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How to Blow His Mind in Bed

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Yeah, I know this sounds like a tawdry Cosmo article with stupid sex tips, but I figured it would grab your attention. I found it straightforward and informative, always a plus when it comes to sex talk. Sandra Prior is a Brit – I don’t know what it is about the UK these days, but they’re sexy as hell over there.

I’m off at the beach this week, but I’ll be checking in occasionally, and I’ll try to post a couple more times. xoxo


What Men Want in Bed

by: Sandra Prior 

What exactly do men want in bed, what do women not do enough of, and what do women think feels good for guys that guys don’t particularly enjoy?

Here are the short answers: blow jobs, blow jobs and cuddling. Next story, please….

Before you think I’m kidding about, let me assure you that virtually every man I spoke to not only agreed with this answer but usually pre-empted it (almost word for word on occasion).

Everyone mentioned oral sex at some point, while ‘cuddling’ and ‘post-coital banter’ also frequently came up. In time, other points also arose and once I’d filtered out the sheer unfeasible male fantasies – daily threesomes and so on – some common themes began to emerge.

I. Getting Started

First things first. Men love sex – we all know this – but men want you to love having sex too. After all, if men do have one insecurity it’s a concern about their sexual prowess and whether or not they satisfy you, so make sure your man knows that he blows your mind. You don’t need to reassure him every day, but throw it in there occasionally, as he’s going down on you, in a text message out of the blue, after you’ve just shagged each other’s brains out.

And show him. Traditionally men initiate sex. It’s an extension of their hunter role and they’re cool with that most of the time but nothing makes a guy happier than your unexpected hand down his pants or a soft word in his ear as you tell him how much you’ve been aching for him all day. Whether it’s initiating sex days in advance (‘I’m dying for a dirty weekend away’) or before you get up in the morning (he won’t mind if you wake him, really), he’ll be a happier guy for it.

A word of warning: avoid promising sex and then not following through. Your man may be forgetful at times but when it comes to scheduled booty appointments he’s got the memory of an elephant. A randy elephant.

II. First Impressions

Lingerie is good. You may not always think so when your expensive bra ends up in a corner 10 seconds after he’s got your top off, but it is. So splash out. If you’re worried about getting your money’s worth make sure he knows what you’ve got on beforehand – and tell him at a particularly inappropriate moment. Or, better yet, give him a glimpse. If you’re not sure what he likes, ask. Some guys like skimpy G-strings and nothing else; others want the whole shebang. Shopping for lingerie is also a turn-on.

When he gets you home and into the bedroom, check your body-conscious issues at the door. One of the reasons your man is going out with you is that he thinks you’re hot. He wants to have sex with you. Stressing about your imaginary fat roll or a teeny bit of cellulite is not particularly attractive – and, besides, he’s focusing on your good points, not your bad points.

When those lacy panties do finally come off it’s time to follow the Americans’ lead … Bush is out and it’s unanimous: guys prefer well-groomed pussies. The ‘bald eagle’ is a common request, though it’s not always necessary. The basic smooth-down-below/trimmed-on-top will exponentially increase your chances of your man going down on you.

A rather obvious-sounding note that seems necessary to add, given the stories out there: when it comes to ‘feminine hygiene’, do not shirk.

III. Getting Down

Toys, oils, mutual masturbation, masturbating while he watches, dirty talk of varying levels…. Obviously it’s different strokes for different strokes (as it were) but these are all common foreplay (and sex) requests. Interestingly, there were no complaints about spending too much time on foreplay. Guys are like women in this respect: they like to mix up longer and shorter sex sessions with the odd quickie here and there – just as long as you remember that guys are penis focused, which is to say that your man can handle an hour of foreplay just fine as long as you acknowledge his penis at regular intervals.

Touching, stroking, caressing, licking – the options to spice up your massage or tickle or striptease are numerous. Even let him enter you briefly before carrying on with what you were doing. As long as you keep returning to his penis you can tease him all night – and he’ll be sure to return the favor.

IV. Blowing His Mind

The foreplay rule applies on a smaller scale when you’re going down on him: by all means prolong a blow job by paying attention to his stomach, thighs, balls and the base of his shaft – you’ll drive him up the wall – but break it up with increasingly drawn-out visits to the head of his penis, where his pleasure receptors are focused.

We’re getting ahead of ourselves here, however. The thing to remember when it comes to blow jobs is – as we established earlier – more, more, more. It’s a cliche because it’s true: guys can’t get enough oral sex. Exact technique is something you can work out with your man. All you need to remember for the time being is to avoid using your teeth – even as a joke (it’s just not funny, I’m afraid) – and then do it as often as possible. Wake him up with a blow job, put him to sleep with a blow job. On the couch, in the car, unexpected, pre-planned, 69er…. You get maximum points every time.

V. The Home Run

If you’ve had any combination of the above advice going by the time you get to the actual sex, you’re going to end up with a very satisfied man no matter what you do at this point. But, for a 100% effort, you can always go the extra mile.

Try out different positions. Get out of the bedroom. Scream when it’s really good – or at least gasp loudly. Tell him you want to break a record (most times in a night, most times in an hour…). Try anal sex if you dare – although, again, they understand the reluctance, and they don’t want you fiddling with their out-holes, thanks very much. Find out what your man’s favorite position is – probably doggy – and initiate it more often.

And, finally, a couple of don’ts. Don’t get too scratchy on him; nails in the back are just annoying. And don’t fake your orgasm; just tell him you want to feel him come. He’ll get that it’s time to finish … which means it’s time for the dreaded cuddling….

Look, we don’t mind it that much but there’s something wonderfully somnolent about the male orgasm. It truly is the best sleeping pill invented. So just let him fall asleep, then you can cuddle right up to him all night.

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What do you think, ladies? Anything you’d like to add? Guys, did she get it right?

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  • http://savvysexperts.wordpress.com/ V

    good article. i like that she reassured the ladies that guys really do understand their reluctance when it comes to certain sexual frontiers. don't feel pressured to do something if you aren't comfortable with it. if your lover/bf/guy friend is compassionate he will understand.

    a caveat to number III: you cannot tease a guy indefinitely, even if you “acknowledge his penis at regular intervals”, masochists notwithstanding. erections can get really painful – blue balls anyone? – if they hang around too long without release. also the penis gets tender after orgasm/ejaculation. we know how awesome it is that you, ladies, don't have refractory periods, however, we do. if the session is to be continued, focus on other areas during this time. or let us rest.

    oh, i'm one of the rare guys who likes cuddling. no drooling, and we're good!

  • susanawalsh

    Thanks, V, those are good clarifications. One more word about stuff women aren't comfortable with: often it takes time for a woman to get comfortable with certain sexual practices. There are things many women would consider in a loving relationship to please her lover that she would no way do for a one-night stand. It makes sense – once you start really caring for someone, you begin to put their needs ahead of your own sometimes.

    Also, good point about blue balls. I've heard from men who have said they've never experienced it, but also men who have and found it truly painful. Obviously, guys need to tell us when something we're doing is failing to please, or worse, hurting them.

    In my own experience, I have found that guys do like to cuddle. Spooning is always nice, and I think most guys will naturally spoon after sex. Women just need to understand that they are physiologically programmed to sleep after ejaculation. It's not personal. So enjoy the spooning as you drift off. Wait till morning for pillow talk.

  • Screwtape

    I used to think the whole thing about men falling asleep after sex had to do with ensuring the survival of his offspring. Basically, as he is asleep he is unable to defend himself when the female kills and eats him. Thus, she has energy for childbirth later on.

    But then I was told that while that was a working strategy for spiders, human males general strategy was to breed with as many women as possible. And being eaten after sex would be counterproductive to this strategy, as generally any resulting pregnancy would only produce one offspring.

    But this has left me wondering something; If this is so, then wouldn't it be a more effective strategy to NOT fall asleep so the male could immediately hop out of bed looking for the next interested female?

    Later I was told it was to help genetic diversity by allowing the female the chance to sneak out of bed so she could also breed with another male while the first one was in a deep snooze.

    However, every time this has happened to me I woke up as she was trying to escape to find her next paramour. Though she denied it, of course, and called me a jealous control freak right before she dumped me for the guy in the next room.

    Despite the evidence to the contrary, I wondered if she actually had a point so I made sure I drank alot of coffee before sex with my next girlfriend. Then, immediately after orgasm, I chugged a bottle of Red Bull and proceeded to sneak out to my hot next door neighbor's house.

    Unfortunately my girl noticed my absence, followed me over, and proceeded to inflict serious harm upon my person and that of the neighbor I was with.

    And so I was finally able to figure out why men fall asleep after sex; it is to prevent damage/death resulting from the male looking for another breeding partner right after sex. Presumably the female will either fall asleep so when he can sneak off to find another mate after he wakes up later to go urinate, or she will get bored and leave so he won't have to worry about being violently interrupted with his next partner. And thus both survival of the species, and the male, is ensured.

  • jerseyboy76

    First let me say this article hits the nail on the head. If anyone wants to know why marriages fail then all those counselors should read this and weep cause it's the truth. Guys love all the aggressive behavior in a woman. We enjoy the foreplay and long nights. The more sexually satisfied a man is the less likely he is to look elsewhere for satisfaction. Every guy has his turn on. I Know for many it's a woman in a pair of panties. Some love huge breast while others, me included, love a woman with a great butt in a pair of heels. They just accent a woman's body in a way that drives men up a wall. Blue balls is a condition I've experienced and yes it hurts. A woman has you so turned on that the blood flow to the penis is at it's peak and remains there for an extended duration only because your not sexually satisfied. The slang term is getting your rocks off. If a situation is right a woman can have multiple orgasms. The male usually needs time to regenerate his brain chemistry to get blood flow again but if the woman really excites him he won't take long to get back in the saddle. Men usually fall asleep after sex. Woman wake up. All this is due to the differences in brain chemistry. Don't get upset just keep him going and he won't fall asleep. Men don't ask for much , just a lot of good sex to keep them happy. On an ending note I feel men and women should both try to keep in shape to be physically appealing for each other in addition to the health factors. We can do a lot to say appealing if we try.

  • susanawalsh

    Hey jerseyboy, thanks for putting it out there. Sometimes it's hard for women to understand (and accept) that sex is perhaps THE MOST IMPORTANT THING for men in a relationship. If you can make it work in bed, negotiating the rest is much easier.

  • anominous

    If only my girlfriend spoke English, i would somehow send this to her anonymously. Sounds just like the cliché of a girl leaving the cosmo open for her boyfriend on the coffee table, open on the “what women want” article, but some girls can be so clueless in this department.
    I hate to think that this kind of problem could be the determining factor in a relationship (makes me feel shallow, somehow) but it is central and can be the cause of so many silly break-ups.

  • susanawalsh

    anominous, I think many people feel the way you do. We'd like to be able to speak up about what pleases us sexually, but we don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. And we feel sheepish about discussing what turns us on. I think a lot of this information can be communicated in a way that makes it less of a big deal. During sex is the best time to talk about sex, so try asking for something you crave then. I think women like it when a guy says what he wants. We see it as an opportunity to get him really turned on, and we appreciate the coaching. It's just a matter of delivery.

  • anominous

    If only my girlfriend spoke English, i would somehow send this to her anonymously. Sounds just like the cliché of a girl leaving the cosmo open for her boyfriend on the coffee table, open on the “what women want” article, but some girls can be so clueless in this department.
    I hate to think that this kind of problem could be the determining factor in a relationship (makes me feel shallow, somehow) but it is central and can be the cause of so many silly break-ups.

  • susanawalsh

    anominous, I think many people feel the way you do. We'd like to be able to speak up about what pleases us sexually, but we don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. And we feel sheepish about discussing what turns us on. I think a lot of this information can be communicated in a way that makes it less of a big deal. During sex is the best time to talk about sex, so try asking for something you crave then. I think women like it when a guy says what he wants. We see it as an opportunity to get him really turned on, and we appreciate the coaching. It's just a matter of delivery.

  • Rick

    I applaud trying to get to know what guys like. This is hilarious, though.
    Imagine I proposed an all encompassing guide to blowing every women’s
    mind in bed.

    Yes, everyone is different. There were some uniform rules here,
    but again, you have to learn what he likes. I have friends who run
    the gambit. Some like aggressive and kinky. Some like vulnerability
    (like me). Do your homework.

  • Marc

    Good point about guys concentrating on a woman’s good qualities in bed. As all men have, I’ve jumped on a few grenades in my life. (Maybe even an IED, or Scud missle). Even with a girl who is a little rough on the eyes, we will concentrate on her nice feet, ears, lips, etc. We can find something nice to “finish with”.
    …….
    So don’t worry girls, we are looking at your good parts, not bad ones!
    …….
    Also, as funny as this sounds, the best blow jobs I’ve gotten were the worst ones I’ve gotten. If a girl is in her teens or early twenties, we are turned on by her lack of experience. If you’re 22+, this doesn’t apply to you, just do your best to give a great BJ!!!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      If a girl is in her teens or early twenties, we are turned on by her lack of experience.

      That is very interesting.

  • MunkyGirl

    A big anxiety thing for me is, how do men feel about when they come inside you and that starts leaking out. It freaks me out wondering what he thinks, does he understand that we need a small towel next to the bed just to clean up before we start again. Thoughts guys?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @MunkyGirl
      I’ve never heard of this being a big deal to anyone. After sex, get up and go pee. Dry yourself off. No big deal.

  • Rob

    Good article except some of us like nails in the back and a little pain :)

  • http://www.therulesrevisited.blogspot.com Andrew

    I think this is a solid post. I would add a couple things though: first, a sort of overarching comment that when it comes to sexual arousal all men are different. I have seen so many cosmo articles on this and read them with male buddies: we always disagree on which items on the list actually work. The point is: find out what your guy wants.

    That being said, of course there are some things that most men like, one of which was omitted from this list: visual stimulation. Men are turned on (not only, but in large part) by what they see in bed: what she is wearing, what position her body is in, how her hair falls over her breasts, etc.

    Maybe one other thing: most men watch porn. If you can find out what porn your guy watched (ask him) or watches (internet history), you will learn everything he likes. Copy that to whatever extent you feel comfortable. But focus on the underlying themes of the collective group of sites/videos/pictures he watches, not on specific instances of any one.

    I will make a post on my blog at some point about this, but in the meantime, check out the other articles: http://therulesrevisited.blogspot.com/

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Andrew
      Good points here, I cosign them.

  • http://www.triggeralert.blogspot.com/ Byron

    MunkyGirl,

    A big anxiety thing for me is, how do men feel about when they come inside you and that starts leaking out. It freaks me out wondering what he thinks, does he understand that we need a small towel next to the bed just to clean up before we start again. Thoughts guys?

    It’s pretty simple physics: what goes up must come out. Also, remember boys are much more used to dealing with their seed than you are. It’s really no big deal to them, don’t sweat it.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    “Hey jerseyboy, thanks for putting it out there. Sometimes it’s hard for women to understand (and accept) that sex is perhaps THE MOST IMPORTANT THING for men in a relationship. If you can make it work in bed, negotiating the rest is much easier.”

    Double this up. All that BS about “well you’re more important than the biker I fucked in the bar bathroom because I trust you, tell you my feelings, etc, even though I want to wait X dates to sleep with you” is just that. The highest esteem a woman can give a man is sexual access, variety and enthusiasm. As Athol says, it’s really why we get into relationships, because only frat rats and guitar players can get regular sex without relationships.

    It’s weird, too, because media is saturated in this cartoonish image that men are sex-obsessed boors, but at the same time women want to not believe that sex is a critical relationship component, or that it’s enough to just show up. Abbot has made the point that a big factor in the fantasy of porn is that the female characters are into it. I had never thought of it like that but I think he’s right. Vanilla sex with a woman who’s really into it can be better that a nonplussed woman who rivals a gymnast’s flexibilty and a bonobo’s contortions.

    I had never understood women faking orgasms, but I suppose faking it is sometimes a tactic to provide that “into it” feeling for your man.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      I had never understood women faking orgasms, but I suppose faking it is sometimes a tactic to provide that “into it” feeling for your man.

      I think there are a number of reasons women fake it. I think often it’s intended as a generous gesture – a guy is trying really hard and you know it’s not going to happen, but you don’t want to say that. This tends to be the case early in relationships, when women may be less comfortable and the guy doesn’t know their body yet. Of course, once you fake it, you’ve painted yourself into a corner, by giving positive reinforcement for something that may nor may not work next time. It’s also unfair to the guy, who presumably wants to be the best lover he can be – and not get the double pat when he hasn’t earned it.

  • http://www.triggeralert.blogspot.com/ Byron

    Vanilla sex with a woman who’s really into it can be better that a nonplussed woman who rivals a gymnast’s flexibilty and a bonobo’s contortions.

    Absolutely. Every time.

    I had never understood women faking orgasms, but I suppose faking it is sometimes a tactic to provide that “into it” feeling for your man.

    Hearing women joke about faking orgasms is one of the biggest turn-offs I can imagine, maybe even the biggest. A woman who talks about doing so instantly becomes far less trustworthy & attractive in my eyes. But I’ve yet to meet a woman who actually ‘gets’ that. Maybe because there’s not really a male equivalent.

  • http://www.triggeralert.blogspot.com/ Byron

    Would be interested in hearing some of the other guys weighing in on this – to me it’s quite a larger issue than Susan (& other women) make it out to be, & feels like it touches on the ‘cuckolding’ fear that evolution hardwired into men, something very deep & basic. My senses seem to be pre-sharpened to look for signs of it the way our senses are programmed to look for sign of cheating in our partners. Am I alone in this or is it a wider phenomenon?

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2009/08/10/hookinguprealities/how-to-blow-his-mind-in-bed/ MunkyGirl

    Ok guys. I get doing what a guy is into and I’m all for that, but if you just started dating, how do you ask what he likes? Wouldn’t that be a turnoff? And as for the time dating, isn’t it best to wait 3 dates then hop in the sack with him? Usually if a woman does the deed right off the bat she is then a whore. Any advice to get him to tell you what he likes? I can make it nice physically, but the words are different.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Munky Girl
      My recommendation on timing is “no sex before monogamy.” Re figuring out what he likes, you could ask, but if you’d rather not, experiment a bit. He’ll moan when you hit the right spot. If he doesn’t respond, it’s not a trigger for him. Memorize the triggers and keep exploring. He may even come right out and tell you he loves something you are doing. If he’s the silent type (I hate that!) you’ll have to ask. You can be playful about it, though. Ask what he would like to do at that moment more than anything else. Or ask him his very favorite thing. If you ask, he’s sure to tell you!

  • Unexperienced

    I’ve read everything now and can tell you that all of your comments are really helpful for us with no experience. I just got into a new relationship, since i’m pretty young and careful about the guy’s I’m seeing this has been a real help for me. We’ve just been going out for a couple of months and i just started to give him blow jobs but he is the silent guy, even when he gets an orgasm it comes as a surprise. So i don’t really know what he likes and don’t and that makes me kind of insecure and since we haven’t been dating for a long time i feel kind of silly asking him what he likes and don’t. So I’ve been searching around the net to learn how to do it and after finding this page he finally said the phrase “My girlfriend, who is great at blow jobs” but i have a feeling he’s just saying that to you know, make me want to do it more. I still take it as a compliment since he is my first to try it on. But still he always like’s to finish the blow job with intercourse so here’s my question. Do you guys like to finish with the blow job or switch in the last second to sex?

  • Tom

    @ unexperienced

    ________________

    Speaking for myself, both ways at times is great. Sometimes use a BJ as foreplay to get him stoked, let him go down on you too. Then sometimes finishing him off with just the BJ is great too. A man can just lay there and enjoy all the sensations with little or no effort.

    A good male lover normally knows to get her off first, normally orally(usually more than once) then there is another host of activities that can take place. She is well lubed and phyically receptive.

    Remember not all sex has to lead to intercourse. You can have an all oral night. or maybe just one of you gets oral then sex. or maybe you both do oral then sex. Lots of different combinations. Not many women just like a man to just “stick it in” especially since most women do not cum from fucking alone. While most women will cum thru oral. And remember it is not cheating if you use a vibrator during his thrusting. He has to come to understand that many women will not cum thru intercourse, but the assistance of a well placed vibrator almost assures she will. It is about her pleasure, and a smart guy knows that.

  • Ramble

    Unexperienced,
    Do not get caught up in things like order of operations and whatnot. Just remember this: when the lights go down, you should be having lots of fun.

    What is it that you want to do? What would you be really enthusiastic about doing?

    It is an unfortunately named action, because if she treats it like a job and she is actually blowing, then it is going to suck.

  • Stickypurplecat

    I get that guys are really, really, really into getting blown, but I’m sick of hearing that out of guys who aren’t willing to return the favor- or if they are, they’re stupid enough to tell me they don’t enjoy it. Buddy, you never asked me if I like it myself, and I’m still waiting for someone to offer to go down on me in the car! If you really want a BJ that badly you might consider giving me some incentive, you know…

    P.S. Could just be the type I hang out with, but I haven’t met a man yet that didn’t take pride in scratch marks on his back the next day, and some have specifically requested I grow my nails out because to them nails in the back means we’re both enjoying the ride.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Stickypurplecat

      I’m with you. No double standards on oral sex. And if you love it and a guy doesn’t enjoy it…move on. Seriously, having been married 27 years I can’t even imagine being with someone who feels that way. That is a major compatibility issue, IMO.

      I have had a similar experience with scratch marks, or in fact with any behavior that seems to imply a slight loss of control…

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    “I’m with you. No double standards on oral sex.”

    With the spreading exposure to HPV, and the reports of escalated throat cancers from it, I wonder if oral sex isn’t going to become blase in the next few years. Certainly a big risk.

    “I have had a similar experience with scratch marks, or in fact with any behavior that seems to imply a slight loss of control…”

    That’s hot.

    I’ve taken part in more than one manosphere discussion about porn, and the key factor that turns a lot of guys (including me) on about porn is not the sexual extremes, but the fact that the female characters are really into it. Remember that the cold fish is just above the woman who won’t even have sex in the male distaste hierarchy. We (or I at least) don’t want a woman who submits to “wifely duty;” I want a woman who actually wants to fu** me.

     

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      With the spreading exposure to HPV, and the reports of escalated throat cancers from it, I wonder if oral sex isn’t going to become blase in the next few years. Certainly a big risk.

      I agree, it’s actually riskier than intercourse now, because no one wants to do it or receive it through some plastic or latex barrier. HPV is also the STD that absolutely does not respect the condom, so it’s a serious problem. I hope parents take it seriously and get their sons vaccinated. If the entire adolescent population was inoculated, it wouldn’t stop HPV, but the transmission rates would plummet.

  • anonymous

    Badger : “We (or I at least) don’t want a woman who submits to “wifely duty;” I want a woman who actually wants to fu** me.”

    It depends on whether “wifely duty” comes with enthusiasm or not. You see, sometimes women aren’t into it until ….. well, until their well into the act, but many women don’t know this about themselves. They’ll keep waiting until they’re in the mood and it rarely happens. But if instead they decide to go along, despite not being in the mood, often times their mood will quickly change and they’ll enjoy it, even when they thought initially that they wouldn’t.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      They’ll keep waiting until they’re in the mood and it rarely happens. But if instead they decide to go along, despite not being in the mood, often times their mood will quickly change and they’ll enjoy it, even when they thought initially that they wouldn’t.

      Ha, this is so true! After I decided that I would as a general rule not deny my husband sex when he was in the mood, I quickly learned that I could go from being tired and lazy about sex to being very into it in about a minute and a half. I think it must have something to do with the way women become aroused – in direct response to the touch of the male, rather than anticipating arousal well ahead of time, which men often seem to do.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    Susan,

    “Ha, this is so true! After I decided that I would as a general rule not deny my husband sex when he was in the mood, I quickly learned that I could go from being tired and lazy about sex to being very into it in about a minute and a half. I think it must have something to do with the way women become aroused – in direct response to the touch of the male, rather than anticipating arousal well ahead of time, which men often seem to do.”

    I am curious about this. You have painted yourself as a rather high-sex woman, including a failed relationship partially due to your higher sex drive.

    So what motivated/necessitated a personal policy of always saying yes? Did you find a drop in sex drive with marriage, home, kids (as the Manosphere has often cited as a typical pattern) that caused the need for a rational commitment to staying sexual? Were you motivated by wanting to please your husband? Did you find your husband in the mood more than you, or just at different times? Was it an experiment cooked up in a women’s magazine you decided to try?

    I am also curious if Mr HUS knew you had a crush on him when he made his first move.

    God, I hope your daughter isn’t reading this thread.

    “in about a minute and a half”

    Note to self: if this is representative of women, work on lasting two minutes or more.

     

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Badger

      So what motivated/necessitated a personal policy of always saying yes? Did you find a drop in sex drive with marriage, home, kids (as the Manosphere has often cited as a typical pattern) that caused the need for a rational commitment to staying sexual? Were you motivated by wanting to please your husband? Did you find your husband in the mood more than you, or just at different times? Was it an experiment cooked up in a women’s magazine you decided to try?

      OK, so this is what happened. I told this recently, apologies to anyone who has already heard it. My kids were little, I was sort of overwhelmed as a SAHM. Honestly, consulting was sooooooo much easier. Every day felt like moving day (a good reason to have children young!). I enjoyed it, but it was a lot of physical work, and emotionally tiring as well. I never used babysitters in the day, so I was often beat by the time we got the kids to bed. Honestly, I just had zero interest in sex. As you suggest, this was a 180 from the previous 8 years, the only time in our lives we could have given the Kays a run for their money :-) Anyway, I found all sorts of ways to avoid it, and of course, my husband’s need just totally turned me off. His romantic overtures seemed pathetic. After a while he just stopped trying to be nice, and just made moves. This really pissed me off, and I basically said, “Leave me alone.”

      Well. This was his response: “This is unacceptable. I will not remain in a sexless marriage. I don’t know what happened to your sex drive, but I suggest you figure it out. I’d rather you like it, but we’ll have sex either way or I will leave. So you’d better decide whether you want to remain married, because I’ve had enough.”

      That kind of sounds like Deti or MMSL, doesn’t it? It was my husband’s 100% alpha moment. It scared me, truly. I decided then and there I would never again turn away sex. I even decided to initiate sometimes, but I don’t often get the chance ;-) There have been natural ups and downs over the course of our lives, and my husband has sometimes been so stressed his own sex drive has waned temporarily, but overall I think it has worked quite well. And I really was surprised at how quickly my sex drive came back once I welcomed it.

      In short, I accepted sex as my “wifely duty,” and there is no doubt it saved my marriage. By the way, as an interesting aside, when I was about 40 my internist asked me if I was having enough sex. I barked a laugh and said “more than enough.” She told me that a very high percentage of her middle aged female patients complained that their husbands had no desire for them at all, and that I should consider myself very lucky. That surprised me.

      I am also curious if Mr HUS knew you had a crush on him when he made his first move.

      None at all! In fact, he tells the story differently than I do. That I was out of his league but he went for it on impulse. As you know, he was less than eager for Round 2, however. He says that I was obviously not looking for a relationship, and he didn’t want some casual fling. There’s no question in my mind that part of his hesitation had to do with his observation of my leaving a couple of parties with guys in the class above us – IOW he thought I was slutty. He had some flings too, though, so he wasn’t particularly judgmental. After he rejected me (March) I didn’t so much as touch another guy again, I just needed to get my head straight. Maybe I proved something to him in that time. Funny, we discussed this all at length in the early days, and I thought we had cleared the air. But when my version gets mentioned, he says, “That isn’t true, your mom had a thing for French guys. I didn’t think I had a real shot with her.” (Yes, the daughter knows the story, obvs.)

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    ” I hope parents take it seriously and get their sons vaccinated.”

    Did I miss a memo? I wasn’t aware the vaccine had been approved for use in males (not to mention that it can’t be tested for in men so vaccine trials would have to rely on circumstantial evidence).

     

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      Did I miss a memo? I wasn’t aware the vaccine had been approved for use in males (not to mention that it can’t be tested for in men so vaccine trials would have to rely on circumstantial evidence).

      A federal advisory panel has just recommended that 11 yo boys get vaccinated.

      http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/26/health/policy/26vaccine.html

      Sorry, my sex confession was tl;dr.

  • just visiting

    Well, I’m not Susan, but when I was married, I came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t deny sex when I was in my early 20’s. I was a little overwhelmed with young children, and feeling resentful. A very wise aunty set me strait at our new years eve party. She then suggested making it a new years eve resolution. I wasn’t convinced that this was going to change things for the better. I thought it would just reinforce  bad behaviour. But, I promised to give it a try for one year. Best advice EVER!!!!!!!!!

     

  • anonymous

    Badger

    I am curious about this. You have painted yourself as a rather high-sex woman, including a failed relationship partially due to your higher sex drive.

    So what motivated/necessitated a personal policy of always saying yes? Did you find a drop in sex drive with marriage, home, kids (as the Manosphere has often cited as a typical pattern) that caused the need for a rational commitment to staying sexual? Were you motivated by wanting to please your husband? Did you find your husband in the mood more than you, or just at different times? Was it an experiment cooked up in a women’s magazine you decided to try?

    Men’s sex drive is more directly tied to biology while women’s sex drive is multifactorial. Barring any medical or serious relationship issues, if a woman understands what those factors are  and pushes past her seemingly lack of desire, she can regain her libido. The more sex she has the higher her libido can become. That’s just one factor, but wifely duties was good advice because it can work quite well. If the husband also understands this, then he won’t take her lack of desire as a personal affront and they can work together to get things back on track.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    Susan,

    I guess I did miss the HPV memo.

    Re: your wifely duty, I’m very impressed with your problem-solving approach to the issue. And you say your husband is beta!

    I have to think most educated women in that situation would huff up about “you don’t own me! What is this, the 50’s? I’m an empowered woman, not some on-call sex toy for a man!” Basically gaslight the thing – making her de-prioritization of sex in favor of other (reasonable) responsibilities into his problem to just “deal with.”

    A followup: what has been your messaging to your kids? Shirley they’ve realized at one time or another that mom and dad have done it more than twice (once to make each baby).

    As an unmarried non-father, I’ve read more than a few parents’ concerns about the Net that they are squeamish about having a rocking sex life for fear they’ll get found out by their kids. My answer to that is, shouldn’t the kids understand that part of a good marriage is a good sex life that accommodates both spouses? It ties in with what I believe about parenting, that good parenting is not just about serving the kids’ needs but models a good adult relationship for them.

    http://badgerhut.wordpress.com/2011/03/26/marriage-is-part-of-parenting/

    “She told me that a very high percentage of her middle aged female patients complained that their husbands had no desire for them at all, and that I should consider myself very lucky. That surprised me.”

    I’ve been in at least adequate shape my entire adult life, and I’ve been surprised by how much my libido has increased since going paleo, taking fish oil and working out more. So I walk through the mall and see all these pasty, pudgy middle-aged couples and it’s no wonder there’s so many sexless relationships…they’re not attractive to each other, and their internal sexual systems probably don’t work so well either.

    “None at all! In fact, he tells the story differently than I do.”

    So each of you thinks you caught a lucky break with the other one. How sweet, that’s a good reciprocal basis for a relationship.

     

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Badger

      A followup: what has been your messaging to your kids? Shirley they’ve realized at one time or another that mom and dad have done it more than twice (once to make each baby).

      There is no explicit messaging. It’s obvious to them that their father and I are happily paired. We’re very close as a family. I’d like to think our marriage serves as a positive model.

  • OffTheCuff

    Anon: that’s called reactive desire, and it’s very important for men and women to account for it in each other. The “cold fish” is not someone who just has reactive desire, as that’s a reality we have to deal with. A cold fish someone who refuses to even give over to reactive desire, and sits there determined or unable to enjoy it.

  • Ham

    I agree with a lot of this. It’s easy to feel hurt when a man goes to sleep but I’ve learned not to take it personally. However, every guy is different. I once told my guy that I wanted to wake him up with oral sex or at least wake him up and then give him oral sex, and he said he wasn’t sure if he would like it. I always thought that was the ultimate!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Ham

      I once told my guy that I wanted to wake him up with oral sex or at least wake him up and then give him oral sex, and he said he wasn’t sure if he would like it. I always thought that was the ultimate!

      Me too! What’s not to like!?! Did he explain?

  • Kim

    @Ham
    “I once told my guy that I wanted to wake him up with oral sex or at least wake him up and then give him oral sex, and he said he wasn’t sure if he would like it.”

    That doesn’t necessarily mean he won’t like it! I suggest giving it a whirl one morning without alerting him beforehand and see how it goes. If not, then at least you tried; everyone is different. The first time I suddenly woke up my S.O. with a blow job, he was so pleasantly surprised that he returned the gesture by waking me up the same way a few days later.

  • blah

    i sometimes wonder if men even notice my lingerie because it ends up being taken off so quickly. in fact, the first time i hooked up with the last guy i was hooking up with he took my bra and shirt off simultaneously! so he didnt even see it!
    but its good to know that most men do appreciate lingerie since i have more lingerie outfits than i do regular pieces of clothing.

    my ex was pretty into it. he really liked this pink and white bra i had which he called my “candy” bra, and one time i came home from work wearing a black and skin colored lace set and he loved it so much he wouldnt even let me take it off, he just moved the panties to the side for sex.

  • ottman

    badgerhunt… your the only one that made sense …big ups 4 you x

  • Ground Provision

    These are so true. I’ve done them all. My guy loves it when I scream his name at the top of my lungs when he gives it to me really good. They love it when you bend over willlingly and stay there. Don’t run. Take it all and scream if you have to.

  • Conflicted

    Between the article and the discussion I’ve found this all very comforting and reassuring, but I still find myself reluctant in some aspects.

    I have two older sisters who are married, but all three of us were really late bloomers as far as relationships with guys. I’ll be turning 20 in July and I just got my first real relationship in February. I’ve always been really particular about guys from reasons ranging between instilled fear from others bad experiences to my own insecurities which I’ve worked out. In my two years at college so far I’ve matured a lot and I feel like I’ve really started to come into my own.

    My boyfriend and I started having sex recently and it’s been great. He is very attentive to me, always encouraging, concerned for my enjoyment, and testing the boundaries but not forcing. I’m pretty comfortable with a lot of what we do, most of it being at his suggestion (and he always gets his way, I just can’t deny him when making him happy makes me happy and I’m a firm believer that trying anything at least once can’t hurt. In these cases they are mostly far from painful and I do like them lol) but the one thing I feel constantly guilty about is my aversion to blow jobs.

    With most everyone expounding on the importance and glory of blow jobs for guys and relationships I still feel really insecure. I’ve only tried once and I couldn’t do it. It is more than just me NOT wanting to do it. Because I know he’d enjoy it I really DO want to, but I have a big hang up about what goes in my mouth. I can’t stand people watching me eat and if I know something is not supposed to go in my mouth I have a hard time putting it there. When we tried I thought that maybe if he didn’t watch I’d be able to do it. He was perfect in not watching me, but I still failed. I don’t know what I can do to fix this other than maybe it being an issue in need of therapy which I don’t want. I refuse to let something like this cause any problems if blow jobs are really THAT important. I’m completely smitten with him and it would really suck if he got tired of me just because of something I haven’t been able to control, and I really have tried to work on it.

    Am I just over thinking it? Will it come eventually? I just really could use some advice, especially if there is anyone who has had a similar issue.

  • LittleThing

    Conflicted:

    I know exactly what you mean! My man loves, and i mean LOVES his BJ’s, and i try but i just cant seem to get it right. You are not alone on that one, i’ve never actually asked him what his oppinion is on very few BJ’s but i honestly dont think he minds,
    this also then lead into that wife duty topic, because whenever he wants he can have, the sheer fact that he wants me, is enough to make me want him, and making him happy is half the fun, so knowing that he’s enjoying himself makes us enjoy it just that much more! That and i like that whole, “your my girl, i want you, and i want you now.” , the fact that he’s pretty much bossing me around is actually a turn on. If it happens too much, i can see how it would be a bit of a piss off, but every once in awhile, i have 0 complaints. As a rather tiny female to begin with, and my man being so much larger than myself (i’m about 4.8, he’s about 6.5) i do enjoy the feeling of being almost dominated so to say, especially because he is my man and its almost a comforting feeling to know he basically has complete control of me, and if he used it i would be helpless, but hes not.
    As for those nails.. He doesnt mind it, excessivly (like everytime) not enjoyable, but when you loose control and nails run down his back, he knows he’s driving you crazy, and whats not to love about making them lose it?

  • NotBoDerek

    Women FAKING orgasms – an uncomfortable truth.

    Many men have no idea what a woman will act like when she is having an orgasm because a)they have been viewing porn and b)it isn’t as straightforwardly obvious as male ejaculation.

    A long term boyfriend of mine used to make me orgasm 75% of the time. However, he told me that I wasn’t having an orgasm at all because it wasn’t like it had been with previous partners…… I think those previous partners were probably fakers…. anyway, he told me that I wasn’t having an orgasm so often that eventually he was right and I could no longer have one with him. He placed a mental block in my mind that lasted for years.

    Another boyfriend used to stop as soon as I would say “don’t stop” or “this is it, I’m coming”. As soon as I said those words he would just stop and turn his back. So again, this lead to a self defeating result.

    So I would say to guys:
    1. Don’t accuse an enthusiastic lover of faking – she might not be.
    2.Don’t compare her orgasms to previous lovers.
    3.Don’t expect a porn star orgasm – a genuine orgasm when it happens, can’t be posed, she does what she does and is not in control for those seconds.

  • NotBoDerek

    @Conflicted

    BJ’s should be something you enjoy giving rather than feel pressured into giving because everyone is saying they’re essential.

    My advice to you would be to take the pressure off yourself and build up to it slowly. So, rather than trying to take him all in your mouth, start with the end and also lick along the shaft, while you masturbate him.

    He will enjoy that and it will build your confidence.

  • Plain Jane

    NotBoDerek,
    “Another boyfriend used to stop as soon as I would say “don’t stop” or “this is it, I’m coming”. As soon as I said those words he would just stop and turn his back. ”

    Was your boyfriend’s nick name Roosh by any chance? That blogger wrote an entire blog telling men to immediately STOP when a woman says “don’t stop” in sex. He interprets it as the woman trying to “control the frame” of the sexual interaction. Of course Roosh’s readers wouldn’t want to give in and obey a woman on the verge of an orgasm. They wouldn’t want women to come back for seconds, now would they? God forbid they garner reputations as good lovers! There is no worse fate for a man.

  • NotBoDerek

    Plain Jane,
    “…the woman trying to “control the frame” of the sexual interaction…”

    Good grief! No wonder some men get it so completely wrong if they are reading rubbish like that.

  • Guy

    With regard to the whole “… and they don’t want you fiddling with their out-holes, thanks very much.” Are you kidding? Any guy who has had a girl massage his prostate or play with his ass during a bj knows how awesome it is. I can barely last when everything is hitting right. For all of you that say its gay since when is being with a woman gay? Ladies if you don’t know if you’re guy is into it, lightly drag your finger tips under his balls or from his butt cheeks up to his balls. If he rocks his hips into it let some drool run down into his ass crack and rub a finger down there. You don’t have to go in, there are a ton of nerve endings around the area. And guys if you’re bugging you lady for anal and she won’t do it, let her play around with yours. Kind of hard for her to say no when you let her play with yours.

  • Helen B

    Who wrote this????? So us girls get nothing eh?!!! Bedtime blow jobs, morning blow jobs, TRY anal!!! Then we don’t even get a cuddle! Both parties need to be satisfied so give a little guys. If we can give you around the clock blow jobs you can at least give us a cuddle afterwards!

  • BPW

    Interestingly, its actually my bf that seems to want to hug afterwards. When he goes he kisses me allover and squeezes tight. I don’t like it at all, I hate cuddling this much after.. TOO HOT!

  • Luke

    I’ll believe whatever else you’ve written because this one is spot on. Really enjoyed your blog!

  • Catrine

    I enjoyed the article, it was a fun read. I disagree with a few statements such as don’t use the “nails” on the back and don’t even try to tickle a man’s “out door”. Both of these are things my lover digs.
    The best sex is when you are confident and comfortable with yourself and trust your partner.
    My current lover is 66, 18 years alder than me and he blows me away in bed. He takes his time, loves kissing, petting and plenty of foreplay. He is fantastic at oral, knows many positions and loves to experiment. I am never disappointed when we make love and play and I do not mind at all that after he reached climax he wants wrap his arms around me and feel my head on his chest as he falls asleep and snores all night.
    Sex is life’s best elixir!

  • Susan

    ‘although, again, they understand the reluctance, and they don’t want you fiddling with their out-holes, thanks very much’

    Um, EVERY guy I’ve been with likes,wait, make that LOVES to have his butt in the mix. EVERY ONE. Rim job plus reach around = love.

  • Professor

    It is interesting reading all these women who decided to “submit” to their wifely duty- and found out they really liked “it!” Wow! Once you give up the demand for power and control over your man your relationship improves and your happiness grows. Who knew?

    My Bible requires just one thing of wives- submit to your husband. The writers DID NOT say obey your husband, worship your husband, listen to your husband, take care of the house for your husband, be a stay-at-home mom for your husband, financially support your husband, have babies for your husband, or give up your job for your husband. They said SUBMIT!

    The meaning was clear that a wife should NOT deny her husband sex. Today many women- probably most- use SEX as a control device, a reward only if the husband performs his tricks. This creates miserable women and angry, cheating men who feel no responsibility to their wives and children. Who dares compare the divorce rate of “liberated” women who say “No” as a tool of manipulation and the passionate woman who says yes and enjoys pleasing her husband.

    The formula really is simple ladies, and it has chiseled in stone for at least 2,000 years.

  • George

    Reasonably good article, but there are some, maybe just a few, men like me who don’t like BJs so much — I don’t really come.

    And what I really really want is to know how to make the woman come, whether it’s penis, tongue, or fingers stroking her clit. With the idea of “having my way” with her, after she comes. Either doggy or straight porno-balling fast as I can.

    Women who deliberately learn how to come quickly and easily, and clearly tell their men how to make them come, will find their men happy to oblige as long as the men can ball them after.

    (My partner and I use paper towels to avoid the wet spot.)

  • Vee

    The only thing I have to say is that men love a little butt play too. Everything else in this article is pretty spot on =)

  • Man

    The thing to remember when it comes to blow jobs is – as we established earlier – more, more, more. It’s a cliche because it’s true: guys can’t get enough oral sex…Wake him up with a blow job, put him to sleep with a blow job. On the couch, in the car, unexpected, pre-planned, 69er…. You get maximum points every time.

    Susan, you’re gonna blow my mind. :-* My dream girl. ;-)

  • Man

    I wish to suggest here some books about sexuality. I think that nowadays a lot of women want to “blow his mind” in bed and they end up blowing their own mind instead, because they are either not suited for sexual escalation before emotional intimacy, or simply because they’re not also comfortable and in touch with their own sexuality and feelings/needs. That really pains me. So I suggest:

    Do you know and are comfortable with your own sexuality? Not sure? This might help: The Good Girl’s Guide to Bad Girl Sex.

    Are you ready for sex or do you need emotional intimacy first? Do you have any sexual inhibitions or dysfunctions? This might help to sort things out: Sexual Healing.

    Do you really know men’s sexuality and how they view relationships? Read more HUS articles :), pay attention to Dr. Susan and also read this book: Why Men Fake It.

    Take care.

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  • BeenThereDoneThatTwice

    Moral of the story: Communicate.

  • Jimmy

    Very accurate. Nice job