The Cost of Always Holding Out for Something Better
Brett and Kate McKay write The Art of Manliness, a successful personal development blog that is tailored to men, but contains many excellent, thoughtful articles that I enjoy. Recently, they wrote about a general condition of restlessness and anxiousness in our society, a sort of general malaise. They define it as feeling like there’s this great life you should be living but you just don’t know how to make it happen. Or that your life is generally going great and you’re doing the kind of things that you want to do, but you just have this sinking feeling that maybe you’re missing out on something.
I do believe there’s an epidemic of this sort of dissatisfation. Research shows that in 1966 only 9% of people polled agreed with the statement, “I feel left out of things going on around me.” In 1986, 37% of people felt that way. It’s especially true in the area of relationships. Many young women I know feel that they’re unusual in feeling dissatisfied with hooking up, and that everyone else’s hookups lead to great relationships. In fact, most women I hear from feel dissatisfied, and while hookups do lead to relationships sometimes, many of those relationships are not great by a long shot. For men, studies on college campuses show that guys estimate that 75-80% of men on campus have had sex within the last month, when the real number is in the 5-10% range. We tend to believe the grass is greener for everyone else.
Why do we feel this way?
We’re constantly exposed to media that portrays unrealistic relationships. Happy endings have always been good for book and movie sales aimed at women, but in today’s world of commitment-free sex, the happiness must be won after an intense struggle. The girl is initially disappointed, then gets the guy after he’s undergone a change of some sort, an epiphany in which he surrenders to the wonders of true love and chooses her. These are the stories we’ve been raised on, and they make us believe that everything will work out for us in the end. We’ll bump into some adorable guy with a cute butt and three days’ growth, and he’ll say, “Wow! I have to know you!” Men see porn, where the women always say yes, make no demands, and are easy to please. They fantasize about being with an incredibly beautiful sex goddess, though they’ve never actually met one. Of course, women and men do meet, hook up, have relationships, fall in love. But not the way it happens in chick lit or porn. Very few of us live stories that will be optioned for a film someday. The reality pales by comparison.
If we are dissatisfied due to the gap between our expectations and reality, it stands to reason that we can only become content if we can figure out a way to close that gap. In a new post today, the McKays suggest that the cure for restlessness is to be found in limiting one’s choices. That’s a scary thought for most of us. Why would we ever want to limit our choices? If I have ten guys to choose from, aren’t I much better off than if only one guy is interested in me? Not necessarily. Because when you have ten to choose from, choosing one means rejecting the other nine. And what if one of those nine is actually a better catch? This is known in economics as “opportunity cost.” You get one guy, but give up nine, and that feels like a net loss. So you dither and waffle and screw things up while you remain indecisive.
The McKays state, “Choices are good, but there’s comes a point of diminishing returns. And that point is reached when the opportunity costs become so great that you cannot enjoy the choice that you make. The accompanying trade-offs haunt you and rob you of taking satisfaction in your chosen course. Unwilling to deal with potential trade-offs, many men decide the best course is not to choose at all, with the idea that keeping as many options open as possible offers the most freedom and the most happiness. But as intuitive as that might seem, studies show that it just doesn’t work that way.”
Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice, says:
What could create larger opportunity costs than choosing one mate and losing the chance to enjoy all the attractive features of other potential spouses? Whereas delaying marriage and avoiding commitment would seem to promote self-discovery, this freedom and self-exploration seems to leave many people feeling more lost than found.
The McKays believe that when confronted with the numerous choices of life, men feel restless and believe that the cure to the problem is more freedom and choices. “Thus they detach themselves from their commitments. But this only creates more choices in their life, which makes them feel more restless and the cycle continues.”
This has enormous implications for relationships. Men frequently refuse to commit to one relationship because they don’t want to limit their choices. Often they will be in the midst of spending time with and enjoying a particular woman, and don’t have any other opportunities to consider. Still, they are eager to remain uncommitted on the off chance that a better alternative will soon present itself. In an era when it’s not difficult to hookup with strangers, that better option may be only a weekend away. Of course, he won’t commit to that woman either, and on and on it goes.
Women fall into a variation of the same trap. We meet a guy, enjoy his company, want to like him. But we find we just can’t make it happen. He may have lots of good qualities, but he’s not the catch we dreamed of as we watched The Notebook again last weekend. We want an all-consuming, passionate love, but how many couples do you know like that? How many couples have been brought together by a powerful romantic destiny? In my own life, I don’t know any. I know many happy couples, but they’re not storybook relationships. They’re imperfect, messy, real and rewarding.
How can we productively limit our choices without giving up the best ones?
“Define your core values, understand what you really want out of life, and then focus only on the choices that fit those parameters.”
You probably can’t have it all, but if you live your life fearing regret and missed chances, you may look back one day and wish you’d given one of those people a shot. That may be the only “What if?” that counts.
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Excellent article. I was just thinking about this the other day. I am always feeling left out of something. I never really know what I'm feeling left out of. I do blame Facebook and Twitter, though. I think that they always make me feel that something better is going on. I choose not to do many of those things, but still always wondering if I'm making the right choice.
I never even thought of it in terms of guys. I seem to always choose just one or two. I like to think of myself as selective and also just don't see the point of going after lots of different guys. I do think that I have fallen victim of the there is something better around the corner with my hook ups. The most horrible guy from last winter springs to mind on this one. It is just a never ending cycle and you think that something is going to one day click. The reality is that back in the day people were more content (which is different then happy) maybe it is because they had less choice, but I think they were also ok with the reality that life isn't always so perfect and that you don't always have to be happy you just have to be OK.
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I agree, Meg. We have so many choices and conveniences now that we take for granted. It's pretty amazing to think about how people lived centuries ago, when life expectancy was around 45. Also, tools like Facebook and Twitter enable us to put a good spin on everything. We say positive things, we post photos of ourselves having the best time ever. We know our own presentation isn't 100% accurate, but we assume that everyone else's is. It makes us feel crummy.
I do think guys are more likely than girls to avoid commitment in case something better comes along. Women are more likely to seek commitment, but worry that the guy standing right in front of them doesn't measure up to the ideal of Prince Charming. Which, of course, he doesn't. But he does have the advantage of being real.
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I love limiting my choices. I prefer shopping at the small grocery store than at the one with the giant wall of bread. So many bad breads, so little time. I mean, super inefficient. Many of my choices are already limited because of my environmental leanings, my vegetarian diet and my budget. I find this a delightful challenge.
I think its OK to find one bread you love and eat it for the rest of your life. But that does go against our culture these days where we are supposed to try new things until we are worn out.
Yep. And I've been saying this for years about the 'Paradox of Choice' It simply is much too confusing for too many folks out there. But in parallel with this is the general trend that I call 'the revolution of rising expectations' and this affects mainly women too.
Simply put, we've managed to create the best educated, most independent and most fulfilled career oriented generation of young women ever. We're all justly proud of all these unprecedented accomplishments & hard work from these gals, but it does have real implications. Delayed marriage is clearly one, as is a marked higher salary than previous generations or even current guys competing for some of the same jobs. Delayed marriage is not all bad mind you, but it does dramatically foreshorten the period when you need to be 'looking seriously' for a committed, worthy partner. Educated women now come into the 'marketplace'/ dating scene with newly enhanced Higher expectations about what they're now seeking in a potential spouse or even LTR.
So much of the problem of choice comes in that 2nd descriptor of course 'worthy'. There's plenty of guys willing to commit. Yes there are. There are a much smaller subset of guys who are deemed 'worthy' for one reason or another. And mostly? For the 20 something set? This still can often be something awfully superficial like height, or other bodily forms that are unlikely to change. Study after study has confirmed for example that women tend to go for the 'taller' guys, which means that all of those beneath the 'normal' height curve of perhaps 5'8-5'9″? Probably more than half the population of 'likely prospects”? Yes, they might just get rejected out of hand. For years perhaps too. How many times have we seen the admonition in ads that say, no one under 6'? And we're just dealing with the 'commonly shared' prejudices here.
Much like the article describes, everyone wants & thinks they're fully deserving of the well employed, rich & generous, handsome, tall, dark & fit & athletic dude with the fine family & Ivy League education, brilliant career & sterling personality who deeply desires to start a family, and who's really never been married Somehow. And who's dearly in love with Just you, (with no one on the side), and has no real significant 'baggage' to speak of. Yeah. The complete romantic fantasy that's been sold to women since, well almost since the dawn of the Romantic Age some 400 ya. Which of course was all about Romance & women & romance with women on their own terms & reflecting their own desires. Such that they could be determined or discerned at such early dates. Without too much Science & all.
So what have we added for our age? Just More. The guys should be exquisitely sensitive to every need or desire, expressed or imagined or implied. (Just like the 'heroes' in the new spate of 'Vampire Novels!') They should be brooding artists in always in deep contemplation, but big on self denial in all parts of the bedroom, (or perhaps simple animals when they can no longer resist), very successful businessmen in the light of day, but always lovingly cheerful husbands and fathers with plenty of extra time to dote upon and cook, clean & care well for his children upon arriving at home by 6-7PM sharp.
So in perhaps over 400 years of development, we've only added acres of accretions of ever more expectations to the prospective 'ideal mate'. For women, this makes their natural 'pickiness' ever more problematic, for the guys, it's just ever more confusion & loss. They'll never quite measure up to these now wildly outlandish Romantic but now 'normative' expectations from some women. Which is why we'll probably see the largest unmarried cohort of our history in today’s' 20-40 something’s. They know the mere 'humans' will never quite measure up, so they prefer to live in & with their collective fantasies. It's much less hazardous that way, and they need not explain their preferences, likes & dislikes to another human again after a certain age. So perhaps we can see a future of a generation of happily withdrawn hermits who use technology to feed & entertain their thwarted romantic desires, but never quite fulfill them. They'll be wistful perhaps, (and sexually self satisfied too), but they'll always imagine that they're not missing much from what little 'samples' they've encountered down through the years. 'Doesn’t anyone read literature anymore?' She'll sigh. 'Can't she even listen to 2 min or such of some Metal band without demanding to be taken home?' he'll wonder.
The answers to both questions are of course NO. And despite this, it never prevented their parents or generations of prior parents from meeting & mating & happily or not 'staying together' for the duration. Or however long it was found to be 'durable'. What's so difficult about this to understand? Still wondering… Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'
I LOVE the bread analogy! So true. I never know what on earth to do at the giant wall of bad breads. So bread becomes a Whole Foods purchase, where the choices are limited and expensive. But at least it's real food, and delicious.
Well, that's a grim prospect. Yes, people will continue meeting and mating, perhaps feeling all the while that sense that “something's missing.” But it's not a foregone conclusion; we can increase our own self-awareness, correct our own prejudices and make ourselves happier in the process. At least those of us who read Personal Development blogs can
Well, that's a grim prospect. Yes, people will continue meeting and mating, perhaps feeling all the while that sense that “something's missing.” But it's not a foregone conclusion; we can increase our own self-awareness, correct our own prejudices and make ourselves happier in the process. At least those of us who read Personal Development blogs can
Well we're there now. And the something's that's been missing? It's called Life. Turn off the TV, put down the games, put your big boy/girl pants on and Go Outside & Engage it while you can, before you grow too feeble to forget what it is to Live. Stop whining about your lot in life & woe is me & go out & help someone, somewhere. Volunteer. Be useful to your community. They've been looking for you & your participation. Show UP, Finally! Cheers, 'VJ'
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Hear, hear, I'm a big proponent of Going Outside. “What good is sitting alone in your room? Come to the Cabaret.”
Well we're there now. And the something's that's been missing? It's called Life. Turn off the TV, put down the games, put your big boy/girl pants on and Go Outside & Engage it while you can, before you grow too feeble to forget what it is to Live. Stop whining about your lot in life & woe is me & go out & help someone, somewhere. Volunteer. Be useful to your community. They've been looking for you & your participation. Show UP, Finally! Cheers, 'VJ'
Hear, hear, I'm a big proponent of Going Outside. “What good is sitting alone in your room? Come to the Cabaret.”