10 Signs That Your Hookup is Falling For You
In a culture that prioritizes sexual intimacy before emotional intimacy, forming real romantic attachments is a challenge for both men and women. And yet, many relationships begin with casual sex.
I’ve created a flowchart describing the anatomy of relationships today:
As you can see, there are lots of hurdles one needs to jump before landing in a loving romantic relationship, known as dating. And there are many perils and risks along the journey. So before you reach DATE, how can you tell whether the other person is getting invested? You can ask, of course, and I always encourage you to do that. It can be awkward, though, and it’s better if you are not left wondering every step of the way, in need of verbal clarification to understand what is going on.
Here are some signs that indicate a guy is falling for you:
1. He seeks information about your life.
He is curious about your schedule, your friendships, your favorite things, what you find funny, etc. He wants to acquaint himself with your background and your routines.
2. He seeks your approval.
Whether it’s about his new haircut, an interest of his, or his friendships, he seeks reassurance that you find him appealing.
3. He jokes about his potential competition in a way that is clearly designed to elicit information.
He may be curious about who is calling or texting. Or he may ask you how you know a certain guy that you seem friendly with. Again, he is seeking reassurance. He hopes that you will tell him indirectly that there is no one else you are interested in besides him.
4. He does not keep you guessing.
Of course you’ll wonder just what he is feeling for you. But once he decides he likes you, he’ll want you to know it, so that you’ll stick around and like him back. He will show interest clearly by keeping in touch so that you don’t hook up with someone else. You should never feel that he is secretive, especially about what he’s doing when he’s not with you. If his friends don’t seem to know much about you or your role in his life, that is never a good sign.
5. He cares how you feel.
If he’s into it, he will not roll his eyes when you need to talk. If anything, he will act more communicative than he normally is, in an effort to show you he is capable of talking about emotions (even though he hates it).
6. He shows you off.
He wants his friends to see you with him, and to introduce you to them. He acts pleased to know you in a group setting with other girls around. He is staking a claim to signal to other guys that you are otherwise occupied. He is happy to admit that he is attracted to you.
7. He wants to have a lot of affectionate contact that is not sexual.
He will enjoy holding hands, giving hugs, and touching you during conversation. He wants to be close to you in a way that includes friendship and affection other than sex.
8. You’ve developed your own private “language.”
He’ll create private jokes, nicknames, and other endearments that create intimacy between the two of you. He’ll tease you. This is especially telling, because guys feel more comfortable being affectionate early in a relationship when it is cloaked in humor. If he teases with an edge, though, in a way that embarrasses or humiliates you, you need to bounce.
9. He does not demonstrate interest in anyone else.
If he’s doing a lot of flirting, or worse, hooking up with someone else, give it up.
10. During sex, he focuses on you.
He tries hard to please you by paying attention to your signals, or asking point blank. Lots of eye contact, using your name, and letting you know how turned on he is are all very good signs that you are not just a warm and soft receptacle for his orgasm. You should feel that the sex is definitely about the two of you together, rather than individuals each getting off.
Not all of these signs need to occur early or simultaneously for a guy to be developing real feelings for you. But they serve as an indication of his level of investment. The bottom line is that if you have to wonder whether or not he likes you, then you should assume that he doesn’t. If he is not reliably and consistently attentive, remember that you are a free agent, and keep your options open. If he doesn’t want to risk losing you to someone else, he’ll make his interest clear.
What have I left out? Is there something else a guy does that lets you know he is really interested?
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Way too complicated. I have had guys do all the the above but they were total crazy muffin cheaters. Or they lived in another city or weren't really interested in commitment, etc.
If a guy really wants to be IN A RELATIONSHIP with you, he'll do these things, yes. But a guy who just enjoys being intimate with you will do them too. He might secretly be longing to be intimate with everyone else.
The ONLY way to know is to ask directly and pointedly. As your flow chart points out, this will most likely end in a “date” or “dumped” conclusion. But isn't it best to know sooner and not waste any more of your precious youth on false intimacy lovers.
You know that I agree with you, because I've written about Intimacy Lite and Say What You Need to Say. However, I'm aware that it's not realistic to expect women to have “the talk” in the first few weeks. Also, there's a period early on where both parties are getting to know each other, and shouldn't necessarily be held accountable for their intentions regarding a relationship. These signs refer to that early period, where you don't want to be calling him out, but you want a sense of how it's going. Do some guys do all of the above simultaneously with several women? Yes, and they are cheating liars. But I don't think that is the norm. I think that if you are experiencing all of the above with a guy early on, that's an excellent prospect.
My “boyfriend” would like to know what you mean by “Fake BF”…BTW he loved the chart!
I think the best one is;
“if you have to wonder whether or not he likes you, then you should assume that he doesn’t.” I think you pretty much know where you stand, whether or not you want to. You can attempt to dream up how you want it to be, but in reality, you know. At least I do.
Gigi, thanks for your comment! Fake BF is when you are hooking up regularly with a guy, you think it is going great, it feels just like dating except that you have never actually had the Define the Relationship talk. You find out it wasn't dating when he hooks up with someone else, which is his right if there was no official commitment. Girls need to make their wishes and expectations clear if they don't want to fall into the Fake BF trap. By the way, what does your boyfriend think of the 10 signs? Are they legit?
Searchingwithin, I agree. I think that is the key point. If you're wondering, either he's not into it, or he's playing mind games. Both of those scenarios are unacceptable. I urge women to wait for someone who will make his interest and intent clear. If you don't wait, then by definition you settle.
So I've been “hooking” up with this guy for a month and it's weird cause he shows those signs, I told him I wanted to end things last night and he seemed disappointed almost like he didn't want to stop, when I got off the phone with him I just hung up in his face, and he txt me about 2hrs later asking me if i were awake. I'm forgetting to mention that I'm married. I know horrible, but that's a total different story. To me he seems like the type of guy I wouldn't typically like or date more of a man whore, but he shows a lot of interest in me. I need some advice please!!
Listen, I'm not judging you but I think I have to draw the line at giving adultery advice. I just can't do it. I don't know your story, but I do know one thing. What's needed here is a lot more open communication among all three members of this triangle.
Also, just wondering: why would you need advice on how to deal with a man whore? Dump!
Listen, I'm not judging you but I think I have to draw the line at giving adultery advice. I just can't do it. I don't know your story, but I do know one thing. What's needed here is a lot more open communication among all three members of this triangle.
Also, just wondering: why would you need advice on how to deal with a man whore? Dump!
I have an important serious question. I recently ended my almost 3 year relationship being a college student in my senior year. I have known two really great gorgeous girls and was starting to get to know one to which i started to focus some of my “attention” towards. I had an event to which I bring a date coming up so I asked the one to the weekend event and right before I left, the other girl came onto me and we “hooked up” – made out and such. Then the weekend happened and I had sexual relations with the one girl because it clicked. Then we get back and they kinda found out about each other. The one from the weekend I continued to hook up with twice and we watched a few movies and such. The only problem is I have fallen for the other girl after being with the other one a few times. She found out I had stayed over and such and she was mad and blah but she still shows interest. Bad News: they live across the hall from each other on the same floor of an apartment structure. Look i'm not some player and i'm completely new to this being single thing as its only been less than 2 months since my breakup, I have no idea what to do. I like both … only legitimately hooked up with one…please give some advice thanks so much!
Hi Stromscr3, thanks for your question. Before I answer it, I just want to make sure I've got the details straight.
1. You asked Girl A to a weekend away.
2. You made out with Girl B just before the weekend.
3. You and Girl A have now had sex three times, and are hanging out.
4. Girl B is pissed that you have hooking up with Girl A, but she's still acting interested in you.
5. You say you like both, but you have really fallen for Girl B. You are losing interest in Girl A.
For what it's worth, based on what you've said, I don't think you've done anything wrong, but it is really important that you are honest with these girls. Let me know if I understand correctly, and we'll take it from there.
I'm glad you found HUS!
Yeah i'm really glad I found this website too and yes you have everything correct. I really like both girls for different things they offer and being newly single I dunno how to handle this attention. I don't want to play the girls but I also want to be single. I feel like I am gonna get myself caught up in a relationship I don't want to be in right away. Thanks again for your response!
Storm, I've decided to write a post about this. I'll put it up tomorrow morning! Let me know what you think in the Comments of that one.
Thank you so much Susan -
It's up!
Hi,
I have known this guy for a little more than 2 months now. There was a good chemistry from the beginning, and we became very good friends, like we would spend hours till early morning talking about each other. He wanted to know everything about me. I eventually fell for him, and we ended up having sex. After that night, though, he called me saying that he felt a bit 'weird' because he still felt guilty for his ex girlfriend (they broke a year and a half ago, but they were together for 10 years) even though he agreed that was rather absurd. I told him I liked him, but he said he didn't want to have romantic relationships for the moment, and that we could keep 'doing stuff' and be friends. After that, though, he showed more affection than a normal friend would do. He would tell me that he missed me, and he showed photos of me to his family. Now things haven't changed much, we still see each other everyday and spend time together, except we haven't had sex since after Xmas holidays. He's a very complex guy, he tends to be depressed often and is very insecure.I am very much in love with him, but I feel like he's giving me very mixed signs and can't figure out what he feel for me.
Thanks!
Hi italiangirl, thanks for leaving a comment! Wow, that sounds like a very complicated situation. I can understand why you can't figure it out! My thoughts:
1. For whatever reason, he hasn't moved on emotionally from his ex-gf. It does seem odd if it's been a year and a half. But he is clearly telling you that he is not looking for a relationship, and I always say when a guy tells you that, believe him.
2. “Doing stuff and being friends” is all well and good for him, but it kind of sucks for you. You're in love with him, so that is going to make you feel terrible pretty quickly. Again, this is a man telling you he is not available. It's a bad deal for you.
3. You mention that you've known him a bit more than 2 months, but you haven't had sex for a few weeks. That strikes me as odd – since those weeks make up about half the time you've known him.
4. If he is depressed and insecure on top of everything else, he is not good relationship material.
I know you've fallen for this guy, but if I were you I would stop having sex altogether. Perhaps you can go back to being platonic friends, but if you are really in love with him, it would probably be useful for you to take a break. As things stand, I don't see anything ahead for you but heartbreak. If that has to happen, better now than in a few months or more.
The bottom line is not what he feels for you. This is where girls often make their biggest mistake. The real question is what he is willing to OWN. If he's fighting his feelings and pushing you away you have nothing. He has to deliver on his feelings, or it does you no good at all.
I'm sorry to be harsh here – but I don't have a good feeling about where this guy's head is at.
This post is great! My situation is thus; I met a guy almost a year ago, and he was more attracted to me than I was to him. I was also with someone else at that time so I completely stopped talking to the man I'd met. He left a few “why aren't you talking to me?” voicemails and texts before giving up and going his own way. We go to the same university, and this year we live in the same apartment building. It was awkward seeing him at first, but we went along not really talking up until about three weeks ago I saw him at a bar and he asked if we could “be friends”. Since that night, I've talked to him mostly every day. We had sex a few nights after, but he frequently comes over to my apartment to watch movies and talk. We kiss and cuddle and lot, and he is displaying all of the signs you have listed here as being interested in more than a sex-based relationship. He is very curious about my life, definitely tries to see if I'm interested in anyone else and is generally a very sweet guy.
Now, that is all well and great, but the first night we had sex he asked what I was looking for, and I said I wasn't looking for anything in particular, just going with the flow. He said he wasn't looking for anything too serious, which makes me think it's just a friends with benefits deal we've started. The other thing that sort of worries me is that before he and I started, for the last few months he had been hooking up with a different girl. To my knowledge they haven't hooked up since he and I started talking again, but it still seems like they are friendly.
I don't know whether he just likes being intimate without a relationship, or he actually likes me as more than a hookup and this could grow into something more. I know the probable best thing to do is just give it a little time and see what happens, but if you have any input that would be wonderful!
Thanks so much Susan, your articles are great!
Hey, Stargirl, thanks for stopping by and commenting!
It's pretty obvious to me that both of you are caught up in pretending to be the least interested party. You're both playing it so cool, it's freezing!
What you should do next depends on how you feel about him. If you are down for FWB, no-strings, you don't have to do anything, it sounds like that's pretty much what you've got now, even if you both feel more.
If you are cool keeping it casual, but want to be exclusive sexually, you've got to raise that issue. How would you feel if you found out he was having sex with you AND the other girl? If you are not willing to double dip, you're going to have to say so. From an STD standpoint, this is important, and I recommend that you at least know whether the guy you are having sex with is with anyone else too.
However, I do get the impression you like this guy, and would welcome the chance to see if this could develop into something more serious. You could just give it more time, but as I said above, I think you at least need to know whether he is having sex with anyone else, and if you're going to have that convo, you might as well go all out and ask him where he sees this going.
I know it's awkward to ask, but I'd hate to see you waste time, like weeks or even months, only to find out you two aren't on the same page. On the other hand, he might say right now that he wants to make it work, and you'll feel great about it. Either way, in this situation more info is better than less info.
Hey! I love your advice column and that you actually check it and give great, attentive advice! I'm having a little confusion in my love life and was wondering if you can help me see the light.
Here it goes:
I was introduced to a great guy, few years older, out of college (I'm about to grad college) through a mutual friend. Weve been seeing each other for a few mos now. We went out on a few dates and really hit it off. We've become very close. Met his family, went away together for a weekend, hang out with him very regularly, and have met all his friends! His job requires him to travel about 20 hours away from time to time but he also has time periods when he is home. About a month ago, we had the “where is this going talk” (that i initiated). He seemed uncomfortable during the talk and said he didn't think it was fair to put a title on this right now, when his work is so unpredictable at the moment. That i understood. but he then proceeded to explain that he doesn't want us to see anyone else, which really confuses me. I'm not sure if he really does have intentions to commit to a serious relationship in the future, or if this is just a casual relationship thing or as you call it “the fake b/f”. I can tell he really cares about me. Hes very affectionate, sweet, caring and is genuinely a nice guy. He loves introducing me to all his friends, isn't secretive at all we never fight. What do you think is going on here? Should i initiate the talk again?
Thanks for your advice, i look forward to it!
Hi prettyconfused, thanks for leaving a question. I'll do my best to answer it. My sense is that this relationship is going extremely well, and I wouldn't worry too much about making it official right now. He expressed that he doesn't feel ready. His work plays a role, but also, it might just be too soon for him to want to be serious.
On the other hand, he has requested that the two of you be exclusive, so he's not just playing you or keeping his options open (fake BF). It sounds to me from your description of his behavior that his feelings are genuine and he doesn't really want to keep himself on the market.
I would chill for a bit. Enjoy each other's company. He now knows that you would like to at least consider a commitment, and believe me, he won't forget. Don't mention it again, as long as you continue to feel that he is attentive and interested. If you ever start getting mixed signals, that's a different story, but for now I would just let things take their natural course. He sounds like a great guy.
Thank you, it's good to hear from an outsiders POV.
Keep me posted!
So, I had two birthday parties this year and this guy Sean went to both of them.. one was in the town he lives in and the other one was in Orlando where I live currently its about a 45 minute drive.. Sean and I are friends with other mutual friends.. we have known each other for about 5 months.. I never had interest in him.. I just thought he was a really nice guy and a good friend.. when I saw him on Tuesday at the bar he was looking soo good and I was defenitly flirting with him and giving him compliments… we didn't hook up that night but we did hook up thursday after we got back from the club..before the club he complimented me on my dress.. we also danced all night at the club and I have never seen him dance before at the bar or anywhere.. it was shocking. Sean and I did hook up once in December but I wasn't interested in him so I never called him or anything. I don't know what has changed but I'm so into him now so I'm wondering.. do you think that he could potential like him as something more then a hookup or do you think I blew it and he just wants to get to the business. We were texting back and forth and I asked him if he likes me or just likes to hookup and he didn't even write back I really think that's a bad sign.. his homeboys always said he is really shy.. but I'm a straight forward person if I want to know something I ask and if someone asks me something I tell them the truth. I really don't want him to not tell me just to protect my feelings.. its not like I'm going to die.. what shuld I do next aabout this situation!Any and all advice would be great. Thank You!
Welcome, shellz0508, thanks for your question. I think it's great that you came right out and asked him what's up. It would have been better for you if that had been in person, so that you could have gotten a straight answer. His not answering that question was rude, and that does tell you something.
I have no idea what's going on in his head. As a rule, I don't listen to what anyone's friends say about them – his say he is shy, but that really doesn't explain his not answering you. I'm not buying it.
I know it's hard to wait and be patient, but you're going to have to see how this plays out. When you see him next, his attitude towards you should give you a strong sense of how he feels. If he's all about the hook up, then ask him again what he's thinking. You have a right to know what he feels before hooking up with him.
If he is into it just for the sex, my advice is to steer clear of him. You've already caught feelings, and more hooking up is not going to help.
If he likes you, he should be eager to let you know that, because he will care about your feelings and will not want you to feel insecure.
hiiii, i'm only fourteen & i think this guy likes me but idk. we hooked up today, (not sex) just making out and a HJ. i know i seem young but it just kida happened. after, we went back to his house and we just kinda cuddled & hung out. i met his parents and they LOVE me, but idk if he likes me as much as they do. he isn't all nice and stuff. i mean, he's a young kid, he kinda makes fun of me just to have fun & i go along with it. we've known each other for awhile but idk if he thinks i'm just a friend or what. i don't wanna tell him i like him, cause i'm scared he won't like me back or that it'll be awkward. how do i let him know i wanna keep seeing him & stuff without seeming clingy ?
Kaybaby1, my advice to you is not to be hooking up with someone who doesn't like you. You like him, and you have now hooked up with him, including getting into his pants. That is a very bad place for you to be if he is just going for sex. Indeed, at 14, that's not a good idea in any case. Of COURSE he wants to hang out again! For another HJ! He figures if he's lucky he'll get a BJ soon!
If you want to know if he likes you, it's easy to find out. Hang out with zero sex. If he sticks around and enjoys your company without getting physical, he likes you. If he disappears, you have your answer.
If you keep hooking up without knowing what he thinks, you are bound to get your feelings hurt.
thank you so much for that adivice. after i already posted that, we texted on the phone more. i asked him whether we're just hook ups or what. he told me “well, you're fun to hang out with, but whatever happens happens.” i don't know what he means by that. & i asked who he likes later on. he told me he kind of likes someone. he hasn't told me who yet, but i'm hoping it's me. how do i get him to like me ?
You can't get someone to like you, you can only be yourself. If he doesn't like you, it's best for you to just move on, because there will be another boy and you deserve someone who truly cares for you.
“Whatever happens, happens” is what a boy says when he does not want to take responsibility. I would be careful here. Whatever you do, don't chase him. That NEVER works.
thank you for that. i have found out that he kinda still likes his ex. a few minutes ago he asked to hang out on saturday or friday. i told him i wouldn't do anything with him because he likes that girl. he hasn't replied yet, but are there any tips i can take as to how to make him chase me? also, what do you mean by he doesn't want to take responsibility ?
Well I happened to stumble across this site and noticed it's relativelly recent so I guess there's no harm in owning up to my walk of shame.
This guy in my English class has been friendly with me since the beginning of the semester about 2 months ago. I friended him on Facebook when we had mutual friends and he IMs me whenever I'm online. A few days ago I asked him if he was going to a speaker in our lecture hall because I thought it was something he'd be into, and he said he hadn't planned on it, but offered to go with me. We had a great time, ended up talking in my room until like 5 am and he was really reluctant to leave, but nothing happened. Midnight the next night I came back from a night out with the girls and we were chatting online and he asked to borrow a movie I didn't have. I suggested he go rent one, he said he'd drank, I offered to drive…etc we spend the night driving, cuddling in his room, and eventually making out.
Nothing too serious; no sex, and no clothes came off, but we both…enjoyed…ourselves?
I woke up early because he was snoring and walked back to my room. He IMed me that night asking when I left, and I told him and asked if I should have woken him. He said “guess not” and we chatted like we used to.
I'm so unsure what to do next. I'm new to this whole college thing; hook-ups are really common, right? Except he didn't try to have sex with me, even though he had been drinking (not much).
I just got out of a year and a half relationship and am so out of my forte. It's been long enough though, that even if he never calls, I can confidently say I'm over my ex, which is good news. But, Susan, what do I do?
In our awesome conversations, I've discovered he's been with more girls than I have guys, but never been serious with any, and has in his words never started things and let the girls do the work, but I'm not too keen on chasing boys. Are we in a stand-off of who asks first?
(Great advice, btw, as a psych major and loving friend, I would have said many of the same things. I just gets complicated when you can't be objective, you know?)
kaybaby1, you don't want a boy to chase you unless he really likes you. And this guy has already said that he still likes his ex. It really doesn't sound like he's ready for anything real with a new girl.
When I say he doesn't want to take responsibility, I'm referring to his saying, “whatever happens, happens.” Instead of saying, “This is what I want, so I will make it happen.” He wants to go with the flow, which is fine if you want the same thing. But you obviously like him, so that really is not such a sweet deal for you.
Hi Alyson, thanks for your question, I'll try to answer it as best I can.
First of all, I love how slowly you guys have taken things. Obviously, this guy likes you and is willing to stick around and get to know you, he isn't all about sex. That's a great start, and it's much better than the opposite!
It sounds like he was a little confused or hurt when he woke up and you had gone. He probably needed to know that you didn't just suddenly wake up and say EW! and run off. So chatting in your usual way was a good thing.
I would say just let this happen organically. Just b/c he likes for girls to do the work (less risk, obvs) it doesn't mean you have to. Meeting him halfway should be fine — you asked about the lecture, he initiated the movie. I wouldn't do anything differently – just be sure and give him friendly attention to signal your continued interest and he will most likely do the same. He's bound to make another move soon.
If he flakes for whatever reason, try not to take it personally. College guys are just as confused as girls are, and no one really knows exactly how to behave around hooking up or relationships.
Keep me posted, but I would say just keep being your friendly and charming self!
Thanks for the kind words, but I got the most ironic speech. While I valued him for the joyous feeling of being over my ex, apparently he's not over his. I got the “I don't want to use you” spiel tonight. After the “Oh man, that night was so great” conversation.
Kind of expected it was too good to be true. My ex has had 3 girlfriends since we broke up and I haven't even had a real date.
Regardless, thank you very much for taking time to respond. It's greatly appreciated.
UGH THAT SUCKS! I'm sorry you had that experience, and I'm glad he was at least honest before sex. So often guys (including your ex, sounds like) head into as many hookups as possible after a breakup, and don't worry too much about how the women are feeling. I've actually heard guys refer to that as “collateral damage.” So FIDO (f**k it drive on). As for waiting for a real date – those are about as frequently cited as the wooly mastodon these days. Still, hang in there, you've got a lot of company, and I'm always here!
Only because I already started this thread, I have an update:
So we talked Friday as he wanted to give me some stuff I loaned him, and it was awkward and got more comfortable as he told me about his ex (briefly) and we joked like we used to. We decided to watch a cheesy scary TV show together and began to wrestle and goof around and eventually he kissed me. Again. And I stop things and ask,
“I thought you didn't like me…”
“You don't like me, you were so angry…”
“Well you blew me off! So what are we doing?”
“I'm attracted to you…”
“What about me?”
“I'm still hung up on her.”
“Me?”
“You're alright; I don't really know you.”
Ouch.
So on the bright side, at least it wasn't a drunken haze. He was actually serious when he said it was about the ex-gf. I never would have guessed since that seems like such a cliche break-up line.
I tried being friend outside his room a few days later so we could “get to know each other.” Didn't talk the whole drive, he texted the whole show but at least he laughed, and had about 30 seconds of normal conversation before he dropped me off outside our dorm without so much as a hug.
So my series of silly hookups continues. Just thought maybe you'd laugh with me. And congratulate the fact I haven't lost my cuteness. I was concerned I was pretty sober.
=]
Alyson, thanks for the update! Gaaaahhhh, boys are dumb. But yes, he was honest, and that is worth a lot. I always respect the guys who will pull the plug b/c they know they're not emotionally ready. Many guys would go for sex in order to get over the ex, and you'd just be collateral damage.
So just take it as it comes. Be his friend, he sounds like he could be an OK friend. Draw boundaries where you think it's appropriate, and give him a little time. He's attracted to you, but still getting over a breakup, and that's fair.
I agree with the ten list of things. But I'm reli confused and need advice… I met this guy and the following night we got drunk and had sex. then the following he came to my apartment just to hangout and we hooked up but sober. Now we hang out almost every day and he makes corny reasons to kiss me. He says he doesnt want a relationship. But he'll take me out to dinner and pay. And he talks to me all the time. I dont know whats going on.
Hi Kathryn, thanks for your question! It's hard to know exactly what this guy is thinking but here are the two possibilities as I see them:
1. He's really just in it for the sex, but is willing to spend time together, hang out, etc. instead of straight FWB. In other words, he wants something casual and friendly, but is giving you notice up front that he will not become your bf.
2. He doesn't like the idea of a relationship, but finds himself extremely attracted to you and enjoys your company. He likes you, so he keeps seeking you out, waiting to see how things will play out.
The problem is that in both scenarios he doesn't want a relationship, and he doesn't want to want a relationship. I know girls hate to initiate the talk, but you have got to ask him straight out what the deal is. If you're falling for him, you need to know now if this has potential or is a dead end. Women can never really understand how a guy could do all of these things and feel NO emotional investment, but it happens all the time. You deserve to know this from a guy you're having sex with, but he'll never bring it up. At least, guys rarely do.
Im hooking up with this guy( kissing only), I knew he liked me but i never gave him a chance because i tried to keep the friend boundaries. He has always been so sweet to me, and one time it just happened we hooked up. I find myself wanting to spend time with him, and i guess I would call him a ” fake bf” since we always spend time together and recently always hook up. I know he wants to be with me as he has told me before, he wants a real relationship. I do enjoy spending time with him, I am not using him or anything and I am not hooking up with anyone else either. Its just I am still in High school and i have other priorities right now. He is a sweet guy, and I have told him before that I do not want to be his girl becz i am still in h.s and have other responsibilities. I feel horrible because I know he really likes me, I think I cant see us taking it to another level because he is a different nationality/religion than i am. I know that shouldnt matter, but I am very into my culture and religious so i feel there is a gap between us. We will never connect on that level because we have different interests and values. I want to be with someone who is the same nationality as me. But i dont think I could ever tell him that to his face because I know it would hurt him.
I dont know if i should end it? Afterall I have told him since the begining that I do not want a relationship, and I dont want him to get hurt. I dont see this ending on good terms, that may be whats holding me back from ending this.. knowing we wont be the same.
advice? And I just want to say This site is so great, I want to be a psych major so I can help and get inside other peoples heads, its just impossible to get inside my own! hehe, but I am usually great at making the right decisions, its the first time i just dont know what to do!
Thanks
Kiki
My question is under the same vein as Alyson's.
I recently hooked with an old friend of mine; we met 5 years ago and have never lived in the same city, but hang out whenever opportunity arose (eg, once a year). Emailed in spurts, occasionally, and at Christmas '09 went to a movie and drove around for a few hours, he later subtly implied he regretted not trying something. We've never been romantic up until this point.
We're now going to the same college a few years apart and have texted a few times; he came when I asked him last minute to a concert of mine, and we were going to watch movies at his place when I got an emergency. Then two days ago I Facebooked him about hanging out during spring break, and he told me to text him. We made plans, stuck to them; hung out with his roommates and played video games but when we watched a movie he pet my hair and held my had, etc, the cuteness. And we ended upstairs in his room and yes, alcohol was involved, although he assured it wasn't relevant. And I told him I couldn't be a one night stand, and he was fine with it and we fell asleep after fooling around, and he set an alarm for us so I could get to my class the next day.
Well I woke up early and bolted.
I guess I was just unsure how to behave in the morning, so I called and left a voicemail two days later saying thanks for having me and sorry for leaving without waking him, but didn't want to bother him.
Maybe it's just that I've crushed on this boy since I was thirteen, but is there a chance something is finally coming together for us or was I just opportune? I realized I invited him to all three of the most recent get togethers, but he was more than enthusiastic to comply and extend, and was the one who cuddled and kissed me. And I want to assume he's not into me because he's not calling but he's just not a techie guy. He takes hours to respond to text messages because he never checks his phone, he updates Facebook like twice a month, and I have never actually caught him on the phone, though he's been good about calling back. Just never calling first.
So should I be expecting his behavior to change now that our dynamic has or am I just getting my hopes up?
Thanks! hopefully you have some insightful advice for me as you do all these other lucky/unlucky ladies in love.
~~Mel
Of course there's a chance that something is finally happening for you two! Having said that, his behavior could reflect that he is really into you, or it could reflect that he's just having a little fun.
I don't accept the idea that he's not calling b/c he's not techie. If he wants to reach you, he will find a way, it really isn't that difficult. All you can do for now is stop being the one to initiate contact. It's confusing you, because you don't know if he's into it. The only way to learn that is let him do the pursuing. If he flakes, you will have at least gotten the message early and will not waste any more time.
I know your hopes are up, but you can't control this. Take a deep breath and be patient. I think you'll have a clearer idea soon.