How to Keep Your Long-Distance Relationship Smoking Hot
Phone Sex Before the iphone
One of the reasons that young people prefer to hook up casually is that they are hesitant to get emotionally invested in a relationship with an expiration date on it. The school year ends, people study abroad, job offers come from different cities, as do acceptances to graduate school. Most people can expect to be fairly mobile until their mid-20s. Not surprisingly, that’s when dating is most likely to occur, as the idea of finding “the one” begins to take hold.
(Photo by joelogon via Flickr Creative Commons)
In the meantime, though, what if you fall for someone? It might not be practical, but sometimes romance does happen in spite of everyone’s best efforts not to catch feelings. Or maybe you desire a level of emotional intimacy that casual hooking up just doesn’t offer. That’s a good thing. You need practice at relationships. The person you are into this summer may not have babies with you, but there’s still a lot you can learn and enjoy from each other. You’re both into it, you go for it, D-day arrives. What next?
Sometimes couples decide to try and keep it going, knowing the pitfalls. Relationships are hard work, and long-distance relationships take a special kind of effort. If you get lazy and stop working on them, they die. Occasionally, they just fade away and no one gets crushed. More often, though, they die a hideous death as one or both partners mourn the end of something that could have been great if only they lived nearer one another.
How can you succeed in a long-distance relationship? It helps a lot if the separation is finite – you know you will (or could) live in the same place at some future date. If you do decide to try and make it work, there are key strategies that are fairly obvious:
- open and frequent communication
- honesty
- trust
- sharing information about your separate lives
- visiting whenever possible
The secret to a great long-distance relationship is great sex. That means tech sex.
I once heard a guy complain that he didn’t think it would work because he had “needs.” Who doesn’t? What do you think your right hand is for? Hand + phone = good sex, at least theoretically. When I was growing up, all we had were phones (not even cordless) with heavy handsets. Nowadays you younguns have all kinds of incredible technology available to you, and you can have a pretty decent sex life with someone even if you live halfway around the world. A relationship can’t thrive forever on long-distance sex, but it can go a long way in between real visits. The hardest part sometimes is beginning. It can feel a little intimidating getting started, but it is very rewarding, so stick with it. Sometimes long-distance sex is even more awesome because you take risks and let yourself go in a way that you might not when you are together face-to-face.
Instant Messaging
- Good way to dip your toe in the pool, but lacks the immediacy of verbal/audio communication.
Cell Phone
- Debby Herbenick, blogger at MySexProfessor.com has a great article on how to have great phone sex. She also has a recent post on how the new iphone 3GS will revolutionize phone sex.
- Send photos. You can send a progression of pics in real time as you get aroused, and of course they can be viewed again later when you’re not in touch.
- Dirty texting. Always fun, especially at times when it’s not safe! This is a great way to build anticipation for later.
- Vibrator. There’s a new iphone app from pleasure.com that turns the iphone into a vibrator. The vibrations are not very strong, but the developers’ intent is that you’ll use it slyly while on the subway, in line at Starbucks, etc. (Seriously, this might require an ample supply of Purell, ew.)
Skype Sex
- This is the biggie, as far as I’m concerned. Talk dirty face to face. Use the webcam and your imagination to turn your partner (and yourself) on.
Synching Up Porn
- You can find porn that is relationship-oriented, appealing to both men and women. Watch it on your laptops at the same time while on your cell phones.
Internet Sex Toys
- Sounds like the technology has a way to go here, but there are devices that communicate through software online.
- The most popular combination is the Interactive Fleshlight for him and the Sinulator (rabbit vibrator) for her. When he manipulates the Fleshlight, she feels it in her vibrator. It currently requires interacting with a goofy dashboard on your computer, but the whole field of teledildonics (ridiculous word, I know) is growing rapidly.
Obviously, none of these approaches are limited to long-distance couples. If it intrigues you, try it out.
I would be remiss if I didn’t offer a word of warning here. Remember, Google is forever. It’s very common for women to be filmed with their consent for private use, and then for the film to be uploaded to the internet without their knowledge. Even someone you know extremely well may be capable of betraying your privacy at some future date. Personally, I would recommend keeping your face out of any really sexy videos or photos. Even if it’s anonymous online, all it takes it for one person to recognize you and tag it. Search engines will then find it whenever your name is Googled. Just ask Leighton Meester, whose tape of her giving her ex a “foot job” has been leaked and sold for online display. And check out this New York Times story about someone discovering a clueless friend on an amateur porn site.
So be careful, but have fun!
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I think that good internet sex is far more fun than real life sex! Well, not really. But I do enjoy it. If I get bored I can just pretend that the connection failed. Haha. I guess that if I'm bored, the connection DID fail!
If you get bored during online sex, you need a better partner! I agree that it can be super hot, and I also think it can improve sex life overall, even for couples who see each other regularly.
''how to keep your long distance relationship smokin hot'' I don't think its possible..i mean of course there are ways to keep it going but if theres no end in sight or resolution on the horizon ALL long distance relationships fizzle out no matter how in love you are its just the way things go. No matter how in love both peeps are,as time goes on its so much easier to have a gf or a bf thats easy to see whenever you want to.Im speaking from experience,been there,done that,never again..I'd love to hear other peoples views who've been there though..holler.
Hi Kailie, it is true that when there is no end in sight, a long-distance relationship feels like prolonging the inevitable, and is actually really stressful. Strategies for making LDRs work are much more applicable to situations where the separation is finite, as I state above. When two people are really into each other though, and would stay together if they could, is it realistic to expect them to quit when one of them moves? That's asking a lot, even if they know the odds of making it work over time are slim. Interestingly, there is recent research that shows that LDRs are as stable over time as other relationships. That surprises me. It includes all LDRs, including married ones, for all ages, so maybe that affects the results. I want to find out more about that, and how they work for those couples.
wow lots of good information great
My experience with long distance relationships has been both wonderful and terrible. The longing when separated can be agonizing, just as the times together can be exquisite. It certainly works out better when there is a time certain when the separation will end with togetherness. This happened to me when the separation was forced by military duty and ended after six months, in Paris, in June. What a heady, romantic, sexy reunion that was, leading to a long relationship. Another time, however, a relationship went on over a year in which we saw each other only three times. When we got together it was great, but when we got together only by phone or letter (yeah, in the old days we had the Post Office. Nobody uses that anymore) every pause or “maybe” left me wondering about what was really going on. I'm a romantic, however, and a little agony is creative, I think. That relationship didn't work out, but I have wonderful memories. My life was enriched. I'd do it again.
Hey, poppi3, it's true, a defined end date makes all the difference in a LDR. I also love what you say about a little agony being creative. I agree! Agony has been the creative force behind many brilliant works of art. Pain and struggle also teach us a great deal about ourselves and the world around us. Suffering isn't fun, but it can be very useful. When my kids complain about how their lives are not going perfectly, I remind them that they are fortunate to have grown up in the U.S. at this time in history. In Middle Ages France life was hard all the time, and you were dead by 40.
I don't think you can experience ecstasy if you've never experienced agony.
I have some further thoughts on LDRs, as you call them. They are not uncommon in history. Think of all the seamen's wives a century or so ago. Think of Abagail Adams, wife of President John, who never went to Washington. For many people they were an ordinary part of life. I think this discussion centers around people who have a new sudden love who for some reason they can't see as often as they want. I went through that, and it was an emotional roller coaster. Absolutely. But why? I was fine before I met her, then agonized after I met her but couldn't see her. The problem, I think, turns around affirmation. She found things in me to appreciate that others didn't. She made me feel special. I became addicted to that. And I made her feel special, too. It is a mutual thing. There may be good sex involved, but that is not what holds people together. At that time I was recently divorced and needed some pumping up. I didn't lack for good friends, but she filled a special need. It is really tough to fill that special need long distance. If you really want to give a LDR a chance, I think you have to find a way to fill that special need yourself. You have to want the other person but not need them. I needed affirmation as a person, as a loving person. It may be a crutch, but I found it in a book on personal affirmations, part of the think positive school of thought. The LDR didn't work out, but I treasure the experience, and she and I are still friends. We both found people closer to home, people who somewhat differently still gave us the affirmation we wanted.
I think it's true that affirmation is very powerful. When we find someone who makes us feel better about ourselves, it is very easy to become dependent on that. Suddenly, there's someone telling you that you're good looking, and sexy, and smart, etc. Who can resist that? Long distance is painful because that source of affirmation is unavailable. And like you said earlier, the reunions can be pretty amazing. I think a huge part of falling in love is seeing ourselves reflected by someone else.
Bravo, Bros! keep going like this, more good info again.
Bravo, Bros! keep going like this, more good info again.
My fiance is in the military and stationed 700 miles away. Our relationship is actually strengthed by the distance. We talk every chance we get, and almost never fight. We understand now that arguing over silly things just wastes time. The spark never goes away. When we see each other for the first time in a while it’s like the first time we ever got naked together. Lol. I think that without this renewal of emotions our relationship would get stale and boring. With today’s technology the only thing missing from a long distance relationship is the actual physical contact. That’s why I read this article, to try to find some ways to give him sexual gratification from where I am. Lack of sex is definitely the only problem our relatonship suffers from, and now I know some things to try to fix that. =)
Anonymous, that’s great, but I have to ask – What will you do when he returns to keep your relationship from getting boring?
“If you get bored during online sex, you need a better partner!”
Wow Susan. You mean if your partner is not good at online sex, you should dump them for someone who is, despite having a genuine “real life” relationship with them??? Just because they are not good at or don’t like online sex?