How to Get What You Want By Giving It Away First
I need love, love
To ease my mind
I need to find, find someone to call mine
But mama said
You can’t hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don’t come easy
It’s a game of give and take
Diana Ross and the Supremes, 1966
In the most basic terms, a human relationship is a connection or attachment to another person. For connection to occur, both separate entities have to touch, and be touched, in some way. Interaction isn’t enough; there has to be something real that is born of the interaction. Making something real involves a process of give and take. If both people give, then both receive. When that happens, an attachment is formed. Building and nurturing a relationship requires many such small attachments. Ultimately, all that connectedness serves as the foundation of trust and love.
Sometimes two people are involved with each other, but they’re not really connected. They are not being touched, at least not in the ways that sustain us. They are engaging in a process of take and take, in an effort to gain the upper hand and prevent heartbreak. It’s the relationship equivalent of having a conversation where both people are waiting impatiently for the other to say their piece so that they may jump back in and make what they think is the essential point. They want to be heard and understood. That’s natural and understandable. But if we’re just talking at each other, we leave the conversation unenlightened and more entrenched in our own position. We have made our own needs the priority over someone else’s, but we’ve lost something as a result. We’re less connected. We didn’t attach. We’re lonely.
It’s easy to focus on taking what we can from relationships when they feel so temporary. In a hookup, we want to have good sex. That means getting off. Getting the other person off is a bonus, especially because they may talk about the hookup to their friends, but mostly hooking up is about feeling desired, powerful and sexual. It’s about fulfilling our own needs. Sometimes there is a wish to connect as well, and if both parties feel it, a relationship can develop, although that can seem as likely as a phoenix rising from the ashes.
To have a successful relationship, there’s a whole lot of stuff you have to give up:
Independence
You need to consider someone else’s feelings when you make choices. No longer being a free agent means that you become responsible for their happiness, at least in part.
Security
You can get kicked to the curb at any time. The person you love may find someone they like better than you. They may get bored. You might not be able to hold on to them.
Time
You’ll be making room for another person. A time-consuming person who wants to share your life, and that means hearing from you and seeing you on a regular basis.
Pride
You reveal your vulnerability. You give someone the power to hurt you. You trust them not to.
Control
You stop trying to gain an advantage. You are not concerned with being the least interested party.
In contrast, relationships that are based on “take and take” are characterized by:
Domination
You struggle to maintain the upper hand. You are forced to pretend indifference at times to hold your position.
Competing for Advantage
You consistently assert your independence, implying a threat to walk away from the relationship if you are opposed.
Insecurity
You never really know how the other person feels, because communication tends to be guarded. You are likely to feel jealous and threatened, and will often strike at the other person to prompt the reassurance that you are still the object of affection.
Defensiveness
You are uncomfortable with your own behavior, but find it necessary to constantly defend your actions.
Diminishment
Both parties feel unloved, even when they do, in fact, love each other.
Many people in relationships today are connected to each other in upsetting and destructive ways. I don’t think that’s what they really want. I don’t think that’s what any of us really want. We seek a connection, but can’t stop strategizing and maneuvering long enough to form an attachment.
Someone has to dive off the cliff. If you are fortunate enough to be swept off your feet by someone who is willing to take the enormous risk of laying it on the line, then you can jump off that cliff holding hands with someone who loves you. But most of us have to take that leap alone. You have to give without thinking of what you’ll get in return. You have to be all the things you want in a partner. True and loyal and unconditionally present. Yeah, you’ll probably get your ass kicked. Several times. You’ll put yourself out there time and again, hoping for something real to hold onto. You’ll make connections, but they won’t develop into attachments. Sometimes you’ll be the only one really giving. Giving of yourself unconditionally is really, really hard. But it’s honest, and it’s real. Our relationships are all we really have in this life that matters.
I’m not suggesting that you give and give to someone who can only take. If you give generously of yourself and your gift is not warmly welcomed, you need to cut your losses. Stop giving to takers. Keep looking for fellow givers.
Live your life with generosity, giving as much of yourself as you can. That is the real way to someone’s heart. And it’s the only way to feed your own.
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I really, really needed to read this today. I'm printing it out so that I can read it over and over again.
“If you give generously of yourself and your gift is not warmly welcomed, you need to cut your losses. Stop giving to takers. Keep looking for fellow givers.”
AMEN.
I think I may have needed this story today too. I'm a very much a giver and though I'm not really giving in this currently very one sided relationship I can't help but think I am such an ego boost. Aw well… I keep coming up with reason to email this guy and the reasons are very valid as they are career related I just can't do it. I just get sucked back into think that if he responds it means that he wants to be at least friends. Still working on the letting go and still not sure why I liked him so much and still do.
Thanks, Rita, I'm glad it hit the mark. I really do think this is a crucial point. So often we give and give, and get nothing in return. That just means we're giving of ourselves to the wrong person. An unworthy recipient. The good news is, those red flags of warning are usually fairly obvious from the beginning – we just need to pay attention to the signs and be honest with ourselves.
Hey, Meg. It is very difficult for us to make an honest, objective assessment of where we stand sometimes. I would ask you, is contacting this guy really a help to you in your career at this point? Or are you finding that a convenient excuse for staying in touch? And if he wants to be at least friends? What's so great about that? It seems like too little too late, I don't think you need to settle for that. I encourage you to let go so that you can open yourself up completely to the possibility of something better.
That description about successful relationships was very beautiful. My parents marriage has gone downhill pretty badly lately, which was making me scared to death about commitment. But you make it sound so… natural. After reading this I felt kind of soothed. You reminded me that I'm not the kind of person who lives in fear. I'm a cliff diver!
I hope you have a nice weekend!
Your little gray sheep
Oh, morning glory, I am so happy that you see yourself as a cliff diver! Me too. It is really, really hard when we see our parents unhappy together. The divorce rate is actually a pretty big factor is explaining why hooking up is preferable for so many young people – like you, they are wary of commitment and don't trust in living “happily ever after.” But we all want love in the end. I really do believe it's the only thing that matters. So keep taking chances!
P.S. My little sheep, you have redeemed yourself, and are now once again as white as snow.
In a way I feel I am going through this “constantly giving” situation now but I'm not sure. I (a man) am beginning to recoginze a familiar situation with a girl I really want a relationship with and having emotionally invested myself in past hook ups that were with “takers”, the signs are there. It's tough to decide when to say “look, you don't like me in the way that I like you so I think I need to let this go so I can move on.”
I just wanted to say thanks for this article because seeing my situation from an outside perspective gives me some degree of clarity. I'm dumb enough to hope my situation works out (and WOW do I hope it works out!), but I am smart enough to see a potential broken heart coming. Too bad the heart doesn't listen to the brain too often eh!?
Tony, I really, really appreciate your leaving such an honest comment. What is really great about your approach to this relationship is that you are taking the risk. You know you may get hurt, but you are hanging in there, hopeful. Sometimes the hardest thing is walking the fine line between giving and needy. So yes, be giving and genuine. But also keep pace with her – don't try giving more and more if she is not receptive. You are all about this girl right now, but if you come to believe she really is a taker, then you'll see that she is not worthy of you. I hope she comes to her senses quickly – you sound like a catch!
I am not sure but I think that my “taking the risk” by saying exactly how I am feeling to the girl is what is sabotaging my relationships. It's really frustrating because I've done the hook-up route where you say nothing, hook up for a while, lose interest and then awkwardly find a way out of it because as you stated, girls are more emotionally invested in a hook up…..but I'm over that entire scene. (not that I don't love hooking up, just at 34 years old I've had that brand of fun and it's hollow) It seems like I'm waiting to find awesome girls, building the foundations of a solid relationship and then getting straight dissed when I say what I'm feeling.
I used to figure that I was being honest and letting the girl know how much she meant to me but now I'm thinking I gotta keep my my mouth shut or I'm just shooting myself in the foot! I must be either a) freaking them out too early on or b) they just aren't that into me. (great movie by the way! I was one of 3 guys in the theater and we were laughing just as hard as the ladies!)
Well, none of us wants to play games, but we are all subject to feelings of “I don't want to be part of any club that will have me as a member.” It's human nature to value more highly what is more difficult to get. I'm not suggesting you play hard to get. But yes, there is a way to bide your time, revealing your feelings in sync with hers. Don't jump ahead of her, or she won't be able to catch up. And she won't want to. You can indicate interest and growing affection without diving off that cliff so soon.
Also, Tony, I wonder how old these women are? If you are 34, and you are looking for something real, I can guarantee that there are many, many women between the ages of say, 28 and 34 that are looking for something real. You need to date women who are in the same emotional place that you are.
The girl I am into turns 31 in two weeks, I'm not out there being the sketchy older dude at the bar trying to get 25 year old girls. The girls I have dated have always been appropriate for my age group yet none of them seem to be “in the same emotional place.” oh well, keep trying right!?
okay, enough complaining out of me! I mostly just wanted to say that I enjoyed the article!
OK, Tony, I didn't mean to suggest you were being sketchy…Thanks for sharing, I hope you'll check back again and read some other posts. In the meantime, I stand by my original call: You're a catch for the right woman. So definitely keep trying, and don't change!
OK, Tony, I didn't mean to suggest you were being sketchy…Thanks for sharing, I hope you'll check back again and read some other posts. In the meantime, I stand by my original call: You're a catch for the right woman. So definitely keep trying, and don't change!