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Is Your Best Guy Friend Thinking of You With His Right Hand?

african_american_guy_1

Dorbs BFF

“Joey: You waited too long and now you’re in ‘The Friend Zone’.

Ross: No, I’m not in the Zone.

Joey: Come on, Ross; you’re mayor of the Zone!”

Friends


I’m one of those cynics who thinks it is really, really difficult for guys and girls to maintain platonic friendships. I think it works best when:

  • One or both of the people is in a serious relationship. That makes the terms non-negotiable, and prevents unrealistic expectations from developing.
  • All parties are friends with each other.
  • There is no romantic or sexual history between you.
  • One or both of you is gay.


In many cases, strong platonic friendships outlast other relationships. Suddenly you find that sexual tension has somehow sprung up in your friendship with your favorite guy. You may be psyched about it, or at least curious. You may be dreading it, if you know that you absolutely do not want to go there. The question I always ask women in these situations is: “Would you like to see his penis?” Often the answer is “Um, hmm, maybe?” Sometimes it’s “Ew!” If it’s an enthusiastic yes, then you’re off and running and you hardly need my advice.

I don’t really buy that guys put real time and effort into cultivating platonic friendships with women. They only do that with women they hope to hook up with. Most guys have platonic friendships with women whether they want them or not, and they don’t really need to go winning over new women to be best buds with. Besides, guys rely very heavily on each other for friendship; the world of male friendships has always been homosocial.

The trickiest part is figuring out whether your relationship dynamic has really changed, and how. You sense a shift, but you wonder if you’re imagining things. I find that women tend to underestimate a guy’s interest in these situations in almost all cases. They will often continue to insist that a guy’s feelings are strictly platonic, even as he begins to pay them more and more attention.

It’s also true in my experience that women are usually the ones who worry about ruining the friendship. A guy will risk the friendship every time to fulfill the fantasy of having sex with you. He knows he’ll have to deal with the fallout, but it will be totally worth it, and he’ll think about that tomorrow. After all, we know which head his brain is in.

Here are the unmistakable signs that your guy friend has probably started thinking about you (a lot) when he gets busy with his right hand:

1. You hear from him more often.

  • He seeks the role of primary contact when making group plans. He texts you to coordinate your friends meeting up with his friends.
  • He initiates more random chats online, characterized by friendly banter.
  • He may begin to suggest hanging out alone. It may still feel very platonic, but you notice that the two of you have gotten closer.
  • In general, you sense that you’ve moved up on his list of priorities. He’s focusing on you more.


2. You become more aware of his physical presence.

  • He’s touchy. Hugs, standing close by, with arms or shoulders touching. You find yourself sitting next to each other. Kisses on the forehead, cheeks, etc.
  • He focuses on you specifically during conversation, and maintains eye contact.
  • He seems to be putting more effort into his appearance or grooming. If you suddenly notice he’s wearing cologne or nicer clothes around you, you can be sure he’s trying to change your impression of him.
  • There may be moments that feel awkward, where he seems nervous or you feel tension between you.


3. He begins to take more risks in your conversations.

  • He demonstrates friendly affection by using nicknames and inside jokes.
  • He stops talking to you about other girls.
  • He asks that you make a pact: If you’re both unmarried by age 30, you’ll agree to marry each other.
  • He lets you know that he thinks you’re a catch. When you complain about other dudes, he’ll mention that if he were your boyfriend he would never treat you that way, and that you deserve better.
  • He’s always been a great shoulder to cry on. But if he’s getting interested in you, you’ll see signs of his patience wearing thin. He may act mad at you if he sees you go after another guy, although he’ll categorically deny it when you ask him if you’ve done something wrong.
  • He becomes curious about what you like in a guy. He may ask you outright what you’re looking for, or he may ask you what you see in some douchebag you’ve got a crush on.


4. Other people see what you cannot.

  • His friends make observations about the closeness of your friendship. Or they may ask you what the deal is.
  • Your friends think he’s crushing on you, for sure.
  • He may make “weird” or hostile comments, frustrated with his lack of progress, as he perceives you are keeping him in the friend zone through cluelessness or lack of interest.


Seriously, if you’re noticing some of these shifts in a friendship with a guy, you need to appreciate that he is taking risks and putting it out there. Whatever you do, don’t pretend it isn’t happening and hope that it will fizzle. It’s not your job to initiate a conversation about the relationship, but it is your job as a real friend not to run away from what’s happening between you. Deal with it. Stay honest and open. You just might find that you do want to see his penis.

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  • Decoybetty

    I've made the mistake of dating guy friends a couple of times. and that is just what it's been: a mistake. I've lost people really close to me. I am not saying I wouldn't do it again, but the truth is I'd rather not see their penises. I think i mostly just like the ease of it – they already have gotten to know me, I already trust them and I can tell when they like me which I like.

  • susanawalsh

    I do think that the sexual spark is the key ingredient when deciding whether to take the relationship to a new place. (Hence, the “Do you want to see his penis?”) If you're not feeling it, then it becomes FWB at best, a pity f**k at worst. I remember a post-sex moment with a dear friend – he started telling me about his father's funeral, kissing his father at the wake. If we'd never had sex, that conversation would have been something I would have handled really well, like a true friend. Because we were naked, I felt over-exposed, and in over my head. It ruined our friendship. I just couldn't take the vulnerability plus sex. I behaved very badly after that – used that horrible technique of driving him away with my bitchiness. It's one of the things I remember and regret many years later.

  • Sad Mail

    From a guy perspective, the whole platonic thing is a bunch of crap. We want to get into your pants unless you are super fat, super married or our boss (and we really want our job). “Super married”? This means a good solid marriage. Not super? How can you tell? The female is complaining about her spouse to her male “friend”. The danger for the spouse, or I guess both partners is that the male part will pounce if the female indicates dissatisfaction with her marriage. He may be a long time in pouncing, but he will do so eventually. The friendship turns into a “emotional affair” followed by the inevitable hookup. So boyz, if your wife has a friend since college or high school and is keeping in touch with them, guess what, it could easily turn into something more. I don't blame either male or female but it happens. I have seen it with co-workers and others.

  • susanawalsh

    Oooohhhhhkkkaaaaayyy, Sad Mail. I think I liked you better when you were Psycho Male. I buy it that basically guys want to get into everyone's pants. That's a given. But there's something sad and tawdry about a married person keeping a high school or college friend in reserve for decades, only to turn to them for a pathetic emotional affair at some point. It's just so predictable, so 25th reunion.

    Also, friendship dynamics with the opposite sex are completely different once you're married. This post assumes that all parties are single and available to go with the flow. If you're married, and you're having an emotional affair, you need to tend to your relationship, obviously. Emotional affairs are dangerous territory. And by the way — the newest thing? Your avatar having an affair with another avatar in Second Life, or some other virtual world. I know of one marriage that ended when a wife caught her husband's avatar cheating.

  • singlutionary

    i have a had a lot of married guy friends have a crush on me. I don't buy it that marriage changes things. Sigh. its hard being friends with the opposite (straight) sex.

  • http://FT.com/ VJ

    Yeah I was going to comment on the age grade questions here, but I can't help from snickering a lot too.

    “Emotional affairs are dangerous territory. And by the way — the newest thing? Your avatar having an affair with another avatar in Second Life, or some other virtual world. I know of one marriage that ended when a wife caught her husband's avatar cheating.”

    OK Why? And how do you explain that to Gramps & Granny? Here's how that conversation went with 'Janey': 'Yes, I caught your precious little Phillip 'The Grand Pizer Wiz' canoodling with that little furry slut in 2nd life!' 'Again!' 'Why yes, they'll All sort of cartoons'. 'Umm, no, fluids were not exchanged'. 'No of course not, she lives in NZ, it's not like she can jump a cab & visit. No, they've never met!' 'What happened then?' 'Well she was splayed out on yes, our dream couch in this lovely fantastically huge bedroom, her tail between her legs wearing nothing but a come hither look, and then…' 'Why are you laughing?' 'No, this is a no fault divorce state & yes the court was sympathetic'. 'No I'm Not Crackers!'

    Yeah. Like that. But on the larger topic. I've got to say for once you people have little imagination. Truly. I'm long happily married (again, once the 3 least common descriptors on the WWW), and I find myself doing most of the things mentioned in 1-2 regularly. And sometimes with 'Church ladies', well twice your age actually. And we Both enjoy the experience. (And no, at those ages, no one wants to see anything. Think beef jerky here people. No, really!) You know you're a sterling success when you can get some 80+ YO matron to tell you some of the dirtiest filthiest jokes she knows, tittering all the way. Or when you tell her she double dated with Grant & Sherman when they came through. Quality entertainment people!

    So yeah. And I'm with DBetty here. For most of the time, this is the strict MO from most women, even if they're suspecting: “Whatever you do, don’t pretend it isn’t happening [But they DO!] and hope that it will fizzle.” Yeah. Number one answer here.

    And so yes, “Also, friendship dynamics with the opposite sex are completely different once you're married”. It's just a bit more challenging & rewarding to flirt successfully. Even when Mrs. Crabapple last saw 'action' during the Korean conflict. It livens the old birds up. Whenever anyone asks a gaggle of the older crew with me 'what are you talking about?', I say instantly, 'Sex, misery & memory'. It always gets a good laugh & that about covers it.

    Me? If I'm at a party even with the wife, I make a beeline for the most interesting people. Many times it's the 'other half' of a lesbian couple, and the wife gets a good chuckle out of that. 'You've hit another same sex couple, right?' So yeah. No shame in my game. It's all entertainment! Now that's the way to party til you drop people. Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ

  • renu

    I have several guy friends. A lot of them are not interested in dating they just like the attention having female friends.

  • susanawalsh

    renu, it sounds like you have great friendships with guys. I'm always happy to have people prove me wrong!

  • confusedcholoatechip

    Here is the story!! I am MADLY IN LOVE with my best friend of 3yrs. We were just acquaintances until one night, I became a victim of rape. He went from being an acquaintance to being the only person there for me. Every single person called me a liar, told me I provoked it; including my family. He saw me through post traumatic stress disorder, severe depression, and my suspension from Syracuse University. He risked suspension by letting me move into his dorm room and crash on his futon for 4 months while I went to a community college out there. He gave me shelther, gave me food, paid for my transportaion, he took care of me and I never once asked him to. We literally became inseperable. Everyone would ask us if we were a couple, when we would say no people would say what are you guys waiting for. It's been 3 yrs since and I consider him my angel. He saved my life by being there for me in my time of need and never gave up on me.
    He has done the most romantic things for me. I visited him in Boston for the 4th of july weekend and he took me whale watching during sunset, it was magnificant. The on our ride back to the harbor we saw the boston skyline nad fireworks going off in the background (AMAZING!!!). This year when I visited for his birthday weekend I already knew I was crushing hard so I amped up the flirtation by breaking the touch barrier. I pretended not to know how to bowl so he can stand behind me and show me. In the pool (wearing my very very small skimpy red bikini) I play fought with him kept trying to dunk him. He would pick me up and carry me around till he would dunk me. Then he surprised me again!! He blindfolded me, drove me to a secret location, walked me over to our destination, gave me this amazing speech about how he would go there to get away from his rough family life, how he went there and wished for someone that is AMAZING and that gets him, loves him, and would do anything for him. That's when he met me after he told me how amazing he thinks I am he took off the blindfold to revveal the boston skyline. We were standing on a boardwalk at 12am with no one around with this amazing view of the city. I was tearing because of everything he said and all I wanted to do was kiss him. Only one problem HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND!!!
    It seems as though we are never single at the same time but it doesnt stop him from doing all these amazing things for me. I got drunk on Halloween and told him that I love him and that his girl is so lucky to have him because I would love to be with him. He told me that he loves me, misses spending every second with me, that he never knew I felt that way fro him. Then he changed the topic on me. We havent talked about it, we are pretending like it never happened. I have no idea if he feels the same way but everyone says he has done all that stuff because he loves me too!! HELP ME!!!!!!

  • susanawalsh

    Oh yeah, he loves you. No question. Wow, what a story. The boardwalk at midnight gave me goosebumps. The question is, WHY IS HE BEING SUCH AN IDIOT? The perfect girl for him is right under his nose!

    I'm glad you told him how you feel, even if you were drunk :) Obviously, you caught him by surprise, and he needs time to think. The fact that he is in a relationship means that he has an obligation – I'm sure you wouldn't have wanted him to go for it that night if it meant cheating.

    Just sit tight, and give this some time. The connection you two have has lasted through a lot. Don't bring it up again. You guys may be pretending it never happened, but both of you know that it did. And I would definitely refrain from flirting, etc. The ball is definitely in his court.

    This is SO intense. I wish you all the best.

  • confusedcholoatechip

    I hope he does love me as more than just a best friend. I have caught him checking me out a few times and he has verbally told me he finds me attractive. When I was with my ex-bf he never asked about our relationship and when he did he would call him my “gf” because he was “a little sissy”. When we would have arguments he would tell me that he isnt worth it to leave him that I deserve better. When they met he barely talked to him, he just hung out in the background observing how we would interact and when I would go spend time with him my ex would hang back and watch how the 2 of us interacted hahah!! Very Awkward to say the least.

    He used to tell me everything about every girl he has ever liked, he'd come to me for all types of girl advice. Now that he has a girlfriend I know absolutly nothing about her, what ever I do know comes from his roommate (our mutual best friend). He has told her that his best friend is a female and if she has a problem with that she can keep it moving because I will always be number one. She seems fine with it, in fact, she constantly raves about how much she wants to meet me. Some people think it's because she wants to see who she is up against… I don't know what to think.

    Every time I visit him he tells her not to come up because it's best friend weekend and she isn't invited. When he visits the City (NYC) he will see me, lie by tell me he's there for a day, then spend the week with her in L.I. Why does he feel the need to lie to me? No clue!! Why does he feel the need to seperate her and I? No clue!! Now that he knows how I feel he WILL DEFINITLY not be mentioning her to me or make attempts for us to meet. :-/ From what I hear she is little Miss Perfect; she is beautiful, perfect body, used to model, plays softball, is intelligent, majoring in the same thing he is, funny, sweet, not jealous, cooks, gets along great with his family. She is PERFECT grrrr >:-)

    But he tells everyone about me. When I meet his family for the first time I had people giving me enormous hugs like “So this is the one you are always talking about”, friends of the family, his friends, all the females he's ever talked to know about me. One time he took some girl to the beach at night, water crashing against the rocks, full moon, and instead of being all romantic with her he spent 3 hours telling her about me.

    But he has never made a move, he barely even hugs me. We have slept in the same bed numerous of times and never once does he creep onto my side. He barely compliements me, but I have caught him checking me out. He always talks about his bathroom issues with me, like I'm one of the guys. We have sat there and he's checked out other girls (while I sit there agreeing or disagreeing with his selection). There are times he treats me like I am one of the guys. Now he does all this romantic stuff for me, he doesnt tell me about girls as much (not at all lately). I don't really know where he stands.

    All I know is that I am in love with him. I have never loved someone as much as I do him. I would do anything for him, I hurt when he hurts, I cry when he cries. I have his initials tattooed on my back (yes he knows)!! I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I want to get married, have kids, and grow old with him. He's the one for me… I just hope that one day he will open up his big brown eyes, see what has always been in front of him, and takes the chance. I know he is afraid it will mess up the friendship because he had a little crush on one of his really really really close female friends (before we became close) he told her how he felt and their friendship fell apart. He may be scared it will happen again (but I already told him I have a monster crush on him all he needs to do is make the move).

  • susanawalsh

    Oh man! I want to go find him here in Boston and give him a kick in the butt! I hate, hate, hate it when the gf is “perfect.” I can see that you are very frustrated. Obvs, if he isn't talking to her about you and vice versa, he knows there's an emotional component that she wouldn't like. And now, of course, he knows you don't want to hear about her either.

    It does sound, though, like he has you in the friend zone in a lot of ways. I have NO IDEA what to predict here. Keep me posted! Fingers crossed.

  • confusedcholoatechip

    I will keep you posted :-) I'm fustrated only because I am impatient. I don't want to sit it out on the sidelines waiting for her to mess up so I get a chance to step in the game. Grr!! Maybe I should speed the process along and kidnap her, and ship her to China. I know thats horrible. I need to just see what happens and stop being so impatient. Hopefully, it works in my favor.
    Despite how I may feel for him, I am his Best friend and therefore if she makes him happy I will grit my teeth, smile, and bear it.

  • susanawalsh

    That is truly the mark of a true friend. Just so you don't feel too badly, I want you to know that I keep a mental list of people I hope will get hit by a bus. No luck yet.

  • confusedcholoatechip

    hahaha!! Hmm I'll rent a trolley and we can go kidnap the “perfect” gf and run over people along the way : )

  • Eric

    So, As a male who stumbled upon this site, and wandered for some time, I thought I'd go ahead and give you more insight into the male world which has evolved as a result of this generation.

    While this is all anecdotal, and I realize as a result of my own personal trends, it's liable to be a result of something about my own personality which leads me to often the same situations, I find it important to note that I'm aware that it's liable to be the case. However, I do believe that it does come quite contrary to what you may personally maintain, and perhaps is either a dated mentality, or a new, perhaps unusual mentality.

    I have found over the years, that maintaining, and keeping female platonic relationships not only a damning expertise of mine, but to be the single-most frustrating portion of my personal love life, as well as the single best way to create a void within a person, emotionally. I do believe, that men are not only capable, but find it essential to cultivate platonic relationships with women.

    My entire life, I have been oft-plagued by being a friend to anyone, but I noticed quickly that I took to being more understanding toward women than I ever did to men. (Before you even think it, I'm not gay.) This interest isn't merely sexual, although I could have potentially derived some sexual hopes one day, as a result of these friendships. I did find one common thread that brought me back to always seeking female friends: Emotional awareness.

    As a male who is not only brutally aware of his emotions, but doesn't repress them (as we are promptly trained to do so.) actively, I found immediately that speaking with women was just more to my tastes, as women better understood me than most men did.

    However, this yielded to the most difficult experience of my life, as well as the most fruitful, and painful relationship with any person I'd ever experienced in my life. A girl I met online during the days of Instant messaging being ever so popular, who lived in the same city (And attended the same schools as I) became incredibly close friends. To a point, we spoke daily, often for hours. I never have known a person as well as she, nor do I believe I ever will. (Lest I do actually get married.) She spoke to me of all the men she'd date, everything between them, ranging from attitudes, to the sex, to the things she loved about them. Granted, I fell for her long before, yet believed that I was deeply entrenched into the friend zone, and I aptly never was able to act upon it until nearly a decade later.

    After having dating one of my closest friends several years before, and having more or less fallen from touch, we met at a non-profit event I organized, and by the end of the evening, cuddled and kissed for the first time. We became closer as a result, as we're speaking regularly again, yet it created an oddity in our relationship.

    But, this situation is all to show that while being with her would have always been ideal, during our friendship, it was never, ever the motivating factor in my own actions. Often, we (men) will lie to each other, thinking that if you're there for her when she's with someone else, you'll be a ripe pick once that other guy messes it all up. And more over, you'll have the advantage of knowing what not to do! This is all a lie. Men may lie to themselves about it, but they're also befriending her because there's simply something that women offer us that men simply can't.

    Our relationships among other men function in ways that require us to constantly maintain our status within other men: be this dating beautiful women, having regular sexual relations, benching the most weight, earning the most money, having the most power, knowing the most people. We, as men, are judged almost entirely by what we do, opposed to how we appear (Which seems to be the plague of women, unfortunately.) as thus, we propagate our own misfortune by maintaining these types of relationships amongst other men. However, women offer us a unique, and free platform by which we can grow without the limits of our male regulations.

    Naturally, the first question which we would find ourselves asking, is why do these cycles proceed as they do, and how are they actually occurring in our world such that we don't see the evidence of these unique cycles? Naturally, when we're seeking out the woman we want to date, we're innately finding her to be the person wherein we can confide these excess needs, which allow us to better perform in front of the men with which we're associating. However, I find that more often (Again, purely anecdotal, and unsupported), gay men in particular, are drifting toward women and creating these relationships successfully. Much in what I had with my friend, until it evolved unexpectedly.

    A major problem with us as men, biologically, is that yes, we're going to be seeing almost any platonic relationship shifting to something romantic or sexual to some extent with any woman we may find attractive. This is an unfortunate consequence of our biological wiring. Thankfully, with some measure of mental training and will, you can eliminate this to some extent, there are ever-present drifts. I remain unsure as to the total effectiveness of this system, but I believe that it yields a very unique male, different in approach toward women, and capable of executing a platonic relationship.

    I apologize for the extraordinarily lengthy comment, and the complete lack of concrete or statistical evidence. I do, however, hope that you consider unique situations such as these, as they do often exist, and the perpetual-friend-zone male does exist, and he may become a much more prominent figure over the years, as men continue to break down the archaic structures we had in place over the previous centuries.

  • susanawalsh

    Rick, that is an AWESOME comment! I really appreciate your looking around my blog and taking the time to leave such a thoughtful description of your own experience. I love it that your evidence is anecdotal – I really like to hear from individuals about their own views and how they've developed. This is especially true for men, since I'm flying blind to some extent when I talk about what they want. As you have seen in this post. I can only describe what I have observed. I'm not privy to all the locker room talk, or what goes on in the male mind.

    I think it is admirable that you have cultivated platonic friendships with women, and that you recognize the emotional awareness benefit. I agree with you here – I also happen to believe that men who are more emotionally available and astute make much better long-term partners. It can be hard finding the right person, because often women reward guys who keep them guessing, and a guy can stay stuck in the friend zone forever, being taken for granted. It sounds like you've had that experience when you describe your expertise as damning and frustrating. In these situations, it can help to assume a bit of that “bad boy” attitude and take control. Confessing your love to a good friend rarely works. I recently wrote a post about this:

    How to Stop Falling for the Wrong People
    http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2009/11/10/hookin

    I love it that you recently reconnected with that woman and had an opportunity to create some romance. I'm hoping for a happy ending!

    You sound like a sensitive and mature man, deserving of a woman with those same qualities.

  • confusedcholoatechip

    As promised, here is the most recent update. This weekend, after not speaking for some time due to our hectic schedules, my best friend hits me up to chat. He was on his way to visit his “perfect” girlfriend, but he wasn't pleased about it. He was telling me how he doesn't feel like dealing with her or people in general. He called it a phase, but because I understand him better than he does himself I was able to point out what the issue really is. He goes to school, is a part of a frat, organizes programs and fundraisers, and works two jobs. He rarely ever has time for himself and when he does his girlfriend is always around. He kind of just wants to have “him” time which is completely understandable. So I tell him that once he sees her he will be excited to be there. All he responded was “Doubt it”.

    Naturally, once he told me all of that I decided it was best to give him some time and not contact him, especially since he was spending the weekend with her. The entire weekend he was texting me non-stop while he was with her. He texted while they were laying down watching t.v and when they were hanging out with her friends. He even texted me when they went on a dinner date, at a restaurant he took me to in Boston. He kept telling me how much the place brought back those memories of our fun filled weekend together with two of our other good friends.

    Those are good signs, right? He is with her , yet texting me about things that remind him of previous things we've done. That means he is thinking about me while he is with her. That's good, right? I got really excited thinking there may be hope for me after all but I don't want to read to much into it.

  • susanawalsh

    alkdfj;alkdj;alkdas yes he is clearly thinking of you all the time. Any reasonable person would say, surely he will dump her soon and show up at your front door telling you that you're the one. However, WHO KNOWS! Actions count louder than words, including all those text words. You are very smart, though, in the way that you are handling it. Nicely done. Keep up just what you are doing, not saying anything bad about the gf, or anything intended to sway him. He knows how you feel, perhaps he needs a bit of time to extricate himself. You will know soon, I think. P.S. Check out yesterday's post on Falling for Someone Who is Taken. It's not exactly like your situation, but some of the advice definitely applies. Good luck!

  • confusedcholoatechip

    You were right he does like me as more than just a best friend. Today , we were talking and he randomly asked me if I ever thought about what it would be like if him and I were in a relationship? I told that we have everything that people search for in a partner. When I asked him if he has ever thought about it? He responded with “Yes I have thought about it. Some times I wonder why we never got together since we are so close, we are so much alike, and we understand each other better than anyone else possibly could.” He went on to tell me that he wanted to kiss me on our whale watching trip. He said that he planned that trip thinking it would give him the opportunity and set the mood to do so but he couldn't because I had a boyfriend at the time and he didn't think I liked him. He was afraid he'd ruin our friendship. I told him I felt the same way. I wanted to kiss him then too but punked out because I figured he was not interested in me. We talked for a while about it how we were scared we would lose each other.

    I am currently smiling from EAR TO EAR. I haven't been able to stop in fact I think my face is stuck like this hehehe!! We eventually changed the subject and kept conversation going. I don't know what is going to happen next. He is still with his girlfriend and he doesn't have the heart to cheat (nor would I let him). I do not know where this is going to go but I hope now that it is in the open that we both have feelings for each other we can progress to more. I am not pressuring him into making a decision. I want him to figure things out for himself, wether he decides to stay with her or try us out I will be here for him no matter what.

  • susanawalsh

    Aw, I love hearing how happy you are! That is truly the best feeling in the world. You are so awesome, willing to be patient, and giving him time and space to figure it out. I do believe you will get what you want in the end, because based on what he has said to you, he does not love her. And he does love you! YAY! Thank you so much for letting me know. I do love a happy ending, so if you two wind up together and you are not a confused chocolate chip anymore, I hope you will post it! xoxox

  • EMERY

    I met my platonic best friend my freshman year of highschool. We're currently juniors in college now, so it's been a solid seven years. We were friends in highschool, but it wasn't until we moved away to college that we became extremely close (we coincedentally went to the same university). We were both in long-term-dysfunctional relationships with people that did not go to our university or any college for that matter. We were both very lonely living in the dorms and relied heavily on each other for a shoulder to lean on.

    I'm going to preface this paragraph by stating how completely oblvious I was to our perfect, platonic relationship. I was completely engaged in my loser boyfriend and wasn't physically attracted to my best friend- so the thought of loving him absolutely never crossed my mind. Looking back, I can't believe I let such a beautiful, budding, romantic relationship slip by.

    My best friend and I ate lunch together on campus daily. We went to the gym together. We smoked cigarettes (we have both since quit) for hours bitching to each other about our significant others (I know I know, I'm such an idiot for not realizing). He took me to a baseball game. We even got caught in the rain together walking home from class…

    One summer, we were both (well, all if you include both of our significant others) back in our hometown for the summer break (by the way, the four of us were friends together). I got a call from my best friend, and he said he desperately needed to be picked up from the side of the road… Of course I couldn't leave him hanging, so naturally I drove to pick him up and take him home. It turns out he had just gotten in a serious argument with his girlfriend and they “broke up”. I listened to him the whole way to his house, and when we got there I said a “see you later” kinda thing. He insisted that I come in and have tea with him since I had no other plans. I agreed, and I continued to listen.

    Out of the blue, he leaned in to kiss me. I pulled away, A) because I had a boyfriend and B) I viewed him as a brother… we had never actually touched each other (ie: had never hugged or anything). He smiled, was very cool about it and continued to “tease me”, saying things like, “Really? Why don't you try kissing me? I've known you forever, I just want to know what your kisses are like” Suddenly, flashbacks of lunch dates, laughing hysterically, complaining about our sigo's and getting caught in the rain flooded my mind. His remarks certainly didn't help, and next thing I knew we were kissing very passionately.

    I made sure that all we did was kiss. I finally had the strength to stand up, exhale, and get the hell out of there. Since that day, this boy has me on a chain. To sum up a lengthy story, he got back together with his crazy ex and I maintained my off and on relationship with my crazy boyfriend. I ended up leaving the university and moving home to go to a community college, so our best friendship was sort of put on the backburner. However, when we'd see each other at parties or whatever we would both light up. One time, while drunk unfortunately, we snuck away to talk and ended up kissing again (JUST KISSING!). He refuses to give me any sign of affection except these random make-out-sessions, but it's always after he pours his heart out or complains about this girl. Besides, the fact that it's kissing and not going anywhere else leads me to believe it's not “booty”. Plus, I would really hope that he wouldn't sacrifice all of our therapeutic hang out sessions just to get laid once or twice.

    Finally, here's the end of the story. I've seen him a lot more recently than I have in awhile, and we're back to the whole 'we can totally hang out and it's not weird' thing. I finally got my joke of a boyfriend off my back, and I'm in much greater spirits without him. One night, I got super drunk with some of my OTHER guy friends (I really much prefer the company of guys to girls… always have) and admitted my crush. They thought it was hysterical, and I ended up calling my best friend and “proclaimed my love to him”. I turn bright red just thinking about it… OMG why would I do that…

    Anyway, he now knows, for sure, that I love him. The day after proclaiming my love he invited me to a party. Half of me thinks, huh, maybe he's just trying to keep things on the cool side and continue being friends with me without making things awkward. The other part hopes and prays that he took my drunk dial seriously and may be trying to start some sort of relationship with me. I accepted the invite and brought along a girl friend so it wouldn't be as awkward. We played it cool around each other and conversed as we always would, but when we ended up back at his place my chick friend passed out and once alond we couldn't look each other in the eyes. He told me he broke up with his girlfriend that day… and I ended up passing out right next to him (though nothing happened).

    This is such a long post- and I'm sorry. It does feel good getting it off my chest. I just need to know, does he love me too? If so, not that I give a shit at all about our exes, but they would probably murder us if they ever found out (they of course despised our closeness). Lastly, yes we've kissed but it's been brief and it's been a very long time. It's unfortunate because I imagine us finally admitting that we have feelings for one another, but after that I imagine it being incredibly weird and akward. Do we just… date? Kiss? Hold hands? Because he's such a great friend I have such a difficult time imagining us as anything more- but I want it. I feel like the best boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are when they're best friends. We know we're great friends, and he's hands down the best kisser I've ever kissed….

  • susanawalsh

    Emery, wow, what a story! I am so glad you shared it. I'll give you my impressions…

    1. I LOVE friendship as a foundation for an intimate romantic relationship. It's awesome when a person that you would do anything for becomes something much more. Having both kinds of intimacy is the absolute best, and relatively rare I think.

    2. I'm glad you liked kissing him! There is no question in my mind that one of the reasons you were so into it is because of what you feel for him. Any kind of physical contact is so much more intense when you're really feeling it emotionally.

    3. It is impossible for me to know what he is feeling, but I think it's interesting that he broke up with his gf the very next day after you drunk dialed him. It doesn't seem likely to be a coincidence.

    4. I love it that you told him what you were feeling! I'm a big believer in saying what you need to say. You took a huge risk, and you should not be ashamed or embarrassed about it. Caring deeply for another person is what life is all about. It's perfect if they return your feelings, but either way, it's nothing to be ashamed of. You can tell someone you love them and hold your head high no matter what their response is. Because it's real. How could you fake it, knowing each other for this long?

    I have to say I'm glad that you've only taking it as far as kissing so far. Adding sex into the mix would be very complicated. He needs to be totally free of his gf in order to have something real with someone else. As for his gf and your ex, I agree with you – who cares what they think? They are not allowed to stand in the way!

    Please, let me know what happens. I've got my fingers crossed for you. Yikes.

    xoxo
    Susan

  • rach

    OMG I HAVE TO HEAR FROM CONFUSED CHOCOLATE CHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    THE SUSpense Is KiLING ME!!

    It's kind of like The Office…lol. I loVE THAT SHOW!

  • susanawalsh

    Hi Rach, thanks for commenting! Come on over to the new threads, she is giving all kinds of updates in the last few posts! Haha, I'm gonna tell her what you said.

  • ConfusedChocolateChip

    Back by popular demand, just kidding : )
    First, let me say YAYYY EMERY!!! We are paddling in the same boat but you are 2 steps ahead of me. Not only have you guys kissed (on multiple occassions) but he even left his gf for you. YAYY!!! Girl it's time to pounce haha!! Seriously, though, I think you were wise not to let it progress physically. The last thing you want is to complicate things far more than they already are. I hope it all works out for you in the end :)

    Rach, thank you for your interest in my crazy complicated life. I wish I had more news to share but unfortunately things haven't gone anywhere from the last time I updated. With finals around the corner, we havent had time to really talk or anything. Aside from that I have been dealing with other issues related to my ex, whom will be receiving a bra and some tampons for Christmas since he is such a GIANT PUSSY (excuse my langauge)!!!
    I am a little fustrated, I know I need to be patient and wait for things to pan out. At the same time he needs to step his damn game up!! We disclosed that we have feelings for each other, that we have both thought about what it would be like to kiss each other, to be in a realtionship with each other; still no move has been made. I have already sent a picture of my bare ass to him (I was drunk) how much more DIRECT CAN I BE? hahaha!! But it is ok, in order to get what you want you need to put in the work. I normally send him funny Christmas gifts (because of our inside jokes). The last one was diapers lmfao!! The first time he ever had a girl go down he got so excited that after he finished she continued and he ended up peeing on her hahahaha!!! He was so embarassed but it was so hysterical I could not let him lie that down haha!! Anywho, this year I was going to send him a first aid kit with ice packs, lots of superhero bandaids, and lollipops for being a good patient lol!! Over his summer break he went rock climbing fell backwards, the rope got tangled around his leg and had him dangling in mid-air. He hurt his leg pretty badly but luckily it healed up nicely. Thanksgiving break he sprained his ankle. Christmas break is coming so he needs to be prepared!! I also thought it would be cute if I send him a box filled with Hershey Kisses with a note saying “Now you can't say I never kissed you”. It's simple, cute, and a flirtatious reminder that I am still interested in him. Kind of like a “WAKE UP CALL”. If that doesn't work I may need to invest in Neon signs saying “MAKE YOUR MOVE FOOL!!” Well that's it for now I'll be sure to keep you posted

  • ConfusedChocolateChip

    Back by popular demand, just kidding : )
    First, let me say YAYYY EMERY!!! We are paddling in the same boat but you are 2 steps ahead of me. Not only have you guys kissed (on multiple occassions) but he even left his gf for you. YAYY!!! Girl it's time to pounce haha!! Seriously, though, I think you were wise not to let it progress physically. The last thing you want is to complicate things far more than they already are. I hope it all works out for you in the end :)

    Rach, thank you for your interest in my crazy complicated life. I wish I had more news to share but unfortunately things haven't gone anywhere from the last time I updated. With finals around the corner, we havent had time to really talk or anything. Aside from that I have been dealing with other issues related to my ex, whom will be receiving a bra and some tampons for Christmas since he is such a GIANT PUSSY (excuse my langauge)!!!
    I am a little fustrated, I know I need to be patient and wait for things to pan out. At the same time he needs to step his damn game up!! We disclosed that we have feelings for each other, that we have both thought about what it would be like to kiss each other, to be in a realtionship with each other; still no move has been made. I have already sent a picture of my bare ass to him (I was drunk) how much more DIRECT CAN I BE? hahaha!! But it is ok, in order to get what you want you need to put in the work. I normally send him funny Christmas gifts (because of our inside jokes). The last one was diapers lmfao!! The first time he ever had a girl go down he got so excited that after he finished she continued and he ended up peeing on her hahahaha!!! He was so embarassed but it was so hysterical I could not let him lie that down haha!! Anywho, this year I was going to send him a first aid kit with ice packs, lots of superhero bandaids, and lollipops for being a good patient lol!! Over his summer break he went rock climbing fell backwards, the rope got tangled around his leg and had him dangling in mid-air. He hurt his leg pretty badly but luckily it healed up nicely. Thanksgiving break he sprained his ankle. Christmas break is coming so he needs to be prepared!! I also thought it would be cute if I send him a box filled with Hershey Kisses with a note saying “Now you can't say I never kissed you”. It's simple, cute, and a flirtatious reminder that I am still interested in him. Kind of like a “WAKE UP CALL”. If that doesn't work I may need to invest in Neon signs saying “MAKE YOUR MOVE FOOL!!” Well that's it for now I'll be sure to keep you posted

  • valmont

    “I remember a post-sex moment with a dear friend – he started telling me about his father's funeral, kissing his father at the wake. If we'd never had sex, that conversation would have been something I would have handled really well, like a true friend. Because we were naked, I felt over-exposed, and in over my head. It ruined our friendship. I just couldn't take the vulnerability plus sex.”

    Hi susan, could you extrapolate a bit further on the bit where you “couldn't take the vulnerability plus” bit

  • susanawalsh

    Hi Valmont, it was just a sense of being overwhelmed with his need. I remember he was emotionally tortured telling the story – he had kissed his dead father on the lips, and when he pulled away, the makeup came with him, and it really freaked him out. He kind of lost it telling the story, and I felt like I didn't know what to say or how to help. If I had been a platonic friend, I would have hugged him and been nurturing, just like I would act with a woman friend. But because we were involved his vulnerability frightened me a bit. I felt responsible for making him feel better, and I didn't want that responsibility. It felt like he was naked physically, plus naked emotionally. It was too much, I wasn't ready.

  • valmont

    I do understand you… it would have scared me away too.however there are a lot of people online who are saying that guys should open up and reveal all their vulnerabilities and communication all their emotions asap, and wear their hearts on their sleeves and that doing other wise (i.e. holding emotions) is “playing games”.

  • susanawalsh

    Wrong! I disagree! A man who reveals his emotions asap is doomed. I think you've seen me say this before – women want a man who is not afraid to reveal a vulnerability, but he should pace himself. Too much too soon comes off as clingy and needy – the kiss of death. A woman should have to earn intimacy and trust, just as a man should. When a couple becomes intimate, they've already established they have feelings for each other, then he should make it clear he cares. Once the woman is invested, she needs to hear that. But she doesn't want him putting himself in a one-down position. So, for example, he might say, “I'm really into you. Let's hang out again soon.” That reveals his interest, with confidence. It's better than, “I had a really nice time. What are you doing tomorrow?” It's all about balance, and timing.

  • katee

    haha,this is really good :)

  • susanawalsh

    Thanks, katee! Come back again!

  • icewolf

    Wow. Well, I really don't know where to even begin! My best guy friend and I met in high school and I don't really even KNOW how we became friends. He was the popular, perfect-looking funny guy who was like the beehive the girls swarmed around and I kind of thought, just based on the attention he got, that he was kind of a snob. And then one day he just started following me around everywhere I went and talked to me non-stop. Now I wasn't popular and I'm SO ordinary-looking it's ridiculous, so I was really perturbed when he started paying all this attention to me

    Now he had a girlfriend of about two years and I had just started dating my first boyfriend (yeah yeah I know what you're probably thinking) and so we had no interest in one another. But as I went through a lot of problems with my guy, he was always there for me. Soon his girl broke up with him and we kind of kept each other close for moral support. I took care of him during the school year when his ex went on to date his best guy friend, and he took care of me over the summer when the moron I dated finally dumped me.

    I never saw him as anything until a random day my senior year of high school. My ex was trying to catch my attention again and I was torn between him and my growing feelings for my best friend. Needless to say after a LOT of fireworks going off between my friend and I with rumors that we might be secretly dating, I went back to my ex like the spineless person I was. And my friend was not happy.

    And the whole time I was with my guy, I still said to myself, “If (enter best friend's name here) would just tell me how he felt about me, I would end this relationship and go to him.” But I needed a distraction before I did or said something stupid.

    This boy I met who was friends with my best friend became like my brother and let me in on a big secret. My best friend… DID like me. A LOT. But he didn't want me to know about it. Months passed. Another friend of ours told me that my guy friend liked me but he wanted ME to make the first move. This frustrated me to no end because he ALWAYS asked the girls out; with absolutely NO fear at all. And then when it came to ME he chickened out. UGH!!!

    We graduated. He went up North to a university and I stayed in town and went to a community college. Our friendship kind of lost it's strength after he found out how I felt about him. He told me, “I love you. You know I do. But just not in that way. I never have and I don't think I ever will.” It didn't hurt really that much to hear him say that because I had always thought it to be true even when EVERYONE else said, “Tell him! He likes you! A LOT! Just do it before he leaves.”

    And now it's been a little under a year and we've been talking a few times a week. His life is really busy up at the university (and I understand that) andI've been trying to get him to hang out with me but really to no avail. I was about to give up and just say “to hell with it” when he sent me a random text telling me that he needed to break up with his girlfriend. I was a little confused and when I asked him about it he just sent this reply: “Nvm.”

    He keeps asking me to plan something for us to do when he comes into town and then when he gets here he can never hang out because of family or because he has other plans. I can't keep making plans when he's only going to shut me down again, but he still keeps telling me, “Sorry about last weekend. I'm coming back though! Let's hang out!” or he'll call me when he's on his way back into town and say, “I'm on my way!” And then I won't hear from him until he's already back on campus.

    What can I do? I want to just give up but my heart doesn't want to and neither do all my friends and family members.

  • susanawalsh

    Icewolf, thanks so much for leaving a question, welcome to HUS. This is clear to me, but you are not going to like it. You have to let this go. In all the time you have known him, he has never expressed feelings for you directly. Friends who mean well are notoriously unreliable – never take a guy's friend's word for anything. Similarly, you friends and family love you and don't want to see you get hurt. It's impossible for them to be objective, which is why I'm here.

    Since he told you that he doesn't feel that way about you, and never has, you have to believe him. It's also clear that he is not making hanging out with you a priority. It's true that he's keeping in touch, but that is probably as a friend only. In fact, he's been extremely rude – calling when he's on his way into town, and then not again until he's back on campus is very inconsiderate. That's not the behavior of a good friend, much less something more.

    You deserve someone who will make you a priority, and who is not ambivalent about his feelings. I would put some distance between you and this guy until you feel that you can communicate as friends only, and that you have moved on emotionally.

  • icewolf

    Thank you so much for responding! I'm actually not upset to get your advice at all because in my head I knew that's the right thing to do. He said he wants to hang out this weekend but I already know– through past experiences– that that's not happening.

    As a friend I've always been there for him and there was once a time when he did the same for me and he just suddenly stopped one day. It got to the point where when he was dating a girl he wouldn't even talk to me because they didn't like how close we were and I even told him myself, “I'm sorry but I really refuse to be your side-dish friend.”

    So thank you so much for giving me that last push that I needed! I'm on my way down that path to recovery and I'm doing so strongly! :)

  • susanawalsh

    Yay, icewolf, I am so happy to hear you say that! I'm glad I confirmed what you already knew – that's the way it often happens.

    Keep us posted!

  • AlwaysGrace78

    I have read all of the posts. I am glad to not be alone in this best guy friend boat. I am going to share my story in hopes of some advice/objective thoughts. I am so confused and torn. I have talked my one girlfriend's ear totally off about this subject.

    I met my best guy friend at work. I was going through a bad divorce when I first start working with him. When I met my friend I felt something instantly. He is an engineer. I was a secretary. From where my desk was, I could see him at his desk out in the laboratory. He and I would always exchange long gazes. I would look away and when I looked up, he would be looking at me. We would catch one anothers eyes and hold the looks. He would come up to the office alot and flirt and/or tease me. We started talking more and more. He and I share a lot of similar interests, and we quickly discovered this.

    After about four or five months of working together, flirting, and our staring at one another, I decided to ask him if he wanted to have a drink. I was far too shy to ask personally so I emailed him. I told him that I was developing a crush on him and would he be interested in joining me for a drink sometime. He responded that evening via his personal email address. He sent me a lenghty email about how he had gone through a terrible divorce a few years back. He also told me that he was involved with a past secretary and things became very ugly. He said that he vowed to never let that happen again. That he was a guy and of course he had thoughts about me, but that his thoughts had to stay in his head because he had vowed to not get involved with any one at work. He did say that he would love to get to know me better and that if I was still interested in drinks, to name the day and time. Of course, I was somewhat bummed, but I agreed to continue on with drinks. (I found out the full story of his workplace romance, and WOAH, bad bad thing, and I respected his decision).

    Anyway, so our friendship continued to grow. The staring contests grew more and more intense. We started hanging out more and more. He would bring in movies for me to borrow and we would discuss them. Life was great. Of course, my feelings grew more and more. We ended up going to Vegas together, just he and I, after about a year of me being at my job. We had a great time together. Flirting, touching, walking arm in arm, him showing me all around, and everyone thinking we were a couple didn't seem to bother him one bit. Shared a room. Nothing happened. Of course, I secretly hoped that something would happen, but it never did.

    Coming into work after being with him in Vegas of course everyone was giving me that look like, we know something had to have happened. I was ok with everyone thinking something did happen. He and I continued to share our looks at one another, our excessive flirting, and my sitting at his desk for lunch sometimes while he helped me with my homework.

    The next major event was a co-workers wedding. Of course, he and I were sat at the same table. And of course, we sat next to one another. We both drank. A lot. I danced with my co-workers wives. He watched me dance. He never dances, but I pulled him out onto the dance floor for a slow dance. He held me close, and I can still feel those feelings I had in my stomach. I am pretty sure that everyone was shocked by this. We had yet another amazing time together. He was worried about me driving home so he and I went to grab a bite to eat after the reception ended at midnight. He and I chatted and chatted. We sat at the restaurant until 5am. When we left the restaurant, he accidentally went the wrong way on the freeway, and I pretended not to notice. I am not sure if this was intentional or not, but it took us about 20 minutes out of our way. He joked about driving to another state to check it out. I was like sure. He said, someday we will. Of course, the night ended with just another hug.

    Our bar nights increased. Our closeness increased. My feelings grew and grew. My friends knew all about him, everything he would do and say, and insisted that he liked me. Of course, I knew that if he did like me, nothing would ever happen while we were still co-workers. My friends and I were sitting around one Sunday talking about him, and they were like, you need to tell him that you are going to cook for him tomorrow night (as my roommate was going to be gone for the night). So, I sent him a text asking what he was doing tomorrow night. He replied with nothing, why. I said because you are going to come over for dinner. He said, really, are you asking or telling me? I said I am telling you. He said, well alright then! What time?! I was excited!!! From there, our text messages got a little more intense…and I thought that maybe when he came over the night would end with a kiss. So, our day at work Monday was nuts. He was busy, I was busy, and at about 4:45pm he sent me a little email saying, I don't know about you, but I am beat from today. I do not want you to have to go home and cook for me, why don't I take you out to dinner? I was a little bummed, but excited, so I said, sure! He said, I will pick you up at 6pm, let me know where you want to go. I said, ok see you then! So, I rushed home, got ready, and he picked me up. We went out and had a great time at dinner. We had drinks and nice converesation. When leaving the restaurant, he said, want to go have a few more drinks at the bar? I said, sure. On the way to the bar, I told him I was a little bummed that I could not cook for him. He said, well, I wanted to come over, look I even had wine to bring. He said, but I just did not want you to have to cook after today. You had a crazy day. So, arrived at the bar and yet again, had a great time closing it down. And yet, the evening again, ended with a hug. My friends were shocked. They suggested I ask him.

    So, I did. The next night I sent him a text. I told him how I felt. I asked him if he felt the same and if so, what would we do about it. He text me back. He admitted that he would be lying if he said he does not have feelings or thoughts about me. He said again that he has to keep thoughts feelings and thoughts to himself because we work together. He said that he was sorry, but we could only be friends. I was bummed. I stayed quiet for a little bit, but of course, nothing changed between he and I.

    Time kept going by as it does and things were the same. We went out, our flirting increased, our staring increased. He seemed bothered by other guys hitting on me at the bar. Sometimes, guys would come up to him and ask him if it was ok to ask me to dance or even talk to me. I would tell the guys he was my boyfriend. My friend was fine with this. Anytime we went out with other co-workers or just the two of us, he always paid for me. He and I always sat together. It got to the point where my co-workers asked if he and I were dating. One co-worker in particular said that he had changed in a good way. He was happier. We went to Vegas together two more times, of course, nothing happened other than us being more and more comfortable together. We would talk to other couples as though we were a couple He paid for everything, despite how much I argued with him. On one of our trips, another co-worker and his girlfriend went with us. Of course, my other co-worker thought that he and I were totally a couple. He did not believe for one second that we were just friends.

    Everytime I would come home from Vegas with him or hanging out, my friends were just amazed that still nothing had happened. My feelings were so strong that I decided it was time to find another job. So I did. He was upset that I was leaving, but he wanted the best for me. We went out with other co-workers that night to celebrate my putting in a two-week notice. Of course, everyone left pretty early, leaving just he and I to finish out the night. We were sitting at our table talking when this random drunk guy came up to us and put his arms around us. He said to my friend, “I can really tell how in love the two of you are, and it is great to see. You have yourself a very pretty lady here.” I told the guy that he and I were just friends. They guy looked at him and said, “are you crazy? Why aren't you dating this girl. I know you like her and I am pretty sure she likes you, so go for it man.” My friend was like, well we work together. She just put her notice in, so I have to wait two weeks to make my move. I was in heaven!!!! The guy was like, “oh just go on and kiss her man, two weeks, what the hell?!!” of course, my friend did not kiss her. The guy asked if him if he could kiss me on the cheek and my friend said, its up to her. I was amazed that this guy came up to us and pretty much called us out on our feelings. So, I just had to make it through two weeks. We both acted as though nothing had happened, like that was totally normal.

    So, two weeks went by, and of course, we went out to celebrate my last day. We had a great time. We both were drinking a lot. It was a great night. But, nothing happened at the end.

    I sent him a text the next day asking him if we could start seeing one another now that we are no longer co-workers. He told me that I think too much and to let him do the thinking. I was not sure what this meant.

    Of course, time went on as it always does. We continued to see one another, but not quite as often. We kept in touch. He was looking for a roommate. He wanted me to move in. I started seeing someone else in the meantime and did not tell him. I wanted to move in, but I was not sure how my new guy would feel.

    My friend and I ended up attending another weddding together for another co-worker (well, my ex-coworker, technically). I asked one of my old co-workers to slow dance with me, and he responded with, well are you sure its ok with him? I don't want to upset him. I said, why wouldn't it be, we are just friends. He was like, you are?!? Like all shocked. This frustrated me. My friend watched while I danced and partied it up with everyone. I did not ever pull him onto the dance floor. I regretted this later.

    Anyway, it is now almost five years later. He and my situation has not changed. I am his friend. He still treats me like I am more than that, but when confronted, he does not want to ruin the relationship. Anytime we are out, people think we are together. There is tension and something between us that is so strong. Everytime I hang out with him, I think about him for days/weeks until the next time I see him. I usually can not wait to see him again. I am still with that one guy. I am pretty sure that things will not work out between my current boyfriend and I because I am fairly certain I am in love with my best friend. It is not fair for my boyfriend to have a girlfriend that is in love with another man.

    My friend and I went out this past weekend. I just found out my ex husband got remarried in January. When I found out, I was so upset. Of course, the first thing I did was text my friend. He was nothing but supportive. I needed him, so we met for drinks. He greeted me with a huge hug. I cried and cried to him. All the girls at this bar think I am his girlfriend. One of the bar girls came up to him and asked him something, and he looked at me and said, “are you my girlfriend?” I quickly responded with, “yes”. The bar girl walked away. He said, I think it is funny that you think all these girls here like me and I like them, but the truth is that they all think you are my girlfriend. I asked him if this bothers him. He said no. So, he and I continued our talk. The way he was talking and what he was saying was making me feel as though he was trying to tell me something. But, I have been wrong about things so many times that I have no clue what to think anymore.

    I know this is a lot of information. I have actually left out a lot of stuff. The point is that everyone around us thinks we are together. Everyone is shocked when they find out we aren't. Do you think he likes me? If so, why has nothing happened???!!!

    HELP!!! I have been plagued by this for almost six years now!

  • susanawalsh

    AlwaysGrace, thanks for sharing your story. Wow, it's a pretty incredible situation. Since you asked, I'll give it to you straight, but you are not going to like it. Here's the bottom line:

    You need to quit this friendship 100%, cold turkey.

    You have spent six years in love with someone who does not love you back, and I don't want you to waste one more minute of time or heartache. If I thought you could be platonic friends, I'd say, sure, why not, but your story makes it very clear this is impossible.

    I don't know why he gives you longing looks. I don't know why he pays, why he is happy to go on trips with you. But you have offered no-strings sex on more than one occasion, and he didn't take the bait. Which makes me wonder A LOT about him, frankly. There are three possibilities:

    1. He is gay.
    2. He has sex with other women.
    3. He is asexual.

    Any one of these choices is no-win for you.

    Your friends love you and want you to have this, which is why they are the worst possible source of advice. They are not objective. Coworkers who see you together think you have a strong bond because his actions are confusing. It is certainly understandable why you would find them so, and think that they mean something. But his excuse for not being involved ended FIVE YEARS ago, and nothing has changed!

    You must make a clean break. Perhaps you can make it work with your BF, or maybe you'll need to move on and find someone new. You should not keep giving your heart to a man who has repeatedly said that he does not want it. Take him at his word.

    I just wrote a post this week that I think you should read. In particular, go down to the comments and read what the guys say about how to tell if a man feels something for you, and why women should not imagine that a guy cares when he says he doesn't. There's a lot of good advice there. I'm sorry to be so negative, but I can't see anything in this story that is encouraging for you.

    http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2010/03/08/hookin

  • AlwaysGrace78

    Thank you very much for giving it to me straight. I actually did like everything that you had to say.I have finally let my feelings go because what you said makes so much sense to me. I always knew in the back of my mind that my friend was just that…a friend. Of course, my girlfriends encouraged my feelings for him. They were all convinced that he liked me more than a friend.

    I am glad that I posted my story on here. I am glad that I have let my feelings go. What a waste of a few years for me!

    Thank you so much for helping me get my life back!!!

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/susanawalsh susanawalsh

      I'm so glad you followed up! I am really pleased that you have such a positive attitude about leaving this man behind. You deserve someone who really loves you, and does not suffer from sexual dysfunction! Best of luck – you have a lot to offer, and you will feel good about closing this door, I think.

  • sweetchickpea

    wow, this blog is amazing! I enjoyed reading this article and it was the first one I have read, I'm sure I'll be checking out all the other ones!

    My situation is a little complicated: I have been in a relationship for almost three years and we broke up very recently, a few weeks back. The thing is, I have slowly started to fall for his best friend over time. I have always been attracted to him and more and more recently, sexual tension has escalated between us immensely! To a point that my best female friend felt it and told me! We have started hanging out alot and exclusively together at times. I have been yearning so much to hook up with him and get closer to him, but after awkward conversations and my subtle advances it seems he backs down and does not want to do anything because I am his best friend's ex. Honestly, it's a little funny because the bullets listed in this article is what I have been doing to get a hookup! I think he may try to distance himself from me, but sometimes he is confusing as the sexual tension is always there. :/

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/susanawalsh susanawalsh

      Hi sweetchickpea, welcome! Your situation sounds like a tough one, for sure. As you know, guys are very hung up on the Man Code. If this guy values his friendship with your ex, he is going to be wary. I think the most significant thing is that it was a three year relationship, and you've only been apart a few weeks. This is a time when I would urge you to be single for a bit. You can't possibly be over your ex, and hooking up with his BFF sounds like a recipe for disaster. The attraction might be there on both sides, but the timing is TERRIBLE. I would let it go for now. If you're ready to see someone new, there are plenty of fish in the sea. In time, if you remain friends, you may both find that you are ready to pursue this, but it's way too soon for this to feel right. If you do hook up, there is likely to be drama and regret. I'm sorry to be such a buzzkill – there is nothing better than acting out sexual tension! It's no fun to throw a big, beautiful fish back.

  • betty

    I must say that this blog is AMAZIING!!
    well Susan, i hope you could help me with this mess i have made for myself.. let me start from the top:

    You see, Im kinda this shy girl who have trust issues with people, and do not let too many in, and when i first do let some one in, it takes for ever.. 4 years ago i met this amazing guy, who was the opposite of me; so sure of himself and the true prince charming.. not get me wrong i was sure of myself, but just shy..
    we met true friends and he was sure that i was the one, and i was veeeeery unsure.. this is the first guy i ever given a real chance…well we started dating, and he was too good to be true. with this in mind, I let my friends fill my head with what he had done, rumors here, rumors there, and i did the worst thing i could possiable do i let it affect me.. we had been dating for 3 months, and we were about to be exclusive when i had a flip out of nothing and broke things of with him.. and i did it the worst kind of way, by a SMS.. i know i broke his heart. But for me that point, it was break his before he breaks your, but what i did was i broke my own.. we didnt speak for a year, thn we got the contact back,and he told me he misses me and wanted to take up where wee broke of… i was soooo happy, but i didnt think that he needed me to show taht i was sincere and all that, instead i was playing it cool and waitning for him to proceed to me.. well this ended up badly aswell.. and now we didnt speeak for a long time.. when we did get our contact back, he was flirting alot but i didnt want to go there, but he didnt want to let me go, it was like even if he could have me as a girlfriend it was cool aslong as i was a part of his life.
    well, then out of the blue we asked me if i wanted to start something because misunderstandments had ruined between us every single time, but i said that i didnt know.. little did i know he was dating a girl, and short time after this; she was his girlfriend… the dated now for 1 and halv years; AND HE KEPT CONTACT with me.. i mean called me, text me, emailed me almost everyday!! wanted to meet me.. i was always kinda akward about that, and every chance i had, i wanted to know if his girlfriend knew we were friends, because im not that kinda girl.
    he was always into knowing what happend between us, what could we do to change things and so on..
    Now he and his girllfriend cut things off, and he has cutt of almost all of his friends, and me and 3 others is the only people he still is in contact with..when he and his girlfriend broke up i found out that she didnt knew we were friends, and i be like, how is that possibale he spoke all the time, how can she dont notice this

    I see him as a bestfriend because he has been there for me alot these last years, but i must admit i have feelings for him, and i belive he does to. We are friends now, but there is a tensen there and i dont know, he jokes that when we get 30 and still single we should get married, and he offend mention how our kids would be like, and that i should be his wife…
    i dont know what to do.. im so scared of opening up and getting slapped by shame hhaha i would die, aaaaahhrrg.. this is taking soo much energy and time..

    What should i do susan? and do u think he likes me

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      Hi Betty, welcome to HUS! Thanks for leaving a comment. I have to say you have been such an idiot! You know that already, of course, because you pushed away a guy you were really crazy about. I’m surprised that he still tries hard to get things going – he obviously does understand that it was about misunderstanding one another.

      It sounds like he really fell for you and never got over you all these years. It is sort of shady that he was dating someone and not telling either of you, but I’m sure he didn’t want to make another bad decision, only to get rejected by you again. In any case, he’s now broken up with her and it sounds like he is available, and probably still interested.

      I would suggest spending time together as friends, and see how it feels to be in close touch. If you feel certain that you care for him, and would not hurt him again, then tell him and see what he says. After all, you’ve never been the one to take the risk before – it’s time you took a turn. If you get turned down, it’s not the end of the world – we all experience rejection, especially when we’re going after something we really want.

  • Lord

    Wow i am a guy and reading this blog makes my head spin. The long and arduous journey of women to find relationship.

    Im not saying it’s impossible to have platonic relationship, because i have one. I have women friend since 5 years ago and we have some sort of platonic relationship. We both have partner and enjoying our friendship even though sometimes our partner give us those “eyes” (jealous look) when we met or even chat. Im pretty sure she dont have feeling for me, im totally not her type, and i dont have too, because i see her as a friend and no more.

    We hangout, chat, share about the embarrassing things we both did, even give each other suggestions. she definitely needs to go to the psychiatrist (some embarrassing problem with sex n her partner), and i need to go out more and stop being nerd, geek, and depressed all the time :D

    I suppose it is not impossible to have that kind of relationship, but sure it is hard and finding the right friend may have to do with that. Put woman and a man together and they will start develop feeling. Love begins as accustomed (old proverb from my country).

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      Hi Lord, thanks for leaving a comment. It’s great that you have found a friendship that works so well. It does happen, and although it can cause feelings that aren’t mutual, or jealousy from a partner, it’s wonderful when it works well for both parties.

  • Samantha B.

    What a great post..really got me thinking. I’ve known this guy for many years but recently have become good friends and I know he cares about my life. We’ve had serious conversations and he has asked me what I’m looking for in a man and what kind of wife I see myself being. However, he has suddenly gotten touchy-feely with me (tight long hugs, touching my arm). He also flirts, but he is a flirty kind of guy (he flirts with other girls too). He checks me out and smiles alot. He has never asked me out or called me. Could all these signs of affection just mean he is starting to really care about me just as a friend? Why would a guy suddenly start touching? Also, he is a close friend of my bro. Would that have something to do with it?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      Hi Samantha, welcome. It does sound like there’s some sexual tension building! In my experience, guys don’t usually invest a lot of time and energy in platonic friendships with women. If he is a close friend of your brother’s, he may view as “off limits” in some way. If you are close to your brother, he would be a really good person to ask. If he thinks this guy would be good for you, and is interested, he’ll tell you. If he doesn’t, I would listen to his advice. Guys are very good at knowing which of their friends would make good boyfriends.

  • Samantha B.

    Thanks for responding Susan! This is such a great blog. Yes, him and my bro are very very close. My bro has mentioned he would rather me date him than some of my brother’s other friends, but when the three of us are together, my brother seems a little uncomfortable. I just don’t want to bring this up just in case I really am viewed as a “sister.” I’ve always thought he didnt care for me in that way, but now that he is getting more touchy, I’m starting to wonder? And since he has never initiated any dates (but says anytime I want to go out to let him know) it seems more like a bro-sis relationship. I just don’t want to read into this wrong and cause awkwardness when all along he just cared for me as a sister. I’m never good at figuring out when a guy friend starts to develop feelings. Many points on this post describe him, but not all. So many mixed signals.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    Samantha, the best way of learning how he really feels is by waiting patiently and seeing if he initiates. If you suggest hanging out, and he’s all about it, you still won’t know whether you’re in the friend box. If he likes you, it is bound to become clear at some point. There’s no reason for him to hide it – hang in there!

  • Matt T

    You’re the first female I’ve known who has acknowledged that platonic relationships between guys and girls are impossible to maintain, because usually one side (often the guy, sometimes the girl) wants something more. Cool.
    Most intelligent people recognize that when a girl says “let’s just be friends”, she’s trying to say the following:

    You have failed to build enough attraction with me. Therefore, I do not have sexual feelings for you. But it is in my interest to string you along for various favors and whatnot, so I’ll try to keep you around on my terms.

    Somehow, when a girl is confronted about this, she will lie and try to insist that she really wants to be friends, but we all know that isn’t the case. Even if it is, true friendships bring happiness and comfort to both parties, not anguish and disappointment, and girls enter into these friendships with full knowledge of what the result will be, so it’s a safe bet that it’s a lie.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Matt T

    It’s true that some women do that. However, I know that sometimes women view a guy the same way they view a girl friend. To women, friends provide a shoulder to cry on – women as well as men. They want a guy friend to be close and intimate without having any desire for them. And this is generally impossible. It’s almost never in a straight guy’s best interest to be buddies with a girl he finds attractive. I guess I just want to say that it can be a lie, but it can also be a heartfelt wish to be friends. It’s just that it sucks for the guy. Of course, a guy can make an effort to build sexual attraction and turn everything around. I’ve seen it happen many times.

  • Rockabella

    This blog is absolutely brilliant and I find it most interesting to read the posts! 
    But first I want to apollogise for any grammatical or spelling errors I might make, since English is not my mothertongue.
    I hope you might have any advise for me concerning my confusing situation. I’m sorry that it is such a long story but I really try to keep it as ‘short’ as possible!

    About six years ago I met this really handsome guy on a party of one of my fellow students at uni, he was a friend of a friend. I first recognised him because he is quite tall which is always a nice thing when as a women you’re six foot tall. We got on very well, but only met at parties of this ‘shared friend’ in the beginning. After some time he started to contact me directly whenever he was going out and so did I. Soon we became friends and discovered that we had much in common. Unfortunately we weren’t already ‘best friends’ when I left the city for studying a year abroad, so he didn’t visit me. When I returned we carried on to go out together, but usually accompanied by other friends. Our friendship grew closer and closer and I felt quite comfortable due to his attitude towards me, he is just such a ‘Rock’n Roll prince charming’ but I didn’t have more serious feelings towards him, I just enjoyed his company. We called each other ‘darling’ and ‘baby’ and pretended to be flirty from time to time, but more as a joke. To the point that I got the impression that he really had something like a crush on me. All my friends told me so but I (in my mid twenties) acted like a shy teenager, I just couldn’t ask him how he felt because I was afraid of ruining this very special relationship we had. Come as it may, I finally started to have a crush on him too and his behaviour didn’t make the situation even better. He kept on telling me how shy he was, how much he liked me as a friend, how much he liked strong women, that he liked women with ‘monroe hips’ etc… Well,  finally on a night at a friends place when we were outside to catch some fresh air I asked him if there was anything more than friendship between us and he said ‘no’. Surprisingly I felt totally relieved by his answer and and just replied ‘that’s good’.

    We got on as best friends and to my surprise it didn’t take long until my feelings towards him were back to normal. We continued to go out together, having great nights in and out, having wonderful conversations, just being best friends (well we actually made this ‘pact’ of marrying each other in about ten years if were both still single mentioned above).
    About six month ago I moved back to my mums house in a neighbouring city because I would not be able to continue working during my finals at uni and just couldn’t afford my former flat anymore. Due to the distance and all my studyingfor the finals we didn’t go out together as much as we used to. Sometimes we went out in ‘his city’ and sometimes in ‘mine’ just taking the first train in the morning after a long night out to go back home. Then to my surprise at a night out in ‘my city’ when we were on our own without any other friends he sarted to introduce us as a couple. I thought it was funny and just played along with him, because we were being a bit silly that night anyway, having a lot of laughs. I really didn’t take it seriously.
    Now, the day before yesterday I handed in my thesis and we had some sparkling wine with some friends at uni to celebrate. Later we decided to take the last train to ‘my city’ to keep on celebrating. On the journey he started a quite serious conversation on our friendship. Among other things such as how precious I am to him he told me that it hurts him when I mention that I find a specific actor attractive who is per example more muscular than him (he is rather skinny). I found this attitude more or less weird and bluntly told him that I don’t like it when he says anything rude about big girls because I am not as skinny as he is. Sometimes I just don’t think before speaking, I could slap myself for this behaviour. Anyway, when we arrived we went on to a bar and had a great time as usual. At one point when I came back from the lady’s room I catched him not denying us to be a couple when someone talked to him who thought I was his girlfriend. Well, I pretended to not having overheard the conversation and thought I might play that bf/gf-game with him one more time but thats it. He sarted to hold my hand more often than normal and even took my hand and put it on his tight one time. To be honest we had quite some drinks and I thought he was just getting a little too close thanks to the alcohol but since he is my best friend it was ok for me. When we went to to the trainstation we walked hand in hand and it started to feel surprisingly natural to me. When we reached his platform we huged each other as usual before I go on to my platform. We were standing near the wall but instead of just hugging me, this time he  pressed me against that wall and kissed me, and I kissed back. It felt so right. We kissed for a couple of minutes until I really had to leave him to catch my train.

    I am entirely confused now! I really had no crush on him anymore thats for sure. But now… I can’t say what I feel. This moment keeps on popping back into my mind. But I don’t know what to do, he only wrote me a message on a social network saying what a great night it was as usual but not mentioning what has happened. And since I still have to study for the last final exams I think we might not see each other for some weeks. And I don’t know if he was just drunk or feels something for me. This situation freaks me out! I have no idea how to behave the next time we meet and to be honest I am kind of afraid how he’s going to behave towards me.  

  • barb

    I have a question about all of this what happens if your in a realtionship and you see your crush actually cares?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @barb
      I’m not sure I understand your question – you’re in a relationship and a separate guy friend likes you? Depends on which guy you really care for. You need to be honest and empathic in dealing with both of them.

  • Jen

    I’ve got a story for you. First, I found this blog because I wanted to see opinions on hooking up with friends, here’s some back story so you can better undertsand my situation.

    I am a 33 yr old virgin. Initially, by choice now partially by circumstance. What I mean is I was raised christian and raised to believe that you save yourself for marriage plus there is the issue of pregnancy while not married and of course STDs. Now, I am older and I am very curious about sex and sometimes I wish I didn’t save myself because I have yet to find the man for me but at the same time I’ve waited this long, I am not going to give it up to just anyone plus I still fear STD’s and of course becoming and unwed mother. The most I’ve ever done with a guy is make out. I’ve never even had oral or performed it on anyone.

    Anyway, here is my story, I met this guy a little over 2 years ago and when we met we had an instant connection as friends! He was very cute just a little bit shorter. Never saw him in any other way. During our friendship, I’ve dated various people. He is single and his job causes him to travel a lot so I see every other month or so, But when we spend time together it’s platonic and it’s so much fun! About a year ago, we some how started talking about sex and I told him that I’ve never had any. He was in total shock! Since, then he’s become more flirty with his texts and emails and the idea of fooing around has been thrown up in the air. At first, I didn’t really desire it but now I’ve noticed that when we spend time together I’m looking at his lips and just seeing him in a different way. I don’t think he is the man for me but to be honest I wouldn’t mind messing around with him, I just wouldn’t have sex yet. So, I am torn because I really want to make out with him but at the same time I don’t want to mess up our friendship or make it weird in any other way.

    I don’t know what to do. Part of me is like it would be great to get experience with someone I am comfortable with (and no I don’t mean sexual intercourse but with the other things I’ve never done) plus he is really cute! BUT I really don’t want to make our friendship weird and he knows I am hesitant about going there with him which he finds cute but I don’t find it cute. Lately, it’s gotten so bad that I’ve begun having lustful dreams about him.

    So, at this point I need some advice, so lay it on me.

  • Jen

    btw, sorry for my typos. Apparently, I wrote to fast!

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Jen
    I don’t know if my advice will be any good, but my instinct is to tell you to go for it! Here’s the thing – your friendship is already changing. Sexual tension has definitely been introduced, and there’s no going back. You don’t have to get involved, obviously, but the friendship has already become something different. Maybe making out with him will make it even better!
    .
    I’m not sure why he isn’t the man for you – your friendship is a great foundation for something more! I say go with your gut feel – if you both feel attracted to one another, kiss! See how that feels. Swapping saliva is an exchange of genetic information – kissing will tell you a lot about how the two of you as a pair.
    .
    Keep me posted!

  • Anonymous

    it makes me sad to see how incredibly stereotypical this article is, *sigh*.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Rockabella
    I’m sorry, I just found your comment in my inbox! Somehow it slipped through the cracks – I do try to answer every question. Well. It has been a full month since you asked, so I am not sure what has happened! I will say this – he Is obviously very attracted to you. So – strong sexual attraction + friendship = ? It should be something special – a relationship! And yet, if he has “decided” to remain unattached, he may resist taking this step. The two of you definitely need to talk this through. Ask him why he kissed you. If you have feelings for him, and would like to be a couple, then you need to acknowledge that’s what you want. Because if you keep going along like this, falling for him, being intimate, without any idea where this is going, you are risking heartbreak, not to mention wasting time.
    PLEASE give me an update! Again, I’m sorry to be so long in responding.

  • Kelsey S.

    What a good article! My guy friend has asked me several times what I am looking for in a man and what my ideal guy would be. Does this for sure mean he’s interested? Would a guy friend ask this just out of curiosity and being comfortable talking with me about relationships? He has shown some other signs that you listed as well. Maybe I have just been oblivious this whole time to his interest.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Kelsey
    Thanks! Sounds like your friend is curious – definitely start paying attention. If you’re interested in him it will be important to let him know that. Come back soon – I usually post 3x’s a week.

  • Anonymous

    Its interesting reading through everyone’s stories. I hope you can help me with mine. I’m not good with men, I don’t know what they’re thinking, and I’m so confused right now.

    I’ve been friends with this guy since college, and then we happen to work in the same company, but in different department. So all up, we’ve been seeing each other almost everyday of the week (weekdays) for 7 years, and we’ve slowly developed from acquaintances to good friends to best friends. I’ve never thought of him as anything more than a friend until he told me he was going to leave the company a few months ago. All of a sudden I realized how important he is to me and how much I would miss him when he leaves. Since then, I’ve been constantly asking myself whether I really do like him more than a friend, or am I feeling this way just because I’m going to miss him as a friend? Even though I was confused to begin with, I do believe now that I like him, maybe even love him. We’re both single and have been for years. Since I realized my feelings, I’ve been wondering whether he feels the same. I haven’t said anything because like you’ve mentioned on your blog, I’m worried I’d ruin our friendship. Until I read your blog, I was always convinced that he treats me just as a good friend and nothing else. But he does do a lot of the things you mentioned. He notices when I’m stressed and always texts me to make sure I’m ok. We’d chat online for hours and would basically talk about anything. He’s started organizing gatherings with our old friends and I’ve noticed my importance when he changed the dates because something suddenly came up and I couldn’t make it. He gives me massages on my shoulder when I complain I’m tired. And EVERYONE at work thinks there’s something going on between us, although I’ve always denied it (because before he told me he’s leaving, I really didn’t feel anything further). So does these signs mean he likes me more than a friend too? or is it normal for guys to treat their good friends this way?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Anonymous
      It’s really, really hard to know, because you’ve been friends for years. It’s very possible he would like to take it further, but doesn’t think it’s possible. He certainly can’t be expected to sense your sudden change of heart. I know it is very difficult, but if the two of you are very close, I think you should tell him that you’ve been having a lot of feelings about his leaving the company, and you’re not sure why. In other words, open up a dialogue about the nature of your relationship. You will have to take a risk if you want this to develop. He may not feel the same way. If he doesn’t you will have to decide how you want the friendship to look in the future. Whatever you do, don’t repress these feelings and pretend they don’t exist. Life is too short for that!

  • J

    First off, can I say how amazing it is that you wrote this post over a year ago and are still replying to the posts? It’s nice to see how much you truly care about helping people.

    With that being said, of course I have a story of my own to share that I’m so unsure of where things are leading:

    I met this guy a year ago and never thought i’d be where I am with him today (his friend and he went running around knocking on random doors drunk one night in college and i had to talk to him for half an hour at like 3 am, and i initially shrugged it off as a random drunk visitor, but a few visits later he just kind of stuck).

    Around the four month mark, we started getting to be pretty good friends. By this point I had invited him over to hang out with me and my usual group and they loved him so he became a part of our every day. We ended up going to some event together, one of the first times we had hung out alone and he ended up paying for me and refusing to let me pay at all (i’m pretty stubborn when it comes to guys paying for me, i put up a pretty good fight regardless if i like them or not, i was raised to be pretty independent). That was my first indicator he might like me.

    Anyways, throughout the year we’ve known each other, we kept getting a lot closer, as around month 6 we had to deal with a tough incident where a friend of ours got in trouble for something this guy did. I helped my friend through the guilt of watching our mutual friend get in trouble, and stood by him as he turned himself in to clear our other friend’s name from the record.

    I was unsure of how I felt about him after that initial spark when he started paying for me and being nicer to me. Things stayed platonic between us but the friendship just kept getting stronger and I was more and more confused, until we were partners for an orientation program where we took care of a group of freshman for a week and had to stay together for 20 hour days and were basically all but in a relationship for the week.

    After that week I had no doubt I had feelings for him. I felt like our bond was at an all time high after that week, we had such a good connection with each other I think the kids sensed it because we did a really good job with them because of the feelings.

    He had stopped doing things like paying for me (I think i scared him off a little with my independence in that aspect) but there were always moments when I thought he was flirting, but they could always go either way so I was never sure.

    I finally decided to tell him how I felt, about three months ago, and right before I did he broke the news to me that he ended up getting kicked out of school for three quarters because of the aforementioned incident he fessed up to being a part of. i was in shock, but later that night i made the stupid decision of going over and telling him how i felt anyway. He of course told me he didn’t want to start anything because he was now so unsure of his future, but i told him i came over to tell him mostly because i was now panicking about losing him so i had to be honest with him.

    Things were a little weird after that week, we didn’t talk regularly anymore (before that we saw each other at least five times a week and talked every day) and didn’t talk at all until one day i decided to call him out of the blue and that seemed to help get us back on track. after that we seemed to be totally fine again.

    Although i was struggling with having feelings for him, I was glad to have things back to normal. Until one night where we both stayed the night at a friend’s house in the same room because we had been drinking and couldn’t drive home, and we ended up bickering like we usually do when we’re drunk (i swear i always believed it to be sexual tension, and it totally was) because we ended up getting into a deep talk that night and then we ended up talking until 6 am and got a little risque with our conversation. he ended up dropping a major hint about hooking up with me, and i called him out on it, and he said he wanted to, if i wanted to, but he said he wanted it to be casual, and understood if i said no because i had real feelings for him.

    well stupid me didn’t want to say “What if?” and i went for it. Things weren’t weird the next morning or anything, I was actually kind of digging the whole FWB thing at first, but that’s not me. Things were fine, we actually went to dinner the day after with my roommate (who we decided not to tell, or tell anyone, for that matter, about what happened) and he made a sly comment about him really liking it when girls were forward with him. I thought we were doing great until the next time i went to a party he was at, (he was completely trashed) but he totally avoided me! I saw him turn to take a step towards me and then changed his mind and bolted.

    I was totally crushed, and went on with life trying to forget it, figuring we’d reconnect when finals were over, but i never heard from him. I tried using that to get over him, saying if he really cared he would call. The day before I left town, he realized I was in town still and ended up coming by and stating profusely he didn’t know i was around or he would’ve called, so that made me feel better about him appearing to act like a jerk.

    We said our goodbyes for the rest of break, and a month later, we saw each other for his birthday (a week and a half ago). I ended up going to a birthday dinner that ended up being me and all dudes, which I did not expect (but i am fine with as all of my friends are guys for the most part, i get along with them better). Of course, the conversation was on booze, chicks, and engines, but I went along with it. Then they started talking about some hot girl he wanted to hook up with, and I just felt terrible. It was more the fact that he would dare talk about that in front of me than the actual fact he wanted to hook up with this girl that killed me. I felt like he had not tact.

    So later at his party i basically avoided him. His birthday was the next day and i decided to not call him, which i felt a little guilty about, but i wanted to hurt him like he hurt me the day before. It has been a week and a half since his birthday and i have not heard from him at all.

    I know that was a lot of buildup for a simple question of what I should do now with this situation but i feel like it’s more complicated because of the casual hookup after a building relationship deal. One friend keeps telling me to move on because he never cared about me but our history says otherwise. He might be acting like a jerk now but i know it’s not true that he never cared.

    As much as i’m trying to just give it time and space, i’m pretty upset. I miss my best friend. I know i should’ve called him on his birthday, but I just feel like another conquest to him that he’s moved on from, and i don’t want to be that lingering girl trying to get something started. I dont’ know why i feel like that because he doesn’t hook up often and isn’t that kind of guy. I know i’m overanalyzing it and it’s probably not as big of a deal as i’m making it, but I’m just wondering if i should give up altogether and move on with my life or if i should try to keep the friendship. I really want the friendship but I don’t want it if it doesn’t appear to be healthy for me, or if i’m doing all the work. I’m just so confused. I miss life before the confession and the hookup.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @J
    Get ready, you are not going to like this. He is not a good guy. He is not a good friend. He does not care about you. I’m sorry, but your history shows a desire on his part to get sexual, not emotional.
    .
    The first red flag was that after you told him how you felt, you didn’t hear from him any more. You had to initiate contact to get “back on track.” Even if he didn’t return your feelings, he should have been eager as a friend to reassure you of the importance of your friendship. Instead, he went MIA. This is especially uncaring in view of your sticking by him during his offense and subsequent suspension.
    .
    Second, when he suggested hooking up, he specifically said it would be casual, and that if you had real feelings for him, it might not be such a good idea. In other words, he knew he would hurt you, because he didn’t have those feelings for you. He did warn you, so your going for it means you are responsible, but you know that.
    .
    Third, the next time you saw him around other people he totally avoided you? That is so rude, such a slap in the face. He was letting you know that the sex meant ZERO, and that you should have ZERO expectations of him. Instead of treating you like a good friend, he treated you like a random hookup he never wanted to interact with again.
    .
    Fourth, saying he would have called if he had known you were around – that is just BS. Why would you believe that when he ignored you in public?
    .
    Fifth, talking about hooking up with another girl in front of you, when he knows you have feelings for him is extremely insensitive.
    .
    He’s a total douchebag. Not only were you right to not call him on his birthday, you should never contact him again. I know you miss the guy you thought he was, but he has proven he is not that guy. You are well rid of him.
    .
    I’m sorry to be harsh, but I wouldn’t want you to waste another minute on this asshole. Not all advice is so easy to give, but this guy is bad news – it’s clear.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    Anonymous,
    .
    “I’m not good with men, I don’t know what they’re thinking.”
    .
    You’re off to a good start, most young women don’t realize this or can’t bring themseles to admit it.
    .
    “I’ve never thought of him as anything more than a friend until he told me he was going to leave the company a few months ago. All of a sudden I realized how important he is to me and how much I would miss him when he leaves.”
    .
    It’s takeaway game, executed unintentionally! I’m curious to hear how this turned out, this sounds like it came straight out of a romantic comedy plot.
    .
    I don’t often advise this, but because the comfort and compatibility factors appear to be set like a jello mold, I think you should take it head on.
    .
    This would be the emotional equivalent of an all-in bet, and that’s a risk you would just have to accept – it comes with the territory. (Fitting with my recent post about breaking up, you will also have to accept that it’s his right to choose where his life goes, so it’s OK to be upset if it fails but being angry _at him_ is unfair.)
    .
    I am going to disagree with Susan’s advice to chat about mysterious feelings. You know what you feel and what you want. Be bold and active – you are not begging him but making him an offer. “Since you announced you’re leaving I can’t stomach the idea of not seeing you every day. I’ve come to realize that I love you, and I want you to be with me.” best of luck.
    .
    I was in a situation like yours once. When my love left I realized how much I would miss her. I went all in. It didn’t turn out the way I wanted (although that turned out to be for the best) but I escaped with my dignity and pride intact and I’ll never have to wonder what might have been had I not wimped out.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    I went all in. It didn’t turn out the way I wanted (although that turned out to be for the best) but I escaped with my dignity and pride intact and I’ll never have to wonder what might have been had I not wimped out.

    .
    I respect this enormously. I did the same thing, confessed my feelings, and the guy said no go (though the circumstances were different). I was disappointed, and broken-hearted, but it was incredibly cathartic and positive to share what I felt honestly, and without fear of humiliation. I was able to move on very quickly after that. (I later married him, but that’s another story.)

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    “(I later married him, but that’s another story.)”
    WOW

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Badger

    Haha, that’s the story that’s requested of me most often by the young women I know. Every time they introduce me to a new friend, they start by saying, “Tell her how you and your husband got together!”

  • J

    Hi Susan,

    You’re right, I didn’t like what I heard from you. But I knew it was true.

    After that, it took a week or so, but I finally cut him out for good. I stopped responding to all texts (although there were only a few texts) and I got a call for the first time in three weeks yesterday. I ignored it, but was obligated to call back because it had to do with planning an event for our orientation kids. I got another call today and I waited an hour or so before I gained the courage and I called back, acting very curt.

    When he asked what was wrong, I told him I was done. He asked with what, and I answered “You.” I then proceeded to tell him why I was done with him, kept it short and sweet and ended the phone call.

    Four hours later I get a call and an upset voice mail. He wanted to talk and a chance to make things right. While trying to figure out whether I should let him talk, he texts me basically begging to talk. I tell him he can come by in 30 but only for a little while so I can just finally be done with the whole thing.

    We talk and I keep the whole hard ass composure and tell him exactly what he did was not OK and he kept apologizing profusely and said he never meant to hurt me and everything and that he wanted to be friends again. I went through everything he did wrong and told him exactly why it was wrong and that was why I was upset, because he thought it was just the hooking up thing. I showed him no mercy and told him I had absolutely no feelings for him which I can gladly say is true. He just kind of sat there shell-shocked in between apologizing and hanging his head.

    I also told him that friendship wasn’t an option right now, if ever, and that I needed him out of my life. I asked him not to call me or text me with the exception of the event we have to plan, which I will do because I don’t want my orientation kids to get affected by this. I told him other than that, we’re done.

    He left feeling like hell, it appeared, and I felt more empowered than ever. I would just like to thank you for helping me find the strength to realize that he was bad news. I finally have my closure and could not feel better about standing my ground and sticking up for myself, and a lot of that had to do with the fact that I couldn’t see him for what he really was. Keep on dishing out the advice, even when it’s as hard as it is to hear, it definitely helps and has made me become a happier person.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @J
    I am so proud of you! I really want to thank you for looping back and letting me know how things went – it’s not often I get closure on my advice!

    Honestly, I love it that you felt empowered by standing up for yourself, rather than by the hooking up. And I think it’s fantastic that you held him accountable. Perhaps you have helped make him a better person by showing him how his actions hurt another human being.

    When we really like someone, it’s natural to try to see them in their best light – and we can go to great lengths to rationalize their behavior, even when they’re hurting us. That’s why it’s so important to take people at face value – not their intentions, but their actions.

    You can write me anytime, but you can also make a list like the one I made above. When you’re wondering if a guy cares, write down your story and then read it as if it were someone else – one of your friends, say. What advice would you give them? You are obviously smart and strong – you deserve the benefit of that same advice!

  • Crispy

    I love knowing that I’m not the only girl with the “best guy friend” dilemma :) Here’s my story:
    I met my guy friend (we’ll call him Bob) during the summer of ’05, a few months before I started dating my second bf. Now, Bob is quite a bit older than me(34 years actually), and he drives for the city bus company, so I see him a lot. At first we didn’t talk much even tho I became a regular on his route up until it was time for a new signup. I think it was a few months before we even saw each other again. Even tho I was dating my bf, I still talked to Bob whenever I saw him downtown. Eventually I started riding around with him, talking about stupid things and eventually reaching a comfortable zone where we could joke about anything. When I became pregnant for my first child, he caught me off guard by saying my hips were getting bigger. After I was through laughing like an idiot, I managed to ask him why he was looking and he said he just couldn’t help but notice it. A few months after my son was born, many of Bob’s coworkers teased him, said that my son was his and called me his gf. In fact one of them said something to him in front of me that made me turn so red that he wouldn’t stop teasing me about it for weeks after. Shortly after, I managed to exchange numbers with him.
    I’ve been with my bf off and on for over 5 years now. Bob knows everything good and bad about our relationship. We talk on the almost every day, hell we see each other almost every day. We email each other and sometimes chat on Facebook. He gives me advice about anything I have a problem with and I help him understand his teenage son. We make bets and whoever loses has to buy the winner lunch or coffee somewhere. We buy each other coffee and random snacks. I’d never thought of him in any kind of romantic way. But recently I’ve noticed some changes.
    A few months ago I had a dream about us making out. I told him about it, and he was very intrigued by it. Some days later, he asked me on the IM if I wanted to have sex but didn’t continue with the subject. When he’s working and I’m with him, he lets me change the sign on the bus, hand out transfers, even tell people what bus they need to get where they need to go. When he finishes his run, he drops me off outside the company gates while he drops the bus off n gets his car. Then he’ll either bring me straight home or he’ll take me along to wherever he’s gotta go and then he brings me home. If I’m downtown at the same time as he goes on break, he’ll bring me home. Last month we had a bad snowstorm, I was stuck on campus at OCC and he actually drove up there and brought me home. I can’t count the times he’s driven completely outta the way to get me and take me somewhere. On top of it all, he seems to trust me with anything that is his.
    I just recently broke up with my bf and after a really bad fight, I asked Bob to take me to Walmart since we both needed things from there. Along with everything else, I got him a buncha different kinds of nuts because he loves them. On the way back to my house, Bob was acting all wound up, kept making perverted references about the nuts and sharing them with me. Later that night I called him up, he was drunk and told me how he likes to have relations with women. The next day I got on his bus, and he had a trainee driving so he sat next to me the entire time. He kept play hitting me and he invaded my lunch without even asking. I remember reaching into the bag to grab a bite and half of it was already gone. I didn’t care, but it was very unlike him to be acting like that. Also throughout the entire ride, he was texting me about sharing his nuts with me (he hates texting so this was another thing that threw me off) and making sexual jokes. And then just the other day we were talking on the IM and he said that he would be intimate with me, we would just have to find somewhere where we wouldn’t be interrupted. His place wouldn’t work because he has a 19 yr old who comes and goes, mine wouldn’t because the ex still lives with me and I have 2 children. However, in person we don’t usually talk like that. We talk like normal best friends, about anything. Recently he’s been asking me more about my family and my past, and he seems to notice things about me more. He compliments my hair and certain clothes I wear (and I dress pretty conservatively). And he constantly teases and makes fun of me.
    I love my ex but right now he needs some counseling to manage his anger and other issues before I can ever consider being with him again. But I’m wondering if Bob has any feelings for me other than simple attraction. I’m scared to death to ask him because I’m afraid it’ll damage our friendship. Part of me thinks I should put my thoughts on hold. My instincts tell me he really does like me as more than a friend. I just don’t know! What do you think?

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    Nice work, J!

  • Annonymous (Dec 10)

    Hi guys. Thanks for all the suggestions. It took me another few months to gather enough courage to open up a conversation to tell him how I felt. I’m really glad I did it because he told me he felt the same way but he was worried it would ruin our friendship.

    But now that we know how we feel about each other, there’s other problems. We are of different ethnic background and have different religious believes (well I’m atheist and he’s christian). To him, our believes would be our barrier, whereas to me, is our cultural differences. So even though we now acknowledged our feelings for each other, we have decided to maintain our relationship as before. He said he needs more time to think about it but whatever he decides would be for the best of my interest because he really cares about me. I am also not sure about taking things further, but I’m willing to give it a try.

    So now, I’m just waiting patiently for his decision….

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Annonymous
      Thanks for the update. Religious differences can be a big factor, especially for believers. I hope this plays out the way you want it to!

  • Sally

    My story is this: More than half a year ago, I got to know a guy at work pretty well. Both of us were very similar, yet different from the rest of our co-workers so we got on very well. We talked to each other a lot, hung out outside of work and got really close. I’m almost a decade older than him so even though I did find him attractive after a while, I just didn’t go “there”. However, I eventually developed feelings for him but kept it from him. All this while, I knew he felt very comfortable with me, that I understood him on some level not many people did, and he loved spending time with me.

    Recently, something happened and he realised he had feelings for me. He admitted it to me and I did the same. The kicker was he didn’t want to start a serious relationship with me because it would take him a long time to get over me. You can imagine my confusion as to why someone would think of the end before it even began. Eventually it came out that he couldn’t get past our age gap, that if I wasn’t so much older, he’d have given it a try by now.

    My problem now is that I do want something. While I appreciate his honesty, it doesn’t make it hurt less. I don’t develop feelings for someone easily so this is especially difficult for me. The last time I had a relationship was almost 10 years ago. It is very obvious he cares a lot for me and wants us to remain as good friends. I just don’t know if I can do it and if I should since I do want to move on. I do value his friendship a lot.

    I’m particularly amazed that men seem to be able to not let their feelings get any stronger as long as they don’t start something. At least that’s what he said. In fact, they’ve started to fade for him barely weeks after since he’s made up his mind not to act on them. This just seems to be the other way for women, or at least for this woman.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Sally
      There’s no question that men can compartmentalize emotions better than women can. They have have feelings, and use logic or analysis to override them. It sounds like he is very clear on his decision, and has been totally honest. That is admirable, though I understand how disappointed you are. Only you can decide if friendship with this man is a good idea – it’s often very difficult for women precisely because we can’t deny or set aside our feelings.

  • AM

    Hey All,

    Can I just start by saying it SUCKS when you’re in love with your best guy friend! When I first realized that this was the case we weren’t as close of friends as we are now and I completely ran away from it initially because that was not my intention when we became friends in the beginning. I used to hang out with him and a mutual friend (his roommate) about every other day my last semester in college. Of course he realized when I stopped coming around and didn’t seem too happy about it so I tried to push my feelings aside and eased my way back into hanging out with them. We’ve only known each other for about 11 months now and didn’t start becoming friends till about 7 months ago. Well over the course of my last semester in college we started spending more and more time together (usually with other ppl, like his roommate who I was friends with before I met him) and towards the end (before I had to move for my new job and he had to move to go to grad school) we were spending most of our time together and a lot of it was without his roommate present. We would cook together, watch movies, go to the gym together or just hang out and talk. Before I moved I basically started spending the night at their place most nights because it was more convenient cuz we were always together and we all knew that this was basically one of the last times we were gonna get to spend together before we had to move.

    So my thoughts on the matter at the time of us moving to different states were that we would naturally talk (and of course see each other) less and my feelings would fade.. boy was I wrong. It’s been 3 months since I moved and he came to visit me when he was moving (about a week after I moved), on the way to his new location. We talked on the phone a couple times and texted several times after moving. About a month after moving he added me on IM and we started chatting almost every day. These days it is rare for us to go a day without talking unless I’m very busy at work and don’t get home till late. On weekends we will sometimes chat almost the whole day. We recently started talking on voice chat and the other night he called me and we talked for 3.5 hours. Most of the time I realize that with guy friends the call usually ends after 20 to 30 mins so to me this is not something I’m used to with guy friends. He teases me a lot and likes to make fun of me regularly (sometimes he tries to be mean on purpose to get a rise out of me but he’s always joking of course). We also like to argue in a playful way. Sometimes I will tell him he is mean and pretend I am mad at him for whatever he said and if he thinks I’m serious he will always wonder what he did and ask about it until I am back to acting normal again. He also says very nice things sometimes and I usually think he is joking but he makes sure to let me know he’s serious. He never talks about other women with me and one time when I asked about his ex gf (at the time I didn’t know that she was his ex and thought they may still be together) he seemed a little annoyed and asked what made me think they were still together and said that I should know he’s not with anyone right now. I never talk about other guys with him and we’ve both pointed out and realized that we never talk about those things with each other.

    The other night on our voice chat he asked me when I was coming to visit him or if I was just saying that but not really going to do it (I had mentioned I was going to visit at some point.. I have money cuz I’m working so it makes more sense for me to visit at this point.. he’s in school and isn’t working right now). I told him in the next couple weeks I would come stay for a weekend (possibly next weekend).
    He knows there is something I’m hiding from him and he asks about it sometimes but recently I told him I didn’t want to tell him because I was protecting him. To me it is more like I am trying to protect the friendship because I don’t think he feels the same way (more like I think it would be too good to be true if he did) and even if he did I don’t know that anything could/would happen because we are from different ethnic backgrounds and I think he may be looking for someone from his country (although he is open to dating outside of his culture, at least he has done it before).

    Several of my friends have told me that they are pretty sure something is going on between us or should be but since I don’t know how he feels I am so scared to bring it up in case he doesn’t feel the same way (I’m not sure how I would handle that) and in fear it may destroy the friendship. I can tell he cares about me but I can’t tell if its just as a friend or possibly more. Even his ex roommate who I am really good friends with as well sometimes wonders what is up with us.
    I’m also trying to figure out if I should say anything when I go visit him in the near future. What does it seem like to you? Any advice would be much appreciated!

    I’d also like to say that you give great advice and you really leave the BS out. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m reading too much into it because of what my friends may have said but anything to look out for (maybe even signs he may not be interested) would help a lot. Oh I might also point out that I think I’ve made it pretty obvious that I like him by dropping hints but have not been blunt about it and I’ve been told that men have a hard time picking up on these hints sometimes.
    Sorry for the LONG post!

  • Annonymous

    @ AM

    OMG.. this is exactly like my story. It took me a few months to gather enough courage to tell him how I felt but was glad I did it because he feels the same way. I’ve also learnt a few things from this and would like to share with you and hopefully it can help.

    -Men can worry about ruining the friendship just as much as us (he said he didn’t want to say anything because he didn’t want to loose me..)

    -I also gave subtle hints, but he claims that he felt nothing from me.. and that’s why he didn’t take things further (so subtle hints won’t work.. gota be as blunt as u can)

    -I could also tell he cared about me.. but wasn’t sure if it was as ‘friends’ or something more, and now I realized that guys are different to girls. They would only care this much, and would go out of their way.. for the girl they like. (ie. he wouldn’t have came by to visit you ‘on his way’ if he wasn’t missing you like crazy)

    You’re probably wondering if he does like you then why hasn’t he said anything all this time.. therefore it must mean you’re just a friend to him (coz that’s how I felt). I guess they have the exact same worries as we do..

    I really think you should go for it. Tell him how you feel.

    P.S sorry Susan for answering blogs intended for you. While reading AM’s story, it reminds me too much of myself. We’re still not together, he still haven’t decided on whether he can accept our cultural/religious differences. But knowing he feels the same way is already enough for me. You’ve helped me alot. I wouldn’t have had the courage to say anything. I’d like to sincerely thank you again for setting this blog and answering all our questions!

  • Anonymous

    @Annonymous

    WOW.. thank you so much for answering my post. I noticed your situation was quite similar but I didn’t realize it was THIS similar. I guess there is no way to know unless you do something about it, but my biggest problem is I am not sure how to approach it.. it seems so difficult to broach the subject especially since I would be devastated if this destroyed the friendship. So may I ask, how did you do it??

    I also really just feel like it made sense for him to stop by on a long drive when he moved since I was pretty much on the way (no more than 30 mins out of it anyways) so I think that could go either way (although I think he was wearing cologne when he did which he normally doesn’t do!). He even said himself it would feel wrong if he was so close and didn’t come visit.
    He also bought me perfume as a graduation gift but I guess a good friend can do that as well.. (??)

    The obstacles that come with these types of relationships based on different ethnic/cultural backgrounds can be hard to deal with but I really believe that if two people feel the right way about each other and are willing to they can always make it work.. but it’s got to be two rather than one.

    I REALLY hope he decides to do what I think should be obvious to him and that it works out for you two!!
    Wish you all the best!

    And I hope we are not disappointing you Susan because I would still love to hear your advice!

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @AM, @Anonymous

    First off, let me just say that I loved it that you responded, Anonymous! That’s what blogs are all about – the conversation back and forth, and it’s great when readers talk to each other.

    AM, it’s very rare that a man puts a lot of energy into a platonic friendship. It just doesn’t make sense – or if they do, they’ll try to initiate some kind of FWB or other no-strings sex. So my gut tells me he has strong feelings for you. However, it is odd that he has never made a move. I wondered at first if he is totally inexperienced, but you say he has an ex. Perhaps the cultural issue is a big one, I don’t know.

    Whatever the case, you have three choices:

    1. You can either go along exactly as you are, hoping he’ll make a move or bring it up.

    2. You can confess that you are in love with him and see how he feels. You must be prepared for the friendship to end if he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings.

    3. You can initiate a conversation about how he sees the friendship, you, etc. You might say that you’re not used to spending so much time with a guy you’re not dating. Or that lots of friends have been asking you what the deal is. In this way, you can potentially raise the topic in a less threatening way. However, you should be prepared to be honest about your own feelings. Not confessing is one thing, but if you have the talk, you can’t fake it – that would make you miserable afterwards.

    Good luck!

  • Eder M

    Hello @Susan Walsh
    First, this exact picture and many others of this guy model were in a school brochure issued by some cultural gov. branch in Portugal something like 2 years ago. Now how in the world did it came to be here??? I’m so freakin curious!!! He’s african european.

    Second, I think platonic relationship between opposite sexes is perfectly normal and agree with everything you said…what I really wanted to know was about the picture lol
    Regards

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @eder M
      Haha, just grabbed it off Google images.

  • Annonymous

    @ AM

    Sorry for not responding earlier.

    I would never have the courage to say anything to his face. So I did it over IM. I started with just questions about what type of girls he’s looking for, and then whether there’s anyone he’s interested in at the moment. Hope this helps.

    And my gut feeling tells me he really likes you too.. ^^

    Goodluck AM.. Hope it’ll work out for both of us. :)

  • AfroEuro

    I’m in the same boat as Eric way up there in the comments – I have a number of platonic friendships with women more or less because talking to women is just more emotionally fulfilling than talking to other men. Especially being a software engineer, where 90% of the people I interact with on a daily basis are men – extremely socially awkward men.

    That said, I do have one platonic friend who is very dear, but due to circumstances we were never able to explore a romantic relationship. We met at the end of my junior year in college, and there was an instant spark – this instant mutual admiration. I remember one of my guy friends saying, when I thought I was casually mentioning I was going over to her house that I was “in love with her.” I remember her having her roommate invite me to a “party” at their house, which ended up being the two of us, the roomies and a buddy of mine that I had brought with me because naturally I thought it was a party. The year ended a few weeks later, and we went back to our respective hometowns, calling each other maybe 5 or 6 times over the summer.

    We both spent the next year in Europe, me in France her in Italy, and we met up a few times, once for a week touring France, then another week in Milan where she was living. It was very romantic, without anything happening. In part, I held back because I didn’t just want to hookup and then not see each other, and I’m not a fan of long distance relationships.

    We completely fell off after we both came back to the US, even though we lived in the same city. We are both workaholics and good at what we do, so we both got absorbed in that. Some time in the summer though after I moved away, I got an email from her about being a terrible friend and letting us fall out of touch, and we’ve maintained close contact since then. We started trading off visits – she’d visit me, then I’d visit her – and we’d do these “explore a city” weekends that were always a lot of fun. She once even risked angering her best friend (girl) by missing part of the friend’s birthday to spend a few hours with me.

    A moment that stood out to me was when she recently told me about the 5 qualities she looked for in a man (unsolicited) – 3 of which described me spot on. The two that did not, she was rather quick to say that those were superficial and not that important to her – that gave me pause and made me think she still harbored something more than friendship. However, until we live in the same city, I see no point in trying to explore that. It’s clear though, that we’ll be a part of each other’s lives in some way for a long time.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @AfroEuro
      Ohhhh, I am intrigued. Have you considered talking with her about it? Not in a pressured way, like something has to happen right now, but more like, “Have you ever thought about us winding up together?” I mean, it’s not like you’re both not thinking about it! I really hope the two of you can get it together. It sounds like the best kind of foundation for a wonderful romantic relationship.

  • shleepers

    Okay, opinion please! I have been friends with this guy for nearly 6 years, and he means a lot to me. About 5 years ago, shortly after I met him, he lost both of his parents due to cancer in the same year! Shortly after that, his dog died. It was horrible, 25 years old and all of these terrible tragedies! Anyway, I have always been attracted to him for some reason, which he knew, but somehow he would always try and set me up with his friends. He made it a point to let me know which of his friends were interested in me, and he used to tell me this stuff all the time, to a ridiculous degree!…it was pretty bizarre, and I never really understood it.

    Story goes on, we slept together shortly before his mother’s death, it was extremely awkward, and he didn’t talk to me for over a year. We weren’t that close then, and after a year of not speaking, we became friends again. It got to the point where we were hanging out every day, my friends have always thought he’s been interested in me, yet he never made any advances towards me since our first awkward encounter, and would still continuously try and hook me up with his friends. There were a lot of mixed signals…he would be touchy, invite me out when he had other girls around (no steady girlfriends though), and tell me things that would indicate he was interested.

    I finally wrote him a letter telling him how I felt about him, and again, he didn’t talk to me for over a year. Just recently, we started hanging out again, and this time he’s been super affectionate, has made advances, told me that if neither of us were together with anyone in the next couple of years, then we should get married. He makes eye contact, has been affectionate, and seems to be getting his shit together. My question is, do you think he’s afraid of loving someone because of the loss of his parents? For some reason, every time we would get close, he would shut down, and now I am afraid it’s going to happen again. I was hoping for some advice on this matter because we have had this connection for so long.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    “yet he never made any advances towards me since our first awkward encounter, and would still continuously try and hook me up with his friends. There were a lot of mixed signals…he would be touchy, invite me out when he had other girls around (no steady girlfriends though), and tell me things that would indicate he was interested.”
    .
    I don’t think these are mixed signals, just signals that go against what you might like to be true. A guy who doesn’t make moves and is trying to set you up does NOT have you slotted at his #1 wish.
    .
    “My question is, do you think he’s afraid of loving someone because of the loss of his parents?”
    .
    I think this is irrelevant, like asking if an overweight person should take vitamins. He’s either damaged by the trauma, in which case he needs to heal before he’s relationship material, or he’s just not into intimacy, in which case he’s never going to come around. In neither case can you or your dopamine heal him.
    .
    “For some reason, every time we would get close, he would shut down, and now I am afraid it’s going to happen again. I was hoping for some advice on this matter because we have had this connection for so long.”
    .
    I have to be honest, this doesn’t sound like a connection as much as it is a repeating case of mutual infatuation and unsustainable emotional support that dissolves before deeper bonds are set.

  • Eder M

    Oh ok lol. Thanks for answering my post

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @shleepers
    I have no idea what he’s thinking or how he feels, but the fact is there have been many opportunities to make this happen and he hasn’t gone all in.

    told me that if neither of us were together with anyone in the next couple of years, then we should get married.

    I’ve only ever heard of this kind of convo between strictly platonic friends, who agree to “settle” for each other if the real deal doesn’t come along. It’s most definitely a Plan B, and in no way should you be encouraged by this.

    I have to agree with Badger. Cut your losses and move on. For whatever reason, he’s not relationship material for you.

  • anon

    i love reading all these posts! can you help me out? this is going to be quite long (apologies in advance!).

    i met him 7 years ago through a mutual friend of ours at a coffee shop. he’s a musician & was playing the open mic that night. when i met him, i was so intimidated by him and instantly attracted to him and his charm. i was super shy around him for a long time to the point where we’d hardly talk and he would always poke fun at my shyness (in a joking way). after a few times seeing him play, we became friends, but i still kept my distance because another friend of mine (who met him the same exact day i did) really liked him. i hid my crush on him from her so that it wouldnt get between our friendship, but she always would make comments saying i liked him (i guess she knew me pretty well). i always denied it. he didn’t like her more than a friend, but she kept pursuing him anyway and i kept burying my crush more and more. he was always on & off flirty with me in subtle ways and even joked and told me a few times “you know, i’m going to marry you one day. you’d make a great wife.” or “we’re gonna get married one day, it’s just not our time yet”. i always laughed it off but never forgot what he said. he used to say this in front of my friend who liked him and she would get SO ANGRY even though i always denied liking him.

    fast forward a few years of innocent subtle flirting and denying that i liked him… my friend that liked him started dating him even though he told me straight up that he had no feelings like that toward her. he would even laugh when it was brought up. but she pursued him for so long (years) that he eventually caved and gave in. (i guess what guy couldn’t resist a girl constantly throwing herself at them?). they ended up dating for 2 1/2 years. he’s the type of guy who always says “i don’t break up with girls, girls break up with me” and believe me, he stuck to that, even though he was miserable in the relationship. deep down all of our friends knew he just didn’t want to be alone. anyway, so during this relationship, my friend (who was dating him) got to be more and more neurotic and wouldn’t even let me talk to him even though i made ABSOLUTELY NO advances toward him. i even buried my feelings for him so much that i convinced myself i didn’t like him. in all, we ended up not being friends anymore over it (and the fact that she was crazy and found problems with all of our friends and him). toward the end of their relationship when this was all going on, he tried to get her to realize she was wrong in ending her friendships with everyone. so then we tried the friendship thing again. same problems. only this time he had enough. they fought constantly to the point that he was constantly defending me and she had enough. that was that. i haven’t heard from her in years and to be honest, i am pretty happy she is out of my life. waaayyy too much drama (as you can tell).

    after they broke up, me and the boy became really close. i was out of work and began helping his new band with stuff and we hung out every day. it got to the point where we were pretty inseparable. i’d spend the night at his house just about every night, falling asleep in his bed with him. nothing ever happened besides drunken cuddles at night. to be honest, i still was in denial i had feelings for him and at that time i only saw him as a friend. there were a few times where i thought something was about to happen between us but then nothing ever came of it. fast forward a few months….

    a girl from his past (an old classmate) called him out of the blue to hang out. we decided to go meet her at a bar. it was very clear that she was in love with him. she seemed cool, so i gave her a shot and became friends with her. she started hanging out with us a lot. i talked to him about her and asked if he had feelings for her (because she was clearly in love with him for a long time). he joked and said “no, i don’t see her like that at all.” well, guess what? after yet another strong pursual from her (just like the other girl), he eventually gave in and they started dating. i really didn’t see it lasting very long because she quickly changed and was super annoying/selfish/needy/fake and nothing like the cool girl i met the first day. it was all a front. basically, she used me to get to him, which is really terrible. anyway, they’ve been dating for over 2 years now. she has a tight leash on him to the point where she wants him with her all the time (when he’s not practicing with his band). he lies to her constantly about what time practice ends and comes and hangs out with me and his other friends to avoid fighting with her. however, they fight ALL THE TIME. she constantly finds something wrong with everything he does. even though he denies it to himself, i know he isn’t happy with her. they are nothing alike and their relationship is nothing but lies and problems. but there he is, still playing the boyfriend part, even going as far as talking about marriage with her in the distant future (joking about marriage things).

    i came to the realization that i was in love with him in october. my mom had mentioned that i was spending a lot of time with him and i always denied being anything more than friends and she said “well a best friend is the best person to marry.” after she said that i began thinking about our entire friendship, from day one to the day where he said he’d marry me one day to the subtle constant flirting to sharing a bed with him… yep, i was totally in love with him the entire time.

    a few months ago, we started randomly sharing his bed again on the nights we would party together so i didn’t have to drive home drunk. he always offered it (i never asked). i felt pretty guilty about it, since he had a girlfriend, but i did it anyway (but kept plenty of distance between us)…. well, a few weekends ago, that distance has shortened like before they were dating. he’s still with her but he was extremely close to me when i stayed over this time. i made a point to stay as far away as possible but about 10 minutes into us laying down, he made a huge move over to me and layed on my hand/arm. i was drunk and ended up lightly playing footsie with him (his leg was touching mine the entire time, i couldn’t resist anymore). he did it back in a very obvious way to where i couldn’t believe it happened. i froze (because i was freaking out) and stopped doing it back. he did the footsie thing once before to me (in an obvious way) a few months ago after i jokingly put my leg around his when he jumped on my friend and i. i noticed it then but kinda shrugged it off.

    the next day we woke up and everything was normal (like it always is). his girlfriend ended up having a party at her house that all of my friends went to. he was all lovey dovey with her acting like the perfect boyfriend. kinda made me sick after what happened the night before (even though it wasn’t THAT HUGE of a thing- however if his gf found out she’d be PISSED). a few of my friends and i ended up staying the night. he had to leave early the next afternoon but called me about an hour later telling me he was free to hang out (implying i should come over to his house). i didn’t end up going over there because i needed some time to myself to think.

    so my questions to you all (whoever is reading this anyway!- sorry its super long, had to give a back story) are:

    -do you think he is doing the lovey dovey stuff with his gf because he feels guilty? (keep in mind he complains about her all of the time to me and my friends and lies to her quite a bit so he can come hang out with us- however, like i said, he also does the “good boyfriend” deeds like the lovey dovey stuff quite frequently, especially as of late)

    -what do i do about this situation? do i tell him? do i keep it a secret? do i just keep dropping hints?

    -if i should tell him, do i wait til his relationship is over with his gf? i REALLY don’t want to tell him when he is still involved with her but with his history of staying in relationships because he’d rather be miserable than alone, who knows how long that will be!

    honestly, i have mixed feelings about it. there’s many times where i look back and think he’s been secretly in love with me too and either is too scared to say it because he didn’t know i liked him or he hasn’t admitted it to himself yet. why do i think this? well, he treats me quite differently than our other girl friends. he’s always looked out for me, he’s always protected me, he remembers the most random stuff about me, and he notices things about me that i dont even notice. he will bring up really random stories out of the blue to tell our other friends about (like the awkward time he met my parents and the time we first met when i was too shy to talk to him) and he mentions those stories quite often. he also seems genuinely happy when he’s with me. he will play all of his old songs for me and sing staring and smiling at me the whole time even if there’s a bunch of other people in the room (he doesn’t play for his gf cuz she doesn’t care that much about his music). i’ve noticed as of late that we have been staring at each other more than usual (lots of smiling too). he remembers the outfits that i told him i didn’t like and doesn’t wear them anymore. he also finds reasons to hug me extra long or more than once and when i try to pull away he pulls me closer. he also really tries to take care of me. one night when i was at his house, i was too drunk to drive home and he had to go to his gf’s house so i ended up staying for a bit to sober up (his roommate-our friend- was also home) and when he went to leave he was like “if i wouldve known you were staying, i wouldve told the gf that i wasnt coming over” and put on a movie for me and gave me a blanket and kissed me on the forehead and kept apologizing for leaving. he also will text me randomly (though not all of the time) with things like “what’s a-happenin’ hot stuff? love you dearly. i’ll call you tomorrow” or random i love you, thanks for being there for me comments. he doesn’t usually do that with our other mutual friends (if he does, the texts are worded differently). when i told him i was worried him and his band were gonna leave me behind when they are famous, he replied with “well don’t you think we’re worried you’re just going to leave us behind and move to san diego?” (i do want to move there eventually and told him that). he even told me he wrote a song to play when he proposes/gets married and wouldn’t play it for me and then just stared and smiled when i said i would cry if a guy ever did that for me.

    but then there’s the other side to the argument. he has a gf that it seems like he will never break up with even though their relationship is less than ideal. he makes comments joking about them getting married (even though i HONESTLY don’t believe he believes they will). he’s really bad at texting me back usually (although this could also be under the category of “maybe he feels guilty about his feelings for me and is trying to push me away”). so i dunno.

    however, this past weekend we hung out again at his gf’s house. she ended up falling asleep early and me and him ended up talking until past 3am about anything and everything. it was one of those nights i’ll always remember. earlier this week he ended up telling my other best friend (one of his best friends too) randomly that when he talks about marriage when he is in a relationship he doesnt usually mean it. he just says it because it’s the next step after dating. really strange comment to say randomly to her after a great night of endless conversation with me?

    my best girl friend (that is usually hanging out with us) thinks that he is either secretly in love with me or he hasn’t realized it yet and believes that it may take me telling him my feelings to get it out of him (since he’s never the one to make a move on a girl). but i really don’t know. honestly, thinking about telling him i’m in love with him is the most terrifying thing i can imagine but at the same time this secret is eating away at me more and more every day. my other friend (who originally introduced us) also told me i should tell him because “he’s always looking for an escape from shitty relationships.”

    ahhhh. what should i do?

  • Marc

    Relationships should start romantically, or friendly, and stay that way! “Friends first” is super creepy.
    If a guy genuinely wants to be your friend, he is not physically attracted to you, period. I would never want to be friends with a woman I find attractive.
    Also, I don’t think married couples should have friends of the opposite sex. It could never help your relationship, but could hurt it. So why do it? The day I am married, I will drop my female friends as I feel it would be disrespectful to my wife to maintain them.

  • Marc

    ……and yes, your friend is thinking of you when he pulls it! I’ve discussed this with many friends and we all agree that we masturbate to people we know, or past sexual encounters. Dig this girls, we all agree for some wierd reason, we masturbate to the lesser attractive girls we know/slept with!!

  • Thrasymachus

    “If a guy genuinely wants to be your friend, he is not physically attracted to you, period.”

    If a man is in a happy LTR he can certainly consider his female friend(s) to be physically attractive without having any intention of pursuing a romantic relationship with any of them. It might be true in some abstract sense that most men fantasize about having sex with any attractive acquaintance, but that by itself is not necessarily a serious threat to either their existing LTR’s or their friendships with women.

    “Also, I don’t think married couples should have friends of the opposite sex. It could never help your relationship, but could hurt it.”

    I agree that people in LTR’s need to be careful about opposite sex friendships, but this is a bit extreme, isn’t it? For example, married couples can certainly all be friends. The main proviso is that the two husbands must be friends with each other, as must the two wives – not just one husband from one couple and the wife from the other.

  • sam

    hiya, i just found this site and thought it was really good! so i figured id see if you can shed some light on my situation, as i have no understanding of men.

    8 years ago i worked with this guy, at the time he was married, and i was engaged, we did flirt abit and after work we always used to grab something to eat together befor he dropped me home. he moved away and we lost contact. six years later i got a friendship request on facebook – he’d found me and added me. we started chatting and found out we were both single and he had moved back to the area. he popped round for coffee we had a chat and he left. then i got a message saying he wished he had kissed me, he came straight back round for a kiss – but ended up sleeping together. he admitted he always had a big soft spot for me, and whilst he was looking for a new job he was round every day to see me (not for sex). he even started to drop me of and pick me up from friends (i have a one year old and dont drive). i got lots of texts that were really sweet, telling me i was lovely, amazing, gorgous etc. and he always initiated the chats. i got the feeling from seeing posts on facebook he wasnt over his ex and he said he wasnt ready to commit to a realationship just yet. so i thought maybe he just needed some time, we continued ‘seeing’ each other but the sex stopped.he even offered to baby sit one night a week for me so i could go out with the girls. i found out from a friend he had been messaging her flirty things. so i told him to ‘do one’ because he was just like every other bloke.i have had constant text apologising and saying sorry it was only friendly flirting and he meant nothing by it (ive not read the messages myself), also that im an angel, he really cares for me and luv’s me to bits ( with the LUV spelling ? he has said this befor we fell out aswell) i told him fine just forget it then, but he keeps insisting he doesn’t want to fall out with me he’s not sure what he wants right now and hates that i hate him? i keep getting texts when he tries to talk to me. but i feel like ive been led on and hurt (tho he says hes not leading me on and never wanted to hurt me), even tho we didnt have the official ‘in a relationship’ status? im confused because it felt like a relationship, and in effect was a relationship. do i just treat him as a scumbag man and ignor him. or do i forgive him and assume he really does want to be with me? if so what does a man mean by not ready rite now/ confused crap all about ??

    thanks x

  • Anonymous

    My friend tels me that whenever he called he discussing about me.he saw that my friend only once,that is when I introduced and he asked her out since then he refused to go see her instead he gave her number to his friend.he tells me he likes,he visits,he cals but I cal more than he does.its been a year now and he hasn’t asked me out.he keeps asking me about my boyfriend,the other day he told me to kiss on phone,Irefused.the last time he came to see he wz calin me pet names,he waz asking rhetorically why can’t we be more than friends and that he’s really getting fond of me n wz being touchy,I was suprised because he hasn’t touched me before.I don’t really know what he wants

  • Anonymous

    my guy friend does all that stuff so does he like me?

  • Anonymous

    plese tell me?! i think i actually might like him to…

  • BBdrummer13

    I am 13, ok, you are probably thinking, “AWWW! PUPPY LOVE!” but I think I’m in love..
    I met this guy at my new school this year and ever since we met we have been inseparable. I have secretly had a crush on him this whole year but now, it’s different. Everyone knows we are best friends, which I adore because no dirty stupid rumors spread.
    He listens to me and jokes around with me and talks to me every chance he can. He is one of the cutest guys in school and a ton of girls like him. 3 months before school ended, he suddenly asked out one of my best friends and they went out ever since. It broke me inside, but I just pretended to be happy for them.
    2 months into their relationship, people started saying things. He had told me that she barely talked to him anymore and he was reconsidering things. Their relationship was breaking apart. So, typical middle schoolers, started asking us (him and I) if we liked each other. Of course I said no, and so did he.
    I finally got the guts to tell him, while he was still dating his girlfriend and he said he only felt for me like a sister and he didn’t want to make our friendship awkward. We don’t really mention it, but we were talking the other day and he said for like, the first 3 months of school, he had a MAJOR crush on me, but didn’t think I was interested and gave up (NOOOOOO!).
    A lot of my friends think that he is now more interested in me in his current girlfriend (and that we would make a really cute couple :)) Quite a few people, think that this coming school yr, he will break up with his girlfriend and go for me, since he knows that I like him already.
    I still REALLY like him and he is showing A LOT of signs that he likes me even though he claims he doesn’t.. SIGH.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @BBdrummer13

      It sounds like this guy is playing games. He’s trying to keep all his options open. Don’t sit around waiting for this to happen, letting him call all the shots. Do you really want to get with this guy when he has not tried hard to get you? Also, I always tell girls to believe what a guy says. If he liked you, he would say so, believe me. He may like you a little, but not enough. Move on.

  • BBdrummer13

    @Susan Walsh

    Thank you SO much. It helps me a lot. Now I can forget about it. I have to admit, not being offensive, but I think could sense some negativity/annoyance in those words.. Sorry if my age and the way I feel annoys you.. I appreciate the help greatly though. Thanks!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @BBdrummer13
      Not at all! I’m sorry if I came across that way. It’s hard sometimes to get the right emotion across online…I am very direct, I think it comes from giving so much advice, haha. I wish you all the best, and hope you find another good guy to crush on soon!

  • Anonymous

    Hey Susan! Can you give me some advice on this one? So I have been friends with this guy for 7 years. In high school, we established that we couldn’t ever be more than friends. For the longest time, I NEVER saw him in that way but one day two years ago, I realized I liked him. That summer, we hung out a lot and we crossed the line one night when he was drunk. We didn’t do anything, just cuddle and a little touchy feely (nothing sexual). Suddenly, he stopped, got up, and told me he cares about me too much to have sex with me. He told me that he didn’t see me that way and he would rather have me as a friend. I was crushed but it was ok because I know he’s the one guy who will always be there for me. A couple weeks later, we were hanging out with some friends. While intoxicated, he told them about how much he cared about me. One thing I will never forget is when he grabbed my chin, looked me in the eyes and told me he’ll always be there for me. He acted kind of jealous when I got close to one of his friends, or he could have just been looking out for me, who knows.. He asked me if he could hold me but I refused because he had told me he just wanted to be friends. I was so confused after that night. But we acted like nothing happened and never talked about it so I just brushed it off. I just pretended I was completely over it. Till this day, he has absolutely no idea that I have these feelings, and I’ve been putting up a front for so long.

    He goes to school out of town so he’s only back occasionally but we still talk from time to time. One night while intoxicated, he called me to catch up and I told him about my new boyfriend. He asked me if the guy was like him and I said no. We talked for about an hour and I told him I had to go see my boyfriend. I promised him I would call him back in a couple days but when I did, he didn’t want to talk and said he was “busy.”

    Last summer(a year ago) I realized I’m completely in love with my friend and it just killed me inside because I couldn’t tell him, and I didn’t want to tell him because I knew he didn’t feel the same way. So I pushed him away as a friend and he got really mad and pretty much deleted me out of his life (facebook!). He didn’t even call me to say happy birthday. It’s been almost a year since we last saw each other but since a few months ago, he has been trying really hard to talk to me and see me. He said he wanted to make up for lost time.

    For the past four months, every single time he’s back in town, he asks me to hang out but it never happens. He doesn’t have a car right now (he’s a broke college student). He asks to see me the first and second night he’s back but I’m never in town or the circumstances are difficult. After that, I don’t hear from him till the next time he’s in town. And it’s the same pattern every single time. I feel like I’m trying to justify his actions. Because if he really wanted to see me, he would make it happen, wouldn’t he? Regardless if he has a car or not. I feel like there have been opportunities for him to see me.

    He came back last weekend, and he went to a bar and told me to come because he wanted me to meet his friends. I told him I couldn’t come, and I texted him the following day just to see what he was up to but he never texted me back. I’ve buried these feelings for so long that it’s slowly killing me inside. I really want to get this off my chest but I’m not going to see him until he gets back from school. What do you think?

  • pete

    Hi! i really need some advice..I guess ill lay it all out and see what you guys think!
    I have been friends with a girl for 11 years. We are currently in our mid 20’s, we spend a lot of time together. We go to movies/bars/etc … we had never got to a sexual level before a couple days ago. There has been times which both of us have shown signs of jealousy when we see each other with other people. I have been head over heals in love with her since the day i met her! i never had the balls to say anything and our friendship grew stronger and by that time i was seeing other people and so was she. it was kinda too late to express my real feelings for her as i was at the point which i could not live with out her,not having her as a friend would ruin me. so long story short me and her went out a couple days ago and had a couple drinks. we ended up driving back to her house and when we get there she tells me to just pull over and hang out for a few minutes. Next thing you know she has her legs rubbing all over. One thing led to another and we were all over each other. … a guy passes by while were in action lol and we both agree to stop. (we would of had sex if he didn’t) so randomly we decide not to sleep and head to the beach together. We spent the whole day together and at times talked about the previous night. There was no awkward moments. On the drive back later that night she asked me if i was gonna go home and hook up with a girl and i told her no! and joked around saying maybe ill need at least a couple days…. which i don’t was a good idea or not. I drop her off like any other time. She calls me at 8 30 in the morning asking if i wanna go hang out and get lunch later. So we do all of that and everything is cool. She ends up going home taking a nap and calling me 2 hours later saying she just wanted to call me and let me know, that she just had a dream about us having sex and it felt so real..and to add to that she wanted to know if i masturbated later that day from that beach (i was shocked) but i played it cool. we met up later that night for a coffee and went home afterwards. Since then she has been ignoring me. Anyone have any advice for me? please girls tell me how you would feel!
    i need to know how she feels about me! i would love to express my feelings to her, how do i do it?!!
    thanks
    Ps after reading many comments here, the confusedcholoatechip persons story is the one i can relate to the most!

  • pete

    I’d like to add… what does it mean when the girl best friend makes the first move on the guy?

  • Gabe Asher

    Pete. We trust you learned something from this experience. Relationships should start out romantically, or friendly, and STAY THAT WAY! Any other way is downright creepy, and it will ruin your friendship. I’ve NEVER been attracted to a woman as a friend or lover, and then my feelings flip flopped. We, as men, know the minute we lay eyes on a woman if she is friend or girlfriend material. Man up, be her friend, and find another girl….there’s only 3 billion more out there. Sigh.

  • pete

    @Game
    i assume you were heart broken, let me break it down for you since you prob don’t get girls often. I’ve been with enough women to know what it really means to love someone and not just sleep with them. But since were not on the same page i will be open minded enough to let you elaborate more on the creepy part and how men know when its gf or friend material…

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    Pete,

    I respectfully advise you don’t listen to Gabe Asher. I’m not sure he read your comment properly – as I see it the girl made a move on you and so now the battle has been joined. That’s great! Now just keep escalating and see where it goes.

    It will “ruin your friendship”? WTF is the point of having the friendship if you have all these unrequited feelings on the side? I’ve been there, that kind of a friendship sucks. I’m going to tell you from personal experience – there’s no point in holding off because you “don’t want to ruin the friendship.” If the door is open, go for it.

    “we met up later that night for a coffee and went home afterwards. Since then she has been ignoring me. ”

    What I see happening here is that she more or less explicitly told you she wanted to have sex with you (women don’t talk about sex with guys they aren’t thinking about sex with) and is driving hard to spend time with you. Then you went for coffee at night and I think she expected you to invite her in and seduce her. So she feels disappointed She may not understand this loss of enthusiasm, it’s a non-conscious process.

    What I advise is that as soon as possible (like today) you invite her to hang out or do something that can get the two of you alone. DO NOT talk about your “feelings,” ask her what it all means or anything like that. Don’t engage her rational brain, that will kill her tingle. Use your feelings to motivate your actions. Just hang out, and when the time is right escalate. Women love the “it just happened” seduction.

    “Man up, be her friend”

    This is terrible advice. What part of “manning up” includes stewing in unrequited love? Not to mention she is the one escalating the situation.

    (As an aside, don’t be friends with women you’re unusually attracted to or in love with. Make your attraction known, give them an opportunity to reciprocate, if they don’t then don’t feel the need to stick around getting half of what you want out of it. You’ll get bitter and blame them for not returning your feelings and that’s just a bad way to be.)

    “what does it mean when the girl best friend makes the first move on the guy?”

    It usually means she’s hot for you!

  • subeezy

    hey, well i started being friends with my guy friend after his cousin’s and I’s fling ended he was there for me and we would talk for hours. I met him in January 2009 and in February i had to leave because i had to go to university. well we kept in touch often and i came home to visit from my break a few months later we still spoke for like ever and he would make comments like ‘if you’re not married and im not married when we were 40 tht we needed to hook up’. he moved away and he still made an effort to come see me he had to make some weird excuse to come. well we kissed then and i left it at that. we never spoke about the kiss and acted like it never happened in a way i went back to school. and well we kept speaking and then he lost his phone and we never spoke for about 2 months till i came home for Christmas. well he had a girlfriend when i got back home and it really hurt me so much because we couldnt talk as much as we had before. he totally changed i couldn’t beleive it. well we spent christmas in the same town and we met up and he gave me this amazing hug and took a photo of me on his phone to keep. i didnt speak to him for months because i was so hurt by how he had changed until we one day i sent him an sms and told him how i miss him and he felt the same about me. so we started speaking but i was dating some1 at that time so i was interested in him well we spoke a bit but yah it wasnt like before. i ended my relationship in like december and well guess what my friend and i started talking like before and he came to visit it was really amazing and well he was still in his relationship so i cudnt kiss him but i felt soo much wen we met up and it was really amazing. 2011 we still were in contact and yah a lot changed he was open tht he was not happy in his relationship. then in feb he sent me a sms to tell me to check my email i did and replied well to the wrong email. because i got the shock of my life when he told me that it was going to be a boy! well we spoke on the phone and he asked me to still b his friend and tht he wanted us to hook up in the future. well i was in shock and of course i didnt abandon him cause he really needed me as he is young. wel we grew a lot closer keep in mind i stay really far from him through email, fb, calls, txt we did and i gues it was like we were falling in love with eachother. then his gf claimed i forwarded her emails, i dont even stay in the same country as her so it was hard as i didnt this strained our relationship and we didnt talk for about a month of evil words but after we did wel weirdly he just sent me an email after not believing me tht he wanted us to put everything behind us and move on well we did it was amazing we spoke everyday and oh his gf had moved to another city for a bit. Then she moved back and well i was scared he would change we spoke about it and he told me how he needed me to be there for him everyday and that he really liked me a lot but he is in a sticky situation. well we havent been able to speak as often because his gf stays with him and she dos not like him talking to other girls i speak with him while he works but its been hard and we havent been able to speak as much. he said tht he is going to leave her soon as he figures everything out. we care a lot for eachother should i give up and move on or wait till he’s done with the relationship?

  • Kasi

    I have known my “male” best friend for about 7 years, we became closer and more best of friends for about a year now when he went off to college in another state, we kept in touch every now & then via skype/facebook/text/calls..months later, he finally came back to our hometown for school vacation for 2 months. i picked him up from the airport and ever since we have seen eachother literally everyday, if not, every other day. ( a part i left out, i have a 2 year old child with a previous relationship) my best friend loves my child so much. he calls himself the father (i told him hes the god father), he post pics of the baby on his facebook page all the time, claims himself as the childs father to all his friends, ask about him all the time. my child loves him the exact same, they have so much fun together, buys him things.. he picks him up and babysits him all the time. (my childs birth father isnt in his life on a regular.) anyways…back to the story. we have the weirdest friendship ever. we tell each other “i love you” and “i miss you” in texts randomly..or random mornings, i will wake up to a “i love you or i miss you and the baby” from him. i tell him i love him back..and i do. we make jokes about being “future husband and wife…i feel like i am falling deeper and madly in love with him..all the signs are there and everythign about him i want in a man. hes very tall, handsome, athletic football player, great dresser personality, sweet. i am even close to his mother as he is with mine. i dont know if he knows how i feel about him bc i dont really show it..but i feel the jealousy with other girls that like him and that he talks to as friends. hes the same way with me, asks about my guy friends that i talk too, gets mad if i dont tell him. anyways, more to the story..we hang out every other day like i said.. the mall, out to eat, my house, his house, movie nights, going to the gym together, family parties, bbqs, holiday events..we are always together. my family started saying we make a cute couple and tells me im in love and he likes me bc were always together. i blush and say no…friends of friends are asking us, if were more than friends, we both say, “were just bestfriends” well this is the part where it gets crazy. were at my house one night, watching a movie cuddled on my love seat couch. were sitting face to face, with both our legs on the couch touching eachother (this is normal, we always sit close like this) but this time.. he started slowly gently touching my legs up and down..getting closer and closer to my vagina. slowly, to see how i would react..i dont stop him, he finally touches..i touch his arms..he keeps going. he tries taking off my pants..i help him. he starts touching me down there.. then out of nowhere he gives me oral s*x..then we had s*x, the best s*x ive ever had in my life. i swear…the next day was awkward he kept his distance, it was kind of weird bc we never took our friendship to that level. 2 days after, we met up.. i took him food to his house with the baby and we went to the mall together and went to my moms house and hung out over there all night. few days later, we were at my house again as usual hanging out/eating, out of nowhere he smiled and looked at me and told me he missed me and wanted a hug. he came and hugged me and caressed my legs… we went upstairs and he started touching…we had s*x again. after we were play fighting, having fun..touching and watching tv but then he was texting girls all night and im back confused..idk what to do or how to feel about us. i guess were just bestfriends that have s*x now?? idk. help!

  • BBDrummer13

    Susan,

    Surprisingly, the guy I told you about previously broke up with his girlfriend, and as my best friend, told me it was because she never talked to him, and had Completely lost intrest in him while they were dating.
    My best friend, Sheri, a couple of days later, asked him if he was going for any girls next year, knowing that I liked him. He said “I have a definate Idea, but it’s confidential. You will see soon enough.”
    Two days later, I was talking to him, and he brought up the subject if I liked someone, and I told him it was confidential. He asked if I liked anyone at all, and I said yes. I made a deal with him. I’d tell him if he told me, then he said, “Well, I like you. Always have.” I then told him I liked him back and he asked me to be his girlfriend.
    This may be a relationship, that we all know will come to an end unfortunately, but I decided that I don’t really care, we are both extremely happy together.
    Your blog is right. Keep it up. Thanks. :)

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @BBDrummer13
      Good for you! Enjoy your new relationship. I’m glad he finally came out and told you how he felt.

  • pete

    hey i wrote a letter to my best friend who i feel doesnt like me the way i like her.. i have the story about us up a couple post so if you feel like you wanna read that go ahead! as for this letter.. please give me any tips or advice on wat to change or add. thank you!
    I wanted to write this letter to you. Hopefully it is something you will read with a smile. I don’t know if you remember, but few years back you asked me when I will write you a letter… well the day has come! I never thought, I would be doing this..anyways there is a lot I would like to get off my chest. From the day I met you in the hall ways of LSS I knew we would be friends a long time if not forever. You gave me feelings that no other person has given me my entire life, those feelings to this day remains the same. Spending the last 11 years being your friend has truly been an awesome time. I have no regrets and enjoyed every moment of it. Even through tough times we managed to hold it together and come out even stronger of friends. In our past we both know I had feelings for you as it was very clear (our whole situation about telling Kim that you know I like you and that leading to us not talking for a while). I told you that I would never have made the first move on you… I said this because I had so much respect for you and our friendship. I never wanted to lose your respect; even though the feelings were always there I had been ignoring them for years. I guess it’s true when they say all good things come to an end. To be honest with you, this friendship meant so much to me.. being the longest and most real! I have always tried to listen and learn from you. For that I’m very thankful as it has made be a better person. The memories I have will last a life time. And I have nothing but great memories with you. I don’t even want to start naming them because I could go on for days! Ok ill just shut up and get to the point! Since a few weeks ago I have fallen all over again for you.. I simply can’t get you out of my head. I totally understand you don’t feel the same way. I’m writing this as a farewell letter to the greatest friend I’ve had my whole life. I think by doing this it will help both our causes. I don’t want to annoy you or get in your path of life cause of my feelings. And the easiest way for me to move on with my life is to take this course of action. I never wanted to live with the regret of “what if” so I rather be honest with a friend of 11 years about my feelings than to lie to you. When I told you you’re the most beautiful girl In the world I really meant it cause there is no doubt in my mind. You are truly an amazing person. I’ll never forget the way you laugh/talk/get mad.. and how you would pronounce my name. I will be wishing nothing but the best for you! I really hope you find someone who will treat you like the angel that you are.. yeah I lied when I said you’re not in the car. All those hours we spent talking about life and where we will end up and what we want out of it….I have no second thought that you will achieve all your dreams! As for my feelings for you, they will always be there, I will never forget you and will always be there for you if you need me! I am so thankful to have had you in my life for the last 11 years. You know I have never said these words to anyone else in my life. So I hope you believe me when I’m saying I love you.

  • C

    My best friend is the only person I’ve had feelings for (he’s been interested in me too, many months ago, I was told that he’d be with me, if I hadn’t moved out of state), but he’s in a serious relationship with a girl I know – all of us met in the same class, and she became his best friend also, they flirted all of the time when he was in a relationship, and I cuddled with him once, even though he was taken – my first male best friend, and the first guy I cuddled with. Anyway, he gave me pecks on the lips, while he was single, a few weeks before I left state, but I didn’t kiss back. I was afraid to experience the first kiss with anyone because I didn’t know what to expect; a year later, I enjoyed my first kiss with a guy who wasn’t serious, and that was fine by me. They both want me to meet a guy who they feel would be perfect for me, but they live in another state, and I haven’t thought about what a good time would be to visit. It’s weird that I cried after asking him when he’s going to marry his girlfriend (he intended to marry his first serious girlfriend, but she cheated. He wants to marry a best friend of whom he can trust). I feel that I just like the idea of him because he’s a good man per se, attractive, and someone I am able to converse with about personal matters. I have gotten over that statement of marriage because there’s other fish in the sea. I like that we have this distance, not only in miles, but by how often we converse through texting/talking. There will possibly always be a romantic interest of some sort between us, for the mere fact of attraction, and conversing. I just went through that short, unhappy faze because I knew that they’d be more likely to be married then the first serious relationship he was in. My story is different, and I just read, ‘my erotic destination theory of relationships,’ which initially made me think about the points that were made about settling. I have contemplated visiting the state they live in because his friend wants to settle.. Not a good look. I have shown interest by flirting or the way I converse with guys I’m not interested in, and I have learned how communication can cause a woman to be confused about things.. The second guy I kissed was in a relationship, I was initially attracted to him, he was kind of nerdy, but I was influenced by others saying I should go for it because they didn’t like his girlfriend, and she yelled at me for saying we were just friends, by not stating that I started to be curious about him as a romantic interest because my best friend and I weren’t conversing at the time. I don’t have alot of experience with men, and I like the idea of romance, but I’d be fearful of years spent being with the wrong type of man, and as a result, I have stated that I want to marry young. I don’t initially feel that way, I would like to marry a man whom will be my best friend, and be in a relationship with him for four or five years before we get married, and when we’re at the right time in our life, when we can settle down. I enjoy being single because I’m an introvert who needs space.

    PS I have went off topic at times, but I have to go, so I’m not editing my comment. Lol.

  • C

    Oh yeah, before I go, I meant to say, I wasnt, initially attracted to the nerdy boyfriend.

  • Anonymous

    Dear Pete,

    I pray that you may come across a woman who shall love you as you are, and be there to spend the rest of her life with you. =)

    Just don’t settle for less, and feel that you need to be with someone who your not in love with because I feel that a relationship where two people are in love first, will be a beautiful marriage.

    I’d suggest that you delete the following sections, as you have stated the main points, and these details don’t need to be stated.

    “I don’t even want to start naming them because I could go on for days! Ok ill just shut up and get to the point! Since a few weeks ago I have fallen all over again for you.. I simply can’t get you out of my head. I totally understand you don’t feel the same way.”

    “I’ll never forget the way you laugh/talk/get mad.. and how you would pronounce my name.”

    “.. yeah I lied when I said you’re not in the car.”

    In the last sentence, “I hope you believe me when I say, I love you.”

  • pete

    hey thanks for the advice! but it was too late since i gave her the letter already the way i had it posted here!
    that is exactly how i feel right now and im trying to move on in a positive way!
    I guess i got my answer and that is exactly what i needed to move on with my life.
    She cried and said she wants to be my friend forever and will do anything that will help me out so we can remain friends… im really confused at this point.
    thanks again,
    Pete

  • Eaton Beiber

    Pete, you must hand in your man card for starters. Have you ever had a person act like that toward you? I have, and I tell you it drives you away from the person.
    I am glad you cut it off though. Men and women can only be friends if they aren’t attracted to each other. That’s why it’s hard for hot chicks to have male friends, because most people are attracted to them. Now stop being friends with chicks. Why would you want to? It’s more fun to hang with guys. I like to hang with chicks when there is romance. Not just sex, but romance in general….relationship kinda stuff. Also, I completely lose interest immediately in a girl who isn’t interested in me. How can you maintain interest in her with reciprocation? Ask yourself..better yet…ask your shrink that.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    “She cried and said she wants to be my friend forever and will do anything that will help me out so we can remain friends… im really confused at this point.”

    I think there was a very thin window of escalation and it didn’t happen, so she has reverted to a non-sexual relationship option.

    If you still have feelings for her the most healthy option for you is to stop being friends with her. The odds she opens the door to sex twice are slim.

  • Scuigi

    Ok, so my best friend told me today that if I didn’t have a boyfriend he would ask me out, but I would probably say no. I told him that I was really caught off guard and that I hadn’t really thought about it. Now he wants to know if I would actually say no, and I’m freaking out because I honestly don’t know how I would react.

  • Anonymous

    Okay, that’s good that you sent it to her, Pete. Like Eaton and Badger said, you shouldn’t allow her to remain friends with you, she doesn’t deserve it! She’s hurt you emotionally throughout the years, and the most she can do is express her thoughts, there aren’t any actions involved to show you that she honestly cares for your feelings. It’s more healthy for you in the long run without her friendship, so there isn’t any need to give into her pleas about being your friend. It may be hard for awhile, but well worth it in the long run.

  • pete

    hey again,
    amazing feedback! you guys got it right on the dot. I am taking all these good points and using them to help myself get over her. @Eaton. You said “Men and women can only be friends if they aren’t attracted to each other” i totally agree. I met this girl when i was 14-15 so i was a dumb little boy. I have never became friends with another girl. I have no problems getting females to sleep with me lol
    I truly loved this girl from my heart. But i guess i can go back to my ways of just having fun :)
    thanks again guys

  • Tom

    @ Eaton……
    dude there is a huge difference between being attracted to someone and having an overwhelming desire to sleep with them. If you have an overwhelming desire to sleep with them, then you probably shouldnt be friends, someone is going to get hurt….
    But there is not a thing wrong with having an attractive friend..good grief man maybe YOU should hand in YOUR man card. If you HAVE to sleep with every pretty woman, maybe it is your problem.

  • Eaton Beiber

    @Tom You’re telling us that you prefer to sleep with SOME women you are physically attracted to, and not others? My brain is not programed that way. Mother nature in her infinite wisdom, did not program men to be friends with chicks they find attractive. This is too keep the race reproducing. We are SUPPOSED to feel this way.

  • Annabegins

    Please Help!
    My best friend Rob and I have been close for almost a decade. Unlike many of the posters here, we have NEVER had anything but a pure friendship, nor have we ever brought up the subject of anything romantic ever happening between us. When we first became friends, we worked together and were both in relationships. It never crossed my mind to think of him as anything as a friend, and I never even thought about being attracted to him or considered him as a prospective mate. I never got the feeling that he wanted to be more than friends either, so things went very smoothly.

    We always had a blast together and love laughing with each other, but the intimate part of our friendship is that we totally rely on each other for very serious discussions about family, our significant others, work, friends, the nature of life, science, religion, etc. Since first becoming friends, we’ve both went through many ups and downs… I got married & started a family, and some years later got divorced, started dating after some time, and began a serious relationship with my current boyfriend. Rob went through a couple serious relationships during that time period, struggled with some depression and tumultuous times as well, and through everything our friendship has only grew stronger and stronger. We talk daily, sometimes for hours a day, dozens of texts each day, etc. We talk about everything. He is very involved in my child’s life as kind of an uncle-like figure, and they adore each other. We live in a different state now, but Rob drives here to hang out with us whenever he can and we do family-like activities together. I visit him as well.

    Lately, our contact has increased. He’s going through some rough patches with a semi-recent breakup and he really depends on me for emotional support. We get together almost every weekend possible. We say “I miss you” and tell each other how excited we are to see each other. We share everything together, all our emotions, fears, goals, etc. I’ve talked about moving back to his state and he’s expressed how he would love it if we could live together and he could help me raise my child. He’s said that he loves me and doesn’t know what he’d ever do without my friendship. Through all of this very intense closeness, I have really started to wonder if I am falling for him. I’ve NEVER been this close to or open with anyone in my 30-odd years. Together, we have everything anyone would want in a relationship… love, kindness, support, complete openness, everything but the romantic stuff! However, even with all this, there has been no sign that he wants anything but friendship (even though it seems odd considering how much he wants to be near me, and my child too.)

    Rob has always dated attractive women in the past, and while I am no hag, I have put on weight over the years and have my own self-confidence issues because of it. I can’t help feeling that maybe this is what is holding us back, that he doesn’t find me attractive or else he would be all about pursuing the romantic stuff. I know he adores me… but no obvious signs of attraction. I am usually pretty good at detecting when someone is attracted me, or flirting with me, and I really haven’t got that vibe from Rob. But, could he be hiding it well, like I hope I am?

    Further complicating matters is my current boyfriend. He is a good person who loves me so much, but there are a variety of issues that I have with him that make it hard to see me moving forward with him and having him in my child’s life. Rob has been kind of lecturing me lately about how I shouldn’t lead my boyfriend along if I don’t see a future there, and especially if I have doubts about the boyfriend’s influence in my child’s life. When I told Rob I was trying to make a plan to break up with the boyfriend he kept saying he hoped his influence wasn’t the deciding factor. (it isn’t) His signals confuse me.

    After cleanly breaking up with my boyfriend, I do hope things would at least have the chance to develop beyond the friend zone with Rob. I can’t stop thinking about how happy I am when talking to him and spending time with him. He’s started to look different to me, I’ve noticed how much I like the way he walks, looks, etc. It’s unbelievable that I never saw him in this light before. I can’t stop thinking about kissing him, holding him. However, I really, really do not want to ruin this friendship. I really don’t want to ever be without him, in any capacity. There is not, nor has there ever been, anyone I have been this close with and I cannot fathom losing him. On the same token, I cannot see missing the opportunity of a lifetime to be madly in love with your very best friend, just because I am afraid to take a risk.. I hope someone can tell me straight whether there is a shot here, or if there’s any way he wants more and I am just not seeing the signs? Also, to the guy who said that “not wanting to ruin the friendship” isn’t a good enough excuse, I completely disagree. This is not just an everyday friendship for me, this is a huge part of my life. Thanks for any advice you lovely people may be able to provide me :)

  • Gabe Asher

    @everybody.
    A little off subject, but Annabegins above this post is the perfect example of why I would NEVER have a wife that has a “Rob” in her life. I’ve posted before that I don’t think married people should have friends of the opposite sex, great example. It could hurt your relationship, but never help it….so why do it?

  • Annabegins

    well, Gabe, Rob existed long before the boyfriend, the issue with Rob is recent, and the problems with the boyfriend are independent of all of this. Rob was never an issue in before because people don’t cheat or think of others when they are in good relationships.

  • Dogsquat

    Gabe, I agree with you. She’s in an emotional affair with the guy and crushing on him. She’s spending energy on him rather than fixing her current relationship, or finding a better one. The boyfriend is clueless as to what’s going on, or he’s too beta to put his foot down. Poor bastard.

    The boyfriend needs to swallow the Red Pill.

    Anna, why don’t you ask Rob what he thinks?

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan

    Hi Susan,
    I have been good friends for 5 years now with my male friend. We both supported one another through break ups of past relationships. At the start of this year, my friend started to flirt more with me and finally confessed his true feelings towards me. At first I taken back by his comments and flirting and just treated it as him being funny with me. Later he kept initiating it more and more about what would happen if he was to fly down for the weekend to stay with me. As I had only been out of a relationship then about 9months I told him honestly that I didnt feel it was time to start something as much as I carry deeply for him and like him very much. I just need time to be on my own and heal right now. He continued to initiate his feelings towards me until about the being of July this year and I noticed something changed. something within me changed too and I suddenly couldnt get him out of my mind and really wanted to take the relationship to the next level (well I had always had feelings towards him from day one but was affraid of getting hurt again). I decided to book a flight to go and spend some time with him before I did this though I contacted him to let him know. He was happy that I was coming to see him however, I got a little to chattie and mentioned my thoughts of even leaving my job to come be with him interstate should things between us work out. It was like he got scared himself that everything that he said and did was all becoming too real for him. When I sensed his reaction to all this I asked him why? He said that he was scared , and confussed and still getting over being hurt from previous relationship. He mentioned also he didnt know what to expect from my visit and hated that he just didnt know what will happen and that he just didnt know??? Well I did end up going to visit him I enjoyed my time with him we both didnt bring up our past conversation together and just enjoyed each others company and the friendship did go beyond friends on several occassions. On the last day he drove me to the airport and we said our good byes. We messaged each other there after, I mentioned that I had missed him but in his reply he didnt not exchange with an answer only mentioning that I was crazy. (I know he has self esteem issues from his past love) About two weeks ago, I asked him if he missed me a little. He said yes. I asked him what he though of me as a friend or more? His reply was ” he sees me as more than friend status”? I asked as a girlfriend maybe? he said that I’m very special to him, that he likes me and cares for me alot but was not ready yet. But MAY see me as his GF later down the track, but not sure about this though? Perhaps? I’m not going to lie honestly I felt really hurt from these hot and then cold feelings by him. I realise that its just best to stay friends with him. I even told him that in my last reply to him last week that I’m happy with friends. I’m just blessed to have him in my life. Of which he replied I feel the same about you. I guess the answer is plain and under my nose…it will only be Just Friends here …wont it?

  • http://braidboss.blogspot.com mahagany

    IT’S REALLY URGENT THAT HEAR FROM YOU ABOUT MY ISSUE WITH THIS. PLEASE READ AND EVALUATE IT BELOW.

    i have been friends with a guy for like 7 years. ever since 2004 i
    think. anyway, we became a little close when we first started
    talking, but has was dating someone at the time. i understood, and
    we kept on hanging out, being friends. as time progressed, my
    feelings for him grew and grew. i was so excited, and so happy,
    that i looked forward to seeing him everyday. by the way, we were
    in high school then. but in early 2006, i told him how i felt, and he
    said that he doesn’t think of me like that.

    so that broke my heart. but i tried to move on, and i started dating
    this other guy. we were together for 5 months. at that point, i
    broke up with im because i realized that i still have feelings for my
    friend. it just wasn’t going away. and so i managed to keep myself
    busy until late 2006. that was when my friend started changing. let
    me tell you.

    he started coming around more. we would kinda lean against, or sit
    on the railing in nice places, and talk alone. he wanted to catch up
    and know everything about me that he missed. he was very
    attentive. one time while we were hanging out in our spot, i came
    up to him, and i immediately ran my fingers through his hair
    without noticing that i had done it. and it was amazing how he
    responded, because i didn’t expect him to do that either. he put his
    hand on my waist, almost my hip a little, and he left it there. my
    goodness, and at that point, i felt like i couldn’t breathe. then we
    went on about our business.

    then a few days passed, and i was hanging out in the same place
    again. i saw him and i wanted to get his attention and so i whined a
    little and he came to me. i was feeling vulnerable, and he came to
    my rescue. i wanted to tell him how i felt, but i stayed quiet,
    because i thought he still didn’t feel the same way. he stood right
    there and he held me (yes girls!!) and i wanted to look him in his
    eyes but i didn’t have the guts to. he was looking at me the whole
    time. and then another day we were hanging out in the same spot
    and we were just talking, and a guy he knew walked past, and he
    said something along the lines of “hey i see you…” indicating that
    something was going on between us, but it wasn’t (not that i
    thought) and do you know, it did not bother my friend not one bit.

    so anyway, as time passed, we saw eachother less and less. it was
    because we had a talk a few more times, and then the last time, he
    told me that he was dropping out of school. after that, i didn’t see
    him anymore. i graduated high school, and in december 2007, we ran
    up on each other in a local pawn shop. my heart lit up so much!!
    he caught me by surprise, and he was like, “is that a good movie?”
    or something to that effect. and i looked up, and my face lit up
    along with it. we tried to talk, but we didn’t have much time. so
    used what time we had. and again, like the last time in school, he
    was very attentive, and wanted to know everything about me that
    he had missed. but it was at that time that problems in my family
    were starting to arise and getting worse. i had been blackballed
    because i hadn’t gotten a job yet, etc.

    anyway, we hugged and said goodbye. i thought i would see him
    again soon, but the months passed. and as the months passed, so
    did the years. i was still in love with him, and i’m in love with him
    now, but the memory of him telling me that he didn’t feel the same
    way, hurt me so much. and the fact that months later (almost a
    year) after he told me that, he started acting different, in a good
    way, made it so complicated for me. it made me think that he was
    playing games with me, but i found out later that he wasn’t.

    so what i did was take the advice from the person who wrote this
    quote:(something along these lines)

    “if u love someone, let them go, and set them free… and if it’s meant
    to be then they’ll come back to you.”

    and that’s exactly what i did. but not completely. so i kept myself
    busy. trying to get a job, trying to get my life together, but things
    kept getting worse. the more they did, the more i felt in my heart
    that i needed to talk to him. i knew everytime we get together and
    talk, i’d feel better. but i hadn’t seen him in years. so i thought i’d
    never see him again. and so i tried to press on.

    life got harder as more months progressed, and i fell into
    depression, and i had a nervous breakdown. i was having seizures,
    and blacking out, etc, and i didn’t know whether i was gonna live or
    die. but around the end of 2009/early 2010, i had a dream that if i
    didn’t do something about it and stand up and fight, that there
    would probably be no more me to be around. and so i started
    getting back to a relationship with GOD. it was off to a rocky start,
    but everything turned out okay. i learned how to keep the stress
    off, and i was beginning to get happy again.

    fast forward to august 2011. the week before i got back in touch
    with my friend. i was always always thinking about him. so i went
    on facebook to look for more family n friends to stay in touch with.
    my friends name came to mind, and i was like, “okay. i’mma type it,
    and i’mma see what comes up. it’s not like he’s on here anyway.”
    but i was so wrong when i saw him come up. i looked at his profile,
    and his pics, and i was like, wow. is this him? no wait. it’s not him.
    oh well. but then i looked again. and i was like, what? are u kidding
    me? this is HIM? wow. he is gorgeous. and so i took a chance and
    sent a friend request. i waited a day, but no response. he had
    been logged on, but i got no response. i was a bit upset.

    the next day, after i left a message, he leaves not 1, but 2 messages
    on my page!! my heart once again lit up, along with my face, and i
    could tell he was excited too!! his first message was, “what the
    hell? i ain’t seen you in like a hundred million years!! lol girl, how u
    been? ”

    now the second message was him leaving a comment on a photo
    album of my cats/kittens. he was like, “hey i got two cats, midnight
    and shadow!!” and after that, i messaged him in the chat box, and i
    said, “wanna chat? or do you have time?” and he said, “what up. of
    course i have time!!”

    and so we got started catching up right away. we talked for hours,
    and hours. it was fun. i didn’t even know so much time past until
    we got ready to say good night.

    now listen carefully girls, cuz this is where the juicy stuff is gonna
    start.

    we talked about what each other missed, my stress issues, etc. and
    what he had went through, his life in the streets, him turning his
    life around, doing music, etc. and then what started as a talk about
    this awful hot weather, quickly developed into one about being so
    hot that i have to get naked, and then he agreed that he does the
    same thing, and that he has to sleep naked sometimes. and then i
    followed his lead by saying that sometimes i have to go around
    topless in my room where no one can see me. and he says, yeah i
    do that in my room too. i wouldn’t mind a lady lookin but a dude i
    would run out and beat his a** – no pun intended. and i don’t
    know exactly what it was, but i immediately typed this:

    “it’s all good. so if i came over to your house you wouldn’t mind.
    okay.”

    and he said:
    “i wouldn’t mind
    i doubt u could handle it”. lol!!”

    and i said:
    “lol!! i was just teasing!! and don’t underestimate me. i could
    handle it. in the other room. while i’m fanning myself… lol!!
    oh wow!! lol! some more!!”

    and he said:
    see told you i might have to get you a glass of water lol!!
    i used to look like a teen now i’m a man lol!!”

    and i said that maybe i’d need some ice, and a wet towel. the that’s
    when he said, “how wet you trying to get woman? lol”

    and then it started to POP OFF after i said this:
    “the towel is to wipe off the sweat. just chill. dammit!! u talking
    bout me, what about seeing me nude? lets see about that!! i’ll
    wait… ”

    then he said something i’d never expect him to say.
    “i think i could handle it for like 5 min (he paused) lol
    then i’d go in attack mode”

    we had never talked to each other like that, and so i was curious.
    and it made me excited, in a obvious way. and so to check if he was
    serious, i challenged (teased) him with:

    why 5 min? you scared. lol!!

    and he responded unpredictably again.
    “just to take in the beauty of the nude body”

    and then i said:
    “aww…
    speechless..”

    and he said:
    “for real. it is what it is.”

    and another impulse answer came from me:
    “well i ain’t mad at you.”

    and he said:
    “and that’s real.”

    i didn’t know what to say except: “WOW”
    and then he said “we need to stop”

    and i told him that he was messing wit me, so i started messing wit
    him. but he said that i was for real. but then he said, it ok, because
    he was talking nasty too. then i asked him how did he know i was
    serious. and he said he felt it and that it was like i was trying to tell
    him somethin but i didn’t know how to say it. and i said like the
    time i used to like you. when i said that, he was like for real after all
    this time? and i said yeah. i told him that i had still have feelings for
    him, and he said he was flattered.

    now listen up girls if you are still reading. we got to talking some
    more, and he told me he got out of a bad relationship. so that
    means if somethin is brewing between us, i better wait until he is
    ready and then ask how he feels about me.

    anyway, we’ve been talking everyday since (august 8th 2011), and
    after the first night of talking, i couldn’t sleep right because i
    beginning to have naughty, kinky, and raw, and rugged fantasies
    about my friend. and i thought to myself,
    “dammit, he didn’t make it any better with those comments about
    he would go in attack mode on me if he saw me naked, but after 5
    min to look at how beautiful i look.”

    my whole body ached. i’d rather not tell you what i saw, because it
    is really inappropriate, but the naughty fantasies haven’t stopped
    yet!! and yes, in case your wondering, a big part of my
    vulnerability wants him to “attack me real good”. so everyday after
    we’ve gotten back in touch, i’ve tried not to bring up the subject of
    sex because i don’t want him to think that that’s all i think about,
    even when i do think about it. and so now, since i said to not
    underestimate me, he’s been real sharp at how i say things because
    he’s gonna tend to take them from the gutter in a inappropriate
    way.

    and so at the end of the night, the first night we got back in touch,
    as we were getting ready to say good night, he said, “aight boo be
    safe.” my heart lit up again. but i was scared. was he playing games
    with me? i thought. and so the next day, i went on his facebook
    page to see if any other girls were being called that by him, and
    nothing. but of course who knew with the chatbox, but i got
    another sign. one of his friends that was a girl was asking, “hey
    how come you don’t IM me no more?” so he was, but now since i’m
    in the picture, he’s focusing on me more, and focusing on us now. but
    every now n then i check to see how everything is going you
    know. it’s like i know i don’t have to worry about them girls he talk
    to cuz they’re just friends, but it does cross my mind a bit. i know
    he isn’t like that because when we first met he was with someone
    and he would talk to me a lot, and he never did anything
    disrespectful. but she was the one who was jealous.

    now to the the part my heart has been asking me since we got back
    in touch. and so now, almost all we talk about is being alone
    together. A LOT. we’ve even talked about taking a road trip
    together, and even watching movies in his room alone. sometimes
    we start off with it, and sometimes it’s in the middle of our
    conversation. but it’s definitely there. and so i’ve brung up some
    stuff we can do (he doesnt like everything, but he’s open to a lot of
    other things) that kinda seems like couple stuff. i brought up
    getting a bite to eat at the mall while we chat it up, going to the
    photo booth and taking pics, like siamese twins. and then i brought
    up the infamous standing up and putting my arms around him so i
    don’t fall. and do you know that with almost all of the ideas we
    discussed he didn’t reject them? i was like wow. i can’t believe this.
    this would of never happened back in the day, but now he seems
    so different. and he remembers little small but sweet things about me.
    he gave a compliment, actually more than one. he supports my dreams just like i do with him. we trust each other. we trust each other. and when we’re
    talking online , which is all we’ve got right now, i wait for him when
    he has to go to the store, run errands, etc, and recently he
    introduced me to his sis, and she approves of me. wow. did NOT
    see that coming. (smiling a lot) that’s another family member of his i’ve been
    introduced to over the years (except for the time that we didn’t see
    each other after december 2007 til now). and i wanted to ask his sis
    how he felt about me, but he said she would be going back to
    school, and would be back home (in another place) there to finish
    school.

    plus, when he mentioned that his cousin is working on getting him a record deal, after i of course told him that i support him, do what i could to help him out, the next day i asked him a very important question. “if you get this record deal, and i hope you do… and you have to move away, how are we goign to stay in touch and see each other?”

    and by his answer, i could tell he didn’t want me to worry about that. so he said,
    “money can make that possible, but we ain’t lose touch no more. no worries”

    i was so relieved. plus that also means he wants me to stay around for the long haul, and i’m hoping for good. he said he would come see me but he doesn’t have a car anymore, but he could ask his cousin and give him gas money so he can come see me as soon as we pick a day where we’re both available. plus, when i get myself a car, i’m gonna go see him anyway, at his place. and vice versa if my parents allow it. i’m 22 and he’s 23 ( i think). we’ve known each other since we were 16.

    anyway, here’s the thing. i want to tell him how i feel so badly, i let it slip
    one night but it was “luv u” during the time he was mad, because
    he was talking about overdosing and he said he needed to blow off
    some steam and that he’d talk to me later, and i was afraid he was
    going to do something to hurt himself.

    since we’ve crossed the line and we’ve talked about getting naked,
    and seeing each other that way, and about having sex with each
    other (not to mention liking it a lot) , and we’ve got it all in one
    package for friendship but something more has started to simmer,
    should i wait for him, be supportive, and talk to him about it when
    he’s not going through so much? because i don’t think it’s the right
    time.

    plus, i tried a little something on him last night. i asked him about
    us, but in 3rd and 4th person, and he said, “well she should tell
    him, rather than beat herself up about it. they both fools cause
    they got it right in front of them. they got gold but they lookin for
    silver.”

    ugh! there you go!! that’s us!! i’m hoping it is!! he hasn’t put it all
    together yet though. i just really need to hurry up, because some
    other girl just said what i KNOW i feel about him. and i don’t know
    how he would respond to that. but i do know he ain’t paid her
    much attention through the chat box since i been back in his life.

    oh i don’t know what to do. he was talking to her, and then he
    drops everything because of me? does he really care? is there even
    a possibility that he may like me too? he’s been giving me hints
    too.

    even though he’s taking care of a family member, going to school
    for his GED (i don’t care i love him anyway), doing his music 3 to 4
    nights a week, he still manages to squeeze me in and so we can
    spend as much time together as we can. hell, even when he’s
    recording songs, he tries to balance his work and spending time
    talking to me. and if i’m not mistaken, it’s a good thing when a man
    makes time to spend with u no matter what. i be telling him i can
    wait until he’s done with work but he says, it’s doesn’t matter
    because i’ll be near my computer and i’ll hear a sound if i message
    him. and yet he does the same for me too. i told him i was doing
    some time-consuming work last night, but i didn’t want to do it too
    much becuz it would take up too much time from us talking, and he
    said “i’ll wait until you’re done.” so so sweet. i can’t believe this. i
    told him that i’d do it later, but he insisted, and i said no, i don’t
    want to take time from us. and so he said okay. but the thing is, it
    was 11pm, close to midnight, and he was willing to wait for me to
    write a long article, which by the way is this one right here, and i
    found it so sweet and thoughtful.

    ooooh i just wanted to kiss him right then. i should of told him that.
    maybe i should. he said tommorrow is not promised, when i was
    trying to tell him something else. so i’mma try and make sure i tell him
    everything that i can. i don’t want to miss out, especially because i
    don’t know how he feels about me this time around. plus he says
    he’s focused on himself “quote” married to himself recently.

    sorry this was such a long letter, but i really need your help on
    this. what do you think?

  • Confused

    Well I hope you folks, can assist me in my current dilema and perhaps give me some insight into the male mind, and tell me what the hell this all means so heres my story:
    Well on a holiday I went with my friends I met my current BFF, however he went out with one of my friends, and I went out with one of his friends. It didn’t end up working, she treated my BFF like crap and his friend treated me like crap. It’s been 5 or so months since then and me and Ben ( my BFF), have gotten really close. He knows I don’t believe in sex before marriage, and I honestly believes he doesn’t care. We have the marriage pact thing, and everyone of his friends think me and him are going to go out…
    Last weekend me and him went clubbing and came home and we spooned. The next weekend me and him went clubbing and well we made a deal at the club if we got no pick-ups that night we’d come home and hook up. Of course we got no pick-ups because when I’m hanging out with him im like the hugest cock block ever. But anyways we come home go to bed, and we hook up. It was funny because we both started laughing. We probably hooked up an extra 30 times. Now he said ” If we dont get any more pick-ups we cant hook up in clubs” and I said yes that’s fine… So fine it was a once off yes? BUT then he said, “do you think we’ll end up getting married?” I said I dont know..
    Then he said “you dont still like Alan (my ex) do you?” I replied no… But I have no idea what all this means, but the reason he could have said no hooking up in clubs is because if our mutal friend Kevin found out he’d crack the shits bad, despite the fact Ben’s ex said it’s fine and my ex said it was fine.
    ERGHH THIS IS SO ANNOYING.
    Like i dont care either way what happens, I just wish I could figure out what he’s trying to tell me.

  • Zack

    Can men and women maintain platonic friendships? Of course! However the important question is why would you want to? A romantic or even a simply sexual relationship is always better than a platonic friendship. ALWAYS. If a woman says she is only interested in a platonic friendship with me but she is attracted to me, and not currently in a relationship then she becomes dead to me. Life is too short to waste the potential fun of an amazing time in bed, and it will never really ruin your friendship unless you’re too weak and let it.

  • LeftWithQuestions

    I’ll try to keep it short, but here’s my problem. I’ve been friends with this guy since the 6th grade! He always seems to make me laugh, and even though every other girl says he’s unattractive, I see absolutely nothing wrong with him. I really know I have feelings for him as more then friends, and we dated for about a month before, but we both have commitment issues and it didn’t work out. He’s supposed to be coming to my house today along with our other mutual friend, and I’m so confused on what to do. I told him that I liked him as more then friends earlier, and he said that he thinks I’m a great girl, but he thinks I deserve better then him. I told him that he couldn’t get any better in my eyes, but he said he had to go and think about it. I know I just want what’s best for him, and he says he wants the best for me too, but I can’t get it through his head that I see no other guys who are better. I just want him to see how much I really care for him. HELP!!!

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    Left with Questions,

    I’ll keep it short also. You are disrepecting your friend by not listening to his very clear message that he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend. If you really care for him I don’t know why you want to subject him to your commitment issues (whatever those may be) for a second time.

    “I can’t get it through his head that I see no other guys who are better. I just want him to see how much I really care for him.”

    I don’t view this angle as a altruistic enterprise. It sounds more like you want to manipulate him to give you what you want, without listening to what he’s saying about what he wants (or doesn’t want).

    If you love somebody set them free.

  • MakeArtSeventy8

    HI everyone…here is my dilemma. I have known my male friend for about two years now. He started flirting with me off and on. We met for breakfast a few times (when his schedule allows, he works odd hours), and one morning he asked to kiss me goodbye. Quick pecks on the lips. This has continued on for awhile, with hugs and kisses each time we see eachother. He insists that I am his best friend and he loves me. I keep waiting for him to make the next move and ask me to be more. Am I reading into this?? We text alot but he suddenly will disappear if I initiate meeting up after work. It has to be on his terms. Its frustrating.. what to do?

  • Anonymous

    So this is a bit of a rambling story, so bear with me…
    About a year ago, I met this guy (we are co-workers). He was dating someone pretty seriously and we were simply friends. We would text at night from time to time and talk at work and that was about it. A few months into our friendship he told me that he adored me. I explained to him that while I felt the same way about him, I didn’t think it was fair to him, his gf, or me that we be talking like this so we remained friendly at work, and I tried to move past him.

    Fast forward about a month to Christmas. I was visiting my family out of town when he texted me to tell me that he wanted to slow things down with his gf. He told me that he would be miserable without me in his life. I told him that I felt the same way, but that I wanted him to be happy. He decided to slow things down with his gf in a major way and they finally broke up in March. (In a way I was relieved, they had been fighting a lot and it hurt to always have to comfort him and support him in wanting to make things work with her.)

    A few weeks later, he told me that he thought the two of us were meant to be close friends and he abruptly pulled away. It hurt a lot, but I didn’t know what to do other than just let him go.

    Fast forward two months…I was able to take a few months off work to visit family. We said goodbye to each other and knew that we would both miss each other but left things at that. After a month, he called me out of the blue. For the next two months we talked every night before we went to bed. Sometimes the conversations were serious. Sometimes they were light-hearted. He began to tell me that he loved me, and I realized that I felt the same way.He told me that at one point he was casually dating someone and that he felt it was only fair that he told me that. He told me that he didn’t think it was going to work out and that he wanted to keep talking to me.

    About a week ago, he asked me if all we were ever meant to be was friends would I be ok with it. I told him that I didn’t know. I told him that I had grown so close to him in the past year…he truly has become my best friend…and that I wasn’t sure if I would be able to go back to being “normal” friends. He has pulled away again, and I haven’t fought it as much as I miss him.

    I am just so confused as to why it seems like we are on this roller coaster of a relationship. I care so much about him and want him to be happy. At the same time, it hurts to have him push away. I don’t want to give up hope that things just are meant to be between us, but at the same time, I feel that maybe I should just let go and try to heal my heart.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Anonymous
      What!!??? This is a very weird story. It almost sounds like some kind of split personality. Have you asked him why he keeps changing his mind? To go from saying “I love you” to “let’s just be friends” makes no sense. He broke up with his gf and said he would be miserable without you, then pulled away in a few weeks?

      You need to get to the bottom of this asap. You have every right to ask him what on earth he is thinking, why he keeps vacillating. And I would point out that none of this is fair to you! He’s been stringing you along for a year! To be honest, I can’t even imagine a reasonable explanation, so I want to tell you to run away from this guy and sever ties completely. But I’ll allow for the possibility of some new information from him that sheds light on his bizarre behavior.

      You don’t say whether your relationship with him is physical, but if you are having sex, that makes his behavior much worse.

  • chelsea

    hi1can you please help me about this?

    My guy best friend kissed me. what does it mean?

    he’s been my best friend since we’re in high school,we don’t usually hang out..since last 2 years..then we decide to go on a coffee shop to just talk and after that we just drunk 2 bottles of beer..and i know that he’s not totally drunk..he drove me home, then we stopped at a gasoline station just for fuel refilling..then suddenly he put his arms around me, moving me closer to him and then suddenly he kissed me (a smooth french kiss with no tongue)for about 3-4 seconds and after that he told me that he missed me..and i just remained silent..analyzing what happened..when we’re outside my house, before i got out of his car and kissed me again in my lips..and me?no reaction and just said bye!because i dont know what to do…i texted him the day after, and asked about that kiss and he just told me”it was just a friendly kiss, just don’t mind it..” and now i cant still get over with it..please help me to find out what is that kiss all about..thanks
    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Chelsea
      If you like him, kiss him again! Maybe you can go for it next time. He’s obviously attracted to you, perhaps feeling unsure, so if you like him you need to let him know that. If he says he just wants to be friends, you should ask him why he kissed you then!

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    Chelsea,

    I’m not Susan but I imitate her on the Internets so I will take a stab at it.

    There’s not a lot to figure out…he’s obviously interested in you as more than a friend. Whether he wants to go FWB or full-on boyfriend is hard to say, but FWBs don’t usually open up emotionally like that.

    The short version, from his perspective: he made a serious move, you rejected him by not reacting to it, and so now he is reframing it as “a friendly kiss” and trying to pretend it didn’t happen so he doesn’t feel embarrassed.

    What he was expecting after he said he missed you was: you kiss him back, say you missed him too, touch him, grab him, grope him, take him in the backseat to steam up the windows – something that shows you reciprocate.

    He tried again and got no reaction again. He probably feels humiliated.

    As a dude who’s been in similar situations, I can say that an overtly negative reaction (pushing away, leaving the scene) is only slightly more painful than no reaction at all, which signifies a total lack of meaning, even negative meaning.

     

  • Em

    Wow, where to start….

    Ok, my best friend is guy. And when I say BEST FRIEND I mean, BEST FRIEND. We do virtually everything together; Mondays and Wednesdays we have our classes together, Tuesdays and Thursdays we play tennis together, and most Fridays and weekends we hang out together. We’ve known each other for 5 years and have been really good friends for almost 3 years. We talk about everything, blah, blah, blah, you get the picture. But the problem is, I don’t know if he likes me. I can typically read people well but because I have spent an enormous amount of time over- analyzing our friendship, I just can’t figure him out.

    We graduated high school recently and as a graduation gift to myself, I went out to Washington State for 5 weeks. My bff and one of our really good friends flew out to stay with me for a week. Our time together there was amazing and I really didn’t want them to go home. On the night before they left, I slept on the couch with my bff, we didn’t kiss or anything; I laid my head on his chest and he held me. It felt so good. But remember, he didn’t initiate this, I did.

    When we go to the movies, I always hold his hand (he has nice hands, I can’t help myself) and he lets me but yet again, I’m the initiator. Sometimes, when I do something goofy or somewhat cute, he give me the “The Look.” You know the look, the one where his head is cocked slightly to the side, he has a slight smile and his arms are probably crossed, and when he gives you the look, your heart stops and you feel like you can’t breathe so you look away and blush. You’ve been given that look before, right? If my shoulder is tight from tennis, he’ll rub out the muscle for me. Basically, I know he would do anything for me but is that because he’s a nice guy or because I’m special to him?

    A few days ago, he told me he is considering transferring to another college for the spring semester. But all I heard was, “I’m leaving you.” I’m trying not to be selfish about this, if it’s what he wants and it will make him happy, then by all means, he should go. But I still have the recurring thought that if he wanted to be with me, he wouldn’t leave me.

    Obviously, I do have some feelings for him but I’m incredibly confused. Any insight helps!

  • Marc

    I think it’s wrong. Relationships should start on a romantic or friendly note, and remain that way. To have a sexual relationship with someone who is considered a “friend”, is downright creepy. Do you see how you’ve complicated your life by having male friends?? Be romantic with men, ….be friends with women, simple.
    ……..
    If he has sex with you, it may mean nothing. Many guys will have sex with Medusa if given the chance. If he was genuinely interested, he would have made a bold move by now. If he hasn’t, ask yourself if you’re ready for a longterm commitment with a man lacking confidence, direction, and initiative in life? Some people are, and there’s nothing wrong with it. (LOL, I believe I posted before how I look for women of average intelligence, it attracts me. Intelligence isn’t a choice, and women who are intellectually challenged deserve love also. I am here for them.)
    ……
    I hope you, and other women can learn from these posts. Stay cordial, but distance yourself from dude. You deserve romance, not complicated nonsense. Best of luck.

  • newtothis

    i could use some help.

    i work in very close quarters with a guy that may or may not be into me. we’ve shared a very small office for the past two years, and have grown incredibly tight. (we spend 8 hours a day together!  the first year in the office, i looked at him as nothing more than a friend. however, my feelings about him have begun to change. it started with me noticing how attentive he is to me. (i.e.-holding an umbrella over my head when it’s raining, sharing his food w me without even asking, always trying to stand close/next to me when we’re in a crowded elevator, etc.) these little gestures have now escalated  in a way that has caused me to question the extent of his niceness.

    examples:

    -asked if i wanted to come to his parents house for dinner

    -started dresser nicer in the office/always asking my opinion about his clothes and shoes

    -compliments my clothes on a daily basis

    -his friends have very strong reactions when they meet me (i.e.-i’ve heard VERY good things about you)

    -i caught him staring at me from across a room

     

    most important of all: we had a drunk make out that HE initiated. it happened at an office bar night. we got drunk and he started rubbing my back in front of everyone at the table. one of his friends noticed and made a comment about how he liked me has talked about me to him. (kinda vague) we ended up leaving together and making out in our office. however, i’ve made it a point to never discuss it again and we haven’t since.

     

    here’s the dilemma. all of these signs point to him liking me, but bc he’s such a nice, charming guy in life, i chalk it up to him just being nice and charming. he can get any girl he wants (he’s hooked up with quite a few at my work). his last gf looked like a model and he has girls fawning all over him when i see him out. i guess what i’m wondering is: is he acting this way purely bc he’s a nice person/kind of a player, or bc he actually has feelings for me? help!

     

     

     

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @newtothis
      It’s impossible to say. He might be a player who is toying with you, or he might be very attracted to you, or he may feel more. I wonder why you guys never discussed making out. That would have been the perfect time to lay your cards on the table. The fact that he’s hooked up with quite a few girls at work is a red flag – definitely player behavior, especially since people are generally more reserved about hooking up with coworkers.

      If he likes you, you will know it. He is not going to sit by, liking you and never make another move. You can either ask him or wait to see what happens. You don’t say how long this has been going on, but if it’s been awhile I think you can assume that he is not looking for a relationship with you. Because if he was, he would be trying to move things forward.

  • StrikingViking

    Hi Susan,

    Just wanted to give a male perspective on trying to date a friend, and get some female advice in the process!  Please be prepared for ALL the backstory…I think it’s the only way to paint an accurate picture of what’s going on.  But of course, my central question is….does this particular friend-to-lover journey sound like it has potential, or am I just wasting my emotional energy on something that isn’t happening the way I want it to???  On we go…….

    I met this girl during orientation week before my freshman year of college, in 1999 (we are the same age).  Within about 20 minutes, it became clear to me that we shared many similarities…of personality, humor, taste, values, upbringing, etc.  As we progressed through college, I kept in close contact with her as a friend (spent several occasions talking all night), and my feelings for her began to deepen.  Of course, throughout our time there, she always seemed to be in a relationship, and I was DEFINITELY not as forthcoming and confident as I am now, so as much as I cared about her, I think I knew inside that the time simply was not right to discuss with her how I felt.

    We graduated in 2003, I saw her on a few occasions after that (even met her mother once, who seemed to know quite a bit about me, and her brother, whom I later found out said I was “cool.”), and then after a February 2005 get-together (in which she said “we definitely have a connection”), we began to lose touch.  My career in the film/television industry began to take off, and she shifted her emphasis from TV to education, and is now a high school English teacher.  She had been in a couple more relationships, and I was in a relationship, but in the back of my mind I never forgot just how “right” everything felt with her.  She was (and is) the kind of woman I could spend hours talking to, because I want to.  And just when you start to analyze the entire situation, you realize that it all falls into place:  She’s beautiful, she’s intelligent, she curses like a sailor in an appropriate setting, yet is also very sweet and empathetic. And another thing:  She has one of the greatest senses of humor of any woman I’ve ever met.  I’m serious when I say that ALL points of debate are covered favorably with her.

    Anyway, cut to July 2011.  We were facebook friends, but not really in contact.   But of course, the greatest thing about facebook was (and is): relationship status!  I was scrolling though my friends one day, came across her, and noticed the golden words: single.  Her 30th birthday was in about a week, so I resolved that I was going to break the embargo and reach out to her then.  I did (via text, not facebook…definitely the lesser of impersonal evils I would say!).  She responded to me about an hour later, saying “thank you, great to hear from you, can you believe how old we are,” and that she wanted to get together and catch up.  I said definitely, that my schedule was open next week, and that I’d love to take her out for some wine and good food.  We met up, and from the moment we got in the car together (I opened and closed her door, of course), it was like no time had passed at all, let alone six years.  Instead of the usual catch-up chit-chat on the way to the wine bar, we were making fun of hipsters within 5 minutes.  Instead of endlessly talking about the past, we were discussing what we wanted for our futures.  We even discussed what we wanted in an ideal partner, and our answer to each other was one-in-the-same:  the ultimate ally.

    It was apparent to me as the evening progressed that I was absolutely right to keep her in my mind all this time.  She said that I was more handsome than she remembered, that she felt very comfortable talking to me about anything, and that she felt physically safe with me.  But, one particular moment stood out:  After she had talked about bad boyfriend experiences in the past (including their odd sexual habits, which we ended up laughing about) I talked about a bad girlfriend experience, but said the one thing I appreciated about my ex was that, underneath all the incompatible surface things, she genuinely seemed to like me for who I was, nothing more and nothing less.  Her response was:  “Why wouldn’t she….you’re great.”

    She wrapped up the night, after three “come here, hug me agains”, saying that she couldn’t believe that we waited this long to see each other and that she couldn’t wait to do it again.  My head was absolutely SCREAMING that I had to know whether she ever felt anything for me, or if I was reawakening any latent feelings, but after a six-year hiatus, I also knew that I had to give it some time so it would seem natural when it came up.  Of course, I’m also fretting inside, because you don’t often see I left, and made plans with her a few days later to meet up again.

    After a few more drink/food dates (in which I found out that she is now a vegan, and I put the ball in her court to introduce me to the “mysterious world” of animal-free cuisine…which she seemed pleasantly surprised by), I found out I had an opportunity to go to Las Vegas for a month to work on a TV show.  I accepted (the money was substantial), told her, and suggested we go out one more time before I left.  I pulled out all the stops this time, but before I go on (and on, and on), I need to make one thing clear:

    We are very passionate movie fans, both in the critical/artistic sense and in the direct-link-to-childhood/”I know it’s shitty but I don’t care” sense.  This leads us to endlessly talk about them, give suggestions,  and my personal favorite, send random texts throughout the day of movie quotes (as diverse as Home Alone, Adventures in Babysitting, The Devil’s Advocate, Dog Day Afternoon, Blue Velvet, and many many more).  It’s a little childish and weird, but it leaves us in hysterics.  ANYWAY, I find out that there is a print screening of the 1989 Batman, and would she like to go with me?  “HELL YES…did Christmas come early this year for us?” was her response.  I said great, let’s do it, it’s my treat.

    We go, she has a great time, and then I take her to a very upscale Vegan restaurant in Santa Monica.  We eat, we talk, we laugh…she says she loves that I’m one of the only people who will indulge her in her Vegan habits (and yes, before you think I’m just pretending to like this food…it’s actually very good).  She suggests we go to a bar afterward, and that the drinks are HER treat.  I playfully argued with her, saying that if she tried to pay I would tell the bartender that she bounces checks all over town, but then finally relented.  We drink (several), we laugh, I give my opinions on matters and she gives hers (she leans in closer and says “you’re so wise” after one exchange).

    Then we go back to her place.  We sit on her couch talking until 4:45am, during which time she has draped her legs across mine, and I am fully touching them.  Naturally, we’re starting to nod off a bit, and she says that if I’m too tired to drive home, I can stay over.  I said “sure… :)”.  We climbed into her bed, she starts to cuddle into me a bit, my arms are holding her close,  and then our faces are resting right next to each other. Her head leans up slightly toward mine, and, mind racing, I gently kiss her neck.  She leaned her head up just a -little- more, and we start kissing on the lips.  For a solid ten minutes, we laid there close to each other, not speaking, just kissing.  We stop (not suddenly), and after laying there for a second, she says “Wow…it’s not platonic anymore is it?”  I said “no, it’s not.”  It was then that I knew it had to happen….I had to man up and tell her how I felt (especially since I would be leaving for a month the following Monday…painful timing, but was I really going to give the opportunity to some other guy to say what I never had the balls to say?  I think not!!) .  I said that I’ve often thought about her, that on some level I’ve compared every woman with “potential” to her since I became aware of my feelings, and that I think we have the basis of the best kind of relationships: raw compatibility.  Being the respectful man that I am, I also said that “I understand that it’s not easy to go from being a friend into a lover, so I’m expecting that you need time to marinate about something like this.  But I’m not going anywhere…you know how I feel.”   She said she had definitely thought about what a relationship with me would be like, and that she already does “basically love me.”  But, she said, you’re right, in that “I do need a little time to ‘marinate’ as you say, and of course, you’re leaving for a month.”  I again said that I’m right here, and that, being the extreme analyzer that I am, I couldn’t possibly approach this in any other way myself.  We nodded off…but at one point during the now-morning, I was half-awake when she got up to use the restroom, and I heard her giggle a little bit….in that unmistakable, excited “I can’t believe he’s laying in my bed!” kind of way.  She doesn’t know that I heard this.

    She got in touch with me the night before I left, and asked if I wanted to have dinner (now two days after that wonderful night together).  I did, we met, and we had our typical fun time.  She asked me to come over for a drink at her place, I did, and after sitting close on the couch watching something on youtube, she goes to a horoscope webpage.

    She types in Sagittarius (me) / Cancer (her) compatibility.  I thought, OK, this is interesting….at least she’s thinking about possibilities, and she’s certainly not ignoring me after we “crossed the line.”  The funny thing is….Sagittarius/Cancer compatibility on paper is AWFUL.  I’m supposedly the independent adventure junkie who hates being tied down in any way, and she is the highly emotional homebody who values roots, stability and family more than anything else.  Everything I’ve seen about her suggests she has a well-developed adventurous side, and I’ve certainly shown her how much I care about other people….including her.  She reads this, and starts to say things like “This explains why you’re leaving” and “go have your adventures while I crab (cancer…get it??) around LA.”  I said that I’d purposely limit how much fun I’ll have working 12-hour days in 100-degree Vegas heat just so she won’t get jealous!  She looked at me a little funny, but being time to go, I said that despite my supposedly flighty Sag nature, I hope it sinks in that she will be missed. We hugged, but did not kiss, and then I left.

    During my time in Vegas, we kept in contact often (by text and phone).  I watched a couple of movies that she said I “had to watch” (they were great), she did the same with me (she loved them too), we cracked jokes, I sent her random texts of the crazy things the reality show cast members were saying (to which she replied that, during a particularly funny/crazy one, she “missed me”), often asked her simply “how she was” (to subtly let her know I was thinking about her), and I let her know that I missed her.  BUT, here’s the kicker:  I noticed more and more that her response times were taking longer and longer, and that the majority of the time, I was the one initiating contact.  I thought it was odd, but then I also reminded myself that she has a life, as do I, and people get bogged down from time to time (at least, I was hoping that was the case!)  I knew that I missed her terribly, and during particularly stressful days, looking at her picture would often bring me out of whatever funk I was in.  But overall, there was no mention of the conversation we had, the night we shared, At the very least, I knew that confessing my feelings was the right thing to do, because it was amply clear to me that they were genuine.  For the first time in my life, I knew beyond a reasonable doubt that I love this woman.

    I get back from Las Vegas after a month, but it’s four days before she can meet up again.  When we finally do, I picked her up and took her out to vegan dinner.  We hugged a long, lingering hug (but again, did not kiss).  I couldn’t help but notice during the dinner, though, that there was kind of a lack of excitement…it was as if she had seen me that night before, rather than the month before.  Very “pedestrian.”  She started to ask about specifics of the job/trip, and then asked if I had “fun.”  I told her the job went very well, but it wasn’t that much “fun.”  She then said….”why not, don’t you Sagittariuses always love being away on a crazy long adventure??”.  I looked at her a second, and honestly answered that yes, I love adventure, but I’m the type of person who loves to share adventure with others.  She then looked at me for another second, and I said “about this Sag thing, let me give you a teacher analogy, because I know you’ll understand this:  Does your classroom run exactly how your syllabus says it will?”  She was said nothing after that, but just chuckled a little.  I looked at her with playfully exaggerated cockiness, and just said, through a small smile, “Yeah…”  The night ended with another long hug, but no kiss, and, noticeably, no mention of our bedroom conversation before I left.

    It’s been a week since the first and only time I’ve seen her since I’ve gotten back.  Every time contact has been made, it’s been made by me.  And unfortunately, there are no definite plans to meet just yet.  So finally, my questions are these:

    1) Does it sound like this girl is interested in me in a romantic way, or is her initiating less contact a way of telling me that she doesn’t want to be as close as we got?

    2) Is it possible that she’s simply deep in thought about the romantic possibilities, but needs more space to consider them?  One thing I can say is that ALL of my friends, male and female, who have heard me describe what’s happening say that it sounds like she likes me (of course, friends aren’t always objective!), and that this theory is likely.

    3) It’s pretty obvious by the length of this story that I feel very strongly about her and that I see a lot of potential (long-term, even) in a relationship with her.  Also, it should be pretty obvious that if I took the time to organize my whole story like this, I’m going out of my f***ing mind over it!  I’ve already come to the conclusion that I will be pretty wrecked if this doesn’t work out, because there’s a lot of emotional energy invested (who says a Sagittarius never thinks of anyone besides themselves?!).

    4)  Ladies, listen up please:

    If this all doesn’t turn out the way I want it to, I hope that the following happens (keep in mind…this is what EVERY GUY WANTS TO HAVE HAPPEN IF HE’S BEING REJECTED):

    Men are, as we all know, logically inclined, and we thrive on clarity of thought.  If you find yourself in a situation where you don’t feel the same way, please be honest with him and TELL him so.  If he took the time to put his heart and pride on the line to tell you how he felt (which is a compliment and nothing to be ashamed of, no matter how you cut it), then it’s only right to return the same honesty to him.

    5)  Should I wait her out to see how long it takes her to make contact with me?  That’s very difficult for me to do, as it goes against “keep the fire burning,” but I feel like it would be very telling to see how much time goes by, and what kind of reception I get when she does.  I don’t view this as a mind game…I see it as an indicator of how much I should keep pouring into this situation.

    6) Does it typically take you ladies a long time to organize your thoughts on matters like these, or is it something you know instantly?

    The only thing I’m completely sure of is that I’m proud of myself for refusing to go along with “what-ifs?” and ask her straight-up how she feels, and not leave anything to chance.  Even if it doesn’t go well, I will find catharsis in that…..eventually!

    Thank you Susan…..you’re already a saint for reading this story!

  • inlove

    Hi I would just like to share my story regarding my feelings for my bestfriend. We started as acquaintance. We were batchmates when we were in college. He’s a very good looking guy but i cant say i was attracted to him because he is so overconfident because of his looks. And most of our batchmates especially boys hates him for that.

    We were groupmates along with my other girl bestfriend for our research class. We spend most time together, sleep over to our friend’s house, talks about our research paper and talks about our lives (love life). I was able to get to know him better. He is not just looks he has a big heart too. And i pity him because many doesn’t have a chance to see that. There  came a time, we talked in private, he shared his secrets to me, his ex gf and his past which is a bad past. As time goes by, we became closer. And in the middle of our research making, he told everyone in our group that if ever she will have his next gf, he wants it to be just like me. I laughed and said, if i will have my first boyfriend, it would definitely not be you. I was just thinking that i might be one of his girls and i was thinking that he is not yet over with his ex gf. But he was persistent. He shows care and makes me different from other girls. I confronted him about this. I told him i cant be in a relationship until i graduate from college and informed him that my father will get me bald if i enter into a relationship. He laugh. My feelings for gets stronger everyday. He always text me and call me. And he had decided one day to come to our house to finally ask for my father’s approval for having date with him and possibly having a relationship with him. My father was amazed of what he did and he taught that he was different from other guys. He taught he was serious about it and respects me as well as my family. That was the start of our happy moments. We hang out together, share secrets, he introduced me to his friends and churchmates. We’re just happy together. It’s been more than 2 months of dating but i had never said yes. He’s asking but i always say i cant decide yet because I was afraid I will be hurt knowing about his attitude about girls. But i know he knew that i already love him.

    There came a time he went out of town with his churchmates. we were constantly texting and updating each other about our happenings. Until one day, we went out and i’ve noticed it was never like before. and finally, he said he still thinks of his ex gf and she liked one of his friends when they had a convention. My heart was really broken and  pretended that i was fine. I said its ok, i didnt like you that much. After that, he texted me and called me to say sorry and he asked me if we could be bestfriends. He also mentoned that at that moment, he cant distinguish what he really felt for me. I agreed to be his bestfriend although it really hurts. All i want is still to be in contact with him. To care for him. not totally cutting the communication.

    From then on, we became closer than before but i can see awkwardness between the two of us is always there. If he likes someone, he tells me about it.  And the most hard part is he want me to be with him when fetching his gf. I was so stupid to say yes. while waiting for her gf, he got impatient and he decided to leave her gf. and i told him no, lets wait. because i know how that feels. her gf will be hurt. So we waited and at the gf appeared. They were walking together, i was just behind them pretending to be busy texting someone. I’ve noticed that he keeps on looking behind trying to check me. The unforgettable part here is, we were about to cross the street, i was behind and he said”hey come here, holds my shoulders and we walked together. leaving his girlfriend alone crossing the street because he opted to wait for me. i felt bad for her gf and told him he should have not done that. he said, he was unconscious doing that. they fought after that. and eventually broke up.

    He was broken-hearted and would like to find another girl. becuase it seems that he cant live without a gf. He easily falls in love but as fast as lightning to fall out of love. That’s the bad thing about him.

    He decided not to court anyone. So most of the time, we were together. As time goes by, i can really see and feel that he still loves me. He wanted to spend more time with me. And there was a time, he planned a 1 day vacation for both of us. He fetch me at home early in the morning, we went to their house. i was surprised seeing his Dad awake as early as 4am. His dad mentioned, he woke me up to prepare all these things and smiled. And i was speechless. There was a breakfast, and everything was already prepared. We will go to beach together. We were really happy that time, while i was holding him on his waist because we were on a motorcycle, he constantly holds my hand. That was the most sweet and happy moment of my life.I really knew i love him. And then he said he loves me. I was about to say i love u too but the words that came into my mouth were “we’re bestfriends let’s keep it that way”. I knew i broke his heart. After that i left and moved to another place to work.

    He wants me back and he wants me to work in our place. I said no. i need to move out to my comfort zone. Behind my mind is I want to be with you but i need to explore, meet new people and test myself if i will forget you. I went to have a date, i was happy but at the end of the day, he was still the one i think of and pray for. Until i decided to try getting into a relationship. I had my first boyfriend. He was really nice and loves me so much. I love him too but unfortunately, not as much as he does. We finally ended our relationship. I went back home, and finally met again my bestfriend.

    His other friends told me that even if my bestfriend has his gf, he still thinks of me and cares for me. They also said that I make him confuse about his feelings for his past girlfriends. Even if his gfs gets jealous he still wants to be with me. and he oftentimes talks good things about me. That his family and friends likes me for him.

    We talked, he had a gf when i was away. That’s expected. lol. Unfortunately, broke up too. So we were both singles and now. As of now, he’s always texting me, wants to spend time with me. He text me everyday asking me out, but i always rejected pretending to be busy. After 2 weeks of rejecting his offer, i finally said yes. We went to his house with his other friend. We cooked together, talked about our plans, and us. He said he will truly miss me because i will be again away to work abroad. he also said, he still has feelings for me, it was always there. if he sees me, there’s still a different emotion. and he also said, he quit courting me before when we were in college because i was just so special. he doesn’t want to hurt me. He knew he was impulsive with regards to his emotions. He doesn’t want me to be just like those girls he had easily fallen in love with but had fallen out of love. He said, he’s been constantly studying his emotions for me making it sure it was love. And he said. it was love he knew it. It was there always. And my response is ” Dont say that, i wont believe anyway. I was hurt by u once. I cant afford to be hurt again. this will just complicate things and i dont wanna lose you. He said. ‘that’s the point, i dont wanna lose you. I’m not asking you to be my gf now because i know you wont believe everything. All i can say is wait because if i will marry soon, i want it to be you. and i knew it will be you. I will wait. And if we were destined, even if we are away from each other, God will find a way for us to meet again. And i said: such nice words but i will just believe it once it’s already there.. let’s see :)  Thank you for reading.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @inlove
      What a story, thanks so much for sharing it! You are smart to make him wait and prove his love. You have seen him be impulsive with other girls, and he needs to demonstrate that his feelings for you are real and lasting. I hope everything works out just the way you want it to.

  • inlove

    @susan: Yes. That’s true. We’ll see if he’s still there :) Thank you so much! This is a great avenue for people who are inlove. Cheers. Thank you. More Power! :)

  • SoConfused

    I am also in this best friend dilemma. My best friend and I met in college. We knew of each other, but for the last 2 years, we’ve been very close. Our friendship started when he was trying to date me. He proposed a dinner & a movie date, but it never happened because I didn’t like him in that way. Instead of going away as I had initially hoped, he stuck around and began opening up to me about his family and his relationship issues. One day, he told me that I was like his best friend because he knew that he could come to me for anything.

    Eventually, our friendship led to him taking me and picking me up from the airport numerous times, having one-on-one time together just having fun, and I met some of his friends. He even helped me move my stuff out of my dorm when I graduated. We’ve both met each other’s parents and they’re very cordial with each other.

    The only issue is that our friendship became sexual. During our college years, we’d “miraculously” end up in bed with one another. It started off very weird, but it became natural. We’ve kissed and everything, but we maintain that we’re just best friends.

    Now, we’re in two different locations pursuing graduate degrees. We talk practically every day and occasionally Skype each other. He told me, and his mother suggested, that he’s going to come visit me very soon. He’s said that he loved me a few times, but I never knew if it was romantic or platonic. I even asked him, while he was drunk, if he liked me. I never received a straight answer, but he did tell me that we can’t date now because he’s not too keen of long distance relationships. He doesn’t really like it when I talk about other guys, but when I do, he always throws in that he’s my best friend. His talking to me about females has dropped from 95% to 2%.

    At this point, I am unsure about what to do, if anything. We’re in a weird place where he just wants to “enjoy what we have.” That’s what he’s said. I don’t know whether to wait or have a serious sit-down with him about it.

  • CookieLover

    I met my best friend in the 8th grade. We had a rocky start and I won’t get into it. But in 9th grade, we got closer and closer. I knew I was falling for him, but I didn’t want another repeat disaster, so I brushed it off as infatuation. But these feelings didn’t and wouldn’t go away. By the end of that year, I felt like I found the best friend I was looking for my whole life. He felt close enough to me to tell me his secrets and I was the only one who knew for a while. I probably still am, I don’t know. But anyway, after that we continued to get closer. We texted each other every day and night, and we hugged each other a lot. His texts would always have me laughing and vice versa. Every time we’d talk on the phone, we’d talk like it seemed forever. We could talk forever, never getting bored or having awkward moments, and we still can. He would tell me anything that crossed his mind, like the people he was dating or wanted to date. I listened, with interest, but some disappointment, because I wanted to be his girlfriend all this time. He would tell me I’m pretty, or funny, or sexy, and I knew I wasn’t, but he wouldn’t let me believe that I wasn’t. Every time he touches me, I feel a calmness that I don’t feel with anyone else. Every time we hug each other, we’re completely comfortable and don’t care who may be watching. When we have long hugs, it’s even better. I don’t want to let go and he lets me rub his back as if he knows that I want to and he’s comfortable with me touching him like that. I usually playfully touch him and I had no idea how often I did it until he told me, but he didn’t care. I love staring into his eyes and whenever I hear his voice talking to me, I’m just tempted to tell him how I feel. I love him so much. I didn’t realize it until last year that I really may love this guy if he’s been my best friend for 2 yrs and I still think we may be awesome together. We tell each other everything and I love that. I love that he trusts me so much to share intimate details and I feel safe when I share anything with him. We say we love each other every time we’re on the phone and at least once during the week if we can’t call each other. When I tell him I love him, I feel like I’ve never been more honest about anything. But he doesn’t realize that I’m actually in love with him, and I’m kind of glad because I would feel devastated if I lost him over this. I always want to kiss him and tell him how much he means to me and how great he is. I told myself that I would never tell him because I would hate myself for saying those 3 words that would lead to a relationship that probably wouldn’t work.
    His friendship is the best friendship I’ve ever had, and I don’t want to risk losing it. But when I hold it back, I feel like I’m missing out on something that could be so great and worth giving a try. I have a feeling that he may have feelings for me though I could be wrong since we’re great friends. I really love this guy and wouldn’t hurt him for anything. Could he possibly be into me? Am I being stupid for deciding that telling him would ruin everything?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @CookieLover

      Thank you for sharing your moving story of friendship. I can see why you wouldn’t want to risk it. On the other hand, you are in love with someone and are keeping that a secret. How can that not affect the friendship? And don’t you think he senses it?

      I have no way of knowing how he feels, and neither will you unless you talk about it. The fact that he talks about other girls is not a good sign, also that he has never gone for the kiss, even to just try it out. On the other hand, he obviously invests a great deal in the friendship. He may be into you but sharing the same fears and questions that you have.

      You say the relationship probably wouldn’t work. Why not? A best friend who you are attracted to? Isn’t that the best foundation for a relationship?

  • Anon

    Ive been with my bf for 6.5 years now but we went on a break for a bit during college. I work at a gym and during this break I met Larry. We had mutual friends so we always say each other and began to flirt at the gym. My sorority had a week of events and I casually invited him out for support because he is also Greek. He said remind me and wrote down his number. Although he was extremely sexy I wasn’t pressed so I didn’t text him for like a week and a half and he started texting me good morning and trying to hang out. I think he realized I wasnt gonna be a booty call so he was intrigued. He then started inviting me to the library (I hate the library) but I would stay in there all night because he was so persistent. Nevertheless we became really close and I’m a jealous friend so I joked about him not being friends with another of my friends and he said “I could never replace you, you’re like a best friend” from that moment we called each other bets friends. He told me he had a baby on the way once he “trusted” me and I though it was cute. I didn’t feel any type of way because I only viewed his as a friend. We had sleepovers after watching late night movies and nothing ever happened. I felt some type of way as a woman when he didn’t try it because he told me how attracted he was to me and stuff. I asked him why he didn’t try and he said our friendship is too valuable. Once the baby was born he moved in with the mother and he told me it was just for the kid and they weren’t messing around. Once he told me they had sex I was thinking what the fuck. Then I knew I had feelings for him.

    We went from seeing eachother every single day to not at all because he moved we used to have routine lunches every Wednesday. I miss those. Anyway, we kept in touch and he was like what do you want for Christmas. I never had a guy buy me stuff pay for my dinner and movies and not want sex It intrigued me. He was trying to make things work with his baby momma but it wasn’t official so he still had sex with numerous women. He was def a ladies man. He eventually moved out into his own place with roommates so I have visited him 3 times there. We talked about having sex for months but it always ended with “no we don’t want ruin the friendship” I knew I was in love when I stayed the first time and we were talking about his future with his baby mother . He talked about marrying her in 5 years my heart sank as I tried to act happy for him. That day he left me to go take care of her because her grandmother died. My female bestfriend and I hung out with his roommates all day. I missed him so much when we got back to his place I balled my eyes out to her. Sad thing is he didn’t even tell his baby mother that I was there. We have had plenty of opportunities to meet but for some reason he just won’t. “it’s not the right time” she def knows about me though and doesn’t feel comfortable. I don’t blame her.

    We had sex, planned sex the second time I stayed and it was great. We didnt act weird or anything after we actually met up the next day in dc at a club. We have had many talks through email about my feelings he knows I am in love with him because he tells me. He tells me he loves me randomly but not always when I say it. We even got in argument about it because he says I just say it to get a reaction. But he told me he loved me first lol. His baby just turned one and I made him a personalized shadow box not sure how his mom felt about it but I love that little boy. He has sent me pictures and videos of him since he was born. He is currently not with the baby’s mother. I’ve thought about ending the friendship because Im in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same. I got back with my bf because that is all I know really I’m comfortable. I don’t look at him the same way I do my bestfriend and everyone sees it. People tell me I’m in love with him before I admit to anything it’s crazy. I want them to meet because if we ever hope to have a real platonic friendship them our partners have to know eachother but I’m sure it won’t work out, He is a really good friend or a horrible one there is no in between and he is moody like a girl. He pushes me away sometimes and then he checks on me everyday. I’m confused about why he keeps me around. He could easily say leave me alone and be free of me but he emails and texts me all th etime. We are planning on meeting a weekend in dec to exchange Christmas gifts like last year. His words ” I love you to death and you are everything I could ever want in a best friend I really appreciate you” .after we had sex all he talked but was not wanting to pay child support not about his love for the mother. This makes me think that he is only there for the baby which is admirable but darn.
    and he says although the sex was amazing we can’t do it again because he values me so much.

    I guess I just wanna know your opinion. Can guys really value someone’s friendship so Much that they force self control on theeirself to not have sex? Will we ever be able to just be platonic will my feelings ever weaken? And why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want anything more than
    Friendship? Could I be here just In case he realized there really is not future with the mother of his child. Helpppp

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Anon
      I do not understand why you didn’t run in the other direction when he told you he “had a baby on the way.” Why would you get involved with a man who has a baby momma, much less one he is seeing/living with/having sex with?

      He does not care about you. He welcomes the attention and support from you, but he has not made you a priority in his life. You said it yourself – he is a ladies man. He will never make you happy. Sticking around “just in case” is for fools. Move on and find someone who cares for you and you alone. This is just a total waste of your time, youth and beauty.

  • name

    wow this article is pretty much dead on what I was doing when I had interest in my friend. Sadly I expressed interest and she rejected me. we stayed friends and I kinda changed how I acted not giving a shit so to speak of what she thought about me.
    We have one class together with easily 100 people, were no one knows each other. we got divided into groups for a project I ended up with her and a bunch of people neither of us knew. we had our first group meeting and I started teasing her etc before I was to scared of what she would think of me if I did it, surprised she started doing it back. when I met up with just the guys in the group to work on our portion, they all thought we were dating when I told them we weren’t they were certain she liked me. The projects over now and she still continues to act the same way that suggested the interest to the guys in the group in the first place.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Name
      If you still like her, ignore her. Teasing is good, but you have to make it clear you’re not invested. Make her qualify herself to you. Trust me, that’s what she wants.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    Name,

    Was just telling this story tonight. In grad school I fell in love with Girl A, who started dating another guy soon after my feelings blossomed. I was devastated, obviously. I told her a couple months later she should dump her bf and date me; she wasn’t amenable to that, acted out at me in a cruel way and I cut off contact. We gradually became friends again, and one day I told her about Girl B, whom I had a jones for and had just LJBF’d me when I made a move.

    Girl A and I dated later, and she told me that was the moment the spark lit for her – the thought that my feelings had extinguished and I had replaced her got her system humming. It didn’t work out in the end, but it taught me the value of the takeaway.

  • lollii

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years and I’m happy, the truth is this guy is totally what I have been lookin for. Now before I went out with my boyfriend I had a bestfriend (guy) who we used to hook up together but then remained just friends. Now I don’t know what happened but this guy friend is texting me a lot, even to meet him on weekends. My bestfriend (girl) always said he likes me and is now missing me as he realised what he lost because he never acted. I used to like him a lot but it’s not worth it to loose my boyfriend. To be honest it’s not that it’s not tempting to get laid with him. I wish I can understand a guy’s mind! haha

  • name

    thank you badger and susan, at the moment it is kind of hard to ignore/ replace her. when we switch courses next semester she will be in nearly all my courses and she tends to want to sit next to me. The other day I was talking to a mutual buddy about this girl I know and girl i like sitting there said something, buddy asked if she was jealous and she actually had to think for a minute before responding she wasn’t.
    If she notices a guy thinking she is interested she cuts off seemingly anything that could be considered flirting yet continues to flirt with me. Is it possible to make her qualify herself without ignore her or am I looking at ignoring her in the wrong matter? thanks again

  • inlove

    i know im inlove with my bestfriend. we’re almost there for romantic relationship before, he broke my heart but we decided to become bestfriends. i had witnessed his many relationships after that. i know that he feels i am just here for him.

    recently, we our romantic bond ignited once again. i broke up with my ex bf and he had broke up with her ex gf more than months ago. i know she really love her ex and i cant help myself but to think that i am just an option and a rebound. but he told me that he loved me before up until now. he is constantly reminding me that i am not an option nor a rebound. he just did not pursue before because he knows he’s an implulsive type of person when it comes to love, and he doesnt want to hurt me. he would like to make sure his feelings for me first. he always say i love you but i never respond because im afraid. he would make excuses just to see me. and im shocked, he’s telling stories about me to his friends. we kissed, and i wasnt able to control it. i just said i love u. and now, he told me that he would like to marry me if he became stable. i told him i cant be in a relationship full of doubts. i will be working abroad soon, but he said, he’s willing to wait. i can feel his sincerity but im just confused. Do you think he really loves me? please help

  • tianeid

    i recently have this predicament. i have a guy friend that is so amazing. he’s so sweet and nice, but he has a gf. and him and i talk a lot. we text each other and were in the same spanish class. that’s how we met. but he exhibited some of the stuff listed above. and considering i thought it strange that after he asked if i wanted to study with him for the final, we mostly talked about ourselves and asked each other random questions. one of the first things he said unprovoked was “my relationship is rocky lately” and i just looked at him and said “Oh?” yet on the inside i was screaming omg omg omg!!!!!!!!!! idk what to do. i know im gonna tell him eventually i like him, but i can’t yet.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @tianeid

      No overlap. You need to play it cool. If he is interested in ending his relationship, and – or because – he is interested in you, that’s his drama to play out. You don’t want to start a relationship with someone who’s cheating. And if he tries for that, he’s a bad guy.

  • http://google.com Claudia

    So I am in college. I used to like a guy but another friend liked him so I attempted to get over it. Then a close friend of mine started to date the guy, lets call him Zach, but because she did not discuss it with the girl who originally liked him she lost a lot of friends. I stuck by her side, lets call her veronica. Veronica and Zach started to date n dated maybe 2 weeks. Veronica had never been kissed and wears a purity ring. Zach being my close friend also used to txt me constantly about how she has no idea about relationships. Long story short Zach n I became very close while veronica and him fell apart and broke up. Zach and I ended up hooking up (no sex!!) ad I did tell veronica because i felt guilty. I’m now starting to fall for Zach and I think he likes me also but we agreed to a friends with benefits type relationship so I question if he really likes me. Im also not sure if dating him is worth breaking girl code over.
    Some signs of him liking me include: we hooked up and we still talk everyday and we are on holiday break.
    He doesn’t text veronica hardly at all anymore.
    He once told me he would date me if 1) I liked him and 2) he hasn’t have started dating my good friend (this was while he was in a relationship with veronica)
    While in a relationship with veronica we all went out to a local club and zach became very jealous of any guy that I danced with etc and he admitted to it.
    He has told me im attractive on more than one occasion.
    I recently was having a very joking conversation with him and said “oh u totally want me!! ;) lmfao” and he replied with “maybe..its classified” when I asked him to release the classified information he told me “the classified information will be released at the proper time.” *im thinking that’s him saying he’s gonna ask me out soon. Idk.
    He has made a “days till I see Claudia” calendar on his phone.
    he wants to get pizza or something with me once we get back to school.
    We usually go out clubbing in a large group but when I suggested we go just him and I he agreeded.
    I jokingly said I was sad because I dont get a kiss under the mistletoe or on new years and that he owes me he said “of course. But I doubt I can stop at just kissing”
    He has told me numerous times he had targeted gotten into a relationship with me.

    *****im so confused. I like him a lot. But maybe he’s toying with me because we have hooked up before. He is a close friend and I would hate to lose him. Do I ask him out? Let him ask me out? Get over him? Any advice I would be so grateful for.
    HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL THAT READ THIS!

  • http://google.com Claudia

    *he has told me numerous times he would have rather gotten into a relationship with me.
    (just a correction!)
    Happy holidays once again everyone..

  • Chelsea D.

    Hi! I read the story from inlove and found the board walk scene so touching! I have a quick question to ask. I am a highschool student and there is this guy that i have been crushing on for almost 2 years. We have slow danced, he even admitted his feelings, he has called me beautiful and the whole bit- HOWEVER when people ask if we are dating we are both like nope! He has never kissed me even though we feel so strongly about eachother. Last year he said that he wasnt ready, but that he still really likes me. Should i make the move for a kiss or should i wait? I want it to happen but I dont want to risk making him uncomfortable and ruining everything. Help!!

  • Candy

    Hi,
    what if he does all that yet he always says that we are best friends and he already has a Girlfriend ! by the way he is currently working in another country and he always say that he is looking for girls to dat and not to marry!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Candy

      Do not waste one minute of time on this guy or any guy who has a girlfriend! He’s getting off on getting you to like him, don’t fall for it.

  • Anonymous

    Hi Susan,
    I am quite in a predicament. I became friends with this guy and before I knew it we became very close. I consider him my best friend. H e has to be the sweetest guy I have ever met. He had always flirted with me and once in a while mentioned his feelings toward me in a joking manner. He complimented me often, remarked very briefly about how it would be like if we were a couple and how he wished other girls were like me, and he would run his fingers through my hair. I never paid much attention to it though because I did not see him that way, or at least I thought. People who see us together think something is going on between us and haven’t come to admit yet or that we actually are a couple. We tell them that is not the case. His parents even want us together. People asked me what is going on between him and I and I tell them we are just friends; they respond back by saying “maybe for you but not for him. He always looks at you and he acts differently around you.” I told him we shouldn’t make any more physical contact in front of people because of how the rumors were flying around and he got so mad.
    Besides that, I always came to him for advice and vice versa. However, I realized that I had problems committing to a relationship recently. I believed that it was probably that I had not moved on from my ex. I was wrong. I saw my best friend crying recently and it just tore at my heart. When I had seen him cry it came to me that I was in love with him and no wonder I couldn’t commit to any relationship due to my feelings for him. From the beginning I have had feelings for him and was just in denial. I don’t know what to do. He has a girlfriend (he always spoke to me about girls and his girlfriends and asked for advice but he rarely mentions her..?), I have somewhat shot him down, and I don’t want to ruin our friendship, as well as I don’t know if he still likes me if he even had before.
    Some things he does around me that makes me think he likes me are:
    1)He always looks at me, and sometimes I don’t think he even know he is doing it.
    2)The way he looks at me.
    3)Rubs my shoulders as he is walking by or other small physical contacts
    4)He is super comfortable talking to me about anything
    5)He used to run his fingers through my hair
    6)We used to cuddle
    7)He flirts all the time
    8)He comes to me for help or just to talk
    9)Hugs me
    10)Puts his head on my shoulder
    11)Always sits beside me no matter if his brother is sitting somewhere else or his other friends.
    12)Protective of me
    It seems we are getting close, but at the same time he doesn’t text me as much or tells me about his girlfriend like he used to do with other girls (I find this fact is a relief however odd).
    Anyway, I need help on deciding what to do and knowing if he feels exactly what I am feeling or something similar.

  • kate

    first, may I say that this blog is so nice and I can’t believe I actually read everything, it took me like a week! :p but I could really really really use some advise.
    So, I have known this guy for 4 years now and last year we sat together in class and I started talking to him (he isn’t really the kind of guy that opens up to everyone) and then we became friends and this year we started talking every day after school on facebook so then we kinda became best friends.
    Now, I really like it when I am with him and he does too and I hit him (friendy) all the time and we tease each other. Actually that’s how we became best friends in the first place.
    But the thing is, he liked one of my best friends, for a very long time. I’m not sure if he still does, but even if he is he wouldn’t stand a chance because they don’t even talk and he’s too shy to talk to her. However when I had asked him a while ago he told me that when she’s around he feels uncomfortable. Personally, I don’t get how he can like someone who he doesn’t talk at all.. Also, in about five months I’m am going to move with my family into another country, so we are going to see each other only when I come back. Also, when I was trying to find out if my friend would ever go out with him everyone was like ‘come on!! no wayy!! he is NOT pretty!’. I don’t think he’s ugly but because he’s not that social and a very good student she didn’t like him at all. Don’t get me wrong he has lots of friends but they’re mostly guys. I am his only close girl friend. I know what my friends think about him shouldn’t matter but it does..
    I really don’t know, I don’t even know what I am feeling! Sometimes, I feel I want to kiss him or hug him for no reason, others and don’t really feel anything. But I always love spending time with him and as I have seen he does too. He won’t hug me properly or kiss me on the cheek but sometimes , when I hit him gently (:p), he takes my shoulders and kind of moves me towards him but not entirely. I’m not sure if I’m very clear but please please please answer me!! :D

  • unsure

    I’ve been thinking about this question for a long time, but there is something in men that holds them back from expressing these feelings and it’s usually feelings of inadequacy. He probably thinks he’s not going to be the right guy for the girl or he’s content with the way the relationship is at that moment. Either because he has a girlfriend or doesn’t have enough time to dedicate to her.

    Most women are impatient (deep flaw btw!) and can’t understand why a man won’t tell a woman that he likes her. But it’s a good thing because he’s thinking about her well-being and has her best interest at heart. It’s rather sweet.

    I also think it has something to do with the fact that on some level, the guy needs to feel like he is needed in her life. That if he wasn’t around she would somehow be incomplete. (not lost! just incomplete) If a puzzle piece is missing the puzzle is still a puzzle… it’s just incomplete.

    And then there is the flip side…. the guy is so content with the relationship that he doesn’t realize the mortality of the friendship. At the end of the day he has to make a choice, is she important enough in my life?

    In my case, I’ve been friends with this guy for a long time but I never realized he liked me until much recently when I started developing feelings for him as well. It became quite clear to me that I had been oblivious to his charms for quite some time. I never saw him in that light so it’s a rather new feeling that I’m not sure I’m quite comfortable with. My best friend realized I had a crush on him way before I came to the realization that I had developed feelings for him! It’s still rather weird for me but after months of denial trying to do mental blocks I guess I just give up. I’m pretty sure I kept giving him mixed signals during this phase so I can imagine his confusion. lol!

    He recently asked me what sort of guy I was looking for and after hearing the qualifications he said to me: “Please, don’t ever settle.” (very sweet) to which I responded “I promise I won’t.” In that same conversation I asked him why he isn’t in a relationship and he said he just hasn’t found a woman who is mentally compatible with him and shares his same values.

    Although I do like him back, frankly, I don’t think I’m quite ready to enter into a relationship with him. I like him as a friend, and I think we share a lot of the same values and we are very compatible. I just have a hard time picturing us kissing. LOL

  • Unusually Confused…

    First off, great blog! It has kept me very entertained on a sleepless night. The reason I am sleepless is I have many questions about my best friend and I. It’s actually getting to the point where I am getting frustrated and I am worried the frustration will effect the friendship. May I lead off this may be a long story that may start off slow but it builds. If you want to skip just go to the last two paragraphs, explains my last weekend.

    I have known Kristie (not her real name) for roughly 12 years. I know what you are saying “That is unusually long time” but you have to know we weren’t always so close. It is something that has grown into a very close relationship. We met on New Years 2000 and I was blown away by her beauty the first time I ever saw her. I did approach her and tried to chat her up but she just sat there smiling and didn’t really respond. Several months pass by and she became friends with a mutual friend of mine from High school who I used to hang out with all the time, who was also female. They eventually became roomies in University so we started hanging out more and more. This led to us going out one on one coffee dates. We always had great conversations and could make eachother laugh and I believe this is why we grew closer.

    I have wanted more of our relationship but I never knew when a good time for me to bring it up. Besides our initial conversation on Y2K, I had never brought it up again. Reason being, is that when she started hanging around our mutual friend she was dating another guy. Just before they went to University, he decided to end their relationship and she was devastated. I tried to be there for her as much as I could but didn’t feel it would be right to move in at that moment, as she obviously still cared very much for the ex. Eventually she met this other guy who I am not fond of at all. All I’ll say is he treated her poorly and of course this made me angry but again I waited off to the side. One night around this time a bunch of us went to a bar and at some point through the night I was talking about my lack of a relationship and in general pretty down on myself. When I heard her say under her breath “I’d date you” and when I wasked her to repeat herself she just basically ignored my request and went on with the rest of the night.All I’ll say is he treated her poorly and of course this made me angry but again I waited off to the side.

    After a couple years she was still dating dipshit and her relationship with our mutual friend fell apart. I realized that I needed to move on with my own life and decided I was going to move across the country to a city which was booming with jobs at the time. I let everyone know and she told me that if she didn’t get this job she was interviewing for she would move out here too. Long story short, she didn’t get the job and ended up moving out here after I did and we became roomies for 2 years. This is where all the confusion really started.

    We’d go out to bars just after we moved here with a bunch of friends I knew that moved out here before we did and she’d pull little moves like tearing her beer label off and placing it on the front of my pants and patting it down. To me and I’m sure a few of you this says one thing but pretty soon after this she was making out with another guy. This was within the hour. So I took it as kind of a rejection and just thought it was a stupid drunken night. Another time at another bar she invited me to grab her chest (which I did) but again by the end of the night it was all forgotten about and nothing materialized.

    She ended up meeting another guy and of course I became jealous but I actually liked her boyfriend. He was a great guy. Admittedly I became a little stand offish because she always invite me to go out with them but I didn’t like being a third wheel and it was always awkward when he came over. Around this time I ended up hitting some financial difficulties and we also got kicked out of our apartment by our crazy landlady. Which we think was because she saw her boyfriend coming and going and I we think she assumed we were a young couple. She was pretty religious and of course this didn’t fly with her lol. Any way because of these issues we ended up temporarily moving into her boyfriends place. I decided then that I couldn’t stick around for her anymore and she would be fine with him. So I decided to move back home, to get things back in order for me.

    To this day we still have arguments about that time and she believes me leaving and forcing them to move in together ruined their relationship because it was too soon. Maybe it did, maybe it didn’t but I had to do what I did for me.

    While I was back home I missed her terribly and I was pretty depressed because I always wondered how she was doing and if she was ok. One night while sitting at home I don’t know why but an urge overcame me to let her know how I felt. I ended up writing a pretty lengthy letter and I basically told her that I knew this would change our friendship but I considered it unfair to the both of us that I didn’t tell her the way I actually felt. I explained that I was really worried that she would be upset that it would end our friendship. I waited nervously for 3 days without response and decided I would call and all she would say is that she was surprised and didn’t know, which I feel is kind of BS.

    I ended up moving out west again and after a few months they ended up breaking up. Now I don’t believe this had anything to do with me because I hardly ever hung out with them when I came back because of the whole 3rd wheel feeling.

    So this past summer we ended up moving in together again. This last year she has mentioned while we have been out drinking that she would “settle” for me, which isn’t really what I would want to hear but oh well. She would say things like we will most likely end up together. I try and bring it up later when we are not so drunk but she just ignores what I am saying and blows it off. This has happened a couple times now. When she blows it off I just take it as drunk talk and think nothing will happen so I try and move on. Then when I am talking with other girls she finds a way to come over and interrupt. I am thinking specifically of her friend Melissa who I actually was getting along with really well one night with and Kristie kept trying to get the attention to herself.

    So now the reason why I am so freaking confused this week and why I can’t sleep is because Kristie called me up and asked me to meet up with her and some co-workers for this one persons last day. Kirstie ended up getting a lot drunker then she probably wanted to…(oh by the way I realize I am making it sound like she is an alcoholic but really this is when she lets her guard down I find, she is generally a pretty reserved person who doesn’t let people in too easily)…we ended up being the only two people left from her work group and she made some comments about her personal appearance and I remarked that I didn’t understand her issued with herself, everything she found flawed about herself I found to be her most attractive features. She then said that she knew we’d end up together and that we were basically a couple now and she wondered if we should take it to the next level. She told me that if I started dating another girl she would get really jealous. On the way home she was saying we should hook up that night and make it official. Of course I agreed but we stopped at a place to grab some late night food and when we were walking the conversation turned into how much she missed her ex and he was perfect for her and he loved him. I don’t know about anyone else but that kind of kills it. We ended up going to bed with nothing happening. The next morning it was as if nothing happened, she kept saying she didn’t remember anything from the night before. But a couple of nights ago we were out again and I couldn’t let it be I confronted her about how we almost hooked up. Her response was “That only happened because her other friends always tell her it is going to happen” and she walked away from me to ignore the whole situation because it was getting uncomfortable for her and she then went off to talk with groups of guys, which to be was a huge bitch slap to myself.

    So I am so confused and kind of angry I don’t know what to do. I am thinking of just letting the whole thing go and just walking away. I mean we will still be friends but I can’t play these games. I feel I have put myself out there and she has sometimes shown glimpses of what she might be thinking but squashes it almost instantly. It’s almost like she wants to but gets scared or weirded out and doesn’t confront it. Now just so you know she is like this with everything. She generally doesn’t tackle subjects, she tends to ignore. So any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  • Anon

    Hi Susan,

    I know this is going back a couple of years, but is there any way Chocolate Chip can give us an update? I am in a VERY similar situation, and I don’t feel like I can moan to my friends anymore about it!

  • BFF Status

    Hey there, what an interesting read. I’m actually more touched by the comments than the article, hope it’s not a bad thing, it’s just amazing reading people’s testimonies on best friend relationships. My best friend happens to be a girl as well. God couldn’t have placed a better woman in my life (if she feels how I feel, we’re probably going to end up married). I’m currently single, been in relationships in the past, learned that having a solid foundation as a friend helps out a lot. I’ve never had that before, but with my best friend I do. I’m really just enjoying myself and taking my time as I finish college and she is too. I’m never jealous about her becuase even The Bible says, “Love is not jealous…” we have a blast hanging out and building with each other. We always tell each other that we love each other and that we’re each others favorite people to be with (in terms of friendship). We’re always praying for each other, asking God for grace in friendship (I think without it in the middle of our friendship, we’d be envious towards each other, especially when we get dates with other people). Having the spiritual aspect in our friendship has really helped us not get infatuated with each other. People always think we’re together, we both don’t mind, we tell them we love each other (hey, Philos love exists right?). We’re both just enjoying the season we’re in right now as BFFs and if it’s God will, well then I’ll have the amazing wife He has for me in the future. Sometimes I do wonder how our feelings are towards each other, we’ll sometimes stumble into that topic and then we’ll both retract. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, if anything, I think it’s a confirmation of how we feel. It is comforting though, but we’ll see what the future holds for both of us. Right now I just got to focus on being the best BFF I can be to her, I’m happy with wherever I land in her life, whether I’ll next to her in the alter or being a spectator in the ceremony, I love her regardless, that’s why she’s my best friend.

  • Marc

    @174 You’re the perfect example of why I don’t approve of having friends of the opposite sex if you’re married. Imagine if I were married to your friend, and you were still in her life. Not only are you a guy who did/does have sexual feelings for her, you took it to the max. You also want/wanted to MARRY her. She’s my wife, and I should be comfortable with her hanging out with you? That would completely disrespectful. (Note: I would drop all female friends if I had any at the time if I got married. Why? Because my wife is number one, having female friends could never help our marriage….but could hurt it. So why do it?)
    .
    That’s why you don’t mix friends and lovers. Make her your friend or lover, and be done with it. You don’t deserve just needless complications in your life. Besides, being friends first is creepy. I never have sexual feelings for my friends, nor do I want to be friends with people I have sexual feelings for. There are 3.5 billion men on this planet, can’t you find a male friend?

  • Rachel

    I met my best friend at work. We actually started talking randomly and it was a couple of weeks after I started because we had seen each other around the workplace. I began to have one of those little crushes on him and he found out and we talked about it and he said he had a girlfriend but that we could be really good friends. I thought at first that he was just saying that because he felt bad but he became the most supportive and one of the most meaningful people in my life. Little by little as time passed we just opened up more to each other and he started talking about his girlfriend and how he wanted to break up with her because she never wanted to go out and she was very demanding and would get angry easily and needed to know his whereabouts all the time. He broke up with his girlfriend not too long after talking to me about it. At this point in time, I didn’t have a crush on him and he was only a friend. He tells me his fears and his goals and we’re open and honest with each other. We talk on the phone and we never text because it’s so impersonal. We’re both busy but we’ll call each other 2-3 times a week and we talk for awhile. Our shortest conversation was an hour and our longest was almost five. When we hang out, even if it’s meant to be short (like going jogging together) it always ends up being longer. We spend a good portion of a day together. He pays for me a lot and I always feel bad so other times when we go out I pay for him en though he objects. We went out to eat one time and the bill was almost $70 and he paid for it all even after I told him I could pay for my half. He said if I really felt the need to pay him back I could buy him a book so I did. It was only a $30 book and he told me it was too expensive and he could pay for it so I walked really fast with it and bought it and then he bought me my favorite coffee, which I was surprised he remembered. One of my favorite moments with him was when we were just talking in his car and I tried braiding a price of his hair. It would’ve turned out to be an extremely short braid but a braid nonetheless. He hid in his sweatshirt and I poked him and he squirmed a little and I poked him again and he did the same thing. I discovered he was ticklish and it made me do happy because I kept tickling him and I told him I would stop if he let me finish braiding that peice of hair. He wouldn’t let me and he grabbed one hand then the other and started tickling me. It was just a lot of fun! What I like about being around him is the comfort level we have and how supportive and caring we are of each other. He’s seen me at my worst and has even wiped snot and drool from my face when I cried heavily which is totally gross. I know for sure I love him and I care about him a lot. Even though we’re super close I’m afraid of him knowing that I like him a little more now. At first I had a crush, then he was just a really good friend but now I like him again. The difference now is that I know him better, I’m aware of his likes and dislikes and flaws and everything that makes him who he is and despite all that I still love him very much. It feels amazing getting all of this off of my chest!

  • inkytea

    oh boy….i screwed over a lot of guys this way. (by not heeding the blue, super huge and bolded font.) i’ve lost many friendships because of this, and though i’m trying my best to reconcile them now i sincerely wish i had read this my freshman year of college! aiigh, youth…

  • Calvin Ewing

    Well I don’t think it’s a wise ideal, but people will be people… People just say,”I’m sorry… And everybody makes mistakes. “… That’s B¥££$#!+… You know if it wrong, a potential problem… I’ve played da Game & it played me ( well!!! )…

  • angel

    Hey :)

    Ummm I need some serious help :/. Okay I’m met my bff last year and since I’m beautiful and I know guys are mostly interested in me physically, I made it clear to him that if he falls for me, our friendship is over. He was cool with our agreement since he’s into my friend.

    After months of being on the phone for hours (minimum an hour) EVERDAY and texting each other after our phone calls I’ve realised I’m the one that has fallen for him. He’s totally not my type at all but out of the blue I’ve come to realize he is all I’ve ever wanted and more. Problem is he talks about my friend and whenever I mention my preferences by using other guys as example he will brag about my friend. I know all his close friends and some have suspected that there’s something going on between us. I’ve asked him if he has feelings for me but he says it will complicate things and doesn’t want to mess up our friendship. When I told him that it looks like he’s not into me he opposed it and said that’s what I think and not his words.

    We both don’t stay in the same town but when we meet we don’t sleep, we stay up talking, laughing nonstop. We’ve spoken about sex and our “moments” when we felt like “doing it”. We’ve shared our deepest fears, secrets and I know his background he knows mine, we open about everything and talk about anything, good or bad. I know what he wants from his partner and so does he with me but why doesn’t he take it to another level? Thing is the other girl doesn’t live in his town and I feel like he’s waiting for her to come back and maybe decide which one of us he wants.

    I’m the only girl that he has ever opened up 2 and that is his bff (he told me that himself). We’ve also made an agreement that we will be bff for life, even if we settle down he will come to my house and take me on a get away weekend. I love him soo much but I feel like he loves my friend more, she’s perfect! Oh and he once said to me, he is not going to get married before I do. :/

    My questions are;

    1. Why doesn’t he tell his male friends that he has feelings for my friend?
    2. If he loves me what is he waiting for?
    3. Am I the one reading too much into this?
    4. Why do I feel threatened by my friend?
    5. He knows I don’t like it when he mentions my friend’s name so why does he do it all the time when we together yet brags and tells our friends that he misses me when we haven’t spoken in a week or two?
    6. Does he love me?
    7. Ppl always mistaken us for a couple and he is too comfortable with it, is that a sign?
    8.Is it true love that I have fallen for someone I’ve never dreamed off or ever thought I’ll have feelings for?
    9. Should I tell him exactly how I feel without being “safe” about it?
    10. People know about my friend and him kinda having feelings for each other, does that mean my chances are doomed?
    11. He told his siblings about my friend and so did she (this was before we became bffs). Are they in love?

    Help!!!!

  • ThinksTooMuch

    As I read these stories I’m kind of happy that I’m not the only one. But I’m still confused. You see we’ve been friends for about 3 years and he has a LOT of gal friends. And at the beginning of this year we pretty much have almost every single class together. Also we asked him at the beginning of the year who he liked and it was a girl in band. Anyways we’ve been spending a lot more time with eachother even after school with our friends planning movie parties and stuff. And in Febuary I get asked to prom. I didnt know what to do. I mean sure the guy was okay, but I felt I would be going with him I wouldn’t have a lot of fun. I tell my guy friend about it and he says that I just can’t say yes to anybody and I can’t guarantee that I’m not gonna have a date. So I say no to that guy. So me and my group of friends decide to do a secret valentine. Of course I get my guy friend he gives me a lot of candy and a really heartfelt note. In the note he says I am intelligent beautiful kind and other really heartfelt stuff. This was when I started to get suspicious. I Could see it in his eyes too. But then I think he’s just really nice noticing how I was bummed for not going to prom. He keeps telling me to stop thinking he’s doing it out of pity and that he had no intention to ask that girl in band because his friend was gonna ask her anyways. And I quote: You however – you deserve to go to Prom. And not just anybody, somebody who can treat you right. I can only hope that I can do that. But he’s like this to everybody isn’t he? That’s just who he is really nice. He likes blonde girls not brunettes like me. he says he can see me that I’m this wonderful person. But does he really? 3 times he has called me beautiful. We talk a lot. But same with everyone else. He talks to this girl and this one. Am I really any different? He asked my closest friend once (his friend too) and asked if I like him because I don’t know how to keep my mouth shut and he’s been getting the wrong impression I think. She said to him I don’t know. And asks if he likes me he said I’m a very sweet girl (note: for a warm fuzzy in seminary he said The same thing that freshman year when we were not as close friends yet) and that he likes me but doesn’t have a crush on me. I keep on thinking he likes her not me over and over again. I’m getting soooo sick of it! Some days I’m tempted to ask do you like me? Straight out. But I feel it’s selfish. I’m the one risking the friendship and once that is thrown in then it’ll just get awkward. Am I really willingly to risk that? He treats me just as good as 5 of his good friends just as much as me. Because that’s just how he is. But should I ask? Risk something that could turn out wonderful?

  • Rose

    I have been great friends with my guy friend for about ten years now. For the past four or so, our friends have told us many times that we act like a couple or that we are “made for each other”. I don’t disagree with their diagnosis, and often people we don’t know will comment on us. He has never dated, and neither have I, though I have a history of liking him for some time. We don’t do much outside of school, but this past weekend we went for a bike ride together, which culminated with him informing me that I qualified to be the only girl on his “pretty list”. My close friends are convinced he likes me, which I have no objection to, but I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship by making a move when he isn’t thinking that way at all. He walks me to class, talks to me throughout class, and pulls me onto his lap for road trips. Is he acting as a close friend/brother or is he trying to edge me towards a relationship?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Rose

      He sounds interested, but the only way you’ll know is to ask him or make a move!

  • http://whatdoyoumean Bianca Barton

    What if one of the boy’s friend say that he likes you?

  • Tara

    I would love any advice any readers could provide. I am 10 years older than my bff. We have known each other for 2 years and met when I was married (now divorced) and he was dating his gal. We are both now single. We work together and meet up for dinner once a week. We see each other often during the week and often text late into the night. Because we work together, I am not sure how much he likes me because I am in a senior position to his, or if he really likes me for who I am. We have a blast together, and can talk for hours about every topic – including all of our secrets, past relationships, future desires and more. We have many common interests and definitely appreciate the unique qualities about one another. One thing we both have in common is that neither one of us are very physically demonstrative. That said, he hugs me, touches me when talking and always makes sure he is close to me. He has amazing eye contact and goes out of his way to make sure I am included in every conversation when we are in the same room. We have never kissed, but we have had many fun times together and he never seems to want to leave …. but he never makes a move. All signs say he is attracted to me, but is it possible that a man 10 years younger than me would really be interested? I need some advice. We work together so I don’t want to make a fool of myself, but I really adore this man and would like to see where we could go from here.

  • IthinkI’mfallinghard

    Okay, so this is the story:

    Me and this guy ( lets called him Jesse ) attended the same Business University. We both were studying CA. I didn’t know him personally but he was popular. Then one day in some class the seat next to mine was the only one left and so Jesse came and sat next to me . This was when i was 17. I remember thinking that he was drop-dead gorgeous with his muscular and tan body and Greenish-Grey eyes. Long story short, at first he was super-arrogant and mean and we hated each other.
    This went on for a year but then later we became the best of friends (telling you how is another very long story). He was there for me all the time and stood up for me every single time. He was caring and we shared everything with each other. He helped me when I needed help and we went out whenever we could and we spent most of our time together. We were so close that we even joked about stuff people normally don’t. He did the most amazing things for me and never let anybody ever cause any harm to me. When I would get into trouble, Jesse would always take the blame and everyone thought we were a couple. He would correct me when I would go wrong and always made me his number one priority. When I would go to a party, immediately after noticing me he would excuse himself from his other friends and come over to me. We were inseparable and he meant everything to me. We both were virgins and neither of us had been in a relationship before ( When I found out this about him, shocked would be an understatement. He said he was waiting for the right one) <3 <3 :D :)
    I couldn't think of living without him and we both were pretty upset as graduation neared. I cried myself to sleep every night and he was visibly sad too. He held me close and would comfort me when I cried in front of him.
    So after we graduated we got jobs in different countries so we went our own ways (Being a guy he must've shed only a few tears despite being devastated but I am a girl so I cried a river) but always kept in touch through Skype and Facebook and phone calls and texts. Then one day I got accepted for a job in the same country as him!!!! :D We were so happy! I moved there and he met me at the airport and I ran over to him and he hugged me and we stayed like that for God knows how long. He wiped something wet from my cheeks ( I was crying!! ) and carried my luggage to his car. I spent most of the journey talking to him and squealing with excitement ;) Then we stopped in front of this fancy hotel. I looked over to him in shock and he looked at me with softness in his eyes. He said, "We can't live together. Your parents won't allow it." I knew that was true ( I am Indian, so you know how Indian parents are) but I said " They don't have to know". He looked away and said "Enough" and got out of the car. After making sure everything was alright and I was fine he smiled at me with concern in his eyes. I simply hugged him tight and he kissed me on the forehead.
    Flash-forward, I couldn't find a good apartment and Jesse was trying his best to help me. He kept showing me flats and villas but I didn't like any ( I was being a brat). I missed Jesse alot even though he tried meeting me for an hour everyday. He was really busy since he was in a high post. I still wanted to live with him but he kept saying "Your respect and your parents…." I said i don't care about what people think of me" and he replied "I do" -_______-
    Then one night he was in my room of the hotel and we were just joking around and talking about randon stuff. We were silent for a minute and I lied down and kept my head on his chest. He leaned against the pillows and started stroking my hair. I felt so content being with him. I looked up at him and saw that he was already looking down at me, his eyes full of something I couldn't put a finger on. My heart skipped a beat and I looked away, blushing. He whispered my name and I still didn't look at him. He put a finger under my chin and made me look at him. I said " Let me move in with you" He sat up and so did I. He put a hand on either side of my face and said " Listen to me" I got pretty pissed since I had heard enough of him trying to protect my image and thinking about my parents.
    "No you listen to me. I don't care about what people think. I want to stay close to you as much as I can. I don't want to be on my own. I trust you enough and I know you won't do anything bad to me. You're too gentle and loving to do anything wrong with me." He cupped my face with his hands and said " I have only so much self-control" I asked "What do you mean?" He replied " I'm in love with you. I always have. I never had the guts to tell you this since you were always against it. I have held it in me for 7 years. I love you. "
    I always had a crush on him. But I don't believe in true love and the fact that love lasts forever. What do I do???!

  • Hottie

    And here is the story , we spent ages talking about what he looks for in a girl (and I was
    standing there like Ohhh I am all of that)
    Whenever we talk we joke and smile and laugh at each other. He smiles when he sees me, he flrits with me and he even told me about how a girl flirted with him on the bus, and how weird it was, but we always have good conversations, we tease each other and we talk about really deep stuff like sex and relationships, he has told me some personal stuff?
    And here is where it gets confusing….
    So my friend told me about 1 month ago he likes somebody that goes to his school (we go to different schools) we talked and he asked who I liked I said no one but he never had brought it up again?
    We work together so anything I ask him to do he does. We high five, we tease each other have heart to hearts! He always greats me with hello my name how are you!
    he asked if he could come because I was telling him that we where going to see the hunger games! And he asked if he could come! And I said yes! but it’s just me and the girls and he was like alright!
    I love you – My friend did this as a joke!
    Sorry that wasn’t me that was my friends playing a joke! – me
    Right….;-) – him
    (were going to the movies with me and 2 of my friends and he asked if I was going by myself and I said I am going with my friends so he asked if he could come with me and I said sure!)
    So it told him the time:
    Hey we are seeing the 3:45 movie! You in? – me
    Yep, saturday right? Im in looking forward to it! – him

    I spent the whole day working with him we even had our lunch break together! Anyway at the end he was like all you did was boss me around but that’s alright because all I did was tease you!

    He was all like I like somebody else! And I was like oooohhh tell me and he was like nah your probs no them! I was like damn! And then he was like well do you like somebody and I was like well you know maybe

    My friend he is teasing me and it is starting to annoy me! Like I was telling my friend how I broke my nail underneath my acrylic nail and after I finished he was making fun of my story and was all like I broke a nail oh my gosh and stuff like that!! And then he just mucks about and teases me! Why me why is he doing it to just me!

    What is going on between us?

  • Jay

    My best friend is male. He does just about all these things and we’ve remained just friends for almost 4 years.

  • victoria

    @IthinkI’mfallinghard- clearly your friend cares for you greatly and you do too, I’m no expert and I’m not sure I believe in love that lasts forever, but I would go for it

    Having siad that I have a few problems of my own that I hope someone will help me out with, in particular any male readers:

    In short I am developing feelings for my close friend and I’m not sure of his feelings.These are the issues:
    1)He is not the type that will tell his friends of any seroius feelings he has for a girl (he told me that himself) so I can’t rely on other sources for an indication.
    2) I may/may not have unconsciously rejected him already- having made him lunch one day he offered to “take care of dinner” so I started discussing ideas of what we could cook, only later did the possibility that he was asking me out for a dinner date occur to me. It also did not help that I said he was like a brother when talking to him about his friend- which brings me to a further issue
    3) that his best male friend had (possibly still has) feelings for me and he is all about the bro code- would you (male readers) make a move if you liked the girl?
    4) and we live in the same accodomation (him, his friend and I)

  • victoria

    oh and I did turn his friend down to make it clear

  • Sad girl

    I travel a lot for my job. I have been in my industry for 15 years. Last July, I met a guy that I would interact with frequently. I happen to live 1200 miles away from this man. I didn’t think much about it and treated him friendly but professional. Shortly after that, this man started emailing or calling me every day.

    We would talk about sports and very non sexual stuff. Then, he started showing his interest and sending me pictures of himself. He would talk a little about his wife and teenagers. I would talk about my teen, really didn’t talk about my husband because we have been having marriage problems and he had emotionally abused my for most of our marriage and has issues with
    alcohol. But I enjoyed talking with him and he helped to fill the void of loneliness. And I spent many hours listening, building a friendship, and being there. Then he started the sexual talk…he would tell me how beautiful I was and sexy. Though I never saw myself like thus. It was this pretend sex …and yes, I did participate. It grew more intense and I found myself wanting him very much. He wanted pictures of me…no nude but in sexy poses and lingerie. I started wanting him ad his approval so day, I gave them to him and I started dropping weight. I wasn’t heavy anyway, but I dropped 25 lbs. I was asked to model and be in a beauty contest which I did. This guy was all over that. He continued then started getting nervous and backing off, then he would be back with sexual stuff. We saw each other several times, but nothing happened. He talks about his much he likes me
    and cares, and I have told him that I respect, and care for him. I have told him how attractive he is. He had told me that he was just boring ordinary. I told him he was far from. Fast forward, we have gotten closer as friends but no intimacy because we are both married…although I like him so much that is he made a mice, I could not say no. The sexual tension is there, but we like each other as people and we have to interact professionally. I know I should not feel this way, but I care about him. I can’t stop thinking about him. I have shed my tears over him. He mentioned how perfect his life is and my life sucks because there is a man I would love to be with and can’t so I settle for being a good friend who honestly cares about him and listens to him. Sometimes, I don’t feel our friendship is two way. I feel that I an doing all of the giving and supporting and that my feelings aren’t important. Sometimes he will get irritated, but then call up to apologize. I can’t just back away because I am feeling too much pain. I don’t know what to do. Can we be friends….truly? Does he care about me. He seems to want to know how I am feeling, doing, etc. He knows I travel extensively for my job but always reaches out before every trip to tell me to have a safe trip and remembers where I am traveling to. My husband doesn’t even pay attention. What should I do? What is he wanting? If it were sex, he would have tried when we saw each other, right?

  • INTJ

    @IthinkI’mfallinghard- clearly your friend cares for you greatly and you do too, I’m no expert and I’m not sure I believe in love that lasts forever, but I would go for it

    Having siad that I have a few problems of my own that I hope someone will help me out with, in particular any male readers:

    In short I am developing feelings for my close friend and I’m not sure of his feelings.These are the issues:
    1)He is not the type that will tell his friends of any seroius feelings he has for a girl (he told me that himself) so I can’t rely on other sources for an indication.
    2) I may/may not have unconsciously rejected him already- having made him lunch one day he offered to “take care of dinner” so I started discussing ideas of what we could cook, only later did the possibility that he was asking me out for a dinner date occur to me. It also did not help that I said he was like a brother when talking to him about his friend- which brings me to a further issue
    3) that his best male friend had (possibly still has) feelings for me and he is all about the bro code- would you (male readers) make a move if you liked the girl?
    4) and we live in the same accodomation (him, his friend and I)

    3) wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for 4). Things could get messy. Still, I suggest you show your attraction to him (there are plenty of things you can do to show interest, such as complementing him on his attractiveness, flirting with him, and grabbing his arm). We guys aren’t good with subtlety, so make it obvious.

    Remember that for guys it isn’t enough to simply show interest in a girl. You have to actually ask her out and risk unpleasant rejection. Whereas a girl can signal interest and the guy doesn’t have to “reject” her. He just has to not reciprocate by asking her out.

  • INTJ

    By the way my post was addressed to Victoria #188. Still getting used to the html formatting for comments lol.

  • Tara

    @ Sad Girl – your story is my own, mine is so much like yours that I can feel and taste your confusion and pain. I think your man loves you, he just can’t say it. My story is similar, and like you, I am not sure. Your situation seems more clear to me than my own :) I would love to hear what happens next, I hope you post something here. Take care of yourself first, and the rest will follow

  • Sad girl

    Tara,
    I am still confused and feel as though I have to try hard for his friendship. Sometimes he is hot and other times not that attentive. He knows that he is important to me and that I care. I sense he cares but doesn’t say the words. When I saw him a few weeks ago, he later told me that he was surprised that I was so professional and that I didn’t make any moves on him. I would never do that in a business setting. I wanted to have drinks with him the night before but he couldn’t and instead met at Starbucks in the am. He still talks about sex and makes sexual innuendos. He’ll talk about he and I and then I think he gets nervous and talks about is perfect life. If it were perfect, why would he be going back and forth with me since August. I care very much for him and would really like to know where I stand. I would like to feel that I am important to him as well. I would love it if he made some sort of move.
    For your situation, I really believe this man cares for you and would like to make a move but is afraid especially if you have office politics in play. If you are senior to him in position, would either of you get into trouble. Do you think he knows you would like to move your relationship to the next level? Does he know you like him more than friends? Do you compliment him on his looks in addition to liking who he is as a person since men like it when women are physically attracted as well. Does he flirt? If he compliments you, how do you respond? I am very confident that he likes you more than a friend but doesn’t know what your response would be if he would make a move on you.

    He is 3 years younger than me and I am 45 but don’t look like it. He

  • Sad girl

    Sorry…finish my thought. My friend is 3 yrs younger. I am 45. He encouraged me to do a statewide pageant and I did well even though that is not my thing. He always makes comments like, I’ll bet you get attention wherever you travel. Honestly, that is not true and I keep to myself. I do not draw attention to myself. I travel because I have to for my job. He is one of my very best customers and I have made him a lot of money. He calls me his favorite and still contacts every day. His birthday is a week from Sunday and he loves good KY bourbon, should I mail him a bottle for his bday?

  • Tara

    Dear Sad Girl – We have so much in common, and your situation sounds like I could have written most of it myself. Similarities include – we are both in love with a man who may or may not love us back, the circumstances are not really normal, and we both want answers. I would love to talk to you some more. You can reach me at iamtaraj@gmail.com …… please email and I will respond in detail to your posts above. I just made this email address to protect my privacy. I hope to continue this conversation.
    p.s. send him the bottle of bourbon for his birthday. just keep the note light and make him wish he were sharing it with you

  • Carla

    Hi, I have a slightly perplexing story to relate, and I’m hoping you might be able to help me shed some light on it.

    I have a male friend who I used to share a flat with along with two other people, when we were both students. Out of the four of us, who lived together for a year, he and I are the only ones who still live in the same city and have properly kept in touch with each other. We have known each other for two and a half years, and have quite similar tastes.

    When we were flatmates, I sometimes sensed there might be something between us, but didn’t want to act on it in case it spoiled our friendship. Our favourite thing to do together was going to the cinema, and either there, or even if we were just watching a film together in the living room, I would often feel this tension between us.

    He has always been there for me, listening, and considering what I have to say. I know he listens, because sometimes he tells me weeks later that something I said changed his mind about something or really made him think about the subject. He is a scientist and quite a serious, literal guy. But, he also has a great sense of humour and is very laid back.

    Another thing that held me back from wanting to be more than friends with him, was the way he has always prided himself on being able to hook up with girls from other countries, who had often not long arrived in town. He used to tell me about them, and I would tease him about it. But recently when I’ve asked about any of them, he’s always quick to assure me that he didn’t sleep with ‘that one’, and hints that he’s changed. He also told me recently that he’s given up drinking, and is into keeping fit and healthy. He also told me last year that he is quite shy, and lacks confidence sometimes, which shocked me as he is one of the most charming, confident-seeming people I have ever met.

    He now has a well-paying full-time job, while I am still a student. So when we hang out, money isn’t such an issue for him as it used to be. A fact he’s understandably enjoying. One night last year, I thought we were going to a pub for a bar meal, and he suggested we go to a nice restaurant. When we went in, the waiter thought we were a couple, and my friend didn’t correct him (but then again, neither did I).

    We don’t hang out as often as we used to, because we both have very hectic schedules now, and we often go a few months between seeing each other. Then when we do, it’s usually because I’ve suggested it.
    But, then a week before my 30th birthday, in February this year, he called me out of the blue, offering to take me out for a meal that night as my birthday present. We walked around for ages, with him saying that he didn’t mind where we went. It was up to me. The meal was great (although he sat quite far away from me) and he told me all about how his brother had become engaged at Christmas time, and how shocked he and his parents were at the news.

    Then, during dessert, he completely threw me for six when he asked me why I didn’t have a boyfriend. I was so taken aback that I didn’t know what to say, so I told him not to ask such personal questions. He wouldn’t give in though, and said that I could have any guy I wanted. But when I tried to get him to expand on that, he wouldn’t. What I wanted to say, was that the only guy I wanted was right there and why couldn’t he see it?

    But then he sort of changed the subject, walked me home (which was hugely out of his way), and almost ran away when we reached my doorstep. I was really disappointed.
    Since then, I’ve only seen him once, later that month. We arranged to meet up one Sunday to see a film I like at the cinema, then we ended up spending the whole day together, just hanging out, since neither of us could bear to leave. (He made out that he just didn’t have anything else to do).

    In the last couple of months, he’s been dilligently ignoring me. (I’ve invited him to a few things, and he’s either not replied or said he’s too busy). I was a bit upset because I ran a half marathon last weekend and organised an event to raise money for my chosen charity, and he hadn’t said one word about it, not good luck or well done or anything.

    So, the other day, a bit frustrated and fed up with missing him, I sent him a message on facebook asking if he wanted to see a movie. I eventually got a message back starting with the words “Hey dude” (I’ve never heard him say dude to anyone, let alone me), and apologising for never replying, and that he hoped the disco went well.

    I think he’s keeping me at arm’s length because he likes me and I sense he got hurt once before, or ruined a friendship like ours. The problem is, if he keeps backing away this fast, there’s not going to be a friendship left.

    Perhaps I should have said something to him about it before now. But I had my heart broken by someone else a few years ago, and never fully recovered from it, so I’m not great at trusting people. Maybe I’m just seeing signs that aren’t there, but it would be nice to know where we stand so I can get out of this limbo ;o)

  • Anonymous

    Heya,

    Don’t normally ask for advice about boys but could really use some atm! I met this guy at my summer job last year. We clicked insanely quickly and pretty much became best friends. We talk and text on a continuous basis and tell each other everything. Even when college started back and we didn’t see each other as often we still talk everyday.

    A few months ago we had one of our now famous movie nights and he started asking me why I don’t like dating. My answer to that is that with my college course I’m kept pretty busy so don’t really have the flexibility to expect someone to work around my schedule to plan dates (well more like I haven’t met someone in a long time that I’ve liked enough to make the effort in my busy schedule). After hearing this, my mate went kinda quiet and then brought up the idea of friends with benefits. However, his understanding of fwb is simply kissing your mate as more intimate stuff should only be done when you’re in a relationship. Before I could answer he kissed me. Surprisingly this hasn’t made things weird between us and things carried on as normal except once in a while he will kiss me when we’re alone. All of my mates keep telling us that we should get together and that he clearly likes me. To be honest I do like him as more than a friend except he’s 19 years old and I’m 22 and I think that he would find it weird if I said anything about us being more than friends.
    I rarely find people I click with so well and really don’t want to mess up our friendship. Any opinions on this will be greatly appreciated!

  • Nicole

    I have a friend and we have even had sleepovers im 15 but he told me that even if he had a girlfriend (which at the time he doesnt) he said that i would be first even boefore her. Also he said the first time we fought for a minute over text that he doesn’t like fighting with me because he gets dpressed and me and him can’t hang out alone because it is all akward and quite and we can’t really look at eachother. Also whenever i look upset or depressed he asks if im okay.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com midnightlady1968

    well i meet this guy many years ago. we both worked at the same place. we both flirted like crazy then and we found our own little spot to take breaks at out behind the plant. he would sit and play the guitar and i would sing. i left the plant and we ran back into each other at a bar just a year later and have remained friends when we would see each other out but nothing major. well facebook come into play we found each other on there. so we started talking regular on there in Aug. of 2011 and have stayed in contact everyday sense then. he came down a time to two and hung out after that. well Feb,1st 2012 i asked him to a concert he gladly accepted and we went on the 7th. well ever sense then we have been spending alot of time together doing things him coming and hanging out with me and us doing things with my kids and eating supper meeting us out to eat and would spend the night & sleep on the couch. he would fill up my truck with gas and we still flirted back and forth some but not as much he & I have gotten real close & i have developed feelings for him. I told him how i felt about him that i liked him. he didn’t speak to me for a week which broke my heart i though i had lost my best friend & could kick myself. well he said he was going to the beach he needed time away. he texted me from the beach said he just wanted to be friends now and why would i want someone like him for. all he needed now was a friend. so that is what i remained being just a friend. well the following week he started coming back around & hanging out and eating supper with us and chilling out spending the night. one weekend he said lets go get something to drink and we gonna relax tonight so we did. we went got something come back and got ripped. it had been a long time sense we both drank anyway. not big on drinking. well another guy friend that drove in from Tenn brought us a truck for my son wind up having to crash at my place that night. kinda put a damper on things a bit but i let him crash in extra bedroom. my guy friend & I both on the couch his feet in my lap and me sitting up right both kinda semi passed out/fell asleep we were out. i fell over onto him and well then things started to rise… we both were feeling something but we both we scared at the same time. he was squirming & i was caressing. we both still clothed, eyes closed I THINK we both decided to stop at the same time afraid of ruining a friendship or not wanting to make out first time be when we were drunk. Plus this is after he told me he just needed a friend right now. well he got up from the couch went to my bedroom. me not knowing if he wanted me to follow him or if he was agitated. i stayed on the couch and was out. the next morning i went off with went my my girlfriends who is having a baby to pick up a crib. we were gone a good part of the day and he works sometimes 7 days a week so i let him sleep til we got back. i call prior to coming home i woke him up and when i walked in he was like how in the heck did i wind up in your bed. with a confused look on his face. I’m sure wondering in anything happened between us or not. i assured him nothing happened and i woke up on couch. but i stared to mess with him bad but didn’t… but i never told him what happened that night either. if i could remember i thought he could. so i left it as that. i am falling in love with him. what should i do? should i bring up that he and i got a bit frisky that night on the couch or let it be. i don’t want to keep this going on and be forever stuck in the friend zone. because he has confided in me alot about his past and bad things that has happened to him. he and i have shared alot of ourselves with each other but the sexual part. we connect on all levels. but i am scared he will run like heck if i make a move. help in Alabama….

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com midnightlady1968

    forgot to tell you he and I both have been married 2xs and i have 3 boys one is on his own 22 and the other 2 live with me ages 16 and 10 which he loves to death and they do him also. he even loves my dog. but yep a big but im 43 and he is 35 with no kids. :( yeah… sometimes that makes a huge difference…. and im a little bit over weight but he always tells me im just fine the way i am and nothing is wrong with me. and hes tiered of hearing me say im big. but oh well sometimes that matters… but i don’t wnat to read anything into this. I will always be there for him no matter what but need some outside advice. I have prayed and prayed that God to send me a good man whom im attracted to and would be good to me and my kids could this be him???

  • Ebele12

    Ive got a problem with this guy who I think is naturally just a vague guy. Ive been friends with him for sometime and we meet up at random times. We would be out of contact for months or even a year and occassionally meet up. We are so attracted to each other and are on the same wave length. Ive slept with him twice. First was a drunken thing, and I delibrately moved on because it was not a good place to start. Second time I arranged to catch up with him but we slept together again, we just can’t help it. I text him because I was to chicken to call and said ‘ Im just going to say it, we keep meeting randomly which I like. I think you know what Im going to say and I’ll let you finish it off, errrr..am I making sense, no I’m not x’. I was just delibratley being awkward. he replied ‘I dont think I understand, but I sort of do, im being vague ;-)’. Then he went on to talk about sports. What is with this guy, is he waiting for me to say lets just go on date and see if anything might materialise from it. I text back saying ‘you being vague too! interesting, i’ll leave it there x’ What do I do?

  • elgae

    i wonder what happend with confusedchocolatechip. I read her story just now and it’s almost three years. What happend to the two of them???? O.o

  • NK

    Urgh. I’ve been through this more than enough times.
    One guy I was ‘friends’ with wanted a casual relationship with me. He spent like 2 years cultivating a friendship for it to turn into a casual relationship. That is what pissed me off. I felt the fancy for him too and said lets give it a go….he was all but I’m not looking for anything serious…something casual.
    I wasn’t proposing marriage. We had a one and only good bye shag (which was awful) and now I don’t speak to him. Completely regrettable.
    Why spend all that time being mates just for a FWB? – its a lot of effort on his part. I’m sure my ego wasn’t happy at being seen as only good for FWB.
    sigh.

  • annonymous (Dec 2010)

    I’m back here to give an update on what I’ve posted 2 years ago.

    So I waited patiently for a year for him to give me an answer. He told me would decide on our future based on what’s best for me. I waited and waited.. I trusted him… thought he truely loved me.. but after a year… I can’t bear it anymore and finally confronted him about it. Only then did I find out that all along..he did not have the courage to ask his parents whether they would.accept me .. accept my differences. I was heart broken. I begged him to just ask them. If they won’t accept me then I’ll give up. At least we would’ve tried. But no.. he was too much of a coward to open his mouth. That was the end of us. The most hurtful part was that after a few months he went out with another girl that was in same situation as me (different cultural background and different belief). So he had the courage for her but not for me (he still haven’t asked his parents but he’s willing to give her a try). I hated him. I didn’t speak to him for months ..

    I’m over it and have truely moved on from that experience. I found myself a much nicer guy who knows how to cherish me and whom I can respect and trust. I’ve already forgiven him …since… afterall ….he was there for me for years ..

    I’m just back here to tell the story to let you all know that you shouldnt waste your time. Ask him if you like him and move on if he couldn’t love you back. I was mentally tortured for a year . Looking back now I wish I had given him an ultimatum earlier. Hope you all learned from my experience.

  • braveheart

    i attend college and i started talking to
    this guy as a friend. that’s all i expected
    from it, but now.. it’s grown into more. he gave me four different ways to contact him n told
    me that i could contact him for
    anything and he’ll get to it when he can. he’s a
    bit shy but i’ve noticed that over time we
    talk more, and we’ve grown to trust each
    other, we tell each other things that we
    dont tell to anyone else.
    Now we act like a couple. he’s christian , and so am i so we are taking
    things slow. he goes to church and he
    was raised the right way, how to treat
    women, etc.
    we have a lot of the same classes
    together for the next year and a half,
    maybe more. he was even excited when
    we compared schedules. at school its no
    big secret that we can’t seem to stay
    away from each other for long… even
    the professors have taken notice! :)
    we’re always together hanging out talking,
    doing something, and i always have him
    laughing and smiling when we do spend
    time together. other times when we have
    our space, he’s just focused on his work,
    and seems to be a little stressed. He
    opens the door for me, walked me to
    lunch, bought me lunch, drinks, etc.
    gotten my jacket for me when i was cold,
    spent a lot of nights together talking and
    we laugh together and have a good time.
    he does these things for me even though
    he knows that i can take care of myself,
    but i let him do it sometimes so he can
    feel even more like a man. he respects
    me, and he always treats me differently
    than other people. he isnt ashamed of me
    in public or anywhere, he seeks out time
    to spend with me more than often, he’s
    seen me at my worst, and at my best and
    it doesn’t faze him, he still has stuck
    around and keeps coming back for more
    time to spend with me.
    so far i’ve learned some of his likes,and
    about his family, and talks about the
    future. when i realized that i was feeling
    more than friendly feelings for him, i kept
    it a secret so i could wait for the right time
    to tell him. but i think he beat me to it! i
    figured well, i might as well admit how i
    feel right along with that and i did. the
    next class after he was very responsive to
    it in a POSITIVE way.
    he started getting closer, keeping an eye
    out for me more. when we’re around
    each other we’ve got stars in our eyes,
    we’ve even become comfortable getting
    closer to each other than we normally
    did. he will touch me and rub my back a
    little and in other ways but not
    inappropriately.
    he will sit next to me facing me and stay
    with me talking almost the whole night of
    class. he surprises me out of nowhere to
    share new things with me, art, music etc.
    he listens to me when we talk, he asks a
    lot of questions about my life, hobbies,
    my job, etc. and i do the same with him.
    neither him nor i talk about any other
    guys/girls. just us. a couple of months
    ago, i heard him say he wasnt ready for a
    girlfriend, but i think that was before he
    asked me how i felt about him.
    i noticed something different just the
    other night in class, when three guests
    came in for an interview.
    he kept his eye on me the whole night
    while they were there. and he also made
    sure to stay close by me too the whole
    night. when we were on a short break
    from filming, and i was rewinding the
    footage and playing it back, all three of
    the guys rushed to my chair to see it, and
    i saw my crush looking dead at me the
    whole time until they left.
    i was completely cool with it, and i used
    that opportunity to show him that he
    could trust me even more.
    i treated them like normal people. no
    funny business. when he was watching
    them stand around me, it was more like a
    checking up on me and making sure
    neither guy gets out of line with me –
    kinda thing. when these guys got ready to
    leave and everyone was saying their
    goodbyes, he went on the other side of
    the room where i was and watched them
    as they left.
    he was a complete gentlemen to me as
    he always is.

    so as everything was flowing well, things came to a halt about two and a half months ago. hes always nervous around me, but this time was very different. I talked to him for a few minutes, and afterwards he was in such a hurry to get away from me. and it made me feel rejected. he then started talking to everyone in class except me. ignoring me, but occassionally look at me when my focus is elsewhere. then hecstarted talking to this girl who has a boyfriend n it made my BLOOD BOIL LIKE A VOLCANO READY TO ERUPT THE ENTIRE WORLD. But I tried to keep my cool. I started showing it n he seemed to notice a lil. he never flirted with her but it still bothered me. the part that bugs me is I was coming back to class from outside and everyone thought she was comibg back in, n he immediatly sat up n turned around n when he saw it was me he looked at me n paused for a second n turned his complete back to me. that hurt. in fact for most of the class he did that even with group discussions. but when I had a chance to stnd net to him during prsentstions I didn’t. I figured he hated me because he’s been stying away from me since it started awhile back. n the reaction on his face was shocking. he noticed n seemed surprised that I distanced myself from him. I just hate thst I have no clue what’s going on. he vdoesnt even likevto talk much unless vi get him alone. he only payscattention to me now if I raise my voic in classs n take more initiative which is what I respect but something feels off. n then it hit me. from the looks of it it looked like he had his own personal issues to work out. I have no clue what those are but I got a gut feeling. schools starting back soon n I’m nervous about how hell act from here on out. is any if this worth it? do u think he likes me? why are weird things going on? *sigh*

    please help SUSAN. got a shy one on my hands. hard to read……

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @braveheart

      Ask him! Stop all of this analyzing and sleuthing and just ask him why he has changed towards you. You’ll get an answer, and then you’ll know. If he wants to spend time together he’ll say so.

  • LindsayP

    This page is exactly what ive been searching for! Hope you can provide so e insight!

    I have a very close guy friend who I have know for 15 plus years since high school. He is such a quality guy and a great friend to me – always has been. Recently in the last 6 months we have started talking more and hanging out. We live about 4 hours away from each other but manage to hang out every coup,e months.

    We have a very close relationship and recently our conversations have progressed much deeper. We subtly ask each others opinion on marriage, kids, relationships and a bunch of silly things! We have been sleeping in the same bed when I’m visiting and while i am affectionate with him outside the bedroom we are not progressing to a deeper connection romantically. He makes plans for us when I’m in town and is always concerned for my well being.

    We have the same core group of friends still and I have always loved him as a friend. Now I find myself thinking I could fall in love with him.

    He is a very strong constant in my life. I feel like he must know how I’m feeling. Yet he doesn’t shy away from me. I feel very much like we are in a relationship when we are together – just minus the intimacy.

    I know he is a traditional sort of guy who would want to make the move but I’m at a loss for what do next? Just keep being patient and hope that he does it? I don’t want to appear needy or desperate for this so I’m giving it some distance. He is an amazing person and while I’d like to see if this is something more I’m also terrified to lose one of my best friends. I know he cares deeply for me and yet I’m not sure why we can’t get to the next level. Our last times together have been a lot more intimate without doing anything sexually.

    Would love your thoughts!!!!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @LindsayP

      I’d give it more time, let him take the lead. Don’t distance yourself or make a sudden change – he’ll take that as a sign you’re trying to cool things off. If at any point he starts talking about other girls he’s interested in, move on. That would confirm he sees you only as a friend.

  • ummm help

    Well my story is nothing compare to all of yours but yeah
    I like this guy but I found out that he has a gf then she broke up with him later I didn’t know that but I moved on cause I thought it just going to break my heart
    He is really nice sweet quite and caring :)
    Well I started talking to again
    We got really close in 2 weeks I talked to him everyday. 6am in morning to 11 at night.
    He always compliment on every thing. Like I have a beautiful body and stuff
    But the only thing is that he is still in love with his ex he says that she made him who he is now .
    Always talk about her . She moved on and already have a bf but he just can’t.
    One day he said hw dreamed of me (in a dirty way ) he liked it every much.
    We went to a party and I was sitting there and he came and sat next to me then everyone started talking about us and started asking if we were going out but we are like best friends. I think I have no feeling for him that way but people think he does cause he was bright red when people ask him if we were going out .
    But today we talked like nothing changed between us.
    I don’t know what to do help

  • MM

    we’ve been friends for about 6 years with our ups and downs, like 3 years ago he told me he liked me and that he was in love with me I didn’t know how I felt so nothing but holding hands and hugging happened.
    We went to a party and end up making out he asked me why i never said i liked him back, the things he like about me, the fun moments we spent together… next day he texted me and asked what i thought about what happened told him i was sorry cus we were drunk that i liked him and were worried about how we were going to get alone he said he felt the same way and that we had to go out and talk cus he didn’t want to ruin things.
    had been taxting since then, we saw 2 weeks after and kissed but not talked, still texting but less frequently.
    I’m so confused cus idk what im expecting from this or what he does. Just dont wanna lose his friendship or thing to go weird.

  • Man

    My take on this subject: I take great offence when I perceive a female friend is treating me as a “gay friend” or for emotional support for her misadventures with jerks. Let’s face it: that’s what women usually do with “nice guys” who listen to them. And I think there is somethig sadistic in this aspect.

    So I have had only one true platonic friendship with a woman. And I still like her. But it’s because she is very smart, feminine, never complained about men or about her husband to me and, most importantly, she gave me some emotional support when I most needed.

    But I am afraid that most young women just treat male friends as “eunuchs” or “gay friends”, for emotional support while they’re fucking with jerks. So if you’re a man and you’re in the friendzone giving emotional support, fuck off as soon as possible. And you’d better also severe all ties with her, because a woman like that doesn’t deserve any man’s friendship. They just treat male friends as craps. If you’re the one receiving emotional support, then it’s OK to my mind, but very rare too.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      But I am afraid that most young women just treat male friends as “eunuchs” or “gay friends”, for emotional support while they’re fucking with jerks. So if you’re a man and you’re in the friendzone giving emotional support, fuck off as soon as possible. And you’d better also severe all ties with her, because a woman like that doesn’t deserve any man’s friendship.

      +1

  • NurseGirl

    I am having a hard time reading my best guy friend. We are both single, met through our best friends 5 1/2 months ago. We have an emotional connection, every other weekend we go to our friends’ house and hang out in a group setting, always he and I together. We go on weekend trips, again with our best friends (which by the way are a married couple). We hold hands, he always stares at me, we talk and laugh for hours upon hours, he texts me daily(although I tend to initiate it with a good morning and end with good night), we just started kissing the last four times we’ve been together and OMG the passion that’s there is off the chain, we have NOT had sex although we sleep together every time we see each other….we only snuggle and now kissing is added. The problem is he tells me we are JUST friends….that I want more. He compliments me, says Im beautiful, smart, loves my insights and knowledge, says Im perfect relationship material, but that we are only friends and that he’s sorry for kissing me. However, come this past weekend, we were all over each other, kissing, because we really want it that way. So, should I be patient and let things continue developing on this slow road or is this a sign he’s not in to me? We have never gone out alone. However, tomorrow Im meeting him at lunch. It was his idea as I had to bring him something. He also called me for the first time today….we always text. I really have fallen for him but I’ve been divorced as he has and not really wanting to be hurt plus I have kids to think about. I swear….if you could see how his gorgeous eyes stare at me with his beautiful smiling face, you’d even think he’s in denial about this whole “Im not trying to hurt your feelings…we are just friends!” Oh yeah, when we drink a little too much, he has started as of last weekend, telling me he loves me over and over. I am thinking this is just in a friend way and definitely not putting stock into intoxicated words lol Thanks for any advice!!!

  • Plain Jain

    “Is Your Best Guy Friend Thinking of You With His Right Hand?”

    If he is, cut off his right hand.

    There. Problem solved.

  • Tara

    Ok … its been over a year since I left my last post on March 31, 2012. I am still in love with my best friend, and we still spend time together. Our conversations have gotten deeper, but we have no physical relationship other than the occasional hug. I am still 10 years older than him, he still makes me a priority in his life, and he is still not dating anyone else. How do I break out of this pattern and move to the next step? His actions say that he cares about me, but I don’t know if he wants more than just a great friendship. I cant think he’d want an older woman like me, but then again, he is always there. Anyone have any advice? Whatever I do, I don’t want him out of my life

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Tara

      Talk to him! Ask him outright how he feels about you! I know that’s probably a terrifying prospect, but at least you’ll know. How many years are you willing to wait?

  • Nurse girl

    Susan, I need your enlightenment please lol Thank you so much! Never thought being 37 would be harder than being 17! It’s all exciting tho. I really like this guy. He did say I looked nice yesterday :) and he said while in New Orleans back in March that if we weren’t married in ten years, we would. Ugh! The dream of that!!! ;) Thanks! My original post is above ;)

  • Tara

    Thanks, Susan. I have talked to him, and words aren’t guiding me/us. He states that the friend zone is where he wants to be, but his actions speak otherwise. Its difficult to figure out if his actions OR his words are most genuine.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      He states that the friend zone is where he wants to be, but his actions speak otherwise. Its difficult to figure out if his actions OR his words are most genuine.

      Uh oh. Always believe a man when he says what he wants. He’s getting a ton from you without commitment – company, emotional support and intimacy, etc. You should move on and find someone who does not relegate you to the friend zone. Seriously.

  • mr. wavevector

    @ Susan,

    I’m one of those cynics who thinks it is really, really difficult for guys and girls to maintain platonic friendships.

    I don’t really buy that guys put real time and effort into cultivating platonic friendships with women. They only do that with women they hope to hook up with.

    I agree with the first statement, and not with the second.

    I’ve definitely initiated platonic friendships with women. I do so because I see we have a shared interest and I want a friend to engage in that activity with. Sometimes it’s been work, sometimes a hobby.

    But I also find it can be damn hard to keep a platonic friendship platonic. If there’s a strong shared interest, often there are other compatibilities too, and that can spark romantic or sexual interest on one or both sides. As a result, my platonic friendships with women tend to be fairly short lived – at some point one or the other has to pull out before things go to far.

    For example, if you were in my social group, I would seek you out to talk about gender and dating and mating, because I’m interested in that and so are you. But we might find we like each other, and crushes might ensue. I wouldn’t have approached you with the desire to get you naked, but it may end up that way!

  • tatelangdonlove

    I know this is an old post, but I might as well post my own situation because I’d like to hear people’s opinions.

    I’m in grad school, which really isn’t conducive to starting relationships since I’m so busy in lab. Alas, I’m the only single girl in all my social circles, and I’ve kinda resigned myself to the fact that my dating drought will continue despite my friends always telling me “your time will come” and “it happens when you’re not looking for anyone.” GRRR, I hate that. Anyway…

    This guy in my program and I suddenly became really close – I honestly don’t remember how it happened so fast. We texted all the time, late into the night, and we would have coffee/lunch together, just the two of us, whenever we could. We talked about everything with each other, and he opened up to me about some deeply personally things; he said I was his best friend in the program. We TA’ed the same class, and we would hang out in our office for hours, just playfully teasing each other and doing the eye contact thing. I thought he liked me, and my fellow TAs and other friends in the program definitely thought so (and multiple people had flat-out asked me if we were dating). Then I found out he had a long distance girlfriend he had conveniently neglected to tell me about, and that he had cheated on this girlfriend several times. Needless to say, I was livid because I felt totally duped about his true personality.

    Unfortunately, because I’m an idiot who tries to give people the benefit of the doubt even when they don’t deserve it, I decided to still be friends with him, and we got even closer. He would come over to my apartment, and we would just talk about anything and everything for hours. For example, I was pissed off about something, and was really rude to him over text, and he got worried enough that he came over to my apartment to see if I was okay right after driving multiple hours from seeing his GF that weekend. He once came over to watch a rerun of a scary TV show with me at 1 o’clock AM because I was too scared to be by myself after I watched it alone a few hours before. Lights off, just us, late at night. Nothing sexual ever happened, but I knew it wouldn’t look good to his girlfriend.

    So here is the kicker – he would repeatedly tell me he didn’t see me “that way.” One time when we were drunk, he texted me saying he wanted to have sex with me, and I was like, you keep saying you don’t see me that way, which is it? And the next day he was like, sorry, I was drunk, I really don’t see you that way, I’m sorry for giving you mixed signals. (And another time he “jokingly” asked for “pictures,” and I again called him out on being contradictory.) Quite frankly, I ascribe more weight to people’s actions because people say whatever they want and they lie to hide their true feelings. So he was acting like he liked me even though he would say he didn’t. And all my friends said that he did like me, and him telling me otherwise was trying to mask his real feelings. They said that he would overstep a boundary with me, feel bad about it since he had a GF, and try to backpedal by saying he didn’t see me that way.

    It all came to a head one day – he was ignoring me and being pissy because I didn’t show up to a class he was teaching that day. I was tired from dealing with some major problems with my students, so I slept in. Well, he got inordinately mad at me, and gave me the cold shoulder (how juvenile can you be?!). I got really upset by it, and started crying, and he didn’t do anything! He later said that he just didn’t deal well with girls crying, which is straight-up bullshit. I told him if he didn’t stop being a bitch and come talk about this like grownups, I was leaving. He blew me off, still ignoring me despite me being obviously very upset, and so I left. When he finally texted me asking where I was, I blew up at him – all the pent-up anger and confusion and hurt from the past months just came rushing out. I told him that you don’t treat friends like that, and that I was sick of being strung along. I told him that he couldn’t play with my feelings anymore, and that we couldn’t be friends unless it was on my terms now. After crying for that whole weekend (my birthday weekend no less), he texted me saying that he was really sorry. I told him that he had to give me a lot of time away from him, and that he would have to follow my lead in our interactions together, and he agreed to that. However, I basically cut off all contact with him – I never text or hang out with him anymore, and thankfully our labs are not on campus, so I hardly ever see him. We just hung out in a group this past week, and thankfully it was fine.

    So I guess my question is: what the hell was going through his mind? Did he ever like me, or was I deluding myself? Or did he just get off on getting my attention (you know, like I’m such a man because I have a GF and this other girl who likes me on the side)? Was I only a convenient ego boost? I know I did the right thing by cutting him off, but it’s hard to stay strong like that and there are instances where I miss the good times and conversations we had.

  • Fish

    @Tate
    It depends. It sounds like he enjoyed your company but you were definitely friend zoned. I believe most males have a different version of friend zone than most females. With females, they look at the guy like someone who is either gay or not a guy. Guys look at women in the friend zone as not relationship worthy, but maybe worth sleeping with depending. Guys are in general a lot more focused on looks so a girl who isn’t at the level a guy wants will most likely not become more attractive through prolonged exposure unless she has been “upping her girl game”.

    Not saying that’s 100% the case, but that’s my best bet…

  • tatelangdonlove

    I’ve been described as pretty – people tell me I look like Tina Fey – so it’s not like I’m some ogre and quite frankly, he isn’t a 10 on the looks scale either. I’m not very feminine, or at least I’m bad at being feminine/girly/flirting, so maybe that was the problem. Anyway, he would have been a godawful boyfriend anyway considering he’s a serial cheater, so in the end, I dodged a bullet and was strong enough to cut him out of my life.

  • Tara

    Is it possible to get out of the Friend Zone? If so, how does a gal do so?

  • Tara

    Once a girl is in the Friend Zone, and has been there for a couple years, is there any possibility of getting out and having the look at her in a whole new way? If so, how?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Tara

      Once a girl is in the Friend Zone, and has been there for a couple years, is there any possibility of getting out and having the look at her in a whole new way? If so, how?

      I suppose lightning can strike, but I’ve never heard of it. You’re much better off finding someone else who isn’t ambivalent or disinterested.

  • Ashton

    @Sara
    So what constitutes “friend zone” as opposed to taking things slowly in order for them to develop? My best friend is a guy. Known him for 6 months. We hang out every other weekend, in a group setting. Never been on a date but when we meet at get togethers, we go off on our own. Have slept together more times than I can count, but we only snuggle, hold hands, and kiss. Never sex…yeah hands wander, but never sex. He tells me his dreams, intimate thoughts, how his day was, we text daily even if just to say good morning or good night, we pair off when we are in group settings, he met my oldest daughter and attended her 18th bday party. He says he wants to enjoy our time together, as friends, no drama, no more. And to let life and God lead us to where we need to be. He stares at me, smiling, always praises my accomplishments, tells me I’m beautiful, etc. he sees nobody else, and I’ve dated here and there but still nothing else for me either. So I need your intake please. Thank you!!!

  • Ashton

    Oops that was @ Susan not Sara…long day sorry

  • david

    I’m digging up an old post here but had to comment.

    I’ve had a platonic friendship with a girl for about 7 years. I once dated her best friend, after which she stopped speaking to her best friend. I told myself then that the friendship could never be 100% platonic, there will always be elements of jealousy between us – when she gets with a guy, or I with a girl.

    For the first time in a while we are both single, and seeing a lot more of each other. We haven’t kissed, but we flirt, touch and watch porn together (ha!). It’s like we’re both too afraid to take it to the next step, but the thought is out there. Whether just by me, just her or us both. It’s there, floating around in every meet-up, drink and phone conversation.

    I’d say it’s a shame that many people fear ruining the friendship for want of something more. Granted, I wouldn’t risk it for a quick frisk under the covers, but I would risk it for a long-lasting gf/bf relationship. After all, your partner should also be your best friend.

    There’s something romantic too, about one day realizing that the person you want to be with most has been sitting right next to you since childhood. You have a bond that is impossible to build with someone you meet later on in life.

    I do hope something does happen between us, because I’d hate to live life thinking what if.

  • mariah

    well i sure as hell am thinking of him with BOTH hands.
    and a few toys…