How Women Wind Up Alone With a House Full of Cats
Early this year, the Boston Globe magazine started a feature called Dinner with Cupid. They’ll pay for a blind date, and they do the matchmaking based on interests, education, age, etc. A photo is required as part of the application, so I assume they’re trying to match up people of a similar level of attractiveness as well. Dinner with Cupid is often charming, and I look forward to reading it each week. I’m not alone — I’ve heard people talking about it around town, and it generates quite a few letters to the editor.
Recently, I’ve been aware that I approach the column with a slight sense of dread. In particular, I’m worried that the guy is going to be a peach, and the woman is going to be unjustifiably hard on him.
Let’s take this week’s date as a case in point:
First Impressions
Samantha: I liked his sense of style — nice black button-up. And I liked his blue eyes.
Michael: I thought she was very cute, definitely my type.
The Vibe
Michael: She had a beautiful smile and an infectious laugh, which I loved. A girl with a great sense of humor gets me every time.
Samantha: I liked his scruffy blond hair. His personality made him more attractive as well. We laughed at random things.
Thumbs Up or Down?
Samantha: When we got to my car, we gave each other the awkward “I don’t want to leave just yet” hug.
Michael: We exchanged numbers. I definitely had a great time.
Final Grade
Michael says: A
Samantha says: B+
WTF???
B+? Exactly why did she take off 10+ points? This sounds about as great as a blind date can be. I just don’t get it. Fast forward 15 years, she’ll be saying to their kids “I knew your father was a B+ the first time I laid eyes on him!”
Here’s another example:
What They’re Looking For
Janine:
Last Book Read: Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight.
Perfect Saturday: In bed till noon, gym, shopping, then partying.
Ideal mate: Looks like Brody Jenner.
Michael:
Last book read: Richard Russo’s Nobody’s Fool
Couldn’t live without: His pots and pans (he loves to cook).
Why he’s a catch: He’s intelligent, outgoing, and loves his mom.
First Impressions
Janine: I was about 15 minutes late. Give me a break, I couldn’t get a cab! I usually go for guys who are a little taller.
Michael: Janine looked great. She wore a black dress that accentuated her body amazingly. Paired with a pretty face, it was a knockout combination.
The Vibe
Michael: At one point, Janine began text-messaging someone. That was kind of offensive to me. She did say, “This is kind of rude, isn’t it?” I had to say, “Kind of, yeah.”
Janine: He was a little annoyed. I can’t help it. That’s why they call it a CrackBerry!
Thumbs Up or Down?
Michael: I enjoyed the evening completely. It usually takes me longer than the first date to get a “I like this person” kind of feeling. But if she’s willing, I’m willing.
Janine: I had fun, but his confidence was a bit of a turnoff.
Final Grade
Michael: A
Janine: C
She refused a second date. What an idiot. He is well rid of her. He outclassed her from the start, with his love of literature, cooking, and his mom. If this guy is not a catch, I don’t know who is!
I decided to dig a little deeper over the history of the program to see how each date went. Here’s what I found:
- 25 blind dates have been written up.
- On 10 of those dates, the parties gave each other the same grade. Five of those couples went for a second date. For these folks, the system worked perfectly.
- On 9 of those dates, the men rated the women higher. Five of those couples wanted to see each other again. Michael and Samantha are in this group.
- On 6 of those dates, the women rated the men higher, and three went on to arrange another meeting.
25 couples is a pretty small sample size, but there were 50% more dates where the women got a more generous grade than they gave. What could I learn from their comments?
I looked first at dates where the men rated their dates lower:
- “At first, it was closer to “I don’t know if this is going to work,” then it shifted over to “This person is pretty great.” She seemed really open to new experiences and has a good, lively energy.Although I’m not yet sure if the connection is romantic or platonic, she’s an awesome woman and I’d be happy to share more fun with her.”
(Second date was a go.)
- “She was really nice, and I think we had fun. I wasn’t feeling a smooch, so I went for the hug.”
(She wanted a second date, and his response was “I don’t see why not.”)
- “I had a couple of beers. I wasn’t that excited. I didn’t have high hopes. I wasn’t attracted to her right away. Too plain-Jane for me.”
(Ouch. This sounds like someone applied for him as a prank!)
Now what women said about the guys they rated lower:
“He said he’d enjoy seeing me again. I’d love to meet someone a little more outdoorsy and rugged. I didn’t laugh as much as I had hoped.”
(She says no chemistry, no second date.)
Sarah: “I noticed he had a bit of a round figure.”
Kirk: “Sarah’s cute and curvy.”
(Are you freaking kidding me? These two look like siblings – she is in no position to be criticizing him. Compare his positive attitude with her judgmental one. No second date.)
“I think we shared a similar sense of humor. I laughed a lot on the date. He was easy to talk to and laughed at my jokes. I may have gotten more comfortable with each drink. After Beer Works, we decided to go to a going-away party for a friend of his. I was excited to see how he interacted with his friends or in a group.”
(Another case where he said A!, she said B+. They went for the second date.)
I write a lot about how guys have a better deal all around in the hookup culture. Can any of you explain to me what is going on here? Here are guys willing to date and commit to the right person. And they’re getting shafted.
If women hold out, and hold out, and hold out some more, they are going to wind up with a house full of cats.
Girls, be honest, can you relate to these women? Guys, have you had this experience? Help me understand, please.
Related posts:
more on overlooked boy inequieites in education
http://www.whyboysfail.com
Yup, I agree. The skills that served the alpha so well 100,000 years ago, e.g. spear throwing, brute strength, are no longer required for survival. Physical prowess is sport/entertainment, nothing more. There are consultants whose entire business is helping alpha males to get along better with others, especially in the work place. They are born leaders, but no one can stand to work with them. And I doubt they're much fun around the house, either.
As for when to accept an offer? Check out this interesting article:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-scienti...
It's been mathematically proven that women should reject the first 37% of potential lifetime mates, and then take the next good offer. It's easier to manage the number in Iowa than in NYC, or Boston for that matter. Since women are the ones selecting, perhaps women in cities, with thousands of potential dates, are having difficulty processing their options. Interesting, anyway.
Haha, Kate, I love your funny comments! You always get straight to the point, and you're always right on target! Good point. I daresay there are more of those than women with 20 cats.
Well, one could hardly blame them. It must indeed get very discouraging when you're a man doing everything you're supposed to do, and your efforts are met with “that's not good enough.” Perhaps this explains why we're in trouble with our birth rate (once you remove recent immigrants).
Yes! This is a great blog, I have a lot of respect for Richard Whitmire. I've quoted him before re hookup culture. He weighs in on this article:
The Child Man
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/...
I believe this is key in understanding the American man today.
I'm writing a “How To” book on that right now, though it also involves video games , awesome A/V equipment and an indoor batting cage and driving range. It's gonna be a best seller. “Chapter Six: Realdoll.com”
Le sigh, another lost comment…
Rick – You're right! It is arrogance! It's confidence in my gut instincts gleaned over one too many fake relationships where I've let things develop in hopes that I'll feel what I am supposed to feel when I meet a sweet guy only to find months later I haven't been feeling it.
I don't assume chemistry can't develop, I know it can.
But let's roll with your food analogy, I love cookies and bread and all things made from flour and yet they make me really sick (I am a celiac) and until 2005 I used to still indulge occasionally but now I know how much better my life is without them. I rarely eat junk food and fast food and I like to bake from scratch. I am a vegetarian and have food allergies up the wazoo. In other words, I like my men and relationships like I like my food – grown with love, local, organic, and not impregnanted with toxins. Yes, I am a picky eater but that has it's bonuses I am creative in the kitchen and not afraid to try different combinations of the foods I love and are good for me – I have a healthy well balanced diet because I know what ingredients make me happy and what ingredients make me sick
Yay, another X chromosome, haha! I LOVE the food analogy. I wish there was a Whole Foods full of organic, local guys not impregnated with toxins! Talk about an Omnivore's Dilemma…
I absolutely refute the notion that a woman should go on a second date with a man if the first date didn't arouse her interest in any way. Lots of times women don't feel the chemistry, but enjoy the company and agree to see where it goes.
That is not the point I'm making here! I am not criticizing these women for not liking their dates. I object to them raving about their dates, and then scoring them low. I also object to the way the women prioritized physical faults, while the men had more class than that across the board. And the woman who was late and texting was just plain rude. The sample size was pretty small, it's just that in reading this column over the course of 10 months I really did notice that the women were very tough customers. I didn't fault, or write about, any women who tactfully declined another date. That's life.
P.S. Decoy Betty, have I lost two of your comments, or just one? a;lkdfja;ldkjfa;dlkfj I am so sorry, i've got to get to the bottom of this!
Hmmm…this doesn't surprise me all that much, especially in Boston. All the women I know are incredibly educated and fun, and are looking for their match in those capacities. In Boston, we definitely have more of a tendency to date based on resumes first, and personality second.
The rating difference surprised me a little because I think men are usually more superficial and take more time to get into someone than women. But, especially given that these stats would be published in the newspaper, there might have been an attempt from these women to not come off as super gung-ho and therefore somehow “desperate.”
In regard to the lady who said she didn't like the man's “round” figure: an overweight woman on a documentary about dating I saw once said something to the effect of “people assume that because I'm fat, that I'm attracted to fat men. I'm not. Just like most fat men aren't attracted to their physical equals. Why should my pants size be the measure of the mate I'm 'allowed' to pursue?” People here keep pointing out that physical attraction is mostly chemical, at least initially. So, I think it's a bit harsh to say “well, she's no prize–she should (in effect) take what she can get.” Most of the men I'm generally attracted to weigh about 50 lbs less than me (I like my boys lanky). I don't rule the other ones out completely, but I'm not physically attracted to them unless their personality makes them more attractive to me over time. Does that mean I'll be an old maid? Or must I not reject people physically similar to me? All the recent studies have shown that the happiest and most faithful marriages are generally those in which the female's perceived value is higher than the male's, such that he feels “lucky to have her.” So I don't take a lot of stock in the similar-levels-of-attractiveness schtick.
What's interesting to me is that my pool of female peers are all looking for a good beta male–a stable, educated, mature, good provider. And they will sacrifice actual chemistry to get one. My BFF who will be working on her Ph.D next year came to visit recently from her rural VA home and made sure to set-up a blind date here in advance since the talent pool is so much better (she's a brilliant Black female–she has an even tougher time dating). She went out with the tiniest, most awkward MIT grad student with a seriously impressive resume. And I don't mean conventional, nerdy awkward. I mean “I'm-90%-positive-you're-gay” awkward. Did they have a lot to talk about? Absolutely. Is there any romantic chemistry at all? Nope, not for her. Is she in any way attracted to him? Definitely not. But, he is an MIT grad student and literally the only guy she's ever been on a date with who actually graduated from college. So, she'll be keeping him around. Not out of desperation, out of a sense of “I certainly deserve to be connected to someone like that.” And I cannot blame her. Nobody wants to settle. And women like us are deathly afraid of marrying some Neanderthal who won't get off the couch and can barely spell. In many parts of the country, that Neanderthal is the only guy left after all the decent ones have been snatched up.
Hey, LAC, nice to “see” you again! I agree that we can't control (nor should we try) the reality of who people are attracted to. In this post, I was trying to get at what struck me as odd about the Dinner with Cupid articles. The first thing was that the women who really, really liked their dates still scored lower than the men did. Perhaps, as you say, they didn't want to seem too eager. The other was that some of the feedback was tactless. If you're going to say a guy is too round for you, when you are not perfect yourself, you are inviting pushback. She could have said she didn't feel a spark rather than criticize his weight. I can only assume she humiliated him by sharing that in the Boston Globe! If she was a supermodel, I would still feel exactly the same way about her remark. I also thought the woman was rude who said, “I thought I would laugh more.” Like the guy has to do stand-up to get her attention. Again, she could have said he was interesting but she didn't see it going anywhere. There's nothing wrong with not wanting a second date, but there is no need to be cruel. I think her remark was selfish, and it too invites pushback. She's no beauty queen, does she have a hilarious and entertaining personality to compensate?
Overall, I have the sense that women tend to be harsher judges, or at least these women did. Maybe this group just has bad manners. By the way, there was one writeup – you may have seen it – a couple that has been married for 20 years submitted a Dinner with Cupid writeup of their first date in college. She ended by saying she didn't think she wanted a second date, haha. Obviously, he won her over in the end.
Finally, I think you are really onto something with regard to women seeking beta males. I am doing a lot of research on this right now, and may use your comment in a post! I commend your friend for recognizing the friendship value of the MIT guy, and for appreciating his mind and what he has to offer. She is the polar opposite of the women I've described in this post!
I hear such mixed things about whether Boston is a good singles city, but one thing's for sure. Very few Neanderthals.
Susan,
I agree, some of those people were just rude, which surprises me because, as women, I feel like we're constantly trying to find “nice” ways to reject men. Especially if you know your statements are going to be printed. Makes me wonder if he was rude to her at some point… Or, she's just mean.
Well I'm from the Midwest, and have moved slowly East over the past 10 yrs. I can tell you that for single, educated, intelligent young women Boston is the best place ever to date. Before moving here, I literally hadn't gone on a date since college–like 4 yrs. Why? No one to date. When I moved here, I was getting asked out several times a week by people with graduate degrees. There are just tons of single educated people here (and certainly tons of beta males). Another old friend of mine who moved here recently from New York says that she “falls in love 8 times a day” here and that of all the places she's lived, Boston has the most attractive men (obviously we're more into the bookish types).
Oh, and btw, I decided to form a monogamous relationship with that artist, the consummate sensitive beta male. He grew on me over time, and I just stopped being able to come up with reasons to keep saying “no.” We'll see how it turns out in the long run.
I am so happy for you! I was wondering about Beta Artist, but didn't want to pry. I hope you won't stop coming to my blog now just b/c you're in a relationship
Also, I am really excited to hear about Boston being a great singles city. If you don't mind my asking, where do you meet great Betas with graduate degrees? The bar scene, online dating, something else? I know a great many young women in Boston who are in college, but will be desperate to meet new men soon.
Susan,
I certainly won't stop visiting. I read these sorts of media for the same reason I read Savage Love: intellectual curiosity. We could all use advice from time to time.
When I first moved to Boston (from rural PA) to start grad school, a classmate of mine convinced me to sign up for Match.com. He was having a lot of success with it (like 5 dates a week success) without really doing any work. I had some luck there (you may recall that failed romance with the math teacher, and a few other dates with engineers, etc.), and I met the Beta Artist and a couple other scientists, teachers, and other professionals on OkCupid as did my BFF the MIT student (that site is REALLY good for young intellectuals, and it's free). I also got asked out pretty much everywhere around town–on the T, gay nights at The Roxy (straight guys have now figured out where the girls go to party and have infiltrated), Trader Joe's, etc. And I am a pretty average-looking bookwormy-type chick.
Every female friend of mine who has come to visit me has been hit on several times by pretty educated men when we've gone out. Just a few weeks ago some really funny guy who was sitting next to us at a concert at The House of Blues randomly bought us drinks–that shit NEVER happened to me in the Midwest. Our cute waiter at the Cheesecake Factory in Cambridge chatted me up for 30 minutes straight the other week–in front of my bf no less. Plus, the people being so friendly and nice here makes it super easy to flirt and approach, which is important for me because I am generally pretty shy when it comes to making the first move.
If you're into beta males (gay or straight), Boston is the place to be. All the friends I have who have visited me here fell in love with the city and all want to move here.
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by Vintage Antique: How Women Wind Up Alone With a House Full of Cats http://bte.tc/syh #RTW…
LAC, that is awesome feedback about the Boston scene, thanks! Gay nights at the Roxy – who knew? I am so glad you like Boston, and have found it a great place to meet people. I didn't grow up here, but have lived here since 1986 and love it, it's a great city. My kids are so loyal to Boston it amazes me – both of them regularly threatening to get a tattoo of the Boston skyline :-/
This is so interesting. I'm from NY and the woman I'm attracted to is also attracted to me, but is scared of something. Me being in the health care profession realized after a few months that she has some deep rooted issues. She had two cats. One died and shortly thereafter the other. She has also mentioned her father several times, but has not gone deeper into it. Well detective Vincent was on the case and after putting the puzzle together I came up with: “she had two cats and one died, the other died because it was lonely it missed its soul mate so to speak.” It told me right off the bat that she is emotionally distant and uncaring, but that she wants a relationship and that there are obstacles in her way. Now mind you as an experienced man, I let her make most of the moves and when I bit (asked her out 3 times over the course of several weeks) I was rejected. Initially I went through the rejection phase, but also realized that it has nothing to do with me. I'm mean she flirts, gets me to notice her, separates herself from her friends so that I can approach her, so when I move forward she pulls back. After 6 weeks of this nonsense, I decided to cut her off politely as in ” you know what I understand” and walked away. So a house full of cats means that woman are distant and like to get close only when the cat pulls away. GUYS ACT LIKE A CAT and if she doesn't come chasing don't take it personal its not us. Any who after two weeks of me distancing myself, she started acting weird like wanting to get me to notice her and almost literaly running away mind you she 40 years old acting like this. At some point she must have realized that I'm not about the bu%%$h!- and left her alone. In this way she is allowed to relax and explore whatever feelings, if any she has towards me. One thing is certain, the way she avoiding me at the gym is a clear indication that her emotions are engaged. Additionally, here is the clincher. I believe I have the answer but I will open it up to the community. She has never mentioned a boyfriend, a husband and guy shes dating-no men whatsoever. If she didn't want anything to do with me she could have lied about having any of the above, or something like “I'm a lesbian.” I would never know the truth and would move on to someone else. What would be the rational behind her not saying anything?
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ok after going on a date this weekend, I have to say, that these women are probably not giving us the brutal truth about these men. By holding back on all the weird things these guys did, they are trying to spare their feelings, but it comes off sounding vey fuzzy wuzzy and unclear.
It's hard to explain. My date would probably giver our date a 10. But then he talked about himself all the time, wasn't particularly gentlemanly and came off as being super judgemental. Plus he had this offputting facial expression, and i didn't like his hair or his clothes.
His body was great, really fit, but his face…no…
So what's a girl to do?
I'm all for having my bed to myself until I find someone who I'm compatible with. Even if it's my cat.
Hi Kate, thanks for returning with an update. You may a good point here. It's certainly possible that some of these guys were worse than they seem. As it happens, I just read this week's Dinner with Cupid, and it was just like your date. The guy was all about it, and the woman felt no spark. But they did print a couple of things she thought were odd, like how he grilled her with many questions about how she could possibly not like strawberries. Not exactly scintillating dinner conversation!
I totally admire and respect you for not settling. Cats and dogs make quite reasonable stand-ins.
[...] I would argue that it’s the beta male, open to egalitarian partnership, who is most open to mating with a strong “alpha” female in modern society. (Some think Barack Obama fits this profile .) It’s a cliche that the most dominant Alpha …… Plus he had this offputting facial expression, and i didn’t like his hair or his clothes. His body was great, really fit, but his face…no… So what’s a girl to do? I’m all for having my bed to myself until I find someone who I’m …Continue Reading [...]
My question is – why does Michael want to see Janine again when she was so clearly rude (texting someone else while on a date is rude) and is reading books written for teenagers?
I would adore this guy but he wouldn't give me a second glance because I don't look like Janine.
Nat, thanks so much for commenting. I agree 100%. Janine was incredibly rude, and Michael needs to stop thinking about how hot she is and start thinking about what will bring him happiness. Janine isn't it. She's awful in this story, but he's shallow. He needs to have some self-respect and acknowledge that she is not a potential mate.
Nat, thanks so much for commenting. I agree 100%. Janine was incredibly rude, and Michael needs to stop thinking about how hot she is and start thinking about what will bring him happiness. Janine isn't it. She's awful in this story, but he's shallow. He needs to have some self-respect and acknowledge that she is not a potential mate.
hiii