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How to Keep Your Long-Distance Relationship Smoking Hot

Phone Sex Before the iphone

Phone Sex Before the iphone

One of the reasons that young people prefer to hook up casually is that they are hesitant to get emotionally invested in a relationship with an expiration date on it. The school year ends, people study abroad, job offers come from different cities, as do acceptances to graduate school. Most people can expect to be fairly mobile until their mid-20s. Not surprisingly, that’s when dating is most likely to occur, as the idea of finding “the one” begins to take hold.

(Photo by joelogon via Flickr Creative Commons)

In the meantime, though, what if you fall for someone? It might not be practical, but sometimes romance does happen in spite of everyone’s best efforts not to catch feelings. Or maybe you desire a level of emotional intimacy that casual hooking up just doesn’t offer. That’s a good thing. You need practice at relationships. The person you are into this summer may not have babies with you, but there’s still a lot you can learn and enjoy from each other. You’re both into it, you go for it, D-day arrives. What next?

Sometimes couples decide to try and keep it going, knowing the pitfalls. Relationships are hard work, and long-distance relationships take a special kind of effort. If you get lazy and stop working on them, they die. Occasionally, they just fade away and no one gets crushed. More often, though, they die a hideous death as one or both partners mourn the end of something that could have been great if only they lived nearer one another.

How can you succeed in a long-distance relationship? It helps a lot if the separation is finite – you know you will (or could) live in the same place at some future date. If you do decide to try and make it work, there are key strategies that are fairly obvious:

  • open and frequent communication
  • honesty
  • trust
  • sharing information about your separate lives
  • visiting whenever possible

The secret to a great long-distance relationship is great sex. That means tech sex.

I once heard a guy complain that he didn’t think it would work because he had “needs.” Who doesn’t? What do you think your right hand is for?  Hand + phone = good sex, at least theoretically. When I was growing up, all we had were phones (not even cordless) with heavy handsets. Nowadays you younguns have all kinds of incredible technology available to you, and you can have a pretty decent sex life with someone even if you live halfway around the world. A relationship can’t thrive forever on long-distance sex, but it can go a long way in between real visits. The hardest part sometimes is beginning. It can feel a little intimidating getting started, but it is very rewarding, so stick with it. Sometimes long-distance sex is even more awesome because you take risks and let yourself go in a way that you might not when you are together face-to-face.

Instant Messaging

  • Good way to dip your toe in the pool, but lacks the immediacy of verbal/audio communication.

Cell Phone

Skype Sex

  • This is the biggie, as far as I’m concerned. Talk dirty face to face. Use the webcam and your imagination to turn your partner (and yourself) on.

Synching Up Porn

  • You can find porn that is relationship-oriented, appealing to both men and women. Watch it on your laptops at the same time while on your cell phones.

Internet Sex Toys

  • Sounds like the technology has a way to go here, but there are devices that communicate through software online.
  • The most popular combination is the Interactive Fleshlight for him and the Sinulator (rabbit vibrator) for her. When he manipulates the Fleshlight, she feels it in her vibrator. It currently requires interacting with a goofy dashboard on your computer, but the whole field of teledildonics (ridiculous word, I know) is growing rapidly.

Obviously, none of these approaches are limited to long-distance couples. If it intrigues you, try it out.

I would be remiss if I didn’t offer a word of warning here. Remember, Google is forever. It’s very common for women to be filmed with their consent for private use, and then for the film to be uploaded to the internet without their knowledge. Even someone you know extremely well may be capable of betraying your privacy at some future date. Personally, I would recommend keeping your face out of any really sexy videos or photos. Even if it’s anonymous online, all it takes it for one person to recognize you and tag it. Search engines will then find it whenever your name is Googled. Just ask Leighton Meester, whose tape of her giving her ex a “foot job” has been leaked and sold for online display. And check out this New York Times story about someone discovering a clueless friend on an amateur porn site.

So be careful, but have fun!

  • http://singlutionary.com/ Singlutionary

    I think that good internet sex is far more fun than real life sex! Well, not really. But I do enjoy it. If I get bored I can just pretend that the connection failed. Haha. I guess that if I'm bored, the connection DID fail!

  • susanawalsh

    If you get bored during online sex, you need a better partner! I agree that it can be super hot, and I also think it can improve sex life overall, even for couples who see each other regularly.

    • Poly Desi LOL

      “If you get bored during online sex, you need a better partner!”

      Wow Susan. You mean if your partner is not good at online sex, you should dump them for someone who is, despite having a genuine “real life” relationship with them??? Just because they are not good at or don’t like online sex?

  • Kailie Carter

    ''how to keep your long distance relationship smokin hot'' I don't think its possible..i mean of course there are ways to keep it going but if theres no end in sight or resolution on the horizon ALL long distance relationships fizzle out no matter how in love you are its just the way things go. No matter how in love both peeps are,as time goes on its so much easier to have a gf or a bf thats easy to see whenever you want to.Im speaking from experience,been there,done that,never again..I'd love to hear other peoples views who've been there though..holler.

  • susanawalsh

    Hi Kailie, it is true that when there is no end in sight, a long-distance relationship feels like prolonging the inevitable, and is actually really stressful. Strategies for making LDRs work are much more applicable to situations where the separation is finite, as I state above. When two people are really into each other though, and would stay together if they could, is it realistic to expect them to quit when one of them moves? That's asking a lot, even if they know the odds of making it work over time are slim. Interestingly, there is recent research that shows that LDRs are as stable over time as other relationships. That surprises me. It includes all LDRs, including married ones, for all ages, so maybe that affects the results. I want to find out more about that, and how they work for those couples.

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  • poppi3

    My experience with long distance relationships has been both wonderful and terrible. The longing when separated can be agonizing, just as the times together can be exquisite. It certainly works out better when there is a time certain when the separation will end with togetherness. This happened to me when the separation was forced by military duty and ended after six months, in Paris, in June. What a heady, romantic, sexy reunion that was, leading to a long relationship. Another time, however, a relationship went on over a year in which we saw each other only three times. When we got together it was great, but when we got together only by phone or letter (yeah, in the old days we had the Post Office. Nobody uses that anymore) every pause or “maybe” left me wondering about what was really going on. I'm a romantic, however, and a little agony is creative, I think. That relationship didn't work out, but I have wonderful memories. My life was enriched. I'd do it again.

  • susanawalsh

    Hey, poppi3, it's true, a defined end date makes all the difference in a LDR. I also love what you say about a little agony being creative. I agree! Agony has been the creative force behind many brilliant works of art. Pain and struggle also teach us a great deal about ourselves and the world around us. Suffering isn't fun, but it can be very useful. When my kids complain about how their lives are not going perfectly, I remind them that they are fortunate to have grown up in the U.S. at this time in history. In Middle Ages France life was hard all the time, and you were dead by 40.

    I don't think you can experience ecstasy if you've never experienced agony.

  • poppi3

    I have some further thoughts on LDRs, as you call them. They are not uncommon in history. Think of all the seamen's wives a century or so ago. Think of Abagail Adams, wife of President John, who never went to Washington. For many people they were an ordinary part of life. I think this discussion centers around people who have a new sudden love who for some reason they can't see as often as they want. I went through that, and it was an emotional roller coaster. Absolutely. But why? I was fine before I met her, then agonized after I met her but couldn't see her. The problem, I think, turns around affirmation. She found things in me to appreciate that others didn't. She made me feel special. I became addicted to that. And I made her feel special, too. It is a mutual thing. There may be good sex involved, but that is not what holds people together. At that time I was recently divorced and needed some pumping up. I didn't lack for good friends, but she filled a special need. It is really tough to fill that special need long distance. If you really want to give a LDR a chance, I think you have to find a way to fill that special need yourself. You have to want the other person but not need them. I needed affirmation as a person, as a loving person. It may be a crutch, but I found it in a book on personal affirmations, part of the think positive school of thought. The LDR didn't work out, but I treasure the experience, and she and I are still friends. We both found people closer to home, people who somewhat differently still gave us the affirmation we wanted.

  • susanawalsh

    I think it's true that affirmation is very powerful. When we find someone who makes us feel better about ourselves, it is very easy to become dependent on that. Suddenly, there's someone telling you that you're good looking, and sexy, and smart, etc. Who can resist that? Long distance is painful because that source of affirmation is unavailable. And like you said earlier, the reunions can be pretty amazing. I think a huge part of falling in love is seeing ourselves reflected by someone else.

  • voip_usb_internet_phone

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  • Anonymous

    My fiance is in the military and stationed 700 miles away. Our relationship is actually strengthed by the distance. We talk every chance we get, and almost never fight. We understand now that arguing over silly things just wastes time. The spark never goes away. When we see each other for the first time in a while it’s like the first time we ever got naked together. Lol. I think that without this renewal of emotions our relationship would get stale and boring. With today’s technology the only thing missing from a long distance relationship is the actual physical contact. That’s why I read this article, to try to find some ways to give him sexual gratification from where I am. Lack of sex is definitely the only problem our relatonship suffers from, and now I know some things to try to fix that. =)

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com susanawalsh

      Anonymous, that’s great, but I have to ask – What will you do when he returns to keep your relationship from getting boring?

  • Gia

    This article really is helping me cope with my long distance relationship… I started talking to a guy who lives at another state… The funny thig is that we were facebook friends for a year and never expressed how we liked each other. We started commenting each others walls and then started talking about music… as time went by we started private messaging each other until we finally exchanged numbers. Then the whole texting started and then phone conversations “Have a beautiful say my beautiful exotic future of mine” these messages started giving me butterflies… Until we started talking more deep. It’s been 3 months since we started telling each other about our feelings and barely seen each other and been intimate only once. I tried the whole phone sex. Of course i cannot wait till I see him again, but i definitely think it’s essential in a relationship. It was my first time doing this and i love it! He does too. To spice up our relationship I make him videos of me dancing wearing sexy lingerie and he tells me he cannot wait until he sees me again. Well back to the phone sex, it just happened and we are both enjoying it. So to the point we cannot wait to see each other and spend some real time together. He is working on moving to where I am at, but most likely be 5 hours away from me. I can deal with that better that 3 states away. I loved this topic and thank you for sharing your thoughts on an issue perhaps few people don’t really like to talk about. I cannot wait to see my Sgt.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Gia, welcome and thanks for leaving a comment. I wish you the best of luck with your guy!

  • honey

    me and my ldr bf have cybersex, phonesex, internet sex all the time.. almost everyday. we send erotic pix of us.. wad a tease they are, i even created an erotic comic featuring me in it..we also talked abt porn and dicuss our fantasies. however i do get a lil depresses sometimes tt im nt able to make love to him. we only meet every 6 mths.. so by the 6th month real sex is like WHOA. i love my bf. =)

  • Anonymous

    That’s seems like craziness to me!!! LOL
    I’ve never had cyber/phone/internet sex – it just sounds so fake! I guess, I gotta be more open minded, but I wouldn’t send naked photos of myself over the internet. No way.

    -Florence

  • Stephenie Rowling

    Oh I never read this before.
    But I did all this when I was dating my hubby. I uploaded private sexy videos and we had cybersex and all that. I never sent him nude pics tough. Didn’t had a digital camera with enough pixels and taking them to a lab, even if it was the machine? NO WAY!

    Of course at that point I knew I could trust him, we already meet and were talking about marriage so I knew he was not going to out me.
    Still is better to be safe than sorry. Great advice.

  • sheebia

    What reliable website or store can I find the interactive fleshlight & dildo?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @sheebia
      I’m pretty sure fleshlight has its own site. Just google and see, it should be easily available.

  • Anonymous

    I’m wondering about my LDR because there are a lot of complications in it… We have an age difference that causes legal problems in our states as well as being far away (of course, I think one state’s difference is better than some have it). To our mutual friends and some others its obvious we have feelings for each other (someone even swore we’d be married in a few years!), but I am worried. We have only been together once (when we met in May) and won’t see each other again until January. I don’t have much dating experience because I was always way too far ahead of those my age, so I don’t know what to expect. I love playing games and sending naughty, flirty texts with him and I ache to have him with me and in my physical life. He seems genuinely interested in me and is always waiting for my next phone call…and he is very responsive to the things I talk about and wants to know how I’m feeling and what I’m doing. We haven’t had sex yet (haven’t even has the chance!), but I feel more and more as time goes on that I really want it to be him (I’m a virgin) because I know that whether we end up together or not, he won’t use it to hurt me.

    The reason I say all this is because I am practical and reasonable and want to hear the thoughts of others before I make big decisions. Am I being naïve? Should I really worry about the legality of the matter? If it helps, I am 16 and he is 20. (I put this at the end because I was hoping to avoid the blanket statements “He’s too old!” and “You’re too young!” I believe that every situation is special, so I would hope that I could least have some thoughtful responses.

  • Becca

    There have been more then a few times I wanted to give up on my LDR. We’re both in college, and we live about 7 hours away. Not that bad, except for that neither of us have cars at this time. (College costing money… Who knew?) So, for most of the year we’re limited to occasional visits. We’ve been together for almost three years now, and I’m very happy with him and our relationship. (Only the last year has been long distance.) I don’t believe in ‘the one’ or fatalism in general, but he is and always will be very special to me. I try not to look too far into the future, because I know that where we end up during/ after college could complicate things. I try to concentrate more on the fact that he’s a great guy, and I love him.

    There are several reasons I like the distance. The first is that it helps me grow as an even more independent young women, while still thriving in an emotionally fulfilling relationship. It motivates me to keep really busy during the school year, busting my butt and all that good stuff.  The other is that it makes me really appreciate the time we do spend together. We still fight occasionally, as neither of us are infallible, but not often.

    My complaints? Not enough sex. But the sex we do have after long breaks is great. Not better than having him here for regular sex, but well worth the plane/ bus/ carpool money we spend on my visits. I’ve tried many of the methods mentioned in this article with him, and they are fun… Our only problem is fitting them into both of our schedules, which is very difficult considering he’s a science major and I’m a full time student with a job. But this problem would occur to some extent even if we were in the same zip code. (I do admit, probably less, considering we could do homework together, and we would have to finish our homework sometime…) So, in a way, my LDR is almost a benefit in this way as well. When he’s here and I’m in school (I start weeks before him), I don’t have any time to myself between school, friends, work, and him. While I would never want to choose between these things, this choice is forcibly made for me a few weeks into every school year. (To quell some worries that may arise, we still talk a lot, and I would never break up with him over the amount of my schoolwork.)

    What I’m trying to say with this long-winded comment, is that LDRs are not necessarily a bad choice for college students. Being away from my boyfriend allows me time to be my own person and accomplish my seasonal responsibilities, while still being in a loving, awesome relationship.

    This was mostly a response to the opening paragraph of this very helpful article.

    Oh, and don’t get me wrong, I would much rather have my boyfriend here.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Becca
      Thanks for your comment! I am so glad it’s working well. LDRs really can be very good for focusing on academics!

  • Tsunami forever

    I’m glad I’m not the only one in a long distance relationship, but in fact there are many in the same situation. I was the first one standing against LDRs but it happened to me and wow it was such a wake-up call, never thought I will be in LDR. My bf and I live in different countries, I live inAmerica and he lives in Europe but we are already planning to move in together because it’s hard to be separate any longer, or I will be the one moving to his country. My only concern is that I don’t know anybody there nor have any friends. But I’m willing to take the risk because I am sick of missing him. In the meantime, he have phone conversations I don’t know whether to call it phone sex but we do say naughty words. I wonder what fleshlight and sinulator are?

  • Kim

    Building a new relationship is a whole lot harder than maintaining an existing one. The easiest one to weather is the temporary stuff if you’re committed to the relationship you just have to figure out a way to survive the difficult months. There are different kinds of relationships across the miles and miles and they require different things. When my husben leaves for weeks or months and a time. I love to visit captaincupid.com you’ll learn from others, share your experiences and re-discover sex. They offer online shopping you can trust, a welcoming community and a wealth of inspiring resources. They celebrate the fact that sexuality can be expressed in many ways.

  • Shaq

    I met this girl through facebook one year ago. She lives in Singapore, me in Canada and so we’re about 7000 miles apart. She’s 18 and I’m 19 years old. We started off flirting and talking a lot, then moved on to skype a few weeks after knowing each other. I reallly started to like her & I don’t know why I didn’t stop my feelings becuz I knew we would never be able to live together.
    A few months later we got really intimate and had sex over skype everyday, sometimes more than once a day. We fell in love and I was (still am) crazy about her. About 6 months after knowing her, I saved up the money to visit her for 2 weeks. We had an amazing time together and I fell even more insanely in love with her. This was bad, and leaving was really hard.

    After that, we slowly started having sex less, and less. Every time we don’t have sex for more than 2 days, I get irritable and frustrated at myself. I love pleasing her and making her happy and knowing that she’s turning more towards porn just kills me though it shouldn’t. I need to get rid of this feeling that I always need to please her to make myself happy. We’ve been together for a year and I know she loves me and we do still have sex every couple days but it’s never enough for me and I keep running out of ideas on how to turn her on…
    But rather than coming up with ideas on how to turn her on I need to get rid of this feeling of being so dependent on her to make me happy in that way. I know that being dependent like that would drive her away so I try my best to not push her. And I don’t think I do. But I can’t sit around being a little cry baby just cuz I haven’t had sex with her for 3 days. This is stupid and I feel immature and silly. So my question is how do I get more confident, secure, and less dependent.
    Any help would be greatly appreciated.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Shaq

      It’s really, really tough to sustain a long-distance relationship when there’s no end in sight. At some point, one or both parties are going to wonder what the point is. Or one of you is going to meet someone else who is right there, to touch for real. I understand that you have strong feelings, but if there is truly no possibility that you can ever be together, then I urge you to find someone nearby who can fulfill those same desires and needs.

  • RUTH MORAA

    Thank `s now l have learned how to keep my long distance relation, now it is fine

  • Anon

    I am in love with i person i met online. we plan to meet in 6 months. we have been talking everyday for almost 6 months . once a week we see each other on camera. the problem for me is i miss intimacy. i promissed him i will wait and he also. but he has never been intimate with a woman before because of his religion and does not believe in sex before marriage. he is a wonderful guy and we have great time talking about so many different things. i am sometimes scared that this relationship will not work out because we will become more like friends than lovers without the intimate part. any suggetions?

  • sweetie

    My boyfriend & I had a great relationship. We got intimate not very long after we started dating. We were both virgins & had the best time ever. We started having sex everyday & it was good ! Great actually ! Then he had to move away. He lives 7000 miles away from me & we have had phone sex & its great but lately all we ever do is fight but he makes it very clear that he loves me & doesn’t want to let go. I don’t feel the spark in our relationship anymore but I love him too much to let go. What should I do ?