How to Get the Sweetest Revenge Ever

First thing, click play on the mp3 player below. It’s my favorite song of the summer, the All-American Rejects singing Gives You Hell. I’ve probably heard this song a few hundred times, but I’m still not tired of it. It might be the best revenge song EVER.

[dewplayer:/04 Gives You Hell.mp3]

“When you see my face, hope it gives you hell”

Is there anyone alive who hasn’t felt that way? Revenge is always getting a bad rap. Revenge can be sweet indeed, and I believe that everyone’s emotional toolkit should include an effective strategy for getting even.

Why do we seek revenge when we have been hurt? To injure the other person the way we have been injured, right? Wrong.

We seek revenge to makes ourselves feel better.

We want to say, “See? See what you threw away? Are you sorry now?” And we want the answer to be a resounding yes. We want the person who has left us brokenhearted to regret their stupidity and beg to come back to us. Then we would have reclaimed control, and would once again feel like the desired object.

That’s where revenge plans often go off the rails. Most rejected people use revenge strategies in hopes of getting their ex back. That’s not useful, or effective. And when it does work, it’s not going to last. I know, because I fell victim to that strategy. Although I was the dumper, my ex had tons of girls going after him within a week of my breaking up with him. After spending nearly 9 months working hard to get him back once he proved more desirable than I’d expected, I found that I didn’t like him any better the second time around. Awkward.

“Live well. It is the greatest revenge.”

The Talmud

Is there a way to get revenge that’s all good? I think there is. I think you can feel fabulous about yourself, and make someone who has hurt you feel badly about losing you at the same time. Does it get any better than that? I’m not talking about turning into a crazy face with his friends, causing property damage or making yourself a total nuisance. I’m talking about keeping it classy.

1. Remain dignified at all times.

• No begging or tears after the first, horrible conversation.
• No stalking.
• No ambushing.

Once you have heard his explanation and responded, there is no further reason to “talk.”

2. Exhibit personal strength.

• Survive.

The dumper always receives ego gratification when they can see they have crushed you. Even if they feel badly, they enjoy the power of having the ability to devastate another human being by withdrawing their love. In the early days, your job is just to hold it together, sticking to your normal routines.

• Be open.

Stop worrying about what other people are thinking and saying. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are not a fool because you cared for someone, and you are not pathetic because they rejected you.

• Be civil.

If you see the person who hurt you, maintain a polite tone. You do not need to be especially cordial, but you want to communicate that you can handle being an ex without making others uncomfortable.

• Thrive.

As time passes, you need to work hard to move on by pursuing your own interests and living your life to the fullest. Make a point of planning activities for yourself where you know you will not see him.

3. Be your best self.

• Makeovers are for YOU, not your ex.

Resist the urge to make dramatic changes. Losing 10 lbs. is not going to get your ex back. And if it did, how would that make you feel?

• Be authentic.

Becoming a huge flirt, or the life of the party, overnight is going to look ridiculous if it’s not who you’ve always been. Ditto for any sudden shifts in your style. If cleavage was always your thing, don’t stop now! But if you’ve never felt comfortable showing a lot of skin, getting skanky in hopes of appealing to your ex is not going to work.

• Be interested in other people.

This needs to be genuine, not faked. Make a point of interacting with others, and take an interest in conversation with them. You need to establish new relationships over time.

4. Be subtle.

• Encounters should be coincidental.

Do not give your ex any opportunity to suspect you’ve coordinated a run-in. On the other hand, don’t avoid an event that you would be expected to attend just so you don’t have to see him.

• Avoid eye contact.

You’re at a party, and your ex is there too. He’s curious to see how you’re handling the breakup. Part of him wants to know that you are a mess. He is grinding up on someone on the dance floor, all the while making eye contact with you. Stop it. Turn your back. Go into another room. He is no longer any of your business. You are not to provide him any satisfaction whatsoever.

• Don’t talk shit.

Keep your mouth shut about the particulars. Telling your awful tale will only make you seem weak. Never discuss him with anyone but your closest friends. Do not take the chance that he will hear you’ve been talking about him.

5. Be positive.

• You’ve been knocked down, now get up again.

No one is going to feel sorry for you unless you seek sympathy by making a spectacle of yourself.

• Expect good things to happen to you.

There will be a new love interest in time, and in the meantime you will discover some surprising benefits to being out of that relationship.

• Reflect on the many things you learned about yourself and others in the relationship.

Your ex was an important part of your personal journey.  He was part of your story, but he is not the one. You must continue your own way, and see where your path will lead you next.

If you do all of these things, what you will find is that you have given yourself a gift. Perhaps you made your ex regret dumping you, perhaps not. But it doesn’t matter anymore. You have your life to live, and he is no longer part of it. And you feel OK about that. The best revenge is coming out stronger and better than before, knowing that you deserve more than someone who could, or would, hurt you in that way.

By living well you have made him irrelevant. And there’s no sweeter revenge than that.

Tags: All-American Rejects, awkward, breakup, crazy face, crush, drama, ego, eye contact, love, mp3 player, party, regret, relationship, relationships, revenge, strategy, talk, talmud