Integrity: The Cure for Emotional Whiplash
“You’re hot then you’re cold
You’re yes then you’re no
You’re in and you’re out
You’re up and you’re down
Someone call the doctor
Got a case of love bipolar
Stuck on a rollercoaster
Can’t get off this ride”
Katy Perry, Hot N Cold
I want to write about integrity, but I don’t know what it is. Sure, I have a sense of what integrity is. Stuff like being honest, of good character, strong, filled with purpose. But none of those concepts alone really captures it.
Even though I’m having trouble defining integrity, I’m convinced it is one of the most important qualities you can look for in a partner. Perhaps the most important. There is no way you can have a good long-term relationship with a person who lacks integrity. In fact, there’s no way you can have a satisfying short-term fling with a person who lacks integrity.
How can we demand it if we can’t define it? How will we know it when we see it? And how will we know when we’re interested in someone who lacks it?
Here are some of the ways people have sought to define integrity:
- Being genuine, and acting in a way that is true to yourself and your beliefs, no matter what. (Cindy Loughran)
- Having the strength of will to do what one says one will do. (Ayal Hurst)
- Integrity is where your beliefs, your actions, what you say, and how you feel are consistent. You are integrated, and when you choose a course of action, it’s not based on which way the wind is blowing at a given moment. (Steve Pavlina)
And a Wikipedia excerpt:
The etymology of the word “integrity” stems from the Latin adjective integer (whole, complete). In this context, integrity may comprise the personal inner sense of “wholeness” deriving from honesty and consistency of character. As such, one can judge that others “have integrity” to the extent that one judges whether they behave according to the values, beliefs and principles they claim to hold.
In relationships, I think integrity hinges on consistency. Particularly in the early stages of a relationship, when trust is not yet established, we need to be treated with respect and honesty at all times.
Like me, don’t like me, just don’t give me whiplash trying to interpret your mixed messages.
There are five areas in a relationship where you should be treated with consistency. If you’re getting a stiff neck trying to keep up with the latest emotional volley, you are probably involved with a person who lacks integrity. We may not know exactly how to describe it, but we sure do know it when we see it.
1. Consistent demonstration of feeling
- Hot vs. cold
Does his level of interest remain steady, or does it change from day to day, weekend to weekend? Is he attentive before sex, not so much after? If he lacks or loses interest, will he communicate that so that you can move on, or will he ride it out to hang on to the sex for a while?
- Drunk vs. sober
Does he like you a lot more when he’s drunk? Or less? Beer emotions count, but they should amplify rather than contradict what you’re seeing when he’s sober.
- With other people vs. alone
Does he demonstrate his fondness for you in front of other people, both strangers and friends? I’m not talking about shoving his tongue down your throat in public, I’m talking about his willingness to state to the world that he values and appreciates your company. And that includes his ex, by the way.
- Generous vs. selfish
Does he consider how his actions make you feel? Is he curious, checking in with you? If you get upset, is he eager to work it out, or does he accuse you of making drama?
2. Consistently reliable
Does he do what he says he is going to do?
- If he says, “I’ll call or text you later,” does he?
- Does he follow through when he suggests meeting up later?
- Does he show up where and when he says he will?
- Does he keep in touch so that you know what’s going on and what to expect? Or does he go AWOL sometimes?
3. Consistently open
- Is he an open book about his life? Or is he secretive?
- Is he eager for you to know his friends?
- Is he open and honest about his past relationships?
- Do you have a good sense of what he is doing and who he is with when you’re apart?
4. Consistency of moods
- Is he moody? Do you often wonder if you’ve done something wrong? Or worry that he’s losing interest?
- Does he have a volatile temper?
- Is he prone to jealousy?
5. Consistent in his treatment of others
- Is he considerate of strangers?
- Does he treat service people with respect?
- Is he kind and loyal toward his family and friends?
- Does he make an effort with your friends and family?
This may seem like a pretty long list of demands. But this is what you deserve from anyone who is in your life, at the very least. And this is what you should provide to your partner in any relationship, no matter how casual. The depth of feeling may vary, but the consistency of behavior should always remain intact. We can’t demand love, but we can demand integrity.
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Integrity IS hard to define and I think what makes it difficult is that there's different levels of integrity and people emphasize different aspects of integrity. This goes hand-in-hand in how a guy is transitioning from boyhood to manhood. Right now I'm pondering whether it's the exact same thing as maturity or if they overlap like a venn diagram.
Hey, wookie, that's an interesting insight. Integrity is very complex, with different levels and aspects. I don't think integrity is the same as maturity, but I agree there's overlap. An immature young man may be enormously empathic and a stand-up guy. And someone who is mature in every discernible way may lack integrity. (Politicians come to mind.) It is true, though, that often when I hear stories of selfish or dishonest behavior in relationships, immaturity is a defining factor. I assume that many young men (say, 18-23 or so) may lack integrity in their relationships, but will turn out OK in the end. As they mature, their values may change, and they'll clean up their act to experience a successful relationship.
I define integrity this way: consistent consistency of thought, speech, and action. It sounds redundant, but it isn't. A person with integrity will start and end a project, a relationship, or a job with the same level of consistency. Also very important, a person with *consistent* consistency will be a heightened (or subdued) version of himself while drunk (or smoking pot, though I'm sure nobody in America does that. It's illegal, after all.)
A person who begins a relationship being reliable, on time, and attentive, but becomes unreliable, late, and inattentive is not a person of integrity. Instead of saying the truth — that they're getting tired of you — they pretend that everything is the same as it was. They are consistent when it is convenient for them to be so, but when it comes to being consistent when it's difficult or might lead to uncomfortable consequences, they change their tune. Fair weather friends are an example of the same thing. They'll do anything for you — as long as their life is going well and it's not an inconvenience.
there are those that can be consistent in their affections and be douchebags.
integrity is tricky
I appreciate this. Inconsistency is what made my last relationship so brutal. My life and my little heart was constantly being torn apart and I just kept trying to make everything OK and normal. I always thought I had done something wrong. Now I see that he was just an inconsistent moron. And a liar/cheater/blashphemer.
Thanks!
PS: Sorry I haven't been coming around for a while. I think I'm getting back into the swing of things now!
Hambydammit, it's true — a person of integrity takes a deep breath and says the stuff that's really hard to say. Having integrity doesn't mean you can't hurt someone. It just means you have to disappoint them in a way that's respectful, honest, etc. Also, you hit on the important idea of selfishness. I don't think selfishness and integrity can coexist — treating other people with integrity means carefully considering your ability to affect their lives.
It is soooo tricky. While researching the concept of integrity, I actually came across articles that said that some of history's worst despots (including Hitler) had integrity because they were consistent in their thoughts, words and actions. I found the idea so reprehensible I ignored it for the purposes of this post. Also, as you say, people without integrity are sometimes really, really good at playing Mr. Nice Guy. Douchebags are often sweet and attentive in the early stages of a relationship. Sadly, there are no guarantees. All we can do is look out for red flags early on — that's what I'm trying to provide here. Usually, even the most skilled liar will trip up here and there, showing their true colors.
singlutionary, hi, I'm happy to see you! It is very true that when we are involved with people who are incapable of really giving, e.g. narcissists/players/liars we tend to blame ourselves. So many women involved with worthless men wind up feeling that the problem is that they are not lovable enough. They view his terrible treatment of them as indication that he doesn't like them very much. And it's true, he doesn't. What women often have trouble accepting, though, is that he doesn't like ANYONE very much other than himself. And if some girl comes along after them and looks happy in a relationship with him, she's not. Because he is who he is.
Yes all well & good. And perhaps even completely true. Nevertheless, never let reality dictate what your loins desire and what your emotions demand. Especially when in your 20's when all the saps & hormones are still running 'hot & heavy'.
In a word? Most people find these kinds of people just boring & uninteresting. The Fred MacMurray's of excitement. The Betty's of the dance floor. In other words, your Mom & Dad, if you were extremely lucky to be blessed with having just some of these sterling characteristics. Otherwise? Most folks don't want to be bothered with such a bothersome 'search' for these aspects of integrity or telltale 'signals' of same. Again, they'll slowly come to 'rediscover' these desirable characteristics only after a long series of uber painful relationships with the types of guys & gals described in the above novels. If it only takes about a decade, they'll count themselves lucky. By then many of the folks described above by the same characteristics, having any modicum of sense, & a healthy sense of self worth & intelligence would already have been married/coupled or on their next rounds of trials after the 1st one 'did not take'.
Integrity is yes, vitally important in any human relationship. All of them in fact. But it can be 'faked' so easily for most as to be a supremely dangerous single test for a mate or a partner. Everyone thought well of Bernie Madoff too. Try to add in some of the more simpler observations too. Genuine Kindness. Not afraid of commitment or long talks about same. Happy to talk about his/her emotions in a dispassionate way, when calmed… A Pacific attitude towards interpersonal conflict. Never seen to hit or strike anyone unless absolutely necessary to prevent a much larger tragedy or disaster. Generous in thought, action & deed even with meager provisions or goods. Loving, and being happily generally so. Quick to defend those he/she loves. Trying in their own small way to make the world a bit better, brighter, friendlier or more livable. Thoughtful in their actions & works. Wise in the ways of the world and yet tolerant of foibles and the madness of same. We all know these people. We might visit with them often too. They are known to one and all as the happy places to go to get 'nourished' & loved regardless of your place & station & circumstance. They are in a word: Your Grandparents!
Cheers, 'VJ'
if this wasnt the best post ever!
is there any way you could make it so we can share the posts on facebook? or is there already a way and i just dont know how to do it.
[i love your blog so much i want to share it with as many people as possible!]
Geraine, thanks so much, I really appreciate that! I've added the facebook button at the bottom of the post. If you click on that, it will take you to facebook and allow you to post it on your profile. I would really, really love it if you would share my posts that way! Thanks again.
if this wasnt the best post ever!
is there any way you could make it so we can share the posts on facebook? or is there already a way and i just dont know how to do it.
[i love your blog so much i want to share it with as many people as possible!]
Geraine, thanks so much, I really appreciate that! I've added the facebook button at the bottom of the post. If you click on that, it will take you to facebook and allow you to post it on your profile. I would really, really love it if you would share my posts that way! Thanks again.