Why Are You Worried About Your Number?

Why are women so worried about their “number” that they are using all kinds of creative ways to get off on a technicality? If women have earned the right to have sex whenever and with whomever they want to, then why are they reluctant to acknowledge those decisions by tallying them up? In the caveman days, men probably used chalk to make marks celebrating their conquests. Then came carving notches on the bedpost, and most recently, the Little Black Book. Women keeping track is a relatively new phenomenon. I have no idea what my real number is. Not one guy I’ve ever been involved with has asked, and I’ve never asked a man. If women want to keep track to celebrate, that’s one thing. But keeping track, and then trying to find ways to fudge the number so that it doesn’t get too high? What’s that about?

One thing it proves is that we’re still living the sexual double standard. Even if we feel OK about our sexual experiences, we worry that the guy that we fall for won’t like it. We’re probably right. Research shows that men prefer to be in relationships with women with limited sexual experience.

Here’s an excerpt from a recent askmen.com survey:

Q35: What is the maximum number of former partners you are comfortable with your girlfriend/wife having had?
35	38%	No more than 5	41%	39%	41%
	34%	No more than 10	33%	33%	30%
	13%	No more than 20	12%	14%	16%
	7%	None	8%	8%	6%
	5%	No more than 100	3%	3%	4%
	3%	No more than 50	3%	3%	3%

That’s a problem for the modern woman; 74% of men are uncomfortable with a number over 10. Many women still in college are at double that. Of course, the double standard cuts both ways; I recently wrote about women not wanting to date man-whores.

When a guy asks how many people you’ve slept with, you could choose to tell him you don’t know, you could tell him the truth, or you could lie. Usually women lie by understating the number, though it’s also true that virgins sometimes lie to seem more experienced. So why are women lying to themselves as well? Here are some glimpses of the debate:

An article at 20-nothings asks “Do you count sex halvsies?” The writer is asked by a friend whether the sex counts if you say after a minute of intercourse, “Wait, I don’t want to.” The writer has the following response:

“If it goes in and out — one time, two times, five times – condom, no condom, you can’t quite remember — it is intercourse. I don’t need to go all Webster New American regarding penetration and consent. Bottom line — P in V and you’ve racked up another notch on the bed post my friend. I get it — and if you’re sorry that happened then I’m sorry that happened, but you had sex. And much like you can’t be a sort of pregnant — you can’t sort of have sex. You’re welcome to lie about it so you don’t feel like whatever having sex you regret makes you feel like, but then you’re lying about it, so just know that and move on from there.”

She believes that 70% of women lie about their number by not counting “sort-of’s.”

Amelia at The Frisky wrote a piece (satire, I hope?) claiming that sexual encounters don’t count if:

1. It lasts less than ten seconds and no one finished.
2. You can’t remember it.
3. You didn’t give permission.
4. You really, really, really regret it.
5. You’re less than 51% sure that penetration occurred.
6. He had whiskey dick.
7. It happened in Vegas.

Last week, College Candy waded into the debate, publishing the viewpoints of individual staff:

“There are some that just shouldn’t count. Like the guy who couldn’t keep it up, or the one who left while I was sleeping and I wouldn’t recognize again if he was lying in my bed completely naked.”

“When you’re cuddling with your close guy friend and it just sort of happens.”

“When he drools all over your face and chin.”

“When you push him off and tell him to f*** off because you can tell it’s going to suck within seconds on any contact.”

“When you tell yourself that it doesn’t because he’s a jerk/stalker/cheater/overall write off.”

“If neither party remembers what happened, it doesn’t count.”

“When it only lasts 30 seconds.”

“When one of you quits and falls asleep halfway (or 1/4 of the way) through.”

“When he pisses the bed.”

“If he doesn’t orgasm, it doesn’t count.”

“When you wake up to find he strongly resembles (and smells like) swamp thing.”

“When your friends have to tell you that it happened/ exactly what happened.”

As an open-minded, reasonable person, here’s my judgment call on this question:

• P in V does indeed equal sex. So does P in A, don’t kid yourself about anal sex.
• Only consensual sex counts. Consent is tricky – some states, for example, hold that a woman cannot provide consent if she is intoxicated. If you believe you said yes, then you had sex.
• Doing everything BUT does not raise your total. Whether this is because of whiskey dick or some other reason, if it doesn’t get in there, you haven’t had sex.
• Your not having an orgasm is totally irrelevant. I think it’s fair to say that EVERY woman has had sex without an orgasm at least once. Or hundreds of times.
• His not having an orgasm is even more irrelevant. How good or crappy he turns out to be does not change the fact that you made a decision to have sex. You did it.

One creative woman I know decided that she didn’t want her number to go any higher this summer. So she only had sex with guys she’s already done. That’s fair and clever; I’ve got to give credit where it’s due! But I really don’t understand what difference it makes.

Bottom line: If you are worried about your number, you’re worried about how much sex you’re having. Either because it doesn’t feel right, or because you know you’ll be perceived as a sloot (add o’s as necessary) by guys with relationship potential. Either way, you should stop for a while, and see how that feels. If you’re not worried about your number, be safe, but have fun. That’s what your mothers and grandmothers fought the Sexual Revolution for.