I’m Bummed, But I’m Thankful

Posted by Susan Walsh on Jul 20, 2009 in Personal Development |
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GratitudeMy life kind of sucks right now. Things haven’t really been breaking my way, and frankly, I’m tired of trying to stay positive. Also, a bunch of the people I love most aren’t loving life right now either. That’s almost worse – I know how to manage feeling discouraged, more or less, but I can’t make things better for other people. So I worry about them, and whether they will bounce back soon, or whether they are in for a long, hard slog.

Last night I took a bottle of wine out to my garden, and sat there feeling dejected and generally sorry for myself. I enjoyed the pity party, getting a little teary, sighing heavily. As miserable as I felt, I could hardly help but notice after a while the beautiful flowers, the lovely evening, the crispness of the Sauvignon Blanc. Some small feelings of thankfulness began to make their way into my brain. No matter how badly things are going, I know that I am fortunate. Very fortunate. That doesn’t mean that things don’t suck sometimes, but I acknowledge that it’s important to keep some perspective. It could be worse.

A friend once told me about what she called Jewish Shtetl Logic. Imagine that you could walk into a room filled with everyone you know, and put your troubles in the middle of the floor, along with everyone else’s. And you were given the choice of going home with any pile of troubles in the room, anyone else’s problems instead of your own. At the end of the day you would always choose your own. Because no matter how fed up we get with our own troubles, we don’t really covet a different set of troubles. I’ll stick with the devils I know. I know how to deal with them, sort of, and I’m scared of being handed someone else’s burdens. I guess that’s something to be thankful for. I’m thankful that I have my own particular set of problems, and that I cope pretty well most of the time.

Leo Babauta of ZenHabits.net has written about the power of gratitude to make us happy. He cites four main reasons why:

  • Because it reminds you of the positive things in your life.

It makes you happy about the people in your life, whether they’re loved ones or just a stranger you met who was kind to you in some ways.

  • Because it turns bad things into good things.

Having problems at work? Be grateful you have work. Be grateful you have challenges, and that life isn’t boring. Be grateful that you can learn from these challenges. Be thankful they make you a stronger person.

  • Because it reminds you of what’s important.

It’s hard to complain about the little things when you give thanks that your children are alive and healthy. It’s hard to get stressed out over paying bills when you are grateful there is a roof over your head.

  • Because it reminds you to thank others.

People like being appreciated for who they are and what they do. It costs you little, but makes someone else happy. And making someone else happy will make you happy.

This morning I decided to sit down and make a list of some things I feel grateful for. It was hard. Here’s how it went:

7:50 a.m.

  • I can’t think of anything.

7:55 a.m.

  • I don’t want to think of anything. I have a headache from drinking too much wine last night. I have nothing to be thankful for.

10:00 a.m.

  • OK, I am grateful that I don’t need the seat belt extender on an airplane.

10:25 a.m.

  • I am grateful that I don’t suffer from hyperhydrosis.
  • I am grateful that I will never have to take Viagra.

10:40 a.m.

  • I am grateful that my dogs love me the same amount (a lot) every single day.

10:55 a.m.

  • I am grateful that my headache is probably not a brain tumor.
  • I am grateful that I am healthy (as far as I know, and ignorance is bliss).

1:15 p.m.

  • I am grateful that when my son calls me, he always says “Love you” instead of “Bye.”
  • I’m glad I can eat cheese every day.
  • I am happy that my daughter likes my company enough to cheer me up by taking me out for frozen yogurt.
  • I love living near Boston’s Citgo sign in the shadow of Fenway Park.
  • I have really good friends. I think they would miss me if I died.

1:50 p.m.

  • My husband still thinks that I am beautiful and desirable.
  • My life is never boring. It is full of challenges that make me work hard and figure stuff out.
  • Books. I am very grateful for books. I love the tactile experience of holding a book in my hand and reading it, every single day.
  • I’m relieved that my daughter got her father’s long, lean legs rather than the chubby Walsh thighs.
  • I’m grateful that my chubby legs work. I feel good that I can hold my own in very tough spinning classes at the gym.
  • I am thankful for Sunday nights on HBO.

2:10 p.m.

  • I’m grateful that no matter how bad the economy gets, I will still have a roof over my head.
  • I love the readers of my blog. I’m grateful for your encouragement, your enthusiasm, and your trust. And your criticism, too.
  • I am thankful that Haas avocados are shipped to the east coast from California.
  • I am grateful that I grew up in a family that regards humor as the solution to feeling better in times of crisis.
  • I am thankful to be alive, duh!

Looking over this list, I realize that it’s not things going our way that make us grateful in the long run. It’s not the specific milestones and achievements that bring about lasting gratitude. It’s the things we have in our lives day in and day out, things we tend to take for granted. I suspect that the most ungrateful people are the unhappiest. I’m not getting what I want right now, but I do have a great deal to be thankful for.

Maybe you don’t have the relationship that you want. Maybe you hate your job. Cultivating gratitude may not get you those things any sooner, but it makes the wait a lot more bearable if you consider yourself fortunate. Because you are.

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  • Today is always a hard day for me, and so I needed this today. I have been in the midst of such a pity party lately that I am expecting Paris Hilton to show up any minute and start dancing on my dining room table. There seems to be no light at the end of the proverbial tunnel and I just want to catch a break. I think this post and the one on gratitude really go hand in hand for me today. My life really isn't all that bad, but focusing on the negative just makes it "seem" all that much worse.

    Rebekah
  • susanawalsh
    I agree that focusing on the negative makes things worse - the trouble is, it's so much easier than forcing yourself to feel positive or hopeful. It's like being bummed is the emotional default, and getting out of that funk requires tons of effort and self-talk. You know I'm one who likes to indulge in self-pity, but even I can see sometimes that my sulking is only making things worse.
  • Decoybetty
    I used to canvass - going house to house asking people for money - and we had a quota that we had to raise every night or they'd fire us (no pressure). So anyway, at the beginning of the night my voice always had a tinge of desperation to it. "GIVE ME MONEY OR I'LL LOSE MY JOB" but as soon as one person gave just a little and the desperation left my voice -- I rocked out. I feel like a case of the blues is kind of the same way. you just need one thing to make things a little brighter and then it avalanches into awesomeness...

    Like Barney (from how I met your mother...not the dinosaur - gawd, that'd be awkward) says "Whenever I feel sick, I just feel awesome instead...true story"

    Le sigh. If only it were that easy, right?
  • susanawalsh
    Decoybetty, I am always struck by how wise you are for such a young woman. I love the idea of things avalanching into awesomeness....You're right - sometimes a little encouragement really goes a long way - carrying us from desperate to rocking out! I also love the Barney quote - but I can actually imagine the purple dinosaur saying that, haha. Barney was new on the scene when my kids were little, and I always jumped up to turn off the TV when Sesame Street ended - couldn't take Barney at all!
  • Jacqui
    I am thankful that you wrote this post today. Literally two hours ago, I was complaining to my best friend about how boring my life is. My life actually isn't boring at all. I have a great job, amazing friends and family, and a very active social life. The only thing missing is "the one". I can't access your blog while I'm at work (BOO!), so after I hung up the phone with my friend, I stopped by to check out your new posts. Your last message at the end was exactly what I needed to get me out of my funk!! Hopefully he'll come around soon, but once I meet him it'll be well worth the wait!!
  • susanawalsh
    Jacqui, thank you so much for leaving a comment! They are the lifeblood of blogging!

    Re "the one", it will be worth the wait. You are much more likely to meet him, and realize his worth, if you stay positive. I can't even imagine how many opportunities I missed in my life because my attitude was poor and I was not open. I believe that when we are positive and grateful, we radiate that good feeling. When we are focusing on lack, we radiate that too, and it drives people away.

    It takes constant practice. Today, just one day after writing this post, I said to my daughter, "You need new shoes, all your shoes are ugly." She replied, "What the hell? Stop being so mean! Take it out on someone else!" She was right. But she was also happy to go shoe shopping....
  • megslife
    I think this is exactly what I have been dealing with since I found out one of my sisters was getting married and the other was having a baby and I had no idea what to do with my life (both younger sisters). It sent me into a funk and I kind of let a lot of things go. It's funny, though, the second I started being positive and taking control of my life again it was like the sun came out. Yes, I still often feel the need for pity and strangely have this hollow pit like something is missing in my life, but for the most part I like to my life and the fog is lifting. It is nice to know that you do come out on the other side. We all will get through these funks. I think everyone needs the pity party and the funks to come out a better person. It is like cleaning out your closets and getting rid of all the stuff that is holding you back. It takes a while to go through everything, but at the end of the cleanse you are a new and better person. It takes lots of wine and many nights feeling just down, but in the end we are all better for it and that is something to be thankful for.
  • susanawalsh
    Meg, I like the closet metaphor! And also the idea that the process, the "cleanse" is something to be thankful for. Pity parties are only to be used sparingly, but I'm grateful for them on occasion.
  • ThePeachTart
    Susan this was a much needed post for me. I recently had a birthday and I've been in a funk myself and so have so many of my life coaching clients and friends. It seems everywhere I look, someone is dealing with some hard knocks. When I start with my pity party I have also been listing all the things I'm grateful for and it does seem to help. It really just comes down to thinking a little better thought and then a little better thought and then a little better thought until I feel better.
  • susanawalsh
    Hey, Peach Tart, that's good to know. I wrote my list today, and here it is the evening, and I'm feeling pretty down again. There's no magic at work here. Maybe it's just little steps, a little better thought, one at a time, is the way to go. I do firmly believe that we can't really be joyous until we've known pain. Life is all about the contrasts - if you want the really high highs, you've gotta have the lows as well, I think.
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