20 Reasons You Don’t Have a Boyfriend

lonely womanManolith, a men’s lifestyle online magazine, recently ran the article 20 Reasons You’re Still Single. I was delighted to learn that there are apparently a significant number of men who want a relationship and need advice. The piece addresses a wide range of typical male weaknesses, including questionable hygiene, douchebaggery and being “too nice.”

One of the premises of Hooking Up Smart is that in general, men are more interested in sexual variety than women, and therefore less interested in committed relationships. Individual preferences fall within a spectrum, but current relationship and cultural dynamics can be said to favor the male. Women need to be smart and strategic if they want to secure and maintain a satisfying relationship.

Many contributing factors have created “hookup culture,” where physical intimacy precedes emotional intimacy, which may or may not develop. While the odds may be against committed relationships, there are some happy couples to be seen around. Even at college, that Happy Hookup Hunting Ground, you see couples walking hand in hand. It happens.

Is it a matter of luck? Right place, right time? Or are there women who have a knack for bringing out the boyfriend in guys? None of us can control luck or timing. We can present our best physical selves by taking care of ourselves and taking pride in our appearance, but we can’t mess (much) with the genetic hand we’ve been dealt. That’s the bad news.

The good news is that we can control our behavior, and that can change everything! I’m not suggesting that you change to get yourself a man. I’m suggesting that there are certain behaviors that men, as well as discriminating women, find unattractive. In fact, there are certain behaviors that actually telegraph that you are not relationship material. Becoming aware of those behaviors, and getting rid of them, can be very powerful in changing the way that you are perceived.

My 20 tough love reasons for why you don’t have a boyfriend:

1. You’re needy. You met him last weekend, he texted a few times, and now you just won’t leave the guy alone. You went from 0 to 60 in a few days. You’re already planning for next weekend. This is probably the #1 behavior that gets girls labeled psycho in the early days.

2. You like players. You say you want a nice guy, but you fall for the same lines again and again. You can’t resist the bad boys, the ones who have dumped on other women. You think that you will be different, that nabbing a player will validate your feminine powers. But the player always wins, because the player always walks.

3. You’re a princess. You want a man who will proclaim to the world that he is whipped as butter. He will worship the very ground you walk on. Trouble is, the only men who will happily inhabit a one-down position in a relationship have no balls. Do you really want a guy who will eagerly go to a bunch of chick flicks with you? Wouldn’t you rather accompany him to Transformers from time to time?

4. You flirt too much. Flirting is an essential skill in any woman’s toolkit. It is meant to indicate to a guy that you are singling him out for special attention because you are attracted to him. If you flirt like crazy with every Y chromosome you encounter, it loses its effectiveness, and makes you seem “not very choosy.” Also, if you are spending time with a guy but can’t stand the idea of hiding your light under a bushel, he is not going to appreciate your flirting with other men. It makes him look and feel less manly, and awakens unwelcome feelings of jealousy.

5. You’re not in the game. If you’re shy, reserved, or aloof, you are not approachable. Many beautiful women are ignored by guys because the odds of rejection are too high. You also telegraph likely rejection if you hold back. If you find a guy attractive, meet him halfway by signaling your interest with eye contact and a smile. If you know him, pay him some attention.

6. You’re too picky. You want a guy who is well-educated, financially successful, handsome, funny, witty, generous, blah blah blah. You want a 10. Get realistic. How about well-educated, funny and generous? Or handsome and witty, but a poet, i.e. broke? Perhaps financially successful, generous and fun to be with, but never went to college? Keep an open mind when you’re sizing up men. Allow yourself to find the good.

7. You’re a Girl Gone Wild. Stop dancing on tabletops when you’re drunk. In fact, stop getting drunk. Drunk is ugly. No one, male or female, ever became more attractive when they got drunk (beer goggles just fool you into thinking they did). When you are drunk, you say and do foolish things. Step away from the beer pong table. If you wouldn’t do it sober…then you really don’t want to do it at all.

8. You’re ditzy. I once knew a very smart woman who exclaimed at a frat party that she thought Mt. Rushmore was a natural phenomenon. I don’t know why some women love to get all girly and giggly. I suppose it makes them feel sexier, a la Marilyn Monroe. If you’re with a guy who wants his women stupid, you need a new guy. Lose the simpering act.

9. You’re a Mean Girl. Seriously, stop being a bitch. I’ve heard guys speak in awe (and fear) of mean girls, but Chuck Bass is the only guy I’ve ever seen who really wanted to love one, and he’s fictitious. Sometimes, guys want to get with mean girls because they’re powerful, but that relationship isn’t about love.

10. You’re high maintenance. You always feel slighted. He’s always saying and doing the wrong thing. Your feelings are constantly hurt, and he is constantly apologizing. Fighting all the time can be rewarding in the short-term, because it amps up the sexual tension for makeup sex, but ultimately it’s a total boner-killer.

11. You’re aggressive. You act like one of the guys. You pursue, make moves, call the shots. You say that you’re a liberated woman, so you can grab whatever cock grabs your fancy. That will get you laid, but try to remember that it’s the male of the species that got the big dose of testosterone. That male is biologically programmed to seek his complementary opposite – which includes a much larger dose of estrogen. You can be strong, independent, and very, very female.

12. You’re self-absorbed. You talk about yourself all the time. You talk about your ex all the time. You cry on his shoulder all the time when you don’t get what you want. You’re not really giving. You’re not emotionally engaged in a caring and generous way. If you’re not curious about him; if you are not hungry for details about who he is and what he’s into, then maybe he’s the wrong guy. Or maybe you’re the wrong girl.

13. You’re a homebody. You’re not out there meeting new people every day. You are not going through each day looking to interact with and smile at attractive and approachable people. And by the way, get off the cell phone. The adorable guy behind you in line at Starbucks can’t say hi if you’re on your phone, plus he’s hearing you sound like a complete idiot with your BFF.

14. You’re too hard to get. Yes, everyone likes a challenge. No one likes eager or desperate. But employing “The Rules” or some other silly tactic is just going to leave you solo. If he asks you out spontaneously for tonight, that’s a real invitation. If you are interested, accept. A guy’s suggesting a plan on the spur of the moment is not him treating you badly. It’s him expressing an interest in spending time with you. (Obviously, do the opposite of what I say here if it’s a booty call situation.)

15. Your number is too high. OK, fine, you don’t want any guy who cares about how many people you’ve slept with. Problem is….that’s most guys. You don’t have to tell anyone your personal data. Just be aware that when you’re making the rounds within a certain community or group of friends, word gets out fast. I don’t think there has ever, ever been a guy who got laid and didn’t tell anyone about it afterwards. If your number is high and that fact is well known, you have every right to find a new pack of males and revirginate reinvent yourself.

16. You’re flaky. A plan is a commitment. Don’t blow someone off when something better comes along. Don’t ditch him because your friend “really needs you.” Don’t double book yourself. Don’t be late. Don’t get drunk and not show. Women constantly complain that men aren’t reliable, but I’ve seen plenty of women flake out on guys.

17. You’re materialistic. You know what? The best dates are cheap dates. In fact, I think the best dates I ever had were actually free dates. Cooking together. Hanging out. Taking a long walk. I met my husband in graduate school, and he was dead broke. He was paying his own way and had very little money. We’d only been together a month or so when my birthday rolled around. He gave me very inexpensive fun earrings, but what I remember is the card he made. All it said on it was: Head Over Heels. That was the best birthday gift ever.

18. You’re scared. You’ve been burned before. You are understandably wary. This leads you to be withholding. He puts it out there, lays it on the line, and you just can’t reciprocate. You really like him, but you just don’t want to get hurt again. This means he knows up front that he will be the one to get hurt. No guy will stick around to watch that happen. You’ve got to find a way forward. There is no love for any of us without considerable risk, so do what you need to do to work through it.

19. You’re rigid. You have plans for Saturday night, but his buddies are going to a game that night, would Friday be OK? You say, “No, you made plans with me first. And Saturday is date night.” He picks you up and mentions that one of his friends and his gf will be joining the two of you for dinner, if that’s OK. It’s not. You’re miffed that you two won’t be having a night alone. He wants to go to the party, you don’t. You grudgingly agree to go and stay for an hour. After an hour, you want to leave, he’s having a great time. You let him know that an hour’s up and it’s time to leave RIGHT NOW. Being rigid is largely about asserting control. That’s never a winning relationship tactic.

20. You’re a pushover. You put up with all kinds of crap. You allow yourself to be booty called and stood up. You allow him to tease you in a not-affectionate way (comments about your weight come to mind). You allow him to pick fights, and then forgive him for flirting or hooking up with another girl in the two hours you were broken up. If you do not respect yourself, he certainly isn’t going to respect you, and your value in his eyes will tank.

Full disclosure? I’ve been guilty of at least six of these relationship killers, possibly all at the same time. Most of us can relate to at least a couple of them. If you can’t, ask a close friend to give you an honest assessment.

What I have found in my own life is that becoming aware of my behavior allows me to look at it objectively, and to begin to change, or even just “tweak” it.

Try a new approach, and see what happens. Can’t hurt!

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  • Decoybetty

    Well, I am at least three of those things (scare, a pushover, and a homebody)…

  • susanawalsh

    Haha, why am I not surprised those are your three? I think we all have certain tendencies, and the key is to be aware, as I said above, and to correct for them where we can, where it makes sense. Those three together = grow some ladyballs, I think. You are super smart, and funny, and adorable so you are the whole package. But do you know it?

  • hambydammit

    You ought to put “flake” in there twice. If what you're looking for in a man is maturity, you have to put maturity out there. That means doing what you say you'll do, and being honest about what you want and think. I've got a very low tolerance for flakes, and I think most “established” guys do also. If you have to cancel once, I'll call back… in a week or so… to see if you're interested. If you flake twice, I'm not even going to call to tell you I won't be calling again.

    The rigidity thing is a big one, too. I think it's kind of related to being a princess, actually. Let me put it bluntly. You show me the most attractive, smartest, most charming girl in the room, and I'll show you a guy who's tired of her shit. Yes, you're valuable because you're female and you're the selector. But men who are worth having are valuable, too, and they aren't going to put up with your idea that a man's world centers around you at all times, and that you get to dictate when and if plans are allowed to change.

  • http://FT.com/ VJ

    All well & good. I'd reiterate the 'entitlement' sense that gets in the way for Both sexes here, as is way too 'picky'. If you want to be anywhere near successful at this? Keep the requirements & 'must haves' as Low as possible. 'Smart, Kind, educated, moderately successful' will do fine. Want to add to that with 'tall, dark & handsome' and 'fit & trim' and perhaps even 'well off'? Well that's getting into difficult territory, and there's a much smaller pool to draw from. Everyone needs a realistic sense of what's really 'out' there. Many, many people are just broke, especially now. They'll not always be that way, but almost everyone starts out that way, especially nowadays.

    This also grades into the large 'high maintenance' argument. As they say in horse country, being the 'easy keeper', is especially valued by most guys. Having standards is fine. (A 'high number'? Something that can always be lied about successfully too, BTW). But being generally bitchy, aloof & demanding all the time? Something that's really hard to hide, and never is quite attractive in almost anyone. Ditto for being generally 'argumentative' and demanding to get 'your way' no matter what reason, cause or result.

    Again most of these are Personality & perhaps even Intellect based. Believe it or not, this if far more important in the long view than mere 'looks'. In the end? It's all that you've got left. Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'

  • morning_glory

    I'm either 5 or 11!!! I need to find the middle ground. Last week I met a cute guy who has been really nice to me. And I've been kind of “very serious and all-business”. Tomorrow is my last chance to give him a little hint before I stop seeing him everyday and I'm trying really hard to figure out a way to do it in a way that's… I don't know… classy or something like that, hahaha

  • susanawalsh

    Hamby, sounds like you got burned by a flake. I think you're right to link flakiness to maturity, though I don't think people necessarily grow out of it as they age. Flaking out on people is selfish and manipulative, not to mention rude. I agree with your zero tolerance policy.

    I also agree that princesses do tend to be rigid. And yes, an established man is going to get tired of that quickly. Unfortunately, younger men flock to these women, and put up with their shit for longer than they deserve. It's because, as you say, these are often the women who have options, and the youngest guys just can't resist her mouth, regardless of what's coming out of it.

  • susanawalsh

    I do think most of these behaviors are personality based in the sense that women get used to presenting themselves to the world, especially men, in a certain way. They've developed a sense of entitlement, as you say, and a generally bad attitude. But it's never to late to shake things up. I always say, “How's it workin' for ya?” If it's not, back to the drawing board. We can always make a choice to change our behavior.

    I also agree about the Must Have list. I fear that online dating really exacerbates this problem. When you meet someone by interacting with them in person, there's chemistry and pheromones and eye contact and all kinds of valuable opportunties for connection. When you carefully craft a profile to adhere to someone else's idea of Must Haves, and then make a long list of them yourself, it's no wonder people get discouraged after three weeks and give up.

  • susanawalsh

    Haha, how can you possibly be shy and aggressive at the same time? Do you switch back and forth? Yes, definitely look for the middle ground. How about a smart, independent woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to go after what she wants?

    Oh boy. You need to give this cute guy some encouragement. If he's gone out of his way to be nice to you, assume he's interested. Guys don't work hard to cultivate platonic friendships. They just aren't wired that way. So instead of a “little hint,” how about a suggestion that you two hang out sometime? Say, “Bummer, I'm not going to be seeing you much anymore. We should hang out sometime.” That will give him encouragement, but also allows you to hide behind the “just friends” thing if you need to. It's confident, and classy. Gah, good luck!

  • morning_glory

    Yeah, I switch back and forth, haha! Most of the time I just go for it, as you probably have notice, but sometimes I'm just so shy its just dull. Thanks for the suggestion! I'm definitely gonna give it a try :)

  • http://www.thepeachtart.blogspot.com The Peach Tart

    This was great. I’m sending to a couple of friends. I hope you are well.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      Thank you, Peach Tart, same to you!

  • smartduck

    Great blog !
    I really like your insights, hoped that more women would follow them.
    Sometimes I feel amazed how off the target women are about what excites/attracts a man. Women magazines have done so much harm to intergender understanding.
    Men can be attracted two ways:
    1) Erotically for a brief moment. This is what 90% of women try to do. It works for a short time. After some time of awe and passion, the guy starts to evaluate the real woman behind the facade, since he never had a chance to do it from the start. It is like buying a book by the cover, and only start reading it three months later. Of course, if he doesn't like the content, it is over.
    2) By a nice personality. I guess this is much harder for women to do. You can't use lipstick to enhance your talk, or lingerie to be more charming.
    But one thing women should know, is that most men are NOT after a super model for a relationship. If you are not super ugly, a guy will naturally be attracted to you. Just be nice, smart, kind. Be a friend. If you don't get a new boyfriend, at least you have made some human contact and you've got a new friend.
    Men are very lonely creatures, troubled by the strong instinctive visual attraction they have for women's bodies (it is a pain in the ass sometimes), who don't express much their emotions. All they want is a kind, smart, funny female human being to talk to. If you are his kind (and there is a match for everyone) this closeness will fire his desire for you. Naturally.
    Please, ladies, throw away your Cosmo magazines and just be yourselves.

  • susanawalsh

    Smartduck, thanks so much for commenting! You are an enlightened man. (Especially since you reinforce my approach, haha.) I tend to hear from men like yourself here at HUS, and it's so gratifying for my women readers to know you guys are out there.

    And boy are you ever right about Cosmo. The advice is sooooo terrible. They're always suggesting sexual tricks that sound painful! Yet I admit that when I see the headlines at the market, like “The One Question He Wants You to Ask,” it's all I can do not to throw that magazine right on the conveyor belt. They're good at marketing, that's for sure.

    Come back again – I learn a lot from my male readers.

  • tayloramorgan

    I don't seem to be able to find anybody really interested in me . Yet I can say , and I'm not suffering from self delusions that I am not any of those things numbered .
    To be more precise . I am no. 5 but only to people I'm trying to ward off .
    And yes I am picky . But I know what I want , and I don't want to start something that is almost definitely going to end soon after because I dropped my standards and am now dissatisfied with that person. That being said , I don't ignore any man on the basis of his looks alone . But if the personality isn't right or suitable , it's just going to grate on both parties in the relationship.
    I learnt that from not being picky enough.
    I've sounded ditzy . I've said some really stupid and nonsensical things. Never intentionally though. Sometimes impulse just takes hold . Oops. But it hasn't happened very often .
    I've totally been aggressive . But in a way where I assert that I am allowed to have my own opinion . I don't think I've ever made the first move really .
    I probably talk about myself too much . But I'm very caring and generous at the same time .
    I do love my shopping and getting dressed up but I'm a very cheap date . I don't really eat seafood or expensive cuts of meat and I don't drink alcohol . And most of my male friends and all that I've dated in the past have actually told me that they appreciate I'm not : jealous , unreasonable , “golddigger” , easy to talk to ….whatever!
    I'm an attractive woman both physically and personably .
    So what is it that makes me thoroughly undateable ?

  • susanawalsh

    Whoa, taylor, that is a very good question! You do indeed sound like an amazing woman. However, I find it interesting that the only thing you can relate to here is being perhaps too beautiful to be approachable. I mean, maybe you don't identify heavily with any one thing, but we're all guilty of bits and pieces from this list.

    I have to say that many wonderful young women, even beautiful women who you would expect to have a lot of men after them, tell me that they feel undateable. I personally know many young women here in Boston who can identify with that feeling. Hookup culture plays a huge role here – if few men are dating, many women will feel undateable. And of the men who are interested in a relationship, the pickings can feel pretty slim. Unworthy guys, i.e. douchebags, are getting hot girlfriends and treating them like crap because they can. They have the numbers on their side.

    The solution to that problem is a combination of patience, self-discipline and strategy. So keep reading my posts!

  • susanawalsh

    Whoa, taylor, that is a very good question! You do indeed sound like an amazing woman. However, I find it interesting that the only thing you can relate to here is being perhaps too beautiful to be approachable. I mean, maybe you don't identify heavily with any one thing, but we're all guilty of bits and pieces from this list.

    I have to say that many wonderful young women, even beautiful women who you would expect to have a lot of men after them, tell me that they feel undateable. I personally know many young women here in Boston who can identify with that feeling. Hookup culture plays a huge role here – if few men are dating, many women will feel undateable. And of the men who are interested in a relationship, the pickings can feel pretty slim. Unworthy guys, i.e. douchebags, are getting hot girlfriends and treating them like crap because they can. They have the numbers on their side.

    The solution to that problem is a combination of patience, self-discipline and strategy. So keep reading my posts!

  • collegegirl1

    Hi, I too have these problems:

    1. I'm a pushover. I allow myself to be booty called..but I never come over. It's not my fault they text me late..especially when time after time I say I'm not coming over or don't respond. Am I doing something wrong? If I get a booty call, what do I say? Tell him the truth saying I don't do that..or just ignore it?

    2. I feel like if it's 8, 8:30pm and a guy asked what I'm doing tonight and if I'm up for hanging out in his dorm, I think that's a booty call. I mean, he asked me to hang out NOW, not earlier in the day. If I had known earlier, I would have gotten all my work done, but now I have things to do. Don't you think it's ok to say no to that because it's last minute and he probably just wants to hook up?

    3. I like players. They are more interesting than the “nice guys” and I believe I subconsciously like the drama and trying to “figure them out.” I'm going to go into next semester though knowing what the typical lines are (they're all the same) and just ignoring those guys and moving on, talking to other people. I want to fix this because while players are fun for the short-term, they are not relationship material.

    The flirting thing I am confused about. I'm friendly to everyone, but real flirting I do with the one person I am interested in that night. But you (and I”ve heard other people say this before) say you should flirt with every guy for practice and just because it's fun. Maybe you mean be friendly with everyone..and nice..but flirt with people you find attractive and interesting.

  • susanawalsh

    1. You're not a pushover if you don't do the booty call. I don't think you have to go around saying you don't want to be texted. Just ignore the texts at that hour, and pretty soon the guy will get the message. Of course, if hooking up is all he wants, then he may never text again. His loss, not yours.

    2. I think 8 pm is a very reasonable time for a guy to make a plan. In the old days of dating, we wanted a few days notice, but that's not the way you guys roll today. Very, very few guys, especially college age, are making plans early in the day. Also, since hanging out often occurs in groups, guys wait to see what group plans might be shaping up. If a guy wants to hang out alone, 8 pm seems OK to me. Of course he will want to hook up if he can, but that shouldn't be all he wants. If you get to his room, and he's ready to pounce, say no way. He should want to talk, watch a movie, whatever, before trying to make moves.

    3. Everyone is attracted to players. Their supreme self-confidence is a total aphrodisiac. As you've discovered, though, it's a short-term rush that often leaves a pretty bad emotional hangover. There are plenty of nice guys who are confident, though not as confident as players. They're nicer though, much better for relationships.

    4. It depends what you mean by flirting. Being friendly, funny, teasing, etc. is something you can do with everyone. It basically boils down to charm. However, specifically targeting someone with signals that you are interested is much more intense, and should be reserved for guys you are really attracted to. So yes, be friendly and open and approachable with everyone – and you may find that someone you get to know that way becomes someone you want to flirt with more seriously as time goes on.

  • collegegirl1

    Your comments are so helpful and have made me feel so much better about my situations! Are you an expert on this topic or are your columns just from personal (and friend's) experiences?

  • susanawalsh

    Nah, I am a total amateur. Take a look at my About page to get a sense of it, but basically, I have a 20 year-old daughter. When she was in high school, I became aware of just how pervasive hookup culture was, and how different it was from my own experience. I started giving my daughter advice, and when it worked, she came back for more. Then she brought her friends round for advice! Now I have a couple of crews of local girls I see regularly, and a year ago I figured I would start a blog about it. It's been a great experience! And you'd be surprised – a lot of my readers are guys!

  • Pauline

    Guilty to number 5 and 14. What can I do? A natural born introvert. Lolx

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/susanawalsh susanawalsh

      Hi Pauline, thanks for commenting! Get out there and mix it up more! When you see a guy you find attractive, give him 3 seconds of eye contact (the threshold for attraction) and a smile!

  • Nicole

    i am 3 of these things…picky..to hard to get…and aggressive. im aggressive but not in the way a guy gets…i can be very female yet independant and strong lol. picky..not in the sense that the guy has to be absolutely perfect…i just dont go for guys who are losers…i go for guys who have the same values as mine and who actually have a future. and too hard to get..well thats just naturally in my personality..i dont even have to try playing hard to get. i have never been easy..i know i never will be. the reason im not so easy with guys is because…not bc i know guys like a challenge…its bc im guarding my heart..making sure i wont make the same mistake again. this time i want to be completely sure that that one special guy has complete respect love and care for me. also a guy whos funny..good sense of humor. he doesnt have to be a perfect 10..he will be perfect for me. someone whos just like me…i dont go for opposites lol.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      Hi Nicole, thanks for leaving a comment! I understand completely that it’s hard to let your guard down. Just be sure that if you are available, you are sending out those signals. Picky and hard to get can be very discouraging for guys. On the other hand, if you are a bit aggressive, maybe you can make the move when you see a guy you like!

  • Laura

    Im not any of these listed, hard to say, but Im 21 and ive never had a serious bf, I have many friends, and they all tell me im fun, and pretty. Still I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I was ok for a while, but now Im starting to get worried. I do go out a lot, I can talk with a guy, and thats it. I dunno, maybe I need to flirt a little bit more.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      Laura, welcome, nice to meet you! I’m sure that you are fun and pretty – many, many young women your age are in the same boat. There’s a great group of girls and guys here who are regulars and comment – check out the current posts. In a nutshell, it’s very possible that you are fun and pretty, but not DTF, which would disqualify you with many guys, unfortunately.

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  • My name is also Sue!

    Thank you for the article.  Very insightful.

  • My name is also Sue!

    To Laura,
    I  know what you mean, but don’t give up.  keep your head up! When I was your age back in 2005, I wasn’t too desperate. if you are, that’s a no no like she said in her article!

  • http://www.colonzone.org Henway

    I agree with most of the items in this list, especially the lack of curiosity. We want our women to ask us about us.. what makes us tick, what are our goals, what we’re interested in, etc.. we don’t want to just hear about you and your life.

  • Olga

    Yes, promiscuity is not a great strategy for a number of reasons, especially HEALTH. And agreed, if a woman is seeking marriage, a one-night stand will probably not lead to that. Same goes for a guy whose goal is to start a family and ends up having a quicky at a club with some junkie.

    I know what you mean about women having “more to lose” by hooking up at a club than does a guy by hooking up at the same club, under exactly the same circumstances (e.g. bad reputation versus stud reputation) — but that’s because society favors this double standard! And while people like you continue to support it, it won’t change… at all.

    Perhaps men have evolved to TEND MORE towards a short-term mating strategy in order to spread their genes (a man could potentially impregnate 10 women at the same time, but a woman can only be impregnated by one person at a time). However, we’re not cavepeople anymore and the fact that you’re willing to encourage this primitive worldview is a disservice to both men and women.

    By the way, I love men and have nothing against them. I have never treated men badly or used them (and never will). I’m just offended by females who try and condone abusive double standards which don’t really improve people’s lives. To be told that they have an “evolutionary right” to reject any woman who may have a similar number of sexual partners as them (not talking about extremes such as sex workers or women who cannot commit or be faithful) does not help men either. It could make them paranoid about women in general, and give them a sense of entitlement or being “above the law” when it comes to sexuality, which can be anything but positive. It may even prevent him from establishing a relationship with a compatible mate.

    Most importantly, you seem unaware of other studies that indicate that infidelity and casual sex may have been a successful mating strategy for women as well, because it ensured them offspring of high genetic quality (from fitter men) WHILE retaining the protection of a mate or husband whose genetic quality may be lower.

    Listen, I’m NOT defending adultery at ALL. I’m actually quite conservative and would never commit adultery. I’m just trying to make a point that it’s possible to use science to defend highly unethical behaviors. And that’s what you’re doing when telling men that it’s alright to demonize and alienate females for having had a fair number of sexual partners, regardless of context.

    Understand that to encourage men to berate women who are using a similar strategy is akin to defending female adultery on the basis that humanity would be better off if high genetic quality females would pair up with wealthy and/or protective genetically inferior males but allowed themselves to be impregnated by high quality, less relationship-minded males (which is backed up by science as well!!!). Sorry but that is unfair (in this case, to men), unethical, inhumane. Where do I begin? Ditto for your claim that “while males are genetically destined to seek sex as often as possible, they’re also destined to feel contempt toward and reject any female who accepts their advances somewhat quicker.”

    I’d be interested in your definition of what’s too quick because I think context makes everything. For example, a woman who goes to a club to get drunk and hook up. Two hours into partying, she decides to leave to a guy’s apartment (a guy who just walked into the club) is not really the same as, say, a woman who places an ad on match dot com (complete with background check, hobbies, relationship goals) and begins corresponding with someone from a different state, forms some sort of long distance relationship or at least friendship, eventually travels to meet the man, they seem compatible in what they seek, their chemistry grows, so the next time they see each other again they have sex. In my opinion, context is everything. If by any chance, the latter man stopped considering her fit for a LTR, that would be plain wrong because this woman is clearly willing and able to commit (unlike the one at the club) and had time to think about compatibility and such.

    Fine, some women are quite neutral about sex (even view sex as a chore) that it may be a lot easier for them to go on a few dates, click with a partner and still have no sex with them. But contrary to your assertion, not every woman is so “feminine.” And by this I mean hormonally and brain-wise. Have you heard of the 2D:4D ratio? The sign that apparently points to a masculinization of the brain in some females? This masculinization is as far reaching as giving women typically male personality traits as well as thinking paterns and abilities! They tend to excel at math, spatial tasks, be more dominant and have higher sex drives. So this “try to remember that it’s the male of the species that got the big dose of testosterone” does not apply to every female.

    Does that mean that I’m condoning extreme promiscuity (e.g. NSA hookups)? Not in a million years. We’re human beings, not animals. If we can stop ourselves from urinating on ourselves in public (no matter how much we need to), we can also avoid acting irresponsibly when it comes to sex — and this applies to both MEN and women (those with masculinized brains or feminized ones). Some lifestyles are just plain dangerous and AIDS does not discriminate whether you have a God forsaken penis or a vagina.

    Let’s all be responsible but no more double standards please.

  • jess

    totally awesome- great points Olga. Glad to see a few people bringing a bit of sanity back to these threads.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Olga
    Thanks for your thoughtful comment. Just to be clear, I do not support the double standard. In fact, I’ve written several posts encouraging women to take a pass on man whores. Support is not the issue, and withdrawing support for the double standard is not going to change it. I believe it is biology. Women have eggs, eggs are precious. Women select mating partners. The flip side of the double standard, by the way, is that a woman can get laid any time she wants to, which is not true for 99.9% of men. While it is true that we are not “cavepeople” I find it surprising that you would dismiss 10,000 years of evolution. We evolve very slowly, physiologically speaking, but the culture changes rapidly.
    .
    It’s interesting that you mention how female behavior can be “unfair” to men. I agree. Women initiate 2/3 of divorces, and the most frequently cited reason is boredom. Additionally, women who are not on the Pill experience a testosterone surge just before ovulation, stimulating their sex drive, particularly toward a high-testosterone or “alpha” male. It is estimated that 10% of all births the result of an outside male, cuckolding the long-term partner. You are correct that women are designed to maximize the quality of their offspring’s genes by continually trying to “trade up,” i.e. hypergamy in action. Again, this is biology, and fairness is irrelevant. Many men would like to see paternity testing required for this reason.
    .
    You are correct that some women have higher sex drives, and this probably is related to testosterone. Additionally, current research demonstrates that about 20% of men have an elongated D4 (dopamine) receptor gene, which leads to increased promiscuity. Women have not yet been studied, but it’s hypothesized they will follow the same pattern. That does raise an interesting question about double standards – can we hold people responsible for their behavior if their genes make them more likely to seek NSA sex? This is where the question of self-discipline becomes crucial.
    .
    Requesting the end of double standards makes no sense. I do not advocate for them. I simply observe what is true. And it is true that men seek a high sex drive and sexual experience in women for short-term mating, but eschew them for long-term mating. This has been found in hundreds of studies.
    .
    There is no incentive for men to change their preferences. If there were a shortage of women, they would get less picky, but that would be compromise, not preference.

  • Ss

    16/20 true

  • Madeline

    Do you thing guys will like me?
    1. I don’t like bad boys
    2.I am in the highest class and some people think I am nerdy cause of that
    3. I am a little shy… and I have been burned before
    4. I only had 2-3 relationships in my entire life
    17 yr. old, high school girl

  • Badger Nation

    Madeleine,
    .
    “Do you thing guys will like me?”
    .
    The real question is what question are you asking? Is it “will guys generally like me?” or “will I be able to find a guy who likes me?”

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    @Madeline
    It sounds like you will be happiest with guys who are like you. Smart, well behaved, not looking to be the center of attention all the time. Those guys are the least likely to burn you, but may need some encouragement. Try being open and friendly to a guy you find attractive. There are no guarantees he will feel the same way, but that’s the group you should be focusing on, and you should demonstrate your interest.

  • Jess

    Susan
    What do you think of expats data saying 52% of USA men are happy with LTRs with girls who have 10 exes?
    Do you think that suggests men are more open minded than you may have originally supposed?

  • Florence

    @ Susan

    My number is 10 or wayy >10 and sometimes they would say “I stopped counting at 10.” This is extremely annoying to me.

    I am wondering if theoretically we as women collectively start looking down upon and/or turning down men with a high numbers, weather it would help remove the stigma associated with women having a high number!

    It is not okay for neither women or men to be whores!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      It is not okay for neither women or men to be whores!

      I agree. I think too much casual sex messes with people’s heads. I don’t think it’s empowering at all – I have always refused this feminist line of thought.
      There is some indication that many women (and also some men) are judging man whores harshly. However, there will always be some women who go for the player, no matter how high his number is.
      .
      In terms of the double standard, I believe that is biologically driven and will not go away. By keeping her number low, she increases the pool of men who will accept it. There are men who will accept a high number (this is highly variable, obviously) but it’s bound to be a much smaller pool.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

    Jess, haha, are you looking for me on other threads? I didn’t track that debate closely, to be honest, it took place at a time when I was very busy. It doesn’t surprise me at all, though. I don’t think 10 is that high a number in this SMP. I do think a lot of men draw the line at double digits, fwiw. In general, there’s no question that in terms of male preference, the lower the better. The question you’re discussing is really one of what men will tolerate. Some regular male commenters on HUS have said they have no problem with that number.
    .
    It depends a lot on the man. A guy who has a very large number himself might consider 10 rounding error. A guy who has slept with four women will be looking for a woman who has slept with less than four men. From what I’ve read, that’s another strong male preference – the desire to be as or more sexually experienced than the female.

  • Florence

    @ Susan.
    Thanks for your response.

    I have another question about players. I was just wondering about your point of view on what happens to them as they get older? Do they eventually marry some woman? What kind of woman? If theory is true that they keep their options open until they find the best one (most attractive one), I wonder if they really do end up with the best one?

    There is this guy I know, who during our teenage years took dating rounds with almost all the girls in the neighborhood and every single one was crazy about him! He was dating my friends, their friends and other friends of friends later. It was crazy! He had a new one every month at one point! He also dated girls who were a bit older than him and very hot!! Some of these women are now married to decent, educated men. He is single now after a 2-year relationship with some girl (probably his longest). She ended it, according to the roomers. He has no money and since he never cared about school and had really bad grades, never made it to grad school and now works as a car mechanic. He is 24. It seems that less and less women are attracted to him nowadays and he spends longer periods being “single” than he is used to.

    I am just wondering what will happen to him or other guys like him in the future? He has certainly broken many many hearts up to now. Maybe it is pay-back time for him?

  • Badger Nation

    “From what I’ve read, that’s another strong male preference – the desire to be as or more sexually experienced than the female.”
    .
    I can say in my own case, and I’m certainly not the only one, I’ve stayed away from more experienced women because I know THEY expect ME to be on top of my game (possible pun intended) and having less experience puts me below her ipso facto. Call it hypergamy adjustment. You can call me threatened or whatever, but I avoid situations where I’m probably not going to measure up from the getgo.
    .
    “There are men who will accept a high number (this is highly variable, obviously) but it’s bound to be a much smaller pool.”
    .
    Not only that, it will probably be a split pool – on one side, desperate (beta) men who look past faults other men would be concerned about. On the other side, highly sexual men who crave experience/desire/kink in women and are willing to trade for it against a modest number. In other words, not your optimal “greater beta” good husband candidate in either case.

  • Badger Nation

    “I am just wondering what will happen to him or other guys like him in the future? He has certainly broken many many hearts up to now. Maybe it is pay-back time for him?”
    .
    It sort of depends. Guys with good long-term vision and adaptable social skills will probably be able to enjoy the fruits of the opposite sex for a good long while. Guys who got to the top with good looks and a “too cool for school” bad-boy attitude will find it doesn’t play so well as life moves on and their lack of investment in themselves begins to (not) bear interest.
    .
    BTW, a lot of us guys will join in the schadenfreude for these dudes (just as we do for women who squandered their best years on cads). While we were busting our asses for the future, he was cutting class to smoke and neck with the girls.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      BTW, a lot of us guys will join in the schadenfreude for these dudes (just as we do for women who squandered their best years on cads). While we were busting our asses for the future, he was cutting class to smoke and neck with the girls.

      I do believe my husband thoroughly enjoyed his 25th high school reunion for this reason. The high school stars were drinking Heineken in the corner, looking sloppy. Meanwhile, women who never knew his name in high school wanted investment advice, LOL. And one of his friends, a small guy who was routinely bullied in high school, is now Asst. DA. That group had their own little schadenfreude huddle that night.

  • Nubian

    The whole Number too high thing is B.S Soooo stereotypical..If a woman sleeps with 10+ Dudes she’s a whore and needs to be ashamed..But if a man has 50 women he’s Great…Alot of women have shady, regrettful pasts and have learned from their mistakes but we should’t be condemned for it Thats NOT fair.

  • Rick

    This is pretty close. I have friends who obsess over simply hot looking girls. Most guys though want a fun girl.

  • Abbot

    “Alot of women have shady, regrettful pasts and have learned from their mistakes but we should’t be condemned for it Thats NOT fair.”
    .
    Define “condemned” and women are free to condemn men for it too. That’s IS fair, and we are all for that, right?
    .
    Anyhow, here is an article with just six reasons –
    .
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html?ref=fb&src=sp

  • Anonymous

    8 for me. + the way I grew up didnt lear the dating rules. pushing 35. resigned to being single. its ok though.

  • Anonymous

    any article on how to stop being in love with your ex?

  • Try and Guess

    I stumbled upon this article, and found it to have a lot more credibility than most, with some sites saying rather ridiculous things that many of my guy friends would find to be untrue.

    I have a few questions though. I think it’s pretty obvious that I fall into the ‘I’m not in the game’ category 100%, as I haven’t dated (what I would consider to be dating) or had an intimate relationship my entire life (and I am 20…a little sad, possibly).

    Lately I have been giving ‘hints’ to guys I just generally find attractive, I’ll let them know that I’m checking them out (but not in a blatant way), I’ll converse with some, etc. but so far no cigar. Would anyone suggest any other things that could work?

    Another thing is a lot of the guys that I know somewhat well and find to be attractive seem untouchable to me, in that there is always someone else they’re interested in, or a friend of mine is interested in them. I find this situation to be unavoidable, so how can I avoid it in the future?

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  • Nubian

    “Condemned” Meaning: Seen as Unfit for use..Seen as No good..That’s how women are looked at who’s “Numbers are too high”..I havent had sucess in the dating department..And I dont blame anyone but my self for my actions..But growing up I didnt have the Pleasure of being taught “The Rules” of dating ..But Im older now and MUCH MUCH Wiser!!..And I refuse to let anyone make me Feel ashamed of My past..It is what it is..

  • Relictus

    I liked this article quite a bit, and would like to add a little bit of advice: Ladies, it is okay to ask a guy out. We don’t read minds.

  • udolipixie

    Well this is awkward the reason I don’t have a boyfriend is because most guys I know closely, professionally,and even casually have at least 3 out of 20 of these traits.

    Then the guys find attractive usually have 5 to 8 of these traits.

    I’m 6. You’re too picky.

    I look for attractive & sexually appealing guys who are:
    honest
    loyal
    responsible
    reliable
    affectionate
    would make a good husband/father
    non smokers/drinkers
    not holding hatred/bitterness/anger/resentment towards a gender/race/sexual orientation/religion.

    My pick factors are what I define attractive & sexually appealing.

    I’m attracted to fit, full head of hair, clean shaved, hygienic, non bad breath/yellow teeth, and clear complexion guys my height since I offer the same.

    By sexually appealing I mean I can imagine myself kissing/sexing him & we have similar sexual tastes. My big issue in this area is that I want a guy who has happily chosen to be a virgin & is not one because no girl wanted to have sex with him, he’s love shy, or incel (reason for that is I don’t want bitterness, anger, or resentment). It honestly seems that the only guys in my area are sluts or bitter virgins. Finding a guy who chose to be a virgin without being scary religious is hard.

    I think in 7 months when I turn 21 I’ll get over being picky and start building a life that includes adopted/in vitro children & work on increasing my savings by 40% instead of monthly 20%.

    At least I know me being picky is only 1 of the 20 reasons I don’t have a boyfriend.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    Just re-read this, it’s still lol material. And quite true. I have found needy, princess, high-maintenance and materialistic to be the biggest peeves for me.
    .
    And rigid/hard to get (same thing to me really). I want to get into relationships because they make my life more enjoyable, not less. Any bullshit about “making the man work for it” and I’m gone.
    .
    Speaking of which…”Ladies, it is okay to ask a guy out. We don’t read minds.”
    .
    Yeah. This is true. I hear a lot of rationalization from women about why they shouldn’t ask a man out, but it’s almost always simply a case of not wanting to stick her neck out.
    .
    You may say you want the guy to be interested in you without knowing you are considering him, but many, many men have fallen for women only after they knew the opportunity existed. “You know, maybe I should think about whether I’m into her too.”
    .

  • Nigritella

    This article is not true! Many girls act exactly like those described in the article, but they still have a boyfriend so this is not a problem
    I agree only with the “You’re not in the game” part. If you dont expose yourself, nobady notice you … This is also the only part that describes me.

  • Vegas Vic

    In regards to # 8, I myself am a member of a fraternity and have seen my share of girls who are ditzy.

    I have a name for them, called ho hos’. These girls are dumber than a bag of rocks, and on top of that, the food they consume probably has a higher IQ score than they do.

    # 8 says it best, “If you’re with a guy who wants his women stupid, you need a new guy. Lose the simpering act.” Nobody likes to be associated with people who are stupid, and for myself as a male, I don’t want to surround myself with girls who don’t have a personality, let alone basic intelligence.

  • the super enigma

    @Try and Guess

    There is nothing wrong with being single at 20. You’re quite young still. I did not have my first relationship til I was 24.

    Another thing is a lot of the guys that I know somewhat well and find to be attractive seem untouchable to me, in that there is always someone else they’re interested in, or a friend of mine is interested in them. I find this situation to be unavoidable, so how can I avoid it in the future?

    You’re just another girl addicted to ‘alphas’. At your age there are reams of young men who maybe don’t catch your eye or are not super confident but absolutely are good boyfriend material. I was one of these men which is why I did not enter a relationship until I was 24.

    I prescribe finding one of these guys, or at least read all the posts on HUS!

  • Megan

    I’d say i’m number 8. A ditz

    I’m not stupid, i’m actually studying engineering which isn’t exactly a piece of cake. I just forget things a lot which leads people to think that i’m stupid. I told my friends that I was thinking of studying physics next year and every time I get the same reaction… They crack up laughing at me (even my parents). It really hurts my feelings and it doesn’t help that i’ve never had a boyfriend or even a kiss for that matter. I’m not ugly (or a blonde), i’ve actually had people come up to me on the street and tell me that i’m pretty. I think my ditzy personality puts them off. I never used to be so forgetful, as i’ve gotten older i’ve just become more forgetful and ditzy (maybe I have juvenile dementia, who knows). I just hate it when I forget something and end up looking ditzy. It’s just the way everyone looks at me like i’m an idiot.

    I’m not stupid!!! I’m at the top of my freaking class! They often have to ask me to help them when they’re stuck with something! I’m just a ditzy person, and i’m trying so hard to change it so people wont judge me.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Megan
      Have you considered that you might just be distracted? As in ADD? I’ve known several really smart girls who came off as ditzy, and yet they do extremely well on tests, with papers, etc.

      If it is just a memory thing, that’s a muscle that can be exercised and improved. You can learn to remember things better.

  • Megan

    @Susan

    I’ve never really thought about it. My mum said i was a very hyperactive child but i never used to be so forgetful when i was younger. I try to do brain puzzles everyday so hopefully i will get better. It’s just really frustrating when everyone you know thinks you’re stupid. Even your parents!

    Thanks

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    “I’ve never really thought about it. My mum said i was a very hyperactive child but i never used to be so forgetful when i was younger. I try to do brain puzzles everyday so hopefully i will get better. It’s just really frustrating when everyone you know thinks you’re stupid. Even your parents!”

    This is speculation, but is your food/sleep schedule in order in college? I believe the disruption to normal rhythms and lack of access to good nutrition in college environments (not to mention drinking for those who can’t keep it under control) is a huge factor in personality changes and cognitive problems in young adults.

  • Megan

    @Badger

    I think my schedule is okay and i don’t drink much. Maybe it’s just all the new information i have to take in is making me discard “unimportant” information such as what happened yesterday or people’s names.

    I do have vertigo and i’ve gone in for CT and MRI scans of my brain but they say everything is okay so i think my forgetfulness is just something i will have to work on. If my vertigo is responsible for my ditziness (which i don’t really feel it is) then i guess i have a pretty good excuse :P

  • gee

    hey Susan,
    i really cant figure it out whether its me or just the guys…started in highschool met a couple of guys and the relationships did not last that long,then i met this wonderful guy,was the first time that i felt that way..i was happy very happy..dont know what happened but i broke up with the guy and started dating his cousin,to be honest i regret it till this day..his cousin wasnt that nice to me so we broke up..dated a couple of guys and didnt work…been single for about 3 years now..Decided to move to another country to make a fresh start,then again something happened met this wonderful guy we were just friends.One night when we were at my place he kissed me and it led to other thngs..we went out for dinner one evening and ever since he has been avoiding me,almost a year since we met..we live near each othr but we just greet each other on text messages..He went bank to his country and we dont communicate that much..One thing that disturbs me is that i cant stop thinking about him,i want to stop and get on with my life..
    And after reading the artile i would say am number 3,4,5,12…
    Am tired of being single and am aging almost 23 now,still single..kills me inside..how do i change this?

  • toni

    i meet my husband in a pool hall and he said he was shy but when we were in the car he was talking none stop talling me every thing about him slef dont get me wrong he was the pefrt gentmen he did not do any thing to me until we got married then come to find out he needed a son and i could not get prgent

  • Patsy

    Ergh, I’ve been hurt too many times. So I wont get into a relationship although I really want one. But I’ll flirt with anyone, so I can get attention. Ive been called seductive which I take as a compliment. However I then always find myself in one night stands. :/
    I hate myself for it, I feel like a whore. But even when no one knows that I just attract the wrong guy for me :/ it’s always been like that. It’s so annoying.

  • Ali

    My problems are 5, 13 and 18!
    Although I am quiet, also making me scared to approach a new guy, which also leads to being a homebody!

    Wow, now if I can work on not being so shy, I think the rest of the problems might resolve themselves.

    I love this site! I always wondered why I can’t get a date, because I am smart, nice, and my friends and family always tell me how beautiful and pretty I am!

    Thanks again! This helped me figure out why I have guy problems! Even though I think I already knew! :)

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  • http://therulesrevisited.blogspot.com/ Andrew

    Wow this is spot on. Very nice.

  • kali

    This article is absolutely idiotic, or perhaps genius if one is searching for a way to assimilate themselves in an attempt to be accepted by patriarchal society (these tips won’t even help you get that satisfaction, fyi). Talk about urging women to choose what a man wants over what they want. The problem is not about pleasing a man, the problem is thinking that changing yourself to please a man will bring you happiness to begin with.

  • Dogsquat

    I don’t think it’s quite as simple as you make it out to be, O Bringer-of-Death.

    What is offered here is a strategy, a blueprint for achieving something.

    For example, if you want to be a physician, it will be much easier to get into med school if you get good grades in undergrad. Granted, you might get in even with shitty grades, but it’s not likely. Plenty of people get turned down with a 4.0, too. Good grades = better opportunity, but not a guarantee.

    The strategy espoused in the article is basically be nice, stay in shape, and don’t bang everything with a pulse and a vaguely phallic appendage. By doing those things, a woman is affording herself a better opportunity to attract and keep a man she can respect. It’s not a guarantee, but it is definitely a place to start.

    Sure, if you’re not into traditional marriage – it makes no sense at all. If you’re so superlative you can afford not to worry about it – then it makes no sense, either.

    However, this is not Lake Wobegone. We are not all above average. If you want something, it makes sense to work and plan for it.

    I’d probably quite enjoy discussing this with you, if you are so inclined. It’s usually helpful to debate someone who has much different ideas about the world. We both might learn something.

    Yours in kyriarchal opposition to biology,

    Dogsquat

  • kali

    I have no problem with gentle guidance, but with the issue of relationships which I believe to be mostly subjective to the individual and their personal life experience, I find it ridiculous that the complexity of human intimacy is put into a “list” format. I also wouldn’t imagine comparing something as fluid as relationships/intimacy with the completely unintimate world of academia!
    Did anyone notice how all of these completely contradict one another? You’re too needy/You’re too hard to get. You flirt too much/You’re not in the “game”. You’re too picky/Your numbers are “too high”. You’re pushy/You’re aggressive. It’s these exact paradoxes that drive women so crazy trying to please a man to begin with. I can almost understand wanting to be helpful but I honestly think this is insulting the the individual expression and experiences of the collective feminine. To top it off I am pretty disappointed that this was written by a woman who is supporting such idealized, fantastical, patriarchal hogwash instead of understanding the plight of a woman who feels drained trying to do opposing things all at once. In fact this entire article is so obviously in favor of how a man views a woman and not at all about how a woman feels about herself, views herself, or loves herself, as if to say that those things should come second to changing yourself to find a guy. Being interested in traditional marriage or not has little to do with my opinion. It’s about the journey of a woman being true to herself, no matter what the end result is with a particular relationship.

  • kali

    * You’re a pushover/ You’re aggressive

  • kali

    Can you direct me to where this article says it is specifically for women who are seeking a traditional marriage? I would like to add that I found this article through someone seeking how to get “better” at merely dating men, so your understanding of the effects of his article do not apply to everyone at all, which is where my primary concern stems from. Also I would love to be pointed to a woman who claims that this exact advice “works” for her in the sense that she landed a guy (by using this article) who did not to some degree find her to incorporate some things from this list.

  • kali

    Can you point out where the word marriage is used to describe this article purpose? The premise is committed relationships, not easy sex, or hook ups a relationship.

    I was directing that towards the previous commenter who was relating this to a traditional marriage. I’m sort of confused how this article is about relationships at all seeing, as it doesn’t focus on the give-and-take of relationships but merely on superficial and initial reactions to meeting another person and doing initial dating on that same superficial level. Nothing points to the actual relationship process or gives insight to how the steps in this article could support anything long term at all. Only ways of trapping and baiting a dude with absolutely ZERO advice or encouragement to be yourself. Can you explain how telling someone that a man can love you the way you are is a negative thing? Or do you not love the way that you are?

    Had you know a woman that was happily in relationship with a guy that used part of this list or all and got dumped?
    Every woman I have known has incorporated “this list” to some level (probably because the women I know of are human beings) and some of those women happily did the dumping themselves.

  • VJ

    I saw this while out at a trendy ATL restaurant with the wife this past Sat. It was a small clique of gals in their 20’s dressed to the 9’s at Prime Time on Sat night, sitting at the next table. On a Date. With each other! Amazing to witness. And they could not stop taking photo’s of themselves smiling and camping/vamping for their camera phones and then posting about their fantastic night out onto their FB pages. Like every 5 minutes or so. Replete with their ‘reaction shots’ of their faces to various things said via their FB pages. All damn night. The wife’s comment was ‘if they’re actually after some guys, that’s a strange way of going about it’. Sure.

    But this is what ‘dating’ has become. Dates with your pals, where you tell the world how much FUN! you’re having, & how much fun you ARE! Constantly via Twitter or FB etc. It’s all about Just wonderful you. The narcissistic development & ideology here was enough to start several ‘reality’ shows. All of them looked decent enough, even if squeezed uncomfortably into party dresses that clearly no longer fit well their more expansive frames. No matter, they were quite convinced of their own Fabulous-ness.

    How clueless the entire set was became obvious as they tried desperately to vector in another friend who was literally a Block away up the street, but nevertheless took a whole half an hour to painfully direct to the premises with more than half a dozen hilariously silly phone calls. Google maps proved useless, evidently it does not cover parking lots. Saying ‘it’s just up the damn street you git’ also never occurred to any of them. Nothing seemed to work. Not landmarks, not the direct address. And you literally could have thrown a stone from here to where the clueless sister was. But she eventually showed up. Even larger than the original set, and much less stylishly so, as it’s difficult to do that size in any dress, really.

    The entire talk of the table was about parties they’ve attended, were going to attend or trying to get into. And how they could scam their way into more ‘hipper’ ones. With a side order of the denigration of marriage in general, and of the marriage of an acquaintance in particular. It was amazing to witness it all, and be brought back over the years to the angst of what yes, bubble headed bleached blonds consider ‘conversation’ or even a ‘fun night out’. Frightening actually. Not much has changed. So my take away from all of this? Should it matter to anyone or even the gals mentioned here, (who were oblivious and likely would care not)?

    1.) If you seek or desire a LTR with someone of the opposite sex? Go to places where you might encounter them, and actually have a conversation with one. That might be a good start.

    2.) Don’t get too lost in self to where you can no longer realistically relate to others ‘outside’ your own small clique or world. This is the 21st century. You’re not likely to meet, marry or mate exclusively with someone inside your own small ‘circle of friends’/cliques. Believe it or not.

    3.) The above may not seem to matter much to many 20 somethings, until it does. At 30 something? It’s much harder to find a ‘decent prospect’ than at 20 something. Ditto for 40 something. You too can be oh so fabulous and accomplished and still be considered pretty& beautiful. But it’s still going to be work, and much more work at later ages. But for now, ‘no eternal reward will forgive you now for wasting the dawn’, or the pretty on drunken escapades. Even the perfectly chaste ‘fun’ ones with just your gal pals every Sat. night. Ditto for the guys. It’s just not very attractive for anyone out of college long.

    4.) The explosion of the narcissistic self involvement of our younger generations may well spell disaster for any future considerations of family. Families require sacrifice for the young & very old. That’s impossible to contemplate for many due to their overweening concerns for self above all.

    So ask not ‘why don’t I have a BF.’ It’s that you really don’t evince any concern or attitude towards wanting or desiring one. No, not really. You ‘adult’ desires remain forever undeveloped, whether or not you actually desire children. You can no more claim to actually have a care or concern for others if you’re constantly so self involved as to pay more attention to your phone than to your fellow guests & friends you’re dining with. For whom you dressed for too! Cheers, ‘VJ’

  • Bee

    VJ…you said it. No one could have said it better.

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2009/09/28/relationshipstrategies/20-reasons-you-dont-have-a-boyfriend/ Sarah

    Hello! :)

    I have just lost 6 stone so i’m just starting to regain my self-esteem after it being knocked down by bullies. Everytime I start to get close with a guy, they seem to lose interest! Like at the begining (i’m pretty confident and definitely am not socially awkward) They seem to be really into me. I have no idea what i’m doing wrong! I’m not nasty, i’m passionate about what I do and i’m jolly. I’m 18 and when out, ive never been hit on. Please help. THANK YOU :)

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      Sarah,

      It’s impossible to say what’s happening in your particular situation, but I can say that there are many, many men and women sitting on the sidelines. The men who are most likely to hit on a woman are the least likely to make good boyfriends, so keep that in mind. I suggest that you read as many of my posts as you can, and subscribe to the email updates. I write many articles about your predicament, and there’s really a wealth of information to be had.

  • http://www.iki.fi/keh/ Kari Hurtta

    Sarah wrote:

    Everytime I start to get close with a guy, they seem to lose interest!

    What they do when they lose interest ?

    I have no idea what i’m doing wrong!

    What you do actually?

  • http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2009/09/28/relationshipstrategies/20-reasons-you-dont-have-a-boyfriend/ Sarah

    Well the contact, banter and flirting just fades away into nothingness. It gets to a certain point where I think I may be asked out then they start to act as if they hadn’t even known me! I get quite a lot of male attention as i’m very friendly and welcoming but it never seems to go any further than the ‘friends zone’

    I’m not sure as to the last question, maybe i’m a slight pushover, i don’t tend to go for great looking guys as i’m much more about the fun in a relationship! Thank you :)

  • http://www.iki.fi/keh/ Kari Hurtta

    Sarah wrote:

    I get quite a lot of male attention as i’m very friendly and welcoming but it never seems to go any further than the ‘friends zone’

    OK. So if I understand correctly, you expect them to know that you are interested of them and you expect them to do move.

  • naynay

    i read this and i was searching anything that is related to this because i just broke of with my bf, and also, somebody just rejected me. i totally agree with all ur points, but i think i’m alone now bcoz i’m ugly, well, i’m not really anybody’s type. so Ugly shud b one of the point up there.

  • Jesus Mahoney

    naynay,

    There are ugly guys as well. They’re usually less concerned with looks than with personality. At least i would guess. Though even the ugly guys would probably get annoyed by hearing you call yourself ugly. Be more confident. Confidence is attractive.

  • Jennifer

    Priceless advice yet again.

  • Nicole

    Lack of Confidence should be #1 on the list in my opinion.  I think many of the other reasons listed are revolved around personal insecurities in general.

    I agree that confidence is attractive.  You can be gorgeous but a lack of confidence can turn men off and vice versa.   However, from personal experience, I understand that confidence isn’t something you acquire overnight.  You can “act” secure  but it takes a lot of work to truly feel secure with ourselves.

  • gerry

    So….basically stop being bitchy, aggressive and be one of the boys….Gosh…that’s going to be hard xD + my flirting skills are so…ugh Its basically business and straight to the point I should make a tattoo “stop being sarcastic, sarcastic =/= cool” People nowadays cant take sarcasm and smirks, srly….

  • Marie

    I think the biggest reason a girl would not be able to find a guy is because she is a virgin. That is something they definitely left out. Guys HATE virgin girls. Believe it. They think there is something completely wrong with a girl who is a virgin. They make fun of them, they think they are too hard to get, have too many emotional baggage, and “can’t have a good time” with them because the sex would not be good enough, if it was a first time for the girl, or there is none. I’ve heard this from plenty non-virgin women too. So it’s not just really men who agrees, it’s women too who agree with all this. So if you are a virgin ladies, forget it, it’s rough out there. Some people were made for good sex and relationships, and for others, other life adventures. I guess that’s life.

  • Wayfinder

    @Marie

    I submit that you’re projecting your prejudices on the male sex and letting your limited viewpoint cloud your judgement. There is a high correlation between men who are looking for marriage and men who will give a virgin a chance.

    On the other hand, if all you want from life is casual sex, than being a virgin will probably get in the way of that.

  • Anonymous

    I suppose these lists are true some of the time, however i have seen plenty of women just like this with devoted boyfriends.  For the benefit of everyone on this website (including the author, by the way i don’t mean this to offend you or put down your list, i am just trying to be helpful) i am going to give you all the name of an extremely good book on the topic of relationships.  The great thing about this book is that it does not make you feel guilty for having needs in any part of the relationship (beginning or middle), it does not tell you to change who you are and it gives some pretty damn good advice which is backed up by over two decades of scientific research.  It also doesn’t make sweeping generalizations about men and women, but instead treats them equally.  Anyways the book is called “Attached” by Amir Levine. If you seriously want to improve relationships you have i would recommend reading this.

  • lp

    i’m not any of these things. and i’m single. why?

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    lp,

    “i’m not any of these things. and i’m single. why?”

    In parallel with a post I wrote for guys (http://badgerhut.wordpress.com/2011/08/17/the-1-game-question-for-guys/) I want to answer your question with a question:

    How many new guys have you talked to this week?

     

  • Rowanna

    Ok. I’d say I’m number twenty, but no one actually knows this because I’ve never previously had a boyfriend. I might count as number one, but nowhere near to the extent that’s written here. For about a month or two it was all him pulling things up, but then I started starting the conversations, and although it still went up at first, he just gradually seemed to fade and then randomly decided he didn’t want to talk to me so it may even be that I bored him instead of my being needy? So I’m not too sure exactly what the problem is? I’m not pug ugly, people who don’t know me all think I’m hot, though I do look around twenty two, so I don’t know if that’s a problem? Also, are the rules different in high school? Is this a problem?

  • Scott

    How about being a bitch and lying about having a boyfriend all the time, when I try to talk to you people? You forgot that one…

  • kari

    im #1 needy…

    i guess when i find somone, i dont want to miss out! and then i get obsessive…. :( ugh

    i wish i could get a boyfriend. people say that im pretty, and smart, how can i not be so needy i dont understand

  • Elissa

    I’m really not any of these, except occasionally a homebody, seeing as I never get invited anywhere. I think the real reason no guys like me is because I’m fat. And I am. Not the the good places, though. Places like your stomach, face and arms. And I’m hideous. And, my hair is never good, because I have no time to straighten it almost ever.

  • Birdy

    I found this INCREDIBLY insightful, I am nearly off to collage and have never had a boyfriend, and I always wonderd why. I mean, I think I’m pretty cute at least, maybe a little quiet and short, but hey– the only few who have ever had interest in me was a childhood friend who was much too serious/had a temper and two girls ._____. I always thought maybe boys would never like me, never veiw me as someone to date because I look similar to a ten year old, and for some reason I was attractive to girl even though I’m not bi at all. (which is incredibly frustrating, mind you.)

     

    I found through this what I might be doing wrong, and I thank you for the advice. Though wisely I do not view this as the key to my love life, or anything like that, the advice it gives makes me look at myself more throughly than before. Thank you so much.

  • WarmWoman

    ” You don’t have to tell anyone your personal data. Just be aware that when you’re making the rounds within a certain community or group of friends, word gets out fast. I don’t think there has ever, ever been a guy who got laid and didn’t tell anyone about it afterwards. If your number is high and that fact is well known, you have every right to find a new pack of males and revirginate reinvent yourself.”

     

    This is interesting, because some of the males on this blog are suggesting otherwise. They think that you should tell a man about your sexual past, but I strongly disagree.  If you’re not comfortable disclosing something, respect your own personal boundary. Even the book “Why men marry bitches” contains quotes from men that say “Never ever discuss your sexual past or your lack of it. The last thing a man wants to picture is another sweaty guy getting on top of you.  In his head, he wants to think that you’re made just for him.”    Frankly, a lot of men and women simply don’t want to talk about past lovers due the pain and negative memories associated with it.

  • WarmWoman

    “I think the biggest reason a girl would not be able to find a guy is because she is a virgin. That is something they definitely left out. Guys HATE virgin girls. “

    Not the men in my parents’ culture.  I lived in America all of my life, but my ethnicity doesn’t like to let go of our roots. Non-virgin women are hated in my culture, whereas virgins are considered at the top of the game.  This goes back to Susan’s point about not disclosing your past. It’s acceptable in my culture to pretend to be a virgin and lie. In fact, it’s recommended by our elders.

    I don’t know what race or ethnicity you are, but perhaps try to target sub-cultures that do place importance on virginity, such as East Indians, Muslims, Orthodox religions etc………….

  • cody

    Guy here just wanted to throw in my input lol. I am a college grad with a degree in business admin and am semi successful. I can honestly tell you that the guys i hang around and myself cannot stand the chase. Whoever started the play hard to get is badly mistaken. We like women not afraid to talk to us. If a women initiated a conversation she would have about 99% higher chance of getting to know us. All we want is a cool chick to hand out with and for her to let us know we are interested. The rejection rate of women is so high that single guys go to the usual places to have fun not to meet women. Unless those guys are the jerk types.

    Guys just want a friendly girl to banter with and have a good time with. Confident guys are hard to spot because we no longer care to hit on women. It borders on the definition of madness. Women want to be equal in society then step up and have a friendly time non of these expectations of a guy courting you.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @cody
      Thanks for that comment, it’s excellent advice to women.

  • http://badgerhut.wordpress.com Badger

    I second cody’s comment in terms of advice to women. Putting aside any hypergamy or alpha-chasing, it’s becoming sadly difficult to find a woman we can have a decent conversation with. Most non-cad guys who have tried to initiate with women have experienced large amounts of judging the performance. When you’re talking to a guy, chill out a bit and just let it ride, don’t go into it looking for reasons to reject him or blow him out of conversation.

    http://badgerhut.wordpress.com/2011/10/28/how-to-find-good-men/

  • WarmWoman

    I wanted to add “ANXIETY” to the list.

    Anxiety is anti-seductive, especially when you’re anxious about where your relationship is going (Are we getting married? Are you serious about me? What are your intentions?). I’ve had anxiety ever since I was a child, but I didn’t realize that the opposite sex could smell it. When a woman or a man is naturally anxious/nervous, that can kill the mood.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @WarmWoman

      I’ve had anxiety ever since I was a child, but I didn’t realize that the opposite sex could smell it.

      Funny you should say that. I’m a big believer in scents. As in, I think we can literally smell anxiety on another person. We have a visceral aversion to it.

  • WarmWoman

    Ha, I need to be more careful. Ladies-Notice your non-verbal communication (twiddling fingers, shaking legs, talking too fast). Guys are more smarter than you think when noticing it. Are you serene and relaxed? That alone can make a difference.

  • salsi

    well Im some of those things ( not in the game, picky, hard to get, homebody) this article is enlightening, couldn’t stop laughing as i was reading it , lool I consider myself extremely attractive and always got attention from guys even when Im not looking for it, which is why people dont believe me when I say I dont have a boyfriend and that sometimes I feel like I have to lie. I find it shoking myself that I dont have a bf, this explains it and “pretty women have it harder” article. Feel even more depressed now.

  • Melissa

    The thing is that i can get a boyfriend easily if i really wanted one (not trying to be a show off or anything like that), but when ever i do i end up being picky, ditzy, and a flake. And i really can’t help it :/ i dont know how to change? I always end up feeling either too confident or really insecure when I’m with them.

  • Melissa

    Actually more hard to get then picky

  • M

    Re: “You’re too picky. You want a guy who is well-educated, financially successful, handsome, funny, witty, generous, blah blah blah. You want a 10. Get realistic. How about well-educated, funny and generous? Or handsome and witty, but a poet, i.e. broke? Perhaps financially successful, generous and fun to be with, but never went to college? Keep an open mind when you’re sizing up men. Allow yourself to find the good.”

    This is SOOOOOOOOOO TRUE for so damn many women!!! So many men just want to go up to so many women these days and bit** slap them into reality and bit** out of la la fantasy dumb a** world. Gawd there are a ton of women that literally have this book (no literally) a effin book of requirements and the book is like at least probably 100 pages longgggggg. These dumb a** women have to get over themselves, get into reality and actually DATE rather then be the pratically free prostitute. Yeah yeah women will cry and bit** about the practically free prostitute remark. Then what do you call yourself, ladies that never ever ever have more than a one nighter always kick him out and then the next night your at the bar againnnnn picking up another dick weed dumb a** douche. Women are then like we want the right one. Um yeah you can say that your whole dumb a** life and can say that about anything like I want the perfect job, if it’s not PERFECT then I will be with this job a half a month give it a try and always quit quit quit.

    Yes women it’s not JUST ABOUT YOU!! It’s also what HE want’s. Soooo women get over yourselves, quit acting constantly stuck up, quit acting like you always have something stuck up your a**. He’s NOT ever ever going to be “perfect” never ever ever will ever happen!! All you women that go around with your 100 page “lists” are only torturing yourselves and making your own lives a living he** cause you have this effed up fantasy BS that so many of you women cobbled up as little girls and took it literally. I think authors for girls book seriously need to put warnings on the front of fantasy books to tell girls that this and that books are ONLY FANTASY and seriously don’t believe this BOOK, it’s only FANTASY!!! Maybe that will wake a lot of girls up and they finally realize those dumb a** books are only fantasy!!!!!

  • M

    Also with the “You’re too picky. You want a guy who is well-educated, financially successful, handsome, funny, witty, generous, blah blah blah. You want a 10. Get realistic. How about well-educated, funny and generous? Or handsome and witty, but a poet, i.e. broke? Perhaps financially successful, generous and fun to be with, but never went to college? Keep an open mind when you’re sizing up men. Allow yourself to find the good.”

    I wanted to add that it’s great that your looking for a guy with a stable job, a great education, has a great head on his shoulder . But so many women skip over those guys until they hit very late 20’s to early 30’s cause they like the “loosers” which the young girls in their early 20’s think he’s “awesome”, confident blah blah blah… Dbags being confident?????? Ha ha ha that is the worst statement women always say… Why do you think dbags are dbags???????? You think cause they are confident???? BS complete BS that’s why they are DBAGS cause they are SOOOO UNSURE OF THEMSELVES, they have such low self esteem, and are completely UNCONFIDENT!!! Dbags have 0 confidence. Otherwise if they had confidence they would act normal, be self assured and wouldn’t be a**holes. The Dbags are the most unconfident type of guys. The guys that are confident are the ones that don’t ALWAYS have the dbag side to them yet they can have both sides blah blah blah…

  • Eien

    Through my life I have realised the best advice for this kind of situation is simply to work on being the best person you can be and work on building a life where you are happy with yourself, and suddenly people will want to be a part of it. For me it’s been getting over my self perceived “truth” of no guy seeing me anything beyond a mere sex partner, due to the fact that I am 24 and have never had a proper relationship, save dating three guys for a while in my 20s. I have never been told I was any of the things in that list, (i say told as it provides a more objective viewpoint) except perhaps coming across as occasionally a bit shy. I believe people attract situations which they become most fixated on, whether it’s positive or negative, so if somebody views relationships through the experience of getting dumped and hurt by bad boys, that tends to colour their experience and influence their actions vis a vis future relationships, hence similar patterns happening. My “pattern” is that I fall for guys who merely see me as a dear friend, or have potential but are not at the right stage in life to have a relationship. Because I keep thinking of relationships this way, the same thing has happened numerous times, so now I’m working to “visualise” it going how I want to, and focus on the rest of my life and I should hopefully see results, and I recommend others to do the same. It is hard though getting rid of that pang of yearning and wondering why some people easily flow into relationships, where for others such as myself, getting a guy interested even beyond wanting sex seems like a Sisyphean task!

  • nansy

    @ susan
    I agree with all of this but they not allow in our arabic world ‘poor me’
    And my issue is i love a guy ‘O’ in our family older than me by 8 years , Im cruzy about him many year , one day his sister descovered that I love him and she told him that without telling me (I was heading my feeling from the athers) and she came to told me that she told him about me and she told me that he is see me as his youngest sister
    I ask his sister to keep this information and don’t tell any one and she promis to do and she did , after few days she came and told me that my our cousin ‘A’ told her that he love me since we are kids and ask her to see if i love him to
    I shoked when she told me and I sayed to her forgot it this not the good time to thin about this things
    And after few month he told me that he love anther girl and show me a few pictur of her and he told his mom he wana marry her .
    The issue is I can’t forget ‘O’ I can if I away but when I saw hem my heart dance and I smile a large smile and I toke to hem when no body see us about anything but if some body came we act that nothig happend and we didnot tolk at all everytime that happen. In a same way I regrit about that chance when I lost ‘A’ from my hand
    Now I don’t know what to do I wana forget both of them so what can I do ??

  • ashley

    Well I am a homebody, a flirt, one of the boys & I play the ditz card but you know what? I like me. I don’t want to be any other way. If a guy isn’t going to like me that way…then. I wouldn’t want them anyway.

  • Lucy

    I am so glad I read this top 20 list! It helps me narrow down my weaknesses and target my strengths with men. I tend to be a pushover, although until now I believed I was being a cool chick and just going along with whatever would make the guy happy. I should stand my ground on certain things, otherwise I am going to get walked all over. Also when I drink I feel invincible, I hit on guys I normally wouldn’t, maybe even appear over confident, that’s not attractive either! Great advice, time to put it to work!

  • LinnyBell

    sigh, I am all these.

  • LinnyBell

    Guess I’m a work in progress..

  • Pingback: Apparently, I Need To Change Myself | Dating Life()

  • http://www.search4asoulmate.wordpress.com Cadence Harper

    I think the toughest part about this might be figuring out which numbers apply to you. I think I’m going to have to ask my bestie.. She knows me well, and is right by my side through this whole dating adventure.

  • http://Www.facebook.com/Kungfo0grip Chung lee

    Hello, this is a very interesting subject. I am 23 years old and already retired lol… I think i am all these numbers except 6,7,10,12,14,15,17,19&20!! I dont understand why i cant get a decent man, who actually wants a relationship with me… Not just try to “pipe” me. I was told before that i come off as too “rough” but i dont try hard, i am just really honest and tell the truth… Am i wrong if i say he must like me for being me and not acting like somebody i am not? I know im not ugly, but im not walking around with my head up like my sh*t doesnt stink, so what am i doing wrong? Where do you meet these “guys” at if its not at a bar or club, i mean those are the fun night things now a days…. I need your help please! ;) 
    Xo
    Chung lee

  • Tom

    Hey Susan,

    Concerning a comment in your no. 15:

    “I don’t think there has ever, ever been a guy who got laid and didn’t tell anyone about it afterwards.”

    I would like to let you know that from the very beginning of my career as a Master Lover (some people use the term Pick Up Artist) I have had a very firm policy of never *NEVER* kissing and telling.

    I have taught this to all the guys (and a few times, women) I have winged with, and everyone I have taught. Even when teaching I have used examples from long enough in the past, and with changed details, so that no woman could be identified. There’s no question that women very much appreciate this.

    And for the record, while I know many guys try to boost their supposed status by bradcasting their conquests around the locker room, I would say I know a lot who don’t gossip their women around, and would never think about doing so, even without prompting from another guy like me.

    So yeah, your statement was a bit hyperbolic, but of course, to be safe a woman has to go on the assumption a new guy will gossip her around, until he proves otherwise.

    “If your number is high and that fact is well known, you have every right to find a new pack of males and revirginate reinvent yourself.”

    I agree 100%. In fact, I would go further. If your sex life is being gossipped around, you’re with the wrong crowd of acquaintances, and you’ll benefit in many ways from finding a crew of people who are more positive & respectful. FWIW, when some guy has started to go into the details of what he was doing with a girl, I tell him 1 on 1 later that it’s too much information, and do my little “kiss & tell” speech.

    PS- every guy assumes anything he says or does, whether in the bedroom or out, can be gossipped by his women/women to her friends.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Tom

      Thanks for your comment, I respect your not gossiping about your conquests, and encouraging others to do the same. To be fair, promiscuous women tend to dish about their hookups the morning after.

  • http://Www.facebook.com Leina

    I amost of those. Am little shy, aggressive, rigid , picky, a homeboy and a princess and wat shud i do coz its only players who try to ask me out

  • Shany

    I’m at least 13 of these,
    1. I’m needy.
    2. I like players
    3. I’m too picky
    4. I’m a Girl Gone Wild.
    5. I’m a Mean Girl
    6. I’m high maintenance.
    7. I’m aggressive
    8. I’m self-absorbed.
    9. I’m too hard to get
    10. I’m materialistic.
    11. I’m rigid
    12. I’m a pushover
    13. I flirt too much
    NO wonder I’m still alone, but I really never realize I was like this until I read the article.
    My question now is how can I reverse or fix this?. I guess I have some work to do, but where to start when it all comes so naturally?

  • Rowanna

    OK, last time I visited this site I was a few of these, I’ve managed to fix most of them, but I can’t really understand number 20? Surely if you aren’t a pushover then you become loads of the above, like rigid or a princess? Also, just because I were to let him treat me like crap, it doesn’t mean I don’t respect myself? And finally, this isn’t going to help me get a boyfriend because my major flaw here, no one knows about because I haven’t ever had a boyfriend.

  • Arabella G.

    Err, Hi. I guess I’m too shy and a “bit” of a pushover. I’m a generally introvert person who is willing to help everyone and hasn’t learned to say no quite yet. I’ve never had a boyfriend, but I lot of people say I’m cute… like baby kinda cute. Also, my friends say I hide my body most If the time(I generally wear hoodies and jeans.). I’m conservative when it comes to clothing and skirts/dresses these days feel entirely too short. Not even tights will help me get over it and considering my current age, most people would be like “huh?”

    My Mom and everyone are like if you come out your shell, you can show everyone who you really are. I just roll my eyes because it’s easier said than done. So, does anyone have any advice? I’m a bit young too like still in high-school young.

  • WarmWoman

    Chung Lee: “I dont understand why i cant get a decent man, who actually wants a relationship with me… Not just try to “pipe” me. I was told before that i come off as too “rough” but i dont try hard, i am just really honest and tell the truth… Am i wrong if i say he must like me for being me and not acting like somebody i am not?”

    You’re not wrong for wanting a guy to like you for you, but are you announcing that right away on dates? Based on my experience, it can be anti-seductive for a woman to push her expectations on the first few dates. Men don’t like to be pressured or overwhelmed. I find that men respond better to mystery, allure and just being light in the beginning stages of dating. You don’t have to explain yourself right away. I find that being relaxed and showing genuine interest in the man/what he has to say is what works best on dates.

  • Zany

    Can you pull it back with a guy, after making these errors?

  • http://susanboyle susan

    Hi there
    Ylou are far to young to date if your only eleven sweetie pie!

  • Hannah

    Actually, I have to say that the “pushover” one isn’t entirely true. My best friend is a huge pushover when it comes to her boyfriend – which is why she is still in a relationship, not why she’s single. He ‘mocks’ and ‘jokes’ about her weight, how much she eats, calls her sleazy then goes and flirts/hooks up with other girls and so on and on and on.

    So she goes to break up with him and he cries and begs for forgiveness, tells her he loves her. If that doesn’t work, he says he “won’t let her” break up with him and hangs about her house until she gives in. And it starts again. And again. And again….

  • meg

    I am REALLY sick of it all being about what is wrong with the woman .. the only way to change this male dominated society is for that kind of bs to stop

  • Elissa

    I don’t know, I’ve been told I can be a bit jaded, but this all sounds a little too simplistic. Another thing is why is the blog about- why guys don’t want to date me and instead why their aren’t any quality guys around worth dating.
    I’m 29- I’ve been to college, worked, got a masters, worked some more, and now I’m in graduate school earning a doctorate degree. In that time I’ve lived in 4 states and met a lot of different guys. I’ve only dated a few more seriously, but generally speaking I think one of the bigger problems is that the quality guys are waiting until they are 35-40 before being ready to really settle down, but for women who want kids that causes a bit of a stressful situation- although not unmanageable.
    Note to the teenagers: Don’t date at all in high school. Focus on your studies. All the girls I know who dated in single are divorced- with kids- and doing horribly. (food stamps, crappy jobs, and unhappy—the economy isn’t great at the moment and getting on a sturdy road is more important than ever)

  • Bob

    Susan:

    You forgot one reason that many women don’t have a boyfriend…they’re ugly. Sorry, I don’t say this to me mean, it’s just a simple fact of life. This is not to say that those are ugly are incapable of finding a mate, but rather it really makes it difficult.

    Oh well, such is life.

    Bob

  • Nikole

    Ive never been in a actual relationship and I’m already out of h.s… This depresses me at times what should i do? I’m also very insecure.

  • HPPR

    Most guys are in that same boat. Very few guys have had sexual relationships by that time.

    If you’re worried about looks that can change. Work out, eat right, anyone can do it.

  • http://dating nadine

    great tips from here

  • pol

    Hello..nice tips..and i think im in the 5.not in game, and 13 homebody category. i never have a bf in my life and now i am 23 years old. It seem that no male will attracted to me, even though i have a male friends. All my male friend really comfortable with me and i dont have problem to be friend with them, but i dont know why i cant have a bf until now. All my male friend will say that they like to friend with me as i am cool and they know that im not a sensitive person. My friends also wondering why i dont have a bf, as im a friendly person and my looks is average actually, not pretty or gorgeous just a plain girl. I also have a feminine appearance, but my personality is a bit rough, as my voice and i act like a man. Can you help me what is my problem actually? and what is the solution..thanks

  • Michelle

    In the past I was #5, then became #18. Now I’m a 22 year-old college student happy to be in the dating pool. But I think I have a mix of #4, #13, #14 that confuses guys. My major is demanding and I don’t get out much, so when I have the opportunity, I go to parties and other social events, especially with friends who are good at getting dates. When I’m there, I flirt but the only guys that approach me seem to be the ones that want a one night stand or booty call-girl. Once they learn that I’m a science major, love music, and can hold eye contact during conversation, and realize I’m not as easy as the people I arrived with, they walk away (which boggles my mind). I’m quite pretty (even strangers have approached to compliment) so it’s not like men are repulsed by my physical appearance…
    I have kicked it off with some really good guys, but a few weeks (or days) later I always find them in a committed relationship with someone they just met since last I saw them. Some of my really close guy friends (who have been in long-term relationships) have wondered why I don’t have a boyfriend yet and the only reason they can come up with is, “Maybe you’re too classy.”
    I don’t like the thought of being the one who does everything in the beginnging of a relationship, but should I be making faster, bolder moves towards the guys I’m interested in? HOW is being classy a bad thing? WHAT am I missing or doing wrong?
    I hope you’re still answering these. Thanks for your insight.

  • Brenna

    Like many, I really liked this post by Susan. It seemed very straightforward and substantial without being offensive or making the woman feel like an idiot. Maybe because this was written by a woman whom is also a mother.

    For the longest time I thought something was terribly wrong with me because I heard and saw person after person with a new boyfriend. It wasn’t until later that I realized people’s standards aren’t all too high and that the hook-up culture played a big role in the frequency with which they would breakup and meet someone new. I don’t think I could integrate into the hook-up culture if my life depended on it. I guess for me that means lots and lots of patience as Susan said (along with other things).

    Sometimes I do feel like love and even a close relationship with a man just isn’t in the cards for me, but then I know what a loving person I am and can’t comprehend that my love isn’t meant to be spread and shared. It is nice to be able to accept small parts of yourself gradually, but then there are those days that I swear not a thing about me has changed from my adolescent days. I definitely think taking responsibility and being aware of how you are perceived are important things and for me it has been a process to be able to accept this without feeling guilty, shame, or disappointment that I didn’t have all this figured out already. It’s a learning process and I guess you just have to enjoy that part…bumps, bruises, embarassing stories, and all. There is hope and light at the end of the tunnel…it just doesn’t always seem that way.

  • Jane

    Or… She’s just not attractive. We areas denial sometimes. If you don’t look the part you wont get a date.

  • Colie

    I have really want a boyfriend seeing how the last time i had…i could have sworn he was the one I was going to be spending my life with. Turns out I was very wrong!Lol. Im over him but still find it hard to open out of my shy shell and let men know I’m single. I am professional because thats what I’m comfortable with, but let my hair down when im with my friends and family. Any advice on how to attract goal-oriented men and allow myself to break the profession/non-professional standpoint i seem to be stuck in?

  • Jojo

    Wow is all I can say about reading this article. In other words, don’t be too insecure (your whimpy) or too confident (your a ball breaker), and too relax (your lazy) or too energetic (you may appear flakey) etc.. I feel like this article is advising me to do everything or behave in every way that is not myself, just to get a man. There are some very validating points to the article such as staying away from players and don’t be high maintenance… But there were some sections in here where I felt offended, like don’t be too picky (why don’t you just tell every woman out there to set the bar low so she gets what she gets… I mean really). We are at an age now where it’s ok in fact considered “sexy” where a woman shows confidence and personal success. So why not set the bar high in order to find a mate who is equally compatible and ambitious. Hey, who knows they may have more in common such as the life goals… Just saying

  • Natalie

    Funny, You didn’t mention any physical causes that would deter a relationship. How about FAT! Let’s face it, guys care more about what’s outside than what’s inside and they don’t like fat women. And you’re really up a creek if you are fat AND ugly. Doesn’t matter how good a person you are!

  • http://samanthaa998@hotmail.com hotgirl

    my situation is such that…im a very beautiful girl– really kind cool down to earth….monogamous loyal and a virgin at 32….i cant meet a guy…ive been on tons of dates….100’s of dates…men don’t ask me out…most males have been very cruel to me in general…mean picking on me etc…men basically just treat me like crap– most men and the rest just treat me oddly or put me down….treat me like a geek of some sorts. I look like a super model or model….im petite… let’s say i look somewhat like salma hayek or that type…dark hair exotic looks…. but im super down to earth…most people call me ‘shy quiet’ etc though im not…im confident and nice….im just ‘NICE” like im not loud crazy obnoxious…im not stuck up or arrogant and that’s why most people take advantage of or mistraet me too…you’d think a super beautiful girl who is caring kind monogamous wonderful…would be a guy’s dream…but ive never had a boyfriend… its crazy and horrid…i cant take it anymore..the worst part is….i cant make any female friends b/c women have hated me b/c i am pretty…and men hate me too…i used to say….wow everyone is jealous of me– this sucks…

    .ive lived my whole adult years just suffering with people mistreating me or being jealous of me…. i figured i’d meet a guy SOMEWHERE…work, school, dating sites– and nothing…. i dont know what to do….im turning 33 now and no boyfriend….how is this possible??? women say “men go for the model girls, men go for looks”..no they don’t….even my looks can’t get me a guy…im also really smart too and nice…apparently none of my good qualities can get me a guy but there are obnoxious bossy crazy mean evil psycho women who can get any guy they want….men don’t even want me sexually but sexually im like a playboy model type hot….it’s crazy also i dress ‘DOWN” like i never dress up or dress sexy….i alawys wear jeans and a shirt…and look casual….surely SOME guy out there would want a beautiful low key woman??? but no one does?? im not sure what to do anymore except plan on being a virgin and being celibate and never having a boyfriend…its not fair and it’s messed up but i feel ive tried EVERYTHING and exhausted every option possible. In the meantime my “friend” who is rude average looking…and a b*tch manages to get out of one relationship and get lucky and set up into another one… while ive been alone 15 years….again this isn’t fair….i didnt realize beautiful women weren’t able to meet a guy….men just look at me…or hurl an insult at me…ive had men total strangers…walk up to me–say some mean remark to me and walk off…embarass put me down humiliate me…ive even had food service workers throw food at me before….(males)… ive felt like ive been living in some parallel universe…. none of this makes sense…males are very hostile towards me…cruel rude mean and im talking about strangers….i used to think..well if ALL men treat me lower than crap…how can i manage to get a boyfriend??? i cant and it seems never will BECAUSE im beautiful….that seems so twisted and weird….

  • http://samanthaa998@hotmail.com hotgirl

    also…men don’t ever hit on me– they ltierally attack or abuse me. Whereas you think….men will whistle or say “hey baby”!!! that would be a fantasy for me….men or any male that comes across my presence literally gives me dirty looks…insults me, attacks me verbally…treats me like crap…yells at me…i even once had a total stranger follow me to the bathroom yelling “I DONT LIEK YOU B*TCH”!!! wtf?? people have STRONG reactions to me– esp males but its always this cruelty negativity…its really horrific and extreme….i went through this bizarre abuse for years and still do… men do not treat me like a human much less a pretty woman…however other pretty women they will kiss their a** and treat me like a freak….i even tried being a model and photographers tormented me…abused me worse than other wannabe models…just screwed me over badly…did anything to just screw me over (not physically but mentally verbally and other ways)…tried to get me to quit as a model…(dont get me wrong there were SOME supportive kind people) but tons of abuse mistreatment and worse than other models or stories i had heard of… the way i feel with the male species now is that of complete inferiority… despite the fact that i should feel ‘superior’ and confident…i feel inferior…b/c of my lack of sex life and relationship experience…and how men treat me in general…and i think this is what these sick males wanted….b/c they feel so insecure and inferior in my presence they have to attack berate and harass me to bring me down however my situations are very extreme and weird…I look like I could be a playboy centerfold model…or should be…(minus the large breasts)…yet im treated like an outcast, a freak by males and people….there are hot women out there hated by other women however they can STILL manage to get ONE boyfriend…in my case….i cant get any…ever… men are so insceure around me they torment me to the point of nothingness….and cant even be in my presence….ive come to accept this after years of loneliness hell and suffering…but sometimes…i go through bouts of just freaking out again and not being able to accept and understand why im a kind sweet down to earth pretty normal girl and i cant meet one guy on planet earth to date….and why any other woman can meet any guy she wants….

  • shea

    I don’t think I am any of those. Technically (in a dramatic sense) guys avoid and ignore me like I’m the plague. I think it may be because of number 5. I am shy a lot of times when I don’t know the guy, but when I get to know him I’m bubbly, sarcastic, and humorous. I’m myself. But, they just don’t take me seriously. I don’t really mingle with the opposite sex often though. I want to stay abstinent and the thought of going any further than a heavy make out session terrifies me. I can handle all the mental parts of a relationship, but I can’t put out physically. And I understand that in order to have a good relationship there has to be a balance between metal and physical in order for it to work out smoothly. I just don’t know what to do. It makes me not want to approach guys because I’m afraid that they just want all the physical stuff.

  • http://hookingupsmart.com Daisha

    Really true..i found myself in 8 or even 9 of these reasons…right know i’m in a point in my life where i feel invisible …to guys anyways…i haven’t been not even on date in 3 years…and it’s sad cause i’m 23 i should be having the time of my life.These should be the best years for me,I really know it and i definitely want to change this situation.

  • merssey

    well im not in the game …..i dont even know where to start in the game and most of all im scared coz i have been hurt before and i cant seem to get past it i have tried but i look at men the same way and i feel no one out there is right for me

  • Sam

    Hi, I’m guilty of 2 and 18. But especially with this one guy. He’s a player, knows I like him, and uses it against me every time. Every time he comes around I act like I’ve changed but he knows I haven’t and breaks through the wall I build every time. I want a relationship with him and not just the booty call, visit me when he wants something, kind of relationship. What do I do to make him really like me like that? HELP.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Sam

      There is nothing you can do! Once a player, always a player. Even when they ultimately settle down and marry, they are more likely to cheat, divorce and be poor fathers. Drive on. Find someone who doesn’t see you as disposable.

  • http://www.squidoo.com/how-do-you-get-a-boyfriend chris

    I think too many woman try to fix someone thats broken. It’s impossible! The only way a guy is going to change is because he chooses to. You can’t try to change someone unless thats what they really want, or you’ll just ending staying in the same situation you have always been in.

    The only person you can change is yourself. Be more confident, more fearless and only move towards your goal of what you want in a relationship and out of life. If someone you meet doesn’t fit in your ideal image of life, drop them or they will drag you down.

  • cyndi

    wow” interestin points… Kept me thinking, cant stop laughing lol. But anyway im sooo guilty of 3,5,6,12,13,14,18 and a bit of 20. Yeh i ave a lot to learn about these things! Thanx posting this! :)

  • shoop shoop

    What happened to ….. you’re crap in bed??

  • https://www.facebook.com/#!/allisontedford71197 Allison

    I’m 5 and 18. I’ve been rejected before and there is this guy I really like and he probably likes me.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Allison

      Good for you! Make the most of this opportunity!

  • Lina

    I guess I fall into the picky categorie… all I would like is a boyfriend who is not on drugs/smokes weed. It’s everywhere school, even church, obviously clubs…. good/bad neighbor hoods doesn’t matter…I want a guy who is himself, easy to talk to and have fun with, who doesn’t do drugs…I am myself and I’d like to think I am easy to get along with and pretty I am also sober and I don’t do drugs…There were some guys I’ve met in the past who were great, the only problem is drugs always got in between me and my boyfriends… I learned that no matter how much you like a person, and no matter how much you want them to change, they won’t, unless they want to. Also to not hang around people that do drugs, bad influence. The saddest thing is though that the most nicest and loving people I have ever met did drugs. :[ I have recently met new group of friends who are very nice and don’t do drugs, theres not really anyone I like in particular yet, but I will keep searching.

  • Royale W. Cheese

    The link to this recently appeared in the response feed, so I clicked :)

    I’ve been guilty of #1, #5, #13, #18, and #20.

    I’m an awkward girl by nature. Something I’m starting to realize is that guys who are attracted to my looks expect me to spit game like the smooth talking hot socialites, or the clever, outgoing party-girls, only to be confronted with odd pop-culture references, very innocent chit-chat, and (at worst) science or philosophy tumbling out of my mouth.

    It’s the type of thing that Obsidian may have referenced before, about how (especially in AA culture) women expect men to have “swagger/swag.” I lack female swag to the point that it confuses guys. My outside doesn’t “match” what’s in my head, as a friend of 20 years had bluntly put it.

    I really try to upgrade my “swag,” but I can’t help but think that a lot of the bold things that non-awkward women do around men are just plain rude.

    My profession has helped me to change a lot. Being in a field that involves selflessness balanced with ambitiousness (teaching and running a research program) has, I suppose, changed me from an INTJ to an ENTJ. Now days, I’m mostly guilty of #13 and #18 (homebody trying hard to get out on a regular basis, scared that some cad will pretend to be interested and waste my time).

    This list needs a #21…you’re socially awkward. :)

  • lifesucks

    hello, I am an Indian
    i am 30yrs old mother of a child. I ran away from my house coz of abusive behaviour of my husband. Met this guy who convience me that he loves me and will help me get my son back. Things were great between us. Even he was married but not happy with his wife. He was jst waiting coz his wife was blackmailing him. His family were happy to knw abt us everything was good. But later things started getting dirty, he lied to me, tried to get physical and wen i opposed he started ignoring me. during this time my family asked me to get back wit my husband coz of my son. I tried to but again the same torture. My family doesnt support me coz they think it will hamper our family name. I didnt know what to do. My family along wit my husband hit me and locked me up. Somehow i manage to ran away. Didnt tell them about my whereabouts. Now the place i am staying no one knows i am married or have kid. My life was revolving aroung my work and home. In between i tried to speak to my son but my husband doesnt allow. I used to just cry whole time. Couldnt make friends coz didnt wanted anyone to know about my past. In between my family came to know abt my workplace, they created such a big scene that i had to fled frm there too. Soon another guy came into my life. He is younger to me. He proposed me 31 times. Said my past is not my future. from last 2 years we are together. We dont stay together. from last 1 half year we are having physical relation. But now i feel he is avoiding me. He doesnt talk to me much, also if he come at my place than its only for sex. I really dont know what to do. He knows i cant go back to my family coz they will kill me also i dont have any other place to go. Sometime i feel i should just start from sctrach again. New place new job but dont have that confidence now. Feel like i can never be happy, i wont have a family who loves me & care for me I had a friend whom i used to “Papaji” which means dad, but he too tried to take advantage of me. I cant trust anyone. Feel like people just want to use me. Coz my husband want to use me, my family want me to go back to my husband coz he helps them financially as well as its a status issue, the person i loved wanted to use me and when it didnt happen he just asked me to leave, now this guy want me only for sex. I want to go away but i am scared i dont want to be alone again. Please help me.

  • Amrita

    Hey thanks, for objectively pointing out my mistakes. You are awesome.

    Thank you again
    Amrita

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  • jasmine

    Your not in the game… and your a homebody. Those are the two I am. Conciderably less than I thought though. In other words, I need to get out more (so true), and I need to gain self confidencs (gonna be hard.)

  • Alex

    1,2,4,7,11,13,15,16,18,

    I always ask myself “Why am I single?”
    Now I know why…. -____-

  • VeriSeeker

    Reader’s Digest version: be yourself and find a guy that accepts you for being yourself.

  • candy

    I can’t do this anymore. I am 28, have bills to pay, and I don’t want a boyfriend. I need marriage. It’s not going to happen in todays world. I have NEEDS. He better fucking deal with it, the way I’m taught to deal with his.

  • Mary t

    Hi I have a question about sex drive. You have mentioned that men do not prefer women with high sex drive for a relationship. Could you please elaborate? I was under the Impression that a common male fear is that their wives will stop putting out once the couple is married..but then why won’t they consider a lady with a health drive?

    Also, I do not believe low sex drive = more feminine…frankly I believe that’s bs. Women with high fertility have high drive and high estrogen becaus they instinctively know their fertility is high…I read a Swedish study on this a while ago – women with wider hips and ample cheeck bones that signal estrogen AlSO tend to hav higher drives.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Mary t

      Sorry about the confusion. Men absolutely do want a high sex drive in a mate, but not one that is evident to other males. It could be summed up this way, which is a common expression: “I want her to be my slut.”

      Sex drive is different from sociosexual orientation (which is your view about casual sex). Men prize sexual faithfulness above all other traits in women, and they use past and present behavior as a basis to predict it.

  • sharebare

    im none of these things :( why am i still single??

  • sharebare

    im probs single cause im fat and ugly :).

  • Lol

    APparently I’m almost everything on this list except pushover and number too high. lol.

  • Jaydub

    @Hotgirl

    Oh em gee. You and me are the same. Guys and girls alike hate me. Spread rumours about me like butter. Got people to stop associating with me. I never let it get to me, though. But I don’t understand it either! I’ve been told I was beautiful, but due to low self esteem I can no longer see it.

  • Reen

    Wait, wait, wait….you’re serious??? A WOMAN wrote this mysoginistic, clichéd set of rules for how to become the perfect female lapdog?

    WOW.

  • Miranda

    I’m none of them things so now u tell me why I cant get a bf and NEVER slept with no one

  • Lindsey

    Is it possible to be too…”unique” (to put it lightly) to find someone who likes you? I understand I’m only 18 so I have plenty of time, but I feel like guys only see me as a friend. I’m not saying that’s bad, I love my friends, but, sometimes, I think they forget I’m a girl (or human, for that matter). Although I dress very girly, I’d say I’m very quirky. I mean, sometimes, I feel like an alien for crying out loud! I don’t know how to describe it better, I just do weird things like avoiding the cracks on the sidewalk or shaking my hands when I have too much energy or breaking out into song when something reminds me of a lyric. I’ve tried to stop, but, then, I feel like I’m not me–and I’d rather be alone forever than force myself to be another person. I’m asking because my mom is always saying I say and do too many stupid things. I always thought I was just vibrant, but…I’m starting to think I’m just too weird.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Lindsey

      You sound delightfully quirky. Do not suppress that part of yourself! As you get older, you will find guys who appreciate that side of you.

  • elsie

    so… what are we supposed to be?

  • Catalina

    Excellent article!

  • Becky

    Like Lindsey, I’m only 18, but have never had a boyfriend… I’ve done a lot more work on coming out of my shell, but there doesn’t seem to be any way for me to meet guys. (All the ones in Uni are taken or not interested :'( ) Do you have any suggestions, lest I spend the rest of my days as a crazy cat lady?

  • Christina

    This article was a pretty interesting read.

    Currently, I’m not looking for a relationship… I’m 23 right now, and I have never dated anybody. There’s times though that I do get a little sad because it feel like I’m the only one who isn’t in a relationship. I’m also affraid that nobody will be attracted to me, because I’m not a “wild, partying girly-girl”. It was a little hard for me to pinpoint who I am in that list, but the best I can do is list some things about me:

    – I’m not a girly-girl… more of a country girl. I don’t like wearing makeup or wearing revealing clothes(but the revealing clothes thing is more of a modesty issue for me). I’m not into girly things either… I actually enjoy working on my car like changing the oil, and I really REALLY love the outdoors. And I’m also a nerd and into a few geeky-guy things. The only girly thing that I like doing is making jewelry.

    – I’m a quiet person, but I’m not affraid to get into a conversation with people either… but I’m also careful about what I talk about and who I’m talking to, because of so many bad people that are out there nowadays. I’m actually alot better than I was growing up… I wouldn’t say that I’m shy, I’m just naturally a quiet person. Once I get to talking to somebody and getting to know them, I’m more outgoing.

    – I don’t think looks matter, but I do my best with important hygiene, grooming, ect… alot of people tell me that I am attractive, but I usually don’t pay attention to myself about that… not because I’m putting myself down, it’s just something that I don’t make a huge fuss about. If people don’t like me because I’m not “super-hot”, they’re not worth my time. Basing somebody soley on their looks is mean and shallow.

    – In my personal opinion, I think that both people in a relationship need faith of some sorts. When the time comes, it would probably be wise for me to find somebody who shares similar beliefs and values that I do, because to me that would make people closer to each other and the relationship would have a better chance of being a happier one.

  • AboutToGiveUpHope

    I must be exaggerating one way or the other, or somehow I must be trying the wrong thing with the wrong guys. I’m just getting really tired and I’m trying to convince myself to just give up and be alone.

    For trying to give enough space I’ve been called a cold calculating bitch and accused of using men for sex, or the guys just ignore me. I guess I don’t know what the middle of the road is with compromising: either the guy ends up walking all over me or I’m told I’m too high maintenance.

    I try to be reserved usually because when I’m nice guys assume I’m flirting with them and this is normally just the wrong guys. I tried flirting with a guy and things seemed to be great but he wants to talk to me only when he wants to talk and he wants to talk only about what he wants to talk about.

    It’s just so frustrating.

  • ~Inam~

    I must say,I don’t know what wrong I have done to men,I am actually pretty,as everyone tells me,extroverted,a bit loud and I can sing,bake and play the guitar.I amalso doing my undergraduate program in Accounting.I just don’t get the reason why every guy I have dated or come in contact with has always hurt me.They either cheat on me,act nonchalant with me or give me crap.I am 20 and have never been in a loving relationship.Please tell me where I am wrong as I am tired of crying and trying to figure out where I am wrong.*NB*I am a virgin…

  • HanSolo

    @Inam

    Can you provide some more info on these guys? Don’t take offense but at first glance, it sounds like you’re going for guys that are players, badboy/cads (the cheating), or slightly out of your league (acting nonchalant and giving you crap).

    I think that there are good guys that would like you and be faithful. It’s just a question of giving more of them a chance and the badboys less a chance.

    Now, I could be wrong about my 3 guesses above but with my many female friends that suffer in love one of those things has usually been present.

    Good luck and feel free to share more if you think it will be helpful.

  • Cooper

    @~Inam~

    What strikes out at me is that you’ve been “hurt” (cheated on) by guys you hadn’t slept with.
    Whether or not it even constitutes being cheated on, would depend on whether you had spoken about being exclusive. (Which for you may have included a “must wait” talk – not necessarily a bad thing!)
    It speaks to me that you must be holding out for someone who will put a high level of investment into you, and the relationship. Nothing wrong with that; in fact, it’s great. But you do have to accept the poor results along with holding out for someone worth it.

    Without sounding super-cliche, I think you’ve been “dodging bullets” when it comes the guys you mention.

    I’m introverted, but “a bit loud” and “sings” would not exactly be huge attractors to me, if not slightly annoying.
    I know one loud girl (who sings A LOT – not that you do), and she comes off as very obnoxious.

  • Cooper

    IOW, your poor results are indicitive of high standards.

    Now, you may just have too high standard, in general – or it can be cause your high value. (And know it)

  • Just1Z

    @Inam

    for what it is worth, I think that you just found the right blog to find answers to your questions.

    Susan might be able to point you at a few old posts when she gets a chance, or hit the archives in the meantime.

    good luck

  • INTJ

    @ Inam

    Since you’re extraverted, you probably approach guys you’re interested in. But in case you don’t, do so. The likelyhood of a random guy you approach hurting you is a lot lower than the likelyhood that a guy who approaches you will hurt you.

  • ~Inam~

    Looks like I have come to the right site.@Cooper.I get what u mean by the slightly annoying part but the truth is,I don’t even sing everywhere.I mean,I have been part of a music competition and m kinda popular around my area.As for the virginity part,it just hasn’t occurred to me to give it up to some guys who haven’t ever treated me right.Most of my Exes are Sit-at-home boyfriends.No dates,no gifts,nothing..When i complain,they say they always had plans of surprising me and blah blah…I am getting tired of the whole thing…Thanks for all your advice and support though..it means a lot to me

  • Alex

    I’m number 5, I will change my ways in 2013.

  • Mako

    @Inam

    I sort of stumbled on this site but it is a very enlightening and open conversation. In this day of semi-anonymous vitriol, it is very refreshing.

    There are a lot of great posts but I would like to comment to Inam, at least for now. =)

    My advice would be not to “give it up” to push a relationship forward. Find someone who can be your best friend and shares at least a good portion of your outlook on life. I will agree with some, that maintaining your virginity in a relationship has a tendency to be viewed as not a monogamous one by men. Again, please do not use this as an excuse or license to have sex. You should find someone that feels right.

    I met a woman and we were in a new relationship. She ended up being a virgin when we first had sex but did not tell me until after. I was a little taken aback by that. I cared for her, but frankly did not envision us being together forever. I would have slowed things down and made sure we were both open to a physical relationship, had I known beforehand.

  • Zam

    The NUMBER ONE above all others on this list should be:

    1.) YOU ARE NOT IN SHAPE. Eat right and hit the gym so that you have a healthy BMI.

  • INTJ

    @ Zam

    The NUMBER ONE above all others on this list should be:

    1.) YOU ARE NOT IN SHAPE. Eat right and hit the gym so that you have a healthy BMI.

    BMI is not the best indicator of fitness though. Body fat percentage is much better.

  • Dolly

    Im screwed!!!!

  • suzycreamcheese

    you forgot the most obvious one. dont be old. if you’re much past 30 good luck

  • ~Inam~

    Happy New year everyone….This year,I am more focused on improving myself and being the right girl every man would want to have instead of looking 4 d right man…I have this feeling he is coming my way very very soon ;) besides,I’m just 21.Hope y’all had a blast last year and I wish u all d best this year

  • http://www.squidoo.com/good-morning-messages-to-girlfirend TaniaStar

    So true! I never thought of this, but I actually have some of those mistakes :) I think my biggest mistake is playing too hard to get… I do not why I always act like this, but on the other hand, I kind of like it :P

  • sketchgiirl

    Yikes, I’m all of those things & then some. Annnnnd I’m 36. Was married, no kids. Good luck everyone! Maybe 2013 is the year for us. I can’t believe this article was written 3 or more years ago!

  • SingleLady

    Why don’t they just sum it by saying you’re single because I just don’t like you? The problem with this story is that the presumption is there’s something wrong with being single and that all married people are perfect…which we all know is BS

  • SingleLady

    and of course the men who write such things are all sooo flawless right…and not the least bit judgmental? LOL

  • Sarah

    I feel like I am an odd combination of these things! I’m probably most prone to being ‘one of the lads’ and probably ‘too ditzy’ but the thing is I don’t mean to be! As well as this I’m ginger and I feel like I’m really ugly compared to my peer group so I just think I’m going to be forever alone with my cats ;)

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      As well as this I’m ginger and I feel like I’m really ugly compared to my peer group so I just think I’m going to be forever alone with my cats

      Why do Brits hate on gingers? I have heard many men say they love red hair on women. Is this a UK thing?

  • Sarah

    I think it is and I have no idea why. I have always been bullied for my hair colour but I’m not going to change it just because someone has told me too! I’ve just accepted the fact that we are discriminated against but it’s just not as obvious as racism!

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Sarah

      That is ridiculous! Hold your head up and be proud. I looked it up – red hair is the rarest in the world. 14% of Scots and 10% of Irish are redheads, so it’s not surprising that many British women are as well.

  • Chelsea

    Help me, Susan!
    I recently turned 21 and have never had a boyfriend, have never been on a date, and have never been kissed. I will admit that I am guilty of being shy (especially around people I’ve never met) and being a homebody (though this is mostly due to the work load in my major). I tend to be cautious at first and am quiet and observant but I will jump into a conversation when I feel like it. After that initial conversation, I’m usually a lot more open and fun.
    However, because of some debilitating body issues I had when I was younger (thankfully they are now fixed), I have never felt comfortable in the club/ party scene (despite the fact I live in the Boston area and am 30 minutes away from some of the best clubs in the area). Because of these issues, I’m severely lacking in self- confidence (thought I have greatly improved in the last 4 years). I tend to wear sweat shirts and jeans during the week and scrubs (I’m a Vet Tech major) on days when I have labs. If my friends and I go into the city I usually dress up more and wear cosmetics.

  • Chelsea

    People who see my picture in my mother’s office always tell her that I’m gorgeous. I’m of the opinion that they don’t truely mean it because my mother is an office supervisor. All of my friends and family say that I’m beautiful, smart, and fun/ funny. I’m super caring, loyal to a fault and I love animals of all shapes, sizes and species. I don’t drink or do drugs or smoke (cigarettes or pot) and I have an above average GPA for my major. I just don’t understand how I don’t have/ never have had a boyfriend when all of the sluts at my school have one. Even my insane dorm major has had a bevy of boyfriends. And every guy I’ve ever been interested has either been interested in a friend, has had a friend of mine interested in them or is gay.
    With yet another Valentine’s Day looming upon my campus, the campus activiety commity has yet again started putting out flyers for Valentine’s Day gifts and gift baskets. With yet another lonely Valentine’s Day coming up and being bombarded with all of its iconic imagery, it just really struck me that I’ve never had a relationship with a member of the opposite sex outside of friendship ( my own mother calls me a “fag hag” because of the insane number of gay friends I have) and the only guy who has shown interest in me is a creepy coworker who is my parents’ age (in his late 40s) and is infamous for dating girls far younger than himself.
    Please help,
    Chelsea

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Chelsea

      You need to get comfortable in your own skin. That is the first order of business. Take some time to get more comfortable in social situations – I suggest working with a therapist who takes a Cognitive Behavioral approach. I have known young people with social anxiety who benefited enormously from this approach.

      Don’t even think about guys right now – give yourself some time, six months or a year, that is only going to be about your personal growth and happiness. Once you have gotten to a place you feel good about, then you will come across very differently to others. My guess is that right now you are radiating anxiety, and that is never attractive – it makes other people uncomfortable. You could be the most beautiful girl in the world and this would still be true.

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  • Prettygirl

    Hi,

    I’ve been in contact EVERY DAY with a guy now for a month (never met, just messaging), anyway, I’m afraid in hindsight I realise I may have committed some fatal mistakes, such as talking about other guys, marriage etc etc.. :/ Anyway, I initiated contact today and although he did reply it was short and didn’t have the same “feel” as has been going on.. Am wondering if there is anyway to backtrack this situation, or erase my blunders. Should I ask out straight if there was anything I said that upset him or anything like this??

    I don’t want to let him slip through my fingers..

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Prettygirl

      It does sound like he has cooled. It may have something to do with you, or perhaps nothing at all. You have no idea what may be happening in his own life or his own head. If you want an answer, go ahead and ask, but don’t expect that to rekindle his feelings. The good news is that never having met you don’t have much invested.

      For future reference, I agree that talking about other guys is a huge mistake, as is talking about marriage before you’ve even met!

  • Prettygirl

    Well.. I didn’t think I had much invested, until I noticed the cooling off.. And then, it hit me.. :(

  • Ameerah

    I’ve got to be honest, I don’t do any of these behaviors. I go out a lot, I talk to a lot of people, I’m nice and smile a lot, and I don’t put up wig everything, but a lot of things (Listing every other reason on the list kind of seem pointless). I’ve never had a boyfriend…. Is that the reason I’m still single? I’m just a high school freshman, but am I thinking to far ahead? I just need some dating experience so in college I won’t be an awkward prude who’s going to have a really difficult time of getting a man. What should I do?

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Ameerah

      I’m just a high school freshman, but am I thinking to far ahead?

      Yes you are! You’re only 15, just practice interacting with guys and getting to know them in groups. I regularly hear from women in their 20s who have never had a boyfriend. You’ve got lots of time, enjoy it without worrying about this.

  • Titania

    Susan Walsh, i need your help. i am nine out of twenty on your list. And i don’t know where to start!

  • Isaiah

    If you’re a guy like me then these 20 things would be drastically changed. It’s a whole ‘nother game with guys and guys. Guys and girls I understand, but girls and girls is just… Otherworldly.

  • na

    what’s wrong with being shy? that’s how some people are and it’s hard for them to change.. maybe they cant help it maybe they have social anxiety. It’s stupid, it’s like telling people to change just to get a guy/girl. Same for guys.. they can be shy too

  • http://capturehisheartreview.net Jenny

    Wow great advice. Unfortunately I can be one of those drunk girls dancing on top of tables at parties :(

  • pandabear13

    This is a wonderful article! Although I am much too young for a relationship (7th grade), I can sense trouble with guys. I am none of these but shy, and even when I do talk to guys they just dont seem attracted… I can even make friends with my sister’s college friends! I am not bad looking either… Why is it I can’t make a guy friend my own age?

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  • Anna

    OMG. Really??? I’m all of this!!! Would you like me to stop breathing too??? This article is rediculous. We all have imperfections and hence we are you human. Guys are not ideal either. I am so not following this advice. And I’m not changing my behaviors. Because I rather be single and happy then do all this stuff. It’s just boring!

  • Chey

    I really like this article. There is a guy that I like, but every time I try to drop hints, he never notices. However, I now realize that I am “not in the game” and scared and etc. I just need help to build our relationship.

  • na

    Anna I completely agree with you

  • penguin333

    im agressive :( …. and flakey

  • Aiyana

    Hello Susanna,
    I think you are missing another important point that there are just too many self centred opinionated jerks out there who need to be taught how to behave, I’ve seen women’s lives get ruined from dating guys. So i don’t want that to happen to me.
    I am someone who has done all of the personal development there is to do and i’m beautiful and I know I am yet I have met men who have called me ugly or tried to put me down just for believing in myself there are asses out there. Some guys I have met were just too self centred and not bothered in personal now a relationship is not going to be healthy if only one person is doing the growth and the any just doesn’t want to give anything back.

  • Aiyana

    ****personal development

  • Aiyana

    ***any=other

  • I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY, QUOTE FROM BIBLE

    “I just want you to be happy!”

    I often get asked on why I am not married, my answers usually vary from person to person, however when I ask “why do you want me to get married?” the answer I often get, whether it’s from family, friends or co-workers is “I just want you to be happy”

    Now let’s analyze that phrase

    Were you unhappy to begin with?

    Notice how it’s only when you are happiest, when all your finances are in order, when life is wonderful; do people recommand getting married and question you for not being married.

    If marriage = happiness, why don’t they ever recommend getting married when you are at your lowest? when life has really got you down, when you are broke and have no job, when you are, by every definition of the word, “a loser”.

    To me it makes no sense to marry anyone when you are at your highest because how do you know that they will be there when hit rock bottom. If you won the lottery today your true friends are the ones that were there for you BEFORE not after you won.

    Did ancient wisdom say marriage was the key to happiness?

    I always say this but if marraige means so much to people, why do people never bother researching it? For everything else whether it’s a career, a unviersity course, a home loan, investment, nearly every important life decision you are expected to research and get advice.

    Yet when it comes to marriage you are NEVER expected to question, you are NEVER surppose to ask “what’s in it for me?”.

    Many ancient philosophers, cultures and religions knew that marraige was important for survival but NOT for happiness. Like a bad tasting medicine.

    For example: When Zeus wanted to punish mankind, he did so by creating a gift mankind could not refuse i.e. he made women. Read Hesiod on how Pandora was created. But for a laugh here is some select phrases

    “From her is the race of women and female kind:
    of her is the deadly race and tribe of women who
    live amongst mortal men to their great trouble,
    no helpmates in hateful poverty, but only in wealth.”

    “Hermes gave her a shameful mind and deceitful nature
    Hermes also gave her the power of speech, putting in her lies and crafty words”

    How about Buddhism?
    “If it were not for women being admitted into [our order], my teachings would have lasted 1000 years, now they will not last 500.”
    Gautama Buddha, Digha Nikaya 3

    “Women, with their two-fingered wisdom [i.e. stupid], have a difficult time [understanding what I teach].”
    Gautama Buddha, Sayutta Nikaya 4

    Christianity?
    Proverbs 21:19
    It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.

    The point I am trying to make is that marriage was NEVER regarded as the key to happiness, the only time marriage began to be viewed as the ultimate “happy ending” was during the last couple hundred years, with the rise of romantic Arthurian stories and fairytales did the whole notion that “marriage = happiness” come into view.

    What makes you happy?

    Think about the things that make you happy, anything, whether it be hanging out with friends, camping, going on holidays, what ever it may be, now does marriage enhance those things or is it more likely to take those things away from you?

    I know that if I was to ever get married nearly everything I enjoy will be either taken away from me or if cup cake does let me, by the time I get a chance I will be so exhausted from running errands, listening to her nag or simply working the job I hate to pay off the mortgage I didn’t want, that I will simply not be mentally or physically able to do the activities I like.

    We often joke in weddings about how once a man gets married, his friends will never see him again, and there is alot of truth behind those jokes, yet they can only be said in comedic form, otherwise it might offend the women in the room. If a married man cannot see his friends or do things he enjoys I guarantee you it is NOT because he is having so much hot sex with his that he cannot physically walk (in reality she is probably withholding sex to get what she wants), nor is it because she is such good company (in reality he is forced to listen to constant nagging, gossip and being ridiculed), or even the fact that he gets more happiness from being with her (HAHAHAHA yeah right!).

    The sad truth is, marriage drains everything from you, your freedom, energy, time, and happiness, to the point that you just give up and trudge along like prisoners of war on a forced march.

    That is why when people say they want me to be get married “to be happy”, it makes no sense at all. When people say this, what they are really implying is you have earned enough so that someone else can live/leech off you.

    It has nothing to do with happiness. NONE

    If you think getting married is the ticket to a happy life, stand in front of a family court and see what the end result is. Thomas James Ball was a man who got married, did he have a “happy ending”? no his life ended with him immolating himself when the woman who promised to love and be there for him, left and took his children away.

    So why do people want me to get married?
    simple they want me to pay for someone else, they want to keep the slavery system going, because they know that once one slave escapes the prison, chances are a few others will join him and make a run for it until the whole system collapses.

  • GUYS OPINION

    “I just want you to be happy!”
    I often get asked on why I am not married, my answers usually vary from person to person, however when I ask “why do you want me to get married?” the answer I often get, whether it’s from family, friends or co-workers is “I just want you to be happy”
    Now let’s analyze that phrase
    Were you unhappy to begin with?
    Notice how it’s only when you are happiest, when all your finances are in order, when life is wonderful; do people recommand getting married and question you for not being married. why don’t they ever recommend getting married when you are at your lowest? when life has really got you down, when you are broke and have no job, when you are, by every definition of the word, “a loser”.
    To me it makes no sense to marry anyone when you are at your highest because how do you know that they will be there when hit rock bottom. If you won the lottery today your true friends are the ones that were there for you BEFORE not after
    I always say this but if marraige means so much to people, why do people never bother researching it? For everything else whether it’s a career, a unviersity course, a home loan, investment, nearly every important life decision you are expected to research and get advice.
    Yet when it comes to marriage you are NEVER expected to question, you are NEVER surppose to ask “what’s in it for me?”.
    Many ancient philosophers, cultures and religions knew that marraige was important for survival but NOT for happiness. Like a bad tasting medicine.
    For example: When Zeus wanted to punish mankind, he did so by creating a gift mankind could not refuse i.e. he made women. Read Hesiod on how Pandora was created. But for a laugh here is some select phrases
    “From her is the race of women and female kind:
    of her is the deadly race and tribe of women who
    live amongst mortal men to their great trouble,
    no helpmates in hateful poverty, but only in wealth.”
    “Hermes gave her a shameful mind and deceitful nature
    Hermes also gave her the power of speech, putting in her lies and crafty words”
    How about Buddhism?
    “If it were not for women being admitted into [our order], my teachings would have lasted 1000 years, now they will not last 500.”
    Gautama Buddha, Digha Nikaya 3
    “Women, with their two-fingered wisdom [i.e. stupid], have a difficult time [understanding what I teach].”
    Gautama Buddha, Sayutta Nikaya
    Christianity?
    Proverbs 21:19
    It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.
    The point I am trying to make is that marriage was NEVER regarded as the key to happiness, the only time marriage began to be viewed as the ultimate “happy ending” was during the last couple hundred years, with the rise of romantic Arthurian stories and fairytales did the whole notion that “marriage = happiness” come into view
    Think about the things that make you happy, anything, whether it be hanging out with friends, camping, going on holidays, what ever it may be, now does marriage enhance those things or is it more likely to take those things away from you?
    I know that if I was to ever get married nearly everything I enjoy will be either taken away from me or if cup cake does let me, by the time I get a chance I will be so exhausted from running errands, listening to her nag or simply working the job I hate to pay off the mortgage I didn’t want, that I will simply not be mentally or physically able to do the activities I like.
    We often joke in weddings about how once a man gets married, his friends will never see him again, and there is alot of truth behind those jokes, yet they can only be said in comedic form, otherwise it might offend the women in the room. If a married man cannot see his friends or do things he enjoys I guarantee you it is NOT because he is having so much hot sex with his that he cannot physically walk (in reality she is probably withholding sex to get what she wants), nor is it because she is such good company (in reality he is forced to listen to constant nagging, gossip and being ridiculed), or even the fact that he gets more happiness from being with her (HAHAHAHA yeah right!).
    The sad truth is, marriage drains everything from you, your freedom, energy, time, and happiness, to the point that you just give up and trudge along like prisoners of war on a forced march
    That is why when people say they want me to be get married “to be happy”, it makes no sense at all. When people say this, what they are really implying is you have earned enough so that someone else can live/leech off you.
    It has nothing to do with happiness. NONE
    If you think getting married is the ticket to a happy life, stand in front of a family court and see what the end result is. Thomas James Ball was a man who got married, did he have a “happy ending”? no his life ended with him immolating himself when the woman who promised to love and be there for him, left and took his children away.
    So why do people want me to get married?
    simple they want me to pay for someone else, they want to keep the slavery system going, because they know that once one slave escapes the prison, chances are a few others will join him and make a run for it until the whole system collapses.

  • Aina

    I’m not really any of those things… At least I don’t think so… I hope not..
    Well I have noticed that all those reasons are my type of “friends” they more or less have those traits. They often always get the guys and Boyfriends. I am more or less shyish, quiet and not the best social type person, I’m kinda of awkward and well yeah. I still talk to guys and let them no I like them in a discreet manner…. But then my friends get them and catch their attention! What I don’t understand… They don’t even care how I feel after they take them and they it ruins the relationship (friendship) between me and the guy… So I mean I no I should not talk or hang out with them anymore but then the next group comes along and I feel like this keeps happening to me :/ so if you could lead me in the general direction to prevent this from happening please let me know! Thank you so much!

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  • Diane

    Wow this really helped me! Thank you so much! I am guilty of being WAY TOO PICKY and I’m also not in the game. I think I should just stop being so judgmental of others and just focus on trying to help myself. I normally help other people out, but I never given any thought to help myself out until now. So I really want to thank you, this really did help me out!

  • chiz

    I am shocked..and hate to admit it but im guilty of EIGHT out of the 20 ..I like players
    Im not in the game
    Im a mean girl
    Im too picky
    Im a girl gone wild
    Im scared
    Im too hard to get
    And im flaky

    I am 21 years old and ive never had a boyfriend, ive had flings but nothing ever gets serious i stop it before it does… I met a guy a year ago, nothing ever happened but there were hints;my friends kept telling me he likes me and i need to tell him i like him…but i just felt why couldnt he tell me first!? because i thought he might be one of those players i usually like and i was too scared to be rejected…. so obviously I did everything I possibly could to look like I couldnt care less ..the usual, girl gone wild, flaking out, being mean, I wasnt in the game because I always say if a guy likes me enough he’ll do anything to get me …well he has a girlfriend now and i just cant get over him! the worst is I still dont know if he maybe liked me too.. I wish I could do it all over again!!!
    So those 8 are spot on ..my signature aproach to dating … so seeing all those in the article is making me rethink my ways … thanks :)

  • Stella

    I am sorry but I disagree with the push over one … I know plenty of women who are push overs yet they have bagged themselves hot sought after guys.. who often worship the ground they walk on when they are not cheating on them or talking to them like idiots. However for some reason these guys have chosen to stick with my girlfriends.. I know 3 pushovers 1 of the 3 is very attractive but the other 2 are average. They are not very good gorlfriends and drop their friends like that in favour of their boyfriends they are all close and over the last three years all have become inseperable sextuplets going out doing couply things and marriage and pregnancies have been announced and I am happy for the lot of them I truly am.. I just don’t think being a push over is in this case stopping anyone in fact it seems to be what is making the guy stay with her. Go figure??? I give up completely I MUST live in a parallel universe or something… I am preparing to die alone! 38 and fed up.. been thru all the sights, life coaches, dating coaches and what ever else the next fad will be life just makes no sense.. loose weight be more attractive be independent… then you become or are all of these things and you end up with no one.. and the fat, unattractive and boring women get the hot guys that comitt to them. something very wrong with life!! I am not shallow.. I never used to think like this but 8 years of enforced singleness has made me bitter and feeling like my life is well and truly over!! I used to be really nice honestly… but life has me feeling cheated!

  • Valentin

    I used to be really nice honestly… but life has me feeling cheated!

    You and me both sister, and alot of other people too. We really should stop telling our kids that if you work hard and become a decent person you will be rewarded with what you feel you merit.
    You have my sympathy and all I can say is try and focus on the positives in your life. If you focus on what you want but don’t have you’ll just end up wasting your life away day by day making yourself miserable.
    I know it’s shitty advice but it’s all I have and something that works in my experience.

  • mplo

    As an attractive woman with a history of developmental disabilities, I have never, ever been able to snag a guy. No guys have ever fallen for me, so I gave up trying to get guys interested a long time ago. Rather than go out with guys I can’t connect with or dislike intensely, I have opted to remain single, and I have no regrets. I have lots of interests in life, and it’s more important to me that I cultivate my interests.

  • Ashley

    Well its official. I’m 5,6, 13, and 14. I had my first “boyfriend” in 4th grade and I ended it really soon after it happened. Now, I’m about to enter 11th. Since then I’ve had three or so guys express interest in me;however, I’m shy and really didn’t have a great “first” experience (the boy was extremely clingy). Now, I’m about to enter 11th grade and really want to start having real boyfriends. I am shy, but attractive, and I think that makes me seem unapproachable to guys. I put off a weird vibe I guess to guys because most of them don’t try to get my attention or they do and I don’t notice. I’m sort of picky, but I mean my standards aren’t ridiculous; where I live there are zero attractive guys who are single and not too old for me. I’m almost 16 by the way. I feel very discouraged and don’t won’t to go another school year being the single “forever alone” girl in my group of friends (not that they all have boyfriends, but my best friend does who encourages me to get out and flirt). I feel like I’ve missed so many opportunities by being shy and unresponsive. What should I do to get the notice of attractive guys? How should I react if I guy flirts with me? I am almost completely clueless about guys. (I don’t know if this helps but I’m smart, I take honors and AP classes and am considered a part of the “nerd” group… but my personality is complete opposite.) Could someone please give me tips? Thanks if you do comment or even if you read this. I know it probably sounds ridiculous but I really need to get out there.

  • Beth

    231 Ashley, you have absolutely nothing to worry about in the 11th grade except making yourself look as pretty as possible and smiling a lot. Cultivate your hobbies and interests. Go to the gym if you want. Or find some other physical activity that you enjoy. Eat well so you’ll have beautiful skin and wear lots of sunscreen. Drink water and don’t drink alcohol. That is it.

    Read the Rules Revisited. Read this Blog. Be a good friend when all of your girlfriends cry about their boyfriends being awful to them. Don’t go to the same college as your friends just because your friends are going there. Chances are you won’t still talk to them ten years from now unless you’ve known each other since you were babies. Don’t give up your v-card to the first guy that notices you. Don’t waste your twenties chasing after bad boys, staying home, or worrying excessively about your career. Be genuinely sweet and interested in your future boyfriends.

    When you do have a boyfriend memorize this post:

    http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2012/08/09/relationshipstrategies/25-politically-incorrect-but-effective-ways-to-make-him-your-boyfriend/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+HookingUpSmart+%28Hooking+Up+Smart%29

    Signed a 27 year old who is still learning this stuff.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Beth

      Welcome, and thank you for leaving a comment! I invite you to join our regular conversations.

  • Beth

    231 Ashley, Oh yeah and if you do want to —try to downplay being smart a little. Don’t act stupid but also don’t flaunt how smart you are at the same time. Seek a balance. Like if a guy tells you something you already know, don’t immediately say oh yeah I know or wait don’t you mean x, y, and z?

  • Beth

    Thank you so much Susan! I’ve learned so much from you and Andrew and other bloggers in such a short time. Much of it is very discouraging and it’s difficult to read through the more misogynistic writings of Roosh, etc. but I am grateful for any advice that will help me.

    • http://www.hookingupsmart.com Susan Walsh

      @Beth

      Andrew is money. Do not read Roosh or Roissy. There is almost no benefit and enormous potential downside. These are damaged, sociopathic men who avoid relationships. They have nothing to teach women.

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