What Women Really Want From Men

October 14, 2009

Why are women so freaking hard to understand?

Why are women so freaking hard to understand?

This list of 35 brutally honest truths will tell you what women really want from men. Let’s just say I’m trying to promote cross-cultural understanding. Think of this as an Instruction Manual.

1. Women don’t tell each other everything.

We don’t share a lot of intimate sexual details. OK, if you’re hung like a stallion, it may come up in conversation. But we generally share the really personal stuff in only two situations. The first is when we’re seeking support. We’re upset about something that’s happened, and we want to find out how our trusted female companions view the situation. Are we overreacting? Or is it a dealbreaker? The second is when we are providing support to a friend in that same situation. If we’ve been through it, we’ll cough up the story to make her feel less alone.

2. We know when we’re being bitchy/PMS’ing.

If you call us out, we’ll deny it and get pissed, but if you cut us some slack and say “I love you even when you’re a bitch,” we’ll be grateful.

3. We don’t care about penis size.

That’s not what makes a good lover. It’s way, way down on the list, under the heading “Nice But Not Essential By Any Means.” It’s like men and huge boobs. Some men like ’em, some don’t, but it’s hardly a requirement for choosing a real partner (we hope).

4. When you tease us about our weight, you make us feel completely worthless and disgusting.

It’s about the worst thing a woman can hear. And it makes us want to keep our clothes on.

5. The majority of us can’t come from thrusting alone.

Studies have shown that if a woman’s clit is more than 1 1/8 inches from her vaginal opening, there’s no way she can have an orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation. It seems like Mother Nature really screwed up here (bummer!), but you shouldn’t take it personally.

6. We do care about your going down.

It’s vitally important to most women (the 70% who need clitoral stimulation). It’s hard to enjoy it, though, if we don’t think you love it. It’s the same as when you enjoy a blow job more when it’s done with enthusiasm. We won’t beg for it, though. The basic rule is, “Love me, love the vag.”

7. Re oral sex, every woman is different, but don’t take your lessons from porn.

That’s way too much licking and lapping from too far away (camera angle considerations). Think in terms of French kissing. A tight seal, light suction, soft tongue action. Gentle, gentle, gentle.

8. We are incredibly self-conscious about the way we smell.

Believe me, we know better than you do how gross VO can be. If you like the way we taste and smell, please say so. If you don’t have anything nice to say….well, you remember what Mama said. And we promise to keep it clean.

9. Anal sex hurts like hell.

It makes us sore for a week. If we do it, it’s because we really, really want to please you. Request it only occasionally.

10. We know you enjoy looking at other women.

But it makes us feel terrible if we detect it. When we’re together, please don’t look at other girls.

11. We’re the generation of women caught between wanting chivalry and wanting independence.

It’s confusing. We are proud to be self-sufficient, but we love it when you act chivalrous and protective.

12. We love the smell of your sweat and your musk.

Don’t cover it up with anything more than soap.

13. Your penis is magical.

We adore the penis as the font of life and we like to be penetrated by it. We cede dominance to you entirely in this arena.

14. We want to be appreciated for our intelligence.

We are threatened by beautiful, stupid women, and hope that you won’t choose them. You should know that IQ for boys is carried by the x chromosome of the mother, so if you have a stupid wife, you will have dumb sons.

15. We’d like to think that you could find us appealing in a turtleneck and old jeans.

It’s exhausting to always be figuring out ways to display the produce most effectively. And there are times when we don’t want you to feel sexy, because we don’t.

16. We can’t resist a guy acting domestic.

Cook us dinner, and you will almost certainly get laid.

17. Most of us aren’t gold diggers.

But we do care about effort. If you’re short on funds, we’re happy to go on endless cheap dates if you’ve given it some thought. Picnics, staying in to cook, hikes, museums, bike rides are all good. So is spending a whole weekend in bed.

18. The things a woman longs to hear:

  • You’re the only one I want.
  • I’ve never felt like this before.
  • You’re all I think about.

But only if you mean it.

19. Even when we act like it’s casual, it isn’t.

Very, very few of us really want no-strings sex. You can get away with a single hookup, but you should know that if we start having sex regularly, drama is inevitable.

20. Women cry even when we don’t want to.

We’re not using tears as a weapon to manipulate you and get what we want. We cry when we’re sad, angry, frustrated, scared, and discouraged. We also cry when we’re happy. If a woman cries during sex with you, she is thinking of you as a potential baby daddy.

21. I want to know that I’m sexually attractive, even though I’m taken.

I can get that from you, but if you don’t express how hot you think I am, I’ll wind up seeking that validation elsewhere. Don’t make me flirt with other guys.

22. When your plumbing doesn’t work, we think it’s our fault.

We know it’s very hard for you when this happens, but we blame ourselves, even if you had 18 beers.

23. We like to be dominated sometimes.

Whether it’s roughing up the sex a little or bossing us around, it’s exciting to take the sexual tension up a notch by reverting to a “Me Tarzan, You Jane” kind of scene on occasion.

24. We feel extremely threatened by other women you’ve hooked up with.

We will acquire photos of them online and ridicule them for hours on end with our friends. We will wonder how you could ever have liked such a fat, ugly, mean girl. (This will have nothing to do with her real appearance.) For this reason, it would be ideal if you pretended you never knew her, and never mentioned her in our presence.

25. Our women friends judge whether you treat us well enough.

Please do not tease, humiliate or ignore us in public. Even if we disagree, please stay cool and save it for later. Once our friends think you’re a douchebag, life is going to get a lot harder.

26. We are incapable of understanding your natural need for sexual variety.

We view it as a direct threat to our femininity and desirability. And we worry that we are just some of that variety, not the real deal. If you are willing to be monogamous with us, let us know asap. It makes a huge difference.

27. We love it when you ask us for our opinion or advice.

Men seem so self-sufficient that it’s rewarding when you can use a little help. We’ve been trained to offer support and nurturing since we were two, so let us do that once in a while.

28. We want to be pursued.

We want you to be the aggressor. If we ask why you never called, please don’t say, “Well, you didn’t call me either!” Once we’re in a relationship, we can talk about meeting halfway, but in the early days we feel more comfortable if you are the one making moves.

29. Please do not try to model your body after a gay underwear model.

Chest hair is sexy. We don’t like men who primp and preen too much. If you’re fit and healthy, that’s fine. And we hope you know that we find huge bodybuilder type muscles repulsive. They’re freaky.

30. Shaved heads are totally sexy.

If you haven’t got the fullest head of hair in the world, consider shaving it. A combover or anything close to it is a ladyboner killer.

31. There’s a difference between being flaky and being uncaring.

We want you to be reliable, but we’ll cut you some slack just for being a guy. Once we detect, though, that you’re jerking us around, you’re in trouble.

32. Uncontrolled farting has ended relationships.

We don’t care if you pee in front us, but any air or matter emanating from your back door should be kept as far away from us as possible. Loud burping is only slightly less offensive.

33. If you’ve put on some beer fat, buy bigger pants.

We don’t want to see exposed belly, love handles, or plumber’s crack because you’ve squeezed into the 32s you outgrew three years ago. One glimpse will put us off sex for a week.

34. We love getting a peek at the little boy you once were.

Get silly with us sometimes. We know you were ridiculously impulsive as a boy, so show us that side of you from time to time.

35. We’ve pretty much figured out that it’s normal for you to watch porn.

But you need to know that almost everything you see in porn will not work if you try it with us. We won’t sound like that, look like that, or act like that. If you’re having trouble getting it up with a real girl, you might lay off the porn and see if that helps.

I hope my female readers will weigh in here and add anything else you’d like to share. And I always welcome comments from the guys!

    • Collegeboy

      Thank you Susan, for patiently putting up with us, non conforming males on your blog. Esau and Rick are actually correct. I know because I came very close to being an alpha male. What I believe we should address is the inequality and unfairness. Inequality because women are hitting on only a few men, while excluding everyone else. Unfairness, now here I don’t really want to complain I enjoyed the treatment I received. However women give alpha males less stringent rules/expectations.
      Being quite candid: sex is important to boys\men. And men view it as being no less important than the attention, affection, money or marriage that women demand. Take that away and things will become bitter. That’s not to say that women should not demand for men to reciprocate the favors women do for men.
      Some background about me (I’m different): I am Hispanic with bachelor degree. I received discrimination from older white males when I was young. I also found that women have a lower tolerance for economic inequality; Women have been generous when I have needed their help e.g. Economic issues or fairness issues and men tend to be the opposite. I also rationalized what men want or wanted from a wife before feminism. Men want their wife to be altruistic and I know that’s kind of unfair given that men forget how hard women work for them. I included need to be reminded, to reciprocate women’s favors sometimes. From my observation women tend to be materialistic, but in a good way .e.g shopping, suvs, etc.
      The fairness issue is vital. Because if you say life isn’t fair, so you kick boys, their eventually going to kick you back and it won’t be funny. Other than that women who permit unfairness might create men who are greedy creating corruption and harm to society.
      Here’s the upside (my story): Most Hispanic girlfriends didn’t treat me all that well when it comes to relationships. I learned through perseverance. And I have allot to be thankful to Hispanic women, for challenging me and motivating to achieve, but I’m not going to marry a Hispanic woman for that very reason (I don’t like the culture, too much emotional baggage), they were not nice to me when it comes to relationships. The Movie School for Scoundrels is a comedy but it demonstrates the point. Dr. P challenges boys to become men. After nearly destroying Roger (the young insecure boy) he told Roger that he was the only student to ever pass class. Roger demonstrates his disdain for Dr. P.
      I am however in favor of women’s equal rights and success in their carriers because everybody wins. I don’t like religious fanaticism and I don’t put up with hypocrisy (tattoos are cool, down with the Moral Right).

    • Collegeboy

      I forgot to mention tips for aspiring women. Focus on making money, so that men won’t think your after their money or alimony. More education doesn’t necessarily mean more money. Do your research before you commit. If you have a family member who practices a particular field that requires experience consider getting into the same field, they might be able to help you get your foot in the door. Experience trumps education, at least that’s the way I see things right now. and being over educated can actually be a bad thing if you don’t deliver on the promises. Ultimately university is about challenging you to work harder using your brain. Women are great at multitasking and memory and that will be very helpful. Critical thinking skills are the most difficult to master. make sure your look like a woman. the most unattractive thing are women who look like men. And stay slim, because it looks good and it is healthy for you. As for the men who go for brainless women, I guess they don’t mind paying alimony for the privilege. If the guy very rich alimony might work out well. If the guy is not rich then you will end up cutting your overall earnings by accepting alimony. Men love bums more than breasts, so don’t get plastic surgery, just focus on staying fit and do the best with what you have, aerobics/running is great.

    • Collegeboy

      Sorry I didn’t mention something that I meaning to say. back up in the first rant.

      People are trying to protect their ego (men/women). So be polite. being mean is contagious. So don’t hurt others feelings, especially if it doesn’t cost you anything, to be polite. You don’t have to take anyone’s advances, just don’t let them down hard. Likewise head games that women play to get revenge like the ones Esau was complaining about are wrong (and vice versa). They will lead to the opposite sex being mean. Which is what many women are complaining about (“Sexual Conflict”clue men will lose). When I play games my intent is not to hurt others ego and every woman I befriended back when I played games, I know would be happy to see me again, although most of them got married or moved on. During college unlike other males, who were preoccupied with women, I wasn’t and I don’t regret it one bit. I gave up 4 or 5 one night stands (by complete strangers), smart women (ok that was a bit stupid). But I genuinely worked hard to improve myself, just like I did before for women (I have high grades). And everyone must work hard to improve themselves, if they want more relationships.e.g money, looks, etc.

    • Anonymous

      Hey Susan,

      While I am a bit off when it comes to selecting guys, I just wanted to add that I find mysterious guys incredibly attractive.

      And I want to share this song, whose lyrics send chills:

      Caro Emerald – “The Lipstick on His Collar”


    • @Florence
      Wow, great song! Re mystery, I think both sexes find it intriguing. Everyone is different, but many of us enjoy cracking the code to solve the puzzle….

    • Jennifer


    • Glenn

      4. When you tease us about our weight, you make us feel completely worthless and disgusting.

      It’s about the worst thing a woman can hear. And it makes us want to keep our clothes on.


      33. If you’ve put on some beer fat, buy bigger pants.

      We don’t want to see exposed belly, love handles, or plumber’s crack because you’ve squeezed into the 32s you outgrew three years ago. One glimpse will put us off sex for a week.


      • @Glenn
        Good point. That is rather hypocritical, isn’t it? I think it’s time to look over some of these old posts and make some changes. Thanks for calling that to my attention.

    • Jennifer

      Glenn, there’s a difference between men AND women wearing reasonable clothes related to their weight, and TEASING or making fun of each other’s weight. Don’t you agree, Susan? I don’t think that’s hypocritical.

      Susan, this post is perfect. I just saw two jerkier gamers give the typical advice of treating women like kid-sisters, with playful insults about looks and orders to fetch sodas, and even insults about how GF’s fingers look like E. T.’s, and how this just works like a charm. Jerk-offs. That’s why we need superior wake-up lists like this one, at least regarding more intelligent women.

      • even insults about how GF’s fingers look like E. T.’s

        Oh brother, another brilliant neg for the books.

    • ryan

      Great post its nice to see a well thought out list. What I’ve never understood is the sheer power of the penis. Let’s just say I was born lucky. Through the years I have gotten away with murder. Not that I treat a woman wrong but let’s face it i am a guy and that being said from time to time I do some dumb #$&# unintended. What is it with being well endowed that all her girlfriends have to know about it, she has to talk about it to workmates etc…

    • Mike

      I agree with the poster Esau – this list *might* have some value, if the woman is already very much into you. But guess what, at that point you don’t really have to do any of that – or not too much. However, it is good idea to incorporate some of it to keep the relationship strong. But too much and it can backfire – especially if the woman was initially attracted to something completely different.

      All in all, this list is VERY BAD advice for men. I would name this list “What women think they want from men”.

      I just discovered this blog recently, and I like some of the newer articles. I can see that this one was written in 2009 – it seems to me that Susan since matured and understands the human condition (and especially the women’s mind) better than before, I think that is admirable.

    • rudiger

      24. We feel extremely threatened by other women you’ve hooked up with.

      We feel the same way about all your hook ups! But I think it’s more personal for us. Dramatic for women, but just a guess

      26. We are incapable of understanding your natural need for sexual variety.
      I find this odd, because women have so many more partners than men. Or don’t they? Now that women are free to be, ahem, liberal in their sex lives, they hold the key to vast numbers of lovers. I hate that.

    • dave

      Some of the women seem to have objections to the various strategies that the “pickup-artist-instructors” are teaching. There are men who pay lots of money for “boot camps”, seminars and date coaching dvd’s in order to get better at approaching women.

    • wjdude

      Some interesting and enlightening points. Thank you.

      I’m a man of 45 years and have to ask one thing if I may: Can you please NOT compare penis size to breast size? lol. Everyone does this. Why? There can be no comparison. A penis is used for urination and sexual intercourse. Which, as we all know, is essential to the procreation of human beings. Unless artificial insemination is used of course. Ha Ha.

      Breasts, on the other hand – other than being most hetero males’ favorite play toys – are meant for feeding babies. They are NOT essential for sexual intercourse. Are you seeing my point yet? Besides, personally speaking, large breasts are not huge on my own list of physical requirements. Very large breasts get in the way to be quite honest. I won’t NOT go out with a woman if she is massively endowed, but I do try to avoid women with such endowment. A large handful is plenty for this hombre. Now a nice, big butt on the other hand? lol. Yes ladies, there are men out there who LOVE your big butt. Never forget that. Now that we’ve covered that…

      Yes, it’s very true that most of us men are insecure about the size of our penises. While I am slightly above average – but not so much so that it affects my ability to attain wonderful female companions – I still feel as though I could have more down below the belt. I’ve been told I’m quite a good lover: attentive, love oral, vocal, HUGE imagination and I know how to move. But still….there is that nagging doubt that the equipment just doesn’t cut it. Why? Well….

      Everywhere you look you see references to large penises. TV and movies are chock full of innuendos. It’s reminiscent of the subliminal programming we used to see – and sometimes still do – telling girls they MUST be slim and gorgeous in order to succeed. Remember those days? Well…we men are experiencing the exact same thing. And I can remember experiencing this when I was still fairly young. Did it do some damage on my self-esteem? Darn right it did! And why wouldn’t it? Young men are just as impressionable as young women. Are they not?

      Furthermore, the author herself made a statement that can scare the crap out of most men: “OK, if you’re hung like a stallion, it may come up in conversation.” If you’re not interested in huge penises, why talk about them with your girlfriends? If you ask me, that’s information that we men really don’t want to know.

      As for pornography, well…it certainly doesn’t help the ‘average’ man’s self-esteem. I personally don’t bother with porn though, as I prefer the real thing, my incredibly broad imagination or nothing at all. Unlike most men, I think with the large head, not the small one. Always have.

      I hope I’ve made some good points here. The main one being that if women don’t want men to be insecure about their penises, stop talking about big ones! At least you ladies that say you don’t care about them anyway. And as for you not liking us talking about our exes, same goes for us. Especially Studly Do Right with the 10 inch trouser trout. That is NOT a good way to get a great sexual performance out of us. No matter where you talk about it. Me? I don’t ask, that way I don’t know who I’m competing with or against.

      Once again, thank you for the insight and enlightenment. We men do need this from time to time and it’s nice to hear an honest perspective from women with integrity. Which is what any good man wants, correct? A woman with integrity? I certainly like to think so. For the record, I am not putting down your article – as it is excellent – I am only trying to give one mature (ok, that’s a matter of perspective LOL) man’s feedback on the subject. And yes this subject is a big one for us (no pun intended). Unfortunately.

      Thank you for your time,

      P.S. – Please try to be patient with your man when he has these bouts of insecurity regarding his Johnson. He IS human and while most of the time he may be that confident, sexy dude you’re head over heels for, sometimes he falters. Just like everyone else. Thanks 🙂

    • wjdude

      Perhaps I was a bit premature with my opinions about this article. I have to agree with Esau and Mike. Most of this list is a bit out of date now from what I can see.

    • Frank

      since many women over the years have changed, it is very hard to figure them out. even when i go out to the clubs and dance, i will dance with many women that are not that pretty but with their personality being very nice i still enjoy being with them. many women nowadays are looking for a man with a very large bank account, and can’t seem to accept the man for who he is like they did in the past. i can easily be very attracted to a woman with a very good personality, like i have just mentioned and looks aren’t everything.

    • J
    • john

      Women want security. You can interpret that any way you want.

    • wjdude

      Now that I’ve been single for a while and have been dating regularly again I’ve come to one conclusion about women: they are completely insatiable.

      Therefore, I’m just going to stop trying. I owe nothing to anyone, especially self-entitled, spoiled females. I’m done. My hand works just as well 🙂

    • Man

      Susan: I would like you or other women to answer why girls often ask about how many girlfriends we’ve had and details about our past relationships. I really don’t like that. I always wonder with which kind of girl I am dealing and if I should answer I had 2 girlfriends, or 10, or 100. Usually I refuse to talk about it. It looks like an insecure woman for me or with other problems.

      • @Man

        I think that depends on the woman. Have you had the sense that they want to hear a big number or a low number?

    • Man

      I suspect that they unconsciously want to hear a very big number. 🙂 Probably they had already detected I was a “nice guy” for them and were looking for ways to sabotage the relationship. :)))

      OK… Kidding apart, I think so: if she is interested in me, it’s just about curiosity; otherwise, she needs to be part of the harem of an alpha male: The Nice Guy Dilemma

      But… what do YOU think, as an Alpha Female? 😀

    • Man

      if she is interested in me, it’s just about curiosity

      I think I can sometimes tell the difference. But I think that most of the time these women have self-esteem issues. It’s the same kind of girl, who later on will ask: why do you like me? But it can be difficult actually to tell if she has self-esteem issues and is seeking validation; or if she is just interested in commitment and might be afraid she’s just another in the line.

      But I also wonder: if she’s just interested in casual sex, she wouldn’t even ask it anyway?

      Whatever, I am not so preoccupied about this. I just wonder which is your perception as a woman, and from your peers too. Also because you’re trying to shed some light into the dating scene.

      But, overall, I think that guys (nice or not) have already internalized the concept that women prefer the men with the highest scores (numbers). So I do think it’s really a good idea for girls to make these questions. I particularly don’t like it and start to be suspicious of the girl’s motives and possible personal issues which lead her to ask it, or if she’s controlling and manipulative, etc.

      Well, you know: we do not like to discuss the relationship. And even less so, past relationships. 🙂

      • But, overall, I think that guys (nice or not) have already internalized the concept that women prefer the men with the highest scores (numbers).

        This varies depending on the female. Those with very unrestricted sociosexuality who enjoy casual sex prefer men with a high number of past sexual partners. They also tend to seek out men who have had few relationships. Women with more restricted sociosexuality who do not have casual sex will want reassurance that the sex you’ve had is not casual, and that your number of past relationships is not extremely high, which would make you a serial monogamist.

    • Man

      Correction: So I do NOT think it’s really a good idea for girls to make these questions.

    • Lokland


      Ahh number 16.
      How times change.

    • Man

      @Susan: As a last note, usually I do answer everything she wants and I provide correct answers so that if she’s insecure or has other issues, will fuck off as soon as possible.

    • Man

      @Susan: I do not agree with everything on this site, and I have my own values, but I do like the work you’re doing with girls and coaching them to do smarter dating. However, I am not going to participate actively here. If you want to share my journey have a look at my journal, especially the first post and related references and links, and replies #19 and #21: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=8575.0 Cheers!

    • Anacaona

      This varies depending on the female. Those with very unrestricted sociosexuality who enjoy casual sex prefer men with a high number of past sexual partners. They also tend to seek out men who have had few relationships. Women with more restricted sociosexuality who do not have casual sex will want reassurance that the sex you’ve had is not casual, and that your number of past relationships is not extremely high, which would make you a serial monogamist.
      Cosign this. I did asked my husband his number and details about past relationships and I have even met some of his exes. I needed to know his romantic resume before committing to him, YMMV.

    • Man

      Thanks both for the clarification. Since that both types of women tend to seek out men who have had few relationships, presumably for a committed relationship I think, I wonder which is the best option for a man.

      Typically men will assume that if the woman has a promiscuous past that a relationship with her will more likely to be troublesome: she would more likely cheat; she would more likely have emotional issues which will be brought to the current relationship; she would likely be more demanding of her partner, because of her past relationships, etc.

      I guess this is the “double standard” you talk about in The Sex Risk for Women That No One Likes to Talk About , which I think are more related to men’s typical “alpha male” animal instincts and the “double standard” of price of sex for both genders, which I explained in my comment 319 there.

      That said, perhaps you might add another article entitled “What Women Really Think About Your Past” and “What Women Really Think About Nice Guys”. Thanks anyway for extolling women to give “nice guys” a break, even though I think that nobody can be categorized into “nice” or “bad”. We all have some of both traits. Think about “nice girls” for instance. I suspect they are more sexually available to a man she likes than most “bad girls” out there.

      You’re a champion for trying to shed light on many stereotypes that exist in the dating scene (or circus?). But how many are they! Sometimes I think we all got pretty lost and the connection between men and women was almost totally torn apart in this post-feminist world.

      That said, I have been even watching lately some romantic movies to get more into women’s world and I actually enjoy it. I have already watched too much porn and should give it a break. 🙂 Moreover I am now more interested in establishing a romantic relationship with a focus on emotional connection and bonding, easy lovemaking, which might be spiced it up occasionally when we both might feel like.

      All the best!