How to Get the Sweetest Revenge Ever
First thing, click play on the mp3 player below. It’s my favorite song of the summer, the All-American Rejects singing Gives You Hell. I’ve probably heard this song a few hundred times, but I’m still not tired of it. It might be the best revenge song EVER.
[dewplayer:/04 Gives You Hell.mp3]
“When you see my face, hope it gives you hell”
Is there anyone alive who hasn’t felt that way? Revenge is always getting a bad rap. Revenge can be sweet indeed, and I believe that everyone’s emotional toolkit should include an effective strategy for getting even.
Why do we seek revenge when we have been hurt? To injure the other person the way we have been injured, right? Wrong.
We seek revenge to makes ourselves feel better.
We want to say, “See? See what you threw away? Are you sorry now?” And we want the answer to be a resounding yes. We want the person who has left us brokenhearted to regret their stupidity and beg to come back to us. Then we would have reclaimed control, and would once again feel like the desired object.
That’s where revenge plans often go off the rails. Most rejected people use revenge strategies in hopes of getting their ex back. That’s not useful, or effective. And when it does work, it’s not going to last. I know, because I fell victim to that strategy. Although I was the dumper, my ex had tons of girls going after him within a week of my breaking up with him. After spending nearly 9 months working hard to get him back once he proved more desirable than I’d expected, I found that I didn’t like him any better the second time around. Awkward.
“Live well. It is the greatest revenge.”
The Talmud
Is there a way to get revenge that’s all good? I think there is. I think you can feel fabulous about yourself, and make someone who has hurt you feel badly about losing you at the same time. Does it get any better than that? I’m not talking about turning into a crazy face with his friends, causing property damage or making yourself a total nuisance. I’m talking about keeping it classy.
1. Remain dignified at all times.
- No begging or tears after the first, horrible conversation.
- No stalking.
- No ambushing.
Once you have heard his explanation and responded, there is no further reason to “talk.”
2. Exhibit personal strength.
- Survive.
The dumper always receives ego gratification when they can see they have crushed you. Even if they feel badly, they enjoy the power of having the ability to devastate another human being by withdrawing their love. In the early days, your job is just to hold it together, sticking to your normal routines.
- Be open.
Stop worrying about what other people are thinking and saying. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are not a fool because you cared for someone, and you are not pathetic because they rejected you.
- Be civil.
If you see the person who hurt you, maintain a polite tone. You do not need to be especially cordial, but you want to communicate that you can handle being an ex without making others uncomfortable.
- Thrive.
As time passes, you need to work hard to move on by pursuing your own interests and living your life to the fullest. Make a point of planning activities for yourself where you know you will not see him.
3. Be your best self.
- Makeovers are for YOU, not your ex.
Resist the urge to make dramatic changes. Losing 10 lbs. is not going to get your ex back. And if it did, how would that make you feel?
- Be authentic.
Becoming a huge flirt, or the life of the party, overnight is going to look ridiculous if it’s not who you’ve always been. Ditto for any sudden shifts in your style. If cleavage was always your thing, don’t stop now! But if you’ve never felt comfortable showing a lot of skin, getting skanky in hopes of appealing to your ex is not going to work.
- Be interested in other people.
This needs to be genuine, not faked. Make a point of interacting with others, and take an interest in conversation with them. You need to establish new relationships over time.
4. Be subtle.
- Encounters should be coincidental.
Do not give your ex any opportunity to suspect you’ve coordinated a run-in. On the other hand, don’t avoid an event that you would be expected to attend just so you don’t have to see him.
- Avoid eye contact.
You’re at a party, and your ex is there too. He’s curious to see how you’re handling the breakup. Part of him wants to know that you are a mess. He is grinding up on someone on the dance floor, all the while making eye contact with you. Stop it. Turn your back. Go into another room. He is no longer any of your business. You are not to provide him any satisfaction whatsoever.
- Don’t talk shit.
Keep your mouth shut about the particulars. Telling your awful tale will only make you seem weak. Never discuss him with anyone but your closest friends. Do not take the chance that he will hear you’ve been talking about him.
5. Be positive.
- You’ve been knocked down, now get up again.
No one is going to feel sorry for you unless you seek sympathy by making a spectacle of yourself.
- Expect good things to happen to you.
There will be a new love interest in time, and in the meantime you will discover some surprising benefits to being out of that relationship.
- Reflect on the many things you learned about yourself and others in the relationship.
Your ex was an important part of your personal journey. He was part of your story, but he is not the one. You must continue your own way, and see where your path will lead you next.
If you do all of these things, what you will find is that you have given yourself a gift. Perhaps you made your ex regret dumping you, perhaps not. But it doesn’t matter anymore. You have your life to live, and he is no longer part of it. And you feel OK about that. The best revenge is coming out stronger and better than before, knowing that you deserve more than someone who could, or would, hurt you in that way.
By living well you have made him irrelevant. And there’s no sweeter revenge than that.
Related posts:
Revenge? Really.
That song is so awesome! It reminds me that, for my birthday, my friends got me a “How to turn your ex-boyfriend into a toad kit” (I wonder why they thought I needed one, hahahahaha!). I know its silly, but is really cute and besides the dumb spells, it foccuses a lot in being a “love goddess”, fabulous and confident. I haven't try any spells yet, I haven't been mad or bored enough, haha. Well, the point I guess, is that there lots of things out there to keep you distracted and even cheer you up a little bit, rather than wander around aimlessly to bump into the rat bastard (I've done that, and I've sworn that I 'd never do that to myself again… the worst part was that I did bumped into him… I added insult to injury all by myself). Life turns out really funny. When I let go of ex, life often does the dirty work for me. I try to be rational, but is hard not to think about karma when I see that what goes around often comes around.
Oh, yeah, karma's a bitch! When we've been dumped by a rat bastard, I think we need to remember that we're now free of a rat bastard. And that a guy like that will someday make someone else a terrible husband and father. Sometimes when we're hurt it's hard to see that we're much better off.
P.S. I looked out my window this morning to see 2 morning glories in bloom. I thought of you!
Everytime I have tried to exact revenge on an ex it has always come back to bite ME in the ass. So, I leave the revenge to karma these days, and just figure he is out of my life for a reason, and probably a very good one at that.
Interesting, you're the second person to mention karma. Is it real? Is there truly payback from the universe? I'd like to think so – we all want justice in the end.
I very much believe in karma and the energy you put out into the world is what you get back. Maybe getting dumbed or breaking up (I know from experience it hurt just as much) with the rat bastard is karma's way of showing you there is something much better out there for you.
I think karma is true. Or at least you get back from life what you put into it. If you walk around bitter and wanting revenge you never notice all the good things going on. It is much better to fake it till you realize one day you aren't faking it anymore and really could care less about the other person.
This blog entry was absolutely spot on!
Rise above it, keep your cool, keep your class, things will get better.
I wish I had read this in the past, as it speaks the truth!
Hey, renu, thanks so much for leaving a comment. I like your idea that even difficult experiences might ultimately be good karma! That's a great thing to keep in mind when you're hurting.
Meg, I think you make a really important point here. It's the “opportunity cost” of being in a funk. You wind up missing out on life. What if a really great person thinks you're attractive on the bus, or whatever, but you are too stuck in a funk to make interaction possible? It's that idea of sliding doors in life – you may miss an incredible opportunity if you're too self-focused.
Linaloo84, thanks for commenting. You've boiled the whole idea down perfectly into four steps. And that formula is probably a good one for dealing with any kind of rejection in life.
Hmmm… I get what you mean by self-focused but I also think it is a little bit of not being self-focused or maybe negatively self-focused. I find that sometimes I get in a funk and I am so not self-focused and blaming everything else for what is going on in my life that nothing ever seems to happen. We have talked about faking it till you make it before and I really think that when you are in a funk the best thing to do is over pact your schedule till you find something that makes you you again. Seeking revenge or blaming other things for your problems just keeps you in that situation longer. I still wallow on somethings that have happened to me over the past six months, but as I continue to fake it I realize that there are so many good things happening. If I never had the self-focused time I don't think I would ever have signed up to run this marathon or applied to grad school for counseling or got involved in an amazing community service project. Going through bad times sucks, but sometimes it is seeking revenge/proving to the person they made a mistake/being selfish that makes us the better person in the end.
Yeah, I'll buy that. You know I'm a big believer in “Fake it till you make it.” Trying on positive behaviors can be habit-forming, and it definitely gets easier with time. All your movement forward it awesome, Meg! I saw on fb that you ran 4 miles in 40 minutes. I am so jealous. Well done.
That's really sweet! I took the pseudonym from a Oasis' song many years ago, and didn't learn is a flower until very recently. We don't have those in my country. But I do have some orchids growing in my backyard
WOW.
I JUST did the nasty breakup thing via long-distance (he's in NAmerica, I'm in Asia) and let me tell you this article was been a saviour!! I heart you Ms Walsh
I tolerated insensitivity for far too long and now I'm moving on! “Irrelevancy is the sweetest revenge” is my new mantra!!!
♥ the article
:):)
PS this is like our 3rd official breakup, pray I'm strong enough not to break :$
Hey, TaliaS, nice to meet you, thanks so much for coming by and leaving a comment. I'm so glad you could relate to this post. If this is your 3rd breakup, you clearly feel ambivalent and are not over him. You do need to be strong, particularly if he is trying to talk you out of it. You can email me any time you're feeling tempted through the Contact page and I will give you a pep talk!
Great posts. It is always useful to read about such stuff to better understand girls. Thanks a lot for sharing that article. Hope you'll post more concerning relationship and so on.
Great posts. It is always useful to read about such stuff to better understand girls. Thanks a lot for sharing that article. Hope you'll post more concerning relationship and so on.