Do Pretty Girls Have it Harder?
If you want to be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you
Jimmy Soul, 1970
Do beautiful women have a harder time finding real love? I bet Jennifer Aniston thinks so. The woman in this photo writes the great blog Live.to.the.point.of.tears, and is the author of Words to Date By, which I posted a few months ago here at HUS. It’s clear that like everyone else, she’s had her share of disappointments and douchebags, though I have a hard time imagining that she doesn’t get and keep whoever the hell she wants.
Conventional wisdom and research provide lots of evidence that good-looking people enjoy many advantages in life. They make friends more easily, get more promotions at work, and presumably have no trouble attracting members of the opposite sex. They are perceived to have a very high mating value.
So why do I know so many beautiful unhappy and lonely women? I know what you’re thinking: Cry Me a River.
To the rest of us, beautiful people are coasting on their looks, getting all sorts of stuff they didn’t have to work for. When I was in middle school, my family moved from New York to LA. In New York, I’d been feisty and outspoken, confident in my smarts and my Irish looks. When I got to LA I realized right away that things were not going to go so well for me there. Where I was short and curvy, with dark hair, the ideal California girl was…well, you know exactly who she was. She was the woman in this photo.
In the end, guys didn’t like me much in high school, but the girls did. I wound up as court jester to the most beautiful, perfect blondes on campus. I was granted a full array of priveleges, such as going over to help them get ready for formal dances, or coordinating the publicity for their various elections. They effortlessly reeled in all the hottest guys and made them boyfriends.
What’s changed? Well, for one thing, in that era guys derived social status from being able to attract and keep a hot girlfriend. They were pretty much the only guys getting regular sex. Today, that’s been turned upside down. In his 2008 book Guyland, Michael Kimmel makes some interesting observations about the way men aged 18-26 view relationships today:
- “Because Guyland is so homosocial, it requires the relentless assertion of heterosexuality.”
- “The guys who appear the most disinterested are the ones who end up being the coolest, and that the girls find most attractive. When women decline sexual advances, they threaten masculinity. That’s why guys like porn so much: the women are compliant.”
- “Sex in Guyland is guys’ sex. Women are welcome to act upon their sexual desires, but guys run the scene. Many young women are biding their time, waiting for the guys to grow up and start acting like men.”
- “If sex were the goal, a guy would have a much better chance of having more (and better) sex if he had a steady girlfriend. Instead, guys hook up to prove something to other guys. The actual experience of sex pales in comparison to the experience of talking about sex.”
For guys, scoring sex becomes the most important goal on any given evening. Therefore, it is important to maximize your chances for success by avoiding girls where the risk of rejection is high. Hooking up with a girl deemed unattractive by your buddies is explained away by your drunkenness, and is vastly preferable to “not getting any.” This leads most guys to pursue whatever woman they feel is most likely to accept their advances.
Beautiful women, expecting to have a high mating value, find themselves targeted by only the most sexually aggressive men. These tend to be men who are extremely good-looking and have a strong track record of hooking up with whomever they want. It is they who have the highest mating value, sexually speaking. If they were interested in a relationship, they would likely target girls of similar attractiveness, but few of them are. Often, very good-looking girls discover that they are only the newest challenge, the most difficult sexual conquest, for a popular guy. As long as guys derive status from “banging bitches” instead of having girlfriends, none of this is likely to change.
This short film, Not Pretty, Really was shown at Sundance in 2006. It’s less than three minutes, so hang in there -- I especially want you to watch the woman who comes on at 1:50. It’s powerful and moving.
Last semester, a very good-looking young woman got the following text on her phone late at night from a frat star she barely knew:
ur so hot i wanna cum on your tits 2nite
When she told me about it, she sounded very much like the woman in this film. She said, “Guys say disgusting things to me when they’re drunk. I wish I could meet someone who wanted to get to know me, someone who would get me.”
What happens as men age and presumably become more interested in having a real relationship?
In researching this question, I discovered that the question of why beautiful women are often perpetually unattached is a very popular one on dating and relationship forum sites, which cater to singles in their 20s and older.
A representative sample of male responses:
“I find pretty women intimidating. I would rather approach a less-attractive woman who might accept my advances.”
“Most men are intimidated by good looks. They think that because she looks good, she must be high maintenance, hard to get, already dating, and snobby. The few men that do approach her are all players who like to play head games just to get into her panties and claim her as a trophy. Some men that date beautiful women know this. They know that in most cases, beautiful women are single, fed up of head games and craving for a real man to approach them and desire them for who they are and not solely for their bodies.”
“Guys don’t want other guys drooling over their girlfriend.”
“Men do not like to approach women that they believe everyone wants.”
“Yes, guys do find it harder to talk to extremely attractive girls. Not intimidation necessarily, but a conviction that they’re just not in her league. Girls need to make themselves approachable. They need to try to initiate things, make eye contact with guys that they like. They should smile and be cute.”
“This girl must have already heard all possible pick-up lines and would not welcome an approach.”
“As far as looks go, “cute” is accessible, “pretty” is inaccessible, and “beautiful”, unattainable. A client of mine used to be a fashion model in New York. She’s smart and she has been around long enough to know it’s her looks that guys are interested in, and she won’t put up with it.”
“Remember in school when the quarterback got the prettiest girl? Believe me, guys remember, and not many of us were the quarterback. Men also have problems with self confidence and when presented with a choice between a cute girl that we have a chance with and a pretty girl that seems like a long shot, we are going to play it safe and go with cute. And relationships also have economics- the more attractive the women is the more resources a guy needs to get the girl- a fancy car, nice house, good job, or at least that how it works in a guys head. You can tell me how true that may be, but even if it’s not, the perception may well be more important then the truth.”
What’s a gorgeous girl to do?
- Bide your time, your day will come.
- Do not allow yourself to be objectified and used as an opportunity for some player to boast about having nailed you.
- Focus on friendships first. A guy who cares for you as a friend is less likely to use you, and more likely to develop real feelings.
- Be approachable, so that nice guys consider taking a chance. When you like a guy, find ways to let him know that he has a shot.
And the rest of us?
- Hey, their loss is our gain. Most relationships today develop from hookups, and if you’re more likely to get the hookup, you have a better shot at the relationship.
- Don’t kid yourself, though. You’re just as likely to be objectified and discussed with his peers the next day. If you want a relationship, be smart about who you have sex with.
- Ditto the rest of the advice: Focus on friendships first. A guy who cares for you as a friend is less likely to use you, and more likely to develop real feelings.
- Be approachable and friendly. And be yourself, because you are beautiful!
The truth is, we all want to be known, men and women alike. We seek short-term validation, but what we really crave is for someone to really see us, and to love what they see. We may get there at different times, we may get kicked to the curb a few times in the process. All of us, the beautiful and the less so, have an equal shot at happiness and real love with the right person.
Related posts:
“Do pretty girls have it harder?” Umm not usually. And not untypically it's certainly a 'two way street'. they're also looking for the 'pretty boys' who like share in some of their characteristics, issues & problems. That's only part of the central problem here.
The other of course is the supreme tragedy that like, they get paid more 'cause they're prettier, hired more often because of it, liked more for this, (yes, resented for it too), given free gifts just for being 'fabulous', and yeah they seemingly & often age better too. So yeah. Just speaking for my short fat slobbo self (and those of my fellow countrymen), I feel for them. I just can't tell you where.
But No, “Do beautiful women have a harder time finding real love? ” Not anymore than anyone else. It's what they're seeking that's often the problem. If they seek to consistently demand a 'premium' of attention/worship/reward/status/riches Just because they're 'beautiful'? They're going to be often disappointed. As are the rest of us who were/are 'lucky' enough to date a few of these 'high bred' wonders. Then we come to realize that no one's ever mentioned to them about possibly adding any 'value added' features to their pretty faces and/or 'banging' bods. Like high intelligence. Or a cultivated interest in the world around them and serious study of some aspect of this. Perhaps a knowledge and participation in the arts. Some real empathy for the suffering that goes on all around us. This is what makes people truly beautiful. It's the cultivation of things concerning beauty & truth & justice. And truly, beauty w/o brains? Is really boring, just as one might suspect. It gets old very fast. Faster than anyone might suspect too.
But yeah we do not often find this in 20 somethings or even 30 somethings, and so much the mores' the pity for it. So I strongly suspect that things 'even out' as we age. The aging beauties slowly discover the rest of the world & become friendly with more the 'normals' or 'mere mortals'. They let their hair down and come to appreciate life more for what it is and their roles in it. That's when real love can blossom for anyone. IMHO. Cheers, 'VJ'
I hear you, VJ, and I expected this response. I know this does happen, beautiful women expecting to be worshipped and adored. But honestly? I personally know at least a dozen young women who are the whole package: Lovely to look at, smart, curious, funny, interesting, generous. And they're all unattached. It strikes me as bizarre. Of course, they're not alone – many young women who would like to be in a relationship are unable to find one, at least a quality one. But it's been my observation that the real knockouts often get only the kind of attention from men that no woman wants (unless she's walking the streets).
This is generational. You and I did not live through this while young. Women under, say 30, are having a different experience. And that age will keep rising, because, graduating college students are bringing hookup culture with them into post-grad life. Hooking up well into the 20s, and even 30s is pushing back dating, relationships, marriage, for better or worse (one guess one where I weigh in on that one).
I agree with you Susan that the hookup culture has hurt this aging gracefully and normalizing things out. I know that a core group of my older single girlfriends feel that they are now being passed over. Many of these girls would be considered beautiful, but they are now competing with the young 20somethings for the 30 to 40 something men. I'm not sure if it evens out as we age anymore because of this hookup culture. Dating is so impossible IMO regardless of how beautiful you are or you think you are.
I have to say I enjoyed this article and especially agree with the above comments. I think dating is hard for everyone whether you are short, tall, chubby, skinny, blonde or brunette. After watching that short film you posted Susan – I definitely agree with the last girl who was tearing up. I see myself as descent looking gal – I know Im not unfortunate looking but I don't consider myself the most beautiful woman in the world either.
I'm a medical student & last year I had a professor who would single me out in front of the class. He would call me America's Next Top Model rather than my name. In class we were learning how to do patient exams and I was always being called to demonstrate how to exam the male genitalia and always being asked about dieases related to the penis. This was on a daily basis and I began to hate going to class – I kept thinking I'm hear to learn so just ignore all the sexual innuendos. I complained every day to my mom that semester. I tried not to draw attention to myself during class like downplaying my dress or sitting further towards the back…really nothing worked. I remember getting dirty looks from other girls in class and the guys really couldn't care much (of course!). That semester was rough and I did not feel pretty really. Its kindof ashame that people thinks its ok to make inappropriate comments to any girl, maybe they think some girls are use it so its ok. Whatever the reason – I agree with what was said in the article about most players are usually up for the challenge with hot girls – so there is no quality whateversoever & most women want the quality despite their own looks. I guess the saying applys- never judge a book by its cover – even if its pretty!
Ugh, it is so frustrating that when the guys are finally ready for something real, there's a crop of young babes in their early 20s! On the other hand, those women are also saying their not getting any quality attention. Someone's gotta get into relationships if we're going to propagate the species…
I think things may get a bit worse before they get better, but the pendulum ALWAYS swings back eventually.
Skanti, nice to meet you, thanks so much for leaving a comment about your own experience. OMG, that professor is such an asshole! That kind of sexual harrassment is inexcusable. You're smart, a serious student, and you're being singled out in the most demeaning way. How could you possibly feel pretty in that setting – it's exactly like the woman in the film.
You also make another interesting point. Women get envious of each other, and that doesn't help. I do hear of women being excluded by other women in the workplace and in social settings, and I believe it's often because they are very attractive. They don't want the competition. All you can do is make friendships where you can, hope another woman will give you a shot even though you are pretty. It's ridiculous! Dissing a pretty woman is not going to make you any prettier, it's really not going to get you any more guys.
You are so right about not judging people by their looks, one way or the other. We all have feelings and emotional needs.
I know you knew I'd have to weigh in on this. To put an evolutionary spin on it, this is a perfect example of how our consistent, innate evolutionary strategies adapt to a changing environment. It's also a disturbing and stark clarification of a basic concept of natural selection: *Evolution doesn't care if you're happy. It cares if you reproduce successfully.*
The cultural value of long term monogamous relationships has gone down very significantly in the last half-century. In and of itself, this is neither good nor bad. Many women have been liberated in significant ways, and women have more choices now than they've ever had, from full time mom to full time career, and they can accomplish pretty much any of them without social stigma. The price for that is that men have adapted to women's new dating strategies.
The uncomfortable truth about very good looking women is that they are still women, and still likely to follow the female dating strategy, which, as you know, often involves occasional cheating. It's just a sad truth — whether they *want* to be high maintenance or not, beautiful women are offered the moon on a regular basis, and if their men are not keeping up with the hundreds of Joneses, eventually, there's a good chance she's going to like one of the offers more than she likes her man.
Men, being slightly smarter than portrayed on sit-coms, realize that keeping beautiful women (especially in the hook-up culture) is very, very difficult, and many of them automatically put beautiful women in the hookup-only category.
The flip side is that very attractive men make lousy long-term partners, on average. The male drive to have sex with lots of women is just as strong in them as any other man, with the notable difference that they really can pretty much have as many women as they want.
Where it gets really nasty is that both beautiful men and women still have an instinctual understanding of their own worth. A ten knows she can date a ten, and let's be honest — fucking a ten is really exciting, even if you happen to be a ten yourself. Since we've bitten the bullet and admitted that looks do matter, we see the conundrum. A ten will feel like she's “settling” if she dates a stable 5 who isn't going to cheat on her. She'll know she could do better, and every new ten that crosses her path will make her question — “Is he the one genuinely nice ten who would be faithful and stable?”
Of course, this isn't to say that all beautiful people are assholes. Clearly, there are beautiful people who are also very nice. But let's be honest, like when we admitted that looks matter. The more beautiful someone is, the more they can have if they want to take it. Mating *is competition* and it's just not in human nature to try not to do as well as you can. We humans also tend to think of ourselves as “special individuals.” You can see it in the video. We all think we're different from the crowd. We think, “Yeah, I'm a ten, but I'm not like all the other tens. I'm nice and caring and wonderful and smart.” We overestimate our own potential for remaining faithful. Women look at the guys who pass them up because they're too pretty and think, “WAIT! I'm not like the other girls!” The thing is, maybe you're not, but guys, like girls, play an ODDS GAME when dating. The odds are not good for dating a ten, either in getting her in the first place, or keeping her. Most men prefer to go after what they know they have a good chance of getting.
It's natural to take it personally, but not accurate. If you look like other beautiful people who hook up all the time and don't make good long term partners, that's what people are going to think you are. They aren't being mean to you personally. They're just playing the odds. Here's a hint, though. If you're genuinely beautiful, find a way to stand out from the other beautiful people. I rarely, if ever, approach beautiful girls at bars, but if I saw a beautiful woman in the science section of the book store, I'd almost certainly approach her. (In other words, if you want people to know you're not a dumb blonde, prove it.)
Haha, Hamby, I knew you'd weigh in, and I had a pretty good idea what you'd say! (I'm just about ready to start finishing your sentences for you.) I'm really glad you said it. What I really like about your perspective is that you set the conundrum up as a problem to be solved. Which is exactly what it is. You point out the need for a specific strategy, and I love it! And the thing is, most beautiful women don't want to be hit on in bars, because those are the guys who will probably send a disgusting text at closing time. But to be approached in the science section of a bookstore? How romantic! (It's also in keeping with my recent post “How to Find a Great Guy”, which says pursue your interests first, and get out as much as you can doing so.)
I also appreciate getting the male point of view. For example, I never thought of this:
“Men, being slightly smarter than portrayed on sit-coms, realize that keeping beautiful women (especially in the hook-up culture) is very, very difficult, and many of them automatically put beautiful women in the hookup-only category.”
Specifically, I hadn't thought about hookup culture making women more difficult to hang onto from a guy's point of view, but it makes total sense.
So thanks.
Oh my god Susan, I'm just scrolling through and I almost didn't recognize myself. Ha! I'm so flattered. Thanks for the shout out, as always. I'll be blogging about this later … have a lot to say on this topic.
bblove, I would LOVE to hear your views on this topic. When I found this pic on your blog I knew I had to use it. Your appearance vs. your sharing in the universal struggles was just too mind-blowing to ignore. BTW, today's post touches on this theme as well. Maybe you're too perfect!
Terrible advice:
What’s a gorgeous girl to do?
•Bide your time, your day will come.
Congratulations, you've hit menopause and will never be a mother.
•Do not allow yourself to be objectified and used as an opportunity for some player to boast about having nailed you.
Femenists are the worst. If you get the feeling the guy is trying to play you, reject him. If you don't get that impression, don't invite it.
•Focus on friendships first. A guy who cares for you as a friend is less likely to use you, and more likely to develop real feelings.
Push a guy who's attracted to you into the friendzone, he'll hate you for life.
•Be approachable, so that nice guys consider taking a chance. When you like a guy, find ways to let him know that he has a shot.
Approachable gorgeous girl? -> Saved for Christ, or STDs.
Here's real advice: When you're in a sexually charged social environment (bar, party, club), be above it all. Have fun being with you're friends, talking to people, joking around. Don't try to fit in with the bright-eyed prey. If you do, there MUST be something wrong with you.
Instead, be open minded to finding a love interest in situations and places where sex doesn't take precedent (grocery store, chamber of commerce event, blockbuster, DMV). If you act conducive to romance when a guy isn't anticipating it, he is more likely to search for a justification of chemistry than reducing you to game.
Hey Dashiell, thanks for commenting. We always appreciate getting the Y chromosome view around here. You make some excellent points, I do have replies:
1. By saying bide your time, I really wasn't thinking years. What I'm saying is that you are going to draw lots of douchebags, and if you are in a hurry to find someone, you are likely to engage in wishful thinking and waste time on an unworthy guy. It can be very, very difficult to tell a good guy from a jerk early on. Jerks have a way of being really attentive and sweet until they score the touchdown (doesn't apply to PUA types, obvs.) So what I mean here is take a deep breath, dial down the anxiety, and let things proceed naturally. But your point is well taken. Women wait too long all the time, and then fertility becomes a major problem. We were designed to procreate by the age of 13, so delaying a full 25 years is very risky.
2. First of all, using the word objectify doesn't signal my political leanings. And as I stated above, women are not very good at getting the feeling a guy is trying to play them. If they were, it wouldn't happen so much. How does one invite a guy to play them? How does one prevent it, or “not invite it?”
3. I'm not suggesting pushing a guy into the friend zone. What I have seen work very well is a situation where the girl is super hot, the guy not as hot. He doesn't make a move, b/c he knows he is not in her league. But he is happy to be part of her circle, her crowd. As she gets to know him, if she likes him (because women select men on a variety of qualities, not just looks) she can signal her interest. The second he thinks he has a reasonable shot he takes it. He can't believe his good fortune. She must work to convince him she really likes him. The end.
4. Re being approachable, see above. You're wrong about beautiful women not being approachable. Guys think that women will only go for a less hot guy if he has money or status. Not true. I've seen girls get really into guys without either, because they looked for and found other qualities in him. Like humor, self-confidence, kindness, intelligence, creativity, loyalty in relationships. Guys don't want to believe this. They think the Beta has no shot. Wrong. Game won't get you anything real. Being real will get you something real. By the way, because casual sex is so readily available, most guys with options are more reluctant to commit. This scarcity of relationship opportunities means that women (even beautiful women) will have to cast their nets wider. Hence the increasingly popular term: Boyfriends are ugly.
Your real advice is right on. I've written about the best way to meet new people (see How to Find a Great Guy) – it's to pursue your own interests, get out of the house as much as possible, maximizing your number of interactions per day. And take that cell phone off your ear. We're on the same page there.
Hey Susana,
I really appreciate your response to my post. I apologize if it had been a little crass. I didn't take time to read more than this article before posting my response to those four points of advice.
To touch on your first response, with regard to waiting, I find it very interesting that you acknowledge the biochemical preconfiguration of women (girls) to be hormonally and reproductively active mid-puberty. This could be the subject of a very interesting article, as I forsee the politicization of 'age of consent' and 'gap between childhood and adulthood' culminating in a pervasive societal dialogue, drawing upon human biology, the history of marital conventions, zoology of human-like species, agency of young adults, and of course countered with just as many arguments and evidence points around nuclear family politics, socio-religious conceptions of decency, the notion of proper edification and child rearing. Unfortunately I imagine that things will get worse before they get better, with horrendous stories of perverse injustices, and the draconic punishment of benign transgressions. Where the chips will fall is anyone's guess.
And to your second point. This one had me excited to reply.
One invites getting played by presenting a fear of getting played with helpless or futile gestures of chagrin.
Let's say a guy talking to a lady, in a sex environment (bar), just picked up on an indication that this lady thinks he's hilarious. This guy is now confident that this lady will giggle through the entire telling of his favorite recollection; he's in the driver's seat, she's on board: he's psyched. Figuring that attraction is not an obstacle at this point (either they are both attracted to one another or have qualities of the nature you mention in paragraph 4), his main focus at this moment is to stroke his ego by eliciting forth her adorable smile (doesn't matter if she's hot or not, we adore making the ladies smile) and he likely has the intention of taking this conversation, evening, night, weekend, relationship, as far as she's willing to go.
Here's where she screws up.
Realizing that she is smitten with this gentleman, the fear of being mistreated or cast aside in favor of the next better thing sets in. Her chin draws in, her gaze down. When he leans in for a kiss, she meekly inquires 'are you just going to use me'?
He is now.
She has just offered herself as available to be used. She has let him know that if his answer to that question is 'of course not, babe' that he can have his way with her any way he likes and then be done with her when he so chooses. And of course the guilt is already diminished because she was the one who set up the expectation of getting used. Furthermore, she has just blown his buzz, having gone from engaging, curious, suspenseful, passionate chemistry to: 'make me a promise of intention for commitment and I'll fold my hand and give you my chips'. BAD.
Alternative ways she should have handled this:
Play him. Ask nothing about him that he doesn't offer to share about himself. Express more interest in filling your drink than any idle conversation. Be the one to guide the night to its final destination (if that is your desire) or be the one to call the night over when and where you say so.
Nothing is going to make that guy more attracted to you than the impression that you were out to use him. One, it indicates that you are somehow interested or attracted to him. You don't even have to let him have a kiss, so long as you acknowledge that he was your consort for the evening. Two, it shows that you can take charge of your own romantic destiny, that you value your time, importance, goals (This also indicates that you don't have a history of being trampled by assholes. Guys HATE getting that impression, and will usually either bail or take up the role of asshole and put you through the shredder once again.) And three, 'she doesn't want some kind of commitment?' is a great quandary to leave him with. You're probably wondering 'won't he think I'm a slut?', and the answer is no. He'll be trying to tell himself 'alright, a lady with no strings!', but what he'll really be dwelling over is, 'why doesn't she want to make something real of this? what am I going to have to do to make her want me? how am I going to be able to prove that we're compatable for the long term?' Now you've got a guy that's going to work for you. Does that mean you're in the clear? no. Does this work 10 out of 10 times? no, especially if you're really having to act to pull it off.
Now, if you're the kind of gal that refuses to kiss a guy until he's made an oath of fealty, there are ways of doing so without setting yourself up for disaster.
Firstly, if you are this type of girl, then you're probably a cock-blocker to guys doting on your friends, and an all-round buzzkill for most things exuberant. But this isn't necessarily the case. In fact, on the other hand, this attitude/behavior should prevent you from being considered a tease (I say 'should' – this behavior doesn't give license to lead guys on) and should establish you as a person to be taken seriously.
It is paramount that you do achieve being taken seriously, as many men will read this prude behavior as mindless enslavement to convention. There are three vehicles of communication that will command a man to take you seriously in this scenario: 1) be blunt (not brusque, but like a cowboy over a spitoon: you're on your time, no one is rushing you, you have your questions, and you're unabashed about expecting answers) 2) be impassioned (fiery, not lugubrious: 'I will cut your balls off' – guys love to hear the ladies threaten violence) or 3) be humorous, which is perhaps the best way to be taken seriously in all walks of life, and in this case it more easily allows for the poise necessary for the first two options to work.
She, “Promise me you'll never cheat on me with your secretary.”
He, shocked, and confused, “What!?”
She, “I'm serious, no necking, no spanking. Nothing.”
He, “I don't even have a secretary.”
She, “Someday you will.”
He, “Well, yeah, I suppose I might somehow. Ok, fine.”
She, “Promise me.”
He, “Alright, I promise. I'll never cheat on you. I don't know why you'd think I'd be the kind of guy-”
She, “You had better not. I swear I'll cut your fucking balls off.”
And there we are, a romance is born. And believe it or not, this could be a first encounter exchange. And if you think her phrasing this joke having set up the expectation that they were likely to spend their lives married together would send him running, you're wrong. It hints at a confirmation that she takes him seriously as a candidate for the long term (or that he would have to be for a chance at getting anywhere, and many of us are happy to play by those rules), but it can also be taken as an anecdotal setup for a joke that clearly seeks to be taken seriously as a 'you had better not screw around' statement, and in no way suggests that she expects to rush in to marriage. (PS – if you try using this dialogue and the guy accuses you of wanting to marry him, take it and run with it; doesn't matter which direction, but if you don't have something funny or pithy to follow up with, the situation could turn around on you pretty quickly).
The point and purpose of this exchange is that the next time cheating pops into Guy's head, and inevitably it will (whether he has any intention of committing the act or not, it is a thing that occurs to people) this exchange, and her subsequent threat, will quickly come to mind, and it will occur to him that She is a cognizant, participating party in this bond, and hopefully – my thought – he will think to respect her, for her agency, her humor, her contribution, and her threat of cutting off his balls.
Bottom line, do not plead, that is asking to get trampled. And a direct demand is only a step up if he thinks you're intelligent (humor = direct + intelligent). My advice would be to avoid the expectation of adultery entirely, and if you must address it, use one of the three vehicles mentioned above.
3. I'm sorry, but I disagree. I have heard enough women tell me that they 'know whether or not [they] would ever want to sleep with a guy in the first thirty seconds' that there must be some validity to it. And I believe this truth contributes a lot to the etiquette of introduction and is one of the underlying purposes of immediate displays of wealth and refinement (poise and rolex), but that is another topic.
Ladies are welcome to play hard to get. However, indicating a desire to cultivate a friendship is a grave insult to man that wants to make you his. Plenty of men are spineless enough to endure this charade, but Hollywood has made this form of relationship appear a lot more passionate, inspiring, and hopeful than it really is.
The hypothetical that you provide… I'm trying to wrap my head around it, but honestly, I can't. A guy that 'can't believe his luck' being able to retain the attraction of some super-hot lady – who is 'league' hot, which is a very different thing from super-hot on its own, as 'league' hot would indicate that she, he and others are aware of the value of her hottness – simply doesn't make sense. For, if she is one to recognize the value of her attractiveness, then an enduring attraction to man who lacks confidence in himself, requiring that she PROVE she really likes him, is hard to fathom. I mean, is this guy some sculptor working for an NGO who happened to find the cure to this lady's mother's degenerative disease? Even if that were the case, where is his confidence then? Why can't this guy at least trust in the chemistry between them? This story ends with her getting snatched up by a proper alpha capable of communicating that her affection is appreciated and reciprocated without giving way to weakness.
4. They 'LOOKED FOR and found better qualities in him'? Well, I think I've made it obvious that I am no fan of idealism, and the notion that anyone seeks out qualities in others to be attracted to is certainly idealistic. However, I do subscribe to the notion that women can be moved by qualities that are not physical-attraction-oriented. After all, aesthetic appeal is not our strongest suit on the overall. Nonetheless, advocating that men 'be real' is a cop out. Being 'real' can mean different things at any given moment. Most men have a conception of what it means to be charming, and most men will try. Unfortunately, often times you will see a failed attempt at charm mercurially descend into bitter invectives, as many men do not take well to rejection, and that IS being real, and it is very unattractive.
As for your allegedly popular term 'boyfriends are ugly', propagating such an outlook would be terribly corrosive to womankind's self-esteem, which in turn would lead to more 'readily available casual sex' and, of course, even more reluctant men. “I don't want to be ugly.”
I look forward to reading more of you work. Thank you once again for your reply.
Dashiell, that is awesome! There is so much good stuff here, I'm gonna tell you right now that I'm going to rip it off and use it. Love, love, love the male point of view. Your advice on how not to get played is priceless. My only objection, and it is a big one, is that these techniques are so artificial, so contrived. As a marketing person, I'm willing to acknowledge the effectiveness of the message, but honestly, can't we ever just let our hair down and relate to each other? I'm a big proponent of strategy, but I'm exhausted just reading your recommendations, valid though they seem.
Re #3, it's true that there are some men that have it made sexually within 30 seconds. But the nature of woman is such that her attraction can grow as she becomes acquainted with a man and sizes him up. Because we are not utterly beholden to the good looks piece, we often get the hots for a man as we get to know him better and discover other qualities in him. I am 100% sure about this. I have seen this happen many, many times. The message to men is: you may know you want to bang someone right away. She may not be sure. You need to invest time to relate to her on an emotional level – that is where her sexual desire will come from.
Finally, I'm not suggesting that “Boyfriends are ugly” become the new slogan of young women everywhere. It's just something I've heard from young women, and guess what? They're willing to consider it! Honestly, women may be biologically programmed to want Alpha, but we are very torn. Betas can be such good boyfriends, and that's what we want more than anything else.
You may be interested in my new post, which explains how the Pill is tilting women increasingly toward choosing Beta. Interesting research.
Dashiell, I know well how time consuming it is to leave a thoughtful and lengthy replay. I appreciate your effort, thoughtfulness and articulate explanations a great deal. As a woman, I NEED to know what men are thinking in order to give any advice that's worth a damn. I need both sides of the story. So thank you.
I get so many vulgar comments/requests from men.. I started to think it was because I looked like an easy lay. The nicest guy I've ever dated was one I met when I was over weight for a little while. Recently, I lost more weight and have gotten much more male attention.. even was stopped on the street a few times. Yet, the men always end up asking me for 'pictures' or talk about how they want to take me from behind or whatever. It's perplexing. I can totally empathize with this article. Also, it's not necessarily easier, especially as an attractive woman, to get better jobs or promotions. It's assumed that I'm probably not very intelligent or not taken seriously for some reason.
Nicole, thanks so much for leaving a comment. From reading this post and the comments, you know that you aren't alone. One thing that happens, I think, is that when a guy encounters a girl who he knows is way out of his league, he has nothing to lose by being rude to her. He knows he can't attract her with conventional lines, so he goes for broke. I can't imagine it ever works, but who knows.
It's interesting to hear you bring up the issue of weight. I have heard from women before who feel uncomfortable with a lot of overt male attention as they just walk around, etc. Putting on weight, dressing down, and so on is one way of giving really pretty women some anonymity.
You also make an interesting point about the workplace. Beautiful women are much more likely to be harrassed or objectified. If you look like Madeleine Albright, for example, you can go about your work without sexual tension getting in the way.
Nicole, thanks so much for leaving a comment. From reading this post and the comments, you know that you aren't alone. One thing that happens, I think, is that when a guy encounters a girl who he knows is way out of his league, he has nothing to lose by being rude to her. He knows he can't attract her with conventional lines, so he goes for broke. I can't imagine it ever works, but who knows.
It's interesting to hear you bring up the issue of weight. I have heard from women before who feel uncomfortable with a lot of overt male attention as they just walk around, etc. Putting on weight, dressing down, and so on is one way of giving really pretty women some anonymity.
You also make an interesting point about the workplace. Beautiful women are much more likely to be harrassed or objectified. If you look like Madeleine Albright, for example, you can go about your work without sexual tension getting in the way.
Yes Pretty girls IMO have it harder. All my life I've been told how beautiful I was, smart and funny. I'm 27 years old and I am still single. I honestly don't know what guys want. I'm attractive, smart and well educated and I am not a conceited bitch. I just don't know!
Hi lisamg, thanks for leaving a comment. As you can tell from my site, and the other comments, you are not alone. For beautiful women, I think being perceived as approachable and attainable is key. But it's important to focus on the right guys. You know exactly how to identify a player, and you should avoid him at all costs. There are lots of great men out there who want love and a real relationship. But you are never going to find one in a bar trying to hit on women. You've got to figure out a way to get out there and interact with more people overall, and different kinds of men specifically. Too many women waste their youth and beauty on douchebags!
Thanks for directing me to this post, Susan! I agree with lisamg. To me, it seems like when I don't dress up & look pretty (no makeup, sweats, rainboots), I get hit on by guys that I'm totally not interested in — the checkout guy, random homeless man on the street, etc. And when I look halfway decent, the assholes descend upon me. I JUST THIS SECOND got a random text from a guy saying: I hope Santa got you some naughty lingerie. I don't know him that well. It's completely inappropriate. This is a guy who thinks I'm “really hot” by his own admission & who has acted gentlemanly in the past toward me when we've gone out in groups with friends. It just sucks when it always comes back to sex. We both have an ivy league degree, I have worked in the same job he does in finance so he knows I'm a capable person and we get along great personality wise, but yet, all I represent is a great lay. It's really frustrating.
Ugh! That text! Look, men have always been interested in sex and always will be. That's fine. But I hate it that they show so little respect for women, objectifying them in this way. So many women get a lot of the wrong kind of attention from men. No woman wants to walk down the street and be ogled by strangers.
The really awful thing is, these tactics must work at least some of the time. This guy must find that he gets a lot of sexy texts back when he says that kind of thing. Women need to demand more respect, and punish guys who don't offer it.