To Save Your Relationship, Try Doing Nothing
Woman Waiting by Pamela Galloway
“Decide what you want and then go get it.”
“You can be anything you want to be.”
“You get what you ask for in this life.”
“You’ll never know unless you try.”
These are some of the principles that have guided my own life. I’m a doer, a go-getter. I’m achievement oriented, though I’ll be the first to confess I am distractable and lack focus sometimes. We live in a time and a culture where we are expected to make things happen. The worst fate imaginable is to sit idly by and let your life happen to you without your active participation. Far better to be in charge of your own destiny in a world where all things are possible. These skills serve us well in many ways, and this approach often leads to success in school, work, networking, community, etc.
I suspect, however, that we are bringing our desire for quick, measurable results into our relationships, which is problematic. A list of action steps doesn’t work when you are negotiating a relationship with another person. Relationships are full of uncertainty, and it drives us crazy. When we aren’t sure where we stand, we want to take action to confirm or deny our best guess. We say, “I have to know, one way or the other,” and we push, so that we can fix it and get what we want sooner.
When we apply pressure in a relationship, we change the course of things by rushing them, and we lose the chance to know how things would have turned out on their own.
Here are some of the most important and valuable things we can do in relationships:
- Be silent.
- Wait and see.
- Be absent.
- Let go.
Often we can’t really have what we want until we have learned to do these things. If we are impatient and rush the process by taking action prematurely, our efforts will backfire, and we will only drive the other person away. Feelings develop and grow over time, not at the flick of a switch.
In the last week, I’ve heard from two different women asking, “What should I do?”
I. Chris made a plan to have brunch with Jeff on Sunday. She considers him a friend with potential. On Saturday morning she texted him to confirm, asking “Are we still on for tomorrow?” That afternoon, not having heard back, she left him a voicemail repeating the question. A few hours after that she reached me.
Chris: “I still haven’t heard back. When should I call again?”
Susan: “You shouldn’t.”
C: “Well, what should I do then?”
S: “Nothing.”
C: “What do you mean? I need to know whether I have plans or not!”
S: “Well, you believe that you do. You’ve already set aside the time for brunch.”
C: “But I want to know if he will come through, or if he is going to flake out on me.”
S: “You need to wait and see. If he comes through, you will have your date as planned. If he stands you up, then you will not speak to him again.”
C: “But I want to speak to him again.”
S: “You want him to like you. I understand that. But if he never followed through? What would you like to say to him?”
C: “Well I want us to go out! I want him to want to see me.”
Chris cannot do anything at all to guarantee that she will have her brunch date. But she has fallen into the trap of thinking that if she can force the brunch date, she will have proof that Jeff is interested.
What should she do? Nothing.
If he wants to see her, he will follow through. If he doesn’t follow through, he must not want to see her. She has no decision to make here, no strategy to devise. She must wait and see what happens next, and that’s very hard to do.
II. Charlotte and Nick hooked up most of last year at school. They’ve been good friends for a couple of years, and she’s fond of him, but they’re not dating. When the spring semester ended, Charlotte figured they would go their separate ways for the summer, and see where things stood in the fall. They haven’t talked much this summer, but recently Nick called her out on some photos he’s seen online of her with another guy. Charlotte felt that Nick was being unreasonable, since they had no agreement to be exclusive. Nick said that’s fine, but that he doesn’t want to have anything more to do with her. They talked for two hours, without really resolving the conflict.
C: “I want to contact Nick.”
S: “What do you want to say to him?”
C: “I don’t know, I just want to fix it, so we can go back to being good friends.”
S: “How can you fix it? It seems like you want different things from the relationship.”
C: “I told him that I think it’s best if we don’t hook up anymore, but that he’s important to me and I really want him to be in my life.”
S: “Sounds like he needs some time to think about it. Maybe by the fall you guys can try hanging out again, without the sex this time.”
C: “But I want it to be fine now.”
S: “Well, it sounds like Nick’s hurt and disappointed. You may not have done anything wrong, but you can see that there were feelings involved. You’ll just have to wait and see if he can go back to enjoying the friendship without the benefits. It can be difficult to put that genie back in the bottle.”
C: “Ugh, I don’t want to wait and see. I just want this to be OK.”
Charlotte and Nick were platonic friends who were attracted to each other, so they changed the relationship by starting to hook up. You could say they didn’t really work as platonic friends, because they each wanted more from the other. I’m sure they both wish they’d talked openly about their relationship months ago, before this misunderstanding could occur.
What should she do? Nothing.
There’s nothing new Charlotte can say to Nick at this point. She made a decision to hook up with someone else, and Nick was disappointed. He may feel differently when he’s had some time to think about their situation. Hopefully, they will have the opportunity to talk again. But that decision is up to Nick, and he needs time. Charlotte may also benefit from thinking over what Nick experienced, and how she would like things to move forward.
The odds for success in relationships will greatly improve if everyone can stop trying to make things happen. Let go. You don’t need a plan. You just need to live each day and see what happens.
Maybe Jeff is looking forward to seeing Chris, and wonders why she seems so anxious about the plan. Perhaps Nick will calm down once he’s had time to think.
The point is, neither Chris nor Charlotte can control the outcome by taking action. The only influence they can have is negative. Their best action plan is inaction.
Sometimes the answer to the question is “nothing.”
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Susan you're so right. In the past, every time I've tried to push a relationship or direct it the way I want, it's rarely worked out. Plus…you look desperate which is never an attractive quality.
Great post to remind people of that.
Thanks, Peach Tart! And you're right about desperation – one whiff of that and anyone, girl or guy, is out the door.
Far be it from me to agree with you, but I do.
If the guy doesn’t call, he’s a chicken s—t. Even if he called to say, hey, this isn’t good for me is better than nothing.
I believe we can’t tell anyone what’s good for them. We can only say what’s good for us. But, I believe we got to say it. I can tell you, if he doesn’t have the courtesy to call, you don’t want that in your life, for maybe a long time in your life, a discourteous person, who wants that? He’s a punk. Be glad he hasn’t called, he’s doing you a favor.
I always faced my decisions head first. And I got slapped. I’ve even changed my mind, but it was too late, she wouldn’t answer my calls after I said this wasn’t good for me, but I felt it is far better being fair.
And IF I was a father, and he did that to my little girl, I’d find him and whip his ass.
There is an old Chinese proverb. I’ll paraphrase. If you find an injured bird and take care of it, and then release it, if it comes back to you it’s yours. If it doesn’t, you never had to begin with. Or, some such thing, I don’t know, I’m no Kung Fu.
I love this – I believe this! I'm in a 'whats going on?!' situation right now, and even though I want to know where I stand, I don't want to rush things. Pleasant company, pleasant evenings, pleasant conversation – overanalysing would just ruin it!
Stargiz, welcome, thanks so much for commenting! You make a crucial point – it is so important to enjoy what we do have right now, rather than analyzing it against some higher expectation. Even if that didn't ruin it, you would have been to anxious and distracted to fully experience all that pleasant company. You are wise!
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