Are You Dating a Narcissist?
Caravaggio's Narcissus
Narcissus in Greek mythology is a hero, renowned for his beauty. He is exceptionally cruel, in that he disdains those who love him. As divine punishment he falls in love with a reflection in a pool, not realizing it is his own, and perishes there, not being able to leave the beauty of his own reflection.
In The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement by Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell, narcissism is defined as a very positive and inflated view of the self. Twenge and Campbell make the argument that narcissism is rampant, causing depression and loneliness as it spreads throughout our culture. I’ll reserve judgment on the question of the pervasiveness of narcissism – I know many young people, and very few meet the definition, in my view.
What I found most interesting about the book was the discussion around narcissism and dating. Most of the people you get involved with will fall far short of this full-blown personality disorder, but there are definitely people out there who have unjustifiably high self-esteem, and they are terrible relationship risks.
What is a narcissist?
- Approximately 1% of the population is narcissistic.
- 75% of narcissists are men.
- Narcissism is a psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.
- A narcissist sees his life as a movie or dramatic story in which he has the starring role. He creates a character, and assimilates the emotions of that character.
- Narcissists appear to have emotions, feelings, empathy; they cry, laugh, feel your pain, etc, but none of this is real. They don’t feel it. It’s not linked to anything internal. They’re crying at the funeral, for sure, but on the inside they’re wondering why it doesn’t hurt as much as they think it should.
- They are extremely vain.
- They are often very outgoing, with a “larger than life” personality. They are great fun in social situations, which makes them popular.
- Hurting a narcissist does not cause him to feel sadness. You can only make a narcissist feel rage.
Hooking up is perfect for narcissists:
- Since hooking up is about what you want, rather than what the other person wants, it’s the perfect sexual experience for a narcissist.
- Hookups move the focus of sexual relationships away from the whole person by emphasizing physical attractiveness.
- Because physical intimacy precedes emotional involvement, it’s difficult to scope out the emotional character of a guy before hooking up.
- Narcissists worry about “settling,” and are always on the lookout for something better. Hooking up is the perfect framework for that because no one finds it particularly unusual or troubling if a guy doesn’t want a relationship, but prefers to always be hooking up with someone new.
What are narcissists like in relationships?
- They are exciting, excelling at the fun and novel stage of a new relationship.
- They enjoy the passion of new love, but do not develop feelings of caring as the relationship progresses.
- They are all about feeding the ego; always their own, but sometimes yours too.
- They seek partners who make them look and feel powerful, special, admired, attractive, and important.
- They are indifferent to the core qualities of healthy relationships: real love, caring, commitment and loyalty.
- Narcissists exhibit the same qualities at work and among friends, but their true character is more obvious in romantic relationships, because there are fewer rules for how to behave, and because someone who has fallen for a narcissist will often put up with a great deal that others would not tolerate.
- Narcissists don’t feel guilt, based on an objective right and wrong. They feel shame, based on exposure. When they get caught, their answer is always the same: “Wait, that’s not really who I am…”
- Narcissists regard relationships as interchangeable. If you do not fuel the needed status and self-esteem, he will quickly find another relationship that is more rewarding.
- Narcissists play games:
- They are dishonest.
- They give mixed signals, running hot and cold.
- They play people against one another.
- They avoid real commitment.
Recently I wrote about the Principle of Least Interest. This is one of the narcissist’s favorite games. They continuously seek to demonstrate that they care less than the other party, thereby claiming the upper hand.
- Narcissists are unable to receive criticism of any kind, often reacting with denial and abuse, sometimes even rage. Narcissists become hostile and defensive very quickly when they feel cornered by criticism.
- Narcissists get angry and aggressive when they feel that their freedom is restricted, so pressuring them for a commitment often causes them to “flip out.”
- Narcissists can’t cope with rejection, and will avoid allowing someone else to end the relationship at all costs. Often those dating a narcissist will feel better when he refuses to let go, interpreting his desperation to stay in the relationship as a sign of real “deep down” caring. In fact, it’s about pride and ownership. Narcissists can’t tolerate someone else calling the shots, robbing them of their power.
Why do women date narcissists?
Women date narcissists for the same reasons they date jerks, frequently forcing nice guys into last place. We want it all. We want the challenge and the magic passion with a guy who has confidence, charisma and a great sense of fun. But we also want deep caring, with intimacy and commitment. Narcissists deliver big on the magic, and come up empty on the caring. They save the bad stuff for later.By the time you realize that, you’re often in pretty deep, addicted to that bad, bad boy.
Dating a narcissist is dangerous, potentially destroying your ability to have a normal relationship in future:
- People who have been burned by narcissists are understandably wary and find it difficult to trust others.
- They also lose trust in themselves, feeling stupid for not having realized his true character.
- Victims of narcissists spend a lot of time wondering how they got they way, and rehashing nearly all of their interactions to identify the warning signs they missed the first time around.
What is the best way to avoid a narcissist?
- Make an effort to identify them based on their history. Narcissists leave a trail of heartbreak, deception and unmet expectations.
- Don’t let a suspected narcissist talk his way in. They will often try to cover their insensitive and deceitful behavior by claiming that there was a miscommunication or misunderstanding. It is always the other person’s fault.
- Watch for clues. If a guy tells you, “I am a selfish person,” believe him. He’s not being self-deprecating, he’s understating what a narcissist he really is.
- Put up boundaries. Be friendly, but not friends. Do not put yourself in any situation where you need to trust them.
- Reject the temptation to become “the cure.” You cannot identify and treat the unconscious deficits in self-esteem. Narcissists rarely change, especially in relationships.
- Don’t initiate conflict. Any claims, no matter how true, will be met with defensiveness, hostility, perhaps even violence. In fact, you are actually feeding the narcissist’s needs by focusing on him. He is still the star of the show.
How can you get rid of a narcissist?
Don’t reward a narcissist by making drama. The only way to make a narcissist understand personal rejection is to convince him that he doesn’t exist in your life. Ignoring him or humiliating him by failing to give him the starring role, or any role, is the only way to cause real injury to a narcissist. It also happens to be the best way for you to move on.
The bottom line is this: It’s all about them.
A narcissist values a relationship only if he believes it makes him look and feel superior. Have you been involved with someone who has narcissistic tendencies? How did you get out?
Sources:
Twenge, Jean M., PhD and Campbell, W. Keith, PhD, The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement, New York, Free Press, 2009.
http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2008/10/psychopathy_antisocial_persona.html#more
http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2007/01/neither_is_this_is_a_narcissis.html
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/narcissist
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissus_(mythology)
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I have been reading and reading and apreciate any !!! advice.
My story has left me with disbelief and questioning who the person is. After 25 years I reconnected with a very close childhood friend while visiting my family abroad. The most intense immediate connection and incredible feelings being in his space. He shared his unhappy marriage story and as he met me restarted a divorce… our relationship was not based on the physical altho somehow every boundary was erased and I trusted implicitly. He continued to contact me abroad evry day saying Im the love of his life and was moving forward with a divorce… and wanted me to move to be with him . I felt the exact feelings and was so grateful !!! that I had met one in a million – the love songs and beautiful letters and calls reassured me …and I had no doubt. I never questioned the divorce and was watching wanting him to do it for hmself giving no guarantees as i needed him to get divorced for himself not for me …. after 5 months of constant contact – in which time he had flown and met my mum and told her and evryone that he wanted to marry me and had met the ONE , i asked about the divorce to hear it had been pt on hold at which stagei cried and asked him not to contact me until he was divorced or geting divorced or i would reach out once my heart had healed. i truly felt this was the man i was going to spend my life with and to get G-Ds blessings was not prepared to commit adulry … For 7 months I did not respond to him yet he still reached out assuring me of his love… I decided I had to see him again and after 7 months let him know I was going to be coming abroad to see my family and needed to see him . I prepared myself for any outcome and was prepared to meet his wife if he had not restarted the process as that would have put it all into perspective for me and kept it honest. Immediately as I wrote to him he responded saying he has moved out and lives alone…. I was so proud of him as I knew ho emotional this all was and as a childhood friend was happy that he had done it alone… he continued to say how much he loves me and that I am THE ONE and that he will let life show him the way …. As I was boarding my flight I got a text asking G-D to protect me and how excited he was to see me… I was flying 48 hrs to see him and was so excited … what lay ahead nothing could have prepared me for… Ive never dealt with deceit and this being a close childhood friend now have no idea who he is … I landed and called him ..he said he was in a business meeting and would call me back ..he never did… after 3 weeks and no contact I was with a mutaul friend who told me that he has a live in girlfriend and is moving state with her… I was shocked !!! I saw him 3 x in 6 weeks and he still continued to say I AM THE ONE and that he is not in love with his girlfriend … There is so much decit that was uncovered to write it all down but I am amazed at his lack of empathy and ability to manipulate what transpired… his words and actions were not aligned …I am very empathetic and was also amazed at how he had aged in a year ..his face is lined and wrinkled and his behaviour is not that of anyone I would have fallen in love with… First time I have really fallen in love and for some reason i would have removed all !!! boundaries with him … I trusted him altho others were dubious of him. Sexually he ignited a desire in me that I have no comparison to. It wasnt acted upon but I feel such a loss. In retrospect thru all my tears I thank G-D for protecting me and have cut contact. At first he begged me not to then manipulated everything around with no phone call and only emails saying I am trying to make him look like the bad guy. This is a 42 yr old … who I still do not know if he is divorced he has a live in girlfriend 15 yrs younger who he assured me hes not in love with and called her trailer trash. my Gosh what a ride …. I have always had a question mark wether he was bi sexual from childhood and when I asked him it made him angry …all I ever wanted was the truth and guess I am naieve as regardless of someones truth I cannot process decit nor undertsand it …I appreciate any response and there is so much more to this story about decit and lies uncovered
I need to add that I have never ever felt such an intensity before … and had no doubt it was real !!! he repeatedly told me that he could never be with another knowing he had found me after so many years … I have experienced an incredible heartbreak thru the deceit and having flown abroad believing he lived alone to find out he has a 6 month live in girlfriend and altho he says I am still THE ONE he is not able to assume any responsibilty for his deceit and instead manipulates saying THAT IS LIFE and had I have been there and not left him when he put his divorce on hold things would have been very very different. I feel like my head is spinning as nothing makes sense I quetion all he ever shared and realize none was true … after i reached out and aid i was going to travel abroad as i owed it to myself to see and understand this dynamic …he seemed so excited and i had no doubt of his love for me again overwhelmed with a gratitude at something so powerful and proud of myself that altho not a day or night had gone past in a year that he wasnt on my mind and in my heart ,I had walked away and cut contact the day i heard his divorce was on hold. This is a childhood friend who when i asked for truth and questioned his lies told me i was attacking him and putting pressure on him… where is the kind loving person i believed him to be … i was so supportive thru all his chaos a complications and i only asked for truth… which he is unable to give me . the indecency and feeling of disrespect from a man i have grown up with and felt such beautiful indescribable feelings for hurts much much more than the loss to another woman . i will be strong …i will move on …my tears will stop and i do thank G-D but i do not understand !!!! why !!!! from a man who repeatedly claims to be a very sympathetic individual… phew !!!! what a horrible horrible first time falling in love experience
DEBRADAVID you are a truly remarkable good woman, a star amongst the rest of us inmanaging to hold onto your principles and the suggested guidlines of insisting that the man is clear before fully giving yourself to him, and you managed to hold fast in your conduct with a real full blown Narcissistic Personality Disordered man. Amazing, you are one of the few who do fully sustain living by their beliefs despite the temptations. And yet that evil thing still got hold of your feelings causing turmoil and hurt. You will recover soon enough though. This is so scary to see that the impact of Narcissists is so bad that your ethical caution and conduct if you didn't work him out to be a Narcissist is not enough to prevent you as a caring women being drawn into in to that extent emotionally.
The quickest explanation and answer to give to you is he could and would do what he did to you (as he has to others and will whenever he can to more people)
is because he has that narcissistic personality disorder.They don't and can't ever with anyone have a true relationship, one that is a two way street. They neurologicically , psychologically are wired differently. They have no capacity for caring empathy, people are just objects and items to be used to serve their short term purposesThey need adultation and attention to feel alive, referred to as Narcissistic Supply (NS) and devalue resentfully those sources of it.Their personality/identity isn't truly stable and can flicker through being anything at anytime to have the novelty for stimulus, hence Mr Grand Passion with you at one moment ( sometimes a calculated ruse or other times he believes himself for a few hours) and not the next as shown by their next actions ( ranging from derision of you or being with anyone else ).
Psychopaths and Narcissists are extremely similar. The serial killer Ted Bundy was a real charmer, but having been caught and his actions identified we don't ask how could he betray girls he got by being so charming asking them to help due to a fake injury. We don't ask our cute sweet cat why won't you not be so cruel to the little mouse you caught torturing it so before killing it and listen to this lovely Bhuddist philosophy of respecting all life, we grasp that is their make up and nature. So it is with a personality disorder like Narcissistic PD. They won't and can't be otherwise. This man is beyond poor early learning resulting in crass treatment of women ( a few of them if younger, under early 30's are willing to change), he is a narcissist demonstrated by calculating lies , evasions, unjustifiable excuses and selfishness with utter inconsideration shown of your feelings. Resposability for how hurtful his actions are to you is outside and irrelevant to his conceptual framework. Excluding the power kick, controlling you aims to meet his needs to feel more powerful or in irresposably get his immediate needs met your suffering utterly unimportant.
“It is much easier to make good (wo)men wise than to make bad men good.” Henry Fielding, 1749 Therefore learn what a narcissist is and understand what they are, they cannot ever be made better or different. This quote is taken from the” Narcissist Suck” sight.
Visit this site and those by Sam Vaknin http://samvak.tripod.com/faq1.html is one to start with.
After that look up things about narcissists and going “No Contact” (NC) and why that is essential in all forms( do it – no explanation or anything you need to say will make a difference except to your disadvantage) and then sites with suggestion regarding your personal recovery as well as continuing to share here and other places to facilitate your personal recovery. Encounters where you get involved with a narcissist have an amazing degree of impact on any caring feeling human so never feel weak for hurting from it. Just ignore him and never respond again to him or answer to anyone he gets to inquire for him – aside from once only to him and any other- that you decided it wasn't going to work with him, your reasons are personal and you want no further contact or reminders as you are moving forward. Then adhere to it. Any way you didn't commit adultary with him, he has with his other girlfriend while conning you, so why would you entertain ,but not dismiss an adulterer and lier, you are better and worth more than that. It looks like so far you have been the greatest lesson he has encountered in standing by standards of morality despite your capacity for love being a foot in the door and he knows that now you know enough if you are really true to those standards ( not just a really cunning game player uping your intrigue for him which is what from his mind set h'd be assuming and presuming to beat) you have to say bye & no contact giving no explanation or asking for one.He knows he has done enough to cross you if you are really authentic to your standards and faith it is goodbye without explanations (rubbing a narcissists nose in his dirt only enrages him for justifying vengance, gives him attention- NS and is never proccessed meaninfully as they won't get a single complaint with any constructive outcome.
Good luck in your journey and healing. Write here again if you feel like it. susanawalsh one of the moderators of this site is wonderful in cher understanding and compassion for anyone at anypoint. You'll probably soon get a response from her anyway.
Brigitte thank you SO much for your response… My actions held onto principles but my heart and soul and prayers and empathy were with him constantly.There wasnt a day that he wasnt the focus of my heart,never for a moment doubting that we would be together. I knew it and felt it with my whole being … Here are some of his words to me … which is all I believed to be true…
“I love you and adore you,want you to know that I will be proud to call you my wife one of these days, you look gorgeous my darling”
“I am crazy about you Debs” and “I will always be next to you and together !!! we will overcome the curveballs that life throws us”
“Baby trust me I am so in love with you…… and am just glad we have what we have, and look forward to the future!!!!!!! “
“The thought of spending the rest of my life with you, and growing old with you, feels like the most unreal realization I have ever had………..”
“One of these days I will be with you, and then its forever baby……”
“I want to have the opportunity of being with you and feel strongly that we will be together ,I dont understand why I feel the way I do, I just do……”
“Debs never ever forget how much I love you……. I feel it deep within me, its amazing!!!!!!!! I think you are such a classy lady, and I will always treat u as such! Gxxxxxx”
“Love intensyfies as it matures baby, real love that is, its amazing, when it is true love! I feel it with you, and will not !!! let it go, I believe it does come along to often in life, and when you realise it…… you make the needed sacrifices in order to nurcher it!!!!!!”
“Debs Being in love , can change! as one falls in love, you can also fall out of Love, Real and True Love is when you have a profound connection, that extends beyond any known boundaries, and where you have feelings for another , that are far greater than the feelings you have for yourself, they are your world, and when true, life is meaningless with out that person in it………U feel unforfilled when they are not with you and it hurts, you share and do what you would normally not do with any other, they inspire you to greater heights, pick you up when you are down, they focus on what is good in u, and disregard what is not, they choose you for who you really are, life shared with such a person will always be rewarding especially when it is resiprecated……… I love you !!! angel and am in love with you”
“Do you think it is at all possible , That you could be making a mistake? Because I dont! I love u G xxxxxxx “
“Hey baby, I have come to a little coffee shop, hoping to connect with you and have a chat, and realise the time there……. just to let you know I so understand your frustration, and wish I could be with you so badly. I am missing u so much, and working hard top get to a point where, this will all be over. Bbaes a question, please explain , not wanting to make a mistake to me? If I even thought I could be making a mistake, It would change everything for me, I have never once even thought that this in any way could be a mistake, I am frustrated yes, overwhelmed yes, but I am determined, I know inside me there is no way this could be a mistake…….? I just want you to know how I feel, and that I have NO doubts what so ever, and hoping that this gives you the needed imput to help you deal with what you are dealing with? I love you Debbs!”
“I cannot even imagine being with someone else, not with you in the world……. Just not concievable! You to have rocked my inner core, and changed the way I look at love……”
“U amaze me, love your deepness, and your mind, u really are a special lady, I am so greatful to u for coming into my life, thank u Debbs.”
“we will take it one step at a time, they can gossip about how happy we are and how right for each other we are”
” I am always thinking of you , and am so greatful for all that is, and hopefully will be. I feel such an incredible closeness with you, and have done since we met. Love u, sleep well baby.”
“Baby it is hard, but feel that we are also close to the point where u and I can start really planning for us going forward, I am feeling the excitement in my self, in terms of embarking on a new life with the person I most want to be with and so in love with. I really am missing you and blown away by this fact, as u really have made a huge impact in my life in terms of how much I feel for someone, thank u, I Love you “
“debbs I to will never give up, and want to be with u for the rest of my life ! I am just so grateful ……… I love our song! Once in a lifetime !!! G xxx”
“Debs Im also batteling with the seperation aspect of not being with you, as there is so much I want to do with you and share with you in person.”
“I dont want us to fall into the trap of becoming friends as a result of what we are going through, and want you to know this, you are my Lover and partner. I hope that comes out right your end, I just needed to say it. I love you babes.”
“Debs you are in my every waking thought – Ive never been like this, ever !!! need you in my life”
“Having met you has shown me what I truelly want, which I believed I would never feel, G-D has given me another chance, and this time he has given me what HE Knows is what I need and have always been looking for….., I just never knew it was u, or that it would happen to me….”
“Baby please don't be nervous , you have nothing to fear, ever with me…… I will always only be good to u and I will also always protect u.”
“I am a humble person, but very strong in my conviction, and ultimately will always decide what's right for me, I make my own path in life, and will always accept the outcome of my decisions, as they were my decisions, with no outside input……… I have equal concern for others and repect there opinion and or belief, that is life……..G xxxxxxxxxx”
“remember baby what ever challenge you face, we as a team can overcome……”.
When we met after 25 years . The feeling of being in his space was not one I can describe. It was incredible. I hid my feelings until he shared he was not in a intimate marriagege and was not nor ever had been in love with his wife and slept in seperate bedrooms, had tried to get divorced before but didnt have the strength as it was too difficult leaving his 5 year old son. When he met me he restarted the divorce process. I was sexuall with him twice and only pulled back the day he told me he had put his divorce on hold. I only did it out of ethics and becoz it was one of the 10 commandments … I loved him with all of me !!! and altho he continued to write and express his love – I never responded until I decided I had to travel and face whatever was… at which point he seemed so excited to see me – saying he has moved out and lives alone…Not for one minute did I expect him to be living with another woman.I was feeling such incredible empathy knowing how hard it must have been for him to leave his son and how emotional he was. I believed !!!! in him more than Ive believed in any person. The sexual desires he had ignited in me were unacted upon but I still find myself under a control altho I have cut contact. I did not know what narcissism nor persoanlity disorders were and spent many many many hrs looking online and am grateful to have found this blog. I hate to think he does have neurelogical issues but yes he was a child and teenager with very low self esteem…. He is very good looking altho his face has completely changed in the past year and aged and wrinkled. I only got back to the USA 4 weeks ago and have reached out to him many times with a heartbreak asking for decency and an understanding of why he lied and why he let me travel across the world to see him , I operated from heart . I do not have my clarity and never got the decency nor respect from him. His responses confused me more and not once did he pick up the phone to reach out to a woman who is broken. He repeatedly says I am the love of his life. That he is trying to protect me from critisism and that hes made many mistakes he needs to fix. That I am his dream and that this is not about me but about him . Then he will say that had I have not walked away( lets remember he chose to put a divorce on hold) things would have been very very different as I was his rock and he needed me… Does a man like this intentionally have a plan to hurt … did he ever love … I felt it !!! was it an act !!! I felt I had truelly met my soul mate. Sexually he has gotten to me and ignited desires I have never had. He did say to me once that he not only wants to control the way my body reacts to him but also the way my mind reacts to him. I thought it was sexy as he did say visa versa. His prayer for me as I boarded my flight asking G-D to protect this precious woman and how excited he was to see me left me no inclination of the sadness and shock that lay ahead. Being a close childhood friend I would have supported him if he as reconciling his marriage and happily extended a friendship to his wife… She knew about me as he had shown her pics and had spent every day with me for a month last Dec/Jan. We have many mutual childhood friends … which is how I found out about the girlfriend… I cry non stop and not just at the loss as I thank G-D for protecting me but at the loss of someone I was so excited to reconnect with and am sadenned at the deciet and lack of decency as I believed him to be all that he isnt … I have told him I was researching sociopaths and borderline personality disorders in a quest for clarity … I guess I did rib his nose in it Brigitte …I never knew what I was doing as I honestly feel like Im in a tumble dryer and the cycle is not on gentle!!! I can respect anyones truth but do not remotely understand someone not capable of Truth. Aman who 4 weeks ago looked me in my eyes and continued to say I am THE ONE and he is IN LOVE with me … nothing makes sense. I try to surrender and ask G-D to remove my tears and embrace what is …yet I long for him and know that he doesnt exist.
Again I am so grateful for your response ..THANK YOU !!!!
Back in October when i decided I needed to travel as I was not prepared to go thru another year of longing … I reached out and was responded to with enthusiasm. He told me he was going away for the weekend with his son alone. I responded for him to have a great great time and to send me pics… he sent me an individual pic of him and his son. I said he looked great and he thanked me saying his son had taken the pic…
I never ever expected that to be a lie !!!
I was abroad battling to sleep not knowing if he was with his wife – divorced or with his girlfriend and still getting constant texts that Im the only one and all that I feel he feels its just very complicated for him …
Intuitively I logged onto Face book and looked up his girlfriend ( who resembles me) …she had an unprotected site and I could see her albums. THERE I see fun weekend away … I see him at the same table – the same chairs and the same clothing as the pic he sent me … I started vomitting !!!!! and when I approached him and expressed that a con artist is a very very convincing person and that all I had ever asked for was truth .He said Ive never lied to you baby … when I mentioned the pic he said last minute his sons mum wouldnt let him go … I waited for him to continue the lie …and then packed up crying and told him that theres no need to lie anymore as when I had commented post the trip …on how good he looks his response was THANK YOU BABY JOSH TOOK THE PIC … Josh didnt take the pic …Josh wasnt even there…. He asked if I was finished attacking him … I reminded him that my brother is conected to all the top investigators in our country and that it would be interesting to do a background check on him … but that he neednt worry as he has nothing to hide… brigitte I did rub his nose into it … but with love and absolute heartbreak … at one point I even wanted to contact his wife as I did not commit adultry – yes I fell in love with lies but then thought she has his son and I would hurt her by my honesty. I so want to believe he is a good guy going thru a bad cycle …but his lack of decency or respect to me shows me hes not. My brother and father saw thru him the day they remet him … I was furous with them and never go on others opinions… I felt what I felt and had never ever ever felt something so strong before …EVER !!! I thanked G-D for him every day … Its a terrible feeling when you realize you were in love with a man who isnt who you believed he was and I do not know who !!!!! this man is … again Brigitte thank you so much for responding
Brigitte I did explain myself to him with truth as again I was unaware of personality disorders and was researching them . I left him with a prayer and explanation why I was deleting him from Face book and skype … He is very much a part of me and I know I will be ok in time ..but as a 42 yr old gosh it hurts to have lost what never was…here was what I left him with …
Almighty G-D
You know every hair on our heads and every tear that weve shed. It is only when our hearts are cracked open that we release the toxicity and pain and new spirit enters …Please hold this precious man in your hands and comfort him. Protect Gareth from danger and from his own emotions, remove addiction , fear and deceit from his character. Guide him and Show him that he is NOT ALONE and that he is LOVED !!! Let him surrender to you and when he does please answer his prayers as you can see his heart and you know what is real. G-D please guide him in making the correct choices and decisions on his life path and learn the lessons you want him to learn. I pray SUCCESS – HAPPINESS and TRUTH into Gaz soul . I pray that he has an ability to turn every negative into a positive. I Love him very very much and Ive seen his brokenness and cried many many tears for him and many tears over him. Please G-D strengthen me thru this prayer and fill Gareth with an abundance of LOVE !!! PEACE !!! and FAITH !!! to fill the void and emptiness that he is feeling.
Let him operate in Faith Truth and conscience and stop running and in stillness be the man you created him to be . A warrior of LIGHT !!!
Thank you Almighty G-D . Amen.
He knows I saw thru him yet continued to reach out with love which is kind and caring … I also pointed out all I had discovered as the 2 individual pics he sent me from his weekend alone with his son, which his son wasnt even there were 2 differnent dates and that only came to me by discernment and prayer by looking at the 000img numbers I prayed dates would be revealed and had no idea that the middle digits are the dates… Those dates didnt match .He was that manipulative to have sent me a pic of his son from a month earlier and him from the weekend … I dont understand why !!! he didnt have to be with me ..I would be happy for him if he had met someone as sad as I would have felt it would have been a lot easier than this … and why !!! did he beg me not to delete him and that the very least we could be was best friends and that he needs my words of wisdom to help him get back on his path …and then an email saying all I have done is attack him … Is asking for the truth and clarity an attack ? I guess again I didrub his nose into it as I did say that as kind and loving as I am he must never underestimate nor undermine my intelligence… and that I see yet I love and forgive but noe I need clarity and my sympathy cards for him are done … so hard to share a rollercoaster of a story on here but I thank all those whose stories ahve helped me and hope mine helps others… Truth and Closure is all I wanted not a man who cried and continues to say he is protecting me and needs to deal with the complications he is responsible for in his life … and then goes as far as to WRITE ON face book that he is very happy !!! none of it makes sense …
Brigitte after reading more and more posts I am wondering of he is borderline personality disorder ? I find it so hard believing he has any disorder but he did say last year he suffered incredible guilt ? – his new year resolution is not to lie ? and that he even considered “checking out” I wanted to be supportive through such incredible hard times for him as I am empathetic and intuitive but the lack of decency I received makes me put my sympathy cards aside. He is very needy … he does exagerate who he knows… but he was incredibly loving and warm . I fail to understand how a man who has met THE WOMAN of his DREAMS could be so unempathetic and kind. He was Kind and protective !!! and loving !!! and strong … this person is running and hiding and weak and does not have the character of the man I fell in love so deeply with. Another question ? do borderline personality and narcisstists have a sexual magnetism like no other. I am alarmed at the control and desire within me and altho I have cut contact .It remains… I have cried more than I have ever cried in my life … I again am grateful for divine protection but it was too good to be true and I fell so deeply in love and altho I walked away I knew with no doubt we would be together… and even seeing him now with his tears and my direct conforntation and expression of all that occured I still felt that connection … to trust so deeply … and be a recipient of deceit and disrespect and cruelty is hard to understand …that is not love !!! and yet to hear the words I love you constantly doesnt make sense. Here is a song he sent me many many many times calling it our song and how grateful he is for all we share and looks so forward to spending our lives together and I believed every word …none is true !!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1y1oW_CBoAE
My heart is sore !!! I am grateful and have no doubt that G-D is in control but gosh my head is spinning and my desires that were spoken about but unacted on are always in my mind and more than anything I miss my friend and a man I would never ever ever have hurt and only protected as a friend or partner. I adored !!! him
Hi All!
I'm a guy that fell for a guy. He was funny, charming and wooed me like there was no tomorrow. Finally I found someone who liked to laugh. I was CONVINCED he was the one. He was in the process of breaking a 10 year relationship and I understood his situation. They were sleeping in separate rooms and were still living together. But I wasn't allowed to go over to his place…which again I understood. He said he just got bored with the ex partner (red flag #1). He said he was lying to him to justify the time he was spending with me (red flag #2). It made me wonder if he was going to lie to me someday….more about that later.
He was coming over a lot. We'd have sex or we'd watch tv and just enjoy one anothers company. I actually said I Love You first. But he couldn't say it back. He kept saying that he knew it bothered me, but he'd say it “someday.” After I said the L word, we stopped going out in public together. He would just come over and we'd hang. One day, I just began to feel that he wasn't there anymore. He just seemed to have gotten quieter and more distant. He came over one night and announced that He DID love me and wanted to spring it on me as a surprise. Deep down, I knew it was the beginning of the end as it wasn't sincere. Why would you wait? Weeks went on. . I actually got the opportunity to go over to his place as the ex was away. The house was OVERLY tidy. There was no clutter anywhere. He even had a shrine to himself in his bedroom (red flag # 3).
The devaluing came slowly and subtly. He made a snide comment to me as we made out. I was surprised to say the least. It came from nowhere. He didn't apologize and it cut me like a knife. Next night he cancelled his plans with me. I guess to make me atone for questioning him. I then proceeded to break contact, because I was really getting bad vibes. He came over and said that maybe he really didn't love me and we should start from scratch. I agreed.
I left for Christmas break and called him a few times. He said he missed me and longed for my return. When I returned he was like a new man. He was attentive, loving, and like he was at the beginning. I was totally in love again. We talked about moving in together and life was going to be soooo very happy.
Then BAM. He became cold and distant again. I tried harder to keep things going. We were eating a meal together and I asked him if he wanted ketchup….he accused me of stalking him. I was shocked and embarrassed. Next night, he sneezed and I got him a tissue, and he said I was smothering him. I was like, WHAT GIVES? We were suppose to be together the next night and he called it off. I was put off because we both had the next day off. He didn't call until 6pm. He asked to come over and we had sex. I felt like a booty call instead of a boyfriend. I ended it the next day.
I made a few attempts to try to work things out but was rejected. I was a bit sad that he didn't want to work on things. But then it occurred to me that if he really loved me…he'd do whatever it took to make things right.
I was getting false praise emails from him…and thought it was a sign he wanted to get back together. He said he didn't. I told him it was good closure. I instituted no contact and it's almost hitting 3 weeks –YAY!!!
I still see him out and about and he's like alive now. He always seemed depressed when he was with me. He sucked the life out of me and now he's living off the NS I fed him. I appealed to his vanity and his ego.
Run but never forget. They are master manipulators. They hone in on your vulnerability and then use it against you. He projected his depression onto me. I was targeted, as he mistook kindness for stupidity. I am just now coming out of the fog of confusion and regret for the time wasted. It's not about us…..It's ALL about them. They are ice-men. Devoid of feelings and emotion. They live for their next victim. I wish I had known about this website. I never knew that there was a disorder like this. I am now aware and vigilant of people like this! Thanks!
Sean, thank you for sharing your story. The most encouraging thing about it is how strong you are. Yes, you wasted time and gave him the benefit of the doubt too frequently. That is what we do when we fall in love. But you're 3 weeks in with no contact – clearly you are going to be totally fine. I hope that next time you will meet someone who is emotionally healthy enough to receive all the love that you have to give.
Thanks Susan!! This website has really been my moral support. Each day I feel more empowered and lucky to have gotten out with just my feelings hurt. I've discovered that I'm not a victim, but a survivor. We all need to say that to ourselves. We are not the broken ones….we are the strong. If loving someone unconditionally is co-dependent, then I'm guilty as charged and proud of it. I CAN care, feel empathy and emotion…that's my strength. I didn't see love as being a war, where one wins and the other is defeated. I can only say that I feel only pity for someone that feels threatened by being loved. Very sad when you think about it. Thanks again! Sean.
I encourage everyone who comes by here to read Sean's words here. He is in such a good, strong place emotionally. Love should not be war, and dating should not be combat.
You are so right that narcissists deserve pity, they are hollow shells who don't have the normal and healthy range of emotions. It's perhaps too much to ask, but at the very least it should help us say “Good riddance.” Narcissists are toxic, they poison everything good and earnest with their total lack of empathy.
I meant to get back to you sooner DEBRADAVID but had been flat out and spun out taking in this Keith Urban song. Went through it line by line and could explain what a perfect song for a narcissist -then lost it as it went beyond the word limit for You Tube's comment section where I was doing it. It's in my favourites , not by liking but a lesson in horror.
Here is my current You Tube comment “It sounds seductively lovely, but I think it's actualy the antithenem of what it purports to be. Was sent this by a girl being played by a narcissisit personality disorder type bewildered by his cruelty and sending her this “lovely song”
Analysed it, and yes it only realy promises what a narcissist will deliver and how they do. Chills down my spine, scary type. Hate this song greatly. The song writer is probably a narcissist, but a very clever one. Dump guys who send you this as a love song ASAP. “
Yes- he will love you like nobody loves you – think about it….who do you know in the past & present that you know have real love for you ever played you so cruely
Steal your attention like a bad outlaw – yes will take your attention like a crim..
Speak the language in a voice you have never heard- a narcissists outstanding feature, and already you've heard so many lies, inconsistencies, avoidances, cruel dismissals….
I'm going to be there for you from now on, you kind of know this- yes not for good and he does keep trying while lying..
You've been stretched to the limit but it's all right now -It is for him, not even saying how he is fixing it, needs you that way to do you over…
There will be a new day coming your way- sure will for the worse and narcissists are so inconsistent you actually get a new day nearly every day…want more of this??
He'll make your world LIKE A SILVER PIN – sounds pretty, but THINK sharp penetrating potential and otherwise ludicrously meaningless.
Lots of clever use of blending words and images that are of the old worlds we romanticise and yet often cruel truths entwined.
Do things like that in NLP & cults too. I could keep on with more lines from
this song… but enough of it.
Hope your seeing this song in another light, or questioning more.
In regard to letters he wrote: I had worked as a social worker in a prison and MANY of thee inmates, especially the seriously impaired pathological ones, while incarcerated wrote counless letters – just like those you were sent. These inmates did such letters to hang on to the partners they'd abused & disregarded when on the outside. The same for virtual strangers they wooed. If such an inmates partner was REALY finished with him, in a few weeks he could write the same way to any other female he thought he may interest.
It was one amazing feature I noted about inmates, marvelling about how widespead this talent was. How such romantic words could flow from some of the most crude depraved males!??- Was it prison food , the air?? Back then I didn't think that much about personality disorders. Yet most stable truly loving husbands don't or even can come up with that stuff. Nor would pretend to have the way of loving that women dream, about mirroring a woman.
Psycopathic/ narcissistic types lure their prey the putting out bait of what they recognise they desire,… only untill they have trapped them. May do it again briefly, that is if the prey had escaped so as to recapture.
And guess what the girlfriend has probably had much the same lies told to her with no less passionate intensity, and there will be many others too.
My ex N once slipped up.It happened when re telling me about the conversation he had with the person he picked out at his school to counsel him (not his role staff- kids were) when dumped by his wife- a more pathological level of the same or similar disorder as him.
Counselor had asked N what he thought love was. He had responded with
“love is when they believe your lies” and once he processed my dismay overthis being his answerand all the implications he then tried claiming he was just joking.
He hadn't been, as he'd just indicated being perplexed by his counselor not seeming to get it, as if there was something unusual or missing from his reply expecting further clarification on this. Remeber this definition as given by a narcissist. Revealed only because he got temporarily sloppy from recently being exited from a 20 yr marriage of an even more extreme ilk, plus drinking heavily then ( probably not even fully sober at school then either).
When I was involved with the ex N in the early stages I was in very much the same emotional psychological state you've described,Plus I was then with full on even physically involved24/7. I lacked the sense you had to restrain more involvement despite warning signs.
It is one of the most painful experiences in trying to leave them then, so confusing and in some ways seeming so logicaly necessary.
These days I really “understand” him. So I'm just repulsed by him. He is patently so pathetic and am aware of how capable of any evil.
There is nothing I miss about him ( just the cats there are missed).
I don't even wonder how can he, how could he. Irrelevant questions and concepts as he has NPD. I, as all other women. meant no more to him than any ant in his yard and pray he forgets me completely, I wish for himto find his soulmate – from hell , like he had in his ex wife.
Currently he lives on an online dating site. I check now and then ( not on it or any of them myself)to see he doesnt hit the “no recent emails batch”. No attention there for N is when he has ended up stalking my place very late at night & does petty bits of damage to the outside of my house or fences. If suspect my exN stalking odds are I illuminate areas , leave certain curtains part open, or remove or obscure items of temptation.He is busier and less stalkier & soon won't bother checking. Its boring plus hate having to do anything about him. After he had overdone stalking me, I did then indirectly guide him on that site once( very brief pseudo pofiles that went ASAP). Got the result I needed with him decreasing his restrictions for his goody profile, hence more site generated matches for him. Unbelievably stupid N in not figuring it out in thefirst place!
Any way everyone is advantaged. He should have found others to stalk locally & regained the confidence to do this over by now from police chatting to him years ago noting his funny night walks
Once he was one I thought I loved more than any others before. Yet now I can't understand now how that weird, evil incompetant creep I see with eyes really wide open -7 mths of no contact gives amazing clarity- could EVER have been the object of my delusions, Regardless of what cracks were in my make up ,or from impairements of early stage past relationships, pressures of divorce etc.,
It did happen and realy only an N could do it.
I'm recovering myself and life, but the cost psychologicaly, emotionaly, physicaly, economicaly and socialy was high, way too high.
Unfortunately for you it will hurt. Though keep as clearly away from him in contact of all types. Think as little about him as you can and if you do, keep very clear about what he is really like. Especially how you don't or ever will mean anything to him more than many others, all being fed parallel lies, often at the same times.
Don't waste prayers on him, read the “Narcissist Suck” blogs re where Christian's ought to stand with Narcissists. The writer is a savy, good devout Christian herself & I completely agree with her. In all other situations I take Christian values of loving others and compassion seriously, trying to live by them.
You will feel better soon enough ( depite any current pain levels, yearnings etc.,) and realise that you've learnt lessons that will later be of value.
All the best and good luck in your recovery.
Debra, please forgive me for not responding sooner. The blog is getting a lot of traffic, comments and emails and I am falling behind in trying to respond!
I am so sorry that you wound up in the crosshairs of such an amoral person. The thing about narcissists is, they have zero empathy, they can lack a conscience entirely. Your misfortune was in trusting this man based on the fact that you had known him since childhood and he seemed so sincere. I think most women would have responded in the same way. I cannot believe you went all that way to see him and he stood you up! That is so rude, so unkind, so selfish. He was willing to go to any lengths to prolong the deceit.
The bottom line is that this man is absolutely toxic for you. I don't think you can remain sane and whole if you have anything to do with him. I admire you for cutting off all contact, and you must stick to it! I know you fell hard for him, but there are other men out there who are NORMAL, who will not take and take and refuse to give anything. Just be glad you're not his wife – think how she must feel.
I do think it's interesting that you have wondered about his sexuality, and that your suspicion about this goes back to childhood. Repressed sexuality, whether straight or not, is powerful and damaging. If he is bisexual or gay, he may be dealing with his identity in ways that are manifesting themselves in extremely destructive ways.
Whatever the case, it's clear that you are well rid of him. I know it's very painful, and that you think you won't find that with anyone else. Just keep reminding yourself that a man like this could destroy you, and that you deserve better. It does make me wonder about his history with other women, and whether you are the first woman outside his marriage who has experienced this kind of intense but destructive relationship with him.
You are a good and trusting woman, and you have conducted yourself with flawless character. Only a small percentage of people suffer from NPD, so you can be reasonably sure it's unlikely to happen again. However, I hope you will heed the warning signs. Lying, evasiveness, extreme emotional intensity from the start, many promises without corresponding actions. I'm glad you have cut off all contact, and I urge you to never speak to him again!