Don’t Be Too Perfect, It Scares the Men
I just returned from my trip to Florence and Paris, and while I didn’t actually “work” during my vacation, I seem to view everything through the lens of relationships these days. Everywhere I turned I seemed to find myself observing something that I could hardly wait to share with you. Today’s post is inspired by a story about Sandro Boticelli, a true superstar of the Renaissance.
La Bella Simonetta
There are two schools of thought around the question of whether men are intimidated by women that they are extremely attracted to. The prevailing view is that if a guy is very attracted to a woman, he will do everything in his power to get her. It takes on the feeling of a quest. No matter how beautiful or unattainable she may seem, he will risk his pride to take a shot. This is the HJNTIY School, as laid out by Justin Long’s character in the movie.
The other view is that men will actually avoid the object of their longing if they perceive that she is unattainable. They will not risk getting dumped later by a woman who they believe is hotter than they are. I call this the You Scare the Shit Out of Me School (YSTSOOM). Boticelli fell into the second camp.
Sandro Botticelli fell in love with Simonetta Vespucci, “la bella Simonetta,” the moment he laid eyes on her upon her arrival in Florence. She was the only woman he ever painted after that (and he painted many female figures), even after her death at age 22 in 1476. She was married, though she was probably also mistress to one of the Medicis. The Birth of Venus, a bit of which is shown here, was painted nine years after her death. It is believed that Sandro and Simonetta never actually met. This self-portrait of Boticelli (below) has such a haughty and arrogant expression I could swear he’s president of Kappa Sig. I’m surprised he didn’t arrange at least one occasion to spit game.
However, Boticelli requested to be buried at her feet in the Church of Ognissanti in Florence, and was interred there when he died in 1510. Now, how romantic is that? That means, lovely ladies, that you are going to have to provide some encouragement if you don’t want guys to wait until they’re dead before getting close.
It turns out there’s some research to support the YSTSOOM School. Science Blog’s Sexy Women Make Everyone Feel Bad highlights a study from the University of Missouri which shows that men feel worse about themselves after looking at pics of hot women:
“The theory is that a beautiful women makes a man self conscious because the he’s reminded that he’s not in her league – that is, they take one look at a hot girl and quickly realize there’s no way they’re good-looking enough to bang her. Since women have the larger investment in offspring, they tend to be considered the ‘picky’ ones, evolutionarily speaking. The men and their billions of sperm have to compete with other guys to convince a girl that they’ve got the genes to be worth it.
To test this theory, the researchers performed one more experiment. They broke the men into two groups – one received magazine layouts of sexually idealized females and the other received the same layouts with average-looking ‘boyfriends’ added to the photos, with captions about how the female models are attracted to the average-looking men. The men who looked at just the model were more self-conscious, presumably because when the other men saw the bombshells liked ‘normal guys,’ they no longer felt she was out of reach.”
In addition, The Daily Telegraph featured a survey that revealed that perfect women scare men. More magazine asked 1,000 men how they would feel about having sex with a perfect worman. Scarlett Johanssen’s body type was the most preferred with 44% of the vote. However, 88% of the respondents felt that the experience would be “too much,” and that they would not want to take their clothes off in her presence. Some other interesting facts were revealed in this survey, which asked men to identify what they find most attractive about women’s bodies (these men are Brits, not sure if it matters):
- The ideal body shape for 56% of men is a small waist with a big bottom.
- Only 6% of men felt that skinny women are the most desirable.
- Only 3% of men would like to see Victoria Beckham in the nude.
- 90% of men prefer a curvy body.
- 51% of men appreciate a toned body.
- More than a third of the men said a rounded tummy was desirable.
- Just 12% preferred women “with a great body who’s dedicated to diet and exercise” while 88 per cent would opt for a “woman with wobbly bits who’s up for a good time.’
The way I read it, you don’t have to be perfect. In fact, you’re better off with a couple of recognizable flaws. I’m not encouraging you to load up on the Twinkies. But the next time you’re whining and whingeing about that nice, rounded, womanly tummy, be thankful that you don’t scare the shit out of people.
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Both schools of thought probably have merit depending on the man. What these studies don't seem to do is investigate what kind of men are subject to each school of thought.
My view is that, by and large, the one's who will go to any length to pursue a seemingly unattainable woman are the ones with very little fear of rejection. This means that they either have excessively high confidence, really relish the thrill of the chase or don't really care enough about your opinion to worry about rejection.
In other words, by making yourself appear nearly unattainable, you are in effect screening out nearly all suitors other than players and douchebags. That sort of selection mechanism may have served a woman well 100,000 years ago, by separating the wheat from the chaff, but in the modern world it basically gets her A holes and douche bags who pump and dump. Good luck with that.
Awesome! So not Twinkies…can I load up on the Haagen-Daas then?
Yay, Passer By, I'm glad you came back. I like your candor. So, so true, what you say. People assume that beautiful women can have whoever they want, but the truth is they get the wrong kind of attention from the worst kind of men most of the time. So many extremely attractive women ask me why no one wants to date them. They've been pumped and dumped repeatedly. They need to work extra hard to be approachable, to develop friendships with men, and to signal their interest when they're attracted to someone. Of course, this feels risky for women not used to taking the initiative. They've been rejected by those A holes and douchebags, and it's eroded their self-confidence. There's just something really upside down about this.
Haha, why not, in moderation. I think Haagen-Daas vanilla is the best vanilla on the market. I wouldn't serve apple crisp with any other brand! For my money, though, the best splurge EVER is creme brulee.
This is Australia too, right? And this gives away the whole game straight away: ” Just over one in 10 (12 per cent) preferred women “with a great body who's dedicated to diet and exercise'' while 88 per cent would opt for a “woman with wobbly bits who's up for a good time''. Basically blokes with pretty consistently low standards & expectations about what might interest them. Low cost of entry & low maintenance & 'trouble' are worth more to most than almost any combo of 'smashing good looks'. But then again there's a whole industry dedicated to telling the world & women in particular a vastly different & more complicated (& oodles more expensive) picture.
And strangely enough, what survey after survey tells us is that almost any realistic combination of 'real life' geometry of figure will have its ready fans. Soft tummies? Geez, they've not outlawed them down under yet, huh? But the conservative nature of the population here (and the source BTW) is belied by the overwhelmingly negative response to tats & piercings. And it would be difficult to find many women w/o one or the other (or both) under the age of 40 say. Other than religious minority populations, say here in the US/Can.
But as we've seen displayed here before, just being beautiful has it's severe consequences for people growing up under it's 'influence & effect', and people's natural reaction to this condition. (For both men & women). It cannot help but change people and not uncommonly warp their personalities. If you desired to, you could consciously work to try and mitigate against such 'effects' as a 'Spartan' cynic might, with greater discipline and dedication to other tasks or goals beyond yourself. But even here, your natural beauty would also naturally affect your life's course. No matter what. And it's people's common reaction to you that will often be most determining of how you come to view the world. So instead of valuing effort, smarts or hard work at achievable goals, you always know that you've 'got an in' or a way out if need be too. There's a developed sense of privilege & entitlement that many people come to express or expect. They well know which 'league' they're expected to be in when dating, and most of the guys out there just do not measure up. Which is why many of these comely young ingénues like to go around with the much older & experienced and seriously moneyed players from various big business swirls or such 'captains of industry'. Even if for a short time. Regular guys see this and just know that they're unlikely to measure up well to these lofty expectations. Even if they start 'slowly' & well, many have found that even dating such women for a short period of time can be an exhausting game of 'catch up' to where you're constantly facing the prospect that you'll never quite measure up to the 'natural' expectations of either the woman or her friends/family or even the 'general population' looking on often in quiet amazement.
I'm willing to bet that many of these lovely beautiful friends & acquaintances Susan cites are often blowing off & by perfectly normal blokes who might even be fairly well suited for them, just by their manner & the way they talk. Even the very well mannered & polite ones! Well I recall those encounters with some chagrin. The 'well your time here with the likes of wonderful me is up and I've got to be moving on to better prospects' look and nod & smile. You don't even mind if she's polite enough, actually. But years, (decades actually) on you hear that she's still singe due to the well known dynamic expressed above. Too many players. Too few chances. Too much time wasted with too few real life success stories to look back upon with any pleasure. Or satisfaction.
And the guys? As we've seen, most don't really think too hard about it all. The bottom line more or less comes down to the quick & dirty: “88 per cent would opt for a “woman with wobbly bits who's up for a good time''. Again. What's so hard to understand here? Eventually you hopefully learn quickly what you might want & desire as 'fantasy material' vs what you really need in your everyday life are really two separate realms of existence. The smart men, the doers, inventors & thinkers not the Hollywood/Entertainer types, really know this or pay dearly to have their fantasies play out poorly for them in their dotage. Always chose the dutiful, resourceful working breeds over the more strictly ornamental & 'high strung' show dogs. The dray horse over the race horse. You'll never regret it. Normalizing selection folks. It can work for you. Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'
Yup. What I keep trying to communicate, again and again, (as you know), is that the smart men, the doers, the thinkers, are the ones who make the best long-term partners. Since that's what women are programmed to seek, it's about getting women to open their eyes and redefine their strategies. Yes, most women will get pushed around by a few Alphas first. But Passer By has it right – most of those guys are A holes and douchebags. A great looking guy is just too damned in demand right now – very, very few will remain unspoiled, as you say.
Susan, Some men may be intimidated, but I don´t think this is the main point. What men feel when they see a very beautiful girl is desire to a point that it becomes a pain in the neck. It is disturbing in the way that it makes us aware of our lack of power over it. Men know they can´t have all the beautiful girls in the world, and this causes frustration in a subconscious level. The level of work, money and game that a man knows he will have to spend if he is going to try to get that girl is also a bummer. That´s why men feel bad, not because they are intimidated. The second point I disagree is about the poll´s results. The questions are biased. When you ask a man if he likes curves, he thinks about Selma Hayek, not Queen latiffa. He contrasts a curvy girl with a stick girl like Kate Moss. But when he says he likes curves, all fat women in the world think the guy like fatties. Not true at all. I have never, ever known a guy in my life who likes fat girls. Not one. Same thing about skinny girls. Victoria Beckham looks like a witch and one might take her for the witch´s broom. In summary, men like curves on a thin girl. So, be perfect. Work out a lot. That´s what men want.
Smartduck, you made me laugh out loud. I loved the witch's broom bit. I also questioned a couple of the findings, which is why I wondered in my post if the Brits might see things a bit differently. I definitely don't know too many American men who are looking for women with wobbly bits who like to have a good time.
I agree about Selma Hayek. I don't think any woman believes men prefer fat to fit. That's why I caution women not to run for the Twinkies. I do believe, though, that many, many women think that Kate Moss's body is the ideal. That's why the incidence of eating disorders in this country is so high.
However, smartduck, you've not exactly offered a solution here. You give an insightful explanation of why men feel bad when they see beautiful women, but then instruct women to be perfect. What's the point of being perfect if it's going to just make guys feel bad and decide you're not worth it? What's the point of a man wanting you if he doesn't have the balls to go get you?
OK, let's try to be honest and explain.
Feminine beauty is a blessing and a curse for men, at the same time. A blessing when you can enjoy it, a curse the rest of the time. You girls just don't know what it is.
While it is not the only feature men look in a woman, it is a kind of threshold she must pass. The height of this threshold for a guy depends on many factors: the availability of beautiful women, the looks of the guy, his “game”, his status, and his sex drive.
My personal list of women's “must-have” features would be, in order: a kind heart (morals, goodness, honesty, values, etc) , smarts and good humor. But all these characteristics could be very well present in an ugly friend. She needs to attract me first physically.
But see, most men marry plain girls. The threshold is not so high as many would expect. Once there is some basic attraction, personality will make the difference for the commitment. And some few guys are just more laid off and will find satisfaction in a very homely girl.
Personally, once two girls pass my beauty threshold, I would choose the smarter and kinder one, even if she is not the most beautiful.
Most men would sleep with a gorgeous girl with a mean, or stupid personality, but they would seldom commit themselves in the long term. The trick for your female readers is in giving time for the guys to know you inside, before you put sex into the equation. The environment today allows some men to just hookup one girl after the other, and simply there is no time for knowing someone this way.
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About physical perfection, of course that is unattainable. But women should realize that it is a harsh reality of this world that men seek beauty. Keep it while you can and don't be a sloppy McDonald's customer.
Of course men learn how to deal with the disturbance of physical attraction. The more he is involved with work, with productive things, the more he will have other concerns. Love also makes a huge difference. Kids too. With time, most men lose some sex drive. But some will remain, and even married old men will eventually be tempted by a sexy young thing.
Men are not idiots who will chase any skirt all the time, we learn to control ourselves when we need to. Most guys know they don't HAVE to go after the girl all the time, that some other things are more important.
My advice is more focused to the women: make this challenge that all men face be a little easier, at least try to be beautiful for YOUR man.
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Before the girls throw rocks at me, remember that women analyze, test and rank men ten times more often and in a more calculating way than men do. That's all you do when you are with friends. Men are much more spontaneous, we also rank women, but it is much more automatic and natural. That's why many times we make fools of ourselves.
Just adding a little note. I am reading the book “Unhooked” and I am convinced that the cultural and sociological environment is the key to understand the mess America is today regarding sexuality. The teenage girls are being brainwashed by feminism, individualism and an egocentric culture. Where else in the world a 15 year old girl would say that she is “motivated to compete and win at all times”, “that she gets a feeling of satisfaction about crushing the competitors”, that “boys are just toys” ?
Of course a 15 year old girl should be excelling at school and preparing herself to be someone. But being a good student and a future good professional doesn't mean being a bitch in her personal life. Teenage girls in other countries are reading romantic novels, they are learning how to communicate with male and female friends, they are dreaming of living in a foreign land, they are writing poetry. First time sex is usually with someone they love: it is a big thing.
In the US, they see sex as a thing to be “mastered”, as if it were a sport or a piece of software you learn to use. And if it helps you to be “popular” (the worst curse of America) , the better. So they learn the technique of giving a blow job with their friends, but can't communicate with a boy. They just don't know how to be romantic. They watch TV and play videogames with the boy, but can't talk.
No wonder when they grow up, they look at men as people look at a car or an investment they want to buy. It is just one more step to success, or popularity.
That's why there is this huge movement from American guys to flee from American women and get a foreign bride. Who's to blame ? The whole individualistic and feminist framework must be dismantled if things are to get better. The way girls are raised must change.
I can't see that happening soon. On the contrary, this way of life has been exported to the rest of the world.
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Oh no, smartduck, no one here is going to throw rocks at you. I absolutely love what you have to say. In fact, that bit about waiting a bit for sex may make it into a post – I'm afraid the majority of readers just don't make it through a careful reading of the comments. All of this is really helpful, and your insights are definitely not the run of the mill nonsense one finds poking around online. It's good to get real, honest, feedback from an intelligent, mature and open man. Thank you.
Boy, you are so right. First, let me say that Unhooked was a major influence in my starting this blog. The other was Tom Wolfe's “I Am Charlotte Simmons” (and my experience as a parent, of course). Interestingly, both books feature Duke prominently. Laura Sessions Stepp has been vilified by feminists, but I give her major props for telling it like it is.
Second, I agree that the Women's Movement has had many effects on sexuality today. Many of those consequences were unintended. Betty Friedan is on record as being horrified by the level of promiscuity our culture endorses. Today the word feminism doesn't mean any one thing. For my generation, it was about increased career opportunities and not having to put up with your boss pinching your tush (my boss grabbed my breast in the 80s, but that is another story). Today's young feminists are all about “sex positivity,” which is all about finding new orifices (or ways of entering them), new combinations (polyamory, swinging, etc.), new sex toys, new ways of pushing the envelope. I've said many times that I couldn't care less what people do in their own bedrooms, but honestly, it's permeating our culture at the middle school level. Our local high school teaches a lesson on “fisting” in sex ed, complete with a helpful “how to” primer.
Finally, you're right about this being an American phenom. While the majority of my readers are from English-speaking countries (US, UK, Canada, Australia), I hear from lots of people in other countries who are all too familiar with hookup culture. It's clear that it is exported directly from America, probably via film and TV. American women who study abroad are expected to put out for the locals, no questions asked. The men are genuinely surprised to find that the woman they're speaking with isn't straight out of Real World.
I do have to say that boys are subject to the same influences, and because they directly benefit from a less stringent moral code around sex, they have embraced hookup culture wholeheartedly. As girls mature and seek relationships in their late teens and early 20s, they often find that boys want another 10 years of carousing. Women in college are waiting for knuckleheads to grow up and start acting like men. For what it's worth, I think the delayed maturation of young men can also be tied into the Women's Movement – men are understandably confused about their proper role and what's expected of them.
I dont like the word, but girls are the gatekeepers. Boys are just following the changes. I must add that many shy, sensitive boy teens are getting trampled by these young vixens. Not all 15 yold boys are players.
Funny you should use that word. A friend (male, my age, two daughters in their 20s) just said exactly the same thing. “Women need to return to being the gatekeepers.” Oy, what a mess.
I don't consider my self 'afraid' (in the strictest sense of the word) of these women.
Probably men like myself and others are more simply aware that we are not at the girl's market value level, and we just don't really shop.
Analogy:
I'm sure that if I started intense shopping for a Ferrari or Mercedes, I would become more aware of the features and characteristics of these cars. But I am in the Honda/Toyota price range.
Why develop a taste for things that I can't afford? Who wants to live in a state of desire that will never be satisfied? I am not afraid of beautiful women any more than I am of expensive cars.
We WOULD pursue women who we find ourselves moved by, except for one problem:
They are usually desirable to other men, who have higher market value.
I can accept defeat and rejection with grace, and without bitterness. Life is full of pain, and it always will be.
I know that there are a lot of angry men who feel unfairly rejected by modern women. Perhaps your view that they are 'afraid' is accurate in some cases. But a lot of us have quietly given up any pursuit because we are just plain worn out. I am closer to the end of my life than the beginning of it now, and I need to think about me, and enjoy the remaining few years of relative youth while I can.
I have reached an age and a financial position where I have started to surprisingly attract quite a few women. But I'm just too worn out from years of lets-just-be-friends. I'm not alone, either. I have a growing number of single male friends who have given up same as me.
After a while, you get used to being alone, it's not great, but it isn't as bad as I originally thought it would be.
NO!!!!!! Don't give up! Seriously, it sounds like you've given up on the Mercedes, but did you ever see a Honda that you thought could be a sweet ride? Men get so discouraged if they can't crack that top tier of really attractive women, but there are so many women feeling the same way about very handsome men. Assume that there's a top 20%, and they only have eyes for each other. Why doesn't the other 80% of the population get busy with each other? I just don't understand the math on this, it doesn't make sense.
Wow, that's an amazing post! A++
)
I agree with Susan.
I think it's part of the ego of men to want the top-tier women and then give up if they can't get the women in only that range. They don't want to settle for “less” (*note, the quotation marks.) But “less” in their eyes might not be as “less” as they actually are and the top-tiered women they are continually chasing & wanting might not be as top-tiered as they make them out to be.
I'm not sure if my post makes sense, but…hopefully it does.
. xo
Hi Rebecca, thanks so much for commenting! Yes, that makes total sense. Let's say that just 20% of the population is really good looking (that's through the camera lens, no points for personality, confidence, etc.). But all the women want men in that 20%, and all the men want women in that 20%. That means 80% of the population isn't getting what they want, because by and large the 20% is only interested in each other.
What a waste! I know so many wonderful guys and girls in that 80% who become lots more attractive when you add in personality, character, etc. I cannot understand why normal, reasonable people don't intuitively do this math and seek partners of like traits. It's because many of us in the 80% want to be the exception. We want someone to come along and say, “Are you crazy? You're gorgeous! You're top 5%!” It's all ego driven. Sigh.
I think you misinterpret my post's intent. Your original post was about not being perfect since it 'scares the boys'. My point is that I don't even CONSIDER the upper tier of women, LET ALONE pine for them. It is though they don't really exist, just like Ferraris exist to me only as a brand of car that I am aware exists; I never even entertain the thought of what it would be like to own one. So “perfection” in women is like a high price tag – we just assume we can't afford it. It is not fear.
In no way am I ruling out “Average Jane”. In actuality, I find the vast majority of women attractive in one way or other, provided that they are more or less in shape (not significantly overweight). I shop in the Nissan/Ford price range.
But even there, the women overreach more often than not, and don't realize that their market value is very high, provided they want hook-ups, but their marriage value is lower with these 'hot guys'. Hot guys will trade them in quickly, but not before stealing from them some of their trust, their love, and their sexual energy.
Later, they realize that a beta provider looks good from a long-term stance, and decide to settle. But in conversations with women friends I have, I can see the fire in their eyes when they talk about their “first love”, or some exciting ex-boyfriend.
They will never love the beta provider with a true heart, since much of that heart has been left behind, ground up by the string of players they desperately tried to win.
I am not a liferaft. I am a human being with feelings, and I cannot allow myself to be used as a rescue device for a soul that willfully damaged itself, all the while regarding good men as lowly.
Since your tone is much more civilized here, I'm happy to engage. All I can say is that you have no understanding of women. We are as subject to the laws of supply and demand as anyone else. That which is rare is valuable. If you're average, you've got some serious marketing to do, same with an average looking woman.
You may be shopping for a Nissan, but Game is all about banging the top tier. Roissy says a woman isn't “fuckable” unless she's a 6 or higher, under 30 with a BMI of 23 or less. OK, have it your way. Happy hunting.
So it's bad that as an average guy I want an average girl, and don't even think about going after the 6+ range? I thought that shopping in my own category makes me realistic.
Game-playing and hard-to-get might be fun at 25, but it is jsut too much work in the 40s.
By the way… I have “no understanding of women”?
You're very quick with analysis of the personal. Careful, or you'll rapidly find yourself accusing me of living in my parent's basement.
I understand women well enough to remain single, and having seen how many of my male friends have had their lives shredded, I was wise to do so.
In reference to my previous post, does “civilized” mean “not containing ugly truths”?
I don't recall using profanity or attacking someone personally.
Ah, Rick, forgive me. I came down a bit hard on you there. To be honest, I'm up to my eyeballs in crap with these PUA/Game types, and it's a bit tiresome. I don't really buy the argument that women want Alphas, marry them, get used up by them, bleed them dry in no-fault divorces, and then look for Betas to help them raise Alpha's children. I'm sure there are women like that, but I have to assume these are women of low quality. I'm a big fan of the Beta male, but I acknowledge that my definition might differ from those in the Pickup Artist community. To me, Beta = Type B = personality traits which are very desirable in the modern world. Women don't need high testosterone men to slay the woolly mammoth anymore. We want partners with character and integrity. Yes, there will always be golddiggers and disgusting women who will go home with any guy who promises to slap them around. That's not who I write for. My readers are looking for the qualities that make a good husband and father. I know beautiful women who have happily borne the children of Beta men who were not handsome, but who were interesting and attractive in more important ways. Men who are smart, and accomplished. Education is a huge part of this. When Ferdinand defended Roosh, he boasted that Roosh was a part-time bartender, owned a motorcycle and worked as a Club DJ. That is most certainly not who women want to father their children. We want a good man, with a strong work ethic, who is not ashamed to show us that he loves us unconditionally. I have that, so I know it's possible.
Anyway, forgive my lapse into bitchiness, haha. You're a good guy to come back for another round.
Hi Susan,
First off let me just say I'm a really big fan of your blogs! On to my issues…
I see what you're trying to do, but I feel like you are in a way putting down or belittling the women that are in good shape and/or are naturally skinny. I'm not sure if that's the message we should be putting out in a society where over half of our population is obese. Being in shape and healthy I don't think can ever be a bad thing, I mean it has health benefits. I'm not saying they're better LOOKING than other women, it's just a different kind of body, no more or less. In addition, I feel a disconnect between your argument and your evidence. It seems as though you are stating men are afraid of “perfect” women, but later you state they prefer imperfection over perfection. So why would they be afraid of perfect women if they don't like them? I'm sorry I'm just a bit confused.
Hi Susan,
First off let me just say I'm a really big fan of your blogs! On to my issues…
I see what you're trying to do, but I feel like you are in a way putting down or belittling the women that are in good shape and/or are naturally skinny. I'm not sure if that's the message we should be putting out in a society where over half of our population is obese. Being in shape and healthy I don't think can ever be a bad thing, I mean it has health benefits. I'm not saying they're better LOOKING than other women, it's just a different kind of body, no more or less. In addition, I feel a disconnect between your argument and your evidence. It seems as though you are stating men are afraid of “perfect” women, but later you state they prefer imperfection over perfection. So why would they be afraid of perfect women if they don't like them? I'm sorry I'm just a bit confused.
Hi June, thanks so much for leaving a comment, and asking such good questions! In both this post and “Do Pretty Girls Have it Harder?”
http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2009/09/11/hookin...
…I am actually offering support to both beautiful women and the rest of us. It's very difficult for very attractive women today – the hookup culture prioritizes getting laid over relationships, and men are less likely to be rejected by a less attractive woman. A man may see a beautiful woman and ache for her, but if he believes he is unlikely to succeed with her, he will generally avoid her. That's the YSTSOOM phenomenon. And it's very difficult for attractive women. They are out, and they get ignored in favor of easier “prey.” Men like them, but are afraid of them, and choose less intimidating women. I'd say about 10% of women fall into this category.
Re the weight question, you make a good point. I am not encouraging women to be overweight. We both know that our culture idealizes thinness – I think naturally slender women get plenty of reinforcement. But so many women are in quest of that Kate Moss body when it's not genetically possible for them. A girl may have chubby thighs (like me!) or just a little softness in the middle rather than 6-pack abs. She's healthy, she's not overweight, but she's not perfect. She's in the 90% of women who don't look like Simonetta Vespucci. Well, hookup culture does her one little favor. It makes her less intimidating. The beautiful woman's loss is her gain.
Hi June, thanks so much for leaving a comment, and asking such good questions! In both this post and “Do Pretty Girls Have it Harder?”
http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2009/09/11/hookin...
…I am actually offering support to both beautiful women and the rest of us. It's very difficult for very attractive women today – the hookup culture prioritizes getting laid over relationships, and men are less likely to be rejected by a less attractive woman. A man may see a beautiful woman and ache for her, but if he believes he is unlikely to succeed with her, he will generally avoid her. That's the YSTSOOM phenomenon. And it's very difficult for attractive women. They are out, and they get ignored in favor of easier “prey.” Men like them, but are afraid of them, and choose less intimidating women. I'd say about 10% of women fall into this category.
Re the weight question, you make a good point. I am not encouraging women to be overweight. We both know that our culture idealizes thinness – I think naturally slender women get plenty of reinforcement. But so many women are in quest of that Kate Moss body when it's not genetically possible for them. A girl may have chubby thighs (like me!) or just a little softness in the middle rather than 6-pack abs. She's healthy, she's not overweight, but she's not perfect. She's in the 90% of women who don't look like Simonetta Vespucci. Well, hookup culture does her one little favor. It makes her less intimidating. The beautiful woman's loss is her gain.