What Women Really Want From Men

October 14, 2009

Why are women so freaking hard to understand?

Why are women so freaking hard to understand?

This list of 35 brutally honest truths will tell you what women really want from men. Let’s just say I’m trying to promote cross-cultural understanding. Think of this as an Instruction Manual.

1. Women don’t tell each other everything.

We don’t share a lot of intimate sexual details. OK, if you’re hung like a stallion, it may come up in conversation. But we generally share the really personal stuff in only two situations. The first is when we’re seeking support. We’re upset about something that’s happened, and we want to find out how our trusted female companions view the situation. Are we overreacting? Or is it a dealbreaker? The second is when we are providing support to a friend in that same situation. If we’ve been through it, we’ll cough up the story to make her feel less alone.

2. We know when we’re being bitchy/PMS’ing.

If you call us out, we’ll deny it and get pissed, but if you cut us some slack and say “I love you even when you’re a bitch,” we’ll be grateful.

3. We don’t care about penis size.

That’s not what makes a good lover. It’s way, way down on the list, under the heading “Nice But Not Essential By Any Means.” It’s like men and huge boobs. Some men like ’em, some don’t, but it’s hardly a requirement for choosing a real partner (we hope).

4. When you tease us about our weight, you make us feel completely worthless and disgusting.

It’s about the worst thing a woman can hear. And it makes us want to keep our clothes on.

5. The majority of us can’t come from thrusting alone.

Studies have shown that if a woman’s clit is more than 1 1/8 inches from her vaginal opening, there’s no way she can have an orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation. It seems like Mother Nature really screwed up here (bummer!), but you shouldn’t take it personally.

6. We do care about your going down.

It’s vitally important to most women (the 70% who need clitoral stimulation). It’s hard to enjoy it, though, if we don’t think you love it. It’s the same as when you enjoy a blow job more when it’s done with enthusiasm. We won’t beg for it, though. The basic rule is, “Love me, love the vag.”

7. Re oral sex, every woman is different, but don’t take your lessons from porn.

That’s way too much licking and lapping from too far away (camera angle considerations). Think in terms of French kissing. A tight seal, light suction, soft tongue action. Gentle, gentle, gentle.

8. We are incredibly self-conscious about the way we smell.

Believe me, we know better than you do how gross VO can be. If you like the way we taste and smell, please say so. If you don’t have anything nice to say….well, you remember what Mama said. And we promise to keep it clean.

9. Anal sex hurts like hell.

It makes us sore for a week. If we do it, it’s because we really, really want to please you. Request it only occasionally.

10. We know you enjoy looking at other women.

But it makes us feel terrible if we detect it. When we’re together, please don’t look at other girls.

11. We’re the generation of women caught between wanting chivalry and wanting independence.

It’s confusing. We are proud to be self-sufficient, but we love it when you act chivalrous and protective.

12. We love the smell of your sweat and your musk.

Don’t cover it up with anything more than soap.

13. Your penis is magical.

We adore the penis as the font of life and we like to be penetrated by it. We cede dominance to you entirely in this arena.

14. We want to be appreciated for our intelligence.

We are threatened by beautiful, stupid women, and hope that you won’t choose them. You should know that IQ for boys is carried by the x chromosome of the mother, so if you have a stupid wife, you will have dumb sons.

15. We’d like to think that you could find us appealing in a turtleneck and old jeans.

It’s exhausting to always be figuring out ways to display the produce most effectively. And there are times when we don’t want you to feel sexy, because we don’t.

16. We can’t resist a guy acting domestic.

Cook us dinner, and you will almost certainly get laid.

17. Most of us aren’t gold diggers.

But we do care about effort. If you’re short on funds, we’re happy to go on endless cheap dates if you’ve given it some thought. Picnics, staying in to cook, hikes, museums, bike rides are all good. So is spending a whole weekend in bed.

18. The things a woman longs to hear:

  • You’re the only one I want.
  • I’ve never felt like this before.
  • You’re all I think about.

But only if you mean it.

19. Even when we act like it’s casual, it isn’t.

Very, very few of us really want no-strings sex. You can get away with a single hookup, but you should know that if we start having sex regularly, drama is inevitable.

20. Women cry even when we don’t want to.

We’re not using tears as a weapon to manipulate you and get what we want. We cry when we’re sad, angry, frustrated, scared, and discouraged. We also cry when we’re happy. If a woman cries during sex with you, she is thinking of you as a potential baby daddy.

21. I want to know that I’m sexually attractive, even though I’m taken.

I can get that from you, but if you don’t express how hot you think I am, I’ll wind up seeking that validation elsewhere. Don’t make me flirt with other guys.

22. When your plumbing doesn’t work, we think it’s our fault.

We know it’s very hard for you when this happens, but we blame ourselves, even if you had 18 beers.

23. We like to be dominated sometimes.

Whether it’s roughing up the sex a little or bossing us around, it’s exciting to take the sexual tension up a notch by reverting to a “Me Tarzan, You Jane” kind of scene on occasion.

24. We feel extremely threatened by other women you’ve hooked up with.

We will acquire photos of them online and ridicule them for hours on end with our friends. We will wonder how you could ever have liked such a fat, ugly, mean girl. (This will have nothing to do with her real appearance.) For this reason, it would be ideal if you pretended you never knew her, and never mentioned her in our presence.

25. Our women friends judge whether you treat us well enough.

Please do not tease, humiliate or ignore us in public. Even if we disagree, please stay cool and save it for later. Once our friends think you’re a douchebag, life is going to get a lot harder.

26. We are incapable of understanding your natural need for sexual variety.

We view it as a direct threat to our femininity and desirability. And we worry that we are just some of that variety, not the real deal. If you are willing to be monogamous with us, let us know asap. It makes a huge difference.

27. We love it when you ask us for our opinion or advice.

Men seem so self-sufficient that it’s rewarding when you can use a little help. We’ve been trained to offer support and nurturing since we were two, so let us do that once in a while.

28. We want to be pursued.

We want you to be the aggressor. If we ask why you never called, please don’t say, “Well, you didn’t call me either!” Once we’re in a relationship, we can talk about meeting halfway, but in the early days we feel more comfortable if you are the one making moves.

29. Please do not try to model your body after a gay underwear model.

Chest hair is sexy. We don’t like men who primp and preen too much. If you’re fit and healthy, that’s fine. And we hope you know that we find huge bodybuilder type muscles repulsive. They’re freaky.

30. Shaved heads are totally sexy.

If you haven’t got the fullest head of hair in the world, consider shaving it. A combover or anything close to it is a ladyboner killer.

31. There’s a difference between being flaky and being uncaring.

We want you to be reliable, but we’ll cut you some slack just for being a guy. Once we detect, though, that you’re jerking us around, you’re in trouble.

32. Uncontrolled farting has ended relationships.

We don’t care if you pee in front us, but any air or matter emanating from your back door should be kept as far away from us as possible. Loud burping is only slightly less offensive.

33. If you’ve put on some beer fat, buy bigger pants.

We don’t want to see exposed belly, love handles, or plumber’s crack because you’ve squeezed into the 32s you outgrew three years ago. One glimpse will put us off sex for a week.

34. We love getting a peek at the little boy you once were.

Get silly with us sometimes. We know you were ridiculously impulsive as a boy, so show us that side of you from time to time.

35. We’ve pretty much figured out that it’s normal for you to watch porn.

But you need to know that almost everything you see in porn will not work if you try it with us. We won’t sound like that, look like that, or act like that. If you’re having trouble getting it up with a real girl, you might lay off the porn and see if that helps.

I hope my female readers will weigh in here and add anything else you’d like to share. And I always welcome comments from the guys!