be over her and just want to have fun for now, and it’s fine seeing as I can’t blame him for not wanting to hop RIGHT into another relationship so soon. He needs a breathing period. But I’ve fallen for him. I haven’t told him this yet. Well… not fully. I told him I had feelings for him and might not be able to do this much longer or they’ll turn for the worst. HE didn’t say much, just that I should tell him if I don’t want to do this anymore and he’ll understand. But after that night I told him, he seemed even MORE into me. So affectionate, and we slept together that night too, and he was very touchy-feely.

    I cannot peg this situation… the smarter part of me feels that I should end this now before future hurt, but the unwise part wants to continue, because this feeling I get with him is like a high I cannot control. What should I do and is he into me? Please help!

    Wow shit I wrote a novel.

  • scifibaby

    Hi I could really use an outsiders opinion here.

    For a couple of months at the end of last year I hooked up with this guy a few times. I was under no illusions that it was anything more than just sex which suited me fine. He ended up with a girlfriend anyway and I was okay with that because I didn’t have feelings for him- I was just attracted to him.

    He and his girlfriend broke up in May. I started seeing him out a lot more and we would often just chat and we got along really well. Naturally enough I started to really like him. He’s a great guy. At the start of July on a night out (we hang out at the same places so we always bump in to each other), I threw caution to the wind and tried to kiss him. He said no because he was just out of a relationship and was really sorry. Later that night another girl tried to kiss him and he just flat out denied her- didn’t give her a reason. He could have just done that so he didn’t seem like an ass in front of me. I really don’t know.

    A week after that I bumped in to him again, briefly. We just had a talk and a cigarette. He hugged me goodbye and then he kissed me. We talked online after that and he made last minute plans to come hang out at mine but they fell through. He said he was disappointed. I was still pretty sure he would have just wanted sex.

    About a month ago now I was at a friends house really late, it was 3am. We got chatting online and told him if he’s not too busy he could come to my friends and the three of us could just hang out. He came over and we cuddled and held hands. Eventually we went to bed and had sex. Maybe it’s wishful thinking on my part but it was different. He cared about whether I was having a good time or not (whereas before it just was so long as he was happy, hah) and for the first time he stayed all night and slept beside me all cuddly. When he woke up the next morning we lay cuddling for hours just talking about random stuff- music, family etc. I felt a connection but that could just be me.

    On Friday again he came back to my friends place with me and once again we were all cuddly and holding hands, kissed me on my forehead. We had sex again and again there was more of a connection than the times last year. He wasn’t able to stay all night this time but he stayed for a while and we talked and he stroked my back. On Friday and the time before that we also looked into each others eyes whilst having sex which didn’t happen before. When he left on Friday he knew I would be away all this week and asked me if I was able to be online and talk to him when I’m gone. I can and have. The conversation is nice and casual and not at all sexual.

    I think an important point to make is that when it comes to the sex it’s all down to me. He doesn’t put any pressure on or anything. I really like him and want to tell him but I’m scared. Although we haven’t talked much about it, I know his girlfriend was the one to end their relationship. Even though he hasn’t said it I get the feeling she hurt him. He could be perfectly happy with the way things are between us but I can’t help but want to know where this is gonna go. I think about him all the time and miss him like crazy. Any insight? Thanks.

  • Just me

    Ok, I have been reading all of the above posts, and I really need advice.

    I am a 28 year old singlr mom of 3 and for the past month and a half I have been hooking up with a 22 year old man. When things first started I told him I wanted a relationship, but he told me he was not looking for a girlfriend. I was and still am ok with that for now, but he acts like he is falling for me. He exihibits all the signs in the article, he seems interested in my life and even confides in me about his. He comes over every other night or so, and he even spends the night.

    We do not meet during the day, due to our schedules not matching up. He is genuinly concerned about my feelings and makes sure I am comfortable. He has even put questions out there concerning jealousy EX: “If a year from now you saw me talikng to other females would you get mad?”.

    We hang out and watch movies together, as well he cuddles with me and holds my hand, I do not want to read too much into it, so could you shed some light on this??

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Just Me
    First, I think you need to ask him point blank if he still feels the same way he did at the beginning, or if his feelings about a relationship have changed. When he answers that question, you need to believe him, as long as his actions match what he says.
    However, his being 22 is a huge red flag. I’m not worried about the age difference at all, but a guy that age is unlikely to want a serious commitment, especially if it involves the lives of three children. I regularly counsel women in their early 20s to go at least 5 years up to find a guy who is mature enough to be contemplating settling down. He’s awfully young for that. In any case, you won’t know until you ask him, so I think you should do that asap. Good luck!

  • HermioneG

    Hey, i am in college and its my second year here different program this time. The past year 2009/2010 school year there was this guy me and him got together in October, dating and cuddling and sex. We were on and off the past year i know on one of our off times i had another guy(B) im pretty sure he(A) was jelous of this one(B).. but that didnt last long before me and guy A was back together again. I had to leave early june before the semester was over not expecting anything to come from me and GUY A. late june after he found out i was returning he started to ask “did i love him” that conversationwent on then all summer he was saying how much he missed me and stuff. Now not even a full week after we are both back on campus we were cuddling and watching a movie he tells me how he likes me as a “really good friend” i dont like the “just friends” thing… but he keeps saying “We’ll See” about me and him later on…

    (i am a bigger girl and im a bit clingy he wants me to give him space and lose weight.. both is hard for me)

    I Keep thinking he doesnt want me because of my weight and he wants the skinny girl that he dated once upon a time she was engaged to her boyfriend but broke off that one when the guy im talking about went up for the summer… She is up in the Northwest Territories(canada) while me and him is in Newfoundland.

    I really dont know how to approach this i know hes said some things before and came crawling back to me but i dont want to be used for just sex.

    please help me.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      Hermione,
      I don’t like that “friends” bit either. It sounds like he’s all talk when you’re not there, but now you’re back and he is saying “we’ll see?” That is not OK – you deserve to know what is really going on with him.
      .
      If you know you’re clingy, and he is asking for space, that’s fair, and would be better for you too. Clinginess is never appealing to guys, so learning to be more independent will serve you well in the future. On the other hand, I don’t like it that he is pressuring you to lose weight. If he fell for you as you are, he has no right to ask you to change your appearance – that would be like you demanding he get jacked at the gym. If you want to do that for yourself, I think that’s great, but don’t do it because he tells you to.
      .
      Don’t allow yourself to be used for sex. I think you should tell him how you feel about him but that you deserve honesty and respect. If he can’t give you what you really want emotionally, cut him loose. You deserve better. I know that isn’t easy to find, but being alone for a while is better than being taken advantage of.

  • B00ffy

    Hello Susan,

    I met this guy about a month ago, we meet on a dating website. Since then we hangout about twice a week. We go to the movies, dinner or the occasional movie night at his place. I have an odd schedule (usually work weekends) so we kinda work around my work schedule. We have already been intimate and its great.
    He always makes little comments about how he wants to take me to some restaurant or place he likes or how we are spending more time together. He always holds my hand, hugs or kisses me in public or when alone and sends the occasional text message asking how is my day going. I haven’t met his family or friends yet.

    I know he likes me but HOW CAN I TELL IF WANTS ME FOR SOMETHING SERIOUS OR JUST FLING?? Should I just ask him, or is it too soon? I really like him, I don’t to sound desperate or needy but I want to know.

    Thank you, please tell me what should I do!

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @BOOffy
    It is never too soon to ask a man what he’s looking for – you ask when you need to know. And after a month spending time together and being intimate it is completely reasonable to have that conversation. It sounds like you are falling for him, so you need to know asap if he feels the same way. Don’t delay – ask him the next time you’re together.

  • B00ffy

    Ok I will as soon as see him.
    But base on what I describe, What do you think? Can all be an act?

    Can you give me an example of what should I Say?

    Thank you!

  • GG624

    Hello Susan,
    Glad i found this website I’m super confused at my current guy situation. A college guy friend whom i have known for 5 + years and I have been flirting our entire friendship. We had fooled around randomly throughout college (no sex), nothing really came of it, it was always just drunken fun. Now we are done with college both hanging out, still flirting, and eventually lots of sexual tension lead to a really hot hookup (w/ sex). We have been talking every day since (its been about a week) and I would normally be really excited, however he “kind of” has a girlfriend. His “girlfriend” is the same girl that he dated in college broke up with every other day and now she lives in Europe (we live in the US). He never talks about her and the only way I know they are together is bc her facebook page says so. (However, his facebook page, says nothing of her). While this girl and my self went to college together, I do not consider her a friend. I know I need to eventually talk about the nature of their relationship. However I still feel guilty. I know I need to eventually talk about the nature of their relationship. But, does it even matter if we are just friends with benefits? what should my next move be? what are reasonable expectations?

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @BOOfy
    I don’t think it’s all an act, but it depends on what he wants. If he is looking to date casually and not let it get any more serious, then he’s happy as can be with the status quo. You need to let him know you are looking for more. You might say, “Hey, I was wondering if you’re seeing other people. I thought we should probably get onto the same page about this.” That should lead to a discussion about where each of you sees this going – the conversation about being exclusive is always the best place to start, because it affects your emotional AND physical health.

  • B00ffy

    Ok, should I ask him next time I see him in person or is it Ok if I just ask him over the phone?

    The other day he told me he cancel his online account (dating website) because he didn’t want to pay again, I try to access his profile and its true, is not active anymore. So I don’t think he is seeing anyone else.

    I talked to him yesterday (Monday), he told he wanted to see me and that he would call me, He knows that today and tomorrow I was off but I didn’t heard a from him today :( Do you think he lost interest or he is just busy…?

    Please help!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @BOOfy
      Obviously, I have no way of knowing what he is thinking. Since you don’t either, you will just have to ask him, and I would strongly suggest having this conversation in person. Over the phone is never a good way to have a serious conversation if you can help it.

  • B00ffy

    Hi Susan,

    Thanks so much for your time and advice.
    So I texted him this morning just saying hello and asking how is he doing.
    He apologized for not talking and said “Im sorry I just been super busy :( I hope you forgive me”
    I told him: Is cool, just dont be a Stranger.. xoxo
    he reply back: Ok xoxo :)

    I know you are not a psychic but base on your experience what’s your opinion? I don’t know if he said the truth or if he is just pulling away..?

    So now I don’t know when am I going to see him because he didn’t mention anything. I know you said that is better to have the conversations in person but If I don’t heard from him by next week, do you think I should call him and ask if I was just a fling for him?

    Thank so much!

  • mochahaven

    Hi Susan,
    Well thanks for posting this site – I’ve been reading up on a ton of info on the web as this is my first FWB arrangement (I’m 28! haha). I liked that chart.
    Anyhoot, you left a bolded sentence above regarding other indicators he has feelings, and I believe, though have yet to confirm, these are also indicators that a hookup is falling. I should mention that I am a woman and my lover /FWB is a friend as well as coworker.  Its also important to know that I initiated the FWB arrangement as I am tired of being lonely, thought he is sexy/attractive and he’s always been kind to me. However, since the sex has been amazing, and because of the signs I’ll list below, I’m now on the fence about him. I think I’m not fully committing a crush here because he is a commitment phobe and always pulls back from me when we have deeper convos – he did this even when we were just friends. Unfortunately, we get along on so many levels, I just think he’s still thinking the grass is greener and may be interested in polygamy period. So here’s the latest, and if any of these don’t seem like indicators otherwise, feel free to say so!:
    – Said “I don’t want to like you” and “you don’t want me to fall in love with you, do you?”
    – Cuddles post-sex and stays the night as well as in the morning – leaving w/ me at the same time
    – Asked me to sleep with my head on his chest, made sure I was comfortable and was staring at me on his chest sleeping (I woke up suddenly to make sure my big head didn’t make his arm fall asleep and he couldn’t close his eyes fast enough!)
    – Makes eye contact while kissing and having sex
    – Intertwines his fingers with mine as we spoon to fall asleep
    – Takes showers with me every morning after
    – Made the bed and cleaned up all dishes, glasses, etc. from the night before and breakfast without my knowing or prodding! (c’mon – that’s a keeper!)
    – Asked me to go out with him this weekend to go dancing  (where he normally picks up chicks) AND to paint his apartment w/ him…though we are friends at work and occasionally after hours, we’ve been quite sporadic in hanging out
    – Tells me what type of woman he wants to marry, why he thinks the world of his amazing sisters, his career dreams and his future goals for his future children (seriously)..then he’ll go “what am I doing? Why am I talking about this?”
    Oh and #10 on your list…let’s just say he makes that a top priority when we get together…

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Mochahaven

    Thanks for leaving a comment! I have to say, it does indeed sound like he is interested. All of these are good signs. However, the bottom line is that it doesn’t do you any good if he is determined to remain unattached. If he has feelings for you and fights them, he’s not emotionally available. On the other hand, he may be falling for you and wanting more. I would say that if you can hang in there for a while and see where this goes it might be worth a shot. I wouldn’t give it more than a few weeks, though – maybe a couple of months. At that point, ask him what he is thinking, and if he is determined to keep it casual, walk away. You could actually do that now, or at any time, but I can understand why you might want to give him some time without pressuring him. If he wants to take this to the next level, though, he will. Meanwhile, I urge you to keep meeting new people, dating, etc. There is no reason in the world to be monogamous with a FWB. It may be that knowing you are seeing other people will give him an incentive to commit.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Nicole

    The problem is, many guys can enjoy a woman’s company, think she’s great, even feel a lot of affection. But they aren’t heartbroken, or even close, if it ends. The question is: How emotionally invested is he? If he still says he doesn’t want anything serious, and says to let him know if you decide you want to stop, then he is clearly signalling that he has no intention of making a commitment. He may feel jealous of another potential boyfriend, sure, but he’s not saying he wants to be that boyfriend.

    If you have truly fallen for him, and you’ve been together sexually and socially for six months, you need to know where he stands. I think you already know the answer, but you should clarify exactly what he’s thinking. If he doesn’t share your feelings, heartbreak is inevitable and you should end it as soon as possible. If he does, then you can move forward and stop worrying.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @scifibaby

    Sorry I didn’t see your comment earlier – is your question still relevant? There are definitely signs in your description of attraction and possibly attachment on his part. However, it’s impossible to know without asking him directly. If he did get hurt by the previous gf, he may not be ready for another commitment. You need to know asap so that you can keep your level of involvement equal to his. Remember, a guy’s showing affection, cuddling, talking for hours, etc. does not mean he wants a relationship. He may be content to continue on in this way as long as you’re both enjoying it, with zero commitment.

    Look, I encourage women to initiate this “talk.” You’re having sex, you certainly have every right to understand what it means to each of you. Asking is not pushy, it’s smart. And from what I’ve seen, guys usually are not the ones to bring this up – it’s pretty well understood that women generally want a commitment, and the guy decides.

    If you have an update, let me know, and I’ll try to answer right away.

  • sol

    This is a very painful story. And, I need help. I will be divorced in November, 2010 from a man I married 6 years ago, and have been in relationship for a total of 10 years. After we were married, 1 year into the marriage, he stopped having sex with me, and kept photos of his x-wife of 15 years in a shoe box in our bedroom closet, not to mention old cards, letters and photes of his x-wife, even as I threw them out after I discovered them, he kept digging them out of the trash. Long story short, the marriage went downhill, and 3 years into the marrige and 75 added pounds on my 5′ 2 body a man 11 years my junior befriends me at work. I didnt know he was the boss’ son. I am in management, he is finance but I am definately higher ranking personnel, and the bosses find out and would have fired me, but I had not violated any company policy. Longer story short, the co-worker who we will call A., had a girlfriend at the time, but he and I spent many nights together, went out on dates in open public, and I moved out of my home, as my marriage began desolving at the seams prior to A., being in the picture. My husband was secretly hooking up with his x-sister in-law,  for moral support he says, but it was more of a bash ME fest. Moving along here, A, started to keep his distance from me after things got really difficult for me, and during a few life challenges. My husband and I got back together a couple of times, only to come apart again because A., keeps rushing into my life as soon as he feels that I am settling back into my world with my husband. The past two months, he comes rushing in once per month, only to ignore me for the next 4 weeks, and as soon as he feels my distance, he comes rushing back, only to ignore me again for the next 4 weeks. His father found out, an was very offended, by still provided me with a promotion, and I was so grateful that he continued to believe in my work and leadership. My life has been a train wreck for the past 3 years now, but I love A. so much, because at 11 years my junior and 75lb over weight I looked and felt horrible. Since then, I look great, I work out everyday, I watch what I eat, I have learned to protect myself agains the mental and psychological abuses of my husband and in November we will be divorce. While I can say that my life is better since A., came into my life… I am so heartbroken, because I don’t know what A wants. Its like he helped me free myself from one tyrant, only to capture me in his invisible, but no less painful and restrictive cage. I am 41 years old, my children are grown and gone, and he is only 6 years older than my oldest, but I love him so much that as I write this I feel the incredible void of his indifference, and void and I feel so defeated. I am not a horrible person. This comment box is not long enough for me to explain everything that went wrong in my marriage, and everything that I put up with to make sure that our kids his and mine got off to college. I held it steady, I put up with the pain and emptiness, and then A came along, and now I really get to feel the pain of being on the hook of someone you so thoroughly adore. Work, his age, his indifference and the intensity of what I feel for him, and what A does not feel for me is soul consuming. In the meantime my husband wants me back, but he feels like there is nothing else he can do. He knows about A. and today understands what went wrong, but if I get too close to him, although he says that he wants to work on our marriage, he gets angry and lashes out at me. I feel trapped in the middle of this emotional storm, and many times just crawl into bed feeling so defeated. The sex problem between my husband and I never found resolution. During those 3 years he was truck with cancer, and I was there for him, and A was there for me, as best as he could. In A., defense, it has been one hell of a ride, but he stands challenged by judgemental society and his father’s opposition to it all, our administration counts on me to overcome this phase in my life, and wants me to stabalize, and A. seems to try to break away from me every 4 weeks, but keeps coming back. When he touches me, genuinely I know that he loves me, perhaps he isn’t ready for what that means, and what it can bring down on both of us. I just know that I need to break away from both men. My husband I will break away from in November, but A., I am stuck with as we work together. I don’t know what the outcome will be, or exactly what I am doing writing about it on this post, but if there is a voice out there that can offer my heavy heart and soul some words of wisdom, I would certainly listen. Anything at this point is better than what I can say to myself. I am so lost in love for A.

  • Karen143

    Hi, my name is Karen and i’m from Misissipi and i just wanted to tell you i absolutely love your hookinkupsmart webstie!! i need help! I met a guy at a bar and i noticed he was interested in me cause he kept looking my way, i kept looking his way too. we hit it off, started talking and exchanged numbers, a week after that he sends me a text message and from there we kept in touch. This one night we hooked up, then we went out the next day, and the day after that but it’s not like he asks me out. I feel ashamed because on the second day we wnt to his house and things got a little heated up and i don’t normally do things like these, i don’t know what is happening to me. He left town, we havent seen each other for three weeks but he sends me almost every night a text message. I miss him a lot and I want to tell him that but don’t know how, So now I don’t know when am I going to see him because he didn’t mention anything. We still talk, but I’m nervious, don’t know what to do when i see him next time, help please…..

  • Anna

    Hi susan,
    First of all,I love this website. I read all the posts and find your advice great..as such, hope you can help me with my little problem.
    Recently Ive met a guy, it started out as friends with benefits. Recently, we have been spending quite a lot of time together, at least 3-4 times a week. I’ve known him for 3 months now, and in the beginning, he told me that we could only be friends, that he likes me but his “gut” tells him we could never be together, that there is a difference between liking and being in love. IT was fine for me as I just came out of a long relationship and wanted something without complications. Now I might want more…and I don’t know whether I am reading too much into his actions and words, or whether what I am seeings is really there…we talk everyday, we cuddle a lot and spend time together without always having sex, he tells me “i am his” , that he misses me and likes me and spending time with me. Recently he has been using the word “love” very often, ie. “I love your dimples when you smile”, etc etc, always makes sure he has something to feed me with when I come over and. He mocks me and I do the same with him very often. Often he would say things like “you like me, or you miss me.” And when I answer “you just want me to miss you and like you, which doesn’t mean I do” he would say “yes”. At this point I would like to point out that this guy has a big ego and I know hes had plenty of women. I assume he still has one or two on the side, which he doesn’t really tell me about, as he says its not important. I don’t really know what to think about all of this.I He has had a few “friends with benefits” and never ended up falling for any of them, even though they fell for him. In the beginning he would tell me that he is like this with all his friends and likes making them feel good. I know he likes me, but I am not sure if there is any potential of him developing greater feelings towards me.

  • Day

    I’ve been hanging out with this guy for about a month now. We’ve had sex three times and I have a hard time reading his personailty. I can’t decide if he actually likes me, or he’s just using me for sex. I know he’s has a past of getting around with alot of other girls, but he doesn’t treat me like one of them. Even in front of his friends hell show affection by holding me or even kissing me and then other days he won’t do anything. When were alone he shows affection also and we can just hang out without “hooking up”. He’ll always text me and see what I’m doing and seems interested in my life stories. On the otherhand I can’t decide if I should bring it up to him how I feel about him or just wait for him to come to me. I’m just so confused!

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Anna
    You must ask him how he feels. We women tend to attach great importance to affectionate gestures and spending time together as indicative of emotional investment because that’s the way we operate. However, many men don’t attach any importance to these behaviors. They can enjoy a woman, feel fond of her, feel strongly attracted to her, and still not want a commitment of any kind. You’re investing a lot in this relationship, and you need to know asap whether he is doing the same thing. If he says “no relationship” I advise you to end it immediately, before you get even more hurt. Men rarely change their minds about commitment, no matter how much they like a woman.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Day
    My advice to you is the same as for Anna. Your situations sounds very “no strings attached.” Waiting for him to come to you is not a good strategy, because you are already feeling confused and conflicted. If he isn’t suffering the same way, he’s likely to just maintain the status quo. You must ask him before you get any more invested, and be prepared to walk, because I don’t think the sex you’re having is at all casual for you.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Karen143
    To be honest, it sounds like you’ve had a fling. If he doesn’t say anything about making a plan to see one another, then you can assume it’s not on his mind. When men are interested, they generally say so unless they fear rejection. In this case, he has no reason to fear rejection. I would FIDO (f*ck it drive on). If he comes around with concrete, tangible interest and follows through, then you can think about what it means. The occasional text takes 10 seconds to send and is meaningless.

  • Anna

    Hi Susan, thanks very much for your reply. I do, however, have a follow-up question. We actually know eachother 2 months and its in the past month that we’ve started spending so much time together. You advised me to ask how he feels. However, isn’t it way too early for that? How can he possibly know now whether he will want to commit or not…for some reason I have this idea that the more time we spend together, the more he will like me and he will magically end up falling for me. FRom what I learned recently, hes 31 and has only been in one 5 month relationship, the rest were all flings and “friends with benefits.” Maybe I should give this a little bit more time? PLz help! Thank you;-)

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Anna
    It may be too early to ask him if you’re “the one” but if you’re having sex it is certainly not too early to ask, “How do you see me?” He might say, “I have feelings for you” or he might say “It’s fun, but I’m not looking for anything more.” You need to know that, because every day you spend gets you more invested.
    .
    Your dream that he will fall for you is normal – that’s what women always feel. However, men don’t necessarily operate that way. He may think you’re great but not fall in love. He will not fall in love if he has already decided not to.
    .
    If he’s 31 and has only been in one short relationship, that is a major red flag. It sounds like he has never fallen for anyone before, or allowed himself to become attached. He is also used to a lot of sexual variety, and promiscuous men rarely make good long-term partners.
    .
    If you can’t get serious reassurance from this guy very soon, in the form of his trying hard to be in a relationship, my advice is to walk.

  • Lisa

    Hello, I would first like to start with acknowledging the fact that this site is great and at the moment I am very appreciative of it!
    So here’s my (very long) story…please help!. Just about a month and a half ago my now ex boyfriend of 4 years left me for someone else. About a week later I find out that my fathers best friends son is also newly single (2 months) after an on and off 7 year relationship. He expressed to my father that he had always had a thing for me and I just so happened to be interested in him as well. My only concern was the age difference with me being a very mature 26 year old and him being 23 but I figured what the heck why not give it a shot. So we went on our first date about 3 weeks ago and on that date after about 10 hours of bein together just talking and enjoying learning about eachother he held my hand and said, it’s quite obvious that we both like eachother but I just want you to know that I’m not looking to jump I to anything, I just want to go with the flow. I agreed being as I myself had just gotten out of a long term relationship. So the next night he invited me out for drinks with him and his broher which I also know and he was so affectionate and treated me with so much respect. Now his brother was explaining to me how anthony (the new guy) is always so quick to fall in love etc…. I explained to him that anthony had advised me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship at this time and he was shocked and also proud that he seems to be changing and he then said to me well my brother is a great catch don’t let him go. Just have fun and see what happens, you don’t have to get serious right away right? I agreed… He then once again said don’t let him get away he’s a great catch and worth the wait. Now with all of that being said we have seen eachother almost every day since thenand every time were together he is constantly telling me how much he likes me and how good I make him feel and how great I treat him and that he’s not used to it etc… He’s more than affectionate with me and when he looks into my eyes I would swear that he is falling very hard for me. About a week ago he left my place in the morning (and at thus time we hadn’t slept together yet) he texted me asking how I feel about him and if I’m falling for him. I said that I am, that I like him very much and enjoy our time together. He right away says I like you alot Lisa but I don’t think I’m ready for that. I asked him ready for what? He says love commitment etc…I then explained that I by no means meant that. That I hadn’t even thought about any of that and I’m just going with the flow. He said i just dont want to hurt you and i dont want to get hurt, i know im very affectionate and that can be confusing but i guess iif you’re not thinking about any of that then were on the same page. So i was disappointed but yet I don’t quite believe him. Anyway just a few nights ago he got pretty drunk and I picked him up and the whole drive back to my place which was about 20 mins he’s telling me how happy he was that I was with him and he must have said “I like you alot Lisa, like really alot” at least 20 times … No exaggeration! And when we got back to my place he continued telling me how much he likes me Nd how happy I make him and that he was going to invite me to his house upstate for the weekend if I didn’t already go out with my girlfriends. He then explained how he has never invited a girl update durin hunting season. So I’m taking this as I must be something special. Now he has not brought up anything about not gettin serious since that last text but I’m just assuming it’s because we have a mutual understanding and he doesnt feel the need to reiterate. So with all of this being said here’s my problem… I did not have any intention of getting into a serious relationship having just come out of one but the heart wants what it wants and unfortunately my heart is telling me it wants him! What is a girl to do? Should I just wait it out? Like I said I feel like his actions are telling me different than his words. And of course now that we are sleeping together I’m getting all “girlie” lol please help me sort this out. Thank you!
    Lisa

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Lisa
    I think you should be very, very careful. He has warned you multiple times not to get too attached to him. When men decide they don’t want a relationship, they very, very rarely change their minds. Of course it is in his interest for you to wait around without demanding too much. Perhaps he is a catch, but that doesn’t do you any good if he refuses to be caught. Exactly how long are you supposed to hang in there?
    .
    When he gets affectionate and says how much he likes you, he is giving in to an impulse, but it doesn’t last. He will again state that he is not ready for commitment. You are currently having no-strings sex with him. He could change his mind tomorrow, or find a new woman, and you would be hurt. His age is obviously a huge factor – I advise 21 year-old women to stick to guys 25 and older. Very, very few men under 25 are looking to get serious, and the fact that this guy is newly single after a long period means that he is likely to want a lot of sexual variety.
    .
    If your heart wants him, get out now. I’m sorry, but I don’t have a good feeling about this at all. He’s telling you he doesn’t want to get attached, and you need to believe him.

  • Anna

    Hi Susan,
    I took your advice. After meeting up with him a few more times and his display of “affectionate bf” behavior, I asked him how he feels about all of this, mentioning also my feelings. He said he cares for me, loves spending time with me and once he kisses and embraces me, he does feel things but just not the “marry me” things. I asked what, since he seems to be so inexpressive. His response: that I like you as a person and love spending time with you but I am not in love with you. SO now I feel like I’ve had my heart cut up into pieces, although technically I am not in love with him…His first and only relationship lasted 5 months but everything progressed really fast until it hit the wall and fell apart. It is like he wants to feel in love instantly. Isn’t it supposed to be a process or am I just fooling myself into believing something might still happen with this guy? I also asked what his promiscuity brings him..he replied its the diversity..not so much the sex as much as the hunt. Despite all these things, I feel he is a great guy if he really cares for someone and is in love…I just don’t understand what is wrong with me since he apparently loves so many things about me yet wants nothing apart from spending time and bed. ANy comments and suggestions? Would really appreciate some feedback as it appears I cant think rationally anymore even though rationality was once my strong side with men.SIgh**

  • Badger Nation

    Anna,
    .
    Good for you for vocalizing your feelings, something many people can’t or won’t do because they are too afraid to face the action that might have to follow from the discussion. I am going to riff on your words and what they mean to men (e.g. your man) and be frank, although you can still be Anna.
    .
    “His response: that I like you as a person and love spending time with you but I am not in love with you.”
    .
    Welcome to the world of middle-aged husbands served with divorce papers from their bored wives.
    .
    HA! But seriously, this highlights how men and women view marriage in radically different ways. Generally speaking, women see marriage as a social proof enterprise, a demonstration of their successful hypergamy (“I’ve been CHOSEN!”), entry into an “adult” lifestyle, material security, and obviously the marker of maternal legitimacy.
    .
    However, despite feminization of our society, men still understand marriage as a corporate enterprise, something that needs to be constantly pruned and recapitalized, one they are expected to head up, and an enterprise upon which they will be judged as men. Operating the marriage requires a lot of time and effort, and most men are pragmatic and want to build up other enterprises in their lives before they devote the bulk of their effort to that one.
    .
    The upshot of this is that men don’t typically consider WHO they want to marry until they’ve decided they actually want a marriage itself. What this means for you is that the demand comes first (which hasn’t happened with your man), then he goes looking for the supply. Think of it like those radar screens in movies – first you turn it on, then you see what planes/subs/whatever are in firing range. Men don’t consider wife material until they’ve got the radar screen on. Women oftentimes think “he says he LOVES me, so why doesn’t he want to MARRY me?!?” The answer is simple – men typically don’t think “wow this woman is great, she’s so great I should marry her.” Supply side economics is not a viable strategy, you can’t get a man to buy you by offering a great product unless he actually wants to buy the product in the first place. A similar argument could be made for why beta supplication doesn’t work on young women seeking risk and novelty in their men.

    (An aside: I’m starting to react with rank insult at people, usually women, who ask me why I’m not thinking about marrying my lady friend. It’s none of their damn business and it bothers me they suggest I “owe” it to her or something.)
    .
    The other side of marriage is sexual. To some men, getting married is not so much a “commitment” as it is a resignation, a statement that “I’ve had enough variety.” It’s the male version of “settling,” “I’m done landing these hot babes so I’m going to keep you.” NOW, many men are not like this…in fact most (in my estimation) betas seek monogamy with a woman they can bond strongly with. But I bring it up because if your man is openly asserting his desire for sexual variety it’s going to be a long time or a lightning strike before he will work out that instinct to the point he’s comfortable with marital sexuality.
    .
    “SO now I feel like I’ve had my heart cut up into pieces, although technically I am not in love with him…”
    .
    Take heed: it’s OK to be disappointed. That’s normal and you shouldn’t try to rationalize it away with “well I’m not really in love with him so I’m not going to admit I’m hurting.” What’s not OK is to blame or rage at him for it, more on that later…
    .
    “It is like he wants to feel in love instantly. Isn’t it supposed to be a process”
    .
    Quickly said, the “process” is rom-com bullshit. Men and women both hope for it and are both wrong. A recent study revealed men place women into marry-or-don’t-marry boxes – ladders, if you will – EXTREMELY quickly. Women do the same with who they’d sleep with. And in any event, women “growing on” men usually happens when it’s a friend – not someone a man is having flingy sex with.
    .
    “am I just fooling myself into believing something might still happen with this guy?”
    .
    Yes.
    .
    “Despite all these things, I feel he is a great guy if he really cares for someone and is in love…”
    .
    And if Rupaul had tits he’d be a woman.
    .
    “I just don’t understand what is wrong with me since he apparently loves so many things about me yet wants nothing apart from spending time and bed.”
    .
    Heed this too: nothing is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with him. Neither of you are defective, you just want slightly different things. Why he doesn’t want what you want is not really understandable; he may not understand it himself.
    .
    “ANy comments and suggestions?”
    .
    Yes. You need to get out of this before you hurt further and resent him more. Now that you’ve brought up how you feel and what you want, you’re really in a bind if you don’t break it off. It shows him that his wants and needs are more important than yours and will come first. No anger or emotion against him is necessary; again, it’s OK to be disappointed. You played the odds, the dice rolled as expected (i.e. not in your favor), you’re allowed to feel badly. What’s not OK is to misandrate him or blame him for your emotions, because that only says that he doesn’t deserve his own wants and needs, he should just serve yours.

  • Badger Nation

    Lisa,
    .
    With all due respect to your sharing your story, he has repeatedly stated what he does and doesn’t want. Shows of affection or sex do not mean he wants to get “committed.” Ditto whatever comes out of his mouth while he’s drunk (would you want to be held to things you said while drunk?) I don’t really understand what your question is – it sounds like you don’t want to make the decision for yourself.

  • Lisa

    I guess the question is should i stay or should i go? And You are right, I don’t want to make the decision myself. If I make a decision now I could 1- lose a good man because I’m afraid of getting hurt or 2- I could stick it out and end up getting hurt. So either way, if I make a decision I see myself getting hurt so it’s much easier to have someone make this decision for me that way I can’t hold myself accountable. Crazy…. I know! Lol

    It’s not only when he is drunk that he expresses his emotion, that was just an example. The things that make me feel as though he is indeed falling for me are more like him going out of his way to come see me at a wake to make sure I’m ok… Granted he lives a few blocks away from where the funeral home was but he came by and called me and said ” I’m outside, would you like to take a break and a cigarette with me? ” and as he leaves he says ” i just wanted to make sure you were ok and try to put a smile on your face ” or driving 30 mins at 1am to come be with me so I wasn’t alone when I found out that my friend had passed. I could go on and on with a list of caring, thoughtful things he does but these are just a couple examples that to me show that he cares for me very much. If I were just a “fling” why care???

    So maybe he doesn’t want a commitment right now, but I’m not looking to rush into anything myself. But the big question is does this mean he will NEVER want a commitment with me? Because if that’s the case then everything he’s doing right now means nothing… I just don’t understand how he can say he does not want a relationship any time soon but act as though were already in one???? It’s very confusing and it’s not fair to send such mixed signals. I’ve always said actions speak louder than words so why wouldn’t that apply in this scenario?

    So I guess my question really is, just because he’s not ready for any sort of commitment now does that mean he won’t be in time? Is it worth sticking around and seeing where things go or are they not ever going to go anywhere?

    Lisa

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    Lisa, I can only go on the information you’re giving me, but it sounds like his changing his mind about commitment is unlikely. Yes, he might do so at some future point, but there’s no guarantee it won’t be because of someone else! I think your chances of getting hurt are high here. Proceed with extreme caution.

  • Badger Nation

    Lisa,
    .
    Susan’s top-ten list notwithstanding, I recommend you brush up on your Greek – philia, agape, eros, the three words for love. Sounds like he’s demonstrating Christian charity to you and genuinely cares. Thankfully, that shows he’s a caring human being. At the same time, he’s repeatedly told you he’s not ready to get “serious.” The simplest conclusion is that he’s operating on a different “love plane” than you are.
    .
    “So maybe he doesn’t want a commitment right now, but I’m not looking to rush into anything myself.”
    .
    Have you oiled your hamster wheel lately? The fact you’re turned upside about this tells me you very much DO want a romance with this guy, you can call that “rushing into something” or whatever but you don’t have to rationalize that you don’t want to “rush.” Being honest about your emotions is the first step to resolving things.
    .
    “So I guess my question really is, just because he’s not ready for any sort of commitment now does that mean he won’t be in time?”
    .
    Let me analogize…you’re holding a bond. It produces predictable, stable, low-risk benefits, but that’s it. You are hoping the bond will spontaneously convert itself into a stock with unlimited growth potential.
    .
    Or another analogy…my tomato plant seedlings are buried under soil. They may sprout or may not. I’m hungry for tomatoes right now. Solution? Instead of praying my tomato plants to grow, I go to the store and buy some tomatoes.
    .
    “Is it worth sticking around and seeing where things go or are they not ever going to go anywhere?”
    .
    Where things might go is irrelevant; right now you are not getting what you want out of the relationship, and in the process you are ceding control of your emotional and romantic life to him and his own fickle emotions.
    .
    “but act as though were already in one???? It’s very confusing and it’s not fair to send such mixed signals”
    .
    WADR this is a Haley’s Halo-esque projection. He is not “acting like we’re in a relationship.” He is expressing love and concern for a friend. These are not “mixed signals,” he’s been very upfront about what his actions mean and do not mean. I am not one who believes there are many “mixed signals” between the genders. Like in statistics, “mixed” results usually mean a hypothesis tested false.

  • inexperiencedwithdating

    So we started dating a little after halloween, and I know he def likes me bc from the beginning, he made all the first moves, asking for my number, texting me, and asking me out. Im pretty shy (and have also not dated much or had a bf before, but am a sophomore in college) so I found this to be a relief. In the beginning, we always texted back and forth and he always had really cute things to say to me, like compliments not just on what i look like but personality as well. before thanksgiving time however, he stopped texting as much and would respond bluntly to anything i say like a simple “mkay,”

    so we hung out in his room and kissed friday, then saturday i initiated texting 5:00pm.. he didnt respond till 12:40 that night..and i said “hope you had a good night” and all he responded with was “thanks i did” so after that i decided to let him initate. he didnt text me at all. on the wednesday b4 thanksgiving, he was having minor surgery, so i decided to be nice and send him a text and he repsonded back in 2 minutes saying “thanks i really appreciate it, ill let u know how it goes, ill call u tomorrow” then on thanksgiving, he didnt call me but texted me that night saying “hey sorry i didnt call u, im not feeling well, will try to call u tomorrow but i cant make any promises” and he didnt call.

    after than, there was zero communication bc i didnt want to initiate again bc it seemed he didnt want to talk to me. After 5 days of not saying anything, he sends me a text 11:30 tuesday night saying “hey stranger”

    this is how it went
    me:hey yourself, long time no see
    him:for real, where have you been
    m:class, work the usual fun things, where have u been?
    h:bed..crutches..class work.
    m:oh im sorry didnt know u were on crutches :/ if i had seen u i would have offered some help
    h:aw yeah im fine. I do miss you tho!
    m:hasnt exactly seemed that way..but im glad you are doing better
    h:why do you say that?
    m:just hadnt heard from u in a while thats all
    h: I didnt hear from you either.. I usually am not the one to start conversation. Idk its just not me. I mean I like you alot, that wont change
    m: haha I guess we are both not good at the texting thing but Im glad we are both on the same page on the last bit :)
    h: to be honest with you, i hate texting so much. I’d much rather call or hangout with a person than text them
    m: I totally agree with that
    h: where do we go from here?
    m: guess this just means we need to see each other more often :)
    h: agreed.
    m: let me know the next time you want to hang out, for now i have to go to bed, have an acct test :/
    h: will do.

    Ok so this is where i had not idea what to say..

    h:good luck with the test. PS yo u should sleep over some time :) I would love to spend an entire night with you but anyways good night
    i simply responded-
    m:goodnight :)
    h: haha night :)

    the next night he texted me asking if u wanted to hang out, i went and hung out with him and his roommates at 8:30 (his roommates are really nice and cool) and then the two of us hung out by ourselves in his room 10 till 12, talking at first, watching a movie, and then the night ended with us making out for the first time.

    Im concerned bc it seems like now we never go on dates, just hang out on campus or in his room at night.. i mean we only kiss but still is he just using me as someone to kiss? we have been seeing each other for the month and he hasnt really said anything about being bf/gf and my friends keep asking me about it.. and other pple know about us seeing each other

    idk what to do.. or how to ask him about it

    help?!?! sorry this was so long.. but im afraid to ask my friends about it bc i feel like they are judging me for kissing him/making out wednesday night and him not being my boyfriend..
    how do i tell him i want to go on dates and not just hang out in his room.. how do i tell if he just wants to kiss or is genuinely interested?

  • Badger Nation

    “Im concerned bc it seems like now we never go on dates, just hang out on campus or in his room at night
    .
    I wouldn’t worry about this – the idea of “dating” as a long-term pattern of actually going on dates is almost unheard of in American colleges today.
    .
    “then on thanksgiving, he didnt call me but texted me that night saying “hey sorry i didnt call u, im not feeling well, will try to call u tomorrow but i cant make any promises” and he didnt call.”
    .
    I’d take this as good news as it’s very beta; a Roissy-esque player wouldn’t apologize for not calling.
    .
    “i mean we only kiss but still is he just using me as someone to kiss?”
    .
    I’m inclined to think not. If a reasonably attractive guy wants to be sexually stimulated, he’d be going beyond first base and he wouldn’t be using you for it, he’d find some floozy who’s begging to go further.
    .
    “im afraid to ask my friends about it bc i feel like they are judging me for kissing him/making out wednesday night and him not being my boyfriend..”
    .
    I think their judgment is silly. Making out with somebody you’ve gone on a couple of dates with and/or hung out with just the two of you is not abnormal or slutty behavior. People in Susan’s generation used to do that, “necking” and whatnot and it didn’t hurt anybody. Don’t let them tell you you’re a ho.
    .
    “how do i tell him i want to go on dates and not just hang out in his room.. how do i tell if he just wants to kiss or is genuinely interested?”
    .
    You can’t really lay expectations on him that aren’t his style, that’s a form of nagging and will make him disappear. He’ll feel the relationship has gone high-maintenance. If you want to be dating “out in the world” and not in his room, what you CAN do is lead that kind of life regardless of whether he comes along – plays, music events, art shows, pep rallies, sports, mixers, you get the idea. Don’t let him get the idea the best use of your time is locked in his room. A college man will not play to the idea he’s supposed to generate the social life for his girl, you need to bring him into your life as much as the other way around.
    .
    If he’s not into doing social things with you at his side, he’s probably not looking at an LTR. And if he’s not into doing the things you are, then you may have to accept you have limited compatibility. For a month-plus of dating, that’s not a bad outcome (better to find out now than six months of hooking up later).
    .
    Sounds to me like you are in the awkward and unpredictable stage of figuring out whether and how you will transition from a few dates to actually dating. This is doubly difficult during the holidays since the school schedule is so chopped up.

  • Badger Nation

    “I wouldn’t worry about this”
    .
    What I meant was I wouldn’t take this as a sign he was or wasn’t serious. If going on dates is something you want in your relationship then you should be concerned about it for sure.

  • Nicole

    Hello!

    I have a looong story that I need to get off my chest! And I really really really need some answers and advice, because I can’t seem to take my own or even listen to myself at all.

    So here’s how it started: When I started my job back in March of 2009 (I’m a housekeeper) there was a young gentleman who was working the front desk at the hotel. He was VERY attractive. And when he first saw me since my day of hire he gave me a really weird look. Not a bad one, but like he’d just seen a steak, lol. He was also flirting with me. Later I had found out that he was also in a relationship with a girl he’d been with for about 5 years. So I let it go and we really didn’t talk much but he still stared at me all the time. I could always feel his eyes on me and I was always right when I checked to see for myself. About the first week of March the following year, I saw that he had been crying in the back office. I wondered what it had been about. I later found out that his girlfriend had cheated on him. He tried to forgive her but it wasn’t working and she decided to leave him for the other guy anyway. So he was devastated. At that point it had been about a 6 year relationship. So I told him to call me or text me anything he wanted if he needed someone to talk to. I didn’t offer because I wanted him for myself by any means no. But I was genuinely concerned and felt very bad because I have been there myself. Anyway, about a week later he decided to call me. I was at the mall, and he asked if I wanted to see a movie. I of course agreed.

    Everything went decent but afterwards we went to sit by the waterfront and we talked about what was happening to him and the whole cheating thing. He asked about my past too, and if I had similar experience with a cheater. I definitely had. ANYway I’m rambling now.

    After that night, he started to text me more and more and we hung out on a regular basis, like 4 times a week. One night he took me to a party and when we left we were alone in his care and we um… well you know :p I felt a bit bad because I didn’t want to begin it like that. I wanted to wait. Anyway, when he drove me home, he told me he hoped I realized I didn’t want a relationship because he wasn’t ready at all. It was the 1st month since his break-up. I was hurt, because I thought that he meant it was basically a one night stand. But the next night we arranged to go out again. He bought me flowers because he felt bad for the miscommunication. We’ll jump ahead a bit and basically ever since then… we hung out ALL the time. He invited me over all the time to stay with him. The routine usually went like this: Come over for dinner, cook, watch a movie, go to “sleep”, cuddle a ton, actually sleep, wake up together, cook breakfast together (the whole time he would always touch me and be affectionate while we were cooking together and give me kisses etc). At this point (about August that year) he still had not asked me out or ANYthing. He made it clear that he still was just not ready. It hurt, but I gave it time. He lived with 4 other guys and one night he got super drunk downtown and called me at like 2am for a ride. I instantly drove to pick him up and take him to his house. I asked why he called me out of everyone else and he said because he wanted to see me. And he kept saying that a girl was trying to get him to take her to his place but he told me he said no, he had to see “his girl.” When we got to his place we had sex of course. After he kept saying he loved me. It wasn’t in a drunk way all of a sudden, it was in an intensified and serious tone. But I played it dumb and kept telling him no, he was drunk. He said no… I really do Nicole. I know he was drunk, so he was being silly probably. But isn’t that the moment when you don’t care what others think anymore, and you say how you really feel? Anyway, there was a misunderstanding with him and his roomates and he was beat up and kicked out by one of them. He came over to me the next night after that happened and it looked SO bad. We were sitting in his car. I felt so bad for him. I gave him a hug and he started to cry. I asked him what he was crying for and he said it was just really good to see me. And then we started staying with a girl we work with and her bf. We were really good friends with her. Anyway, since that all happened we seemed to have gotten REALLY close. He was so affectionate it put me off balance, because it was intense. He started to kiss me a lot more, and caress me, and look into my eyes so strangely. Like he was in love with me. I could almost bet my life on it.

    Anyway, long story shorter… he has never stopped putting in effort to spend time with me.

    Reasons why I feel like he’s into me:
    -He ALWAYS lights up and smiles when he sees me come in at work.
    -He kisses me all the time
    -We cuddle a lot in bed without having sex. Just cuddling and talking.
    -He bought me a $200 camera for my brithday (October).
    -He brought me to meet his family who lived 4 hours away (For Thanksgiving). His mom is really special to him, so it surprised me. We even slept in the same bed and his mom asked if he wanted the couch, he told her no he wanted to sleep in the bed with me.
    -The look in his eyes when he looks at me is always so intense, as if he wants to say he loves me.
    -He ALWAYS stays in touch with me.
    -He gets really jealous and sad if I text a guy friend. And my friend from work always watches his mannerism when I’m around other guys. If they hit on me, she tells me that he gets really jealous and the look on his face is like he’s gonna kick their ass. I find it cute. He always asks who I’m texting, and asks if it’s my boyfriend. He pretends he’s joking and playful but I know he’s honestly asking for the real truth.
    -We hang out and do everything together.
    -He wants to move in together.
    -He always calls me chica. Other times chica bonita. Which obviously means beautiful girl. And he calls me sweetheart at times.
    -Sometimes he’ll tell me he misses me already after only being apart for like an hour.
    -He’ll slip sometimes and refer to me as his girlfriend. But then again, he’ll correct himself after.

    Things that make me doubt:
    -He still tells me he isn’t ready for commitment (I know you’re set on the idea that if they don’t want to commit, they never will… but I feel like he will get there when he’s had time to recover. If you count 9 months as not enough time…
    -Him possibly not being over his ex. Which he always really wants to assure me that nothing will happen again. She saw me and him together once and he was upset she saw me. Made me really sad he cared about that.
    -In front of my friends from work (one is a mutual friend), he hides his affection. In fact, he hides it from everyone other than us. Unless he’s drunk.

    And I mean, I really don’t know what to do! He tells me he doesn’t know where we’ll go but until then, he just isn’t ready right now to ask me out. Not just with me, but with ANYone. It hurts me a lot. I don’t want him to one day just move on to someone else. He can’t tell me he sees me in the future but he also doesn’t deny it. I’ve typed too much already, but just to add… he really is so good to me. And the affection just pours through from him. I can honestly see he genuinely cares deeply about me. He figured out I love him, and instead of running for the hills… he was excited and all smiley about it. He didn’t pull away after he found out, not one bit. He may even have gotten closer to me in terms of showing it. But still… no commitment. We had a huge talk a few days ago about where we’re at. Basically he told me he doesn’t want to hurt me, and that if he is… I should walk away. I told him maybe it would be for the best. After I said that, it looked like I broke his heart. We talked more and got nowhere other than me being stupid and sticking it out still. My mind says no but my heart and soul tell me there’s something in this still.

    Last night I told him I needed to talk to him. I never say that, so he called me like 2 minutes later knowing something was wrong. I hinted that this wasn’t working out. He got really defensive and tried assuring me to stick it out and see where it goes. He was very sad in his tone when we were talking on the phone. I asked him if I were to walk away, if he’d care. He said of course he would, that he wants this still. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t NEED a commitment, but I also don’t need a broken heart…

  • Nicole

    oops… he hoped I realized HE didn’t want a relationship I meant*

  • November Gray

    A man kissed me unexpectedly four months ago and since then we see each other regularly at least twice a month for 4-5 days every time. We live in different countries, so one of us or both fly. We write to each other almost everyday in between and he calls me for some lengthy talks. I am 30 and I have a child. He is in his 40’s and not married.

    We never defined our relationship, although he asked me once if I am using him just for sex and I said no. I have difficulties to fully trust and show my emotions without holding back, because I am affraid to get hurt. So, I usually take one step forward and two backwards. He is very nice to me. He plans for us both three months ahead, cooks for me all the time, tells me things he never told to anyone before, is eager to cover all the bills up and prioritizes me in bed always, suggested to meet my child. I truly like him, but I act a bit untamed at times and he says I’m keeping him on the edge all the time. I think I could relax into it if I knew for sure that he likes me so with all of my peculiarities and wants to be my man. He acts like one most of the time, but he never verbalized his intentions. Although, once after a fight he said that it hurts, cause probably he has feelings for me.

    What do you think is going on? What shall I do? I think I would go for it. I would like him to love me, because love doesn’t exist and I tried everything that does…:)

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @November Gray
      Wow! This sounds like a great relationship! What are you waiting for? Tell him you have feelings and ask him about what he feels! It sounds like both of you are very invested, but also very guarded. Your instinct to go for it is right on. Don’t delay – life is short. And if it doesn’t work out for some reason, better to know now.

  • Badger Nation

    Tough honesty from the Badger Nation…
    .
    “he asked me once if I am using him just for sex”
    “tells me things he never told to anyone before”
    “once after a fight he said that it hurts, cause probably he has feelings for me.”
    .
    This could be vulnerability game, but I doubt it. These are likely signs he’s emotionally invested. He is consciously or subconsciously trying to draw out your emotional intimacy, or possibly trying to bargain for your intimacy by giving you his first.
    .
    “I truly like him, but I act a bit untamed at times”
    .
    If you want him to be “your” man, you have to act as “his” woman. If you act like something to be “tamed,” he will be bored once he tames you.
    .
    I’m curious how this weeklong-visit-across-national-borders arrangement works out. Is he paying for it all?

  • B00ffy

    Hello Susan!

    So I have a question for you. I have been dating this guy for almost five months.
    At the beginning it was kinda on and off, I stop talking to him for 3 weeks, I ignored his text messages until he called me and ask me for a second chance that he really miss me and wants to be with me so since that time its been steady. Everything is good, he calls everyday, we see each other every week.
    But I still haven’t met his family or friends and he hasn’t ask me to be his girlfriend. Also I haven’t introduce him to my friends either because I don’t know if I should introduce him as a friend or boyfriend..?
    We did talk about been exclusive with each other, he told me he wasn’t seeing or talking to anyone else and that yes we are exclusive. And the other day he made a comment about his friends and refer to me as his girlfriend (this was the first time he use the word “girlfriend”)

    So What do you think? Should I say something? Do you think he just not ready yet to introduce me to his friends or family or that he is just not thinking about it… Im confuse cause I don’t know the rules of dating… I don’t know when do you become the girlfriend or if guys even ask this days… Help!

    THANK YOU for your time & Happy Holidays!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      B00ffy,
      It’s hard to know what is going on in his mind. In general, guys don’t usually bring up these subjects. They find it awkward to initiate “the talk” about the relationship. You are going to have to do it. I suggest that you tell him exactly what you said to me. Say that you are confused and you want to know where things stand. From there you will either be very reassured, or learn that the relationship is not what you hoped. Either way, you’re better off knowing. Five months is a long time to feel insecure about a relationship.

  • November Gray

    Thank you for your responses:)
    Badger Nation, those weeklong-visits-across-national-borders work out like this: he researches and suggests me some possible dates, asks me to think about it and offers to pay for it himself. However, I am not always comfortable with him paying non stop, so I insist doing it myself sometimes. I cannot afford it always (I wish I could), but I feel so bad when he pays. He’s even looking for some extra jobs now (I hope I didn’t get him all bankrupt) and wants to take me to a place I promised my granddad I’ll visit (far far, expensive expensive)… He wants to get a bigger flat as well for some reason. So, lets hope it’s for that and not for my flight tickets…
    Anyway, Merry Christmas:)

  • Dunno

    Hi! I really like you posts. I have a really complicated situation too. I met this guy on facebook, he friended me. We met in person after two weeks of exchanging messages. We have never talked about just being a hookup or never having a relationship. He has a lot of friends that are girls and i can tell he likes all the attention. When i post on facebook he comments things that imply that he think am attractive. I have NO doubts that he likes me he is always telling me that am pretty, attractive. He shows some of this signs but mmmm still not convince. He told his friend that am his special friend and then when he talk to me about his friend he said ” if you ever meet him don’t tell him this that am going to tell you”. He doesn’t text a lot.

  • meggie06

    Susan,
    So there’s this guy that I have liked for a long time and he never really liked me back. And suddenly he emailed me on fb and told le to text him. So I did and he ended up coming over the next night and we watched a movie and ended up hooking up. No alcohol involved. But he stayed with me every night for a week and we hooked up a couple times but not every night. Well he ended up moving 2 hours away for a job and we text all the time and he says he wants me to move there with him and keeps asking and asking. I’m not sure if I was used for a ride or if he actually likes me and really wants me to move up there or what. I’m not sure what to do.
    I really really like this guy and I’ve known him for years I’m just in desperate need for help!
    Also he says he has trust issues due to being “screwed over” so many times. What’s up with that?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @meggie06
      This is a strange story – basically I would say that he has not done anything to indicate that he would be a good boyfriend, or be good in a relationship. Why would he ask you to move after hanging out and hooking up for a week? I don’t know whether he used you and wants more, but it seems like he is asking you to make a big change without putting in any effort himself. Does he express love and affection? Does he drive to see you every weekend? It makes zero sense to even consider a move like that unless the two of you are in love and want to make your relationship a top priority.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Dunno

    It’s clear that this guy loves to flirt and enjoys interacting with a variety of women. He may find you attractive, but that doesn’t mean he wants to pursue a relationship. Don’t take the flirtation as indication that he likes you, unless there are specific actions that back it up. He sounds very confident, so if he is interested he will pursue. Just be careful about who else he may be pursuing at the same time.

  • meggie06

    Yes it is very strange. He tells me he misses me and little stuff like that and no he doesnt come and see me because the job he has he works 7 days a week. Do you think I should ask him why he wants me to move up there?

  • Amanda

    Hi!
    I was looking for signs to tell if this guy likes me and i came across your list, i really like it and think its accurate but my current situation doesnt fall under most of the signs which left me confused.
    My friends saw me meet this boy at a small get together and tell me they think he genuinely likes me but i feel that its because he is a lot nicer than my ex.
    When I first began talking to him it started on a hookup level which i was okay since i was coming out of a bad 2 year relationship, but after seeing how nice this guy was to me

    examples: always responds to my texts/calls immediately, brings me around his friends, still talks to me after i fell in a pile of snow out of drunken clumsiness, shares common interests, kisses my forehead

    i couldnt help but start liking the guy, but being over protective of my feelings i told him my new years resolution was to not have a boyfriend and no love in 2011.
    now i dont know how to take it back… im not sure i want a boyfriend but i want him to know not to be afraid to tell me if he likes me.

    HELP!

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Amanda

    There’s no easy way – you must tell him how you feel now, and why. You must explain why you changed your mind. And you must also learn how he feels. If he is afraid, you will have already reassured him. If he is not interested in a relationship, the sooner you learn that the better. Good luck!

  • J-girl

    So I met this guy a couple of days ago at a club and we danced all night and then he came back to my flat with me and some friends and watched a movie. We then hung out the next day, but I ended up going to his place and meeting his roomates and we stayed up all night talking. Last night he came over to my place and the same thing happened, but we ended up hooking up. I’m kind of worried now because at first I was only interested in a casual hookup but he is such a nice guy, and we have spent the last couple of nights just getting to know each other and just laying in each other’s arms talking all night. After we hooked up he stayed for like four more hours trying to get to know me and cuddling with me, and during our conversations he would randomly touch my arm, hair, kiss me, etc…  How do I know if he is just interested in hooking up or if he may eventually want more?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @J-girl
      You’re going to have to ask him. I understand if you don’t want to ask too early, but I figure if you hook up early, it’s fair to ask how he sees it.

      It sounds like he is pursuing you enthusiastically. Now that you have hooked up, he will either back off or continue his interest. If he still wants to come around, and you think you want something more than casual sex, I’d try and schedule time to hang out without sex. Daytime dates, etc. If he’s not really interested in spending much time together, except for sex, you’ll have your answer.

  • Florence

    @ Amanda
    If you want him as a bf, you have to tell him. Remember, boys can’t read your mind. If he leaves you, then he was never in for the relationship at the first place. If you continue seeing him this way, you’d only be making yourself a bad favor in falling for him deeper. Remember, men can compartmentalize b/w hooking up and love. If he doesn’t agree or tells you that he is unready/unsure if he wants to be in a relationship, you might just have to let it go. As Susan said “the sooner you learn that the better”.
    .
    “now i dont know how to take it back… im not sure i want a boyfriend but i want him to know not to be afraid to tell me if he likes me.”
    – You might have to figure out what you want first before asking him to do anything.
    .
    Ask yourself: Do I see myself with him in the long term? OR Do I feel like I am falling for him because of the attention he is giving me now?
    I hope this helps.
    -Florence

  • ophelya

    Hi!
    I was wondering if you could shed some light on this situation…
    After a horrible breakup with my boyfriend, I met a guy at a party a few weeks afterwards. The first week, we just stayed up all night talking online, and when we finally hung out again, we had sex. That was four months ago.
    We spend every weekend together (either he stays over or I do) and we say that we like the other person a lot, have mutually good sex (we’re both very physical), have met each other’s family, and he’s met my friends and made an effort to impress them. He tells me that sex isn’t the only reason he likes me, and thinks I’m a good person. We go out and hold hands, he pays for me, etc etc. We text each other every day, and call every other day.
    However, I’m still distrustful of guys (after my ex) and don’t know if I’m capable of being in a relationship. I don’t ask him if he’s dating anyone else or how he spends his time (I really don’t want to know).
    What does this sound like? FWB or more…? And how can I tell him about my concerns without seeming like I’m blaming him, or scaring him off?

  • susan

    Ok, I feel like im getting really mixed messages from this guy. So, we have been dating since mid november (but keep in mind that thanksgiving break and a month apart during winter break are included) We texted all over january winter break, like he was super sweet and cute and really made an effort, calling me on the phone as well. when we came back to school, we hung out on that monday night and everything went back to normal. that wednesday he asked me to sit with him at this all faith mass at my school, but he had to rush off right after bc he had a meeting (he is really busy, has two jobs) he didnt text me till friday at 7:00 asking “what r u doing tonight?”
    me: just chilling out in my dorm for now haha what are you up to?
    him: same thing
    me: we should hang out :)
    him: Ill check my schedule ;)
    me: haha well if u can find the time stop by borrego 2nd, im the only one here

    this is when i get annoyed.. he doesnt respond till an hour and a half later..

    him: ahh where is everyone?
    me: not sure where kara is, but my other two roomates are at my friends house, i had to skype home bc of family stuff, now just relaxing :)
    him: everything alright?
    me: yeah, its ok now :)
    him: okay good. R any of them coming back tonight?
    me: kara is, but later i think, my other two roomies are not
    him: gotcha. I take it u bored?
    me: yeah kinda haha, come hang out if ur not busy:)
    him: I’m kinda busyy:/ ill try a little bit later
    me: haha ok (this was at 9:06pm)

    11:18 pm

    him: coming in 10
    him: R u up?
    me: yeah, im in my friends room haha, leaving soon, come in 10ish min?
    him: ah can u get over there now. I needa go to bed soon:/ sorry
    me: yeah sure haha im back
    him: K see u in a bit

    we hung out and it was once again back to normal, talked, cuddled, kissed, then he had to leave bc he had to run early in the morning (he does track)

    nothing sat, nothing sun.. so sunday night i texted him
    me: hey ___ hope the retreat went well :) goodluck on the sunday night homework! (his job had a retreat for teambuilding kinda stuff on sat and sun)

    he never responded

    tuesday we had a club fair at out school, and i was there with my business frat and to look at the other orgs. , he was there too and we by chance we able to talk and he hugged me when he saw me and kept purposely running into me. after by chance again (we didnt text to meet) he saw me sitting outside reading and joined me, and we hung out for like 20 min.

    thursday we saw each other my chance again when i was walking to office hrs and he was biking from class. he saw me from a ways away, got off his bike and came up to me and hugged me, sweetly talking to me, we talked for a while, and before we parted ways he gave me a really good hug and a kiss on the forehead. he asked what i was doing later, and i told him about my plans to go to a screening of a snowboarding movie with my friend and he said sincerely that he hoped i have a time and he would see me later

    still no text from him
    the entire week, he didnt text me, not even when the weekend came. nothing (i was the last to text on sun night..)

    im not going to text him bc i cant tell what is going on..

    whenever we hang out he tells me how much he likes me.. and i feel like its sincere bc he is kinda of a quiet more reserved guy, not someone who is fake outgoing.

    i dont know what to do.. i mean i like him, but sometimes i feel like he sends such mixed signals and i feel strung along, waiting for him to do something.

    also, over january he told me how he wanted to take me on a date.. and that hasnt happened since we have been back at school for two weeks..

    how do i tell if he wants to stop dating me? i thought we both liked each other,but i feel like he doesnt care anymore.

    im not going to text him at all, so im interested to see how this is going to play out. i hate drama, so i dont want to confront him.

  • wxrunner9109

    ok, here’s my situation….
    I’ve known this guy for two years. We’ve actually been pretty good friends, go to the same university, live in the same apartment complex, and go to the same church. Well he asked me out on a date, and we had sex that night. That is something WAY out of character for me, but it just sorta happened. A few days later my roommate and I went to his apartment and hung out, and he asked if I wanted to be “fuck buddies”. I’m assuming this is the whole friends with bennifits deal? We are the only ones that we are sleeping with so it is a mutally exclusive sex “relationship thing” (i don’t know what to call it.) We also have some sort of communication/contact every day…. text, facebook, face-to-face.

    Our first few times together were kinda that “booty call” sex, but then it has kinda shifted to more passionate, almost intimate sex. He’s started to add more kissing, he’s now clasping hands, and being snuggly with me. I have feelings for him, but i’m having a hard time reading him and I think it’s too early to drop the bomb on him, so to speak, and tell him how I feel. What do you think? Could the change in the way he is having sex with me be indicative of his feelings toward me? thanks!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @wxrunner9109
      It could be indicative of that, but you won’t know until you ask him. I am not a believer in the concept of “dropping the bomb.” You could simply observe that the sex has changed. When he’s being super intimate, comment that he’s acting like a lot more than a fuckbuddy and see what he says. You can’t afford to keep doing what you are doing and hope for the best. You have feelings for him, so any time you spend in a dead end relationship is bad for you. You need to clarify asap.

      Guys often say that they enjoy intimacy in the moment, but that it doesn’t change their desire to stay single and pursue other women. Men are capable of this – women much less so.

  • J-girl

    Thanks for the advice Susan. I took it and me and the guy have now been exclusive for three weeks… best three weeks of my life to be honest. I’ve never felt like this before about a boy… ah, it’s like I’m on cloud nine. But anyway, I know he’s into me, but when I asked him what he considers us yesterday he didn’t really know. Just that we were exclusive, but not necessarily in a relationship. I’m confused again… do you think that means he is not as into me as I am to him. Because I want to be his girlfriend, but he said he needed time to make the decision himself without me forcing him into it. Why do guys play these mind games…

  • Rick

    Looks like guys aren’t represented here. Unlike many of the posts on this blog, I think this actually has some overall rules. Actually one rule.

    If he lets his guard down, he’s interested. Almost every guy I know or have ever known will do this. Beyond that it varies on a case by case.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Rick
      Thanks for leaving a comment, I appreciate your taking the time to visit several of my posts!

      If he lets his guard down, he’s interested. Almost every guy I know or have ever known will do this.

      Ooohhh, that is a really useful insight. I’m bookmarking this.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @J-girl,
    It’s not necessarily a mind game, it may be that he just isn’t sure. That’s reasonable. Focus on hanging out and getting to know one another. Don’t pressure him in any way – that’s going to backfire. I know you don’t want to waste your time, but it sounds like he needs more time, and that’s not surprising after only three weeks. Be patient, and if it doesn’t work out, move on.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @ophelya
    My apologies, I just found your comment here – sometimes they slip through the cracks. I would be totally honest with him – let him know that it’s not personal, you’re still healing from your breakup, and it will take a long time to build trust. Even if you’re not sure how it will play out, you obviously want to try and make a go of it, or you wouldn’t be worried about scaring him off. Tell him that, he needs to know what you are really thinking. I’m sure your hesitation comes through anyway. Even though you say you’d rather not know what he’s up to, at some point you will know, and it may be hurtful. Communicating what you are feeling now and finding out what he’s thinking is the best way to prevent that – for both of you.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @susan
    Apologies to you to, I didn’t realize you had left a comment on this thread! Listen, I agree that you are getting super mixed messages. This may have played itself out by now, but in general I tell women that if you have to wonder if a guy likes you, he doesn’t. At least not enough. Reserve your affection for someone who’s not keeping you hanging. This guy’s behavior isn’t unusual for a college guy, but it’s not the behavior of a guy who’s officially dating either. If this is your boyfriend, he’s not acting like a very good one. I know you don’t want to confront him – in which case I would totally pull back. If he comes running, ask him what the hell. If not, you have your answer.

  • ophelya

    @susan,

    thank you for responding! i was wondering what you think of his actions? do they seem like he cares as more than just fwb?

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    ophelya,
    What you describe sounds like a full-blown relationship to me, not FWB. Spending every weekend together, meeting family and friends, daily contact – these are all behaviors of a couple! So I would be very surprised if he is not emotionally invested. I encourage you to bring this up soon.

  • VS

    Susan-

    I met this guy a month ago and he has become my FWB. The first night that we hung out, I implied that I wanted something with no strings attached. Since then, we have hung out a couple times (during the weekends because we both have careers) and I can’t figure out his motives. For instance, the sex has changed completely. It has turned into something more passionate and intimate where he actually cares for my wants/needs. When I mention other guys, (i.e. my ex) he’ll tell me that he doesn’t want to know or he’ll playfully make fun of the guy. He has told me that no other girl has come over to his place and he’s not the type to lie (there was a toothbrush at his place and I said I didn’t know who has used it). He’s also invited me to places and offer to pay for me. Also, he has cooked for me several times whenever I come over. I’ve recently met his friends and he even mention that I need to come over more often in front of them (I rebutted by telling him to invite me over more). Whenever I talk about guy friends, he always wants to know more, or if they’re gay. Also, the last time that I saw him, I told him that I needed to leave at a certain time. He replied that he didn’t want to think about it because he didn’t want me to leave, then asked what I thought. FWB has also asked me to bring my dog over, since we’re both dog lovers. These are just some of the things that confuse me since we are only FWB. I recently got out of a horrible relationship so I am not ready for anything serious. However, I am “crushing” on this guy, but just want to understand him a little better. Help, please!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @VS
      Here’s the thing. Guys act like this when they’re really interested. The question is, interested in what? If a guy knows that the is not committed and can pull back at any time, or have sex with someone else, he may thoroughly enjoy your company in all the ways you describe. It may signal a desire for something more, or it may be his idea of heaven just as it is. There is only one way to know, and that is to bring it up. Since your feelings are changing, it’s a good idea for him to know that too. It just doesn’t work to spend this kind of time together and have no idea what the other person is thinking, especially if you find yourself bonding with him.

      It sounds like you are in your 20s. Don’t waste time in a dead end relationship. By the same token, don’t waste time holding back from someone you could really love.

  • perplexed and frustrated

    Hey Susan,

    Was wondering if perhaps you could help straighten out my thoughts. I’ve been seeing a guy for almost 5 months now. At first it started as FWB. We had a few talks, always initiated by me, regarding “us.” The result was always the same: only FWB or spending time together, cuddling until one of us finds someone else. During the first few months, from what I know, he met up with different girls but since New years, it has only been me. WE haven’t talked about “us” since last year but things seem to have changed…and yet they’re the same. We spend huge amounts of time together, I stay at his place for days on end, sometimes up to a week, he gave me his key to his apartment, we do everything together, including grocery shop and stupid “baby ad marriage jokes”. From what I know he is a very or used to be a rather promiscuous men who “likes variety”. According to him now, he hasn’t been with anyone for two months. When I asked him why, one of the reasons he gave me was” you are very time consuming and are enough, my meeting up with other girls would not make you happy.” I tried to pursue the topic further by asking why he cares about my happiness all of a sudden, nothing seemed to stop him from meeting other girls just two months ago. He gave me a rather vague and useless answer which I cant even remember. The point is, we spend so much time together, he shows me he cares in numerous ways, wants to take me out, on trips, do everythign with me, his friends and mother know of me and he alwys tries to make me happy. Idon’t know what to make of it all. He told me he is very good at compartamentalizing things and im not sure of the extent to which he does so with me. Does any of this mean more than just “FWB”? I do not want to start a conversation about us again, because I see no point. It feels like a relationship but its undefined. Would he not want to define the relationship if I meant something more to him than just a companion and someone to kill time with? Are there any signs im to look out for? Can you please give me your take on it, because despite that I am tryign to convince myself that it is all nothing and stick to the initial outcomes of our conversations, I can’t help feeling confused as I think his actions often betray his words. OR maybe Im just reading too much into it all? PLz help!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @perplexed and frustrated

      one of the reasons he gave me was” you are very time consuming and are enough, my meeting up with other girls would not make you happy.”

      This is very interesting. First he says that you are enough. Secondly, he expresses that he is willing to forego other women because it would make you unhappy. It sounds like he is definitely more than FWB, but he also sounds like he is slow to commit. You have two choices – if you need to know right now exactly what he’s thinking, you have to ask. It sounds like you’ve considered that option and ruled it out. That leaves you with taking a “wait and see” approach, or giving him more time. You do need to make sure there isn’t a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, though. If he wants to stay uncommitted, he owes it to you to tell you if he gets with some other woman. And you should reserve the right to do the same thing.

      My guess is that he is enjoying your company and wanting to spend time with you but might balk if pressed for a commitment. Only you can say at what point you need to define the relationship. I’d say let it go for now, but stay alert to red flags or any signs of disinterest, attraction to other people, etc. And don’t wait forever – at some point he needs to go all in, or you’re just wasting your time.

  • perplexed and frustrated

    Hi Susan,

    its me again…So I wasn’t able to hold out long and i confronted the man and we had a small talk about “us.” He hates such talks, in any case, mentioned that he is quite perplexed and confused, because he did not expect things to progress the way they have. We started off as fwb but his gut obviously deceived him. He said he likes me, lvoes spending time with me, etc etc, but a relationship would not be wise as our future is so uncertain (I may have to leave the country in a few months for school and he is also not sure where he will be). However, if we were at the same place, there is a chance of “something more developing” (whatever that might be). It is all fine and good, I suppose I can understand him but I can’t help feeling disappointed. I sort of thought he would either go all in, in which case, I would and could include him in my life plans and find a way of staying in the country and we could work on being together, or all out, in which case I could do whatever I please and know I am free. We did, however, manage to establish that we are exclusive, but it is still a form of undefined relationship. We are together but we are not. I think that in view of the way things have developed, he could not expect me not to want to be exclusive and, as he said, “it comes with the territory.” So..is he just playing around, being comfortable with me until he finds someone better who comes along, or would he not mean what he said and waste as much time. IS there a way to tell? Any advice?

  • how does this work

    i’ve known this guy for a long time. we both have similar heart breaks and still fall for the ones we loved. but for some reason we end up hookingup.but he discussess that he is inlove with this same girl who is mu friend and she ddoesnt want to be wih him because her friends and family dont like him. im a committed person wheb it comes to relationships blahblah blah. im loving and al this other stuff but for some reason when im singal this freind and i always hit it off. but its kept secret…he hooksup wih other girls and does not keep it a secretn he says its for our friends sake. does this mean he doesnt want the girl to think he likes me?does he even. love has failed me and im ready to put it aside until i graduate college. but i do like him. i dont want a relationship but i want to be liked by him. last night we madeot and stuff. he sqid he wasvhorny cuz hes been having sex lately. i dont really care cuz i dont love him. im a flirt bt not a slutty flirt i dont go to boy to boy to makeout with. he hsnt txd me. now i knw he dsnt hav a qwerty keyboard and i knw i dnt annoy him cuz im chill but i like him. does he evenvslightly like m? i knw this might just be a for fun thing which imvfine with begause im singal and i lve cuddlikg and kissing. srry for spelling im tryin to rush.this one time he said we shoule get married he said he was kind of serious. he said he thinks mqrrying a friene would be nice i asked him ifvwed date first and he saie yes and i asked if hed fheat and he said no.so im just confused i just wantvto know if he likes me and how i can play this right

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @perplexed and frustrated
    The truth is that any relationship that isn’t a full commitment (marriage) lasts only as long as both people want to be in it. At any time either of you could meet someone you like more.

    It sounds like your future locations are very uncertain, and he’s being careful not to get carried away in view of that. Surely making life plans around one another would signify an intent to marry – that you are “the one” and it sounds like after such a short time, he is in no way ready to say that.

    If your current situation isn’t making you miserable, and you can enjoy the relationship for what it is, then I’d see where it leads. He has said he is willing to be exclusive, which is a good start. If you do wind up in the same place, you can pursue the relationship. If you don’t, then it sounds like the relationship would probably end. You need to decide what the risks and payoffs are and whether you can live with them.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @how does this work
    This sounds like a complete dead end. I cannot see one good thing about it. Walk away. In general, it’s not helpful to hook up with people who are in love with someone else.

  • hopeless romantic disaster

    It’s this guy transferred over to our school in like the beggining of the year in 2010. Every girl at my school was totally head over heals for him and I was too. I mean it was like love at first site with me but I’m really not the type thats comfortable around boys especially if i like them. So I acted like I didnt fancy him like everyone else which i think is why he showed me some interest from the start. He flirted with me on and off ans showed minor signs he liked me but I never caught cause really i didnt expect someone as popular as he was to like someone like me who was low key. So school was soon over and i stopped going a week before school turned out and he wasnt aware of me doing it but i didnt think he would care. So I didnt hear from him over the whole summer saw him a few times around the neighborhoods but that was it. The whole summer I was mostly thinking about him and skeptical about all the times we was in school and looked on random sights about signs of him liking me and they seem to match. School started and he seemed angry with almost as if he held some type of grudge. I still dont know why I thought he would be happy to see me. And we never spoke until like two weeks. We was issued lockers. He randomly used mine and said he would get his own soon. We flirted with eachother and sorta got friendly with one another. So I let him them a month and a half later, he slowly started to be distant with I didnt know why but I was curious. He never went to the locker when I did he waited off from a distance until I was gone. He use to give me looks like I was doing something wrong when I was near him. I noticed and it really hurt my feelings. I asked somebody was he dating someone to be curious because he shouldn’t be that close to me like he is. They said yeah he suppose to be with her (they told me who she was) but he didnt claim her. Then right after that he went to her and went to her locker and he paid her attention and totally avoided me like i was nothing and it did hurt. He really didnt know that I liked him but I never caught on that he liked me but then all of a sudden i noticed liked him but it was too late. So the girl didnt like me she picked cause I guess she was threatend by me but there was no need cause I had made up my mind to let him go. As soon as I avoided him for a while he came running back in my face. He pursued me alot and made his actions very strongly that he liked me and was into me and I was confused because he was still involved with her. It took me 4 months of him running me down until I made up my mind to let him know I liked him. He was happy at the moment he had a conflict at school could attend at that moment. So I seen him here and there. After I didnt see him for like a month and a half. I dont know what I had did but i didnt understand. I was straight forward with on letting him know my feelings. So another guy got involved we was just talking from hereand there and my crush had found out. He started to pay me more attention starting where he had left off while in school. But again he’s still involved with her. They aren’t in a relationship but she’s romantically involved with him. So now he’s irritated because he wants me to tell him how much he means to me again like i did while we was in school. Becuase he feels threatend I guess and like he feels he’s losing me. My question is does he really want me and is it legit? Why can’t he tell me how he feels, instead of wanting me to put my feelings on the line and pleasing him? Im curious and feel the same way as he does, but he doesn’t seem to care. I want to tell him he has nothing to worry about but last time I did he ran away and I thought I scared him off or lost him. So I dont know what to do. He wants to give up but I don’t want him to.

  • CS

    hi Susan

    i was in an relationship which was not working i meet another guy online talked for about a week or two before meet seem to get along ok was alot of physical chemistry between us and could make me lauth seemed nice meet a few times ended up having sex with him he know i had boyfriend explained situation to him that we was pretty much over for years and that we was like friends and that i was going to end it though meet up about 5 times before i managed to end with bf seemed still to get along ok but most times we meet up ended up having sex would go for odd walks,watch tv, kiss after sex etc talk abit seemed to be going ok still was asking if i dumped my bf yet and when said no i want to but it very hard to said i was a big chickens though i had ask him to meet up most of times and only talked to him on msn and if i would txt him he mostly txted me back
    so i eventully dumped my bf and told him that asked if he still want be with me had suppose be meeting him that weekend as i had told him that planned to end it with bf which i did but then he said he was busy and said he had went to ireland on wesday was gonna be back on monday away as needed a break suppsely family problems was getting to him but did not tell me what so i left few msgs then did not heard much back until friday night had asked if i wanted meet him the next day near where i live and if wanted to be with him then that was fine so i said i did and went meet him went for a walk hold my hand and had kiss but ended up went back to his house spent weekend there sat watch tv offered to buy me food for dinner but did not know what wanted so got an takeaway things seemed fine watched tv ended up in bed still kissed and hugged me but mostly i had do it first said i should go home on fri night late on as i had not told my mum about us know i was seeing someone but thought it was an friendship i did not like the idea and i felt like he was trying get rid of me so then on Saturday i was in bad mood asked me what was up said nothing then kept asking said i had wanted to stay said it made sense to go home and tell mum and that he would try see me next weekend so we went for a walk and then i was suppose to go home but could see i was still mad so end up he said i could stay though was like i don’t know if got enough food for us both(was near a shopping centre and i know he had some food in it) but he said ok can stay and went and got some food though he seemed abit less affectionate but still was some affection but he kept txting said was woman friends but it was annoying as was most of night until later on he turned off phone went to bed hugged into him watched tv went to sleep odd kiss hug etc so then on sunday i was still abit mad as did not say anything about the txts though could see i was mad kept asking what was wrong said nothing eventully gave up and did not kiss or hug me until i kissed him so went out for a walk then pretty eary he said i should go home coz of buses and such gave me an hug and kisses before i got on train said see me later though still don’t txt me unless i txt him speak mostly on msn i have asked him if he thinks moved to fast or what he thinks about me says that Ive to stop worrying we don’t really talk about much but when together he will make jokes and tease me very touchy feely in public but never really said he liked me or said i look good or such asks odd time how iam, what been up to though since Sunday not been on msn much as he says he has family thing to sort out and could take all week txt him a few times txted bk but never txts me first or never has called me sorry for long msg but basically do you think this guy is interested in me or just after sex ?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @CS

      i was in an relationship which was not working i meet another guy online talked for about a week or two before meet seem to get along ok was alot of physical chemistry between us and could make me lauth seemed nice meet a few times ended up having sex with him he know i had boyfriend explained situation to him that we was pretty much over for years and that we was like friends and that i was going to end it

      I think he’s just after sex. It sounds like you have a poor track record of faithfulness in relationships, so he would be foolish to count on you for anything serious. Stop cheating, stop having sex with people you don’t know, and stop causing crazy drama.

  • CS

    also forgot to say that when was out on a walk a woman went by he commented about her cheast i said was ah right he was like it is an guy thing did your ex not say stuff about other woman i said no he did not he said probably was too scared to and made privite joke we had about my ex that he started i lauthed abit never mentioned any woman again but none went by really then we walked on also he hardly looks at me or holds my hand unless i hold his first

  • CS

    well no i dont first time i cheated on bf or anyone had been having problems for like 5 years tried to talk about it went on same way can understand where you are coming from and i did feel so bad about the way it ended should not have did what i did but thanks for your reply

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Hopeless Romantic Disaster
    Sorry, I just saw your comment.

    Im curious and feel the same way as he does, but he doesn’t seem to care.

    That says it all right there! This guy is not looking out for anyone but himself! Think about how that girl must feel. Is he just using her while he flirts with someone else? He’s also been just inconsistent – hot and cold. Run away fast from any guy who behaves that way. If a guy likes you he should say so and be prepared to act on it. This guy just wants the ego reinforcement of knowing you like him because he saw you as a challenge. He doesn’t seem to care, because he doesn’t care. Not about you, not about the other girl. There is no potential happiness here – only misery for you. Stop all interaction with him, and don’t give him any encouragement. I’m sorry, but that is my advice. He’s bad news.

  • confused

    Hi Susan

    My situation is very complicated. There’s this guy who lives in my building whom I had seen around at the beginning the school year & we’d talk and stuff but we never really introduced ourselves till Halloween night. I hung out with him for the entire night just talking and watching movies, until he suggested we go star-gazing. We did and were laughing and talking a lot until he asked if he could kiss me. I said no several times and he kept asking why until I finally told him I had had a bad experience with another guy in our building (whom he knows). He got serious and said he wasn’t like him, and continued to ask if he could kiss me. I asked why and he said because I was really cute and weird and stuff. After he kept asking I gave in. We made out, and afterward he gave me his #, and for the next few days he kept in touch. We went star-gazing again and he kissed me and held my hand & wanted to know about my past relationships and stuff. A few days later we hung out again and he asked “So what are we?” and he came out and said “I don’t know if I want a relationship cus my past ones have ended badly and well we live in the same building so it’d be awkward.” I was little mad cus it felt like he had given me mixed signals. We still hung out after that until we ended up having a friends w/ benefits thing. Right before the end of the 1st quarter when we were gonna be off for 3 weeks, we decided to end the friends with benefits thing. But as soon as we came back, he texted me and asked me to go star-gazing. When we did he revealed to me that he had been thinking about me for the full 3 weeks and we made out again. It was going on like this for a while, and I was able to let this happen without feeling anything for him, but then I started getting feelings for another friend of mine. So I told the guy I was giving him up for Lent, an excuse to stop making out with him and focus my attention on my other friend. I told him it’d give us a chance to become proper friends and he seemed to like the idea. It was going great until this past friday night @ around 2 am, (we both occasionally get insomnia so we hang out really late) we both wanted to hang out and he suggested we drink (he had said something about me trying smoking & me trying drinking prior to this night). So we did and we were just watching tv and talking. I remember we had a really deep conversation about our lives and he actually asked questions like “Why do you make out with me? What makes me different?”. Then I got sick. He kept asking if I was ok and he brought me water & stuff after I got sick. He let me lay on his lap and then he laid next to me on a couch cus I was getting cold. He held me and kept asking if I was ok and if I wanted to go to bed. I remember I was holding onto him and I didn’t want to leave. He held me really close then asked if he could kiss me. I nodded and we ended up making out again. Afterward he made sure I was ok and if I wanted to go to bed. He picked me up and walked me back to my room. The next morning I texted him & apologized for getting sick. He in turn said no that it was all his fault and that he knew I didn’t want to make out. The probably here is that after that night I feel like I’m getting feelings for him. I remember most of the conversation we had but there are parts that I don’t and that’s what’s killing me. I really don’t know if he feels anything for me. Help.

  • confused

    correction:” (he had said something about me trying smoking & him* trying drinking prior to this night)”. I tend to stick to drinking whenever I have insomnia and he sticks to smoking, which is why he suggested we do this so we could understand each other better.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Confused
    Of course you’re confused! I’m confused just reading about this! It seems like the two of you have been dancing around the real question for ages. If you want to know the answer, you’re going to have to ask the question. I know it’s not easy – but isn’t it easier than doing what you’re doing now, and spending all this emotional energy wondering what’s going on? Ask him how he feels. Or tell him how you feel. You’ll actually feel better just for taking the risk.

  • confused

    Thanks Susan. I guess I didn’t mind doing this for so long cus I didn’t feel anything at the time, but now that I do, it just really messes with me. I just gotta have the balls to straight out ask him what’s going. Thanks again for the advice =]

  • Blair84

    Hi Susan,

    Here is my situation…………i`ve met a guy on a dating website,he lives in another country but that its not a problem for our casual relationship because he always comes to where i am for business,twice a month. And since am new to this kind of relatioship,i thought it was a good thing to start from here and have fun with someone i wont have to run into on the streets or something like that,so……we`ve been chating everyday and having our online satisfaction but since we had our first real encounter,things have changed. The next day was a weekend,i didnt have any plans so was he and he asked me to come over again but in the morning which it surprised me but hey………i said what the hell so i went for it and things were different.He treated me like his girlfriend all day,he even invited his friends over for lunch which was a shock to me but i didnt mind it much,later on in the evening he took me out to dinner and things were hitting up for us,he showed lot of affection to the point of the waiter complimenting me for having such a sweet guy,lol!and the next day he went back home and now things have gone completely way out of hand,he is sending me videos,romantic love songs,calling me 3 times in a day,even more wanting to know where i am or my plans for a day and he is trying so bad to know more about my family but in a cleaver way and everytime i changed the subject he finds a way to sink me in into it again.

    I feel like this is already a relatioship..or am exaggurating things on this one?I need advice on this one before i let him know what i feel with this.Like i said,am new to casual dating so i cant tell the difference at all.:-)
    Btw,he told me that he cant seeing anyone else so i shouldnt either because he doesnt want to have STD`s which was a lame excuse,i mean come on,there are condoms,so its obviously am seeing this like a relationship or am being paranoid with everything?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Blair84
      It definitely sounds like he’s fallen for you, but be careful. I’ve seen many couples in similar circumstances find out a few months in that they had a very different understanding. Some men will go through all the motions of a relationship because it’s enjoyable, but then state that there is no formal commitment. The fact that he wants to be sexually exclusive is a clue – the question is, what do you want? Are you interested in a relationship or wanting to keep it casual? And if it’s the former, how will that work living in two separate countries? Think about what you want, and then find out what he wants. The only way to do that is to talk about it.

  • Blair84

    All i want is to keep it casual,that was the agreement from the start and we made it clear,over and over again.And the reason for me to choose someone far away from here is because i know that casual relationships are not for everyone, so if things can go wrong,then it`ll be easier for me to get out of it and be free knowing that he wont be close by to remind me of my mistakes.Though he treats me nice and everything but i still wont let it grow to something more so i`ll talk to him about it and see how it`ll all work out in the end. Thank you so much for your advice.:-)

  • Paula

    I met a man on Match.com. He asked what I was doing online because he thought I was very pretty. We talked on the phone and from day one it amounted to very “crazy comfortable” (his words) easy conversation. We were like two best friends talking, and nothing was off limits. We talked about sex, our family, our exes, our jobs…. our friends, everything. our bodies, our expectations, just everything.

    We are both 44 years old and divorced a couple of times.

    He would text me flirty messages – we were very comfortable with each other. I shot my own back, and we’d laugh. He’d bark “woof” and I would respond “meow”! It was fun having this easy relationship by phone and text, so we talked about the sex thing and both decided that we should probably “get it over with” because after all, if there’s no physical chemistry, why bother.

    So we met, went home, and did the deed. It was very, very good, for both of us. We were both very snuggly, affectionate after – he actually fell asleep in my arms. (snoring and all)

    Thing is, since he left, we have not spoken by phone.

    Granted, he did text me 2 hours after he left, stating “I had a great time this AM. Just finished working and getting ready to head out for work. Have a great evening.”

    I responded with a nice message back, not flirty, just sweet and told him me too, and hope to talk soon.

    Then, later that night at 10:30, he sent another:

    “Just finished work. Hope you had a great afternoon.”

    Again I said things were fine here and gave him my home # (since he only had my cell to this point).

    Then, 2 days pass, and I get a text from him at 6:40 AM stating:

    Hi – hell of a day yesterday, got home at 3:00 am from work, had 4 appointments, then headed out again for the job. Forgot phone charger and ran out of gas! – great day…. call you Sunday when i get my phone charged again, have a great weekend…”

    And I’m waiting for tomorrow which is Sunday.

    Thoughts? The tone seems to have gotten more formal since sex, yet he’s still texting, yet not calling.

    Phone or not, I would think if he hadn’t lost that comfort, and if he was really interested in me, he would be calling even if from a pay phone. He does travel for work for the next 2 months and then he’ll be home for the summer.

    I could use some advice. If he calls, I don’t know if I should go with the flow or mention something… or wait for him to. I’m uptight because I really could see myself with this guy and I like him quite a bit. But I realize I’m not entitled to anything at this point concerning a “relationship” so I don’t want to come off as needy or pushy either.

    He had told me he was a one-woman man, and before we met he did deactivate his online profile on the dating site. Since then, he has not reinstated is, so i am thinking perhaps (hopefully) he intends to continue seeing me here at home.

    help!

  • Paula

    he also mentioned to me that he can’t tolerate cheaters because both wives cheated on him and he caught them in the act. I had asked him why doesn’t he put a dating ad on for the cities he travels in, and he says he doesn’t go to them often enough to want to have a gf there…. he is looking for someone at home. He is home every 5-10 days for a day, then back out. then this summer he’ll be here. he only lives about 20 min away.

    I’m not sure if i am worrying over nothing…. as i said he’s still texting but he seems almost to be hiding behind those texts where as before he was calling me and i him. I have not chased him or contacted him at all. I wait for contact and then wait to respond for 15 min to an hour to let him know I’m not sitting on the phone, and I am being very upbeat.

    but inside, i’m worried! We only knew each other by computer and phone/texting for a week before we did this! Have I ruined everything? if not, how can I keep him interested in me? Before we slept together i told him i wasn’t a slut and he said he wasn’t either, but if it feels right, let’s try and see. and again, it was very good sex for us both. I believe he was happy with what took place…. now i am second guessing and wondering if he doesn’t think i’m as pretty in person, or the chase is off now because he got the prize, etc…

  • Paula

    as far as your points go:
    he did look me in the eyes, kiss my face, very attentive, held my hand during and after sex, and in the ride back in the car.

    does that matter?
    and he kissed me goodbye a few times deeply before he got out.
    i just feel …. strange! i don’t do this as a rule, and i don’t want to be told i messed up royally now because again, this guy is exactly my physical type in every way, and I thought we were connecting mentally and emotionally too…. then no phone calls. maybe it was his charger left home… a crazy week, i don’t know, but even the tone of his texts is more formal, yet interested.
    help me decipher this, please! I’m going bonkers and getting anxious and I keep telling myself to just sit on my hands and wait.

    i do know he is a very affectionate cuddler by nature and likes public displays of affection and that he certainly made me feel that way when we met.

    but it was one meeting! do you think he will want another? do you think it’s now just a booty call or something more for him?

    If he does call, how should i act? like me, i know, but should i mention any of this or wait for him to and play it by ear?

    what do you think is going on? do you think something has shifted or am i being paranoid!!?

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    VS and Susan,
    .
    “I met this guy a month ago and he has become my FWB. The first night that we hung out, I implied that I wanted something with no strings attached.”
    .
    I was tempted to pretty much stop reading here – if a woman wants NSA, there’s nothing a man can do to deepen the ‘relationship’ unless he stalks her.
    .
    “These are just some of the things that confuse me since we are only FWB.”
    .
    Your examples make it clear that YOU may approach this as FWB, but he doesn’t. Partial blame here goes to romcoms and other cultural tropes where a guy “wears down” a semi-unwilling woman with a Nice Guy beta-bonding script. Given your anxiety and “crushing,” you don’t seem comfortable with the FWB arrangement either.
    .
    I wonder if you ever wanted no strings attached, that saying that was just a negotiating technique or a defense mechanism to keep yourself for getting too attached too early. If you really do want NSA, the right thing to do is bump back on his behaviors and tell him they are inappropriate for an NSA “relationship.” However, there’s a very wide berth between hooking up and getting married, so there’s nothing wrong with getting a little deeper into things if you are feeling more intensity.
    .
    Paula,
    .
    This sounds like a classic case of a guy who’s been burned bigtime, and may want to date a woman but a full-blown integrated relationship is going to be a long-range project for him. If you enjoy his company and aren’t racing to get remarried, I don’t see what’s wrong with taking things slowly. As to the texting, I don’t think wanting to talk on the phone is needy, but obviously his mode of communication isn’t phone chat right now. Bring it up next time you see him, and say that you don’t want to be demanding or a nag but you’d like to talk to him on the phone (make it sound like something you’d enjoy rather than a demand on his time).
    .
    “Phone or not, I would think if he hadn’t lost that comfort, and if he was really interested in me, he would be calling even if from a pay phone.”
    .
    Be careful with this sort of projection where you start putting words in people’s mouths by judging them by your own standards.

  • Paula

    So what you do you take from the tone of his texts?

    The fact that he is sending them at all, however not as often (not “blowing up my phone” like he had before we slept together) is still a good sign, I think. It means that every day or other day he’s sending a note.

    would you think that from reading what i put down that he wrote verbatim he is still interested in me?

    thanks for your help so much. you respond in a really timely manner. i will not judge him, but i don’t want to get my hopes up, and i didn’t know if i should have “a talk” with him about expectations so soon in. i figured i should sit on my hands, tape my mouth, and wait! lol

    thoughts on how you think he feels is appreciated. even if he’s been burnt, when a man likes you, he likes you, no? and he gave me that heavy flirting, that interest, and now, more formal. so what do you think gives? he’s scared? or pulling away subtle?

  • Paula

    and, do you think it would be forward or presumptuous of me to send him a little text to let him know he’s on my mind or hope you’re having a good weekend, etc? something generic? I’m thinking against this action because I figure he already knows I’m interested in him; I slept with him!
    And personally, I think the next move or phone call should be his. However I don’t want him to think I’m dating either.

    Again, the fact that his profile is OFF the dating site bodes well for me. He did not reactivate if after our encounter (yet)….. and mine is also hidden.

    i wish i knew what he was feeling about what we did. But I’m afraid if I ask, I will come off as too “much”….. and he IS keeping (limited) contact, so what to do….?

    i’m almost afraid of how much I could like this man! And I’m afraid to show him too soon.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    Paula,
    .
    I would advise you to take a deep breath, there’s a good chance he’s going through all the same anxieties, wondering if he came on too strong with cuddling-style behavior, etc.
    .
    I think you should wait for him to re-initiate before you send any “miss him” texts or whatnot.
    .
    But personally, I don’t see any red flags. It sounds like he’s just not eager to ramp up quickly into the day-to-day obligations of a hardcore LTR. it’s something you’ll just have to wait out, that’s the price of freedom, the same freedom that gives us the chance to choose our own partners.

  • Kelly

    Hi,
    So I have been in a 3 year relationship that was amazing, but then I came for an exchange program in a different country. 4 Months IN I got really drunk and ended up hooking up with a guy I found very attractive and had some flirty tension with every time I spoke to prior during my time here. Although we didn’t have sex, I felt terrible for my actions and broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years saying I needed a “break”. But then I started seeing the new guy and stopped feeling guilty about it because I was on a break. That break is now a break up because this new guy has caused me to loose all the feelings for the old guy. We haven’t really gone on many dates, but we hook up and sleep together on the regular now. He shows about 8 of the signs you have posted above. He told me straight that he has feelings for me and I told him I do too thus we decided to be exclusive. However this exchange program will end in an year and he and I will go our separate ways to half way across the world. So we made it clear that we a relationship would be pointless. But I am really falling for this guy and I don’t know if he is too or just wanting to a permanent hook up here. He has hooked up with a few girls before he met me here. He also asked me if I would like to have a 3 some with his hot roomate. If he really had respected me and had feelings for me wouldn’t that question not make sense? I don’t know what I should do, or how I should feel. Could you help me out please?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Kelly

      He also asked me if I would like to have a 3 some with his hot roomate. If he really had respected me and had feelings for me wouldn’t that question not make sense? I don’t know what I should do, or how I should feel. Could you help me out please?

      If the hot roommate is male, then he is definitely thinking of you in a primarily sexual way. Men who are emotionally invested cannot bear the thought of their woman having sex with another man. If the roommate is female, that’s completely different, and is all about his fun. The fact that your relationship is mostly just sex as opposed to spending time together outside the bedroom is another clue.

      Overall, though, you’re facing the same problem so many young people face when they hit it off: an expiration date. If there’s no real possibility of a future, and he is deciding to keep it casual for that reason, then falling for him is a bad idea. I encourage you to lay it out for him and see where his head is. Then you can make an informed decision about what you want to do.

  • Kelly

    Thank you so much!

  • Martha

    Hi Susan,

    So there was a guy in my class last semester. He flirted and acted nicely every time he saw me. He tried to find time to make friend and hang out with me but I was very busy with school and other things. We didn’t get to hang out and know more about each other that much.
    Anyway, during the winter break he started flirting with me a lot and I flirted back. We texted back and forth almost every day for the whole break (2wk). He’s good-looking and charming so I thought why not. I was kind of doing it for fun at the beginning. But then when we came back from the break, he asked me out. I went. We hit it off on the first date. He asked again and I said yes. We were pretty intimate after a few dates (holding hands, spooning while watching movies, pecking). He spent a few nights at my place (no sex, just spooning in bed until we fell asleep)
    Towards the end of January, he became very pushy and questioned me whether I liked him at all or wanted to date him. He seemed like he was really into me. He showed most of signs you mentioned above. I wanted a serious relationship and he seemed like a player so I was acting/being very indecisive. He even told me he was hurt that I was very distant. I was scared that he would use me but already falling for him. I still acted pretty distant until early February (no handholding in public, less kissing, I didn’t let him spend a night)
    He broke things off a week before Vday. I played it very cool until a week after I became very upset. So I asked him back and he said no. I was very much heartbroken. He ignored me when I texted or facebooked him. He even deleted our only photo from his facebook. I facebook messaged him saying sorry and thank you for what he has done for me.
    Now, he starts seeing someone else. I still miss him and feel very sad that he’s moved on. What should I do? Is he really moving on? He still doesn’t talk to me as much as before (neither do I)

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Martha
      I can’t tell from your description if he is a good guy who got very frustrated or a player who got impatient. It sounds like he shared his fears with you – were you honest about what was holding you back? Either way, he has already moved on. For whatever reason, it didn’t work out, and you need to move on too.

  • Martha

    I keep asking myself if I was being fooled around? We have mutual friends so we hang out pretty often. I still have feelings for him so I feel/act a little weird when he is around. I don’t know if that even pushes him away from me. Or he is playing mindgame with me?
    very confused.
    is there a chance I can get him back?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Martha

      is there a chance I can get him back?

      I don’t know. I would suggest moving forward with your own life, but remain friendly and keep the lines of communication open. If he is still attracted to you, he may initiate a conversation about your past. Or you could. However, it he has already started seeing someone else I would definitely consider it over. Don’t waste your time wishing for him. It sounds like the two of you are not compatible, or it would have worked the first time.

  • Finally_hooked

    OK – I’m a 29 yr old single guy. I spent most of the last 5 years doing the single thing, dating, sleeping around, etc, mostly because I had my own issues I needed to work out and I wasn’t ready for a real relationship I guess. I now finally feel like I am very confident, happy, and at a great place in my life. I’ve never been happier in fact, and I’m truly ready to receive and give in a loving relationship.

    Last week, I went out with a younger girl (24). I had met her once or twice before (very briefly) through a mutual friend a few years back. I found out she was single and sent her a message on Facebook, so I guess you could say this was basically the first time we had ever really spoke to each other.

    It turned out to be the best date I’ve ever been on. I couldn’t believe how gorgeous she was and how much we connected. I was honestly shocked. We started the night off at 5PM, and she didn’t leave until 8AM the next morning (no sex). We didn’t pass 1st base, I tried my best to respect her. We went to three different bars, my place, went out to a restaurant for late night food, and then she spent the night. We talked about everything. I feel like she already knows everything about me – exposing myself like that on a first date is very unlike me. Normally I would not have done that, but I just didn’t care, I wanted to show her who I was.

    Here’s the issue. I can’t help but now get a sinking feeling she’s over it for some reason. My gut has been right well over 95% of the time in my life, and I just can’t help but get the feeling this thing was over before it even started. It feels like she thinks she is out of my league. I can’t describe it.

    The only evidence I really have to base this on is the following: 1) she’s never made an attempt to contact me but does respond to text messages reasonably quickly 2) I left her a voicemail yesterday about a concert tonight and have yet to recieve a response.

    Perhaps I’m jumping the gun, but I don’t think so. My question is this, should I have cut the date off early and not let her stay over on the first date? Perhaps because we didn’t have sex this has fallen apart…. I don’t know. My next question is this, should I cease communication with her by respecting her decision not to return my call? She mentioned other guys that had tried to date her and she wasn’t interested and found them too pushy.

    Well, until I hear back from you, I’m not doing anything. Hopefully she responds…. looks like I’m finally the one getting it back. Caring enough to write something like this speaks volumes for my interest.

    I’m feeling embarrassed, a bit naive, and finally feeling what it feels like to be on the wrong end of dating. I’m sure I gave away everything on the first date… and blew it

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Finally Hooked
      Hmmmm….you definitely need to step up your game. Hard to say whether it’s too late with this girl or not. First, let me just say that there is no way you can blow it with a woman by staying out late and letting her stay over. That’s a victory for you, not her. Also, no woman lost interest in a guy for not initiating sex right away unless she was just looking for something casual. If she was looking for a hookup, and you acted like a potential bf, that would explain her diminished interest. Either way you need to stop making an effort. Now. Let her come to you. Women don’t want it to be too easy – any whiff of eager or supplicating and our attraction nosedives. It is annoying, I know. But it’s very important to make a woman earn your affection. A little push/pull to keep her on her toes is a good idea in the beginning. I’m not talking about playing major mind games – I’m talking about not laying all your cards out on the table too soon.

      By the way, don’t worry about “respecting her decision.” Consider it her loss and move on. If you are 29, ready to meet someone for a serious relationship, and as much fun as it sounds like from this story, you will be in high demand. You’re smart to go down about 5 years if you can – those women are so fed up with players and guys keeping their options open, they’ll jump at a chance to be with an older guy if they’re looking for a relationship.

      So..radio silence until you hear from her. By the way, it’s just rude that she failed to respond to an invitation to a concert, and you should hold that against her. I also think it’s a bit rude to mention other guys trying to date her while on a date with you. Totally unnecessary. So a couple of red flags there.

      ;alkdjf;alskdf;alskdjf I want to know how this one turns out. Keep me posted.

  • confusedcheika

    Hi Susan,
    I really enjoyed looking at your flow chart. I have a scenario I was hoping you could analyze. I used to hook up with a guy that I had gotten to know a bit as friends first. I thought he was a great guy, funny and nice. We had unexpected chemistry and I felt really into him. Things moved too quickly and even though we both enjoyed eachother, it burned out just as fast as it started. He was sweet and affectionate, which i totally ate up. he was always concerned about my feelings- even more than I was, so he was very aplogetic and seemed to want to be honest because guilt ruined him. But we were hanging out too much, too soon, multiple times a week. It was fun. We weren’t building enough of an emotional connection though, after hooking up, not like we did when it was just a friendship. He would tell me about his past and ask about mine (which I didn’t even want to talk about). He’d want to be involved in my day but sincce he wasn’t my boyfriend I didn’t want to get carried away. What he said and did was misleading, because later on when he said he didn’t want a relationship, in which I agreed, but I felt ambiguous and wanted to just see what happens without labels, so pressure was put on what we were doing. He needed to express this because I was getting kind of attached to him and he didnt wanna do something stupid and have me hate him. However, the attraction still was strong. Even after that convo, we were infatuated so quickly and so much that we met up, he took it back and apologized (this was after a couple days and a couple drinks) cause he couldnt deal with how much he liked me. I felt the same. He even admitted like he felt he loved me (in which i rationally just thought was cute, but didn’t buy cuz it was too soon). We often told eachother how much we really liked eachother throughout the whole hooking up, and it is safe to say the emotions were very overwhelming and surprised me. He never pressured me into having sex, but we did anyway under my request (I wasn’t used to waiting after being in a long term relationship). Making out was great but the sex was a flop from my perspective (I was clearly more experienced). He would sometimes talk about his frustration with his backa nd forth ex, which I really couldn’t care less about. The whole recurrent hooking up fizzled out after the bad sex. He obviously was confused about what he wanted. After not talking for a while, he randomly contacted me and said he was getting back with his ex and he wanted to be friends. I obliged, and told him I went back to my long term ex bc i changed my mind about relationships and would rather be in one. I was unhappy back in the relationship, because I realized that I still liked him whenever I’d see him again.

    After not seeing him for a half a year, we coincidently ran into eachother. He had a lot to tell me, but I guess never an excuse to talk again so I let him vent it out. I was too much in shock to say much. I sensed that he was happy to see me and at least still attracted. He expressed approval of my work and school situation. After a few days, I initiated conversation on i.m. because once again he was on my mind. I was afraid he wouldnt want to talk to me. But he did, right away. I didnt want to hang out with him right away because of the pattern of the past, I declined his invite to hang out post-party. When it didnt work out he told me he’d like to “hang out” again, when the next weekend comes around. I know I can’t but I said ok so I don’t discourage him. But ultimately, I’m not sure what to do because I want something legitimate that I can feel confident about. I don’t want to just hook up with him and repeat the past, with me feeling broken hearted, confused, and our friendship becoming awkward? I also don’t want to be too availablee too soon and be hanging out all the time right away.Why is he coming back when he let me go? Why is he trying again? I thought he’d made his decision… would he had thought about our past first? I’m afraid of being rejected… again… by him. I want it to play out differently, but dont know how…

    Confusedcheika

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Confusedcheika
      You don’t say whether he is still with his ex and you’re still with yours. If so, you’re both out of line! If not, then you might consider seeing him, but you need to have an honest conversation about what you both want, if you know what that is. It’s not often that a good relationship can come out of so much drama and miscommunication in the past. I would definitely recommend not wasting any time on it – and you should be aware of any red flags. The minute he does anything rejecting or hurtful, you should walk away. There are many guys out there – don’t settle for someone who doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t treat you respectfully.

  • Martha

    Thanks Susan!

    I know. It’s hard to tell. I kept asking myself the same- I don’t know if I hurt/confused his feelings or he was a player who got impatient. I held back my feelings because I was scared. To me, it seemed like he cared a great deal about me. I’m from another country, came from different culture and inexperienced. I think he realized that. He was honest to me about many things. He told me about his past relationships. I asked him what his expectation was and he replied with “expectations are not really what I enter relationships with. I try to just start out liking and then let feeling and time decide where it goes.” We tried out for a short while but I was still not very convinced. He lost interest I guess. I don’t know.
    After we broke things off, he remained very friendly and I was also. We still hung out a lot with mutual friends. However, i started to feel really hurt not seeing us together. I told him and he told me to move on without him being more than just a friend. I’ve tried to keep my distance to get better. I felt better so I tried to be friends with him again. I texted, invited him to places; now, he ignored me. I became so confused but still didn’t do anything or talk to him about things (I am very passive when it comes to relationships)

    I don’t know. I’ve been trying my best to be friendly and even initiate conversations with him lately. He’s responded civilly in person but hardly got back to me via other types of communication i.e. texts or facebook or skype (we communicated with each other a lot via all these. we are both in grad school and life is very hectic)

    And you’re right. I should move forward with my life. I even heard him telling our mutual friends that he started flirting/liking his roommate’s sister. He’s always like that. He keeps asking girls out on dates (I know he even asked one of our TAs out). I mean this was probably why I kept holding back my feelings towards him. I don’t know what I should do/ how I should act when I see him. I’m still pretty attracted to him but trying to move on…

  • confusedcheika

    Susan! Thank you for the quick response. :) I really appreciate the advice! I will proceed with caution for sure.
    Just to clarify,
    I’m not with anyone right now b.c i realized i didnt like my bf the way i did before. And as for him, I didnt ask, but I doubt he is. We always chatted about those things in private, in person, and we were in public when we saw eachother. If we hung out we’d talk about it. What really got me was how he reacted when he saw me. I didnt even notice him honestly, and he grabbed my attention and seemed really surprised & energetic. His body language was the same as when we initially began, very zoned in and focused on me, he’d brought up things that reminded him of me, and repetedly showed that he cared and approved of the little things he somehow knew i’ve been up to recently. through the duration of a couple hours he’d keep coming back to me to talk. he’d get close and lightly touch me on the arm in this certain way when talking to me, it was familiar and acknowledging. it got my attention and reminded me of how it used to be.

    I am surprised that after the time apart, he feels ready to hang out again and give even that a shot after such intense emotions the first time. i dont even know if the reason really was the girl. the problem we ran into was after liking eachother so much. that intense chemistry came to a halt with him in bed, he genuinely couldnt perform in bed for more than 30 seconds before…. you know. that killed my mood in particular about him, before the past even came back into the picture. we gave it a chance and it became a few failed attempts on his part. i liked him enough that i would have worked with it & keep trying with him, but after that we never talked about it and he wanted to stop hooking up- i got the impression he was discouraged. kinda gave me an explanation as to why he didnt want to have sex. and for a few weeks we avoided eye contact when it unspokenly stopped. it felt weird that we werent acting all couply– but that might have just been him reacting to the vibes i gave off.

    given the circumstances, im hoping he’d decided what he wants and weighed out the options before even trying to get involved with me again. it took me a lot of time to let go of it… i dont want any drama and would like to keep it simple and sweet- im def not going to even kiss him right away because there was so much pressure from moving fast the first time and i got hurt.. i felt like something was there. it was like we both got scared and ran away to our comfort zones (the ex’s, and his ex would always be trying to talk to him from what i remember, and show she cared, i didnt really do that much =/ i didnt wanna be clingy). there are so many guys willing to treat me right and take me out properly so if he’s not willing i dont want to settle for less- but i find it so hard to find someone i actually like… and i really liked/like him.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @confusedcheika
      You didn’t mention there was a premature ejaculation issue! That most definitely adds a complication – guys are extremely susceptible to feeling like failures with any kind of sexual dysfunction. If you really like him, take things slowly but be clear about your feelings from the start. And don’t even go down that road unless you feel certain he feels the same way.

  • T-licious

    I have had a steady “hook-up” for over two years. Everyone that I know thinks it’s the strangest thing. I talk about him, we spend time together, go out, eat, do the dirty, talk, yadda. But I’ve never brought him around, he’s never brought me around his circle and, while at first I wasn’t sure, now I know and consider him a companion. He’s more than just a hook-up, but not a boyfriend. I think it’s probably perfect, because I can continue to date (and so can he) to find the right one. But several other friends’ comments have made me wonder if we are actually meant to be together, due simply to the fact that we’ve carried on for so long.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    “But several other friends’ comments have made me wonder if we are actually meant to be together, due simply to the fact that we’ve carried on for so long.”
    .
    I’m going to be frank, it sounds like you guys are just placeholding for each other until one or both of you find someone else to really connect with. This sounds like textbook FWB. Your friends may have a point if you two are holding back on going to full partner status due to anxiety, personal hangup, etc, but in my experience people who are “meant to be together” want to integrate their lives and bring each other into their social circles.
    .
    If you are comfortable how you are, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it, don’t let your friends talk you into ruining it by taking it somewhere you don’t want to go. Are you guys actually casually dating other people? I’d imagine that would be very awkward for people you date.

  • Nicole

    Hi Susan,

    you seem to be giving good advice, so here I am with my questions. I separated from my husband 6months ago and am a mother of two little girls. I met this guy that came into my work, and we talked for a while, went back to his house, he cooked dinner, and we just talked the whole night, the night ended with a kiss and nothing else. He also is recently divorced, father of two, he raises his children also, and his ex has them on the same weekends as my ex. We continued to text/talk on the phone for the next couple of weeks, we discovered that he knows my ex, and that i know his family. He would pop up into my work occasionally over these weeks that we were talking (he never came into my work before the first time i met him) We had made plans that the next weekend that our children were with our exes we would spend the weekend together. The thursday before that weekend he came to my job and i took my break and sat with him and we discussed what our situation was. We both made it clear that we only wanted a physical relationship because of both of our busy lifestyles (both being single parents) and because of the possibility of a conflict of interest because he knows my ex. We spent the weekend together as planned and had an amazing time, great sex, great conversations, we laughed and just carried on. My problem is he seems to be giving me mixed signals, because we have such a clear communication on what is best for our situatuation, but he is acting and treating me differently than just a hook up. He wanted to bring me into a family party to meet his family, he wanted me to go out and meet with his friends, he talked to his sister about me and introduced me to his niece. He would get upset every time my phone went off, and kept asking me questions about how i feel about my ex, trying to make sure that we were definitely over. When i was leaving his house, he asked me if i wanted to leave some of my things there, so next time i wouldnt have to pack so much. Since then, he has been texting me consistently every day, showing a complete interest in my life, wanting to know everything thats going on, shows concern for my kids, sends me pictures of his kids and little projects they are working on around the house. I dont want to invest in him emotionally, but at the same time, he is definitely someone i would consider being a part of my life in the future, he has all of the qualities im looking for in a man. I dont know if i should let my feelings come forward or if i should cut back on our communications so that my feelings do not get involved and i dont get hurt.

  • Brittney

    My boyfriend and I are both 19. We’ve only been together for a little over a month. I’ve never been in love and neither has he. I know he likes me a lot because he only dates girls he really cares about. He has only been in a few relationships before me and he’s still a virgin. But I am begginning to fall for him and I want to see if we are on the same page. Is it too soon to tell him I’m falling for him?

  • ruth

    help. im so lost and confused. and im afraid its a long story but i’ll try to condense it.
    15 years ago i started workign with this guy. i was instantly attractted and we became friends. he’d offer to give me lifts and ‘rescue’ me from unwanted attention if i was out. a year after we became friends we had out first kiss and it was perfect. after that we’d kiss and cuddle after work and we’d text and call each other but being 4 years younger i was way too scared to even find out if he was interested in more. as the years went on he had his gf who for some reason unknown to me hated me from the beginning. he wasnt particulary nice to her and it was after theyd broken up we first slept together. i moved away to uni and used to write him letters (which i found out a lot later he had kept them all) and we’d talk on the phone lots. he was there for me when th eguy i was seeing cheated and drove to my uni to see me and just talk all night.
    I moved back home and we started to sleep together occasionally but he was still my best friend. i could talk to him about anything and he could me. then we got careless and i ended up pregnant. he turned into a complete idiot and for various reasons i knew that i was not ready. i moved away and changed my nuimbers and deleted his so i couldnt contact him and he couldnt contact me. 4 years we didnt speak. during which time i married and had a baby. throughout those years tho i missed his friendship and the conversations. so when i moved back i wrote a letter and sent it to where he worked. he called me and i met up with him. he apologised for the way he’d treated me and said hed missed me too. i moved away again and we kept in touch and hed ask me advice on a girl he liked and they eventually got together. i moved back having left my husband and he was there for me as a friend. he dumped his gf and we started sleeping together again. and have been 2-3 timesa a week for the past 3 years. in the beginning it was just sex and neither of us were particularly interested in helping the other. it was just sex. but then things changed. he started to ensure my pleasure and i his. the friendship aspect is still there, he remembers little things i say to him and asks my opinion on things that are important to him. the problem is that i have fallen for him badly and i really dont know what to do or where i stand. i dont want to lose his friendship but id love to be more than just a friend with benefits. my friends think im crazy and delusional that if we were meant to be together then we would be by now. its been 15 years since i first fell for him. am i barking up the wrong tree? he shows some of the above signs but im still in the dark.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      Ruth! I don’t understand. You’ve known this man what must be half your life by now. You’ve had sex many, many times. Why don’t you just ask him? If you love him and he’s just in it for sex and friendship, then you are wasting your time and need to exit that immediately. I have to believe that if he wanted a real commitment he would have locked it down by now, but you’ve put so much into this relationship, it really doesn’t make sense to do anything without having a frank talk first. Good luck.

  • notsurewhatsgoingon

    Hi,

    I’m puzzled by how things are going with this guy and need some advice. We are both in our thirties, we met online, the first time we met in person something clicked just right and literally sparked: a short mid afternoon date ended up lasting for almost 6 h during which we did not stop looking at each other eyes, smiled stupidly, and talked about tons of deep things, discovering we actually share even the most rare of habits, tastes and thoughts. He texted the next day, called within two days and asked to meet again, we have been going out every weekend and all dates felt exactly the same. He seems to be comfortable, does not even make plans ahead of time as his weekend is pretty much free and I select which day/time is good for me. He does not call often as he is busy and is very independent, but call every 2-3 days and clearly says he enjoys being with me and want to keep dating. He even looked almost furious with another guy that approached me in a bar not noticing I was with him. After 5-6 dates we have not be “physical” yet, apart from some kissing, as he seems respecful and somewhat conservative. Because of his work, he’ll be leaving in some months far and for very very long. He said since he can not ask somebody to follow him, he does not want to get romantic as it would hurt him. I said if things flow in a certain direction and it feels right and worthy, my life is flexible… hi smiled wide. I met some members of his family and it was obvious he had talked to them about me. However, he does not respond to my emails or texts when I send them (only 1-2 per week… just to share something or even to ask something quick!), does not seem to care much about learning what things I like, does not seem to want to see me more than once per week, has never complimented me, and his profile is still on the online site (mine is as well…). I know because of the type of job he does he has to be very independent and distanced from others most of the time. I do not know if that would influence his character. After that one serious conversation, the good signs he’s shown, and the short time we’ve been dating (7 weeks) I do not want to ask any more because it would feel pushy and I just want to let things flow and feel natural, but I get confused with some other signals and do not want to drive myself into falling hard for somebody who is not available… I’d appreciate your comments!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @notsurewhatsgoingon

      7 weeks is a short time. He has clearly stated that he likes you and wants to keep dating. He has introduced you to his family. All this in spite of the fact that he knows he has to leave soon. I would relax and be patient. If you like him, enjoy the time you spend with him, and let things develop naturally and without pressure. All relationships carry an element of risk, and you will only ruin things if you need answers too soon. If he doesn’t respond to your texts and emails, stop sending them! It sounds like he wants to set the pace, so let him do the initiating.

      Of course, it would be prudent to keep your own expectations in check. Don’t get carried away with visions of moving somewhere with him to live happily ever after. Try to take it one week at a time, and enjoy the relationship for what it is.

  • notsurewhatsgoingon

    I forgot to say, that conversation ended with him saying that if that was the case (me being flexible…) he wanted to continue seeing me and see how things would go. It is after then that he kissed me and I met his family…so I take he was positive about it.

  • LostWoman

    Hello,

    I have found myself in a situation where I can’t seem to be the smart usual self and make sound conclusions of my situation with a man I met 3 months ago and it is driving me insane. I am 40 and he is 47 and we met through Match.com. I want to mention that he posted on his profile as a last comment ” I am completely available to my future partner and always faithful in a relationship. I’m not into games, drama, or wasting each others time.” I thought to myself that for a man to say it, it is unbelievable and maybe I hit the jackpot.. We both are looking for a serious, committed relationship and we hit it off really well and decided to meet 2 weeks later. Ever since then we’ve met 2-3 times a week and we have really had a great time, he is a gentleman, that I can’t deny. After 1,5 months he took me to a surprise weekend getaway and we seemed to develop a strong bond. We think alike, have similar hobbies and interests and value a healthy lifestyle, we have a similar sense of humor and both love to laugh. Simply, we enjoy life! Being with him seems effortless. He calls every day and sends a text message usually first thing in the morning wishing me a good day and that we’ll talk later and a goodnight text. He takes me to places and always pays, I’ve tried to pay and he always declines, almost as if he’s insulted. He says he wants to do it and if makes him feel good to do things for me, no matter what they are. 3 weeks ago was my 40th birthday and he was asking if I have any plans, and honestly the b-day kind of snuck up on me and I had no big plans for the day. He said good and to not book anything for that weekend and that I’ll find out the morning of what we’ll do. He had arranged a 3-day weekend spa stay in one of the most expensive spa’s in the country with treatments for every day, and everything planned and paid for. We didn’t want to leave, it was after a very stressful week of work for him (he had to lay off people:(), and it was great to see him relax, we just had a wonderful time and didn’t want it to end. This b-day cost him a good 3K, at least with everything. I was worried about the cost being so high and he said that I deserve it and that it’s the best money he’ll spend and he gets to spend that time with me, which to him was the best thing. We became intimate and being with him seems so right. He keeps planning things for us to for us to do in the future and always uses “we” term when he talks, has ever since we started seeing each other. He is kind of quiet, but has no problems talking about things/issues. I guess the correct word would be calm rather than quiet.I have no problem with that, but it makes it harder to read him. He is super encouraging (getting my Master’s and working) and helps me with things and gives advice. He is always complementing me for my appearance and for working so hard. I feel like a queen with him. I introduced him to my best friend and her husband and my family last week, everyone loved him, but there is one problem. I found out through a match.com e-mail (sending me possible matches and he was one of them!), that he still has an active account and visits it regularly. I never resubscribed to mine, so I don’t have an account and never saw a reason to do that after things went well with him. Maybe I am naive, but I was a little taken back by this discovery. We never had a “verbal” talk regarding exclusivity, I come from Europe and have different “rules” when it comes to dating and we don’t date multiple people, if you get along and have survived about 5-10 dates, you are an exclusive couple. So, my mistake. I never thought to even have this talk. I felt hurt and thought that why would he still have to search there if he is with me and does all these things with me and plans things in the future. It would seem very unlikely that he’d have the time to actually meet other women, because we spend most of the time together, all weekends, and now even during the week. He’s given his code to get in to his house, when he’s gone (was out of town for business for 4 days and said that I should feel welcome to go there and make myself home if I wanted to, so apparently he doesn’t have anything to hide). None of this makes sense to me and I kind of got upset that day and got mad at him for making plans for the weekend last Friday morning, that wasn’t the real reason why I got upset, it was the fact that he’s on match. I however didn’t disclose to him that I found out about it and just said to him that I don’t appreciate last minute notices for weekend plans. He was visibly upset and kept apologizing and that it would never happen again and that he couldn’t understand where this was coming from(we had seen the night before for dinner and movie and he said he’d call Friday afternoon with plans for the weekend), it was just the upset part of me that took over the better part of me. I talked to my mom and my best friend and they said that it really hasn’t been that long and that I am reading too much into it and that he might be insecure about my feelings and that I needed to talk to him, especially him being the quieter/shy counterpart. So here we come to the word “talk” that I know all men hate and I dread doing it, because I don’t want to ruin anything with going about this the wrong way. I know we have to talk about this, but I don’t know how to do this in a manner, so that I don’t scare him off. He’s never been married, but has been in longterm relationships that have also included the ex’s children.I now I feel like I have been fooled and he’s playing games. I can’t believe that I have allowed myself to be played this bad, but what else can I think? I would like to see this becoming a relationship that leads to commitment, and I am willing to give him another month to make up his mind. After that, I am willing to let him go, if he doesn’t want a relationship, and something more than this. What is a woman do to here???

  • notsurewhatsgoingon

    Thanks for the advice, I kind of think the same but one feels more comfortable when ideas are confirmed by someone from outside the problem, who sees it in an unbiased manner. I just get somewhat offended when he does not answer, as it feels disrespecful, but I can clearly see he wants to rule the pace, perphaps to really get the idea whether this is worth or not rather than jumping into it. I will follow your advice. Thanks a lot!

  • JessieH

    I met this guy about 3 months ago at his work. He asked for my number after having a little talk. He texted me 2 days later and we have been texting ever since. I have to say that this guy seem pretty nice and oddly enough our first date was at a gay club. I was going to the gay club with my friend and I asked him to come hang out with me; he did although he was very afraid at first so I gave him some credits for that. He took me to dinner and invited me over for movies, and we basically had sex on the 5th day ( I made the first move). After that, we still texted often; maybe I was paranoid but I got mad if he didn’t not text me everyday. Well, the longest we went without talking was 2 days and he would text me but after we started having sex, his talk mostly consisted of sex; but other than that, he was always nice to me. He would take me to movie, go out to play pool with me, introduce me to his dad when I came over, be willing to cook for me (because I cooked for him and I guess he wanted to return the favor), and ask me to stay the night with him. He is a busy guy because beside working 40-50 hours a week, he is also doing athletic traning, and he just got out of a 4 years relationship for a few months. The things that got me worried were that we talked a lot about sex (he said that it showed attraction); and we did not hang out as much recently ( he said that because he always had to close in the weekend at 10:30 and when we did, there was not much to do), and that he wasn’t attentive enough since sometimes he didn’t text me for 2 days ( and he said that he was too busy with everything going on.) Some of the things he did raised a red flad and I didn’t want to deal with it any longer so I actually told him that if we weren’t going to have a relationship, I wanted us to stop being intimate. He told me that he understood where I came from, he was trying to keep in touch with me as much as he could, or he was giving me a lot of the free time he barely had. However, the bottom line was ” I don’t have time for a relationship. I like you a lot and you are a good girl but I just can’t be in a relationship rightnow”. I was really upset because I felt like he was lying to me just to keep me around (for sex perhaps). We asked him once about where it was going and if we had a good chance and he said yes. Even though he was willing to go places with me and said that he would always keep his promises, I felt that all the things he said were to get into my pants. So I told him I need time to get over it and he apologized for hurting my feelings. He still wanted to talked to me but I needed time and after a few days, I initiated the conversation to let him know that I got over it and that we could talk. And after 2 days, he texted me again last night and was flirting a little bit and I made it clear to him that I “used to” like his dirty talk and he got the point when he said ” well, I don’t think you do now that’s why I said ‘used to’.” I ended the conversation and didn’t text him back. I actually managed to get over the whole thing and only want to be his friend now but I really just don’t know what he’s trying to do here. Perhaps he is just wanting to be a nice friend or he’s trying to establish some sort of friends with benefits with me. I don’t understand what he is up to but I’m just trying to be a cool friend. What do you think about this whole mess?

  • Kelly

    Hi Susan,
    I wrote a few weeks ago about my confused feelings over the guy I was hooking up with on the regular who claimed to have feelings for me. Well ever since then a lot has happened. He started to show some real affection and then one night we went out and came back home really drunk and ended up having a 3 some with his roommate like he proposed. It was all good and in the end after his roommate he asked me to be his girlfriend. Although I was very confused, I was waiting so long for him to ask me that. And he asked to keep it low key because publicity always brings more problems. I asked him several times if this is what he wanted and he said yes. We spent about a week together that was really good. We showed affection in-front of each other’s friends too. And he even picked me up randomly at 4 am and asked me to sleep over because he missed me. I thought he just wanted to have sex but he didn’t even try, he really just wanted to cuddle. Then a few nights later we were all supposed to go out. I messaged him and called him once and he didn’t answer, so I just went out without him. I arrive at the bar to find him there flirting with other girls. Not just one but many throughout the night. I walked by and he tried stopping me and asking if I was mad. I just said no and asked why he ignored me. He just said he had no minutes left on his phone. Im not sure exactly what else happened through out the night because both of us were intoxicated, but every time he talked to a girl he’d look back at me and smile and every time I talked to a guy he’d do the same. Finally when I was at the bar, the bartender was flirting with me and he came up behind me and said back off that i’m his girlfriend. We started drinking together after that and I went home with him, where he cooked food and we went to bed. I woke up angry about the night and still wearing my clothes so I was confused on why we had not had sex. When he woke up I asked him what we are. And he proposed that we stay friends because he will be gone and being in a relationship will distract him from the exchange program we’re in. I asked him if its because he just wants to hook up with other girls he said no he just wants to mingle. He said our friendship is more important than anything so if I can’t have a physical relationship with him and be friends than we could just be friends alone. I said yes I can’t do that and he got a little shocked and asked why not. Then I agreed to be friends with benefits again considering the one week relationship we had already brought so much tension and drama between us. Then we had morning sex. I don’t understand what he’s thinking in his mind. And I don’t know if I should continue to see him because there is a factor of jealousy now on the table. What I am confused about is that I know he really liked me up until that one night. I don’t know what changed him. I don’t know how to act or react to him. I do want him back as a boyfriend though. Could you please help me out?

  • Quinn

    Ok, I don’t need advice or anything but I just would like to say that I read a lot of these comments and this article is really good. Like honestly it needs to be jam-packed in a book because this is an excellent practical application to all of life’s relationships. I am, and always have been, a genuinely nice guy. I have never had more than one sex partner at a time…and I find it weird I’m usually the one with the pants on in a relationship…go figure. But this really helped me know where I stand and if the girl I am talking with right now is taking me seriously. With that being said, I can personally identify myself in all subject areas 1-10…Pretty much to the last detail even though its a general opinion it is very accurate and I can tell that you are extremely knowledgable in relationships. Thank you, this really helped me to stop worrying.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Quinn
      Thanks so much for the feedback. Please stick around – there is always lots of good discussion on new posts. Grab the RSS feed or sign up for email if you like!

  • Sophie

    I have stumbled up on this post and these comments in the middle of the night in the midst of a time of great personal turmoil…I found myself hoping there were recent posts and I could ask for a little advice and sure enough :)

    I am 24 and just broke up with my ex-fiance of four years. I am a manager and just before the break-up my ex convinced me to hire his friend. Well, right after the friend and I started working together there was some very intense flirting, we even got to the what are you looking for in a life partner conversation (strangely enough we are pretty much exactly what the other is looking for). The night I broke up with my ex (which had nothing to do with the friend I swear!) I found myself at the friends house. I cried on his shoulder and eneded up in his bed. We did end up fooling around (by fooling around I mean kissing, heavy petting, some oral) minimally and he cuddled me all night.

    The next night we had a very intense two hour fool around session in which he told me he is not looking to be in a relationship and that he isn’t sure that I can keep my emotions seperate and that he doesn’t want to hurt me… I told him that I could just have fun and things have been progressing from there…

    Since then we have been fooling around every now and again as well as having some sexually charged conversations via text message. When we do fool around he is VERY attentive to my needs. To further complicate the matter my ex just moved in with him. On Friday he said something that confused me. He said “you are my canvas and I want to paint a masterpiece.” Since Friday he has also been texting me “Sweet Dreams” every night. Also as he works for me we are together all day (it is only a two person office).

    He made plans to spend the entire day with me Saturday and we did, nothing fancy, went to lunch and did a little shopping. We came back to my place and fooled around some more…

    I guess my dilemma is that even though I didn’t know it at the time, I can’t keep my emotions out of it. I feel confused because he does (planning to spend extended periods of time with me outside of work) and says things that seem to contradict his “fun only” statement. At this time we still have not had sex.

    He is going to school to become a doctor and is very driven. I feel hopeful that maybe he does feel more for me than he is letting on but feels like a relationship would distract him from his goals. I also have a sinking feeling that I am going to fall flat on my face with this one…yet I can’t help myself, this is new and exciting and I feel like I have to see where it goes even if I don’t like the outcome…

    Any thoughts you might have on my situation would be immensely helpful!

  • HotMess

    I met up with a guy last weekend that I know casually from church. I have seen him for the longest time, and when I look at him I mess up on the music I’m supposed to be playing (if that’s any indication of my physical attraction towards him). He sent me a friend request on fb, which I accepted. We had light/casual convo online. Anyway, we mutually decided to meet up for a few beers and just chat/get to know one another. I guess that’s a date? I had planned to keep it totally casual and fun, and just get to know him more. Well, after we spent a few hours that passed very quickly – we went to leave, and we kissed, which he initiated. Then… we ended up leaning on his car, then… we were in the car and the inevitable happened. I totally enjoyed it, although I know it was not the best timing. But hey, I’m a grown woman. I don’t sleep around, but it was so difficult for me to keep my hands off of him. He has told me that he finds me to be very provocative and he’s used the word cute. We texted the next day a good bit, and he admitted that he’s horny, which I accept and know – HE’S A MAN! I told him how attracted to him I am. I hadn’t been with a man in over 3 years, in fact, my last relationship was with a woman. I am “hit on” all of the time, and most guys don’t interest me, but he does! I know that I can’t control what he thinks about me after the fact… but, is it possible to establish a more meaningful connection after the “lid is off of the jar”? I would like to keep him interested, and maybe it would progress into more than sex?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @HotMess
      What the research shows is that early sex is not a barrier to a relationship if both parties went into it interested in a relationship. If he is just looking for casual sex, then he’s unlikely to change his mind. But plenty of people in relationships did start out with sex and got to know each other afterwards. It should be clear pretty soon whether he’s interested, and in what. I’d encourage you to ask that sooner rather than later, because his being eager to meet up again for sex says nothing about having feelings. Good Luck.

  • GRITS

    Oh goodness! I’m glad I’m not alone! So here’s my story…

    Start off with i’m 24, the involved guy is 43… we attend school together and have for the past two years. We’ve always been very flirty but I was married and he had a girlfriend who he ended up having a child with. Fast-forward present day and we’ve become booty buddies.

    It all started about a month ago we exchanged information and I eventually called him. I complained that I wasn’t looking for a relationship, just sex but every guy I tried the arrangment with ended up wanting to date. He laughed and said he could easily be a booty call and not want to be a boyfriend and so it began.

    The first week was as expected- call, drive, deed, leave. Perfect!

    Week two, he started having me spend the night. When his daughter, age two, would be over, I’d go over after she went to sleep and leave before she woke up. But when she wasn’t there, we’d sleep in and he offered that I stay there while he went to work and just “lock up before I left”. I turned this idea down.

    Week three, I got introduced to the daughter. And I got invited to the son’s graduation. A conversation arose about me seeing other people. He said he didn’t care but then confided the next day that it would bother him because “he didn’t want to share me because he liked me”. Great! I had started to develop feelings for him too so I told him and all seemed well. Next day he tells me about a girl he’s arranged a date with. This shocks me since we just had the conversation we did and we get in a fight about it.I told him I saw this headed in a bit more of a serious direction and that I was upset. He apologized. Two days I didn’t hear from him and so began week 4.

    Week 4. He finally called and asked me if I wanted to go on a date with him. Let’s add emphasis to DATE here. So we went out. Movie, dinner, and back to his house. Sex as usual. Tons of cuddling while we sleep as usual. And let’s add in my coffee in bed, AS USUAL! His ex ended up dropping off his daughter that morning and so I did my best to avoid her and leave since that’s how things had been. He stopped me, introduced us, fixed us breakfast and told me he would like to see me “bond” with her if I was going to be “hanging around”. Alright. So off to work I went and he texts me asking me back over. We don’t usually do back-to-back get togethers so it threw me for a loop but sure. He asked if I missed him I said “no but my aims getting better” and he texted back “well I’ve missed you”. I told him if it counted or anything I had spent all day thinking of ways to bond with his daughter and he told me that that meant alot. So spent the night that night, no sex. Next day was my birthday. Breakfast in bed. Spent all day with him and her and then ate with my family. He called and told me to meet back at his house for my birthday dinner. He ended up cooking my fajitas and made me a homemade cake which he pointed out he had never done before for anyone. We all ate dinner and at this point daughter and I have bonded quite well. After bath-time we all pile up in bed, watch a movie, and fall asleep. We end up waking up putting her in her crib, and fall back asleep. No sex. (For being booty buddies… the booty is starting to lack.) Wake up this morning. The three of eat breakfast, have coffee, and the he and I take her to daycare. On the way there he tells me tonight is the night of his date we had fought over and that he tried to move it to the day time but the girl said it wouldn’t work for her. So he was meeting her at the movies. There would be no dinner. He was not paying for her ticket and it was not a date. In fact, he wanted me back over tonight after he went to the movies. I showed hesitency just because the situation to me is weird but whatever. I blew it off and we ended up spending all day together. We went shopping, had lunch, the whole nine yards and I paid for nothing. A comment got made about us dating and he laughed and said “we’re not dating”. So here’s my question…

    What are we doing then? We’re hanging out, I’m “bonding” with your kid. Your doing things you’ve never done for other people. We’ve making plans for the fourth of july with your family… We’re not having sex like rabbits anymore so…

  • HotMess

    Okay, makes perfect sense. We did exchange some rather racey texts the day after we hooked up. So that kind of leads me to believe that he’s interested in the “hook-up” more than anything. It’s just difficult to gauge. I let a couple days pass and I sent him a text just to say hey, hope his week is going well. In the course of our conversation, I let him know I am going out of town for the weekend. I suggested that maybe we should hang again sometime after I get back. He seems interested, so I guess I’ll find out one way or another about what he wants from me – other than the hu if anything. I’m just not sure if I’m supposed to play it cool, or let him know I’m interested in getting to know him – more than the hu. I’ve already decided that I’m not going to contact him again, but that I’ll let him make the next move.

  • HotMess(update)

    Thanks Susan – you are right on! I wish I would have had this blog to consult 10 years ago.
    So, the guy I was talking to only wanted a hook-up. Although, he said,”it’s not that he wouldn’t think of me as a gf or w/e.” ???
    Honestly, he was too young to immature to want anything else. So, about that time as the gods would have it… I got a call from a really good guy that I have known for the better part of a decade and we had drinks (no hookup!) the other night.

    F.I.D.O. is my new personal motto.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @HotMess
      Yay, that’s a great report. Stay strong! I’m here, stop by anytime!

  • Sophia

    Hi susan :) Okay so i’ve met this guy recently and i took his virginity and he keeps saying ”how special it was to him and he’s glad he lost it to me” He said he also had butterflies when we spent the day together and mentioned how he wants to see me all the time” Oh and he had to go home one night for some family occasion and he said ”i dont want to go. I want to stay with you” He likes stroking my head and he looks into my eyes in an intense way, infact i’ve caught him looking at me quite alot and so i keep saying ”why are you looking at me?” and he just said..he liked my hair. He smiles at me when i look back at him and it makes me feel quite embarrased :O Also after we have sex he wants to hold me and kiss me, he wants to make conversation afterwards also. He even said to me ”I like you quite alot” and he was worried that i only wanted him for sex. This may sound like a stupid question. But do you think he is falling for me? He is 17 and i am 19. Can a guy fall in love at 17? Looking forward to your reply.

  • lena

    Hi Susan and everyone,

    I have been reading this page for a while to help myself and finally decided to write. This will be a bit long, just because I have so much in my mind..
    I have never believed hook ups would lead to something and have had longterm relationships for a long time, so I had never really had to come across with this situation until a short while ago.
    I met this guy in around January at an exhibition when he came with a friend of mine and as soon as I saw him I was attracted to him, and the more, as I talked to him. He is a very gentle and lovely guy. This happens so rarely to me so he has stayed on my mind after that. Then a few weeks later, I saw him at a music event again, he was very interested, we talked just for a bit and I could feel that he was watching me whole night. He is an artist and told me about his website etc, then I added him to facebook, then he started writing to me, all very nice and lovely stuff, he told he wanted to meet for a coffee which we couldn’t do as he was travelling a lot at the time. We live very close to eachother within an artist community and have mutual friends so came across at another event just near where I live (with other people), that evening he was with me all the time, asking lots of questions, we went to my place, he met my friends, then went out again, and then came back towards morning, after a very long chat, we had sex, he was very much affectionate, hugged and kissed me all the time, we had breakfast, a few hours later, met at a park nearby with also other friends, he was looking at my eyes constantly, I was thinking I was in a dream or something, which is unfortunately the case I guess..
    He told me he would come to meet me in the evening with our few mutual friends, but fell a sleep and didn’t make it. Then next day, he sent me a message saying he fell a sleep and “Thank you for the lovely evening, night and morning, I had really nice time.” and asked me how I was etc. This “Thank you” bit sounded weird to me, I felt like I had done a favor or smth. On the other hand, he is an absolute gentleman, it could be something expected from him a friend said. Anyway, within the following week, I invited him twice to some events, but he had excuses, then he went for travelling for work again for 10days, did not really initiated any contact but just replied to my very few messages. I stopped contacting him, then he wished me a happy birthday with a nice text, I invited him to my birthday dinner but didnt make it again. 1 week later we met at a show again, I was pretending not to be very interested, he was very interested, then again a few days later at something else, again I was pretending and he was wandering around me, I left early, about which he was very surprised, and next day in the morning he texted me saying it was great to see you, etc etc have a nice day, I replied with a very casual text. For a week again no contact, a few days ago we met again at an event (I know we are a bit sociable:), he was around me constantly, lots of questions etc, then I went to his place with him and few friends who also live with him, on our way he was holding my hand, hugging me, and at some point, one of our friends cheekyly said something like, “there is something special about you, he never changes his mind for me although I’m his best mate” when we were talking about his date of next work travel, I wanted him to leave a few days later so that he can come to an event with us:).
    To cut it short, we had a meal and drinks together that night, sat up until late, had sex and slept all hugging until I had to go to work.
    In the evening I received the text saying, “Thanks for another lovely evening and night, I’ll leave at this date and wont be able to make the event, hope you had a good day? etc etc. I replied next morning (yesterday) concluding with “you should come here with your x friends for food and wine” etc and again no contact since.
    This whole story sounds quite teenage maybe but we are both 30 years old! I have never been confused this much before. There are too many women around him I think and he is a guy that would attract women very easily (eh, Libra), and I feel he would not ignore the opportunities… I don’t know whether he is just playing his game, I can’t believe how much affectionate someone can be while acting on the other hand.. I really like him a lot, but not planning to contact him until he does, which is painful..
    I would very much appreciate your view and advice,

    Love.

  • Confused

    I’ve been trying to let this go and I found your website and decided to just get it out one time in hopes of finally having some clarity! So I met this guy 6 yrs ago in college, wasn’t really attracted to him and didn’t really say much to him at all and then one day it just hit me. Couldn’t explain it but just something about him somehow got me attracted to him. Still can’t explain it 6 yrs later! My friend encouraged me to email him just making simple conversation and he responded back pretty much telling me he noticed me and wanted to hang out. He contacted me everyday until we finally hung out and it was like we’ve known eachother for years. I realized that day that I’ve never met anyone just so similar to me. I don’t consider myself the normal everyday kind of girl and I have always found it hard to find someone who really understands me. Nothing happened between us but it was pretty obvious we both wanted to. He still tried to hang out with me again and trying to figure out a day. Long story short we had a conversation and he said something that I took the wrong way and pretty much thought he wasn’t interested in me at all. Which I guess wasn’t the case. I took it wrong because i had just gotten out of a long distance relationship and probably wasn’t ready to open up then. Things ended like that and didn’t talk to him anymore.
    6 months after that, I wanted to apologize to him, whether he would care or not, just wanted to get it out of my system to move on so first I wrote to him asking him how he was doing and he responded that he was doing well and all that, so I then sent an apology for what had happend before and he never responded back, so I figured either he didn’t care or I hurt him, not really sure. I let it go even though it bugged me. A year after that, I found him on a social site with mutual friends and I friend requested him. He accepted. I just let it go and finally he emailed me to see how I was doing and noticed some changes I’ve made (just school direction and such) and was writing to me like nothing bad happened in the past. So we wrote back and forth and finally decided to hang out again. The first thing he said to me after hi was, so what happened? How come you stopped talking to me? So I explained to him about my past relationship and that I didn’t think I was ready and he totally understood and we left it in the past. We ended up just hanging out like the first time and it felt the same. We were just finishing eachothers sentences and just talking in general. He seemed then, and every other time we hung out, was that he truly wanted to get to know me. He always asks me question after question after question about me, almost like I don’t even get a chance to answer his questions because he keeps asking more! And what I like that most is that he remembers everything I tell him about me. Everything. He clearly pays attention to what I have to see. That night he finally kissed me and it just felt so wonderful. I connected with him. He tried to take it further but I said no because I didn’t want to be that type of girl. He said he was fine with it but I could tell he really wanted to get close.
    We kind of talked off and on since then because we were both busy with end of school/finals and such and somehow we got to talking and agreed we would take it a step further and hook up. I really wanted to and I guess I couldn’t be tough about it anymore! Before we hooked up, I asked him what his plans were then because he graduated that semester and he told me he was going to leave the country to teach English. My heart dropped and I guess I realized then that we probably wouldn’t be getting in a relationship because I figured it would be impossible to do when separated like that. I understood and we hooked up but at the same time it didn’t feel like just a hook up. It felt like more. He moved back to his parents house, just 8 hrs away from where I live and a few days later on new years eve/day, he spent hours just texting me and focusing on me while at a party when most people would be having fun and just partying the night away. He thought of me while there. Saw him a few days after that and we hooked up again. But it wasn’t just hooking up. We talked before, even had a normal conversation during the intimacy!, and talked after, still asking me questions and trying to get to know me. He left the next day to travel for a graduation present his parents gave him so didn’t hear from him for a couple weeks. After he came back, I didn’t hear from him much because I had a feeling he was going to be leaving soon for his job out of the country and maybe that he didn’t want me to get attached/him to get my hopes up, but then all of a sudden I was hearing from him everyday. Keeping in contact with me everyday. Every single day. He was living at home so I wasn’t able to see him until he told me he was going to be in town and wanted to see me so we set a date and made plans to see eachother. We again hooked up but we still talked for hours still trying to ask me questions and figure me out. I finally asked him when he was leaving the country and he told me next week he was going and it crushed me. He then told me that he wanted me to find someone else and I told him I didn’t want anyone else. He then said that he was a loser and going nowhere with his life and that I deserve someone better than him. I don’t think he was saying that just to get me away. I have a feeling that maybe he really does feel that way and really thinks I deserve better. So basically I was sad and he knew that but he had to leave. I told him I didn’t want him to leave and he looked back at me and said, You really don’t want me to go, do you? And I said, I don’t want you to but I you should go because that’s what your heart wants and you don’t want to live a life full of regrets. I basically couldn’t sleep that night after he left.
    My heart just shattered into pieces. I don’t do this with anyone. I’m a very selective person and I am aware of who I like/who I don’t and am picky because I don’t want just anyone! We emailed back and forth just once every while, while he was traveling just to see how he was doing and then all of a sudden I didn’t hear from him anymore. I realized that he was with another girl he met there who was from a different country. It hurt me but at the same time, I just understood cause he was there by himself and probably felt lonely. Over a year has gone by and he finally sends me an email, but he didn’t say anything, just sent me a link he wanted me to see about his experiences there. I took this that he was testing me to see if I’d respond or if I gave up on him. I responded just saying that I saw it and I enjoyed reading it and glad he was doing well. He responded a little later writing back excitedly that I wrote him and he wanted to see how I was doing and all that. We had been writing back and forth for about 7 months. I realized that the girl was still there with him. I had a feeling that she wasn’t going to be there any longer or he lost interested. Don’t really know because he never told me about her. Just kind of figured through his friend site thing. But she was only there for a few months into the start of our emails and I guess she left. We still emailed for the remainder of the 7 months before I got a surprise message from him after 7 months of emailing that he was back home for the holidays to visit and he wanted to see me so we made plans to see eachother and he drove down with a friend to stay with his other friend and make sure to see me. I don’t know his reasons because I of course can’t read his mind, but if I’m not mistaken he drove all the way down just to see me because in that weekend he only saw the friend he drove down with, the friend who let him stay at his place, me, and his brother. I don’t think he drove down for another reason because his brother ended up going to visit his family for the holidays a few days after that so I took it that the main reason he came down was for me.
    I went to see him with the strength to not hook up with him and I fell week and we did. It still felt the same like before but what had changed is he doesn’t want me with anyone else. I told him I had a one night stand in another country with some guy I met while traveling, no big deal, I thought, but I told him because he wanted to know if I was with anyone while he had been gone. He got jealous mad and told me he wanted to beat the guy up (just figurately, of course! This was before I told him it was out of the country and not any guy around here) and even during the hook up he brought the guy up and he wanted to make sure that I didn’t have him in mind and that I didn’t think any guy was better for me than he was. I reassured him I was still into him and had no other guy in mind. I never brought up to him that I knew about the other girl he was with. I didn’t think he would last with her anyway so I wasn’t really worried but I guess I just didn’t bring it up to him or I just blocked it out. Again I’d like to say before, during, and after the intimate time, we still had a full on conversation catching up and he was still asking me questions and questions still wanting to know more about me. Even bringing up stuff in the past that I told him because he remembers everything I tell him. Finally, I had to go and while he was walking me out, he turned and asked me “Where are we?” and I responded stupidly because I guess I didn’t understand what he was saying so I responded with the city that I met up with him and he said the city and connected it with a country that had the same city that we were in. And I said I wish. I realized later that day that he was asking “What are we?” I felt stupid and laughed it off later. I emailed him the next day apologizing and don’t know how I took it that way and asked him what he meant by “Where are we?” and I never got a response from him. My friends told me that I blew it and that was the only chance I was going to get because either he thought I responded that way because I wasn’t interested in him or because he is afraid of getting hurt. Anyways, before I left I asked him when he was going to move back here and he said he wasn’t sure, indefinitely.
    I said that’s fine, because deep down, I’m not the type to push people to doing things and I am a firm believer in letting things just happen.
    Heard from him once everywhile until around October of last year that he was giving me a heads up that he would because around in December, which I wouldn’t have been able to see him because I was going to be traveling around that time, which I found out that was when he was coming back permanently. I realized then that I don’t want to be that girl who gives years to a guy who decides late that she isn’t the right girl for him and leaves her and finds someone else. That’s my fear because I don’t want to be the girl before the girl the guy marries. And he hides his feelings well, so instead of just waiting to talk to him in person I spoke before I thought and sent him an email telling him that I just didn’t want to just hook up everytime I saw him, I wanted to know what was on his mind. (He was still out of the country when I sent him this and I know I should have waited.) He responded saying “What do you mean? I’m not there right now! Did you forget?! Silly.” I wrote back saying that I didn’t forget! I guess I just wanted to know but I should have waited. And he never responded after that. My friends told me to let it go and/or just follow my heart but not to listen to anyone, just myself.
    I felt like I had soo many questions and decided to send him an email basically telling him that what I wrote before wasn’t what I meant and what I meant was that I enjoyed our friendship before and I realize that I can’t do the in between because I can’t handle it and I have feelings. I also told him I was confused because he didn’t want me with anyone else and he could get that ‘jealous’ tone if there was any guy and how he kept in contact with me all these years and I didn’t know what that means and I felt like I deserve to know something because of that. I told him to tell me the truth, even if it hurts, and it took him awhile to respond back, I’m guessing either he put it to the side because I blew it and he didn’t care or because he was trying to figure out what to say. I’ll never know. He finally responded telling me he didn’t want to hold me back and that he really wasn’t making sure I wasn’t with anyone, that he was just asking (which I don’t believe because he got jealous angry when I brought up the last guy, which wasn’t even a big deal to me). He considers us friends, nothing more, nothing less and that he wanted us on the same page. He apologized for the late response and hopes everything is well with me. He may or may not be telling the truth but I feel it doesn’t correlate with how we were all these years. So I just replied thanking him for responding and and that I’m not the type to chase or be pushy and all about letting things flow. And I said a little joke that would let him know that I was a dang good friend and he better feel lucky to have me as one!
    And I haven’t really heard from him after that and it’s been about 3 months now. And it looks like he isn’t keeping up anymore with his online journal and almost like he’s disappeared. Not from me, but from everyone. I know he was gone for awhile and trying to get everything straight now but it doesn’t look like he’s working or going to school, not really sure. I just don’t get it. He made me feel like he really likes me and he knows I like him and I don’t understand why he is acting the way he is. I’ve been told that he does but he is ‘afraid of commitment’ or something, I understand he was traveling before and have always been understanding of that and that could be a reason why he was the way he was, and I’ve heard that if a guy isn’t financially/emotionally ready, he’ll push any girl away, even if he really cares, and who knows maybe he’ll come back when he’s ready. I guess I still feel like I have questions and that I didn’t get clarity at all. I’ve even asked guys whom I trust and they even said that the way he was with me was unusual. Most guys just hook up and move on or I guess the term ‘hit it and quit it’. But it wasn’t like that at all. I know he has dated girls but from what I understand, they were all long distance relationships. I’ve heard that means a guy wants the company of a girl but at the same time wants his distance. Or he has a fear of commitment/doesn’t want to get hurt? Not sure again. I know sporadically through the years he has asked me things like “Would I relocate/leave my area?” I said I guess I would and he said well, you never know you might find a man, fall in love, get married, and move to somewhere like ______”. I said I would be willing to do that if it was the one (I don’t like my area anyway!). I took that he was seeing if I would relocate. He finally brought up his family to me for the first time the last time I saw him, which he has never done that before (I loves his family dearly and are very close). He even brought up to me in front of his friends something like, “If we were living together, would you do this ______”. His friends didn’t say anything but I could see their facial expressions like whoa! living together? That’s a big step! I could really use a different perspective because I’d really like to know what you think! I don’t know what else to do. Thank you for your help :)

    Oh and I forgot to say, concerning the ‘hooking up’, it wasn’t just a physical thing. He was very into kissing me, using eye contact, and making sure I was feeling good, and asking me questions. My facial expressions can be easily read and he could tell right away if I liked or didn’t like something and he right away changed it up and made it better. He toned himself down to make sure it wasn’t too much for me and didn’t put me last.

  • lena

    So this not contacting actually works I guess!
    Yesterday afternoon he contacted me to ask how my weekend has been, said we should definitely have dinner soon, also told me where he was with his friends and asked me what I was doing, and I said the weekend has been very busy (not a lie!), I’m happily chilling at home and not planning to go out (which wasn’t a lie either!). I feel really good about this conversation:) while I read the last paragraph of your article regularly, especially the “reliable and consistent attention” bit, not to chill out too much:) I’ll meet one of his best friends this week, might invite him as well, and next time I see him I will keep an extra eye on the above signs:) lets see what happens…
    Love.

  • lena

    I invited him when his friend was also coming, he was working, couldn’t make it, and no contact again. He is going away for a few weeks in a few days, I also heard from another mutual friend that for a long time he has actually been quite low in mood, up and down and in one of their conversations he said I want to fall in love etc. His best friend invited me for his leaving dinner tomorrow, I won’t go as it wasn’t him that invited me and now I think I’m not the one for him, feeling quite unhappy and planning not to see him.
    Good luck to everyone,
    Love.

  • Rock and a hard place

    Hi susan I’m not sure if you are still answering post or not

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    OK, I see there are 9 questions here I have not yet answered. I apologize for the delay – the oldest one goes back several weeks. I do get to every question from readers, but I receive many emails and requests for advice – it can take me a while to dig out. I’ll do them one by one.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Lost Woman
    You found out about his activity on Match not through snooping or invading his privacy, but because you received an email that took you by surprise. It is perfectly reasonable to tell him and ask him why he feels the need to be on Match if he is sincere about everything he’s been saying and doing.

    I wouldn’t overreact, though. Three months is not such a long time, and he may be “playing it safe” by keeping his options open – after all, you could decide to leave him. He has clearly expended considerable time, energy and resources on you, so I can’t imagine you are truly getting played. Players take but they give very little.

    On the other hand, if he is actively seeking additional women to date, you need to know that right away. There is no way around the dreaded talk – that just creates a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation – one that in my experience, nearly always works out poorly for the woman.

    Best of luck.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Jessie H
    Guys generally don’t put any time or energy into platonic friendships with women. They’re far more interested in investing their effort into sexual relationships. If he is still texting, still flirting, he’s probably hoping to weaken your resolve and get you to have more sex with him, even though he has no intention of committing. Don’t do it!

    I admire your strength – you know this is not a good situation for you. Stay strong and forget about this guy.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Nicole
    My advice is to slow it way down. There’s no need to decide today what the two of you may eventually be to one another. Having kids makes the decision huge for both of you. It sounds to me like you both talked a good game about keeping it 100% physical, but both have also caught feelings. Whether you want to continue being sexual is up to you, but you can definitely take a step back in terms of the frequency of contact, and you might gently explain to him that personal questions about your feelings for your ex, etc. are off limits based on your agreement.

    Do you have to decide right now? Can you see where this goes and if it grows? If he or you remain adamant that a relationship is not a good idea, then I can’t see anything but heartache ahead for at least one of you.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Brittney
    If you can call a guy your boyfriend, you should be able to tell him what you’re feeling. I wouldn’t say “I love you,” but you could let him know that you’re falling for him in just those words. Or if you’d like to start slow, just tell him how much you like him, or that you love dating him. Give him an indication that your feelings for him are strong.

    If he feels the same way, he’ll say so. If he doesn’t, it’s better that you know what’s up, so that you can decide the best way to proceed.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Kelly
    OMG I hope you are not still hooking up with this asshole. Your letter is so full of clues that he doesn’t care about you at all. He is just playing you to get sex, and probably doing the same, or trying to, with other girls. He has a lot of nerve calling you his gf when he’s hitting on other girls. And the threesome is just waaayyyy out of bounds for a girl he cares about. He is using you, period.

    I hate guys like this, and I hate it that you can’t see how worthless he is, how selfish and manipulative. Kick him to the curb and look for a guy who will feel lucky to have you. And don’t have sex with him until you’re sure about that.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Sophie
    This has DANGER written all over it. Here are the red flags I see:

    1. This is a good friend of your ex-fiance’s. If you were the one to break the engagement, this is truly cruel on your part.
    2. This is now the roommate of your ex-fiance. I’m assuming he’s not admitting any of this to his friend. So lying is now part of the picture.
    3. This guy works for you? You are his boss? This is highly unprofessional, and you could be legally liable for sexual harrassment. I’m not kidding. Certainly if the owner found out, you could easily be fired.
    4. He told you on day one he doesn’t want a relationship. Always believe men when they say this.
    5. He “seems to” care more than he lets on. Nope, he’s just enjoying your company without getting emotionally involved.
    6. He’s very attentive to you sexually, which is nice, but says nothing about his emotional state.
    7. He plans to go to medical school, which means 7 years, during which a relationship would be a total pain in the ass.

    You are 24, you do not have the time to waste on a complete dead end like this. And as I said, I think this is extremely disrespectful to your ex. (If he broke your heart, that’s a different story.)

    Walk away now, and limit the fallout as best you can.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @GRITS
    Wow. You start off by telling me that you and this guy were very flirty when you were married and he was in a relationship with the mother of his child. That’s very shady right there.

    He invites you to his son’s graduation – so he’s also been married before – and says he doesn’t want to share you. Then sets up a date with another woman? Shady.

    He introduces you to his 2 yo daughter, says you should bond because you’ll be hanging around. This is not good for his daughter. Divorced people who are good parents are very careful about introducing new partners into their child’s lives. Why should she bond with you when you are a booty call and he is dating other women? Shady.

    After you fought he kept the date with the other woman! Why wouldn’t he call her and explain that he had decided to be exclusive with someone? Shady, shady, shady!

    He explicitly says you are not dating. That means you are a booty call. He is a selfish prick and you are being an idiot. That’s a charitable interpretation. Your own behavior strikes me as irresponsible and shady as well – have you thought about the effect of all of this on the daughter? The son? Some people should not be parents, and I’m pretty sure he’s one of them.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Sophia
    He’s totally fallen for you, he’s head over heels. I hope you like him too, or that poor boy is going to have some serious heartache.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Lena
    Sigh. This guy sounds like he is all over the place. Polite, interested, then unavailable, and busy. Definitely not relationship material. If you stop having sex with him, I predict he will vanish completely, but I hope I’m wrong. If you want to know how he feels about you, that’s the way to find out.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2009/06/15/hookinguprealities/10-signs-that-your-hookup-is-falling-for-you/ NoideaGirl

    Hi Susan! All you answers are amazing help, I just need you to answer mine just so I can finally sleep instead of constantly thinking about it at night haha
    OK, Well i have been talking to this guy for over a month, and we have hooked up twice. Now he only just got out of a 1 and a half year relationship so I am extremely worried I may be his ‘rebound girl’. The both times we have hooked up, we just kissed, the first time he didn’t try anything more but the second time he wanted sex. But i refused, he was sad, but respected my decision. When we are together he tells me that he is going to take me on trips away and says he likes me, and talks all about his family and gets excited about me meeting them etc.
    The second time we hooked up we woke up the next day at 7am and just cuddled and kissed in bed until 3pm, talking about everything.
    We talk basically every day and I went out with him and every time i would see him talking to one of his friends (girl) I would walk up and he would instantly hug me and kiss me in front of everyone and say, “This is my ‘bestest’ friend”. which is obviously fair enough because we have only been talking for a month.
    Now I really like him a lot, just he seems close to perfect in my opinion. But I just want to know if he is seeing me as a rebound or maybe something more serious?
    Thanks.

  • GypsyGirl

    Hi Susan! So I need some advice. First let me start with a little background information. I am a 22 year old female, and a couple of nights ago I hooked up with an old friend that I have not seen in almost 4 years. When we used to hang out 4 years ago, it would basically always be to “have relations” but we used to talk on the phone a lot too. We never actually dated, probably because he is two years younger than me so i felt weird about it or something. Anyways, so he started texting me a couple of weeks ago and we decided to get together since it had been so long. So we got together, and ultimately it ended in us having sex, really really great sex if i do say so myself! However, being a female, it is almost impossible to have sex without feeling something and getting attached in one way or another. So now I realize that I have some feelings for him and I dont want it to just be sex, but i dont know if i should ask him how he feels straight out or what sort of signs i should look for….we have been texting since it happened, but not as often I feel like, but that may be because im thinking too much about it now. Please help! Thanks!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @GypsyGirl
      This is tough, because it’s a weird mix of not knowing what the other person is thinking, even though it’s someone you’ve known well. The only way you’re going to find out is to lay your cards on the table. Tell him you’ve been thinking about him, or how good it was to see him, and that you’d love to hang out again soon. Don’t focus on the sex, focus on the friendship or attachment. You should be able to get a read on what he’s thinking by his responses. If he doesn’t respond enthusiastically, let it go.

  • ReallyShyGirl

    Hi Susan! I’m at a loss here. I need help. Or some advice. I’d never thought I’d be seeking advice on the internet! I should apologise in advance for my english; it’s not my native tongue. First, I think I should tell you I’m 29 years old woman who has never had any kind of (romantic) relationship with any man. No experience, of any kind, at all. I know, lame. Al least, that’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Anyway, last year I changed jobs and started to work with a lot of people and I’ve become a little more sociable. About 6 months ago I started talking with a guy at work who’s 1 year older than me. We work for the same government agency but in different areas. We found out we have a lot of things in common. We share the same political and (non-)religious beliefs and we both love movies and books and have similar backgrounds, etc. We exchange films and books all the time. We usually run into eacth other on hallways and in the cafeteria and he comes to my office for coffe and mate (a national drink here) and the like. We talk a lot. We meet on colleagues’ birthdays and similar occassions and sometimes we go for drinks after work with some friends. On some of these occassions, after having drinks, we’ve gone just the 2 of us to a different place (a coffee store, a restaurant, a bar, etc.) and talked for hours. Everyone at work seems to think there’s something between us (or there should be something going on; since we really seem to be into each other). Some of my colleagues have told me that he never used to visit the area or stop for coffee and a chat and on the days I missed work, he didn’t even show up. Finally two weeks ago we went for drinks (he seemed to be really nervous the whole time and had a little too much to drink). When he was walking me to get a taxi, he finally kissed me (it was my very first kiss), It was really passionate and it went on for a long time (I’d never thought I’d be willing to engage in a somewhat intense PDA – to be honest, I was really happy, I didn’t even realise where we were at some point). He suggested we could go ‘somewhere more private’ but I declined; I said I really wanted to be with him but I implied that I wasn’t really used to doing these things on a regular basis and I needed just a little more time. He said he didn’t care about my inexperience and that he’d be willing to wait. Then we continue to make out. After some time I finally left. We exchaned a couple of text messages over the weekend and everything seemed to be fine. The following monday he was distant and not talking to me. At the end of the work day, I asked him if there was something wrong and he seemed really embarassed. To my questions, he answered he didn’t regret what had happened between us but it wasn’t the way he had wanted to do things; he said he liked me but it was complicated. I assured him he had done nothing wrong and that I liked him and he said he knew and he was sorry (!). I had a lot of questions but I didn’t want him to feel pressured or chased or whatever; I didn’t want to be demanding or push him for answers out of fear of chasing him away. This went on for another day and then things returned to ‘normal’. He continues to come by my office to have coffe, we talk and we exchange things. We’ve met on another birthday the following week and he seemed really ‘friendly’ (even flirty, I guess). He continually came to my side and engage in the conversation I was having (or just stood there by me) or he offered to get me a drink (even though he knows I don’t drink); he even walked me to get a taxi (even though nothing happened there – he seemed to be somewhat scared). There’ve been some hints at a another potential activity together. But I’m afraid to suggest anything. Besides, he’s a pretty reserved guy, I can never know how he feels about me. And since I’m so insecure on this subject I’ve never felt he was really into me but strangely, now sometimes, I can feel his interest – I’ve noticed he seems more attentive and I catch him staring at me more frequently. But I don’t know if it’s just wishful thinking on my part. I really really like him. I’m sorry for this very long message.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @ReallyShyGirl
      What a mystery! The two of you sound extremely compatible. I give you a lot of credit for asking him directly what was happening – I wish he had been more forthcoming with details. I don’t know what he means by “it’s complicated” and neither do you! Clearly you need to know the whole story, and you’re in the unfortunate position of having to ask him for more details, which feels like pressuring him, or waiting and wondering until he makes another move.

      I’m puzzled by his saying he didn’t regret what happened but “it wasn’t the way he had wanted to do things.” What does that mean? He suggested going somewhere more private – was he hoping to have sex? I’m glad you declined.
      He was willing to wait, but then he pulled back? It makes no sense!

      As uncomfortable as it will be for you, I think you deserve to know what’s going on and I think you will have to ask. You have the right to be angry, frankly, or at least annoyed that he is stringing you along without an explanation. I think you can simply say that you are feeling very confused about the events of the last two weeks. You don’t understand why it’s complicated, or where you stand. Tell him you would appreciate his honesty and that you don’t want anyone toying with your feelings.

      I really hope this works out, I know you like him a lot. Please let me know what happens!

  • Julz

    I met my current boyfriend online. Initially, it was one of those things where there were no expectations, casual, go with the flow kind of thing. We live about 45 min to an hour from eachother. In the beginning we mostly texted. We hooked up in person about a month later. We had sex on the first date. I kind of was expecting the worse, to not hear from him or see him again after having sex on the first date. But shortly after we started spending time together, things started shifting gear. We spend every weekend together, sometimes he’ll get off work (his work is midway between his home and mine) and spend a night over during the week. He’s introduced me to his buddies at work (all high ranking in the military), talked about me to his roomate/friend that’s deployed. Chemistry between us is amazing, sex is explosive, all the things you mentioned above is present. He enjoys showing me off, and I say this because he tells me. Every time we go out in public he holds my hands, kisses my forehead or lips, displays affectionate gestures, and doesn’t have wondering eyes. Things seem to be moving fast. What was suppose to be just an “eh whatever” situation, I now find myself thinking about him daily. In one way or another we maintain some kind of contact when we are not physically together. This has all happend in a matter of about three months between initial online contact to present. I sometimes hear about stories where things are going well then all of a sudden the guy starts acting weird because feelings start getting too intense. I was wondering if there’s anything I need to be concerned about in my current situation or just enjoy things as they are.

  • Charlotte

    I am stuck in a sticky situation Susan and I just do not know what to think or act or do. I need your good advice.

    I have come out of a very serious relationship 6 months ago, I was engaged at age 18 and he broke my heart when he went to university and told me that he wanted to do the “uni thing” and sleep with other girls and he could not be committed to me for the next 60 years of our lives. Sure enough I got sent a letter from him a month later explaining that this is just a break like in rom-coms where he will have his fun and realise in 5 years time that I really am the one. I don’t buy that crap and I have had enough of men using me for my kind and generous nature. I know I am worthy of something better as I tend to put the guys needs first before mine and I tend to fall in love easily with them…

    After a string of really unsuccessful moral crushing internet dating where all the men were commitment-phobe sex fiends, someone crossed my path in my real life.
    I desperately want to be in a relationship and to be loved and to love this guy that I am seeing at university myself. I feel happy in a relationship and safe from womanizing vultures.

    He has just come out of a year and half relationship as well that was heading towards marriage but he cheated on her (not with me) by accident and she broke it off and it left him incredibly wounded. He gets drunk and tells me that he can’t be with me and then apologises the next morning profusely begging that he hopes he hasn’t ruined his chances with me. I tell him that I understand exactly what he is going through and that I will always be here regardless of his mistakes.

    Since the summer holidays has kicked in and we are no longer near his ex, he has been better with me and he barely has mentioned his ex and we go out each week and enjoy eachothers company.

    He does most of the signs in here, gives me nicknames, can spend time with me without having sex with me and when we do have sex he does focus on me and texts me practically everyday even when he is on a lads only holiday. (We did not do anything sexual until 3 weeks into dating and it was like the 7th date. And he said we were exclusively seeing one another and only sleeping with one another)

    He wants to be introduced to my friends and hinted to me a few weeks ago “I think its really cool when a girl asks a guy out.”

    I have been seeing him for 3 months now, only a month after his break up. I mustered up the strength and asked him if we could progress and become official today and he said
    “I’m not ready as I only broke up with my ex 4 months ago, I still need a little more time, but I’m glad you asked me and I do like spending time with you.. I just need more time and I want to take things slowly with you.”

    What does this mean? Am I utterly screwed? Do I have any hope? What is my next move?

    Thank you.

  • Ellie

    Hi Susan,
    I am so glad I found your site. I have been “hanging out” with this guy lately that I am crazy about. I met him almost a year ago and he liked me right from the start, but unfortunately I was still not over another guy. We dated and he asked me out and I turned him down. Then I changed my mind and we went out but I was honestly not ready. Then I went on tour for a month and we broke up a week after I got back. So the whole relationship was kinda not there, it was a mutual break up, even though I was really sad about it, and really liked him by that time. The whole thing just seemed like a false start. Now, many month later, we have been hanging out regularly as friends. At first in a group but for over a month now it’s almost always just me and him. We go to dinner and movies and other special things that only we like to do. A month ago he asked me if I wanted to be “friends with benefits” I told him I didn’t want if it wasn’t going to mean anything more than that to him. I was worried he would stop hanging out with me when I gave him that answer … but if anything, he has been more caring and thoughtful since that happened. He is REALLY bad at talking about anything serious, not even just relationship stuff. All his friends know this about him, he is far worse than the average guy in that department. So that is why I haven’t talked to him. He is however a very good guy and person, has very good values and not the type that would ever cheat or lie. Just a couple days ago our “relationship” became more sexual … I am wondering if this is a sign that I could mean more to him, since I said before I didn’t want a sexual relationship unless it meant more to him. We haven’t had sex yet, but I am wondering if we should or if that would be a bad move.

  • Pingback: Dear Badger: Filling In For Susan Walsh | The Badger Hut()

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    oaoa/ellie,

    I developed responses to your questions but as they became quite long I thought it best if I made them into a post on my own blog. I hope it helps.

    http://badgerhut.wordpress.com/2011/07/25/dear-badger-filling-in-for-susan-walsh/

  • Plantiflora

    moreover, when I had shown him the apprehensions of me coming to his apartment , he got angry saying that its wrong of me doubting him. He is not interested in just sleeping with me but rather he sees me as more than friends. But then why he went for sexual intimacy ? I had also asked him the same , he said that he himself didnot know that he would get so close to me. Is he just fooling around with all this or am I being skeptical?

  • Constance

    Hi, I quite enjoyed reading this, but I have a few questions.
    When reading this I was thinking about a guy I have been seeing, in a casual, physical manner (sporadically over long time), but last time I saw him things went different. We’re mostly just having sex, but he invited me over earlier, had food together, hung out etc (and obviously sex as well). He tried to make plans for when to meet again and he’s been quite active on the phone later and asked me to prolong my stay in town to meet again. He asked lots of questions about me, my life, family and education, which he’s never done before.
    I am a bit torn, as I don’t know if he is doing these things because he knows I am a woman ( :) ) and that we “need these things”. I obviously want him to do so because he wants to. How do I know?
    So regarding your list – if by “falling for” you mean falling in love, I think that might be a bit soon in my case. He doesn’t even live where I live (for now) and I don’t know how far I want it to go. But I wonder if he has feelings, misses me etc. He fits the description of interest and he also seems to seek reassurance about how he looks etc (kept asking about things).
    We are both under 30, I’m dating other guys as well and I assume he sees other women. Yes I do get jealous from comments on his Facebook wall, obviously never express any of it. To be perfectly honest, part of my obsession with him is probably my thing for game-playing and drama; several of my friends whom I discuss with (and have only seen pictures) say “you are way to good-looking for him”, “he needs to make you his girlfriend”. We are both rather proud types with a bit of a problem reaching out. I don’t know if he’s a player. Some say he’s not “good-looking enough to be”, but he is charming and I find him adorable. He’s been single as long as I’ve known him (3 years), we have amazing sex and he easily gets upset if I cannot come to see him. But regarding point 9 – wouldn’t it be very ambitious to expect him to drop every other girl and not have interest in others and go for me, when we haven’t gotten further than we have? You say we should always keep dating and meet guys as long as we’re not agreed upon being exclusive, and I assume that goes for guys too? Thanks =)

  • buffy

    For the past two months I’ve been hooking up with an old friend from high school. Known him since we were 11…we’re now 27. Long story short he moved away and recently moved back to town. He says he doesn’t want a defined relationship because he feels like past relationships have gone down hill as soon as their labled. Said he wants a designated person to hook up with because i was upfront and said that I am not sleeping with multiple people at once…and wanted the same respect. Well 2 months later I’m having feelings….I even told him no more hooking up and tried dating someone else. It didn’t work out and as soon as he found out he asked if he could come see me….I told him no sex and he didn’t try. We watched TV and he did hold my hand, cuddle and we talked. He spent the night and stayed at my apartment while I went to work the next day….he did dishes, etc for me when I got home. He brings and leaves stuff at my apartment…my problem is I’m too afraid to tell him how I feel. I told him this from the get go….that I knew that if it continued I’d develop feelings and he said that was okay because feelings always get involved especially since we’ve known each other so long. We talk more…he texts me more…if he happens not to be at my apartment…always tells me goodnight. He has a pet name for me and seems to genuienely care about me….always listens to me. We also have the most amazing sex I’ve ever had in my life….I should take the risk and tell him I want more…instead of dropping hints…

  • a.

    So, last April I had sex with this guy (it was both of our first times), and since I’d been hurt a lot in the past I at first tried to make it a one night stand, but he was really sweet so I suggested “fuckbuddies.” Over the last month of school (we’re in college) we’re hooking up and he’s exhibiting a fair number of these signs (affectionate, cares how I feel, etc..) and then summer break comes. He went to London, and we had talked about continuing to see eachother, but not committed to it. We kept in touch a little, but he hooked up with other girls (which was part of the arrangement I stupidly suggested to protect my feelings). Anyway, I’m wondering if I should expect that he’ll want to keep seeing me in the fall, and if he does have any feelings for me.

  • Anna

    Please help. An acquaintance from 3 years ago messaged me on Facebook asking how I am, how’s my boy, to which I replied, we broke up and then he joked, so that means I can take you out right? I always thought he was cute so I said maybe with a smiley. I just got dumped by my ex 3 weeks ago and the attention was nice. We decided to meet up, he seemed pretty intent to have sex with me and I was horny so I agreed. We hooked up and then I kicked him out of my house after. I know mean, but he wouldn’t stop and I was tired and had an appointment int he morning. I thought he’d never contact me again and I didn’t care since after he invited me to go out, I said I didn’t want a relationship. But he continued to text and call and ask if we can have dinner, I kept saying no. Then he texts if I want to be buddies with him with benefits. I agreed to that. But after only the 2nd time we hooked up he was all cuddly and sweet and kissing me on my nose and forehead and said he liked me and even asked what my plan is for New Year’s and it’s only August! Then he said he wanted to just sleep with me and that if I just wanted to sleep with him. After that he would continuously text me and call me up every day just to say hi… What is going on here? I’m starting to feel something for him. It’s only been 2 weeks of texting and talking on the phone and 2 hook ups, then yesterday he called asking if it was okay that we put off the sex for now, so we wouldn’t get sick of it and so that he could put more respect into it and just hang out..?

    What’s going on? Should I bring up the topic or just go with the flow and see what happens??? Thanks

  • lisa

    Lisa
    Hi, Thanks very much for the great article. I really enjoyed reading the comments.
    So here is my question,
    recently I met an old friend and the second night i was in his place we had sex. he told me he had a crush from beginning he met me (7 years ago) and he was in touch with me but he never told me before. so since he lives in another city far from mine, after i came back home i invited him to come for a visit as he did. he came and spent 2 weeks here which we travel together and he stayed in my place and we had a great lovely time together. After he left he limited conversation and to 2 times a week and he never start texting me and if i do he will answer with long delay or call me the day after that. We are both in our 30s, and I am falling for him more and more and I believe he is the one for me but i dont see any move from his side. I told him i am confused about our relationship but he did not say anything. This pain is really killing me and i dont know what should i do. i dont want to make him scary but i cant stay like this in the shadow. what do u recommend? is there any way to capture his heart? should i ask him by email because it s not easy for me to ask on phone. thanks in advance.

  • Lily

    Hey Susan, one of my girlfriends left you a question over a year ago and I see your advice was well received. Maybe you could help me?

    I met a guy through work (our companies interact intermittently). He flirted with me and gave me his card for work purposes but as I was leaving reminded me that I had his number now in case i ever wanted to game (a discovered common interest). Well I was out of town and traveling and when I got back saw him again and he wasn’t even working with me but came out to chat while I was passing through. That night I called and left him a voicemail asking if he wanted to see a movie. A week later he texted that the voicemail was incoherent and he finally figured out who it was. He seemed happy to talk to me, and said to hit him up when I came back. We texted sporadically for a while and I invited him to a paintball session a bunch if friends were going to but he works all weekend (two fulltime jobs) so he couldn’t make it but offered to hang out after and we could “fool around.” I tried yo get a sense of what he meant, hoping he wasn’t he wasn’t just bring really forward. I asked pint blank if clothed outings were out of the question, and he said he’d love to hang out, and that hadn’t been his intent.
    Weeks pass, and finally a hookup is sounding fun. So I say I’m housesitting and could use some company, and he says he’d love to and maybe keep me company all weekend. Long story short, he comes over, we talk and have great conversation and eventually hook up. He was a complete sweetheart and as he was going he talked about some stuff we could do together and I asked if that lune always worked for him, and he laughed, said he was serious but wasn’t looking fir “a girlfriend or wife or anything).
    I get a text the next day asking how I am and then I hint at (did not offer/ask) a second visit, and he says he’ll call, which he did a few times to keep me up to date on where he was with his guy friends, all of whom were listening to him talk to me sweetly on the phone. He says I should come next time because it’ll be more fun with me.
    He arrives a little drunk since it was boys night out and honestly, I’ve had hookups before, and when my other FWB arrive, they weren’t like him. “I forgot how beautiful you were,” and a sweet kiss. It felt like a boyfriend coming home. The whole night although less conversation, all our sexual exchanges (I’m not going to get graphic) were not typical to someone you randomly sleep with, or not in my previous encounters. He even called me “his girl” in passing conversation when it turns out I’d met sone friends of his and they’d been “friendly” toward me (small world).

    So after our last exchange there was a moment where he asked me to fo something and I joked about getting a prize and he said anything. I asked for one date. He said no problem, “I can give you that and so much more.” (And yes, in the light of day I see the conflict of interest.) He mentioned it again before he left, and was still being very sweet and kissed me goodnight.

    A few days pass with nothing. At 3 am last night he called but left no message. I texted this afternoon to see what was up and nothing back.

    Am I doomed to be a booty call? I know that’s what I went into this looking for, but I actually really like this guy. I forgot how much we clicked when we first met two months ago. And I feel like I know the answer, but he has mentioned hanging out in the daytime three times, although not concretely, and his actions and words didn’t seem like someone not interested in more than sex (eg holding hands and eye contact during).

    So do I wait it out and eventually embrace he’s just not that into me? Or do I break the silence and at least try for a real date?

    Thanks, Susan!

  • Lisa

    ok so i have been reading all of your great advice and hope you can shed some light on the very confusing & complicated situation I’m in—I met this amazing guy about 5 months ago and we hit it off immediately (we met the night of my bday party his roommate who I am good friends w/ introduced us). He is 27 and I am 24. There was an instant attraction–I ended up going home w/ him that night but nothing happened we only kissed and he didnt push for anything else. I didnt ask for his number b/c i was nervous the next day when I left but i stayed over there until late the next afternoon and he drove me 30 minutes home to my house made comments the whole way that he hopes there was traffic so he could spent more time w/ me ect. Fast fwd a week—he was out of town visiting fam, and i was out with his roommate andh is roommate sent him a texting joking around that i said i missed him—he ends up asking for my number, and we text the entire night…he says the nicest things to me like “waking up next to you was undoubtably amazing” and “when you have a girl as gorgeous as you its pretty easy to want them to stay” (talking about me leaving the next day after my bday when i spent the night there)….so anyway, we made plans to hangout when he got back into down, went to dinner early that week and hungout the next week after that non stop and continued to hangout..go to dinners (he always paid for me) going out for ice cream renting movies going to see movies going out together on the weekends whether it was w/ my friends or his…things were perfect with us. After 2 months, i tried to define the relationship bc i felt it was at that point and i think me having that talk made him feel pressured and he even told me at one point that it wasnt that he didnt like me but that he felt i was further ahead in the relationship progression than him…so after a few months i was very frustrated with him for not wanting to commit bc i didnt understand why and he was frustrated bc he felt like i was pressuring him…so finally i said it would be easier for us to be friends and he told me “i guess we’ll have to try it that way”…so for a month we stopped talking as much or hanging out really…we would still talk and text at least al few times a week but it felt weird..I forgot to mention that we waited a month or so into hanging out to have sex at all. So after a month of things being like that with us and being kind of strained…I find out that I am pregnant…which was a total shock . I told him and he was extremely supportive and wanted to talk about things a lot in person on the phone, or one night i was out to dinner with friends and didnt feel good and i called him to come get me and he dropped what he was doing to come pick me up and i stayed the night there…or he would ask how i was feeling and would rub my back when i didnt feel good…he was really there for me. Since I was so sick the first 2 months of being pregnant and throwing up non stop and because we both knew we werent ready for a baby we made the decision to not keep it which was really tough. When i was pregnant we were still not hooking up or kissing or anything and even when i would spend the night there we would sleep on opposite sides and not cuddle or anything. The past month and after getting over that huge hurdle, it seems like he is starting to slowly come around. We are still talking basically every day, even when im not in town for the weekend we talk on the phone at least once or twice and text also, we are hanging out during the week we went to happy hour one week with his friends and just him and i got food after, i brought him cupcakes for his birthday the other week and just the two of us hungout, on the weekends we will meet up to get food after going out (or sometimes we will go out together it just depends) and then i usually end up staying there and we have started having sex again. The other weekend i stayed fri and sat night there after we got food together, i was in florida last wknd and he called me while i was gone sat to tell me he had a bad night and we talked for a while, we made plans to hangout this past thursday to get ice cream and watch a movie and we met up last night and ended up going back to his house where i stayed the night and we hooked up…even when we hookup it feels like way more than that bc we cuddle before and after, etc. But there is a huge kicker—both of us play way too many games with each other…we both continuously say to each other we are just friends just friends just friends..when we are obviously not. Last night he almost didnt meet up with me to get food and when i commented that he seemed like he was still annoyed with me (from a tiff we got on on wednesday) he was like no i am just fine with being friends or soemthing like that…i do the same thing to him because i told him when i was hooking up with this other guy a month ago before him and i started having sex again…since we have been hooking up again i havent talked to the other guy at all. Our relationship is SO strange i really dont get it…he told me the other day basically that whenever we are out together i am welcome to stay there whether we hookup or not, ik now that hes not seeing anybody else, he told me the other day that i “so great things for him he will never deny that and greatly appreciates them”, we hangout, hookup, im so attracted to him and hes very attracted to me, we get along great most of the time but i know he does get mad bc on a few occasions i have been drunk and gotten mad at him over frustration with this situation…we have been through SO much together in not a lot of time, but it makes me feel bad because i care about him so much and understandably have a huge emotional attachment to him, i do believe he does care about me BUT i feel like he is still nowhere close to being able to commit to a serious relationship..he values his “guy time” and i think he doesnt want to be tied down but i wonder why this is still going on with us or what im supposed to think. i realize that im sending him very mixed signals too but its bc im s cared he doesnt feel the same way. I hope things will eventually work out with us and that at some point he will be ready to commit but i just dont know…can you please help me out and shed some light on the situation i am in? thank you!

  • Marcela

    Hello Susan! I need your help and advice please!

    About a month ago I met this great guy on a dating website and today we went on our 4th date. We always have great conversations, laugh and have fun. We are about the same age and both from latino backgrounds.
    When I first met him I asked him what he was looking for, he said: “Im looking for a potential relationship but I want to start as friends first to make sure we get along”
    I haven’t been to his apartment and he hasn’t been to mine either, we always met at a mall and go from there.

    He hasn’t made a move yet, no kissing or even holding my hands, nothing sexual… So Im starting to feel insecure… Im not sure if it is that he is been respectful and wants to take things slow or that he doesn’t like me.

    I did asked him one time if he was shy when it came to making the first move and he said yes.. so I don’t know what to do, for me is really hard to make a move because I don’t know what he is thinking and Im a little shy too.

    Why do you think he hasn’t made a move? What should I do?

    Thank you so much!!
    Marcela

  • Lela

    Hi Susan,

    Just want to start by thanking you. It’s wonderful how you take the time to respond to all these women by delivering practical yet caring advice.

    I’m currently undergoing the “fake bf” concerns. I’ve been seeing this man several years older than I for 4 months now. He was introduced through friends as a nice guy not looking for anything too serious. They thought we’d hit it off, and that we did. We must of seen eachother everyday for 2 weeks before initiating in sexual intercourse. The first month was bliss. We both were involved in some traveling afterward, and spent a month apart while continuing close contact through LD calls, emails, skype, you name it. We’d share ohotos of our voyage, and soeak of how we missed we missed eachother. He even declared he hadnt felt emotions for someone like this in several years. I was even the first person he saw first thing him landing home. Sense his return (almost 3 weeks now) we have only seen eachother once. I felt closer to him while he was on the opposite side of the world than he is now.

    Some background info: He holds a partnership in multiple businesses that require him to work odd hours. It isn’t uncommon for him to place phone calls or send emails late at night while we’re together. The first month was amazing, but it was clear he was pushing himself to make extra time/stealing time to get to know me. It definitely caused some sleep deprivation on both ends, and an understanding that further engagements could not be the same. I agreed of course, since the last thing I want to be thought as is a distraction to a driven person I’m wanting to persuit. I’ve grown useto not hearing from him for several days, and seeing him once a week. He is somewhat of the frustrated artist as well which adds to the reclusive behavior. He’s been divorced for over 2 yrs, and claims I’ve met him at the best point he’s reached in his life. His last disappearing act resulted in his apology (which came about on his own), it wasn’t to be take personally and I deserve to know so since we are an intimate relationship and it’s something he does every now and then. He claimed eve his mother ans brother cant underatand it, but that space is sometimes required. He claims he hasn’t felt emotions for someone since his marriage, and that relationships generally do not work well with him since women he’s dated in the past can’t seem to understand/accept that work is his #1 priority and relationships fall below on the priority list.
    This is the first time I date a man of this rare breed: an entrepreneur, a workaholic, and the frustrated artist in one package. I’m curious whether he truly is into me, or uses work as a reason to hold back from the relationship. He’s supportive of my goals, very attentive when we’re together, and makes a conscious effort to lay off the phone unless it’s absolutely necessary to place a call/email.
    He’s a bit of a loner, and does not enjoy going out much, so much of our time is spent @his place dancing, listening to music, and having profound deep conversations, and yes followed by passionate sex (with an equally profound level of intimacy). We both agree we’ve never felt anything quite like it; open, comfortable, and passionate. I’m just not sure if I fit in his schedule “literally.” I know he was hurt deeply by his divorce, though he speaks of it as if it was a loveless marriage, she pretty much broke the bank.
    Sorry for the long post, but I’ve never quite been through something like this. He’s definitely not your conventional guy, and not up for titles. Did I mention he referred to us as an “intimate relationship?” What does that even mean? I’m my worry is I’ve been holding onto an unconventional relationship, while other attractive offers are coming around. I just can’t decide whether in his head he regards me as a seriously potential mate, minus the marriage and kids, neither one of us see these variables in our future. I do want love and partnership from this noncomformnist man.

    Thank You Susan,

  • Lena2011

    I have been dating this guy for about 5 months, but it’s not a real relationship, it’s just friends with benefits. There are many factors to why we both agree we aren’t dating. First is our age difference, even though it is legal, I am 17 and he is 21. We have been having sex for about 4 months now. We have known each other for about 7 months. In the beginning we both agreed we didn’t want a relationship, that we would just stay friends. I was all for it because I didn’t think I would ever like this guy, because he is not the best looking guy in the world but he is cute and he is a little chubby. I am not going to lie; I know I am a very attractive girl so I never thought I would grow feelings for this guy. But over time he became more and more attractive to me. He was cute and dorky, but I am too and there is so many things that we have in common. This guy doesn’t talk to me all day long like we used to and I just feel like he doesn’t go out of his way for me ever. Which I feel isn’t showing he really likes me back. He tells me that he likes me a whole lot all the time. He is constantly complimenting me and he swears he has never been a cheater and will never be with another girl as long as we are seeing each other. BUT I live with a strict father so the only time I get to see the guy is when I’m at home along and I can walk to his house and hangout with him.( We are neighbors btw) So I normally see this guy almost every other day and not on the weekends. My dad would never approve of him because of his age, even though I really think he is a good guy. I don’t have a car and I don’t have any freedom in my house to go places or hang out with friends. The guy I’m seeing says if I had more freedom he would love to date me but it’s hard because of this and I agree. I’ve just grown feelings for this guy and I’m not sure if I should just walk away and give up because I know my father would never allow it or keep having a secret relationship until I do get more freedom. Having a secret “relationship” kind of makes me nervous because most of his friends will never know I even hangout with him. So if he ever did cheat I would never be able to find out. He claims he really wants to be friends no matter what happens because he wants a relationship in the future when I have freedom to go out with him and his friends, but I have grown feelings for him now. I also have a bad habit to get jealous with the girls he is friends with though he doesn’t have many and he doesn’t constantly hangout with one woman in particular. I just worry sometimes, but I know most of his friends’ aren’t the type of guys. They are in relationships or they are respectful guys. Two of his friends that I know of, know of me.. I think that’s a good sign because I met them and he says they both really liked me.

  • Jamie

    i met this guy 6 months ago, he and i constantly kept in touch every single day when i left the country and he told me towards the end how much he liked me, and ultimately one night texted me while drunk saying he was in love with me (we used to talk for hours every single day). when we finally got together things were awesome, but i got drunk and yelled at him and i dont remember what i said and he wont tell me what i said but he was freaked out and stopped calling me the usual nick names etc but we still had sex after that episode i guess i did in an attempt to get closer to him, but he never wanted to be with me in public after that, his excuse was every one thinks we are dating already and i dont want a commitment (he had a bad break up). but he still texted me or called me every day, and his friends talk to me and make an effort to get to know me and always ask me to hang out but this guy says he’s not uncomfortable with that or avoids the subject so i dont hang with his friends. yet, when he meet up at each others house to hook up he cuddles me constantly, tells me things like how his never been so comfortable with any one like this, strokes my hair, hugs me close when we fall asleep together and he doesnt hook up with any one else but me.. we are now a part once again in different countries but he still texts me every day and calls me at least twice or thrice a week and we have phone sex, and once when he called me drunk he told me he doesnt want to have sex with any one but me and how much he misses me… but after that he kinda backed off and the past couple of days after he said that while drunk i think he got embarrassed bcos he’s just been texting me with no intimate talk like before.. i dont know whats going on and why hes pulling away.. he doesnt want to be with in public but pretty much every one knows we are hooking up and our friends know about each other as well.. and he did tell me he loved me once and keeps in touch.. but hes so hot and cold i dont know what to do… also when i see him again in a few months we plan on doing the usual hooking up.. also he always encourages me to meet other guys BUT if i do anything with any one else he gets so upset.. so i dont know why he is encouraging me.. i havent done that again in months bcos i dont want to hurt him.. but again a week ago he was encouraging me to meet other guys and hook up and i was like ‘why are u telling me to do this do u really want me to?” and he was like ‘no.. i dont.. i dont know why i am telling u to i really dont know’ i didnt reply and he kept messaging me saying please reply and then he called me but i told him i dont want to argue and fight and to please talk about any thing else but not why he keeps encouraging me to hook up.. why are guys so confusing.. i just dont get it.. does he actually have feelings for me or is it just a hook up?

  • counfused girl

    Hi, I have read a lot of your posts and seems as though hook up situations can be very confusing lol. I am relatively new to this whole hook up/FWB thing and i need some objective advice. I met this guy i work with about 6 months ago. At the time he was in a relationship and so was I. I had been with my boyfriend for 3 yrs. Me and my coworker were very flirty from the beginning and all our coworkers would joke about us but nothing had ever happened at that point. We started hanging out a lot this summer and he seemed as if he liked me. We spent a couple nights cuddling after hanging out with friends at his house. The third time we were cuddling at his house we ended up sleeping together. This was about 3 months ago. His friend told me he really liked me a lot, but at the time I was still with my bf( terrible i know but that relationship was dying, he moved out of the country). I didn;t want a relationship with him back then so i didn’t always reciprocate his affections. We hooked up a couple more times and hung out. He would sometimes refer to me as his gf and try to kiss me and hug me. Then we kinda stopped hooking up for awhile. I broke up with my bf 3 weeks ago n this guy and i hung out and had a great time and slept together again. The only problem is now that i don’t have a bf i am developing feelings for him or at least am able to act on feelings i had but i am not sure how he feels. He treats me like his gf sometimes, calls me hunnie, kisses me all the time and one time i was joking that we should have a threesome with this guy( haha it was a joke!) he said ” well we better do it before we start dating”. on the other hand, he doesnt always call me when he says he will and his ex gf still calls him sometimes although he says he doesnt want to be with her. Also the whole time i have known this guy his friends always call him a man whore which concerns me a lot, but at the same time this summer i spent a lot of time with him to the point where i would have noticed if he was with lots of girls. IDK please help haha

  • Another Confused Girl

    Hi Susan,

    If you could help me out here I’d greatly appreciate it. Well, I’ve been seeing this guy for about 6 weeks, and I’m getting mixed signals (probably giving them too!) Well, I’ve known him for years but not well, just from school. We hadn’t seen each other for years until recently where I ran into him at a bar. We talked, and danced, and ended up kissing. But we didn’t exchange numbers or anything; we just saw it I think as a chance encounter, plus he knew I’d just gotten out of a relationship.

    Then I saw him again by chance, and we decided to make plans to hang out. Since then we’ve seen each other about once or twice a week, at least once a week, and I’ve stayed at his house about three times. We hooked up physically fairly early on; earlier than I’m used to. We haven’t had the talk but seem rather to make faint inplications of interest and intent; I’m not sure what either of us wants! I have mixed feelings myself, but I want something more than casual- I would like to be exclusive, hang out more, and get to know hm better.

    He has said that he likes me, finds me very attractive, said he likes spending time with me. Said he wanted me to know that he didn’t just want sex. He makes allusions to us being together (well, hanging out) in the future, but still it’s unclear. For example, he said this winter he’d like to take me skiing. He wants to get out and do things. He’s invited me to dinner, to the movies. Opens the car door for me. Walks me out of his house. Once when we were in bed he said ” i love so much of you,” but we haven’t said the L word. He is affectionate- kisses me hello, holds my hand, calls me hun and baby. But still I’m not sure if he is my boyfriend, or wants to be, or if we’re FWBs.

    One reason we haven’t had the talk is that I am a little shy towards him. My previous relationships have been heavy cohabitating type situations or long distance; I’ve never really “dated” anyone so I have no idea what is normal, or expected, or what to do. I know I should be more open with him, but I don’t want to scare him away. Also I think we’re both moody and complex personalities, sometimes fickle. So sometimes I don’t know what to make of him and psych myself out; how much do I like him? How do I find out more? How much does he care? What’s going to happen?

    I want to be patient, and give him a chance. Yet I’m feeling unsure about things, about what I want, and what he wants. How do I bring it up? I don’t want to create problems where there are none, or end things out of fear if there’s real potential. But I can’t continue feeling so insecure, and withholding my feelings. I have trouble talking about my feelings and think that maybe he does too.

    Also I wonder about contact, how often phone calls should occur (I don’t have a cell so texting is not an option.) We make small talk on facebook when we’re both online; somestimes I start it, sometimes he does. The contact has been pretty even between us, though we go a day or two without talking sometimes. That would be more ok if I were more confident about things, but again I feel unsure. Bottom line, I want to get to know him, to communicate better, and have what you call “the talk” or some version of it. What is the best way to bring it up?

    Finally, I feel like making plans is usually up to him. When we do talk, it seems like random small talk and we don’t always make plans for the next day or so on. Is this a communication issue, or does this indicate a noncommitment from one or both of us? We are both very busy-he works full time, and I am a full time student.

    What do you think? Maybe I’m too passive? …

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    I’m checking in on this very old thread, and I will answer all outstanding questions to the best of my ability. After that I will close comments and give instructions for contacting me.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Noidea Girl
    Although he clearly enjoys your company and likes spending time with you, his referring to you as “bestest friend” is a red flag. He is announcing to the world that you are friends, not two people entering a romantic or committed relationship. I don’t know whether you’re a rebound exactly – that depends in part on who initiated his recent breakup. In any case, you should ask him why he is calling you a friend at the same time he is seeking sex. If you’re not down for FWB, you need to let him know that.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Gypsy Girl
    By now you probably know what your old FWB was thinking. For future reference, I think that if you have something casual with someone, stop and then pick up again at some future point, you should assume that it is still casual. Unless he has specifically stated that he wants something different this time, I think you can assume he’s recycling the old deal. For the record, talking on the phone all the time is not any form of commitment or sign that he wants you for more than a f*ckbuddy. Guys like to cuddle and be affectionate with girls, even when they have no desire for a girlfriend. Being someone’s “fake girlfriend” doesn’t count, so don’t deceive yourself.

    Asking a guy what he is looking for, or how he sees you is always easier before you have sex.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Julz
    In a situation like yours I would definitely enjoy what you have! At three months, you’re definitely at the point where a talk about the relationship is appropriate. In fact, I think it’s very odd when people get really close and are spending a lot of time together and don’t talk about what they’re doing, or try to define it in some way. Both parties have something to lose when there’s a misunderstanding.

    Re sex on the first date, yes it’s a risky move but not necessarily a dealbreaker, obviously. It depends on what the two parties are thinking from the start. If both of you were ready for a relationship, had sex early and went on to spend time together, as you have, a relationship is just as likely to succeed as if you had waited longer to have sex.

    Good luck.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Charlotte
    I’m alarmed that you told this guy you would always be there “regardless of his mistakes.” Why would you say that??!!! You should only be there as long as your relationship is satisfying and fulfilling for both of you. It would be a grave mistake to put your needs on the back burner while trying to meet his. Men can’t take advantage of your good nature if you demonstrate self-respect by refusing to stick around when someone treats you poorly.

    If after three months, he is not ready for a relationship, I would end it. Let him know that if and when he feels ready he is free to contact you, but that you are interested in being official and enjoy exclusive relationships. You have absolutely nothing to gain by caving in and doing it his way. He’s either ready or he’s not, and you can’t wait it out.

    Unless a man says, “I am ready now, with you” then a woman should walk away if a relationship is her goal.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Plantiflora
    You both sound very young. I’m sure he is eager to get some sexual experience, but you are correct to be suspicious of his motives. I urge you to have sex when and if you feel that the relationship is something that you can count on.

    Re his not being able to enter you, it can take a while for a woman to become aroused enough to make penetration easy. The two of you should spend plenty of time doing other things before you try for sexual intercourse. If you are dry, lube can help, but if you are anxious and your pelvis is contracted you are definitely not ready.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Constance
    You’re living in a kind of relationship limbo. You’re having sex but have no idea what he is thinking about you. There are very, very few women who can pull that off, and it’s clear you like him. There is only one way to know how he feels about you and that is to ask him. Do not look for signs that he likes you as a substitute for his telling you directly. Men often enjoy spending time with women, being affectionate, cooking meals together, etc. and then still have absolutely no desire to become an exclusive couple.

    Women always hate raising the issue, but it’s a no-lose situation. Here’s why: if he doesn’t want a relationship, he will say so and you will be free to end it and find someone more compatible. If he does, you can proceed directly to being official. Either way, being in limbo is just a huge waste of time! Good luck.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Buffy
    Forget hints! Tell him how you feel and see if he feels the same way. He’s already said he doesn’t want a girlfriend, so you’re facing an uphill battle here. If you don’t get clarification on this you are setting yourself up for a huge disappointment. And if you do hear the worst, then cut him off 100%. Go completely silent. You cannot be friends, you cannot have buddy sex, nothing. That’s my advice.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    a.

    By now you know whether the guy wanted to keep seeing you, but it sounds like it is strictly sexual. If he had real feelings, he would not have been eager to go hook up with other people, even if you were the one who suggested it. If he’s able to pull girls whenever he wants, then he has options, and college guys with options rarely commit.

    I will tell you that I think your chance of being happy in a FWB relationship is about zero. I have never heard of a woman wanting casual sex with the same person over a period of time without catching some kind of feelings. I’m sure it happens, but it’s clear you won’t be one of those girls.

    Get out of that arrangement, and wait for a guy who is interested in a relationship. With you, and only you.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Anna
    That sounds like a good predicament to be in. He’s wanted more from the start, and now you’re starting to have feelings for him. So enjoy it and see where things go.

    The timing isn’t great, because you’ve just been hurt. But you already knew that.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @lisa
    I’m sorry, but if you expressed your confusion and he did not say anything, I’m afraid you have your answer. If he cared he would have been eager to reassure you and clarify that he cares for you. It sounds like he had a great vacation fling for a few weeks, but feels no sense of obligation or wish to be in any kind of regular, ongoing contact. Long-distance relationships are very difficult, and many people don’t want to do that. I know that you wish he was the one for you, but I don’t believe he is. The sooner you can cut yourself loose from any contact at all with him, the sooner you will feel open to meet someone who might be emotionally available.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Lily
    He told you up front that he is not looking for a girlfriend. Why don’t women ever believe it when men tell them that? It’s very, very unusual for a guy to say that and then do a 180 and change his mind. He obviously enjoyed having sex with you, and was happy to say all the right things and make all the right noises to keep getting it. Your letting him come over for sex late night? It couldn’t be easier for him!

    Any time you have sex with a guy and then a few days pass with no word you have your answer: No relationship.

    Don’t waste the pretty on a guy who is looking for strictly casual.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Lisa
    My advice is to stop playing games and trying to pretend something you’re not feeling – being “just friends.” Lay your cards on the table, and see what happens. It sounds to me like you care a lot about him and would like to seriously date him. You’re young at 24 but you shouldn’t even consider spending a year or two with this guy if he’s not ready for something serious. That’s a total waste for you when you are in your prime! Of course he’s in no hurry, but it’s different for women.

    If he says “no relationship” then walk away and don’t look back. It isn’t meant to be, your goals are not compatible. Of course there’s attraction, and friendship and real feeling. But that’s not enough to merit a one-way commitment on your part.

    At 27 he should be thinking of growing up. There’s no reason he can’t have a girlfriend and still have his guy time. If this is a case of arrested development, you’d be better off ending it.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Marcela
    Three weeks have passed since you wrote so he’s probably made a move by now! In general, if he is asking to see you and wanting to spend time together, you can assume that he likes you, especially if he is not trying for sex. He does sound slow but that’s OK. He’s probably petrified. If it’s still an issue, I’d set it up so that he has no choice but to kiss you. Sit close, look into his eyes, smile, stay silent and wait. Just wait as long as it takes. If he pulls away, ask him what the heck his problem is!

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Lela
    I think you already know the answer to your question. You describe this man as an entrepreneur, workaholic and frustrated artist. His marriage ended fairly recently. He has literally had trouble fitting you into his schedule and has admitted that even close family members feel that he doesn’t make time for them. He may be wonderful, but these are all red flags if you are seeking a deep and abiding commitment. Nothing in your story indicates he is interested in a love relationship, nor is he willing to make a relationship with a woman a priority in his life right now.

    You say you want love and partnership from this man, but it seems to me that he’s made it pretty clear he’s not offering either. You’re already in deep, so you owe it to yourself to clarify this asap. Tell him how you feel and ask if he feels the same way and can see it working out. Otherwise you’re just stumbling around in the dark, and that almost never ends well. Best of luck.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Lena2011
    I don’t get what’s so great about this guy, especially as you say he never goes out of his way for you. Don’t you want a relationship with someone who makes your relationship a priority? You’re FWB, which is zero strings, and you’re still very young and live at home. I understand there’s an element of the forbidden here, and that is very enticing, but a secret relationship can’t really grow in a healthy way, and secret FWB? Why even bother? If you said he was crazy about you and that the two of you wanted to go public with your relationship, I’d support that. But I don’t think this guy sounds like he has anything to offer. And the age difference is pretty large at your age.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Jamie
    I’m sorry, but it’s just a hookup. He’s gone out of his way to make clear that he doesn’t want anything more. Not wanting to be seen with you in public is a major red flag and also offensive. He’s ashamed to be seen with you but not ashamed to have sex with you?

    Women need to understand something – this is important: it does not matter if he kisses the tip of your nose, your eyelids, stares at you while you sleep, strokes your hair, spoons, cuddles, says i love you once while drunk. None of it. Matters. The only thing that matters is what he says he wants, and whether he behaves consistently with what he says. That’s it. If there’s no verbal commitment, all the other stuff is just a fun little diversion for him, and is totally meaningless.

    I’m sorry to be harsh, but I have seen literally dozens, even hundreds of women convince themselves that guys care using this kind of evidence, only to learn that none of it meant a thing. Don’t read into his behaviors. Listen to what he says.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @confused girl
    If his friends call him a manwhore, he probably is one, b/c guys usually have each other’s backs on that in front of girls. In fact, most friends will go to great lengths to convince girls that their buddy is a really good guy, not a manwhore at all, and really likes her, etc.

    Calling you affectionate names and referring to a future time when you might be dating is not a commitment. Guys know that girls want to hear exactly those things, so they do it without making any kind of real commitment. Just because you don’t see him with lots of other girls doesn’t mean he doesn’t have something else going on or wouldn’t jump at the chance if a hot new girl fell into his lap.

    Also, the relationship got off the ground on shaky terms. Relationships that start out with a cheating incident often don’t last, for obvious reasons. You’ve identified yourself as someone who would cheat, and he is someone who will jump at the chance to hook up with someone else’s gf.

    If you like him, you’ll need to ask him what he wants. If he doesn’t want to nail it down, I’d walk and not look back.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Another Confused Girl
    Yes, I do think you are being too passive. The relationship sounds very promising overall, so I don’t think you should be afraid to raise the issue with him. There’s nothing wrong with being the one to bring it up – it’s on your mind and you would like to clarify it and be able to chill out about it.

    I think you could just say “Listen, I’m not very good at having serious talks, but I find myself feeling confused about what we’re doing. I want us to talk it out so that we can make sure we’re on the same page.”

    Then be very open and honest about how you feel and what you want. You won’t have to recite this as a monologue – he’ll jump in and talk too. Don’t hold back, but make it clear you’re not trying to pressure him. Tell him that you want to continue to spend time together and get to know each other better. That you enjoy the sex, and that it is meaningful to you. You need to know whether he feels the same way. If the conversation doesn’t resolve it, you can finally ask, “where do you see this going?”

    It’s so hard for young people today to ask these questions. When we had traditional dating, the steps were pretty clear and vocalized along the way. With physical intimacy preceding emotional intimacy, it can feel like no man’s land. You’re having great sex, but are afraid to say you care for him.

    Good luck, let me know how it turns out!

  • Marcela

    Hi Susan! Thanks for answering to my previous mssg, I love reading your messages!

    So no, HE HASNT MADE A MOVE YET!! and I have to admit that Im shy around him too, I get really nervous!
    So we are still hanging out every weekend, I went to his place, I even met some of his friends when we went to a concert but still no kissing, holding hands, no sex, any of that.

    So Im still confuse.. its now been almost 2 months… Should I ask him, if he likes me just as a friend or something more? I don’t want to scared him off…

    Thanks Again! Marcela

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Marcela
      Whether you take action depends on what you want. If you are OK with just being friends, and you don’t want to risk that, you can continue to wait or just figure he’s never going to make a move. If you like him, though, and you want more than friendship, I think you are going to need to give him a nudge. You could tell him you like him as more than a friend. Or you could take the initiative physically. I don’t know, I’d probably go for the kiss, but I’m impulsive that way.

      I’m wondering if there is a cultural aspect here?

  • Marcela

    OMG! Susan!
    Im so confuse, Im going crazy!!! We are both from latino backgrounds so maybe its a cultural thing..
    Do you think I should ask him why he is not making move or if he just sees me as a friend?

    Thanks again!

  • Marcela

    One of my friends suggested to just ask him to kiss me! And see how he reacts… what do you think? I think Im going to need a shot before I do that haha

    Thank you sooooo much for taking the time to read and respond to my messages! :)

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Marcela
      Instead of asking him to kiss you, why not kiss him? Go for it! How could he not be pleased? Guys generally don’t spend a lot of time cultivating platonic friendships with women.

  • Marcela

    Hi Susan!
    We r meeting this friday so I will let you know if I make the move hehe…

    Thank you!

  • Jamie

    thank u so much susan i appreciate your honesty. just one more question. when i tried to end things he called me 15 or more times till i picked up crying saying he couldnt be without me in his life and that if i stop talking to him he will never be even friends with me and cut me off because thats the only way he could get over me. that confused me because when i tried to end it he got so upset. and he started calling me baby and sweetie again in the past few days some thing which he stopped before until i tried to end it.. so once again im confused. do u still think i should get out while i can??

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Jamie
    It’s time for an ultimatum. He either wants to be with you in a fully committed boyfriend/girlfriend relationship or you’re done. If he’s in tears he should be relieved and thrilled that you want to be his gf.

    If he doesn’t want that he’s a manipulative bastard and you should cut him out of your life entirely. Delete his number, defriend him, block him on IM, etc.

    It’s one or the other. There is no in-between.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2009/06/15/hookinguprealities/10-signs-that-your-hookup-is-falling-for-you/ Danielle

    I recently found and started talking to my first love after not seeing or talking to him for 20 yrs we have been communicating via text and phone calls for over a month, he lives about 2-3 hours away from me. When we first starting texting it was every few days or so and then before I knew it we have been texting everyday, he usually texts me before he goes to sleep and in the morning when he wakes. He is going out of town to vegas for his job and asked me to come along he would pay for my ticket and all my accomodations we have talked about sex on several occasions and I suppose there is an expectation of sex on this trip my question is is he only in it for the sex?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Danielle
      I have no idea if he’s in it only for the sex, but he’s clearly making that a priority. Two to three hours isn’t that long a drive – you could have had a weekend visit before now. I’d be very wary.

  • Confused

    Hi Susan,
    I wrote to you earlier, I have a question me and my hook up have been hooking up for a few years, roughly 3 years now. It used to just be sex but look at the past 6 months to a year the sex has changed. As much as these words make me cringe it’s turned into making love. He holds my hands during it, kisses me on the forehead, strokes me plays with my hair etc….. he make the whole experience all about me. My question is can a guy fake making love/ passion/ intimacy? Or when he does it is it real?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Confused

      My question is can a guy fake making love/ passion/ intimacy? Or when he does it is it real?

      Of course a guy can fake it, they often do. However, there is usually the ulterior motive of sex. In your case, that doesn’t sound likely. Why not just mention that things have felt really different recently and you wonder what it means?

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    Confused,

    Maybe if you hook up with him for another ten years he’ll think about making you his girlfriend.

  • Jesus Mahoney

    Confused,

    me and my hook up have been hooking up for a few years, roughly 3 years now. It used to just be sex but look at the past 6 months to a year the sex has changed. As much as these words make me cringe it’s turned into making love.

    I cringed when I read this because it seems crystal clear to me that if, after 3 yrs, your only clues about how he feels relate to his sexual repertoire, then he’s only in it for the sex.

    I love hair. I can stroke it, run my fingers through it, bury my face in it, feel its light feathery touch on my penis, etc… But as much as I love hair, I don’t have to love the girl attached to the hair in order to love playing with the hair.

    And to be honest, holding your hands seems more like domination than devotion.

    Ask the dude how he feels. You’ve been letting the dog bury his bone in you for the past three years, and yet you feel too awkward to just talk it out with him?

  • Jesus Mahoney

    Oh okay.  Well I wouldn’t worry about it, then.  My guess would be that he doesn’t see you as girlfriend material either.  Maybe he feels some affection, but I doubt anything more–at least I doubt it based on anything you’ve said.

  • Jesus Mahoney

    I’m back. The whole, ‘I love you “heaps” ‘ thing is interesting to me. The word heaps seems not only to quantify his love for you, but also to qualify it. Heaps is slangy and almost childish. He seems to be trying to say that he enjoys being with you but that he wouldn’t take anything you have together seriously. So either he feels that way, which would be okay I’d guess cuz it sounds like you feel the same, or else he’s trying to tell you he loves you but is using the word heaps to protect himself.

    I just can’t see falling for a woman who’d fuck for three years a guy she shows no inclination for more with. Poor pre-selection, I guess. But the world takes all kinds. I’d just make your feelings clear.

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  • I don’t understand

    I’ve been trying to let this go and I found your website and decided to just get it out one time in hopes of finally having some clarity! So I met this guy 6 yrs ago in college, wasn’t really attracted to him and didn’t really say much to him at all and then one day it just hit me. Couldn’t explain it but just something about him somehow got me attracted to him. Still can’t explain it 6 yrs later! My friend encouraged me to email him just making simple conversation and he responded back pretty much telling me he noticed me and wanted to hang out. He contacted me everyday until we finally hung out and it was like we’ve known eachother for years. I realized that day that I’ve never met anyone just so similar to me. I don’t consider myself the normal everyday kind of girl and I have always found it hard to find someone who really understands me. Nothing happened between us but it was pretty obvious we both wanted to. He still tried to hang out with me again and trying to figure out a day. Long story short we had a conversation and he said something that I took the wrong way and pretty much thought he wasn’t interested in me at all. Which I guess wasn’t the case. I took it wrong because i had just gotten out of a long distance relationship and probably wasn’t ready to open up then. Things ended like that and didn’t talk to him anymore.
    6 months after that, I wanted to apologize to him, whether he would care or not, just wanted to get it out of my system to move on so first I wrote to him asking him how he was doing and he responded that he was doing well and all that, so I then sent an apology for what had happend before and he never responded back, so I figured either he didn’t care or I hurt him, not really sure. I let it go even though it bugged me. A year after that, I found him on a social site with mutual friends and I friend requested him. He accepted. I just let it go and finally he emailed me to see how I was doing and noticed some changes I’ve made (just school direction and such) and was writing to me like nothing bad happened in the past. So we wrote back and forth and finally decided to hang out again. The first thing he said to me after hi was, so what happened? How come you stopped talking to me? So I explained to him about my past relationship and that I didn’t think I was ready and he totally understood and we left it in the past. We ended up just hanging out like the first time and it felt the same. We were just finishing eachothers sentences and just talking in general. He seemed then, and every other time we hung out, was that he truly wanted to get to know me. He always asks me question after question after question about me, almost like I don’t even get a chance to answer his questions because he keeps asking more! And what I like that most is that he remembers everything I tell him about me. Everything. He clearly pays attention to what I have to see. That night he finally kissed me and it just felt so wonderful. I connected with him. He tried to take it further but I said no because I didn’t want to be that type of girl. He said he was fine with it but I could tell he really wanted to get close.
    We kind of talked off and on since then because we were both busy with end of school/finals and such and somehow we got to talking and agreed we would take it a step further and hook up. I really wanted to and I guess I couldn’t be tough about it anymore! Before we hooked up, I asked him what his plans were then because he graduated that semester and he told me he was going to leave the country to teach English. My heart dropped and I guess I realized then that we probably wouldn’t be getting in a relationship because I figured it would be impossible to do when separated like that. I understood and we hooked up but at the same time it didn’t feel like just a hook up. It felt like more. He moved back to his parents house, just 8 hrs away from where I live and a few days later on new years eve/day, he spent hours just texting me and focusing on me while at a party when most people would be having fun and just partying the night away. He thought of me while there. Saw him a few days after that and we hooked up again. But it wasn’t just hooking up. We talked before, even had a normal conversation during the intimacy!, and talked after, still asking me questions and trying to get to know me. He left the next day to travel for a graduation present his parents gave him so didn’t hear from him for a couple weeks. After he came back, I didn’t hear from him much because I had a feeling he was going to be leaving soon for his job out of the country and maybe that he didn’t want me to get attached/him to get my hopes up, but then all of a sudden I was hearing from him everyday. Keeping in contact with me everyday. Every single day. He was living at home so I wasn’t able to see him until he told me he was going to be in town and wanted to see me so we set a date and made plans to see eachother. We again hooked up but we still talked for hours still trying to ask me questions and figure me out. I finally asked him when he was leaving the country and he told me next week he was going and it crushed me. He then told me that he wanted me to find someone else and I told him I didn’t want anyone else. He then said that he was a loser and going nowhere with his life and that I deserve someone better than him. I don’t think he was saying that just to get me away. I have a feeling that maybe he really does feel that way and really thinks I deserve better. So basically I was sad and he knew that but he had to leave. I told him I didn’t want him to leave and he looked back at me and said, You really don’t want me to go, do you? And I said, I don’t want you to but I you should go because that’s what your heart wants and you don’t want to live a life full of regrets. I basically couldn’t sleep that night after he left.
    My heart just shattered into pieces. I don’t do this with anyone. I’m a very selective person and I am aware of who I like/who I don’t and am picky because I don’t want just anyone! We emailed back and forth just once every while, while he was traveling just to see how he was doing and then all of a sudden I didn’t hear from him anymore. I realized that he was with another girl he met there who was from a different country. It hurt me but at the same time, I just understood cause he was there by himself and probably felt lonely. Over a year has gone by and he finally sends me an email, but he didn’t say anything, just sent me a link he wanted me to see about his experiences there. I took this that he was testing me to see if I’d respond or if I gave up on him. I responded just saying that I saw it and I enjoyed reading it and glad he was doing well. He responded a little later writing back excitedly that I wrote him and he wanted to see how I was doing and all that. We had been writing back and forth for about 7 months. I realized that the girl was still there with him. I had a feeling that she wasn’t going to be there any longer or he lost interested. Don’t really know because he never told me about her. Just kind of figured through his friend site thing. But she was only there for a few months into the start of our emails and I guess she left. We still emailed for the remainder of the 7 months before I got a surprise message from him after 7 months of emailing that he was back home for the holidays to visit and he wanted to see me so we made plans to see eachother and he drove down with a friend to stay with his other friend and make sure to see me. I don’t know his reasons because I of course can’t read his mind, but if I’m not mistaken he drove all the way down just to see me because in that weekend he only saw the friend he drove down with, the friend who let him stay at his place, me, and his brother. I don’t think he drove down for another reason because his brother ended up going to visit his family for the holidays a few days after that so I took it that the main reason he came down was for me.
    I went to see him with the strength to not hook up with him and I fell week and we did. It still felt the same like before but what had changed is he doesn’t want me with anyone else. I told him I had a one night stand in another country with some guy I met while traveling, no big deal, I thought, but I told him because he wanted to know if I was with anyone while he had been gone. He got jealous mad and told me he wanted to beat the guy up (just figurately, of course! This was before I told him it was out of the country and not any guy around here) and even during the hook up he brought the guy up and he wanted to make sure that I didn’t have him in mind and that I didn’t think any guy was better for me than he was. I reassured him I was still into him and had no other guy in mind. I never brought up to him that I knew about the other girl he was with. I didn’t think he would last with her anyway so I wasn’t really worried but I guess I just didn’t bring it up to him or I just blocked it out. Again I’d like to say before, during, and after the intimate time, we still had a full on conversation catching up and he was still asking me questions and questions still wanting to know more about me. Even bringing up stuff in the past that I told him because he remembers everything I tell him. Finally, I had to go and while he was walking me out, he turned and asked me “Where are we?” and I responded stupidly because I guess I didn’t understand what he was saying so I responded with the city that I met up with him and he said the city and connected it with a country that had the same city that we were in. And I said I wish. I realized later that day that he was asking “What are we?” I felt stupid and laughed it off later. I emailed him the next day apologizing and don’t know how I took it that way and asked him what he meant by “Where are we?” and I never got a response from him. My friends told me that I blew it and that was the only chance I was going to get because either he thought I responded that way because I wasn’t interested in him or because he is afraid of getting hurt. Anyways, before I left I asked him when he was going to move back here and he said he wasn’t sure, indefinitely.
    I said that’s fine, because deep down, I’m not the type to push people to doing things and I am a firm believer in letting things just happen.
    Heard from him once everywhile until around October of last year that he was giving me a heads up that he would because around in December, which I wouldn’t have been able to see him because I was going to be traveling around that time, which I found out that was when he was coming back permanently. I realized then that I don’t want to be that girl who gives years to a guy who decides late that she isn’t the right girl for him and leaves her and finds someone else. That’s my fear because I don’t want to be the girl before the girl the guy marries. And he hides his feelings well, so instead of just waiting to talk to him in person I spoke before I thought and sent him an email telling him that I just didn’t want to just hook up everytime I saw him, I wanted to know what was on his mind. (He was still out of the country when I sent him this and I know I should have waited.) He responded saying “What do you mean? I’m not there right now! Did you forget?! Silly.” I wrote back saying that I didn’t forget! I guess I just wanted to know but I should have waited. And he never responded after that. My friends told me to let it go and/or just follow my heart but not to listen to anyone, just myself.
    I felt like I had soo many questions and decided to send him an email basically telling him that what I wrote before wasn’t what I meant and what I meant was that I enjoyed our friendship before and I realize that I can’t do the in between because I can’t handle it and I have feelings. I also told him I was confused because he didn’t want me with anyone else and he could get that ‘jealous’ tone if there was any guy and how he kept in contact with me all these years and I didn’t know what that means and I felt like I deserve to know something because of that. I told him to tell me the truth, even if it hurts, and it took him awhile to respond back, I’m guessing either he put it to the side because I blew it and he didn’t care or because he was trying to figure out what to say. I’ll never know. He finally responded telling me he didn’t want to hold me back and that he really wasn’t making sure I wasn’t with anyone, that he was just asking (which I don’t believe because he got jealous angry when I brought up the last guy, which wasn’t even a big deal to me). He considers us friends, nothing more, nothing less and that he wanted us on the same page. He apologized for the late response and hopes everything is well with me. He may or may not be telling the truth but I feel it doesn’t correlate with how we were all these years. So I just replied thanking him for responding and and that I’m not the type to chase or be pushy and all about letting things flow. And I said a little joke that would let him know that I was a dang good friend and he better feel lucky to have me as one!
    And I haven’t really heard from him after that and it’s been about 3 months now. And it looks like he isn’t keeping up anymore with his online journal and almost like he’s disappeared. Not from me, but from everyone. But at the same time, I have this feeling like he checks up on me too via my blog and social network site. I know he was gone for awhile and trying to get everything straight now but it doesn’t look like he’s working or going to school, not really sure. I just don’t get it. He made me feel like he really likes me and he knows I like him and I don’t understand why he is acting the way he is. I’ve been told that he does but he is ‘afraid of commitment’ or something, I understand he was traveling before and have always been understanding of that and that could be a reason why he was the way he was, and I’ve heard that if a guy isn’t financially/emotionally ready, he’ll push any girl away, even if he really cares, and who knows maybe he’ll come back when he’s ready. I guess I still feel like I have questions and that I didn’t get clarity at all. I’ve even asked guys whom I trust and they even said that the way he was with me was unusual. Most guys just hook up and move on or I guess the term ‘hit it and quit it’. But it wasn’t like that at all. I know he has dated girls but from what I understand, they were all long distance relationships. I’ve heard that means a guy wants the company of a girl but at the same time wants his distance. Or he has a fear of commitment/doesn’t want to get hurt? Not sure again. I know sporadically through the years he has asked me things like “Would I relocate/leave my area?” I said I guess I would and he said well, you never know you might find a man, fall in love, get married, and move to somewhere like ______”. I said I would be willing to do that if it was the one (I don’t like my area anyway!). I took that he was seeing if I would relocate. He finally brought up his family to me for the first time the last time I saw him, which he has never done that before (I loves his family dearly and are very close). He even brought up to me in front of his friends something like, “If we were living together, would you do this ______”. His friends didn’t say anything but I could see their facial expressions like whoa! living together? That’s a big step! I could really use a different perspective because I’d really like to know what you think! I don’t know what else to do. Thank you for your help :)

    Oh and I forgot to say, concerning the ‘hooking up’, it wasn’t just a physical thing. He was very into kissing me, using eye contact, and making sure I was feeling good, and asking me questions. My facial expressions can be easily read and he could tell right away if I liked or didn’t like something and he right away changed it up and made it better. He toned himself down to make sure it wasn’t too much for me and didn’t put me last.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    OK Confused,

    I see two possibilities here:

    1. You are feigning a lack of interest to protect yourself, i.e. if you vocalize “I don’t want a relationship” you think you won’t fall for him. Evidence for (1): you’re quite defensive about Jesus’ assessment that you’re just boning.

    2. You honestly are just in it for the sex and you are mildly curious or concerned about his “falling for you.” If that is the case, you need to get out now before he gets more emotionally invested. Sure, you can say “he knows it’s just sex and nothing more,” but you should be able to understand that once someone’s emotions start rolling the rational mind can’t make it stop. The right thing to do is drop it to protect both of you.

  • http://Sarah86007@hotmail.com Confused

    @badger

    In this case I have to follow my head and not my heart, I don’t speak to him or see him as much as I used, probably once every 2-4 weeks there has been times where I haven’t spoken to him for months and ever since I’ve distanced myself he has started to open up, when I do see him he keeps me there won’t let me leave sometimes I’m there for a couple of days.
    I have been emotional in the past and he has given me nothing , and it feels like the tables have turned, I ignore him when he gets emotional it ends up being that awkward silence till his forced to change the subject, I know it’s immature and mean but I feel like if I ignore it it’s not there. even when he’s asked don’t I trust him Ive just gone quiet.
    He has burnt me in the past so I choose not to
    listen to anything. I don’t see the point of him bringing all this up, we will NEVER work so I’d rather not know. Im slowly getting stronger and moving on. I’m dating, meeting new people and traveling a lot..

  • dreamy18

    Hi, I have read your responses to the emails and I must say you are incredible! I have a friend whom I knew for a while. We started getting closer in the physical level but when it comes to friends he is there for me. Although he is married and currently separated, he does not want to start new because of his children. We like each other and he mentions he sees me as a friend but his actions says another. Is he afraid of change? Should I make the decision for him and leave it as plantonically as friends? I have feelings for him but I can also shut out my feelings as well. Am I fooling myself and walk away from this situation? Thanks. I may have just answered my question.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @dreamy18
      You did answer your own question! You already know you need to walk away. There is nothing good that can come of this “friendship.” He is not ready for a relationship, period. You are. Move on and find someone more compatible.

  • freshlost

    Hi,

    I am having a major issue right now that is completely stressing me out in a time that I don’t need stress. I met this guy a few weekends back when my friend and I went out party hopping. She passed out on one of the couches in a house we went to- so I asked the guys who owned the house if we could spend the night. They said yes, they were mutual friends, so all was good. I had not been drinking and decided to make my way upstairs to the bedroom of one of the guys. Some of his friends were casually talking and they included me in their conversation right away. I sat down on the bed and eventually leaned back so that my hand was touching the legs of one of the guys. Before I knew it, we were the only 2 left because everyone had gone other places. He was really respectful and went in for a kiss, which I rejected. Then decided, hey, this isn’t so bad- why not. Well, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I contacted him through text within the next few days. He said we should get dinner… we did. He payed and bought me flowers. We hung out after, again with one thing leading to another. After a few times of hanging out (like 4) I noticed that he was holding my hand in public and putting his arm around me in public. The other night, I picked up a pizza and went to his place to get some studying done- which did happen, but again, one thing led to another. Before anything major happens however, every time, he holds my hand and we just lay there. He looks into my eyes, moves my hair from my face and sometimes even just strokes my hair with his hand. When I was at his house a few nights ago, I asked him what we were, and his response was, “I haven’t really thought about it.” I could feel the tension rising and his nervousness so I put my hand on his chest, stroked his forehead and told him not to worry about it, that he didn’t have to think about it at that exact moment and just to relax. Usually when he says good bye, he would give me a great hug and kiss on the forehead, but at the end of that night, it was an awkward hug. I don’t want to text or call because I don’t want to feel like I am nagging- what should I do? I don’t know what to think, or how to act. I really do like this guy, we have gotten to know each other over the past few weeks, but I need some advice on what to do next. Looking forward to hearing your advice. Thanks.

  • Helen

    Hi,

    I just want to mention that  I have a friend with benefits, and we both agreed that we are in it for the sex.  It’s great, it’s hot, and amazing.  He always compliments me and will drop anything to do what I ask.  I also have to remind him that when I find a boyfriend its over. He’s fine with that and hopes what we have last forever.  I laugh because although he would be the most perfect partner to have it’s seriously a no go.  If you sleep with a guy before you really get to know each other then that is all he will be looking forward to is my belief.  Such a shame though, but oh well.  As much as I would love to be with him, realistically it will never happen.  So I keep my options open and kick myself in the head hahaha

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Helen
      I don’t understand your comment at all. If he wants it to last forever, and you would love to be with him, what’s the problem? Is he adamant that he wants to keep it casual? Are you in love with him? If so, be careful, that way lies heartache.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    Helen/Susan,

    I find Helen’s comment to encapsulate all of a typical woman’s (and a lot of men’s) thoughts about FWB at the same time.

    There’s talking oneself into the rationality of the arrangement (neither of us have time for a relationship, don’t want to get tied down, what about my career, etc etc), the rational setting of boundaries (you don’t have to call the next day, sleeping over is optional, yada yada yada), the repeating of “there’s no place like home” (“it’s only sex, I’m not having any feelings for him/her,”) the admission that they’d love to have a real relationship, endless questions about what this or that semi-romantic gesture means (holding hands during sex, making breakfast, calling for no reason), barely repressed frustration at the tantalizing could-be’s.

    The real problem with FWB is that no matter what rational boundaries are set, the hindbrain does what it wants, and odds are somebody’s going to want more. The FWB code reframes that person as “in the wrong” for breaking the agreement, but it’s an agreement that can’t be legislated so to speak.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      The real problem with FWB is that no matter what rational boundaries are set, the hindbrain does what it wants, and odds are somebody’s going to want more. The FWB code reframes that person as “in the wrong” for breaking the agreement, but it’s an agreement that can’t be legislated so to speak.

      Definitely. There’s something unfortunate (and perhaps unfair) that the person who feels more gets blamed. For inconveniencing the other person by withdrawing access to easy sex. As if any sex is casual.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    “Definitely. There’s something unfortunate (and perhaps unfair) that the person who feels more gets blamed. For inconveniencing the other person by withdrawing access to easy sex. As if any sex is casual.”

    Likewise this comes up in the discussion of the failing “friend strategy” you had a whole thread about – when a guy realizes that being a chick’s friend isn’t going to get him her body and mind in totality, he withdraws his contribution. And then he is shamed as a “bad friend” and told it’s “unfair” that she loses him, as if she’s the only one who should get to decide the terms of the relationship and whether it exists at all.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      Agreed. No guy should stick around after LJBF. I’ve heard of women doing a 180 when the good guy friend walked, by the way.

  • Marie

    So theres this guy I met who lives on my floor at school, and he is in a few of my classes. We had studied together, hung out in class together and hung out with others around the dorm after he came to my room to introduce himself. (of course he asked for my number so we could keep in contact about classes and such)

    I went to a party he was at and we danced together and he surprised me by telling me he wanted to kiss me ( we did ), then we all went back to the dorm together and hung out, just talking for hours. (there was some kissing involved as well :) ) and he gave me some very nice compliments… *blushes*

    So for the next few weeks we would hang out and cuddle in his room and there was an occasional hookup or two- sometimes it would be after *some* drinking (no sex, I’m a virgin, but he isn’t- he knows that)

    then randomly after we sort of had a date(he asked me)- we went out to dinner and then hooked up completely sober- he stopped texting me..? and asking me to come over.
    he used to text me maybe once a day… we wouldn’t text all day either it was just about classes or about something relevant at the moment (no “hey”. all of our texts had a purpose usually) but there would be some flirty moments of course

    so this time i initiated the date- asking and we planned the place and everything together.. and then we hung out for a the rest of the night and i slept over with him (no sex, but we hooked up) (i had gotten locked out of my dorm and he said i could sleep with him)
    the day of the date came and he canceled on me :( he said his coach said they had to do something as a team that night, but said that “we should do it in the week sometime next week”

    so that would be this week,,, and he has yet to mention it again. we have talked a few times and texted maybe once or twice…

    i don’t know if this guy likes me or what! when we are together in his room hanging out he compliments me and he is always so cute- and we don’t always hook up sometimes we just talk and cuddle. and in class he talks to me a lot. he just never texts me anymore unless i text him first and then it isn’t a long convo. and i have to be the one to initiate him coming to hang out recently.! help!! i really like this kid!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Marie
      It sounds like he is fizzling it. I know you don’t want to hear that. But if you made a graph of the times he initiated, would the line be declining sharply? You like him, of course you want him to be interested, and his interest seems to be waning. Why? There are so many possible reasons. He doesn’t want a girlfriend, he’d rather get casual sex. You’re obviously not a good candidate for that. Or maybe he has met someone else. It happens.

      The truth is that in this SMP many guys are not interested in a long night of cuddling with some groping thrown in. They want to get it in! You should not feel pressured to do that. In fact, I encourage you to wait until you’re with a guy who you like a lot, and who has said he likes you too. It’s so hard, but you have to think of this experience as filtering out boys who are not right for you. A guy looking to get laid is not right for you. A guy who is reluctant to be someone’s boyfriend is not right for you. I know it’s discouraging but look at it this way: only one relationship will lead to marriage. All the other guys between now and then are not going to work out. And that’s normal. He is probably one of those guys..

      Having said all this, if you like him, you might consider telling him. Or saying, “Hey I miss hooking up with you!” Who knows, maybe he thinks you’re not that attracted to him because you’ve been taking it slow. There’s no way to know unless one of you is willing to bring it up. I’m a big believer in saying what you need to say.

  • Helen

    @ Susan,
    Exactly, I don’t really understand it either, so I’m trying to safeguard myself and let it go. Scared I am. I’ve had men I was in love with cheat on me. So I guess I stopped ‘feeling’. Also thank you so much for taking the time to write back. Love your blogs :D

  • Selena

    Hey Susan!

    So I have a complicated situation. I broke up with my boyfriend of two years 2 months ago. To me, we were growing apart a month or two before I broke up with him, so I’m already pretty much over the relationship. I broke up with him because we were spending too much time together, ignoring our friends, never leaving the house, etc.

    One of our mutual friends is a guy I’ve known for years. We actually dated a while back, but too long ago for there to be remaining feelings. I hooked up with him last week, and I’m trying to figure out what to make of it.

    I can’t tell if this is too soon after my ex-boyfriend to be seeing someone new, and I can’t tell what our mutual friend wants to do about us. We (me and my friend) have been talking a lot lately, even before we hooked up. Now, we’re talking even more often, like we’re up all night.

    At first I thought he was a player and it was a one-time thing, but now he’s showing some of your signs. I originally found this article because a few of his friends have told me he’s “in love with me,” whatever that means.

    I think he’s showing signs 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10. I know that’s not all of them, but it’s a lot.

    He’s always asking me about my life or stories from my past. He very clearly tried to figure out how close I still was with my ex, and if I was with another one of our mutual friends. We’ve been talking non-stop, and his friends all know about it every time we hang out. He readily admitted that he’s attracted to me, and he talks to me one-on-one when we’re out with friends, but no PDA. (I guess that’s expected when we only hooked up once.) He holds my hand, gives me hugs, and brushes hair from my face. To my knowledge, he’s not flirting or hooking up with anyone else. And we didn’t have sex, but while we were hooking up he was clearly focused on me.

    That being said, he’s still a player. I’m not even sure if I want it to happen again (I’m looking for something fun, not serious, after that 2 year relationship.) Should I just flat-out ask him, or do I have to get my head on straight first? Is this all too soon for my ex?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Selena
      I wonder how old you are. Assuming you’re young, say between 18 and 22, I would say it’s highly unlikely you’re going to flip a player for any period of time. It doesn’t sound like you have any residual feelings for your ex, and you seem to have ended the relationship, so I wouldn’t delay on that account. I do wonder how the ex feels about you getting tight with his friend. That seems disrespectful to me, unless he’s made it clear he doesn’t mind.

      So, your head is on straight. It does seem awfully soon to do this to your ex. And the only way to find out what the player is thinking or planning is to ask him.

  • Alexis

    Hi, i’ve been reading through all these stories hoping to find one similar to my current dilemma. You give really amazing advice and I really want your opinion on my boy situation..

    Here goes. Me and this guy have talking for a few weeks. Maybe a month now. The first time we hung out we just took a walk and talked. He was a breath of fresh air. I’ve been hung up over my ex since February but i’ve managed to finally get over him. But since we dated for 3 years, i feel like i don’t even know how to date anymore. I know the new guy enjoyed talking to me too since he posted something about it on his facebook. “well i’d say that went pretty good haha” is what he said. We hung out that week and it was fun. One night we just cuddled and i thought maybe this is going somewhere.. but then the next day he told me that he didn’t want to continue with this because he might get back with his ex over the weekend. He said it was his fault why they aren’t together. Apparently she didn’t take him back because of his upset facebook posts and the fact that we started hanging out again. I’ve been worried that I’m just a rebound but i’m not sure… This is why.

    He took forever to kiss me. We cuddled and watched movies if i came over at night. He walks me to class and to my car. He texts me. He asks about my work schedule and school schedule. He asked me to go the movies on friday. He seems like one of the “nice guys”. But he has me so confused! The first time we hooked up (last week) we kissed and touched ( fully clothed). I was touching him (down there) and he told me to stop. After awhile he got up and went to the bathroom. I think he jerked off since he was gone for like 10 minutes. Anyways, we were making out for the 2nd time last night and the same thing happened. Except this time i put my hands down his shorts. I know he liked it but again he told me to stop. I don’t know if he ejaculated or if he just wants to take things slow.. What do you think? Both times we’ve hooked up, i spent the night and he wrapped his arm around me all night and throughout the morning. This 2nd time he kissed me on the cheeks several times after making out and in the morning. He played with my hair a little.

    What do you think about this?

    p.s. sorry for making this so long!!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Alexis
      I wish I could just look in a crystal ball and penetrate his mind, but I cannot. If I had to guess I would say that he is confused or ambivalent about his ex, you, all of it. He does not want to cross a line into a new involvement right now. I actually respect him a lot, most guys would not remove your hand. You have two choices, as I see it. Neither involves continuing to grab his junk. If you’re making out again, things are bound to escalate. The guy is not a robot. If he puts the brakes on ask him why! That’s a very fair and reasonable question. The other thing you can do is just let him set the pace, but if you like him, and you think the ex is a real factor, I wouldn’t recommend it. It sounds to me like you need to get things out in the open. You don’t have to be emo and clingy about it – just ask him very directly what’s up. In other words, communicate like a guy. Open, forthright, direct.

      And for the record, cheek kisses, nose rubs, stroking of hair, spooning, watching you sleep, all of that? It doesn’t mean a thing. I cannot tell you how many women have written to me giving those behaviors as examples of encouragement, only to have the guy say he doesn’t want a relationship. Just because a man enjoys affection in the moment, doesn’t mean he’s ready to sign a lease. It’s a good thing to keep in mind. Watch how he communicates, how often, and whether he wants to spend time with you.

  • annabelle

    Hi, Well similar situations to all really, been seeing this guy for a couple of months, we nearly always have sex.  Have never been on a date.  He texts me everyday without fail and calls me every week.  We both have very busy work schedules and kids etc so find it hard to make time to meet up so when we do we just want to rip each others clothes off.  We kiss, cuddle chat etc.  But now he has started saying that he misses me and can’t wait to spend time with me…………….wtf is going on.  We are exclusive, but both agreed at the very beginning that we did not want heavy relationship and that we both needed our own space as well and could not commit to a demanding relatiosnhip, but that we would not see/sleep with anyone else.  So he misses me, we are exclusive, he texts me everyday (i never text first) and / or phones me….where do i go from here.  I do really like him and think we would be great in a relationship but we do need to make a little more time for each other and at least be able to go out occasionally. How do I broach this with him so it does not sound like I am needy cos I’m not would just like to know whats he thinks is happening cos I have no idea.  It seems to me its going further than just FB relationship.  Prior to us getting together he had been chasing me for a good 6 months…..so I know he likes me.  Advice please.  I would like to try and talk to him over the weekend to find out how he really feels but not sure how to do this or even if any of this means more than just FB.  Thank you xx

     

  • annabelle

    He just text me “I can’t wait to hold you”…….thats not FB speak is it?

     

  • annabelle

    Well, i have seen him he has just gone and to be honest i am now even more confused than I was before. He came round about 9pm ish, we chatted, got fruity chatted more got very fruity & had mindblowingly good sex a number of times. We were laying cuddling and guess what HE started THE TALK…….. wanted to know how I felt about what was happening, to see if I wanted more or was cool with everything. I said I was cool with it but that I did really like him and think that it would be nice if we spent time together getting to know each other but that would happen the longer what we are doing continues as its inevitable, he said he felt bad about what was happening and just wanted to make sure I was ok about it. I said he doesn’t have to feel bad about it as we are doing what we both find conveinient and we both enjoy each others company etc.  We chatted for a long time about all of this, I think i mucked up a couple of times but hey we can only say what we do/don’t feel. But the big problem and why I am now more confused is because he said he does not have time for a proper relationship (neither do I thats fine) that it would not be fair as he cannot commit the time to me or anyone else at the moment.  There is no one else and he does not want anyone else we are exclusive and i said if I met another guy (relationship type) I would stop what we have together, this is when he started to get wierd and was like “no you don’t have to do that we can still see each other, I’d be fine about it”.  He thinks about me everyday and really misses me when we dont get the chance to catch up but its ok cos when we do its so much better. But a few times and especially when he was leaving he seem rejected and offended that I only wanted him as a FB.  I know this contradicts my first post a bit but whilst having the chat I realised I would rather keep it as it is for the time being than not have him and that now we have given it the FB lable I could remove my feelings from the equation……but I am not sure that he can, which is exactly where I was in the beginning, he seemed so dejected, he was joking and fooling around about it – laughing etc like he was really hurt and even said I am going home now to feel shit about this.

    During all of this we contuined to have amazing sex, very sensual – I would almost say even lovingly which has def happened before.  Maybe this is just me but I also feel that when you both orgasm together there is something deeper involved than just “lets fuck and get our rocks off together” but like I said that could just be my way of thinking.

    We talked alot about relationships in general, things that make them go wrong, our own past realtionships and why they went wrong etc and I feel that he is somehow feeling me out, seeing what I think about relationships, men, sex, commitment, longterm relationship changes etc, its like an interview or initaition as to whether or not I am suitable for the 100m sprint or the marathon.

    Its really odd cos as I am typing this I am starting to think how weird it all is and that maybe I should just run a mile………….but somehow I am drawn to him and I know I will not run a mile. There are so many things that point to us being nothing but FB’s but also there are so many things that make it seem like way more than that.

    For the record he is 45 and I am 31.

    You seem very good Susan at dishing out the cold hard truth which is great and a good dose of common sense is always helpful.  Sorry for the rant but its just well confusing. xx

     

  • Samson

    I know this forum is intended for girls, but I feel that you could probably help shed some light on my situation.

    I am a freshman in college, and I met this girl who I am very attracted to about 3 weeks ago. About two nights later I hung out with her and she ended up taking me back to her place where we made out for a good while During the week I text with her most days joking and flirting, but find myself initiating almost all of the conversations. Then came my birthday and she ended up staying after the small party I threw and we had sex. This was my 2nd time ever having sex and I seem to have a very unusual problem. During my first time 3 weeks prior to meeting this girl. I drunkenly lost my V and I was unable to finish which I was sure was primarily due to my intoxication at the time. back to my birthday, on my birthday I had sex with her for a good hour and a half pretty much sober had one or two shots earlier in the eve and I wasn’t able to finish without my friend “pamela handerson” ;). She was fine with it and we enjoyed each others company affectionately cuddling, kissing and talking for several hours. Then in the morning she left and went off and I texted with her the next day. Then I ended up talking a day or two later with our mutual friend who had talked to her about the events of saturday night and said that the girl really loved the affection and cuddling was fine with me not coming but that she had also said that she wasn’t looking for affection. Later that week with that on my mind I realized how I was always initiating and how I’m really falling for this girl. So I decided to take a step back and let her initiate our next interaction. I waited a couple days she didn’t text, so I texted her asking how she was doing and by the end of the convo we determined that after her midterm on thursday we would go out and have fun. But I made it clear that she should text me on thursday. Come thursday she texted me that she wasn’t up for going out. So I texted her about a party I knew about the next night and she agreed right away to go excitedly. So on friday I take her out to dinner and then we meet up with our friends and the whole night we are affectionately kissing and feeling each other and at one point she started rubbing my dick through my pants. I was sure that we would go on to do larger things if you know what I mean. But come the end of the night she said she just wanted to sleep in her own bed tonight. I was gentlemanly at the time and said I understood and recieved a very passionate kiss outside her dorm but was left out in the cold with a major boner. I went home and talked to my best friend who told me I was being pussie wipped and talked me into trying to hook up with someone else. So last night I ended up going out and bringing a completely random girl to my room and made out.

    Ok, so thats the story so far, so the things that are really bothering me are:

    1. She has never said anything about not wanting attachment, and if her friend hadn’t told me that I would think we were heading straight for a relationship.

    2. What should my course of action be, at the end of the night when she kissed me we agreed we would see each other wednesday, since she will be busy for the rest of the weekend since she has another midterm tomorrow. I am currently planning on waiting for her to text me to initiate.

    3. Should I feel guilty for hooking up last night, I have never talked about exclusiveness with this girl, but do I owe her an explanation/ should I tell her?

    Thanks so Much!

  • Samson

    Sorry one ammendment, I said the mutual friend said she wasnt looking for affection, that’s supposed to be “attachment”

  • Anastasia

    Hey! Great column!

    I just have this concern. I met this guy where I live. He was a life guard at my pool at that time. And I kind of started to like him. But I was in a serious relationship. But the catch is, my ex boyfriend was abusive and I wanted out. This guy helped me to get out. And I kind of fell for him. I never told him that I fell for him because we were good friends for about a year. Then on Fourth of July, we had sex. After a few days, I kind of wanted to see him , cause I fell for him and been falling. He didn’t want to see me or have nothing to do with me. So I broke off the friendship and never talked to him again.

     

    Untill now, I messaged him to see how he’s doing. A few days ago, he asked for my number. And since then, we’ve been talking. He’s been mostly concerned about me and how I am doing and what I’m doing. What does it mean? He’s giving me mixed signals and I can’t desifer them. I honestly don’t know what to do with this guy.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Anastasia
      Don’t have anything to do with him. The fact that he treated you poorly and kept his difference after you had sex tells you everything you need to know. His concern for you is not real. He’s probably just trying to get in there one more time, after which he’ll dump you again. He obviously didn’t value your friendship at all, or he wouldn’t have let you end it. Believe me, nothing good can come of this. Move on.

  • Anastasia

    Thank you Susan! That helped a lot! And I confronted him on where we stand. And he said we are just friends. As always. Which clearly goes along with your answer.

  • Annabelle

    Hi Susan,

    Well this is still doing my head in, as per my previous posts.  I saw him  manday day as we both had afternoon off work, it was lovely we chatted, laughed etc.  He said he thinks about me all the time, rest of the week he has texted, called etc and hopefully we will meet up again friday night.  I still don’t know what he is doing though, all these mixed signals are really confusing me and actually beiginning to annoy me. What an earth do I do, talk to him again, say nothing and see what happens, break it off completely?

  • Mon Paw

    Hi, I’d like some advice or at least feelings about this relationship or whatever it is I have…

    I met up with this guy in first year of college, this was about 6 years ago. We became fast platonic friends and we got along great. Then life pulled us different ways, him to another part of the country for schooling and I with a 4 year relationship.He had a couple girlfriends (one after the other) during this time. But we would still stay in touch with MSN or with facebook from time to time and when he came to visit.

    He came back after graduating, about 2 years since my relationship ended, when I finally healed. I saw him in a different light when he came back. Somehow the chemistry grew between us and we ended making out on my bday. It was amazing. I hadn’t been able to feel for anyone since my ex. He told me he hasn’t been able to feel this way ever since his official breakup with his ex a year ago as well.

    We started to hook up 1-2 times a week for a month and a half now, without sex though. During this time he talked about his strong feelings for me, how amazing I am, etc. No guy, no ex for that matter even, has made me feel so loved before, ironically.. He told me held feelings for me since the first year of college. We both feel so close it’s incredible. We fell so fast for each other.  I have no doubt in my mind he cares about me so, so much. He kisses me in front of friends, h loves meeting my mom, wants to meet my dad, etc.

    But here is the kicker…He made it clear he is emotionally unavailable for a relationship right now. He has been a serial monogamist in the past (as I used to be as well so I understand). He has had two sincerely horrible relationships, and although the last one ended a year before, he kept having a really toxic friends/friends with benefits with his last girl until he left just a couple months ago. He does say that this is just for now, that in the future, maybe even a week or in a month, he may change his mind. But he really, really does not seem to have any faith in relationships right now…Understandable since the last girl is still so fresh in his mind and was such a horrible person.

    I completely understand, and he has to take it slow…but I am scared. I am scared of putting so much energy into this awesome but temporarily insecure guy. I also have a choice to make..I had plans to leave to Poland for a job opportunity soon. I would put it on hold and risk this opportunity if it was more clear this is heading towards something more. This guy is the only one I have every actually been able to see a future with. I don’t know what to do:(.

     

  • Annaelle

    Well Susan here I am again!!!!!!!!    I figured it helps me to write about it to try and get it clear in my head but then again maybe I am just deluding myself. He came over again this weekend, all was great, we had great sex, mammoth deep chats etc.  He again started on about what we were doing, if everything was ok etc. I said all was fine and that I really liked him and the “relationship” we have at the moment is great.  We chatted about work etc, I said I’d been really busy, had a dinner meeting with a guy, got the contract signed etc and was really pleased…….he asked me if I’d flashed my breasts at him….i said no it was business what an earth was he talking about and we both laughed.  WTF.  Anyway during the conversation he said he thought it best to keep it as it was cos he didnt want to start feeling jealous if I was having dinner with a guy etc…… (does this mean that deep down he was jealous about my business dinner with a guy), he also said the only time things would go wrong is if I developed feelings for him and he got with another girl, I turned the tables and said what if he fell in love with me and that he’d then end up hating me if I didn’t feel the same.  He said he could never hate me if he loved me. I really have no idea what this guy is on……we have all the hypothetical conversations and well what if this or that happened. We talked about the lack of time issue and I said well if i met someone I really wanted then i suppose i’d make time for them and that obviously i haven’t met that person yet, he then asked if i’d have a relationship with him, I said yes he asked why and I said cos we get on really well, he is my kinda normal with good values/morals etc and the sex is great. I met with no response, so why’d he ask me then? we have both said we don’t want a heavy relationship, he says he can’t stay over cos then feelings will develop???? ? but that we are seeing each other.  He asked if I’d told anyone about us and I said yes a couple of friends, i asked him if he has told anyone and he said, exactly  “no I don’t think its a good idea to tell my kids as they would get upset and think I don’t have time for them or that someone will take time away from them” um I never asked if he’ told his kids and wouldn’t have expected him too, I haven’t told mine about him either. duh.  He was also really odd again about the idea that I may be just using him for sex too….surely thats what we originally signed up for so he has known that all alone. Anyway during sex, it was amazing, if we had been any closer, bodies, eye contact, we could have been one person, personally from experience I’d say we made love.  I am sure that i am not the only who felt this I am sure he did too. Anyway when he left all was fine etc……That was early hours sunday morning, I’ve not heard from him since execpt once, I text him and he replied saying he’d love to be with me (sexual conatation).  Nothing since.  This is the first time in 2 1/2months that he has not contacted me, no evening text or call and no morning text. I will not contact him. Is this guy confused, screwed up, not into me, the two times he brings up the conversation about us he trys to see whats happening and if all is ok etc but we just go round in circles.  Does he want me to say, actually I really have developed some feelings for you and want to see if we are good together or does he want me to end it. Whats with the sudden silent treatment? I know this is my 3rd maybe 4th post but I am not getting anywhere, so anybody reading this please respond and Susan if you do read all my posts as I said before I’d love to hear your straight up thoughts.

    I like him alot, I’d love to have a commited relatioship with him and see where it went, he makes me laugh, when we talk on the phone I have an amazing grin on my face, he compliments me, says i look amazing, he can’t keep his hands off me, thinks about me all the time, up until sunday, used to text call all the time.  Am i that daft, have I been played or is there more to this than meets the eye.  We both put our kids first, i’ve blown him out on a few nights cos of kids, other plans etc and we have just worked round it so what now.  Please help I am mega confused by all this and thinking seriously of bailing completely on him for good.

  • Claire

    Hi susan, I’d like to ask something regarding this r/s I have with this guy. We’d actually known each other for 4mths alr and he recently ended his major exams. We agreed not to talk about any r/s issues until his exams are over partly because I didn’t feel much for him initially. But we spent almost everyday in the 4mths tgt under my hse void deck. It was until recently when he had to study for his papers, we stopped meeting for a week. Apparently I blew up at him because I wanted to meet him so badly on the day his exams end, but he seemed so nonchalant about it. I texted him that night telling him a long list of how I feel about this, how I felt he’s not putting as much effort and stuff. But he only replied a “it’s okay :)” to it. I don’t know if I shld feel upset or not :(

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Claire
      I have no idea how he feels about the relationships. He said it’s OK, so I would take him at his word. Couples argue, it happens, it’s a normal part of relationships. If it’s not really OK, then it’s his job to tell you why. Sounds to me like it’s really not that big a deal.

  • Claire

    Thank you Susan, I don’t know why but your reply made me feel better. Things have not been going too well, but I’ll not give up. Thanks for replying :)

  • Claire

    Hi susan, it’s me again. The boy and I ended things 2days ago and I am devastated.. He told me that he’s not ready for a r/s and he doesn’t want to meet me up to talk about it because he claimed there is nothing to talk about.. I really don’t know what to do because he didn’t give any warning, and I think it was my outburst that caused this.. :'( according to a friend of his, he went drinking on that day and was upset. I figured if he was upset, at least it showed that he cares still. I’ve penned down my thoughts in a letter and I want to give it to him tmr.. But I’m really at lost here, and I don’t know what to do :'( Please help me it sucks.. Really.. :'( I don’t know how to ask him to meet me since he didn’t want to at first.. I’m scared, what if he rejects meeting me, or what if he said he doesn’t know what to say anymore or anything. I wrote all my thoughts and feelings in the letter about this whole thing… :(

  • Escoffier

    Whatever you do, don’t give him the damned letter.  Burn it.

    I don’t know you, but I have your best interests at heart here.  If you have to cry for a while, do it, alone or with friends.  Think of it like sweating out a particularly nasty virus.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Claire

    If he has said he doesn’t see any point in meeting, that there is nothing to talk about, then anything you try to do or say will just annoy him. There is no way for you to salvage this – so resign yourself to the outcome with dignity.

    He is either immature or unkind, but either way he is not relationship material, at least not now, and not for you.

    Cut your losses, and move on.

  • Selena

    Hi Susan,

    I met a guy at a party a few weeks ago, and recently we’ve been chatting online.  This past Friday, I made a move on him, and to my surprise, was blown away when he told me how extremely attractive it was that I was going after what I wanted.  We flirted over the span of the next few minutes, during which I managed to snag his number and plan a date with him (for next Wednesday, November 16).  Out of curiosity, I asked if he was looking for a relationship, and he said maybe, but he wasn’t willing to rush into things and wanted to see what direction things took.  Since my first relationship went horribly wrong due to rushing, I am more than okay with taking my time.  We chatted some more, then he said he had to leave and would text me.  It is now Saturday, November 13, and I still haven’t gotten any text from him at all.

    I am so proud of myself for fighting the urge to text him so far, because maybe these things just take patience.  After all, it has only been one day.  I want to believe he’ll text me back, but something says that he probably won’t.  I think it may be that he found the relationship factor to be a complete turn-off.  On the other hand, he may just be genuinely busy, and will actually text me when he has time.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated, as this is my first time being in a situation like this.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Selena
      Be patient! One day? Why would he text so soon? If you have a date for Wednesday, he will likely be in touch Monday or Tuesday to confirm and make arrangements. In the meantime, it’s not realistic to expect chit chat texts, especially if he’s already said he likes to take things slowly. He said he would text, and you have no reason to doubt him. If he doesn’t follow through, he’s a douche.

      I think it’s fantastic that you initiated, and that you asked up front about what he was looking for. If he was turned off by the fact that you’d prefer a relationship to casual sex, then he’s obviously a bad match, and better to learn that now than later.

      But I really don’t think you have any reason to be pessimistic.

  • Adalittle

    Hi Susan,

    So I met a guy a couple months ago and we had been talking regularly for about a month. Two weeks ago we were at a Halloween party and my friends and I invited him to come and hang out with us, which he agreed to. After hanging out for a bit my friends decided to leave, since they thought we wanted to be alone. He asked if I wanted to go to his room and I told him that I didn’t want to sleep with him, and he said that was fine and we could just cuddle. Well we did and during that he started kissing me, which made me uncomfortable and I asked him to stop. He stopped and we started talking for a couple hours after which he went back to his dorm. We talked once a couple days after that, a basic “Hi, how are you” talk and after that I didn’t see him at all for about a week during which time I decided I was probably just a failed one night stand for him, but this past week hes said hi to me a couple times, the first time I ignored him, then felt bad and the second I just said hi back, and I think he wants to talk to me. I still like him, but I’m not sure if I should talk to him again or if I was really just a one time thing for him. Thanks for your help =)

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Adalittle
      Talk to him! Here’s the thing: If he just wanted a one-night stand, then he isn’t looking for a girlfriend and isn’t a good match for you right now. Why waste time on him? You’ll learn whether that’s the case if you are friendly and he is unresponsive or just polite. On the other hand, if he likes you and is feeling a bit shy or awkward, then your talking to him gives him an opportunity to respond positively and make that clear. In other words, he already knows if he likes you, and now you just have to find out.

  • Marcela

    Hi Susan! I need your help.. please!

    So i met this guy online we being talking for a couple of weeks so this Sunday we went on the first date. We went for lunch very casual, talk a little bit of everything, we laugh. At the end of the date, he walked me to my car and I said so “I had a lot of fun, you should give me a call” He replied “I had fun too but you seem to have a busy week” and I said well how about next sunday? He said Sunday might work, ill give a call. And we hugged goodbye.

    I really liked him but I heard all this rules about waiting 3 days for him to call. I Dont know what to do… Should I just be patient and wait for him to contact me? if I don’t heard from him in a couple of days, should I text him?

    Thanks much for your time and help! Marcela.

     

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Marcela

      Do not call him. It’s only Tuesday! Also, you may have plans for Sunday – that is still five days away. I wouldn’t be surprised if he checked in on Thursday or Friday. Look, he knows how to reach you, and he knows you want to see him again. You have nothing to gain by reaching out to him, and you risk looking desperate. If he likes you, you will hear from him. If not, you won’t. Whatever happens, you need to be prepared for it and not take it to heart. Online dating is great, but there is a lot of rejection involved. You have to be able to handle that.

      However, I’ll say again – it is way too early for you to be feeling anxious. I’d give it till Friday morning before reading it as a lack of interest.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    Marcela,

    I’m not Susan (too tall and no tits) but I’ll give it a try.

    [Crouching, putting on sweater]

    OK. Don’t listen to anybody’s “rules.” You don’t want a guy who follows socially-prescribed rules anyway. It is WAY too early to be freaking out. Don’t expect contact until two days before you’re supposed to go on the date (that would be Friday obviously). Just put the whole thing out of your mind and do some other stuff this week you enjoy.

    Should I just be patient and wait for him to contact me?”

    For the moment, yes. If you don’t hear from him by Saturday at noon, text him (“hey how are you doing” not “are we going out tomorrow?”). If he doesn’t reply, obviously he’s a cold case and you have to let it go. If he does reply, and wants to go out, tell him that Sunday is now booked (at this point, he shouldn’t have a random-access claim on your time hours in advance). See if he counteroffers; if he does, accept. If he doesn’t but seems apologetic or remorseful, give him a later day that works. If he doesn’t seem to care, he’s not serious about seeing you again.

     

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      Oops, I see that Badger had already given you good advice. How convenient that it matches mine :-) He knows more than I do about how guys operate – you’re lucky to have gotten feedback from him, so take it.

  • Annabelle

    Hi Susan / Badger,

    I am back again!!! More has happened and guess what I am still confused.

    A couple of weeks ago I saw my “whatever he is” and we had a horrid evening, he really upset me and was just in a nasty mood.  He text me after he t to ask if I was ok and I said well, yes but you did upset me.  He proceeded to apologise and ask if I could forgive him, I replied that I would but that I was not sure I could mea meaningless f*** anymore as I had developed some feelings and thought we should end it before I got hurt.  He said – next time we will have to have a nice chat.  Over the next few days I got the silent treatment, eventually I text and then it all seemed to et back to normal.  He said he really wanted to see me and that he thought about me everyday.  So it all just seems to be bumbling along. Things have changed, he does not text like he used too everyday, no goodmorning texts, not many flirty ones.  But we do seem to be getting on quite well and he pops in to see me during the week and is lovely. So what do I do now.  I am kinda just going with the flow – but I really don’t want to loose him.  It still feels like some kinda test as I said before in my preivous posts.  Hmmm very confused by all this.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    OK I see six questions here that I have not yet answered. Apologies to those who have been waiting a while, some of these wind up slipping through the cracks. I’ll tackle Annabelle first, because she has perservered!

    @Annabelle

    Wow. If you’re confused and you’re living it, you can imagine how I must feel. There are so many conflicting signals and emotions in this story, it’s impossible to know what either of you is feeling.

    First you: You say you want a relationship with him, but you’ve told him something different on several occasions. It sounds like you have changed your mind a few times, so perhaps that’s not surprising. What is it that you want? Can you see yourself marrying this man? Would you like to reach a point where your children know him? If he’s 45, I assume his kids are a bit older. How does he feel about your having kids, and potentially being a part of their lives?

    Now him: I can’t tell how well his behavior correlates to his actions. It sounds like he was attentive when it was strictly FWB, and perhaps less attentive now that you want more?

    All of these deep chats sound like they’ve included a lot of hypotheticals, rather than straight talk where either or both of you take responsibility for your feelings.

    Here is what you need to do:

    1. Decide what you want with this man. You know him well, you are obviously sexually compatible. If you could call the shots, knowing he was willing, what would you ask for?

    2. Tell him. Be honest about what you would really, really like to have with him. If it’s a relationship, then continuing FWB is a bad idea. If it’s FWB, then long, soulful chats about what you’re doing are just making the dynamic between the two of you more complicated. You have to make a choice, you’re currently halfwaying it, and that is not sustainable.

    3. Use his response as a turning point. If he wants to make the commitment, that this is something real and serious, and that you are going to be in each other’s lives, you will embark on a whole new relationship that should include a lot more than being in bed together. If he does not, I advise you to cut your losses. Break it off completely. It doesn’t need to be hostile, just an honest statement that the FWB is not working for you anymore. Because it isn’t, that much is obvious.

    Don’t sell yourself short with a fake boyfriend. Right now all you’ve got is a sexual relationship. From a male perspective, it might be a sweet deal – no obligations, no explanations required, sex pretty much whenever you’re in the mood, and great sex at that. If he has feelings for you, that’s not the case, but you don’t know that. He has agreed not to see anyone else, but that’s meaningless. If he met someone tomorrow he wanted to see or have sex with, he would end it with you in a heartbeat, no? Commitment is meaningless without real intent for the future.

    FWB is very complicated, and most people are not cut out for it. In some ways it sounds like you enjoyed it, but in the end you caught feelings anyway. If you stop seeing this man, I would think very carefully before entering another arrangement like this one. It’s clear you’ve been anxious about this almost from the start – that’s a drain of emotional energy that is just not healthy.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @I don’t understand

    I don’t understand. He has told you point blank that he sees you as a friend and nothing more. Men don’t say that if they don’t mean it. If he liked you, he would be eager to make sure you know it so that you don’t get with another guy.

    Women often make the mistake of thinking that because the sex feels intimate, is followed by texting, and repeated efforts to see you again, that the man wants a relationship. That’s not the case. Men enjoy affection, and many like to cuddle, spoon, and have wonderful conversations when they hook up. But they don’t develop feelings past that. The warmth and intimacy is really temporary.

    You’ve spent a lot of time on this guy, and I encourage you to stop right now and realize nothng will ever come of it. Don’t try to be his friend – that just means more sex when he finds it convenient. You don’t see him as a friend, you have strong feelings for him. You are much better off never speaking to him again. It is not going to work out with him. Move on and give someone else a chance, someone who likes you and wants to be with you.

    Sex is never a way to get a man to fall for you. It’s essential that you understand that, so that you don’t make the same mistake again.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @freshlost

    By now you probably have your answer about what’s going on with this particular guy. Your situation, though, is not uncommon. Because so many relationships do start with hooking up first (although only 12% of sexual hookups ever progress to a relationship), a guy can hook up, have real feelings, and then worry about showing them too early.

    I doubt it’s true that he had never thought about it when you asked him, but obviously didn’t want to get into a heavy conversation about it at that time, particularly if he was unsure of your feelings. Or perhaps he really does want to see how things go, or might even be determined to keep things casual. It does sound like he made a real effort, though, like it was about more than sex.

    My advice is always to wait to have sex at least until you feel secure that you and he are on the same page in terms of what you’re looking for. You may not have already decided to date, but the only way that early sex works out is if both parties are seeking a relationship from the start. If you don’t know that, you’re taking a big risk. He is too, but let’s face it, a woman’s number carried more weight, and possible backlash, than a man’s.

  • Marcela

    THANK YOU SUSAN & BADGER!!!

    You guys are great!!!! Its a great feeling to know that are people out there that take the time to help women like us, who are confuse and maybe need to boost our confidence.

    Your comments really put me at ease and I feel more confident on what i need to do.

    HUGS!! and i’ll be back :)

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Samson

    Thanks so much for writing. It’s been a few weeks, so this particular situation may have resolved itself one way or another, but I do have some general advice for you moving forward. I also think the guys at HUS could be enormously helpful in giving you some guidelines about dealing with women. As a freshman, you’re already pulling girls so you will probably do well in the hookup scene. What you really want is another question, and one you will have to consider.

    I’m going to make a post about this – look for it later today. Join in the comment thread if you can.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Mon Paw

    I’m sorry, that sounds like such a difficult situation. Sometimes we meet the perfect person for us but the timing isn’t right – we’re with someone else, we’re unsettled geographically, or we’re healing from a bad relationship experience. In your case, all three of these are true! It’s pretty clear that the two of you have strong feelings, and that the timing still isn’t right. That makes deciding what to do very difficult.

    I think it’s a very good thing you haven’t had sex yet. Until he knows where he wants this to go, I think that is very, very risky for you. If you add sex to your strong feelings, it will be much, much harder if things don’t work out.

    If you didn’t have to make a decision about the new job, I would encourage you to spend time together, getting to know one another and taking it slow. Giving him an opportunity to feel comfortable and ready for another relationship. But if you really need to make a decision, then your only choice is to have a very honest discussion with him. Tell him that you think he could be a very important person in your life, and that you are willing to give him time. But that you also need to make a choice about a job opportunity. He will have to let you know, if he can, whether he feels OK about asking you to stay based on the strength of his feelings.

    In other words, he has to decide now if he sees a possible future with you. You are not asking for a guarantee, but you really need to know what he is thinking and feeling. It’s far from ideal – asking for this clarification right now, but you need to understand as best you can so that you can make plans for your future.

    How long can you put this job on hold? Perhaps he can let you know, even if he can’t commit right now, whether this is something that you should plan your career around, even temporarily.

    Good luck, let me know what happens!

  • I don’t understand

    Thank you Susan. I guess you’re right and he obviously didn’t or doesn’t give a damn about me. Don’t know why he wouldn’t just leave me alone instead of dragging everything up. He just didn’t seem fake with me and he always seemed to be trying to figure me out and learning more about me, emotionally and mentally, not physically. When I think about hooking up, and my own past experiences, what he did was so far from what I consider a hook up. I say just hit it and quit it. Why was he so emotional? He’s never in my area so he should have just left me alone.

    Guys may do all this hooking up and stuff, which is fine, but if they dont care about a girl, they are REALLY making it harder on us and make us feel worse by playing with our emotions. Either hit it and quit it or leave me alone. This emotional stuff about them needing to be loved and spooned and all that is just not cool and it hurts. I’ve left him alone and he kept coming back and trying to appeal to my emotional side. And he’s not supposed to care about me after about 5-6 yrs? There are other girls surrounded by him and he chooses to talk to me and I’m not even near him. He hides stuff on his social networking site because he’s afraid I’ll see something. If he didnt care, why does he do that? Not that I agree with him hiding stuff. Not a fan of that and makes me think twice about him anyway.

    This venting is more towards guys and why they are the way they are. Ugh. Makes me want to give up. Anyway, I haven’t really talked to him but my friends keep asking me about him because they all seem to think he cares about me, shocked we haven’t seen eachother yet, and that we were just in eachothers lives at the wrong time. I just let what they say go. Is it true that a guy will let go of a girl no matter how much they care/love/want in their lives if they aren’t ready financially or in general ready? Not saying this is my situation but I’m hearing this a lot and everyone seems to believe it’s true. I did talk with him a few months ago and he talked to me like everything was fine and he wanted to joke with me about something we used to tease eachother about. Strictly friendly. Anyway, I’m not really pursuing anyone at the moment. I’m a firm believer that if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen and be, and if not, I’m okay with that.

  • Selena

    Hi Susan,

    You responded to a comment of mine earlier, the one where I was anxious about the guy calling.  I called him when I got to the location, but he said he was really sorry and completely forgot about our date because he was busy with projects for classes.  I was understanding, and I gave him another chance.  We rescheduled again for the last day of classes before Thanksgiving Break, and he cancelled on me again.  He texted me ahead of time to let me know he wouldn’t be able to make it because one of his guy friends was giving him a car ride home.  I responded to his text, saying that we could try again for another date once he gets back into town.  He agreed.  A part of me feels like he genuinely wants this to work, but something else makes me feel like he might not be as interested as I am.  Can you see anything in this that shows that he is still interested?  At what point do you stop giving the guy more chances?  Normally, I find myself making excuses for the guys I like, but I want to see this situation for what it is.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    Adalittle,

    I’m going to go in a bit different direction from Susan, from the man’s perspective. I don’t see any evidence at all he was just going after a one-night stand. I think that’s an unfair presumption of his character.

    What I see going on is the following: you rejected him, twice, and he’s reacting as a guy who’s rejected will act – he goes away. Your two rejections were the following:

    1. Refusing to kiss him in his room
    2. Ignoring him when he said hi to you

    This isn’t like some dude you met in a bar that night. If I’ve been talking to a woman for “about a month,” and she and her friends invited me to a party, and then she refused to kiss me when we were alone, I’d take that as a serious rejection and that I had been friend-zoned. (Why she came to my room to cuddle I’d be massively confused about).  Saying you’re not DTF is OK, that’s good boundary-setting, but if you’ve known him for a month you should know whether you want to kiss him or not.

    I don’t know if this story is still live, but if you DO like this guy and want to salvage it, I’d say you have a bit of an apology to give him. I’m sure his feelings were hurt that you went up to his room and then wouldn’t so much as kiss him. (If you felt uncomfortable kissing him, I’d question how much you actually do like him.)

    I guess it’s unfair to accuse you of this, but there’s a meme floating around young women who have seen too many rom-coms that the man’s attraction is static, and she can dither, flake, even date other guys, and expect that when she’s finally ready for him, he’ll still be there ready to pursue again until she feels like saying yes. It’s false. The only guys who don’t go away when they get signs of rejection are players and guys with totally unattractive oneitis.

     

  • Annabelle

    Hi Susan,

    Thanks for your advice.  We had a great weekend together this last weekend and it seems we both want it to be more than it has been so we will see what happens.  I’m still a little confused by it all and unsure about it but we’ll see what the future holds. x

  • ella

    Hi Susan,

    I met a guy from another city sometimes in May. We met in June and we hooked up. In July we went on trip abroad and it was really good. After two weeks I went to him and again we had a great time together. In August I went to see him again but things went wrong and in September things started to go really bad. Him kept saying he is coming to me but always something came up and could not make it. In October I decided to end this and we just kept in touch once in  a while. Out of the blue he tells me  last week that he misses me and wants to come to be with me. I am rather confused about the whole thing since I have the feeling he desires me sexually only. Or  am I wrong? Should I just ask him what is it that he wants from me? I would really appreciate a piece of advice. Thank you!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @ella
      You should definitely ask him exactly what he wants. I don’t know why things went wrong between you, but is this someone you respect and want to be in a relationship with? If not, don’t waste any more time. If by wanting to be with you, he means a full-blown relationship, you might agree to discuss it with him first and see if you both want the same thing. I would definitely not let him come visit unless you reach that agreement.

  • Jaxxz

    Hi all, well I have story for anyone is interested and maybe help me out, I’ve never been in this situation before I’m 24 and the guy is 31, well we met 6 months ago, we get along great, good chemistry and we hook up here and there in the beginning we like each other. But then it turned into friends with benfits. He wasn’t looking for a relationship he just got out one at the time and so did I, but we hang out a lot still do til this day. Something happens where we didn’t hook up as much hug each other and all that. I found out he was on a dating website meeting other girls, but he would say ” don’t worry it’s not going to work out” I don’t know why he kept telling me that. Well, every time I would tell him I’m talking to a guy he would say ” don’t date him” or always say something like oh he’s too old. Don’t get me wrong we talk about everything and anything, he does tell me things like he had a lot of love for me and cares about me, I just got sick and he was calling and texting every five mins. But something happened this past weekend he spoke to one of his friends ” therapy talk” about I guess this one girl and me. It’s the only thing I could think of. Well later on that night he was texting me to tell me lets do something on Sunday I said ok. So we ended up doing something he goes this could be a date right. Not only that he said he’s done with the other girl but I don’t know I guess I’m confused there is a lot I really can’t put on here too long of a story but any help would be great or advice

  • Mixed signals

    My husband and I recently separated and are getting divorced; basically I am not going back to that relationship. I’ve been having sex with a guy for 3 months now. I’ve known this guy for years through a band that I am friends with that he joined. We never even looked at each other in this type of way until after I was separated. I’m really not ready to go into another relationship. This guy gives me crazy mixed signals and it is hard for me to tell whether he likes me as more than just a friend. Some examples: He comes to my house every night and spends the night. He always kisses and hugs me goodbye and often comes to my house straight from work. He has made it clear that he only wants to have sex with me, and he expects the same from me. He doesn’t show interest in any other woman. We normally stay at my house, but we sometimes go out to have dinner. He cuddles A LOT in bed, to the point that he is always touching me. He is very attentive when I have life problems, and he listens and tries to help me come up with solutions.(not problems related to him) He jokes that I am just using him for sex. Those are the signals that point me in the “more-than-friends thinking” direction. Then there is: He says he is really not into sex, even though we often do that at least once a day with his initiation. He has told me that he isn’t ready for a relationship. He hasn’t told anyone, not even his family or friends about me. He doesn’t like PDA. Normal everyday conversation consists of me sharing while he says nothing. He normally doesn’t like to go out for dinner or anywhere. However: I had a guy friend visiting from Australia, who he didn’t get along with. I told him that guy friend was coming and staying with me ahead of time. Of course, everyone seemed to think that I was going to be with this friend, sexually, but that wasn’t my intent and I made that clear as well. The first night my friend came, he wanted me to bring him something he had left at my house as an excuse for a quickie. Then for the rest of the week he acted distant, not answering calls or texts, not wanting me to come over. Then he had a set with the band that my friend and I attended. He gave me a hug during one of his breaks (which is PDA). Afterwards, I went to a bar with my friend and was texting him, he admitted that he thought we were sleeping together, but I told him no and that I would rather be doing that with him. After that he started coming over. He took me out to dinner for the first time. And sex was more frequent. After my friend left, he has gone back to how he was before the friend visit. Which all this leaves me very confused. A bit of background on him. He has had many monogamous relationships, some of which he would classify her as a girlfriend and some not. He has a large number of sexual partners in his past and I only a few. He has been given medicine for bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety, but no longer takes anything. Of course, I take medicine for depression and anxiety as well. None of this really bothers me about him. I just wish he would get his signals straight. To me it seems that he is pushing me away, but just far enough to just reel me back in. But he has said that he doesn’t “care” about me. I just really don’t want to get into that discussion with him because I don’t know the answer. I stick with it because, the sex is good and I don’t want a relationship and I don’t see one happening with him.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Mixed Signals

      I stick with it because, the sex is good and I don’t want a relationship and I don’t see one happening with him.

      So where’s the problem? I think he’s made it very clear that he does not want a relationship, which puts you on the same page. If he starts acting attached and you don’t like it, set some limits. However, if you are really starting to fall for him, get out now. He will never be a good partner for you.

  • New to this

    Hi Susan/Badger,

    Let me start by saying I am a 40 year old woman who is just returning to the dating world after a 20 year marriage. I don’t think I’m really ready for a serious relationship but am not real good at this “hooking up” thing. I wanted to be like a man and sow my wild oats if you will. I learned that I’m just not that girl.

    I joined a dating website. I’ve been on a few dates. The man I would like advice on is a 38 year old man. It states on his profile that he is looking for a long-term relationship. He has a 9 year-old daughter (who I believe is special needs, though he’s never actually told me this…I’ve seen the pictures in his home). Sad to say, we’ve never been on an actual “date”.

    Our first “date” consisted of me going to his house and he made me soup. We did kiss and there was definitely a mutual attraction there. Our second date was almost canceled due to him not feeling well. At the last minute, he decided he was starting to feel better and really wanted to see me. He came to my house and spent the night. We did not have sex but did a lot of snuggling. It was very nice, he held me all night. He said, “I could get used to this.” We woke up and he left after a cup of coffee.

    Our third date consisted of me going over to his house. It was quite romantic, he had a fire waiting for me (which he knows I love).He actually bought a new couch for the room with the fireplace since he didn’t have any furniture in there. I teased him and said I will be the first girl to have sex with him on his couch, as I’m surely not the first girl in his bed. He said “well, maybe you’ll be the last”. We ended up having sex in front of the fire. We then went to bed, had sex again. Snuggled, woke up, and had sex a third time. He offered to make me breakfast but I declined and left early in the morning.

    We texted here and there, if he texted first…it was usually sexual. If I initiated texting, it was not sexual. Just a friendly how are you? We didn’t talk for a little while. He is in a funk due to his very recent unemployment. I texted him the other day to see how he was…his response “depressed”. I went over there that night to see him. I didn’t plan on sleeping with him, but of course it happened. Again, I spent the night.

    Here is where I’m confused…am I just a booty call? I feel like he cares about me. Do booty calls spend the night? Have real conversations? Snuggle? He always kisses me hello and gives me a kiss and a hug when I leave. I feel like I am usually the one intiating contact though. But I really do want to see how he is doing due to his depressed state.

    Is he my friend with benefits? I don’t know…I wish dating was easier than this. Although I feel I am quite intuitive, I am no mind reader. Do I leave him alone and see if he comes to me? I just hate these rules/games. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  • New to this

    Just to add, he told me I’m everything he likes in a woman and called me beautiful. Am I being played? Or is he sincere? I have walls built that I’m very afraid to let down, in fear of getting hurt.But I also know that I have to bring these walls down if I were to ever get into a serious relationship. Scary stuff!

    Thanks so much!

  • swindledinbed

    Hi I don’t know if your still even answering this question but I came across it in hopes of answering my situation. I met a guy first semester of my freshman year in college. We met on fb but we seen eachother around as well as have mutual friends. That was a year ago. We often flirted thru texts and had plans of meeting up just never did because of our schedules being so different. Well now its my second year in college and we reconnected over the summer and have been texting and flirting. Kind of picked back up where we left off at. We’ve hung out as often as our schedules allow. We have begin to be intimate, for about a month now but only twice. I like him a whole lot but ik not sure if this is beyond sex. He has told me of that’s all he wanted he wouldn’t have stuck around for awhole year. He recently graduated from our college but plans to stick around for the upcoming semester looking for a job and what not. I just don’t feel like he fits the list at all. I mean I feel a connection way beyond the sex cus that was never the main focus our friendship was and is but I’m unsure. I wonder if I should let it go or tell him how I feel?

  • Zoe

    Hi Susan! First of all I need to applaud you for your advice (and your flowchart)! Ive been running a google search on ‘how to tell if your fwb/hookup is into you’ and voraciously trying to find some kind of relevant commentary on my situation :( I noticed in the comments that you have been so generous to assess personal issues, and so I was hoping you could help me out with a current issue im facing- I would appreciate any and all help, thank you! (Also if anyone else would like to comment, I would love to hear your thoughts):

    I’m a university sophomore studying far away from my hometown – a few months ago, I had an assignment, and my partner was a friend of a friend who happens to be in my program- we hit it off really well and we ended up hooking up the first night we met each other (incidentally out of character for both of us – that very night we had a talk suggesting that this was just to be a one night stand and that it was a one time deal). However, we became close after that, and for two weeks straight we spent almost 24/7 with each other – classes, studying, sleep-overs, and sex. I had a conference to go to and during the entire weekend of my conference we were texting back and forth, and he hinted essentially that he was worried I might catch the eye of another guy during my conference, and that he cared about me beyond a hookup level. I was alarmed (I had no intention of falling for him, both of us had just gotten out of horrible relationships and, as far as I had thought, both of us were looking for an optimal friends-with-benefits situation to supplement our intense university lifestyle) and I so insisted that we have the “talk” when I return.

    The night I returned we met up, and I asked him what was up. He said that he meant nothing by the texts, and he was just trying to assess whether I was into him based on my replies, and was doing this to avoid hurting me. I was shocked (he really is a sweet guy, I wouldnt describe him as manipulative at all) and I gently told him that I wasnt interested in a relationship with him, just an optimal friends with benefits, and that perhaps it might be a good idea to space out our hookups/not text each other 24/7 and limit our affectionate tendencies in order for this to be more fwb-like. He agreed and we started spending nights seperately and texting less. Still, that week I got a few questionable texts, again hinting that he may have deeper feelings for me. I brought up the “talk” again and this time he went on the defensive, and that night he basically said “Though Im over my ex, Its hard for me to move on to a new relationship right now and Im not sure what I want just yet. Im really sorry for the mixed messages, and I dont want to hurt you. I need to spend the night alone” and walked me back to my own place, though texting me on and off to make sure I was okay. From the next day onwards we both had an unspoken agreement to forget that discussion and we have continued to this day (two months later) being friends-with-benefits. However, our relationship now seems to be more centered around being ‘friends’ as opposed to simply the benefits (in contrast to most fwb’s where ‘friends’ is more of an obligation). We have become incredibly close, he’s introduced me to his best friends and I have introduced him to my best friends (my roomates, and he has become extremely close to them in particular), we spend most of our time around each other, preferring to study with each other and hang out with each other. We have our own inside jokes. He knows me very well now – what i find funny, the kind of food i like (and brings me things every so often – eg. he’ll bring me my favourite candy on a study date) He is territorial – much of his facebook has to do with me, which is more or less a public indicator of all the time we spend with each other (his ex has taken note :( she has expressed her dislike at the situation – shes not over him) Most importantly, if another guy starts flirting with me he will get concerned and interrogate (and plays it off humourously – “designed to elicit information” hits the nail on the head perfectly) I have a best guy friend at university who’s girlfriend happens to be my best friend back home (the three of us are really close) I have to convince my guy frequently that I dont have feelings for my best friend, and the one time that the two of them chatted with each other, my guy acted rather hostile to my best friend. Another striking example was during this one night my guy and I were at the library and I went to find a book and another random guy came up to me and started chatting, asking me about my program, and when the library closed etc. I return to my guy and he asks me ‘So did you get his number?’ and winked. Sometimes he goes so far as to quietly indicate that im ‘taken’ by him- the other night a guy friend instant-messaged me what i was up to and he took my computer and replied “ttyl, having sex.” even though we didnt hook up that night. Another such example was last night when I left my facebook on his computer and he took my account, and commented on some girl’s insomnia-related status that “Thank God I had *** to help me sleep, he is SUCH a nice guy – you need to text me about this :P” … I’m not even sure how to react to that, he said it was just a joke but honestly, it seems he wants everyone to know that we are “together”. He also teases me about how ‘I need space’ and how he wishes he could see me more often, but cant, because of my ‘boundaries’.

    Another thing that really scares me: As I said hes very close with my roomates, and so he knows their romantic situations and dispenses advice to them accordingly. One of my roomates has a fwb situation, and she thinks he likes her. My guy refers to it as ‘university dating’ (which is scary in itself, because that means he thinks that’s what we are doing as well) Me and my guy were discussing it and he said “if he liked her hed let her know it, he would man up and ask her out before he lost her” and I said “But then again who would want to date their fuck buddy” and he says “you wouldn’t?” and I realized that the conversation was relevant to us as well so I changed the topic.

    I have quietly hinted that Im seeing other guys in addition to him (lately not so much) and hes loudly indicated that im the only girl in his life (by joking that im ‘enough’ to deal with) – I am aware that his best friend knows about ‘us’ (the first time I met him he winked at my guy) Some other points of interest: He has slept over almost every single time, and prefers it when I sleep over when I go to his place. He enjoys cuddling, spooning, etc. Hes extremely affectionate with me, and my roomates think hes very into me. Hes also told me and expressed to me that he cares about me (though im not sure if he means on a friend level or on a romantic level). Little things such as taking time to get to know my friends and such prove this. He has expressed that he likes my personality very much, is attracted to my “independence” and “brilliance.” [He said he places a premium on looks, which was his basic criteria for all his previous relationships, but in my case hes attracted to my entire personality] There was one occasion where I was really angry about having to walk a few kilometers in the freezing cold and bitching about it so he called me a cab and arranged for it to drive us home. Just little things like that really express how much he cares about me.

    You would think he really likes me based on the above, right? The thing is, he hasnt formally asked me out on any dates, or expressed that he wants to be in a relationship with me. Thats the kicker. All of our hanging out has a solid intent behind it – either studying, or cuddling, or sex. We have never hung out purposelessly. Sometimes we stay in and watch movies, but other than that there has never been purposeless hanging out, but other than that for all intents and purposes he pretty much acts like my boyfriend. Another thing that really bothers me is that he doesnt like having emotional discussion with me. He stays away from discussing feelings and such – this was evident during the ‘discussion’ we attempted to have. I volunteer at a hospital, and one day a man begged me to take him off life support. I couldnt, and I was so scarred, and I told my guy – we had a online chat – he told me I should have taken him off life support. I had a lengthy argument and at some point he said ‘you remind me of my ex’ and left the conversation. He apologized the next day via text message.

    To be honest Im not even sure how I feel about him romantically. I am not used to a fwb where there is equal emphasis on the ‘friends’ component as well as the ‘benefits’ component. About a year ago I got out of a terrible relationship, and though I have seen several guys since, I still dont feel ready to commit to a real long-term relationship. I care about him immensely, and I dont want to hurt him. I also enjoy his company so much, particularly the hooking up. I appreciate the effort he is taking to carve himself a niche in my life. If I could bring myself to date a guy, I would definitely pick him in a heartbeat. He really is a wonderful person, and I would love to be in a relationship with him. However I dont understand his angle, and what he wants from me. Sometimes I think he really wants a relationship, and then he will do something that just indicates the opposite.

    The other thing is that Im battling lots of self esteem issues. Like I said before he places a premium on looks, particularly in his relationships (I am the first non-relationship that he has had) All his ex girlfriends were tall, goregous, blonde, blue eyed, classically beautiful. I am ethnic, dark haired, dark eyed, olive-skinned and petite. He is goregous beyond belief. I have no idea what hes doing with me – when we hang out I have seen other women openly gape at him. He constantly says that he thinks im beautiful and exotic, and lately hes been emphasizing about traits that are more personality-related.

    I know I have exhaustively explained my situation as best as I can – What I really need is to know his possible angle, if there are any major clues I am missing out on, and more importantly how to approach this situation. I just want to figure out what his angle is. I have three weeks of Winter Holiday in which I wont see him, and Im not sure how to approach the new year with him. I have two classes with him next semester, so I’ll be seeing him whether I want to or not.

    Any and all comments are appreciated. Thank you so much for your help!

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    Zoe,

    What is your objection to being in a relationship? Because it sounds like you’re in one and you just don’t want to say it.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    Swindled,

    “He has told me of that’s all he wanted he wouldn’t have stuck around for awhole year. ”

    That was him telling you he wants to be in a relationship with you. You’re in, now just roll with it. You just need to have a DTR talk.

  • swindledinbed

    I just feel as if things changed since we had sex. Now we can go a week without talking as in before we would talk in some form everyday. Sometimes it seems as if were heading towards a relationship then other times it seems as if we are what we are. Before we went on break he invited me to come stay the break with him but I couldn’t. Sometimes he does or say things like that that makes me feel like im his gf then other times he doesn’t. im scared of getting hurt which is why we never had the DTR talk. im just confused about it.

  • Zoe

    @Swindled,

    If you mind me saying something – You know, technically he didn’t “stick around for a year” bc you guys technically didnt meet up or do anything solid, it was just back and forth texting — however the fact that youve hung out all summer and the fall before hooking up in november(was it? thats what i got based on what you said) means he waited quite a bit to hook up with you – so obviously he invested time and thought you were a real prospect if hes going to wait that long.

    You guys are in different cities right now for the break yes? Does he text you on and off anyway? Trust me, if he liked you you would be on his mind constantly, he would be texting you for “maintenance”, as in, “to see how you’re doing” [or check up if youre hooking up with another brother] … id say see what the vibes are like while you guys are both on break and then see how it is when you go back to school, but in the end you should definitely stand up for yourself<3

  • Zoe

    @Badger,

    [Thanks for reading that novel btw, I swear I’ve written shorter, less eloquently/passionately written papers]

    You’d think so right? I honestly don’t know. As cliche as it sounds Im scared shitless to be hurt again, and to seriously fall for someone. More than that the truth is I’m overly analytical, like I’m the type to obsess over something and dissect it completely — Like I literally cannot “go with the flow” — More than that I cant bring myself to ask him what is going on with him bc everytime the conversation moves that way he just avoids the question or manages to work around it.
    Weve been texting on and off since we both left our uni (we live far away from each other) and the conversation ALWAYS moves towards whether Im seeing anyone at home “So, any hot dates?/Are you seeing anyone?/Hows life without sex :P?” and the truth is I am – “well yeah actually if I was to say Im going on a date would you care?” and he completely avoids the question. He starts saying “If it makes you happy you should” Like for fuck’s sake. The (short version) conversation went like this (ps this was yesterday night):

    Z: Jesus you didnt even answer my question
    B: I did. You suck at reading this text message buisness. [the latter was based on an inside joke]
    Z: B can you give me a clear answer pleaseee
    B: Yes, because it will make you happy
    Z: Okay I still feel kinda sketched out. Im asking for your opinion and you keep nonsensically beating around the bush.
    B: Lmao which subject? Look you dont need to ask me? why do you feel that way?
    Z: Idk I feel like you’re avoiding my question — if youre not just say so and Ill drop it
    B:I’m not avoiding it
    Z: Allrighty :) Hows the fam?
    B: Pretty decent, yourself?
    Z: Totally excited that I’m here lmao
    B: Nice, So Who’s the date?

    JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

    Z: Oh my god one track mind huh -.-”
    B: Yep
    Z: I thought you said you were okay with this
    B: I was, I’m just asking on a friendly basis. What you do on your own time is personal.

    YES B, A “FRIENDLY” BASIS. BUT OF COURSE.

    Z: Can you not lol I dont feel comfortable discussing this with my fwb
    B: Sorry nvm.

    Conversation ends. Next day (today)

    [lots of small talk]
    Z: Ps I’ve eaten so much chocolate over the last few days…. I may or may not be cubbs when I come back
    B: Lol Im sure youll work it off with your dates :P

    AGAIN?
    Anyway I changed the topic and we talked about other crap for a bit and then:

    B: Gotta admit I got used to having you around the last few weeks
    Z: Does this bother you? Did you want to take a break/stop seeing each other for bit?
    B: [an hour later] Sounds like thats what you want
    Z: You’re not answering my question again
    B: Lol this isnt something that needs consent
    Z:I want to hear your thoughts tho, its not just about me

    and no answer.

    Thoughts?

  • swindledinbed

    omg Zoe,
    u have a point about him not being around for a whole year. I totally feel like ive been mind fucked lol. But ill just see what happens during and after break. Before we get any deeper i know im gonna have to stand up and have the talk. Its just such a scary thought but i know i deserve an answer. Thanks!!!

  • frustrated and confused

    Hi Susan/badger!
    So like everyone else I’ve been reading your advice and it’s fantastic! So like those that have preceded me, I’m in need of advice. Basically me and my fab met in grad school when he sent me his number VIA Facebook after we grabbed drinks as a group after orientation. Well that first weekend we ended up sleeping together and he made it clear he wasn’t interested in me bc he started hooking up with another girl in our class. We told no one of our one night stand and instead were just friends.

    Fast forward to this past summer and he randomly texts me to say he misses me and remembers hoe awesome our first night was together. I find out once we get back to school things are over with the other classmate and begin a secretive fwb relationship. The worst part is he basically Ignores me in class and is so hot and cold. This is when it gets weird.

    1. He finds out about midway trough last semester I have been hanging out with our mutual guy friends roommate and asks me 4 times in the following weeks if I’m dating the guy after we hadn’t hooked up for a while. Even after several occasions where I clearly said no, he kept asking

    2. He has a bizzare relationship with another girl in our class who’s in a relationship and they always go on movie dates and hang out. It’s really strange and no one gets it. However everyone close to them claims they are just friends. also she is dating a girl BTW. Also he randomly texts me Tue day after he broke his arm to hang out and have dinner. She’d been over the night before. They’re like super bff and my friends think thy flirt etc bc she’s safe. Also he brought their relationship up once and thought it was funny our friend thought he was into her sexually. I’m still unsure about this tho and it makes me do uncomfortable especially during school/between class.

    3. I left him our last night thinking everything was straightened out and we were fwbs only no more but he randomly texted me “have you been hooking up with anyone since you’ve been home?” Out of the blue. Prior to that we were talking about the local bar at school. When I tried to ask him the same he skirted around it then said no.

    I’m heading back to school in a couple weeks. Do I ask him about all of these strange signals? I’m just sick of him going from fwb to friend to confusing. Any help greatly appreciated!

  • hopelesslyinlove

    I met this guy the night i graduated high school. May 2010. My friends and I were at a restaurant and we seen two guys that kept looking at us and smiling. One of the guys in particular kept looking at me and smiling and when I went to the bathroom he said something to me but I didn’t hear him or respond due to the fact that there was a female with them. That night when I got home I added the guy on Facebook by accident because my friend was in the front of his default picture. He wrote me asking if i remembered him and gave me his number. He visited that night and we kissed and I’ve been head over heels every since. I know that he knows the power he has over me because he’ll stop communicating with me for a period of time and then when i finally feel like im moving on he’ll pop up with this I want u to be close again and I see me marrying you in the future I just want you to fall on your head a few times. We’ve been through a lot from rumors he unintentionally spread, pictures he allowed to be posted on the net, and just heartbreak and a lot of game playing. Through it all though my feelings haven’t changed because we do have a good friendship. We never had sex only oral a few times. I just feel so stuck I wanna move on. But it seems every time I think I have he sweet talks his way back into my life ans does the same tjing. I don’t know how much hurt I can keep taking from him in hopes that we’ll be something more in the future.

  • kitty

    Hi Susan, i hope you can shed some light on a situation i thought i had with a guy! A few years ago i met a guy at work and in a short space of time we became quite close in a chatty and conversational way. Occasionally though he would initiate physical contact with me like touch my arm or back and displayed all the signs of liking me. He was the one who would search me out, pursue/flirt with me etc, and he respected me without overstepping the line. I know and feel that we had both developed feelings for each other.

    But one day out of the blue he just literally stopped talking to me! I found out it was because his ex girlfriend came back on the scene and he just cut me off without any explanation. It was hurtful they way he did that because by then i already had these feelings for him. Shortly after he left work and i never seen or heard from again.

    Anyway fast forward 3 years later and i heard that he has settled down with a new girlfriend and about a month ago i get a message from his sister who now works where i do and she said ‘by the way my brother says hello to you!’.

    I thought in my mind what the hell!.. if he is settled down with his girlfriend why does he care about saying hello to me and passing hello messages on to his sister 3 years later?? What could this mean? Is he feeling guilty or am i stupid to think that he still has any feelings for me??

    I’ve always wondered about this, what do you think this could mean from his stance?
    Thanks luv this article.

  • Unexplained in Gotham City

    Hi. I’ve been in a fwb situation with my coworker off and on for over a year now and is been off an on b/c we’ve both ended it thinking feelings would get too strong and we’ll end up hurting in the end. We always end up back with each other. We sit next to each other 8 hours a day at work and hang out sometimes on our spare time, whether it be weekends or weekdays. I’ve only been to his place but he hasn’t been to mine. Reason being is I have two little girls (4&6) and I’m about 8 years older than him. He says I would be his girlfriend if these thing were different. We both put a slight guard up b/c I guess he feels the way I do…he doesn’t want to fall if this goes nowhere. We work with all these amazing foreign women who are so much younger than me and they flirt with him all the time, and hes naturally charming, but he always ignores it. I always feel maybe i should end to give hime room to find that one. I’ve had opportunities to be in relationships with other men, committed ones, but I’ve all but chased them away because they don’t compare to him. There are only three things that bother in all this: 1) he’s always afraid we’ll walk into someone we work with and they’ll discover our litte thing. 2) I’ve only met one of his friends and ive never been invited to hang out with his other friends. They know about me but i think he feels awkward about my age and my children. He and everyone is always deceive by my age- they think im in my early 20’s but im over 30. 3) when we’re together and his parents call, he’ll say he’s with friends or he’s at work.

    We are easy together, have so much fun every time and we do the whole sit to watch movies, go out to eat, take walks and show PDA…he’s never raised his voice at me or hurt me in any way. I give him advice and he listens and offers me with just that. BUT why do i feel Im falling into the FBF catergory? I don’t know what to do… Should I leave this alone

  • triple g

    So me and this guy were talking, hoping we could be more while getting to know eachother, I really liked him, I felt I more then liked him. One day he went through my phone ( we were not even dating yet ) and he saw some texts from a guy that I was also interested in but I had stopped talking to. He got very upset bc he found out I had slept with this guy while talking to him, before I ended it. He then texed me that me and him have no future in bf or gf but if I would like a mess around with him then he would be fine with it. I told him that I would not be able to go through with that bc of the feelings I have for him, but eventually I gave in bc of the feelings I have for him. He gets upset still though if I go out with friends or if he finds out another guy is interested in me. Could this mean he still feels something for me?

  • AnneLTR

    Dear Susan,

    This website and this post is amazing! Thank you so much for showing the Light to so many women all over the world.

    I’m 32 years old, attractive, and pretty much balanced and complete in my life and with myself… I am aware of who I am (flaws and strengths) and where I’m headed in the future. I have a stable career. I’m looking for something fun and light which could potentially turn into an LTR and eventually marriage.

    I don’t “hookup” (meaning casual sex), unless i know I’m in a committed, exclusive situation with the other party. I was never into casual sex.

    I get asked out by the opposite sex fairly often, and I also do get setup by friends on dates. I have been pretty lucky in that my first dates with men usually result in second dates and so on. Sadly, I do the turning down after a couple of dates because I don’t want to lead them on. In other words I haven’t met a guy that really piqued my interest until……before new year of 2012 where I was introduced by my close friends to this amazing (and hot) guy (he’s 34, a bit of an alpha i think but has been known to be in LTRs) during a party in a bar. We were both tipsy and yet sparks flew and we hit it off immediately, we basically just flirted like crazy until our friends had to pry us away from each other because it was closing time.

    He asked me out a day later and we had an amazing first date on the 1st of January 2012 that ended with breakfast and beer at 6 am. Yes, we kissed passionately (no necking)…and yes he asked if i wanted to spend the night to which i politely declined, after which we had breakfast….

    The next day via sms he was messaging about how he had such an amazing time and how much fun we had. Here’s the catch….we both live apart (about six hours away by car) and i had to leave the next day…that was almost three weeks ago….

    Despite my blowing him off and my calling him out (in a nice way) to the fact that he wanted to “spend the night”…he’s kept in touch vis sms ever since. I get texts almost everyday (or every other) about how my day went, and other random stuff…. He’s been very sweet too with his messages, asking about work showing concern about whether I’ve had enough sleep or food. I’ve been pretty receptive I think, And he initiates contact most of the time. He’s also mentioned on more than one occasion that he’s moving to the city where I live but that there’s been a bit of delay.

    And yet we’re both unsure as to when we will be seeing each other again until now…when I’ll be coming up for the weekend to see him (my mum wants me to go on a trip with her to the city where he lives…what perfect excuse to see him)

    For the past three weeks he’s all I could think about, I could barely eat or sleep and I feel really energized. I’m so distracted.

    So this week, during one of our text convos, he casually bring up first when i’ll be “coming up” to his city… and i say this long weekend! So i’m pretty positive i’ll be seeing him and he seems pretty excited though he hasn’t made definite plans yet.

    I think this is a case of both us us exhibiting the principle of least interest and it’s driving me insane. I want him to be my boyfriend (although I know you’ll say that’s pretty unrealistic). My best bet know is to be my most charming attractive self and see how this all unfolds…

    Most of the signs you mentioned in this post seems true of him….it’s all in the early stages and I want to play my cards right… so I intend to not sleep with him until I know he’s not seeing anybody else or we have a DTR talk. He’s my fb friend and although he seems alpha, there’s a sensitive side to him and his party photos aren’t littered with women hovering all around him.

    What do I do Susan? I would appreciate your thoughts on the matter.
    I really really like this guy.

    Love and Light,

    Anne LTR

  • AnneLTR

    Hi Susan/ Badger,

    A quick update;
    We had an amazing weekend
    spent saturday and sunday evening till morning just having breakfast and talking
    He took me to a hotel bar where a band as playing, he wanted to hear me sing (I sing for jazz band on the side) and he even took a video. He introduced me to his best friend and the three of us hungout for a bit. He also introduced me to his cousins. He was openly affectionate in public and in the car, holding my hand, caressing my cheek, holding my hand and kissing it in the car. He made an effort to show me around his city.
    We kissed passionately…(no sex, nor did he pressure or ask me for it unlike our first date when we kissed and he sort of “tested” me and asked if wanted to spend the night). On my last night as he was dropping me off at home he said “not to miss him too much”.. he said it again via sms.. I took it as a way of him to gauge how I’d react and how I felt for him in return.

    Now that I’m back in my own city he messages me every night….

    We’re both looking forward to when I get back to his city on business in a week….and he’s genuinely excited.

    I think I’m falling for him…how do i turn what we have into an LTR….
    I’m keeping my cool, I’m scared to tell him how i fee this early because I don’t want to lose him. I haven’t liked this guy as much in ages. He’s handsome and sweet and kind and respectful of me.

    I’d really appreciate your thoughts.

    Peace Love and Light

    Anne LTR

  • Sophia

    Hello,
    I am 23 and am currently seeing a man 10 years my senior. In the start it was supposed to be casual but as time went on the texting,calling and time we spend together has become a lot more frequent…like multiple times a week seeing eachother and texting everyday(but he hardly will ever text me first)now this has progressed over the last year. He has severe problems expressing his emotions about his “feelings” for me whatever they may be…he gives me glimpses of his caring side and I truly adore and enjoy spending time with him but I’m very confused. He told me one day to tell him how I feel so I told him and his response was: “Just because I enjoy my freedom doesn’t mean I don’t want someone in my life.” I am so confused by this! At times he is so sweet to me,holding my hand,kissing me,holding me,making me laugh! I feel like alone we get along great when he lets his guard down we are so compatible but in public is a whole other story we have never been out together on like a “date” and if we bump into eachother while we are out clubbing or at an event he never approaches me just stares and watches my every move! He told me if I want to “play the field” feel free but he would stop seeing me. So my question is does he care about me or is it all just a game? I should add that his last relationship was 13 years and mine was 3 both ending within the last two years. Any advice that.can be offered would help greatly!

  • darlene

    … what if a hook up becomes very regular, displays quite a bit of affection in public (around people we had discussed should not be aware of said “hooking up”), allows you to be alone in his house while hes at an appointment, buys you coffee, makes you breakfast, provides you with a new toothbrush and insists you spend a majority of the day with him while going out of his way to be affectionate? is there any possibility this could be more, or am i just naive?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @darlene

      Of course it could be something more, and there’s a good way to find out. Ask him. Serious relationships can and do start with hooking up, if both parties were open to a relationship from the start.

  • http://backpainmat.com.au/ Dan

    I’m a guy and most of this sounds like total BS to me. What you’re describing can basically just be a needy insecure guy. My girl friends often complain about guys that act like that very early on. Most guys are suckers and come across as pretty desperate I guess. Guys express feelings differently than women. Teasing and wanting to take care of her is a strong sign of affection. Being needy-ish and desperate-ish like you are describing is NOT. I agree that wanting to show her off is a strong sign that he’s very interested in something serious though. That’s a good one!

  • HelloKitty326

    Hi, I would love some advice about my current situation. I met this guy over a year ago through another guy I was dating at the time. We became friends and hang out with the same circle of friends often. Over the past year, he has indicated interest in hanging out, just the two of us, and I have always brushed it off with a joke or something. About two months ago, I decided that I actually would give this guy a chance, and it was totally random. He came over and we watched a movie and had sex that same night, which ended up being great. Currently, we have hung out a lot more, just the two of us, or with his friends, or mine. For Valentine’s Day, he came over and cooked me dinner. He brought all the food and even brought me flowers. It was awesome. My partial problem is, I feel like most of the time, it has been me initiating a hangout session. He hasn’t ever really declined unless he has other plans or something, but I am wondering if it could possibly be one-sided. It is confusing because before I gave into hanging out with him, as more than friends, it was always him texting me asking to hang out. I don’t really have any doubts that he is interested in me, and likes me, but I want to know how to realize if he is in it for sex, or for more. I would like to be exclusive and start a relationship, so maybe I should just give it more time. I also don’t want to be the one to ask, because there have been a couple times we discussed it (briefly) via text messaging, and he indicated that he “definitely likes sex with me, but also really enjoys hanging out with me.” It didn’t go much further than that. He has told me that he finds both my physical appearance and personality attractive and we always have a great time together, laughing. I guess what I’m wondering is, if he’s just in it for the hookup or how to realize if he wants more. Thanks!

  • Loved&Lost

    Dear Susan,
    Long story short.
    I’m 20 years old. I have dated the same guy my entire high school career.
    I am finally single & have been for the last 7 months. I decided that I was ready to move on and meet different people.

    I met this guy at school and he insisted getting to know me at first. It started off by him always texting me, wanting to hang out. He’s great! I like his personality and just the way he lives his life.

    I haven’t been single in FOREVER and so of course I start to like him. The first couple of times that I have been over we would just make out. Nothing serious. (He never tried to go further) The other night I went to his party and he asked me to stay the night. We had sex. He holds me as if he really cares about me. He kisses me in front of his friends too. Yet I wonder if he does this to every girl he hooks up with. He has told me about his past and he is defiantly experienced… lets just put it that way. I don’t want to be another one of his girls that he can just add on to the list.

    Anyways,
    After we had sex I told him that he should consider himself “lucky” b/c i’m very picky with who I choose to hook up with. He asked what made him so different and I explained… he responded with “I like to have a connection as friends before sex comes into play… So that if anything more does or does NOT happen at least we have that base of friendship” He texted me the next day as if everything was normal…

    I am honestly so confused. I feel like i’m over thinking everything and it’s driving me INSANE. I know you’re probably going to tell me to just talk to him about it or ask him what the deal is but I don’t want him to think “oh god… look what I got myself into.” I want him to bring it up to me first. I want him to show me that he likes me more than just some girl who comes over and now probably has sex.. since it already happened the first time. I want him to be into me more than that… I can see him as a future boyfriend or something serious. How can I get it to lead in that direction with out coming off too clingy?

    Advice would be great since you seem to be so good at it and I am so new to this whole “single” thing… It seems like every guy these days wants nothing but a hook up buddy. I hate that. Help!

  • Sara

    Hi, My name is Sara. I am a 20 year old female who started to hook up with a guy lets call him “John”. We havent been hooking up for long at all and Im fine with the hooking up its fun for both of us. However here is the problem we hookup 3-4 times a week and each time it is hours on end like 12 bc thats when he gets off work until like 4 p.m the next day when he goes back to work. I like that but the hooking up is appearing to be more than that and im fine with that as well its just he told me he wanted something causal at first and to see where it went because he just got out of a very long serious relationship with a girl he loved dearly who cheated on him and then played his heart, his exact words. I told him I was fine with taking things slow and keeping things causal at first and seeing where it went from there but now it seems like it is more, he is spending hours talking to me about my life and things in my past, telling me about his life and him growing up his past sexual relationships and his “first time” I have spoken to him about mine. He holds me and sleeps next to me when we have sex he wants me to get off at least 2-3 times before he even wants to have sex as in oral sex and then spends more time focused on me again not complaining just curious as to what it could mean. He texts me and we talk for hours about his job and his life we talk about my figure skating ( I figure skate) and all kinds of things it will get sexual for a few texts then we are back to talking about each others lives. I really do like him and he appears to like me but I dont want to push him away by making him think I am wanting more or moving to fast does it appear he is devloping feelings or am I simply over reacting or mis reading the situation?

  • Confused Neighbor

    Hi, I have a situation that is driving me insane to figure out. I have been sleeping with my neighbor. We get a long really well and I watch his two adorable kids for him sometimes. We hang out at the same bar and obviously see each other when we are outside at our houses. About two weeks ago he said that we should stop having sex (we hooked up twice) because he doesn’t want it to complicate things with us living so close (we both own our houses) and that if we dated it could be the best thing in the world or the worst. He also said that he wasn’t sure that we had feelings enough to date one another. So, that we should just stop hooking up and be friends. I told him that I understood his reasoning, I didn’t like it but I understood.However, later he was glued to my side and very touching, caressing, and just very attentive to me. When we stepped outside that night he kissed me for no reason, and when I asked he just said ” because I wanted to.” When I drove back home we said our goodnight. Not even 10 minutes later he text-ed me he needed a cuddle buddy. So, we cuddled that night and we had sex again this past Friday. He has been super friendly sense and when I got us food and made sure it was spicy he said “that’s my girl.” I am just so confused as to what is going on. PLEASE HELP ME! I like this guy and I just want to know if he likes me back.

  • Alex Marren

    Susan,

    I’ve “hooked up” (no sex) with this one guy two different times within the past four months. We both go to the same university, are from the same state and hometown and have several mutual friends. We met at the campus bar back in November and we just talked and got to know each other a bit and danced, he asked for my number and immediately friended me on Facebook. Afterwards we just went our separate ways. A few weekends later we ran into each other at the bar again and all we did was just talk about where we went to school back home and got to know each other a little more, no dancing or anything that night. We again were at the bar a few weekends later and he came up to me and hugged me and asked me to dance, afterwards he held my hand and told me he wanted me to meet some of his friends, that night we didn’t do anything either. Then another night at the bar we danced and ended up making out on the dance floor, he took me back to his dorm and we just made out for awhile, talked and watched a movie and then he walked me home later that night. Just last night he introduced me to some of his friends from back home (I went to grade school and high school with some of them) and we all talked for awhile, him and I then danced and ended up making out. He held my hand the rest of the night and brought me back to his dorm again where we did everything but have sex, he didn’t even seem to be trying for it and was very sweet about everything and kissed me a lot. He asked me to stay over and we cuddled the rest of the night and even into the morning. And then I went back to my dorm.

    The thing is, I don’t know what he’s thinking or feeling about me. A part of me feels he’s genuinely interested but doesn’t want anything too serious right now just got out of a year long relationship late in the summer) which is why he’s not pushing to have sex with me. He doesn’t text or chat me, but when we see each other out in public he’ll acknowledge me, give me a hug and talk for a bit.

    Susan it would be great if I could get the best feedback from you as is possible! I’m so confused but really feel that there is something there between us. Thanks!

  • Mickey

    Hi!

    I just wondered if maybe I could get a little insight on my current situation. Freshman year of college (January 2010) I became best friends with this guy, let’s call him Andrew. So Andrew and I talked every single day all day via text, sometimes on facebook chat, and he would call me every few days and every time he went out drinking. We started hanging out a lot and I ended up dating his best friend, Joe, after being introduced to everyone. Things ended with Joe about two months after they began. I find out now, from his other best friend, Jake, that Andrew was “in love” with me from the very beginning of our friendship. Andrew was always an amazing shoulder to cry on and about 6 months later (November 2010), we ended up hooking up sober.

    It sort of evolved into an exclusive hook up before I knew it. I kept talking to other guys and going on dates because our limitation was no sex with other people. He was always very sweet and very focused on me, telling me how beautiful I am and that he can’t believe I would be with him, etc. He would want to cuddle and get mad when I snuck out in the morning without saying goodbye. He would ask why I was going these dates. Then he told a guy in his house he could ask me out, but told me not to go. Eventually he confessed he had feelings for me and I said that I didn’t feel the same, but didn’t want things to stop.

    About a month later (April 2011) he told me we should stop hooking up because he was talking to a girl, Mary, that he had stopped talking to in the fall for me and didn’t think it was fair. I was angry and told him I had made a mistake and that I did have feelings for him. He told me that I had already said otherwise and now he wanted to see things out with her. They broke up two months later because she didn’t like his relationship with me and then cheated on him. He would never admit to me that Mary was his girlfriend, even though everyone said she was. Contact between us was way more strained and awkward, but we hung out a couple times in the month following the breakup. Every time I would call him drunk and ask his feelings he said he still liked me, but it didn’t fall back together. We ended up hooking up the night before I left for Europe (July 2011).

    I was away in Europe for a couple months and he contacted me once, but I was super distant and he didn’t contact me again. I returned home in December of 2011. We got in a fight about how we weren’t close anymore in January, but things returned to civil by early February. A week or so later we went on a trip to Vegas with all our mutual friends. He volunteered to ride in my car a day early to hang out with me and a couple girls he barely knows. The entire Vegas trip he was looking out for me and really sweet, telling me how pretty I looked every night and mentioning that we had hooked up by making jokes in front of people. I had been keeping it a secret, but he apparently told a bunch of his friends while I was gone the whole story, but said he had no feelings anymore.

    By the end of February, we were hanging out in groups again because he would invite himself when I went out with our mutual friends. He would show up at the bars I was going to, come into rooms I was hanging out in at the fraternity, or appear next to me on the dance floor. He was really nice to the friends I brought around and they said he was constantly keeping an eye on where I was. He would always share his drink with me, etc. By the end of February, we somehow ended up leaving a bar together and hooking up. He invited me to stay the night, but it was nothing particularly special.

    We hung out a couple more times and then, about two weeks ago he came into a room I was in with his friends studying. He sat next to me and held my hand under his leg and was hugging me and teasing me in front of them. So we went out on the balcony and he started kissing me, at which point I initiated a conversation that if he expected us to hook up he needed to contact me and hang out with me sober. He has been bad about contacting everyone lately, but I said that I wanted to be important. He said he cared about me and my feelings and that if I ever felt unsure of the situation all I had to do was text or call and he would reassure me. He told me that he didn’t know if he could give me much at the moment because he just got a new job in a different state and is graduating so he is freaking out about life. He said that he was more of an asshole than he used to be, but that it didnt mean he didnt care. I said I didn’t want to hear his copouts with me because he is a good guy.

    He was kissing my nose and forehead during the whole conversation and holding my hands. He admitted he was a little tipsy, but not much and said that he liked that I was sober (we used to hook up sober and drunk). So we started play wrestling and tickling each other and ended up hooking up. It was very slow and he wanted me on top a lot, kept pulling me closer to him, looking into my eyes, saying my name a lot, and holding my hands almost the entire time. He said that he was there to make sure it was good for me so he kept delaying his own and asking what I wanted. We ended up hooking up for ages and stopping to chat for a second or do something silly. He kept saying how turned on he was and how amazing it was.

    Later, we moved to his room where things started up again. He asked if it was okay, and I joked that it was only because I hadn’t conquered this room yet. He said, “if that’s the only reason, I don’t want to have sex with you.” I said that I was kidding and asked what answer he wanted so he played it off as a joke and moved past it. This time, we were touching foreheads for a good minute and even eskimo kissed afterwards. Then he wanted to shower which was just fun, playing around, no sex. He even dried my hair for me after and dressed me after. When we went to sleep he spooned me and was holding one of my hands. That’s how we fell asleep and he wrapped his legs between mine and spooned me the entire night.

    Since then, he’s texted me about twice a week with random things, asking my opinion on his hair or an outfit, or telling me he had work early like me, etc. But it’s not a whole lot of contact. He also invited me to hang out sober and asked me about my new job. We just sat and watched TV for a few hours. We have hung out several times since and he hasn’t made a move, drunk or sober and our friends have been teasing me about the fact that we hooked up and asking whats up (we used to hide it before).

    Last night, he just said hi, but didn’t really pay much attention to me when I showed up to see another one of his friends for a minute that’s just in town for the weekend. He didn’t know I was coming over and seemed a bit caught off-guard. So I texted him, telling him that it made me feel unsure of things when he was dismissive in person on occasion and that it made me worry that he didn’t mean the things he said about caring about me. He said that he was sorry if he seemed distant right now and that his entire life is changing, so that’s all he can focus on at the moment. I said that I understood, I just needed some reassurance sometimes that it wasn’t just meaningless sex. Later that night, when he was drunk at bars, he said he didn’t know what to say, but he was sitting rereading it drunk and he would text me the next day. He never mentioned it today.

    Everyone who has known us since the beginning says there’s no way he doesn’t have feelings and that it’s obviously not about the sex if he rarely makes a move even though we see each other a few times a week. Most people also think that he is trying to keep me close, but also at arm’s reach because he is trying to make sure I will fit into his new life, figure out his future, and decide if he wants to trust me again after all the rejection before he decides either way. I wanted him to say explicitly that it wasn’t just sex for him, but I feel deep down that it isn’t.

    His best friend says they haven’t talked much about it (he moved north so they talk less), but that I should go for it. I also wonder what he wanted to say drunk, but didn’t say. He has kept his promise of contacting me and hanging out sober, but to the least degree possible. Are the feelings still there and do I stand a chance? Is he just being cautious? How do I act now? Thanks!

    -Mickey

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      Unfortunately, it’s no longer possible to provide individual advice on the older threads. If you would like feedback from me and other readers, please submit your question to the forum. You will find the tab at the top of the page or you can click here: http://www.hookingupsmart.com/forum/.