20 Reasons You Don’t Have a Boyfriend
Manolith, a men’s lifestyle online magazine, recently ran the article 20 Reasons You’re Still Single. I was delighted to learn that there are apparently a significant number of men who want a relationship and need advice. The piece addresses a wide range of typical male weaknesses, including questionable hygiene, douchebaggery and being “too nice.”
One of the premises of Hooking Up Smart is that in general, men are more interested in sexual variety than women, and therefore less interested in committed relationships. Individual preferences fall within a spectrum, but current relationship and cultural dynamics can be said to favor the male. Women need to be smart and strategic if they want to secure and maintain a satisfying relationship.
Many contributing factors have created “hookup culture,” where physical intimacy precedes emotional intimacy, which may or may not develop. While the odds may be against committed relationships, there are some happy couples to be seen around. Even at college, that Happy Hookup Hunting Ground, you see couples walking hand in hand. It happens.
Is it a matter of luck? Right place, right time? Or are there women who have a knack for bringing out the boyfriend in guys? None of us can control luck or timing. We can present our best physical selves by taking care of ourselves and taking pride in our appearance, but we can’t mess (much) with the genetic hand we’ve been dealt. That’s the bad news.
The good news is that we can control our behavior, and that can change everything! I’m not suggesting that you change to get yourself a man. I’m suggesting that there are certain behaviors that men, as well as discriminating women, find unattractive. In fact, there are certain behaviors that actually telegraph that you are not relationship material. Becoming aware of those behaviors, and getting rid of them, can be very powerful in changing the way that you are perceived.
My 20 tough love reasons for why you don’t have a boyfriend:
1. You’re needy. You met him last weekend, he texted a few times, and now you just won’t leave the guy alone. You went from 0 to 60 in a few days. You’re already planning for next weekend. This is probably the #1 behavior that gets girls labeled psycho in the early days.
2. You like players. You say you want a nice guy, but you fall for the same lines again and again. You can’t resist the bad boys, the ones who have dumped on other women. You think that you will be different, that nabbing a player will validate your feminine powers. But the player always wins, because the player always walks.
3. You’re a princess. You want a man who will proclaim to the world that he is whipped as butter. He will worship the very ground you walk on. Trouble is, the only men who will happily inhabit a one-down position in a relationship have no balls. Do you really want a guy who will eagerly go to a bunch of chick flicks with you? Wouldn’t you rather accompany him to Transformers from time to time?
4. You flirt too much. Flirting is an essential skill in any woman’s toolkit. It is meant to indicate to a guy that you are singling him out for special attention because you are attracted to him. If you flirt like crazy with every Y chromosome you encounter, it loses its effectiveness, and makes you seem “not very choosy.” Also, if you are spending time with a guy but can’t stand the idea of hiding your light under a bushel, he is not going to appreciate your flirting with other men. It makes him look and feel less manly, and awakens unwelcome feelings of jealousy.
5. You’re not in the game. If you’re shy, reserved, or aloof, you are not approachable. Many beautiful women are ignored by guys because the odds of rejection are too high. You also telegraph likely rejection if you hold back. If you find a guy attractive, meet him halfway by signaling your interest with eye contact and a smile. If you know him, pay him some attention.
6. You’re too picky. You want a guy who is well-educated, financially successful, handsome, funny, witty, generous, blah blah blah. You want a 10. Get realistic. How about well-educated, funny and generous? Or handsome and witty, but a poet, i.e. broke? Perhaps financially successful, generous and fun to be with, but never went to college? Keep an open mind when you’re sizing up men. Allow yourself to find the good.
7. You’re a Girl Gone Wild. Stop dancing on tabletops when you’re drunk. In fact, stop getting drunk. Drunk is ugly. No one, male or female, ever became more attractive when they got drunk (beer goggles just fool you into thinking they did). When you are drunk, you say and do foolish things. Step away from the beer pong table. If you wouldn’t do it sober…then you really don’t want to do it at all.
8. You’re ditzy. I once knew a very smart woman who exclaimed at a frat party that she thought Mt. Rushmore was a natural phenomenon. I don’t know why some women love to get all girly and giggly. I suppose it makes them feel sexier, a la Marilyn Monroe. If you’re with a guy who wants his women stupid, you need a new guy. Lose the simpering act.
9. You’re a Mean Girl. Seriously, stop being a bitch. I’ve heard guys speak in awe (and fear) of mean girls, but Chuck Bass is the only guy I’ve ever seen who really wanted to love one, and he’s fictitious. Sometimes, guys want to get with mean girls because they’re powerful, but that relationship isn’t about love.
10. You’re high maintenance. You always feel slighted. He’s always saying and doing the wrong thing. Your feelings are constantly hurt, and he is constantly apologizing. Fighting all the time can be rewarding in the short-term, because it amps up the sexual tension for makeup sex, but ultimately it’s a total boner-killer.
11. You’re aggressive. You act like one of the guys. You pursue, make moves, call the shots. You say that you’re a liberated woman, so you can grab whatever cock grabs your fancy. That will get you laid, but try to remember that it’s the male of the species that got the big dose of testosterone. That male is biologically programmed to seek his complementary opposite – which includes a much larger dose of estrogen. You can be strong, independent, and very, very female.
12. You’re self-absorbed. You talk about yourself all the time. You talk about your ex all the time. You cry on his shoulder all the time when you don’t get what you want. You’re not really giving. You’re not emotionally engaged in a caring and generous way. If you’re not curious about him; if you are not hungry for details about who he is and what he’s into, then maybe he’s the wrong guy. Or maybe you’re the wrong girl.
13. You’re a homebody. You’re not out there meeting new people every day. You are not going through each day looking to interact with and smile at attractive and approachable people. And by the way, get off the cell phone. The adorable guy behind you in line at Starbucks can’t say hi if you’re on your phone, plus he’s hearing you sound like a complete idiot with your BFF.
14. You’re too hard to get. Yes, everyone likes a challenge. No one likes eager or desperate. But employing “The Rules” or some other silly tactic is just going to leave you solo. If he asks you out spontaneously for tonight, that’s a real invitation. If you are interested, accept. A guy’s suggesting a plan on the spur of the moment is not him treating you badly. It’s him expressing an interest in spending time with you. (Obviously, do the opposite of what I say here if it’s a booty call situation.)
15. Your number is too high. OK, fine, you don’t want any guy who cares about how many people you’ve slept with. Problem is….that’s most guys. You don’t have to tell anyone your personal data. Just be aware that when you’re making the rounds within a certain community or group of friends, word gets out fast. I don’t think there has ever, ever been a guy who got laid and didn’t tell anyone about it afterwards. If your number is high and that fact is well known, you have every right to find a new pack of males and revirginate reinvent yourself.
16. You’re flaky. A plan is a commitment. Don’t blow someone off when something better comes along. Don’t ditch him because your friend “really needs you.” Don’t double book yourself. Don’t be late. Don’t get drunk and not show. Women constantly complain that men aren’t reliable, but I’ve seen plenty of women flake out on guys.
17. You’re materialistic. You know what? The best dates are cheap dates. In fact, I think the best dates I ever had were actually free dates. Cooking together. Hanging out. Taking a long walk. I met my husband in graduate school, and he was dead broke. He was paying his own way and had very little money. We’d only been together a month or so when my birthday rolled around. He gave me very inexpensive fun earrings, but what I remember is the card he made. All it said on it was: Head Over Heels. That was the best birthday gift ever.
18. You’re scared. You’ve been burned before. You are understandably wary. This leads you to be withholding. He puts it out there, lays it on the line, and you just can’t reciprocate. You really like him, but you just don’t want to get hurt again. This means he knows up front that he will be the one to get hurt. No guy will stick around to watch that happen. You’ve got to find a way forward. There is no love for any of us without considerable risk, so do what you need to do to work through it.
19. You’re rigid. You have plans for Saturday night, but his buddies are going to a game that night, would Friday be OK? You say, “No, you made plans with me first. And Saturday is date night.” He picks you up and mentions that one of his friends and his gf will be joining the two of you for dinner, if that’s OK. It’s not. You’re miffed that you two won’t be having a night alone. He wants to go to the party, you don’t. You grudgingly agree to go and stay for an hour. After an hour, you want to leave, he’s having a great time. You let him know that an hour’s up and it’s time to leave RIGHT NOW. Being rigid is largely about asserting control. That’s never a winning relationship tactic.
20. You’re a pushover. You put up with all kinds of crap. You allow yourself to be booty called and stood up. You allow him to tease you in a not-affectionate way (comments about your weight come to mind). You allow him to pick fights, and then forgive him for flirting or hooking up with another girl in the two hours you were broken up. If you do not respect yourself, he certainly isn’t going to respect you, and your value in his eyes will tank.
Full disclosure? I’ve been guilty of at least six of these relationship killers, possibly all at the same time. Most of us can relate to at least a couple of them. If you can’t, ask a close friend to give you an honest assessment.
What I have found in my own life is that becoming aware of my behavior allows me to look at it objectively, and to begin to change, or even just “tweak” it.
Try a new approach, and see what happens. Can’t hurt!
Related posts:
Well, I am at least three of those things (scare, a pushover, and a homebody)…
Haha, why am I not surprised those are your three? I think we all have certain tendencies, and the key is to be aware, as I said above, and to correct for them where we can, where it makes sense. Those three together = grow some ladyballs, I think. You are super smart, and funny, and adorable so you are the whole package. But do you know it?
You ought to put “flake” in there twice. If what you're looking for in a man is maturity, you have to put maturity out there. That means doing what you say you'll do, and being honest about what you want and think. I've got a very low tolerance for flakes, and I think most “established” guys do also. If you have to cancel once, I'll call back… in a week or so… to see if you're interested. If you flake twice, I'm not even going to call to tell you I won't be calling again.
The rigidity thing is a big one, too. I think it's kind of related to being a princess, actually. Let me put it bluntly. You show me the most attractive, smartest, most charming girl in the room, and I'll show you a guy who's tired of her shit. Yes, you're valuable because you're female and you're the selector. But men who are worth having are valuable, too, and they aren't going to put up with your idea that a man's world centers around you at all times, and that you get to dictate when and if plans are allowed to change.
All well & good. I'd reiterate the 'entitlement' sense that gets in the way for Both sexes here, as is way too 'picky'. If you want to be anywhere near successful at this? Keep the requirements & 'must haves' as Low as possible. 'Smart, Kind, educated, moderately successful' will do fine. Want to add to that with 'tall, dark & handsome' and 'fit & trim' and perhaps even 'well off'? Well that's getting into difficult territory, and there's a much smaller pool to draw from. Everyone needs a realistic sense of what's really 'out' there. Many, many people are just broke, especially now. They'll not always be that way, but almost everyone starts out that way, especially nowadays.
This also grades into the large 'high maintenance' argument. As they say in horse country, being the 'easy keeper', is especially valued by most guys. Having standards is fine. (A 'high number'? Something that can always be lied about successfully too, BTW). But being generally bitchy, aloof & demanding all the time? Something that's really hard to hide, and never is quite attractive in almost anyone. Ditto for being generally 'argumentative' and demanding to get 'your way' no matter what reason, cause or result.
Again most of these are Personality & perhaps even Intellect based. Believe it or not, this if far more important in the long view than mere 'looks'. In the end? It's all that you've got left. Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'
I'm either 5 or 11!!! I need to find the middle ground. Last week I met a cute guy who has been really nice to me. And I've been kind of “very serious and all-business”. Tomorrow is my last chance to give him a little hint before I stop seeing him everyday and I'm trying really hard to figure out a way to do it in a way that's… I don't know… classy or something like that, hahaha
Hamby, sounds like you got burned by a flake. I think you're right to link flakiness to maturity, though I don't think people necessarily grow out of it as they age. Flaking out on people is selfish and manipulative, not to mention rude. I agree with your zero tolerance policy.
I also agree that princesses do tend to be rigid. And yes, an established man is going to get tired of that quickly. Unfortunately, younger men flock to these women, and put up with their shit for longer than they deserve. It's because, as you say, these are often the women who have options, and the youngest guys just can't resist her mouth, regardless of what's coming out of it.
I do think most of these behaviors are personality based in the sense that women get used to presenting themselves to the world, especially men, in a certain way. They've developed a sense of entitlement, as you say, and a generally bad attitude. But it's never to late to shake things up. I always say, “How's it workin' for ya?” If it's not, back to the drawing board. We can always make a choice to change our behavior.
I also agree about the Must Have list. I fear that online dating really exacerbates this problem. When you meet someone by interacting with them in person, there's chemistry and pheromones and eye contact and all kinds of valuable opportunties for connection. When you carefully craft a profile to adhere to someone else's idea of Must Haves, and then make a long list of them yourself, it's no wonder people get discouraged after three weeks and give up.
Haha, how can you possibly be shy and aggressive at the same time? Do you switch back and forth? Yes, definitely look for the middle ground. How about a smart, independent woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to go after what she wants?
Oh boy. You need to give this cute guy some encouragement. If he's gone out of his way to be nice to you, assume he's interested. Guys don't work hard to cultivate platonic friendships. They just aren't wired that way. So instead of a “little hint,” how about a suggestion that you two hang out sometime? Say, “Bummer, I'm not going to be seeing you much anymore. We should hang out sometime.” That will give him encouragement, but also allows you to hide behind the “just friends” thing if you need to. It's confident, and classy. Gah, good luck!
Yeah, I switch back and forth, haha! Most of the time I just go for it, as you probably have notice, but sometimes I'm just so shy its just dull. Thanks for the suggestion! I'm definitely gonna give it a try
This was great. I’m sending to a couple of friends. I hope you are well.
Thank you, Peach Tart, same to you!
Great blog !
I really like your insights, hoped that more women would follow them.
Sometimes I feel amazed how off the target women are about what excites/attracts a man. Women magazines have done so much harm to intergender understanding.
Men can be attracted two ways:
1) Erotically for a brief moment. This is what 90% of women try to do. It works for a short time. After some time of awe and passion, the guy starts to evaluate the real woman behind the facade, since he never had a chance to do it from the start. It is like buying a book by the cover, and only start reading it three months later. Of course, if he doesn't like the content, it is over.
2) By a nice personality. I guess this is much harder for women to do. You can't use lipstick to enhance your talk, or lingerie to be more charming.
But one thing women should know, is that most men are NOT after a super model for a relationship. If you are not super ugly, a guy will naturally be attracted to you. Just be nice, smart, kind. Be a friend. If you don't get a new boyfriend, at least you have made some human contact and you've got a new friend.
Men are very lonely creatures, troubled by the strong instinctive visual attraction they have for women's bodies (it is a pain in the ass sometimes), who don't express much their emotions. All they want is a kind, smart, funny female human being to talk to. If you are his kind (and there is a match for everyone) this closeness will fire his desire for you. Naturally.
Please, ladies, throw away your Cosmo magazines and just be yourselves.
Smartduck, thanks so much for commenting! You are an enlightened man. (Especially since you reinforce my approach, haha.) I tend to hear from men like yourself here at HUS, and it's so gratifying for my women readers to know you guys are out there.
And boy are you ever right about Cosmo. The advice is sooooo terrible. They're always suggesting sexual tricks that sound painful! Yet I admit that when I see the headlines at the market, like “The One Question He Wants You to Ask,” it's all I can do not to throw that magazine right on the conveyor belt. They're good at marketing, that's for sure.
Come back again – I learn a lot from my male readers.
I don't seem to be able to find anybody really interested in me . Yet I can say , and I'm not suffering from self delusions that I am not any of those things numbered .
To be more precise . I am no. 5 but only to people I'm trying to ward off .
And yes I am picky . But I know what I want , and I don't want to start something that is almost definitely going to end soon after because I dropped my standards and am now dissatisfied with that person. That being said , I don't ignore any man on the basis of his looks alone . But if the personality isn't right or suitable , it's just going to grate on both parties in the relationship.
I learnt that from not being picky enough.
I've sounded ditzy . I've said some really stupid and nonsensical things. Never intentionally though. Sometimes impulse just takes hold . Oops. But it hasn't happened very often .
I've totally been aggressive . But in a way where I assert that I am allowed to have my own opinion . I don't think I've ever made the first move really .
I probably talk about myself too much . But I'm very caring and generous at the same time .
I do love my shopping and getting dressed up but I'm a very cheap date . I don't really eat seafood or expensive cuts of meat and I don't drink alcohol . And most of my male friends and all that I've dated in the past have actually told me that they appreciate I'm not : jealous , unreasonable , “golddigger” , easy to talk to ….whatever!
I'm an attractive woman both physically and personably .
So what is it that makes me thoroughly undateable ?
Whoa, taylor, that is a very good question! You do indeed sound like an amazing woman. However, I find it interesting that the only thing you can relate to here is being perhaps too beautiful to be approachable. I mean, maybe you don't identify heavily with any one thing, but we're all guilty of bits and pieces from this list.
I have to say that many wonderful young women, even beautiful women who you would expect to have a lot of men after them, tell me that they feel undateable. I personally know many young women here in Boston who can identify with that feeling. Hookup culture plays a huge role here – if few men are dating, many women will feel undateable. And of the men who are interested in a relationship, the pickings can feel pretty slim. Unworthy guys, i.e. douchebags, are getting hot girlfriends and treating them like crap because they can. They have the numbers on their side.
The solution to that problem is a combination of patience, self-discipline and strategy. So keep reading my posts!
Whoa, taylor, that is a very good question! You do indeed sound like an amazing woman. However, I find it interesting that the only thing you can relate to here is being perhaps too beautiful to be approachable. I mean, maybe you don't identify heavily with any one thing, but we're all guilty of bits and pieces from this list.
I have to say that many wonderful young women, even beautiful women who you would expect to have a lot of men after them, tell me that they feel undateable. I personally know many young women here in Boston who can identify with that feeling. Hookup culture plays a huge role here – if few men are dating, many women will feel undateable. And of the men who are interested in a relationship, the pickings can feel pretty slim. Unworthy guys, i.e. douchebags, are getting hot girlfriends and treating them like crap because they can. They have the numbers on their side.
The solution to that problem is a combination of patience, self-discipline and strategy. So keep reading my posts!
Hi, I too have these problems:
1. I'm a pushover. I allow myself to be booty called..but I never come over. It's not my fault they text me late..especially when time after time I say I'm not coming over or don't respond. Am I doing something wrong? If I get a booty call, what do I say? Tell him the truth saying I don't do that..or just ignore it?
2. I feel like if it's 8, 8:30pm and a guy asked what I'm doing tonight and if I'm up for hanging out in his dorm, I think that's a booty call. I mean, he asked me to hang out NOW, not earlier in the day. If I had known earlier, I would have gotten all my work done, but now I have things to do. Don't you think it's ok to say no to that because it's last minute and he probably just wants to hook up?
3. I like players. They are more interesting than the “nice guys” and I believe I subconsciously like the drama and trying to “figure them out.” I'm going to go into next semester though knowing what the typical lines are (they're all the same) and just ignoring those guys and moving on, talking to other people. I want to fix this because while players are fun for the short-term, they are not relationship material.
The flirting thing I am confused about. I'm friendly to everyone, but real flirting I do with the one person I am interested in that night. But you (and I”ve heard other people say this before) say you should flirt with every guy for practice and just because it's fun. Maybe you mean be friendly with everyone..and nice..but flirt with people you find attractive and interesting.
1. You're not a pushover if you don't do the booty call. I don't think you have to go around saying you don't want to be texted. Just ignore the texts at that hour, and pretty soon the guy will get the message. Of course, if hooking up is all he wants, then he may never text again. His loss, not yours.
2. I think 8 pm is a very reasonable time for a guy to make a plan. In the old days of dating, we wanted a few days notice, but that's not the way you guys roll today. Very, very few guys, especially college age, are making plans early in the day. Also, since hanging out often occurs in groups, guys wait to see what group plans might be shaping up. If a guy wants to hang out alone, 8 pm seems OK to me. Of course he will want to hook up if he can, but that shouldn't be all he wants. If you get to his room, and he's ready to pounce, say no way. He should want to talk, watch a movie, whatever, before trying to make moves.
3. Everyone is attracted to players. Their supreme self-confidence is a total aphrodisiac. As you've discovered, though, it's a short-term rush that often leaves a pretty bad emotional hangover. There are plenty of nice guys who are confident, though not as confident as players. They're nicer though, much better for relationships.
4. It depends what you mean by flirting. Being friendly, funny, teasing, etc. is something you can do with everyone. It basically boils down to charm. However, specifically targeting someone with signals that you are interested is much more intense, and should be reserved for guys you are really attracted to. So yes, be friendly and open and approachable with everyone – and you may find that someone you get to know that way becomes someone you want to flirt with more seriously as time goes on.
Your comments are so helpful and have made me feel so much better about my situations! Are you an expert on this topic or are your columns just from personal (and friend's) experiences?
Nah, I am a total amateur. Take a look at my About page to get a sense of it, but basically, I have a 20 year-old daughter. When she was in high school, I became aware of just how pervasive hookup culture was, and how different it was from my own experience. I started giving my daughter advice, and when it worked, she came back for more. Then she brought her friends round for advice! Now I have a couple of crews of local girls I see regularly, and a year ago I figured I would start a blog about it. It's been a great experience! And you'd be surprised – a lot of my readers are guys!
Guilty to number 5 and 14. What can I do? A natural born introvert. Lolx
Hi Pauline, thanks for commenting! Get out there and mix it up more! When you see a guy you find attractive, give him 3 seconds of eye contact (the threshold for attraction) and a smile!
i am 3 of these things…picky..to hard to get…and aggressive. im aggressive but not in the way a guy gets…i can be very female yet independant and strong lol. picky..not in the sense that the guy has to be absolutely perfect…i just dont go for guys who are losers…i go for guys who have the same values as mine and who actually have a future. and too hard to get..well thats just naturally in my personality..i dont even have to try playing hard to get. i have never been easy..i know i never will be. the reason im not so easy with guys is because…not bc i know guys like a challenge…its bc im guarding my heart..making sure i wont make the same mistake again. this time i want to be completely sure that that one special guy has complete respect love and care for me. also a guy whos funny..good sense of humor. he doesnt have to be a perfect 10..he will be perfect for me. someone whos just like me…i dont go for opposites lol.
Hi Nicole, thanks for leaving a comment! I understand completely that it’s hard to let your guard down. Just be sure that if you are available, you are sending out those signals. Picky and hard to get can be very discouraging for guys. On the other hand, if you are a bit aggressive, maybe you can make the move when you see a guy you like!
Im not any of these listed, hard to say, but Im 21 and ive never had a serious bf, I have many friends, and they all tell me im fun, and pretty. Still I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I was ok for a while, but now Im starting to get worried. I do go out a lot, I can talk with a guy, and thats it. I dunno, maybe I need to flirt a little bit more.
Laura, welcome, nice to meet you! I’m sure that you are fun and pretty – many, many young women your age are in the same boat. There’s a great group of girls and guys here who are regulars and comment – check out the current posts. In a nutshell, it’s very possible that you are fun and pretty, but not DTF, which would disqualify you with many guys, unfortunately.
[...] she demurred, claiming to care not for this tawdry discussion of numbers. But on her blog, she straight up says you’re a lonely, used up slutbag if that number is too high, and maybe you should consider a [...]