The New Double Standard Being Used Against Women
There’s a new double-standard being applied to women in relationships, and it’s even more insidious than Studs. vs. Sluts. A favorite tactic of young men when 
questioned about their questionable behavior is to accuse the self-respecting woman of being a PSYCHO.
I’ll be the first to admit I’m not a licensed psychologist. I may dish out a lot of advice, but I’m generally careful about telling people to check themselves in for a Girl, Interrupted vacation. Apparently, however, many young men have been working hard to earn their PhuckingDouchebag degrees and feel qualified to give women the troubling diagnosis that they have issues, are crazy, or even certifiably insane. A popular added dramatic touch is to follow with the confession that “You’re freaking me out.”
What is the outrageous behavior prompting such dire prognoses? Here’s a real-life sample of questions from readers that have understandably made men feel viciously attacked, requiring the strongest possible response:
“I’m confused by the mixed messages you’re sending. Are we together or not?”
“If you like me so much, why were you just making out with her in the other room?”
“We just broke up, is it really necessary for you to hook up with that random girl in front of me?”
“I found out that you cheated on me.”
“I’m surprised to hear from you after the way we left things. What do you want from me?”
“Why are you avoiding me?”
I’ve done a little research from the comfort of my armchair, and would like to share a few of the most common mental disorders with you. Many of these are characterized by an inability to sustain committed, healthy relationships.
See if someone you know meets any of the following descriptions:
Antisocial Personality Disorder
Demonstrated deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying or conning others for personal profit or pleasure. Also characterized by impulsivity or failure to plan ahead, irritability and aggressiveness, and consistent irresponsibility. Displays lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Individuals with this disorder may have difficulty achieving emotional intimacy in romantic relationships. They may seek to control their partner through emotional manipulation or seductiveness. They crave novelty, stimulation, and excitement and have a tendency to become bored with their usual routine.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Narcissistic personality disorder is a condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, need for admiration, extreme self-involvement, and lack of empathy for others. Individuals with this disorder are usually arrogantly self-assured and confident.
Oppositional Defiant Disorder
Exhibits a pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behavior. Often loses temper, deliberately annoys people and blames others for mistakes or misbehavior.
Paranoid Personality Disorder
Characterized by excessive distrust and suspiciousness of others. Individuals with this disorder are generally difficult to get along with and often have problems with close relationships because of their excessive suspiciousness and hostility. They are often rigid, critical of others, and unable to collaborate, although they have great difficulty accepting criticism themselves.
Schizoid Personality Disorder
Characterized by excessive detachment from social relationships and a restricted range of expression of emotions in interpersonal settings. Individuals with this disorder may have particular difficulty expressing anger, which contributes to the impression that they lack emotion. Their lives sometimes seem directionless, and they appear to drift in their goals.
Simplistic? Yes, but you get my point.
Don’t let anyone tell you you’re crazy just because you refuse to take their crap. Asking a perfectly reasonable question in an effort to clarify someone’s intentions and understand their behavior is not “making drama.” Getting angry with someone for treating you poorly is justifiable.
The truth is, if you’re spending time with someone who calls you crazy, you have all the information you need about his intentions. Time to peace out. As Gigi said, you’re a lot closer to getting a healthy relationship than he is.
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This is a timely post because I've recently been trying to decide if I am going “lay some crazy” out for the guy I am dating. Which isn't so much crazy as some fears (some legitimate some slightly less so) and concerns I have about where we're going…But I am totally afraid he is going to be like “enough with your psycho babble get out of my house!”
I let it out a little to soon. I need to work on letting it out slower. My friends call it keeping your cards close to your chest. I am just one of those people who can't keep my mouth from spilling what is in my head sometime.
My favorite response to me asking what are we doing is why can't you just be in the moment. You know I think it is important to be in the moment but if I'm going to let you see me naked I have to know if this is going somewhere. Is this crazy? I don't think so.
This post is also timely for me as I recently sent out an evite to pretty much everyone in my address book who is in the NYC area for a fundraiser. The person who responded and it was a no was the idiot I um undated (dated but he didn't want to call it this). I just thought it was funny because of all the guys I sent it to he was the last person I expected to get a response from. He basically told me I was one of the most awful people in the world. Anyways talk about crazy…. His decline was surprisingly nice. I don't know why this has thrown me.
What I have found is that if the person is on the same page as you (I think Mr. Slurpee is) then it is just a matter of time till one of you brings up these fears. It is just a question of who does it first and it is usually the girl. I mean he picked you up from the airport that just begs you to spill some crazy about what is going on with you two.
I bet he won't! And if you have concerns about where you're going, it's entirely possible that you'll express them and receive reassurance. Either way, you're both better off knowing what the other is thinking. Also, good self-awareness there – you already know some of your fears may not be 100% legit.
Meg, it can be hard to keep one's mouth shut. When in doubt, say nothing! When you feel sure that clarification is required, then always go for it.
Re “in the moment,” ugh, that makes me crazy. Guys also love to “play it by ear.” The woman says, “I don't want to share my body with someone who is not committed to me.” The guy says, “Why don't we play it by ear, and see how it goes?” Meanwhile, he's on the lookout for new opportunities.
Interesting that your un-ex responded so politely. I can see why that threw you – you wonder if it's possible he is a nicer guy than you thought? Has he changed? Probably not, but that's disconcerting. To give credit where it's due, though, a polite decline beats no RSVP or even a rude response, right?
Aarrrggghh, I hoped it was Mr. Slurpee! OK, gotta go right to your blog and catch up. Yay.
From a guys perspective, my ex laid some crazy rant on me years ago. I think she was frustrated (justifiably so) and simply vented. At the time was thinking (crzy btch) but looking back I think she was just being real. Her emotions spilled out. The men are from mars women are from venus crap is true, in that men and women just communicate differently. Women can make love and cry, you can piss them off and they cry, they can laugh cry or movie cry and cry cry. I mean holy crap, men rarely cry. We do however, excell at laughing at women when they cry. We laugh at men if they cry (death and disaster excluded of course). Watch boys play with boys. They rarely cry. They tease and throw things and play jokes. They don't relate or communicate the way girls do. These childhood relationship lessons spill over into the adult world and even though the boys are men, they simply don't understand women. So don't worry about being psycho, we probably deserve it, and just remember, just because you are called a crazy psycho bitch, doesn't necessarily mean you are one. It just means that you sure appeared to be one for a few seconds. Nothing wrong with that is there? So my suggestion is to shake off the label and let it fly.
From a guys perspective, my ex laid some crazy rant on me years ago. I think she was frustrated (justifiably so) and simply vented. At the time was thinking (crzy btch) but looking back I think she was just being real. Her emotions spilled out. The men are from mars women are from venus crap is true, in that men and women just communicate differently. Women can make love and cry, you can piss them off and they cry, they can laugh cry or movie cry and cry cry. I mean holy crap, men rarely cry. We do however, excell at laughing at women when they cry. We laugh at men if they cry (death and disaster excluded of course). Watch boys play with boys. They rarely cry. They tease and throw things and play jokes. They don't relate or communicate the way girls do. These childhood relationship lessons spill over into the adult world and even though the boys are men, they simply don't understand women. So don't worry about being psycho, we probably deserve it, and just remember, just because you are called a crazy psycho bitch, doesn't necessarily mean you are one. It just means that you sure appeared to be one for a few seconds. Nothing wrong with that is there? So my suggestion is to shake off the label and let it fly.
Hey, Psycho Male, first, thanks for commenting, I really appreciate your honesty. Second, you get major bonus points for your pseudonym, haha. Everything you say is true, and the Mars and Venus stuff really does make sense. But I do think the “crazy bitch” stuff has been stepped up a notch. In the No Strings world of hooking up, a woman's attempt to rein in a guy's freedom is often greeted with accusations of her being unreasonable and insane. Which is a bit different than strife within an established couple. The word crazy gets thrown around A LOT. I hear this complaint from women constantly!
Still, I think you may be right. My itty bitty blog post isn't going to change a thing, so shaking it off is excellent advice.
This is much worse than anyone can imagine. Perhaps as many as 1:4 people suffer from undiagnosed mental illnesses. It affects every aspect of their lives & interactions too. They even make crazy stuff up too:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/12-famous-video-gam...
But seriously? Everyone's affected. It's the folks that imagine themselves in the role of 'rescuer' (or who indeed by necessity play the role of a caretaker), who bear the most burden of keeping up year after year. Cheers, 'VJ'
Hey we've all got practical labels to arm ourselves with, simple fallacies of logic that work when the situation requires it. its just a defense mechanism, not a widespread conspiracy. And these days “psycho” is just the new bad-bad buzzword that chicks can't stand; it used to be “bitch” (ooo, saying that was like walking into a minefield), and before that god knows, “strumpet” or something.
Anyway, I do agree that men will probably pull out this joker card more often than not, its easier than making the effort of actually biting the bullet and dealing with an uncomfortable topic. But hey, i guess that means it works and effectively wins the argument. But everyone's got their own devious devices, their own ammunition. As the sneaker pimps said: “Love is just a blood sport”.
Hey, thanks for commenting! I totally agree, “psycho” is the new “bitch.” It's worse, though, because it implies instability and irrationality. If I'm a bitch, I know I'm pissing you off, that's fine. But if you call me a psycho, you're telling me my feelings are 100% invalid, and that I'm ruining your night needlessly with my craziness. It's a more extreme put down, and humiliates by design.
You make a really good point though – it does work to win the argument. Women get called crazy, and more often than not, they back down, at least temporarily. Hence my post.
Yeah i guess that kind of implication stings more than just being “bitchy”; but i think you're taking it too literal. Psycho doesn't mean “i think you have a pathological disorder”, its more like saying, “Wow, too much input, too much emotional outburst, too little rationality” – to me, psycho in this context is more like saying, 'you're being over-emotional' or 'you're blowing things out of proportion'. But that's just my experience and I haven't thrown the term around lightly at all, i grew up with a bipolar mother. If i really thought a girl were psychotic i'd have a very different approach to talking about it, maybe from behind a bulletproof window or something :p
I absolutely agree that “crazy” is the new “bitch.” In my last relationship, my now ex-boyfriend and I spent a large portion of it long-distance. At his request I traveled halfway across the country to visit him. He cold-shouldered me the entire time — both to my discomfort and to the discomfort of his friends, who clearly sensed that there was a problem — and when I (gently, quietly, in private) called him out on it, he informed me that I was a.) wrong, b.) unreasonable, and c.) “too attached.”
Afterwards, as a result, I went to utterly absurd lengths to conceal my growing concerns in order to avoid being labeled as crazy (or too possessive, or too sensitive, or whatever.) So we stayed together for far too long. The takeaway lesson for me? If he says he thinks you're crazy and you're pretty sure you're not, get out.
An important corollary to this point is that I don't for a minute believe that most men who call women crazy actually believe that they are. Sometimes I can see Psycho Male's point, that a momentary outburst can look pretty wiggy. But in the vast majority of these situations that I've seen or been in, the guy uses “crazy” to absolve himself of his own responsibility for the situation. It's WAY easier to attack someone who's criticizing you than it is to admit that maybe she has a point.
Angharad, nice to meet you, thanks for leaving a comment. I agree that it is about laying the blame elsewhere. I think the reason it is so effective is that, as you say, calling out a guy in a public place can look pretty wiggy. Women do get a bad rap for being too emotional, but there's no question that we're more emotional that most guys are.
Also, that's not the first story I've heard of a woman being invited for a visit, only to be treated poorly once she got there. I don't get it – what was in it for him? You were so right to raise your concerns, and I'm sorry his response made you feel you had to keep those feelings to yourself afterwards. It is important to step back and say, “Hey, this is a reasonable question. I have a right to know how you feel about me. Yes or no, we're both better off if this is on the table.”
I think the reason it comes out as a rant is because we've (read as “I've”) been holding it in for so long trying not to be “that girl” the one who has demands and needs.
And aren't these demands and needs generally that we want to spend more time with you, men? That we like you so much that we want to be more in your life (on an aside, this isn't what I am going to man up and talk to the guy I am dating about so no one get excited)…And you're calling us crazy for it?!
Well, then maybe we are.
Ah, the asides are always the best part. Yes, I agree that ranting is born of complete and total frustration. When you're at the point where you say, “This is driving me crazy, I have to know!” So yes, there's a little craziness implied.
It's true that we don't go off on someone we don't care about – we're chasing down the facts because we're emotionally invested. Someone has to be the first one to lay it out, I guess it's just whoever cracks first. But so many guys are relationship-averse. They'll never crack, don't even want to have the convo. That is NOT Mr. Slurpee, IMHO.
Angarhad's point is well put. I don't disagree with her at all. I would recommend getting out of any relationship where this was more than a one time/occasional deal. Anyone who is calling someone insulting or demeaning names in any setting needs to be confronted. It's not respectful, it's hateful and not appropriate for any healthy relationship. This goes for women as well as men. Would you call your son, daughter or mother asshole, psycho, crazy, douche, fag, bitch etc etc on a regular basis? Of course not. Nobody deserves that and that behavior is abusive in my book. It just ain't right.
I have had the crazy card played on me a couple of times, and it has always been a way of manipulating, and passing the buck. It was in no way the new replacement for “bitch”, but meant to get you to question yourself, and hopefully end up accepting their behavior as acceptable, if you fall for it. I agree, when this crap is used on you, it is time to head for the hills in full speed.
Yes, passing the buck certainly seems to be the recurring theme here. Labeling someone crazy is very manipulative, but it's also pretty obvious. If women can stop and think, “Wait, no, I'm not crazy, my concerns are legit,” then perhaps guys will no longer find it effective. anominous is right on that score.
Heh… Ok, I can speak authoritatively on this one. I actually broke up with a girl in a psychologist's office once. She was crazy. Bat-shit, institutionalizably crazy. I caught a glimpse of it the first time I met her family — they were all crazy. We dated for only a few months, and I had said all along that I didn't want to settle down, get married, or even commit to a long term thing. It was college, it was fun, the sex was good, and that's all I wanted. I told her, explicitly and often that that's all I wanted, and even encouraged her to find someone else if she wasn't ok with it.
I started hearing rumors among my friends and hers that we were engaged. She introduced me once as her fiance. She picked out a baby's name. Oh, yeah… I found out later, she was infertile from endometriosis. After she started all that nonsense, I tried to break up with her. She simply didn't accept it! She just kept going on as if I hadn't just told her I didn't want to see her again. I tried to break up with her three or four times. She'd just say, “I see you're upset. We'll talk about this tomorrow,” and that'd be that. Then she started telling my friends that I was forcing her to stay in the relationship against her will. Then she started telling her friends that I was mentally abusing her. So, when I agreed to go to the psychologist with her, it was pretty much my last ditch effort to get someone besides me to tell her that she was being completely crazy!
Oh, and she was institutionalized for a few months shortly after the office break-up. So, anyway, THAT's an example of crazy, in case anyone was wondering.
hanbydambit, you sound like the one who was crazy. Why where you hanging with his girl if you didn't like her? Just using her for sex? 'Why did you get involved with this girl? Jeez!
Yeah, that's pretty scary irrational behavior. Sounds like the kind of situation that leads to a restraining order being issued.
Also, she was crazy, in my opinion, to even have sex with you if she wanted more and knew you didn't. I don't know if she thought you'd come around, or that her antics would entrap you, but if women stopped acting cool with these FWB arrangements when they're not, a great deal of heartache would be avoided.
Kate, hey, thanks for commenting. I wish hambydammit's approach were not the norm, but it is very common, even typical. The problem here is that he made it clear he just wanted fun/sex, and she went along with it. He wanted what most young guys want, and he was honest about it. Women have to start learning to say “That's just not good enough for me” if they want to be treated differently.
Kate, I was only with her for about four months. She seemed normal enough when I started dating her, and didn't really put the full crazy on until about three months in. I'm not the kind of guy to dump a girl who's having a bad week or particularly bad PMS, so I hung in there for about a month until it became clear that she really was nuts.
Also, like I said, I told her early and often that I didn't want marriage or even serious commitment. I was in college, renting a place, and had no idea if I wanted to even stay in the same city after college. From the get-go, she had everything she needed to know that I was in it for companionship and sex.
Susan, you're right on the money. After she started talking about engagement, it became clear to me that she thought I would come around.
Kate, I wonder: What is a guy supposed to do if he tells a girl, in as many words, that he is not going to marry her, and that he's with her because he wants a short term fling, and she says that's fine with her? Should I have not believed her because “all women want a relationship”? That's clearly not true. I've had short term flings with women who ran for the hills the moment *I mentioned* commitment. All a guy can do is believe the words that come out of a girl's mouth.
Whose fault is it if I told the truth about what I wanted and she lied?
Hamby, I totally get where you're coming from. It sounds to me like you did everything you could to make your intentions clear. If you've been up front, you're right, you really only do have her word to go on. Plenty of women are down for short-term flings, and to assume that she wanted a relationship in spite of what she was telling you would have been presumptuous.
And personally, for me, that communication really the biggest deal: I didn't like being called crazy by someone who clearly didn't know what he wanted, and didn't know what he wanted ME to want. But if everybody's being straightforward, I don't see the problem.
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God Bless,
Sally Rodgers
Too many men throw the word about: “She's psycho!” “My/His ex is psycho.” I hear it so frequently that I've decided they use it when they want to blame the other person in their relationship and not divulge their part in a relationship's demise.
Came over here from the Peach Tart. I'm glad she recommended you.
Ah yes, the pre-emptive “Psycho!” used to deflect attention from one's own shortcomings. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm watching a Road Runner cartoon, and Wily Coyote is pulling some crazy stunt. I just wish that in real life, the stick of dynamite blew up the bad guy. That would be karma!
Too many men throw the word about: “She's psycho!” “My/His ex is psycho.” I hear it so frequently that I've decided they use it when they want to blame the other person in their relationship and not divulge their part in a relationship's demise.
Came over here from the Peach Tart. I'm glad she recommended you.
Ah yes, the pre-emptive “Psycho!” used to deflect attention from one's own shortcomings. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm watching a Road Runner cartoon, and Wily Coyote is pulling some crazy stunt. I just wish that in real life, the stick of dynamite blew up the bad guy. That would be karma!
P.S. Love the Peach Tart.