You Better Talk to Me While I’m Listening to You!
Rebekah is a single mother of two boys who writes the blog Wandering Wonderland. She gets along with her ex, has a real lust for life and a great sense of humor. A while back she wrote a post about her 4 year-old trying to tell her about his day. He got so frustrated at being interrupted by his 8 year-old brother that he yelled, “Mom, you better talk to me while I’m listening to you!” I thought that was priceless.
Listening is always portrayed as a virtuous activity, talking not so much.
Listening is an attitude of the heart, a genuine desire to be with another which both attracts and heals.
J. Isham
Listening offers the promise of knowledge and wisdom:
The wise old owl lived in an oak;
The more he saw the less he spoke;
The less he spoke the more he heard:
Why can’t we all be like that bird?
Edward H. Richards
I know, I know, it’s hard to learn anything when you’re doing all the talking. Except, wouldn’t life be pretty boring if everyone was wise, and silent, and just listening all the time? How many wise old owls do we need to have around, anyway? Such a buzzkill!
I confess I’ve never been a great listener by nature. I’m one of those people who, when listening to a story, is thinking of an even better story I’ll tell the minute you’re done. It’s terrible, but it’s true. I work really hard to focus when I’m listening so that I don’t do that. Otherwise, all of my relationships would suck. When I care about someone, I really try and listen to them so that they feel understood and appreciated. That might be my child, or it might be Mario, who saves a booth for me and Stacey every Tuesday at lunchtime. It’s the people I love best, and it’s also the “consequential strangers” in my life. And it’s my readers!
I understand that attentive listening is a moral imperative, an obligation to my fellow human beings. But what about my obligation to speak? Do I owe it to others to share something of my thoughts, of myself? Sharing something revealing about yourself to another person is a way of inviting them in. It’s saying, “I’m trusting you with some personal information. I hope you’ll reciprocate.” I don’t do that with Mario, but when I’m getting to know someone, it’s the fastest way to create intimacy. We reveal a vulnerability, and we watch to see how the other person responds. Are they gentle? Supportive? Amused? Uncomprehending? Derisive?
New relationships are full of these conversational volleys. Sometimes we are so infatuated with someone that we fail to notice that we’re carrying the whole relationship. We spend time together, have fun, joke, laugh, and after a few weeks we realize we don’t know much about them. They’ve been listening, but they haven’t been sharing.
Are you speaking meaningfully to the people who are listening? If you’re phoning it in with the people who want to hear something real and honest from you, then you’re losing out. You’re missing the opportunity to relate.
Or are you throwing away your words on a dead end relationship? If you speak with great commitment to people who really don’t give a damn what you have to say, then you’re wasting every part of yourself.
Are you listening attentively to the people who are sharing some real of themselves? Do you recognize others’ efforts to draw you in? Are you receptive to that tiny bit of personal vulnerability, that invitation to become a bigger part of someone else’s life?
Or are you giving your full attention to a charmer with excellent social skills, and limited emotional availability? There are people who want nothing from you but your full attention. In time, even that will fail to meet their needs, and they’ll seek attention elsewhere.
We need both good talking and good listening, but we also need good partnerships. So you’d better talk to me while I’m listening to you!
Related posts:
First off THANK YOU for the shout out!! I'm flattered!!
Second: I heard a little saying once that went something like “God made your mouth to shut, but not your ears”
I think as women one of our greatest mistakes is not really listening when a man talks. We hear what they are saying and then we take those words and rearrange them in our brains and they mean something totally different. Most men communicate very striaght forward. When they answer “Fine.” To the question of how their day was, it was fine. Nothing great, nothing bad. It just was. Now, as a woman we take that word “fine” and it could mean he got an ass chewing from the boss, got hit on by the hot young temp, or any other variation we can think of. We are hardly ever satisfied with the simpl answer.
One of my college professors once said to speak to a man like a man and woman like a woman, no matter your gender. Make sense? In other words…women, when speaking to your husband/boyfriend/signifcant other what have you…… be straight foward and to the point. Especially if it is a matter of great importance. Spit it out. As straightfoward and matter of fact as you can. Guys deal better that way.
Making any sense to anyone??
Rebekah, I agree with both your points. First, that men are straightforward and direct in their communication. No wonder they're baffled when we're pissed, they ask us if everything is OK, and we say “Fine!” They're hearing that we're fine, but we sure don't look fine. Spit it out is excellent advice.
The flip side of that is that women tend to analyze communication way too much. We're looking at every possible interpretation of his words, when 99% of the time, the simplest explanation is the right one.
And THANK YOU for having an adorable child who unwittingly says wise things! Keep writing them up!
First off THANK YOU for the shout out!! I'm flattered!!
Second: I heard a little saying once that went something like “God made your mouth to shut, but not your ears”
I think as women one of our greatest mistakes is not really listening when a man talks. We hear what they are saying and then we take those words and rearrange them in our brains and they mean something totally different. Most men communicate very striaght forward. When they answer “Fine.” To the question of how their day was, it was fine. Nothing great, nothing bad. It just was. Now, as a woman we take that word “fine” and it could mean he got an ass chewing from the boss, got hit on by the hot young temp, or any other variation we can think of. We are hardly ever satisfied with the simpl answer.
One of my college professors once said to speak to a man like a man and woman like a woman, no matter your gender. Make sense? In other words…women, when speaking to your husband/boyfriend/signifcant other what have you…… be straight foward and to the point. Especially if it is a matter of great importance. Spit it out. As straightfoward and matter of fact as you can. Guys deal better that way.
Making any sense to anyone??
Rebekah, I agree with both your points. First, that men are straightforward and direct in their communication. No wonder they're baffled when we're pissed, they ask us if everything is OK, and we say “Fine!” They're hearing that we're fine, but we sure don't look fine. Spit it out is excellent advice.
The flip side of that is that women tend to analyze communication way too much. We're looking at every possible interpretation of his words, when 99% of the time, the simplest explanation is the right one.
And THANK YOU for having an adorable child who unwittingly says wise things! Keep writing them up!