A Crash Course in Relationships

David Cain has a blog called Raptitude. He describes it as “the gentle art of sanity amidst civilization,” and invites you to have a look around by saying, “Raptitude is a blog for helping each other to enjoy being human. If you are a human, I’m sure you’ll find something you like.” I can get behind that. He recently tweeted his new blog post, and I really, really liked it:

88 Important Truths I’ve Learned About Life

The entire list is well worth reading, but I’ve taken out the 17 truths most relevant to relationships and listed them below, along with my commentary.

1. You can’t change other people, and it’s rude to try.

I accept that you can’t change other people, so make sure you really like a person the way they are before you start spending your youth and beauty on them. I never thought about the second part of this, though. Is it rude to try and change someone? Perhaps–it is certainly presumptuous. Liking an idealized version of someone is unfair to ourselves, but it’s also unfair to them. Hold out for someone who doesn’t need reshaping.

10. Whenever you’re worried about what others will think of you, you’re really just worried about what you’ll think of you.

So true! If you feel good about the choices you are making, if you are being true to yourself by following your heart and your instincts, then any criticism from others will roll right off your back. When you are worried about how you are perceived by others, it’s because you know deep down that something’s off, and you are afraid others will discover it and call you out.

11. Every problem you have is your responsibility, regardless of who caused it.

Life is hard. Shitty stuff is going to happen to you. You can’t control external events, you can only control your response to them. Don’t play the victim. Implement the best strategy you can for coping with a problem and make peace with your inability to make everything perfect.

14. Managing one’s wants is the most powerful skill a person can learn.

And having a few shots will disappear that skill faster than you can say tequila. Most of the regrets I hear about are born of drunken stupidity. If you know you’ll be drinking, plan accordingly. Alert your friends to watch over you and prevent you from making ridiculous moves. Take any potentially harmful numbers out of your phone. Better yet, put your phone on silent and give it to a friend for safekeeping. Any phone communication after 1 a.m. is usually headed nowhere good.

25. Putting something off makes it instantly harder and scarier.

Asking someone about their intentions is super awkward the first time you are together. It’s also a whole lot more awkward and painful after you’ve been hooking up for a while. State clearly from the beginning what you expect from another person. If you’re looking at a dead end, you’re better off realizing that before you turn down that street.

30. The most common addiction in the world is the draw of comfort.  It wrecks dreams and breaks people.

Are you killing time in a so-so relationship? Having a significant other is comfortable. You’ve got built-in plans, friends, a date for any function you need to attend. Being single can be inconvenient and discouraging. Here’s the thing, though–being single leaves you open to discovering and developing a potentially awesome relationship. Killing time staying comfortable with Mr. OK is lame and pathetic (harsh, I know).

31. If what you’re doing feels perfectly safe, there is probably a better course of action.

I’m a big believer in big changes. My life has been made better and more interesting every time I have risked a major change. Move. Get a new job. Go back to school. Dump whatever baggage is slowing you down, especially if that’s a person! The best highs always follow taking a risk.

39. Self-examination is the only path out of misery.

Did someone break your heart? What an asshole. But guess what? You participated. You did. You need to reflect on your role in any situation that is making you miserable. That’s your insurance that you will only have to go through this once.

47. If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship.

True story. It’s also true that if someone else is unhappy, it’s impossible for them to make you happy. Unhappiness is contagious. It drags us down and makes life hard. If you love someone, and they become unhappy, you need to support them in every way you know how. But if you meet someone who’s already crying the blues, you need to run 60 mph in the other direction. Don’t get sucked into thinking you can be the cure. Unhappy people are selfish. They have to be to get through it.

51. “Gut feeling” is not just a euphemism.  Tension in the abdomen speaks volumes about how you truly feel about something, beyond all arguments and rationales.

I have made major life decisions that were counterintuitive and surprised the people that knew me best. Because I had a “gut feeling”, a hunch. Every one of those choices turned out to be right. We know so much more than we think we do. Trust your own judgment. If you screw up, you can come crying to me and I’ll sympathize and support you.

52. Posture and dress change profoundly how you feel about yourself and others feel about you, like it or not.

Self-confidence is one of the main components of charisma. The other is empathy. Stand tall and look your best. That will go a long way toward helping you fake it ’till you make it.

64. Words are immensely powerful.  One cruel remark can wound someone for life.

Speaking in the heat of the moment is always risky. Add alcohol to that, and you’re in deep trouble. You are 100% responsible for everything you say and do while drunk. Beer emotions count, and so do drunken rants. Yeah, you were drunk. But it was still YOU who said those things. Take care with your words.

65. It’s easy to make someone’s day just by being uncommonly pleasant to them.

Or flirting with them! I try to do this all the time, because I’ve learned that when I go out of my way to communicate with someone, and they respond, I feel good. They probably do too, but I’m always surprised how giving something away, however small, gives me a boost.

70. Nothing — ever — happens exactly like you pictured it.

Two things true in life: Everything changes. You will be surprised.

Don’t prepare too much in advance, because all your strategies will require adaptation. We all know how this works with conversations–we rehearse the whole script ahead of time, and then the other person says all the wrong lines!

76. Sometimes you have to remove certain people from your life, even if they’re family.

I believe that a clean break is ALWAYS best. Trying to be friends after a breakup is damned near impossible, in my experience. If you feel you HAVE to try it, wait a few months first. But really, it’s best to move on. You can be civil without being friends.

81. Life is a solo trip, but you’ll have lots of visitors.  Some of them are long-term, most aren’t.

I have one very close friend from my childhood. I’m not even in touch with a couple of my bridesmaids. That’s just the way life goes. You are in love today, but trust me, in 25 years you’ll Google that guy, and he will be overweight and wearing a headband with devil’s horns (this happened to me recently, I’m devastated)!

86. Wishing things were different is a great way to torture yourself.

If you can realistically take action to make something better, you must do so. But most of the time we need to just let go. We stew in our own stubborn refusal to give up on someone, even when we know that the other person just doesn’t care that much. You don’t have the power to make them miserable, but you have unlimited power to make yourself miserable. So unfair! Use that emotional intensity to stand up and fight another day.

Do any of these resonate for you? What’s your favorite wisdom about relationships?

Related posts:

1. The Girls’ Kickass Guide to Getting Over a Breakup
2. 5 Ways to Get More Control of Your Relationships
3. Integrity: The Cure for Emotional Whiplash
4. Are You Dating a Narcissist?
5. How to Stimulate Demand in a Relationship Recession

Tags: alcohol, awkward, beer emotions, communication, date, drunk, emotions, ex, flirt, friend, guy, love, open, plan, regret, relationship, relationships, self-confidence, strategies, strategy, support, trust, youth and beauty