Is Your Best Guy Friend Thinking of You With His Right Hand?
Dorbs BFF
“Joey: You waited too long and now you’re in ‘The Friend Zone’.
Ross: No, I’m not in the Zone.
Joey: Come on, Ross; you’re mayor of the Zone!”
Friends
I’m one of those cynics who thinks it is really, really difficult for guys and girls to maintain platonic friendships. I think it works best when:
- One or both of the people is in a serious relationship. That makes the terms non-negotiable, and prevents unrealistic expectations from developing.
- All parties are friends with each other.
- There is no romantic or sexual history between you.
- One or both of you is gay.
In many cases, strong platonic friendships outlast other relationships. Suddenly you find that sexual tension has somehow sprung up in your friendship with your favorite guy. You may be psyched about it, or at least curious. You may be dreading it, if you know that you absolutely do not want to go there. The question I always ask women in these situations is: “Would you like to see his penis?” Often the answer is “Um, hmm, maybe?” Sometimes it’s “Ew!” If it’s an enthusiastic yes, then you’re off and running and you hardly need my advice.
I don’t really buy that guys put real time and effort into cultivating platonic friendships with women. They only do that with women they hope to hook up with. Most guys have platonic friendships with women whether they want them or not, and they don’t really need to go winning over new women to be best buds with. Besides, guys rely very heavily on each other for friendship; the world of male friendships has always been homosocial.
The trickiest part is figuring out whether your relationship dynamic has really changed, and how. You sense a shift, but you wonder if you’re imagining things. I find that women tend to underestimate a guy’s interest in these situations in almost all cases. They will often continue to insist that a guy’s feelings are strictly platonic, even as he begins to pay them more and more attention.
It’s also true in my experience that women are usually the ones who worry about ruining the friendship. A guy will risk the friendship every time to fulfill the fantasy of having sex with you. He knows he’ll have to deal with the fallout, but it will be totally worth it, and he’ll think about that tomorrow. After all, we know which head his brain is in.
Here are the unmistakable signs that your guy friend has probably started thinking about you (a lot) when he gets busy with his right hand:
1. You hear from him more often.
- He seeks the role of primary contact when making group plans. He texts you to coordinate your friends meeting up with his friends.
- He initiates more random chats online, characterized by friendly banter.
- He may begin to suggest hanging out alone. It may still feel very platonic, but you notice that the two of you have gotten closer.
- In general, you sense that you’ve moved up on his list of priorities. He’s focusing on you more.
2. You become more aware of his physical presence.
- He’s touchy. Hugs, standing close by, with arms or shoulders touching. You find yourself sitting next to each other. Kisses on the forehead, cheeks, etc.
- He focuses on you specifically during conversation, and maintains eye contact.
- He seems to be putting more effort into his appearance or grooming. If you suddenly notice he’s wearing cologne or nicer clothes around you, you can be sure he’s trying to change your impression of him.
- There may be moments that feel awkward, where he seems nervous or you feel tension between you.
3. He begins to take more risks in your conversations.
- He demonstrates friendly affection by using nicknames and inside jokes.
- He stops talking to you about other girls.
- He asks that you make a pact: If you’re both unmarried by age 30, you’ll agree to marry each other.
- He lets you know that he thinks you’re a catch. When you complain about other dudes, he’ll mention that if he were your boyfriend he would never treat you that way, and that you deserve better.
- He’s always been a great shoulder to cry on. But if he’s getting interested in you, you’ll see signs of his patience wearing thin. He may act mad at you if he sees you go after another guy, although he’ll categorically deny it when you ask him if you’ve done something wrong.
- He becomes curious about what you like in a guy. He may ask you outright what you’re looking for, or he may ask you what you see in some douchebag you’ve got a crush on.
4. Other people see what you cannot.
- His friends make observations about the closeness of your friendship. Or they may ask you what the deal is.
- Your friends think he’s crushing on you, for sure.
- He may make “weird” or hostile comments, frustrated with his lack of progress, as he perceives you are keeping him in the friend zone through cluelessness or lack of interest.
Seriously, if you’re noticing some of these shifts in a friendship with a guy, you need to appreciate that he is taking risks and putting it out there. Whatever you do, don’t pretend it isn’t happening and hope that it will fizzle. It’s not your job to initiate a conversation about the relationship, but it is your job as a real friend not to run away from what’s happening between you. Deal with it. Stay honest and open. You just might find that you do want to see his penis.
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I've made the mistake of dating guy friends a couple of times. and that is just what it's been: a mistake. I've lost people really close to me. I am not saying I wouldn't do it again, but the truth is I'd rather not see their penises. I think i mostly just like the ease of it – they already have gotten to know me, I already trust them and I can tell when they like me which I like.
I do think that the sexual spark is the key ingredient when deciding whether to take the relationship to a new place. (Hence, the “Do you want to see his penis?”) If you're not feeling it, then it becomes FWB at best, a pity f**k at worst. I remember a post-sex moment with a dear friend – he started telling me about his father's funeral, kissing his father at the wake. If we'd never had sex, that conversation would have been something I would have handled really well, like a true friend. Because we were naked, I felt over-exposed, and in over my head. It ruined our friendship. I just couldn't take the vulnerability plus sex. I behaved very badly after that – used that horrible technique of driving him away with my bitchiness. It's one of the things I remember and regret many years later.
From a guy perspective, the whole platonic thing is a bunch of crap. We want to get into your pants unless you are super fat, super married or our boss (and we really want our job). “Super married”? This means a good solid marriage. Not super? How can you tell? The female is complaining about her spouse to her male “friend”. The danger for the spouse, or I guess both partners is that the male part will pounce if the female indicates dissatisfaction with her marriage. He may be a long time in pouncing, but he will do so eventually. The friendship turns into a “emotional affair” followed by the inevitable hookup. So boyz, if your wife has a friend since college or high school and is keeping in touch with them, guess what, it could easily turn into something more. I don't blame either male or female but it happens. I have seen it with co-workers and others.
Oooohhhhhkkkaaaaayyy, Sad Mail. I think I liked you better when you were Psycho Male. I buy it that basically guys want to get into everyone's pants. That's a given. But there's something sad and tawdry about a married person keeping a high school or college friend in reserve for decades, only to turn to them for a pathetic emotional affair at some point. It's just so predictable, so 25th reunion.
Also, friendship dynamics with the opposite sex are completely different once you're married. This post assumes that all parties are single and available to go with the flow. If you're married, and you're having an emotional affair, you need to tend to your relationship, obviously. Emotional affairs are dangerous territory. And by the way — the newest thing? Your avatar having an affair with another avatar in Second Life, or some other virtual world. I know of one marriage that ended when a wife caught her husband's avatar cheating.
i have a had a lot of married guy friends have a crush on me. I don't buy it that marriage changes things. Sigh. its hard being friends with the opposite (straight) sex.
Yeah I was going to comment on the age grade questions here, but I can't help from snickering a lot too.
“Emotional affairs are dangerous territory. And by the way — the newest thing? Your avatar having an affair with another avatar in Second Life, or some other virtual world. I know of one marriage that ended when a wife caught her husband's avatar cheating.”
OK Why? And how do you explain that to Gramps & Granny? Here's how that conversation went with 'Janey': 'Yes, I caught your precious little Phillip 'The Grand Pizer Wiz' canoodling with that little furry slut in 2nd life!' 'Again!' 'Why yes, they'll All sort of cartoons'. 'Umm, no, fluids were not exchanged'. 'No of course not, she lives in NZ, it's not like she can jump a cab & visit. No, they've never met!' 'What happened then?' 'Well she was splayed out on yes, our dream couch in this lovely fantastically huge bedroom, her tail between her legs wearing nothing but a come hither look, and then…' 'Why are you laughing?' 'No, this is a no fault divorce state & yes the court was sympathetic'. 'No I'm Not Crackers!'
Yeah. Like that. But on the larger topic. I've got to say for once you people have little imagination. Truly. I'm long happily married (again, once the 3 least common descriptors on the WWW), and I find myself doing most of the things mentioned in 1-2 regularly. And sometimes with 'Church ladies', well twice your age actually. And we Both enjoy the experience. (And no, at those ages, no one wants to see anything. Think beef jerky here people. No, really!) You know you're a sterling success when you can get some 80+ YO matron to tell you some of the dirtiest filthiest jokes she knows, tittering all the way. Or when you tell her she double dated with Grant & Sherman when they came through. Quality entertainment people!
So yeah. And I'm with DBetty here. For most of the time, this is the strict MO from most women, even if they're suspecting: “Whatever you do, don’t pretend it isn’t happening [But they DO!] and hope that it will fizzle.” Yeah. Number one answer here.
And so yes, “Also, friendship dynamics with the opposite sex are completely different once you're married”. It's just a bit more challenging & rewarding to flirt successfully. Even when Mrs. Crabapple last saw 'action' during the Korean conflict. It livens the old birds up. Whenever anyone asks a gaggle of the older crew with me 'what are you talking about?', I say instantly, 'Sex, misery & memory'. It always gets a good laugh & that about covers it.
Me? If I'm at a party even with the wife, I make a beeline for the most interesting people. Many times it's the 'other half' of a lesbian couple, and the wife gets a good chuckle out of that. 'You've hit another same sex couple, right?' So yeah. No shame in my game. It's all entertainment! Now that's the way to party til you drop people. Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ
I have several guy friends. A lot of them are not interested in dating they just like the attention having female friends.
renu, it sounds like you have great friendships with guys. I'm always happy to have people prove me wrong!
Here is the story!! I am MADLY IN LOVE with my best friend of 3yrs. We were just acquaintances until one night, I became a victim of rape. He went from being an acquaintance to being the only person there for me. Every single person called me a liar, told me I provoked it; including my family. He saw me through post traumatic stress disorder, severe depression, and my suspension from Syracuse University. He risked suspension by letting me move into his dorm room and crash on his futon for 4 months while I went to a community college out there. He gave me shelther, gave me food, paid for my transportaion, he took care of me and I never once asked him to. We literally became inseperable. Everyone would ask us if we were a couple, when we would say no people would say what are you guys waiting for. It's been 3 yrs since and I consider him my angel. He saved my life by being there for me in my time of need and never gave up on me.
He has done the most romantic things for me. I visited him in Boston for the 4th of july weekend and he took me whale watching during sunset, it was magnificant. The on our ride back to the harbor we saw the boston skyline nad fireworks going off in the background (AMAZING!!!). This year when I visited for his birthday weekend I already knew I was crushing hard so I amped up the flirtation by breaking the touch barrier. I pretended not to know how to bowl so he can stand behind me and show me. In the pool (wearing my very very small skimpy red bikini) I play fought with him kept trying to dunk him. He would pick me up and carry me around till he would dunk me. Then he surprised me again!! He blindfolded me, drove me to a secret location, walked me over to our destination, gave me this amazing speech about how he would go there to get away from his rough family life, how he went there and wished for someone that is AMAZING and that gets him, loves him, and would do anything for him. That's when he met me after he told me how amazing he thinks I am he took off the blindfold to revveal the boston skyline. We were standing on a boardwalk at 12am with no one around with this amazing view of the city. I was tearing because of everything he said and all I wanted to do was kiss him. Only one problem HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND!!!
It seems as though we are never single at the same time but it doesnt stop him from doing all these amazing things for me. I got drunk on Halloween and told him that I love him and that his girl is so lucky to have him because I would love to be with him. He told me that he loves me, misses spending every second with me, that he never knew I felt that way fro him. Then he changed the topic on me. We havent talked about it, we are pretending like it never happened. I have no idea if he feels the same way but everyone says he has done all that stuff because he loves me too!! HELP ME!!!!!!
Oh yeah, he loves you. No question. Wow, what a story. The boardwalk at midnight gave me goosebumps. The question is, WHY IS HE BEING SUCH AN IDIOT? The perfect girl for him is right under his nose!
I'm glad you told him how you feel, even if you were drunk
Obviously, you caught him by surprise, and he needs time to think. The fact that he is in a relationship means that he has an obligation – I'm sure you wouldn't have wanted him to go for it that night if it meant cheating.
Just sit tight, and give this some time. The connection you two have has lasted through a lot. Don't bring it up again. You guys may be pretending it never happened, but both of you know that it did. And I would definitely refrain from flirting, etc. The ball is definitely in his court.
This is SO intense. I wish you all the best.
I hope he does love me as more than just a best friend. I have caught him checking me out a few times and he has verbally told me he finds me attractive. When I was with my ex-bf he never asked about our relationship and when he did he would call him my “gf” because he was “a little sissy”. When we would have arguments he would tell me that he isnt worth it to leave him that I deserve better. When they met he barely talked to him, he just hung out in the background observing how we would interact and when I would go spend time with him my ex would hang back and watch how the 2 of us interacted hahah!! Very Awkward to say the least.
He used to tell me everything about every girl he has ever liked, he'd come to me for all types of girl advice. Now that he has a girlfriend I know absolutly nothing about her, what ever I do know comes from his roommate (our mutual best friend). He has told her that his best friend is a female and if she has a problem with that she can keep it moving because I will always be number one. She seems fine with it, in fact, she constantly raves about how much she wants to meet me. Some people think it's because she wants to see who she is up against… I don't know what to think.
Every time I visit him he tells her not to come up because it's best friend weekend and she isn't invited. When he visits the City (NYC) he will see me, lie by tell me he's there for a day, then spend the week with her in L.I. Why does he feel the need to lie to me? No clue!! Why does he feel the need to seperate her and I? No clue!! Now that he knows how I feel he WILL DEFINITLY not be mentioning her to me or make attempts for us to meet. :-/ From what I hear she is little Miss Perfect; she is beautiful, perfect body, used to model, plays softball, is intelligent, majoring in the same thing he is, funny, sweet, not jealous, cooks, gets along great with his family. She is PERFECT grrrr >:-)
But he tells everyone about me. When I meet his family for the first time I had people giving me enormous hugs like “So this is the one you are always talking about”, friends of the family, his friends, all the females he's ever talked to know about me. One time he took some girl to the beach at night, water crashing against the rocks, full moon, and instead of being all romantic with her he spent 3 hours telling her about me.
But he has never made a move, he barely even hugs me. We have slept in the same bed numerous of times and never once does he creep onto my side. He barely compliements me, but I have caught him checking me out. He always talks about his bathroom issues with me, like I'm one of the guys. We have sat there and he's checked out other girls (while I sit there agreeing or disagreeing with his selection). There are times he treats me like I am one of the guys. Now he does all this romantic stuff for me, he doesnt tell me about girls as much (not at all lately). I don't really know where he stands.
All I know is that I am in love with him. I have never loved someone as much as I do him. I would do anything for him, I hurt when he hurts, I cry when he cries. I have his initials tattooed on my back (yes he knows)!! I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I want to get married, have kids, and grow old with him. He's the one for me… I just hope that one day he will open up his big brown eyes, see what has always been in front of him, and takes the chance. I know he is afraid it will mess up the friendship because he had a little crush on one of his really really really close female friends (before we became close) he told her how he felt and their friendship fell apart. He may be scared it will happen again (but I already told him I have a monster crush on him all he needs to do is make the move).
Oh man! I want to go find him here in Boston and give him a kick in the butt! I hate, hate, hate it when the gf is “perfect.” I can see that you are very frustrated. Obvs, if he isn't talking to her about you and vice versa, he knows there's an emotional component that she wouldn't like. And now, of course, he knows you don't want to hear about her either.
It does sound, though, like he has you in the friend zone in a lot of ways. I have NO IDEA what to predict here. Keep me posted! Fingers crossed.
I will keep you posted
I'm fustrated only because I am impatient. I don't want to sit it out on the sidelines waiting for her to mess up so I get a chance to step in the game. Grr!! Maybe I should speed the process along and kidnap her, and ship her to China. I know thats horrible. I need to just see what happens and stop being so impatient. Hopefully, it works in my favor.
Despite how I may feel for him, I am his Best friend and therefore if she makes him happy I will grit my teeth, smile, and bear it.
That is truly the mark of a true friend. Just so you don't feel too badly, I want you to know that I keep a mental list of people I hope will get hit by a bus. No luck yet.
hahaha!! Hmm I'll rent a trolley and we can go kidnap the “perfect” gf and run over people along the way : )
So, As a male who stumbled upon this site, and wandered for some time, I thought I'd go ahead and give you more insight into the male world which has evolved as a result of this generation.
While this is all anecdotal, and I realize as a result of my own personal trends, it's liable to be a result of something about my own personality which leads me to often the same situations, I find it important to note that I'm aware that it's liable to be the case. However, I do believe that it does come quite contrary to what you may personally maintain, and perhaps is either a dated mentality, or a new, perhaps unusual mentality.
I have found over the years, that maintaining, and keeping female platonic relationships not only a damning expertise of mine, but to be the single-most frustrating portion of my personal love life, as well as the single best way to create a void within a person, emotionally. I do believe, that men are not only capable, but find it essential to cultivate platonic relationships with women.
My entire life, I have been oft-plagued by being a friend to anyone, but I noticed quickly that I took to being more understanding toward women than I ever did to men. (Before you even think it, I'm not gay.) This interest isn't merely sexual, although I could have potentially derived some sexual hopes one day, as a result of these friendships. I did find one common thread that brought me back to always seeking female friends: Emotional awareness.
As a male who is not only brutally aware of his emotions, but doesn't repress them (as we are promptly trained to do so.) actively, I found immediately that speaking with women was just more to my tastes, as women better understood me than most men did.
However, this yielded to the most difficult experience of my life, as well as the most fruitful, and painful relationship with any person I'd ever experienced in my life. A girl I met online during the days of Instant messaging being ever so popular, who lived in the same city (And attended the same schools as I) became incredibly close friends. To a point, we spoke daily, often for hours. I never have known a person as well as she, nor do I believe I ever will. (Lest I do actually get married.) She spoke to me of all the men she'd date, everything between them, ranging from attitudes, to the sex, to the things she loved about them. Granted, I fell for her long before, yet believed that I was deeply entrenched into the friend zone, and I aptly never was able to act upon it until nearly a decade later.
After having dating one of my closest friends several years before, and having more or less fallen from touch, we met at a non-profit event I organized, and by the end of the evening, cuddled and kissed for the first time. We became closer as a result, as we're speaking regularly again, yet it created an oddity in our relationship.
But, this situation is all to show that while being with her would have always been ideal, during our friendship, it was never, ever the motivating factor in my own actions. Often, we (men) will lie to each other, thinking that if you're there for her when she's with someone else, you'll be a ripe pick once that other guy messes it all up. And more over, you'll have the advantage of knowing what not to do! This is all a lie. Men may lie to themselves about it, but they're also befriending her because there's simply something that women offer us that men simply can't.
Our relationships among other men function in ways that require us to constantly maintain our status within other men: be this dating beautiful women, having regular sexual relations, benching the most weight, earning the most money, having the most power, knowing the most people. We, as men, are judged almost entirely by what we do, opposed to how we appear (Which seems to be the plague of women, unfortunately.) as thus, we propagate our own misfortune by maintaining these types of relationships amongst other men. However, women offer us a unique, and free platform by which we can grow without the limits of our male regulations.
Naturally, the first question which we would find ourselves asking, is why do these cycles proceed as they do, and how are they actually occurring in our world such that we don't see the evidence of these unique cycles? Naturally, when we're seeking out the woman we want to date, we're innately finding her to be the person wherein we can confide these excess needs, which allow us to better perform in front of the men with which we're associating. However, I find that more often (Again, purely anecdotal, and unsupported), gay men in particular, are drifting toward women and creating these relationships successfully. Much in what I had with my friend, until it evolved unexpectedly.
A major problem with us as men, biologically, is that yes, we're going to be seeing almost any platonic relationship shifting to something romantic or sexual to some extent with any woman we may find attractive. This is an unfortunate consequence of our biological wiring. Thankfully, with some measure of mental training and will, you can eliminate this to some extent, there are ever-present drifts. I remain unsure as to the total effectiveness of this system, but I believe that it yields a very unique male, different in approach toward women, and capable of executing a platonic relationship.
I apologize for the extraordinarily lengthy comment, and the complete lack of concrete or statistical evidence. I do, however, hope that you consider unique situations such as these, as they do often exist, and the perpetual-friend-zone male does exist, and he may become a much more prominent figure over the years, as men continue to break down the archaic structures we had in place over the previous centuries.
Rick, that is an AWESOME comment! I really appreciate your looking around my blog and taking the time to leave such a thoughtful description of your own experience. I love it that your evidence is anecdotal – I really like to hear from individuals about their own views and how they've developed. This is especially true for men, since I'm flying blind to some extent when I talk about what they want. As you have seen in this post. I can only describe what I have observed. I'm not privy to all the locker room talk, or what goes on in the male mind.
I think it is admirable that you have cultivated platonic friendships with women, and that you recognize the emotional awareness benefit. I agree with you here – I also happen to believe that men who are more emotionally available and astute make much better long-term partners. It can be hard finding the right person, because often women reward guys who keep them guessing, and a guy can stay stuck in the friend zone forever, being taken for granted. It sounds like you've had that experience when you describe your expertise as damning and frustrating. In these situations, it can help to assume a bit of that “bad boy” attitude and take control. Confessing your love to a good friend rarely works. I recently wrote a post about this:
How to Stop Falling for the Wrong People
http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2009/11/10/hookin...
I love it that you recently reconnected with that woman and had an opportunity to create some romance. I'm hoping for a happy ending!
You sound like a sensitive and mature man, deserving of a woman with those same qualities.
As promised, here is the most recent update. This weekend, after not speaking for some time due to our hectic schedules, my best friend hits me up to chat. He was on his way to visit his “perfect” girlfriend, but he wasn't pleased about it. He was telling me how he doesn't feel like dealing with her or people in general. He called it a phase, but because I understand him better than he does himself I was able to point out what the issue really is. He goes to school, is a part of a frat, organizes programs and fundraisers, and works two jobs. He rarely ever has time for himself and when he does his girlfriend is always around. He kind of just wants to have “him” time which is completely understandable. So I tell him that once he sees her he will be excited to be there. All he responded was “Doubt it”.
Naturally, once he told me all of that I decided it was best to give him some time and not contact him, especially since he was spending the weekend with her. The entire weekend he was texting me non-stop while he was with her. He texted while they were laying down watching t.v and when they were hanging out with her friends. He even texted me when they went on a dinner date, at a restaurant he took me to in Boston. He kept telling me how much the place brought back those memories of our fun filled weekend together with two of our other good friends.
Those are good signs, right? He is with her , yet texting me about things that remind him of previous things we've done. That means he is thinking about me while he is with her. That's good, right? I got really excited thinking there may be hope for me after all but I don't want to read to much into it.
alkdfj;alkdj;alkdas yes he is clearly thinking of you all the time. Any reasonable person would say, surely he will dump her soon and show up at your front door telling you that you're the one. However, WHO KNOWS! Actions count louder than words, including all those text words. You are very smart, though, in the way that you are handling it. Nicely done. Keep up just what you are doing, not saying anything bad about the gf, or anything intended to sway him. He knows how you feel, perhaps he needs a bit of time to extricate himself. You will know soon, I think. P.S. Check out yesterday's post on Falling for Someone Who is Taken. It's not exactly like your situation, but some of the advice definitely applies. Good luck!
You were right he does like me as more than just a best friend. Today , we were talking and he randomly asked me if I ever thought about what it would be like if him and I were in a relationship? I told that we have everything that people search for in a partner. When I asked him if he has ever thought about it? He responded with “Yes I have thought about it. Some times I wonder why we never got together since we are so close, we are so much alike, and we understand each other better than anyone else possibly could.” He went on to tell me that he wanted to kiss me on our whale watching trip. He said that he planned that trip thinking it would give him the opportunity and set the mood to do so but he couldn't because I had a boyfriend at the time and he didn't think I liked him. He was afraid he'd ruin our friendship. I told him I felt the same way. I wanted to kiss him then too but punked out because I figured he was not interested in me. We talked for a while about it how we were scared we would lose each other.
I am currently smiling from EAR TO EAR. I haven't been able to stop in fact I think my face is stuck like this hehehe!! We eventually changed the subject and kept conversation going. I don't know what is going to happen next. He is still with his girlfriend and he doesn't have the heart to cheat (nor would I let him). I do not know where this is going to go but I hope now that it is in the open that we both have feelings for each other we can progress to more. I am not pressuring him into making a decision. I want him to figure things out for himself, wether he decides to stay with her or try us out I will be here for him no matter what.
Aw, I love hearing how happy you are! That is truly the best feeling in the world. You are so awesome, willing to be patient, and giving him time and space to figure it out. I do believe you will get what you want in the end, because based on what he has said to you, he does not love her. And he does love you! YAY! Thank you so much for letting me know. I do love a happy ending, so if you two wind up together and you are not a confused chocolate chip anymore, I hope you will post it! xoxox
I met my platonic best friend my freshman year of highschool. We're currently juniors in college now, so it's been a solid seven years. We were friends in highschool, but it wasn't until we moved away to college that we became extremely close (we coincedentally went to the same university). We were both in long-term-dysfunctional relationships with people that did not go to our university or any college for that matter. We were both very lonely living in the dorms and relied heavily on each other for a shoulder to lean on.
I'm going to preface this paragraph by stating how completely oblvious I was to our perfect, platonic relationship. I was completely engaged in my loser boyfriend and wasn't physically attracted to my best friend- so the thought of loving him absolutely never crossed my mind. Looking back, I can't believe I let such a beautiful, budding, romantic relationship slip by.
My best friend and I ate lunch together on campus daily. We went to the gym together. We smoked cigarettes (we have both since quit) for hours bitching to each other about our significant others (I know I know, I'm such an idiot for not realizing). He took me to a baseball game. We even got caught in the rain together walking home from class…
One summer, we were both (well, all if you include both of our significant others) back in our hometown for the summer break (by the way, the four of us were friends together). I got a call from my best friend, and he said he desperately needed to be picked up from the side of the road… Of course I couldn't leave him hanging, so naturally I drove to pick him up and take him home. It turns out he had just gotten in a serious argument with his girlfriend and they “broke up”. I listened to him the whole way to his house, and when we got there I said a “see you later” kinda thing. He insisted that I come in and have tea with him since I had no other plans. I agreed, and I continued to listen.
Out of the blue, he leaned in to kiss me. I pulled away, A) because I had a boyfriend and B) I viewed him as a brother… we had never actually touched each other (ie: had never hugged or anything). He smiled, was very cool about it and continued to “tease me”, saying things like, “Really? Why don't you try kissing me? I've known you forever, I just want to know what your kisses are like” Suddenly, flashbacks of lunch dates, laughing hysterically, complaining about our sigo's and getting caught in the rain flooded my mind. His remarks certainly didn't help, and next thing I knew we were kissing very passionately.
I made sure that all we did was kiss. I finally had the strength to stand up, exhale, and get the hell out of there. Since that day, this boy has me on a chain. To sum up a lengthy story, he got back together with his crazy ex and I maintained my off and on relationship with my crazy boyfriend. I ended up leaving the university and moving home to go to a community college, so our best friendship was sort of put on the backburner. However, when we'd see each other at parties or whatever we would both light up. One time, while drunk unfortunately, we snuck away to talk and ended up kissing again (JUST KISSING!). He refuses to give me any sign of affection except these random make-out-sessions, but it's always after he pours his heart out or complains about this girl. Besides, the fact that it's kissing and not going anywhere else leads me to believe it's not “booty”. Plus, I would really hope that he wouldn't sacrifice all of our therapeutic hang out sessions just to get laid once or twice.
Finally, here's the end of the story. I've seen him a lot more recently than I have in awhile, and we're back to the whole 'we can totally hang out and it's not weird' thing. I finally got my joke of a boyfriend off my back, and I'm in much greater spirits without him. One night, I got super drunk with some of my OTHER guy friends (I really much prefer the company of guys to girls… always have) and admitted my crush. They thought it was hysterical, and I ended up calling my best friend and “proclaimed my love to him”. I turn bright red just thinking about it… OMG why would I do that…
Anyway, he now knows, for sure, that I love him. The day after proclaiming my love he invited me to a party. Half of me thinks, huh, maybe he's just trying to keep things on the cool side and continue being friends with me without making things awkward. The other part hopes and prays that he took my drunk dial seriously and may be trying to start some sort of relationship with me. I accepted the invite and brought along a girl friend so it wouldn't be as awkward. We played it cool around each other and conversed as we always would, but when we ended up back at his place my chick friend passed out and once alond we couldn't look each other in the eyes. He told me he broke up with his girlfriend that day… and I ended up passing out right next to him (though nothing happened).
This is such a long post- and I'm sorry. It does feel good getting it off my chest. I just need to know, does he love me too? If so, not that I give a shit at all about our exes, but they would probably murder us if they ever found out (they of course despised our closeness). Lastly, yes we've kissed but it's been brief and it's been a very long time. It's unfortunate because I imagine us finally admitting that we have feelings for one another, but after that I imagine it being incredibly weird and akward. Do we just… date? Kiss? Hold hands? Because he's such a great friend I have such a difficult time imagining us as anything more- but I want it. I feel like the best boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are when they're best friends. We know we're great friends, and he's hands down the best kisser I've ever kissed….
Emery, wow, what a story! I am so glad you shared it. I'll give you my impressions…
1. I LOVE friendship as a foundation for an intimate romantic relationship. It's awesome when a person that you would do anything for becomes something much more. Having both kinds of intimacy is the absolute best, and relatively rare I think.
2. I'm glad you liked kissing him! There is no question in my mind that one of the reasons you were so into it is because of what you feel for him. Any kind of physical contact is so much more intense when you're really feeling it emotionally.
3. It is impossible for me to know what he is feeling, but I think it's interesting that he broke up with his gf the very next day after you drunk dialed him. It doesn't seem likely to be a coincidence.
4. I love it that you told him what you were feeling! I'm a big believer in saying what you need to say. You took a huge risk, and you should not be ashamed or embarrassed about it. Caring deeply for another person is what life is all about. It's perfect if they return your feelings, but either way, it's nothing to be ashamed of. You can tell someone you love them and hold your head high no matter what their response is. Because it's real. How could you fake it, knowing each other for this long?
I have to say I'm glad that you've only taking it as far as kissing so far. Adding sex into the mix would be very complicated. He needs to be totally free of his gf in order to have something real with someone else. As for his gf and your ex, I agree with you – who cares what they think? They are not allowed to stand in the way!
Please, let me know what happens. I've got my fingers crossed for you. Yikes.
xoxo
Susan
OMG I HAVE TO HEAR FROM CONFUSED CHOCOLATE CHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE SUSpense Is KiLING ME!!
It's kind of like The Office…lol. I loVE THAT SHOW!
Hi Rach, thanks for commenting! Come on over to the new threads, she is giving all kinds of updates in the last few posts! Haha, I'm gonna tell her what you said.
Back by popular demand, just kidding : )
First, let me say YAYYY EMERY!!! We are paddling in the same boat but you are 2 steps ahead of me. Not only have you guys kissed (on multiple occassions) but he even left his gf for you. YAYY!!! Girl it's time to pounce haha!! Seriously, though, I think you were wise not to let it progress physically. The last thing you want is to complicate things far more than they already are. I hope it all works out for you in the end
Rach, thank you for your interest in my crazy complicated life. I wish I had more news to share but unfortunately things haven't gone anywhere from the last time I updated. With finals around the corner, we havent had time to really talk or anything. Aside from that I have been dealing with other issues related to my ex, whom will be receiving a bra and some tampons for Christmas since he is such a GIANT PUSSY (excuse my langauge)!!!
I am a little fustrated, I know I need to be patient and wait for things to pan out. At the same time he needs to step his damn game up!! We disclosed that we have feelings for each other, that we have both thought about what it would be like to kiss each other, to be in a realtionship with each other; still no move has been made. I have already sent a picture of my bare ass to him (I was drunk) how much more DIRECT CAN I BE? hahaha!! But it is ok, in order to get what you want you need to put in the work. I normally send him funny Christmas gifts (because of our inside jokes). The last one was diapers lmfao!! The first time he ever had a girl go down he got so excited that after he finished she continued and he ended up peeing on her hahahaha!!! He was so embarassed but it was so hysterical I could not let him lie that down haha!! Anywho, this year I was going to send him a first aid kit with ice packs, lots of superhero bandaids, and lollipops for being a good patient lol!! Over his summer break he went rock climbing fell backwards, the rope got tangled around his leg and had him dangling in mid-air. He hurt his leg pretty badly but luckily it healed up nicely. Thanksgiving break he sprained his ankle. Christmas break is coming so he needs to be prepared!! I also thought it would be cute if I send him a box filled with Hershey Kisses with a note saying “Now you can't say I never kissed you”. It's simple, cute, and a flirtatious reminder that I am still interested in him. Kind of like a “WAKE UP CALL”. If that doesn't work I may need to invest in Neon signs saying “MAKE YOUR MOVE FOOL!!” Well that's it for now I'll be sure to keep you posted
Back by popular demand, just kidding : )
First, let me say YAYYY EMERY!!! We are paddling in the same boat but you are 2 steps ahead of me. Not only have you guys kissed (on multiple occassions) but he even left his gf for you. YAYY!!! Girl it's time to pounce haha!! Seriously, though, I think you were wise not to let it progress physically. The last thing you want is to complicate things far more than they already are. I hope it all works out for you in the end
Rach, thank you for your interest in my crazy complicated life. I wish I had more news to share but unfortunately things haven't gone anywhere from the last time I updated. With finals around the corner, we havent had time to really talk or anything. Aside from that I have been dealing with other issues related to my ex, whom will be receiving a bra and some tampons for Christmas since he is such a GIANT PUSSY (excuse my langauge)!!!
I am a little fustrated, I know I need to be patient and wait for things to pan out. At the same time he needs to step his damn game up!! We disclosed that we have feelings for each other, that we have both thought about what it would be like to kiss each other, to be in a realtionship with each other; still no move has been made. I have already sent a picture of my bare ass to him (I was drunk) how much more DIRECT CAN I BE? hahaha!! But it is ok, in order to get what you want you need to put in the work. I normally send him funny Christmas gifts (because of our inside jokes). The last one was diapers lmfao!! The first time he ever had a girl go down he got so excited that after he finished she continued and he ended up peeing on her hahahaha!!! He was so embarassed but it was so hysterical I could not let him lie that down haha!! Anywho, this year I was going to send him a first aid kit with ice packs, lots of superhero bandaids, and lollipops for being a good patient lol!! Over his summer break he went rock climbing fell backwards, the rope got tangled around his leg and had him dangling in mid-air. He hurt his leg pretty badly but luckily it healed up nicely. Thanksgiving break he sprained his ankle. Christmas break is coming so he needs to be prepared!! I also thought it would be cute if I send him a box filled with Hershey Kisses with a note saying “Now you can't say I never kissed you”. It's simple, cute, and a flirtatious reminder that I am still interested in him. Kind of like a “WAKE UP CALL”. If that doesn't work I may need to invest in Neon signs saying “MAKE YOUR MOVE FOOL!!” Well that's it for now I'll be sure to keep you posted
“I remember a post-sex moment with a dear friend – he started telling me about his father's funeral, kissing his father at the wake. If we'd never had sex, that conversation would have been something I would have handled really well, like a true friend. Because we were naked, I felt over-exposed, and in over my head. It ruined our friendship. I just couldn't take the vulnerability plus sex.”
Hi susan, could you extrapolate a bit further on the bit where you “couldn't take the vulnerability plus” bit
Hi Valmont, it was just a sense of being overwhelmed with his need. I remember he was emotionally tortured telling the story – he had kissed his dead father on the lips, and when he pulled away, the makeup came with him, and it really freaked him out. He kind of lost it telling the story, and I felt like I didn't know what to say or how to help. If I had been a platonic friend, I would have hugged him and been nurturing, just like I would act with a woman friend. But because we were involved his vulnerability frightened me a bit. I felt responsible for making him feel better, and I didn't want that responsibility. It felt like he was naked physically, plus naked emotionally. It was too much, I wasn't ready.
I do understand you… it would have scared me away too.however there are a lot of people online who are saying that guys should open up and reveal all their vulnerabilities and communication all their emotions asap, and wear their hearts on their sleeves and that doing other wise (i.e. holding emotions) is “playing games”.
Wrong! I disagree! A man who reveals his emotions asap is doomed. I think you've seen me say this before – women want a man who is not afraid to reveal a vulnerability, but he should pace himself. Too much too soon comes off as clingy and needy – the kiss of death. A woman should have to earn intimacy and trust, just as a man should. When a couple becomes intimate, they've already established they have feelings for each other, then he should make it clear he cares. Once the woman is invested, she needs to hear that. But she doesn't want him putting himself in a one-down position. So, for example, he might say, “I'm really into you. Let's hang out again soon.” That reveals his interest, with confidence. It's better than, “I had a really nice time. What are you doing tomorrow?” It's all about balance, and timing.
haha,this is really good
Thanks, katee! Come back again!
Wow. Well, I really don't know where to even begin! My best guy friend and I met in high school and I don't really even KNOW how we became friends. He was the popular, perfect-looking funny guy who was like the beehive the girls swarmed around and I kind of thought, just based on the attention he got, that he was kind of a snob. And then one day he just started following me around everywhere I went and talked to me non-stop. Now I wasn't popular and I'm SO ordinary-looking it's ridiculous, so I was really perturbed when he started paying all this attention to me
Now he had a girlfriend of about two years and I had just started dating my first boyfriend (yeah yeah I know what you're probably thinking) and so we had no interest in one another. But as I went through a lot of problems with my guy, he was always there for me. Soon his girl broke up with him and we kind of kept each other close for moral support. I took care of him during the school year when his ex went on to date his best guy friend, and he took care of me over the summer when the moron I dated finally dumped me.
I never saw him as anything until a random day my senior year of high school. My ex was trying to catch my attention again and I was torn between him and my growing feelings for my best friend. Needless to say after a LOT of fireworks going off between my friend and I with rumors that we might be secretly dating, I went back to my ex like the spineless person I was. And my friend was not happy.
And the whole time I was with my guy, I still said to myself, “If (enter best friend's name here) would just tell me how he felt about me, I would end this relationship and go to him.” But I needed a distraction before I did or said something stupid.
This boy I met who was friends with my best friend became like my brother and let me in on a big secret. My best friend… DID like me. A LOT. But he didn't want me to know about it. Months passed. Another friend of ours told me that my guy friend liked me but he wanted ME to make the first move. This frustrated me to no end because he ALWAYS asked the girls out; with absolutely NO fear at all. And then when it came to ME he chickened out. UGH!!!
We graduated. He went up North to a university and I stayed in town and went to a community college. Our friendship kind of lost it's strength after he found out how I felt about him. He told me, “I love you. You know I do. But just not in that way. I never have and I don't think I ever will.” It didn't hurt really that much to hear him say that because I had always thought it to be true even when EVERYONE else said, “Tell him! He likes you! A LOT! Just do it before he leaves.”
And now it's been a little under a year and we've been talking a few times a week. His life is really busy up at the university (and I understand that) andI've been trying to get him to hang out with me but really to no avail. I was about to give up and just say “to hell with it” when he sent me a random text telling me that he needed to break up with his girlfriend. I was a little confused and when I asked him about it he just sent this reply: “Nvm.”
He keeps asking me to plan something for us to do when he comes into town and then when he gets here he can never hang out because of family or because he has other plans. I can't keep making plans when he's only going to shut me down again, but he still keeps telling me, “Sorry about last weekend. I'm coming back though! Let's hang out!” or he'll call me when he's on his way back into town and say, “I'm on my way!” And then I won't hear from him until he's already back on campus.
What can I do? I want to just give up but my heart doesn't want to and neither do all my friends and family members.
Icewolf, thanks so much for leaving a question, welcome to HUS. This is clear to me, but you are not going to like it. You have to let this go. In all the time you have known him, he has never expressed feelings for you directly. Friends who mean well are notoriously unreliable – never take a guy's friend's word for anything. Similarly, you friends and family love you and don't want to see you get hurt. It's impossible for them to be objective, which is why I'm here.
Since he told you that he doesn't feel that way about you, and never has, you have to believe him. It's also clear that he is not making hanging out with you a priority. It's true that he's keeping in touch, but that is probably as a friend only. In fact, he's been extremely rude – calling when he's on his way into town, and then not again until he's back on campus is very inconsiderate. That's not the behavior of a good friend, much less something more.
You deserve someone who will make you a priority, and who is not ambivalent about his feelings. I would put some distance between you and this guy until you feel that you can communicate as friends only, and that you have moved on emotionally.
Thank you so much for responding! I'm actually not upset to get your advice at all because in my head I knew that's the right thing to do. He said he wants to hang out this weekend but I already know– through past experiences– that that's not happening.
As a friend I've always been there for him and there was once a time when he did the same for me and he just suddenly stopped one day. It got to the point where when he was dating a girl he wouldn't even talk to me because they didn't like how close we were and I even told him myself, “I'm sorry but I really refuse to be your side-dish friend.”
So thank you so much for giving me that last push that I needed! I'm on my way down that path to recovery and I'm doing so strongly!
Yay, icewolf, I am so happy to hear you say that! I'm glad I confirmed what you already knew – that's the way it often happens.
Keep us posted!
I have read all of the posts. I am glad to not be alone in this best guy friend boat. I am going to share my story in hopes of some advice/objective thoughts. I am so confused and torn. I have talked my one girlfriend's ear totally off about this subject.
I met my best guy friend at work. I was going through a bad divorce when I first start working with him. When I met my friend I felt something instantly. He is an engineer. I was a secretary. From where my desk was, I could see him at his desk out in the laboratory. He and I would always exchange long gazes. I would look away and when I looked up, he would be looking at me. We would catch one anothers eyes and hold the looks. He would come up to the office alot and flirt and/or tease me. We started talking more and more. He and I share a lot of similar interests, and we quickly discovered this.
After about four or five months of working together, flirting, and our staring at one another, I decided to ask him if he wanted to have a drink. I was far too shy to ask personally so I emailed him. I told him that I was developing a crush on him and would he be interested in joining me for a drink sometime. He responded that evening via his personal email address. He sent me a lenghty email about how he had gone through a terrible divorce a few years back. He also told me that he was involved with a past secretary and things became very ugly. He said that he vowed to never let that happen again. That he was a guy and of course he had thoughts about me, but that his thoughts had to stay in his head because he had vowed to not get involved with any one at work. He did say that he would love to get to know me better and that if I was still interested in drinks, to name the day and time. Of course, I was somewhat bummed, but I agreed to continue on with drinks. (I found out the full story of his workplace romance, and WOAH, bad bad thing, and I respected his decision).
Anyway, so our friendship continued to grow. The staring contests grew more and more intense. We started hanging out more and more. He would bring in movies for me to borrow and we would discuss them. Life was great. Of course, my feelings grew more and more. We ended up going to Vegas together, just he and I, after about a year of me being at my job. We had a great time together. Flirting, touching, walking arm in arm, him showing me all around, and everyone thinking we were a couple didn't seem to bother him one bit. Shared a room. Nothing happened. Of course, I secretly hoped that something would happen, but it never did.
Coming into work after being with him in Vegas of course everyone was giving me that look like, we know something had to have happened. I was ok with everyone thinking something did happen. He and I continued to share our looks at one another, our excessive flirting, and my sitting at his desk for lunch sometimes while he helped me with my homework.
The next major event was a co-workers wedding. Of course, he and I were sat at the same table. And of course, we sat next to one another. We both drank. A lot. I danced with my co-workers wives. He watched me dance. He never dances, but I pulled him out onto the dance floor for a slow dance. He held me close, and I can still feel those feelings I had in my stomach. I am pretty sure that everyone was shocked by this. We had yet another amazing time together. He was worried about me driving home so he and I went to grab a bite to eat after the reception ended at midnight. He and I chatted and chatted. We sat at the restaurant until 5am. When we left the restaurant, he accidentally went the wrong way on the freeway, and I pretended not to notice. I am not sure if this was intentional or not, but it took us about 20 minutes out of our way. He joked about driving to another state to check it out. I was like sure. He said, someday we will. Of course, the night ended with just another hug.
Our bar nights increased. Our closeness increased. My feelings grew and grew. My friends knew all about him, everything he would do and say, and insisted that he liked me. Of course, I knew that if he did like me, nothing would ever happen while we were still co-workers. My friends and I were sitting around one Sunday talking about him, and they were like, you need to tell him that you are going to cook for him tomorrow night (as my roommate was going to be gone for the night). So, I sent him a text asking what he was doing tomorrow night. He replied with nothing, why. I said because you are going to come over for dinner. He said, really, are you asking or telling me? I said I am telling you. He said, well alright then! What time?! I was excited!!! From there, our text messages got a little more intense…and I thought that maybe when he came over the night would end with a kiss. So, our day at work Monday was nuts. He was busy, I was busy, and at about 4:45pm he sent me a little email saying, I don't know about you, but I am beat from today. I do not want you to have to go home and cook for me, why don't I take you out to dinner? I was a little bummed, but excited, so I said, sure! He said, I will pick you up at 6pm, let me know where you want to go. I said, ok see you then! So, I rushed home, got ready, and he picked me up. We went out and had a great time at dinner. We had drinks and nice converesation. When leaving the restaurant, he said, want to go have a few more drinks at the bar? I said, sure. On the way to the bar, I told him I was a little bummed that I could not cook for him. He said, well, I wanted to come over, look I even had wine to bring. He said, but I just did not want you to have to cook after today. You had a crazy day. So, arrived at the bar and yet again, had a great time closing it down. And yet, the evening again, ended with a hug. My friends were shocked. They suggested I ask him.
So, I did. The next night I sent him a text. I told him how I felt. I asked him if he felt the same and if so, what would we do about it. He text me back. He admitted that he would be lying if he said he does not have feelings or thoughts about me. He said again that he has to keep thoughts feelings and thoughts to himself because we work together. He said that he was sorry, but we could only be friends. I was bummed. I stayed quiet for a little bit, but of course, nothing changed between he and I.
Time kept going by as it does and things were the same. We went out, our flirting increased, our staring increased. He seemed bothered by other guys hitting on me at the bar. Sometimes, guys would come up to him and ask him if it was ok to ask me to dance or even talk to me. I would tell the guys he was my boyfriend. My friend was fine with this. Anytime we went out with other co-workers or just the two of us, he always paid for me. He and I always sat together. It got to the point where my co-workers asked if he and I were dating. One co-worker in particular said that he had changed in a good way. He was happier. We went to Vegas together two more times, of course, nothing happened other than us being more and more comfortable together. We would talk to other couples as though we were a couple He paid for everything, despite how much I argued with him. On one of our trips, another co-worker and his girlfriend went with us. Of course, my other co-worker thought that he and I were totally a couple. He did not believe for one second that we were just friends.
Everytime I would come home from Vegas with him or hanging out, my friends were just amazed that still nothing had happened. My feelings were so strong that I decided it was time to find another job. So I did. He was upset that I was leaving, but he wanted the best for me. We went out with other co-workers that night to celebrate my putting in a two-week notice. Of course, everyone left pretty early, leaving just he and I to finish out the night. We were sitting at our table talking when this random drunk guy came up to us and put his arms around us. He said to my friend, “I can really tell how in love the two of you are, and it is great to see. You have yourself a very pretty lady here.” I told the guy that he and I were just friends. They guy looked at him and said, “are you crazy? Why aren't you dating this girl. I know you like her and I am pretty sure she likes you, so go for it man.” My friend was like, well we work together. She just put her notice in, so I have to wait two weeks to make my move. I was in heaven!!!! The guy was like, “oh just go on and kiss her man, two weeks, what the hell?!!” of course, my friend did not kiss her. The guy asked if him if he could kiss me on the cheek and my friend said, its up to her. I was amazed that this guy came up to us and pretty much called us out on our feelings. So, I just had to make it through two weeks. We both acted as though nothing had happened, like that was totally normal.
So, two weeks went by, and of course, we went out to celebrate my last day. We had a great time. We both were drinking a lot. It was a great night. But, nothing happened at the end.
I sent him a text the next day asking him if we could start seeing one another now that we are no longer co-workers. He told me that I think too much and to let him do the thinking. I was not sure what this meant.
Of course, time went on as it always does. We continued to see one another, but not quite as often. We kept in touch. He was looking for a roommate. He wanted me to move in. I started seeing someone else in the meantime and did not tell him. I wanted to move in, but I was not sure how my new guy would feel.
My friend and I ended up attending another weddding together for another co-worker (well, my ex-coworker, technically). I asked one of my old co-workers to slow dance with me, and he responded with, well are you sure its ok with him? I don't want to upset him. I said, why wouldn't it be, we are just friends. He was like, you are?!? Like all shocked. This frustrated me. My friend watched while I danced and partied it up with everyone. I did not ever pull him onto the dance floor. I regretted this later.
Anyway, it is now almost five years later. He and my situation has not changed. I am his friend. He still treats me like I am more than that, but when confronted, he does not want to ruin the relationship. Anytime we are out, people think we are together. There is tension and something between us that is so strong. Everytime I hang out with him, I think about him for days/weeks until the next time I see him. I usually can not wait to see him again. I am still with that one guy. I am pretty sure that things will not work out between my current boyfriend and I because I am fairly certain I am in love with my best friend. It is not fair for my boyfriend to have a girlfriend that is in love with another man.
My friend and I went out this past weekend. I just found out my ex husband got remarried in January. When I found out, I was so upset. Of course, the first thing I did was text my friend. He was nothing but supportive. I needed him, so we met for drinks. He greeted me with a huge hug. I cried and cried to him. All the girls at this bar think I am his girlfriend. One of the bar girls came up to him and asked him something, and he looked at me and said, “are you my girlfriend?” I quickly responded with, “yes”. The bar girl walked away. He said, I think it is funny that you think all these girls here like me and I like them, but the truth is that they all think you are my girlfriend. I asked him if this bothers him. He said no. So, he and I continued our talk. The way he was talking and what he was saying was making me feel as though he was trying to tell me something. But, I have been wrong about things so many times that I have no clue what to think anymore.
I know this is a lot of information. I have actually left out a lot of stuff. The point is that everyone around us thinks we are together. Everyone is shocked when they find out we aren't. Do you think he likes me? If so, why has nothing happened???!!!
HELP!!! I have been plagued by this for almost six years now!
AlwaysGrace, thanks for sharing your story. Wow, it's a pretty incredible situation. Since you asked, I'll give it to you straight, but you are not going to like it. Here's the bottom line:
You need to quit this friendship 100%, cold turkey.
You have spent six years in love with someone who does not love you back, and I don't want you to waste one more minute of time or heartache. If I thought you could be platonic friends, I'd say, sure, why not, but your story makes it very clear this is impossible.
I don't know why he gives you longing looks. I don't know why he pays, why he is happy to go on trips with you. But you have offered no-strings sex on more than one occasion, and he didn't take the bait. Which makes me wonder A LOT about him, frankly. There are three possibilities:
1. He is gay.
2. He has sex with other women.
3. He is asexual.
Any one of these choices is no-win for you.
Your friends love you and want you to have this, which is why they are the worst possible source of advice. They are not objective. Coworkers who see you together think you have a strong bond because his actions are confusing. It is certainly understandable why you would find them so, and think that they mean something. But his excuse for not being involved ended FIVE YEARS ago, and nothing has changed!
You must make a clean break. Perhaps you can make it work with your BF, or maybe you'll need to move on and find someone new. You should not keep giving your heart to a man who has repeatedly said that he does not want it. Take him at his word.
I just wrote a post this week that I think you should read. In particular, go down to the comments and read what the guys say about how to tell if a man feels something for you, and why women should not imagine that a guy cares when he says he doesn't. There's a lot of good advice there. I'm sorry to be so negative, but I can't see anything in this story that is encouraging for you.
http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2010/03/08/hookin...
Thank you very much for giving it to me straight. I actually did like everything that you had to say.I have finally let my feelings go because what you said makes so much sense to me. I always knew in the back of my mind that my friend was just that…a friend. Of course, my girlfriends encouraged my feelings for him. They were all convinced that he liked me more than a friend.
I am glad that I posted my story on here. I am glad that I have let my feelings go. What a waste of a few years for me!
Thank you so much for helping me get my life back!!!
I'm so glad you followed up! I am really pleased that you have such a positive attitude about leaving this man behind. You deserve someone who really loves you, and does not suffer from sexual dysfunction! Best of luck – you have a lot to offer, and you will feel good about closing this door, I think.
wow, this blog is amazing! I enjoyed reading this article and it was the first one I have read, I'm sure I'll be checking out all the other ones!
My situation is a little complicated: I have been in a relationship for almost three years and we broke up very recently, a few weeks back. The thing is, I have slowly started to fall for his best friend over time. I have always been attracted to him and more and more recently, sexual tension has escalated between us immensely! To a point that my best female friend felt it and told me! We have started hanging out alot and exclusively together at times. I have been yearning so much to hook up with him and get closer to him, but after awkward conversations and my subtle advances it seems he backs down and does not want to do anything because I am his best friend's ex. Honestly, it's a little funny because the bullets listed in this article is what I have been doing to get a hookup! I think he may try to distance himself from me, but sometimes he is confusing as the sexual tension is always there. :/
Hi sweetchickpea, welcome! Your situation sounds like a tough one, for sure. As you know, guys are very hung up on the Man Code. If this guy values his friendship with your ex, he is going to be wary. I think the most significant thing is that it was a three year relationship, and you've only been apart a few weeks. This is a time when I would urge you to be single for a bit. You can't possibly be over your ex, and hooking up with his BFF sounds like a recipe for disaster. The attraction might be there on both sides, but the timing is TERRIBLE. I would let it go for now. If you're ready to see someone new, there are plenty of fish in the sea. In time, if you remain friends, you may both find that you are ready to pursue this, but it's way too soon for this to feel right. If you do hook up, there is likely to be drama and regret. I'm sorry to be such a buzzkill – there is nothing better than acting out sexual tension! It's no fun to throw a big, beautiful fish back.
I must say that this blog is AMAZIING!!
well Susan, i hope you could help me with this mess i have made for myself.. let me start from the top:
You see, Im kinda this shy girl who have trust issues with people, and do not let too many in, and when i first do let some one in, it takes for ever.. 4 years ago i met this amazing guy, who was the opposite of me; so sure of himself and the true prince charming.. not get me wrong i was sure of myself, but just shy..
we met true friends and he was sure that i was the one, and i was veeeeery unsure.. this is the first guy i ever given a real chance…well we started dating, and he was too good to be true. with this in mind, I let my friends fill my head with what he had done, rumors here, rumors there, and i did the worst thing i could possiable do i let it affect me.. we had been dating for 3 months, and we were about to be exclusive when i had a flip out of nothing and broke things of with him.. and i did it the worst kind of way, by a SMS.. i know i broke his heart. But for me that point, it was break his before he breaks your, but what i did was i broke my own.. we didnt speak for a year, thn we got the contact back,and he told me he misses me and wanted to take up where wee broke of… i was soooo happy, but i didnt think that he needed me to show taht i was sincere and all that, instead i was playing it cool and waitning for him to proceed to me.. well this ended up badly aswell.. and now we didnt speeak for a long time.. when we did get our contact back, he was flirting alot but i didnt want to go there, but he didnt want to let me go, it was like even if he could have me as a girlfriend it was cool aslong as i was a part of his life.
well, then out of the blue we asked me if i wanted to start something because misunderstandments had ruined between us every single time, but i said that i didnt know.. little did i know he was dating a girl, and short time after this; she was his girlfriend… the dated now for 1 and halv years; AND HE KEPT CONTACT with me.. i mean called me, text me, emailed me almost everyday!! wanted to meet me.. i was always kinda akward about that, and every chance i had, i wanted to know if his girlfriend knew we were friends, because im not that kinda girl.
he was always into knowing what happend between us, what could we do to change things and so on..
Now he and his girllfriend cut things off, and he has cutt of almost all of his friends, and me and 3 others is the only people he still is in contact with..when he and his girlfriend broke up i found out that she didnt knew we were friends, and i be like, how is that possibale he spoke all the time, how can she dont notice this
I see him as a bestfriend because he has been there for me alot these last years, but i must admit i have feelings for him, and i belive he does to. We are friends now, but there is a tensen there and i dont know, he jokes that when we get 30 and still single we should get married, and he offend mention how our kids would be like, and that i should be his wife…
i dont know what to do.. im so scared of opening up and getting slapped by shame hhaha i would die, aaaaahhrrg.. this is taking soo much energy and time..
What should i do susan? and do u think he likes me
Hi Betty, welcome to HUS! Thanks for leaving a comment. I have to say you have been such an idiot! You know that already, of course, because you pushed away a guy you were really crazy about. I’m surprised that he still tries hard to get things going – he obviously does understand that it was about misunderstanding one another.
It sounds like he really fell for you and never got over you all these years. It is sort of shady that he was dating someone and not telling either of you, but I’m sure he didn’t want to make another bad decision, only to get rejected by you again. In any case, he’s now broken up with her and it sounds like he is available, and probably still interested.
I would suggest spending time together as friends, and see how it feels to be in close touch. If you feel certain that you care for him, and would not hurt him again, then tell him and see what he says. After all, you’ve never been the one to take the risk before – it’s time you took a turn. If you get turned down, it’s not the end of the world – we all experience rejection, especially when we’re going after something we really want.
Wow i am a guy and reading this blog makes my head spin. The long and arduous journey of women to find relationship.
Im not saying it’s impossible to have platonic relationship, because i have one. I have women friend since 5 years ago and we have some sort of platonic relationship. We both have partner and enjoying our friendship even though sometimes our partner give us those “eyes” (jealous look) when we met or even chat. Im pretty sure she dont have feeling for me, im totally not her type, and i dont have too, because i see her as a friend and no more.
We hangout, chat, share about the embarrassing things we both did, even give each other suggestions. she definitely needs to go to the psychiatrist (some embarrassing problem with sex n her partner), and i need to go out more and stop being nerd, geek, and depressed all the time
I suppose it is not impossible to have that kind of relationship, but sure it is hard and finding the right friend may have to do with that. Put woman and a man together and they will start develop feeling. Love begins as accustomed (old proverb from my country).
Hi Lord, thanks for leaving a comment. It’s great that you have found a friendship that works so well. It does happen, and although it can cause feelings that aren’t mutual, or jealousy from a partner, it’s wonderful when it works well for both parties.
What a great post..really got me thinking. I’ve known this guy for many years but recently have become good friends and I know he cares about my life. We’ve had serious conversations and he has asked me what I’m looking for in a man and what kind of wife I see myself being. However, he has suddenly gotten touchy-feely with me (tight long hugs, touching my arm). He also flirts, but he is a flirty kind of guy (he flirts with other girls too). He checks me out and smiles alot. He has never asked me out or called me. Could all these signs of affection just mean he is starting to really care about me just as a friend? Why would a guy suddenly start touching? Also, he is a close friend of my bro. Would that have something to do with it?
Hi Samantha, welcome. It does sound like there’s some sexual tension building! In my experience, guys don’t usually invest a lot of time and energy in platonic friendships with women. If he is a close friend of your brother’s, he may view as “off limits” in some way. If you are close to your brother, he would be a really good person to ask. If he thinks this guy would be good for you, and is interested, he’ll tell you. If he doesn’t, I would listen to his advice. Guys are very good at knowing which of their friends would make good boyfriends.
Thanks for responding Susan! This is such a great blog. Yes, him and my bro are very very close. My bro has mentioned he would rather me date him than some of my brother’s other friends, but when the three of us are together, my brother seems a little uncomfortable. I just don’t want to bring this up just in case I really am viewed as a “sister.” I’ve always thought he didnt care for me in that way, but now that he is getting more touchy, I’m starting to wonder? And since he has never initiated any dates (but says anytime I want to go out to let him know) it seems more like a bro-sis relationship. I just don’t want to read into this wrong and cause awkwardness when all along he just cared for me as a sister. I’m never good at figuring out when a guy friend starts to develop feelings. Many points on this post describe him, but not all. So many mixed signals.
Samantha, the best way of learning how he really feels is by waiting patiently and seeing if he initiates. If you suggest hanging out, and he’s all about it, you still won’t know whether you’re in the friend box. If he likes you, it is bound to become clear at some point. There’s no reason for him to hide it – hang in there!