How to Boost Your Self-Confidence With the Opposite Sex
Another Friday and hopefully all you singles have big plans for the weekend. It’s autumn, and I always feel that there’s a sense of possibility in the air at this time of year. It’s the season for getting cozy, so how about meeting someone new? At the blog Life After College, guest blogger Ryan Stephens shares his #1 Theory to Enhance Your Dating Life. Ryan manages a list of the Top 10 Gen Y Blogs at Ryan Stephens Marketing, but here he gets personal:
“I’m not a serial dater, and I don’t sleep with countless women, but I have my own dating strategy – one that has worked for me on numerous occasions – and I’ve probably had more luck “dating up” (girls more attractive than me) than I should have. Also, everyone (both male and female) that I’ve shared this strategy with has increased their “luck” as well. What follows won’t necessarily work 100% of the time for everyone – but if your current approach isn’t getting you the results you want, hear me out.”
He calls it the Pretend You’re In a Great Relationship Strategy.
“If every night that you go out to the bar, coffee shop, grocery store, art gallery, etc. you pretend you’re in a relationship it immediately takes away all the apprehension. Instead of being nervous and trying too hard to impress the opposite sex you relax, be yourself, and let everything develop naturally.”
I think Ryan’s onto something here. So often we hear that we should just be ourselves, or love ourselves so that someone else can love us too. I’m guilty of having thrown out those platitudes from time to time. The problem is, you can’t be yourself unless you feel comfortable, and very few people feel comfortable when trying to attract someone of the opposite sex. Telling someone “Don’t worry, just be yourself” is not practical advice. Pretty soon they’re worrying about why they can’t do a better job of just not worrying. Ryan’s post (with examples) is well worth reading.
Using Your Newfound “I’m Taken Approach”
Pretend you’re in a solid relationship when engaging with the opposite sex and you’ll have significantly more luck.
- Oh my gosh he didn’t call. Who cares?
- She blew me off after I bought her a drink. Duh. And why would you buy another girl a drink if you’re in a relationship anyway? (Buying girls’ drinks is a lame strategy.)
- He was a great dancer, why didn’t he try to kiss me? He was probably scared. Your imaginary boyfriend will kiss you when you get home.
- I can’t talk to her, she’s a 10. You can talk to anyone you want without getting nervous because you’re already in a great relationship.
What’s brilliant about Ryan’s approach is that it comes from his intuitive understanding of a concept that is central to sports psychology: “Anxiety impacts performance.” In their book Essential Readings in Sport and Exercise Psychology, Daniel Smith and Michael Bar-Eli define self-confidence as “the belief that one can successfully execute a specific activity, rather than a global trait that accounts for overall performance.” In other words, what matters is how you feel in that moment at the plate, the starting line, the 30-yard line. It’s not about having a self-confident personality that carries you through all of life successfully. It’s about getting psyched up for the challenge you face right now.
Ryan’s technique is essentially a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), an approach to making people feel more comfortable by giving them techniques to use in confronting their fears. The idea is that when you put yourself in challenging situations and take risks, you are increasing your exposure to your fears and giving yourself practice in handling them. CBT is an extremely effective approach, and the beauty of it is that it works quickly; people don’t go into therapy for months on end, but often see positive results within a matter of weeks. You might try Ryan’s approach and find that it makes a big difference very quickly.
By going out and acting the part of a male who’s taken, Ryan eradicates any feelings of desperation and increases his desirability.
“If you’re anything like me, you know that you get hit on way more often when you’re actually in a relationship. Why do you think that is? It’s because you’re happy, you’re smiling, and you’re not stumbling over your words or acting fidgety.”
One more important point:
“Unlike most “gaming techniques” this isn’t about manipulation or playing games with someone else’s emotions. It is about playing a game with yourself. You ARE that person, you’re just employing a mindset that allows you to relax instead of getting nervous, uptight, and stumbling over your words. You’re not being a phony, you’re empowering yourself to let things happen.”
This is crucial. Playing games to mess up someone else’s head is never OK. Employing a technique to foster your own development is totally legit.
What do you think? Have you done this before? Do you have other ways of dealing with feeling nervous around the opposite sex?
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@Susan – Thanks so much for sharing my post with your readers. I found your additional commentary to be a valuable supplement for your audience. One commenter on the original mentioned in using this strategy you were lying to yourself. To an extent, he's certainly right, but I love that you noted that just telling someone to be more confident isn't always the best advice. It's like telling an overweight person to eat less.
This technique gives people something tangible to grasp to until they get their feet under them and attain some momentum. The sports psychology example you share is a great one, and there's plenty of other literature out there to support the fact that you can definitely manifest your thoughts into success. I also completely agree with your points re: CBT. And thanks for emphasizing, at least for me, what the most important point of the entire post was.
Thanks again for sharing!
Ryan, my pleasure! I'm glad you approve, yay. I totally disagree that your technique constitutes lying or deception of any kind. We all play roles in our lives, and they're always changing and shifting. Your idea is about PRACTICING a certain mindset. I can't imagine anyone objecting, since no one gets hurt, including you! In fact, this is a classic win/win as far as I can tell. And you're so right about momentum–it's really about trying a new approach that will hopefully lead to a new habit.
Congrats on this successful post – I think it will bring you lots of link love! I like your blog, and grabbed your feed. I look forward to reading more.
Hi Susan! Just wanted to stop by and say how much I LOVED your write-up as well. Ryan's idea sparked some great conversation, and I really enjoyed the extra layers you added – particularly the sports performance analogy (and how perfect for Ryan too!). I'm really enjoying your blog and look forward to reading future posts
[...] Susan Walsh also extracted parts of the post for her audience at Hooking Up Smart. She supplemented the post nicely with her own commentary including excellent parallels to sports [...]
Definitely, definitely, definitely.
Something you didn't mention is that acting like you're in a relationship adds mystery. Women wonder (I'm taking it from the male perspective, of course) if you do or don't have somebody. Especially if you're in an environment where some people know you… maybe the bartender, or whatever, it adds to the mystery. Everybody *says* you're single, but why do you act like you're taken?
Hey Jenny! Wow, I discovered LifeAfterCollege.org today from a Google Alert, and I am so glad I did! You have a great site, and your About page pretty much knocked my socks off. You have really, really got it going on! Good for you. Thanks so much for your kind words. Ah, one of the things I love most about blogging is meeting other cool bloggers. I too look forward to spending time on your blog!
So true! Mystery is powerful. The truth is, none of us likes a sure thing. It is enjoyable and titillating to WONDER about someone. A mystery is a puzzle to be solved. By the way, the movie The Sure Thing is a good one, starring a young John Cusack. He hitchhikes across the U.S. to have sex with a girl who is always willing. When the moment arrives, she asks in dark, “Do you love me?” He later writes in a school paper:
“Do you love me?' Staring into her eyes he knew that she really needed to hear it but for the first time in his life, he knew these were no longer just words and if he said it, it would be a lie. 'Do you love me?' she whispered. 'Do you love me?' It would not be tonight. The answer was no.”
Classy guy.
Susan, like I said… great advice!! xo susan
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Awwww, thanks! I really appreciate your professional blessing!
I have a hard time pretending – I kind of wear all my emotions all over my face All The Time. But I do know when I do go out with friends and I have no intention of meeting someone, I always get hit on. Whereas I usually don't.
I will try this with my job search though – I do tend to get a note of desperation on my tone when it comes to hiring me. HIRE ME. ahem. see?
Susan thanks for sending me to two great blogs.
I think it comes down to just not looking. If you are pretending to be in an awesome relationship you kind of have admitted that you aren't searching for anything. When you take the pressure off of having to find the person you are bound to find something. You even open yourself up to finding something you weren't expecting to.
[...] View post: How to Boost Your Self-Confidence With the Opposite Sex | Hooking … [...]
Haha, hmmm, I think HIRE ME could be a pretty sweet job search strategy; not desperate, just I AM PERFECT FOR THIS JOB. Either way, though, it does boil down to having, and showing, self-confidence. It's a very effective sales tool!
Exactly! And, yes, those are great blogs. Ryan Stephen's list of great Gen Y blogs looked very interesting…
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