Learning to Speak Hookup: A Pocket Phrasebook
Because physical intimacy comes before emotional intimacy when hooking up, it can be difficult to interpret communication. You may be discussing something personal with someone you don’t really know very well. Here are 30 common phrases to help you navigate these murky waters. If this reminds you of the guy you’re interested in, it’s time to jump ship.
1. I would be a terrible boyfriend.
I have no interest in making plans, being reliable or meeting your family.
2. I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Sex, sex, sex.
3. I don’t waste my time going after the girls that everybody else wants.
I consider you a 5 out of 10, but it won’t matter with the lights off.
4. I don’t care what the f**k you do!
You’re really upsetting me right now.
5. Sex doesn’t have to be that big a deal.
I don’t understand why girls can’t enjoy no-strings sex. It’s awesome!
6. I hate drama.
I don’t want to have any long talks at any time about any subject.
7. Maybe I’ll give you a call later.
After I have fun on my own, I may swing by to hook up.
8. Are you sure you want to wear that?
Guys are going to be staring at you all night. I don’t want to deal with it.
9. Lots of people just don’t get me, and I’m fine with that.
I’m telling you this now, so that when you hear I’m an asshole, you’ll give me the benefit of the doubt.
10. My ex is a total psycho/bitch.
She was always complaining that I treated her badly, and then she dumped me.
11. I just want to have fun with my friends.
Relationships are work, and I’m all about play.
12. Your friend ___________ is really hot.
I am so not into you that I’m tempted to ask you to be my wingman.
13. Why are you being such a bitch?
What? What did I do? You’re completely overreacting!
14. Are you about to get your period? You look a little puffy.
I am all about the way you look. If that slides, I’m outta here.
15. Hey, did you come?
I don’t really care whether you got off or not, but I wanna be able to say you did.
16. I’m just really busy right now. OR I have a lot to deal with right now.
We’re done.
17. Actually, I’m kind of tired tonight.
We’re so done that I don’t even want you for sex anymore.
18. My ex and I still talk a lot, but only as friends.
I am so not done with my ex.
19. I can’t even make myself happy, how could I make you happy?
I’m a totally selfish bastard, and I’m never satisfied. I’m certainly not going to spend time figuring out what you want.
20. I forgot.
I don’t give a shit.
21. Your friends hate me.
Your friends are on to me, so I need to cultivate a little loyalty.
22. I’m sorry you got mad.
You’re ridiculous, I didn’t do anything wrong. I’ll say this so you stop harassing me.
23. I really don’t want to get into it with you right now.
There is no reason for me to explain what I’m thinking or how I feel. I’d rather go to sleep.
24. Who was that texting you just now?
Who’s trying to pee in my territory?
25. Why are you asking me if I just want to be friends?
We are friends, that’s all we are!
26. You’re a fun girl.
Because you have sex, sex, sex.
27. My friends think you’re cool.
You’ve cleared the first hurdle. 99 to go.
28. I don’t really do long-distance relationships.
Unless they’re open.
29. I thought we might do something different tonight.
Like in that Jenna Jameson flick I’ve been watching. Are you down for anal?
30. Are we cool?
Do you agree not to make a scene and talk shit about me even though I’m totally screwing you over?
If you’re already fluent at Hookup, you know that uncomfortable feeling you get that something just isn’t right when a guy says these things to you. That’s your brain kicking in as your own relationship coach. Listen to her!
What did I leave out?
P.S. Next time I’ll give the guys some linguistic help.
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you forgot “I can't promise anything now, but I'll keep it in mind”
I don't know what that means though.
Marie, that means “When hell freezes over.”
I am laughing my ass off, but a little bitter about how true some of these are. It really sucks when things are so done that one person isn't even interested in using the other for sex anymore.
“I'm sorry you got mad” also means “I know I did something wrong, but damned if I'm going to admit it.”
Your timing has been remarkable lately, Susana! I was getting ready to go out with a new guy (a Beta, by the way) tonight when I decided to stop by and check out today's post. Maybe I could turn this list into a tiny cheat sheet to keep it at hand during my date, haha
Oh, I hate the whole “let's play it by ear” bit! I can't promise anything now, ugh. It's what you expect your boss to say when your promotion is cancelled due to budget cutbacks. NOT what you expect to hear from a guy you're seeing.
Oh, I hate the false apology! I'm sorry you got mad = it's your problem, your emo reaction is overblown. It's hostile! And yes, there's nothing worse than when you and a guy are going at it, and you know he's just in it for the sex, and then all of a sudden he's not tempted by the sex. Ugh! It's like, that's all I got! Bummer!
Hey morning glory, I hope your date goes well. If you're going out with a beta, you may not need this cheat sheet at all. I think you would do well to focus on all those smart medical types, most of whom are bound to be betas!
Yup. “I was already selling myself short and sacrificing my dignity and self-respect, and now even THAT'S not good enough?!” That's what happens when you make decisions 7 months too late, as I was saying yesterday…
Yeah I dunno. It's like I've grown up back in the Pleistocene here.
Imagine a time before…
Cell phones. No really. Not even regular 'brick' car phones! No texts either.
Ummm No Email. (Well no civilian email anyway).
So if you were trying to reach someone to 'confirm' a date, it was by phone. Landline. Yours or Ma Bells on the corner, (phone booths, 'member them).
So that's the scenario here. The set up for a date in Boston ca. well hell let's just call it 3600BC OK? (I know, Holocene, right? Geesh!) Indians knapping flint on the shores, casting small nets into the fruitful bays, digging for clams etc. You get the picture.
There I am at the agreed upon rendezvous and my erstwhile GF at the time is a no show. What to do? Well way back when we has a SOP for this scenario. The dickhead response? Would have been to go home and watch the TV and forget about it. Me? If I care about you, let alone love you and/or you're otherwise known as a reliable, Non flaky friend/family member? To this day? You've got a 'golden hour' to either show up, or call in and/or make your presence known. Then strangely enough, yes, I'll call the cops.
I do not wait 2-3 days for the 'Yeah granny took off with this hippy named Feldspar in hopes of scoring some decent weed, but she's not been seen since… and we're getting worried.' Or the inevitable 'Jamie went with her bf/gf to the store for some smokes, but that was a week back, and she was due back that night. I tried calling her but it was always busy or not answering…' Or the ever popular 'No, we've not seen Jay for days, we thought he/she was with one of their little friends…Why do you ask?'
No not for me. Never. Don't work that way. So back to the story here. After calling around to the local precincts to discern if there were any unknown bodies laying about, (strangely it was a quiet night way back when), they helpfully told me to call around to the local hospitals to see if they had anyone who matched the description. I was doing that, on an very ancient Outside phone (dial?) in winter, when said GF finally strolled up and breathlessly informed me that yes, she was alive. And that her mom had just called from RI wondering where she was and who this strange man was frantically searching for her from a phone booth in the Backbay of Boston. We had a good laugh over that, and realized pretty quickly that it was a common case of miscommunication (she or I had mistaken the rendezvous place). Still she remained deeply touched that I cared enough to go looking for her, when mistakenly thinking that she could have been lost or possibly injured someplace. (Not too touched to recall much after the passage of so many eons later, but that's another story).
Now today, that would be utterly foolish, right? No, not quite. Now if the wife (different gal BTW) is MIA for longer than an hour or so, especially when in transit? She still gets a call. And she knows, that if she does not eventually pick up the phone to call or text back? Well she'll likely see the RCMP at her door after awhile. If that's what it takes. That's what caring is. This is what love does. It's what was required once. But what do I know? I'm just a caveman…
This hopefully touching but utterly besides the point & off topic post brought to you by the Electromagnetic Spectrum. Serving your communication needs since at least 1830's if not sooner (think Semaphore!). No carrier pigeons were harmed in this process. Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'
This is touching!
“That's what caring is, this is what love does.”
That's lovely.
Haha, that's the trouble with my fellow medical types, sometimes they're too smart. This one maybe was a little too charming and confident to be a beta. Anyway, we had a great time, and I'm really looking forward to put into practice everything I've learned from HUS. (Hey, smart medical types, I'm prepared for everything, so bring it on! haha)
Haha, so glad to hear you are up to the challenge! Charming, confident and smart. Sounds like a triple threat.
I refuse to speak hook up – I only speak relationship. I've never been good languages, I am barely fluent in relationship and I refuse to pick up hook up.
And for that you have my undying respect! Speaking relationship and turning a deaf ear to hookup is an excellent strategy.
AMEN.
yes, but it's good to know when a guy is speaking hook up so you can get the hell out of there and kick that loser to the side
Exactly! That's what I was thinking when I wrote this “cheat sheet.” Basically, no woman wants to hear these things. If this is what a man is saying, he's reluctant and best, indifferent or even hostile at worst.
AMEN.
yes, but it's good to know when a guy is speaking hook up so you can get the hell out of there and kick that loser to the side
Exactly! That's what I was thinking when I wrote this “cheat sheet.” Basically, no woman wants to hear these things. If this is what a man is saying, he's reluctant and best, indifferent or even hostile at worst.
I don't know if its just me but some of these interpretations seem bitter, jaded and vindictive/blame the male type.
Well, here's the guy's version:
http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2009/11/04/hookin...
Overall, I believe that in hookup culture, men get more of what they want than women do. At least the men having regular sex do. A lot of these phrases come from a place of men wanting to keep the sex going without making a commitment. And that sucks for women.